Thank you for your letter. I am sure that it hurt your feelings, to say the least, when your husband laughed at your request to remove the woman from his Facebook friends list. I also think that, while your feelings are very understandable, this woman is in some ways a red herring for both of you. My sense is that something is missing from the marriage and your feeling undervalued might be there with or without the online classmate. Somehow, his flirtation only exacerbated a feeling of disrespect and devaluing—a big “ouch” for anyone.

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First of all, “extremely flirtatious” sounds concerning. From what you saw, did it stray into the sexually explicit? Did they toy with the idea of taking things a step further—“Hey, at the next class reunion, you and I will have our own private stroll down memory lane,” or something along those lines? It is hard to make a judgment about this secondhand, though again the important thing is your hurt feelings and the sense of being in second place (yikes). We all want to feel we’re “the one” with our partner. I also, though, wonder if his leaving it open for you to read was an unconscious communication of a kind, a signal to you that he wants these kinds of conversations with you and not her. An indirect distress call of sorts, or maybe even a protest bordering on the passive-aggressive. If this is truly a “secretive” relationship, he’s not being very secretive about it.

As for marital drift, I can’t tell you how common an issue this is for long-term marriages. Routine and day-to-day security is a double-edged sword: it is comforting, but it can dull our appreciation of who we’re with. We feel secure in knowing what to expect, that our partner is there for us, day in and day out … and may also begin to wish for something a little more vivid and emotionally satisfying, since our partner is always there day in and day out. Routines both soothe and lull us into complacency. Plus, if someone is “always there,” there may be little urgency regarding sex. Sex and physical intimacy (touching, cuddling) can wait until later, or the next day, tomorrow, maybe this weekend, next week … etc. Perhaps, then, this incident is an opportunity to rekindle something. Your husband obviously means a great deal to you, and I have the feeling a little freshness in the romance department could liven things up.

I’m thinking of at least two things to possibly try, depending on the state of affairs. First, more superficially, you could try something spontaneous that you both find a turn-on, something outside the usual routine—a weekend getaway somewhere you both like, some lingerie or a sexy movie you can watch together (and no, we’re never too old), back rubs, an old role-playing game you haven’t tried in a while. These are just some of the first things that come to mind. Laughter, too, can be sexy. Perhaps you both need a night out at the comedy club, or dance lessons (my wife’s favorite), followed by a nice dinner while sharing memories. There’s also massage: a foot rub with massage lotion can do wonders, taking a bath together with candles, and so on. Again, these are more surface things, but sometimes a little spark is all that’s needed.

I would emphasize avoiding concrete solutions at first—i.e., to “unfriend” her or not—until after you have shared feelings and listened and tried to understand how the other feels. Jumping into concrete details will dilute the more essential task of understanding each other’s perspectives and hopes, fears, desires, etc., at play in the marriage as of today.

Or it could be that what’s needed is way of addressing the depths of your feelings and the concern over a strained connection; you may want to sit him down, at a time that works for both of you, and spell out as calmly and non-accusingly as you can what it is you feel and would like to see happen, to make sure he really understands your concerns and how this episode has hurt. I recommend approaching this as partners who are seeking to strengthen the bonds of “the team.” (Rather than “you’re my problem here,” it’s “distance is our problem here.”) Try to keep the focus on you as much as you can, rather than that online woman. He is married to you, not her, but you’re not feeling it lately. You miss him as the man you love, and want to feel him as your chosen partner, not (I’m just guessing) your roommate. You can also mention that when he laughs and dismisses the idea, it feels minimizing and perhaps even abandoning.

I would emphasize avoiding concrete solutions at first—i.e., to “unfriend” her or not—until after you have shared feelings and listened and tried to understand how the other feels. Jumping into concrete details will dilute the more essential task of understanding each other’s perspectives and hopes, fears, desires, etc., at play in the marriage as of today.

Try asking him for his perspective, and—here’s the hard part—try and listen as openly as you can. Imagine, for a moment, you are a friend and not his wife. Is there something bugging him about the relationship? What does he think may be going on here? What was it he found with this friend and not you that can, hopefully, be sparked in the marriage? Does he understand how hurtful it was to stumble upon this online “chat”? I hope that such a dialogue would strengthen your bond, since hurt feelings can also be a catalyst for a couple’s coming closer together with deeper understanding.

