For those who celebrate Christmas, lying to children about the existence of Santa could harm parents’ relationships with their children, according to an essay published in The Lancet Psychiatry. In the piece, mental health researcher Kathy McKay and psychologist Christopher Boyle suggest parents may be motivated by a desire to return to their own childhoods. This means lying about Santa may not be a protective lie, and may instead erode children’s trust in their parents.

How Santa Affects Parent-Child Relationships

The two authors suggest parents may encourage children to believe in Santa as a way of reliving their own childhoods. Though this can be fun and nostalgic for parents, the lie may ultimately harm their relationship with their children.

Many parents teach their children lying is wrong, but children eventually find out Santa is not real. This can spur confusion and conflict. When children discover the lie, they may wonder what other lies their parents have told, the authors say.

[fat_widget_right]McKay and Boyle believe it is sometimes appropriate for parents to lie to protect their children. For example, rather than providing potentially upsetting details about the death of a pet, parents might conceal the death. In contrast, the authors say lying about Santa does not protect children. Because a child’s belief in Santa can make parents feel good, parents may be undermining their long-term credibility to feel a sense of magic for a few years.

Grace Malonai, PhD, LPCC, DCC, a psychologist who specializes in parenting, agrees that parental deception can undermine trust.

“Some children might gain cherished memories of St. Nick, while others might gain a sense of distrust in their parents and their world view,” Malonai said. “Highly sensitive, gifted, or other neuro-atypically developing children, such as those with autism, might be especially vulnerable to this type of parental deception.”

Parents’ Views on Santa

In 2011, the Associated Press and GFK Roper Public Affairs & Corporate Communications sponsored a survey of the general population that inquired about views on Santa. Eighty-four percent of parents said they had once believed in Santa. This supports the notion that parents nurture a belief in Santa partially because of fond memories from their childhoods.

Two-thirds of families called Santa an “important” part of Christmas. Conflicted feelings about Santa were also common, with nearly half of respondents arguing Santa detracts from the religious meaning of Christmas.

Expert Insight on Navigating the Myth of Santa

Malonai believes it is important for parents to consider family values in conjunction with their children’s sometimes differing personalities and traits.

“If you wish to uphold the idea of Father Christmas, choose your words wisely,” Maloani said. “Instead of outright lying, share stories of longstanding traditions and cultural heritage.”

Kathy Hardie-Williams, MEd, MS, NCC, LPC, LMFT, a therapist and former teacher who treats children and parents, endorses a similar approach.

“Children can enjoy Santa as a fictional character without being lied to by their parents,” Hardie-Williams said. “Just as children enjoy their favorite fairy-tale characters and even ‘meet them’ in Disneyland and in Disney World, children understand that their favorite fairy-tale character is not literal. I believe the same approach is effective when presenting the character of Santa Claus to children. Although not the intention, I believe the emotional impact of parents lying to children could be harmful. I believe it’s healthier to encourage children to enjoy the ‘magic’ of Santa Claus and Christmas by perceiving Santa as a fictional character within the context of telling a story.”

References:

1. Boyle, C., & McKay, K. (2016). A wonderful lie. The Lancet Psychiatry, 3(12), 1110-1111. doi:10.1016/s2215-0366(16)30363-7
2. Should parents lie to children about Santa? (2016, November 25). Retrieved from https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2016/11/161125104818.htm
3. The AP-GFK Poll [PDF]. (2011, December). Associated Press–GFK Roper Public Affairs & Corporate Communications.

Dear GoodTherapy.org,

My husband and I have been together for five years and have a great marriage that includes a very satisfying and active sex life. I’ve never cheated on him, and to my knowledge he’s always been faithful to me. But I have always been a natural flirt. It’s almost instinctive. The words come out of my mouth before I even realize what they are sometimes, and I’ll touch someone’s arm or shoulder before I even realize I’ve done it.

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Part of it is that I’m a social butterfly, and my ease in relating to others has won me a lot of friends over the years. But the flirting gets me into trouble sometimes, and I’m not sure what to do about it. Don’t get me wrong: I flirt with my husband more than anyone. But I also flirt with other men (and even women sometimes) in front of him, and while he never said much about it in our first couple of years together, he tends to point it out a lot now, and has admitted it bothers him.

I want to respect my husband’s feelings, and I really don’t mean to hurt him. At the same time, by stifling what comes naturally to me, even when the flirting is innocuous, I feel like I am stifling an essential part of my personality. What can I do to reconcile this? —Flirting with Disaster

Dear Flirting with Disaster,

So your flirtatious behavior is hurtful to your partner, you know it, and you’re doing it anyway. What is the possible “disaster” you allude to? Is it breaking up with your husband or something else?

You say the flirting is innocuous, but I’m not so sure it is if it gets you into trouble with your husband. Accurate or not, from your words it sounds a bit like you’re looking for trouble.

Flirting comes naturally for you, and you feel you would be “stifling an essential part” of your personality if you didn’t flirt. Is it possible that using the label “natural flirt” to describe yourself—which sounds like talking up an enviable talent or skill—is a way for you to downplay the behavior and its potential ramifications? Being good at something doesn’t necessarily mean it’s a good thing to do.

You say you are a social butterfly and thus have a lot of friends. That is a good thing. How would you describe the “butterfly” part of yourself? Where does it come from? Do social butterflies always flirt? What would you lose if you didn’t flirt the way you do? Would people still like you and want to be around you?

You say the words sometimes come out of your mouth before you know you’re saying them. That can certainly lead to disaster. It might be worthwhile, in social situations, to train yourself to pause and think before you speak. I’d venture to say social success goes beyond the simple measures of how effortlessly you banter or many people you attract. Considering the implications of your words and behaviors before they become actions is an essential part of effective communication.

I don’t know much about you from your letter, but I have worked with people in therapy for whom flirting was a way of feeling close, reassured, important, and loved by others. It’s possible to have many friends and be lonely in certain ways. If I were your therapist, I would explore this possibility with you to see whether there might be some loneliness—perhaps emotional or existential rather than physical in nature—under the surface of your behavior.

You write that your husband has admitted your flirting bothers him. You also write that you flirt with others in front of him, which doesn’t sound innocuous.

I’m not your therapist, of course, so I urge you to work with a therapist near you who can help you get to the root of all this. It may also be worthwhile to see a marriage counselor with your husband, as couples counseling can help you both open up safely and understand each other better. Sometimes, the most important part of communication is simply feeling heard, and therapy creates an impartial space for that to happen.

You write that your husband has admitted your flirting bothers him. You also write that you flirt with others in front of him, which doesn’t sound innocuous. He may feel belittled. Many people wouldn’t like being in that position. Perhaps your aim is to tease him? If it is, does he know that? Does it matter?

