Most of my blogs over the years have been written for people who are already sexually active and have experience with pivi (penis-in-vagina intercourse). Today I’m going to address young (and perhaps not-so-young) women who are interested in losing their virginity. (I hope guys will read this as well—virgins or not.)
Losing your virginity is not a topic that most of us bandy around in casual conversation. But I’ve been privileged over the years to hear thousands of descriptions, most of them about experiences that were awkward, clumsy, and sometimes painful. It doesn’t need to be that way.
I heartily recommend that your first sexual partner be someone who is gentle and kind, with a good sense of humor. And please, please, please don’t be drunk or high your first time. Take it from me: Couples who do it sober have a happier and safer experience!
Losing your virginity with your sweetheart and soulmate would be a lovely option, but most of us no-longer-virgins are not even in touch with the person we did it with for the first time. One of the keys to having wonderful sex is knowing your own body.
Regular readers may have read comments recently from older women who are enjoying sex more and more the older they become. One reader celebrates post-menopause as a time when she knows her body well enough to say yea or nay in ways that her lover can truly understand. Another writes about discovering new delights about her body as she ages. Whatever your age, consider yourself at the start of a fascinating journey!
If you masturbate, you have an advantage in this department. If you haven’t explored your body this way yet, not to worry. I suggest you try for a time when you have 30 minutes to yourself or when you’re tucked under the covers for bed. First, wash your hands, then moisten your fingers. (I mistyped “finders” here—how perfect!) Let your fingers “find” pleasing places on your body—everywhere except your genitals.
Relax, breathe, and allow yourself to spend at least 10 minutes exploring up and down your body. You might want to imagine that your lover’s fingers/finders are discovering erogenous zones that you weren’t aware of before. Then, let your focus shift to the area between your legs, with your fingers gliding up and down and around your vulva, the outside part of what’s between your legs, as opposed to the vagina, where tampons and penises (sometimes) go.
Next, get your finger extremely wet (saliva works fine) so you can venture inside. Slowly inch your finger inside, allowing yourself to feel what your finger is “finding” inside as well as what your vagina might be feeling. Some women may want to explore more deeply, while others might feel quite nervous and hesitant. If you’re in this camp, this might be a good place to stop for now. Congratulate yourself for taking this important step and consider venturing a bit farther the next time.
If you’re eager to press on, let your finger keep going. Remember to breathe, and continue to ask yourself what your vagina is feeling and experiencing. You might want to consider adding a second finger, especially if you anticipate pivi.
I highly recommend a wonderful book by my colleague Lonnie Barbach, called For Yourself, about masturbation. Female virgins and nonvirgins alike may benefit from carving out pleasurable time “for themselves.”
If all of this seems too overwhelming, maybe it’s not the right time in your life to be losing your virginity. Millions of lesbians will attest that there are numerous ways that you and a partner can enjoy one another sexually without a penis going into your vagina!
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