‘Me, Too’: Sharing Stories of Survival After Rape, Other Sex Abuse

“Me, too” was once something people whispered to other survivors, often in the context of a support group or a friend’s revelation of rape. In the wake of allegations against producer Harvey Weinsten, #metoo became a widespread social media movement.

Alyssa Milano was credited with posting the first #metoo status. Within 24 hours of her post, the tag had been posted 54 million times. Though Milano was credited with founding the #metoo movement, and other white celebrities with lending their voices and support to its rapid spread, this movement is in fact long-standing: black anti-violence activist Tarana Burke created the movement more than 10 years ago. Burke, the founder of Just Be Inc., has dedicated her life to helping sexual violence survivors and has shared in interviews that she first realized the power of “me, too” when counseling a child about the sexual abuse she had experienced. Ten years after that first conversation, in 2007, she started a “me, too” movement and has encouraged women to destigmatize abuse by sharing their stories ever since.

The prevalence of the #metoo hashtag has brought to light what was once invisible. People have learned their parents, their children, their best friends, or their grandparents survived abuse. The hashtag has also made very visible the abuse many survivors face when they come forward. Many survivors have received comments that are threatening, demeaning, or that blame them for their abuse.

So what’s behind this movement, and how does sexual violence affect society?

Terminology Basics

Media stories about sexual abuse tend to use terms interchangeably, or lump all forms of sexual abuse together. This can make it difficult to understand studies of sexual violence or talk about sexual violence in a way that accurately captures the survivor’s experience. State and federal laws vary and evolve with time. So too do medical guides and study terminology. This means one study’s definition of sexual assault might be quite different from another’s.

In general, and for the purposes of this article, here’s what various terms mean:

• Sexual assault is a broad term for physical forms of sexual abuse. It includes not only rape, but also actions such as grabbing a person without their consent or kissing them against their will.
• Sexual abuse is an equally broad term that applies to all forms of sexual violence. Many studies use it only to refer to childhood sexual abuse.
• Rape is any forced sexual contact with a person, whether or not this contact includes intercourse. Some rape survivors might feel their rape “counts” only if it included intercourse. This can make it difficult for survivors of other forms of rape to discuss their feelings.
• Sexual harassment is any form of sexual abuse that includes verbal harassment, unwanted gestures, or the creation of a hostile environment. An employer who repeatedly makes unwanted sexual advances is engaged in sexual harassment. People often use this term to refer to workplace sexual harassment, but sexual harassment can happen anywhere.
• Street harassment is a form of sexual harassment by strangers. It includes a wide range of behaviors, from catcalling to attempts to grab a person.

Everyone Knows a Survivor

If you didn’t see a #metoo status on your social media feed, you might think you don’t know a survivor of sexual abuse. But statistically, everyone likely knows at least one survivor. Survivors are often reluctant to come forward and might not reveal their experiences, even to an anonymous surveyor. Studies consistently find between 10-30% of women have been sexually assaulted, and many more have faced sexual harassment. Women are not the only people affected by sexual assault, as it can happen to anyone. In all cases, male perpetrators outnumber those of other genders.

Consider the following statistics:

• In 2012, the British website Mumsnet polled more than 1,600 women about their experiences of sexual violence. Twenty-seven percent had been raped. Fifty-two percent had been sexually assaulted. Of those who had been raped or sexually assaulted, 23% had been victimized four or more times.
• Eighty-three percent of Mumsnet survey participants did not tell the police about their assault. Twenty-nine percent told no one at all.
• A 2004 study found that 22% of women and 3.8% of men reported being sexually assaulted in adulthood.
• The 1998 National Violence Against Women Survey found that 17% of women (1 in 6) and 3% of men face an attempted or completed rape during their lives.
• The 2000 Sexual Victimization of College Women study found that 1.1% of college women had been raped in the previous nine months. An additional 1.7% had faced an attempted rape in the same time frame.
• In two online surveys conducted in 2007 and 2008 by the website Stop Street Harassment, 99% of women reported experiencing street harassment at least once, and 65% said they were harassed at least monthly.

