Something touched off hard feelings between you and your partner. Maybe it was a simple mistake. Your loved one forgot to pick up the milk on the way home. Or maybe you wanted some sympathy after a bad day at work, only to hear your partner criticize you. Ouch.

Now you’re upset. You may wonder if your partner really understands or cares about you.

How do you fix a relationship problem? Many people dread conflict so much they say nothing. They hope the bad feelings will just go away.

How to Bring Up a Relationship Problem

You need to know how to talk about a relationship problem. The important thing is to learn how to allow the emotions involved.

Because avoiding emotional pain in your relationship works against you.

Hard feelings between you don’t go away on their own. You need to see them and soothe them as a couple, so they resolve. That’s one major function of a healthy relationship.

I worked with a couple I’ll call Bob and Amy. Amy wanted to keep just those things around the house they needed and used now. Bob preferred having stuff like extra boxes, umbrellas, and materials for projects. Bob tended not to tidy up unless pressed. And when Amy has pressed Bob, they had terrible fights.

Now Amy doesn’t feel free to speak up about the “clutter” issue, though it still bothers her. Meanwhile, Bob throws away more than he wants to, and resents it. And he worries Amy will never be satisfied, no matter how little he keeps or how neat he tries to be.

Do you see the trouble? On the surface, the disconnect is about stuff in the house. But as a therapist trained in emotionally focused therapy (EFT), my job is to help Bob and Amy see the unspoken thoughts and emotions at work. What’s under the anger and resentment? What do those thoughts mean to their sense of attachment as a couple?

Learning to See What Hurts

In therapy, Amy admitted feeling Bob’s stuff was more important than her peace of mind. She felt dismissed and hurt. She needed Bob to hear that his desire for “stuff” seemed to come first, and it made her feel unwanted. After Amy expressed her hurt in a vulnerable way, you could feel their tension soften.

Then Bob said he worried that even if he threw everything away, she’d still find fault with him. He felt rejected. Bob needed Amy to hear that her demand for “order” left him no room to be himself.

Before they can solve their lifestyle problem, the bigger problem needs tending: the underlying panic that neither of them saw or cared about each other. They took time to tend the hurts and put stress relief first.

After Bob and Amy connected emotionally, they could affirm their support for each other. They quickly found the energy to be co-creative. They agreed on “clean” zones for Amy and built a “man-shed” for Bob. But more important, they learned how to take each other’s distress to heart, find the source, and assure each other they matter.

Sometimes, tensions arose again. But now they could talk over what was happening without getting locked into battle or withdrawal.

Relationship Stress Needs a Response

Unsolved relationship issues trigger deeper worries about how safe and secure partners feel together. It’s hard to feel close when you’re worried. That’s why distress with a loved one needs to be resolved.

Deep down, relationship hurts trigger bigger questions: Do I matter to you? Are we okay?

Doubts about a connection can make a person feel threatened or in danger. That’s because we naturally seek safety in relationships. Deep down, relationship hurts trigger bigger questions: Do I matter to you? Are we okay?

If we’re not sure how to say “I care” to each other, it’s easier to get angry and strike out against what seems wrong.

When we speak out of anger, we’re headed for trouble. There’s actually nothing wrong with saying something is bothering you. But the key to fixing your relationship is to talk about what you need—not your partner’s faults.

What else can couples do besides struggle in silence?

Good (and Bad) Ways to Tell Your Partner Something Is Wrong

Let’s look at some of the damaging ways some people bring up relationship issues. Compare these to some healthier ways to fix a problem instead:

Don’t glare: Don’t glower, grumble, or go silent to get a reaction. It doesn’t help your loved one understand. More likely, angry looks will make your partner defensive.

Do be clear: Do tell your loved one that you are upset. Say what you are upset about without blame. “I didn’t like the way you spoke to me when you came home.”

• Not this: “What’s wrong with you? Why can’t you remember one little thing?”
• Try this: “I was counting on your help. You forgot about it, and I feel like I don’t matter.”

Don’t assume: Don’t expect your partner knows how you feel or can figure out what you want to happen.

Do explain: Tell your partner what hurts you. Be clear about what you want and need.

• Not this: “You’ll never understand. You should know me a lot better by now.”
• Try this: “I need you to see how upset I am about work. Can I just vent? I would really like some support.”

Don’t get personal: Avoid put-downs or name-calling. Words such as “selfish,” “clueless,” or nasty names usually make problems worse.

Do speak from experience: Focus on what happened for you. Clean anger deals with behavior rather than character.

• Not this: “You said you’d get the milk. Can’t you get your act together for once?”
• Try this: “I get really stressed when there’s no milk for the kids. I know you didn’t mean to forget. How can we stay on top of this better?”

Why Repair Works So Well to Fix Relationships

Repair is one of the most powerful things you can do to build a stronger relationship.

You don’t need to be perfect for each other to be happy together. You can do a lot to restore goodwill by repairing hurts.

What separates many successful couples from less happy ones is the ability to make repairs. It allows you to keep getting better at responding to each other’s needs over time.

Repair is any gesture—a phrase, apology, hug, a friendly glance—that eases the negativity between you.

A lot depends on whether, beneath it all, you see each other as friends. Even if the repair attempt is awkward or clumsy, faith in your friendship will tips the scales toward healing after conflict.

Your kindness—and your partner’s ability to accept it—makes you both part of the solution instead of the problem for each other.

Emotional Connection: One of the Most Important Jobs in the World

It’s hard to admit we need each other. No one wants to invite ridicule or rejection by showing a tender need for love and acceptance. Yet it’s more terrible to feel cut off and alone.

“Do I matter to you?” That’s the question we need to hear “yes” to, especially when one of you is hurt.

Gently explaining your hurt is the first step to deepening your understanding together. Being able to hear when your partner is hurt is just as important to make things better.

This is much easier said than done. It’s tempting to avoid painful feelings rather than talk through relationship issues. That’s why a good therapist can be a powerful help to find a repair process that works for you.

Talking to your partner when you’re upset is a great chance to connect. You can learn to get your message through in a way that works with your need to connect, not against it.

Recently, I was riding in the car with my very spirited three-year-old. I had picked her up early from a play date to race across town. She was very distressed to leave her friend and let me know all about her distress through high-pitched screams. I knew she needed some comfort, a calming voice, and a nurturing tone to help comfort her in her distress.

Do you know what I noticed? It was so hard to give her the comfort she needed because I was having such a strong reaction inside of me. The sound of her cries alone created feelings of angst and anxiety in me. I was also feeling frustration and anger that she had created such a scene as I carried her kicking and screaming out of her friend’s house.

In the moment she was in distress and needed the comfort of her mother, I had to work very hard to manage my own emotions to lean in and appropriately comfort her.

As a therapist, it is easy to lean in and provide comfort, reassurance, and understanding to my clients. The reason it is so easy is that I am not the source of their pain. As they speak of the pain, usually caused by other people or situations in their lives, I can easily elicit feelings of compassion and care without defensiveness. I can do so because there is not a complicated storm of emotion inside of me.

Have I Caused Pain?

When you are the one who caused the pain, and when the hurt in your partner is a result of your actions, the process of offering comfort and compassion is much more complicated. When couples come in to therapy, it is usually because there is hurt between them. Usually, they have been unable to find comfort, care, and compassion in their partner to ease the hurt. They may often conclude that the reason their partner is not able to be there for them in the way they need is either that their partner doesn’t care or that they aren’t capable.

There is a good reason providing comfort can be difficult. Hurting your partner, the one that you love, feels awful. It can be brutally hard to think about, hear about, or see the tears, anger, and pain in your partner and know it’s been caused by you.

Addressing the Pain in Therapy

I remember a couple who came to therapy due to the husband’s affair. His wife was so hurt and angry that whenever she brought up her pain, he would shut down, leave the room, or tell her she “needed to get over it.”

When asked about his reactions to his wife, he told me “When she brings it up, she is reminding me of the worst thing I have ever done. It can be unbearable to think about.” It can be extremely difficult, and sometimes requires the help of a therapist, to help manage emotions of shame, guilt, and fear when you have hurt your partner. To be there for one’s partner in a comforting and healing way, it is necessary to manage these strong emotions within oneself.

If you are looking to speak to a therapist reach out to one of our therapists in Pittsburgh, PA or find a therapist closer to you.

It can be extremely difficult, and sometimes requires the help of a therapist, to help manage emotions of shame, guilt, and fear when you have hurt your partner.

How to Provide Comfort: 6 Tips

1. Recognize how much your partner needs you. When you are the source of your partner’s pain, it can be easy to think “I’ve caused your pain, I’m the last person you want to comfort you.” Exactly the opposite is often true. If you have caused pain in your partner, you can be one of the most helpful people in comforting that pain.

