envious girl with mom and sibling in the backgroundWhen a family member is diagnosed with a chronic illness, he or she is not the only person who has to deal with the diagnosis—the entire family is affected by it. Think of a car: every part has to work properly and in conjunction with the other parts in order to run smoothly, right? Something as simple as a flat tire can cause the entire system to slow down. The family system is like that car. Each member has roles and responsibilities, and when one person has a medical diagnosis, it can throw off the entire system.

So when a child is diagnosed with a chronic illness, the entire family system is affected. Having a child with a chronic illness can be difficult for everyone. Managing schedules and doctor appointments, going to different therapies, and dealing with sudden changes of symptoms can be exhausting for the child with the illness as well as for the parents.

But what about the nondiagnosed siblings? How are they affected? Family routines and dynamics can drastically change when a child is diagnosed with a chronic illness. This change can affect the nondiagnosed siblings in different ways. Some normal emotions for nondiagnosed siblings include:

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What can you do as a parent to help your nondiagnosed children cope with their sibling’s illness? Here are a few tips:

Express Feelings

Encourage your kids to talk about their feelings, even when it’s not so positive, and validate them when they do open up. Model this behavior by expressing yourself in a truthful and age-appropriate way to your children.

Maintain Rules

Keep your family rules intact. Many parents feel guilty enforcing rules when there is an illness, but structure can help children know what to expect; it helps them feel safe.

Include Siblings

Do not allow siblings to be caretakers per se, but invite them to doctor or therapy appointments when possible. This can help them understand what your diagnosed child is going through.

Stay Active

Although some extracurricular activities might have to be altered, it’s important to find doable hobbies in which everyone can participate. Being able to enjoy the fun things in life can help the family cope better and feel “normal.”

Make Time

The diagnosed child gets a lot of your undivided attention. Be sure to take time out for your nondiagnosed children, too. It will help them know that they are still important to you.

It’s not always easy to see when a nondiagnosed child is struggling because he or she doesn’t always know how to express feelings. A few things you can look for are changes in sleep, mood, or appetite. You should also be aware of regressed behaviors or changes in school functioning. If you see these changes consistently, consider seeking the assistance of a therapist to help the child cope more effectively.

GoodTherapy | Asperger’s and Hygiene: Solutions for an Overlooked IssueChildren and teens with Asperger’s syndrome (AS) often miss basic social cues, impeding their ability to interact successfully with others. Included in the missed social cues are personal hygiene considerations, which often go unnoticed by kids with Asperger’s. Parents of children with AS frequently complain that it is difficult to get their children to brush their teeth or comb their hair. As the child matures into adolescence, additional hygiene issues, such as the use of deodorant, become problematic. Understanding the causes of these challenges can help improve personal hygiene by enabling parents and loved ones to provide appropriate supports for proper behaviors.

Why Is Hygiene Such a Difficult Issue?

Problems with hygiene for the child or adolescent with AS appear to stem from two things: sensory issues and social awareness. Many children with AS will refuse to shower or to brush their teeth. Although caregivers may initially believe that these responses are due to laziness on the part of the child, in many instances refusal to engage in personal hygiene activities results from sensory issues encountered by the child. In an effort to illustrate this point, consider the AS child who has difficulty trying new foods because of their texture. Inserting a toothbrush with abrasive toothpaste into the mouth can overwhelm the child’s senses, creating an aversion to brushing one’s teeth. As a result, the AS child may not willingly brush his or her teeth each night despite efforts to educate the child about the potential harm that may result.

A lack of social awareness may also impact decision making when it comes to personal hygiene. As children mature into adolescence, their personal hygiene needs become more extensive. Boys and girls will need to use deodorant, shave, comb their hair, and make sure they are properly and appropriately dressed. These hygiene issues are particularly important for adolescents in order for them to project a positive self-image that is acceptable to their peers. Because many adolescents with AS lack a basic understanding of social awareness, hygiene issues may not be an important consideration for this group. Putting on deodorant may not be viewed as important by the adolescent with AS despite the fact it is necessary to prevent body odor: an obstacle which can hinder peer interaction.

What Can Be Done?

With the realization that hygiene is such a difficult and challenging issue for children and adolescents, it is important for caregivers to consider what they can do to promote personal hygiene without overwhelming their child or adolescent with sensory issues or negative criticism. Although the specific hygiene needs of each child will be different, there are some steps that parents and caregivers can take to improve outcomes in these areas:

GoodTherapy | Feeling Unworthy or Undeserving? Let's Undo ThatBeing deserving means having an expectation of goodness in your life. It is the goodness of people, relationships, and situations that we all want and deserve in our lifetime. We are all deserving of:

The idea of being deserving isn’t a new one. But for someone who is not used to feeling deserving or worthy, it can be a difficult concept.

As a black woman, I grew up with conflicting messages from my family telling me that I was capable and deserving of whatever my heart desired. But then I went into the world only to be told directly and indirectly how undeserving I was. Whether I was undeserving of the same respectful treatment my colleagues were given, of being seated at a restaurant, or of the promotion that I’d worked hard for, I was constantly told and reminded how undeserving I was.