It is often a turn-on to feel one’s partner understands how they feel, what they desire, and what hurts. Then we have not just a partner but an ally, someone in our corner who knows our heart, warts and all, and loves and accepts us for who we are. I hope you and your husband are able to find some of this … and there’s no shame in seeking out some couples counseling if the two of you need a little assistance sharing and hearing each other. Sometimes, even just a handful of sessions, with a focus on empathic and reflective listening, can help.

Best of luck to you, and thanks for bravely writing!
Darren

Thank you for your message and for having the courage to reach out. I’m sorry to hear that your marriage has run into some challenging times. I hope this message will prove useful and will help you find some solutions.

When partners seem to lose interest, it is natural for the other party to feel as though perhaps it has something to do with them. While that may be the case in some situations, it is not always that way. Often, it may have absolutely nothing to do with the partner.

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There are many reasons people might lose interest in sexual activity—work stress, financial trouble, and physical issues are just a few possible reasons. Before assuming that your husband is no longer sexually interested in you, consider that there may be something else going on.

The first question that comes up for me is whether your husband might be experiencing some erectile dysfunction issues that may be getting in the way of his sexual interest/willingness. If that is the case, he may be embarrassed and masking it with anger. For some men, the loss of the ability (or decreased ability) to function sexually is a significant blow to their masculinity. Of course, I have no idea if this is the case, but it is worth considering. There may be any number of other causes. Sometimes, people lose interest in sexual contact with their partner if the partner changes his or her physical appearance, hurts them deeply, or if they feel somehow unsafe in the marriage. As you can see, the possibilities for why your husband may not be interested in sexual contact right now are many, and until you do some exploration, you may not have the answer you’re seeking.

My suggestion to you is that you step into a place of compassion and understanding, and with gentle curiosity ask your husband if he can set aside the anger and talk to you about what is going on.

My suggestion to you is that you step into a place of compassion and understanding, and with gentle curiosity ask your husband if he can set aside the anger and talk to you about what is going on. Let him know that you love him and want to meet him where he is but you must know what’s happening with him. Let him know that you are not judging him, not taking it personally, and simply want to understand so you can know how to proceed.

If he remains unwilling to talk, you may want to consider seeking out a therapist who can help you decide what steps to take next.

When you approach your husband, be sure to do it at a neutral time. Whatever you do, don’t approach him right after he refuses sex, because that is a high-tension time. I suggest you set a time with him, a few days or even a week in advance, when you can talk. If you both work and have stressful weeks, maybe choose a weekend time. When the time comes, sit down in a quiet place, free of distractions, and begin the discussion. If things get heated or tense, it’s always OK to take a brief “timeout” to cool down and come back to it. With a difficult topic like this one, it may take a few tries to discuss it fully, but a peaceful and satisfying resolution will be worth the effort.

However, you know your situation better than I do. The shouting you mention is concerning. If you ever feel unsafe with your husband or have any indication he could be physically violent, consider calling the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 and/or finding a safe place to stay, at least until things calm down.

Good luck,
Lisa

You describe yourself as cooperative, gregarious, and caring. These are the strengths I hope you will use to help yourself and your colleagues—the old ones and the new ones—so you can work together to develop a new work family system.

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It is very difficult when a few new people join a workplace at about the same time, especially as they may seem to have more in common with one another than with the longer-term employees. You write that their age range is roughly 25 to 40 and that they are younger than you and your “softer” friends. I’m guessing there is a generation gap, and that different styles and ways of being are in conflict. If so, it might help to talk things out together, perhaps with a professional mediator if things get too hot.

Perhaps those people who have been working at your office longer may feel that their status is threatened. This is not an uncommon response to change in the workplace. The task for each and all of you is to find common ground so you can work together and get along.

You describe the new people as strong personalities with a “sense of entitlement” and a zealous approach; overbearing but also competent, equally competent to you and your friends. Is there parity in your compensation and benefits? I am curious as to all the reasons they seem so “other.”

You have a lot to offer, and can use your personality, experience, and wisdom to nurture the new arrivals and help create a warmer work space.

I wonder, too, if the new people have new ideas, new approaches, and new ways of doing things that may seem to challenge the more established procedures. This can be annoying and shake things and people up, but you can all also benefit from their “newness” by seeing things from a different perspective, which might be an asset. If the new crowd has new ideas, it would benefit everyone to give those ideas a forum where they can be explored and perhaps even worked out.

So my advice is to take some deep breaths and take a step back. You have a lot to offer, and can use your personality, experience, and wisdom to nurture the new arrivals and help create a warmer work space.

