But in his new book, What Do Women Want?, New York Times journalist Dan Bergner argues that women might actually find monogamy more challenging than men—and studies backing this claim are beginning to pile up.

Older Studies

Sex researchers often point to studies to prove that men crave novelty more than women. One popular study presents a college student with an attractive stranger and then asks the student if he or she would be willing to have no-strings-attached sex with the stranger. Unsurprisingly, men are more likely to say yes to the tryst than women. But critics have argued that these studies neglect important cultural factors. Women, for example, might be afraid of being alone with a stranger or feel ashamed of their sexual desires. Without controlling for these issues, self-reports don’t provide much insight.

Sex and Culture

The belief that men are more sexual than women hasn’t always been so popular. In the Victorian era, for example, mental health researchers argued that women were much more sexual than men, and women were more likely to be diagnosed with hypersexuality than men. Religious texts present stories of promiscuous women, and sometimes portray women as the more sexual sex, advocating for measures to control women’s sexuality.

Beliefs about sex and sexual behaviors are heavily influenced by sex. In a world where women are penalized for enjoying sex or behaving in a promiscuous fashion, they may be less likely to express sexual desire. And when men are told that they’re more promiscuous or sexual than women, it may serve as a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Recent Research

Recent research is calling conventional wisdom about monogamous women and promiscuous men into question. One recent study, for example, found that women were more aroused by fantasies involving sex with strangers, and a second showed that women favored pornographic images that were novel over those that were familiar.

Losing Interest

Bergner emphasizes that women are more likely to lose interest in sex with their partners than men are, and argues that this may mean monogamy is harder for women than for men. The fact women lose interest in sex has often been used as evidence that they’re less sexual than men. However, it could be that they’re simply less interested in sex with their partners and still entertain an active fantasy life involving new partners. Statistics on infidelity vary, but women and men usually have similar rates, and some studies even claim that women cheat more often than men.

Future Research

Scientists have long sought the holy grail of sexuality treatment: a pill that will increase women’s sexual desire. Some women’s advocates have argued that the fact there’s no female equivalent of Viagra is the product of cultural influence; many women are desperate for something that can bring their libidos back. But it may be that the issue has little to do with biology and everything to do with boredom. Research into how to recharge sexual desire in a stale relationship could be the next step toward helping both men and women maintain satisfying sex lives in monogamous relationships.

References:

1. Bergner, D. (2013, May 26). Unexcited? There may be a pill for that. The New York Times. Retrieved from http://www.nytimes.com/2013/05/26/magazine/unexcited-there-may-be-a-pill-for-that.html?pagewanted=all
2. Dawson, S. J., Suschinsky, K. D., & Lalumière, M. L. (2013). Habituation of sexual responses in men and women: A test of the preparation hypothesis of women’s genital responses. The Journal of Sexual Medicine, 10(4), 990-1000.
3. Marcotte, A. (2013, May 23). Women struggle with monogamy more than men. XX Factor. Retrieved from http://www.slate.com/blogs/xx_factor/2013/05/23/nytimes_on_lybrido_women_get_bored_with_monogamy_faster_than_men.html
4. Valenti, J. (2009). The purity myth: How America’s obsession with virginity is hurting young women. Berkeley, CA: Seal Press.

In a world increasingly centered on a work culture, it can be nearly impossible to fit in quality time with your significant other. An ever-increasing list of chores, stressful jobs, and demands from family, children, and friends can cause your relationship to slide to the back burner.

The challenges of juggling your schedule and your relationship can become even more daunting if you and your significant other work at different times. Freelancers might be perpetually on call, while a partner who works the night shift might struggle with chronic exhaustion. Managing conflicting schedules doesn’t mean giving up on your relationship, though. With a little ingenuity, you can have plenty of quality time together.

Creating a Family Schedule

Creating a goal list and scheduling your day can help you achieve work-related goals, but you can adopt the same system for scheduling time with your partner. Rather than hoping to get some time together when you both have a free moment, try actively scheduling time together and planning activities. Scheduling allows you to anticipate how long a particular activity will take, and encourages you to commit to time with your partner.

Taking Advantage of Flexibility

If you have some flexibility in your work schedule, work with your partner to create a schedule together. This can maximize the number of “off” hours you have at the same time. For example, if you work the night shift and your partner is a freelancer, try asking your partner to schedule meetings at the beginning of your shift so he or she has to spend less time working during your time off.

Prioritizing the Relationship

A never-ending list of tasks and work obligations can be incredibly daunting. Your relationship, however, is an important obligation and a source of emotional well-being. If you’re constantly busy, it’s tempting to refuse to do anything fun until you’ve completed all of your work-related activities. While this might make you efficient, it can also make you unhappy. Treat your relationship the way you treat work, and prioritize time with your significant other, even if it means delaying other tasks.

Taking Time Off

For couples who work different shifts, weekends, holidays, and vacations play a key role in spending time together. Take advantage of your time off, and schedule your breaks so that they coincide with one another. If your partner is a contractor whose busy season is the spring, for example, try constructing your own schedule so that you can take more time off during a less busy time of year.

Regular Communication

If you can’t spend regular time together, brief bursts of communication can help you maintain intimacy and give you a strong incentive to work together to prioritize the relationship. Send your partner text messages during the day, or take a few minutes to chat online or over the phone. A sweet note in your partner’s briefcase or a quick reminder via chat that you love your partner can help you feel close even if you have to spend long hours apart.

Establishing Clear Boundaries

Setting boundaries with your job or your clients is a must if you want to keep your relationship running smoothly. If you have control over your own schedule, ensure that your schedule is as consistent as possible, with clear “on” and “off” hours. Unless it’s an emergency, don’t take work-related phone calls or answer work emails when you’re home. It’s also important to set boundaries with your partner. This doesn’t mean shutting him or her out while you’re at work. Instead, it’s vital to ensure that your partner knows your schedule and knows when you are and aren’t working. This is particularly important for people who work from home or who are on-call. If your partner knows that you’re working or that it’s possible you might get called into work, your job won’t feel like as much of an intrusion.

