I define an emotional affair as a relationship in which one or both parties are involved in another significant relationship where there is emotional intimacy, sexual chemistry, and romantic feelings, without the relationship having been consummated.

Recent research indicates that 76% of Americans consider a secret emotional relationship to constitute a form of infidelity, highlighting just how seriously these connections are viewed. Frequently in emotional affairs, the partner who didn’t have the affair experiences the same degree of betrayal and breach of trust as he or she would if a spouse had a physical affair. Research shows that individuals often view emotional infidelities as more hurtful than sexual infidelities. At times, an emotional affair can feel even more damaging because someone else has met the partner’s emotional needs.

It can also be helpful to understand that an affair is often not only a discrete event, but a signal that something in the relationship system has broken down. While this does not excuse the betrayal or the pain it causes, emotional and physical affairs alike frequently emerge in relationships where partners feel unable, unsafe, or unequipped to address growing disconnection, unmet needs, or conflict directly.

Current studies show that roughly 60% to 75% of couples stay together after discovering an affair, and your relationship can most certainly survive and perhaps even become even closer than it was before the affair.

At the same time, recovery is not only about repairing the rupture caused by the affair itself. It also involves examining the underlying emotional, structural, and communication patterns that may have created the conditions in which the affair developed. In fact, recent research from 2023 found that nearly 46% of unfaithful partners and 36% of betrayed partners believed their relationship ultimately improved after working through the affair.

Here are some tips to get you back on track:

Tip 1: Be willing to look at the affair in the context of your relationship.

Emotional affairs often start because emotional needs are unmet, the person has low self-esteem, and connecting with others online is a very easy process. Many people in unhappy relationships feel unheard, disconnected and unwanted. If one person is looking outside the relationship to get emotional needs met, it may be likely that person’s needs aren’t being met within the primary relationship. Be willing to honestly consider what had been going on in your significant relationship prior to the beginning of the affair.

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“Joanne” and “Jeff,” both teachers at an international school, recently came to see me for therapy because Jeff had an emotional affair with Eileen, another teacher at the school. When Eileen was in the process of separating from her husband, Jeff had become her confidant, and the relationship deepened from there.

When Joanne found out about the affair, she was furious, hurt, and felt out of control. She made going to therapy a condition of continuing the relationship. As we began to work together, it was revealed that Joanne had given birth to the couple’s first child a year ago. Since that time, Jeff reported feeling left out and uncared for as Joanne had been preoccupied with the baby’s needs. He was missing the easy companionship and enjoyable sex they had before. However, he never told this to Joanne, and she had no way of knowing how Jeff was feeling.

Here, the context of the relationship was the birth of the couple’s first child and Jeff’s feelings of isolation and exclusion when Joanne’s attention was diverted to their baby. Because he didn’t share this with Joanne, his emotional needs went unmet within their relationship. Once this came out in therapy, Joanne was able to acknowledge Jeff’s feelings, and together they came up with strategies for Joanne to meet Jeff’s emotional needs and vice versa.

In this way, the affair can be understood as disrupting an existing pattern that had already been fostering disconnection. While the behavior itself is harmful and must be addressed, it can also bring into focus the relationship habits, avoided conversations, and unmet needs that were present beforehand. Exploring these patterns allows couples to move beyond blame and toward a more complete understanding of their shared dynamic.

Tip 2: Talk about your feelings and needs with your partner without judgment or blame.

This is often easier said than done when strong feelings are present. Accusations can be flung, which rarely help couples resolve anything.

For many couples, these moments are especially difficult because they touch on long-standing fears, including fear of conflict, fear of rejection, or fear of destabilizing the relationship. As a result, important issues may have gone unspoken even before the affair. Developing clear boundaries and building the capacity to tolerate the discomfort of honest conversations are essential steps in changing this pattern.

When I work with couples, I teach a communication model called [nonviolent communication NVC, or compassionate communication as I prefer to call it. Recent research from 2024 shows that NVC training has improved interpersonal relationships among healthcare professionals, reduced workplace conflict, and promoted a culture of empathy and cooperation in high-stress environments.

Using this model, couples learn how to identify and express their feelings and needs to each other without blame, then to make a request of their partner, which can be answered yes or no. I find when people take responsibility for their own feelings and needs and communicate them directly to their partners, they can be heard in a non-defensive way because there is no judgment involved.

It is a very simple model that looks like this:

Observation: I make an observation about what I heard or saw the other person say or do, like a video camera recording the action. A video camera has no judgment or blame; it’s simply recording. The statement starts with, “When you do or say ________ …”

Feelings: I name the feeling I experienced as a result of the observation. An example would be, “When you say I don’t care about you, I feel hurt and misunderstood.”

Needs: This refers to common human needs that we all experience. Examples are needs for acceptance, love, understanding, collaboration, harmony, happiness, peace, etc. Now the model looks like, “When you say I don’t care about you, I feel hurt because I have a need for respect and understanding.”

Request: I then make a request of the other person that can be answered yes or no, using the phrase, “Would you be willing to ________?”

In Jeff and Joanne’s case, after the sentence in the third category of the model (needs), I would ask, “Would you be willing to talk with me more about this without blaming me so I can better understand what you mean?” This puts the whole conversation in a different light and can elicit a very different response than when I’m simply told, “You don’t care about me.”

When an emotional affair has occurred in a relationship, it’s essential that both partners learn to express delicate and vulnerable feelings without judgment so they can get past the accusation phase and arrive at some solutions.

This process is most effective when couples work to move away from rigid roles of villain and victim. While accountability remains crucial, lasting repair often depends on each partner’s willingness to examine both the impact of the affair and the broader relational context in which it occurred.

Tip 3: Be open to coming up with new strategies to solve the underlying problem.

In Joanne and Jeff’s case, the underlying problem was that, since the birth of their son, Jeff had felt excluded and hurt by what he perceived to be Joanne’s inattentiveness. Because Jeff didn’t want to feel more vulnerable, he didn’t express his feelings to Joanne. They first needed to identify the problem and then communicate their feelings and needs to each other.

The rupture caused by an affair, while painful, can also serve as an opportunity to intentionally rebuild the relationship with a healthier framework. This may include redefining boundaries, clarifying expectations, and asking an important question: “What kind of relationship do we each want to create moving forward?” Answering this together can help shift the focus from simply repairing damage to actively designing a more connected and resilient partnership.

Research on trust rebuilding shows that it is a gradual process requiring patience and consistent effort, with both partners needing to feel internal “pro-relationship” motivation rooted in care for their partner.

This paved the way for them to strategize about effective solutions. Jeff might have said, “When I come home from work and tell you about my day and you don’t listen, I feel hurt and dismissed because I have a need to be heard. Would you be willing to tell me when would be a good time for us to talk if you’re busy with the baby?”

Joanne, for her part, would have heard it was important to Jeff to talk about his day, and she may have been willing to make another time. When Jeff swallowed his feelings instead of expressing them, there was no way for Joanne to know there was a problem, so of course no solution could be reached.

Recent studies on relationship interventions show that most couples who receive evidence-based therapy obtain significant results in improving relationship satisfaction, with these effects often sustained at follow-up. Indeed, a relationship can survive an emotional affair if both partners are committed to finding a way past it.

Ultimately, healing from an emotional affair involves holding two truths at once: acknowledging and working through the real hurt and breach of trust, while also examining the relational patterns that made disconnection possible. When couples are able to do both, they are better positioned not only to recover, but to create a relationship that feels more secure, open, and intentional.

If you find this too difficult to do on your own, often just a few sessions of couples therapy can kick-start the process. Meta-analyses show that couples therapy is effective for improving relationship satisfaction, communication skills, and emotional intimacy.

Note: To protect privacy, names in the preceding article have been changed and the dialogues described are a composite.