For many people, there is a tension between what we come to believe we deserve and what others tell us we deserve. Whether it’s an outsider or ourselves limiting our expectations, though, it makes it more challenging to live a fulfilled life. Perhaps the limitations you experience in life are a result of a deeper belief that you don’t deserve more. Though it doesn’t feel good, it is familiar to stay in a situation that you’re used to.

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But it doesn’t have to be this way. There are steps you can take toward having the life you want and deserve.

First, ask yourself, “Do I deserve good things in my life?” If the answer is no, why not? Why can’t you have the relationship, job, or life that you want? Take the time to write your answers. You may surprise yourself with the thoughts that are unconsciously swirling around your head. Many times, these buried thoughts come from long-ago experiences that hurt us and continue to influence us today. If you don’t uncover them, you can’t change them!

Now that you know where your feelings of being undeserving come from, you have some investigating to do. Are the comments that were made to you 20 years true today? Were they true then? Don’t give yourself an automatic answer; take the time to expose the validity, or lack thereof, of these thoughts.

A true investigation requires more than just your perspective. Gather three people who are honest, who love and encourage you. Ask for their opinion and thoughts about the messages you received when you were younger. Picking the right three people is key. They shouldn’t be people who will agree with you no matter what; otherwise, you won’t believe them. Nor should they be the people who initially conveyed these messages! They need to be people who will be honest with you while loving and supporting you.

Once your investigation is complete, you need to review this new information. Ask yourself again, “Am I deserving?” and “What am I deserving of?” Are your answers any different than the original ones?

What do you want to do with this new information? Do you want to hold onto it and ponder it? Or are you ready to take action and make changes in your life?

If you are ready to make a change, repeat the following daily: “I am worthy and deserving of goodness.”

Imagine the difference on your psyche and in your interactions with others if you move from saying “I’m worthless” day after day to saying “I am worthy and deserving of goodness.” Repeat “I am worthy and deserving of goodness” each time you go outside. Whether you’re leaving for work in the morning, taking a lunch break, or going to the store, say it. In doing so, you will challenge your thinking and your beliefs about your worth. It will lead you to the interactions, relationships, and situations that you are truly deserving of!

What or who makes you feel deserving? Let us know in the comments section below.

affirmation talents and giftsWhat if we told you that with a single simple phrase, you could turn a bad day into a great one and turn pessimism into an instantly brightened attitude? You could write “I am beautiful” in the fog on the bathroom mirror. You could repeat Aibileen’s mantra from The Help: “You is kind. You is smart. You is important.” Or, you could print out these nine affirmations and hang them around your home or office, tape them on the dashboard of your car, or commit them to memory to pull out during trying times.

Affirmations are statements that reflect a positive outlook on life, one’s abilities, one’s potential, and more. Because the verb “to affirm” means “to maintain as true” (Dictionary.com), affirmations inherently uphold truths. In other words, by repeating these phrases you aren’t teaching yourself anything new—you’re simply repeating and reinforcing truths. Sometimes it’s difficult to remember that you are kind, smart, and important. You may need to continue to tell yourself those things so your brain can recognize and accept them.

Repeating affirmations can relieve anxiety, ease day-to-day pressure and stress, and even have a positive effect on healing from other mental health issues, like addiction. Don’t believe us? It’s scientifically proven!

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GoodTherapy.org has reported before on the astounding benefits of using affirmations:

Add these affirmations to your daily routine, and let us know in the comments how they’re helping you achieve goals, gain self-esteem, and foster positivity in life!

1. I have the strength to face the challenges before me.

i have strength affirmation

2. I am worthy of love and respect.

i am worthy affirmation

3. I accept myself with all my imperfections.

i accept myself affirmation

4. I recognize my own talents and gifts.

talents and gifts affirmation

5. I am unique. There is beauty in my differences.

i am unique affirmation

6. I focus on what I can do, not what I can’t.

i focus on affirmation

7. I have value and worth in my community and in society.

value and worth affirmation

8. I am grateful for every learning experience I have had.

i am grateful affirmation

9. I can change.

i can change affirmation

Having a hard time accepting these statements to be true? You’re not alone—many people experience self-esteem issues, low self-worth, or reluctance to accept oneself. Therapy can help. Search the GoodTherapy.org directory for the right therapist for you, and take the first step to making a change in your life.

Thanks for your question. Boy, that is a doozy of a choice: bankruptcy or divorce. Would you rather lose the arm or the leg? It really does sound like your wife has a shopping addiction or compulsion that needs addressing sooner rather than later. As an addiction specialist, here are the (somewhat unsavory) choices I see you facing. The crux of it is this: get help … for both you and your wife. You are in a seriously traumatic situation, facing several imminent losses, and I would therefore suggest you:

  1. Find a couples counselor with experience in addiction. To make sure the counselor has this experience, ask him or her to give you a treatment plan for a couple where one is addicted. A good counselor will ask both parties to get help; a competent counselor understands that addiction (or destructive compulsion such as constant overspending) is a family issue. You are experiencing the trauma of facing bankruptcy and/or the loss of your partner, which is frightening to say the least (and probably causes strong resentments and/or fears, which is but one reason support for you is crucial). An inexperienced counselor will say, “Welp, not much you can do except get a divorce lawyer or cut up the credit cards.” You might want to consult with a divorce attorney, just for information’s sake—like tips on how to protect yourself financially—but I honestly don’t think that’s the most important thing initially. I think the most important thing is that you realize your wife has something akin to an addiction (or manic behavior, which often involves highly compulsive behaviors)—and that you take care of yourself, to ensure you make the calmest, most reasonable decisions possible. Even if she doesn’t agree to the couples counseling, I suggest you …
  2. Get yourself a therapist who understands addictions, for an outlet to vent, complain, cry, whatever … so that you can find some calm and at least passing serenity, to listen to what your heart and intuition are telling you. Otherwise, you will be acting out of reactivity and rage (or terror) and may make rash decisions you regret. Your wife needs help, and for your own conscience’s sake, you probably want to at least give her the opportunity to get help. You can search GoodTherapy.org for couples counselors and individual therapists.
  3. Attend a few Al-Anon meetings. Now, Al-Anon technically is for people who have a friend or family member “whose drinking or sobriety is bothering” the attendee. However, people in Al-Anon usually have very good experience with boundaries, and setting boundaries with compassion and detachment rather than a flamethrower. (Rage and resentment are completely understandable reactions, of course; it’s the decisions and actions taken I’m focusing on here.) You can share at the meeting in a general way about “my wife’s addiction” or talk to people afterward; I’d be surprised if at least a handful didn’t offer some practical, experienced suggestions.
  4. I would also look into a recovery program designed for precisely the issue you and your wife face: compulsive debting. Debtors Anonymous was created to help those who behave exactly like your wife. Here is their website, in case you want to go to a meeting to talk to some members for guidance or get some literature. You can, of course, mention this program to your wife, but I’d suggest you either go with her or go on your own to find out about one possible approach to treating this compulsive “debting.”

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You may decide these meetings are not right for you or your situation in the long run, but if you try and listen with an open mind, you will hopefully discover you’re not alone in this, and many individuals and couples have recovered from a seemingly hopeless situation.

Which brings me to the emotional side of this. After you’ve tried some or all of the above, you’ll want to sit down with your wife and say, in as caring a way as possible, you are very concerned and would like her to get help (as in couples counseling or individual therapy). If she refuses, you may bring up the other tough choices you’re looking at. The point is, the current situation is intolerable, and you’re taking action and suggest she does the same. (This way you’re both doing something, and she’s “following along” rather than being shamed or cajoled into anything.) In other words, you feel you both need to do something different or you’re both heading for the poorhouse. You can stress how much this is hurting you. (Use “I feel” rather than “you” statements; as in “I feel terrified,” “I feel hurt” by her unwillingness to stop, etc.) This is harder than it sounds, which is why the support for you is so crucial. Your wife may need your help if she first refuses help then later “hits bottom” in realizing she is in fact drowning.

You may be thinking “why is she doing this to me,” but that might not be necessarily the case, or the whole of it. She may need treatment for mania, or is avoiding some kind of trauma, or is somehow addicted to the powerful “high” of shopping (much more common in our hyper-materialist culture than people realize). But my bottom line for you, since you have so wisely reached out for help, is to stabilize and soothe yourself in the midst of this traumatic chaos, and then have the conversation with her or begin contemplating the hard decisions.

If you want more information or consultation, feel free to contact me. Thanks again for writing. I hope your wife agrees to get the help she needs.

Kind regards,
Darren

mother hugging her daughterAs parents, we hear the word “resilience” all the time these days: “Children are resilient.” “We must help our children be resilient.” Most of us have a vague sense of what resilience means and why it is important, but few really have a handle on what, exactly, we are supposed to do to help our children be resilient. In this article, I will give you some tools for doing just that, but first the basics.

What Is Resilience?

Merriam-Webster defines resilience as “the ability to become strong, healthy, or successful again after something bad happens.” According to Google, resilience is “the capacity to recover quickly from difficulties; toughness.”

Underlying both of these definitions is an assumption that (1) bad stuff inevitably happens in life and (2) we all have the capacity to handle it. In some ways, this seems pretty obvious. However, as parents we tend to worry about our children’s ability to handle the bad stuff and want to protect our children from it. To some extent, especially when our children are very young, this makes absolute sense. The problem is that we won’t be in our children’s lives forever and, even while we are, we simply can’t protect them from all the slings and arrows that life sends their way.

Given these cold, hard facts, our job as parents is to help our children learn to cope with our difficult, imperfect world so that, eventually, they can take care of themselves—emotionally, physically, financially, etc.—if not completely on their own (no one can, nor should, handle life completely on their own), then at least somewhat on their own.

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Now that we’ve established what resilience is and why it is important, let’s look at how we can foster resilience in our children. I believe there are five basic steps to helping build resilience in our children: empathizing, making meaning, problem solving, tolerating uncertainty, and modeling resilience.