References:

1. Cooper, S. (2012, May 22). Marriage-saving rules for couples working from home. Forbes. Retrieved from http://www.forbes.com/sites/stevecooper/2012/05/22/marriage-saving-rules-for-couples-working-from-home/
2. Tessina, T. (n.d.). Dr. Romance: Married, different shifts. Divorce360.com. Retrieved from http://www.divorce360.com/divorce-articles/causes-of-divorce/neglect/dr-romance-married-different-shifts.aspx?artid=1642

The pages of women’s magazines are filled with articles offering methods for encouraging men to propose marriage and entire websites are dedicated to increasing a person’s marry-ability. Both men and women can be hesitant about marriage, and when romantic partners have different opinions of marriage, the conflict can be challenging to resolve.

It is possible, however, to have a committed and loving relationship without marriage, and some people who are uncomfortable with marriage ultimately change their minds. A disagreement about marriage doesn’t have to end your relationship, particularly if you both are committed to the relationship.

Avoiding Marriage

If you’re itching to get married and your partner resists, it’s easy to assume there’s a problem with the relationship or that your partner isn’t fully committed to you. These issues could indicate that it’s time to consider moving on. But there are myriad other reasons people are uncomfortable with marriage that have nothing to do with the relationship. Cohabitation is an increasingly popular option; one 2013 study found that 32% of couples chose long-term cohabitation over marriage. Some reasons your partner might be uninterested in marriage include:

• Discomfort with the events that surround a wedding, the costs associated with getting married, or family conflicts that can arise when a couple exchanges vows.
• Fear of divorce.
• Fear of losing one’s individual identity.
• Wanting to “test” the relationship a little longer before taking the plunge.
• Disliking the historical implications of marriage, which include viewing women as property and men as little more than providers.
• A desire to avoid an institution in which some same-sex couples can’t participate.

The Role of Communication

As with so many other relationship issues, open and honest communication is the key to resolving disputes about marriage. You might assume you know your partner’s reason for avoiding marriage, but you don’t really know until you ask. Hearing that your partner is concerned that marriage might change the relationship will likely feel a lot better than simply assuming your partner doesn’t want to get married because he or she doesn’t love you.

And for partners who want to get married, explaining clearly and logically why you want to get married can make a big difference. The benefits of marriage include automatic paternal legitimation for children, significant tax benefits, and shared insurance. Pointing these out to your partner could help, but addressing his or her concerns is equally important. You might be able to come to an agreement about when you’ll reevaluate the marriage question and how you’ll address insecurities and relationship logistics in the meantime.

While you might feel hurt if your partner doesn’t want to marry you, it’s important to consider that marriage might mean something completely different to your partner. Consequently, it’s wise to focus on other ways to get your needs met rather than making marriage a deal-breaker. If, however, you can’t stay in a relationship that doesn’t end in marriage, trying to push the relationship toward marriage can cause it to fall apart. It might be better to end things now.

Addressing Potential Concerns

If you and your partner agree to live together without getting married, you’ll have the freedom to pick and choose which marriage benefits you want to take advantage of and which you want to avoid altogether. A simple contract, for example, can outline who owns what property and how it will be divided if you split up. And if you have a child together, you’ll need to ensure that both parents are listed on the birth certificate or that the nonbiological parent adopts the child. You won’t be able to get tax benefits, but you can still combine your lives in a way that works for both of you.

References:

1. Aleccia, J. (2013, April 4). “The new normal”: Cohabitation on the rise, study finds. NBC News. Retrieved from http://www.nbcnews.com/health/new-normal-cohabitation-rise-study-finds-1C9208429?franchiseSlug=healthmain
2. Roberts, S. (2013, April 9). Against marriage: A ring does not define a relationship. The XX Factor. Retrieved from http://www.slate.com/blogs/xx_factor/2013/04/09/the_case_against_marriage_a_ring_doesn_t_define_a_relationship.html
3. Schwyzer, H. (2011, February 16). Why some men don’t want to get married. Alternet. Retrieved from http://www.alternet.org/story/149941/why_some_men_don’t_want_to_get_married

Tornado season is well underway, initiated this year by the recent tornado in Moore, Oklahoma, but severe storms and natural disasters can happen at any time. These events leave residents devastated and entire communities completely decimated. Round-the-clock news coverage tends to fade afterward, making it easy to forget about these events altogether. But for the people who survive massive disasters, the consequences last much longer than the news cycle, and extend much deeper than property damage and scrapes.

Shock

In the immediate aftermath of a natural disaster, the first reaction is often a combination of shock and denial. Sometimes this can make it challenging to take the necessary steps to begin picking up the pieces—calling insurance, assessing what property was lost, even finding temporary housing. But shock tends to give way to much stronger feelings, which can hit days, weeks, or months after a disaster strikes.

Feelings of Insecurity

Home is a place that most people spend their entire lives believing is a place of safety and refuge. But when a storm comes tearing through your house, this security can go out the window. People who have survived storms may experience nightmares, anxiety, extreme concerns about storm safety, or obsessive preparation to avoid the next disaster. The insecurity can be especially pronounced in children, who may feel constantly unsafe.

Posttraumatic Stress

Extreme stress is common in the aftermath of a storm. But when it persists for months, it can lead to posttraumatic stress (PTSD). People with PTSD may experience flashbacks to the storms, panic attacks, an extreme startle reflex, persistent avoidance of things that remind them of the storm, and anxiety and depression. PTSD can also interfere with a person’s ability to control emotions, leading to angry outbursts or crying spells, for example.

Other Mental Health Conditions

PTSD isn’t the only long-term consequence of surviving a natural disaster. For people already experiencing a mental illness, a traumatic event can make symptoms worse. And for others, a natural disaster can spark depression, extreme stress, generalized anxiety, eating and food issues, obsessive-compulsion, and a host of other problems. Sometimes these issues arise as a result of a person’s attempts to control the environment after a storm takes away control.

Effects on First Responders

Storm survivors aren’t the only people who suffer when a natural disaster hits. People who are on the scene at the time of the storm or who witness the immediate aftermath—including first responders such as police officers and fire fighters as well as the media—can also experience psychological symptoms. They could be haunted by people they were unable to save, by images of injured people, or by the massive nature of the destruction. Some witnesses may even feel guilt that someone else’s home or life was destroyed but theirs wasn’t. The symptoms for witnesses and first responders are often the same, including PTSD, depression, and other mental health conditions, and people who are present in the aftermath of a storm may need as much help and support as the victims.