What does his anger mean to you? Does it make you mad at him? Do you resent him or feel he’s overreacting? Do you listen, acknowledge his feelings, and pledge to honor them? Where do things go off track?

I guess I’m concerned that flirting with others is already causing problems in your marriage, and those problems may grow. It’s easier to work on problems before they get too big, or entrenched, in a relationship. Relationship problems tend to worsen if they are not addressed. Where might that lead in your case?

Do I sound a little extreme? Maybe. But something in what you’re not saying makes me hear an alarm bell going off between the lines.

Thank you for writing bravely and honestly about this issue and how you’re contributing to it. I hope you find a solution, perhaps with the help of counseling, so that you and your husband can enjoy many mutually happy years together.

Sincerely,

Lynn

Dear GoodTherapy.org,

You have to help me—I feel like I’m living a terrible nightmare! I am not the type to snoop, but recently I’ve been seeing signs my husband might be gay. There’s what I think is evidence on his phone of random meetups with men, pictures … and even one lengthy text exchange with a man at his company. I didn’t read the whole conversation, but it seems to be a developing relationship. They were flirting and talking about feelings, “seeing where this goes.”

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I’m devastated and confused, and unsure where to turn. My husband and I are rarely intimate, which is an issue we were trying to work on, since we’ve talked about starting a family. I still thought we cared about each other deeply. We get along well, laugh a lot, and typically have a policy of honesty with one another. Or I thought we did. We were good friends before getting together, and we always talked and shared everything. I do remember, years ago, him saying he’d had a fantasy about being with another guy, and I believe I responded supportively and nonjudgmentally. It wasn’t like I thought he was going to actually cheat on me, let alone with a man. I just thought it was a fantasy. I have fantasies of my own that I would never act out.

He doesn’t know I saw his phone, and I don’t know how to confront him about it all. I can’t imagine living with this information and just waiting for him to bring it up himself. Can we work through this? —Dazed and Confused

Submit Your Own Question to a Therapist

Dear Dazed,

It sounds like there are a couple of issues to tackle here. I hear your concerns about your husband’s sexual orientation, and I also hear some deep pain at the prospect of his cheating or being dishonest with you. Both sound like they are causing you significant distress.

I’d like to start first with the cheating issue. The loss of trust in a relationship can be devastating and hard to come back from. No matter the circumstances, if you fear your husband has been unfaithful, or is even considering being unfaithful, that is a painful feeling to sit with. Staying silent is not likely to bring peace of mind. Waiting for him to bring it up leaves you in a holding pattern that can make you feel powerless. Confronting him, however, brings its own set of fears. I strongly encourage you to find a therapist who can help you navigate through all of this with you as you decide what path to follow.

If you suspected your husband was having an affair with a woman, would your response be clearer? What if your husband is bisexual? How might that impact your view of your relationship with him and your future?

As to your original concern, wondering if your husband is gay, that lends an additional layer of complexity to your situation. If you suspected your husband was having an affair with a woman, would your response be clearer? What if your husband is bisexual? How might that impact your view of your relationship with him and your future?

Regardless, right now you are operating on suspicions, but without bringing your husband into the conversation there’s a huge missing piece. Perhaps he is, in fact, gay. Perhaps he wants to stay married and start a family, and also explore relationships with men. Without talking with him, you won’t know what he is thinking, which leaves you trying to respond to a situation with incomplete information.

You do have an opportunity to decide for yourself what your limits are and what you need in order to feel able to stay in a relationship with your husband. Talking with a therapist can help you gain clarity about what your needs and boundaries are. As for your final question—can you work through it?—that depends entirely on the two of you and whether your relationship can meet both of your needs. Figuring that out will require open and honest conversations, perhaps with a counselor who has worked with couples facing similar issues.

Best of luck,

Erika

What’s “falling in love” anyway?

It has two components:

Part one: How the other person makes you feel about yourself.

Part two: How you feel about the other person.

These two parts are inextricably bound up together, and, as a matter of fact, part two follows from part one. Here’s why:

The “falling in love” kind of love, not the familial love that you have, say, for your parents or children, is about receiving. The other kind of love—the tender feelings for children, or the compassionate love that you have when you’ve been married 50 years—is about giving.

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So what is it you’re receiving when you fall in love?

You get a clear, bright, and shiny message of validation of yourself as a person. Many people can try to give you this message but it doesn’t work with other people. The one person with whom it works proves to you, in the course of being together, that he or she really gets who you are. Only someone who has plunged your depths and finds you amazing, special, and wonderful can offer this level of validation.

There may be people you have dated who feel as though they love you, but in your opinion, they don’t know you. Therefore, it’s impossible for them to validate you. Knowing the other person, genuinely knowing, is the cornerstone of intimacy. So you have allowed one person into your inner world, in the course of being together, and each step of the way you felt understood. This person, in return, continues to be intrigued by that process of knowing you, and wants more.

What could be a better experience than that?

That is part one (how your partner makes you feel). You feel exhilarated because after carefully letting down your guard to someone, this person has appreciated having been given the tremendous gift of you. Part two (how you feel about your partner) flows from this. As you let him or her into your private self, your partner did the same. And what did you find inside your partner’s heart and soul? A self that is very similar to yours!

Although opposites do attract, the fundamental, deep-down attraction comes from a reflection of oneself. Not only is this person validating you, but his very being (because it’s so much like yours) validates you all the more. That’s part two (how you feel about your partner).

(Incidentally, if you don’t see this, you do have to plumb the depths to find it. It is not on the surface. The surface includes a host of differences, but deep down you’ll find the sameness.)

So what’s “falling out of love”? The answer is: betrayal. You have opened up your soul; you’ve been vulnerable, and what did you get for it? You got hurt and betrayed. The betrayal doesn’t have to be as raw as cheating, although it can be that. But even ignoring a spouse when he or she is talking is betrayal. When this continues, the commonalities aren’t so apparent. Your spouse might be hurt, too.

Now, just suppose the two of you want to maintain the marriage. Maybe you’ve been married a long time. You may have had children together. How in the world can you get back to opening yourself up to someone who has hurt you? How can you possibly fall in love with such a person again? You are torn because it would be good to keep the relationship but the feelings just aren’t there. What can you do?

My answer is: Feeling can come back, but the process is backward from the way it was the first time.

The first time, you just opened yourself up and there it was. You can’t do that this time. Even if you really would like to, your survival instincts won’t let that happen, and you must honor those.

