A stack of photos tied with ribbon on blue and white writing deskIt’s far too common for newly married or new-parent couples to find themselves searching for more—more time together, more romance, more connection, more intimacy. Maybe, after the wedding is over and the thank-you notes are written, you’re thinking, “What are we supposed to do now?” Or maybe, when the baby is crying and the laundry is piling up, you’re thinking, “When will we feel like ourselves again?”

Research by Dr. Barry McCarthy, sex and relationship expert and author of Rekindling Desire, indicates that couples are more likely to become sexually inactive in the first two years of marriage than at any other period in their married life (McCarthy and McCarthy, 2014). His recommendation is for couples to reenergize their relationship intimacy by enhancing desire, pleasure, eroticism, and satisfaction.

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One place to start on the journey toward deeper intimacy is letter writing. Writing letters to each other is a good way to communicate your thoughts and feelings amid the demands of work and family. Remember the spark of excitement and desire when you received an old-fashioned, handwritten love letter? That’s the spirit of this activity. These are loving letters, full of your hopes, dreams, warmth, and tenderness. These letters inspire a deepening of intimacy because they help you communicate without distraction and with a genuine voice. The goal is for your words to bring you closer and help you feel more connected.

So here’s how it works: You and your partner commit to exchanging letters, ideally handwritten (but emailed will do), a few times a week. You can each answer one prompt below at a time, and you don’t have to follow the same order. It’s best to direct your answers to your partner, just as you would when writing a letter to anyone else.

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Your letters have the power to become the vision statement for your shared future together.

At the end of a few weeks, compile your letters and go over them together. What do you notice about where your answers overlap or where they are unique? Reread them often and allow the words to calm you when you’re angry, soothe you when you’re sad, and fill you with hope when you’re worried. Your letters have the power to become the vision statement for your shared future together.

If these prompts, your answers, or your partner’s answers have stirred up deeper feelings of dissatisfaction, disconnection, or disappointment, you may want to seek individual counseling, couples therapy, or sex therapy. The help of an experienced therapist is an investment in yourself and your marriage.

Reference:

McCarthy, B., & McCarthy, E. (2014). Rekindling desire, 2nd Ed. New York, NY: Routledge.

Happy couple with boxes, talking on porchSatisfying relationships add grace, warmth, and richness to our lives. Some relationships are remarkably nourishing and easy, while others are challenging. Based on years of experience in helping people resolve and repair personal and role-related relationships, here are five tried-and-true practices.

1. Differentiate Reactions from Responses

In preparing for a challenging conversation, one effective practice is to discern whether your feelings about and actions toward the person in question have been reactions or responses. Awareness of the difference can change everything. A reaction consists of words or actions based on feelings or experiences from the past. A response is a comeback based in real time.

For example, my partner, in a neutral tone of voice, asked me if I had repaired the mailbox yet. Having felt criticized long ago for not doing enough, I reacted with a strong and sour emotional burst: “No. You think it’s not on my mind? You haven’t noticed I already have 100 urgent things on my list?” That reaction was obviously not helpful and could easily begin an escalation. A response would have been, “Nope. But it’s fixed enough to get by until I have more time. I haven’t forgotten it.” You can imagine how much better this would have gone over.

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As another example, someone in therapy showed me a letter she had gotten from her mother. Enclosed was a $10 bill for her to use to do something nice for herself to help reduce the stress she was feeling. Her reply was, “This makes me so mad. Does she actually think $10 is going to pay for all the things she did wrong to me? It’s so lame. And it’s all about HER. It’s always all about HER.” Reaction, right?

After we did some talking about it, she shifted gears to a response: “Thanks, Mom. I’ll use it for something nice. I appreciate your wanting to help.” Things would go so much better with this reply.

Self-reflecting ahead of time about how you might respond, rather than react, may shift your energy and increase the chances of a successful interchange.

2. Engage Your Curiosity

The second important practice for improving your relationship is to find your curiosity when you feel attacked verbally. Imagine looking at the person you feel challenged by. Notice how you experience the challenge from this person. Now imagine turning around and changing only one thing—engaging your curiosity.

Next, imagine turning back and facing this person again, this time with curiosity. Notice how the person and conflict shift for you, thereby enabling you to de-escalate the conflict.

3. Link a Complaint with a Request for Change

I hear, “You always greet me with a negative comment on my looks. You keep saying I look tired and stressed. I think you use this to manipulate me into changing to accord with your ideas.” I hear, “I hate the way you are always looking over my shoulder at work, and then you criticize me if I’m not doing something the way you would.”

As a therapist and consultant, I notice that people tend to focus on complaining, blaming, or psychologizing each other. This approach inevitably leads to a downward energy spiral, loss of connection, and, ultimately, feelings of despair.

When I interrupt and ask, “Do you have a request for a change?” the wheels of criticism stop turning. There is a little space for something different to happen. The person who has a complaint has to refocus their attention from what they don’t like, and feel hurt and hopeless about, to what they want and toward the kind of interaction that would work better for them. No blame is needed. This request for change offers the would-be critic an unexpected chance for self-reflection rather than shaming and blaming the other.

As a therapist and consultant, I notice that people tend to focus on complaining, blaming, or psychologizing each other. This approach inevitably leads to a downward energy spiral, loss of connection, and, ultimately, feelings of despair.

The second part of this process engages the person receiving the complaint. “What parts of this request can you say yes to?” I invite the receiver to notice making a request can be a vulnerable and self-revealing thing. I continue, “For the sake of the relationship, it is not acceptable to say an absolute no. You may feel fine about the request, even grateful to know what would work better. Or you may find only some or even just one part of the request that you can say yes to, but you need to affirm at least that.”

Here’s an example: “My request is that if you are concerned about my well-being, please ask me how I am, believe my response, and then move on. The way this will benefit our relationship is I will feel more connected and real with you instead of mad that you don’t believe my response.” The receiver might only be able to say yes to inquiring about how I am. Rather than this small yes causing a relationship shutdown (as an absolute no would have), it opens the door to a genuine, heartfelt negotiation about the issue. Letting go of accusing the person with the complaint enables us to understand the motivation underlying all the questioning.

The change finally agreed to was that both would ask rather than comment, and be direct rather than covert. If one of them didn’t believe the response, they would arrange for another time to talk more personally outside the work setting. This complaint process has three parts: a succinct statement of the complaint, a measurable and specific request for a change, and a sentence or two about how this change would benefit the relationship.