1. Empathizing

When your child is struggling, or when something negative has happened to him or her, the first thing the child needs to know is that you understand his or her feelings. Rather than, “Oh, my god, that’s terrible! What are we going to do?” it is more helpful to say something like, “That sounds really painful/difficult/scary.” Even if your child did something wrong or made a mistake, he or she needs your empathy, at least at first. To say you empathize with your child does not necessarily mean you condone his or her behavior, but before you discuss the behavior, it can really help if you say something like, “It feels horrible to hurt a friend’s feelings,” or, “You seem furious at Jane.” In validating your child’s feelings, you are letting him or her know that you accept and can handle his/her feelings, that the feelings are not too upsetting, scary, or infuriating for you. Your child will eventually internalize this message—whatever I feel has validity—which will help build self-esteem and emotional resilience.

2. Meaning Making

If/when your child is able to discuss the situation further, going over what happened and helping your child make sense of it will help him or her feel less frightened, upset, and/or overwhelmed. Making meaning of what happened and why also gives your child a better understanding of the world and some sense of control. Sometimes how we do this is pretty straightforward, such as, “It sounds like it was slippery and you were running too fast and that’s why you fell,” or, “Do you think maybe you didn’t study enough for the test and that’s why you did badly?” Other times, it may require a more subtle approach, such as, “I wonder why Sam was so mad at you?” How you help your child make meaning will obviously depend on the situation and the age of your child. In general, though, the more questions you ask and the fewer answers or opinions you give, the better. When children feel that they are in charge of making sense of their world, the more in control and confident they feel, which only adds to their resilience.

3. Problem Solving

One of the “benefits” of difficult situations is that they give us an opportunity to learn from our mistakes or, even if we didn’t make a mistake, learn what we might do differently in the future. This is no easy task. One of our jobs as parents, therefore, is to teach our children how to learn from their mistakes and to handle the difficult situations they may encounter. Sometimes this involves little more than conveying information, such as, “Ice is slippery. If you run on an icy sidewalk, you will probably fall.” More often than not, however, what our children need to learn is the process by which a good decision gets made or a thorny problem solved. Some basic techniques that you can use to teach your child how to problem solve are brainstorming, role playing, and speculating.

For example, let’s say your daughter complains that her friend was very mean to her, and let’s say that after you have empathized with your daughter and helped her make sense of what happened, she asks you to help her figure out what to do. Although it will probably be tempting to give advice or state your opinion—”If she’s going to treat you like that, there’s no point in you being friends with her!”—your daughter is going to benefit a lot more if you help her problem-solve the situation. One way to do this is to brainstorm her options with her—stop spending time with her friend, be more guarded with her friend, confront her friend in person, call her, etc. After you and your daughter have come up with a few ideas, you might role play the ideas to see how they feel and how they turn out (some kids find role plays very helpful) or have a discussion around what each option might feel like: “What would it feel like if you said/did this?” “What do you think her response would be if you did that?”

4. Tolerating Uncertainty

Sometimes things happen that are completely out of your child’s control and that no amount of problem solving will fix. Illness, death, and natural disasters are but a few examples. In these instances, empathizing (“It is scary not knowing what’s going to happen”) and making meaning (“Sometimes things happen that we can’t control”) with your child are important in terms of helping your child feel less scared and alone. Also, by sticking with your child’s feelings, whatever they may be, and sticking with the truth about life’s uncertainty, you give your child the message that, as scary and uncertain as life can be, you are confident that he or she can tolerate not knowing sometimes.

Of course, whenever possible, it is helpful to reassure your child that (certain) bad things happen very rarely or that it is unlikely that they will happen to him or her—”Aunt Mary has an illness that only adults get”—or that there is hope even amidst the uncertainty: “The doctors are doing everything they can to help her get better.” Obviously, the more your child can feel safe and hopeful, the better.

5. Modeling Resilience

One of the hardest parts about helping our children develop resilience is that we don’t always feel so resilient ourselves. Developing an awareness of our own feelings around difficulty, failure, loss, and uncertainty is therefore very important. You might want to ask yourself: when I struggle with something or make a mistake, how do I feel about myself? How well am I able to work through or problem-solve a tough situation? How well do I tolerate uncertainty and loss? How confident am I in my ability to handle life’s misfortunes? If you are able to feel somewhat confident about at least some of the areas above (hey, no one ever feels completely self-accepting or anxiety-free), then you are modeling resilience for your child in a very powerful way.

Fortunately, even if we don’t feel so resilient all the time, having an awareness of our own vulnerabilities and insecurities can help us deal with our child’s. For example, in the situation where the friend is mean to your daughter, you may find yourself feeling very anxious: “Oh, my poor baby, this is going to be devastating to her!” “What if my daughter doesn’t know how to keep friends?” In these moments, it is helpful to stop and ask yourself, “Why am I feeling so worried? Who is my anxiety really about—me or her?” Much of the time, our own insecurities and past experiences color our perception of our children’s experience. To the degree to which we can, it really helps if we put aside our own experiences and self-doubts and focus on our child’s feelings and experience.

Temperament and Resilience

Although all children have the capacity for resilience, it seems that some children struggle more than others with life’s stressors. For example, there are children who are especially hard on themselves, children who are particularly sensitive to changes in their environment, children for whom uncertainty is extremely anxiety-producing, etc. However, although they may struggle more than other children in some areas, in the process of struggling, these children often develop greater self-awareness (about their needs, their limitations, their strengths, etc.) and an even larger toolbox of problem-solving skills, all of which greatly serves them as they go through life.