Here are some steps that you both can take:

1. Your partner must prove to you, in every conceivable way, that he or she has changed. He/she must acquire the skill of patience. That is, your partner is so anxious to wish away all the bad in the relationship—which is understandable—that he/she may make you feel like he/she is more concerned with what he/she is getting out of it than what you are being offered. If your partner has truly overcome his/her hurtful behavior, then it must go along with an attitude of patience for your healing—and giving of himself/herself. It has to be about you, not him/her, this time around.

2. You must be patient, too—with your spouse and with yourself. His/her awakening to the fact that you have been deeply wounded in the relationship, and that you need to heal, will dawn on him/her slowly. Your spouse will realize that change goes way beyond no longer being ugly with you. This may take time, and perhaps help from outside sources. And you can allow yourself time to heal from the hurts of the past, because that is a natural process that cannot be rushed.

3. This is a wonderful step. It is akin to noticing how your child is improving in math or picking up a language. There is the dawning awareness that your spouse is growing. Because your guard remains up (that was number one in this list), your powers of observation are keen, and you can see that something new is on the horizon. Expected behaviors don’t happen and new, lovely ones are in their place: consideration, gentleness, sensitivity, generosity of time and effort. From this, respect and trust begin to grow. Allow this step the time it needs to unfold. The more respectworthy observations you make, the stronger your trust will be in your spouse.

4. Respect and trust will allow you to open up, little by little. You won’t have to force it; it, too, will be a natural process. There will be new things in the “you” that has experienced all this pain: guardedness, healing, and newfound respect. These are the new things that you will be able to talk about. Your spouse opens the door to intimacy when you know that he/she has heard you. You become willing to be vulnerable and open more and more.

5. In turn, your spouse will be able to talk about his/her dawning awareness of his/her past selfishness and hurtfulness and any regrets felt over them. In these admissions, he/she too will be vulnerable, and this will open the door wider to falling in love again.

What’s the upside of this difficult process? It’s more than falling in love and even more than preserving a family. It’s something rich and mature that you can’t feel the first time around: It’s a rock-solid knowledge of who this other person really is, leading to a much deeper bond, greater respect, and stronger trust than you could ever have with a new person.

There are different kinds of lies: pathological lies, lies so you won’t get caught, lies of convenience, lies for self-protection, and social lies. They all have something in common: if someone is focused on telling you only what you want to hear, or only what they want you to hear, you’re not hearing what you might want or even need to know. You might fall for their stories, if they’re convincing enough. People who lie pathologically tend to tell VERY good stories. I’m going to tell you about one such person in particular.

Anita (not her real name) told the most wonderful and romantic stories about her life. I felt so good listening to her. Anita was a talented storyteller, and I am a sucker for stories.

When we first met, she was all smiles and seemed easy to get along with. I liked her right away. “My life would be perfect,” she told me, “if only I had a boyfriend.” She began telling me about a man who worked in her office. He had beautiful, big brown eyes and strong arms. When she looked over at him, he was almost always looking at her. It was clear they were attracted to each other. He asked her out for lunch. He asked her out to the movies. He brought her flowers and little cute presents. She made him brownies and brought them to the office.

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“Do you think he likes me?” she asked.

“I sure do!” I said.

After a few months, they started to get serious. Their romance was touching. He was older, but he was considerate and helpful. He enjoyed her youthful enthusiasm, and she enjoyed the many ways he showed he cared for her. He was courtly and charming. She felt safe with him.

Their relationship seemed fine at first, but then another woman wanted to enter the picture.

“What will I do?” Anita asked me. “What if he likes her more than he likes me? And who does she think she is, anyway?”

Anita quickly vanquished her rival, and she and her boyfriend were soon planning on moving in together. I wondered to myself if they would get married, maybe have kids. I was so happy for her. They were even starting to talk about buying a house.

Listening to Anita was like reading a really good book, one I couldn’t put down, or watching a movie I knew I would have to see again. Her story was about every dream come true. All things were possible. Life was always only good. Life was a fairy tale.

At first, I thought: Well, it’s young love. Eventually life will get back to normal. I even worried: Would Anita be able to take it if they actually had a disagreement, much less an argument? Everything can’t be perfect ALL of the time! Usually there is a little trouble in paradise—after a while, anyway. But Anita and her boyfriend never disagreed. They always wanted to do the same things at the same time.

Gradually, I began to believe her story felt too good to be true. Then I realized that, in fact, it wasn’t true at all. I had, in fact, been listening to a fairy tale. It felt like a switch in my brain clicked on when I realized Anita had the hallmarks of a person who pathologically lies. She made the whole thing up!

Gradually, I began to believe her story felt too good to be true. Then I realized that, in fact, it wasn’t true at all. I had, in fact, been listening to a fairy tale. It felt like a switch in my brain clicked on when I realized Anita had the hallmarks of a person who pathologically lies. She made the whole thing up! Anita needed to keep me fascinated; she had a real desire to control and manipulate how I thought about her.

I was shocked. My thoughts must have shown on my face. Once I figured out she was lying, she didn’t want to talk to me anymore. The thing is, I liked Anita, but she couldn’t believe that anyone could like her if they knew her as she really was. Her lies, I believe, stemmed from serious dissatisfaction with herself, a need to be loved, and a need to mess around with other people’s minds. She always had to be the best, the winner, HUGE!

I felt pretty stupid.

Even though I had been bamboozled, I still wanted to be friends with Anita. I suppose many people would have simply dropped her, but not me. We continued to meet for a time, and Anita tried out different story lines with interesting beginnings, but I wasn’t buying. I wanted to have a real conversation, but it wasn’t happening. Anita felt her real life was boring, and she was ashamed of herself. She thought she was too ordinary. She couldn’t see the beauty of the everyday. I think, at some moments, she believed her own lies. She was inventing her life as she thought it should be, and it had to be exceptional.

Storytellers need listeners, and I’m a good one—but eventually even I can identify a lie when I hear one.

I’ll bet you can, too.

All close relationships have difficult moments, times when partners feel hurt, disappointed, or frustrated with one another. But some wounds are so deep they threaten the fabric of the relationship. At these times, the wounded partner’s experience can typically be summarized as either: “When I needed you most, you weren’t there for me,” or, “I trusted you and you betrayed me.” Either way, the spoken or implied reaction is, “I will never trust you and risk being so hurt and disappointed again.”

Practitioners of emotionally focused therapy (EFT), a well-researched, effective model of couples therapy, call these destructive experiences attachment injuries. EFT encourages hurt partners to share not just the facts about their injury, but the deep pain and sadness they experienced. Offending partners are helped to listen non-defensively, fully understand the emotional impact of their behavior on the injured partner, and express sincere remorse and regret. Couples are then guided through the process of asking for and receiving the comfort and support that was missing at the time of the injury.

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When partners complete this process, many find their bond is not just repaired but strengthened. They understand each other’s needs and experiences in new ways that allow them to be more responsive to each other in the future.