4. Ask for a Do-Over

Have you ever wished you could simply redo an interaction that went poorly or escalated beyond what would be reasonable? Well, you can! A do-over begins with acknowledging something in the interchange didn’t go over well or as intended. Your impact can so often be different from your intention.

Here’s an example: Carla says, “I know you’re hurting, and if you would just do this course, everything would be okay.” Martin responds, “I’m sick of this. You’re always talking about your new ideas as if they were God’s gift from heaven. It’s like if I don’t agree, then there is something wrong with me, some way I am not good enough.”

Carla notices the conversation is not going well. “Oops! Could we do a do-over? It wasn’t my intention to tell you you are wrong or bad. If we could please begin again, I’d like to say it differently. “Martin, I just took a great course. I’m handling my stress much better now. How are you doing with stress these days? You might want to consider this course too.” Martin: “Actually, I’m not feeling much stress these days, but I’m interested in hearing about your experience.” Much better. No emotional charge. No escalation. The relationship is repaired and strengthened.

A do-over can reorient a relationship without those involved needing to do a lot of processing.

5. Make Your Challenging Conversation an Investment in Your Relationship

We tend to link conflict with pain, loss, anger, and no possibility for repair. When you make a shift toward understanding that attending to difficulties is an investment in the relationship, fear can be reduced on both sides. You can approach the person you challenged (or who challenged you) with an eye toward working it out in a way that furthers the relationship. This person will likely feel your interest in maintaining the relationship.

It’s been my experience that relationships in which people have successfully worked through a conflict tend to be even deeper and more satisfying than those that rarely have a conflict to work through. When relationship challenges are seen as offering a chance to make it better, you will be taking an action that benefits and strengthens that relationship.

As a reminder, one of the four dimensions of right use of power is the relationship dimension. In using your personal and professional power wisely and well, it is of great importance to track for problems, attend to them, and repair disconnects sooner rather than later. Give the keys described here a try. You—and those you relate with—will likely be happy you did.

Couple arguing in kitchenDo you and your partner have arguments that go round and round and seem like they recycle the same information over and over?

Max: Didn’t I tell you the reason I told your mother …

Melinda: No, that is not the reason you said at the time. If you had said what you’re saying now, I would have handled it differently. I don’t understand how you could change things so much.

Max: Why do you keep insisting I said something I never said? What I said was …

And so on. Some of these back-and-forths can take weeks to stop recycling themselves.

Why does this happen? And more to the point, what can be done about it?

What’s Behind the Arguing?

Human beings were built to connect with one another. In being connected, we chase away a sense of being alone. Connection, of course, requires us to understand one another. Ironically and unfortunately, we can feel most alone when we are with someone who does not understand us.

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Arguments such as the one Max and Melinda are having are attempts—however unsuccessful—to repair damage and connect, finally. The arguments are doomed to fail because of the way the participants go about it, but that is not what’s important to consider right now. What is important, I think, is these people desperately want to connect, as evidenced by the amount of energy they put into their conflict.

Another important piece here is that Max and Melinda want to connect on their own terms. This is not because they are selfish or controlling, but because they don’t know another way.

What Are They Doing Wrong?

Do you ever notice how, in a heated argument, no one involved is really listening? Each person is desperately trying to get a point across at the same time the other person is doing the exact same thing.

How can they possibly expect to meet somewhere in the middle? They don’t know what the other person is talking about, let alone how to reconnect and resolve the issue.

Why does it seem as if what they really want is to win? And where does winning get them, exactly?

People who have learned to argue like this have, like most of us, at one point or another been made to feel small or ashamed. As much as they want to connect, they don’t want to lower themselves—by “losing” the argument, by being “wrong”—in the process.

What Can They Do About It?

A necessary ingredient for a successful exchange in which two people may see things differently is to make sure the other person feels emotionally safe.

Think about it: if Max and Melinda are quite certain they will get bashed, blamed, or somehow made to feel small or stupid, they likely will continue in attack/defense mode. But if each makes clear, repeatedly, that no matter how difficult it becomes they will avoid hurting the other in any way, then the chances of a round-and-round thing decrease dramatically.

Here are some things they need to be careful of:

Instead, it’s a good idea to:

Case Example

One couple I worked with argued about food. They both worked long hours. The wife, who took pride in her cooking skills, would make delicious meals and be insulted when her husband would snatch a cookie from the cupboard. She got angry at him and they argued.

What was going on?

First, the wife took her husband’s culinary preferences personally. Looking at the issue from another angle could help her relax. If she liked the food she cooked, great. If her husband enjoyed it, so much the better. If he wanted other food too, it wasn’t necessarily a rejection of her cooking, let alone her, and it wasn’t helpful to interpret it as such.

Why does it seem as if what they really want is to win? And where does winning get them, exactly?

Second, it was perfectly reasonable for her to be disappointed. Disappointments are a part of life—rain on a beach day, the movie was a bore, the new gadget didn’t meet expectations. We can acknowledge the feeling of disappointment, surmise that on a 1-to-10 scale it’s about a 3, and move on.

Third, it wouldn’t hurt to express her feelings to her husband provided she does it as a statement of her feelings and not an accusation. He, in turn, might acknowledge her feelings and be gentle but honest about his own. If he didn’t love the meal but wants to soothe her, he can mention that although it was good and he appreciated it, he prefers foods that are less salty (or whatever). He can also offer to do the cooking the next night (and she, of course, can feel free to not like it).

If you need help resolving communication problems in your relationship, seeking the help of a trained couples counselor can be greatly beneficial. A good relationship always has differences. Making an effort to truly understand each other, rather than reacting emotionally in the moment, is key. The goal isn’t to win or even to agree; it’s for both parties to feel heard, to feel like what they think matters. That’s what fosters intimacy and draws two people closer together.

References:

  1. Gau, J. (2011). Successful marriage. Pastoral Psychology, 60, 651-658.
  2. Schnarch, D. (2009). Intimacy & Desire: Awaken the Passion in Your Relationship. New York: Beaufort Books.

two people chatting on couchAssertive communication is a style of speaking in which the goal is to take care of your needs while also showing the other party mutual respect. An important form of assertive communication is known as “I” messages or “I” statements. “I” messages clearly state what you want in a way that someone will understand and, more importantly, not get defensive. When people are defensive, they may get angry, accusatory, or ignore parts of what you are saying.

When you use “I” messages, you focus on your personal interpretation. Your experience is harder to argue with because it’s yours and yours alone. Someone might not agree with how you interpreted a behavior, but they are less likely to feel personally attacked by you expressing the experience as your own. As a result, “I” messages tend to reduce the likelihood of someone feeling criticized and may increase their likelihood of changing a behavior.