• Adriani, P. A., Hino, P., Taminato, M., Okuno, M. F. P., Santos, O. V., & Fernandes, H. (2024). Non-violent communication as a technology in interpersonal relationships in health work: A scoping review. BMC Health Services Research, 24, 289. https://doi.org/10.1186/s12913-024-10753-2
• Carr, A. (2025). Couple therapy and systemic interventions for adult-focused problems: The evidence base. Journal of Family Therapy, 47(1), 6-42. https://doi.org/10.1111/1467-6427.12481
• Fincham, F. D., & May, R. W. (2017). Infidelity in romantic relationships. Current Opinion in Psychology, 13, 70-74.
• Institute for Family Studies. (2020). What counts as ‘cheating’ in marriage? Emotional infidelity in a national sample. https://ifstudies.org/blog/what-counts-as-cheating-in-marriage-emotional-infidelity-in-a-national-sample
• Kernová, L., Halamová, J., & Deriglazov, D. (2025). Effectiveness of digital interventions on relationship satisfaction among couples: A systematic review and meta-analysis. BMC Psychology, 13, 1069. https://doi.org/10.1186/s40359-025-03444-y
• Knox, C., & Rempel, J. K. (2024). Rebuilding trust in romantic relationships [Poster presentation]. Society for Personality and Social Psychology Annual Convention, San Diego, CA, USA. https://doi.org/10.17605/OSF.IO/AP26D
• Neilson, E. C., & Maitland, D. W. M. (2025). Acceptance and commitment therapy for couples: A systematic review and meta-analysis. Journal of Contextual Behavioral Science, 36, 100892.
• Rosenberg, M. (2003). Nonviolent communication: A language of life. Encinitas, CA: Puddle Dancer.
• Weiser, D. A., & Weigel, D. J. (2024). Revisiting the charmed circle: A reflexive examination of unanswered questions in the infidelity literature. Social and Personality Psychology Compass, 18(7), e12983. https://doi.org/10.1111/spc3.12983

References:

1. Adriani, P. A., Hino, P., Taminato, M., Okuno, M. F. P., Santos, O. V., & Fernandes, H. (2024). Non-violent communication as a technology in interpersonal relationships in health work: A scoping review. BMC Health Services Research, 24, 289. https://doi.org/10.1186/s12913-024-10753-2
2. Carr, A. (2025). Couple therapy and systemic interventions for adult-focused problems: The evidence base. Journal of Family Therapy, 47(1), 6-42. https://doi.org/10.1111/1467-6427.12481
3. Fincham, F. D., & May, R. W. (2017). Infidelity in romantic relationships. Current Opinion in Psychology, 13, 70-74.
4. Institute for Family Studies. (2020). What counts as ‘cheating’ in marriage? Emotional infidelity in a national sample. https://ifstudies.org/blog/what-counts-as-cheating-in-marriage-emotional-infidelity-in-a-national-sample
5. Kernová, L., Halamová, J., & Deriglazov, D. (2025). Effectiveness of digital interventions on relationship satisfaction among couples: A systematic review and meta-analysis. BMC Psychology, 13, 1069. https://doi.org/10.1186/s40359-025-03444-y
6. Knox, C., & Rempel, J. K. (2024). Rebuilding trust in romantic relationships [Poster presentation]. Society for Personality and Social Psychology Annual Convention, San Diego, CA, USA. https://doi.org/10.17605/OSF.IO/AP26D
7. Neilson, E. C., & Maitland, D. W. M. (2025). Acceptance and commitment therapy for couples: A systematic review and meta-analysis. Journal of Contextual Behavioral Science, 36, 100892.
8. Rosenberg, M. (2003). Nonviolent communication: A language of life. Encinitas, CA: Puddle Dancer.
9. Weiser, D. A., & Weigel, D. J. (2024). Revisiting the charmed circle: A reflexive examination of unanswered questions in the infidelity literature. Social and Personality Psychology Compass, 18(7), e12983. https://doi.org/10.1111/spc3.12983

If you are involved in a relationship with a person who has been diagnosed with autism spectrum disorder, you’re likely familiar with this scenario: You have a discussion with your partner. It turns oddly off course. You’re left confused. And then—slam!—you’re hit with something hurtful that takes the wind out of your sails.

This is different from other conversations that go off the rails. In this case, you have to struggle with the realization that your partner did not mean to hurt you. There was no intent to abuse, but you are reeling just the same.

So what do you do with the pain?

Do you deny it because you understand it was not inflicted intentionally? Or do you ignore it, hoping it will go away?

These are two time-honored methods used by many of the individuals who come to my office for counseling regarding this aspect of their relationships. The problem is that they backfire; by using them, you generally end up feeling more hurt. Then the ground is fertile for resentment and contempt, and—as relationship researcher John Gottman has repeatedly pointed out—once these emotions enter a relationship through what he calls the “Four Horsemen” patterns (criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling), it is very difficult to retrieve mutual respect and rebuild.

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Besides, you already know these methods don’t work.

How do I know that you know? Because you likely don’t feel any relief.

Recent research has enhanced our understanding of communication between autistic and neurotypical partners. Studies supporting the “double empathy” framework show that communication challenges often arise from differences in social communication styles between autistic and neurotypical individuals, rather than deficits in either person. while autistic individuals face challenges in relationships including communication barriers, they also possess strengths such as pattern recognition and truthful communication.

If you are seeing a counselor, be certain that he or she understands the unique dynamics of being in a relationship in which one partner is on the autism spectrum. From an educational perspective, there are enormous implications that might make the difference between being helpful to a neurotypical partner in an autistic-neurotypical partnership and being not so helpful.

What may look like self-centeredness or even narcissism in your story is more likely to be your legitimate expression of not feeling heard by your autistic partner. , your experience of being lonely and hurt in your relationship is valid.

While it may not be the result of conscious disregard, your experience of being lonely and hurt in your relationship is valid.

] Contemporary research shows that autistic individuals report high levels of interest in pursuing and maintaining romantic relationships, and autistic people are involved in satisfying long-term relationships when understanding and accommodation are present.

If your partner is in counseling, or if you are in couples counseling together, it is equally important that your therapist have a specialized understanding of this unique relationship. Autism exists on a spectrum with great clinical heterogeneity, ranging from individuals who require significant support to those who can function independently with typical or above-average intellectual abilities. However, understanding the impact of the neurological differences and the arc of possibility upon which they can play out in an intimate relationship is essential for fair couples work, and certainly for providing substantive assistance to the person with the diagnosis.

A neurodiversity-affirming approach views autism as neurological differences to be understood and accommodated rather than deficits to be fixed. Recent developments in autism support emphasize helping neurotypical people learn autistic communication preferences rather than requiring autistic individuals to mask their natural communication styles.

If you suspect that your partner is on the spectrum but has no diagnosis, please bear in mind that a professional assessment is essential; there is no online quiz or self-help book that will help you to make that diagnosis on your own.

Still, you know your situation best. If your partner is hurting you emotionally and you can’t seem to get him or her to understand you when you talk about your pain, as a starting point, consider couples work with a counselor who understands autism spectrum disorder. The couples work will be helpful regardless of whether autism is a factor, and as is frequently the case with couples with whom I work, an assessment becomes part of our work together. Everyone wins. The person either has or does not have the diagnosis. It is a triaging tool in that it allows a couple to move forward knowing what they are dealing with in their interpersonal communication.

Research suggests that when both partners develop understanding of differing communication styles and consciously use strategies to bridge communication gaps, deeper connection and relationship satisfaction can result.

Please don’t try to swallow your pain. At the very least, recognize that if you feel hurt, it is because you ARE in pain, regardless of intent or circumstances. Your pain is real—and it deserves your attention.

Be kind to yourself.