You’re describing an “us vs. them” situation, which never works. I’m hoping that your “softer” personality may be just the thing that helps people work together and blend the lines between the “old” and the new.

Best wishes,
Lynn

I am so sorry to hear about your situation, and cannot imagine the pain you and your wife must be experiencing as she fights her battle against cancer. Let’s get to the root of your questions.

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You love each other. You can’t help being what she needs you to be—she needs you to be you, loving her, and you clearly do. Yes, you will be optimistic if you can and if that helps. Yes, you can cry in front of her after she has had sufficient time to digest the news, and you can cry together to mourn the life that you will not have together, as well as to celebrate the life you have together now and have had to this point. You are grieving. Of course you are grieving. Please allow yourself to grieve in whatever way you need to. Although you say your wife is acclimating to the news better than you are, it’s possible she’s trying to stay “strong” for you, and is grieving inside every bit as much as you are. It’s OK to grieve together. In fact, it could be very helpful. Talk to your wife about what you are feeling and see how she feels about experiencing your grief as a team.

Four years may be a pittance of the time you wished you might have, but it’s also a treasure chest of breakfasts and dinners, fights and laughs, walks and longer journeys, complaints and compliments.

You describe your wife as a fighter, and you sound like you are one, too. You will find ways to be together and do the things you love best. And in those times when grieving in front of your wife doesn’t feel like the thing to do, when you need to scream and holler and let go, it’s absolutely OK to find a private place and do so. You can walk down a busy city street and yell your heart out (I’ve done this myself), or you can hide in the woods and do the same. You can lean on a good friend or family member who will help you mourn and be angry and be thankful, and break apart and heal and hold together.

You have time still to show your love, to enjoy the everyday-ness of being together. Four years may be a pittance of the time you wished you might have, but it’s also a treasure chest of breakfasts and dinners, fights and laughs, walks and longer journeys, complaints and compliments. You will be brave and cowardly, angry and loving, and express all the emotions that humans are capable of feeling, and you will do so both together and separately. All of it is OK. All of it is normal. All of it is whatever you make of it. Please let yourself feel what you feel.

Your wife needs help, yes, but don’t forget that you do, too. You need and deserve supportive people—family, friends, perhaps even groups who will help you through this. You can’t do it alone.

Many hospitals have support groups where people meet and help one another through difficult times. Are you members of a religious or spiritual group? Would you consider working privately with a therapist or counselor—someone just for you, or someone for you both? I highly recommend the empathic support of a therapist to help guide you through the range of emotions you’re feeling right now, especially a therapist who specializes in grief, loss, and bereavement.

I hope you can feel the love and peace that I wish you both.

Take care,
Lynn

Wow, that’s a really tough issue to face. I’m glad you wrote, and I hope I can help you out some.

My first question is how do these colleagues know about the hiring process? Many companies encourage a strict confidentiality for human resources to avoid this very issue, and I am concerned that this information seems to be readily available and that it was shared openly.

Second, with regard to your question of being hired on your merit and the frustration you’re feeling, it’s important to remember that affirmative action was put into place because, historically, minorities have a harder time being employed. Studies have shown that résumés with minority names get 50% fewer callbacks for interviews than white-sounding names. Some people call this “everyday racism,” and it is one of the ways racism becomes systematic. You mentioned that there is a company mandate to diversify, and it sounds like the company sorely needs it and your hire may be one of the ways they are attempting to rectify it.

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It could also be that you were the strongest candidate and the information you received is faulty. I question why your colleagues would feel it necessary to share this information with you and what they hoped to gain by doing so.

I also wonder whether this experience has activated some part of you, a part you’re not necessarily conscious of, that harbors feelings of inadequacy. Most people don’t get through life without taking on some of that in childhood, through no fault of their own. It’s important to recognize feelings that might be triggering and to remind yourself of your own value, even in the face of signs and experiences that may seem devaluing. You know you’re worthy of this position; as you said, you’re smart, resourceful, and a hard worker. If your employer didn’t know that before you were hired, it surely does by now.

As far as whether you should go to Human Resources, that is a deeply personal decision. Do you think you can work at this company with this awareness and the accompanying questions? Will you be able to live with the answer if they acknowledge that they hired you based on your status as a minority? Are you comfortable working in an environment where deeply personal and private conversations such as why a person was hired over another are made common knowledge?

Unfortunately, this is a situation many minorities still have to deal with and there’s still a long way to go in terms of eliminating racism.

