adult-adhd-0411137Picture someone with attention-deficit hyperactivity. Odds are good you’re envisioning a child who can’t sit still zooming around his or her classroom, struggling with grades, and driving parents crazy. But ADHD isn’t just for children. Some kids grow out of this diagnosis or develop coping skills, but others continue to struggle as adults—some of whom were never diagnosed as children.

Children have the benefit of existing under the watchful eye of adults who can advocate for their interests. Adults, however, may struggle for years before they realize that their procrastination, difficulty concentrating, and trouble completing tasks are the result of ADHD, not a personal failing.

What Is Adult ADHD?
Adult ADHD is the same issue that children experience, but it can manifest in different forms. Children may struggle with school or making friends, but life-altering consequences from the condition in childhood are rare. In adulthood, however, failing to turn in a presentation, skipping a semester of college, or being unable to listen to a spouse can end in catastrophe. Consequently, adults who have ADHD—particularly if they’re not getting appropriate treatment—may have more dramatic difficulties than children, and often get much less sympathy.

Recognizing Symptoms
Symptoms of adult ADHD may include:

Adult ADHD and Other Mental Health Conditions
Some people with adult ADHD initially seek help for a different condition, such as depression or anxiety. The frustration ADHD can cause frequently leads to other symptoms. An adult with the issue might have trouble in his or her relationships, struggle to keep a job, have a hard time managing finances, frequently lose his or her temper, or experience low self-esteem. If the symptoms are caused by ADHD, treating depression or anxiety sometimes won’t help, which can add to the frustration.

In other cases, ADHD can co-occur with other mental health issues, and people with ADHD are more likely to be depressed than those without. If you’re experiencing symptoms of two different conditions, it’s often helpful to treat the one that’s causing you the most discomfort first. If your inability to focus is making you depressed, focus on that. But if your procrastination is a small problem and constant feelings of sadness are leaving you hopeless, it may be better to treat depression first.

Getting Help
Medication—including stimulants such as Adderall and Ritalin—and therapy can help people with ADHD, but this doesn’t mean you’ll have to be in treatment for the rest of your life. Simple lifestyle remedies such as staying meticulously organized, planning ahead, meditating, and adopting strategies for focusing can make a big difference. Seek treatment providers who specialize in ADHD. They’re more likely to understand the effects these issues can have on adults, and can recommend successful coping strategies.

References:

  1. Adult ADD. (n.d.). Dr Hallowell RSS. Retrieved from http://www.drhallowell.com/add-adhd/adult-add/
  2. Adults with ADHD. (n.d.). CHADD. Retrieved from http://www.chadd.org/Understanding-ADHD/Adults-with-ADHD.aspx
  3. McGillivray, J., & Baker, K. (2008). Effects of Comorbid ADHD with Learning Disabilities on Anxiety, Depression, and Aggression in Adults. Journal of Attention Disorders,12(6), 525-531. doi: 10.1177/1087054708320438

Children are a product of their environments. Just as children who are brought up in loving, supportive, and caring environments are more likely to behavior that way as adults, children who are brought up in fear, anger, and hostility have a higher chance of experiencing similar environments in adulthood. But does this same theory apply to acoustic and physical chaos? Syeda Shamama-tus-Sabah of the National Institute of Psychology at Quaid-i-Aaam University in Pakistan wanted to explore this question. In a recent study, Shamama-tus-Sabah reviewed parent and teacher reports on 150 elementary school children. The children ranged in age from 8 to 11 years old and were all living with educated mothers. The children were assessed for depression and aggression to measure adjustment.

Shamama-tus-Sabah found a direct link between chaos and adjustment. “The results indicate that children from high chaotic families exhibit more aggression and depressive symptoms as compared to children from low chaotic families as reported by their parents and teachers,” said Shamama-tus-Sabah. This finding suggests that children who are not living in structure and routine may be more likely to struggle with behavior problems. This can lead to risk taking, including alcohol and drug use, tobacco initiation, and even sexually risky behavior. When Shamama-tus-Sabah looked at gender as a contributing factor, she found no difference in the chaos-adjustment relationship for girls and boys.

Some research has suggested that boys are more sensitive to chaotic environments, and therefore have higher levels of maladjustment than girls from similar environments. This research provided no support for that theory, but future research might explore that more in order to see if other types of maladjustment, aside from depression and aggression, manifest in boys more than girls. In western cultures, chaotic homes are not uncommon. However, in Pakistan, the increase in chaotic home lives, with more parents working and cities becoming overcrowded, could increase the risk for maladjustment in the youth population. In order to get a broader picture of the effects of chaos, future work should examine the gender aspect more thoroughly and should include parents of varying degrees of education and socioeconomic status.