Roll your cursor over the text below (or click if you’re using a mobile device) to see examples of complete “I” messages:

I feel state feeling when state the behavior because state why. I would prefer we state preference or replacement behavior.

 

How ‘I’ Messages Work

An emotion is one word. If you say, “I feel like you aren’t listening to me,” that’s not a feeling. Feelings may include: anger, frustration, confusion, guilt, encouragement, gratitude, happiness—you get the point. When you begin a conversation with “I feel” and then express an emotion, you are putting your perspective first. This reminds the person you are talking to that this is how you feel and not about what they did to you.

[fat_widget_left]Once you have expressed the emotion you are feeling, describe what happened. Try to avoid saying “you” whenever possible. Again, this is about keeping the other person’s defenses down. Instead of saying, “I feel frustrated when you leave the dishes in the sink,” say, “I feel frustrated when I see dishes in the sink.” As another example, instead of, “I feel left out when you make plans without asking me,” try, “I feel left out when I’m not included in plan making.”

After you get the feeling and specific behavior down, you will want to explain why the behavior made you feel that way. This helps the person you are speaking to better understand why it’s so important. It might sound something like this: “I feel left out when I’m not included in plan making because I like to be aware of the schedule.”

Finally, provide a suggestion to take the guesswork out of what you need in the future. Using the last example, a replacement behavior might sound like, “I feel left out when I’m not included in plan making because I like to be aware of the schedule. I would prefer if you could send me an email before committing to our friends.” Sometimes there might not be an immediate solution, but even saying, “Can we talk about this further?” can be a good start.

The opposite of an “I” message is a “you” message. “You” messages often sound accusatory and tend to put people on the defensive. As soon as someone hears “you,” preparing for an attack is a common reaction. The goal of “I” messages is to diffuse that possibility, and instead enable a more meaningful discussion.

Here are some examples of “you” messages versus “I” messages:

“You” message: “You are always making me late for the movies!”
“I” message: “I feel anxious when I’m late for the movies because I want to make sure we get a good seat. Is there something I can help with to get us out earlier?”

“You” message: “You never remember to pick up the mail when you come in.”
“I” message: “I feel worried when we don’t have the mail at night because I want to make sure we don’t miss anything important. Could you please grab it when you come in tomorrow?”

Finally, it is important to remember that when using assertive communication there is no guarantee you will “I” messages will only increase the chances of getting something you want, but they often won’t get you everything you want.actually get the new behavior from the other person. “I” messages will only increase the chances of getting something you want, but they often won’t get you everything you want. In that last example, the person could easily say, “My hands are full when I come home so I tend to forget the mail. Could you get it instead?” That response is presumably preferable to the “Get off my back. I’m tired after work!” that you might be used to.

The true goal for utilizing “I” messages is to improve your overall communication to one of mutual respect and increase your confidence when speaking about touchy subjects. “I” messages take practice, so be patient with yourself as you get the hang of it. Over time, you will hopefully notice a reduction in petty arguments, criticism, and defensive reactions.

A young girl whispers to her motherEffective and meaningful communication is vital to human growth and function. However, the 21st century’s emphasis on speed has often produced quick results at the expense of quality and durability. These days we want our food faster and our coffee in an instant. Communication, like many other facets of human life, has been affected by our need for speed. The push for instant gratification has seen the rise of instant messaging. While getting the word out quickly does have its benefits, too often we focus solely on what we say rather than what we hear.

Why Listening Well Is So Important

A poll of 100 mental health professionals revealed communication problems is the most often cited contributing factor for divorce (65%). When considering divorce, 56% of women said their husband’s lack of listening was among their top communication complaints.

[fat_widget_right]Good listening skills can foster good communication and minimize misunderstandings. While other common relationship concerns—such as lack of emotional support, inability to resolve conflict, financial stress, and unfulfilled expectations—are serious issues within their own right, the application of good listening skills often means that many interpersonal conflicts may either be resolved more easily or avoided completely.

There are occasions when some conflicts become explosive and the situation may progress far more quickly than expected. In these circumstances, it may be important to slow down and listen. Listening well allows you to accurately gauge the situation from the other party’s perspective, discover the other party’s true concerns or needs, and respond in a manner that may quell the emotionally heated exchange. Poor listening skills, however, often contribute to poor communication.

Types of Listening Skills

In an effort to become a better communicator, learning and practicing different types of listening skills may be necessary. In many cases, we listen in order to learn facts, uncover emotions, or analyze a particular issue. Of course, the type of listening skill you choose to employ at a particular time will depend greatly on the setting, the audience, and your communication goals. After considering your circumstances closely, you may decide to use one of these types of listening:

Active listening – This skill encourages the listener to focus his or her full attention on the speaker. It involves repeating what the listener believes the speaker said, but in the listener’s own words. The listener may also express his or her understanding of the speaker’s psychological response to the situation. For example, an active listener may say “I understand you are upset that I borrowed your notes without asking.” The speaker may then confirm or clarify the listener’s understanding.

When listening, you may sometimes become distracted by your own thoughts. Perhaps you may be overly concerned about what you are going to say in response, or you may believe you already know what the speaker is about to say. However, active listening involves setting aside judgment during the listening process and using nonverbal communication—such as facial expressions, gestures, and other forms of body language—to show the speaker that complete attention is being paid to his or her message.

Reflective listening – This strategy is often confused with active listening as it too involves giving the speaker undivided attention, using nonverbal cues, and asking questions in order to confirm ideas or provide further clarification. However, while active listening encourages the listener to express what he or she thinks the speaker says or feels, reflective listening encourages the listener to reflect or mirror the speaker’s psychology and emotions so the speaker feels as if he or she is being listened to.

The goal of reflective listening is to provide support while trying to understand the speaker’s perspective. This approach can be crucial to maintaining romantic, business, and social ties as it demonstrates sensitivity to the speaker’s emotions.

Key points to remember during reflective listening include:

Critical listening – This listening strategy is often used when the aim of the listener is to evaluate and analyze what is being said. Critical listening is often employed in situations that involve decision-making or problem-solving. Unlike active listening and reflective listening, which are both non-judgmental listening skills, critical listening involves the use of personal judgment.

Critical listening can be an excellent tool in academic or business contexts in which the primary goal of communication is to garner accurate information, compare it to what is already known, and apply it to situations in which it may be beneficial. A critical listener will ask questions about whether the information being transmitted is credible, logical, or being used for manipulation. As critical listening is usually results-oriented, it may be best used when neither the speaker nor the listener is overly concerned about his or her emotions during communication.