It seems to me that this great opportunity has been tainted for you, and understandably so. It may be worthwhile to have a conversation with HR to express your concerns. At the very least, they may make some changes in how information is protected. As you noted, you may be seen as “rocking the boat” if you do that and some people might not like it. It may make for a challenging work environment, but you have to weigh whether the benefit of speaking up is more than the possible cost.

Unfortunately, this is a situation many minorities still have to deal with and there’s still a long way to go in terms of eliminating racism. There are many who have the same questions you do and who feel they have to work harder or perform better to prove they deserve what they have gotten. It’s not an easy situation to be in, so I encourage you to call upon your support system to help you process this situation and your feelings about it. It might also be worthwhile to seek out a therapist who can help you further process what you’re feeling.

I encourage you to take care of yourself while you decide what to do—rest well, spend time with loved ones, and do what makes you feel good. After you’ve allowed yourself to process and release some of the emotional charge, if you decide to go to HR, you will be grounded, confident, and responsive, and less likely to be offended or reactive.

Wishing you well and hoping for the best,
Lisa

Thank you for your question. It does indeed sound as though the vice-like grip of guilt has taken hold. Painful, indeed. As Pete Campbell from Mad Men said in the show’s final season regarding having an extramarital fling or affair, “It feels good, and then it doesn’t.”

I suppose some might advise you to not tell your wife under any circumstances, that telling her can only cause grievous harm and would only be for your own benefit (such is the certainty of most advice columnists). This may prove to be the wisest path, although before I personally go there, I would be curious about a couple of things. First, what is it that prompted you to stray? It could be any number of things, both general to early marriage and specific to you personally. What stressors were present in and outside the relationship? Some who have experienced past relational injuries or trauma (in childhood, for example) can, later in adult life, find sustained marital intimacy challenging, to the point where some feelings and desires appear or feel “shameful”—needs that, it seems, can be met only outside the relationship, which unfortunately ends most often in regret, guilt, and more shame.

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What might have been causing distance between the two of you? And are any of those issues present today? Assuming it always takes two, what do you imagine to be your “side” of the issue—and has this problem or obstacle been resolved? Is this aspect of the relationship (on either side) still an issue?

Could this be what is bothering you today, that this “part” of yourself (however it manifests) might still be unacceptable to your wife, and that by sharing about the affair you’re also testing to see if this particular aspect of yourself is accepted by your wife?

Or is it that you were a different person then, and that this past issue has no bearing on the relationship as it exists today, but that you’re anticipating possible fallout if she were to find out … so better to just come clean?

If the problem no longer exists, it may be wiser to sort it out with your own conscience before taking the complicated and highly unpredictable step of discussing it with your wife, assuming you decide to do so. I think it would be hard to say if or when she would forgive you; she might, but she might not, or it might take years. You, of course, know her better than I do. What is it you feel will help the relationship by telling her? If it is more a matter of your own conscience, is she the best person to offer forgiveness or redemption?

What is always keenly ironic to me is that sometimes partners will stray outside the relationship to “protect” the partner from those shameful or unwanted parts that we are sure will offend the other. We fear being too “needy,” too “kinky” in bed, too angry, too sad, and so on. Those emotional needs and feelings thus find a home outside the relationship, making it more likely that the relationship will suffer, possibly fatally.

Keep in mind your wife may very well, like many partners, take the affair as a rejection of her, proof of her own inadequacy still existing today. In other words, it’s quite possible the affair will feel to her—though it’s long over for you—as if it just happened. This will be new information for her, possibly turning the perception of the marriage on its head. I am curious as to what the benefit of this might be, given the risk. Perhaps deciding how you feel about the affair will make it easier to discuss with your wife, should you go that route. I don’t know that it would be up to her to resolve your own conscience on the matter.

In other words, you may not get the peace of mind and redemption you’re seeking, so perhaps it’s best to make peace with this as best you can before seeking out her forgiveness—because it could take months or years, and meanwhile you’ll be in the same pressure-packed boat while she figures out how to feel about it. Unless by telling her you feel you both might be “in the same boat”?