Reference:
Shamama-tus-Sabah, Syeda, et al. (2013). Chaotic home conditions and children’s adjustment: Study of gender differences. Pakistan Journal of Psychological Research 27.2 (2012): 297-313. ProQuest. Web.

AdobeStock 436758539According to sociobiology, genetic preservation is at the core of human behavior. Because it is inherent in our genetic structure to ensure survival, individuals are predisposed to take measures to guarantee their genetic survival. In other words, they favor strategies and methods that will increase the likelihood of their family lineage being carried on. This is done through positive and negative methods. Positively, people have children so that their genetic tree can be extended to further generations. Negative methods of preserving genetic lineage also exist and include violence and aggression toward people who are not blood relatives. Based on these theories, it could be assumed that stepchildren are more likely to be abused by parents than biological children. In fact, some research has provided evidence of a 5-fold increase in risk of child abuse for step-children compared to biological children.

There is abundant evidence that children living in stepfamilies are more likely to experience sexual abuse. And children living with unmarried parents are also at risk for abuses including physical, sexual and emotional abuse. However, it has not been clearly established if stepchildren are injured as a result of their abuse more often than biological children. To get a better look at abuse rates among biological and stepchildren, Stewart J. D’Alessio of the Deaprtment of Criminal Justice at Florida International University recently examined data from more than 130 cities that was used as part of a larger study on abuse incident reporting. He looked at the biological status of the children, as well as the socioeconomic condition of their environment, as it has been suggested that disadvantaged communities have higher levels of stepchildren abuse.

D’Alessio found that children living in disadvantaged communities were more likely to experience abuse than those in socioeconomically advanced environments. He also found that the age of the perpetrator was influential of abuse. Younger parents were more likely to abuse children than older parents. However, there was no evidence suggesting that stepchildren were at increased risk for injury. “Contrary to expectations,” said D’Alessio, “Our results showed that the effect of a child’s genetic status on the likelihood of physical injury was in the opposite direction as predicted by sociobiology.” In fact, the stepchildren were less likely to be physically injured than the biological children. D’Alessio notes that these findings raise more questions for future research, and that that exploration should consider that many incidents of abuse are never reported. Methods to ascertain more reliable and valid abuse rates should be investigated in future work in this area.

Reference:
D’Alessio, Stewart J., PhD, and Lisa Stolzenberg. (2012). Stepchildren, community disadvantage, and physical injury in a child abuse incident: A preliminary investigation. Violence and Victims 27.6 (2012): 860-70. ProQuest. Web.

person being stalked in parking garageBeing stalked can be paralyzingly frightening. Victims aren’t traumatized just once; they’re perpetually unsettled by attempts at contact and often begin to feel like there’s no safe place to go.

The Bureau of Justice Statistics reports that about three million people are stalked every year, most by people they know—often a former intimate partner. As many as 10% of stalking victims fear for their lives, and all victims face massive disruptions to their routines. While stalking, like domestic violence, has been around for generations, it has been only in recent years that the issue has been taken seriously, and many victims may be hesitant to seek help.

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What Is Stalking?

At its core, stalking consists of repeated attempts to gain control over or terrorize someone. Stalking exists on a continuum. On the lower end, it might involve repeated phone calls, letters, or email contacts. In its more extreme manifestations, however, stalking might involve repeatedly going to a person’s house, making threats against a person, harming pets, stealing possessions, or interfering with a person’s relationships with friends, family, or coworkers. Stalkers may alternate between patterns of domestic violence and stalking.

Each state establishes its own legal criteria for stalking. Laws generally require multiple unwanted contacts and mandate that a victim fear for his or her safety. A coworker who comes back to see a person at his or her office daily, for example, would not be stalking, and a secret admirer who sends flowers once per week is not necessarily a stalker. Repeated contacts rise to the level of stalking when they’re designed to gain power over a person and cause emotional terror.

Why Do People Stalk?

Stalkers often emphasize that they “love” their victims and occasionally say they stalk to keep others safe. For example, an abusive ex-husband might say he stalks his ex-wife to ensure she’s properly caring for their children. Psychologically, however, stalking is a crime of control. Stalkers see their victims as possessions who are rightfully theirs, and stalking behavior is frequently activated by a breakup or an ex-partner’s new relationship.

Some mental health issues can lead to stalking. People with personality issues such as a borderline personality diagnosis may have trouble letting go of relationships and sometimes use manipulative tactics to control people. Erotomania is a delusion in which a person believes that another person—often a celebrity—is in love with him or her, and this can lead to stalking. However, not all stalkers have mental health conditions, and the overwhelming majority are men. Cultural and gender norms may contribute to stalking behavior.

