At an age when human development can be awkward and challenging, a large number of children are additionally burdened with their parents’ divorce and resulting implications. Parental strife, parent-child conflict, familial and residential changes, financial problems—these factors and more can create the perfect storm of adolescent angst. As divorce affects every person differently, it also affects developmental age ranges differently. Even as they transition toward independence, adolescents continue to be caught in the upheaval and end of their families as they knew them.

Although the groundbreaking 25-year study by Wallerstein and Lewis (2004) is now 12 years old, its findings are still relevant today. Divorced children of all ages eventually reach a conclusion that terrifies them: personal relationships are unreliable, and even the closest family relationships cannot be expected to hold firm. This realization creates a shaky foundation that adolescents then use as a touchstone and reference when making their way in the world.

As further noted by Wallerstein and Lewis, two-thirds of the children they studied experienced multiple marriages and divorces, plus the unrecorded broken love affairs and temporary cohabitations of one or both parents. Fewer than 10% of the children had parents who established stable, lasting second marriages in which the children felt fully welcome and included. The frequent discrepancy in the post-divorce adjustment of their parents was also a source of deep distress to the children well into adulthood.

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It makes sense, then, that the turbulence and resultant pain associated with divorce creates a barrier for adolescent children of divorce to feel stable and hopeful. When adolescents see their parents divorce, there may be either a sense of “it won’t happen to me (when I’m an adult)” or “all relationships end up broken, so I won’t even try.” Which is why, as noted in the study, divorce is not an acute stress from which the child recovers, but a “life-transforming experience” (Wallerstein and Lewis, 2004).

Often, a dramatic change in family structure accompanies divorce. Logistically, one parent must leave the family home. This parental absence creates an absence in the child’s life that is irreversible. Although adolescents are moving toward independence, the parental role is far from minimized at this age. Adolescents accustomed to two parents typically come to rely on them as moral guides, support systems, and physical presences in their lives. As written by Marquardt (2005), almost two-thirds of divorced children felt they lived in two families and inherited two worlds in which to grow up. This sense of division can be challenging if there are two sets of rules and standards to balance. It is almost as if children become travelers into the newly adopted lives of their parents, but without a road map to navigate the pathways.

Family dynamics often change drastically with the addition of significant others into the lives of newly divorced parents. Mothers get boyfriends, fathers get girlfriends, and sometimes these relationships come with additional children. Never do divorced adolescents feel more alone than when they come to see themselves as “third wheels.”

Divorce also may bring about an enormous reallocation of money. Some researchers have suggested that the economic hardship custodial parents face following divorce is the critical factor in predicting children’s post-divorce adjustment. Dramatic losses in income may contribute to additional life stresses such as moving to a smaller residence in neighborhoods with increased crime, lower quality schools, and loss of familiar and developed community supports. Lower income also forces many custodial parents to work additional hours to cover basic necessities and bills. Financial strain, by the way, is one of the strongest predictors of depression in single parents.

Another significant aspect of divorce includes child support. Even though parents have been supporting their children financially since birth, the divorce and resultant child support payments create the illusion children are now a mandated financial obligation, like a loan or a bill, which may become a contentious battle if payments are withheld or missed.

Family dynamics often change drastically with the addition of significant others into the lives of newly divorced parents. Mothers get boyfriends, fathers get girlfriends, and sometimes these relationships come with additional children. Never do divorced adolescents feel more alone than when they come to see themselves as “third wheels.”

Overall, according to Wallerstein (2004), adolescents from divorced homes acted out more than adolescents from intact homes. Twenty percent of girls in the Wallerstein study had their first sexual experience before age 14, and over half were sexually active with multiple partners during high school. As noted, it isn’t the sex itself that was relevant; it was the attention received. Divorce creates a void, and adolescents test themselves and their parents with their choices to fill it.

While divorce is often inevitable, its implications are far-reaching to all involved. Adolescents are particularly affected given they simultaneously want independence while needing nurturing and guidance. If parents are divided and conflicted, adolescent angst may be intensified, potentially causing lifelong issues.

References:

1. Marquartdt, E. (2005). Between two worlds: The inner lives of children of divorce. New York, NY: Three Rivers Press.
2. Wallerstein, J., & Lewis, J. (2004). The unexpected legacy of divorce: Report of a 25-year study. Psychoanalytic Psychology, Vol. 21 (3).

When the uniquely challenging task of raising children is supported within the community, it benefits families and society as a whole. Given that communities are made up of diverse families, it would stand to reason those who care for children and provide opportunities for both parents and children to connect to others are stronger and higher functioning.

Given the demands they face and the futures they’re responsible for, all parents can benefit from support. The first step for parents in getting the support they need is to ask for it. However, many parents are at a loss as to where to look for support, and others may feel uncomfortable accepting support when it is offered. When parents receive the support they need, they’re likely to be more relaxed and healthier, set an example for their children that it is okay to ask for help, and show their kids the value in both helping and being helped.

The primary objective of community-based support programs for parents is to increase their capacity to develop the skills to acquire resources, a support network, and services. Community-based parent support programs and initiatives can have a direct impact on child behavior outcomes in that they enhance parents’ capabilities and efficacy, particularly when they are family-centered as opposed to professionally centered.

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Family-centered or help-giving approaches move away from the perception professionals are the experts who determine the needs of parents and prescribe what to do to increase their quality of life. Family-centered clinicians see themselves as facilitating parents in finding the resources and support they need. In my experience as a therapist working with families, parents who perceive themselves to be more competent have more positive interactions with their children, which I believe encourages children’s social and emotional development and has a positive impact on behavior.

Characteristics to look for in community-based parent support programs are a high degree of respect, high regard, compassionate support, family choice for intervention options, resources to make informed decisions, and access to supports that allow parents to nurture their children using techniques that create optimal outcomes.

Family-centered or help-giving approaches move away from the perception professionals are the experts who determine the needs of parents and prescribe what to do to increase their quality of life.

The way help is provided in these support programs can have a direct impact on their outcomes. Help should be provided using methods that promote parental self-efficacy and the ability to foster social and emotional development of children. Programs that function in a family-centered manner may increase parents’ sense of confidence and competence. Practices that elicit parents’ feedback on information they believe is important, and that actively solicit parental participation, also help to achieve this.

When parents are provided opportunities for personal growth, and to gain the knowledge and skills to perform in leader roles, parent leadership is fostered. Parent leadership is said to be successful when there is solid collaboration between parents and practitioners with a foundation of mutual respect, equal responsibility, expertise, and confidence in the decisions being made that impact their families and the greater community.