2. Find a support person. It can be a difficult, daunting, and frustrating process to rebuild and repair a relationship after major hurts have occurred. Your efforts to make things better may be rejected or criticized by your hurting spouse. You may need a therapist to help you manage your emotions of shame, frustration, hopelessness, and rejection in order to keep showing up for your partner in a comforting way. Also, if you feel stuck in your efforts to repair hurts in your relationship, you may need a couples therapist to help guide you.

3. Be flexible with what your partner needs. One day your partner may need to be left alone. The next they may need to be held. When there have been relational hurts, these needs can change by the hour or the day. There is often not a single, foolproof approach that works. Be willing to adapt your approach as your partner’s needs change.

4. Learn what comfort feels like for your partner. There are a lot of ways to provide comfort for your partner. According to Dr. Sue Johnson, physical and emotional closeness from our partner is one of the most powerful ways to experience comfort. Physical closeness can be achieved through being held, hugged, holding hands, or cuddling. Emotional closeness can include the following:

• Providing reassurance: “I love you,” “I am here for you,” “I’m not going anywhere.”
• Validating the hurt: “Of course this hurt you deeply.”
• Understanding the hurt: “Tell me more about what you are going through.”
• Hearing the hurt: “You can tell me how you feel. I want to know.”
• Showing remorse: “I’m so sorry I hurt you. I’m so sorry you are going through this.”

A great place to start is, “When you are hurting like this, what helps the most? What do you need from me right now?”

5. Express a willingness to do whatever it takes. It can be easy to feel like there is nothing you can do to make this better. You may think, “Anything I say only makes things worse” or “I don’t know what to do to make things better.” It can be comforting for your hurt partner to hear “I’m not sure how to help, but I know I want to help.” Let them know that although you might not always know how, you want to make things better, and you are willing to learn how to do that.

6. Open up. Expressing your emotions and showing vulnerabilities may not be your strong suit. However, it can be comforting for your hurting partner to know you are hurting too, and that they are not in this hurt alone. It can be very healing for your partner to hear and see that you hurt because they hurt.

Reference:

Johnson, S., (2008). Hold me tight: Seven conversations for a lifetime of love. New York, NY: Little, Brown and Company.

In today’s hectic world, the demands of life can end up dictating your relationship rather than the other way around. Sexual intimacy is often one of the casualties. Time, stress, and busy schedules make it difficult for couples to find time when both partners are interested and available for sex.

If you and your partner would like to have more or better sex, the first step is to prioritize it like you do other important things in your life. One way to kick start this new approach is to have a sexcation with your partner.

A sexcation is a vacation that is solely dedicated to connecting intimately with your partner. Sexcations work well over a long weekend where you will have 3-4 days together away from the stress of your normal life. Let’s discuss how to plan your sexcation in order to maximize the chances that it will be a success.

Step 1: Overcoming Obstacles

You may be thinking, “I don’t have the (time, money, childcare, energy, etc.) for a sexcation with my partner.” It’s entirely possible that now is not the right time for you to have a sexcation. But before jumping to that conclusion, I encourage you to consider your options with an open mind.

Remember that a sexcation is not about extravagance. Rather, the main focus is creating a space for quality time together.Let’s start with time. How do you currently spend your time? Are you busy with kids, family visits, work, or projects? These are all important, but where does your relationship fit into that? Having a vibrant romantic relationship is something most people want, yet many of us do not give ourselves permission to truly prioritize it. If you are unable to coordinate consecutive days off together, start with one day and see how that goes.

Let’s consider the financial aspect. Remember that a sexcation is not about extravagance. Rather, the main focus is creating a space for quality time together. You could even plan a sexcation at your house if you are unable to travel.

If childcare is an issue, I encourage you to think creatively about how to solve that problem. If you have a baby, you may be able to structure your time together around when the baby is sleeping. If you have toddlers or older children, perhaps they can stay with a friend or family member for the weekend.

I know it won’t be easy to navigate all these obstacles, but I have seen couples do it with persistence. The following instructions are designed to help you connect, or reconnect if you’ve been distant from each other.

Step 2: Creating Your Oasis

Once you have blocked out the time on your calendars and picked the location of your sex-cation, it’s time to create your oasis. To do this, you may need to plan a buffer between the stress of normal life and your intimate time together. It may be best to plan for the first full day of your sexcation as a buffer day. If you only have one or two days total, you may need to shorten that period.

During the buffer day, consider what you need to do to feel present with your partner. If you need to wrap up loose ends from the week, you can do so, but limit your work to no more than 1 hour, then set it aside for the rest of the time. You and your partner may also have unresolved conflicts from the week. *If* you feel you can discuss it in a calm and respectful manner, spend no more than 1 hour discussing the issue to come to a resolution or stopping point. If you cannot discuss it in a calm manner, make a contract with each other to set the issue aside while on your sexcation. This is not the time for bickering and fighting; it’s time to reconnect and focus on the things you like about each other.

Once you have wrapped up loose ends, each partner should engage in self-care activities for the rest of the buffer day. One good recipe for self-care includes:

• Sleep or rest.
• The use of mindfulness to tune into your thoughts, feelings, and sensations.
• Journaling or other forms of self-expression to release pent up emotions and stress.
• Self-soothing activities to calm and pamper yourself.

Everyone is different, so I encourage you to think ahead about what works best for you and create a self-care plan. Some people may want to go on a long bike ride, while others want a hot bath. Some people use meditation, while others use movement or dance. Some people are soothed by rock music, while others respond to classical. There is no right or wrong way to engage in self-care.

Step 3: Intellectual and Emotional Foreplay

Once you and your partner conclude your buffer phase, you can now enter your oasis together. From here through the rest of your sexcation, you will be in foreplay with each other. Foreplay starts long before the clothes come off. It also involves connecting with each other mentally and emotionally.

Consider using the following prompts:

• Each partner share your memory of the first time you met, including what drew you to each other and how you felt in the early stages of dating.
• Each partner share 10 things you like about the other person.
• Separately create a bucket list, then share with each other and discuss.
• Each partner share your top 5 favorite moments of your relationship together.
• Watch a thought-provoking or humorous movie together and discuss it afterwards. You could also discuss a passage from a book.

Step Four: Getting Sexy

Once you are feeling intellectually stimulated and emotionally connected, you can begin to incorporate traditional foreplay involving sensual touch. Think ahead about what type of lovemaking you’d like. Do you enjoy feeling seductive and sultry? Sweet and sensual? Fun and flirty? Or some combination of these?

It’s important to cultivate an environment in which both of you feel safe in sharing your desires. Judgment and criticism have no place in your oasis. Also remember your sexcation is not a time to push each other’s boundaries. Instead, focus on activities you both will enjoy.

Consider creating a sensual menu of things you like, such as:

• Oral sex.
• Mutual masturbation.
• Sensate focus.
• Extended kissing.
• Exploring each other’s erogenous zones.
• Kink play.
• Intercourse.

Think about using music, scents such as candles or lotion, or sensual fabrics such as satin or leather. You can also use erotic stories or art to set the mood. Bring any sex toys, sexy games, lingerie, or outfits that you might like to use. Be sure to stay well hydrated, well fed, and well rested. Remember that, regardless of anything else, your goal is connection and enjoyment as a couple.

If you need help restoring intimacy in your relationship, you may wish to contact a sex therapist or couples counselor. With support from the right therapist, you and your partner can reconnect both physically and emotionally.

References:

1. Gottman, J. & DeClaire, J. (2002). The relationship cure: A 5 step guide to strengthening your marriage, family, and friendships. New York, NY: Three Rivers Press.
2. Gottman, J. & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work: A practical guide from the country’s foremost relationship expert. New York, NY: Harmony Books.
3. McCarthy, B & McCarthy, E. (2014). Rekindling desire, 2^nd Ed. New York, NY: Routledge.
4. McCarthy, B & McCarthy, E. (2012). Sexual awareness: Your guide to a healthy couple sexuality, 5^th Ed. New York, NY: Routledge.
5. McCarthy, B & McCarthy, E. (2009). Discovering your couple sexual style. New York, NY: Routledge.

Many couples have at their core a deep and abiding friendship. According to psychologist and researcher Dr. John Gottman, having a strong friendship is one of the most important traits that makes a marriage fulfilling and lasting. Quality relationships outside the marriage are also key for a rich and fulfilling life. But when those relationships cross boundaries and become inappropriate, a marriage can quickly be turned upside down and torn inside out. Couples can benefit from constructing clear boundaries to protect their marriage.

Setting Boundaries with Friends

In my own life I have the joy of celebrating 28 years of marriage. I can say my husband is my best friend. Early on in our marriage we began the practice of exercising healthy boundaries with our friendships, specifically those friendships with people of the opposite gender. We made a list of clear lines of demarcation in other relationships, as we never want to compromise our marriage.