All children have the capacity for resilience. Our job as parents is “simply” to nurture this innate capacity. Following the above steps of empathizing, making meaning, problem solving, tolerating uncertainty, and modeling resilience, you can achieve just this. Even if you miss a step or two, if you are able more often than not to convey an attitude of acceptance (that life can be difficult and uncertain) and confidence (that he or she can handle life’s difficulties and uncertainties) to your child, you will be going a long way toward helping your child build resilience and succeed in life.

[fat_widget_right]Many families seek a therapist because of a breakdown in their family system. This breakdown may be the result of poor communication, substance abuse, a major change in the family, or something else that causes tension. This may lead to verbal arguments, and sometimes a family may start fighting during a therapy session. Below, several therapists weigh in on how they handle conflicts that occur during therapy sessions, why they are completely normal, and how fighting can be used to overcome your family’s challenges:

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A hand buckles baby into carseatThe tragic story of Cooper Harris, a Georgia toddler whose father left him in a hot car all day, has yielded a criminal prosecution and a national debate about kids and cars. Some media pundits and parenting experts have pointed to so-called “forgotten baby syndrome.” Forgotten baby syndrome isn’t an actual disease or mental health condition that you’ll find listed in psychiatry’s bible, the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM). However, the fact that 623 children have died of heat stroke in hot cars on warm days since 1998 suggests that forgetting children in cars is a real problem.

Why Parents Forget Their Children

Most parents now put their children in the backseat, with babies facing the rear, to minimize their risks of injury in a car accident. This positive parenting practice, though, means that parents may not interact with their children during a car ride and that they may not even be able to see their children. The tendency of most parents to be overwhelmed and distracted increases the chances that a child in the backseat will slip the parent’s mind.

When we drive our cars, prepare food, and complete other routine, everyday tasks, our brains go into auto-pilot. This means many parents are not consciously thinking about their children while driving them to and from daycare or activities, instead they may be thinking through the day to come. And deviating from a standard routine makes it easy to forget that the child is there at all. One recent study found that 11% of all parents have forgotten their children, and 1 in 4 parents of children under age 3 have accidentally left their child in a car.

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If you’re concerned about forgetting your child, the key is to jar your brain out of auto-pilot. When something’s out of place, it’s hard for your mind to continue working unconsciously. Put something that is an integral part of your daily routine— such as one shoe, your laptop, purse, or office keys—in the backseat. As you get out of the car, you’ll notice you’re missing something, even if you’re not thinking about your child. And once you notice the missing item, you’ll discover the item and your child in the backseat. 

References:

  1. Null, Jan. (2014). Heatstroke Deaths of Children in Vehicles. Department of Earth and Climate Sciences, San Francisco State University. Retrieved from http://www.ggweather.com/heat/
  2. Martin, L. (2012, March 12). Forgotten baby syndrome. MailOnline. Retrieved from http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2113440/Forgotten-baby-syndrome-It-unthinkable–accidentally-leaving-baby-hours-lots-busy-parents-devastating-consequences.html
  3. Payne, M. (2014, July 16). Shoe trick will prevent child deaths in hot cars. News-press.com. Retrieved from http://www.news-press.com/story/news/investigations/melanie-payne/2014/06/20/tell-mel-neverleft-campaign/11102697/ 

Evaluating an MRI of the brainIn the popular imagination, compulsive or addictive behaviors such as shopping or sex are regarded as different from chemical dependency on drugs or alcohol. Even some addiction counselors have argued that behavioral addictions are somehow easier to control because they don’t involve an addictive substance. New research, however, demonstrates that, in the brain, sex addiction looks similar to drug addiction.

Sex Addiction and Brain Activity

The study examined the effects of pornography on brain activity in people who have compulsive sexual behaviors. Excessive pornography use is common among people who experience sex addiction. Researchers showed 19 male subjects pornographic images while monitoring their brain activity using functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI). They then compared the results to the brain activity of an additional 19 men with a history of compulsive sexual behavior.

The men with a history of compulsive sexual behavior had increased brain activity in the ventral striatum, dorsal anterior cingulate, and amygdala. These regions are the same areas that show increased activity during drug use in people who are addicted.

Darren Haber, MA, MFT, a GoodTherapy.org addiction Topic Expert, finds the results unsurprising, explaining, “It’s no surprise that a so-called behavioral addiction mimics drug addiction, especially when that behavior involves something as primally stimulating and rewarding as sex. What troubles me is that our society still seems more interested in playing a semantics game around debating compulsive sexual behavior as ‘addiction, yes or no’ when this enslaving disorder creates such suffering and shame for countless men and women.” Haber emphasizes that our culture often tacitly endorses sex addiction, compounding the problem that those with addiction face. “Porn is a billion dollar business. Soft-core porn is rampant in commercial media. Women are objectified and exploited globally to make a buck, and yet being a (person who is addicted to sex) is somehow shameful or hard to understand,” he says. [fat_widget_right]

What Qualifies as Sex Addiction?

