If My Wife Won’t Lose Weight, Am I Justified in Leaving Her?
Dear Size Matters,
I really appreciate the authenticity with which you present your situation. The guilt you are feeling for writing in—and even for having the thoughts feelings you have—is palpable.
It is clear how much you love and care for your wife. You express concern about her physical and mental health and feel fearful that she will not survive long enough to grow old with you. This suggests that you want her to be around to grow old with and you know she needs to be healthier, both physically and emotionally, in order for that to happen. That said, you can’t control your wife’s choices and behaviors; you can only control your own choices and behaviors. In that vein, I think it could be helpful for you to consider engaging in your own therapy. You are dealing with fear, shame, guilt, and anxiety about the uncertainty of your marriage. This is a lot to carry around. Therapy can provide a safe place and a strong therapeutic relationship to support you as you sort through these issues.
From your description, it does sound entirely possible that your wife could be depressed. She may also benefit from therapy. Again, you can’t control whether she goes to therapy, but you can encourage her to consider it and ask her to do it. If you do decide to enter therapy and you share the benefits of your therapeutic experience with her, she might feel the inspiration and motivation to get started herself. If she doesn’t feel ready for her own individual therapy, maybe she would be willing to go to couples therapy with you or even just come to some sessions with you and your therapist.
Of course, it’s possible your wife won’t change, or even attempt to. It’s understandable that, if this plays out, you may consider walking away from the marriage. It’s also understandable if you decide to stay, in spite of your concerns, because of how you feel about your wife. There’s not really a wrong answer here.
I guess the bottom line is this: You both seem to be hurting, and it seems to be damaging your marriage, but there also seems to be a lot of love here. If you can each make a commitment to working through this to get to a healthier place, you’ll be off to pretty strong start.
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DreAugust 8th, 2014 at 11:40 AM
Please don’t leave her over this. Would you want her to do that to you if you were in the same position?
LlandruSeptember 27th, 2014 at 5:44 AM
PhilNovember 24th, 2014 at 10:01 AM
Im betting if I stopped having an income my overweight wife would lose weight an find someone else.
BrianDecember 18th, 2014 at 9:02 PM
EugeneJanuary 10th, 2017 at 10:50 AM
I’m sort of in the same boat. I’m engaged, and my wife is chubby. Not obese, but chubby. Thing is I’m very in shape, 29, making 6 figures and very successful. She spent 5 years in an ED clinic and so missed out on acquiring her education and so she works as a flight attendant making a mere $30k a year.
The problem I have is I’ve done everything she has asked – from getting engaged to putting a deposit on a house that only I can really afford. I finally had the courage to bring up the weight thing and she shames me into “beautiful doesn’t have to be skinny legs and a slim gut.” Well, the way I see it, a first house doesn’t have to have the huge kitchen and all the amenities that she has demanded. Most men in my position likely have beautiful wives. I don’t want to be so successful only to be the butt of all my friends’ jokes. Most of my friends aren’t as successful as me yet have much more beautiful wives.
I mean, there definitely is reason to her chubbiness. Just the other day she brought over an icecream cake for my bday and she wolfed down like 3 or 4 slices. I just see that as needless excess. Why can’t she be expected to diet like an adult if I’m expected to purchase homes and get married like an adult (yes, she has used that one on me before too).
I’m just seeing a huge double standard with this marriage thing. Like women expect to have all their needs met but how dare a man call out the dietary and exercise habits of her woman. She calls me out for occasionally smoking pot since it is unhealthy. Well, you know where I am going with this.
At this point, I really just want to buy the house to myself and not sink my money on everything she wants for the rest of my life if she can’t provide me with what I need. I need my ego satisfied. I’m in shape, make good income, and think I deserve better. Originally I was always afraid to go after the women who had those qualities I was looking for. I saw potential in my fiance and thought she would be perfect if she just got an education and addressed what I thought was just a small issue. But, she can’t and her demands have only grown.
It’s probably completely my fault for not prioritizing these things before. I’m probably going to let her keep and sell the ring. But, that is way cheaper than the lifetime alimony I’d have to pay her in the event of a divorce.
2929January 25th, 2017 at 7:15 PM
I’m replying to Phil because there is no way to reply Eugene. Eugene, she’d shouldn’t be pressuring you to buy expensive houses. That said, don’t marry her. Maybe don’t marry anyone. I’m sorry to be a b**** but I am soooo about to be one. Screw your issues with her weight. It’s the least of the ailments that is killing your soul and preventing you from developing any depth of spirit or character. You judge yourself by the most shallow standards (how you look, how much money you make and what people think of your wife’s appearance) and it’s produced a most shallow person. Your life is going to be profoundly empty if you this perspective up.
wontsufferforothersMarch 6th, 2017 at 7:10 PM
This is for Eugene. I was in your shoes. Not as much money but I dated this girl who was chubby and knew that I had problems with it. She tried everything but talk about how to solve it. I do not want an overweight person, I am not attracted to it. I am a fit person, I go to the gym 3 times a week. I refuse to not be happy in this one life I have. None of my friends have chubby ladies. I cut it off….I’m happy now.
SalApril 29th, 2019 at 7:38 AM
110% spot on thats exactly what would happen, in other words if a man has a fat wife, he really is not man enough for her ( from the wifes perspective)
SummerFanJune 9th, 2019 at 6:15 AM
Having an overweight wife is now my problem as well. I feel like if I stay fit and watch my calories, why doesn’t she? Why is it always an insult to address a real issue that prevents me from being attracted to her? It’s a real issue. I’m not in the best financial situation, it would be a hardship for me to just leave, but I could do it. I think that if someone is able to take care for herself, and they CHOOSE not to, they are putting the marriage in danger. It might be more her fault that yours that the marriage is in danger.
OffthepinkSeptember 18th, 2016 at 7:11 PM
It doesn’t matter what he would want in the opposite situation. She WOULD leave him for getting fat. Equivalency has nothing to do with this situation. Stop trying to shame the dude into remaining unhappy.
jesDecember 11th, 2016 at 4:41 AM
women tend to stay with overweight husbands. you hear more about men leaving overweight wives. my sil in tiny and my brother is overweight, she chooses to stay
2929December 30th, 2016 at 2:51 PM
He shouldn’t be unhappy and neither should she. I’d rather not be in a relationship with someone who no longer wanted me. But I think it does matter that she wouldn’t leave him if the situation were reversed. It does feel like women’s love is less conditional on appearance and that really sucks because it leaves few options for heterosexual women looking for a true and lasting connection with a partner. It does matter and it sucks. Even I stay thin and gorgeous forever, I don’t want my marriage to be dependent on that. Course we don’t actually know how this woman would react if the situation were reversed.
2929December 30th, 2016 at 3:22 PM
Although to be fair, It sounds like he’s asking for her to make an attempt to be healthy not out of this world hot. If she was 160 when they got married, she was either just a bit chubby or totally in her weight range depending on her height but never the build of a Victoria secret model. So it sounds like he was happy with the build of an average woman and does have reasonable expectations. Maybe he’d be happy with her if she was simply making an effort. When you view someone as lazy and undisciplined that can affect your attraction level. If she doesn’t work and doesn’t exercise it could be really confusing and frustrating for him. His lack of attraction might be tied to the weight because its visible but it could be a combination of things. It Could even be hurtful that she’s not trying for him. A BF of mine and were planning a romantic night out (which rarely happened so I was excited) and I dressed in my best, sexiest dress, hair done, makeup done, trying so hard to impress him. When I asked when he was going to get ready (we lived together) cause we needed to go soon, it turned out he was. No shower, jeans and ratty shirt. I actually love scruffy, sort of grungy guys. A beard, pair of jeans and some old shirt is hot to me. But this was a special night and he had nice clothes in his closet that I’d seen him take out for plans with friends and family. I was really hurt that he didn’t make an effort to look good for me. I felt really taken for granted. Course the relationship was full of that but, yeah, it was one more thing. I wonder if he feels that way about her letting herself go? Like she doesn’t need to make the effort because it doesn’t much matter to her. Anyway, just wanted to add that cause I didn’t want to seem so one sided. I still think it sucks how shallow men can be.
PatJanuary 9th, 2017 at 1:54 AM
What happened to you vows, for better or worse, sickness and health? I’ve seen men and women, leave spouse when illness occurs. MS, Lupus, Cancer. If you’d leave for weight you’ll leave if spouse had long term illness. You shouldn’t be married. Much easies to discard. My strong 195 handsome husband got cancer. He lived for 19 years in chronic pain. Weighted 130 lbs, and aged sinificantlly. I was only 35. Our sex life was over, dining out was over. I never once thought of leaving him. I loved the man I married. I valued my vows.
He’s been gone 8 years, I miss him everyday.
If it’s only weight, go to counseling. According to medical experts our chemistry changes, so a complete blood work, and other tests are needed. No woman wants to be fat.
I think she should leave you. You won’t stick around if she became ill. Stay single, it’s easier to discard the person.
EugeneJanuary 10th, 2017 at 11:23 AM
Well the cancer in your case was out of the man’s control.
Being fat or in shape is totally in our control. It’s the constant demands my fiance places on me and the fact that my needs always come 2nd that have me reconsidering marriage with her.
2929January 25th, 2017 at 6:57 PM
Pat, first I’m so sorry for your loss. I know what’s it’s like to lose someone deeply important to you and someone you thought you’d be traveling the remainder of your life with. He wasn’t my husband but he was my partner for 6 years and my dearest friend for another 6 and was taken from me (all of us who loved him) suddenly. It was devastating. I’m so dearly sorry that you lost your husband. I was just thinking about the point you bring up about illness. For some reason I’ve become obsessed with this topic. Well actually I know the reason. I’ve put on a few. 3 years ago I was a size 2 and now . . . well I’m not. I put on all the weight while I was in very abusive, very destructive relationship. I’m out of it (thank God) and have started on the path of healthy living and weight loss. I’m even thinking of dating again. But I can’t help noticing I’m attracting far fewer men than I used to and not at all the sort of men I’m interested in (and no men, I’m not talking about looks). So I guess I’ve been compelled to read up on how men really feel about weight. You bring up something I was pondering the other day after reading a particularly cruel and insensitive blog (not this post), along with all of it’s comments. All these men talking about how they just don’t love their wives anymore because they are overweight. I thought about my client who is fading away due to Alzheimer’s. He’s been ill for about 8 years and diagnosed for 6. He is pretty much totally dependent for everything: nourishment, hygiene and toileting. When I and his other healthcare provider aren’t working with him, his wife, does all this for him. She changes him, feeds him, diapers him, wipes his bottom, cleans up his vomit, gets spit on, hit and occasionally peed on. She patiently tolerates his yelling bouts and or happy noises (which are equally as loud and stressful God bless him). I’m sorry to say it but I doubt these men who want to leave their wives for gaining weight have character to do what this woman is doing. In a million years she would not have left him if he’d gained weight. That’s not a reason to stop loving someone. Some might say illness can’t be helped like weight can. That’s not always the case but even when it is I’m not sure it matters. Are you going to love your spouse sincerely when life happens, through thick and thin, for better or for worse? That’s love, that’s marriage. I wonder if it’s not so much a matter of these men not loving their wives anymore but more a matter whether they ever truly loved them at all? Maybe they should have changed their vows from “Do you promise to love, honor, cherish and protect her, forsaking all others and holding only to her forevermore?” to say something more like “If this woman who you find hot today promises to stay tight as long as humanly possible and then obtain plastic surgery when it is no longer naturally feasible (because after all even if she stays thin, she’s getting old), do you in turn promise not to leave her for a younger, thinner woman?” At least then it’s honest. I don’t know, somehow, I feel the answer would still be a resounding “maybe.” But this doesn’t have much to do with what this particular man wrote in this post. He wasn’t saying some of the horrible things I’ve read elsewhere. It’s all very disheartening.
DJanuary 23rd, 2018 at 2:17 PM
Pat, I am SO sorry for your loss. My husband is surrounded by gorgeous women where he works. He wants a brunette with a thin frame. I am a strawberry blonde with gray-green eyes, and am just over 200 lbs, but had all my blood work done, which showed that I am pretty healthy (fit and fat) but do need to lose about 50-60 lbs. Which I am willing to do for ME to live longer. I am SO heartbroken that nothing I do is ever good enough for my husband. All he can think about is the women he is surrounded by at work, and how much he wants them. He had an emotional affair with a married co-worker, to fat-shame me into losing weight, going on and on about her “smaller a–” and “thinner face” and how she was the “ideal woman” because she is a runner. ( I can’t run because of my body type, but am VERY into weight lifting) I take care of most of the housework, I do all the bills, all of the cooking, home maintenance( he doesn’t know how to even change a lightbulb, and is afraid of breaking a nail) all of the car upkeep, and I work. He is physically gorgeous, and before we were married I always wondered why he was single. Now I know. He’s an ***hole. (Just like our friend Mr. Eugene, of the horrible “trophy wife” comment posted earlier. BTW, Eugene, you need to set your poor fiancée free, before she makes the HUGE mistake of marrying an ***hole – like I did.) Your comment about how much you miss your husband was beautiful. That’s what I wanted with my husband. I would have NEVER left his side if he had cancer or Alzheimers or any other disease. Now he doesn’t want me because I don’t have dark hair and brown eyes and will never be a size 3.( The smallest I can be is a size 10 and that is with living on nothing but spinach and water.) Thank you for your comment. It put everything in perspective for me. I am filing for divorce. Life is too short to donate 20 years to an ***hole.
husbandAugust 21st, 2019 at 9:51 PM
My wife has gained over 40 pounds since we got married. I needed to hear what you posted here thank you
DianaMay 26th, 2017 at 11:25 PM
You are Married.. promised God for better or worse ….. Thru sick…. Did you forget …..she wouldn’t quit on you.
JayMay 26th, 2017 at 11:38 PM
I agree with the previous comment “You don’t love her”……, She deserves better
EdieAugust 8th, 2014 at 2:12 PM
Doesn’t for better or for worse mean something to you? You know that this is not who she is or wahat she probably wants to be but something has changed in her that has caused this weight gain and I think that if you are a devoted partner then you will wnat to try to help her figure this out.
ArthurSeptember 25th, 2014 at 5:57 PM
For better or for worse does not mean worse can be intentional!
DanJune 28th, 2016 at 5:20 AM
Excuses excuses !!!
catcatcatAugust 8th, 2014 at 6:13 PM
For those writing in to guilt the letter writer: just stop. “For better or for worse” has been romanticized into a cliche. The true meaning suggests that both partners make willing attempts to connect and engage with their spouses over time. If someone has more than doubled in size over 6 years, isn’t working, and won’t make the effort to care for themselves, it shows a disconnect. It is not up to the husband to care FOR her and sink into an uneven marriage. If the wife is depressed, then intervention is key, and this letter is part of the process. It does no good to shame someone for writing in, daring to be honest, and asking for advice from a mental health professional. While I do think ‘in sickness and health’ is a very considerable part of vows, there should be freedom to ask for reasonable, equal effort on the part of your spouse.
RunnerAugust 23rd, 2016 at 10:44 PM
I’m in a very similar situation and it’s great to hear a supportive comment rather than the “you loser, what did you may her in the first place for?!” comments. Thanks.
Personally, I wouldn’t consider leaving but am deeply worried about my wife’s health – a subject we have discussed yet has gone unheeded. I have even considered asking our GP to mention something. Thanks though :)
PatJanuary 9th, 2017 at 1:58 AM
Grow up. No one gains weight on purpose.
EugeneJanuary 10th, 2017 at 11:29 AM
People get fat because they get lazy and don’t do anything and eat too much. Basic biology.
SulayAugust 9th, 2014 at 8:48 AM
great answer Sarah, I just feel that in order for the marriage to work there needs to be a balance. Right now its centered around the wife, maybe the husband can start doing things for himself like excercising and modeling who he wants his wife to be from there she may follow. I believe at least well in my own culture the man is leader but the wife sets the tone in the house. Maybe the tone has been set to ‘not care’ , the battle is the weight and the depression. Not your wife. Leave the depression. He is focusing on her and not looking at himself.
BillAugust 9th, 2014 at 12:34 PM
Every relationship is different and what you are willing to accept is going to be different too. I think that this all probably goes deeper than just you are disappointed about the weight gain or it wouldn’t make that much of a difference to you. I think that the two of you could try to speak to a marriage counselor and see what he or she could help you come up with, because we are all going to have numerous varying opinions on here, none of which I think will be the exact answer that fits you and your needs.
dorianAugust 11th, 2014 at 5:06 PM
Have you ever tried losing weight yourself? It can be so disappointing time after time to think that you are doing everything right and to still fall short of success. Your wife could be going through something like this but may not have the energy to talk to you about it because she knows that you will only harp on the things that she is doing wrong and why she needs to change.
She probably knows that this is not a safe weight for her and that she needs to do something about it to protect her health but at the same time losing weight can be terribly difficult and what she needs more tha threats that you will leave her will be love.