Contrary to what many believe, not all affairs are due to a troubled marriage or a lack of love between spouses. A loving marriage and good friendships can coexist if you are careful and cognizant of not crossing emotional and physical boundaries. Physical boundaries are fairly obvious; however, what many people don’t understand is that emotional affairs generally happen gradually. From there they may transition into physical affairs, creating havoc and turmoil when they are exposed.

The challenging aspect is that many emotional affairs don’t set out to be so. Infidelity often starts out simply in workplace relationships, platonic friendships, or community acquaintances. Generally, they happen without premeditation. It is when people start to cross boundaries of emotional intimacy, sharing information which should only be discussed with their spouse, that trouble begins.

When emotional boundaries are crossed, it gradually leads to more and more intimate communication being shared. Stronger feelings may grow, and before the person knows it, they’ve developed an attraction for their friend. If left unchecked, this will most likely lead to sexual infidelity and most assuredly violate the security of the marriage.

How can you tell if you or your spouse are in the danger zone with your other friendships?

15 Signs Your Friendship Has Crossed the Line

1. When talking to your friend, you feel more comfortable confiding in them than you do your spouse.
2. When talking to your friend, you share negative thoughts or feelings that you have toward your spouse.
3. When talking to your friend, you share intimate details about your life, more so than with your spouse.
4. You do not share the extent of your friendship with your spouse.
5. Your spouse does not know about your relationship with your friend.
6. You would feel uncomfortable if your spouse were to listen in on the conversations you have with your friend.
7. You find yourself thinking about your friend more than you know you should be.
8. You look forward to being with your friend more so than with your spouse.
9. You meet your friend alone for coffee or meals without your spouse knowing about it.
10. You regularly engage with your friend on social media without your spouse’s knowledge.
11. You feel a sexual tension or attraction when you are with your friend.
12. You and your friend are discussing the sexual tension you are both feeling in the friendship.
13. When you and your friend are alone, you interact differently than when other people are around.
14. You find yourself regularly looking forward to meeting with your friend.
15. You are in love with your friend.

If you disagreed with all these statements, then most likely you are not having an emotional affair. If you agreed with most of these questions, then you may be involved in an emotional affair.

Ending an Emotional Affair

If you are having an emotional affair, you may be jeopardizing your marriage. It may be a good idea to put an end to that friendship. If this is a work colleague or someone you must see on a regular basis, you may want to consider putting up some strong boundaries starting now. If you desire to preserve your marriage, you may want to seek out the support of a therapist to help you process your feelings and hold you accountable.

Contrary to what many believe, not all affairs are due to a troubled marriage or a lack of love between spouses. In my practice I often find couples get caught up in careers, raising children, or caring for elderly parents. All these commitments can cause people to lose sight of their marriage or spouse. Healing the marriage is often just a matter of not taking our spouse for granted and making sure we stay emotionally connected to our partner.

Reference:

Glass, S. P. (2004). Not ‘just friends’: Rebuilding trust and recovering your sanity after infidelity. New York, NY: Free Press.

“Is couples therapy actually going to work?”

As a couples therapist, I hear this question a lot. And it’s a valid question. When couples come to therapy, they are usually in pain and in search of relief. If I had a painful illness and the doctor prescribed treatment, my first question would be, “Is this going to work?”

When I was introduced to emotionally focused couples therapy (EFT), I was relieved to learn of this established method, with a science behind helping couples. And it works. Research shows that EFT helps 70% of couples recover from marital distress. Ninety percent of couples report significant improvements. If I were sitting in a doctor’s office with an illness and was told treatment had a 90% success rate, I would feel relieved.

But despite the success rate of the approach, it is still normal to have some reservations about couples therapy. Before you knock it, though, I recommend learning more about the process. As a marriage counselor, these are some of my thoughts about three of the common reasons people are resistant to couples therapy.

1. People can’t change.

We are who we are, right? In couples therapy, I’m not seeking to change anyone. I’m not trying to help anyone change their personality or their partner. I’m seeking to change the dynamics of the relationship. An EFT therapist helps couples understand and meet each other’s needs in effective ways.

These needs, which EFT therapists call attachment needs, already exist in each person. We aren’t changing a person to create these needs, since they are already a part of each partner. But often these needs go unacknowledged. In other cases, partners attempt to get their needs met in ways that prove ineffective. In EFT therapy, therapists simply help each partner access their emotions and needs in a way that helps them bond. In other words, we are pulling out emotions and needs that already exist but are often covered up with reactivity. We are helping decode this reactivity in order to understand the feelings and needs underneath. By doing this, we can help both partners engage with each other in ways that help them both feel close and connected.

2. My partner won’t do the work.

EFT is not about going home and doing “homework.” In fact, change occurs in the session. Experts have studied the process of change and determined the specific change needed for events to occur. An EFT couples therapist knows these change events and can guide the sessions to help create them. These events help change the way partners view each other and the relationship, which can bring about organic change in the relationship.

In EFT therapy, therapists simply help each partner access their emotions and needs in a way that helps them bond. In other words, we are pulling out emotions and needs that already exist but are often covered up with reactivity. We are helping decode this reactivity in order to understand the feelings and needs underneath.

When these change events occur, couples can shift from feeling distant and disconnected to feeling safe, secure, and connected. When couples feel more connected, reactivity can naturally change and soften outside of the session. This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t go home and try new things, such as planning more date nights or learning new communication tools. It just means the success of therapy doesn’t depend on doing “homework.” In EFT couples therapy, doing the work simply means showing up to the session and engaging in the process.

3. There is too much hurt.

Couples who seek out therapy have often engaged in a series of hurtful behaviors. One or both partners may have felt hurt by the actions of the other. Sometimes, this pain can feel overwhelming. Couples may have engaged in such a negative cycle that they have been unsuccessful in repairing these hurts on their own. The hurt has happened, and the unsuccessful attempts to resolve the hurt often only exacerbate the pain.

EFT therapists work to help couples dismantle their negative cycle so hurts can finally be felt, shared, heard, and healed. Most importantly, the way EFT therapists guide the conversations in therapy allows the emotions from these hurts to be shared in a way that bonds and connects couples. So yes, hurts can actually help bond a couple—when they are dealt with properly.

How Does Change Occur in Couples Therapy?

Jill and Paul came into therapy after years of feeling disconnected. During sessions, Jill described to the couples therapist their nightly routine: Paul retreated to his home office after dinner, while she would watch TV alone in her bedroom. Jill explained that despite her getting upset and angry at Paul for how much he worked, the pattern of loneliness continued. “He doesn’t care about how I feel. He only cares about his work,” Jill concluded.

The therapist helped Paul and Jill unpack the dynamics that led to these familiar lonely nights. The therapist helped Jill shift out of her anger and talk about her sadness regarding their distance. From there, Jill was able to express her desire to feel close and connected to Paul. Jill shared, with sadness, her belief that Paul hid away in his office at night because he wanted to get away from her.

With the therapist’s help, Paul was able to talk about his experience. He shared how through the years, Jill’s angry comments made him feel rejected. As their cycle repeated over and over again, he came to the conclusion that he wasn’t able to give her what she needed. He also explained his feeling that anything he says when Jill is upset only makes things worse. He shared how he wished he knew what could make her happy and that he has started to worry that maybe he doesn’t make her happy anymore. So instead of doing or saying something that may make the situation worse, he goes into his office at night.

Paul’s explanation helped Jill see that Paul pulled away from her not because he didn’t care, but rather, because he cared so much about protecting their relationship that he didn’t want to make things worse.

Many change events that occurred in therapy ultimately helped Jill and Paul get out of their negative cycle and create a way to communicate their needs more clearly and feel more connected to each other.

• They identified the negative cycle occurring between them. They started to recognize the cycle, not each other, as the enemy or problem.
• Paul was able to share his feelings of rejection and his fear that if he did anything to make things worse, Jill might decide to leave him.
• Jill could see the care in Paul’s eyes as he spoke about letting her down. Her belief that “he didn’t care” started to dissipate. She recognized Paul’s retreat as his way of protecting their relationship from further damage.
• Jill was able to express her desire for Paul. In the past, Jill expressed her frustrations of disconnection through anger, which Paul interpreted as rejection. Paul was able to see how upsetting it was for Jill to feel distant from him and how much she still longed for him and desired him.
• Jill was able to communicate her needs for connection more clearly, being mindful of how her anger would shut him down. Paul was able to recognize her frustrations as protests against their disconnection.
• Paul was able to hear Jill’s attachment need of feeling close and connected to him.
• Jill was able to hear Paul’s attachment need of feeling desired by her.

Paul and Jill still found find themselves back in their familiar negative cycle at times. But as a result of the pivotal change events they experienced in therapy, they could more quickly identify the disconnecting cycle between them and find their way out.

When Does Couples Therapy Not Work?

With all of this said, there are some factors that can inhibit therapy success. I like to be realistic with couples about the prognosis of their relationship. If any of the following factors are present, success is less likely.