Ways to Apply Listening Skills

While it can be important for good communicators to learn good listening skills, it may be equally important to learn how to apply these skills effectively. To facilitate meaningful communication, it is recommended that the listener face the speaker and maintain eye contact. Not only can this approach minimize possible distractions, it can give the speaker the impression that his or her message is being taken seriously.

Listening well allows you to accurately gauge the situation from the other party’s perspective, discover the other party’s true concerns or needs, and respond in a manner that may quell the emotionally heated exchange. Poor listening skills, however, often contribute to poor communication.A good communicator should also be relaxed during conversation. Though an effective listener may be mindful of interrupting the speaker and only ask clarifying questions when the speaker pauses, he or she may send nonverbal cues to the speaker that can significantly affect the flow of communication.

Good communicators are also encouraged to keep an open mind, picture what the speaker is saying, and give appropriate feedback at appropriate times. This practice may put the speaker at ease—particularly if he or she is relating a difficult issue—and may prompt the speaker to provide more information than expected.

As social beings our quality of life is often dependent on meaningful communication with others, and the application of effective listening skills can be a big part of that effort. When properly used, these techniques can help enhance our marriages, families, careers, and more.

If your goal is to become a better communicator as you carry out your role as parent, partner, teacher, supervisor, or friend, try applying these strategies to your life. You may discover improvements in your personal relationships in the process. Being a good speaker is commendable, but if you want to be a good communicator, you may want to stop talking for a moment and listen up!

References:

  1. American Psychological Association. (2004). Marital education programs help keep couples together. Retrieved from http://www.apa.org/research/action/marital.aspx
  2. Bernstein, E. (2015, January 12). How active listening makes both participants in a conversation feel better. The Wall Street Journal. Retrieved from http://www.wsj.com/articles/how-active-listening-makes-both-sides-of-a-conversation-feel-better-1421082684
  3. Conflict Research Consortium, University of Colorado. (n.d.). Active listening. Retrieved from http://www.colorado.edu/conflict/peace/treatment/activel.htm
  4. Deutschendorf, H. (2014, September 3). 5 ways to improve your listening skills. Retrieved from http://www.fastcompany.com/3036026/how-to-be-a-success-at-everything/5-ways-to-improve-your-listening-skills
  5. Doherty, W. H. (n.d.). How common is divorce and what are the reasons? Retrieved from http://www.divorce.usu.edu/files/uploads/lesson3.pdf
  6. Kilpatrick, J. (2015, May 31). Types of listening skills. Retrieved from http://www.livestrong.com/article/82419-kinds-listening-skills/
  7. Poor Communication is the #1 Reason Couples Split Up: Survey. (2013, November 20). Huffington Post: Divorce. Retrieved from http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/11/20/divorce-causes-_n_4304466.html
  8. Scott, K. (2015, September 8). How to connect with your kid using reflective listening skills. Retrieved from https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/how-to-connect-with-your-kid-using-reflective-listening-skills-0908154
  9. Schilling, D. (2012, November 9). 10 steps to effective listening. Retrieved from http://www.forbes.com/sites/womensmedia/2012/11/09/10-steps-to-effective-listening/
  10. Taft College. (n.d.). Active listening skills. Retrieved from http://www.taftcollege.edu/lrc/class/assignments/actlisten.html

Portrait of unhappy young couple having problemsSeveral minutes after I had asked my husband to skip the gym so we could go straight to a “Fall Fun Festival,” I could tell something wasn’t right. His answers to my questions were monosyllabic and devoid of warmth. I was frustrated that going to the gym was more important to him than spending time with me. “Are you mad at me?” I asked, feeling confused and annoyed. He said, “No, it’s fine,” and walked out the door to run some errands.

For a long time, a lot of our arguments looked this way—me probing for how he was feeling without revealing anything about my own emotional experience. Often, my husband would shut down even more after I asked him this question and our arguments stalled as I fumed and waited for him to own his feelings. I know he’s mad, but he’s not TELLING me he’s mad. This is CLEARLY all his fault. Why can’t he tell me how he feels?

There’s nothing wrong with checking in on how your partner is feeling (“What’s going on for you right now? You look angry”). The problem with asking your partner if he or she is mad at you is it sends the message that (1) his or her emotional experience is the only one that’s responsible for whatever issue has arisen, and that (2) if he or she is not mad at you, there is no point to further discussion. It also allows the questioner to avoid owning his or her own feelings.

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Ultimately, whether your partner shares his or her emotional experience with you is up to your partner. Many people struggle to put words to their feelings for a variety of valid and sometimes painful reasons. However, if you find yourself constantly wondering how your partner is feeling in tense moments, you may want to try some of the following suggestions:

  1. Acknowledge that people process emotions in different ways and at different speeds. While one partner may want to talk things out immediately, another might need more time. Both ways of coping are valid. Sometimes, the best time to talk about emotions is after the intensity of the moment has passed.
  2. Check in with yourself about how you’re feeling in the moment. Do you feel distant from your partner? Confused? Alone? Sad? Do you feel increasingly angry or annoyed the more distant and alone you feel? By sharing these feelings with your partner, you can increase his or her sense of safety by showing that you are open to also being vulnerable and honest with your feelings. You can also work together to understand what’s going on between the two of you. Maybe your partner isn’t mad at you and is actually exhausted, stressed, or was reminded of something else he or she is angry about. Either way, telling your partner you feel distant lets him or her realize how his or her own mood is impacting you and the relationship. This is much more productive than accusing your partner of having a feeling he or she may or may not be having.
  3. Assume your partner’s feelings and reactions make sense and approach the situation from a place of curiosity. The idea here is to better understand and connect to your partner.

It took a long time for me to find the words to say, “Hey, I’m feeling really distant from you right now. It’s a lonely, sad way to feel, and the more distant I feel, the more I start to feel angry.” It feels risky and vulnerable to approach someone when it seems like he or she is avoiding you, but the potential payoff for vulnerability is connection. I found when I approached how I felt, my partner was much more likely to meet me with his own emotional experience—whether he was actually angry at me or feeling a variety of other ways.

If you need help communicating your feelings, contact a qualified therapist.

Before I try to answer your question, I have to come clean. When my husband Mark and I first met 30 years ago I lived with a 7-year-old boy, two snakes, two cats, a dog, a bunch of tropical fish, two turtles, and, if I remember correctly, a couple of hamsters. All this in a typical (read small) Manhattan apartment. After we wed, Mark said, “I didn’t just marry Lynn—I joined her biosphere.”