The benefits of these programs and initiatives aren’t limited to those being helped. Parents who get involved to provide support for other parents may feel a sense of pride and fulfillment in knowing they are making a difference while simultaneously promoting their own growth and development.

Some resources for finding and accessing community-based support programs for parents include:

• Parenting and family support organizations
• Local parenting groups and play groups
• Schools
• Babysitting clubs
• Libraries
• Government agencies (e.g., departments of human and health services)
• Family and friends

References:

1. Dunst, C.J., Trivette, C.M., & Hamby, D. W.(2006). Family support program quality and parent, family and child benefits. Asheville, NC: Winterberry Press.
2. Dunst, C. J., Trivette, C. M., & Hamby, D. W. (2008). Research synthesis and meta-analysis of studies of family-centered practices. Asheville, NC: Winterberry Press.
3. Kagan, S. L., Weissbourd, B., eds. (1994). Putting families first: America’s family support movement and the challenge of change. San Francisco, CA: Jossey-Bass.
4. Layzer, J. I., Goodson, B. D., Bernstein, L., & Price, C. (2001). National evaluation of family support programs: Final report. Cambridge, MA: Abt Associates.

A trait parents of gifted children often struggle with is the incredibly strong will within their sweet and thoughtful child. This trait, an intensity often associated with giftedness, can make a gifted child appear distressingly oppositional and defiant. This type of behavioral issue is often misunderstood.

Typical strategies, such as removing a beloved object or a time-out, are less likely to work with strong-willed gifted children because the underlying reason for the negative behavior usually relates to perseverating upon a personal value. In other words, the reason for the refusal to comply is often based on a combination of cognitive dissonance along with a perception of injustice.

When the tried-and-true strategies don’t work, try a different take on supporting your child’s emotional development. A technique called scaffolding can be especially beneficial for fostering emotional growth in your strong-willed gifted child because it demonstrates a pathway to positive understanding, and thus there is less countering against a behavior.

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Teachers often use scaffolding as a way to enhance learning. Literal scaffolding is used in construction, where the scaffolding is a temporary structure built up on the outside of a structure in order to create the desired building. In this way, scaffolding is used as support for growing a building. The scaffolding does not take over a building, nor does it become the building. When it is no longer needed, the scaffolding is removed, and it can be built up again if needed later.

Scaffolding with gifted children promotes improved self-esteem and self-efficacy, and feeling you are good at what you do, which in turn can have a long-term impact on reducing negative behaviors, anxiety, and depressive symptoms.

Scaffolding support allows you to figuratively come up alongside children in support, where you are at their level as opposed to towering above.

Scaffolding also addresses asynchronous development, which is when a child is more mature in some ways and less mature in others. Cognitive dissonance is common in asynchronous individuals because of the disparity in their development.

Keep in mind that scaffolding is a type of support, and is not about taking over your child’s learning tasks. Scaffolding support allows you to figuratively come up alongside children in support, where you are at their level as opposed to towering above. To avoid dependency, be consistent with support at first, and then adjust and diminish your support as your child gains confidence.

When using scaffolding, pay attention to the small details, especially your own voice. Speak in a tone of voice geared toward the youngest emotional age presented by the child, while not speaking down intellectually.

This takes some practice, but can be very effective. The following tips delineate ways to creatively work with your gifted child’s strong will, promoting growth and offering an alternative communication style for conflict resolution:

1. Provide support for who they are. This means you help your children discover their own traits, and help build their self-concept of who they are (not yours).
2. Do not assume gifted children know their strengths, skills, and especially their efforts, just because they are gifted. No one comes with an owner’s manual.
3. Promote self-understanding in more than one venue. For example, you might help gifted children better understand themselves by having them do projects that reflect their particular characteristics. The activity could be making a collage or gardening—the activity itself does not matter, as the important thing is to make sure the focus reflects their characteristics.
4. Comment on strengths at every opportunity. Some strengths are easy to spot. For example, “I noticed how kind you were to that child who fell down. You are caring.” Also, look for strengths in characteristics that might not be so obvious. For example, “I heard you say you felt shy, and I also saw how you paid attention to things others might not have noticed.” Pointing out strengths helps create an environment of acceptance. As your child notices and feels your acceptance, you are helping them to accept themselves.
5. Gently point out challenges along with hope and positive guidance. This includes identifying feelings, if applicable. For example, you could say, “Sometimes I notice you struggling with anger. It doesn’t look comfortable, and this is something you can change. I have some ideas for you to try.” Identifying challenges while planting seeds of hope not only helps your child learn to identify needs, it demonstrates to them you notice and accept them with an understanding of their traits, including their most challenging ones.
6. Pay attention to your tone of voice. Use a tone of voice that is geared toward the youngest emotional age your child presents at a given time, while your vocabulary meets them where they are at intellectually. In this way, you are also taking into account asynchronous development.
7. Acknowledge and celebrate their efforts. This does not mean you should throw a party. Instead, positively remark on effort and identify the accompanying feeling. For example, “You really put a lot of effort into practicing the violin. That must feel good!”

Offering scaffolding support can help your gifted child learn to utilize their strengths while building confidence and self-understanding. These are essential for effectively managing conflict in a precocious, strong-willed child, and can provide a solid foundation for mitigating perseverant convictions. Never hesitate to seek support from a licensed mental health professional if you need help.

Any divorcing parent knows that one of the hardest parts of a marital ending is feeling forced to stay connected to someone you don’t particularly want to see or spend time with. Not all co-parenting situations are toxic—in fact, many couples find parenting is easier after they have separated—but the adjustment to parenting separately can be tricky for anyone.

Children can be one of the biggest stressors on a marriage, and even when that marriage ends, the co-parenting relationship maintains its own level of stress. Once your custody has been set, you may be faced with all sorts of issues and circumstances that challenge you to reflect on your parenting strategies. Among your considerations: how best to cope with your ex as you figure out what this new relationship means and how it’s supposed to go.

Productive co-parenting isn’t about following any particular formula. Each couple has their own unique dynamic, story, and situation that needs to be worked out in a way that serves the context of that family. However, there are techniques, strategies, and practices that can improve both the co-parenting dynamic and each partner’s experience of that relationship.