The other thing that occurred to me is that the impulse to tell her might, even unconsciously, be a way of creating distance again. Some might call it self-sabotage, though I’m not so crazy about that term as such sabotage might also be, on some level, protecting us from intolerable uncertainty and vulnerability. Again, if intimacy is challenging (as it is for most of us in one way or another), there is a part of us that both craves and fears closeness, lest the injuries or abandonments of the past play out again (not literally, but via new hurts or slights that press our old buttons). Maybe it’s as if you’re saying, “Well, OK, you love me, but do you really love me? Try this on for size!” This might spring from a historically recurring question of whether you really “deserve” the intimacy or love you crave and have found now. If it ain’t broke … as the old saying goes. But sometimes, our deep fear of injury or (symbolic) reinjury leads us to distance ourselves or evade our partner in all manner of ways. In other words, is this a genuine, heartfelt question or a desire to rock the boat in disguise? Maybe both?

Behind the morality of “do I or do I not deserve love” lies the deep fear of being rejected or exiled from our beloved, since we have so little control over the love given to us by others. Do you have a fear of receiving love in general, or dread sustained vulnerability? Could it be you are still upset with your wife about something, and telling her this news is a way of transmitting a feeling of betrayal you have felt but never expressed? If so, is there a different way of doing it, as the fact of the affair itself might well be a red herring, since the truth likely lies less with the what and more with the why of it.

You say the affair is “over,” but something about it remains very much alive for you. What is it, and is it more about yourself and your own long-standing personal history, or more relating to the relationship specifically? I’m sure there is overlap, but still these questions are probably worth some self-reflection.

It’s also true that infidelity often happens early in a relationship, where a sustained commitment of love and intimacy is frightening to a person. I cannot tell you how many couples I have seen where one partner strayed shortly before or after an engagement or marriage, especially (ironically) when such engagement or marriage was something long-desired. The only thing scarier than not getting what you want, sometimes, is getting what you want.

The more I think about this, the more I think you are struggling with, quite possibly, an existential or highly personal rather than relational question. Before deciding whether to take it to your wife, try discussing this with a therapist (even if it’s only short-term), trusted friend, or spiritual counselor. My sense is that we first have to get right with our own conscience—or make best efforts—before handing that power over to someone who might need time to understand or get over their own hurt. A partner always has their own subjective filter, and it is hard to see how his or her perspective will or won’t align with ours. (It also occurs to me that your wife may end up forgiving you in a way that feels almost dismissive to you, like, “Well, it’s in the past, let’s move on,” which could feel dismissive of your current angst.)

You say the affair is “over,” but something about it remains very much alive for you. What is it, and is it more about yourself and your own long-standing personal history, or more relating to the relationship specifically? I’m sure there is overlap, but still these questions are probably worth some self-reflection.

You could even try writing out a “confession,” in as honest a way as possible, and then read it to yourself a few days later (or, again, to a trusted confidant). Then imagine being in her shoes and hearing it for the first time. You might ask, how does this serve the “we” and not just the “me”? Who might benefit, really; are you seeking a redemption that—for a while, at least—she may not be able to give? This way, you can make a decision, fraught with emotional risk, that you have thought through and reflected upon as best you can.

Thanks again for writing.
Darren

Whenever a problem develops where no problem existed before, my first question is always: what is different now? You mention that you previously gave lectures to 150 people as a teacher’s assistant without the anxiety (or, perhaps more to the point, performance anxiety) you are currently dealing with in your professional life. What feels different to you about the two experiences? I wonder if the stakes seem higher now, the content more complex, or the audience more inquisitive or demanding. It seems reasonable that any of these possibilities, or something else along these lines, could create and/or intensify anxiety around public speaking.

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If you can figure out what has developed to cause the problem, perhaps you can figure out some strategies for addressing it. For example, if upon reflecting on the differences between your experience as a TA and as a professional you discover that the content is more complex and the audience more inquisitive, it might be helpful to take some trainings or courses to deepen your knowledge of the content area. This might increase your confidence in your ability to answer questions as they come up. Maybe reflection will lead you to discover that your anxiety is less about content and more about style. Perhaps you have realized that the level of polish expected of professionals, as opposed to student TAs, is quite different and you don’t feel like you measure up. If this is the case, participating in a group like Toastmasters might be helpful in mastering and developing confidence in your public speaking skills.

Sometimes, unexplained anxiety that seems to come up out of the blue can be a way of getting your attention and forcing you to address dissatisfaction with an area of your life that you are not fully aware of.

You also raise the possibility that there is a medical problem that has developed and is to blame for this. The only way to rule that out for sure is to schedule an appointment with your doctor for an exam and discussion about this, and I recommend that you do that sooner rather than later. I am not a doctor, so as much as I hear your desire for explanations, it would not be appropriate for me to speculate as to potential medical issues you might be experiencing.