But for a number of couples, understanding their partner’s experience and offering heartfelt apologies is not enough. The wounded partner still has trouble moving on, and the remorseful partner feels stuck in purgatory, not knowing what more to do.

If you have ever been that remorseful partner, unable to regain your partner’s trust, chances are you have experienced your own emotional pain. You may have felt hurt your partner wouldn’t give you another chance, sad your thoughtless behavior had such monumental consequences, ashamed of what you did, scared you would never repair your relationship, or angry your partner was unwilling to move on.

Chances are, you felt confused and stuck. What more did your partner want from you? What more could you do?

At that moment, your confusion, fear, anger, hurt, or despair placed you at high risk of doing something to make things worse. Or, afraid to say or do the wrong thing, you might have done nothing at all. Either way, your good work in understanding and acknowledging past mistakes could easily be undone.

But for a number of couples, understanding their partner’s experience and offering heartfelt apologies is not enough. The wounded partner still has trouble moving on, and the remorseful partner feels stuck in purgatory, not knowing what more to do.

What you may not have understood is that you—your presence, comfort, and understanding—were the key to your partner’s recovery. Your partner felt alone and abandoned at a vulnerable time. The antidote to this painful memory is to experience your presence whenever they share their pain, for as long as it takes to believe they can count on you again.

Whether partners share pain for the first time or for the hundredth, they are asking, “Do you really care how I feel? Are you really there for me now?” If the answer is, “Yes, I’m here and I care, and I’ll be here for as long as it takes,” your relationship has taken at least a small step forward. If you grow impatient, if you get angry or defensive or hopeless, your partner may again feel dismissed or alone at a time of need. In other words, you will have replayed and reinforced the original hurt.

A couple I recently saw—I’ll call them Allison and Mark—exemplify how couples can continue to struggle after a heartfelt apology. After months of working on their relationship in therapy, Allison summoned the courage to tell Mark how deeply wounded she had been since a dismissive remark he made to her several years earlier, at a time she was depressed and overwhelmed.

Because of the good work they had already done on their relationship, Mark was able to take in Allison’s experience without defending himself or minimizing her pain. Understanding the magnitude of her wound, he was stricken. He expressed his heartfelt apology and sat with her in a moment of shared sorrow.

But the wall Allison had put up to protect her from ever feeling that vulnerable and hurt again did not immediately come down. “I wish I could just take the wall down and move on,” she told him sadly, “but I can’t yet. I don’t know why.”

And then he panicked. What if Allison never recovered from this injury? What if there was no way to undo or repair the damage? What if she decided he couldn’t be the man she needs?

In his panic, Mark tried to convince her they couldn’t change the past and she needed to begin trusting him again. He understood what he did wrong, and he would try to be a better partner. But instead of feeling reassured, Allison felt he was telling her, “You shouldn’t be feeling hurt and alone anymore. You should be able to move on.”

If the conversation stopped here, as it often did at home, Allison would have felt Mark was once again dismissing her feelings, leaving her to struggle alone. She would have felt less trust in him than before the apology and added a few more bricks to her self-protective wall.

But this time, I was able to explain that Allison needed a different kind of reassurance. Mark then turned to her and said, “I’ll wait as long as you need me to. I don’t care how long it takes for you to take the wall down. I’m here and I love you.”

And with that, their relationship took a small but important step forward.

Thank you very much for writing to me specifically, even though you don’t trust me. I think it takes great courage to reach out and describe one’s uncomfortable life situation to someone who is a stranger. You may be skeptical, but you have come forward and made contact. That means something. I hope you go one step further.

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Given that I did respond, you seem to conclude I just want you to come see me and pay me—that I’m in it for the money. It’s true I need to make money and pay the bills, just as everyone does, but the unvarnished truth is I’m answering your letter because it’s my job. What you do next is entirely up to you.

Without spending time with you and getting to the root of your feelings, I can’t offer a guess as to why you think the way you do, but I can readily see you’re unhappy with your life and worried that just about everyone you know is out to get you, in one way or another. You say the only people you can trust are your parents, and that you have no friends. You have a girlfriend, but you’re afraid she will leave you for someone else. It makes sense that you’d be unhappy.

You don’t have to live this way. These thoughts, accurate or not, are harmful in and of themselves because the stresses and discomfort they cause affect you both physically and emotionally.

You describe that you are living in constant fear that someone will take advantage of you and cause you harm. You don’t have to live this way. These thoughts, accurate or not, are harmful in and of themselves because the stresses and discomfort they cause affect you both physically and emotionally. You may know that stress can cause a multitude of physical and emotional reactions that may be detrimental to your health.

It always helps to discuss and bounce around your ideas with another person. Psychotherapy might be very useful to you. You’ve written a clear account of an aching life ruled by skepticism, mistrust, and suspicion. You name your feelings and define your life situation with great clarity. Clear self-expression goes with clear thinking. You might find a therapist who includes journal work as part of a treatment plan. Or you might prefer talk therapy. Sometimes you have to try a few different things, or even therapists, to find the right fit. But if you believe nothing else, please believe help is out there. Perhaps the hardest part for you will be trusting in that, and making the initial call.

While you and a therapist identify ways to alleviate your painful feelings, the therapist can help evaluate their accuracy. Especially if you don’t have many people you’re close to, or that you trust, a fresh and objective perspective from someone who knows what to look for can be useful. Fear responses and trust issues are often based on things that happened in the past, and uncovering what those things might be is an important part of finding healing solutions in the present.

The kind of therapy or treatment you seek and find helpful may depend to some extent on your tastes, but I strongly advise you to make the effort. With some work, guidance, and reflection, you may find that your life (and perhaps your blood pressure) is better for it.

Take care,
Lynn

I define an emotional affair as a relationship in which one or both parties are involved in another significant relationship where there is emotional intimacy, sexual chemistry, and romantic feelings, without the relationship having been consummated.

Recent research indicates that 76% of Americans consider a secret emotional relationship to constitute a form of infidelity, highlighting just how seriously these connections are viewed. Frequently in emotional affairs, the partner who didn’t have the affair experiences the same degree of betrayal and breach of trust as he or she would if a spouse had a physical affair. Research shows that individuals often view emotional infidelities as more hurtful than sexual infidelities. At times, an emotional affair can feel even more damaging because someone else has met the partner’s emotional needs.

It can also be helpful to understand that an affair is often not only a discrete event, but a signal that something in the relationship system has broken down. While this does not excuse the betrayal or the pain it causes, emotional and physical affairs alike frequently emerge in relationships where partners feel unable, unsafe, or unequipped to address growing disconnection, unmet needs, or conflict directly.