References:

1. Hellmich, N. (2013, May 21). Kids who survived tornado face emotional after-effects. USA Today. Retrieved from usatoday.com/story/news/nation/2013/05/21/psychologist-impact-kids-disasters/2346773/
2. Pearson, C. (2013, May 21). Oklahoma tornado PTSD: How survivors are coping. The Huffington Post. Retrieved from huffingtonpost.com/2013/05/21/oklahoma-tornado-ptsd_n_3314640.html
3. Rossi, B. (n.d.). The psychological aftermath of the Oklahoma tornados. WSJ This Morning RSS. Retrieved from blogs.wsj.com/wsjam/2013/05/22/the-psychological-aftermath-of-the-oklahoma-tornados/

Alfred Kinsey reported that men hit their sexual prime in their late teens, while women don’t get that pleasure until their mid-thirties. But does the 60-year-old research that Kinsey conducted still hold true today? Was it even true back then?

According to Dr. Bella Ellwood-Clayton, a sexual anthropologist and author, the results of Kinsey’s research probably did not consider the myriad of other factors that influence sexual peak. Even though measuring the amount of orgasms a person has is a pretty good indicator, is not the only barometer by which to gauge sexual appetite.

Ellwood-Clayton says that at the time of the study, boys were masturbating and 30-something women were probably finding their own identities in stable relationships. For the first time in their lives, they were comfortable with their own sexuality. Today, women are finding this level of comfort at even older ages that extend well into their 50s, 60s, and beyond.

Opportunity is another factor that has a big impact on libido. When the opportunity for sex is unavailable, you can lose your desire. Raising children or being in a hostile or abusive relationship can cause even blazing sexual desires to smolder to ashes. But with the peak in sexual medications and the revival of sexual promiscuity in the older generation, it appears that sexual peaks are based more on social psychology than on physical ability.

Sure, men might have more testosterone than women and younger women might be a little more hormonally balanced than older women. But with hormone replacement therapy, physical health, and the right bed-fellow, people of all ages are reporting great sex drives. And there is an awful lot to be said about sexual maturity, which can add intense pleasure to sexual encounters (think Mrs. Robinson).

Overall, Ellwood-Clayton and other experts think that sexual peaks are not simply biological, but more the result of spiritual, physical, emotional, and biological components all aligning at just the right time. “Sexual prime, then, is the result of ‘sexiness.’ And that,” adds Ellwood-Clayton, “can peak at any age.”

Reference:
Ellwood-Clayton, Bella. (2013). Sexual prime: Fact or fiction. Huffington Post (n.d.): n. pag. Web http://www.huffingtonpost.com/bella-ellwoodclayton/sexual-prime_b_3424410.html

While traditional video games typically require only brief periods of investment from players and don’t involve developing a new persona, online role-playing games tend to be much more time-intensive and require a strong emotional investment. These games encourage players to become a character—often one who is very different from a player’s real-life persona—and often have no end point. They can be played for hours, days, or even years, with characters networking with others to develop a virtual world that may feel more comfortable than the real one. The games can prove addictive and may interfere with real-life responsibilities, but they also offer several benefits, with some people finding that they master new skills online.

Adopting a New Persona
The hallmark of a role-playing game is that players adopt personas for their characters rather than playing as one or several pre-established characters. Depending on the game, players may be able to write their character’s life story, choose their character’s specific appearance, and take on a wide variety of personality traits. Some players view this as an opportunity to experience what it’s like to be a completely different person. Men might become women, for example, and young people might choose to be elderly.

This investment in the new persona can, however, be problematic for some players. A player who feels isolated or who is unsatisfied with his or her life might become more invested in the character and the character’s friends than he/she is in real life. Players who spend too much time on the game might abandon their own personal development and friends in favor of developing their characters and making friends for their characters.

Effects on Relationships
A Brigham Young University found that 75% of people involved in a relationship with a role-playing game player wish their partner spent less time playing the game. The intense nature of these games and the fact the time commitment is limitless means relationships can take a hit. Some players may even develop romantic relationships for their characters while playing the game, and these relationships can disturb real-life partnerships.

However, all is not lost when it comes to RPGs and relationships. The same BYU study also found that 76% of couples who played role-playing games together believed that it strengthened their relationship. Working together in this new, mutually experienced environment can make a relationship feel new and fresh, and gives couples a shared pursuit.

Addictive Nature
Role-playing games, like many other behaviors, can become addictive. Successful players generally have to spend a lot of time on the game and may spend hours networking with other players. This time commitment increases the likelihood that a player may become addicted, and the pressure from other players to keep playing the game can make it difficult to pull away.

Benefits of Role-Playing Games
Although many parents are concerned about their children playing RPGs and despite a significant amount of negative press coverage, RPGs also offer some important benefits. These include:

• Improved spatial reasoning skills, particularly for female players.
• The ability to establish new friendships and practice social skills. This can be particularly helpful for people who feel awkward or lonely.
• Increased empathy toward people with different lifestyles or appearances. By adopting a new persona, a player may be able to learn what life could be like for another person.
• Developing strategy and critical-thinking skills as players develop complex solutions to ongoing challenges.

References:

1. Billieux, J., Chanal, J., Khazaal, Y., Rochat, L., Gay, P., Zullino, D., & Van der Linden, M. (2011). Psychological Predictors of Problematic Involvement in Massively Multiplayer Online Role-Playing Games: Illustration in a Sample of Male Cybercafé Players.Psychopathology, 44(3), 165-171. doi: 10.1159/000322525
2. Dupuis, E. C., & Ramsey, M. A. (2011). The Relation of Social Support to Depression in Massively Multiplayer Online Role-Playing Games. Journal of Applied Social Psychology, 41(10), 2479-2491. doi: 10.1111/j.1559-1816.2011.00821.x
3. Feng, J., Spence, I., & Pratt, J. (2007). Playing an Action Video Game Reduces Gender Differences in Spatial Cognition. Psychological Science, 18(10), 850-855. doi: 10.1111/j.1467-9280.2007.01990.x
4. Online role-playing games hurt marital satisfaction, says BYU study. (n.d.). Brigham Young University. Retrieved from http://news.byu.edu/archive12-feb-mmorpgs.aspx

Talk to any pet lover and he or she will tell you that pets make life richer and better. But pets aren’t just a source of fun and an occasional source of extra work. Animals can play important roles in helping people recover from illness, making medical visits less stressful, and relieving social isolation. Although a wide variety of animals have been used in therapeutic settings, therapy dogs are the most popular option, and there’s strong evidence that a therapy dog can make a huge difference in a person’s quality of life.