It is also possible that the problem is neither medical nor a reflection of simple insecurities about speaking in public. How do you feel about your career and where you are professionally? Sometimes, unexplained anxiety that seems to come up out of the blue can be a way of getting your attention and forcing you to address dissatisfaction with an area of your life that you are not fully aware of. If the above recommendations don’t yield any solutions and you land on a vague dissatisfaction with your career, what might be helpful is partnering with a career counselor to explore where you are, where you want to be, and developing a realistic plan for how to get there.

Best wishes,

Sarah

This is a classic in-law conundrum. Many spouses can feel torn between their responsibilities to their families of origin and the families they are creating. It feels like a no-win situation for everyone involved. The quick—and oversimplified—response is that your husband needs to choose which of those families is his top priority and set appropriate boundaries. In reality, however, the issue tends to be far more complex.

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It sounds as if your husband (and perhaps his mother) believes him to be her sole source of physical and emotional support. Not responding to her needs is quite possibly laden with guilt and fear for your husband. It also sounds as if you have been incredibly accommodating (living with you for 14 months?) but that you are tired of being patient and feeling less important.

If you both can feel like you are on the same side, I suspect the pressure each of you feels will be reduced tremendously.

Fighting about it and competing with his mother for attention will only result in hurt feelings all around and a growing distance between you and your husband. When partners feel forced to choose, some will choose parents over partners; this can do irrevocable damage to relationships. I recommend that you seek out and work with a couples counselor to find ways to support each other as you navigate this dilemma together. Hear him when he says he feels “stuck.” He doesn’t see a viable solution, so working with someone who can offer a broader perspective and help you remain a team is very important.

It sounds as if your husband might also benefit from working on how to set workable boundaries with his mother without feeling the guilt he’s likely experiencing. Through that process, he will need empathy from you. When you feel (naturally) frustrated, try to imagine your husband stuck in the middle of a tug-of-war between wanting to meet your needs and wanting to meet his mother’s. Then imagine you and your husband pulling together in the same direction. If you both can feel like you are on the same side, I suspect the pressure each of you feels will be reduced tremendously.

Best of luck,
Erika

Thank you for your honesty in describing what sounds like an unbearably painful situation. Alcoholism and addiction basically put both the addicted person and his or her loved ones in an impossible position, where the addicted one is both there and not there, leaving the partner and loved ones to have a “split” experience with, it often seems, two or more personalities. Those who love people with addictions often have a glimpse of the “real” or true person, who is suffering and appears to want help, before the drunk or stoned person appears again: critical or self-centered to the extreme, and hurtful to be around. Thus, by distancing ourselves from the latter, we also seemingly end up abandoning the former—the sober person we fell in love with. This leaves us in a no-win position, where we can stay and feel continually abandoned ourselves (or attacked, or both) or leave and bear the burden of guilt that tells us we are leaving our loved one alone on a deserted island.

It is also devastatingly difficult, if not impossible, to imagine how or why someone would choose drinking or using over family. This is why I like the idea of addiction being a mental health issue, where a person gets to a point where he or she would rather continue to self-destruct and lose everything and everyone than stop and get help. I have lost family members to addiction, so I relate to how absolutely baffling drinking to this degree can be, and how heartbreaking.

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But sometimes things get to such a crisis point that a decision has to be made: namely, do we want to go down with the ship or not? It sounds as though you are choosing sanity, being a good mother, and what often becomes the lesser of two evils: saving oneself, setting a life-preserving boundary against alcoholism, versus rearranging deck chairs on the Titanic. Of course, the ensuing guilt is inevitable, although in truth when a drinking problem reaches such a tragic state, there is little to nothing we can really do anymore and the only real option is to take the lifeboat. By leaving, you are acknowledging the crisis, refusing to minimize it, telling alcoholism you no longer wish to be part of the problem and that you need to protect yourself and your children.

Your husband has long been in a vulnerable situation, and this moment of decision would arrive with or without your presence. The problem is his drinking is killing him, period. Everything else is almost an afterthought. No one can make this decision for him. He must decide whether he wants to stop drinking and live, or keep going and face tragic consequences. Your presence cannot soften these consequences; in fact, your absence may help clarify the starkness of his choice, so I think it’s wise to remove yourself from the situation. No matter how much you have helped him, and with what, the choice remains the same: does he stop or not? This decision and ensuing consequences are out of your control, so in spite of the difficulty you are giving him the dignity of his own choice and allowing him to decide which way he wants to go. You are also setting a good example for everyone by choosing life over insanity and death, though he might not see it that way right now.