What Can Victims Do to Get Help?

If you’re being stalked, don’t make excuses for the stalker or tell yourself you are overreacting. Tell a friend or family member what’s happening so you have a support person and a witness. If you are in immediate danger or are being followed, dial 911. There’s no price for overreacting, but underreacting to stalking can, in extreme cases, be fatal. Other things you can do to remain safe:

References:

  1. Help for victims. (n.d.). Stalking Resource Center. Retrieved from http://www.victimsofcrime.org/our-programs/stalking-resource-center/help-for-victims
  2. King, M. W., & Sivak, A. (n.d.). Stalking: New studies shed light on a crime that terrorizes its victims. National Crime Prevention Council. Retrieved from http://www.ncpc.org/programs/catalyst-newsletter/catalyst-newsletter-2009/volume-30-number-11/stalking-a-new-study-sheds-light-on-a-crime-that-repeatedly-terrorizes-its-victims
  3. Stalking. (n.d.). National Institute of Justice. Retrieved from http://www.nij.gov/topics/crime/stalking/
  4. Stalking. (n.d.). USDOJ: Office on Violence Against Women: Crimes of Focus: Stalking. Retrieved from http://www.ovw.usdoj.gov/aboutstalking.htm

Bag full of cashVisions of winning the lottery are enough to turn just about anyone into a dreamer who fantasizes about helping family members, starting charities, and—of course—buying a few nice cars and homes. But a 2006 study published in the Journal of Health Economics found that while lottery winners experience extreme happiness after winning, their happiness levels return to pre-lottery levels not long after.

For some lottery winners, winning the jackpot leads to utter misery. Bankruptcies, divorce, family troubles, and mental health issues including suicidal ideation sometimes come along with winning the lottery; many winners have met disastrous or tragic ends. How can a dream come true turn so rapidly into a nightmare?

Massive Change
Statistically speaking, happy life events such as the birth of a baby, a new marriage, or buying a house are among the most stressful experiences a person can have. Lifestyle changes require rapid adjustments, personality alterations, and negotiation of new boundaries and relationships with loved ones.

The lottery is no different. Going from rags to riches overnight can be overwhelming. Not only must a lottery winner plan for what to do with the money, he or she must negotiate changed relationships with friends and family, the challenges of a new lifestyle, and the potential boredom that comes with no longer working. People are vulnerable to depression and anxiety during major life changes, and the lottery may ignite a cascade of negative psychological and interpersonal events.

Poor Preparation
Low-income people are more likely to play the lottery than other groups; some analysts have even argued that the lottery functions as a “tax on the poor.” People who are unaccustomed to balancing complex budgets may be ill-prepared for the financial demands that come with winning the lottery. A $100 million jackpot might sound like a lot, but when it’s split between 20 relatives, a dozen charities, 10 new cars, and five houses, it’s not what it’s cracked up to be. Predatory financial planners may also prey on lottery winners, taking large commissions in exchange for poor or nonexistent advice.

Unceasing Demands
The moment a lottery winner wins, the phone starts ringing. Charities, friends, family members, and political causes all want a piece of the action. The price of saying no can be costly, particularly among family members who don’t understand why deep-pocketed lottery winners can’t finance their dreams—or at least their basics. Relationships may be left permanently broken, and the constant demands from strangers and loved ones can be crushing.

Little Credibility
Unlike people who build businesses or even inherit their money from successful parents, lottery winners might not be readily welcomed into the club of the super rich, and they may be derided as simply lucky. A lottery winner who dreams of building a charity or a new business might be questioned about his or her competence. Jealousy over winnings can cause people to say hurtful, mean-spirited things, and a lottery winner might spend the rest of his or her life hearing that the good fortune is not deserved. Pressure in the form of stress, anxiety, guilt, and self-image issues can add up.

References:

  1. Adams, S. (2012, November 28). Why winning Powerball won’t make you happy. Forbes. Retrieved from http://www.forbes.com/sites/susanadams/2012/11/28/why-winning-powerball-wont-make-you-happy/
  2. Doll, J. (2012, March 30). A treasury of terribly sad stories of lottery winners. The Atlantic Wire. Retrieved from http://www.theatlanticwire.com/national/2012/03/terribly-sad-true-stories-lotto-winners/50555/
  3. Spector, D., Lubin, G., & Kelley, M. (n.d.). 18 signs that the lottery is preying on America’s poor. Business Insider. Retrieved from http://www.businessinsider.com/lottery-is-a-tax-on-the-poor-2012-4?op=1

Woman with umbrella in the rain“The greatest hazard of all, losing one’s self, can occur very quietly in the world, as if it were nothing at all. No other loss can occur so quietly; any other loss—an arm, a leg, five dollars, a wife, etc.—is sure to be noticed.” ―Søren Kierkegaard

So often, people come to therapy seeking to “find themselves,” typically after a tragedy has occurred or some major shift has taken place in life and they realize they have somehow “lost” themselves along the way. But there is another way of losing oneself that is more insidious, more subtle, and can be even more damaging. This is what I call self-erosion.