Mark had grown up with almost no pets, except, after much lengthy pleading, a goldfish his mother bought him, and which died pretty fast.

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I have never lived without a pet, and I loved all the members of what Mark called my biosphere, even my son’s snakes! I had those creatures before I met Mark, so I did most of the work, which was fair, except Mark kindly walked the dog every morning and sometimes at night, too, and he cleaned out the cat box when I was pregnant. He has learned to feed the livestock if he gets up first, but he refuses to sleep with any animals other than me. That was a blow to me and the cats, but we adjusted.

Now Mark says, “I’ve grown to like the beasts.” When he says this, I think (but do not say), “Beasts? What beasts?”

The snakes, the dog, the fish, the turtles, and the hamsters all died eventually, and we slowly pared down on livestock, but I cannot bear a house without cats. I have always lived with cats. My earliest happy memory is visiting a mama cat and her newborn babies.

My thoughts about you and your girlfriend, the dog and the two cats? First off, I think all members of a household, both furry and not so furry, have to agree before adopting anyone new. No one joins up unless everybody is on board. The puppy is the new baby, and I wonder when and how he or she appeared. Was there discussion? The ASPCA and other adoption agencies (pet stores, not so much) try to make sure all family members agree before adding a new member to the family. This protects the furries and the less furry. Cats and dogs are a responsibility, and taking one into your home is like having a child. You are responsible for the animal’s well-being. They deserve love, compassion, and respect—just like humans.

The problem is not with the four-legged critters; the problem here is with the bipeds. It’s important that the concerns of both parties be heard—fully heard—by the other.

Through no fault of their own, furry companions walk into the line of fire and elicit strong emotional reactions between people. The furries become symbols of communication problems. They can be a bridge between their people or they can be a dividing line. This is not fair to anyone.

I suggest that you and your girlfriend have a long and frank talk together, not only about the pets but also (and most importantly) how you connect and make decisions together. You might consider relationship counseling so you can get back on track. The problem is not with the four-legged critters; the problem here is with the bipeds. It’s important that the concerns of both parties be heard—fully heard—by the other.

Dr. Joel Gavriele-Gold wrote a book about this called When Pets Come Between Partners: How to Keep Love—and Romance—in the Human/Animal Kingdom of Your Home. You and your girlfriend might want to read it together.

Best wishes,
Lynn

GoodTherapy | Is Being 'Thick-Skinned' Your Strength or Your Weakness?You’re strong. You’re thick-skinned. You don’t take it personally when someone vents emotional distress on you.

These are admirable, useful qualities. Having thick skin makes it easier for people to be themselves with you, and for you to be with other people. It allows you to hear the message beneath the emotion, protecting you from the outburst. If you didn’t have thick skin, you could be emotionally overwhelmed or your ego could be crushed by the anger or criticism of others.

But everything has two sides. The potential negative side of being thick-skinned is being too permissive and accepting verbal abuse. The worst-case scenario is your thick skin keeps you in relationships that devolve into physical abuse. It’s important to consider when a strength has become a weakness.

Here are some questions worth asking when you feel your thick skin being tested:

  1. Is the person displacing anger on you? An example of displacement is when a person is angry at a coworker but yells at the dog. It usually occurs when people can’t express anger at the person or entity they’re actually angry at: a boss, a parent, an unjust society. It happens sometimes, but if it happens often, you may have become the dumping ground for another person’s anger.
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  2. Is the person’s expression of anger or criticism an attempt to repair a problem? Anger can alert us to the fact we’re unhappy about something. An expression of these feelings can be an attempt to improve your relationship. When a person’s expression of anger or criticism is controlled and respectful and the goal is improvement, a thick skin is valuable in helping you remain open to hearing what the other person is trying to communicate.
  3. Is the person’s anger or criticism an attempt to hurt you? Instead of trying to improve the relationship, sometimes the goal is to hurt you. It’s never OK for someone to try to hurt you. Your thick skin could be detrimental if it allows you to ignore hurtful behavior.
  4. Is the anger mild or high intensity? The intensity of anger runs on a spectrum from calm, respectful communication to red-faced shouting that is disrespectful and threatening. Your strength is a weakness if it’s allowing you to tolerate dangerous and disrespectful outbursts.
  5. Is this anger coming at me typical behavior for this relationship or is it a rare outburst? If hostility toward you is typical and frequent for your relationship, your tolerance is too high. Even if you think you can take it, the anger and criticism can take a toll on your health and mental well-being. A high-intensity incident, even if rare, is cause for concern and shouldn’t be ignored.
  6. Is the experience of tolerating other people’s anger isolated to one relationship or do you experience it in multiple relationships? If multiple people are getting upset with you about the same thing, then that could be an indication you have a problematic behavior you should confront. On the other hand, if multiple people—your boss, your neighbor, your friends—are all displacing their anger on you, then your thick skin may have unconsciously made you into a safe target for other people’s aggression.

The bottom line is other people shouldn’t hurt you. You might be able to take it, but maybe you shouldn’t.

Two older adults sit on sofa at small table facing away from each other with arms crossed

Conflict in relationships is inevitable, but it doesn’t have to be destructive. Recent research confirms that managing relationship conflict is indeed a difficult yet crucial task for romantic partners, and the intensity and impact of conflict depend on several variables, including the nature of the relationship, the context in which the conflict occurs, and the strategies employed to address it. Many partners struggle to find ways to avoid hurt feelings without avoiding discussion altogether. You might feel unable to control your actions at times, especially when you feel attacked or shamed. You and your partner may get locked into dynamics that feel inevitable, and you might begin to respond to each other based on the repetition of those patterns rather than what is happening in the present moment. These recurring patterns often reflect underlying attachment styles, which can develop early on and continue to shape how partners respond to each other in conflict.

Self-awareness and empathy can allow you to define your patterns and become aware of what triggers you and your partner to feel the emotions that lead to defensive and contemptuous behaviors. Research demonstrates that developing self-awareness, along with active listening—the practice of fully concentrating, understanding, responding, and remembering what someone is saying—can help you become more empathetic. High levels of self-awareness are a sign of high emotional intelligence that leads to improved communication, more empathy, improved conflict resolution, and improved emotional regulation.

Often, understanding the patterns of your arguments is enough to de-escalate or even prevent harmful interactions. As individuals mature and gain more experience in managing conflicts and relationships, they develop a much clearer inner structure and more flexible and consistent use of conflict management dimensions. There are times, however, that this information leads partners to look at each other and say: “You know what triggers me. So when you stop, I’ll be able to stop, too.”