DonnaAugust 12th, 2014 at 4:26 PM
I know that you want this to happen for your wife and for your whole family but until she wakes up and wants it for herself… well, there are just no easy answers here are there?
KaitlynAugust 15th, 2014 at 9:59 AM
Is it about that you really care about her or that you are embarassed about the way she looks now?
BettinaAugust 20th, 2014 at 3:09 PM
Please have your wife check out oa.org (Overeaters Anonymous)or fa.org (Food Addicts Anonymous) or check out any other treatment center for eating disorders.
oliveAugust 29th, 2014 at 12:55 PM
you can leave your wife for whatever reason you have, for anything you want to: anyone can leave a relationship for any reason at any time, even without giving a reason. whether it is wise or what you want, to leave your wife, is another question.
do you want to leave your wife?
iAugust 30th, 2014 at 4:41 PM
I understand what your saying my wife is the same way I’ve talked to her about this on numerous occasions to no resolve its as if she doesn’t care if im attracted to her i’ve spent thousands of dollars on diets and exercise equipment all stuff she wanted to do and yet she doesn’t use any of it or even try that’s why I’ve been seeing someone else and getting my stuff together to leave her so my advice to you is run and don’t look back i know it sounds cold but she doesn’t care about you or she wouldn’t have let this happend
ArthurSeptember 25th, 2014 at 5:53 PM
True! When a woman lets herself go to that point something fundamentally has changed. I see a woman letting her self go as cheating. She is cheating (robbing you) of the woman you married. See someone else get it together and go!
BellaApril 6th, 2015 at 12:10 AM
If you make her feel miserable of course she isn’t going to want to change “for you”.
My husband makes me feel unconditionally loved. He acts as though I can gain 300 lbs and he’d still love me.
So I have no reason to eat away my feelings.
With my first husband, I replaced happiness with food. He made me feel like shit. So I ate. The more I ate, the fatter I got. The fatter I got, the more resentful he became. The more resentful he became, the more I ate.
My husband now never brings up weight. Even when I KNOW I look (and/or smell) like shit, he acts like I’m the best damn thing that ever came his way.
And guess what? It makes me so happy, I sincerely enjoy just being around him. We actually make each other happy. It’s a wonderful cycle.
Him; “want to go out for Indian food?”
Me: “Sure. Sounds good.”
Him: “Can you wear that green dress with the lace?”
Me: “for Indian food?”
Him: “I like it on you.”
Me: “But my hair isn’t quite right, it’ll look off.”
Him: “I don’t care. Please?”
Later at the restaurant, dressed like a lady on her way to a tea party, I feel the need to be extra lady like and actually put a napkin in my lap and refuse that second offering of naan and NOT eat until my stomach is bursting because of the dress. ;) He’s a genius.
And we leave the leftovers, go for a walk (the entire time he slips in innuendos and grabs at me like we just started dating).
He’s a genius. And I have never been in better shape. He even makes working out fun…I used to be shy to sweat in front of him but then he had me convinced that he thought it was incredibly sexy that id get all gross and red-faced. So now I have fun exercising with him.
Tim W.June 15th, 2016 at 11:01 AM
You made a very specific point of responding to his request of wearing the green dress. How is that different from a husband asking his wife to be healthy? She would really need to want it for herself though.
LorenzoSeptember 7th, 2014 at 1:21 PM
I am in the same situation and I am just waiting for my 10yr old to get older then I am out.
ArthurSeptember 25th, 2014 at 5:50 PM
PatientApril 22nd, 2017 at 7:07 AM
EXACTLY! Once we’ve raised our child into a decent adult – If she doesn’t wake up, I’m soooo out of here. Overweight is not attractive AT ALL.
mikeOctober 1st, 2014 at 8:01 PM
Don’t listen to other women about this. They automatically assume you are shallow which you are not. Believe me. Like you should love her no matter how much she let’s herself go? “For better or worse” does not work when she let’s herself go due to laziness. If a woman cannot stop eating and refuses to exercise FOR YOU, then its obvious she does not care enough about staying with you. Unless it is some kind of medical condition, why doesn’t she care enough about the relationship to even try. Give her some time, let her know how you feel. If she refuses to change, move on.
KrisJanuary 3rd, 2015 at 6:18 AM
My situation is similar but the behavior is opposite. After 14 years my husband is now anorexic having lost 60 pounds to being a 140 pound 6-1 man. This has happened in the last 2 years. Every bone in his body shows and I can’t even look at him without cringing. This anorexic phase has come after an alcoholic phase(3 years) a lazy won’t get out the couch and very angry phase(about 2 years) and the gambling phase (maybe a year or two). I told him I hope he gets help but it won’t be because I demand it as I am tired of being his puppet and it’s time for me to think about my happiness instead of his misery. I just don’t know how to do that while still married because it’s a very lonely situation. We have an 8 year old son and he is a great dad.
I think the bottom line is that this is a fraudulent behavior and it nullifies the for better or for worse clause. If you have kids (I’m not sure if you do) this obviously throws a wretch into the situation. Good luck
JakeJanuary 26th, 2015 at 10:19 PM
As I read this its 5am and yet again I can’t sleep due to my morbidly obese wife’s snoring, burping, farting and creating such a dip in the bed that I can’t actually lie flat, there is also a smell because she refuses to shower sometimes because she doesn’t want to get wet & cold. My first wife cheated on me and I couldn’t live with that although she never actually grossed me out. When I first met wife no.2 she was huge and saw her as nothing more than a blob on my friend’s sofa but then the next time I bumped into her she had lost 70lbs & although could loose another 70lbs to be a healthy weight she was a happy, smiling, bubbly character who I was attracted to, we hit it off in a big way and married last year. Since then she has an amazing new job that brings our joint income to £90K but with the commute is zapping all her energy & the weight is back on leaving me who also works full time to tend to my two kids & do all the cooking, cleaning, washing & DIY. When she gets in from work she heads straight for junk food and binges untill the meal I prepared for her is re-warmed & when that is eaten practically demands dessert then lies on the sofa under a blanket watching tv till bed only to get up for more food and toilet while I scurry round her doing everything. She eats some sort of cake each day, 4 cream cakes this Sunday and always has sweets or chocolate in her hand bag and her car is littered with empty bottles and McDonald’s wrappers. A while ago she thought the answer was to buy a flat near work to save her a commute and thus be more energetic, I suggested that eating better and being more healty first may give that energy rather than spending all our extra money on another flat, she burst into tears and walked out for an hour or so, I’m now obviously nervous to bring it up again. To try to lead by example I bought myself a new roadbike just before xmas and due to holidays, kids, work & bad weather have only made it out once and she has the gaul to poke fun at me for this! Deep down I’m sure she knows she has a problem, she is in pain going up & down stairs or for walks & I just can’t see how this situation can improve.
I_Feel_your_painFebruary 1st, 2015 at 5:50 AM
To all you folks that are suffering with overweight (or underweight) spouses, I feel your pain. After 30 years of marriage, 2 kids and and watching my wife put on over 60 pounds, I have struggled with anger towards her for “letting herself go”, anger towards myself for being so angry, depression, for not being able to get her to lose weight and just frustration about the whole thing. I’ve finally come to realize two things. One, I can’t depend on my wife to make me happy. I need to make myself happy. To do that, I spend more time doing things I want to do. I’ve taken up rollerblading, and climbing. I do yoga a couple times a week and enjoy longs walks in the park (sometimes with her and sometimes not). I take ginseng for depression and find that as my mood improves, it increases the probability my wife will start doing similar things and find other things that make her happy which I hope will ultimately lead to her weight loss but if I can’t find ways to make myself happy, nobody else will do that for me (her or any new wife). Number two, we don’t get perfect in this world. We just don’t. There is not a perfect woman out there that is a size 4 that wants to have sex with me whenever I want to, where ever I want to, has a good income, is emotionally healthy, loves outdoor activities, is a strong christian, never gets depressed and just beams whenever I’m around. It would be nice if there was but that’s just not reality. Love yourself and find healthy ways to make yourself happy. Don’t be afraid to admit your faults. Go to a counselor. Take some medicine for depression but take responsibility for your happiness and find things to be thankful for despite your spouses size or whatever other burdens may be in your life. As a christian I would also say prayer and community is key but that’s just me. God bless us all. May our hurts be healed and our hearts be lifted. God speed.
BingJuly 21st, 2016 at 3:38 AM
i want to thank you guys for the comments. Sometimes it’s good to get crap off the chest and then hear some feedback too.
I’m happy for you in that you have found a great guy. It sounds like things are working for you. Your comment about not loving her unconditionally I’m not sure I agree with. I feel as though I have loved her unconditionally. I have dealt with a lot with her, and put up with a lot from her, including the weight issue. In a way I feel that my not judging her earlier about her weight, and telling myself her beauty goes beyond her physical weight, was actually a mistake. I think she interpreted my unconditional attitude towards her weight as “eat unconditionally,he will love me no matter what”. What I should have done a very, very long time ago is what James eluded to. I should have said I am NOT ok with your weight-please do something about it! Now it is actually too late I think to make that kind of comment. Further, if I did actually do that she would respond in an extremely negative way and I don’t need that. The comment about “thin being so vital…” It wasn’t an issue at first because she was thin. She had an extraordinary figure….when we met. No one has a crystal ball that views into the future to see what happens. Whether you are male or female, it still sucks when your partner goes through an unpleasant transformation and then does virtually nothing about it. Anyway, with respect to the intimacy and her weight, etc I am sort of over the barrel. I have built a life with her and that life includes a lot, and I am not willing to throw it all in the trash over something like her weight. It’s just extremely frustrating just the same. I think what I have finally come to is this: I still love her, that is not the issue. But I don’t have to love her figure. And sadly, I think she is well aware of that, yet she still doesn’t lose the weight.
GaryOctober 16th, 2019 at 11:56 AM
Dear brother, this was a helpful post to me.
bobFebruary 23rd, 2015 at 6:49 AM
you guys are sick leaving your wife because she gained weight..did you marry her because you loved her or how she looked…i thought so
Chicago JeffMarch 18th, 2015 at 6:10 AM
I do think it is justified to leave your wife at a point if she lets herself go. However, there are likely many issues/emotions that are not being discussed that are the true cause of the problem. Many of those issues she herself may not even be aware off.
EugeneJanuary 10th, 2017 at 11:34 AM
Oh please. My fiance would have never considered marriage with me if I had some menial job and income. Sorry to say but we all have tangible priorities in any relationship – it’s human nature.
I’m in shape, make 6 figures, and am still in my 20’s. I believe I deserve similar in a woman.
BradJuly 7th, 2018 at 9:53 AM
Eugene, I really hope you haven’t married this girl, you will probably never be happy with her. Cut the ties now and save yourself years of misery. If she is demanding and chunky now it only gets worse later. Trust me on this one, People show you exactly who they are during the dating process. If you ignore it, that mistake is yours to live with. People do not change, period. Their habits and desires continue throughout a lifetime, save a complete religious conversion. After 20 years of marriage with a wife that won’t change her habits, won’t exercise or lose any weight or even admit their is a weight problem I have decided to move on because she has completely disrespected of our marriage and disregarded my wishes continually. For over a decade Ive tried to get her to lose weight to no avail. I have never felt it is my role to ask her in the right way or lax her into it lovingly, doesn’t work. There are other issues as well, but as a man, the weight issue is the most obvious one .I am 48 years old, I do intense physical training 6 days a week, adhere to a strict diet and also own a successful jewelry business. I am not ordinary and consider average to be a curse, I mention these things because i believe you share similar traits. Find someone who is an achiever and ahead of the curve like yourself or life could be quite difficult with a mismatch spouse. Cheers Lad
KiloZMarch 14th, 2015 at 6:39 PM
Well, this is gonna sound kinda awful.. I had the same issue last July. My wife had put on about 20lbs. We had relocated and she did not find a job so she was going to be the “hot” housewife. Unfortunately, she discovered reality tv and kinda cut working out off. I was about 45lbs overweight at the time. I entered a program through my doctor and started losing weight ( 20 lbs first month and then around 6-7 per month after). During that same time period she actually put on weight. I was going a little nuts since she passed the realm of ‘pleasingly plump’ into ‘kinda hefty’ while I was busting my butt at the gym and eating like a boxer. I felt frustrated because there is no easy way to have this talk. It’s one of those things you could almost guarantee is going to result in resentment and hurt feelings. Then one day we were at the court house to deal with some of her name change issues when an older lady came up to her and rubbed her belly and asked her if this one was her first? She said yes.. And ran to the bathroom. She emerged a changes woman. She told me that, “WE ARE GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY AND THERE WOULD BE NO MORE EATING OUT, SWEETS, BEER AND TV WAS GONNA BE KEPT TO A MINIMUM!” She lost the 20lbs and put on quite a bit of muscle. She also found a job in her field. She tells her friends that presumptuous old women gave her the kick in the butt she needed to get off the couch get in shape and get a job. All I had to do was support this move and tell her she looked great.. Well that and give up beer.
PatientApril 22nd, 2017 at 7:14 AM
I cannot tell you how much I fantasize about this exact thing. My wife does look 4-5 months pregnant – she refuses to lose the “baby weight” from her pregnancy 14 years ago. I would LOVE for someone to ask her how far along she is. Thou, I’m not sure it would do much to change her behavior.
Spanx were a no-go too.
BellaApril 5th, 2015 at 11:56 PM
I gained 100 lbs while married to my ex husband.
If started out at 5’8″, 145 lbs, perfect pear-shape.
I had two kids with him. He barely helped with ANYTHING, ever. I worked full time and part time (60 hours a week total) and did all the cooking and cleaning. I got up all night long with the babies.
I was miserable. I pretended not to hate my life and tried really hard to pretend I didn’t hate my husband. But I did.
He abandoned us.
And guess what? Within a year I lost 105 lbs. 80 due to actually getting sleep (not being around his selfish ass actually was better than coming home to somebody who wasn’t overtly cruel and dismissive, yet obviously unhappy and selfish/shallow) being able to cut out one job because ex hubby wasn’t around to buy shit for, and I actually started feeling more and more confident with each day his resentful ass wasn’t around. If he’d actually been supportive and helpful in the first place I wouldn’t have ever gained that much weight….
And I know that because I’ve been married to my second husband for 5 years now and have had another baby. I never gained more than necessary to give birth and went back to my pre-pregnancy size and shape (mostly anyways) within weeks.
Because my husband is great. Even when I was swollen and looking like a blown up beach ball, he treated me like I was the most beautiful woman on earth. I doubt he thought I was; the point is he ACTED like I was. Which made me act the part in turn.
It’s easy to take care of yourself when you have somebody who helps you. On days when I’ve been to busy to shower, he runs a bath, pours in the bubbles and grabs a fresh towel and takes the baby, then lays out some pajamas for me (usually something silky, I prefer cotton but he likes silk). Guess who gets laid rather consistently?
The guy who made it a family ritual to exercise for 25 minutes every morning and cooks 3 nights a week while mommy gets “alone time” away from the kids and house for several hours.
And yep. I’m the hottest of all his friends’ wives. Because he doesn’t guilt me when I buy things for myself (within reason). With my ex, I couldn’t even buy new underwear without him bitching about it.
My husband still buys me sexy lingerie even though we’ve been together half a decade.
Treat her like a queen that you’re proud of (even if you aren’t right now, at least not physically…I’m sure she has numerous other qualities you adore, right? Tap into those for now…why not?) and give her time to take care of herself, and she’ll likely become the gorgeous creature you married.
My ex? His new wife is slowly turning into a fat, miserable grease blob. She was sexy as hell when they first married too…
I’m telling you, the way your wife looks is probably a reflection of her marital satisfaction.
JoAnneJanuary 21st, 2017 at 10:24 PM
I really feel for all of you who are struggling with partners who refuse to make an effort to lose weight. I’m a woman who feels that all of us should look as good as possible for our partners, and be as fit as possible for the sake of our own health. I do think many men and women get complacent/comfortable, and as a result maintaining a healthy weight falls to the bottom of the priority list.
My situation is completely heartbreaking and frustrating for me, because I do need to lose about 40 pounds, and it’s not happening fast enough to suit my partner. So I have invested in a personal trainer and equipment in the hopes of expediting my weight loss – but just yesterday he told me that he is not attracted to me and that he wants to WANT the person who he loves. I feel panicked and afraid – and frustrated – because I am eating right and exercising every single day to regain my fitness and lose the weight. He says, “it’s been a year – you should have lost more by now.” I am pre-menopausal and was diagnosed with a debilitating lung disorder a year ago. I stopped taking steroidal medication because it exacerbated my weight issues. And even when it feels like my lungs are going to explode, I push myself EVERY SINGLE DAY to lose more weight and be the woman my partner fell in love with. He says that he feels shallow but that my weight “doesn’t work” for him, and that if I loved him I would have lost the weight by now. I think he is entitled to a partner who cares about her appearance (as I do), but I feel hurt that he is so angry over this when he knows how disciplined I am and how hard I’m striving.