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Self-erosion occurs over a period of time and happens so quietly that the person doesn’t even realize it’s happening. Self-erosion happens when we are so busy doing other things—such as working, going to school, raising kids, and being in incompatible relationships—that we slowly lose touch with who we are. Our lives become so much about what we do, how we contribute, and what we offer the world that we lose touch with who we are. The tragedy of the self-erosion experience is that when we finally come face to face with the reality that we have no idea who we are anymore, we have no idea where to start.

You might be experiencing self-erosion if you have noticed any of the following:

If you are experiencing any of these, it is likely that you have lost touch with yourself. You may be very content with your life in many ways, but in some ways you find yourself longing for more. Whatever that “more” consists of is very personal and different for everyone, but the important thing is that you get back in touch with it.

Start with allowing yourself to do something you’ve always liked but don’t do often, whether that is taking a long, luxurious bath or going for a walk. It may be hiding away in a coffee shop and reading a book you have wanted to read but haven’t made time for. Maybe it will be going to Baskin-Robbins and trying every flavor until you find just the right one for you. Spend some time reflecting on all the things you used to do and greatly enjoyed, even when you were a child. You may find some keys to things that bring back the spark to your eyes, the joy to your living, and the passion in your existence.

The path to finding yourself does not have to begin at the crossroads of crisis; you can decide to own your life anytime you choose. I hope you choose today—this moment—to begin.

Sun shining through cloudsDisclaimer: If you are strongly opposed to the killing of animals for the purpose of food or may be turned off to discussion about spiritual or religious traditions that include offering animals to the spirits/divinities, read no further. This article is sure to enrage you at worst and irritate you at best.

Now let’s get down to business. As a starting point, I’ll present a quote from William Kent Krueger’s latest book in a series about a law enforcement officer in a town in the Minnesota wilds named Corcoran (Cork) who’s part Native American. He has a close connection with a local shaman named Sam who taught him to “hunt in the old way”:

“The next fall, he and Sam hunted white-tail deer. It was challenging in a way that rifle hunting with his father had never been. To kill a deer required that he be almost close enough to hear it breathing. It was a shockingly intimate experience, and after he’d brought down his first buck, he understood why it was necessary for his own spirit that he sing to the spirit of the animal he’d killed, that he explain the violence and promise the beautiful creature that his body would feed The People and they would be grateful.” —Trickster’s Point (p. 60, Atria Books, New York, 2012)

Most people who eat meat of any sort or fish rarely think about the animal or creature it once was. They may say a prayer at mealtime, but that’s usually about giving thanks for the food.

Part of the Native American tradition includes offering animals to the spirits. It is also part of the Yoruba tradition; deities are “fed” on a regular basis. It does not always involve a blood sacrifice, but sometimes it does. The premise is that what Orisa and Egun want, they get.

I can identify with Cork’s awareness of the true meaning of the killing. I wasn’t always so closely connected to similar sacrifices in my own Yoruba faith, though I never had a problem with it. For me, it was always about doing what I was expected to do.

That changed for me when my 5-month-old Irish setter puppy was hit by a speeding van up the road from my house. In truth, he saved my life (and in that way, he was an offering). He was still alive, and the men who hit him were responsible enough to drive me to the vet in town. Holding him in my arms on the way there, connecting to a spirit that was in so much pain, and knowing it very easily could have been me who was being rushed to medical care touched me in a way that still brings tears to my eyes. In those moments, he and I were one. He didn’t survive, and I grieved the loss of him long afterward.

Since that time, whenever I am called upon to offer a live creature to Orisa or the ancestors, part of the process is to make sure I am fully present and to thank the animal for offering his life on my behalf. In this way, I am always deeply moved by the sacrificial act—and grateful.

In this season of Easter, it may help to think of the crucifixion of Jesus as a human offering (which was more common in those days). Perhaps Jesus’ death was required in the same way other religions make their offerings. We can be grateful to him even if we are not Catholic (or Christian) because when one sentient being is offered, us who survive are the beneficiaries of that sacrifice.

person in green silk robe with eyes closedMost people get a massage in order to relax, perhaps a pleasurable way to unwind after a long work week. Others go to address some physical discomfort or injury. Maybe your lower back aches from sitting too much in front of a computer. Massage can be a sumptuous delight that treats your body’s aches and pains.