In a sex-saturated society, it can be challenging to draw the line between normal sexual behavior and sex addiction. For those who experience sex addiction, though, sexual behavior feels obligatory rather than enjoyable. Angela Skurtu, MEd, LMFT, a GoodTherapy.org sexuality Topic Expert, explains, “One of the most difficult struggles partners experience with sex and porn addictions is that these behaviors often take place in lieu of a satisfying sex life with one another. The (person with sex addiction) will struggle because he or she doesn’t actually enjoy his or her sexual behaviors. They feel compelled to engage in these behaviors.”

Skurtu cautions that not all use of pornography use indicates sex addiction. “Clinicians must be careful to educate clients about normal sexual behavior, while also being respectful of the client’s personal values. Watching pornography for 15 minutes or so every other day during masturbation is relatively common. As long as the masturbation does not take the place of a healthy sex life for the couple, it should not be considered problematic behavior,” she says.

References:

University of Cambridge. (2014, July 11). Brain activity in sex addiction mirrors that of drug addiction. ScienceDaily. Retrieved from www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2014/07/140711153327.htm

Park-in-the-fallI am an introvert. Both of my daughters, now grown, are extroverts. When the second was in her mid-teens, I was working very long hours. I would frequently come home, brain fried, and find her waiting to tell me all the things that had happened during her day. I would try to listen, but more often than not I did not have the energy to do so.

One evening, after a few minutes I apologized and told her I was really tired and needed to just sit and read. She was more hurt and confused than angry. She said, “Daddy, I do not understand. You listen to others all day long, but when you come home you do not want to listen to me.”

I felt bad, really bad. However, feeling bad did nothing to generate the energy needed to engage. I apologized again and she left the room. I did not understand what was the matter with me. Her statement was so reasonable.

It was during this time, quite by accident, that I became aware of the existence of natural and normal differences in how individuals perceive, process, assign meanings, and respond.

These differences are determined by the degree to which each is:

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The stronger an individual’s response orientation is toward one pole or the other on these dichotomies, the more likely the characteristics and traits known to be common for individuals with that orientation will be present. These differences are natural and normal, present at birth, identifiable at an early age, and do not change much across time.

An individual’s response process may be the same as or quite different from a parent, sibling, significant other, or child. A naturally extroverted parent, for instance, cannot get a naturally introverted child to become more extroverted any more than a naturally introverted parent can get a naturally extroverted child to be more introverted.

My efforts to get my extroverted children to be less talkative were about as successful as my extroverted children’s efforts to get me to be more talkative: close to nil. As best I can tell, the only change that has occurred across time has come from our accepting each other’s natures as a given and accommodating this difference whenever possible.

A number of misperceptions exist regarding the meaning of these differences in response orientations.

Extroverts, for example, tend to view introverts as quiet, shy, withdrawn, maybe depressed, or antisocial, withholding, self-centered, or uninvolved. Introverts tend to view extroverts as talkative, sociable, and friendly, or noisy, needy, intrusive, and either unable or unwilling to listen.

These assumptions regarding the meaning of these response behaviors are usually inaccurate.

Extroverts, in fact:

Introverts, on the other hand:

This information helped me understand my own process as well as that of my daughter in a way that took fault finding out of the equation. A natural disparity existed at the end of the day in what she needed to feel connected to me and what I needed before I could meet her need.

Conversations with her since regarding the nature of this difference have been very helpful. I had always thought I was too self-centered and insensitive, and she had thought there was something wrong with her, that she was too needy. Once we understood that natural differences were the real culprit, we were able to reconnect through an understanding of ourselves and each other.

Seventy percent of the nearly 400 couples I have seen since 2000 have combined an introvert with an extrovert. The information provided above has helped many move from never-ending debates over right and wrong to identifying ways to accommodate and compromise when differences lead to disagreements.

Misperceptions are also common regarding response orientations on the other three dichotomies.

  1. Individuals who automatically process information from a literal frame of reference, from noting what is happening in the moment within the context of past experience, are not usually rigid or lacking in imagination. They are simply wired to provide practical responses to what is happening in the moment. And individuals who automatically process information from a possible-meanings context are not usually unrealistic or unable to face facts. They are simply wired to explore alternative possibilities for meaning and application to future situations.
  2. Individuals who naturally come to conclusions based on objective assessments of cause and effect are not usually insensitive or uncaring. They are simply designed to draw conclusions logically, a process that requires feelings to be experienced in a more neutral manner. And individuals who automatically factor in how others will, or may, feel when making decisions are not usually emotionally weak or unstable. They are simply wired to make decisions in a way that minimizes disruption of harmony in human relationships.
  3. Individuals who naturally plan and structure life events are not usually inflexible or controlling. They are simply wired to plan events in a manner that minimizes the possibility of the unexpected happening. And individuals who naturally respond more in the moment as events play out are not usually immature, irresponsible, or unreliable. They are simply wired to respond more spontaneously as events play out and provide optimum creative adaptations when the unexpected does occur.

There appears to be a yin-yang aspect to these dichotomy-specific differences; responses that can appear contradictory but are actually interdependent and complementary, with each covering one part of that dichotomy’s whole that the other cannot. In my experience, understanding the meaning of these differences leads to increased self-acceptance as well as acceptance of those who naturally differ.