• Viewing problems as the fault of the partner. If you are not able or willing to look at your own contribution to the problems of the relationship, progress is limited. Couples therapy is an introspective process. It does involve looking within and understanding yourself better. Being introspective can be very difficult for some, and this can hinder the progress of couples therapy.
• There is a competing attachment. If there is an active addiction or ongoing emotional or physical affair, couples therapy may not be helpful.
• There is physical or emotional abuse. A couples therapist cannot create emotional safety if there is abuse present. Safety is crucial for the bonding process.
• One person has checked out of the relationship. Most couples wait a long time before seeking help for their relationship. When couples have been unhappy for so long, sometimes one or both partners have checked out. However, there is still hope for re-engagement, even when this is the case—as long as both partners are willing to invest and commit to a process of reconnection. [amazon_affiliate]

References:

1. Johnson, S. (2004). The practice of emotionally focused couples therapy: Creating connection (2nd ed.). New York, NY: Brunner-Routledge.
2. Johnson, S. (2008). Hold me tight: Seven conversations for a lifetime of love. New York, NY: Little, Brown, and Company.

Affair discovery can be deeply traumatic, with varying responses across individuals and relationships. Many people who have not experienced infidelity do not understand how earth-shattering discovery can be. Research confirms that betrayal is experienced as a shocking and destabilizing event, with betrayed partners showing symptoms similar to trauma responses, including elevated anxiety, hyperarousal, intrusive flashbacks, and emotional dissociation.

Key Insight: Nathanael Schlect, Licensed Associate Counselor “Some partners experience intense trauma-like symptoms, while others move through shock, grief, and anger in different ways.”

For the partner involved in the affair, their private fantasy world is shattered. Once the secret is out, there can be extensive consequences. It may spread beyond the confines of the primary relationship to family, friends, coworkers, even strangers. For the betrayed partner, discovery may call every belief they had about themselves, their partner, and their relationship into question. Both partners experience a shift that changes the world they thought they knew.

As the involved partner, there are several things to consider if you wish to heal after discovery. One of the most important elements of recovery is honesty. But how to release the truth without destroying hopes of reconciliation?

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If you do not give the truth, your partner will create it.

In my practice, I see couples in every stage of infidelity recovery. The crisis stage usually follows discovery. I call it the “data gathering” stage. In this stage, hurt partners tend to be haunted by the affair. They may think about it from the moment they wake to the moment they go to sleep. Many cannot find peace even in their dreams. Some wake in the middle of the night with anxiety, anger, and sadness.

Asking, begging, or demanding the truth is often an attempt to ground themselves. It’s a way to find reality again. Research shows that 60-75% of couples stay together after discovering an affair, and those who work through the trauma together often emerge with stronger relationships.

Betrayed partners may have active and vivid imaginations. If they do not have the answers they seek, they will create them. Hearing the truth, even when hurtful, allows them to release worst-case scenarios. Think the truth is bad? They likely imagine much worse. The truth will hurt, but it will probably be less hurtful than their assumptions and thoughts about what happened. Releasing the truth provides the cognitive space to rebuild trust over time.

A couple wishing to recover from infidelity does well when they agree to work through the trauma to build a new, stronger relationship. Part of the rebuilding process involves destruction of beliefs and falsehoods that plagued the relationship in the past. Many betrayed partners will ask the same questions again and again and (perhaps unconsciously) compare responses. Each confirmed truth is a brick in rebuilding trust and goodwill. It serves offending partners well to see these questions as a sign that the betrayed partner is invested in healing.

Offer answers before they ask.

Unfortunately, many involved partners adopt the belief that answering only the questions that are asked minimizes the damage. This idea may make recovery more difficult as it sends a message that the involved partner is holding back. Recovery tends to be more effective when the truth is released in a stream rather than in a trickle. This pattern of gradual disclosure—known as “trickle truth”—is one of the most damaging dynamics in the affair recovery process. Free-flowing truth, even when painful, will (eventually) help to rebuild trust.

The truth must come out, and the sooner the better, though timing of disclosure may need to be paced to emotional readiness and safety. Involved partners may do themselves and their partner more harm as they release truths in small doses. New information disclosed gradually not only retraumatizes the betrayed spouse, but inadvertently restarts the clock of both personal and marital recovery. The betrayed spouse is forced to process new information which creates a devastating restart to the recovery process where all momentum and forward progress disintegrates.

Key Insight: Nathanael Schlect, Licensed Associate Counselor “Full honesty is essential for recovery, but many couples benefit from sharing difficult information in a structured, supported way.”

Some couples find it helps to set aside a predetermined amount of time to answer questions. This allows both partners to prepare. The involved partner can help the recovery process by initiating. When asking questions, the hurt partner may be less likely to be overcome with the buildup of anger.

Revealing the truth early may mitigate the deeply painful stories the hurt partner creates in their mind. The truth must come out, and the sooner the better. Involved partners may do themselves and their partner more harm as they release truths in small doses. Many hurt partners increase their investigation efforts when they sense information is being withheld. The truth is necessary to heal, or at least most of it. I caution involved partners to be mindful about vivid details of sexual experiences, as those can do more damage if the hurt partner hasn’t asked for them.

Avoid being defensive.

If a hurt partner wants to stay in the relationship, they want to rebuild trust. Many involved partners find this difficult to believe when the hurt partner acts out of anger or other emotions. The hurt partner does not want to be hurt. They want to believe in love, their relationship, and their partner. When they experience lapses of emotional control, it is important to remember they want to heal even when it seems otherwise. An angry or defensive response to a hurt partner may make recovery more difficult. This does not mean an involved partner should accept abuse; no one deserves to be abused. An involved partner who is able to see through the surface anger to the real hurt underneath can express the empathy needed to recover.

Defensiveness, counterattack, avoidance, or blame send a message to hurt partners that the relationship is still in danger. It tells them the involved partner isn’t committed to working toward resolution. These messages damage the chances of recovery. A hurt partner may behave in ways even they cannot believe. Allowing them grace as they work through this trauma assists in laying the groundwork for a successful recovery.

For betrayed partners, the general rule of thumb is that healing will take approximately one to two years, with eighteen months being the middle ground. The recovery process involves several phases, from initial crisis and emotional instability to understanding, rebuilding, and finally forgiveness and moving forward.

Honesty is paramount for healing in the wake of an affair. The simplicity of honesty does not make being honest any easier, however. Being honest may seem counterintuitive; why would you want to add fuel to a raging fire of hurt? The answer: to show the goal is to restore trust and heal. Yes, revealing the truth can be painful. It may seem sadistic to reveal things you worked so hard to protect your partner from. But your relationship may depend on it.

For help with affair recovery, contact a licensed therapist.

References:

1. Abrahamson, I., Hussain, R., Khan, A., & Schofield, M. J. (2020). Is romantic partner betrayal a form of traumatic experience? A qualitative study. Journal of Clinical Psychology, 76(7), 1264-1279. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/32533575/
2. Cardenas, V. (2025). Gaslighting and trickle truths: Unraveling deception in betrayal. Medium: Understanding Ear: Betrayal and Beyond. https://medium.com/understanding-ear-betrayal-and-beyond/gaslighting-and-trickle-truths-unraveling-deception-in-betrayal-73dcd10eb6d2
3. Dashnaw, D. (2024). What percentage of marriages survive infidelity? Daniel Dashnaw Couples Therapy. https://danieldashnawcouplestherapy.com/blog/what-percentage-of-marriages-survive-infidelity
4. Giacobbi, G. (2025). Unpacking trust repair in couples: A systematic literature review. Journal of Family Therapy, 47(1), 45-68. https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/1467-6427.12483
5. Infidelity Healing. (2025). Truth in pieces feels like a lie. Affair Healing. https://www.affairhealing.com/articles/trickle-truth
6. Lahav, Y., Avidor, S., Gafter, L., & Lotan, A. (2025). A double betrayal: The implications of institutional betrayal for trauma-related symptoms in intimate partner violence survivors. American Journal of Orthopsychiatry. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/39964421/
7. Nickerson, K., et al. (2023). The truth about affairs and cheating: Research and statistics. Dr. Kathy Nickerson. https://drkathynickerson.com/blogs/relationship/the-truth-about-affairs-and-cheating-your-top-20-questions-answered-with-research-and-statistics
8. Reynolds, R. (2025). How does trickle truth affect my recovery timeline? Affair Recovery. https://www.affairrecovery.com/groups/qa-how-does-trickle-truth-affect-my-recovery-timeline
9. South Denver Therapy. (2025). Infidelity statistics 2026: Cheating rates, affairs & research data. https://www.southdenvertherapy.com/blog/infidelity-statistics-2026
10. Zola, S. (2025). Formal disclosure vs. trickle truths. Susan Zola. https://susanzola.com/formal-disclosure-vs-trickle-truths/

In part 1 of this series, we touched upon the blissful and frightening states that can occur when we feel merged with a partner whom we love. These states are drawn from our earliest experiences outside the womb and tend to awaken parallel states of extreme helplessness. As exciting as these experiences of full absorption can be, humans are not designed to remain helplessly dependent. We are designed to learn to love autonomously.