Who has the responsibility here? The one who has grown more aware of her partner’s sensitivity to a certain tone, or the one who learns he is sensitive to tones that remind him of earlier, painful experiences? Both, of course! Keeping in mind that taking responsibility for how you respond doesn’t mean you’re accepting disrespect, abuse, or hurtful behavior from your partner. Both partners need to be attentive to both their own behaviors and how they react to each other. But what happens when your partner isn’t being skillful enough to alter his or her behavior? Do you jump right in and engage in your old pattern?

couple in angry fight

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Here is the moment where you make an important choice. What would happen if you didn’t need your partner to change first, so that you can change in response? What would it be like to take ownership of your own development and create change simply because you understand its importance?

You can ask your partner to be mindful of your sensitivities, approach you differently, and refrain from certain language or tones. But you cannot allow yourself to place your self-control and your accountability in the hands of another. It is unfair to ask your partner to manage both of you, especially when emotions are high. It also disempowers you. Research by John Gottman has shown over decades that an excessive amount of defensiveness is one of the strongest predictors of divorce and breakup, which he called one of the “Four Horsemen of Apocalypse” for relationships. It reinforces the inaccurate belief you are being carried away by forces external to your influence.

Think about what would happen if you recognized the pattern and stopped it in its tracks. Imagine being the one who chooses not to perpetuate the cycle just this one time. What would you feel knowing you had reduced the opportunity for pain and disconnection between you and your partner? And in that stillness—that moment where the dynamic breaks down—so many options emerge. What other behaviors could you choose that might lead to connection, hope, and love?

man and woman flirting

Research on interpersonal emotion regulation shows this is a crucial skill that underpins the emotional dynamics in couples’ relationships, involving not only focusing on one’s own emotions but also considering one’s partner’s emotional experience.

If you’re in a high-conflict or potentially unsafe relationship, or if past experiences have left you feeling easily triggered, it can be hard to manage your emotions in the moment. Working with a therapist on your own first can give you helpful tools for staying safe and regulating your emotions before trying these strategies with your partner.

Remember: postponing or altering your reaction does not mean you condone disrespect or abuse. But if you know you and your partner are committed to a healthier relationship, then re-commit during the conflict. Slow down long enough to determine what you want to do next. Rather than feel compelled by adrenaline, anger, or inaccurate interpretations, become curious! Emotional regulation is essential for healthy relationships because it directly impacts how we communicate, resolve conflict, and stay connected. In relationships, emotional regulation means being able to manage your own feelings—like anger, frustration, or anxiety—so that you respond to situations thoughtfully instead of reacting impulsively.

Be curious about your own needs, feelings, and experience. Perhaps a deep breath or a walk around the block could calm your nerves long enough so you can reengage with your partner in a more loving way. Maybe you just need to clarify that you heard your partner correctly. Or perhaps you might describe how the current interaction feels to you and ask for a new beginning. Ask for as many new beginnings as you need to get it right.

person removing wedding ring

What your partner does in response to any of this is not your responsibility. Your responsibility is to promote interactions that align with the kind of relationship you want. As long as you come from love, compassion, and understanding, you will see your partner more clearly because your misconceptions and pain will no longer cloud your vision. When we understand our own emotions and experiences, we become more attuned to those of our partner, recognizing their triggers, biases, and limitations. Self-awareness helps you take things less personally, step into your partner’s shoes, acknowledge their perspective, and find common ground, ultimately strengthening your relationship. Once you really see your partner, you can decide if you still want to invest your time and energy into the relationship. If your partner also longs for a new dynamic, he or she will appreciate your effort and most likely want to reciprocate by joining you in a fresh start.

Ultimately, you must begin with yourself. Take a risk and make the first move. Recent studies show that among married individuals, the functionality of emotion regulation strategies has been associated with higher marital satisfaction and fewer conflict and stress events. Even a small change can dramatically alter the path you’re on and bring you closer to the relationship you desire.

References:

  1. Jöhnk, H., Sevincer, A. T., & Oettingen, G. (2025). Mental contrasting and conflict management in satisfied and unsatisfied romantic relationships. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 42(1). https://doi.org/10.1177/02654075241298165
  2. Spahi Kovaç, E., Morina, S., & Kervan, S. (2025). Relation between conflict management strategies and family assessment devices in multicultural setting. European Journal of Educational Research, 14(3), 929-946. https://doi.org/10.12973/eu-jer.14.3.929
  3. Pottier, M., & Doherty, G. (2024). The dimensionality of the Conflict Resolution Styles Inventory across age and relationships. Frontiers in Psychology, 15. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2024.1233279
  4. Msughter, J. G. (2024). Managing conflict in marriage: Techniques and interventions for addressing and resolving disagreements in a healthy and productive manner. GAS Journal of Arts Humanities and Social Sciences, 2(4), 1-15.
  5. Baghaei, N., Golzari, M., & Mootabi, F. (2024). The role of interpersonal emotion regulation in couples’ relationships. Iran Journal of Psychiatry and Behavioral Sciences, 19(1), e148166.
  6. Fernández-Berrocal, P., Extremera, N., & Ramos, N. (2004). Emotional intelligence and self-awareness in romantic relationships: Links to communication and satisfaction. Personality and Individual Differences, 36(8), 1875–1887.
  7. Gottman, J. M., & Levenson, R. W. (2000). The timing of divorce: Predicting when a couple will divorce over a 14-year period. Journal of Marriage and Family, 62(3), 737-745.
  8. Gottman, J. M. (1999). The marriage clinic: A scientifically based marital therapy. W. W. Norton & Company.
  9. Crapo, R. H., et al. (2023). Understanding defensiveness and accountability in couple relationships: A qualitative study. Journal of Family Therapy, 45(2), 234-251.

Man and Woman Noticing Each OtherI recently wrote about pornography use and how it doesn’t necessarily or even usually signify impending doom for a relationship. Some of the responses to the article surprised me—not because there was debate, but because many partners expressed feelings of insecurity about their significant others finding someone else attractive. Some people said they wanted their partners to communicate about their pornography usage, some preferred a “don’t ask, don’t tell” approach, and others preferred to operate under the assumption that their partners do not use porn, without ever discussing the subject openly.

These same “camps” can be applied to partners who develop feelings for other people. Some partners would prefer not to know about those feelings unless they become a problem for that person—if they’re having trouble setting boundaries around their own behavior. A colleague of mine over the summer shared that she and her wife have an agreement to always tell the other person when one develops a crush. Like my colleague, some partners would prefer always to know—this helps them develop an intimate foundation of trust and to make informed, collaborative decisions about the people in their lives. Others would prefer to live under the illusion that they won’t develop attractions or feelings for other people, or that their partners won’t.