GoodTherapy | 7 Principles for Responsive ParentingI have 5-year-old twin daughters. For the sake of privacy, I’ll call them Mary and Martha. Mary is sensitive, nurturing, deeply compassionate, and easily distracted. Martha is industrious and won’t stop until the job is done. She is brave and matter-of-fact. I love my girls to the moon. And they often drive me nuts.

They are both very bold with their Daddy when he is impatient and impertinent. Mary delivers an emotional appeal—“Daddy, you hurt my feelings”—with wobbly intonation. Martha pronounces a directive—“Daddy, you should not talk rough to me!”—with assertive decree.

In moments of irritability, I react impulsively and act at the whim of my own anxiety. I still have a long way to grow. As parents, we must remember that the most effective discipline is disciplined parenting.

The Harvard Family Research Project defines responsive parenting as “the use of warm and accepting behaviors to respond to children’s needs and signals” (2012). Becoming increasingly responsive as a parent requires not only an incredible dose of humility but a fullness of perspective.

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Responsive parenting requires attunement to your unique child. Yet here I propose seven general principles which I believe are consistently applicable to children of any age or temperament.

1. Show Love, Without Condition

First things first—make sure, without a shadow of a doubt, that your children know that you love them unconditionally, that no matter what they do or how circumstances change, you love them. Providing unconditional love is a prerequisite to the success of rules, expectations, and all the rest.

I am grateful to Dr. Gary Chapman for the simple profundity of his “five love languages.” There are five basic ways we give and receive affection: time, touch, words, acts, and gifts; we are each wired more or less in ways that affect which of these modes of affection mean the most to us.

I find there is always fantastic nuance in the linguistics of love. My daughter Mary feels highly connected to me when I give her nurturing massage. Martha feels highly connected to me when I block her karate chop, swipe her legs out from under her, and tackle her to the ground.

When we show love in our child’s unique language, we maximize the impact of our affections and fortify a secure base. Be a scientist, and experiment to learn what fills your child’s bucket. Then multiply to infinity.

2. Order Up Expectations, Sans the Egotism

Share your convictions firmly but without unnecessary rigidity. Remain open-minded, and share your thought process, even aspects of your own ambivalence. Your children will come to respect your authenticity and gain in cognitive and emotional depth. When you do choose to pick a battle, the credibility you may have gained in the process of compromising on nonessentials may be leveraged against a non-negotiable.

3. More Carrot, Less Stick

Catch your children doing the right thing, and do not miss opportunities to affirm a child’s acts of love, joy, peace, patience, goodness, kindness, gentleness, faithfulness, and self-control. Cultivate virtue by feeding, watering, and lighting the growth of character and integrity.

Also, work hard to nurture your bond with them, and you may find yourself less on the proverbial parenting soap box and less engaged in punitive discipline.

Mary and Martha love when I read them stories. We’re currently halfway through The Horse and His Boy on a quest to finish all seven books of The Chronicles of Narnia this summer. They know that if they have any chance for an extra chapter or two tonight, most of their toys must be neatly stored by bedtime hour.

4. Feed Connection, Starve Reaction

Your children want to know and to be connected with you, to know that you know them and want to be connected with them. It’s easy to miss this simple yet weighty truth as we grind out the day-to-day. Pour out affirmation and interest, and slow down reaction to mistakes and misbehavior.

Confront your children about issues for which you find yourself curious or concerned. Have direct and open conversations. Prioritize relationship over reaction, connection over compliance.

Do not present yourself as aggressive or unmovable. Observe and respond to your children’s perceptions and perspective. Do not just listen to yourself think and talk. Listen to them. Then, if necessary, remain resolute in clarifying limits and reassert your love.

5. Be Playful, Ditch the Digital

Let’s face it: we live in the digital age. And, whatever its virtues, it has waned our capacity for responsive attunement to our children’s tireless energies and budding desires. It is undeniable that learning as well as bonding best occurs when there is a significant component of play and reciprocal interaction.

A few weeks ago, my daughters were restless for fun, so I turned a couple of couches on their side and engineered a magnificent tent with an assortment of rods, a ladder, blankets, pillows, and a string of lights. That tent stayed up for weeks and prompted our adventure into Narnia. They will remember this forever.

6. Foster Wonder, Deter Gloom

We must teach our children how to think and feel, connect and create, and incite their wonder. We must find the time to attempt real answers to their insatiable questions and pose our own in return. Let us fearlessly lead our children in conversations of beauty and purpose and death. Life itself is the essence of wonder.

We don’t teach our children how to play. Rather, an innate curiosity and creativity drives their wildly imaginative masquerades into make-believe. Such creativity is a catalyst for competency. It deters boredom and gloom and promotes resilience. Yet many of us inhibit our children’s play, to their detriment.

7. Reward Competence, Discourage Vanity

Your children want to be awesome, just like you. Teach them everything you can about the world so that they will gain insight, and teach them everything you can about how the world works so that they will gain skill. Insight and skill are precursors to self-worth. Baseless praise is not. Neither is praise of outer appearance.