One of the primary feats of early development is the forging of a self separate from mother. Out of the cacophony of fleeting images, sensations, drives, and demands swirling within our infant experience of the world, we somehow identify enough patterns within the chaos from which to propel our very own imprint of that world. The acorn cracks and the sapling lifts its first tendrils toward the sky. As our distinct character emerges, we begin the long craft of personalizing our experience. We learn to abide by a singular rhythm that makes sense only to ourselves while somehow maintaining the approval of mother.

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The journey toward becoming a “me” continues from the first year of life well into our 20th. Then, just as we’ve gained some mastery at selfhood, we attempt to reverse the journey. We long for experiences of merging with another: adult intimacy. Our self-will, though still active, takes a back seat to the more instinctual parts of our brain. One day we are content to greet the object of our desire from a distance; the next there seems to be no distance at all. Before we know it, the fragile “me” we’ve carefully constructed over the years has merged into a “we.”

Just how we experience adult intimacy depends as much on our inborn character as it does on how we differentiated our self from our primary caregiver. Below, I refer to four of the later separation-individuation stages, as defined by classic psychologist Dr. Margaret Mahler, for clues as to how we first managed the capacity to hold on to—while separating from—our merged existence with mother. The marks of these infant/toddler achievements make a dramatic reappearance in the work of adults attempting to navigate bonding—while maintaining autonomy—with their life partners.

Hatching: (5-9 months old)

Julie has felt hopelessly in love with Brian for a few weeks now. They’ve consecrated their affections during long weekends together, and the melding seems to have lifted Julie beyond time itself. With Brian, she feels solid and truly herself. During the intervening weeks without Brian, however, Julie feels she has lost any capacity to go through the motions of ordinary life. She doesn’t miss Brian or recall their time together. Instead, she finds herself unable to function at all. Having identified her true self as that which is beyond her grasp, she has no self left with which to even dream of reunification with Brian.

We might pity Julie, but we all remember at a visceral level the trouble she’s in. Waking hungry in our crib at night, we cry out and are met with no immediate response. No sound of approaching comfort. It takes but a few minutes before our cries threaten to steal our breath from us. We are inconsolable. We learn the dark contours of an unmerciful absence and we don’t forget it. How do we survive these early stages of helplessness?

We learn the dark contours of an unmerciful absence and we don’t forget it. How do we survive these early stages of helplessness?

We start, during what’s called “hatching,” by learning to hold on to imagery of our caregivers. Babies at this stage become obsessively interested in the sights and smells associated with mother. Mothers report there being a dramatic increase in the intensity of their child’s attachment at this stage. Fathers report feeling far less replaceable. During the hatching stage, babies are ingesting the image of their mother into their minds. The eventual result: the arising of an internal representation of the mother’s life-giving forces.

Revisiting the primal instinct for this transition in her adult life, Julie might ask Brian if she can keep his jacket so she can wear it during the week or update her profile with photos of the two of them, training herself to identify with the accessories and imagery of their partnership. To friends and family, Julie may appear more helpless than ever as she begins to fixate on her phone, always anticipating Brian’s next text or rereading old threads. But in terms of how we are designed to love autonomously, this is a necessary and critical part of her process. Internalizing the sights and smells of our beloved sets the stage for a sense of wholeness while living apart.

Practicing: (9-14 months old)

Children in the “practicing” stage are exchanging notions of symbiosis with mother for ones of possession. Instead of needing direct physical touch to feel connected, children practice feeling it at a distance. A child notices his mother leave to the kitchen while he is temporarily absorbed with his toys. His interest wanes and, instead of crying out for her to come comfort him, he calls out instead for her acknowledgment. “Juice?” “Sure, honey, I’ll get you some.” These interactions establish a sense of safety within a proximal distance. The more reliable these exchanges, the more distance opened up for exploration. In this way, the organic parameters of loving connection are found to reach far throughout the house and eventually throughout the neighborhood.

Sam and Phil are fully hatched as a couple. They are both enthralled with how important they are to each other and have begun regaling their friends with stories of their latest romantic triumphs. Their Instagram feeds contain large volumes of them holding, hugging, and having each other. Time apart is tolerable only insofar as they fill those empty hours with memories and plans for their next rendezvous.

Though their mutual world feels established, all is not always harmonious in the land of honeymoon. If Sam doesn’t hear from Phil for a day, he notices he starts to get cranky. Phil learns to oblige Sam’s moods by using a lot of soothing, reassuring tones when arriving after an extended absence. For his part, Phil gets anxious when Sam is given attention by others. Sam has learned to accommodate Phil’s jealousy by referring to Phil often when speaking to others. Phil relaxes each time he hears Sam describe himself as happily partnered. Some might judge Sam and Phil’s doting accommodations to each other’s insecurities as setting a poor precedent for their future. However, at the practicing stage, there can never be “too much” attention to sensitivity. It’s only closely wired couples whose love can span the distance as both partners venture a return to their autonomous lives.

Rapprochement: (14-24 months old)

Children in the “rapprochement” stage are confounded by two separate needs: the drive to individuate and the impulse to stay safe. Classically, this stage is depicted as a 2-year-old on her first day of preschool, clinging to her mother’s dress with one hand and reaching out toward the block room with the other. The job of the mother is to find grace as a selfless launchpad while the girl vacillates between hiding within the folds of mother’s dress and throwing her recklessly aside. The mother’s tolerance of this continual flip-flopping between extremes transmits to the child an ability to tolerate her own ambivalence.

The features of the fight give insight into the core rapprochement patterns established in their childhoods. This, in turn, gives insight into what’s in store for them as they attempt to resolve the current crisis.

When working with couples in crisis about their relationship, I’ll often ask them about their first serious fight with each other when they were just getting to know each other. As people recall the incidents, I listen for clues as to how they resolved the fight. Some scream and yell. Others are quick to kiss and make up. Some brood and punish indirectly for weeks before addressing the problem. Others discuss it ad infinitum until they slowly lose interest and move on.

The features of the fight give insight into the core rapprochement patterns established in their childhoods. This, in turn, gives insight into what’s in store for them as they attempt to resolve the current crisis. The need to shore up safety with a partner while also standing strong in one’s differences is a tense operation that doesn’t always resolve with the couple remaining intact. No matter the wedding vows, some partnerships can withstand an individual’s thrust toward self-growth, while others are shattered by the process. This period of rapprochement offers no promises, only an ability to tolerate the process.

Object Constancy: (24-plus months old)

Anyone who has witnessed a child progress through the early stages of attachment knows parenting is not for the faint of heart. Autistic merging, hatching, practicing, and rapprochement bring out the neediest and most demanding aspects of the human experience. Parents are asked not only to find a matching response to the child’s level of need but to express a reassurance that can somehow normalize the painful process of growing up. “It’s okay to be sad because I know you miss Mommy. I promise you, she’ll be right back.” With enough reassurance, children indeed arrive at the place where they can take comfort in imagining their mother’s goodness even while she is out for the day. “Object constancy” refers to a child’s capacity to feel the good qualities of their mother’s love inside of themselves.

As adults, we learn to return to and expand this childlike sense of object constancy to include:

• An ability to recognize and tolerate loving and hostile feelings toward the same person
• An ability to keep feelings of need centered on one person
• An ability to value that person for attributes other than their capacity to satisfy needs

There is no way to develop these abilities except by weathering the storms of disagreement, misattunement, and conflict with those we love. It’s never easy to be in opposition with the one you want to trust to take care of you. When tensions are high and the risk of separation appears imminent, some amount of “faking it ’til we make it” can be helpful.

“I can disagree deeply with you and know you will not leave me.”

“I can see your point of view, even come to agree with you, without losing my self-respect.”

“I trust us to negotiate solutions that will take care of both of us.”

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Couples might reach toward such statements with the hope their very utterance will somehow make them true. Lo and behold, with enough patience, time, and reassurance, it can work. The good of the relationship is instilled within the hearts of each as a reliable constant. Arguments can come and go, leaving the underlying love undisturbed. With each round, a chance to grow up all over again.

Reference:

Mahler, M., Pine, F., & Bergman, A. (2000). The psychological birth of the human infant symbiosis and individuation. New York, NY: Basic Books.

“NO, that’s NOT what I mean.”

“How could you say that?”

“I wasn’t finished. Where are you going?”

At first glance, sudden and intense misattunement between partners may indicate a need for a more disciplined approach to conflict. Perhaps both need a class to practice nonviolent communication strategies, a workshop to enhance empathy, or a therapist to work on anger management.