I’m here today to discuss productive ways of handling crushes that develop while in a relationship. I’m also here to deliver some bad news. In the same way it’s unreasonable to expect that your partner will never find another person attractive, it’s not especially realistic to believe he or she won’t develop crush-like feelings for another person, even while remaining committed to you.

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The truth is that, no matter our preferences, we often have little control over the things we think and feel. And when we buck up against our thoughts and feelings, rather than owning and accepting them as parts of our lives, they tend to grow.

It’s harder to regulate our thoughts and feelings when we’re shaming ourselves. The same could be said for other internal states we struggle with—anxiety and depression, for example. When we live in relationship to others who react to our feeling states, we don’t just experience baseline symptoms of anxiety and depression; we may also judge ourselves for having those feelings, and then deal with added anxiety as we anticipate the ways our partners might react. From this web, obsessions can develop.

Not Talking about It Isn’t the Answer

One way to take power away from anxiety, depression, or in this case a crush is to talk openly about it. I will specify here that I am writing this article mainly for couples whose communication already feels emotionally safe. We all react poorly to our partners sometimes, but this taboo topic involves a certain ability to empathize and to see from multiple perspectives. If that’s not already happening in your relationship, that’s a red flag, and this advice isn’t for you.

It’s common for people in relationships to try to squash the possibility of their partners attracting other people (and vice versa). And it’s this type of controlling action that hushes secure communication about the tough stuff that otherwise brings partners closer together. When we put limits on our partners from a place of fear, we are not giving them a chance to demonstrate their trustworthiness.

I also want to state that feeling threatened by your partner developing a crush is totally normal. However, it’s important to recognize that this type of jealousy is in part about self-esteem and not just about your partner’s behavior. It’s common for people in relationships to try to squash the possibility of their partners attracting other people (and vice versa). And it’s this type of controlling action that hushes secure communication about the tough stuff that otherwise brings partners closer together. When we put limits on our partners from a place of fear, we are not giving them a chance to demonstrate their trustworthiness.

Over time, this dynamic—one partner using insecurity to control his or her partner, while the partner, in turn, keeps his or her desires a secret, leading to resentment about not being understood—is what dooms partnerships.

Here’s the thing about secrets: they become pressure-cookers for strong feelings. The more one feels like he or she shouldn’t be doing something, the more shame he or she may experience. Rather than serving as a motivator to stop behaviors, shame becomes paralyzing. In partnerships where a secret is finally revealed, partners may spin into feedback loops in which they react to one another and elevate the other person’s anxiety, often without being able to self-regulate their own. This can reinforce feelings of shame and punish partners for trying to confront uncomfortable topics head-on.

How to Decide If a Crush Is Worth Mentioning

Let’s say there’s a classmate or new coworker and after a couple of conversations, you start to get that fluttery feeling in your chest. Depending on what you’re like, you might either want to pursue the person or run for the hills. Regardless of what your gut is telling you to do, let’s also say you’re in a committed partnership. How can you communicate about these feelings in a way that’s fair to all parties?

First, search yourself. Rather than pushing your feelings away, recognize that what you’re dealing with is a crush. You don’t need to become attached to this label, as crushes and feelings are fickle things, but give yourself the opportunity to explore your thoughts and feelings, perhaps on paper, or talk them out with a compassionate friend. Chances are, your crush will already feel less powerful.

Another option is to meditate—simply to witness how strong the tides of desire ebb and flow from moment to moment. Ask yourself pointed questions and see what clarity can come when you stop trying to push your thoughts away.

Sex educator Dr. Emily Nagoski (2015) offers tips for couples and individuals who are working through their emotions and relays nonjudgmental communication strategies for acknowledging those emotions. She tells us to treat our emotions as if they are sleepy hedgehogs sitting in our laps. It is not helpful to scream at your partner about the presence of the hedgehog, nor is it useful to pretend the hedgehog is not there; the existence of the hedgehog is going to impact you and your partnership. But by dealing with the hedgehog—the emotion—tenderly and with compassion, you and your partner will prosper.

How to Bring Up a Crush with a Partner

If you decide it’s best to speak up about your crush, you might experience even more anxiety than you did about the crush in the first place. For difficult dialogues, I strongly recommend Reid Mihalko’s Difficult Conversation Formula (Mihalko, 2012), which I first found in the book Girl Sex 101 (Moon & diamond, 2014, p. 54) but is also available as a downloadable worksheet in the reference list. It goes like this:

  1. I have something to tell you.
  2. Here’s what I’m afraid will happen when I tell you …
  3. Here’s what I want to have happen …
  4. Here’s what I have to tell you …

Sometimes, it’s OK for conversations with your partner to feel like a first draft, but recognize when that’s what they are and maybe say so. You don’t have to have a thesis or a conclusion when you sit down to talk with your partner, but owning that “these are my feelings and I don’t necessarily want to do anything about them, but I feel like you should know what they are” is incredibly helpful for some people. And because this confession is likely to summon strong feelings, maybe try drafting out your points ahead of time—either with the worksheet, in your head, or with a trusted friend.

If you have a crush on someone who is not your partner, here’s an example of how a difficult dialogue might be introduced using steps 2 and 3:

I’m afraid if I tell you, you’ll get upset and will question my love for you, but that’s not what this is about for me.

I want us to be able to talk about this because if we don’t now, I’m afraid it’s going to grow. I want us to have a trusting partnership where we can talk about the things that make us uncomfortable, even when it’s scary.

Chances are, if both partners are able to recognize that the other person is honest, has good intentions, and keeps the best interests of the partnership in mind, this conversation will provide both partners with an opportunity to strengthen trust and grow intimacy.

Best of luck!

References:

  1. Mihalko, R. (2012). Say what’s not being said: Reid’s formula for difficult conversations. ReidAboutSex. Retrieved from http://reidaboutsex.com/difficult-conversation-formula/
  2. Moon, A., & diamond, kd. (2014). Girl Sex 101. Lunatic Ink.
  3. Nagoski, E. (2015). Come as you are: The surprising new science that will transform your sex life. New York, NY: Simon & Schuster Paperbacks.

How upsetting to make such a discovery! It is unusual, developmentally, for an 8-year-old to smear feces on the wall, though I would hesitate to jump to the conclusion of mental health issues or other concerns without having more information.