For instance, that Mary and Martha are pretty girls is a distraction from Mary’s early promotion in swim class and Martha’s success in cooking up scrambled eggs all by herself. Praise of externals risks an infusion of vanity. When I praise what they have genuinely done well, I excite self-worth and stir courage for more.

Reference:
Landry, S. H., Smith, K. E., Swank, P. R., Zucker, T., Crawford, A. D., and Solari, E. F. (2012, March 15). The effects of a responsive parenting intervention on parent–child interactions during shared book reading. Developmental Psychology. Advance online publication. doi: 10.1037/a0026400. Retrieved from http://www.hfrp.org/family-involvement/publications-resources/the-effects-of-a-responsive-parenting-intervention-on-parent-child-interactions-during-shared-book-reading

Woman looking into the distanceMillions of people with mental health issues lead happy, productive, and extremely normal lives. Many people with mental health conditions never tell their loved ones, and their behavior may be no different from people without mental health conditions. Indeed, more than 25% of Americans receive a mental health diagnosis at least once. But this doesn’t mean that living with a mental health challenge is easy, and friends and family can be frustrated when their attempts at helping fail. If someone you love struggles with mental health challenges, there are many ways you can help.

Learn about Mental Health

Mental health conditions can be confusing, particularly to bystanders. Learn as much as you can about your loved one’s condition. The National Alliance on Mental Illness is an excellent resource for friends and family. You may also be able to find a local support group in which you can learn about better ways to help your loved one cope.

Avoid Stigmatizing Mental Health

Mental health conditions are no different from other health conditions. Your loved one didn’t choose to struggle with mental health issues, and he or she can’t will the condition away. Don’t make someone you love feel ashamed of a mental health challenge. Instead, encourage him or her to talk openly about the issue as you listen without judgment. 

Listen and Learn

People are not disorders or symptoms. They’re unique individuals, and your loved one might not experience all of the symptoms your research tells you he or she will. Don’t just rely on books or Internet articles for information. Listen to your loved one’s lived experiences, and ask about how you can help.   

Assist Your Loved One in Seeking Help

Mental health conditions don’t typically go away on their own, and your loved one deserves excellent help. GoodTherapy.org can help you find a therapist who specializes in your loved one’s specific issue. If the person you love is anxious about seeking help, offer to make the first call for them or even to go with them to the first therapy session. 

Offer Meaningful Support

It’s nice to say you care and want to help, but it’s even better to offer specific, tangible assistance. If your friend is overwhelmed at work, consider picking up the kids from school. If your sibling has trouble focusing on daily tasks, offer to help by mowing the lawn or weeding the garden. When you reduce the stress of everyday life, you make it easier for your loved one to concentrate on recovery. 

Take Symptoms Seriously

Mental health issues can color the way you see the world, and no amount of arguing is going to change your loved one’s perceptions. More importantly, though, mental health symptoms are real symptoms. If your friend feels suicidal, angry, or anxious, don’t tell him or her that life’s not that bad. Listen carefully to your loved one’s emotions and take them seriously. Never try to make a loved one feel guilty about his or her feelings. 

Give Your Loved One Control

Unless your loved one is in imminent danger, trying to force him or her into treatment removes your loved one’s sense of agency and strength. Encourage your loved one to seek treatment, but don’t attempt to force or manipulate him or her into it. Treatment won’t work until a person is truly ready to receive it. 

Offer Unconditional Love

People with mental health conditions frequently worry that they are unlovable, and stereotypes about mental illness can compound this fear. Offer your loved one unconditional love, and reassure him or her that you are and will continue to be available. 

Build Upon Strengths

No matter how much your loved one is struggling, he or she has something to offer the world. Help your friend or family member celebrate small victories. For example, if your spouse experiences depression and has trouble getting out of bed, praise him or her for pushing through a challenging day. You might say, “I know it’s so hard to go to work when you feel so sad, and I just wanted to let you know that I am so proud of you for pushing through.” Make sure your praise is genuine and not patronizing. 

Keep Your Loved One Safe

Your loved one’s life and safety matters more than anything else. If you are worried that a loved one is in imminent danger, contact a suicide hotline or a mental health professional. People who threaten suicide or violence aren’t just seeking attention. They’re people in imminent distress who need and deserve immediate help.

References:

  1. Dickens, Rex. (n.d.). 60 Tips for Helping People Who Have Schizophrenia. Schizophrenia.com. Retrieved from http://www.schizophrenia.com/family/60tip.html
  2. For Friends and Family Members. (n.d.). MentalHealth.gov. Retrieved from http://www.mentalhealth.gov/talk/friends-family-members/index.html
  3. The Numbers Count: Mental Disorders in America. (n.d.). National Institute of Mental Health. Retrieved from http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/the-numbers-count-mental-disorders-in-america/index.shtml
Important Notice

GoodTherapy is not intended to be a substitute for professional advice, diagnosis, medical treatment, or therapy. Always seek the advice of your physician or qualified mental health provider with any questions you may have regarding any mental health symptom or medical condition. Never disregard professional psychological or medical advice nor delay in seeking professional advice or treatment because of something you have read on GoodTherapy.