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In my work with divorce, my focus is almost always on what each individual can work on within themselves. I encourage couples and individuals to refrain from trying to change or control their partners, and to focus on their own thoughts, feelings, and behaviors instead. Based on that philosophy, here are five strategies you can use to improve your co-parenting relationship that are completely within your control.

1. Use Empathy and Your Child’s Perspective

Having compassion for an ex can be hard when there has been betrayal, hurt, or rejection, but this is an essential component to co-parenting well. Seeing the situation through your child’s eyes will help you drop down into your heart, and it may give you a different perspective as you deal with your ex. Children simply want to feel loved, safe, and to spend time with their parents, so if you can make your main intention to help them in these respects, you’ll be co-parenting from a compassionate place. As you co-parent, remember it’s more about your child than you, and stepping into that place of empathy will be a good reminder. No matter how much you struggle with your ex, your children are always the priority.

2. Set Clear Boundaries and Maintain Structure

From the minute your marriage ended, your marital relationship shifted into something different, but you may still be engaging in old dynamics. Many of the ways you interacted with your ex in marriage are no longer appropriate or necessary, and a lack of good boundaries may make it even harder to transition into a new way of relating. Becoming clear about what works for you as you move forward untangling the relationship may help you set healthy boundaries. This includes how your children are picked up, whether your ex has a key to the house, and what kind of contact there is when you have the kids. Your boundaries may be violated, but it’s still important to communicate them.

3. Relinquish Control and Accept What’s Happening

There may be things you don’t approve of when it comes to your ex’s parenting style, or how they spend time with the kids. You may also feel differently about introducing a new partner or dating when it comes to parenting time. The reality is that more often than not you have no say over how your ex decides to live. Unless the situation is dangerous or neglectful, you need to learn to accept and let go of your need to control what happens in your absence. Instead of trying to control or change what’s happening, learn to let go, accept, and work with it as best you can. This is one of the hardest consequences of co-parenting, but also the one thing that can really reduce unnecessary stress.

4. Maintain Your Values and Live from Integrity

No matter how frustrated or annoyed you feel about co-parenting with your ex, maintaining your integrity and sticking to your values is essential. It’s easy to get pulled into ugly dynamics or engage in bad behavior when your buttons are pushed, but keeping your cool and staying true to yourself will feel better than reacting. It can help to make a list of the traits and qualities you want to uphold as you co-parent. These might include patience, kindness, respect, and/or grace. These are hard to stick to when you are dealing with someone who doesn’t have the same agenda, but rising above and taking the high road will be better for you and your kids.

5. Enjoy Your Time Off

Many parents spend the whole time they don’t have their children worrying and waiting for them to come back. It’s hard to not see your children half the time, but this alone time can be considered a silver lining. The more you take care of yourself by using that time to reboot and replenish, the better you’ll be for your children when you have them. Try practicing self-care, spending time with friends, exercising, or just having quiet time. All of these forms of self-support may lead to a greater sense of happiness, and you’ll have more space for caregiving and for dealing with your ex.

Learning to co-parent well is a growth-promoting process. You gain skills in negotiating, compromising, as well as stretching your internal capacities for compassion, patience, and empathy. All aspects of divorce can be used to transform the self, so making co-parenting another arena for becoming a better person may shift your focus and intention as you manage this challenging part of the process.

Parents who play video games with their children may have a better understanding of how those games affect children, according to a study by researchers from the University of Oxford and Cardiff University published in PeerJ.

The effects of video games on children remains a contested topic. A 2015 American Psychological Association task force report asserted a link between violent video games and aggression. Some studies—including a 2015 study of 200 children—undermine this claim, finding no association between video games and violence. Video games may also affect children’s mental health. A 2016 study found a slight association between video game play and depression and conduct issues.

Should Parents Play Video Games with Kids?

The study involved three trials designed to assess attitudes toward video games. The first study polled 959 men and 1,019 women about their attitudes toward and experience with video games. Attitudes toward video games were more positive among those who played games frequently.

The second study assessed 483 men and 517 women on their attitudes toward video games, including their belief in inaccurate assertions about video games, such as the assumption that games cause mass shootings. That study determined older groups, as well as those with only limited game-play experience, were more likely to have negative views of video games and to endorse inaccurate assertions about games. They were also more likely to believe law should restrict game access.

A third study of 929 men and 987 women assessed experience with video games, but also asked about the participants’ status as parents. Researchers asked parents if they played video games with their children and how they believed video games affected their children.

[fat_widget_right]Parents who played video games with their children were more likely to have a nuanced view of video game play, citing both benefits and drawbacks. Women reported less exposure to game play, either by themselves or with their children, and were more likely to hold negative beliefs about video game exposure. Overall, parents who regularly played games with their children were about three times as likely to have accurate beliefs about the effects of video gaming.

The study’s authors say their results point to the ways inexperience can contribute to bias in perceptions of gaming.

Video Game Recommendations

The American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) still recommends no “screen time” in front of televisions or digital media for children under age 2. For older children, the organization no longer proposes a hard limit on screen time. Instead, it suggests parental involvement matters, parents should evaluate the content of the media their children consume, and children need limits to prevent technology from interfering with other activities. The AAP also points to the importance of other activities, such as outdoor time and reading, and encourages parents to establish “screen-free zones.”

References:

1. Media and children. (n.d.). Retrieved from https://www.aap.org/en-us/advocacy-and-policy/aap-health-initiatives/pages/media-and-children.aspx
2. Parents know best about effects of video games on children (2016, April 12). Retrieved from http://medicalxpress.com/news/2016-04-parents-effects-video-games-children.html
3. Przybylski, A. K., & Weinstein, N. (2016). How we see electronic games. PeerJ,4. doi:10.7717/peerj.1931
4. Shapiro, J. (2015, September 30). The American Academy of Pediatrics just changed their guidelines on kids and screen time. Retrieved from http://www.forbes.com/sites/jordanshapiro/2015/09/30/the-american-academy-of-pediatrics-just-changed-their-guidelines-on-kids-and-screen-time/#5d4e61d7137c

I am so sorry for your loss. You are understandably grieving. You’ve lost your partner unexpectedly, and if that weren’t enough to cope with, you are also trying to take care of your grieving children—who are likely trying to make sense of an incomprehensible situation. Of course you are struggling.

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You get overwhelmed because your reserves of emotional energy are depleted. Having enough to give to three children is challenging in the best of circumstances. Finding ways to give under these circumstances requires superhuman strength. Additionally, if you are feeling bad about taking time for yourself, that “me time” people recommend isn’t replenishing you but rather adding guilty feelings to the mix. I’d be surprised if you weren’t struggling.