*If you or someone you love is contemplating suicide, seek help immediately. For help 24/7, contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988 for free and confidential emotional support.*

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References:

1. Neu, B., et al. (2025). Autism in romantic relationships: A content analysis of challenges and strengths (2013–2024). Journal of Family Theory & Review. DOI: 10.1111/jftr.70001
2. Bottema-Beutel, K., et al. (2023). Autism spectrum disorder in 2023: A challenge still open. PMC. PMC10724724
3. Stokes, M. A., et al. (2023). Factors of relationship satisfaction for autistic and non-autistic partners in long-term relationships. Autism, 27(8), 2348-2360. DOI: 10.1177/13623613231160244
4. Khaw, J., & Vernon, T. (2025). Relationship satisfaction among autistic populations: How partner neurotype influences relationship satisfaction factors for autistic adults. Autism in Adulthood. DOI: 10.1089/aut.2024.0124
5. Jones, D. R., Botha, M., Ackerman, R. A., King, K., & Sasson, N. J. (2024). Non-autistic observers both detect and demonstrate the double empathy problem when evaluating interactions between autistic and non-autistic adults. Autism, 28(8), 2053-2065. DOI: 10.1177/13623613231219743
6. Crompton, C. J., et al. (2020). Autistic peer-to-peer information transfer is highly effective. Autism, 24(7), 1704-1712. DOI: 10.1177/1362361320919286
7. Haroon, R., & Dogar, F. (2025). NeuroBridge: AI tool to help neurotypical people learn how to better communicate with autistic people. Tufts Now. Retrieved from https://now.tufts.edu/2025/12/05/helping-neurotypicals-understand-autistic-communication
8. Wise, S. J. (2024). We’re all neurodiverse: How to build a neurodiversity-affirming future and challenge neuronormativity. London, UK: Jessica Kingsley Publishers.
9. Gottman, J. (2024). The four horsemen: Recognizing criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. The Gottman Institute. Retrieved from https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/
10. Lerner, M. D., Gurba, A. N., & Gassner, D. L. (2023). A framework for neurodiversity-affirming interventions for autistic individuals. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 91(8), 503-515. DOI: 10.1037/ccp0000839

“Time is the currency of relationships. There’s no way to invest into a relationship without investing your time.” —Dave Willis

Time is a mystery. When we’re young, we have all the time in the world. When we’re married with kids, we never have enough time. When the nest is empty, we wonder where the time went. As we age, we increasingly comprehend the value of time. When faced with the realization that time will end, we truly appreciate just how precious it is.

I learned that lesson 20 years ago when my younger sister, Harriet, age 30, got a rare and aggressive type of cancer—only 200 cases or so of adrenal cancer are diagnosed per year in the United States, according to cancer.org. They gave her six to nine months. True to her personality, Harriet fought; she had surgery, then chemo, then more chemo and more surgery. She extended her life for 15 months. She taught me the meaning of time. She wanted as much as she could get.

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During those 15 months, I had a full-time practice, a 2-year-old and a 4-year-old, and less time than ever. But I knew I had to make time. Time to spend with her, time to go to the hospital, time to shop together, time to talk, time to laugh, time to grieve, time to say everything we could think of to say to each other before she passed. If you asked me where I got the time, I couldn’t tell you. I just made it. Harriet taught me the value of time. I stopped saying, “I don’t have enough time.” I realized that time is priceless, and that I had more control than I had previously thought.

We choose how to spend our time every day.

In couples and marriage counseling, I often hear frustrated couples complain, “We don’t have time for date nights,” or, “We don’t have time to work on our relationship.” There are too many tasks, long days at work, food shopping, laundry, homework, after-school activities, sports, and lessons. The list never ends.

My response is, “You have to make the time.” If your relationship, your marriage, and the future of your family are important, become the master of your time.

You may think it’s impossible, but even small changes can make a big difference. Here are some examples of what my husband, Bob, and I did to master our time over the years:

• When our kids were young, Bob and I scheduled a long lunch together every Friday to connect. We made it a priority—sacred time. We used to joke that it was the only time there were no kids and we were both awake.
• We limited the amount of time for our kids’ activities so we could have dinner together some nights. By the way, the kids grew up fine; neither of them has complained about not participating in enough activities, but if they do, I’ll tell them to complain to their therapists.
• We took the kids on some memorable family vacations before they got to the stage where they didn’t want to be seen with us.
• Three or four times each year, Bob and I went to a bed-and-breakfast, for just one night and two days, to remember why we married each other. We looked forward to those weekends. It kept the passion alive.

Time is precious. We all have 24 hours a day. What we do with our time will define the quality of our lives and our relationships.

The secret to finding more time for your relationship is to realize that you have the power to create it. Here are six tips that will help:

1. Take stock: Have a conversation with your partner about how you spend your time each week. Talk about work, time with kids, activities, laundry, cleaning, shopping. Discuss what is working and what isn’t, and what you would like to change.
2. Create your time wish list: Brainstorm the activities you would like to do together if you had more time. Then prioritize them. Don’t forget sex; making love often ends up on the bottom of the list.
3. Identify what you can change: Figure out what you can do to create more time together. For instance:
   • Take personal or vacation time to spend the day together without kids.
   • Adjust work schedules; go in earlier and come home earlier.
   • Limit the number of activities the kids participate in.
   • Establish cutoff times for electronics in the evenings—computer, cell phone, Facebook.
   • Hire a babysitter more often or trade off babysitting with friends.
   • Pay someone else to clean or do chores.
   • Lower your standards about the neatness of the house.
4. Build time rituals: Create activities that you can build in habitually so you don’t have to remember to make time. Some examples are:
   • Schedule a regular date night.
   • Get up 15 minutes early and have coffee together.
   • At the end of each day, spend 15 minutes together talking.
   • Have a weekly lunch together.
   • Buy a subscription to the symphony or tickets to the ballgame.
   • Go to bed together at night and cuddle.
5. Plan ahead: Make time together a priority. Each Sunday, look at your calendars for the upcoming week and plan your time together. Make appointments for sex. You may prefer spontaneity, but that’s not always possible.
6. Share gratitude: Don’t take time for granted. We may have 24 hours a day, but we never know for how many days. (At his yearly checkup, Bob always asks his doctor for his expiration date, but the doctor won’t tell him.) Show your partner you are grateful for your relationship, for your life together, for your family. It’s the greatest gift on earth.

Here’s to my wonderful sister, who taught me the most important lesson of my life: to spend the gift of time wisely.

I’d love to hear how the issue of time shows up in your relationship. Please comment below.

Why Feeling Unheard Hurts So Deeply

Feeling unheard in your relationship can be frustrating, isolating, and exhausting. You might try to talk about your needs, only to be met with defensiveness, distraction, or silence. This is one of the most common challenges couples face—and it’s one you can change.

I once received a call from a woman who wanted to start couples therapy with her husband of 10 years. When they tried to talk, the conversation often became heated, ending in arguments. She hoped therapy could help them improve their communication skills.

In my practice, about eight out of ten couples seek therapy for communication concerns. Most relationship experts — and countless self-help books — emphasize that the key to a better relationship is good communication. But here’s the truth: communication isn’t just about talking. It’s equally about listening.

Why Good Communication Requires Good Listening

Healthy communication builds trust and intimacy. When we talk and share our feelings, we feel closer to others and are more likely to have our needs met.

But without the capacity to truly listen, even the most heartfelt words can be lost. Talking without listening is like sending a letter with no address — it never reaches the person it was meant for.

As human beings, we have a deep need to be heard. This begins in infancy, when caregivers respond to our cries. The important part isn’t just what they say or do in response — it’s that we feel heard, period.

When partners dismiss, deflect, or respond defensively, they can leave the other feeling rejected or even abandoned. Over time, this erodes trust and connection. Anyone can talk, but not everyone can listen.

Signs You’re Not Being Heard by Your Partner

When you communicate with your partner, notice if any of these signs appear:

• They flip the topic so you become the problem.

