Victimology: How We Justify Unhealthy Choices

Teen on phone laying on couchThis article is not about being a victim of crime, hatred, or other injustices, but rather a perceived victimology that ensnares all of us from time to time. It can happen as a result of old wounds surfacing in the present. Being a victim means you don’t take accountability or responsibility for the results of your actions and behaviors. And if you’re not responsible, why change anything? After all, wouldn’t it be someone else’s fault? Being a victim assumes entitlement—I’m blaming you; therefore I’m entitled to feel this way.

If you have taken a victim stance, there may be a lack of hope and feelings of helplessness that you can’t do anything about the situation. What can happen as a result? You attract caretakers to rescue you, thereby validating your victimology. The worst part of it all? You become a victim of your own doing, thereby enhancing its effect.

There are some benefits to being a victim. One, you get to feel righteous! Another is that you gain attention from others. Feeling safe and not taking risks is yet another. These benefits, as they may be perceived, are justifications to keep us small, unaccountable, and, frankly, unhappy. If I can justify my stance as a victim, then I take on the role of martyr—suffering for the right to be a victim.

Justifications about being a victim begin with statements such as, “If I had better parents,” or, “If I had a better childhood,” or, “If I weren’t such a loser,” or, “If my boss weren’t such a jerk,” etc. And you might be saying, “But this is true!” These truths can be real, yet my point is to clarify how these statements stop you from living, moving forward, and taking accountability for your present and future life.

Victimhood can show up in our day-to-day activities and go unnoticed as rewards. I’m sure at some point you have taken an extra cookie, eaten a tub of ice cream, and claimed, “I deserve it!” I won’t deny you such gratifying substitutes, but you have to think—what am I justifying here? Maybe you had a bad day, then dipped into the liquor cabinet, skipped a workout, or lit up a cigarette. Victimology can conjure images of justifications, make us lazy to act, and move us to take unhealthy actions for ourselves.

There are several ways in which being a victim can damage you:

  • It robs you of good life energy.
  • You give up control.
  • Others lose respect for you.
  • It ruins your self-esteem.
  • It weakens your hopes and dreams.

So, how do we get off this cycle?

“As long as you think that the cause of your problem is ‘out there’—as long as you think that anyone or anything is responsible for your suffering—the situation is hopeless. It means that you are forever in the role of victim, that you’re suffering in paradise.”

—Byron Katie in Loving What Is: Four Questions That Can Change Your Life

Lynne Forrest gives us some answers. She explains that we are all caught up at times in the “victim triangle” of persecutor-victim-rescuer, and as a result we need to develop an observer consciousness to support getting out of the cycle. In essence, we need to be able to get acquainted with these three roles, see how we trap ourselves in them, and find a way to be more accountable to ourselves. There is much too much to write about here, so I’ve included a reference to the article on her site below. I encourage you to check it out.


  1. Forrest, L. (2008, June 26). An overview of the drama triangle. Retrieved November 5, 2012 from Lynne Forrest:
  2. Phaup, T. (2009). Top 10 ways that playing the victim robs you of your life. Retrieved November 5, 2012 from The Free Library:
  3. Zur, O. (n.d.). Rethinking “don’t blame the victim”: The psychology of victimhood. Retrieved November 5, 2012 from Zur Institute:


© Copyright 2012 All rights reserved. Permission to publish granted by Douglas Mitchell, LMFT

The preceding article was solely written by the author named above. Any views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by Questions or concerns about the preceding article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment below.

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  • Melanie

    November 7th, 2012 at 11:31 AM

    I really do hate it when I get caught up in this kind of cycle because it makes me feel so weak but sometimes the only way that I know how to deal is to put on my martyr suit. You would think that since IU am pretty aware that I am doing this that I could stop it, but I can’t. I want someone to feel sorry for me because I then think that this makes them think of how strong I really am to be enduring it. Kind of sick I know but that'[s how I see myself behaving sometimes and even though I see it and realize it, I can’t stop it.

  • Kelly

    November 7th, 2012 at 1:30 PM

    It surprises me to see just so many people who do this on a regular basis.They want to portray themselves as a victim and spare themselves of mental baggage or of a responsibility,most often their own.

    Hate to come across such people but it seems like there are too many.Any particular reasons for such things to develop in one’s mind?Because personally I can never imagine myself saying others are responsible for what’s happening in my life!

  • RON

    November 7th, 2012 at 11:27 PM

    The best way to get around not doing things is to say you cannot or to push the blame into someone else.This is a sign of cowardice and those indulging in it are not going to get anywhere.It is self destruction an nothing else.

  • Gavin Bevan

    November 8th, 2012 at 4:17 AM

    I procrastinate on a regular basis.And when I was thinking about it while reading the article,I have to admit that I do the same too-try to shift the blame.Its always somebody’s else’s mistake that I haven’t completed this task or that.Maybe it is a natural thing but I realize that all it does for me is only superficial, it does not address the issue.

    I hope I am able to overcome this habit of shifting the blame and my procrastination altogether.At least I shall try to be a truthful procrastinator ;)

  • henry

    November 9th, 2012 at 12:05 AM

    I have observed fiends and family do this at different times.But I don’t think it is a planned operation that they undertake but rather a fairly spontaneous excuse they come up with. If im not responsible for it then I will not be questioned or blamed for it. They are ony trying to hide the fact that they have been lazy and procrastinated on the work.

    They know the consequences but do not want to face them. Hence come up with an excuse saying they suffered something due to which they could not complete the job. It’s more of a psychological and metal thing than something to do with being cruel or wicked.

  • Lewis sutton

    November 9th, 2012 at 4:30 AM

    I get so tired of this I’m a victim crap.
    You know what?
    I was a victim once too, we all have beem, but that doesn’t give you a free pass to stop taking ownership of the decisions that you make.
    Grow up and get on with it.

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