What Are Therapy Dogs?

A therapy dog is any dog used in a therapeutic setting to improve treatment outcomes. Some are trained to complete specific tasks, while others are just well-behaved dogs. There’s no specific breed, size, or age requirement for a dog to become a therapy dog. Some are raised and specifically trained to provide therapeutic services, while others are just pets visiting a nursing home or rehabilitation center over the weekend.

What Do They Do?

Therapy dogs are hugely diverse and can fill a wide variety of functions. Some visit people living in nursing homes and respite facilities, providing companionship and a brief opportunity to pet an animal. Others work with children in crisis. For example, some child-abuse centers provide a chance for children to talk to therapy dogs, rather than people, about their abuse. Some prisons have established therapeutic pet-ownership programs in which a prisoner cares for an abandoned or unwanted dog or puppy. Some dogs are highly trained and work as seizure-alert dogs for people with epilepsy or as assistance dogs for people with sensory limitations. Dogs also have been used to help war veterans experiencing posttraumatic stress and other issues. These dogs sometimes undergo years of training before they’re placed with an owner.

What Are the Benefits?

Dogs have a soothing effect on people. The simple act of petting a dog can ease symptoms of depression and anxiety. The benefits of therapy dogs are overwhelming, and include:

• Increasing independence
• Decreasing symptoms of anxiety, depression, and other mental health issues
• Reducing stress
• Improving physical health
• Providing companionship for lonely or isolated people
• Providing a safe opportunity for people—particularly children—to talk about uncomfortable topics
• Providing comfort to people who are anxious about receiving medical care

Can Your Dog Be a Therapy Dog?

There are several organizations that certify dogs as therapy dogs, but not all dogs are certified. Some nursing homes, for example, recruit owners of well-behaved dogs to bring their dogs in a few times a week or month. In most cases, though, your dog will need to pass a temperament test and show no signs of aggression or fear toward people or other animals. Some dogs may need more intense training. For example, therapy dogs that work with children might have to learn how to tolerate being hugged tightly and master the art of not jumping on a rambunctious child.

Guide dogs usually undergo a year or two of training before moving in with a permanent owner. Several organizations recruit families who are willing to put in the time and effort to train a guide dog. However, they have to give up the dog when it’s time for him or her to move in with a permanent owner.

References:

1. Getting started. (n.d.). Therapy Dogs International. Retrieved from http://www.tdi-dog.org/About.aspx?Page=Getting+Started
2. Perceptions of the impact of pet therapy on residents/patients and staff in facilities visited by therapy dogs [PDF]. (n.d.). Flanders: Therapy Dogs International.
3. Walsh, P. G., & Mertin, P. G. (1994). The Training of Pets as Therapy Dogs in a Women’s Prison: A Pilot Study. Anthrozoos: A Multidisciplinary Journal of The Interactions of People & Animals, 7(2), 124-128. doi: 10.2752/089279394787002014
4. What is a therapy dog? (n.d.). Therapy Dogs of Vermont. Retrieved from http://www.therapydogs.org/index.php?option=com_content

can work wonders in a relationship, helping each partner to see the other’s perspective and empowering a couple to adopt love-affirming habits that meet one another’s needs. Relationship experts and therapists may recommend couples counseling for a broad variety of issues ranging from financial problems to infidelity, and some people view couples counseling as the panacea that will cure an ailing marriage.

If your spouse won’t go to marriage counseling, you might feel betrayed or unwanted, but pushing your spouse into counseling against his or her will can be just as damaging as the problems that led you to therapy in the first place. Instead, it’s best to try to work through the resistance as a couple and, if all else fails, try going by yourself.

Talking About It
If your spouse won’t go to therapy, your feelings of rejection can quickly get in the way of investigating your spouse’s feelings. Rather than assuming you know why he or she won’t go therapy, talk about the issue instead. Some people are concerned that therapy will make their marriage worse, while others feel that therapy is a stigmatizing process. Once you understand the reason your spouse won’t go, you can work through the issue together and decide whether therapy is a wise choice.

Alternatives to Therapy
Although therapy can improve your marriage, it’s not the only thing that works. Talk to your spouse and see if he or she might be willing to try an alternative approach. You might, for example, have a weekly meeting during which you talk about the state of your relationship, each resolve to do a favor for the other every day, take 10 minutes each day to listen to your spouse’s feelings, or spend the money you would spend on therapy on a romantic weekly outing. Spending quality time together and validating one another’s feelings can improve your marriage even without therapy, and are two of the skills many marriage counselors focus on.

When to Worry
There’s a big difference between refusing therapy and refusing to work on the marriage. But if your spouse refuses to make any changes, to talk about issues within your relationship, or to adopt any strategy at all designed to help your marriage, this is a problem. Refusing to make any changes at all and ignoring a spouse’s legitimate needs is a form of emotional abuse. However, it could be that your spouse is feeling down about your marriage or depressed. Whether refusing to work on the marriage is a controlling, manipulative tactic or the product of hopelessness, you can benefit from going to therapy without your spouse.

Going Alone
Marriage isn’t always equal, and there may be times when you or your spouse works harder on the relationship. If you want to improve your marriage, working on yourself—even without your spouse—can be a powerful first step. As you begin to make changes, your spouse’s behavior may also change. And in some cases, your spouse might be so curious about what happens in therapy that he or she feels compelled to go with you. Even if your spouse never goes to therapy, however, going alone can help you deal with the stress of marital problems and, if your spouse refuses to work on these problems, help you figure out your next steps.