But what if the problem isn’t interpersonal? What if the deeper conflicts at stake are going on within—each person struggling to maintain two versions of self simultaneously, their personal self and their relational self? Look again at the arguments that confound couples and we can see they are frequently frustrated not at each other but at the delicate trapeze work required of each person to keep their own identity from crashing.

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I practice as both an individual counselor and a couples counselor. A core task in both practices involves helping folks navigate the space between their personal and relational selves. The personal self is busy with the task of differentiation: remaining autonomous and whole while with others. The relational self, meanwhile, is occupied with the task of merging: deepening intimate availability for connection.

As I talk with one person, I get a direct experience of their unique worldview. Speaking again on the same topic while that person is in the presence of a loved other, I often observe that worldview collapse. Here, the simplest facts, the clearest agreements, and the most bedrock values slip like disentangled particles through their grasp. Little that is true to the identity of a person necessarily remains true to their identity while in relationship.

Differentiation: Being Oneself in the Company of Another

Pay attention to couples as they slip into a casual disagreement and you’ll see any number of well-honed techniques to salvage dignity and equilibrium. It’s a supremely complex task. Not only must each preserve a sense of entitlement to their own opinion, they must simultaneously preserve a sense that the person to whom they are attached is worthy of respect. Most complex of all, they each need to handle a temporary rupture of relational attunement.

Differentiated couples have gained some measure of confidence that their relationship will survive its everyday ruptures. Such confidence is hard-won.

Differentiated couples have gained some measure of confidence that their relationship will survive its everyday ruptures. Such confidence is hard-won. It takes no small amount of faith and a whole lot of practice to establish a capacity to be caring while experiencing a sudden collapse of attunement (“How can I be right when the one I love doesn’t get me?”).

Over time, a belief in constancy ensues and stays intact even through argument. Nevertheless, beneath the light ribbing (“There you go again, hon”), the humor (“That’s okay, you don’t have to make sense for me to love you”), and the subtle redirection (“Remember that one time we weren’t fighting?”), the remnants of early wounding remain. To understand how to love, we have little choice but to understand how we managed those first wounds.

Merging: The Urge to Return to Unity

During the first month of life, children lead a non-differentiated existence. Blissful or frightening, there is no sense of self separating them from the outside world. The attunement taking place in the touch and eye contact between mother and babe renders both in a fused state. Mothers describe being transported to a regressed world in service of the baby. Both are engulfed in feelings of oneness and a mutual sensitivity to each other’s moods and states. It takes six to nine months for babies to emerge from this fused existence and prepare to “hatch” a separate personality from their primary caregiver.

During that time, their experience of oneness vacillates between two phases of merging: autistic and symbiotic. In the autistic phase, mother is viewed as an intrinsic part of the infant, devoid of a separate existence. When deprived of their mother, babes will feel themselves to be literally nothing, empty, nonexistent. In the symbiotic phase, mother is viewed vaguely as separate but only in terms of need fulfillment. It is in this phase that babes develop their reactive capacities to cry out, push away, and demand a return to unity. Even if the child has yet to develop a sense of self, their self-preservation instinct is active and they will not kindly receive anyone or anything keeping them from attunement.

Regression Happens

The quality of these two phases of merging constitutes the felt landscape of the longing for adult intimacy. Once the desire for intimacy is awakened in mature adults, so too awaken recollections of their primal urge for unity. The body remembers the fused state of those first months outside the womb, even if the mind holds no actual memory of it. Like a moth drawn to a flame, we are compelled to reexperience the ineffable sense of oneness that transpired there.

The quality of these two phases of merging constitutes the felt landscape of the longing for adult intimacy. Once the desire for intimacy is awakened in mature adults, so too awaken recollections of their primal urge for unity.

Spiritually, as adults, we might seek it through prayers for atonement. Sexually, it may be sought in the lust toward orgasm. Interpersonally, this urge for unity is evident when we tap into states of unbridled attraction that go beyond seeing the other as merely attractive. We don’t actually see them at all, captured in the moment solely by our own sense of selfless longing for connection.

For those anticipating the prospects of a deep merging experience, there comes a necessary softening of their power to self-regulate. Differentiation pauses as an opening occurs for fusion. When the merged state arises, we are engulfed by a return to those first blissful/frightening months of life. And when it is taken from us, we either collapse or rage.

Confronting everyday conflicts with partners soon after experiencing hopes for intimacy naturally provokes autistic and symbiotic memories of detachment from mother. (“What was once my world has been torn asunder.”) Regression into the autistic phase is marked by absolutisms: “I am nothing if you don’t see my point of view.” “I might as well kill myself if you see it that way.” Regression to the symbiotic phase is marked more by violent rejection: “How dare you!” “I want mommy. Go away!” These infantile responses get stirred in the middle of our grown-up lives, yet healthy adulthood never leaves these core feelings behind.

Do We Ever Truly Grow Up?

Our emotional development occurred not in a straight line but as an outward flowering spiral. If we could look at the core stages we passed through from ages 0 to 9 months, we would likely find origins of the most-repeated habits we employ to attain intimacy as adults. Those automatic habits constitute our “unknown knowns”—the unconscious strategies that control our most sophisticated adult interactions.

Even though we never truly graduate from the feelings associated with our core identity development, we learn to recognize them better as they arise. With practice, we also learn to soothe and express those feelings with more finesse.

Fortunately for most of us, our emotional development did not end at 9 months. Collapse and rage are not the only tools at our disposal to deal with the temporary ruptures in our intimate lives. We can look at a blueprint of the separation-individuation stages as defined by classic psychologist Margaret Mahler for clues as to how we developed the capacity to leave our merged existence with mother, eventually to carry that sense of safety within our individuated selves. In part 2 of this series, we will look at how these stages are installed over the first two years of life and how we subconsciously reexperience them as we attempt to build trust with those we love as adults.

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• Differentiation/hatching (5-9 months): The infant becomes increasingly interested in discovering mother (e.g., how she looks or smells) rather than trying to become symbiotically unified with her.
• Practicing (9-14 months): Although able to explore freely, the child still regards mother as unified with child and thus explores surroundings while keeping within an optimal distance.
• Rapprochement (14-24 months): The child’s desire to be all-powerful and self-sufficient is marred by a fear of abandonment. The child reaches a healthy medium between the two extremes due to language and superego development.
• Object constancy (24-plus months): Successful completion of this phase marks the development of an internalized mental model of the mother, which unconsciously accompanies and supports the child even when they are physically separated.

Reference:

Mahler, M., Pine, F., & Bergman, A. (2000). The psychological birth of the human infant symbiosis and individuation. New York, NY: Basic Books.

Dear GoodTherapy.org,

I cheated on my girlfriend. Yes, I’m a cheater and I’ll never live it down. I don’t deserve forgiveness. I don’t deserve her, period! I made the biggest mistake of my life and now I’m on the verge of losing the only person in this world that I can’t live without.

The backstory is that I got too close to a coworker and let my worst instincts get the best of me. We were together 10 or 12 times and I kept rationalizing it somehow in my head. Like, I knew it wasn’t going to be a long-term thing, but I selfishly wanted “strange” sex before the prospect of no longer having it disappeared forever. There was also a time when my girlfriend made out with a guy in a bar. I know that’s not on the same level as what I did—not even close. I just think it was part of my stupid rationalization. I feel so ashamed and disgusted with myself.

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I ended things with the other girl the same day I was caught, but obviously my girlfriend doesn’t trust me now. I don’t really blame her. She says she doesn’t think she can ever trust me again. I have offered to give her all my passwords and go to counseling, whatever it takes, but she says she’s not sure it would matter. Knowing I broke her heart is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to know.

She is taking some time to think about things, and she doesn’t want me to call or text her until she figures out what she wants to do. I am giving her the space she asked for. I am just hoping that when we talk again I can reassure her that I can be trusted. I want to make things right. I know I would never make a mistake like that again, but fixing her trust issues feels impossible. Help! I’ll do anything. —Astray

Submit Your Own Question to a Therapist

Dear Astray,

Thank you for writing. I’m not here to judge. Besides, judgment befogs understanding.

I feel your remorse. This does not mean I want to downplay the harm your behavior has caused to all three parties, including yourself and, presumably, your coworker. Sometimes such actions are indicative of a deeper issue that is not resolved by altering the offending behavior.

I urge you to focus on yourself during this “trial” time needed by your girlfriend. (I would take it as a good sign, by the way, she did not end it outright. The two of you must have built a strong connection prior to your affair.)

You can’t make her trust you again. It may sound counterintuitive, but the best thing you can do for her is to come to a rigorously honest (and empathic) understanding of yourself and what might have motivated this. You might consider couples counseling—or, if she is not willing, individual counseling in the name of compassionate but unyielding self-reflection. Here is an opportunity for a reckoning that could greatly benefit you and your relationship, assuming it survives. Even if it doesn’t, it would benefit your next one.