I wish for contentment, peace, and happiness for all of us in 2017. I pray that I can lose weight more quickly and that my partner ends up wanting me again.
BarbJanuary 22nd, 2017 at 2:02 PM
I think you’re being WAY too hard on yourself, and so is your husband. I think he needs to get real about what post-menopausal woman looks like. He has no right to expect you to look like a 25-year old. People age – that’s life. What happens when you’re 65? If you’re trying your best, that should be enough. I’m sorry that he’s convinced you that he deserves better. It sounds like you deserve better. God bless.
2929January 25th, 2017 at 10:46 PM
JoAnne, I want to hug you and slap some sense into you at the exact same time. What has this man done to you or what has happened in your life that has convinced you that you deserve so little love?! Your husband see’s you making an effort; you’re struggling with a debilitating lung disorder (which I imagine makes cardio even more of a challenge) and he doesn’t want you because of 40lbs?! I understand wanting to feel desirable and sexy for as long as possible. I understand wanting to look good for your partner but that’s not the stuff of lasting love, as is clearly being demonstrating by your husbands terrible treatment of you. A husband who would rather see his wife suffering with a lung disorder then see her with 40 extra pounds on her body isn’t worth his weight in salt. I know it’s easy for me to say this because I’m not married to him and I’m not in love with him but that’s also why I can be objective. You are more than a person who is 40lbs overweight. Please try to remember that or learn it for the first time or whatever it is you need to do. If this was happening to your daughter or sister or best friend, what would you think of the guy who is putting her through this? If you saw a woman you really loved being so poorly loved by her husband, would you simply encourage to lose weight to win back his shallow affections? Or might you be wishing with all your heart that she discovers her value and refuses to go through life another a second with a man who doesn’t appreciate and love her? I’ll pray for you JoAnne.
YepFebruary 19th, 2017 at 12:37 AM
Just learn eat right, and get regular excersize and before you know it, all of these “I’m too fat” problems will disappear for you altogether.
It’s not rocket science! Only take in as many calories as you burn every day.
2929January 25th, 2017 at 10:26 PM
There is some truth to what you’re saying. During my healthiest relationship, I was very active and a bit underweight according to the charts. But thin as I was, I looked good cause what meat I did have was in all sexy spots. Plus I wasn’t trying to be underweight and I’ve never been a calorie counter so I think that was my healthy weight at the time. Now 6 months out of a 3 year hellhole of a relationship, I’m overweight and wondering how I could let that ass abuse me for so long. Wish me luck in my weight loss. Oh careful how you talk about other women, love. We need to support each other.
Been there…getting through itApril 10th, 2015 at 3:23 PM
I really feel sorry for you. In my life my wife had gained 70 pounds since we were married she went from 135 pounds to 205 pounds. I know it can be tough but you do need to hang in there and you do need to have a frank conversation with her. One night I laid there crying letting her know how my emotional needs were not being net, that because she did not see herself as being sexy enough or attractive enough for me. Yet she wanted to do nothing about it for so long. Fast-forward about eight months later she’s lost 45 pounds and wants to lose another 20. We’re having amazing sex almost every night we bought a vibrator, the magic wand it’s literally helping to save our marriage. She looks forward to sex now she’s bought lingerie for the first time in our marriage of almost 20 years, before it was always me buying something that she would never wear. I’ve been very patient and she is finally come around and all I can say is that it’s well worth it and both hitting age 40 now and we’re having the best sex and best times of our lives she feels more attractive she is confident and she actually looks amazing, her face and her body is thinner her butt exists, and her thighs now don’t look atrocious in yoga pants. Good luck brother
HjT3691August 2nd, 2017 at 4:21 PM
All the folks on here telling people they need to stay with their spouse no matter what have probably not been through some of the horrors that others have…also weight gain and depression will kill almost any relationship. Things change…sometimes the person you married disappears and there is no way for either of you to be happy together…hard facts of life.
We are all different, for me I need to feel a physical attraction to my partner…I can’t control that it is how I am wired since childhood..does that make me a bad person? My GF of 7 years has let herself go…she loves to eat junk and barely ever exercise..makes comments about being lazy as if it is a positive and sleep 10 hours a night. When we first me she was about 20lbs above what would be considered her perfect weight…I wasnt complaining, she had a nice figure and I’m not one of those guys that needs a Barbie doll…a woman with curves in the right places and a few extra pounds is sexy. Over the last 7 years she has put on about 40lbs which may not sound like too much but she carried it mostly in her belly and upper body not her legs, butt and hips so she has this giant belly as if she were 6 or 7 months pregnant and to be honest it disgusts me.
It not only disgusts me because of it’s apprearance but because she refuses to do anything about it and has made comments about how “looks” are not really important it’s the person that matters. Of course the person matters but I need to have a sexual attraction to my partner. I hate that she has no regard for how this affects me. But this also affects her because I have no desire to be physical with her she feels neglected which she and it’s a vicious circle.
I don’t profess to be perfect…I stay in pretty good shape and workout 4-5 times a week and try to eat healthy…although she like to bring all kinds of fattening snacks home.
We often talk about cutting out all the fattening unhealthy stuff but 2 days later she will sit on the couch and eat half the bag of chips…the big bag.
It just makes me feel like we are so very different that we no longer belong together…I’d rather be going for walks or playing tennis and eating healthy.
Please don’t get me wrong I love going out to dinner and having comfort food and beers but I like to keep in check and treat myself 1-2 times a week…she makes it more like the norm.
She is far too sensitive to talk about this so I don’t try but its killing me and our relationship.
My sex life now sucks and we are drifting apart because of it…
TimmApril 18th, 2015 at 6:57 AM
It is nice to know i am not alone.
My only advice is not to say anything. In today’s society it will only make things worse. I did say something, 12 years ago when she was about 20-25 lbs overweight. Instantly, in defiance, she gained weight and continued to gain weight and now she is 80-100 heavier. It has been a miserable 12 years with an unknown number to go. I know how to make it stop….but she wont help. I am just waiting for one of us to die.
She now has all the health problems that go with obesity, high blood pressure, arthritis, sleep apnea, incontinence, and depression. While I want my smoking hot wife back (dreamer) I would settle for a healthy wife that would listen instead of argue on reflex (dreamer).
I would really like to “rent” that old lady to rub my wife’s belly. It means nothing when I do it.
MikeApril 20th, 2015 at 3:37 PM
My wife steadily gained weight over time too, reaching close to 200lbs.
Two years ago she was on these pills that helped her drop her weight back to 130lbs which is what it was when we got married. These pills made lots of food taste nasty and she gave up going through drive-thrus and alcohol. She also drank water constantly. A year later she looked fantastic, she lost 70 lbs, but she was a little depressed because losing all that weight also made her breasts smaller. But she looked damn good!
Anyway, after she got off the pills she could not sustain the lost weight on her own for very long. She had some female complications and we chose to put her back on birth control pills, which then really made her balloon back up. She started the pills again, but the two pills cancelled each other out. Eventually she had to have some surgery for her female problem.
The good news was she didn’t have to take the birth control pills anymore, but the other pills by themselves didn’t seem to be doing anything for her like they did before so she stopped taking them. They were also expensive and we had other medical expenses.
Well it wasn’t too long after that she got back into her old habits and all the weight came back…and then some.
I know she has to be over 200lbs again because she no longer writes down her weight on her calendar.
She is overweight again and just like before I don’t find her physically attractive when she is fat. I’ve told her this many times over the years. She wants to have sex, but I cannot sustain myself because, well, I am not attracted to fat females. That probably sounds harsh, but it’s reality folks. Some guys like fat women, but I am not one of those guys.
I’ve tried talking to her about cutting back on alcohol and eating differently again, but she only does that for a short period of time then she’s back to her old habits.
Last night she made one of my favorite foods for dinner hoping that by making it would lead to something more. Well, when she told me that it was actually a turn off. Not only did I not eat the food she didn’t get any sex either. I didn’t eat it for two reasons. First, I am 10lbs away from being under 180lbs again, and secondly she told me why she cooked it. I’m not about to trade food for sex with my wife.
I’m actually embarassed to be seen with her because of her size. My friends and co-workers are surprised that I am with someone that big because they know how healthy and active I am.
My wife and I are honest with each other, but when it comes to her weight she gets defensive and says I have to love her no matter what size she is. I do love her, but I can’t pleasure her or please myself if I am not physically attracted to her.
KevinMay 12th, 2015 at 11:25 AM
well said Mike.
Why is talking about the weight of a woman so taboo?
I am in the same situation with my wife, if I dare talk to her about it, she gets angry and tells me that I don’t love her, it’s nothing to do with love,it’s just a bull excuse for staying fat.
I do love her but I love my parents/ children/ grandson and cat etc,doesn’t mean I will jump in to bed with them.
CandaceOctober 6th, 2015 at 2:06 PM
Women in general find it offensive for any man to talk about their weight. My husband just happens to be like the typical male and tells me he doesn’t want a “fat wife” and what I am now is not who he married 5 yrs ago. But I only gained like 15 lbs since. He talks like I’m 200 lbs! It’s annoying and the weight comments hurt even though I try to brush them off.
sarahJuly 19th, 2015 at 8:44 PM
Your comment is the only one i am willing to take the time to reply to. Partly because it hits so close to home.
You see i am the “fat wife” that many guys on this thread are talking about. I just had our 4th child 3 weeks ago and currently weight over 300 lbs. I googled this topic because at 5 months pregnant my husband sat me down and said things about how my weight made him angry and he is afraid that I won’t live long…same comments as most other men mention.
Why am I so big and won’t do anything about it.
Well for starters negative comments only make it worse. I already hate how my weight has put me in bondage and believe it or not i try EVERY SINGLE DAY to get it under control. I am successful about 50% of the time and unsuccessful 50%. What do I get. ..no change. So when I have tried really hard and then get a negative comment it just deflates me and I literally have NO energy to fight the exhausting battle. I give in to my comfort and eat.
Also I feel that every one in my life is fine with me putting EVERYONE else first. When I do that i have nothing left. I don’t even have time or energy to put on makeup. The best saying about loosing weight is “if you fail to plan, you plan to fail.” Planning and executing the plan takes more time and energy then you would think.
So..what could help?
First…a truck load of encouragement. Go to Walmart…get some rose colored glasses and put them on if that’s what it takes. Fake it til you make it. Do whatever you need to do to find a compliment to give me and give me all you got.
Make me feel loved, valued and treasured. Because quite frankly I am having a hard time loving myself right now which gives me little energy to fight for me.
Also. ..take a little something off my load. I am one person responsible for 6 people. Please. .help me make time for me
Lastly, fight for me and the marriage because God knows there are Many things about you that could use some work. You say things like “well that’s just the way I am” but don’t work to change it. If you can’t accept how i am right now then fight with all you have to help me.
These are the things I feel about the matter and I hope my open thoughts might help you in your situation. Thanks.
JaysonSeptember 29th, 2015 at 12:44 PM
Stop making excuses, you’re just lazy. EOD!
ChrisApril 26th, 2015 at 9:32 PM
My wife and I have been together for 30 years and our story is like many. When we married she was skinny and attractive and things were great in every area. Several years ago her doctor told her she has a hypo thyroid and one of the symptons was weight gain which I felt like she used as an excuse to eat whatever she wanted. She is taking medication for her thyroid but she refuses to eat healthy or to exrcise. I have tried talking to her about it and she get’s so angry she threatens me and tells me I’m a typical man and I only care about sex and skinny women. If a commercial comes on TV showing attractive women she stare’s me down and tells me I’m shallow. I’ve read several of these post and I feel the same way as most of these men. I love my wife, we have built a great life and I look forward to growing old with her. Right now I’m embarrassed to be seen with her and have sex grosses me out big time. I’m finding myself getting angry with the situation and I’ve thought about leaving her and telling he unless she losses at least 80 to 100 pounds I’m gone. I know this will hurt her but I’m so frustrated of living like this. Can someone please recommend what options I have?
CharlesSeptember 26th, 2015 at 11:39 AM
No chris… You’re not shallow and you’re not a typical man… You like what you like. Period… People often use years of marriage together as an excuse to grow complacent and stagnent…. Don’t fall for that… Your wife, deep down inside wishes she was still that same skinny girl you met long ago… She’s just depressed because of the thyroid issue… But you,, as someone who cares for her, should motivate her in the right way… I find working out together seems to benefit a lot of couples. It makes her feel like she’s not alone when you’re there with her, even if it’s just walking for 30 mins a day… It can take a little bit of time, but eventually she’ll get over what she’s feeling and be a happier person… I’m sure yo two have done a lot of things together over the years, working out together or walking is no different.
TiffanyJune 5th, 2016 at 6:07 PM
Thank you Charles. You’ve definitely got the right idea. I’ve been struggling with my husband over this recently. I am well aware that I am overweight. I moved to another state for my husband and family and left all my workout buddies, martial arts gym, beach, mountains, etc. to follow him for his work. I have a fulfilling job and I’m doing graduate school online but there are definitely times I feel overwhelmed and lonely and depressed that I’m so far from home and the one consistent workout buddy I had out here moved away. I had lost 20 lbs before we moved out here, and now I’ve gained it back after eating out of stress and boredom and not wanting to go outside much because it’s either too cold, or too hot, or dirt blowing in my face, lightning storms, etc.. I’ve told my husband that I need more support while I try to get the ball rolling but he just wants only me to make healthy choices and then he does whatever he wants for himself and our toddler. He’ll bring junk food and soda into the house and tell me that I need to just “resist the temptation.” He encourages us to eat out often. I have a hard time arguing with that because I’m working 50 hours a week and he’s currently unemployed and I’m exhausted when I get home from work and have to clean, do homework, get our son ready for bed, and prepare things for the next day while he plays cell phone games for hours. He makes fun of me for purchasing spaghetti squash, making zucchini noodles, buying almond milk, hummus, etc. because I’m just buying “froo-froo” food. He complains that I don’t cook, but then when I cook and it’s healthier food, he doesn’t want to eat it. If I ask him to go for a walk with me, he does like half a mile and then says he’s tired and wants to stop. This coming from someone who plans on starting Coast Guard boot camp in a couple months. Criticism and teasing has never been a motivator for me, however, supportive friendship is what has helped me make the most improvements in my life. I know he comes from the “pick yourself up by your bootstraps and suck it up” kind of mindset but I don’t need to be bullied into action. If he would just say, “hey honey, let’s go for a hike/walk/swim, or go to the gym” I would say “let’s go.” I just have a hard time getting started when I feel like I’m starting from scratch. The longer I’m away from the gym, the more anxiety I get about getting back into it but if there is someone that will be disappointed if I don’t show up, I show up. I’ve tried making friends with mommy groups but all those mommies are stay-at-home mommies and they want to work out at 11AM when I’m at work, and my other friends and coworkers I’ve made out here have been such flakey flakes. I know those are excuses but if my husband could just get on board with supporting me, instead of sabotaging me, I wouldn’t feel as alone. He is naturally skinny and he tells me if I want to lose weight to just be like him, only eat one meal a day. He has never even been chubby a single day in his life. He talks about how he wants to get buff all the time, but then takes no steps towards it. He doesn’t lift weights, he doesn’t eat enough calories to sustain muscle-building, doesn’t drink water, only eats junk. Hypocrite much? He expects me to take action towards a goal, when he’s been talking about getting buff with no action for 7 years. I at least try. I fall off the wagon, sure, but I get back on and keep trying. I am motivated when I have something to look forward to. I love being outdoors and hiking, swimming, surfing, jogging but I don’t like doing those things alone. Physical activity is just more fun with a buddy, not to mention safer if it’s an outdoor activity. I know there are some women that have completely given up on themselves and may never change, but if their bf/husband is unwilling to participate in health and wellness then their efforts will be not be as fruitful. Do chores together to get them done faster to have more time for physical activity, get creative with healthier meals and cook together so it’s not a blame game of who’s turn it is, plan an outdoorsy date that benefits you both, when you see her working out tell her how much you find her getting fit attractive, if you see her looking slimmer or more toned let her know you’ve noticed and like it, build her up and don’t ask her to do anything that you aren’t willing to do yourself. I can guarantee you, her inner voice is already telling herself what is wrong with her, that she’s fat, old, ugly, unworthy of your love, etc. and when she gets more negative feedback it basically just confirms what she’s already thinking and it feels like “what’s the point?” But if someone is willing to believe in her, she may question that lying voice in her head, and start to challenge what is dragging her down so she can be the woman that her man knows her to be.
JamesApril 30th, 2015 at 7:54 PM
I started long distance dating my ex-wife again after not seeing her for 25 years. Part of the reason the marriage failed the first time is because she gained 50 lbs. This time she must be 100 lbs overweight. She’s a quality woman and I thought I could work around it but I can’t. I simply don’t like fat chicks and have no interest in sleeping with one. I’d rather sleep alone.