I cannot emphasize enough the importance of finding your own support. This is an extremely traumatic situation and likely has been for some time, though that might not be obvious to you; a person’s alcohol or drug problem tends to suck all the oxygen out of the room, hog the mental spotlight as it were, so that the partner forgets that he or she also needs help.

There is no way, of course, to predict any outcome, though it is my great wish that this is the wake-up call your husband needs; people who drink or use are amazingly adept at ignoring or forgetting inconvenient truths, such as the lethality of drinking and using. Perhaps, as human beings, it is near impossible to consider our own demise. But the demise of the relationship, or at least your presence in the house, might, I truly hope, be a stark reminder of the destructiveness of his alcoholism. You are having a healthy response to an extremely toxic situation (alas). I’m sorry to say you ultimately could not save him even if you stayed.

My final point is about your own well-being. I cannot emphasize enough the importance of finding your own support. This is an extremely traumatic situation and likely has been for some time, though that might not be obvious to you; a person’s alcohol or drug problem tends to suck all the oxygen out of the room, hog the mental spotlight as it were, so that the partner forgets that he or she also needs help. Often we buy into the myth that says we are not addicted and therefore strong and resilient, such that no help is needed. To want any support or relief might even be seen as selfish: How can I think of myself at a time like this? But as the airline safety tip goes, give yourself oxygen first so you can better assist your loved one. This is, in fact, what you are doing.

Just from the distressed tone of your letter, I can say with reasonable certainty that I think some counseling and/or group support (Al-Anon, community or spiritual/religious groups for families or spouses) would be extremely valuable. It is too easy to underestimate the damage done to our own psyches by addiction; we often don’t feel it until the dust begins to settle. Then, following the guilt comes rage, hurt, anxiety, sadness, and a whole other cluster of intense emotions—not necessarily in that order. This doesn’t at all signify a person’s “failure to cope”; it is, again, a very normal reaction to an abnormally and almost cruelly stressful situation that annihilates love and tenderness, and often hope, to a traumatizing degree. It is a situation, I might add, that often parallels earlier childhood experiences where the nondrinking person became a kind of parentified child, or precocious caregiver, so that this role became second nature, where crushing guilt ensues anytime the person tries to step out of it. But any adult romantic relationship contingent on one-way giving/receiving will sooner or later collapse from imbalance. A thriving, growing love needs mutuality, or at least something in the ballpark. We need to take turns—otherwise the see-saw tips too far in one direction and falls over.

I also often say that a partner going to Al-Anon helps the addicted person too, as it is excellent role modeling.

I’m sorry you are in such a hellacious bind, though I commend you for your courage and stamina in making the sane choice (which can seem insane in the midst of chaos). Your feelings are normal for someone in your position; however, they do not, by any stretch, indicate that you are doing something wrong. It sounds like the kind of wake-up call that has been in the works for some time.

Thanks again for writing.
Darren

With the intensity of the feelings you and your husband are experiencing, I imagine two weeks feels like a long time. In reality, and especially considering your husband’s preexisting trust issues, two weeks is a small blip on the radar. My sense is that it is going to take quite a bit more time and work to come back from this.

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Because it has only been a couple of weeks—and it does sound like there has been some progress made—it seems possible that you two might be able to work this through on your own. However, because trust has always been somewhat of an issue for your husband, it might be valuable to consider partnering with a couples therapist. Couples therapists are trained and experienced in working through issues very similar to the one you and your husband are experiencing.

Trust is not a static quality in relationships; it ebbs and flows throughout the course of a relationship based on personal insecurities, jealousy, life changes, actions that breach trust, and many other things. When the trust levels in a relationship are low, it is important for couples to acknowledge this and work on it. While fluctuations in trust are normal, unaddressed trust issues are a recipe for disaster.

While fluctuations in trust are normal, unaddressed trust issues are a recipe for disaster.

It sounds like you are acknowledging the validity of your husband’s feelings and accepting your role in the situation. This, along with patience and a willingness to continue to work on healing—again, ideally with a therapist—is really all you can do. Hopefully, your husband will also be willing to commit to the process of healing from this experience, as well as a deeper exploration of the trust issues he seems to have brought into your marriage. Getting to the root of his trust issues is an important part of your path forward together, and until you do that, continuing to have compassion for your husband and the pain of his past betrayal is important.