Current studies show that roughly 60% to 75% of couples stay together after discovering an affair, and your relationship can most certainly survive and perhaps even become even closer than it was before the affair.

At the same time, recovery is not only about repairing the rupture caused by the affair itself. It also involves examining the underlying emotional, structural, and communication patterns that may have created the conditions in which the affair developed. In fact, recent research from 2023 found that nearly 46% of unfaithful partners and 36% of betrayed partners believed their relationship ultimately improved after working through the affair.

Here are some tips to get you back on track:

Tip 1: Be willing to look at the affair in the context of your relationship.

Emotional affairs often start because emotional needs are unmet, the person has low self-esteem, and connecting with others online is a very easy process. Many people in unhappy relationships feel unheard, disconnected and unwanted. If one person is looking outside the relationship to get emotional needs met, it may be likely that person’s needs aren’t being met within the primary relationship. Be willing to honestly consider what had been going on in your significant relationship prior to the beginning of the affair.

Find a Therapist for Relationships

“Joanne” and “Jeff,” both teachers at an international school, recently came to see me for therapy because Jeff had an emotional affair with Eileen, another teacher at the school. When Eileen was in the process of separating from her husband, Jeff had become her confidant, and the relationship deepened from there.

When Joanne found out about the affair, she was furious, hurt, and felt out of control. She made going to therapy a condition of continuing the relationship. As we began to work together, it was revealed that Joanne had given birth to the couple’s first child a year ago. Since that time, Jeff reported feeling left out and uncared for as Joanne had been preoccupied with the baby’s needs. He was missing the easy companionship and enjoyable sex they had before. However, he never told this to Joanne, and she had no way of knowing how Jeff was feeling.

Here, the context of the relationship was the birth of the couple’s first child and Jeff’s feelings of isolation and exclusion when Joanne’s attention was diverted to their baby. Because he didn’t share this with Joanne, his emotional needs went unmet within their relationship. Once this came out in therapy, Joanne was able to acknowledge Jeff’s feelings, and together they came up with strategies for Joanne to meet Jeff’s emotional needs and vice versa.

In this way, the affair can be understood as disrupting an existing pattern that had already been fostering disconnection. While the behavior itself is harmful and must be addressed, it can also bring into focus the relationship habits, avoided conversations, and unmet needs that were present beforehand. Exploring these patterns allows couples to move beyond blame and toward a more complete understanding of their shared dynamic.

Tip 2: Talk about your feelings and needs with your partner without judgment or blame.

This is often easier said than done when strong feelings are present. Accusations can be flung, which rarely help couples resolve anything.

For many couples, these moments are especially difficult because they touch on long-standing fears, including fear of conflict, fear of rejection, or fear of destabilizing the relationship. As a result, important issues may have gone unspoken even before the affair. Developing clear boundaries and building the capacity to tolerate the discomfort of honest conversations are essential steps in changing this pattern.

When I work with couples, I teach a communication model called [nonviolent communication NVC, or compassionate communication as I prefer to call it. Recent research from 2024 shows that NVC training has improved interpersonal relationships among healthcare professionals, reduced workplace conflict, and promoted a culture of empathy and cooperation in high-stress environments.

Using this model, couples learn how to identify and express their feelings and needs to each other without blame, then to make a request of their partner, which can be answered yes or no. I find when people take responsibility for their own feelings and needs and communicate them directly to their partners, they can be heard in a non-defensive way because there is no judgment involved.

It is a very simple model that looks like this:

Observation: I make an observation about what I heard or saw the other person say or do, like a video camera recording the action. A video camera has no judgment or blame; it’s simply recording. The statement starts with, “When you do or say ________ …”

Feelings: I name the feeling I experienced as a result of the observation. An example would be, “When you say I don’t care about you, I feel hurt and misunderstood.”

Needs: This refers to common human needs that we all experience. Examples are needs for acceptance, love, understanding, collaboration, harmony, happiness, peace, etc. Now the model looks like, “When you say I don’t care about you, I feel hurt because I have a need for respect and understanding.”

Request: I then make a request of the other person that can be answered yes or no, using the phrase, “Would you be willing to ________?”

In Jeff and Joanne’s case, after the sentence in the third category of the model (needs), I would ask, “Would you be willing to talk with me more about this without blaming me so I can better understand what you mean?” This puts the whole conversation in a different light and can elicit a very different response than when I’m simply told, “You don’t care about me.”

When an emotional affair has occurred in a relationship, it’s essential that both partners learn to express delicate and vulnerable feelings without judgment so they can get past the accusation phase and arrive at some solutions.

This process is most effective when couples work to move away from rigid roles of villain and victim. While accountability remains crucial, lasting repair often depends on each partner’s willingness to examine both the impact of the affair and the broader relational context in which it occurred.

Tip 3: Be open to coming up with new strategies to solve the underlying problem.

In Joanne and Jeff’s case, the underlying problem was that, since the birth of their son, Jeff had felt excluded and hurt by what he perceived to be Joanne’s inattentiveness. Because Jeff didn’t want to feel more vulnerable, he didn’t express his feelings to Joanne. They first needed to identify the problem and then communicate their feelings and needs to each other.

The rupture caused by an affair, while painful, can also serve as an opportunity to intentionally rebuild the relationship with a healthier framework. This may include redefining boundaries, clarifying expectations, and asking an important question: “What kind of relationship do we each want to create moving forward?” Answering this together can help shift the focus from simply repairing damage to actively designing a more connected and resilient partnership.

Research on trust rebuilding shows that it is a gradual process requiring patience and consistent effort, with both partners needing to feel internal “pro-relationship” motivation rooted in care for their partner.

This paved the way for them to strategize about effective solutions. Jeff might have said, “When I come home from work and tell you about my day and you don’t listen, I feel hurt and dismissed because I have a need to be heard. Would you be willing to tell me when would be a good time for us to talk if you’re busy with the baby?”

Joanne, for her part, would have heard it was important to Jeff to talk about his day, and she may have been willing to make another time. When Jeff swallowed his feelings instead of expressing them, there was no way for Joanne to know there was a problem, so of course no solution could be reached.

Recent studies on relationship interventions show that most couples who receive evidence-based therapy obtain significant results in improving relationship satisfaction, with these effects often sustained at follow-up. Indeed, a relationship can survive an emotional affair if both partners are committed to finding a way past it.

Ultimately, healing from an emotional affair involves holding two truths at once: acknowledging and working through the real hurt and breach of trust, while also examining the relational patterns that made disconnection possible. When couples are able to do both, they are better positioned not only to recover, but to create a relationship that feels more secure, open, and intentional.

