Hope: A Poem About Healing from Being Unwanted

Electric feeling in my face
threading up from my tummy.
Something vibrating, trying to escape.
to run from danger, to go back home,
upward to the Formless

Feels like a dried up cocoon,
like a shell washed up on the beach:
lifeless… crusty… scared… dead,
embalmed… sarcophagus
covered with think crust

Just one sign of life, a faint red glow, a dying heart.
Wordless, it rocks with acknowledgement of my presence
I move closer
He has no age, he is unborn.

Invite light
Open space above my head
Invite hummingbird and grandmother spirit
Grandmother spirit translates:
This fetus was not wanted
This fetus was lost and abandoned
This fetus died many generations ago

Died within my mother’s mother when she was not wanted
Died within my mother when she was not wanted
Died within me when I was not wanted

The fetus hides from other’s eyes
Other’s eyes stir it and awaken fear within it
The way eyes looked upon it and hearts felt upon it over many years past,
The fetus is afraid of being killed by eyes and hearts.
Lost, hidden, terrified.

I tremble with grief
I tremble with grief
I tremble with grief
For this fetus, for my mother, for my mother’s mother.

What’s that I hear?
The fetus wants to be reborn
Sadness
Hope

Asking for God
Asking for God
But I don’t know how
Asking for God

Something is happening
Grandmother spirit hands the fetus to God
God picks it up and I become the fetus
I am held by God
God is enormous
Enormous and full of love
God loves the fetus and the fetus cries

What’s that I hear?
The fetus wants to be reborn.
Sadness
Hope

God holds the fetus in the palm of his hand and
gently washes it through the current of a river
cleansing the dark charcoal crust and
washing the burdens of rejection away.
And from deep within the lost layers of burdens emerges a glowing heart
that God holds in the palm of his hands

God passes this heart through his body and gives birth to a star

The star shines of many changing colors
God places the shinning star within my heart.

Hope.

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