(While we recognize sexual assault can happen to those who are nonbinary, gender fluid, or have another gender identity, available statistics focus on the experience of those with a gender identity of male or female and do not encompass the experience of those who are not male or female. Neither do all studies encompass the experience of transgender people. Most estimates suggest, however, that rates of sexual abuse among nonbinary people are higher than in the general population.)

Why Survivors Delay Coming Forward

Many observers of #metoo were shocked to learn that someone they love had experienced abuse they never discussed. Some wondered why survivors waited so long to come forward.

Surviving sexual assault can be an isolating experience, particularly since many people don’t talk about their victimization. Survivors may feel like no one they know will understand. So when one person comes forward, it may inspire another to do so. When numerous people come forward, it can feel safer to reveal a history of abuse.

Surviving sexual assault can be an isolating experience, particularly since many people don’t talk about their victimization. Survivors may feel like no one they know will understand. So when one person comes forward, it may inspire another to do so. When numerous people come forward, it can feel safer to reveal a history of abuse.

There’s little data available on how long survivors wait to come forward. High-profile cases demonstrate, however, that some survivors silently carry their pain for decades. Anthony Rapp, the man who accused Kevin Spacey of sexually harassing him when he was 14, said the incident happened in 1985. Sixty women have now accused Bill Cosby of rape and sexual violence, and some of these accusations date back to the 1960s.

Surveys suggest some survivors never tell anyone about their abuse and/or delay coming forward because they think no one will believe them. A brief review of comments on articles about sexual abuse suggests one reason survivors don’t go public: they face a massive backlash. They may be vilified and threatened, particularly if they accuse a high-profile person. Often, people simply don’t believe them, insisting they must have some ulterior motive. This is in spite of overwhelming evidence that survivors who do come forward do so at great personal expense.

Some other factors that may play a role include the following:

• Many people continue to view sexual violence as something survivors cause. They wore the wrong clothing, walked in the wrong neighborhood, or didn’t fight back enough. Survivors may choose to keep silent because they do not want to be blamed or seen as weak as a result of victim blaming.
• Survivors may keep quiet because they don’t want their parents, children, or friends to be upset about what happened to them.
• Some survivors may feel the penalty for rape is too harsh or that they are partially to blame. They may sympathize with the perpetrator or believe they are sorry and avoid coming forward to keep from causing the perpetrator harm.
• Some survivors don’t come forward because they wish to avoid being re-traumatized and simply want to move on. Coming forward means answering questions, fending off accusations, and being unable to control how people respond to the news. They may think that not sharing their experience will allow them to move on.

Sexual abuse is likely to be extraordinarily traumatic. According to the U.S. National Comorbidity Survey Report, 50% of sexual assault survivors develop posttraumatic stress—a rate higher than that associated with other traumas, including military combat. Facing the backlash associated with coming forward can be profoundly damaging in general, but even more so when a person has PTSD.

How #MeToo Can Help Survivors Talk About Their Experiences

Surviving sexual assault can be an isolating experience, particularly since many people don’t talk about their victimization. Survivors may feel like no one they know will understand. So when one person comes forward, it may inspire another to do so. When numerous people come forward, it can feel safer to reveal a history of abuse.

This doesn’t mean #metoo protects survivors from backlash and abuse. But when they see all survivors are getting the same backlash and abuse, they may find it less personal and thus, less frightening.

The #metoo phenomenon might also explain why the flood of accusers against high-profile individuals began as a trickle. The more people came forward, the safer it may have felt to join them.

Talking About Sexual Abuse Productively

One of the simplest ways to support survivors of sexual assault and abuse is to always assume a survivor is present during discussions of sexual abuse. Consider how a survivor might feel about the discussion and then try the following:

• Avoid blaming victims of sexual assault by questioning what they could have done to avoid the assault.
• Sympathize with survivors, not perpetrators. Don’t talk about how an allegation will “ruin” a perpetrator. Discuss how it might affect the victim.
• Don’t stigmatize sexual abuse survivors by insisting that they are lying or must be seeking money.
• Correct people who perpetuate myths about sexual violence, such as that victims ask for it or lie about abuse. Rape is an underreported crime, and there is no evidence that people lie about it more frequently than they lie about other crimes.