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It doesn’t sound as if there has been a lot of open communication between your families historically. If that is the case, I can understand your hesitation. It sounds as if you are trying to be sensitive to their feelings, which is admirable. If, however, there are some developmental or behavioral concerns, it is important that her parents are fully informed so that they can take appropriate steps to get her the support she needs.

My recommendation would be to share the information in as nonjudgmental a way as possible. You can mention what you found, express that it puzzled you, and that you just wanted them to be aware.

My recommendation would be to share the information in as nonjudgmental a way as possible. You can mention what you found, express that it puzzled you, and that you just wanted them to be aware. Be sure to avoid jumping to conclusions or making accusations about intent. Sticking to the facts can make it easier to present difficult information. You said she “seems like a nice girl otherwise”—she likely IS a nice girl, and while it may be difficult to fathom what led to her actions, the simplest way to find out what happened is to ask.

It might be an awkward conversation. The parents might react defensively or with embarrassment. They may also appreciate knowing. What does your husband think? It is his sister and her family, after all. Does he have suggestions on what approach might work best? Would it be easier if the information came from him?

You also may want to consider what you would want if the roles were reversed. If it were your child, would you rather find out right away, thus allowing you the opportunity to respond to your child’s needs? Think about what it might be like the next time they visit. Would you feel comfortable putting her in the guest room again? Chances are, this incident would come up, and then the embarrassment and awkwardness could be coupled with frustration at not having heard about it before.

Best of luck,
Erika

GoodTherapy | 10 Communication Problems and Mistakes We All MakeCommunication problems are the number one reason couples split up, with 65% of couples citing this issue as the primary cause of divorce, according to a 2013 survey. But it’s not only romantic relationships that are affected by communication issues—they are often at the root of conflicts in our everyday lives.

Perhaps we fail to say what we mean, or we misinterpret the words of another. Whatever the blunder, we could all benefit from recognizing our communication mistakes and turning them into communication skills.

Here are 10 common communication problems and mistakes:

1. Not Truly Listening

When we are communicating with someone, we often are not committing our full attention. We might be looking at our phones, watching television, or even daydreaming about something else.

[fat_widget_relationships_right]When we don’t actively listen to the person we are speaking to, not only do we run the risk of making the person feel invalidated, but we also miss important nonverbal cues and may not fully understand the person’s message. To avoid communication mishaps, it is best to give the speaker 100% of our attention. Effective listening skills include making eye contact, asking clarifying questions, and remaining engaged.

2. Assuming You Know the Message Before the Person Finishes

We’ve all done it. We’re listening to a friend speak, and we already assume we know what is going to be said before they finish their sentence. When we assume we know what the person will say, we miss what is actually being said. Honor the speaker by remaining openly curious and listening intently for the message rather than predicting what will be said.

3. Interrupting the Speaker

We’ve probably all interrupted another person midsentence once or twice. It can happen accidentally, or we may get so excited about what we want to say and fear we will forget our response if we don’t just go ahead and say it. Others may interrupt during arguments as a power move.

Whatever the intention, interrupting can make a person feel invalidated, as if what they have to say is unimportant. Have respect for the other person, and allow them to finish the message entirely before you respond.

4. Using “You” Statements Instead of “I” Statements

When we are discussing our feelings with another person, we need to own those feelings rather than place the responsibility on the other person. It can be easy to say, “You did this” or “You didn’t do that.”

When we use “I” statements, we take ownership of how we feel and are less likely to make the other person feel attacked. Instead of saying, “You didn’t call me back…” try saying, “I felt hurt when you didn’t return my call.”

5. Letting Your Emotions Dictate Your Response

When we react emotionally, we are likely to say things we don’t mean. A good communicator allows emotions to sit for a while and then chooses to carefully respond rather than react.

6. Failing to Account for Cultural Differences in Communication

Cross-cultural communication can be difficult. Words can take on different meanings, and cultural norms surrounding nonverbal communication may vary. When communicating with people from other cultural backgrounds, it’s important to account for cultural differences in communication styles. If we don’t, we may accidentally offend or miscommunicate with someone.

7. Misinterpreting the Message

We may misinterpret others more often than we think. To avoid this, it is best to give the person our full attention and paraphrase the message back to the speaker to ensure we have understood correctly.

In today’s society, we are more susceptible to misinterpretation, as we rely heavily on technological communication. Without tone of voice and nonverbal cues, it can be easy to misunderstand each other. When using text or email communication, be sure to use appropriate punctuation and ask clarifying questions to ensure you understand the other person.

8. Being Indirect

Being subtle and/or indirect in communication is usually ineffective. We can’t expect other people to read our minds. If you want someone to understand you, try being direct and try not to “beat around the bush” in conversation.

9. Attacking Character Rather than Behavior

When we are upset with someone, it is easy to say things such as, “You’re a jerk” or “You’re an idiot.” Rather than attack someone’s character, an effective communicator should address the actual behavioral issue and leave it at that.

10. Avoiding Difficult Conversations

When faced with the possibility of a difficult conversation, many people choose to avoid or prolong the conversation as long as possible. People usually perceive a conversation as difficult when they are faced with telling someone something that person doesn’t want to hear. It might be delivering bad news or bringing up a conflict of interest.

An effective communicator remains open and honest to address issues as soon as they arise rather than avoiding or prolonging important discussions.Perhaps you dread telling your children about your cancer diagnosis or don’t want to hurt your partner by revealing an affair. Whatever the topic, avoiding difficult conversations only makes matters worse long term. Tension can build and you may end up bringing the issue up at the wrong time, which could create additional conflict. Withholding information can create distance between you and the other person. You also run the risk that the person will receive the information from a third party first.

An effective communicator remains open and honest to address issues as soon as they arise rather than avoiding or prolonging important discussions.

Relationship, couple, and marriage and family therapists can help individuals, couples, and families learn how to improve communication skills by addressing their issues and offering solutions for more effective communication. If you are experiencing communication problems in your relationships or just need some relationship advice, consider seeing a therapist.

References:

  1. Family Therapy: Tips to Improve Communication. Behavioral Health Evolution: Innovative resources for treating substance abuse, mental health, and co-occurring disorders. Retrieved from: http://www.bhevolution.org/public/effective_communication.page
  2. General Information about Communication Problems. (2008). International Training Program on Intractable Conflict. Conflict Research Consortium, University of Colorado. Retrieved from: http://www.colorado.edu/conflict/peace/problem/commprob.htm
  3. Poor Communication is the #1 Reason Couples Split Up: Survey. (2013, November 20). Huffington Post: Divorce. Retrieved from: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/11/20/divorce-causes-_n_4304466.html
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