If you find this too difficult to do on your own, often just a few sessions of couples therapy can kick-start the process. Meta-analyses show that couples therapy is effective for improving relationship satisfaction, communication skills, and emotional intimacy.

Note: To protect privacy, names in the preceding article have been changed and the dialogues described are a composite.

• Adriani, P. A., Hino, P., Taminato, M., Okuno, M. F. P., Santos, O. V., & Fernandes, H. (2024). Non-violent communication as a technology in interpersonal relationships in health work: A scoping review. BMC Health Services Research, 24, 289. https://doi.org/10.1186/s12913-024-10753-2
• Carr, A. (2025). Couple therapy and systemic interventions for adult-focused problems: The evidence base. Journal of Family Therapy, 47(1), 6-42. https://doi.org/10.1111/1467-6427.12481
• Fincham, F. D., & May, R. W. (2017). Infidelity in romantic relationships. Current Opinion in Psychology, 13, 70-74.
• Institute for Family Studies. (2020). What counts as ‘cheating’ in marriage? Emotional infidelity in a national sample. https://ifstudies.org/blog/what-counts-as-cheating-in-marriage-emotional-infidelity-in-a-national-sample
• Kernová, L., Halamová, J., & Deriglazov, D. (2025). Effectiveness of digital interventions on relationship satisfaction among couples: A systematic review and meta-analysis. BMC Psychology, 13, 1069. https://doi.org/10.1186/s40359-025-03444-y
• Knox, C., & Rempel, J. K. (2024). Rebuilding trust in romantic relationships [Poster presentation]. Society for Personality and Social Psychology Annual Convention, San Diego, CA, USA. https://doi.org/10.17605/OSF.IO/AP26D
• Neilson, E. C., & Maitland, D. W. M. (2025). Acceptance and commitment therapy for couples: A systematic review and meta-analysis. Journal of Contextual Behavioral Science, 36, 100892.
• Rosenberg, M. (2003). Nonviolent communication: A language of life. Encinitas, CA: Puddle Dancer.
• Weiser, D. A., & Weigel, D. J. (2024). Revisiting the charmed circle: A reflexive examination of unanswered questions in the infidelity literature. Social and Personality Psychology Compass, 18(7), e12983. https://doi.org/10.1111/spc3.12983

References:

1. Adriani, P. A., Hino, P., Taminato, M., Okuno, M. F. P., Santos, O. V., & Fernandes, H. (2024). Non-violent communication as a technology in interpersonal relationships in health work: A scoping review. BMC Health Services Research, 24, 289. https://doi.org/10.1186/s12913-024-10753-2
2. Carr, A. (2025). Couple therapy and systemic interventions for adult-focused problems: The evidence base. Journal of Family Therapy, 47(1), 6-42. https://doi.org/10.1111/1467-6427.12481
3. Fincham, F. D., & May, R. W. (2017). Infidelity in romantic relationships. Current Opinion in Psychology, 13, 70-74.
4. Institute for Family Studies. (2020). What counts as ‘cheating’ in marriage? Emotional infidelity in a national sample. https://ifstudies.org/blog/what-counts-as-cheating-in-marriage-emotional-infidelity-in-a-national-sample
5. Kernová, L., Halamová, J., & Deriglazov, D. (2025). Effectiveness of digital interventions on relationship satisfaction among couples: A systematic review and meta-analysis. BMC Psychology, 13, 1069. https://doi.org/10.1186/s40359-025-03444-y
6. Knox, C., & Rempel, J. K. (2024). Rebuilding trust in romantic relationships [Poster presentation]. Society for Personality and Social Psychology Annual Convention, San Diego, CA, USA. https://doi.org/10.17605/OSF.IO/AP26D
7. Neilson, E. C., & Maitland, D. W. M. (2025). Acceptance and commitment therapy for couples: A systematic review and meta-analysis. Journal of Contextual Behavioral Science, 36, 100892.
8. Rosenberg, M. (2003). Nonviolent communication: A language of life. Encinitas, CA: Puddle Dancer.
9. Weiser, D. A., & Weigel, D. J. (2024). Revisiting the charmed circle: A reflexive examination of unanswered questions in the infidelity literature. Social and Personality Psychology Compass, 18(7), e12983. https://doi.org/10.1111/spc3.12983

Community-oriented policing and transparent decision-making are among several strategies that may boost public trust in police, according to a new study published in Psychological Science in the Public Interest.

High-profile police shootings, complaints of police brutality, and public backlash against police policies have eroded trust in police. According to a Gallup poll conducted in June 2015, public confidence in police is at its lowest point in 22 years. That poll found 25% of Americans have a “great deal” of confidence in the police, 27% reported “quite a lot” of confidence, and 30% reported “some.” Sixteen percent say they have “very little” confidence, and 2% say they have none. The 18% of people who say they have very little or no confidence in police is the highest rate of low confidence in police that Gallup has ever reported.

Restoring Public Trust in Police

Research shows public trust in the police has far-reaching social effects. People who trust the police are more likely to obey the law, report crimes, and willingly serve as witnesses during trials.

[fat_widget_right]Researchers evaluated the effectiveness of a range of policing tactics. Their research showed a “broken windows” approach to policing—which prosecutes petty crimes based on the theory that these crimes support an environment where more serious crimes can occur—may slightly reduce crime, but can also erode trust in police. The researchers suggest public perception of police legitimacy is key for improving relationships between officers and the communities they serve and for reducing crime.

However, the researchers also say crime reduction and quality service may not be enough. Instead, public perception of police is most heavily influenced by the extent to which people believe police make fair decisions and treat people fairly.

To accomplish this goal, the researchers suggest police focus on four points:

• Respect: Police who treat citizens with respect can reassure those citizens that their rights are important.
• Trustworthiness: Police should foster sensitivity to community needs, conveying the message that police are interested in doing what is best for the community.
• Neutrality: Police should use transparent decision-making procedures to demonstrate to the public that their decisions are fair.
• Public participation: The community should be involved in decision-making. When citizens are involved in police strategy, they are more likely to accept and support police procedures.

References:

1. How police can regain public trust, according to science. (2015, December 3). Retrieved from http://www.psychologicalscience.org/index.php/news/releases/effective-policing-depends-on-public-trust-science-shows.html
2. Jones, J. M. (2015, June 19). In U.S., confidence in police lowest in 22 years. Retrieved from http://www.gallup.com/poll/183704/confidence-police-lowest-years.aspx
3. Tyler, T., Goff, P. A., & MacCoun, R. J. (2015, November 23). The impact of psychological science on policing in the United States: Procedural justice, legitimacy, and effective law enforcement. Retrieved from http://www.psychologicalscience.org/index.php/publications/policing.html

I recently wrote about pornography use and how it doesn’t necessarily or even usually signify impending doom for a relationship. Some of the responses to the article surprised me—not because there was debate, but because many partners expressed feelings of insecurity about their significant others finding someone else attractive. Some people said they wanted their partners to communicate about their pornography usage, some preferred a “don’t ask, don’t tell” approach, and others preferred to operate under the assumption that their partners do not use porn, without ever discussing the subject openly.