• They tell you you’re being “ridiculous” or “overreacting.”

• Their focus is on proving why they feel the same way.

• They walk out or leave the room.

• It seems like they’ve heard you, but the same issue keeps coming back.

If you recognize these patterns, it’s worth exploring why they happen. Often, listening problems stem from deeper emotional or relational dynamics.

Why Some People Struggle to Listen

Poor listening skills can come from deeper issues — not just unwillingness to hear. Common reasons include:

• Emotional overwhelm – Some people feel swamped by their own emotions or by the emotions of others.

• Poor timing – Trying to talk when your partner is distracted, tired, or stressed can block listening.

• Unresolved resentment – Lingering hurt feelings can create mental barriers to hearing your partner.

• Mental health challenges – Conditions such as anxiety, stress, or attention-deficit issues can make listening more difficult.

Understanding why your partner struggles to listen — and practicing compassion — can help you address the problem more effectively.

How to Improve Listening Skills in Your Relationship

On a practical level, Imago therapy offers a helpful technique for couples called “mirroring.” This involves one partner speaking while the other repeats back exactly what they heard, without judgment or defensiveness.

Here’s how to try it in a calm, safe moment:

1. Ask first – “Is now a good time to talk?” If not, set a time that works for both of you.

2. Speak concisely – Stay on topic and share the most important points.

3. Pause and reflect – Ask your partner to repeat back what they heard.

4. Switch roles – Once you feel heard, let your partner share while you listen.

If your partner becomes defensive or is unable to do this, it may be time to find a therapist who can guide you through the process.

When to Seek Professional Support

If you’ve tried multiple strategies but still feel unheard, professional help can make a big difference. A couple’s therapist can:

• Identify underlying patterns blocking communication

• Teach tools for better listening and empathy

• Provide a safe space for honest dialogue

Questions to Ask a Couples Therapist

• How do you help couples improve their listening skills?

• What therapeutic approaches do you use for communication issues?

• How will we know we’re making progress?

The GoodTherapy Commitment

For over 17 years, GoodTherapy has connected people with ethical, qualified therapists who respect client autonomy and dignity. Our directory includes professionals specializing in communication and relationship concerns — helping couples feel heard, valued, and connected.

Remember: Listening is a skill that can be strengthened with awareness, patience, and support. You and your partner can learn to hear and be heard — and doing so can transform the quality of your connection. Communication challenges are common, but you don’t have to face them alone. A skilled couples therapist can help you and your partner develop listening habits that build trust, empathy, and connection.

Find a qualified therapist near you and take the next step toward better communication today.

“I do.”

Those two simple words seal a commitment that is supposed to last a lifetime, but falls somewhere short of forever for nearly half of the American people who make it.

Although the divorce rate in the United States has been falling steadily for decades and is no longer hovering at 50%, divorce rates for cultures where arranged marriage is the norm have always been much lower, averaging around 4% and as low as 1% in India, where the majority of marriages are arranged. While it’s hard to overlook the enormous difference in those statistics, comparison is difficult since divorce may not be supported or accepted in some cultures and can be difficult to obtain in others. Marriage experts in the U.S. and other Western cultures, however, are examining whether the institution of arranged marriage could offer any insight into helping non-arranged marriages endure the test of time.

What Is Arranged Marriage?

When attempting to understand how an arranged marriage can be successful, it is important to understand what it is and what it is not. All too often, arranged marriage gets mistaken for forced marriage; the two are distinctly different.

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Contrary to many popular assumptions, arranged marriage is not always mandatory. In fact, both partners, including the woman, are typically given choice in the matter. The meeting of potential spouses is usually arranged by a third party, such as parents, but the decision to ultimately marry usually lies with the couple. In a forced marriage, one or both members of the potential couple are not given the power of consent and are sometimes forced into the situation under duress.

Arranged marriage is common in countries such as India and Pakistan and is also prevalent in some parts of Africa and Asia. Religions such as Hinduism, Orthodox Judaism, and Islam have historically been proponents of arranged marriage.

Though arranged marriage may seem like a strange custom to some in the West, marrying for love is a relatively recent concept. Arranged marriage was the norm in Western European societies until the late 1700s, when romantic love and personal choice began emerging as social ideals.

The practice has undergone a technical revolution as of late and has become somewhat akin to a hiring process, where an ad may placed in the paper or online and potential spouses are screened like applicants. In some cases, they are encouraged to submit photos and credentials—almost like a résumé—in hopes of obtaining an interview and meeting with the family.

How Well Can Arranged Marriages Actually Work?

The reality is that people choose to get married for diverse reasons and romantic love is only one of them. Some people marry for the comforts of security, companionship, and to start a family, while others marry for something as simple tax breaks or because of cultural pressure.

Some see falling in love as a magical, life-altering experience that strengthens a bond. Though it may not happen in the same way, many people in arranged marriages state that they, too, gradually fell in love with their partners.

For some, arranged marriage has many advantages. First, it relieves many of the pressures involved in finding a partner. It also frees those in the arrangement to be themselves instead of having to try to impress a potential spouse. Second, partners in arranged marriages are more likely to have similar belief systems, family backgrounds, education, and finances. When your parents help choose your mate, it is likely that they choose someone of similar or equal stature. When we leave the matchmaking to Cupid, many initially unknown factors may reveal themselves over time and affect future compatibility.

Many not on board with arranged marriage would cite missing the opportunity to fall in love as a major drawback. Some see falling in love as a magical, life-altering experience that strengthens a bond. Though it may not happen in the same way, many people in arranged marriages state that they, too, gradually fell in love with their partners. Whereas marriages based on romantic love sometimes start off steamy and fizzle out over time, arranged marriages may start out slow before feelings deepen and strengthen with time.

Furthermore, on a biological level, romantic feelings can cloud judgment. It isn’t uncommon for a couple who are “madly in love” to marry only to find out later that they are incompatible in some of the most important ways. It is perhaps for this reason that arranged marriages based on compatibility, shared values, and future potential may be more likely to last.

Are Arranged and Non-Arranged Marriages All That Different?

An Indian couple whose marriage was arranged recently did an interview with Cosmopolitan. The couple expressed feeling less pressure in the beginning stages of their relationship and said they still feel like they are dating even though they are married. They declared that they are falling more in love each day as they continue to get to know each other.

Expressing his feelings on arranged marriage versus non-arranged marriage, the husband told the magazine, “It’s a gamble. Both ways, it’s a gamble. That’s like life in general. And I always think that more than 50% of marriages end up nowhere, even though most of them are after long-term dating. So it’s a gamble either way.”

Whether your life partner was predetermined or chosen by you, it is still difficult to make a lifelong commitment and be certain it will hold, as no one truly knows what the future holds. Divorce is an essential freedom and is sometimes the best outcome for both partners in a marriage where one or both partners is not getting needs met.

Regardless of how a marriage came to be, it is a commitment that requires patience, compassion, empathy, effective communication, and respect to make it last. Neither perceived compatibility nor romantic attraction alone is enough to sustain a marriage.

Many therapists and counselors work with people considering the pluses and minuses of marriage, including arranged marriage, and can help people move forward with clear minds. If things are a little foggy for you as a potential marriage draws near, consider contacting a qualified therapist.