But it can also be an effective choice of treatment for a number of psychological issues: depression, attention-deficit hyperactivity, and posttraumatic stress, to name a few. After a massage, we may find our spirits have been lifted, or that we’ve broadened our everyday perspectives. The opportunity is one for self-awareness.

The benefit of massage on mental health is not a surprise if we think about the connection between the mind and body. The body is a miraculous manifestation that gives us direct access to unknown parts of ourselves. The body revealed by posture, muscle contraction, and flexibility demonstrates the sort of armor we use to protect ourselves in a sometimes difficult world. For instance, an individual with depression might tense up or constrict the stomach or back in order to be less vulnerable to particular emotions.

[fat_widget_right]The massage therapist is as much a student of the mind as they are of the body. The massage therapist bears witness to our mounting stresses and vulnerabilities, and helps unblock the passageways that allow us to fully breathe in life. They soothe feelings of angst that cause depression, and prevent us from connecting to our bodies and experiencing joy.

An observant massage therapist need only consult a client’s muscles to gain an understanding of their psychology. For instance, some individuals’ muscles may come across as more or less penetrable. A hardened collection of back muscles can serve as a force field, making it difficult to reach deeper layers of musculature. Such a force field is simultaneously physical and psychological. Psychologically, it may represent a general distrust or impermeability to others. Granted, such armor can be invaluable in adapting to threatening situations.

If the client is unaware of this “body armor,” the therapist has an opportunity to bring it to the their attention. With such awareness, the individual may choose to slowly “disarm” if they are carrying “unnecessary armor.” While massaging, the therapist may ask the client to “breathe into it,” which encourages the development of a deeper trust. Every point of contact on the body is an opportunity for self-awareness. Psychological healing occurs when we sink into the reality of our bodies.

Technological advances in communication can paradoxically leave many feeling more isolated and alone. When that happens, our life forces may dwindle. We communicate with greater numbers of people, especially online, but it may be less direct contact and interaction. The mind and body become estranged from physical and emotional stimulation. You may then experience feelings of dissociation, depression, or detachment. What is needed is a return to a nurturing touch, both physically and emotionally.

Depression can be seen as an estrangement from a caring world. The sense of being “held” in a massage awakens a feeling of being cared about, as the therapist’s focus is a kind of concentrated care for the client. Massage offers an opportunity for learning a different way of being. Your body may begin to realize that you don’t have to tense up so much when work gets stressful. If depression is the expectation that you will not receive the connection and nurture that you need, a massage can rattle the rigid sense of isolation. Rigidity then dissolves. It liquefies into the stream of life.

Intimate partner violence (IPV) occurs in a large percentage of young adult relationships. Several factors increase the likelihood of IPV, including low socioeconomic status, living in urban communities, drug and alcohol use, witnessing or experiencing familial or domestic violence, and younger age. It has also been theorized that many relationships that experience IPV also have a component of reciprocity. In other words, many victims of IPV may also perpetrate violence against their partners. And although it has been shown that more women are victims of IPV resulting in physical injury than men, it is unclear whether or not women perpetrate a large portion of retaliatory or reciprocal aggression in violent relationships.

To get a better idea of the rates of bidirectional IPV, Niki Palmetto of the Mailman School of Public Health at Columbia University in New York recently conducted a study based on self-reports from 618 young adult women in committed relationships. She looked at history of violence, victimization, and perpetration. Over one third of the women reported having experienced at least one episode of IPV, with 12% reporting only perpetrator violence, 3% reporting being the victim only, and 19% reporting bidirectional violence. This means that nearly one in five women in this study report being both the victim and perpetrator of violence in their relationships. Factors that increased risk for bidirectional status included history of childhood sexual abuse, exposure to family IPV, younger age, and longer relationship duration.

Palmetto also found that African-American women and those who had more than two previous pregnancies were most likely to report bidirectional violence. She believes that pregnancies can present a threat to both partners, thus increasing the risk for violence. Also, Palmetto theorizes that African-American women who contribute to the financial well-being of their families may have less tolerance for victimization and may be more prone to retaliating with aggression when they are victimized. This dynamic would directly increase the rate of bidirectionality among this segment of women. Palmetto also points out that this study was based on self-reports from a nondiverse sample of women. She hopes future research extends these findings by studying women of varying ages, ethnicity, and socioeconomic status. Until then, Palmetto feels her findings contribute significantly to this area of research. She said, “We believe this study to be a critical step in the examination of bidirectional violence within adolescent and young adult dating relationships.”