References:

1. Bernstein, E. (2012, March 6). Couples therapy for one: To fix a marriage, some go alone. The Wall Street Journal. Retrieved from http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052970203458604577263303967929424.html
2. What to do when your spouse won’t go to marriage counseling. (n.d.). Guy Stuff at CCRG. Retrieved from http://www.guystuffcenter.com/2012/03/what-to-do-when-your-spouse-wont-go-to-marriage-counseling/

Have you ever thrown a casual “I miss you,” or “I wish you were here” to your partner when, in that moment, you did not miss them or wish they were with you? Spouses and partners who have been together for some time may find themselves using this form of interaction, called “deceptive affection,” in their relationships on a regular basis. Rather than hurting the other’s feelings, one partner may find it easier and more tactful to say what they think their partner wants to hear. When getting dressed up for an evening out, is it okay to tell your spouse that they look amazing when you don’t really think so? The answers are mixed.

Deceptive affection is not altogether bad, according to some experts. It can fulfill needs and placate attention-seeking. It can boost self-esteem and quell fights. But when used as a way to avoid true feelings, it can become troublesome to the relationship. Couples that engage in deceptive affection, including public displays of affection, just to keep up the appearance of being truly in love, can actually increase the emotional distance that exists between them. If lying about feelings toward one another becomes commonplace, then lying in other areas of the relationship may become accepted behavior as well.

Psychologist Mansi Hasan believes that couples would prefer deceptive affection over distance and resentment. “However,” adds Hasan, “deceptive affection cannot make a relationship last; after a while it may become difficult to mask your real feelings.” This is where the problems can arise. Hasan suggests that partners try to decrease their use of deceptive affection and foster real, genuine affection by staying in touch with their true feelings and finding ways to rekindle the romantic love that once existed between them.

Other helpful strategies include letting go of anger once a conflict has been resolved and to avoid comparing the relationship to those of friends or family members, or previous relationships. It’s okay to embellish a little. But when embellishing turns into complete fabrication, it might be time to take a closer look at what’s really going on in the relationship.

Reference:
Can Deceptive Affection Destroy Relationships? (2013). India.com (n.d.): n. pag. http://www.dnaindia.com/lifestyle/1833990/report-can-deceptive-affection-destroy-relationships

May is Mental Health Awareness Month, a time to recognize a range of issues—depression, bipolar, and schizophrenia among them—and the effects they have not only on the people personally experiencing and struggling with them, but on society at large. But what does it mean to be aware of mental health, exactly, and how does that awareness manifest?

Events in the news regularly challenge our perceptions of mental health, or what we may perceive as a deficit thereof. From the marathon bombings in Boston to the Newtown tragedy to the discovery of three women held in captivity in Cleveland for nearly a decade, some of the most compelling stories in recent times have been widely associated with mental health concerns. In some cases these concerns relate to victims, in others to perpetrators of violent acts. In almost all cases, though, an initial wave of outrage gives way to apathy and disconnect as the story fades from public consciousness.

While dedicating a month to mental health awareness is nice, it’s clearly not enough. We wanted to know what our Topic Experts had to say about the matter, so we asked them the following questions: What does mental health awareness mean to you as a mental health practitioner? Is awareness, in your estimation, on the rise or decreasing in recent years? Why? What obstacles do therapists and nontherapists alike face in their efforts to increase awareness of mental health issues? What can be done to combat stigma?

Their responses follow:

• Sarah Swenson (autism spectrum): “I work as a psychotherapist with gifted children and adults. This is one of the most underserved populations in the entire area of mental health. Gifted children are routinely misdiagnosed with ADHD, OCD, impulse control disorder, and even disorders of the personality. Often, these children are medicated. This creates a chain of events with effects that extend well into the future. … It is not only to the general public that the topic of mental health awareness is significant. It is also of importance to our health care providers and the medical schools that train new practitioners. Only through the addition of coursework in the identification and clinical presentations of intellectual giftedness will the tide turn. If physicians know what they are looking at, their diagnoses and referrals will change, and children who need no medication in the first place will benefit because they will no longer be medicated into altered states that create negative environments for their giftedness to blossom and grow.”
• Tom Wooldridge (systems theory / therapy and family-of-origin issues): “What is mental health awareness? For me, it has two components. First, we pay attention to our own mental health. What is the legacy of mental illness in my own family-of-origin and how does it affect my day-to-day life? How am I dealing with the experiences—both positive and negative—that I had growing up? What is my attitude toward my own emotional difficulties? Am I able to relate to them nonjudgmentally and with compassion? Second, we recognize the impact of mental illness and emotional suffering on those around us—friends, family, and the larger community—and begin to struggle with the question of how this awareness can inform our day-to-day lives. What are our attitudes toward those we encounter who are struggling with severe mental illness? Over time, we hope to find ways to support them in their struggles and to recognize our ultimate interconnectedness.”
• Stephen L. Salter (values clarification / eating and food issues): “The efforts of the mental health awareness project, while coming from a caring place, can do more to obscure awareness than promote it. Sure, it might be useful to understand ‘bipolar’ and ‘depression,’ but the effort becomes counterproductive if it is not contextualized within the much larger question, ‘What does it mean to be human?’ Perhaps we’d be better served to offer a month contemplating that question. We assign some really strange names to people—like ‘schizophrenic.’ More often than not, it further exiles the ‘mentally ill’ into a class of otherness. To truly understand mental health, the first diagnosis must always be human.”
• Deb Hirschhorn (relationships and marriage): “The stigma must come out of ‘mental health’ in people’s minds. The recent mass murderers needed help long before they became adults—and the help came too little, too late if it came at all. Here is what should happen instead: School counselors should be vigilant and then call parents in to discuss their children when something seems not right about a child. However—and this is a big however—it should be handled in a way that does not make the parents feel ‘one-down,’ but rather with great humility and kindness on the counselor’s part. The message should be sympathetic to whatever the parents and child may be experiencing. After all, if the child is being bullied at school or excluded from cliques, the child may need help with social skills and the parents may themselves not be strong in this area. This is nothing to be ashamed of: We all have our strengths and our weaknesses, and that point should be made to them. I, for example, can’t sing on key to save my life, and these parents may be great musicians. Not everyone is great in the social area, parents included, and even ones who have those skills may not have the skill of passing it on to their children. School counselors should be referring such children as soon as the problem becomes evident, even as early as kindergarten, and the referral should be geared toward handling difficult social and academic situations, dealing with abuse at home, and self-esteem building. It should not automatically include a prescription for medication. Therapists of all stripes must recognize the inherent value in talk therapy so that we can promote that message to the public.”
• Deborah Klinger (eating and food issues): “I believe that mental health awareness is increasing. High school counselors whom I’ve come in contact with are knowledgeable and concerned about students’ mental health issues, and the universities in my area have excellent campus counseling services that liaise with psychotherapists in the community. None of this was the case when I was in high school or college. The National Association of Mental Illness (NAMI) holds local family-to-family support groups for family members of mentally ill persons. And I hear mention and discussion of depression, bipolar, eating disorders, etc., everywhere—in national news media, online, and in day-to-day conversation. Not only has awareness of mental health issues increased, but so has understanding and acceptance.”
• Lynn Somerstein (object relations): “Thanks for asking about mental health awareness. I am sad people remain largely uninformed about mental health issues and are often reluctant to seek help because of the stigma that still comes with the territory. Treatment should be made more available, too, to those who want help but can’t afford it. Many therapists make private, sliding-scale arrangements for those without health insurance, but what we really need is better government health care and education about the many different avenues available—from talk therapies to medication.”
• Olga Gonithellis (creative blocks): “Reflect, talk, act! This month is an excellent opportunity for every one of us to reflect upon the importance of mental health, to start talking, and to take action. One of the common misconceptions is that talking about it creates it. There is an irrational fear that by sharing knowledge and information about mental illness, one will reinforce its existence. However, opening up communication and sharing facts and experiences are helpful tools in dealing with all sorts of psychiatric conditions, from depression to panic and from body dysmorphia to schizophrenia. Using my area of interest as an example, there is growing scientific research regarding the prevalence of psychiatric issues in performers and creative individuals. By encouraging a genuine curiosity about this topic, we are able to dispel myths and to discover realities. Artists have been able to receive help and guidance on concerns such as performance anxiety, low self-esteem associated with stress in the entertainment industry, the connection between mood and creativity, and more. Similarly, there are many other topics related to what impacts mental health that need to be addressed in our homes, our schools, and our communities. However, without awareness and a nonjudgmental approach, we will not get very far. Let us use this month as a chance to reflect, talk, and act!”
• Andre S. Judice (posttraumatic stress / trauma and energy psychology): “Mental health awareness is the recognition that our psychological well-being is an important part of our own health, productivity, and happiness, as well as the well-being of our communities. In my opinion, mental health awareness is on the rise in our country. Certainly, recent events across our nation have called this issue to the forefront as we are forced to consider the motivations of people who set out to harm others. Unfortunately, it seems that to this day in our culture too few people understand the factors that contribute to or hamper good mental health. On the other hand, our efforts to increase people’s awareness of these factors, as well as the various ways that we can each be more psychologically well, seem to be taking hold. … I believe that one obstacle to increasing mental health awareness is in the various belief systems (be they entrenched family beliefs, religious beliefs, or other beliefs held by a given group) that lead people to adhere to ineffective and antiquated value systems in which others are told that they don’t need outside assistance but merely willpower to be better and help from within the group itself. In these situations, people needing more effective ways to improve their mental well-being miss important assistance and opportunities. Certainly, stigma associated with reaching out for help is another obstacle which seems best resolved with increasing numbers of people being open about their own utilization of mental help support systems.”
• Shannon McQuade (addictions and compulsions): “It would be helpful to simply acknowledge that we all have a nervous system that, like anything else in the body, can break down. We are all at risk for mental health issues. Like cancer, some are more vulnerable than others. Many people have been rushed to the emergency room believing they were having a heart attack, only to discover that they were actually having a panic attack. A mental assessment should be part of a regular doctor visit, with referrals made to specialists as needed. If everyone was being screened as though it were no big deal, we would see attitudes change. Additionally, an increasing number of mental health professionals are ‘coming out of the closet’ and risking exposure to put a face on mental health issues, letting people know that we (myself included) who struggle with these issues can lead full, happy, productive lives if we have the right resources. Dr. Marsha Linehan, developer of dialectical behavior therapy, announced in 2011 that she had struggled with borderline personality issues, a diagnosis that carries a very heavy stigma and is difficult to treat. Though she had been apprehensive in sharing this (with good reason) early in her career, she decided that sharing her experience and recovery would bring hope to others. I think this a great example of self-disclosure that is helpful to our clients and to the public in general.”
• Marian Stansbury (imago relationship therapy): “It appears the awareness of mental health has been increasing over the years, especially influenced by people like Oprah. Being aware of not only what we’re feeling in our bodies, but also in our emotions and in our thoughts, is critical for good mental health. An obstacle to this is when we judge ourselves as having something wrong with us and then have too much embarrassment or shame to ask for the support we need. Or, we worry about what others would think if they found out. Just as we go to medical doctors when we have pains in our bodies, it’s important to seek out mental health professionals when we’re having disturbing emotions and/or relationships. A quick quiz to assess our mental health: (1) Do we scan our bodies for tension and ask what might be causing us to tighten up? (2) Do we use the principles of rational thinking that will lead to more positive emotions? (3) Do we check our emotional levels each day? (4) Do we ask ourselves how we’re treating others? How we’re treating ourselves? These aspects all comprise good mental health. Meditation and exercise are two important ways to be more mentally aware and to assess these different aspects.”
• J. D. Murphy (drug and alcohol addiction): “Tragedies such as that seen in the recent Newtown school shooting that continue to make the headlines over recent months and years leads this therapist to conclude that the progress needed in the treatment of mental illness is far from where it needs to be! This despite the growing availability of effective treatment, mental health professionals, and treatment facilities. One would have to question if this escalation is due, at least in part, to the stigma that many place upon the thought of being considered to have a mental illness, or, for that matter, to even have a family member or close friend who is challenged by such. Undoubtedly, recent cutbacks in the funding of programs designed to provide treatment for those struggling with a mental or addictive disorder has and continues to have an adverse impact on these populations. Schools, communities, organizations, churches, and, yes, even governmental entities must begin to work together in more effective efforts to raise awareness, normalize, destigmatize, provide funding for and treat such individuals.”
• Angela Lee Skurtu (relational psychotherapy and sexuality / sex therapy): “Mental health awareness includes both awareness of the number of people affected by mental health issues and the need for affordable interventions. For example, major depression affects approximately 14.8 million American adults every year. The National Institute of Mental Heath (NIMH) reports that it is the leading cause of disability in the U.S. for adults and teens. However, many insurance plans will not provide a minimum number of therapy sessions for mental health. … Other obstacles include public perceptions of therapy and a tendency for bad therapy to have wide ripple effects. When clients experience bad therapy, they share that information with others. This further reinforces the stigma already attached to mental health. Compound this with images of therapy in the media, and we have further misunderstandings. … To combat stigma, we need to improve our field. We need to increase funding for research and consistently publish new research in magazines aimed toward the public. We need to put that research into practice in our daily treatment. When we get better at treating mental health issues, people will see the value of what we do and mental health diagnoses will be seen as what they are: health issues that benefit from treatment.”
• Kelley Garry Marschall (worry): “Part of therapy is meeting people ‘where they are at.’ And these days, people are incredibly busy. Folks worry they’re not doing enough at home, work, and in their communities. Mental health clinicians hanging on to the gold standard of workday office appointments as the only way to help people is no longer meeting people where they are. It just creates more stress. We can email, Skype, and talk on the phone with our physicians about our physical health; why not talk to our clinician about our mental health? If practitioners can be less ‘couch bound’ and more open, with a client’s permission, to using multiple modes of communication to help people, the more accessible, open, and everyday mental health becomes. Tossing the couch may help the stigma fade away in the bright sunshine of everyday accessibility.”
• Tonya Lapido (relational psychotherapy and multicultural concerns): “In 2004, none of my clients referred their friends or family to me. People said the same thing over and over: ‘You’re a great therapist but I’m not telling anyone that I’m in therapy.’ Previously, our society equated mental health with ‘being crazy.’ While some maintain that perspective, it is also countered with the understanding of mental health as part of health. The discussion of wellness and work/life balance brings mental health to the forefront as an aspect of life that needs attention. … I recently attended a large business luncheon. I was the only therapist, and as I described my services the conversation quickly turned to the stigma associated with therapy. Three people stood up and said that they had previously been in therapy and found it useful. They weren’t shunned but applauded. Everyone literally applauded them for being open about their experience with mental health. … Though some stigma remains around mental health and its treatment, our society is moving in the right direction. In 2013, I have seen a rise in word-of-mouth referrals in my practice. People are telling others not only about the benefits of therapy but also that they themselves are in therapy!”
• Irene Hansen Savarese (communication problems): “Awareness of self is essential for change. May is Mental Health Awareness Month. As a marriage counselor and a relationship specialist, awareness of self in my work with couples and families stands out. … When clients ask a therapist for help, they are very much aware that something in their relationship isn’t right. Often partners are focused on what the other is doing wrong or not doing right. They’ll tell me that they don’t feel understood and that they don’t feel respected by their partner. Most partners feel that they have tried everything to fix their partner in the hope of fixing their relationship. … In my initial sessions with partners, I talk about the importance of each partner developing an awareness of himself or herself rather than focusing on what the other should be doing differently. I also look at how they react to each other in conflict situations and whether they manage to keep connected and engaged. These are important first steps to ensure an attitude conducive to partners being able to reach out to each other and work as a team.”
• Sarah Noel (person-centered / Rogerian therapy): “As I see it, mental health awareness is about educating the public on mental health issues, treatment options, and success stories. The more information people have about mental health issues, the better able they will be to recognize signs and symptoms, in both themselves and others. Further, the more information people have about treatment options and success stories, the more hope they will have. Hope is a powerful thing and often leads people to therapy. … Like many issues, I think the stigma associated with mental health issues has declined as awareness has increased. I think one way to continue the decline of stigma is to look at ‘mental illness’ in context. For example, a child who is raised by neglectful, unloving parents may become fiercely independent, requiring little from anyone. This is incredibly adaptive behavior that will allow this child to survive; however, taken into adulthood this behavior can create myriad personal and professional relationship issues. Failure to succeed personally and/or professionally might lead to depression. Understanding ‘mental illness’ as something that was once adaptive but simply no longer works is empowering, not stigmatizing—if you were able to adapt in the past, you can do so again.”