There is a stark up/down contrast in your descriptions of your girlfriend versus sex with your coworker, which might reflect a good/bad way of perceiving yourself. To hear you tell it, your girlfriend sounds almost unassailably perfect or wholesome (“up”), while your desire for sex with the coworker is “strange” or almost seedy-sounding (“down”). This is a bit of a catch-22 in that you appear to judge something that also remains desirable, that you have misgivings about letting go of “forever.”

You can’t make her trust you again. It may sound counterintuitive, but the best thing you can do for her is to come to a rigorously honest (and empathic) understanding of yourself and what might have motivated this.

You might be surprised at the relatively simple human desires that become camouflaged in sexuality, which itself becomes a way of attaching to a desired other. Perhaps sex with your coworker was a way of soothing whichever vulnerable part of you felt “less than.” Perhaps sharing your vulnerability with your girlfriend felt too risky. (This is all speculation, mind you. I’m just reflecting on examples I have come across over the years.)

You also describe yourself as the lowest of the low, which indicates a struggle for self-esteem or perhaps some self-loathing that was likely present (perhaps unconsciously) before all this started. The behavior confirms what lies dormant. It is as if some part of you were saying, “Go ahead and mess around with your coworker. You don’t deserve your girlfriend anyway. You’re only going to lose her once she discovers the ‘real you,’ so why not?” I imagine this all fed into your rationalizing.

Or, quite possibly, there was a rebellion against feeling less than (“no woman will tell me what I can or can’t do!”)—an assertion of sorts of your freedom before giving up something “forever.” Maybe there was a combination of these two (or more) threads running through this sexual detour.

As for “fixing” your girlfriend’s trust issues, decisive action on your part would go a long way toward showing her you mean business: a genuine effort to understand not just that your behavior was painful, but that something else was “off”—and owning it, examining it, and working on it. Nothing is more courageous than facing one’s own psychological struggles. It never ceases to amaze me how many are simply too afraid or unwilling to do this. Many would rather just “change the channel” or “swipe left” and forget it.

Showing her that you want to use this crisis as an opportunity to better understand yourself, which can only broaden your relational and sexual options in the long run, might show her you intend to grow from this. You might even start to see her as an equal, as opposed to her holding a standard you can never reach (which might create unconscious stress, resentment, self-criticism, and so on).

The worst thing you can do is try to shove all this back in the closet and quickly move on. Doing so practically ensures it will happen again in some other form. I can assure you there is nothing innately “bad” about what is behind this. You may discover, with help and diligence, that what lies behind it all is something stunningly human.

In the meantime, be patient and accepting of what your girlfriend needs. Talk is indeed cheap. Show her you will do what it takes to make this right. If you’re going to earn back her trust, it will start with respecting her needs during this difficult time. If you use the space to work on yourself, you will be better prepared to provide what she needs in the future.

Best wishes,

Darren Haber, PsyD, MFT

Water is water.

Are you thinking, “Of course water is water. What else would it be?”

Perfect. If you’re thinking that, you’re already on the right track to understanding human behavior and what it means for partner rules of engagement. What do I mean by rules of engagement? Rules of engagement refer to the set of rules a person follows when engaging with a particular target. The target discussed in this article is a person’s partner.

What does the expression “Water is water” have to do with the rules a person must follow when engaging with their partner?

Well, water is a chemical substance that can exist as a solid, liquid, or gas. Water is an odorless liquid at ambient temperature and pressure—the typical temperature and pressure of the surrounding environment. Essentially, water’s natural state is liquid. But when you lower or increase the temperature or pressure, it can change into another matter state. If water is cold enough, it can turn into ice. If it is hot enough, it can turn into a gas.

Our Natural States of Being

What do water and human beings have in common?

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Just like water, we have our natural states. But we can exist in many emotional and behavioral forms—depending on the emotional temperature or life pressure placed on us. For example, you may be sitting on the sofa frustrated that your partner (or child!) will not help you clean the house unless you get into an argument and make ultimatums. You become frustrated each time you have to do this, but you are equally frustrated when they go back to their natural state of not helping you clean up until you again put pressure on them.

Water is water.

You may be upset that your partner does not plan romantic dates. While this is upsetting on its own, you are more grieved at the realization that the only time your partner does plan a romantic date is after you have a heartfelt discussion about unmet needs in your relationship. After some time passes, your partner goes right back to the state of not planning romantic dates.

Just like water, we have our natural states. But we can exist in many emotional and behavioral forms—depending on the emotional temperature or life pressure placed on us.

Water is water.

You may be a newly engaged partner struggling with your partner’s constant tardiness. You have tried to deal with your partner being late to everything in the past. But now your partner is late to what you consider one of the most important moments of your life, planning your wedding. You are concerned that, unless you get upset and draw a line in the sand, your partner will not show up to planning sessions on time. To make matters worse, you just know your partner will only be punctual a few times after an argument and will shortly go back to being the late-to-everything partner.

Water is water.

New Rules of Engagement

Even when certain facts impact behavioral change, a person’s natural state tends to remain the default. Of course, it is possible for a person to change, but this change generally comes from within.

What can you do about this?

You can try out new partner rules of engagement. These three rules can be established at any phase of the relationship.

1. Be a partner researcher. Have you heard the saying, “The best defense is a good offense”? While dating, become an investigator of your partner’s natural states. Dating is an environment that can change the temperature and pressure of the surrounding environment. When a person says their partner was “not like this when we were dating,” that is often quite true. The pressure of being a good candidate can push someone to temporarily behave in a way that differs from the way they might typically behave. A person might be on their best behavior while dating, in other words. But as dating continues, the changed temperature and pressure in that environment becomes more ambient, or typical. A person’s natural tendencies may be more apparent than tendencies under pressure. Determine what their natural states are. If you are already in a committed, long-term relationship, examine their natural tendencies as seen across the relationship.
2. Analyze your partner data. So you’ve determined your partner’s natural states. What do you do with that information? It helps to take a step back and determine what “pressures” tend to change their matter states. For example, you determined your partner seemed more spontaneous early in the relationship but is not naturally spontaneous. When you go to your partner and express your desire for more spontaneity, however, a change happens. They engage in more spontaneous behavior for the next few months. This tells you your partner can engage in behavior change and is willing to try to meet your needs when these needs are communicated.
3. Interpret and make decisions. You recognize your partner has some great natural states and others that might bother you. Do you feel connected enough to your partner that you can accept all the potential existing states? Or are some of the natural states unbearable? You might recognize that no one is perfect and feel able to commit to working together with your partner, accepting all of their natural states. Or you may have determined that although your partner has some great natural states, you do not want to have to continually adjust the temperature or pressure, so to speak, to get your partner to engage in desired behaviors more often. After you have decided your level of commitment, you can decide if you can continue on in the relationship. Before you can make this decision, understand your partner is likely to go back to their natural state when the pressure become ambient. If you feel the amount of persistent pressure you would have to maintain to get more of what you need may be too much of a commitment, you may choose to move toward other partnership opportunities.

The principles of these rules of engagement don’t only apply to romantic relationships. Remembering “Water is water” can be helpful when you experience frustration with the natural state of a parent, child, friend, or coworker. The ability of humans to evolve and change matter states is truly marvelous. But we all have our default, or natural, states.

Under pressure, and in the right temperature, we can engage in behavior change. But we always have the potential to go back to our natural state. Both empathy for a partner’s natural states and love through all the states enable us to maintain long-term commitments. You may be able to adjust both pressure and temperature in your relationship, but you cannot change anyone but yourself. Applying the partner rules of engagement can help you determine if you can accept and love your partner’s natural states.

The next time you feel disappointed when your partner does not help with the kids, clean the apartment, take the trash out, or plan a romantic date, say to yourself “Water is water” and talk to your partner about how you feel. Couples therapy can also be a great place to process relational dynamics and determine action steps both of you might take to create change in your relationship. If you’d like help processing what “Water is water” means in your relationship and exploring action steps you might take based on your analyses, reach out to a qualified counselor in your area.

When we think of developmental milestones, we often think of children. But a lot of people aren’t aware that we continue to experience change points in life as we grow and age. As part of these changes, we may face both internal and societal pressures to meet certain “typical” developmental milestones.

One of the expectations society tends to place on us during middle age is that we have reached the peak of our careers and the arc of our relationship and family development.

If you are reading this blog, then there is a good chance you are already all too aware that this expectation can leave many middle-aged single people feeling lost, isolated, and left out of the “race.”

It is easy for me to say things like, “We don’t all experience life in the same ways,” and “There is no one right way to live life.” But it’s not always easy to hear things like that when you’re the one who is single and looking all around you at social media posts and community members who seem to have it all. Seeing others succeeding in their relationships when you are single and don’t want to be can leave you feeling isolated and grossly left behind.