I let a fat joke slip out, and now she’s not talking to me. It’s occurring to me she isn’t going to change, I really have no right to make her change, and my attitude isn’t going to change. She has this idea that’s it’s OK for her to be so fat as long as she’s nice to me. That I could find a skinny woman, but she would be a bitch, and I can’t have it both ways. I’m not going to be steamrolled with such a premise.
Rather than start something again that will only end badly, I think I’m going to call this experiment quits.
I’m 6′ and 175, so I’m not grossly obese.
“Size Matters”, are you sure you’re not an enabler allowing her a life of leisure and food? Her weight could be a symptom of deeper problems between yourselves. I suggest counseling together to faciliate communication to identify and resolve the underlying problem.
After you try that, it will be clear what to do.
CharlesSeptember 26th, 2015 at 11:30 AM
I hear you…and you’re no where near being obese james.. I’m also 6′ tall and I weight 170
Lbs… In my senior year of high school I weighed 145lbs…bean pole… I’m 42 now… So little over 20 years I’ve put on 25 pounds total… And most is muscle because of the military… I’m still lean…
My wife weighs 265lBs…we’ve been together for six years and married for three…when I met her she was 230…she dropped to 195 after working out, which she did on her own, but then she gained weight again after the pregnancy and was almost 290….but she’s dropping Weight again a a she’s now 265. But I encourage her and remind her to get her workout in…. I’ve never had to give her an ultimatum because she seems to know already what she needs to do… She’s not a self motivator which is why I remind her everyday to get her exercise in… For those having issues with the lazy ones on your lives…. It takes a hell of a lot of patience, and its a shame you have to threaten divorce just for them to get motivated but sometimes there is no alternative… The majority of people, especially Americans, are just plain lazy and don’t care to change…. Just like the Romans, unfortunately.
AshleyMay 4th, 2015 at 4:59 PM
When someone finds the solution to this please let me know!! My husband has gained so much weight and has recently started showering less frequently and brushing his teeth every other day rather than daily. He says it’s because he is depressed from a paycut at work. Now he’s been jobless for 6 months and lays on the couch all day eating and watching tv. I come home take care of our 2 year old, cook, do laundry, and go to the gym all to wake up at 5 am to do it all over again. I’ve tried everything from encouraging him to come to the gym with me to only cooking healthy meals. He refuses. He will go grab fast food when I cook a healthy meal. I feel like the man in the relationship paying all the bills and working my ass off to get my body back from having a baby. I even threatened to leave him. Nothing works!
JesseMay 11th, 2015 at 2:47 PM
Honesty is the key, it always hurts when you say your true inner feelings but sometimes they need to be heard. Sit your wife down and explain hpw you are feeling, give her a realistic time to loose weight (7-10lbs) month and if she doesn’t change you are leaving.
I’m a woman, with that being said I believe sexual attraction is important in a relationship as is communication. Even if it hurt me I would rather hear the raw truth in a respectful manner, have a day or two to digest it. Leaving her on the spot without talking to her is a little cruel but if she doesn’t make a change I don’t blame you.
TimmMay 12th, 2015 at 9:44 PM
I think the real reason that all the people posting here are upset is because they feel betrayed. I know I do. Everyone feels as if their spouse is disrespecting them by getting and staying fat. After all you DID say something. Why don’t they just listen. Just get off the damn couch. Just do it!
Both parties feel bad about the situation. There are 3 ways to “fix” this.
1. Provide the means to motivate your spouse and cross your fingers. ( you can lead them to a treadmill but you cant make them walk ) I think this is what causes the MOST frustration to both people.
2. Lower your expectations! People that don’t expect anything nice to happen are constantly surprised by the occasional victory. The lower you go, the better you will feel. I think this is the popular choice.
3. Leave and try again. If you don’t have the energy to try again…you might as well stay.
I’m not sure anything got “fixed”.
CharlotteSeptember 24th, 2018 at 7:55 PM
I am overweight with a partner who is constantly criticising and putting me down for my weight. I told him I hate a weight problem before I met him (online dating), I sent him pictures of myself including nudes, my height, my weight etc, he said I was perfect and he loved that I was active and health conscious which I actually am but I have struggled with my weight from childhood. He pursued me as I was, I felt beautiful and kept losing weight, I had 30lbs to go to my ideal weight. When I met him after 2 years of long distance talking he put me down instantly, put me on a starvation diet knowing my past with bulimia and anorexia and made me feel terrible. Guess what after 3 years together plus the 2 online dating I am now at my highest adult weight ever and pregnant. He says if I wanted him enough I would starve myself thin. His constant criticism makes it impossible to feel motivated. I know on my own or with a supportive partner I would have reached my goal weight by now and not regressed so much. I told him after he met me I could not be the person he wanted so to please go find someone else but he said he wanted me just not my weight. I have begged him to leave me and find someone else because mentally he has broken me down but he won’t leave me especially now with the baby coming even though he tells me he wishes I never got pregnant all under the guise of caring about my health. My advice go these men is please by all means please leave your wives and find happiness elsewhere so they can too. This man will never leave me but I will never be able to make him happy. I am getting my finances in order to leave the last month of my pregnancy. I will not allow my child to be raised in this environment. I understand motivation and checking in with a spouse and physical attraction but putting down someone and constantly threatening them will not work for some people it will make the situation worse. I read about a man giving his wife the ultimatum to lose 40lbs or get divorced. She lost 60lbs, had sex with him but asked him to only have a quickie because ashe didn’t want him pretending he was attracted to her. He finds her incredibly attractive now but she clinches every time he touches her, can’t have orgasms and although they have sex there is no intimacy which he craves and misses as she is almost cold to him. I can understand why. In my opinion this situation is a lose lose situation she will gain more weight or lose it and there is a 50/50 gamble you alienate her and lose her love and affection so just do yourselves both a favour and walk away if you feel this way and that’s for the women as well who experience the same with their husbands. I suppose it can work but that is the exception and not the rule.
TheDistanceJune 1st, 2015 at 9:46 AM
So, is this “for better or for worse” attitude also applicable when the man is a heroin addict? A womanizer? Physically and mentally abusive?
I know a lot of women stick with men who are all of those things, and I’ll never understand it. If what “love” tells you runs counter to what good sense tells you, then you’ve got a very defective idea of “love.”
Someone upset because their wife gained 20 lbs is a little piggish in my opinion. Someone upset because their wife gained 200? I think that’s rational, and is no different from being upset because she started cutting herself, doing hard drugs, binge drinking, or other self-destructive behavior. If she refused to get help, I’d leave her and have no qualms about it.
JeffJune 6th, 2015 at 2:20 PM
“So, is this “for better or for worse” attitude also applicable when the man is a heroin addict? A womanizer? Physically and mentally abusive?”
Uhh I would think that if said husband wasted years of his life and yours without any attempt to change, most women would probably hit the road.
How is getting morbidly obese any different?
abusedwomanJune 17th, 2015 at 9:12 AM
Help please with me to. My husband has put on almost 80 pounds, all in his belly. He didn’t brush his teeth so long that his teeth began falling out his mouth. many teeth. He washed only once a week for months and now only twice a week only after arguing with him about it. He drinks for 24 hours straight every Saturday. He smells up the house so bad. I got to do a deep house cleaning every week. When I try to talk to him about it nicely he yells over me, gets offended, leaves without saying he is leaving, while drunk and I never know when he will be back. Because of his unsanitary foul hygiene, I am force to disinfect the tub the rally before I get or I get infection. also, he is like this, and he is a full time mechanic working in heat all day. He insist on getting in the bed unwashed for days and then trying to hard me. His smells has woke me up several timesx many nights.
His belly is so hard and big, that we can’t have sex but the other way, so it disgust having someone foul that way.
I even got him a a membership to a gym with me, and began offering running his bath but he declined. I buy healthier food and he won’t eat it. He hides all kinds of junk food around the house and lies about it. He will say he hadn’t eaten all day, but there is plenty of junk food he is gobbling down the moment I leave the house. He smells so bad that I went to mail box after he got mail and the entire part he touched was completely foul. His handprint had a very foul odor. I have to constantly tell him wash hands, cause he uses bathroom without doing that and then touches his foul butt.
I’m living with a foul drunk abusive monster and there is no way else to say it. he is also I believe possibly a repressed homosexual and this is how he is dealing with it
There many many significant reasons to think so.
Such as the other day, he hit a guys butt at a party, and the guy looked at me and then him and said “I will call you when I need my car fixed”
It was said sweetly and it seems like a code. I know everyone but I do not know this guy and it was weird that we were not introduced.
The guy came alone, yet everyone has dates.
i and was not speaking to anyone woman, but seemed to speak to him. My husband bragged about how fine he was on camera to this guy. This is not normal behavior For straight men.
I once asked him if he was gay and hison fast went pale and he got very quiet, refused to speak.
He gives things to me he don’t know, ditches me to hang out with men he don’t known and says he doesn’t want to be bothered by a woman. and in 18 years never made on sexual move on me.
I plan to ask him, who that guy was at the party and see how he react. I’m going to tell him I would like to invite him and the guys lady over for dinner. I believe he us involved with the guy, the feeling was very strong and obvious.
he also handles all his calls outside of the house, which is strange.
There are many other signs. Even two straight guys felt compelled to make a comment about how close he kept getting in their faces…etc
I don’t know what to do, he is out of control.
billnessJuly 27th, 2015 at 5:54 PM
Wow, every excuse and blame-game in the book, besides “I’d rather sit/eat/watch crap TV than work out.”
reskJuly 27th, 2015 at 10:21 PM
I would leave that situation would be just to sad and life is short be with your match.
JimAugust 1st, 2015 at 11:04 PM
It’s very simple. Either a person has respect for their spouse (and their self) or once they feel there’s no need to look decent to attract a mate, they let them self go. This “new age” bull-crap of…”You should feel “hot” for your spouse no matter how they let their body fall apart is simply “pie-in-the-sky” bull. Unless somebody has a REAL medical problem, (IE thyroid gland or metabolism problem, which should already be noticeable) there’s simply NO EXCUSE for someone to get so fat that their partner wishes to screw someone else. If you want to eat crap, be lazy and get chubby, don’t be selfish by expecting your spouse to be sexually attracted to you. If the fat spouse refuses to change, (if there’s no kids evolved at the time)…. give a couple of warnings, then dump her / him if they continue on their path. Its no joy having sex with a fat azz…period!
PhilSeptember 2nd, 2015 at 2:03 PM
I’ve been married 36 years my wife was 133lbs on our wedding day and I love her as much today as I did then. However she now weighs around 210 and I am not sexually attracted to her any more. This has gradually got worse over the years and up to a point I could just ignore it as it didn’t bother me too much. I’ve tried talking to her about it but it’s like trying to feed a crocodile a chicken wing…. He’s gonna bite your whole arm off if your lucky!! I know she is depressed about it and so am I she has promised to go to counselling about it but never does and I think I need counselling too. 10 years ago I got really fit to try to inspire her to do the same to no effect. Then I let myself go and she just criticised me for my flabby belly I was about 10 lbs overweight. I tried pointing out the irony of this to her but she refuses to see it. So now I am working hard to get back in shape and am just a couple of pounds off my target. I’m doing this for me this time because I don’t think I can live like brother and sister even though I’m approaching 60. I can’t imagine living without her but the option of staying with her doesn’t seem much better either. I just want a way to ignite a bit of enthusiasm in her. I think she has stopped loving me and herself but can’t see a way out as she is totally financially reliant on me. I don’t know if there is a way to save our marriage but I know we need help
John G.December 15th, 2015 at 5:03 PM
I could have ritten your story. May I ask, where are you now?
KarenSeptember 4th, 2015 at 4:04 PM
I have bitten my tongue over this for ages, but I finally broke tonight and spoke to him about it. I am 29 years old. I have been married for 4 years and have two children. I put on weight with my second child, but have worked it off. I feel so cruel to say it to him, as I know love should be blind, but I am not. My husband has put on weight, his belly is huge and when he wears some clothes you can see his man boobs. He hardly showers or cleans his teeth, it makes me feel sick when he comes on to me at night. His teeth have started to go bad. It upsets me that he self neglects himself this way. He makes 0 effort for me and 0 effort for himself and it really turns me off him. He thinks it’s funny when his hair sticks up and looks bad, he shows me so I will laugh like it’s not the norm, but it looks like that all the time. I feel let down and bad because I miss having him as a lover. I hate that I have hurt him.
JamesSeptember 26th, 2015 at 3:20 PM
Hi Chris, Charles,
I’m down to 160. It was simple: eat less. I don’t finish my plate when eating transitions from pleasure to being a task. I did heavy yard work one day and skipped dinner. That lost 4 lbs, and it didn’t come back.
Working out isn’t enough. Have to change values, meaning convincing one’s self that food isn’t a goal, or that desirable. Eat less and cut sugars. Wonder if hypnotism therapy can do that.
TurnerOctober 1st, 2015 at 12:43 PM
I read an book that really gave me a lot of insight into how to deal with my wife gaining weight and how to help her (and me). The book is called “How to Get Your Wife To Lose Weight and Be Happy To Do It”. It’s on Amazon. Great read, lots of useful information.
MikeOctober 2nd, 2015 at 1:34 PM
Update since April 2015: My wife has been back on the pills for a few months and has dropped 25lbs as is about to break the 170lbs mark. She didn’t want to take the drastic measures she took last time to lose the weight and feels this time around isn’t affecting her body as much.
At the same time what is also working is what we’re eating. I’ve been following a lower carb higher protein way of eating (I don’t cut out all carbs, but mainly limit them especially at dinner time) and I have gotten her to eat almost the same way.
We have redone our family menu to the point where there is only one night a week with pasta and we’re both now eating with 4″ plates instead of large 8″ ones.
We also have been talking a lot more about what concerns each other, and resolving them.
We also hold ourselves accountable by writing down each day on the calendar our weights and if either of us have a “carb day” we indicate that on the calendar so that the other doesn’t hold it against the one who did it.
Now as we approach the winter months and holidays are coming up I know it’s going to be difficult passing up those sweet treats. But I am working hard on conditioning myself to avoid them and only enjoy them passively.
I hope to keep my weight off this winter and I know my wife wants to continue to lose weight too.
I’ll follow up again in January…..after the holidays! :)
Don’t be afraid to tell your spouse that you are unhappy with their weight. If you want things to change you have to speak up, create a plan, execute it, and hold yourself accountable to ensure it gets done!
CherylOctober 12th, 2015 at 6:59 PM
Hmm. My husband hates me because I didn’t lode weight like I said in my singles ad three years ago. Both parents died during last fee years, and suffering at a horrible job. He married me overweight anyway, but now feels I tricked him and I’ve gained weight instead of losing weight. He is not the most good looking man himself; he’s Asian from foreign country, no longer legal, which I didn’t understand until after we were married. He wears a denture,has bad breath, not to mention not well endowed. But, I married him because it felt like he was a decent man, and my parents really liked him. At 47, and never married with herpes (which I disclosed), I felt like why not? No one is perfect. His physical issues bothered me, but I was willing to overlook. Now, he can’t overlook mine. I don’t know.. Confused.. If I can overlook his inadequacy, which he can’t change, shouldn’t he overlook mine? I’ve shared my blessings with him, and at my job I covered him with my health insurance. He doesn’t care. He calls me dishonest, but I wonder about his loyalty. I think of my Dad, and what he would say when living: “Ah, take a walk”. That’s what I feel like saying.
BarbOctober 20th, 2015 at 1:55 PM
Jayson’s comment was unnecessarily mean. I am not 300 pounds, but I COMPLETELY understand how you feel so overwhelmed and discouraged. It is impossible for a mom of 4, with a new baby, to prioritize yourself. On top of that, a little effort makes almost no result, so you backslide. I would give yourself a break for the next 6 months, but try not to do too damage. Then, try Weight Watchers.
MaxineOctober 31st, 2015 at 3:02 AM
Omg these men are beyond horrible . I’m not overweight but if I were married to one of them I would eat myself into oblivion out of sheer misery
JJanuary 11th, 2016 at 3:00 PM
Obviously you’ve completed missed the point. It’s not that looks matter, it’s more of my wife doesn’t care about anything anymore and she won’t help herself. It has little to do with the fact that she is overweight in itself, it’s that she went from skinny to obese to an abrupt amount of time and will not do anything to help fix a marriage, relationship, or herself.
JackJuly 9th, 2018 at 8:38 PM
And what would you do if your husband was grotesquely over weight and refused to change?