It sounds like recovering from this is going to be a longer and more painful process than you were expecting. While I can’t make any guarantees about outcomes, this could end up leading you and your husband to much deeper trust and greater intimacy.

Respectfully,

Sarah

Thank you for reaching out with such a powerful and important question. I commend you for taking the time and being thoughtful, considerate, and deliberate in planning your course of action with what could be a highly sensitive situation.

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My first thought about this is whether you’ve spoken to your girlfriend about your concerns. Does she know about your family’s tendencies? She may have similar feelings or worries, and together the two of you can discuss the various options and come to a decision that best suits everyone. I’m quite confident that she has been dealing with various forms of racism for quite some time, as she was in an interracial relationship and now has biracial children. Given that, she may have her own perspectives on how to deal with situations like this in a way that is supportive to her and the children. If you haven’t yet spoken with her about this, I would suggest you start there. Not only will having that discussion clear things up for you and help you clarify your course of action, it will help build your relationship by fostering open and caring communication.

As the saying goes, the best defense is a good offense. I suggest you openly discuss this with the whole family, talk about your concerns, and plan a strategy.

Should you both decide to attend the family reunion, you may indeed be faced with the challenges you are concerned about. As the saying goes, the best defense is a good offense. I suggest you openly discuss this with the whole family, talk about your concerns, and plan a strategy. Discuss the fact racism still exists, it’s still a problem for minorities, and it can be incredibly hurtful to be on the receiving end.

If your family makes racist comments, you can choose how to handle it. You can decide as a family if you are going to address the comments calmly and rationally, or if you will decide to remove yourself from the situation. You can plan a response such as, “I will not allow my family to be subjected to this sort of racist behavior. If you want us to stay, you will apologize and refrain from further comments of that nature.” The other option is to choose to leave immediately.

What is NOT a good option is to lose control, get angry, and make a scene. As difficult as it may be to remain calm in those types of circumstances, nothing is ever resolved by acting in anger. If you are concerned that you can’t handle this sort of situation without getting angry and making a scene, I suggest you not be in it at all.

It sounds as though this relationship has the potential to be long-term, as you seem committed to her and the children. If that is the situation, you will be faced with a lot of racism, microaggressions, and other painful situations for as long as racism continues to be an issue in our world. Sadly, there is a long way to go on that front. You are in a unique position to act as an ally for your girlfriend’s children, and in some ways, for all people of color.

If you and your girlfriend decide to go to your reunion and face what can possibly arise, you are opening yourselves up to be uncomfortable, hurt, and upset. On the other hand, you may be opening up opportunities for dialogue, reflection, and maybe even change in your family. This is not an easy situation, and it will require much of you and your girlfriend to navigate it with grace, but I believe that with honesty, openness, and a willingness to engage, you can manage it. I hope you believe that, too.

Best wishes in the journey!
Lisa

It sounds like you are feeling very alone in your marriage. Understandably, that is causing you great pain. I imagine your husband’s rather disinterested, even cold, response to your concerns causes you to feel unloved and like you are just not a priority for him.

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Is he willing to consider engaging in couples therapy? Are you? It seems like it could be very helpful given how far apart you two are on this issue. You are so deeply hurt and unable to get your needs met, and he seems both totally unfazed by your expressions of pain and largely unwilling to make any changes. I wonder if couples therapy could help the two of you to hear each other a bit better. If empathy and compassion can fill the space between you, you might find some middle ground.

Is he willing to consider engaging in couples therapy? Are you? It seems like it could be very helpful given how far apart you two are on this issue.

I also wonder if middle ground isn’t closer than it seems. It sounds like he is willing to compromise to some degree in that he is planning to work from home one week each month since he is also planning to take one weekend a month to go on photography trips. This may indicate that he has heard you to some degree and is willing to make a change to address your concerns.

Couples therapy might also provide an opportunity to bring some of your individual issues to light. I wonder what it is like for your husband to have had both of his previous relationships end due to infidelity. Does this cause him to keep you at a distance so he doesn’t get close enough to get hurt?

You indicate that this is your first relationship. It sounds like you had a lot of expectations about what marriage would be like and those expectations are not being met. An exploration of these unmet expectations might produce some valuable insights for you.

I hope you will both consider seeking out couples therapy to try to bring the relationship to a place that works for both of you. Even if he is unwilling, you might find your own individual therapy to be helpful in sorting out your feelings and determining your course of action.

Best wishes,

Sarah