Feeling lost and disconnected and sad and angry are absolutely natural responses to all of this. Grief is complex.

You ask if you are afraid of losing your children or afraid they will bring painful memories of your husband. You also wonder if your anger is a factor. The answers are inside you, but based on what you’ve related, in all likelihood yes—to all of it, and probably more. Your world has changed swiftly and dramatically, and not by any choice of your own. Feeling lost and disconnected and sad and angry are absolutely natural responses to all of this. Grief is complex.

The stages of grief—denial, bargaining, anger, depression, and acceptance—do not necessarily flow smoothly or quickly. Many people move from one stage to another and back again as memories and feelings are triggered. There is no timeline for moving through your grief and integrating it. Time will help, but so will finding the right kind of support.

If you haven’t already started working with a therapist in your area, I recommend that you find one for yourself and for your children, either together or separately. Having a safe and supportive place to work through all the feelings that come with such a loss and major life transition can help you heal and find your way back to your children … and yourself.

Best of luck,
Erika

First, thanks for writing. Second, I’m sorry to hear about your travails; I can only imagine the exhausting and frightening roller-coaster you have been riding. Finally, this may or may not surprise you, but even as a therapist I can relate to your question, “What kind of therapy is best?” I recently read an article by a newly licensed and overwhelmed therapist who said there are something like 200-plus “modalities” for therapists to choose from. It seems every other day someone is inventing a new approach to this, that, and the other. One research study says this approach is solid, the next one says the opposite. No wonder you’re confused!

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Fortunately, clarity can be found, because ultimately any good therapist—in my experience—is there to answer the question, “What is most helpful or healing for this particular person at this particular time?” Nearly all research studies come to the common conclusion that a safe and trusting therapeutic relationship is central to a helpful treatment. If someone has a viscerally strong response for or against one of my recommendations, my job is not to call this “resistance” but rather to listen, explore, and learn what’s going on.

So, point one: Is the therapist you’re talking to listening to you, as an individual, not a generic “anxious client” or “parent of an addicted child,” etc.?

In general, human beings prefer certainty to ambiguity, but offering too much certainty as a therapist is misleading and maybe even unethical. No one has a “lock” on what to do for sure. Now, practical suggestions can be helpful and reassuring. A common “tip” a therapist might offer someone in your situation might be to attend Al-Anon meetings. It certainly couldn’t hurt to try the program. There is much to be gained, even if it ultimately isn’t a good fit. (I’ll return to Al-Anon in a minute.) Other suggestions, such as “Take care of yourself” or “Don’t enable the addicted person” or “Detach with love” are a little more problematic, because although they might sound good, but what do they mean for you and your loved one, in this particular case, with whatever circumstances are happening at that time?

What if a person grew up in a family where setting certain types of boundaries, or stating one’s needs or limitations, drew traumatizing emotional fire? Are they being weak for not “speaking up” or “asserting their needs”? Trauma tells us something is still prohibited or dangerous, in the present, since we are wired for self-protection and safety above all. This is where self-help gives way to psychology, to empathic understanding and exploration of a person’s experiences, beliefs, and needs. Some parents may tell me, “Not giving my addicted child money feels like I’m killing them.” It would be easy for me to wave this off and urge them to withhold—“Hey, it’s for their own good”—but, again, that might be overly simplistic.

I would certainly recommend that you seek a therapist who has experience working with families and parents of addicted children, someone who can empathize and offer suggestions that make sense for you and your circumstances. A sense of safety and trust is essential.

I would certainly recommend that you seek a therapist who has experience working with families and parents of addicted children, someone who can empathize and offer suggestions that make sense for you and your circumstances. A sense of safety and trust is essential. One litmus test is, can you give the therapist feedback on what is or isn’t helpful and how does the therapist handle it? If they become defensive or claim it’s all your “resistance,” I say move on sooner rather than later.

Other factors you’ll want to look for: experience with addiction as it affects families; knowledge of treatment options (including local or community support groups besides or in addition to Al-Anon, and an understanding of Al-Anon, come to think of it!); and a patient but persistent curiosity about your experience. If it seems like a lot to ask, it may be; but to be honest, so what? Addiction is a merciless, complicated issue (some prefer to say “disease,” others don’t); it takes a lot from people and asks a lot from families, so it stands to reason people in therapy will, at least some of the time, need a lot from their therapists. It comes with the territory.

I also suggest you try at least two or three therapists to get a sense of different styles and so forth. This is not uncommon, and it makes a lot of sense.

Finally, a word on Al-Anon. Some swear by it, others say “stay away at all costs.” I think any rigid position is potentially harmful. I think trying it is a good idea. (It is also good role modeling for your child, who may not be so keen on attending meetings at first but may ultimately find them essential.) Try a few different meetings; attending one and disliking it is common, but no two meetings are the same and some fit better than others. Some are turned off by the spiritual talk, others aren’t. I suggest you take what you like and leave the rest. At the least, it allows people in your position to share their experience in a communal setting, offer practical ideas on what has worked and what hasn’t, and may possibly provide support for those, like you, who are overwhelmed and beleaguered. Addiction is a hurricane, and everyone in its path suffers.

I think it is terrific that you are seeking support. That shows a humility and inner wisdom that should be nurtured and supported by the right provider. Sometimes, what people need most is a sense of hope. There is no shame in seeking or wanting this. Yes, sugarcoating or fantasy can be dangerous, but so can hard-edged “realism,” since the truth is we just don’t know what will happen from one day to the next. It is a day at a time for all of us, therapists included.

Thank you for writing, and best of luck to you in your search.

Kind regards,
Darren

There are few events in life that are as transformative as becoming a parent. So many aspects of your life—your identity, the dynamics with your partner, your sense of control (or lack thereof)—change in ways you can’t possibly imagine or emotionally prepare for. In these ways, having a second child is far less transformative. Nonetheless, there are aspects of having a second child that are novel and unpredictable, and the transition can be quite disruptive to the family system, particularly in terms of its impact on your firstborn.

Fortunately, despite the many disruptions and unknowns, there are some things you can predict about having a second child. Preparing your first child for the arrival of your baby, and yourself to handle issues as they arise after your baby comes home, can greatly help. If you can find ways to include your child in preparations for the baby, set aside time to spend with your child after the baby arrives, set firm limits with your child (particularly around aggressive behavior), and tolerate your feelings of guilt (and your child’s feelings of anger), you may help ease this transition and create an environment of safety and reassurance for your family.