MikeJuly 10th, 2018 at 11:12 AM
Maxine – I understand I truly do —- what if you married a man who was very successful in business and you went into the marriage with the expectation that this MAN you married is driven and successful and THAT is one of the features you loved about him – you felt secure knowing you family will forever be taken care of –
Maybe he is very fit and you love to hike – play tennis – run on the beach camp etc…. and he gains 100 pounds and can’t muster the energy to get off the couch and suffers from High blood pressure and Diabetes.. so he quits his high stress job and take a job at Walmart —- THIS is NOT the man you married —- barring medical induced weight gain – there is no reason to expect a person to be ok a complete 180 from the person they married — THAT is differnet – but simply letting yourself go is NOT Honoring your spouse or marriage – your are NOT cherishing them you are showing them you love them – they have dedicated their ENTIRE life to you — you should be putting forward your best effort as well
cbagNovember 24th, 2015 at 11:22 AM
Bella, your story is nice, but I do the same thing with my wife. Telling her how I think she’s so hot in a dress. She will fight it tooth and nail. I just reiterate. “Come on”. I don’t get the “ok.” I get angry wife picking a fight. Its really frustrating. It takes 2 to be in a happy marriage. You want to be in one. My wife does not. However, my wife will get all gussied up for church even though many women do not wear dresses there.
It makes me hate God.
Julie SJanuary 10th, 2016 at 3:16 PM
Wow. I cannot believe all the sexist, superficial BS I’m reading from these people here! The Sacrament & Holy Union of Marriage means NOTHING to a single one of you as you are so readily & easily willing to turn your back on the one person you pledged your life to before God, family & friends!
If you had NO intentions of following through with your commitment you had NO right to make such vows if your too weak minded to stick with it & follow through “Til Death Do Us Part”!.
Do you not remember those vows you took & promised one another? May I remind you:
for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part,
So may I ask all of you, DO YOU LOOK EXACTLY THE SAME AS YOU DID WHEN YOU 1ST MARRIED? IS THERE VERBAL/EMOTIONAL/SEXUAL/FINANCIAL ABUSE GOING ON IN YOUR HOUSEHOLD THAT YOUR WIFE (SPOUSE) IS HAVING TO DEAL WITH & IS UNABLE TO REACH OUTSIDE THE HOUSEHOLD FOR HELP AS THE ” WALLET” IS SEVERLY RESTRICTED & SHE HAS NO ACCESS TO FUNDS TO PAY FOR THERAPY? AND NO DOUBT IF THAT IS THE CASE HER ABUSER IS DEEP IN DENIAL, REFUSES TO SEE THE DAMAGE HE’S DOING & REFUSES TO CHANGE & ALSO REFUSES THERAPY! IF BY SOME SMALL CHANCE HE DOES GO HES SUCH A SKILLED MANIPULATOR HE TURNS THE TABLES ON HIS WIFE & MAKES HER FEEL MORE UNSTABLE & MAKES HER APPEAR THE PROBLEM SO HE CAN MAINTAIN HIS IMAGE OF “THE GOOD GUY”!
AND MAYBE THE WIFE HAS MULTIPLE CHRONIC COMORBID ILLNESSES & HAS BEEN SEEING MANY DOCTORS SINCE 2010 & THEY PUT HER ON HORRIBLE STEROIDS, WHICH BY THE WAY SHE SAID SHE COULD NOT TOLERATE, & THEY RANDOMLY EXPERIMENTED WITH MANY MEDS ” OFF LABEL 3 MONTHS AT A TIME, SOMETIMES 2 MEDS AT A TIME TRYING TO FIND A MED COMBINATION THAT WOULD WORK! A LOT OF THOSE MEDS CAUSED SERIOUS WEIGHT GAIN NO MATTER HOW HEALTHY A PERSON EATS OR TRIES TO EXERCISE! BUT WHEN YOU HAVE 5-6 CHRONIC PAIN DISEASE BEATING YOU DOWN ALL AT ONCE DUE TO AN OVERLOAD ACCUMULATION OF 33+ YEARS IN AN ABUSIVE MARRIAGE, ALL HELL BROKE LOOSE AT ONCE!!
THEN THE ICING ON THE CAKE! THE STEROIDS I WAS FORCED TO TAKE, 1ST ORALLY THEN INJECTIONS ALL THRU MY CERVICAL SPINE EACH SIDE, FROM 2012 TO 2015 ALMOST DAMAGED MY ADRENAL GLANDS COMPLETELY! MY CORTISOL LEVEL WAS ALMOST NON EXISTANT: 0.75 WHEN THE ACCEPTED LOW NORMAL IS 3.0!! NO WONDER I WAS RAPIDLY GAINING WEIGHT. THE STEROIDS & THE FACT THEY WERE SYSTEMATICALLY KILLING MY ADRENAL GLANDS! ALSO IT WAS PUTTING MY SODIUM & POTASSIUM AT DANGEROUSLY LOW LEVELS!
NONE OF THIS WAS MY FAULT! IM SICKER THAN HELL: 24/7/365! IM FRANTICALLY SEARCHING FOR DOCTORS TO HELP ME BECAUSE MY COMBINED MEDICAL ISSUES ARE SO COMPLEX! AND I CATCH MY HUSBAND IN THE MEANTIME TRYING TO SET UP A HOOKUP WITH HIS FORMER “HOT EX GF”! I SAW HIM TEXTING A FORMER FRIEND OF HIS & I READ IT LATER! IVE ALWAYS BEEN FAITHFUL! I DIDN’T DESERVE THAT & HE SAID HE DIDN’T FOLLOW THRU. I CANT TRUST HIM! SINCE THE NERVE BLOCKS WERE STOPPED THE PAIN IS UNBELIEVABLE AGAIN! IM 15# AWAY FROM MY GOAL NOW. BUT IM LOOSING IT FOR ” ME”! NOT THAT SELFISH SELF CENTERED HYPOCRITE SEXIST PIG!!
HE DARE BE ALL JUDGMENTAL OVER “ME” GAINING WEIGHT I REALLY HAD NO CONTROL OVER THE SITUATION.I WAS BEING FORCEFED ALL THIS ROTTEN MED, ALL THE WHILE BEING TOLD I HAD TO COOPERATE WITH THEIR TREATMENT PLAN OR THEY WOULDN’T TREAT ME WHATSOEVER! IT WAS VERY DEPRESSING! AND I WAS NOT EATING JUNK NOR LYING AROUND BEING LAZY! IN FACT I SPENT MOST OF MY TIME BEING SHUFFLED AROUND FROM DR TO DR OR MY HEAD SHOVED IN THE TOILET WITH PROLONGED BOUTS OF PROJECTILE VOMITING! I HAVE TO FOLLOW A VERY STRICT DIET AS I HAVE MANY MULTIPLE FOOD INTOLERANCES. THAT MEANS I CAN ONLY EAT FRESHLY MADE FOOD FROM SCRATCH & LEFTOVERS CANNOT BE MORE THAN 48HRS OLD OR A NATURALLY OCCURRING CHEMICAL CALLED TYRAMINE BUILDS UP TO A TOXIC LEVEL THAT “I” CANNOT HANDLE & I BECOME SICK! I CANNOT EAT FAST FOOD, PREPACKAGED FROZED OR PREPARED FOODS. I HAVE TO READ LABELS ON EVERYTHING FOR ANY HIDDEN INGREDIENTS THAT ARE TRIGGERS.THIS IS NO WAY TO LIVE LIFE, BUT I TRY THE BEST I CAN.
THIS SOCIETY IS A DISPOSABLE ONE! EVERYONE WANTS INSTANT GRATIFICATION & ITS SO SUPERFICIAL! EVERYONE SEE’S THE LATEST CELEBRITY OR POLITICAL AFFAIR & WHAT USE TO BE A SCANDLE YEARS AGO IS NOW CONSIDERED THE NORM! THAT SERIOUSLY ERODES THE TRUE MEANING OF MARRIAGE, FIDELITY & COMMITMENT! LOVE IS A CHOICE. ANYONE WITH A BRAIN IN THEIR HEAD & KNOWS HOW TO USE IT KNOWS MARRIAGE TAKES WORK & IT TAKES TWO PEOPLE TO MAKE IT HAPPEN! AND GUESS WHAT THAT ENTAILS! YOU GOT IT-COMMUNICATION! ROMANTIC LOVE IS THE BEGINNING, BUT TRUE, UNCONDITIONAL LOVE IS WHAT YOU DEVELOP OVER TIME AS YOU BUILD A LIFE TOGETHER IN GOOD AND BAD TIMES!
DID YOU ENTER THIS MARRIAGE FOR WHAT “YOU” COULD GET OUT OF IT? DID YOU BUILD UP YOUR EXPECTATIONS TOO HIGH? WERE THOSE EXPECTATIONS REALISTIC? WHEN SPOUSES START TALKING OR THREATENING TO DIVORCE OR HAVE AN AFFAIR, THAT’S A COPOUT! A COWARDLY WAY TO AVOID HAVING TO ACTUALLY HAVING TO ROLL UP YOUR SLEEVES AND ACTUALLY PUT SOME WORK INTO YOUR OWN MARRIAGE FOR ONCE & TRY TO GET THE LINES OF COMMUNICATION OPEN & FLOWING AGAIN & FIGURE THINGS OUT! A MARRIAGE IS ABOUT TWO PEOPLE BECOMING “ONE” SO THAT WHAT GOD HAS JOINED TOGETHER LET NO ONE TEAR APART! WHY DO YOU THINK SO MANY COUPLES HAVE GAINED INSIGHT TO UNCONDITIONAL LOVE?
NO ONE IS PERFECT & TO EXPECT YOUR SPOUSE TO BE WHEN YOU YOURSELF FALL SHORT OF PERFECTION IS BEYOND HYPOCRITICAL!
JUST WANTED TO GET MY TAKE ON IT.
EugeneJanuary 10th, 2017 at 11:37 AM
The problem is too many women and men take advantage of that “til death do us part.” In the world of instant information and attendance trophies, it’s so much easier to let the other person do all the work.
Marriages are failing because it’s hard to find relationships where both people are actually willing to put the work required to truly make a happy marriage. “Til death do us part” is no excuse to be perennially unhappy.
EugeneJanuary 10th, 2017 at 11:39 AM
And when the female spouse demands a $350k a house as the first home, I think it’s fair that the male spouse ask for something in return. Problem is feminism has taught women that it’s ok to be unattractive, and that’s completely false.
jimJanuary 17th, 2016 at 4:40 PM
Marriage is about promises more than love. People often focus on the expressed promise of “for better or worse” and neglect the implied promise that each spouse endeavor to provide their best self as a continual gift to their beloved. The question you are really asking is whether her intentionally breaking he implied promise is now so unfair that you are no longer obligated to the “for better or worse.” If we trade one intentional behavior for another, say slovenly gluttony with violence – you would be expected to depart. Good luck, love changes you but rarely changes them.
Regular GuysJanuary 18th, 2016 at 9:48 AM
It is not that men are shallow when we talk about the physical aspect of a relationship. If when dating, both male and female made all efforts to be attractive, they both should continue to make those efforts. Yes, time passes and bodies change, we all accept that, but what is not acceptable is not to make a genuine effort to maintain that same level of attractiveness. We must all admit that yes, women are all about the emotional aspect, and that males are intrinsically more physical. While men should provide that emotional support (his responsibility), the female should understand the physical mind of the male. It is also her responsibility. Since the advent of feminism, there is a concerted effort to finish/kill the concept of the man. The man is a shallow pig if he care about the physical aspect of her wife, but I cannot count the times when I hear friends wife’s say the ritual the husband has to do prior to having sex with him – washing hands, showering, toothbrushing, etc, etc. This is totally ok, it seems. But when the male says that the female must maintain the feminine Silhouette, he is criticized and killed socially. Come on ! let’s be fair. The male has a different mind. There are evolutionary, electrochemical reactions in his brain that makes him want to have a physically attractive women. Nothing, nothing wrong with that, it is natural. How do we change nature? I often question why the Catholic region for example request priests to be celibate if it goes completely against the nature of the male body. Same thing here.
Regular GuysJanuary 18th, 2016 at 11:10 AM
I stole this from another post. Here are the double standards of today feminism and the effort to emasculate the males.
If husband tells wife to lose weight, husband is an asshole. If wife says the same, she is improving her man’s confidence.
If husband tells wife to eat healthy, husband is an asshole. If wife says the same, she is improving husband’s health.
If husband tells wife to dress well, husband is an asshole. If wife says the same, she is teaching fashion to husband.
If husband tells wife to hit the gym, husband is an asshole. If wife says the same, she is motivating her husband to stay fit.
Reality CheckJanuary 25th, 2016 at 5:03 PM
Wow, a lot of emotion here, on both sides. I do happen to see a double-standard in multiple cultures, but for the sake of understanding, there’s no need to mention the sex of either party.
Everything else being equal (which it never is, but for the purpose of argument let’s assume that it is) when one spouse keeps up their attractiveness/continues to take care of themselves, while the other lets themselves go, it’s a breach of relationship contract. That person that has decided it’s okay to let themselves go has in essence decided that how their partner perceives them is NO LONGER as important to them as their food/addiction/whatever. It is a betrayal, it is selfish, and it’s unfair. This becomes obvious when the relationship ends — nearly always, the “dumped” partner suddenly starts to take care of themselves and lose weight, to attract another partner SO THEY CAN REPEAT THE SAME CYCLE OVER AGAIN. The excuses suddenly disappear and their actions expose them for the manipulators they are. They are in essence temporarily becoming “someone else” to try to trap another victim before they can let their true selves come out again.
Yes, this is an oversimplification. Yes, there are always extenuating factors on both sides, but in general it remains true. It also could be that one partner thinks it’s okay for both to let themselves go, while the other does not. Communication should clear that up right away though.
Tired and FrustratedMarch 9th, 2016 at 10:38 PM
I am so sick and tired of feeling guilty for something I can’t help. I can’t help that I am not attracted to fat women. I hate how society makes me feel like a shallow jerk because of my preference. Women can have all the preferences in the world. A guy has to be tall, make a lot of money, have a nice car etc,etc. But as soon as we express our desire for a non obese woman, all hell breaks loose. It’s really an american thing too. I’ve been to China, all the women there are beautiful and slim. Same with Japan. The women there care more about their appearance and will do what it takes to maintain it. I had a chinese female tell me she was too fat and needed to lose weight. She probably only weighed 130-140 and was around 5’4-5’6. I began to laugh, I would kill to have an american woman with this mindset. Women just need to stop forcing us to think a certain way, because they are not men. They don’t have hormonal composition of a man, so they will never understand why we are like this. Just take our word for it and lose the weight. It’s not rocket science. Just eat less and exercise more for a long period of time(ideally it should be for life). Life is all about the effort you put into something. If you don’t put any effort into your health, don’t expect a quality man to stick around for long. You can’t have your cake and eat it too. Life just doesn’t work that way.
RoseMarch 14th, 2016 at 5:24 PM
I am in the exact same miserable sinking boat, but it’s my own fault maybe. I started dating a morbidly obese “boy” really. He was twenty and I was twenty-five. I was never attracted to him. People are always scratching their heads in public at the sight of us. I have little self esteem and I’m quite sure this is to blame for my troubles. After three years of dating, he pressured me into marry him. We were married within one month. I caved like an idiot. I “love” him but he disgusts me — primarily because he is a toxic, possessive/clingy, inconsiderate personality. He seemed nice at first; that’s the only reason I started dating him. But that was all a facade. I can no longer look past his morbid obesity. I’m laying here right now thinking,”God, please help me. What have I gotten myself into?” F$cked up souls find one another. :(
My OpinionMarch 15th, 2016 at 1:53 PM
I’ve read through just about every comment, and would like to add my 2 cents. Someone had made a comment about the difference between “sickness & health” and “for better & for worse.” I completely agree with absolute loyalty and devotion as it pertains to sickness & health. But in the “better/worse” category I think it really depends on the situation. The “better/worse” vow doesn’t give either partner the right to be an emotional and/or relationship terrorist. Nothing irritates me more than a guy with a lovely & healthy wife who gains a few pounds, wrinkles, or gray hair and decides to make ignorant/hurtful comments. I’ve seen this first hand, a co-worker of mine has a lovely wife who is maybe 10-15 pounds over her ideal weight. She’s not obese, or really even overweight, she’s just not a 20-year old hard body any more. He says things to her that are just completely disgusting, and he does this in front of other people. Why do I hate guys like that? For one they’re jerks… Two, a loving husband or wife (depending on the overweight partner) will be dealing with a spouse that is 70, 80, or maybe even 100+ pounds overweight on the way to some serious health issues, and try to address the situation but will be put in the same category as the jerk lashing public insults to his wife for putting on a few pounds. You’re talking about two completely different scenarios. You don’t have the right to humiliate your spouse, but when you get in a situation where your husband or wife is 50 or more pounds overweight and isn’t interested in making the situation better you have the rights to speak up within the confines of the marriage. This idea “that it shouldn’t matter, you made a vow” can become a form of abuse. You give your spouse no recourse. And guess what? That vow goes both ways. The man who wrote this article is talking about his wife weighing 380 pounds, and she was less than half of that when they got married at 160 pounds. I’m sorry, but that’s going to affect how attracted you are to your wife. We’re not talking about seeing past a 10-pound weight gain here. If she’d gone from 160 to 185, 25 pounds, I’m sure he wouldn’t have written in for help. Like it or not sexuality and attraction is a big part of marriage. You don’t have the right to expect your spouse to look like they came out of Sports Illustrated, but without some serious health reasons you DO have the right to expect they won’t balloon up to twice the weight of a normal person. I have had my own personal challenges with weight, never obese, but up & down (between normal/fit & 20-30 pounds overweight). Right now I’m in good shape (at a good healthy weight). My wife, unfortunately, has gained a lot of weight and is not 380, but a good weight for her height and frame would be around 150-160, and her current weight is 250-260. What makes this really challenging is that, although I wish she were fitter, I’m still attracted to her and want to be intimate. I don’t reject her for intimacy, I’m the one being rejected. I know a lot of it is how she feels about herself, but she’s doesn’t make an effort to change things. Where does that leave me? And here’s the thing, I know it’s not “all about me.” But I love my wife, I want to be intimate with my wife, and despite her weight (I’d prefer she was thinner & healthier) I still initiate and try (and yes ladies I try being kind outside the bedroom too). It’s a tough pill to swallow, and makes you resentful. In my case I just let it go because if I said something what little love & affection I enjoy now would completely go away. Also, I don’t believe in divorce (at least not because my spouse is overweight & declines intimacy), and bringing it up would just cause undo hardship in the marriage. She has to want & initiate the change, but I think things will continue on as there are because there are no consequences…
SelfMarch 23rd, 2016 at 4:29 AM
The same arguments the couple (sizematters) are having are the same ones between people replying here. Both sides here is defending how they feel as being right, and the problem is THEY’RE BOTH CORRECT, how you feel and feel strongly about is true and correct for you. You should never apologize for how you honestly feel. The anger and rage that builds between you is from your spouse denying you the solid ground of honesty and care you feel for them. They no longer believe you love and care for them, because they never loved and cared for themselves, and they can no longer fake it.