Reference:
Palmetto, Niki, et al. (2013). Predictors of physical intimate partner violence in the lives of young women: Victimization, perpetration, and bidirectional violence. Violence and Victims 28.1 (2013): 103-21. ProQuest. Web.

parents-talking-children-sex-0329137The sex talk is enough to send just about any parent into a tailspin of anxiety. Such anxiety can affect the quality of the conversation, your child’s attitudes about sex, and your child’s willingness to come to you with future sex-related questions. If your kid thinks he or she is going to be met with an anxious, flustered parent who conveys negativity, the child is much more likely to consult a friend—which can lead to misinformation.

Before you talk with your child about sex, you’ll need to examine your own attitudes so that you can convey comfort and confidence. While there’s no guarantee that you can completely move past your anxiety, there are a few things you can do to minimize it.

Examine Your Own Attitudes
Before you begin trying to shape your child’s attitudes about sex, look at your own ideas. Many parents, for example, want children to have healthy attitudes toward sex but feel uncomfortable with the topic themselves. Children believe what their parents do, not what they say, and no matter how positively you speak, negativity will rub off on your child.

Spend some time thinking about particular topics that make you uncomfortable and examine why these might be hot-button issues for you. If you have sexual issues of your own, it’s a good idea to talk to a therapist before you talk to your child. If there’s a specific topic that makes you uncomfortable, try delegating that topic to your spouse or a trusted family friend.

Start Early
There’s no way you can convey all the information your child needs to know about sex in a single talk, and trying to do so can spell disaster. Parents should start talking to their children about sex early, and continue providing age-appropriate information as children develop.

Starting early can help you move past your own anxiety. After all, it’s usually easier to talk to an adoring 6-year-old than to a judgmental teenager. By starting early, you get into the habit of talking about sex with your child, and this can make it easier to talk about other challenging subjects as your child gets older.

Make It Natural
Anything can start a conversation—a television show, news story, or the experience of a family member. There’s no need to corner your child and start a highly serious talk. Instead, use every opportunity you can to talk about sex in a comfortable, low-key environment.

When you let the conversation flow naturally, you’re less likely to build up dread. Conversations that occur as part of everyday events tend to be shorter, too, which can help reduce anxiety and stress.

Lower the Stakes
Sex conversations can seem like high-stakes talks, during which you must give every conceivable piece of information your child might ever need. This attitude can contribute to parental anxiety and make your child not want to talk to you about sex again.

Instead, try treating sex like any other topic, raising it in an easy, low-key manner. Pretend you’re talking about how to safely cross the road or how to kick a soccer ball. Heavy-handed approaches may be more likely to be met with skeptical, dismissive, or even rebellious reactions.

Ask for Feedback
Most parents’ conversations with their children are two-sided. You might each share what you did during the day or discuss your thoughts on a family member or political issue. But parents tend to make the sex talk one-sided, lecturing their children and expecting them to take in a huge quantity of information.

This practice not only makes it less likely that your child will get good information, it can also increase your anxiety. Instead, try asking your child his or her thoughts, asking how much he or she has learned, or even asking if the child feels like he or she can trust the information you’re giving. This gives your kid a chance to provide feedback and ask questions, and makes the sex talk seem much more like any other conversation.

References:

  1. Park, A. (2009, December 07). Parents’ sex talk with kids: Too little, too late. Time Magazine. Retrieved from http://www.time.com/time/health/article/0,8599,1945759,00.html
  2. Talking with kids about sex and relationships. (n.d.). Talk With Your Kids. Retrieved from http://www.talkwithkids.org/sex.html

Unhappy boy sitting on floor in cornerMy family moved to England from the United States when I was very young. My first memories are British ones. I remember learning to tie my school tie, and being proud of the little sword and shield crest on my tiny blazer. When I was 7, we moved back to America.

Shortly after arriving back in the United States, my older brother began his sexual advances. I have never been able to find out what had happened to him before he began to repeat the behavior, or when and where it occurred, but I am sure he was abused at a point prior to moving back to America. The behaviors he adopted and the activities he was interested in experiencing were far too advanced for a boy of 10 years old to come up with on his own. I had tried to get these answers from time to time over the years, but my mother was far too delusional or ashamed to ever give any real information.

The first interval of sexual activity occurred over the first two years in the US, and escalated quickly until we were discovered. It wasn’t until about a year ago that I learned exactly how that happened. She must have stumbled on us during a “session” in his room, but didn’t react right away. My memory of this is mostly blocked out.