References:

1. Black, L. (2011). Arranged — not forced — marriages a good match in many cultures. Chicago Tribune. Retrieved from http://articles.chicagotribune.com/2011-07-27/news/ct-x-0727-arranged-marriages-20110727_1_marriages-family-traditions-stephanie-coontz
2. Marie, J. (2014). What It’s Really Like to Have an Arranged Marriage. Retrieved from http://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/q-and-a/a33627/what-its-really-like-to-have-an-arranged-marriage/
3. Wolfers, J. (2014). How We Know the Divorce Rate is Falling. The New York Times. Retrieved from http://www.nytimes.com/2014/12/04/upshot/how-we-know-the-divorce-rate-is-falling.html?smid=fb-nytimes&smtyp=cur&bicmp=AD&bicmlukp=WT.mc_id&bicmst=1409232722000&bicmet=1419773522000&abt=0002&abg=1

In light of the recent Supreme Court decision legalizing same-sex marriage across the nation, there has been a surge in the national dialogue about marriage in general. Although a range of opinions exist in response to the SCOTUS ruling, individuals on both sides of the debate are talking about the meaning and purpose of marriage with fervor and passion.

But why does marriage matter?

Marrying for love and happiness is a fairly recent phenomenon. Previous to democratization, which popularized the notion of individual rights and freedoms around the turn of the 14th century, individuals generally either participated in arranged marriages or married according to cultural norms for their social class, socio-economic status, gender, and/or birth order. Despite the fact individuals have not always prioritized attraction or emotions in marital decisions, modern Americans cherish the romance of marrying for love and happiness, as evidenced by just about every relationship narrative in the media today.

Marriage therapists often assist couples struggling with conflict, pain, or feelings of isolation in their marriage. If the purpose of marriage is to secure long-term personal and relational happiness, have these couples somehow failed?

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In traditional marital vows from The Book of Common Prayer, couples commit “to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part.” The weight of those words can feel far from romantic: they do not guarantee an image of blissful happiness that is typically associated with modern weddings. Could it be that marriage is not necessarily meant to make us happy?

Duke University ethics professor Stanley Hauerwas suggests that pursuit of marriage for the fulfillment of personal happiness “fails to appreciate the fact that we always marry the wrong person.” Hauwas writes, “We never know whom we marry; we just think we do. Or even if we first marry the right person, just give it a while and he or she will change. For marriage, being [the enormous thing it is] means we are not the same person after we have entered it. The primary challenge of marriage is learning how to love and care for the stranger to whom you find yourself married.”

Marriage is not merely a means to finding personal happiness; rather, it is an opportunity to demonstrate love to another person (and the family and community associated with that person) even in the midst of unhappiness. Let’s return once again to the traditional marriage vows: Are couples truly willing to embrace their words that marriage means to have and to hold … for worse … for poorer … and in sickness … until death do us part?

Are couples truly willing to embrace their words that marriage means to have and to hold … for worse … for poorer … and in sickness … until death do us part?

Today’s norm in American culture, which may be exacerbated through online dating, is to seek attractive partners with shared interests. It is reasonable to believe that engaging in a romantic relationship with someone who has these qualities will likely result in feelings of happiness, at least for a period of time. However, when inevitable stress or feelings of hurt impact the relationship, will the perceived value of the marriage decrease? Those who ascribe to the belief that the purpose of marriage is to seek happiness place themselves at risk of resentment, anger, or disappointment when their perceived personal needs for happiness in the relationship are not being fulfilled.

If, instead, the intent of marriage is to learn how to love one another and one’s community through sharing life together, happiness may be a welcomed benefit—but not the established primary goal.

Are one’s feelings in marriage irrelevant? Not at all. Spouses must tend to their own emotions and share them with their partners in order to increase intimacy and address relational problems. If one is suffering in marriage (e.g., if one is experiencing abuse, neglect, or addiction), feelings of distress may also be an important indicator that further action is needed.

Happiness is also important in marriage because it is a powerful motivator; couples who feel happy in their relationship will likely have more energy to work through relational challenges, learn relational skills, and seek opportunities to extend care in their marriages, families, and communities.

Individuals who marry tend to be happier than those who do not (Yap, Anusic, and Lucas, 2012). And yet, perhaps the point of marriage isn’t just to be “happily in love,” but rather to learn how to love through the act of continuously committing and extending care to one’s spouse even when circumstances are challenging.

References:

1. Hauerwas, S. (1978, April 19). Sex and politics: Bertrand Russell and “human sexuality.” Christian Century, 417-2.
2. Love — you’re doing it wrong [Motion picture]. (2012). France: TED.
3. Yap, S. C. Y., Anusic, I., & Lucas, R. E. (2012). Does personality moderate reaction and adaptation to major life events? Evidence from the British Household Panel Survey. Journal of Research in Personality.

The Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI) is a personality type classification questionnaire based on Carl Jung’s theory of psychological types. For the past several decades, it has been the most frequently referenced resource on the subject of personality.

I have used a short-form version of the MBTI with most people I’ve worked with in the therapy room since 2000, including more than 500 couples. Many of those couples were seeking answers to a common question: “Are our personality types compatible?”

Before we delve into whether the MBTI is a predictor of compatibility, though, it is important to understand what it is designed to measure.

In the early 1900s, Jung, a Swiss psychiatrist, concluded that natural differences in psychological types exist. He believed these differences were present at birth, identifiable at an early age, and did not change much across time. Jung further believed that an individual’s type orientation is determined by the degree to which he or she is, naturally and normally:

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• More Extroverted or Introverted
• More Sensing (literal) or iNtuitive (possibilities oriented)
• More Thinking-oriented or Feeling-oriented when drawing conclusions and experiencing emotions
• More Judging (structured) or Perceiving (open-ended)

The MBTI was designed to help identify an individual’s natural response orientation on each of these four dichotomies. It also identifies characteristics and traits known to be common for each of the sixteen types that can be derived from different combinations of response orientations on these dichotomies.

The MBTI assigns a letter, highlighted in bold above, for the response orientation at opposite poles of each dichotomy. (N is used for iNtuition because I was used for Introversion.) A four-letter code is then used to identify each of the sixteen possible psychological (personality) types. For example, because I score toward the Introversion, iNtuition, Feeling, and Perceiving poles, the four-letter code that applies to my personality type is INFP.

The more pronounced your response process is toward one pole on a dichotomy, the more likely traits and characteristics associated with that pole will fit for you. However, many people find that some do not fit at all. For this reason, while the MBTI may provide insight into the nature of one’s personality, it cannot be described as unfailingly accurate.

The terms used for the dichotomy opposites on the MBTI have specific meanings that are sometimes misunderstood. For example, extroverts may view introverts as quiet, shy, withdrawn, possibly depressed or antisocial, withholding, self-centered, or uninvolved. Introverts may view extroverts as talkative, sociable, friendly, noisy, needy, intrusive, or either unable or unwilling to listen. Such assumptions are often inaccurate, of course.

Extroverts tend to be more energized when interacting with others, while introverts draw energy from more introspective, reflective processes. Each type has its strengths.

Let’s take a closer look at the other three dichotomies.

Sensing-oriented people naturally process information based on what is literally happening within the context of past experience, while intuition-oriented people naturally process information from a possible meanings plane—from consideration of alternative possibilities for what is literally happening.

Thinking-oriented people have feelings, and feeling-oriented folks can think. It’s just that thinking-oriented people naturally assess what is happening from a logical assessment of cause and effect, expressing their conclusions in an objective manner. Feeling-oriented people naturally add an additional consideration for how others might feel in making decisions and expressing them.

Individuals with a judging orientation naturally plan future events in advance, while perceiving-oriented people naturally respond more as events play out.

Implications for Relationships

The stronger an individual’s natural response orientation toward one pole of a dichotomy, the greater the likelihood he or she will have difficulty experientially comprehending the natural response process of someone who responds from that dichotomy’s opposite pole. This has particular relevance when addressing the issue of relationship compatibility.

Understanding the nature of personality differences, and acceptance of those differences, is key to lasting harmony.

Contemporary models for understanding individual differences in human behavior are built on an assumption of choice—a belief that human beings can alter their response patterns if they want to. Consequently, when a couple is dealing with a difference of opinion in an area where natural differences are at play, each may believe the other could understand his or her perspective if he or she really wanted to, when that may not be so. The assumption of choice in comprehension can lead to debilitating and perhaps relationship-threatening debates over who is right and who is wrong.

