My Girlfriend Hid Her Depression; Now I Don’t Feel Safe!

My girlfriend was diagnosed with depression a few weeks ago, but she didn't tell me. I don't know how I should feel about this. We have been together for a year and things took a weird turn a couple of months ago when she started brooding more, being irritable, crying at odd times, sleeping our weekends away, and not wanting to go anywhere or do anything. She seemed to "check out" sometimes. I thought she was just tired because she was working a lot, but apparently that was the depression setting in, according to her doctor. She never even told me she was going to the doctor, let alone that she was diagnosed with something. I am pissed. I also find myself questioning how I might have contributed to her depression. Did I make her unhappy? I asked her that and she said it wasn't any one thing, but she didn't outright deny being unhappy in the relationship. I have been a good boyfriend to her; what does she have to be upset about? When she kept her depression diagnosis secret for three weeks, I was so mad I almost moved out. I have a right to be upset, right? She should have told me, right? I have a right to know if the person I'm living with has a mental illness, right? Hiding mental illness from a partner just seems wrong, like a betrayal. I don't feel safe with her now, so I don't know what to do. Help, please. —Befuddled Boyfriend
Dear Befuddled Boyfriend,

Depression can be scary sounding, and exaggerated or altogether inaccurate media portrayals of people with depression often don’t help. I hear that you feel sad, angry, frightened, and even betrayed by your girlfriend, and that you don’t know where to turn or what to do next.

Sadly, mental health issues—including depression—are often misunderstood, feared, and stigmatized because people know little about them. The cure for this is a better-educated public. Let’s look together at what it means to be depressed, shall we?

First off, depression is quite common. According to the World Health Organization (WHO), depression affects more than 350 million people of all ages globally, and it’s more common among women than men. There are different kinds of depression, too. Most of us have times when we feel sad, “blue,” or unworthy—this kind of depression is pretty common, and we all experience it for relatively brief periods of time. There is postpartum depression, which women experience sometimes after childbirth. There is chronic mild to moderate depression, also known as dysthymia, which can be indefinite. Another kind of depression is clinical depression, which the Mayo Clinic defines as a mood issue that causes a persistent feeling of sadness and loss of interest. Also called major depression, this is a more severe form of depression than dysthymia and affects how you feel, think, and behave.

Generally speaking, depression responds best to talk therapy or a combination of talk therapy and medication. The takeaway is that depression is very treatable.

You write, “I have been a good boyfriend to her; what does she have to be upset about?” When you ask if you made your girlfriend unhappy, I wonder if you worry that you caused her to feel depressed. It’s possible that unhappiness in the relationship is a contributing factor to your girlfriend’s depression, but if it is, it’s more than likely one of several factors, factors that almost certainly have nothing to do with you. Even your girlfriend might not know why she’s depressed. That’s normal. Maybe you feel that you can and should make her happy, that being with you should prevent her from being depressed. That’s very romantic and idealistic, but that’s not how these things usually work. You may indeed make her very happy at times, but depression is about a general mood that has to do with the individual’s inner and even unconscious feelings about many things, not always specific to the present.

You are angry that she started seeing a doctor and was in treatment for three weeks before she told you. Although I hear your desire for more openness, I encourage you not to draw negative conclusions from this. Maybe she just needed time to think on her own and to digest the news. It must be said that it seems unlikely that your reaction to all of this made her feel like telling you was a good idea. If you truly care about her, she needs your support now.

She had the courage and good sense to recognize that she needed help and to get it. With depression, that’s a feat unto itself. Not everyone is able to do that.

All of the symptoms you mention, symptoms she showed starting a couple of months ago, are consistent with depression. She had the courage and good sense to recognize that she needed help and to get it. With depression, that’s a feat unto itself. Not everyone is able to do that.

Finally, I’m not entirely sure why you don’t feel safe. I wonder what is making you feel that way. Are you afraid that your girlfriend will harm you? How might she hurt you? Depression is not linked with violent behavior toward others, no matter what you might have read about events in the news or saw on television.

It sounds almost as if your girlfriend’s depression is a deal-breaker for you. Does it have to be? Perhaps you would feel reassured if you visited her doctor with her—if she wanted you there, that is—or if you saw a couples therapist who could help you understand what depression means and how it may affect your relationship. Or you could meet privately with a counselor and learn more that way.

Thanks for being daring enough to write about your fears and your feelings. This wasn’t an easy letter for you to write, I suspect, and you showed courage when you asked your questions. I wish you and your girlfriend greater understanding of yourselves and of each other, and good luck for happy lives.

Take care,
Lynn