What I do remember happened later in the evening. She angrily grabbed my younger brother and me and shoved us into the van and drove like crazy to a park nearby. I assume she left my older brother at home out of shame, or merely because she didn’t know what to do. My father was out of the country for work, probably somewhere in Europe. It was in the winter time, that much I remember. The heater was cranked up to the max and we were in snowsuits. I wanted to get out of the van at the park, but she refused to let us out. We three sat there for hours in silence. I got more and more scared and confused. What had she been thinking?

Eventually, I worked up the courage to ask her if I was in trouble. She looked at me with wild black eyes and started to snap, then, as suddenly as she started yell, she stopped. I can’t recall hearing any actual words. I was petrified, and I didn’t even know why. I wanted out of that van immediately. My mind raced feverishly through ways to escape and protect my younger brother without arousing her anger. I came up dry, but luckily, she grew tired of the pointless sitting and drove us home without another word.

Lasting Aftershock
Two weeks went by with no mention of that night, and then my father returned home from his trip. Normally, we loved it when he came home; we typically got small presents, and we got to hear stories of the friends we had left behind in England. This was not to be such a day. I was summoned to the living room to sit on the couch next to my older brother and wait for mother to finish talking to father in their bedroom. They came in and sat across from us. I knew immediately that doom was imminent.

We were both then subjected to an intense and specific interrogation, so laced with shame and disgust that I had to bury my 9-year-old head in the couch cushions. I wept with total abandon. I have been trying to remember the specific details of this morning, but can’t seem to get there. A lot of my childhood has dark windows of redacted information — blank spots surrounded with shame and sorrow, but silhouetted by the clear details around them. I remember it ending at some point when I eventually stopped crying and sat up to see that I was alone in the living room. I ran to my room and hid under my bedclothes. Mother came to me later to tell me I was to stay away from my older brother and that he was clearly “sick” and something would have to be done with him. I look back now on that day and cry only for him. Whatever had happened to me could not have compared to what she had done to him.

Several decades later, I have drawn the conclusion that my mother suffered from borderline personality disorder. She is yet undiagnosed. I have become an apt student of everything related to those with borderline personality, and I try to share what I have learned where it is appropriate to do so. One of the defining characteristics she would manifest regularly was the projection of shame and revulsion regarding anything remotely sexual. I have pieced together a few loose theories on why this is, but not enough to really write about. As traumatic as the sexual abuse eventually became for me, it paled in comparison to what she did to both of us as a result of the discovery.

The “All-Good Child”
This event touched off a campaign of hers to emotionally destroy my older brother. He was painted black with an indelible ink that would never wash away. He was the “all-bad child” for the rest his childhood. I was elevated to the status of the all-good child. It was never that simple, and if we could have gotten together to figure it out, maybe we could have defeated her emotional polarization of our characters. But then again, we probably never stood a chance. A side effect of my mother’s “splitting” was that my brother started sneaking back into my room at nights to continue the sexual advances. This continued for two more years before I got strong enough to resist him and smart enough to keep a buck knife under my mattress. One night I put the blade to his face and made my unwillingness to participate clear. He never bothered me again.

When I turned 15, I met my first girlfriend. She was a visitor at my church, a guest of a single mother and her daughter. One Sunday after the church service had ended, my mother walked up to my girlfriend and me, grabbed us both by the shoulders, and pushed us roughly off to the side of the sanctuary and into an office cubicle. She brought in my girlfriend’s host mother and our pastor, and called her little meeting to order. She began by telling everyone there about my sexual abuse in graphic detail. I had never told a soul what had happened to me those years past, and she just trotted it out like a juicy rumor. When she had finished humiliating me, she moved on to my girlfriend, who had apparently been molested by one of her mother’s boyfriends a few years earlier. Until this point, my girlfriend knew nothing of my abuse, and I had known nothing of hers.

My mother’s apparent goal was to get it all out into the open as to prevent our involvement that she saw ending in debauchery, depravity, and most likely shameful pregnancy. My girlfriend broke up with me over the phone a week later. I couldn’t blame her. My mother in full witch mode was a soul-chilling experience.

Fear into Obedience
I spent the rest of my time before leaving for college trying to please my mother, mostly out of fear. It would take some time away and separation from her to be able to look back and think critically about the time before I realized the truth about her. She reacted to anything remotely sexual with hysteria every time. Even things that were barely risqué resulted in meltdowns for her. A movie with a sex scene (no matter how PG), led her to fits of anger and projected shame. I would do anything in my power each time to escape her presence or distract her with whatever I could. Her shame, unchecked, always seemed to focus on her poor son, or worse, on the older brother who would be forever painted black.

I became a master at reading her moods and deflecting or distracting her scrutiny. My style of survival clashed with that of my brother. Where I chose capitulation, he opted for open rebellion. My great regret from all of this conflict was ever siding with her to spare myself. I’ve since been told that doing this to survive was nothing I should feel ashamed of, but I’ll bet my older brother suffered greatly as a result. I haven’t ever been able to talk to my brother about any of this, but I hope that one day we might try.