How Can I Prepare My Child for the Arrival of a Sibling?

Unless you are face to face with one, “baby” is a pretty abstract concept, particularly for a child. Before the baby comes home, one of the few concrete manifestations of this concept is pregnancy (assuming the birth mother is part of the family). Children can have very different reactions to watching their mother’s belly grow. Some worry about the health of their mother; others feel alienated and uncomfortable with their mother’s changing body; others still may feel protective toward their mother.

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As a mother, reassuring your child that you are OK and explaining the growth of the fetus along the way is one way to help make the whole baby thing a bit less mysterious and scary. There are also several age-appropriate books that show the growth of the fetus and the journey to birth that you can read to your child.

If you are adopting or using a surrogate, you may not be able to follow the process of pregnancy in vivo. Nonetheless, there are several other ways for adoptive as well as all parents to make the arrival of a second child more concrete for firstborn children.

The more you can share with your child the concrete steps needed to prepare for the baby’s arrival—picking out a crib, buying diapers, etc.—the more real it may feel to your child, and the greater sense of ownership they may have (“It’s my baby, too!”). It’s also a good idea to discuss with your child what is going to happen when you go to the hospital (or, if adopting, go to pick up the baby), and any changes that may affect your child’s schedule (“Grandma is coming to help take care of the baby”). Children need routine and predictability. The fewer surprises and changes to their schedule during this time, the better.

This might also be a good time look at your child’s baby photos with your child, to remind your child they were a baby once, too, and to plant a seed for identification with the baby (“The baby is going to be like me”). You may also want to read your child some books on babies—what they do (eat, sleep, and cry, mostly) as well as books on being a big sibling. Using photos and books as a springboard, you may ask your child about any feelings your child is having about the arrival of the baby, both negative and positive. Given how abstract the birth is at this stage for your child, do not be surprised or disappointed if your child does not wish to discuss or cannot discuss their feelings yet.

What Can I Expect My Child to Feel After the Arrival of the Baby?

Imagine this: Your partner comes home one evening and announces that, as much as they love you, they have met someone new they also love, and this person will now be moving in with the two of you. For many children, the arrival of a younger sibling feels much the same, at least at the beginning. Children typically feel a bit stunned initially, and then start to feel some anger (along with other, positive feelings) toward the baby and/or you.

What Will I Be Feeling After the Baby Comes Home?

Well, imagine that now you are the one who brings home your new great love to live with your partner. How do you think you’d feel toward your partner? Guilt city! One of the hardest things about becoming a parent a second time around is the guilt. It can feel like you are destroying your child’s life, that you have done this horrible, cruel thing. When you have these feelings, it can be helpful to remember that while this transition may be rough on your child, ultimately it is gift you are giving your child (albeit one that may not pay off for a few years).

While there are things you can do to help your child with the transition and offer reassurance of your love, many children struggle with feelings of anger, hurt, confusion, etc., when a sibling is brought home. You may simply not be able to love away these feelings, which means in addition to having to tolerate a certain amount of guilt, you also have to tolerate a certain amount of hurt and anger on your child’s part. Accepting that your child might have a tough time for a while and reminding yourself (and your child) of your love for them may take the edge off this emotional burden.

How Can I Help My Child Through This Difficult Transition?

Feeling guilty can make it difficult to know what’s best for your child and yourself. Learning to tolerate your guilt and set reasonable expectations for yourself, and spending special time with your older child while continuing to set limits, may provide the foundation for your child feeling safe and secure and for you staying grounded.

Feeling guilty can make it difficult to know what’s best for your child and yourself. Learning to tolerate your guilt and set reasonable expectations for yourself, and spending special time with your older child while continuing to set limits, may provide the foundation for your child feeling safe and secure and for you staying grounded.

Although it may be difficult, especially at the beginning, spending baby-free time with your child can go a long way toward reassuring your child that your feelings have not changed and that you still value the intimacy of your relationship. Even if you can’t spend much time alone, set whatever time you do have aside as “special” time where you do something one-on-one, preferably on a regular, routine basis. This way, you and your child can anticipate your date in advance, which might help your child when they are feeling neglected.

If you have to leave your child to attend to the baby and your child seems upset, acknowledge these feelings (“I know it’s hard when I have to leave our game to go take care of the baby”). If your child is interested, you can include your child in helping out with the baby—diapering, bathing, etc. Feeling that they are part of taking care of the baby can be a very bonding experience for your child with the baby and give your child a sense of ownership and responsibility for the baby. There can also be a “well, if you can’t lick ’em, join ’em” quality to these activities.

You may find that there are certain times of the day when your older child becomes more jealous or angry, times such as bath time or bedtime, when your child is used to having all the attention focused on them. Consider alternating care with your partner or caregiver so that you can spend some time with your older child.

Breastfeeding obviously makes this more difficult. Even if you can’t change your behavior at these difficult times, you might give your child a heads-up beforehand (“Hey, I have to feed the baby in a few minutes, and I know that’s a hard time for you”) and, if the child is old enough, ask if they have any ideas about how to make it easier.

How Do I Handle Negative Behavior in My Child?

Children have different ways of handling their negative feelings regarding the arrival of a younger sibling. Some children seem totally happy, but might start regressing in some aspects of their development, such as toilet training, becoming more dependent, showing signs of separation anxiety, etc. Some children may be very sweet with the baby but get very angry with the parents. And, of course, some children may act aggressively toward the baby.

Regression

Regression during this phase is normal. Many children do not feel ready to give up their status as baby or young child. Others see how much attention their baby sibling is getting and want some of that. To a large extent, regression is a call for attention. As such, if you are able to tolerate the regression without focusing too much on it, and give your child positive attention where possible, this behavior generally passes relatively quickly. If your child wants to pretend to be a baby and crawl around and cuddle in your lap from time to time, why not? To some extent, all of our children, no matter how old, are still our babies, and need this reassurance from time to time. Telling our children that they have to be “big kids” now may very well feel like a withdrawal of love or attention.

This is not to say you should allow your 4-year-old to go back to wearing diapers. However, when saying no to your child, you might want to offer an alternative activity, such as being rocked in your lap, etc., that allows your child to regress and feel loved in that special, nurturing way.