MBTI-based information has been instrumental in my work in helping couples and families resolve their differences. This experience has provided a solid base of empirical evidence to support Jung’s belief that differences are natural and normal and not subject to an option to alter. Understanding the nature of personality differences, and acceptance of those differences, is key to lasting harmony.

With regard to MBTI type orientations and their implications for relationships, I have observed the following:

• Most people I have worked with in therapy have found the general information on traits and characteristics associated with their own type, as well as for the types of significant others, to be accurate.
• This information has consistently facilitated greater self-understanding and self-acceptance, as well as understanding and acceptance of the nature of significant others.
• When the primary issue for a couple was a breakdown in communication, information and education on natural differences was much more helpful in brokering a mutually satisfactory resolution than any conflict resolution model I’ve been trained to use.
• While some pairings of personality types have proved more problematic than others and required more time to resolve, I have yet to work with a couple whose combination of types was inherently incompatible. The degree to which one partner accepted personality differences, however, did factor into outcomes.

In cases where couples were unable to resolve differences, at least one of the following factors has usually been present:

• One half of the couple had already mentally and emotionally disconnected from the relationship. His or her reasons for attending counseling varied, but relationship recovery was not one of them.
• The build-up of resentment was such that understanding the role that natural differences played was not sufficient to facilitate healing.
• The couple, without intention or awareness, repeated relationship-defeating dynamics carried over from before the relationship existed, patterns of responding that an understanding of natural differences was unable to alter.
• With some couples, one or the other partner was not able to comprehend and/or accommodate natural differences in his or her partner’s nature.
• Infidelity. For some couples, the occurrence was situational and nonrecurring, while for others it was chronic. Some in each category stayed together, while others did not.

A Note of Caution

While the characteristics and traits associated with individual differences in MBTI-based types tend to be accurate, the MBTI is broad in nature, addressing response dynamics known to be common among individuals with each type profile. A comprehensive understanding of oneself, separate from others, is far too complex to be captured by a measure with such a design.

Do you want to build a case about how your partner is wrong and defective or do you want to repair the relationship? So many people come to my office wanting to convince me how wrong and/or bad their partners are. They are so busy focused on their partners’ flaws that they don’t pause to look at themselves and what their part in the relationship might be.

A version of the Serenity Prayer that I like is:

God grant me the serenity to accept the people I can’t change,
The courage to change the one that I can,
And the wisdom to know that is me.

Emotional hurts or traumas experienced in early childhood—we’ve all been there to greater or lesser degrees—stay with us, but they can be overcome. Our opinions of ourselves and others are formed by these early experiences. These are what become familiar. Unconsciously, we are seeking the comfort of the familiar even though it may not be good for us. Often we deny and overlook these early experiences, as we don’t want to remember the hurt and bad feelings.

Unconsciously, we attract partners who feel familiar, and often they are more similar to our most unresolved relationship from childhood. Most of us aren’t consciously aware that this is what is happening.

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So how does all this happen?

I maintain that the best individual therapy happens in the context of couples therapy, where each partner holds up a mirror of sorts for the other, giving each partner the opportunity to see themselves more clearly. When we don’t like what we see, it becomes easier to blame our partners and point out that they are flawed. Bringing up these old feelings and looking at ourselves takes courage.

Rather than saying, “You did this or that wrong and therefore you are (insert negative label here),” we can focus on ourselves and what is going on within us.

It is helpful to say:

1. “When (whatever the situation that has caused upset) happens, I feel _______.” Ask yourself what your primary emotion is. Sometimes we think we are angry, but we may actually feel hurt, with anger as a secondary emotion. Try to identify your primary emotion. If someone scared me, I could get angry that they did this, but fear would be the primary emotion.
2. “What this reminds me of from childhood is _______.” Now you start to become aware of your childhood wounds and disappointments. As the old saying goes, if you can feel it, you can heal it. Don’t take too much time to figure this out; just notice the first thing that pops up—it’s usually the correct response.
3. “What I tend to do when I feel this way is _______.” Your response is likely to be what you did when you were a child to protect and defend yourself. It worked for you then, and you think it will work for you now, but it might not.
4. “I react this way to hide my fear of _______.” This is when you are likely to feel vulnerable, but it is the vulnerability that leads to intimacy. We all have fears, and we need to identify them so we can work to alleviate them at a conscious level. When we don’t, we tend to act them out defensively in an unconscious way. Once they are identified and labeled, we are better able to make conscious choices as to how we respond.
5. “What I want and need is _______.” What was it that you wanted and needed in childhood that you didn’t get? It is likely the same as or similar to what you want from your partner, but you might not even be conscious of wanting this from him or her.
6. And finally, to your partner: “Would you please _______?” Our emotional brain heals through experience. When we experience receiving what we truly need, we begin to heal. Hopefully, you have a partner who will do this for you, just as you would be willing to do it for him or her.

Emotional intimacy involves two people entering into a conscious relationship with an agreement to support each other in healing their childhood wounds. When we do this, we evolve into mature individuals and have healthier relationships. We are then able to blossom into expressing the fullness of who we are as individuals. A relationship at this level is an example of an interdependent relationship. The more the old issues resolve, the more enjoyable a relationship will become.

Many people believe that if you meet the right person and fall in love, you are meant to be with this person. That there won’t be anything you will ever want to change about them. That it should just work out.

There may be couples who do not struggle, but marriage counselors recognize that most relationships face challenges. If only it were easy, we would not have so many divorces or so many conflicts driving couples to counseling. Most people would agree that marriages and long-term relationships are hard work. There are many who resign themselves to sticking it out, thinking they can learn to live with, accept, and endure whatever arises, even though they may be miserable. That is not what most of us want. If we understood that there are stages to relationships and things we can do to make them better, more might work harder to make them last.

This article presents one clinical framework for understanding relationship development, drawing on Imago relationship therapy and longitudinal research, but other models exist, and couples may experience relationships differently.

Stage 1: Romantic Love

The theory of Imago relationship therapy explains that we tend to attract and be attracted to people who feel familiar. Romance happens unconsciously. At the time, we may not be consciously aware of how a person is like our childhood caretakers. We just experience the attraction and feel the chemistry. We discover all the things we have in common and minimize, if we even notice, the differences we have. We can’t take our hands off each other. We finish each other’s sentences. We merge with each other. It all seems amazing. We feel that this is the one person who will meet the unmet needs of childhood, but we are not consciously aware of feeling this. This stage is also referred to as the unconscious partnership.

Powerful neurochemicals fuel this early stage, with oxytocin playing a central role. Recent research shows that oxytocin levels are significantly higher in new lovers compared to singles, suggesting increased activity of the oxytocinergic system during the early stages of romantic attachment. These neurochemicals produce feelings of attachment and connection, a sense of well-being and belonging, with oxytocin particularly active during intimacy and caregiving moments. This phase can last anywhere from three months to two years, though recent research on college students shows this initial “flirtationship” stage involves the first sparks of attraction and exploration of common interests.

The purpose of this stage is to form a bond that provides a secure foundation for the journey forward.

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Stage 2: Power Struggle

At the beginning of a relationship, we generally do not see the things that will annoy us as the relationship progresses into the second stage. In the second stage, you start noticing each other’s differences. He likes to spend all Sunday afternoon in the fall watching football; you don’t. You have emotional needs; your partner has different wants and needs. You like to cuddle; your partner doesn’t want physical closeness.

You may find you feel frustrated in a similar way to your disappointments in childhood. Some of us are wounded and abused to the point of trauma, whereas others have minor hurts and disappointments.

In this stage, you may try to deny these differences in order to preserve the bliss of the first stage, or you may begin squabbling, trying to get back to the oneness that you previously experienced. The relationship may feel like a lose-win or win-lose. It may be experienced as competitive as to who is going to get his or her way.