The self sabotage and slow suicide of gross obesity, in either sex, is not the first problem. It is only the expression of damage that was there long before you met them. A person who gives-up on their body in spite of the pleading and daily 12hr encouragement and attempted motivation is risking their life to make a statement to you. Forget the excuses and arguments, that’s not REALLY what this is about. Letting your body slowly degenerate into an unworkable shape, ether too bony or fat, is a way of saying- “I want to die, because I’m too damaged to live, and I can’t fake it anymore.” So they train you to mistreat them, because in their core of cores they were trained to hate themselves and they need confirmation that this is correct.
That’s why they don’t believe what you say anymore: because it doesn’t fit into what they believe to be true about themselves-
which is: A CRACKED MIRROR OF A SOUL SEEING THEMSELVES IN ANOTHER CRACKED MIRROR and believing what they see it accurate and true, because that’s been their self-image for their entire life.
This damage was there long before you met this person, so don’t let them blame you for anything you’re doing now.
It has always been all INSIDE THEM.
Never lose that solid ground, and don’t take on the blame for another person’s damage that you have nothing to do with.
And no, there is nothing you can, or should do.
It all MUST come from inside them.
THEHOTCHUBBYCHICKApril 28th, 2016 at 2:23 PM
Okay sooooo I’m one of those over weight wives you all are complaining about and I do see both sides of the argument, here’s my side though. I began seeing my husband right before I turned 16 yrs old, then I was 135lbs. Because I was young and dumb I didn’t know what kind of treatment I should expect from someone I dated aside from not physically abusing me or to not be in a relationship with a lazy bum. From the beginning my husband was calling all the shots cause he was the money maker and he was older. Our first born passed away right as I was graduating high school and she died in my arms from pre mature birth. After I suffered from severe depression and had nightmares almost every night that didn’t go away for about two years.
Within those two years after our daughter passed I had to deal with finding new numbers in his cell and wallet, him going out with his friends and not coming home until the next afternoon and the weight I gained with pregnancy came back after I had spent two years losing it while putting myself through college and working part time while trying to be a great house wife even though HE wasn’t ready for marriage.
Me going to college, working part time, doing all the cooking and cleaning while losing weight (40lbs) wasn’t enough for him cause I still wasn’t making the money like his friends girlfriends his age were making. Questioning if I was enough even when I was thin made me gain weight again cause I didn’t think I was good enough and would never be appreciated. I was addicted to the sex he didn’t even want to have with me cause it made me feel good even if it was for a little while, after sex we’d get along but it never lasted. He’d be lazy and his hoarding (literally two whole rooms full of junk I wasn’t allowed to touch for “tax purposes”) would depress me again then those fights would lead to fights about me not making enough money or losing weight too slowly. Then I started just focusing on myself, both mental and physical wellbeing, lost weight and one night months later we were out out a club with his family and he’s drunk trying to making out with some chick in front of everyone, from this I gained weight again. Later after bed rest from our 2nd pregnancy and tons of complications I realized my weight was a reflection of my happiness with our relationship. I also realized I allowed him to hurt me this way because I didn’t see myself as being worth anything, then I realized I have him to much power over my happiness.
Now after get over bed rest, 2 years of breastfeeding, a silent post partum depression fought alone, I feel good. I lost 40lbs so far now I’m the one withholding sex. I decided that if he’s not treating me how I deserve to be treated (cause I’m amazing with a cute face, big t&a, with a slimming waist) he won’t get what a good husband deserves if he’s expecting to get my 100% while he’s only giving 50% the whole entire relationship!
My point guys is only some guys I read on this thread seemed to realize they needed to work on themselves first before pointing fingers at their wives, WHAT ARE YOU DOING WRONG might be the right question. I worked on myself and realized it was him and his crappy 50% of just having two jobs, their career five days a week and themselves. Women have five jobs; themselves, cooking three meals daily, scrubbing the whole f-n house daily, outdoor chores and running errands like yard work and grocery shopping, and taking care of children daily. Not saying some of you guys don’t have a hard job but sometimes for us women their aren’t enough hours in the day and we need a little more help or motivation to keep going, being romantic and faithful isn’t a lot to ask for. Guys want a modern career women mixed with traditional qualities of our grandmas but only want to be the 1/2 the man. NOT FAIR!
EugeneJanuary 10th, 2017 at 11:42 AM
That’s funny. I make $100k while my fiance makes only $30k. I’m also in better shape than my fiance. I really just want her to do one or the other – lose weight or get an education. If I just saw her made an effort on ONE of those things I’d be so much happier! Because right now I feel like she is getting a bargain and I’m getting a crap deal.
SassMay 1st, 2016 at 3:26 PM
I have no sympathy for men whining about their wives not losing 15 pounds after having a child. I do have sympathy for the letter writer. 380 pounds is extremely morbidly obese and is pretty much a guarantee of premature death if not corrected. I suspect his wife probably is depressed and that’s the first thing that needs to be handled. It’s true that she has to want to change, but what she needs to understand though is if she doesn’t make that choice soon, she will, not could, will end up permanently disabled or dead. And I can’t say I really think it’s fair to expect her husband to sit by and watch her die an early death.
Gee M.May 2nd, 2016 at 1:15 AM
As I read some of the comments/ replies on here; I can clearly see who is threaten at the thought of a man considering divorce v. others pointing out the facts such as in my religion we’re also taught to love yourself and God doesn’t want his people suffering and placing themselves in a situation that emotionally tortures them. In my own case; I was engaged and due to cancer I decided to break off the engagement to fiancé so that he had the chance to have children since I would not be able to do that for him. I did this out of love plus I never wanted him to see me go through cancer battles (and I have experienced 4) because I saw what the husbands in my family go through when my aunts and my mom had cancer. I still love him and he was the only man that I truly was in love with. Recently, I saw a picture of him and his wife. His wife looks like a man almost and looks like she weighs well over 300lbs. However, this woman gave him 5 kids; which I never could do that. And, I could tell in the pick that he wasn’t happy and a bit uncomfortable in the pic. I do know that he still checks online to see what I am doing and look like. However, I know that I cannot see him or talk to him because of how I feel about him to this day; I will not be a home wrecker. The better news today for Catholics is that they can divorce and receive communion due to the Pope’s position on Divorce. I know if he wants to be with me that he must follow through on his end to decide whether he stays or divorces her. That has to be about them regardless of me and my feelings.
SimonMay 14th, 2016 at 1:29 PM
For all the defensive women in this blog – some of you are just not being realistic. You act like you have never had a science class in your life. You believe that men can get erections whenever they feel like it and they just choose not to with you because you are overweight. Looking at you naked has to make your man’s penis erect and that in INVOULNTARY. If he’s not attracted to you, it’s not going to happen and you can’t “make” it. But often it’s not even totally about weight. If women that look better than you are trying to sleep with your man, he’d like to at least know that his woman cares enough that she woul try to keep him. A lot of women won’t do one thing – they get mad and will even hold sex from their husbands because he mentions their weight. Meanwhile, other women are trying to show your man they can be everything you’re not.
Don’t you think your man knew you weren’t going to do anything when he talked to you about your weight? Don’t you think he knew he was inviting more stress and problems into his life. Men aren’t stupid, they are desperate. He’s asking you to help him be faithful by at least pretending you want to look nice for him.
Just like you want to be with your man, so do other women. And the very worst part of it all is when he finally does decide to leave, you WILL lose the weight to catch another man. All he’s asking, if you love him, is to do that for him. If you can’t understand that it’s because you don’t want to.
SammySeptember 3rd, 2018 at 8:25 PM
Exactly! You can’t help what you do/don’t find attractive. I won’t date overweight men. I don’t find them attractive and having sex with someone I’m not attracted to is physically painful. I’ve broken up with an ex who put on too much weight, refused to exercise, ate junk and started trying to discourage me from being healthy too. I won’t put up with that crap. I want someone I can cook with/for and go out hiking or climbing without them complaining or me worrying they might have a heart attack!
If people lose interest in a relationship and stop making an effort to remain attractive, then the other partner has every right to complain and then end things if there is no real change. The modern fat acceptance trend is ridiculous and very harmful in my opinion. The idea that everyone should go against biological programming and suddenly find obesity attractive is crazy. I was raised by an ‘old fashioned’ family and was taught that women should look like women if they want a happy marriage – stay slim, eat healthily, dress up for your partner every now and then, don’t chop off all your hair, learn to apply a bit of makeup and enjoy sex (rather than use it as a threat/reward). All things that go against what is taught today. Everyone wants a partner they can show off in public (men and women alike) and letting yourself get fat just screams ‘I have no respect for my other half’. There are enough sports, groups, gyms and free info online these days that there really is no excuse to be overweight bar some horrific injury/illness (and no, thyroid disorders don’t make a big difference).
Women are not little kids that need emotional sheltering. We can be lazy, manipulative, and selfish if we want to be and men shouldn’t put up with this (just like women shouldn’t if the roles are reversed). Be honest with your partner, but if they still refuse to change then don’t feel guilty about leaving. They will likely make an effort to lose weight if they are back in the dating pool and want to attract other men!
WandaMay 18th, 2016 at 6:32 AM
I think about all the men with beer guts and balding heads. Not too much sexy going on there either. Tit for tat.
Bobbie dMay 19th, 2016 at 9:36 AM
I am going through kind of the same thing. Me and my wife were both military. After we got out we are like sh%t for 3 years. I started at 5 10 256 pounds. In my first month I have dropped 28 pounds and am slimming down. My wife lost 5 or 6 pounds but is staying the same. I do believe it is worth stating that she works at a hospital full time 8 10 and 12 hour shifts. I just go to school. I am proud of the progress that my wife has made and hope it continues. She started at 255 as well being a relit overly short 5,3. Regardless I love her and show her everyday that I do no matter what. Good luck guys and thanks for sharing.
A1rh3adJune 11th, 2016 at 11:19 PM
Don’t ever stay with someone out of guilt because then you are in it for the wrong reasons. The best you can do is try to fix the situation but in all honesty it’s a hard job to fix someone elses problem.
inzzbrukJune 18th, 2016 at 6:51 AM
This whole thread just makes me sad. Sad for the women who are loyal, devoted, faithful, loving, giving, nurturing, responsible human beings who are not loved because of the number on the scale. These comments are shallow and hurtful and the men saying them deserve to be miserable if all they care about is something as insignificant as the size of her waist. Ever heard of the 80/20 rule? When you allow yourself to be immature and think with your penis, you are willing to trade a woman who makes you happy 80% of the time for a woman who makes you happy 20% of the time. Fools! Do you know why the women lose the weight after you leave them? It’s because their pain medication tickets them and they use the spite to get themselves back into shape. Happily married people do gain weight together because they are focused on bigger and more important things in life like making a home, and raising a family and prioritizing things that are bigger and more important than themselves. My guess is many of these guys married based on looks and not an actual inner connection to their spouse. Childish mistake! Looks fade… So you have to have more in common with a person than just a lustful desire, things like hobbies, goals, good intelligent conversation, faith, etc and of course a desire for sex, but these guys talk about their wives as if they are merely sex-objects designed for their personal use and once their object is used or changes a little, they are ready to move on to a new object. This is not how marriage works. Ever see an elderly couple married for 40-50 years? Do you think they looked 20 years old the entire time? It’s a unlikely. Marriage is work. I’m betting if someone asked the “fat wives” about their husbands, the list of flaws and disappointments would be equally negative, but the difference is a woman sees her man as a person not an object for her pleasure. She can chose to show mercy, restraint, graciousness and forgiveness for his shirt-comings where as he can not get past his entitlement to having an ideal object. Newsflash: if your wife has gained weight over the years, that’s normal. If you love her she knows it. If she’s overweight, she knows it. If you’re a pig, she knows it and she knows if you’re motivations and “encouragements” are coming from a place of loving concern or from a place of selfish, shallow, vain, lustful, pigish-ness. If you’re a good man you have a much better chance of success in helping your wife than a man who is simply judging his sex object. For women, weight loss is not as black and white as it is for men. Look that up, don’t just take my word for it. It can be extremely difficult and the last thing a woman needs is the one who promised to love and cherish her no matter what telling her she is worthless and means nothing to you based upon a number on a scale… When you sabotage a woman like this, you are part of the problem. I believe sex is important in a healthy marriage and a man should have the right to be concerned about his wife’s health but when it’s for purely selfish reasons, you break the woman’s desire to please and succeed before she ever even gets started. There are times in your marriage when YOU are not the priority and if you are man enough to accept that, then it shouldn’t be a deal breaker. On the other hand if you are never the priority then you have a valid point as long as you are putting in an equal effort to meet your spouse’s needs. My guess is you are not. I’ve been married 17 years and of course I no longer look 20 but my husband treats me with love, respect, kindness, and he makes me feel beautiful when I don’t deserve it, this makes me want to be more beautiful for him! This makes me want to fulfill his desires! This is what real unselfish non-judgemental, non-objectified love does. You see my man deserves my best efforts because he has seen me at my worst and did not turn his heart away. If you have turned your heart away from your wife when she is at her worst then you do not deserve the best of her.
LawrenceJuly 7th, 2016 at 11:33 AM
Your comment here is extremely ignorant. I think it is way past time to start taking into consideration the man’s psychology. A man is different than a woman biologically. A woman’s base instinct is to seek security and a man that will provide for her emotional and physical well-being. It seems to me that the vast majority of these men on this forum are doing exactly that. You know what is missing? An appreciation that men have a very powerful biological drive and need too. We honestly do require our partners to want to please us. This includes looking nice. do you really think attractiveness is something that is unimportant? Women find men attractive based on totally different criteria. Stop saying that men need to think the same way as women. WE DON’T. There has to be equity in a relationship or it simply doesn’t work. We aren’t stupid! We understand that as we age things will change and we understand that when women have children things will change but we also expect if the woman is given plenty of time and opportunity she should attempt to get her weight and level of fitness to at least an average level. Obviously if the man doesn’t take care of himself then he shouldn’t expect his partner too either. I’m talking about being equal. Attractiveness is a major component of a good relationship and this does vary from one person to the next.
Many women say that men are being shallow for expecting a level of attractiveness. Well let me tell you something by your standards ALL men are shallow. The truth is that men have a biological imperative that is different than women so you just don’t relate to us. You really don’t. Honestly! Ask any man and he will tell you that women just don’t understand men’s needs. Of course they know well enough what a man seeks when they are single and she is trying to attract him but once she has him that is magically supposed to change and now the man is supposed to overlook the very same features that attracted him to his partner to begin with. Do you know how frustrating that is for men to be treated that way? Men are expected to love their partner unconditionally but this thought is ridiculous. Accepting someone unconditionally is just asking for abuse. I think rather it should be accepted and expected that both partners should strive to be everything the other partner needs.
Compromise is part of being in a long term relationship and the men on this forum for the most part seem to really love thier partners and are not asking for them to transform into a super model. They know that would never happen. What they are asking for is for their partner to realize that the men in their life want to be attracted to their partner. We really do. We don’t want other women, what we want is our partners to be fulfilling. Men are sexual animals. That biological drive never stops until the day we die. When we have a mate that is fully unattractive there is a huge part of the relationship missing.