Anger at Parents

Some children start to express aggression toward their parents when a sibling arrives, such as hitting, temper tantruming, or acting out in other ways. The tricky part here is that because parents often feel responsible for or guilty about their child’s anger, they find it hard to set limits.

While it is important to be empathic with your child during this time and make some allowances for how difficult this period might be for them, setting firm limits when your child is acting out or being aggressive is still very important, as much for the child as for you. No child wants to feel like a monster or feel out of control.

Anger at the Baby

If there is one activity that sweeps away our guilt over having a second child and gets us in touch with our anger, it is witnessing our child acting aggressively toward our baby. Evolution has hardwired us to protect our baby, and those instincts need to be heeded. We must protect the baby from harm, first and foremost. This means making it clear to our child that aggressive acts—hitting, pushing, shaking, etc.—will not be tolerated.

When children are acting aggressively toward baby siblings, their intention generally is not to harm the baby (though maybe getting the baby to cry would be fun). The issue is that children simply do not always know what is safe. Our job is to teach our children how to be safe around the baby and how to express their anger and resentment in other, more appropriate ways. Limits must be implemented firmly in the area of baby safety.

Feelings-wise, though, when children say they hate their baby siblings, our role is not to tell them they do not hate the baby or that it is not OK to hate the baby, but to acknowledge their feelings and help make the feelings less scary. If “hate” is not a word that you are comfortable with, you can always mirror back to your child, “You are really angry at the baby right now.” If your child says they want the baby dead, you can restate it as, “You really don’t want the baby here right now!” In this way, you are both validating your child’s negative feelings (all feelings are OK) and making those feelings less scary. Your child will learn that although there are moments when they do hate the baby or wish the baby was gone, these are just feelings, not actions, and they will pass and change over time. It is rare for siblings to love each other without hating each other at times, or at least having some negative feelings.

Reading books to your child is another great way to help children express their negative feelings about a younger sibling. When my second child was born, my older child, then 3 years old, could not get enough of Julius, the Baby of the World by Kevin Henkes (1995)—a book about, well, a child who hates her baby sibling … at least at first.

In Julius, the Baby of the World and, for the most part, in life, siblings do come, over time, to love each other (and sometimes even like each other), and your gift of a younger sibling to your older child will become just that, a gift. In the meantime, if you can hold tight and tolerate your and your child’s tough feelings, spend alone time with your child, and maintain firm limits, you will be well on your way!

College students whose parents attempt to control them through guilt, shame, or manipulation may cope with their stress by being mean to their peers, according to a study published in the Journal of Youth and Adolescence.

How Controlling Parenting Contributes to Problematic Behavior

Jamie Abaied, a University of Vermont assistant professor of psychological science, and her colleagues recruited 180 college students, most of whom were female. College students are often still financially or emotionally dependent upon their parents, the researchers say, so parenting style can continue to influence them even when they reach legal adulthood.

Each student completed a questionnaire about their parents’ behavior. Parents who engaged in behavior such as withdrawing money or criticizing their children were deemed highly controlling. The use of digital technologies such as texting and social media may further controlling behavior because it allows parents and their children to stay in constant contact. Thus parents no longer need to see or live with their children to manipulate their behavior.

[fat_widget_right]Researchers also interviewed the students, inquiring about painful interactions with loved ones such as boyfriends or girlfriends. As the students discussed the event, researchers recorded their sweat levels as a way to measure emotional distress. Students with higher levels of stress were more likely to react in aggressive or impulsive ways, such as sending a mean-spirited text or email.

Students who displayed higher levels of aggression were more likely to have controlling parents. The connection between relational aggression and controlling parenting has already been demonstrated in younger children, but this study is one of the first to look at controlling parenting in adult children.

In 2015, another study found children of less controlling and warmer parents were happier.

Reference:

Shapiro, C. (2016, January 20). Study: What happens when controlling parents follow kids to college. Retrieved from http://www.uvm.edu/~uvmpr/?Page=news&storyID=22157&category=ucommfeature

Children with disabilities bring a unique set of challenges, and opportunities, to their families. Depending on the nature of the disability, the challenges can be quite significant. At the same time, though, they have the potential to deepen connection between parents as well as the parent-child bond.

Aside from the energy required to manage a child’s physical and emotional needs, there are often huge financial considerations. A child’s disability may require the family to retrofit their home, or obtain housing that is accessible. In addition, equipment, social services, and health care are often pricey and are not always covered by insurance or entitlement programs. Families able to get some or all of these expenses covered often have to advocate for them on their own, and navigating disorganized government programs associated with these benefits can be an extremely taxing process in its own right.

Because it can be quite time consuming to address these issues, many families are forced to give up large portions of their leisure time. Often, one parent takes on a primary caretaking role with the child, while the other parent becomes the primary provider, deeply involved in his or her work in order to help with the finances. Primary caretakers sometimes have to partially or completely forgo any job aspirations of their own.

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If these decisions are not talked about and processed carefully, they can lead to divisions within the family that may become deeply entrenched and long-lasting. Caretakers may feel as if they do an unfair amount of the work for the child, and may feel resentful about having to sacrifice their careers. Providers, meanwhile, may feel isolated within their families, as though everyone is against them, and may come to perceive the bond between the caretaking parent and the child as impenetrable.

The Importance of Communication

To help with this, I suggest that parents openly discuss how caretaking responsibilities are divided. Are there ways to make these responsibilities more evenly managed? What types of feelings does each person have about it? These are important considerations that should be discussed regularly.

Another consideration for parents is the emotional impact of having a child with a disability. Parents sometimes have to adjust their expectations regarding what their child can become, which is frequently experienced as loss and may be accompanied by a mourning process. The process of adjusting expectations to conform to the reality of the circumstances can be challenging and varied depending on the nature of the disability.

Regardless of the specific disability, the family has to come to accept that the child’s life may be limited in some way, and that additional care may be needed for the remainder of the child’s life. This process can be a loaded one and has potential to drive parents apart.

In general, the more ambiguity in the disability, the more difficult it is for the family to adjust. Degenerative diseases, which are less understood than more standard physical disabilities, can be among the most difficult to adjust to. The lack of information about how quickly the disease will develop and impact the child’s life can create enormous anxiety and stress. Cognitive disorders such as mental retardation are also difficult in that parents often cannot tell how much information their children take in.