I suspect that when our mother passes away, there might be a window of time where we can find a common fraternal safe haven to talk candidly about our horrid upbringing. This is probably wishful thinking, as he has presented a lot of the hallmark traits of a narcissistic personality disorder. I have kept my distance from him for the last few decades. My younger brother was mostly shielded from our mother’s emotional abuse, and I see him once every few months. Since I have suspected my mother’s borderline personality, I have shared a little here and there with him, but for the most part we don’t talk about our childhood. I can’t help but feel that this is building to a conclusion of some sort. Her instability has gotten much worse in the last few years, and her alcohol abuse worsens as well. My father’s enabling has allowed her to continue on unchecked in her madness, but she has turned on him as well.

Healing from Shame
Coming to terms with my childhood has only come about since I sought out a therapist. I actually found her using Goodtherapy.org’s therapist finder application. I have been working with her for almost a year now, and have made a lot of discoveries, both good and bad. I write a blog of my own to make sense of what I was forced to be and what I am trying to become, but this particular story doesn’t want to fit in there anywhere. It’s too rough, too raw, too painful. While I have banished my mother from my life, her ghost still comes to call from time to time.

I write this now as a cleansing ritual to scrub her influence from my mind and spirit. I have reclaimed my life. Memories of pain like these ones have no place in my future except as footnotes. I hope that in sharing this story I can share the hope that comes from deep within me — the hope that we can heal ourselves from anything we’ve had to endure. The transmutation of shame into healing is the greatest magic I have ever seen, and it brought me to tears to see it for the first time in my own life. My greatest wish is to find a way to show this magic to anyone else who has ever needed it.

Hands pressed together in prayerChurch attendance in the United States has been dwindling over the past several decades, with people who regularly attend church now accounting for a minority of the population. More than 90% of Americans, however, report that they believe in God, with many harboring faith but not participating in formal religion. More than 30% of Americans report that they are spiritual but not religious.

Spiritual people don’t subscribe to a single set of beliefs. They may simply believe in God but dislike formal religion, or they may combine practices from a variety of religions. Spirituality is frequently associated with new-age and alternative religious practices. A new study published in the The British Journal of Psychiatry finds that people who identify as spiritual are more likely to experience a wide variety of mental health issues than both nonreligious and traditionally religious people.

The Study
The study, which was conducted by researchers at University College of London, involved surveys of 7,403 randomly selected participants. Each participant was asked about his or her religious beliefs, emotional state, history of drug use, history of addiction, and history of mental health issues. Thirty-five percent reported that they were religious. Nineteen percent reported that they were spiritual, and 43% reported no religious affiliation.

The Results
On nearly every measure of psychological well-being, people who described themselves as “spiritual but not religious” fared more poorly than other study participants. Notable findings:

What Does It Mean?
While the study shows that spiritual people may be more vulnerable to mental health issues, it provides little information about why. It could be that people are more likely to identify as spiritual when they have a mental health issue; it could also be that something about spirituality makes people more vulnerable to mental health issues.

Religion provides significant social support, as well as an explanation for life’s suffering. It could be that, absent this support, people are more vulnerable to mental struggles. But even the nonreligious people in the study had better mental health than the marginally religious spiritual people, so the psychological benefits of religion don’t tell the whole story. While more research needs to be done, some possible explanations include:

References:

  1. Castella, T. D. (2013, March 01). Spiritual, but not religious. BBC News. Retrieved from http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-20888141
  2. Corner, D. (2006). The impact of spirituality on mental health: A review of the literature[PDF]. London: The Mental Health Foundation.
  3. Gallup, G. H., Jr. (2003, February 11). Americans’ spiritual searches turn inward. Gallup. Retrieved from http://www.gallup.com/poll/7759/americans-spiritual-searches-turn-inward.aspx
  4. Merica, D. (2013, January 9). The spiritual but not religious likely to face mental health issues, drug use, study says. CNN Belief Blog RSS. Retrieved from http://religion.blogs.cnn.com/2013/01/09/the-spiritual-but-not-religious-likely-to-face-mental-health-issues-drug-use-study-says/
  5. Newport, F. (2011, June 3). More than 9 in 10 Americans continue to believe in God. Gallup. Retrieved from http://www.gallup.com/poll/147887/americans-continue-believe-god.aspx
  6. Spirituality ‘link’ to mental illness. (2013, January 2). PubMed Health. Retrieved from http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/behindtheheadlines/news/2013-01-02-spirituality-link-to-mental-illness-/
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