I’m in the same boat as the men in this forum. I’m a very physically active person. I run marathons and workout regularly. I have a very good level of physical fitness especially for my age. My wife however is quite overweight and it makes me extremely sad and disappointed that I can share none of that with her. She is unattractive to me. Before I trigger any of the femi-nazis let me first say that I have tried everything I know how to help her. We went to councelling 10 years ago and we got very indepth with what each of us needed in the relationship. I was ready to leave her then. Not just because of the weight issue but that was a major issue. We left counselling with a great deal of optimism. She realized that I had a totally different set of expectations than her and I also came to understand she needed certain things from me. 10 years later we are still in the same spot we were then. I’m ready to give up now. I’ve poured everything I had into making it work but unfortunately my needs and wants do not rank even in the top 20 of her priorities. Sometimes you can’t win. Over the years I tried the following with her:
-went with her to the gym to encourage her to workout -made time for her most days so that she could be active – refrained from negativity and offered positive re-enforcement when she was doing well -tried to set a good example for her to follow -arrange activities that we could both do together -encourage and arranged for her to workout with her friends or attend yoga/spinning/bootcamp classes -we did every diet together that you can think of. At the end of the day she made almost no progress because for her it just wasn’t a priority and if I wasn’t there to remind her/encourage her or arrange for her to workout she just wouldn’t bother. I can do no more.
In parting let me say this – I think women need to make an effort to understand that men have needs just like they do and their needs will be different. Men know that they need to love, protect and provide for their partner to help them feel happy and satisfied in life. Do women know that men want an attractive mate to make them feel happy and satisfied? Not a very PC thing to say these days but it is 100% true!! Ask any man. I will no longer pretend that my biological and emotional impulse is invalid. I won’t.
dougJuly 20th, 2016 at 6:58 AM
Your comment is naive, just as the other guy pointed out. A marriage needs both love and romance to work. Romance means you are physically attracted to the wife. Otherwise, the wife is only a friend and a life-long roommate. I made the mistake of marrying a woman who got fat. She stopped taking care of herself. I loved her, but her body just got gross. It was impossible to have sex with her, even with medications like Viagra (no i do not have erectile dysfunction) or MDMA. My lack of sexual interest hurt her and my lack of a sex life hurt me. I begged and pleaded for her to get in shape and told her how much more beautiful she is when she has an athletic body. I run several times a week and asked her to run or ride bikes every single f***ing time I ran, but she chose to sit on the couch, eat, and watch TV. And, no, she had no job or hobbies. She was unwilling to improve herself, and I felt liek she was with me only for the free ride. I left her.
Obesity has reached pandemic proportions.
RaminaJuly 14th, 2016 at 4:41 PM
Wow! I just sat here, while doing leg lifts, and read all these amazingly honest and layered reflections on a topic that has always triggered in me so much personal anguish. It seems each of us , no matter what life story, circumstance , position, role, gender, socio-economic status, has very deep internal reaction to this topic. This topic of how a body looks and equating that with self-worth and personal value. Either embarrassed about another’s weight, as a reflection of you, or personal disgust. Those are feelings we all don’t like to discuss because it is so uncomfortable. There are layers to this that don’t make it simple. It’s complicated, like many things about life and learning to love people.
I have my own relationship with weight issues and great impact it has had on me, and on my relationships , not only with men, but with everyone in my life. It is the things people think, but don’t say. Or the thing they say, that sticks and keeps on hurting for the rest of your life , even if you swept it from your consciousness it haunts from below the surface, it taunts and teases and become the critical voice that berates you, influence how you view yourself .
I think we can’t see one situation as isolated from the whole. We all live in this world where we are , from a very early age,made aware, especially as females, how the male gender responds to our bodies. Media shapes our view of what we “should ” look and appear to be and our value as a human being , it becomes very apparent, comes from the feedback we get, that in order to be accepted and loved, we must fit into some ideal of what others have deemed, “hot”
I was a somewhat chubby child and was teased about this. I responded by going on crash diets in my teen years and become quite thin. I smoked cigarettes and drank coffee. My bowels system was a mess, but I had lots of male attention, but no true intimacy, as I really couldn’t live or eat normally.
I got married, then , as you are already guessing, did what is normally a life changing body event, got pregnant. My body was no longer my own, as it had another body growing inside it. I gained 60 pounds and got stretch marks and became a mother. My former husband, who suffered from immaturity and some other issues, called me lots of really bad names and berated me. I felt humiliated. Of course, I cared about how I looked and wanted to lose weight, and I eventually did. But the devastation of being treated like trash because of weight gain, by the father of my children, a man that took life vows with me, wounded my soul very deeply.
I have since lost and gained weight throughout the years. Now, I am in perimenopause, a season every man should learn about. I am working very are to get back in shape and look and feel good. However, those 20, just don’t come off as easy and fast as they used to. Cortisol, and other hormones, especially with the female system, play a role in weight. Stress can make a woman fat. Not all women, just about 60-70 percent of us. There are some women, ecotomorph types, that will always be thin without diet and exercise( lucky them)
I have had years of working with my spirit to heal from a warped sense of body image, and I am better, but yet, I still battle. I have to work really hard to maintain a decent weight . My sweet current and forever husband, has figured out ways to take stress off me. When we were first married he was critical and found out that it wasn’t helpful. I truly feel that if a man really wants and is only sexually attracted to very thin women, then he should marry a woman that has no prepensity to gaining weight.
While I agree men and women have obvious differences in our sexual systems, if a man is so hormonally driven in the sex act, then it doesn’t make sense , that they are prevented from erection by a few pounds, except if they are imprinted by pornographic images that have wired them to only be aroused by certain body types. It makes more sense , on a biological level, that men would be attracted to a variety of female body types and weight within parameters. I, myself, as a female, am attracted to many different male body types, sizes and all sorts of men for all kinds of reasons.
The interplay between biology, spirituality ,society, is hard to pull apart. The original
question was about one man and his wife, and yet, this topic is so universal, it is easy for any of us to project ourselves into her side or his, or try to imagine the mentalities of the people involved based on our experiences, and how we view weight, and how we view marital commitment.
If someone has gained a lot of extra weight..( in the eye of the beholder, of course) than, that I believe, is placed in the ,”sickness” category. There are all kinds of sickeness’ in life: mental, physical, spiritual, financial. Hormones, especially for females who, due to the amazing ability to nourish and develop another human being inside her, has to deal with various and extreme body changes, stress, life events,ups and downs , age,grief, etc.
The most important weight to have and maintain is the level of gold in your heart. Diet and exercise, taking care of your self, comes naturally when you feel and believed you are valued. If your spouse is lacking in this, it is an indication they need support, prayers,kindness and unconditional love. They are one with you. How you treat them in an area of weakness, is only a reflection , a mirror, to how you feel about yourself.
If you are using your spouse to boost your self esteem, and they embarrass you, it is only a reflection of your own values. You don’t have to accept someone else’s evaluation of your spouse in any way. Other people don’t love your spouse. You do. You are the one who took a vow until death with them. Live your best life, love them the best, and pray for your spouse. The one thing, the number ONE thing that destroys marriages above all else, is the showing of distain or disqust, about anything, not just weight. It could be a million other things. If you have this kind of disqust, you must deal with it. It reveals something inside your heart that needs tending to.
This being said, since weight loss for some is very difficult, like I am finding it right now, be patient and ask Jesus for more joy in your life. When we feel hope and joy, naturally we desire to make healthier choices, and find strength to fight the good fight.
One book I found very helpful is called, “Real Love” by Dr. Greg Baer. He talks about concepts like, “imitation love” which is the source of all, “disgust, prejudice, racism and hatred in the world.” Page 144
The problem, the real problem, isn’t the weight, it is the way you view the weight as an indication of value. Weight can come off much easier than transformation of a heart. This is not about gender, though it involves gender. There is a lot of information and ways our natural biology is shaped by culture that we are never consciously aware of. We are programmed from a very early age to view things in certain ways and others have assigned value to us, and others by those mind sets. If you want to be free to love, free to lose weight, free to have joy either way, you need a new heart, and a new pair of eyes.
This isn’t about loving fat, or excusing people’s issues that harm them, in fact, it the opposite. When you truly accept another person, accept yourself, that healthy self begins to find strength to grow. That healthy self and the shamed self are in a battle. The shamed self will starve itself/ gorge itself. The shamed self will act “nice” for a while, then rebel. The healthy self will begin to learn to care about itself and give lots of healthy opportunity to grow because it feels safe. Fears of abandonment, ridicule, mocking, will keep it from growing and only outrage the inner self into sabotage. No true intimacy can take place under that condition.
I just want to take every body who commented and just hug us all. This is tough stuff, this is deeply triggering in our soul so many feelings about our selves, how we view everyone in our lives, our sense of identity.
I find myself so often viewing the people around by their bodies and judging them this or that way, and then, myself and comparing, and you know folks, it’s a sick way to be. I was taught that by the world, and I ask the Spirit to break me of it. Totally. The real me, the real you, we are spirits in a body, not a body covering a spirit. It’s our tent, and yes, we are to take care of it, be healthy, not abuse it, but it is not us. The person you judge due to their body type, or shape, is a human spirit. There is eternal value in there. You may not approve of the cover, don’t like the shape, but it’s a outer garment. It is like the treasure chest, might be all rough and rusted and corroded on the outside, but open it up and wow, amazing sparkling priceless treasure. Let us all remember that, we are not our bodies, we live in a body and we can treat it well, give it exercise and good whole food, but the inside , that is where the person is.
BingJuly 19th, 2016 at 6:14 AM
I guess everyone has their own story right? Mine isn’t too different than everyone else’s. My wife is grossly overweight but didn’t start out that way. Like you guys, I really am not into having sex with a 250 pound woman. Yes ladies it is about looks. It’s discouraging to say the least. But unlike some of you guys, I don’t think she really cares. We have been together for 30 years and come to think of it, she really always acted like it was a chore anyways, unless it was when she wanted the kids. I guess I just didn’t have the wisdom to recognize it when I was younger. So I think for her the weight is sort of acting like a penis shield. I’m so disappointed it isn’t funny. I have been the classic supportive husband for over thirty years and at this point feel nothing more than someone who has been taken advantage of. Yes took the oath. Don’t want to be a shallow dude divorcing her because she is fat. And before you ladies out there say she is probably stressed from being a wife and mom, rest assured, I have done the lions share of shopping, cooking and carting the kids around for the majority of the years,all while holding down my own job. The bottom line, she knows I’m not into her being overweight and she does nothing to change her situation. It works for her. But I keep telling myself I am lucky because we are both generally speaking not sick people and our kids are healthy. However her tropical vacation isn’t gonna happen with me. No desire to sit on the beach with the heaviest woman there. Nope. No thanks.
KaraAugust 18th, 2016 at 7:07 PM
I am a woman and I will NOT vouch for lazy, entitled, complacent, sickly, unhealthy, women. Women do slack off once the ring is on the finger and kids are born. I have seen it first-hand. I counsel men and women and I hear it all the time from men about wives getting fat. Women do your job in your marriage. If the man is doing his job by providing, working, tending to the home, helping with children, etc then make sure you look good for your man. It ain’t rocket science. NO MAN I ever counseled wanted a fat wife just like women don’t want a BROKE man. It is easy to get complacent bjust like it is easy to get cheated on. Men are visual and should not have to settle for an obese wife just because of vows. Men DO NOT SETTLE! I have a client that has been planning on divorcing his wife for 2 years now and will never get married again. He is stashing money away and getting his living arrangements and job squared away in a different country. His ticket is already paid for and so is his lawyer. His wife is clueless! Men live your life for you and do not let your wives make you feel bad for wanting a healthy, in shape, clean, wife. This a are mind games they play to make you surrender. Man your wives are lazy, unmotivated, full of excuses, and content. GET OUT!
JamesJuly 19th, 2016 at 8:24 AM
That is the solution. Live your life the way you want without her constraints. Enjoy your vacation without her. There is currently no reason for her to change because you are giving her everything unconditionally. Your actions tell her you are OK with her being fat. She needs to find out fat isn’t acceptable any more.
RaminaJuly 19th, 2016 at 5:32 PM
You obviously don’t understand true human beings. No one “wants” to be overweight. He isn’t unconditionally loving someone, just tolerating, and it’s a totally different energy. The positive changes I have made, my desire to exercise daily, eat clean and be whole and healthy only have come through unconditional love, not manipulation or pretending.
As I stated, if the thin issue is so very vital to a person, they ought to consciously choose a partner to whom thinness is natural, about 20 percent of females.
I know not everyone desires true intimacy on a deep level, but for those who do, learning to truly become one with someone means that you drop your superficial judgements, realize that you are responsible for yourself, including the thoughts of your heart.
Shaming brings a vicious cycle of starvation and binge, trying to please others, never true and lasting change. I enjoy exercise now and taking care of my body regardless of what anyone thinks of me or their personal standard.
Thank you for thinking a bit more deeply about this and for the blessing of this dialogue,
RaminaJuly 19th, 2016 at 6:02 PM
Bing, I truly think the best thing you could do for her is tell her, “I don’t accept you because you are overweight and it turns me off in every way. ” And then divorce her.
Honestly if a man felt this way about me, I truly would not want to live one more day in relationship with him. Go find your dream girl and let this woman go. She deserves to know how you truly feel and that you are man enough to own up.
I applaud you for commenting and being honest , here, in where you are truly at with this.
Put it to her straight and no compromise.
Set her free.
She will be Thankful, eventually and has a chance at truly liking herself someday.
Blessings in your journey,
dougJuly 20th, 2016 at 6:37 AM
With obesity as widespread as it now is, I bet 50% of men have this problem with their wives/gfs.
OP: she is cheating you. You married a woman who weighed less than 200 pounds. Now she weighs 400. She has let herself go. She is disrespecting you. For a marriage to work, there has to be both love and physical attraction.
I bet sex with her is impossible. Viagra and MDMA can only work to a point, but there isn’t anything left of her to work with. Stop being a beta and give her an ultimatum.
JamesJuly 20th, 2016 at 8:37 AM
I think this man has made it no secret how he really feels. The wife simply doesn’t care. Your advice of divorcing and finding a woman who takes care of herself is solid.
RamiJuly 20th, 2016 at 12:43 PM
I totally disagree she, “doesn’t care”, but hopeful she can get some real help after free of a person who despises her.
People are addicted to avoid pain, often deep emotional pain. These addictions can be food, or television which numbs the feeling center of your frontal cortex.
Everyone has the right and freedom to decide when someone else’s addiction is too much for them. Everyone, no matter what the issues are, have a right to continue to have a hard heart.
I have been married to two kinds of men, one with a hard dead heart who was a fleshly man, and my current husband who is a spiritual alive man. The intimacy is not even comparable. I have also dated many men in the past, and every man had his own mentality.
I have worked caring for people with serve disabilities that some would write off and seen miracles occur with true acceptance and genuine love. However, there are some who can’t be trusted with this work, and they are shown the door.
If you have a hard heart and don’t really want to do anything about that, going your way, in peace, is the best thing.
Blessings and Best Health,
Mr. CAugust 12th, 2016 at 11:55 AM
I can relate to this situation. When me and my wife first got together and married she was full figured and toned. I continued my appearance and maintained good health practices. I have spent thousands of dollar on diets for her, counseling and everything short of having weight loss surgery. Really their is no other option but for my wife to have the surgery. I have done the whole, come back to the gym thing. I have said lets go for a walk. Now we are the odd couple. I have a obese diabetic wife and I am the bodybuilder. I am angry about it. Why? When we first met guess where we met. In the gym. Her excuse is that she wants to eat what she wants like a normal person. Normal people do not eat what they want when they want. It has placed a heavy strain on our marriage especially with her medical problems of the diabetes. Her self respect is gone. Have I caused it? No we cleared that up in the counseling. She is addicted to food. I can not make her do what she does not want to do. And guys neither can you. The other person has to want to loose the weight and make themselves better. Our relationship is rough because she is not able to get out and do things. We can not go out to dinner because she can not fit in the booth. I keep my frustration and anger of it all away from her. She knows I am angry and frustrated. I spend more hours in the gym now and at work to get away, Her health is to the point where she can not take care of her hygiene. I have woman approach me all the time. Asking me am I single. Even right in front of my wife. It causes fights. Because I am in good shape and women are attracted to my muscles. I tell them I am married and they look at my wife like are you kidding? Sex does not happen at all. Because I cant. When your not attracted. Its not going to happen. Is binge eating a mental disorder YES! I have thought many times maybe she will wake the hell up. Doctors have told her she needs to do something. Goes in one ear and out the other. Do I have grounds to divorce? Yes! Because the person I married is gone with the wind. A lot of you will say I am shallow, I am a jerk, I am superficial. It comes down to. You can not make someone do what they don’t want to do. I wake up to this everyday. It pisses me off. I choose to live like this and I don’t have to. When someone is in my situation. Then yes I and you have grounds to leave when a woman does not self respect herself to the point where she has ruined her health. Now I have to some how figure out how to pay for these medical bills. Because she has no self respect or respect for her own husband.
