Our Relationship Has Hit a Wall; How Do I Get My Needs Met?

I am a 41-year-old lesbian who came out later in life. While I was married, I met a woman and fell in love. After 16 years of marriage to a man, I divorced and decided to explore my relationship with this woman. After four years together, we have hit a wall. We still live in separate places, she is not happy with her career, and her parents live nine hours away and constantly need assistance with living their lives. Her father had a heart attack and was in a coma with brain damage four years ago, and her mom has had two hip surgeries and reconstructive foot surgery all in the past year! They live all alone in a remote area, and my girlfriend feels like she is responsible for caring for them. Obviously, this has affected our relationship. I love her very much, but it just doesn't seem like we can take that next step in our relationship due to everything that is going on. How do I support my girlfriend, preserve our relationship, and still not lose sight of what I want and need? —Sad and Dissatisfied
Dear Sad and Dissatisfied,

It sounds like you are in a very frustrating, even painful, place in your relationship right now. While all relationships go through ebbs and flows with one partner’s needs taking up more space than the other’s at certain points, it sounds like your girlfriend’s role as caretaker to aging parents has been a significant factor throughout most, or even all, of your relationship.

I find myself feeling curious about if/how you and your girlfriend are communicating about the relationship—where it is currently, where it is going, what you each want from it, and how to not lose sight of the relationship despite other very real and stressful factors. Does your girlfriend know how you are feeling or are you keeping it to yourself and trying to be supportive of her needs? A happy, healthy relationship requires not only being supportive of your partner’s needs but also being able to state your own needs.

A happy, healthy relationship requires not only being supportive of your partner’s needs but also being able to state your own needs.

If you have had conversations with your partner about your needs and wants in the relationship and still don’t feel like they are being addressed, it might be time to think about seeking some couples therapy. Sometimes couples find themselves having the same conversations over and over again and never moving any closer to resolution. When this is the case, it can be tremendously helpful to have the support of a therapist to help move the conversation forward.

If you have not expressed your feelings about the relationship and your unmet needs, it sounds like it is time to do so. Sharing yourself in this way might really deepen the intimacy in your relationship. It might lead to other conversations that will draw you closer together. If raising your needs does lead to some degree of conflict, the process of working through it could ultimately foster a deeper connection.

I hope you will give yourself permission to state your needs in the relationship. Whether it is for the first time or whether it means saying, “Look, we haven’t been able to resolve this on our own, so let’s have a therapist partner with us to figure this out,” you deserve to be heard and valued in the relationship, too.

Best wishes,

Sarah