Research shows that markers of the power struggle phase often include disillusionment, conflict, mutual blame, tension, anxiety, and doubt, with emotions running high and unresolved issues feeling overwhelming. Recent studies demonstrate that power struggles can be reduced through interventions that facilitate psychological distancing from reactive self-focus and redirect attention toward understanding the partner’s emotions, needs, and motivations, which interrupts the defensive cycles that fuel power dynamics.

Many couples can navigate disagreements with empathy and understanding, but if conflicts involve ongoing contempt, abuse, or safety concerns, seeking support from a qualified mental health professional can help keep everyone safe and supported.

When couples reach a power struggle stage, they often say it doesn’t feel like love. But if we care about a partner and the relationship, we become aware that love is more than a feeling—it is a behavior, a commitment to stay with your partner and do the work. As long as both are committed to the relationship and doing the work, a relationship can grow.

Most couples who go to marriage counseling have entered this stage. Research indicates there are five phases in romantic relationships—honeymoon, power struggle, stability, commitment, and co-creation—with the power struggle phase commonly showing up somewhere between two months and two years into a relationship. They feel stuck and don’t know what to do. There are also many who, at this stage, give up and separate or divorce.

The purpose of this stage is to learn the skills and tools to resolve differences without losing yourself. Once couples have worked through the power struggles and practiced healthy communication, they’re ready to enjoy the deeper closeness and stability of mature love.

Stage 3: Mature Love

Assuming that both parties are committed to growth and value the relationship, this stage reflects long-term, conscious love built on growth and mutual understanding. We are now aware that, together, we can heal our childhood wounds. We have learned the skills and tools of dialogue so that we can listen and hear each other. We understand that we have differences and how those differences make sense. We have compassion for our partner. We are less reactive and more intentional. We communicate our wants and needs more clearly. We allow ourselves to be influenced by our partner without losing ourselves because we care about his or her happiness. We recognize that to have a healthy, happy relationship, we both need to experience a sense of well-being. It becomes a win-win.

Research on mature love shows it thrives on transparency, with partners feeling safe sharing their innermost thoughts, fears, and desires, knowing they will be heard and respected. This level of communication builds a foundation of trust and deepens the connection between partners. Recent findings indicate that enduring connection in marriage results more from the intentional efforts of spouses than from spontaneous love and emotional spark, with high-connection marriages showing three times higher scores on proactive behaviors like spending meaningful time together, doing acts of kindness, and forgiving offenses.

Long-term research with couples married 40+ years identifies primary coping mechanisms that strengthen relationships: effective communication, drawing closer together, persevering together, prioritizing the relationship, and mutual sacrifice. Studies show 83% of successful coping mechanisms involve “together coping” that strengthens the attachment bond.

The purpose of this stage is to enjoy each other and feel the intimacy of connection with someone who gets you. We do this by using the skills and tools learned in the second stage when challenges arise.

References:

1. Bühler, J. L., & Orth, U. (2025). Terminal decline of satisfaction in romantic relationships: Evidence from four longitudinal studies. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. Advance online publication. https://dx.doi.org/10.1037/pspp0000551
2. Dupuis, H. E., Girme, Y. U., Overall, N. C., Cross, E. J., & Sibley, C. G. (2025). Changes in well-being and relationship satisfaction in the years before and after marriage in a sample of New Zealand adults. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 42(2), 315-199. https://doi.org/10.1177/02654075251315199
3. Galovan, A. M., Carroll, J. S., & Schramm, D. G. (2024). Flourishing marriages are made, not found. Institute for Family Studies. https://ifstudies.org/blog/number-5-in-2024-flourishing-marriages-are-made-not-found
4. Grob, A., Weidmann, R., Wünsche, J., Burriss, R. P., Bühler, J. L., Traut, A. C., Uhlich, M., Arnold, K., & Gander, F. (2025). Personality change in the light of relationship transitions in partnered and single individuals: Study protocol of a prospective measurement burst design. Swiss Psychology Open, 5(1), 1-15. https://doi.org/10.5334/spo.90
5. Hoan, E., & MacDonald, G. (2025). Personality and well-being across and within relationship status. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 128(3), 430-450. https://doi.org/10.1177/01461672231225571
6. Muñoz, N., Abalorio, B., & Yang, Y. (2025). The role of perspective-taking training on reducing power struggles and increasing relational empathy. Research and Practice in Couple Therapy, 3(1), 1-11.
7. Ogolsky, B. G., Dobson, K., Rivas-Koehl, M., Kawas, G., & Hardesty, J. L. (2025). The progression of college student romantic relationship development: Stability and change over 10 years. Personal Relationships, 32(1). https://doi.org/10.1111/pere.12590
8. Schneiderman, I., Zagoory-Sharon, O., Leckman, J. F., & Feldman, R. (2012). Oxytocin during the initial stages of romantic attachment: Relations to couples’ interactive reciprocity. Psychoneuroendocrinology, 37(8), 1277-1285. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.psyneuen.2011.12.021
9. Snowdon-Farrell, A., Attal, C., Nikkheslat, N., Pariante, C., Young, A. H., & Zahn, R. (2025). How does neurochemistry affect attachment styles in humans? The role of oxytocin and the endogenous opioid system in sociotropy and autonomy – A systematic review. Neuroscience & Biobehavioral Reviews, 169, 105994. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.neubiorev.2024.105994

In the Showtime series Web Therapy, Lisa Kudrow plays a narcissistic therapist who administers questionable therapy over the Internet. Life often imitates art, and web-based therapy is no exception, though the therapists engaged in web therapy—also known as distance therapy—are nothing like Kudrow’s character. They’re qualified professionals who want to help people.

Several large and well-respected websites now offer web-based therapy or provide advertisements for therapists who do. The advent of online therapy raises important ethical issues that online therapists may not be fully ready to address.

Skype Therapy: Risks and Benefits

At first glance, online therapy might seem like little more than another way technology makes life easier and more convenient. After all, a therapist who doesn’t have to maintain a brick-and-mortar office can probably afford to charge less. People concerned about being seen going into and out of a therapist’s office may feel more comfortable with web-based therapy, and the easy accessibility of the service means that people can choose from therapists across the country rather than being limited to a specific geographic location.

The problem is that the technology has not caught up to the ethical and legal demands of therapy. Skype and similar technologies may retain records of conversations and calls, but therapists have little control over what happens to this information. The Health Insurance Portability and Accountability Act, better known as HIPAA, mandates that mental health professionals protect client privacy and data, but even the best therapists can’t guarantee that their Skype conversations are private or safe.

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The American Psychological Association weighed in on this issue in an April 2014 practice update. The APA explained that “liability for failure to comply with HIPAA is now shared equally by covered entities and business associates—third parties that provide services to covered entities and may have access to [protected health information]. So it is critical for practitioners to have business associate agreements in place. Yet Skype does not offer business associate agreements for health care professionals who want to use it for telehealth purposes.”

The ongoing controversy about government use of Internet records compounds the concern. The National Security Agency (NSA) may review Skype metadata, and some privacy advocates have expressed concern that government entities have access to everything a user does on the Internet—even web therapy.

At a time when it can be more challenging than ever to protect client privacy, ethical norms are placing an increasing premium on such privacy. The American Counseling Association’s 2014 Code of Ethics requires therapists to protect the privacy of both current and prospective clients. This means an email asking about therapy or a brief online conversation with a prospective client are now forms of health care data that professional ethics mandate must be protected.

Virtual therapy such as Skype poses some other, more tangential concerns as well. For example, it can be harder for a therapist to read body language over a video call, and the environment in which people seeking therapy conduct video chats could be anything but relaxing. Such challenges could reduce the effectiveness of therapy, particularly among therapists who don’t actively work to prevent these problems.