What do you think about what our Topic Experts shared? What does mental health awareness mean to you? Let us know your thoughts in the comments section below.

The green-eyed monster of envy is often viewed as an emotion that leads to bad behavior. Envy can also be painful for those experiencing it. Longing for a new home or enviously watching friends post vacation photos on Facebook can slowly eat away at your self-esteem and harm your relationships with others.

Envy and jealousy may be used interchangeably, but there’s actually a meaningful distinction. While jealousy is the fear of losing something you already have – such as a spouse – envy is pain over something you don’t have – a flashy car, a perfect family, or a good marriage. Social networking can increase envy, and the media often fuels feelings of envy by parading an endless supply of things you do not, or cannot, have. You don’t have to permanently live with envy. There are several things you can do to cope with the overwhelming emotions that come with it.

[fat_widget_right]Deconstruct It
When you feel that first pang of envy, don’t ignore it, but don’t continue feeding it. Instead, try to deconstruct it. What’s really behind the envy? Envy can tell you a lot about what you want – a vacation, a successful spouse, a new job. And if you listen to your feelings of envy and interrogate them, you’re more likely to arrive at useful information about yourself. Question why you’re feeling envy, what is missing in your own life, and if any other emotions – such as anxiety or frustration – could partially account for your envious feelings.

Focus on Gratitude
You might not have a million dollar beach house, but you do have something to be grateful for; everyone does. Rather than fixating on what you don’t have, make gratitude a long-term strategy. Make a list of things you’re grateful for – no matter how small – each day. And when you feel pangs of envy, replace each envious thought with a moment of gratitude for something fabulous about your own life.