Regardless of the specific disability, the family has to come to accept that the child’s life may be limited in some way, and that additional care may be needed for the remainder of the child’s life. This process can be a loaded one and has potential to drive parents apart. I suggest that couples set time aside regularly to discuss their feelings about their child’s disability, either in counseling or on their own.

Much is made of accomplishments in Western society, and children are too often measured by what they do instead of who they are. If couples keep an open line of communication and feelings regarding the challenges they face, the experience of parenting a child with a disability can bring them closer together and help them learn to accept and love their child for who they are.

References:

1. Boyse, K. (2009). Siblings of Kids with Special Needs. Retrieved from http://www.med.umich.edu/yourchild/topics/specneed.htm
2. Reichman, N., Corman, H., & Noonan, K. (2008). The Impact of Child Disability on the Family. Retrieved from http://www.medscape.com/viewarticle/581577_2
3. Solomon, A. (2013). Far From the Tree. New York, NY: Scribner.

Thank you for your question, which sounds like just about every parent’s nightmare—one that’s more common than you might think.

For me, the key to the answer is in your last two questions. You seem to assume that you did something “wrong,” leading to feelings of guilt, shame, anger (at yourselves or each other and/or your son), and say you want to get your son “back.” I assume you mean the way he was before he took on the appearance of a “rebel” from a bad 1950s movie.

He is still the kid you love, still good—just struggling with something beneath all of that strange and troubling behavior. I would hesitate to conclude he is definitely “ruining his life” because I would bet, in the larger context of his life, his behavior probably makes some sense. Most teens go through a rebellious phase, whose aim in part is to annoy or even frighten the living hell out of parents. So I wouldn’t take the bait completely. Of course this is very concerning and needs to be investigated, and consequences are crucial (provided they are communicated clearly and enforced consistently), but something tells me “tough love” or drawing a line in the sand may only alienate him. The trick is reaching to connect with the kid behind all this behavior (fighting, smoking) that also keeps his teenage need for individuation and autonomy in mind. Not the easiest relational dance by any means, which is why the teen years can be very difficult indeed, and why a good school counselor or family therapist can help.

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Seeing this as a family problem, not his problem or your problem, is key. Drawing in teachers and school counselors is good, as is including the parents of the other “troublemakers” he runs with. Something is attracting him to this crowd; what is it?

And again, what was happening before? Was he a good student? Fortunately, this is all happening now more or less under your roof, which tells me this is in part a communication to you—a rebellious, perhaps angry communication at that. As if he’s saying, “I’m making my own rules, got it?” But what might be happening in the family dynamic such that he feels compelled to “say” and do these things? And why isn’t he fearful of consequences? The compulsion to do these things, which includes numbing or distancing from certain thoughts and feelings, means whatever feelings he’s pushing away and expressing via behavior are more powerful than the fear of going off track in school and developing “shady” friends.

Why might he identify with these friends, incidentally? Try to really put yourself in his shoes and forget black/white, right-and-wrong thinking. The harder you push for “the right side” of the line, the more he’ll likely stand on the other side and dig in. Welcome to the teen years. But keep in mind this may be the only way he knows how to express whatever is happening inside him, probably inexpressible.

Of course your concerns are understandable, given his behavior at school and his alarming drug/alcohol use. Yes, many teens experiment with booze and pot, but in this case 15 is pretty early for him to be using it in such a casual way (as opposed to sneaking a beer or joint with friends at a concert). Again, it’s as if he wants you to know about it, as it’s happening, right under your nose.

In some cases, children have tried to be “good” for so long that this goodness becomes a burden, often privately felt, leading to a swing in the opposite direction. Or there’s an anxiety or hurt that drugs and booze cover up. Could your son find some rebellious expression in arenas besides pot—such as music, drama, filmmaking, sports, etc.? Something assertively geeky or super cool where he can stand out and feel good about himself? Teens want to be cool and feel cool, in all ways, be it computer programming or punk rock. These other kids he hangs with make him feel cool, though I wonder why he has embraced this particular incarnation. Of course, many of our greatest innovators were rebels; the challenge is finding an outlet that is free from self-destruction and liberates/transcends rather than medicates the difficult emotions of adolescence. (It’s difficult for parents, too!) It’s likely that underneath all this tough-guy stuff is fear and/or anxiety. It sounds like you may be anxious also, which is why you need to be a role model of calm. Anxiety is contagious throughout a family “system.”

It’s good that he wants to feel cool and have friends; what’s not cool is that his current behavior will lead him nowhere positive in the long run.

Has your son demonstrated an interest in anything previously that might provide for his self-expression? Anything creative rather than destructive? Can you or a counselor or teacher help him find such a direction? Anything that can “hook” his interest can help him find a way back into engagement with school, such as a magnet school for music or technology, for instance. Volunteer work, too. Karate. Photography. Fly fishing. Think outside the box; offer him incentives for trying something new. Maybe his dad or grandpa or someone could even try doing it with him for the first time or two. I’d bet he has an untapped passion.

You and your husband ought to decide, first, what is and isn’t acceptable to you both. Make sure you’re both on the same page. The calmer you are in general, the safer he’ll feel bringing his troubles to you. I recommend tough love if and after the other ideas flop.

And now, consequences. I imagine you have leverage, since he’s 15 and, I’m presuming, approaching driving age. He’ll want driving lessons, need car insurance, and so on. Here’s where you get to be loving but firm parents and decide what is and isn’t acceptable. Anything less than a “B” average, for example, means no driving. Missing a curfew means no car (and possibly phone) for the next __ days. Drinking and driving means no car keys for the next __ months, minimum, and the loss of other privileges (social media, etc.).

You and your husband ought to decide, first, what is and isn’t acceptable to you both. Make sure you’re both on the same page. The calmer you are in general, the safer he’ll feel bringing his troubles to you. I recommend tough love if and after the other ideas flop.

Usually a child his age struggles with developmental challenges. He may not be completely comfortable talking to you about them, which isn’t your fault. Is there a school counselor or teacher who can get involved? What do these folks, probably seasoned observers of teens, think might be happening? What about the parents of his pals?

Does your son have an uncle or grandpa, some adult he trusts, who can spend some time with him and help him open up about what’s going on? Can they go to a movie or a ballgame? It takes a village, as they say, and parents are often the wrong messengers for the right message because of the rebellion factor. Also, children need to complain and gripe about their folks a bit; sometimes “delinquency” is a kind of grandiose, covered-up lament or expression of hurt feelings that they feel can’t be expressed any other way.