What Could Possibly Go Wrong?

We live in a world where video cameras can be seen on every corner and employers regularly snoop through employees’ email, so privacy can feel like an increasingly remote concept. But confidentiality is a cornerstone of ethical and effective therapy. Marlene Maheu, PhD, an expert in online therapy, has repeatedly argued that Skype can pose serious challenges to professional ethics. “Ultimately, my strong suggestion is that providers proceed with great caution when using Skype or similar non-HIPAA-compliant platforms,” Maheu told GoodTherapy.org.

Consider the following ways Skype therapy can compromise a client’s well-being:

• When the records of a Skype call remain on a person’s computer, it’s easy for the person’s spouse, children, or even employer to see he or she is going to therapy—and perhaps even see the contents of Skype chats.
• Skype does not offer a privacy policy that is compliant with HIPAA, which means no one really knows what Skype does or does not do with user data. A user’s therapeutic chats could conceivably be sold as marketing data to third parties.
• If the NSA or other government branches store Skype metadata, then people who utilize Skype therapy may be revealing that they talk to a therapist even if they don’t want to make such a revelation.
• It’s a very real risk that Skype chats can be hacked and intercepted. If a user feels safe with his or her therapist, he/she may reveal highly personal information that can then be used against him by a person with malicious intent.

Balancing Privacy and Convenience

The challenges posed by Skype don’t mean that mental health professionals have to give up on web-based therapy altogether. Maheu argues that there are other options. “The beauty of Skype is that it is easy and free,” she said. “The truth is that several HIPAA-compliant platforms are also free and/or low cost, as well as easy to use.” Maheu maintains a list of HIPAA-compliant platforms on her website.

People who want to give online therapy a shot should ask their therapists the following questions:

• What specific steps do you take to protect my privacy?
• Is the platform you use HIPAA compliant? Would you consider switching to a HIPAA-compliant platform?
• Are my conversations with you saved in any way? If so, how do you secure the files?
• Are our sessions encrypted?

There’s no denying the convenience offered by Skype, but the consequences of poor privacy standards can vastly outweigh the convenience of distance therapy. Both therapists and people seeking therapy should proceed with caution before sharing personal information via Skype.

References:

1. Huggins, R., LPC, NCC. (2014, April 2). Initial client contact by email & the 2014 ACA Code of Ethics. Retrieved from http://www.personcenteredtech.com/2014/04/initial-client-contact-by-email-the-2014-aca-code-of-ethics-vs-hipaa-1st-in-a-series/
2. Maheu, M. M., and McMenamin, J. (2013, March 28). Telepsychiatry: The perils of using Skype. Retrieved from http://www.psychiatrictimes.com/blog/telepsychiatry-perils-using-skype
3. Practitioner pointer: Does the use of Skype raise HIPAA compliance issues? (2014, April 24). Retrieved from http://www.apapracticecentral.org/update/2014/04-24/skype-hipaa.aspx
4. Zur, O. (2014). Utilizing Skype and VSee to provide TeleMentalHealth, E-Counseling, or E-therapy. Retrieved from http://www.zurinstitute.com/skype_telehealth.html#debate

Before I jump straight to the heart of your question—to divorce or to not divorce—I’d like to take a moment and encourage you to consider some intermediate steps.

What I hear you saying is that while you love your husband, have a generally positive relationship, and are companionable, you feel as if there is something missing from your relationship, something you do not want to do without for the rest of your life. I wonder if he feels the same way.

What might it be like to open a dialogue that celebrates the time that you’ve had together and opens up a discussion about what you each want for your remaining years? If you haven’t let your husband know that you aren’t satisfied with the status quo, you have not given him, nor you, an opportunity to see if your relationship can change. That seems unfair, and it does not honor the relationship you have shared these many years. It may be that he also feels unsatisfied and doesn’t know what to do about it. You can’t know unless you begin communicating with each other.

There are couples who work together to reignite the “spark” that has faded. There are some who stay married, yet change the expectations of their relationship so each can get their needs met. There are others who decide that separation or divorce is the best option for them. Figuring out which path is for you should be, at the very least, a conversation rather than a unilateral decision.

These conversations can be challenging, often because we are afraid to hurt those we care about. Imagine, however, the depth of hurt when one is blindsided by a request for a divorce with no indication that one’s partner is unhappy. You both deserve better than that—as does your relationship.

I encourage you to get the support you feel you need in broaching these topics with your husband. He might be hurt to learn that you are not satisfied with your relationship, but he also may be relieved to finally be talking about it. If you are hesitant to open up a dialogue on your own, you can work with a couples counselor to explore these issues. Divorce is a big step to take, with logistical, emotional, and financial ramifications, but if the two of you are open with each other, explore options together, and ultimately come to that decision together, the chances of retaining the positive spirit of your relationship are significantly greater.

Best of luck!
Erika

At least once a week, we get a call from someone who says, “I know our relationship needs work, but my partner won’t go to therapy with me. What can I do?”

More often than not, when one partner (not always the guy) suggests going to couples therapy, the other partner hears an alarm. Danger! Danger! A tsunami of anxiety floods the mind. Fear abounds. Automatic thoughts start racing: “I’m not talking about our relationship with a stranger. How are they going to fix our problems? What could they possibly say that would make a difference? If you would just (fill in the blank), our relationship would be fine. Who is this therapist? What are they going to think of me? Will they like me? What if they tell me I’m wrong? We can fix this ourselves.”

In response to this resistance, the first partner either escalates the conversation, resulting in an argument, or stops talking and walks away feeling frustrated and hopeless.

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So how can you convince your partner to go to therapy with you? Here are five suggestions:

1. Address the objection or fear. Beneath the surface of defensiveness is fear. If it’s not obvious, you might ask your partner, “What concerns you about us going to therapy?” Once you identify that fear, you can address it. A sample conversation:

Him: “I don’t want someone telling me what to do. We can fix this ourselves.”

Her: “I wish we could, but we have been trying to do that with no success. An objective point of view would be helpful.”

Him: “How is a stranger going to fix our problems?”

Her: “I read about the therapist on her website, and she works with other couples just like us. Let me send you the link.”

Him: “If you would just (fill in the blank), our problems would be solved.”

Her: “I know I have a big part in resolving our differences, but it takes two people to have a conflict and two people to solve it. It’s important for each of us to look at our part and how we can improve our partnership.”

2. Describe the benefit to your partner. Think from your partner’s perspective. What would he or she get out of going to therapy? For example: “If you went, it would make me very happy; it would show me you are making an effort; it would make me feel like we’re truly partners; it would help us understand each other better; we would learn some new skills/techniques that would decrease our arguing so we would feel closer and be able to have more fun; if we felt intimate more of the time, I would feel like having sex more.”

3. Pique his or her interest. Find an article, podcast, or YouTube video and ask your partner to read, watch, or listen. You can use this as a conversation starter. Ask your partner what he or she thought about it or what part he or she related to. Then share your thoughts. Make your partner the expert on the topic and ask if he or she thinks most men/women feel that way.

4. Use a “coaching” model. Often, people think couples therapy is only for people who are deeply troubled. Describe going to the sessions as “relationship coaching,” putting the focus on learning skills and techniques, not changing him/her or his/her personality. Many men in particular often can relate to a coaching metaphor, as sports teams need a good coach to be their best.

5. Ask your partner to go just once and try it. Assure your partner that it is fine if he or she doesn’t want to go back after the first visit. He or she may resist less if it’s understood that he/she doesn’t have to commit to the therapeutic process. After the first session, he or she may see the value and want to continue. Also, this moves the fear of the unknown out of the way.

You might want to use one or several of these ideas when you approach your partner. The bottom line is that one person can work on his or her part of relationship issues, but there is much more that can be accomplished when both partners avail themselves of the process.

For more information about helping a loved one who needs therapy, click here.