Nicole and Bob sought sex therapy to resolve their lack of sex. Among the various stressors that contributed to this void, a notable one included a lack of appreciation for each other.
In session, Nicole said, “Why should I thank him for taking out the trash? He’s supposed to do that!” Her words were familiar to me. Many partners do not want to express gratitude to a significant other for the completion of ordinary daily chores.
Like them and maybe even you, my spouse and I perform various duties to help our family run smoothly. After 21 years together, we have pretty much established who does what. Our consistent expressions of gratitude serve as a marker of connection between us.
As parents, my spouse and I can feel overwhelmed, distracted, and stressed. Sometimes, a simple “Hey, hon, thanks for doing that” maintains our connection to each other amid the chaos. When we explicitly demonstrate appreciation, gratitude occupies the space where resentment could easily grow.
Nicole and Bob both felt taken for granted. Their resentments and anger consumed much of the space between them. It left no room for expressions of gratitude, let alone a vibrant sex life.
The reality of a shared life together is that either partner can choose “to do” or “to not do.” I often remind couples that any contribution a partner makes involves the choice to make it. Partners can easily choose “to not do”—to leave the dishes dirty, to neglect the yard work, to avoid the unmade bed. Partners exercise choice every day.
Knowing this, any time my partner or I choose to contribute, we are genuinely, wholeheartedly grateful. By saying thanks, we acknowledge our individual choice “to do” for us.
The reality of a shared life together is that either partner can choose “to do” or “to not do.” I often remind couples that any contribution a partner makes involves the choice to make it. Partners can easily choose “to not do”—to leave the dishes dirty, to neglect the yard work, to avoid the unmade bed. Partners exercise choice every day.
So when your partner chooses to contribute, your expression of “thanks” demonstrates gratitude. It also reinforces the behaviors you appreciate. It shows you do not take any behaviors or contributions for granted.
As part of their homework assignment, Nicole and Bob had to express gratitude to each other three times a day, every day. They were initially reluctant, but I encouraged them to treat it like an experiment without any specific expectations. After three to four weeks of this consistent practice, their anger softened and resentments began to fade into the background.
Nicole said, “Bob thanked me for things I honestly thought he never noticed,” and Bob said, “It actually felt good to hear Nicole say thanks. I felt like I wanted to do more.”
Their shared expressions of gratitude cultivated positive regard for each other. Minor disagreements no longer turned into massive feuds. Their renewed connection began to feed their libidos and spark their sex life.
If the distribution of responsibilities feels lopsided, talk with your partner about how to create balance together. Remind each other that you are on the same team. Then do the following:
- Discuss the role of gratitude in your relationship.
- Set intentions to honor your contributions by thanking each other one to three times daily.
- Express your gratitude with a daily, mindful hug.
- At the end of each day, mentally pause and note what you feel grateful for beyond your spouse’s contributions.
- Check back in with each other periodically and ask, “Do you feel appreciated?”
- Practice this for one month.
Conscious mental acknowledgement and expressions of gratitude can provide significant shifts to your daily lifestyle. Not only will it benefit your relationship, but it may renew your spirit. When you develop the habit of grateful thinking, it may become your light during life’s darkest moments.
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