What do the parents of these “bad influences” have to say? The more communication among all of you, the better. You need to know where your son is, within reason, and to let him and his friends know that caring eyes are watching.

Also, what is your own attitude toward drinking and drug use (including pills)? That may have some bearing on your son, if you or your husband tip too far toward rigidity or looseness; at any rate, his drinking and smoking is a symptom of something deeper, but neither is helpful to his development if overdone.

It would be interesting to reflect upon how and when the “old version” of your son changed, and what may have been going on in the overall context of his life. We all change. But was there any big change? New neighborhood, new school, the loss of a girlfriend? If he is self-medicating with drugs and alcohol, why? What might be causing anxiety, worry, or other troublesome feelings? Is he worried about dating, college, becoming a man? I think it is important to remember he is still the boy you love, struggling as manhood fast approaches. It’s a confusing world, and teens are bombarded with all kinds of conflicting messages. Personal identity questions around freedom, autonomy, and self-expression are all being worked out, often awkwardly, as a new “family” of peers is developed. Again, the calmer you are—and the less your emotional security is dependent on his behavior—the better.

Also, what bothers you about this behavior? Are you concerned you or others will deem yourself a parental “failure”? Are you imagining the worst—i.e., he is headed for the penitentiary if this doesn’t stop yesterday? Are you already preparing the care package you’ll take to the visiting center, where he’ll be waiting in an orange jumpsuit? Try not to panic, as this may alienate him and scare him off. I know many productive, happy adults who went through a “dark period” in their teens. In fact, it’s better to get it out of the way now. He could also be testing you, to see how far he can go before losing (or not) your love of him. The trick as parents is loving the child without necessarily condoning certain behavior. Easier said than done. But he is and will always be your boy (even if he doesn’t express it that way). Often in the mid- to late twenties, there is a period of reconciliation where kids, now adults, realize how hard adult life really is.

Finally, the most important point of all, which may sound somewhat counterintuitive (but here goes): Take care of yourself. One thing parents forget, and I include myself here, is that we are most of all role models for our children, even when they act like we’re invisible (or annoying). Sometimes, our children will “counter-identify,” meaning they’ll take on the “reverse” identity of a parent, to distinguish themselves as different. Your son’s behavior is communicating something important to you, most likely unconsciously; it’s a good idea to try to “decode” what he’s trying to say. There’s no harm in some family therapy to seek some help in this.

Children often bridle at the implication that they are responsible for their parents’ emotional well-being. This only decreases and constrains the very freedom they’re itching to define. Of course parents get upset or angry or anxious when a child is in trouble—that’s normal—but I’m talking about something more profound, a core, existential sense of OK-ness. Parents who feel, consciously or not, that “my child’s ‘performance’ is a direct reflection of my own core worthiness” are setting themselves up for trouble.

I like the concept from recovery programs of “attraction, not promotion.” You want to provide an attraction to a peaceful sense of stability, calm, and strength which you personally embody. Not pounce and pick apart all of his behavior, which will only make him defensive and/or angry. In a way, you and his dad are the guardrails for safety, in deed and not just word. The guardrail needs to be flexible but not breakable, solid but not overly foreboding (or flimsy). Our children provoke our own need to grow and stretch as a person, and again there’s no shame in getting help. This might include therapy, Al-Anon, or a parents’ support group so you can learn from others—which would also be good role modeling for him. And any non-pressured family time, in whatever form (movies, ballgames, let him choose), will hopefully cultivate unity.

Finally, the National Institute on Drug Abuse has a page for parents on teens. There are other good resources for parents on the Internet also.

Thanks for writing, and warmest wishes to you and your family.
Darren

So often when I ask people in my therapy office (mostly children and teens) to brainstorm strategies for coping with certain difficult situations, the initial answer I get is something along the lines of “I need to toughen up,” “I need to just deal with it,” or “I’ve got to be a man.” The difficult situation itself could be a disagreement with a sibling, a problem with a peer, or an uncomfortable issue with a teacher at school.

Children pick up these quick-fix mantras from a variety of places—television, school, peers, and parents among them. When a child gets emotional, often the quick, easy fix is to say, “toughen up,” especially when whatever caused the child to be upset seems minor. The message is clear: Let’s move on, kid, because we’ve got things to do and worrying about this doesn’t fit into my schedule.

Is there anything wrong with that? What, if any, damage is done when a child is told to “toughen up”? Let’s break down the ripple effect this type of response has on a child’s psyche over time.

• Five minutes later: The child feels minimized. The situation that caused the initial reaction has been left unresolved. The child may be thinking he or she is dumb or weak for bringing up the situation in the first place. He or she may also resent the person who instructed the child to “just deal with it” because that person doesn’t seem to care. [fat_widget_right]
• Five months later: The child hesitates to mention a problem when it occurs, fearing the reprimand of not being “tough enough.” This teaches the child to “stuff” emotions instead of verbalizing them and learning to process them. Acting out may increase as the uncomfortable emotions aren’t dealt with promptly. For their part, the adults in the child’s life may not understand what is causing the unwelcome behaviors. If an adult attempts to discuss the child’s emotions, the child may resist and have increasing difficulty sharing those emotions because he or she has been taught to ignore them.
• Five years later: The child—perhaps now a teenager or young adult—has a difficult time empathizing with others about their emotions because he or she expects others to “toughen up” or “deal with it” when something doesn’t go their way. The child may be more likely to perpetuate the belief that many emotionally difficult situations should be ignored.

The biggest problem with telling a child to toughen up is that it undermines true resilience, which is learned by experiencing adversity or uncomfortable feelings, processing why they occur, and learning new and more positive ways to reframe those situations.

There is, of course, something to be said for “letting go” of certain minor situations that are upsetting. However, that needs to come from within the child and not from the belief that getting upset by something means there is something wrong with him or her.

Why ‘Being a Man’ Isn’t All It’s Cracked Up to Be

Finally, a note about boys who think they need to “be a man” when something doesn’t go their way: The children I see in my practice who use phrases such as this are, in my experience, more likely to be aggressive in the responses they give others.

Aside from what it suggests about being a woman, the phrase “be a man” has a sense of machismo associated with it that indicates a need to be strong and aggressive. In today’s world, acting on this impulse (at school, for example) may lead to discipline problems and resolves few. It perpetuates stereotypes many boys may not feel they fill as adults and reduces the likelihood they will seek help for emotional or mental health concerns because “being a man” means ignoring those feelings.