Get a Reality Check
When you’re marveling at someone’s social networking profile or alumni newsletter update, it’s easy to forget that everyone has a public and private face. We all strive to put our best face forward. That classmate or co-worker who seems to have an amazing life may be secretly struggling. Don’t believe the hype about other people. Instead, realize that everyone struggles with something and you might not know what the inside view of another person’s life is.

Decide What You Want
Rather than wallowing in envy, resolve to take steps to get your own life on track. Envy can be a positive emotion when it empowers healthy goal-setting. When you’re feeling envious, ask yourself what it is about another person’s life that you envy, then make a list of the steps you can take to reach your goals. By taking a minuscule step every day, you can get on track to have the life you want, of which you can be proud.

Help Others
While there may always be people who have things you don’t have, there are also almost certainly people who have much less than you. Helping others can offer an effective perspective adjustment. It also feels good all on its own. Try volunteering at a homeless shelter or soup kitchen, and use your volunteer experience as an opportunity to take stock of all you have instead of all that you’re lacking.

References:

1. Controlling envy. (n.d.). Dr. Phil.com. Retrieved from http://drphil.com/articles/article/340
2. Keeping envy and jealousy under control. (n.d.). University of Rochester Medical Center. Retrieved from http://www.urmc.rochester.edu/encyclopedia/content.aspx?ContentTypeID=1
3. Matousek, M. (2012, May 29). When friends get rich or famous (or both). Psychology Today. Retrieved from http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/ethical-wisdom/201205/when-friends-get-rich-or-famous-or-both

Chances are most of what you think you know about therapy is misrepresented in the media. Why? Because pop culture’s idea of what goes on in the therapy room is largely based on fictional therapists. In short, good TV and movies depict bad therapy. The dramas—made famous by fictional therapists—that interest viewers portray the qualities that would be harmful to real-life people in therapy (and most likely would get those therapists in legal trouble).

Below are the top five lies that you may have learned about therapists on television and in movies, followed by a more realistic view of therapy:

Lie No. 1: Therapists can’t be trusted to keep your secrets or respect your privacy. Television and movie therapists are often portrayed as devious or self-serving. On Mad Men, Don Draper’s wife was seeing psychiatrist Dr. Arnold Wayne, who then reported the details of their sessions to Draper (this one tops the list).

The reality: Therapists are ethically bound to maintain confidentiality. What is said in a therapy session will never be shared with anyone else without your permission. The exception to this rule is when someone is in danger, as in the case of child abuse, for example. Legitimate therapists will explain the limitations of confidentiality at your first session.

[fat_widget_right] Lie No. 2: Therapists’ foibles, oddities, and mistakes are the norm. The media often portray therapists as incompetent, either because they are pompous or because they just aren’t effective in therapy. Sometimes they’re depicted simply as being off-the-wall. The most obvious example of an incompetent therapist is the delusional Tobias Fünke on Arrested Development—a failed psychiatrist with multiple phobias and a total blindness to the problems in his marriage and family. Mind you, Tobias is a hilarious character (and that is the point)—but there’s nothing therapist-like about him.

The reality: Therapists are highly educated, normal people. In general, therapists hold either a doctorate or a master’s degree in psychology or a subspecialty (such as marriage and family therapy), and they are required to take continuing education courses on a regular basis to keep their skills and licenses current—a license is required in most states. Therapists are bound by the ethical standards of their profession as well as by local and federal laws. While perfection might be desired by a person in therapy, therapists are human just like everyone else.

Lie No. 3: Your therapist will fix your problems. Fictional therapists on TV and in movies tell people in therapy what to do, taking for granted they “have the answer.” Even Dr. Phil (who is not fictional) primarily lectures and offers advice on his show.

The reality: A good therapist will assist you in finding your own answers. Your therapist might occasionally offer a suggestion about changing a behavior, or give you “homework” to try out between sessions (this isn’t advice, but a directive). It is much more likely that if you ask your therapist for advice, he or she will help you explore your own inner knowledge about what is best for you in a given situation. Each therapist has his or her own style. And there are different therapies that prescribe a more direct vs. indirect approach.

Lie No. 4: Your therapist will become very involved in your life as your on-call crisis manager. Many TV therapists are portrayed as being intimately involved in the day-to-day dramas of people’s lives, taking endless phone calls to help the client resolve a sticky situation. In the comedies Analyze This and What About Bob? this concept is taken to an extreme, as the therapists become overly involved and react defensively to people’s needy behaviors.

The reality: Therapists maintain therapeutic boundaries in order for therapy to be effective. The therapist will explain his/her policies at your first visit. Most likely, your interaction with your therapist will be limited to scheduled visits, which are typically just once a week, but short five- or 10-minute calls between sessions are usually not prohibited (this is an individual therapist courtesy). Therapists often do respond to crisis calls when deemed appropriate to do so. It is good practice to ask your therapist how he or she handles these issues if you are uncertain.

Lie No. 5: Your therapist might become romantically or sexually involved with you. It’s easy to think, from the examples we see on TV and in the movies, that most therapists end up in romantic entanglements with people in treatment. As an example, in the blockbuster romance The Prince of Tides, the psychiatrist played by Barbra Streisand begins therapy with her client’s brother and eventually has a sexual fling with him.

The reality: Therapists are ethically bound to avoid dual relationships or sexual contact with people in therapy. A dual relationship refers to a situation in which the therapist interacts with a person in therapy in a way that may be harmful to the person. In general, this is highly frowned upon by therapeutic ethics. No therapist should engage in a romantic or sexual relationship with you while you are in treatment with him/her.

“My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far today, I have finished two bags of M&M’s and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.”
—Dave Barry

So, how are you supposed to feel safe and keep pace with all these potential issues? First of all, it’s your therapist’s responsibility to handle sticky situations correctly and within the laws that govern them. Mental health professionals are required, ethically and legally, to explain these issues to you before the process of therapy begins. Typically, you will be asked to read and sign a detailed document (usually called an “informed consent” or “disclosure”) that describes the therapist’s way of practicing and his/her ethical and legal obligations. If you have questions, you can also contact your state licensing board, as it is set up to protect your rights.

Reference:

Squiddo (2013), Retrieved May 5, 2013, http://www.squidoo.com/psyquotes by Jaktraks.