3 Feelings You May Have

1. Confusion

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Maybe you are a person who, by most standards, has your life together. Maybe you are gainfully employed, social, reasonably attractive, and willing to put yourself out there. But you still don’t seem to be meeting the right people, including someone who could be the true love mate you’re looking for.

You see all the people in your inner circle moving forward, buying second homes, and sending kids off to college. But you haven’t even met the person you are supposed to be with yet.

Your friends may boast about how amazing you are. They tell you how sure they are you will find the person who will love you until death do you part (if you are into that sort of thing). But their reassurances may actually make you feel worse.

If all the above variables are true, of course you are confused. Why wouldn’t you be? You are confused because you have done the work and put in the time. But you still feel, for some reason, it isn’t happening.

I want to validate for you here that feeling confused about why everyone around you seems to be “getting it” when you aren’t is normal. It’s human. And anyone else in your shoes would likely be confused, too.

It can help to lean into the confusion without judgment. Sometimes we simply don’t have the answers to why we are going through something in life until later down the road. By simply allowing the questions, without needing immediate answers, we can take some of the strain we are feeling down a few notches. Doing so can also help us have more compassion for ourselves. Confusion is valid, yes. Beating ourselves up for it is not likely to be helpful, though.

2. Fear

Fear is a part of life. We all experience it from time to time. You might fear never finding someone to date, let alone spend the rest of your life with. You are not alone in this. I have often heard people I’m working with in therapy and middle-aged friends who are single report fears of being alone forever. Some also say they have spent so much time alone they are afraid they’ve forgotten how to date or be in a relationship.

It is normal to feel disappointed and afraid when life lands you in a spot you hadn’t expected. But it can be a good rule of thumb in these moments to take stock of the positive things you do have in your life.

It is normal to feel disappointed and afraid when life lands you in a spot you hadn’t expected. But it can be a good rule of thumb in these moments to take stock of the positive things you do have in your life. In some ways, your single status (while it may not be ideal) may have freed you up to do any number of things your partnered friends don’t have the financial freedom or time to enjoy.

The more you focus on the gifts of your current situation, the more likely you are to attract a partner. But not just any partner, the right partner—a person who will meet your already situated and joyful life.

The ideal relationship isn’t born out of desperation or fear. But one can certainly develop from the self-love and self-growth that stems from that initial fear.

3. Left behind

If you are middle-aged and single, it is likely that many of the people you know are in relationships or married, often with children. When a person has a partner, children, and a career to focus on, they may spend less time with their friends as a result. They might check in with their single friends even less. You may feel lonely as a result of these changes. But the changes don’t mean your friends with families have stopped caring about you. It just means their availability has changed.

But this type of relationship change, especially when it seems to happen with a lot of people at once, can leave a single person feeling forgotten, left out and sometimes even all alone. Even those who are fiercely independent and love their own company may find that over time, going to parties, baby showers, and weddings alone can become draining and exacerbate feelings of fear and confusion.

When you’re feeling left out or left behind, it can help to realize your friends have reached a phase in life where spending time with friends is no longer a priority. They are still your friends. But it might be time to consider taking steps to make more friends who are aligned with your current life path. Even a simple step, like joining a local group, taking an art or exercise class, or spending more time at your local coffee shop, can make a difference. It can also help to spend more time in places in your community, where the faces are familiar and new friendships can blossom.

Tips to Cope

Surrounding yourself with other people who are living a shared experience may help you feel better about your current situation. This shift alone can help alter the feelings of being isolated or “different” that can come up as you go through a phase of life that is not the same as that of the people around you.

It can also help to keep the following in mind:

• Remember that social media isn’t reality. People may post pictures and weekly updates detailing how amazing their lives and families are on social media, but these photos don’t always tell the whole story. I know many people who have difficult living situations and still post happy pictures on social media. It can help to remember that you probably don’t know anyone’s full story.
• Remember you aren’t alone. You aren’t the only person who has been in your situation, and you also aren’t the only person in a similar situation at this time. While it is entirely normal to feel alone if your current life experience isn’t the majority experience, it doesn’t mean you are actually alone. Just remembering that can have a big difference on your current feelings and future outlook.
• Remember we all go through difficult periods in life. All of us face challenges. These challenges may differ from person to person, but everyone experiences times in life when they are up and times when they are down. Going through a down cycle today does not mean your time isn’t just around the corner. Stay positive, but stay grounded. The best time of your life may be waiting around the corner.

If you struggle with working through concerns related to relationships, singlehood, or aging on your own, a compassionate, qualified counselor can provide support and guidance.

As a couples therapist, I receive a lot of calls from couples in which one partner is either in or recently completed a recovery program. I wish there was a manual to help couples navigate this transition. Whether it’s completing inpatient treatment, starting therapy, or a beginning a 12-step program, navigating recovery in a relationship can be unfamiliar, uncertain, and tricky.

Through my years working with couples and drug and alcohol addiction, I have observed some helpful and not-so-helpful strategies. Here are 10 tips for couples navigating recovery:

1. Share your stories.

If one partner left for an extended period for inpatient treatment, the other may feel left out of the process. Additionally, the partner at home must manage the household alone and perhaps take care of the family as a single parent. Both partners have gone through significant ups and downs but have done so separately.

I encourage partners to debrief with each other and share their stories of time apart. What were the hardest parts? What were the biggest victories? How did they feel supported? When did they feel alone?

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2. Find healthy ways to include your partner in recovery.

At times, I see couples do their recovery completely separately. They attend meetings, share with sponsors, work their steps, and go through significant therapy. They create deep and meaningful relationships with others, but not with their partner.

While you do not want your partner to be your sponsor or the overseer of your program, it is important to include them in healthy ways. Whether you have attended Alcoholics Anonymous or Al-Anon or participated in a group therapy session, share how it impacted you. Share how it elicited compassion for the struggles of your partner, or how it made you think differently about something in your own recovery.

3. Share your process and your struggles.

While it may not be helpful or advisable to tell your partner about every urge and triggering thought, a daily or nightly check-in could help. Questions you could ask each other: What were your highs and lows from the day? What was a success? What was a struggle? What are some ways I can be there for you?

These are not fix-it sessions or opportunities to give advice. You are just listening—without judgment—to your partner about where they are.

4. Find ways to encourage each other’s recovery.

If you feel your partner isn’t taking their recovery seriously, it can be tempting to criticize or put down their efforts. Instead, try encouraging their recovery. Try phrases such as: “I know it can be hard to stay the course. I believe in you.” “It brings me a lot of relief and reassurance when I see you commit to your program.” “I have a lot of hope for us when I see you prioritize your recovery.”

Criticism can be deflating, but hope can be motivating.

5. Practice compassion and empathy.

Put yourself in your partner’s shoes. How hard is it to fight the daily battle of addiction? What kinds of feelings and emotions do they experience due to their addictive behaviors? What is the hardest part of their recovery?

Alternatively, how hard is it to watch a loved one struggle with addictive behaviors? What kinds of feelings and emotions do they experience as a result of their partner’s addictive behaviors?

6. Find healthy ways to lean on each other emotionally.

Couples in recovery often struggle to connect with each other in a way that isn’t “codependent.” I view codependency as the unhealthy behaviors we use to try to connect or protect the relationship.

However, there are healthy ways to connect. There is this amazing tool in your recovery tool belt called your relationship. Not learning to use the power of your relationship for emotional comfort and support is like not using a top-of-the-line tool in your toolbox. It’s true your partner cannot be your sponsor or CEO of your recovery. People in recovery tend to lean on others in their recovery community when they struggle. While these relationships are crucial to success, your partner is an important person to talk to, confide in, and draw support from.

7. Praise each other!

Has your partner completed a milestone in their sobriety? Have they taken a risk and tried something new? Tell them what a great job they’re doing. Share your successes with each other and use praise liberally. Make sure your partner knows you see their efforts.

8. Learn.

Pick up a book, read a blog, talk to people on the other side of the fence. If you are struggling with addiction, read about what loved ones go through. Or talk to a partner of someone dealing with addiction.

If your partner has addictive behaviors, read about the grip of addiction and how hard it is to break. Talk to someone who is also in recovery.

9. Work through the hurts.

This may require the help of a couples therapist. Addictive behaviors can create a lot of hurt in a couple and family. Seek the help of an experienced therapist who can guide you both toward healing. Ultimately, you want to create a safe space for each other to share any painful emotions that develop.

10. Share your fears.

It is normal to have fears about the recovery process. Will my partner stay committed? Will they relapse? Will I have to go through this again? Will my partner be there for me? Will they ever forgive me?

You may cover up fears with questions or by criticizing your partner’s recovery. Did you go to your meeting today? Have you been to therapy lately? Which leads to the next fear: Is this relationship going to survive?

Instead of criticizing or questioning your partner’s efforts, share your fears and your need for reassurance.