These same “camps” can be applied to partners who develop feelings for other people. Some partners would prefer not to know about those feelings unless they become a problem for that person—if they’re having trouble setting boundaries around their own behavior. A colleague of mine over the summer shared that she and her wife have an agreement to always tell the other person when one develops a crush. Like my colleague, some partners would prefer always to know—this helps them develop an intimate foundation of trust and to make informed, collaborative decisions about the people in their lives. Others would prefer to live under the illusion that they won’t develop attractions or feelings for other people, or that their partners won’t.

I’m here today to discuss productive ways of handling crushes that develop while in a relationship. I’m also here to deliver some bad news. In the same way it’s unreasonable to expect that your partner will never find another person attractive, it’s not especially realistic to believe he or she won’t develop crush-like feelings for another person, even while remaining committed to you.

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The truth is that, no matter our preferences, we often have little control over the things we think and feel. And when we buck up against our thoughts and feelings, rather than owning and accepting them as parts of our lives, they tend to grow.

It’s harder to regulate our thoughts and feelings when we’re shaming ourselves. The same could be said for other internal states we struggle with—anxiety and depression, for example. When we live in relationship to others who react to our feeling states, we don’t just experience baseline symptoms of anxiety and depression; we may also judge ourselves for having those feelings, and then deal with added anxiety as we anticipate the ways our partners might react. From this web, obsessions can develop.

Not Talking about It Isn’t the Answer

One way to take power away from anxiety, depression, or in this case a crush is to talk openly about it. I will specify here that I am writing this article mainly for couples whose communication already feels emotionally safe. We all react poorly to our partners sometimes, but this taboo topic involves a certain ability to empathize and to see from multiple perspectives. If that’s not already happening in your relationship, that’s a red flag, and this advice isn’t for you.

It’s common for people in relationships to try to squash the possibility of their partners attracting other people (and vice versa). And it’s this type of controlling action that hushes secure communication about the tough stuff that otherwise brings partners closer together. When we put limits on our partners from a place of fear, we are not giving them a chance to demonstrate their trustworthiness.

I also want to state that feeling threatened by your partner developing a crush is totally normal. However, it’s important to recognize that this type of jealousy is in part about self-esteem and not just about your partner’s behavior. It’s common for people in relationships to try to squash the possibility of their partners attracting other people (and vice versa). And it’s this type of controlling action that hushes secure communication about the tough stuff that otherwise brings partners closer together. When we put limits on our partners from a place of fear, we are not giving them a chance to demonstrate their trustworthiness.

Over time, this dynamic—one partner using insecurity to control his or her partner, while the partner, in turn, keeps his or her desires a secret, leading to resentment about not being understood—is what dooms partnerships.

Here’s the thing about secrets: they become pressure-cookers for strong feelings. The more one feels like he or she shouldn’t be doing something, the more shame he or she may experience. Rather than serving as a motivator to stop behaviors, shame becomes paralyzing. In partnerships where a secret is finally revealed, partners may spin into feedback loops in which they react to one another and elevate the other person’s anxiety, often without being able to self-regulate their own. This can reinforce feelings of shame and punish partners for trying to confront uncomfortable topics head-on.

How to Decide If a Crush Is Worth Mentioning

Let’s say there’s a classmate or new coworker and after a couple of conversations, you start to get that fluttery feeling in your chest. Depending on what you’re like, you might either want to pursue the person or run for the hills. Regardless of what your gut is telling you to do, let’s also say you’re in a committed partnership. How can you communicate about these feelings in a way that’s fair to all parties?

First, search yourself. Rather than pushing your feelings away, recognize that what you’re dealing with is a crush. You don’t need to become attached to this label, as crushes and feelings are fickle things, but give yourself the opportunity to explore your thoughts and feelings, perhaps on paper, or talk them out with a compassionate friend. Chances are, your crush will already feel less powerful.

Another option is to meditate—simply to witness how strong the tides of desire ebb and flow from moment to moment. Ask yourself pointed questions and see what clarity can come when you stop trying to push your thoughts away.

Sex educator Dr. Emily Nagoski (2015) offers tips for couples and individuals who are working through their emotions and relays nonjudgmental communication strategies for acknowledging those emotions. She tells us to treat our emotions as if they are sleepy hedgehogs sitting in our laps. It is not helpful to scream at your partner about the presence of the hedgehog, nor is it useful to pretend the hedgehog is not there; the existence of the hedgehog is going to impact you and your partnership. But by dealing with the hedgehog—the emotion—tenderly and with compassion, you and your partner will prosper.

How to Bring Up a Crush with a Partner

If you decide it’s best to speak up about your crush, you might experience even more anxiety than you did about the crush in the first place. For difficult dialogues, I strongly recommend Reid Mihalko’s Difficult Conversation Formula (Mihalko, 2012), which I first found in the book Girl Sex 101 (Moon & diamond, 2014, p. 54) but is also available as a downloadable worksheet in the reference list. It goes like this:

1. I have something to tell you.
2. Here’s what I’m afraid will happen when I tell you …
3. Here’s what I want to have happen …
4. Here’s what I have to tell you …

Sometimes, it’s OK for conversations with your partner to feel like a first draft, but recognize when that’s what they are and maybe say so. You don’t have to have a thesis or a conclusion when you sit down to talk with your partner, but owning that “these are my feelings and I don’t necessarily want to do anything about them, but I feel like you should know what they are” is incredibly helpful for some people. And because this confession is likely to summon strong feelings, maybe try drafting out your points ahead of time—either with the worksheet, in your head, or with a trusted friend.

If you have a crush on someone who is not your partner, here’s an example of how a difficult dialogue might be introduced using steps 2 and 3:

I’m afraid if I tell you, you’ll get upset and will question my love for you, but that’s not what this is about for me.

I want us to be able to talk about this because if we don’t now, I’m afraid it’s going to grow. I want us to have a trusting partnership where we can talk about the things that make us uncomfortable, even when it’s scary.

Chances are, if both partners are able to recognize that the other person is honest, has good intentions, and keeps the best interests of the partnership in mind, this conversation will provide both partners with an opportunity to strengthen trust and grow intimacy.

Best of luck!