How to Support Survivors

If someone you know is a survivor, you can offer support in many ways. One of the most important is to believe them. Don’t interrogate them about their experience, demand they explain things you don’t understand, or otherwise put them on the defensive. Remember that talking about the experience can be traumatic, and a survivor might not wish to reveal details, or even discuss the experience at all.

Consider asking the survivor what they need, since every survivor is different. Some places to start include:

• Offering support in the immediate aftermath of an assault. Offer to go to the emergency room with a rape survivor, help them find counseling, or go with them to the police.
• Use the terminology the survivor is comfortable with. Don’t force them to call something rape, even if it is. Don’t demand someone who feels like a victim use the term survivor.
• Support the individual’s efforts to regain control. Sexual abuse is a significant loss of control. Trying to force the survivor to do something—including report the crime—can be harmful.
• Help the survivor find ways to feel safe. If they’re fearful at night, ask if you can stay with them, call to check on them, or do something else to help them regain a sense of safety.
• Listen when the survivor wants to talk. Ask follow-up questions that show you are listening but avoid demanding details. Make sure to focus on the survivor, not your own feelings about the assault. If you are yourself a survivor, consider how your own history might color your reactions.
• Know that it can take years to recover. Don’t pressure a survivor to “move on.” Instead, encourage them to seek help.

Where to Find Help

Survivors can and do recover. It’s possible to lead a fulfilling and happy life, even after a highly traumatic assault. Survivors should not feel pressured to recover immediately, but they should also know the right help can make life more manageable.

Both survivors and those who love them may need assistance. So if someone you care about has been victimized, survivor resources can help you manage your own feelings while helping you assist your loved one. Some places to find help include:

• RAINN’s 24/7 confidential online support chat.
• The National Sexual Assault Hotline at 1-800-656-HOPE.
• Visit or call a local rape crisis center. These rich resources offer hotlines, counseling, access to community resources, help with medical and legal concerns, and more.
• Contact the National Center for Victims of Crime. They offer support and community resources.
• For thoughts of suicide or self-harm, contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255.
• Seek counseling from a therapist who specializes in trauma, sexual violence, or PTSD.

References:

1. Bill Cosby’s accusers now number 60. Here’s who they are. (2016, August). Retrieved from https://www.washingtonpost.com/graphics/lifestyle/cosby-women-accusers
2. Chivers-Wilson, K. A. (2006). Sexual assault and posttraumatic stress disorder: A review of the biological, psychological and sociological factors and treatments. McGill Journal of Medicine, 9(2).
3. Garcia, S. E. (2017, October 20). The woman who created #metoo long before hashtags. Retrieved from https://www.nytimes.com/2017/10/20/us/me-too-movement-tarana-burke.html
4. Elliott, D. M., Mok, D. S., & Briere, J. (2004). Adult sexual assault: Prevalence, symptomatology, and sex differences in the general population. Journal of Traumatic Stress, 17(3), 203-211. doi:10.1023/b:jots.0000029263.11104.23
5. Melas, C. (2017, November 2). ‘House of Cards’ employees allege sexual harassment, assault by Kevin Spacey. Retrieved from http://money.cnn.com/2017/11/02/media/house-of-cards-kevin-spacey-harassment/index.html
6. Responding to transgender victims of sexual assault. (n.d.). Retrieved from https://www.ovc.gov/pubs/forge/sexual_numbers.html
7. Statistics. (n.d.). Retrieved from http://www.stopstreetharassment.org/resources/statistics/sshstudies
8. Victims and perpetrators. (2010, October 26). Retrieved from https://www.nij.gov/topics/crime/rape-sexual-violence/Pages/victims-perpetrators.aspx#note3
9. ‘We Believe You’ campaign: Mumsnet survey on rape and sexual assault. (n.d.). Retrieved from https://www.mumsnet.com/campaigns/we-believe-you-campaign-survey-on-rape-and-sexual-assault

The preceding article was solely written by the author named above. Any views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the preceding article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment below.