References:

1. Mihalko, R. (2012). Say what’s not being said: Reid’s formula for difficult conversations. ReidAboutSex. Retrieved from http://reidaboutsex.com/difficult-conversation-formula/
2. Moon, A., & diamond, kd. (2014). Girl Sex 101. Lunatic Ink.
3. Nagoski, E. (2015). Come as you are: The surprising new science that will transform your sex life. New York, NY: Simon & Schuster Paperbacks.

Thank you for your letter. I am sure that it hurt your feelings, to say the least, when your husband laughed at your request to remove the woman from his Facebook friends list. I also think that, while your feelings are very understandable, this woman is in some ways a red herring for both of you. My sense is that something is missing from the marriage and your feeling undervalued might be there with or without the online classmate. Somehow, his flirtation only exacerbated a feeling of disrespect and devaluing—a big “ouch” for anyone.

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First of all, “extremely flirtatious” sounds concerning. From what you saw, did it stray into the sexually explicit? Did they toy with the idea of taking things a step further—“Hey, at the next class reunion, you and I will have our own private stroll down memory lane,” or something along those lines? It is hard to make a judgment about this secondhand, though again the important thing is your hurt feelings and the sense of being in second place (yikes). We all want to feel we’re “the one” with our partner. I also, though, wonder if his leaving it open for you to read was an unconscious communication of a kind, a signal to you that he wants these kinds of conversations with you and not her. An indirect distress call of sorts, or maybe even a protest bordering on the passive-aggressive. If this is truly a “secretive” relationship, he’s not being very secretive about it.

As for marital drift, I can’t tell you how common an issue this is for long-term marriages. Routine and day-to-day security is a double-edged sword: it is comforting, but it can dull our appreciation of who we’re with. We feel secure in knowing what to expect, that our partner is there for us, day in and day out … and may also begin to wish for something a little more vivid and emotionally satisfying, since our partner is always there day in and day out. Routines both soothe and lull us into complacency. Plus, if someone is “always there,” there may be little urgency regarding sex. Sex and physical intimacy (touching, cuddling) can wait until later, or the next day, tomorrow, maybe this weekend, next week … etc. Perhaps, then, this incident is an opportunity to rekindle something. Your husband obviously means a great deal to you, and I have the feeling a little freshness in the romance department could liven things up.

I’m thinking of at least two things to possibly try, depending on the state of affairs. First, more superficially, you could try something spontaneous that you both find a turn-on, something outside the usual routine—a weekend getaway somewhere you both like, some lingerie or a sexy movie you can watch together (and no, we’re never too old), back rubs, an old role-playing game you haven’t tried in a while. These are just some of the first things that come to mind. Laughter, too, can be sexy. Perhaps you both need a night out at the comedy club, or dance lessons (my wife’s favorite), followed by a nice dinner while sharing memories. There’s also massage: a foot rub with massage lotion can do wonders, taking a bath together with candles, and so on. Again, these are more surface things, but sometimes a little spark is all that’s needed.

I would emphasize avoiding concrete solutions at first—i.e., to “unfriend” her or not—until after you have shared feelings and listened and tried to understand how the other feels. Jumping into concrete details will dilute the more essential task of understanding each other’s perspectives and hopes, fears, desires, etc., at play in the marriage as of today.

Or it could be that what’s needed is way of addressing the depths of your feelings and the concern over a strained connection; you may want to sit him down, at a time that works for both of you, and spell out as calmly and non-accusingly as you can what it is you feel and would like to see happen, to make sure he really understands your concerns and how this episode has hurt. I recommend approaching this as partners who are seeking to strengthen the bonds of “the team.” (Rather than “you’re my problem here,” it’s “distance is our problem here.”) Try to keep the focus on you as much as you can, rather than that online woman. He is married to you, not her, but you’re not feeling it lately. You miss him as the man you love, and want to feel him as your chosen partner, not (I’m just guessing) your roommate. You can also mention that when he laughs and dismisses the idea, it feels minimizing and perhaps even abandoning.

I would emphasize avoiding concrete solutions at first—i.e., to “unfriend” her or not—until after you have shared feelings and listened and tried to understand how the other feels. Jumping into concrete details will dilute the more essential task of understanding each other’s perspectives and hopes, fears, desires, etc., at play in the marriage as of today.

Try asking him for his perspective, and—here’s the hard part—try and listen as openly as you can. Imagine, for a moment, you are a friend and not his wife. Is there something bugging him about the relationship? What does he think may be going on here? What was it he found with this friend and not you that can, hopefully, be sparked in the marriage? Does he understand how hurtful it was to stumble upon this online “chat”? I hope that such a dialogue would strengthen your bond, since hurt feelings can also be a catalyst for a couple’s coming closer together with deeper understanding.

It is often a turn-on to feel one’s partner understands how they feel, what they desire, and what hurts. Then we have not just a partner but an ally, someone in our corner who knows our heart, warts and all, and loves and accepts us for who we are. I hope you and your husband are able to find some of this … and there’s no shame in seeking out some couples counseling if the two of you need a little assistance sharing and hearing each other. Sometimes, even just a handful of sessions, with a focus on empathic and reflective listening, can help.

Best of luck to you, and thanks for bravely writing!
Darren

With the intensity of the feelings you and your husband are experiencing, I imagine two weeks feels like a long time. In reality, and especially considering your husband’s preexisting trust issues, two weeks is a small blip on the radar. My sense is that it is going to take quite a bit more time and work to come back from this.

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Because it has only been a couple of weeks—and it does sound like there has been some progress made—it seems possible that you two might be able to work this through on your own. However, because trust has always been somewhat of an issue for your husband, it might be valuable to consider partnering with a couples therapist. Couples therapists are trained and experienced in working through issues very similar to the one you and your husband are experiencing.

Trust is not a static quality in relationships; it ebbs and flows throughout the course of a relationship based on personal insecurities, jealousy, life changes, actions that breach trust, and many other things. When the trust levels in a relationship are low, it is important for couples to acknowledge this and work on it. While fluctuations in trust are normal, unaddressed trust issues are a recipe for disaster.

While fluctuations in trust are normal, unaddressed trust issues are a recipe for disaster.

It sounds like you are acknowledging the validity of your husband’s feelings and accepting your role in the situation. This, along with patience and a willingness to continue to work on healing—again, ideally with a therapist—is really all you can do. Hopefully, your husband will also be willing to commit to the process of healing from this experience, as well as a deeper exploration of the trust issues he seems to have brought into your marriage. Getting to the root of his trust issues is an important part of your path forward together, and until you do that, continuing to have compassion for your husband and the pain of his past betrayal is important.

It sounds like recovering from this is going to be a longer and more painful process than you were expecting. While I can’t make any guarantees about outcomes, this could end up leading you and your husband to much deeper trust and greater intimacy.

Respectfully,

Sarah