RichardSeptember 28th, 2016 at 4:49 PM
Well I’ve been married for 10 years. I love her very much while we was dating we had several conversations problems in marriage that we didn’t want to go through one of them being understanding women have emotional needs they also have a need for you to do dishes and small kind things that feels your heart. So i went doing these things for her full force laundry wash your car anything that show that I care about her.. but during our premarital counseling she told me that she did not want her pastor to know that we have had sex this counseling took place with her pastor and his wife it wasn’t II Men teaming up on her. My pastor looked her directly and I said have you to have sex and she said yes then at this point he looked at me .he asked how that part of our relationship was going? I was very honest and said it wasn’t what it was a few months ago. She told the pastor it was because she felt guilty because of God the Pastor said good answer the two of you should go without sex for the next 6 months to get married that’s fine but she lost her virginity 8 years prior to that I got a little aggravated by that but I did follow what he asked me to do. Honeymoon got here everything was great on the honeymoon but just as soon as we got back the sex stopped immediately it was a constant argument for 4 years because I had work around the house wash dishes bought gifts done everything that a man could do to show her love to fill her love Bank so she would want to make love to me. These things didn’t work until she wanted to have a child once she decided she wanted a child she wanted to do it every day in a very standard unromantic way I did so but before I decided to conceive a child with her she promised me that she would work on this so we had a child now we haven’t had sex but about 4 times in 6 years she gained weight 2 years after we met each other she’s always use that as an excuse of not wanting to have sex I don’t know what to do I’ve been a great husband I work everyday since I was 14 years old now I’m 36 and I’ve had no sex life at all since I was 29 it started when I was 28. I have never cheated on this woman let me say this again I have never cheated on this woman with several opportunities what do I do how do I be good to my child but live the rest of my life without sex because she refuses because of her own personal issues with her weight this is a serious issue with her weight. She has tried every weight program on television far as diets go but never no physical exercise she doesn’t have that in her anymore she is about 285 pounds which is not disastrous but she has no ambition to change for me she has Ambitions to complete some big major things that are wrong she just finished are RN school. I’ve tried talking to her about this numerous times and she just refuses to have a conversation is it time for a divorce
AngMay 10th, 2017 at 2:04 AM
Wow um, whats your back story how did you two fall in love?
It does sound like the relationship is headed to divorce but before you make that conclusion have you communicated with her and asked her why she has not been intimate, if she responded with im to fat or nothing at all maybe try express how sexy she is or how she turns you on and tell her you wish you could have her and walk out playfully frustrated, make her feel special.
Have you also asked if she could have an auto immune disease? This can change a person and especially make it harder to control eating habits or loose weight even when dieting and exercising.
Could it be that maybe she has fallen out of love with you? I know this one is hard but sometimes it is harder to let go then to stay with someone you do not love anymore. You need to confront her and if she dismisses you the only thing left is a ultimatum this only if you want to stay with her then you will know if it is time for divorce or not. If you decide to go with the ultimatum make sure to leave home and give her space to think and if she says she wants to stay then tell her she needs to talk with you that moment about what has been going on the past years no more holding back. But if things do not look up from there I am sorry but its time to consider a divorce so you both can live happier lives.
AnonJanuary 22nd, 2017 at 5:52 PM
It is sadly clear that this man does not understand what LOVE truly is. When you LOVE someone, death is the one thing you can even imagine separating you. If he loved this woman he’d be thinking of all that he could do to help her – she may have a disease like Thyroid disease or a food intolerance. How can he not be doing all he can to help her. If you think of walking away from someone over weight, you don’t love them.
BriannaMay 28th, 2017 at 1:12 AM
“It is sadly clear that this man does not understand what LOVE truly is. When you LOVE someone, death is the one thing you can even imagine separating you. If he loved this woman he’d be thinking of all that he could do to help her – she may have a disease like Thyroid disease or a food intolerance. How can he not be doing all he can to help her. If you think of walking away from someone over weight, you don’t love them.”
Thank you! This is the response I was looking for. THANK YOU.
BriannaMay 28th, 2017 at 1:09 AM
These comments just reassured me of my decision to never get married. God, a bunch of you are so shallow. I’m glad I’ll never have to worry about what a man thinks of my body or how attractive I am. If I had a husband who consistently criticized my weight, it would drive me to eat more and feel horrible about myself. It’s one thing to say, “Hey, I’m concerned about your weight. I love you, and I want you to be healthy.” But it’s another thing to say, “You’re disgusting. I’m not attracted to you anymore. You’re not the woman I married 20+ years ago.” But of course guys don’t have the emotional capacity to say that. They just feel they’re justified in leaving their marriage because of something as superficial as weight. Taking care of yourself is important, I understand that. I agree with that 100%. But giving ultimatums: “You need to lose 30, 50 100 pounds or I’m leaving you.” That just doesn’t sound like love to me, and it sounds so selfish.
kJune 26th, 2017 at 4:37 AM
:) don’t judge everyone by the people on here. If they have issues with a partners weight it means they have issues with their own self confidence. Marraige can strengthen when issues are worked through, we all have them. Don’t let insecure people take you away from the secure ones :)
BrianJune 25th, 2017 at 6:23 PM
My wife is obese, heading towards morbid obese. We have a 2yr old, so I have to stay put until she’s an adult. It has gotten to a point where I’m ashamed to be around her in public. When she bends down, her butt crack shows because no pants can hold it anymore, her tummy has these mega folds of fat & its all over her legs as well. Every time I’ve brought up the weight issue, she’s gotten defensive. So I told myself – you can take the horse to the water, but you can’t make it drink. She, & only she can lose the weight if she wanted to. The fact that she couldn’t in the seven years we’ve been married kinda shows she’s taken the marriage for granted. And no, she’s not depressed. She has just sat around eating stuff more than getting physically active, so the calories have stacked up in her body. Simple Math.
Unable to move out of my marriage(because of a child to raise) & being extremely unhappy about her appearance in public & lack of intimacy as a result (we usually have sex like once in 6 months), I’ve started cheating on her. It broke me at first, but a Man has his needs. You either jerk off in the shower (in true Christian faith, that is cheating too) or for non-believers like myself, AshleyMadison/OkCupid offers an escape, temporarily at least.
To anyone reading this thread, hope you never ever have to go down my path. Set clear expectations & boundaries BEFORE you ‘sign the contract’ (aka – Marriage). Try & love your spouse as much as you can, knowing no one’s perfect – but realize its a two way street.
But since you’re here for similar reasons, I assume – what would you do if you were me?
JamesJune 25th, 2017 at 10:47 PM
From a guy later in life with experience, your best action is to cut the cord. Your most valuable resource is your youth. In 10 years she will be fatter, and you will still be stuck with her with more property to split. This woman is using the child as leverage to live the lifestyle she selfishly wants: You pay the bills, and she eats while watching daytime TV. You can still be a good father while being divorced.
kJune 26th, 2017 at 4:27 AM
Have you asked her whats wrong? is she exhausted? does she find you attractive? has she got post partem depression? is she feeling underworth? if she is defensive there is a reason, people only defend her weakspots. And how do you know she is not depressed. Have you suffered from depression.
in answer to you question, if I were you I would write a letter to yourself. and speak to a doctor about your concern about her and how it is affecting you. Blame isnt going to help, but you have to think of your child. Your marraige is for better or worse figure out the worse. So you never expected this. Did she. People stop living in the real world for reasons, figure out her reason, take the time to go deeper, you will sort out any issues that you and she have (as a couple and as individuals, why are you embarrased, really, what judgements are you reliving, you promised to be there for her struggles, what judgements are you defending yourself from) If you can sort out your issues and realise that you dont belong together it will be better for your child and if you both work through what baggage you are holding onto and let that go then you will be able to build something better. She is important, but discover what is making her gain weight. Write a non judgemental letter, you are able to forgive her for not living up to expectations in your mind. It isnt about you. Its about your child. and your ability to commit to promises, remember you don’t have to be the person who can’t be arsed to fix it. pretending it doesnt exist.
There is an underlying issue there, there is heartbreak there and there is dissapointment there. She was dissapointed in her life with you too, she coped by eating away her problems, you coped by cheating. Step up and take control of yourself, be accountable and speak to a doctor, Gp, counsellor, a spiritual leader (even if your not religeous, they will give you advice that you dont need to pay for, and if they quote scripture figure out how it relates to you) you need impartial advice which lets you focus on how to fix your problems and not harbour resentment. Its not about you its about your child. Be the father you are supposed to be and step up and figure out problems, dont walk away from a happy life by beliveing you are stuck in a ditch. life is full of phases, and you have the power to push through. Focus on getting better, than find out how to achieve it. You can do it. :)
PenchanceJuly 4th, 2017 at 8:47 AM
Until she is an adult? So you have a little girl then. When she gets married in 25 or 30 years, I genuinely hope she ends up with a great guy like you. Conditional love from a man who is too shallow to be seen in public unless she’s a trophy and justifies banging other women because she’s a cow, or because she’s starting to sag or because pregnancy has ruined her breast or her hair starts thinning due illness or age or genetics, or she gets into an accident that disfigures her etc. You know, a great guy like her old man. Well wishes to daddy’s little girl.
DebJune 25th, 2017 at 10:26 PM
Wow – the way you describe your wife publically – its clear why she’s turned to food for comfort. Sounds like you are just looking to justify your infidelity. Good Luck with that.
KyleJune 26th, 2017 at 1:10 PM
I agree with Deb.
You might want to think about those rolls of fat as expressions of sorrow and despair.
There are never any guarantees when you marry.
This situation is an invitation for you to step up and grow. You get to decide which man you want to be.
Kayla B.August 6th, 2017 at 6:19 PM
Love is a choice.
CristinaMarch 8th, 2018 at 6:22 PM
People, it’s not acceptable for one spouse to let themselves go. Do not listen to those women here (I’m a woman too) tell you you’re shallow if you care about how she looks, that “love is a choice” and all that nonsense. It’s nothing but bs. Love is not a choice and neither is physical attraction. And physical attraction is simply esencial to a romantic relationship. If she doesn’t care, then you shouldn’t either. BOTH have to work to make it work.
Don’t let people shame you into staying in a unhappy relationship. Life’s too short for that. Find someone else. Plenty of women do not let themselves go like that.
GMarch 10th, 2018 at 5:43 PM
I can’t imagine how any group therapy session would go well for a man who states that he has a problem with his wife’s fat and is no longer attracted to her. Can anyone seriously not be attacked by every woman in that session?
I have also had the fat discussion with my current wife, even back when we were dating. “Just give me 6 more months” she said, timing it perfectly to our wedding date. I was a complete idiot to think anything would change. I met her at a time in my life when I was depressed and having no luck pursuing women I wanted. I just didn’t want to live my life alone anymore. So I settled. I know that was a mistake, but I couldn’t help but feel she was a good match for me, or at least the best I could find. I have changed in many ways over the years, but I still can’t help but wonder what life would have been like if I had kept looking. I met a young woman several years ago that took my breath away. She was pretty, funny, and I was drawn to her so fast. We only knew each other for a few weeks, and in that time I was both ready to leave my wife and child for her and terrified she would ask me to leave them for her. I asked her “where have you been all my life?” and she said “why didn’t you wait?” It was 5 years into my marriage, and she broke it off suddenly when I made a comment about my wife’s fat and her mother’s size. It turns out my new girlfriend had had a weight problem for years until recently. A few months after she stopped talking to me I noticed she had become very fat. I struggled with this, my wife found out about her, and it changed our marriage forever. I suppose this was karma’s way of punishing me.
I have tried very hard to be understanding about my wife’s size and lack of interest with exercise, but it has been difficult. There are several other aspects of her personality I do not enjoy, and I do wish sometimes I had paid attention to them before the marriage, but people keep that a secret if they are desperate to have someone. The irony is that we are both afraid to be alone, but both unwilling to do anything about it.
I have been going to the gym regularly for the last several years. It has helped with stress at work, and helps me feel better about myself. I gave up waiting for her to start with me. A few times women have approached me, and I have both enjoyed that and kept things from progressing to an affair. I do not consider myself a hot guy but everyone needs to feel wanted.
We have two great kids and I can’t leave them. I am very glad years ago I didn’t decide to leave my family for my new girlfriend. Not because she also became fat, but because I have made a commitment to my children as well. I am trapped. At the same time I understand that I am too old (late 40’s) to start over, and that divorce can affect my daughter much more severely than my son.
My point here is if you know you are desperate, do not settle. Eventually your needs become more important to you. Do not marry someone because you don’t want to be alone. Do not marry someone because people pressure you or because your other friends are getting married. Do not marry someone if you are too superficial to understand true commitment. At the same time, it is ok to demand what you need to be happy. You only live once, and if you can’t treat your spouse with respect out of bitterness, then do something about it so you can both live in peace. If that means therapy, make that step. If it means supporting your spouse and encouraging them, do it but don’t become a drill sergeant or expect progress immediately. Find a hobby, to help fulfill you. But don’t give them an ultimatum. That became moot when you married, especially if you have children. But if (in a small percentage of cases) you are so frustrated and feel like you are deprived, you have the right to walk away. But just remember that you have to own up to that choice, whether it means losing friendships, favor in your own family, or resentment from children. Take responsibility for that decision, and do NOT create drama and blame-shifting to remain the good guy. You have to be an adult and separate any of this from your children. Sure, their daddy (or mommy) will be the bad guy for a while, but time and perseverance will help rebuild those relationships.
We do live in a superficial and throwaway society, and some of that may be giving us unrealistic expectations. I truly wonder if our grandparents’ generation had any of these same problems, when it wasn’t so easy to rely on social media to hook up, or be exposed to so many of the opposite sex at work.
MikeJune 14th, 2018 at 7:34 AM
I love my wife – truly do – but when I married her she was 5’4″ 115 now she is 5’4″ 220 as for me, when I got married i was 6″3″ 225 physically fit – today 25 years later 6’3″ 229 2 inch smaller waist – I encourage to get some exercise – eat better etc…. hey lets go for a walk – I cook for her I sup;port her – and YET she does NOTHING that show s me she cares about my feelings – truth is if she doesn’t care about it she is not Honoring you , Cherishing you, respecting you – she is breaking vows to you – so yes you ARE justified in leaving if you have done everything to encourage your spouse and yet they continue to self destruct – VOWS are NOT a jail sentence
TedJuly 4th, 2018 at 8:26 AM
My wife and I will be celebrating our 35th year of marriage later this year. When both of us were in college, we were both trim and fit and we were healthy eaters before that became popular. Then “life” happened. After 3 difficult pregnancies and my wife suffering the loss of both of her parents shortly after our 3rd child, she has gained a considerable amount of weight and has been around 375 lbs for quite some time. I love my wife dearly and her size has not diminished my love for her. I fell in love with a person, a personality, someone who loves me and the size of her body has nothing to do with my love for her. I still think she is a beautiful person and can’t believe some of the comments about husbands wanting to leave their wife because of their weight.
jackOctober 20th, 2019 at 2:13 AM
Some people don’t like the change. You apparently don’t mind. Do you feel all men and women should do what you think is best? Would you accept another person’s preference without judgement?
TJNovember 15th, 2019 at 5:53 AM
That is how you feel…I don’t have the right to tell you how to feel but I find it very odd. She is choosing to be morbidly obese, we all know it is a huge health risk also it greatly restricts what she can and cannot do in life, her mood, energy level. For MOST men it would greatly diminish their physical attraction for her….she might still be a great person and friend but for many that does not translate to “d*** I want some of that”. I recognize that there are many people that do not need a strong sex life…it’s imortant to some but not others.
I feel she is disrespecting you by choosing to be so big.
TedNovember 23rd, 2019 at 9:48 AM
I totally understand what you are saying. Each person is different and many men would not like their wives at the weight mine is. Would it be better for her health if she lost weight, of course it would. Our sex life is great and I love her as she is.
DonMay 26th, 2019 at 2:14 PM
Seriously can’t believe Sarah completely brushed off the question: “do i leave her do i dont”…. It’s basically a yes or no question. All you have to do is say “Yes, you should stay and here’s why:” and go on with all the other gibberish that is completely irrelevant to the poster’s question.
Reality_bitesMay 27th, 2019 at 1:26 PM
Just keep cheating on her until she gets the point.
MayJune 28th, 2019 at 1:25 PM
This is strange to me. I am a woman who’s BMI is within a healthy range. When I gain 10 lbs my husband tells me – I lose it. Done. When he does, I let him know – he loses it. Life goes on. We have a great sex life that we would never have without PHYSICAL ATTRACTION. Yes, even for a woman to be able to sex (that is not PAINFUL), she has to LIKE what she sees. Even more important for a man obviously. Why on earth is this considered shameful or shallow? If you KNOW you are doing something that is turning your spouse off that is WELL within your grasps to change – why on EARTH would you not? I am 46 years old and even have a fat gene in my family so I have to work extra hard. I have a hot husband who treats me like a queen and it’s worth it to keep myself up. Not just for him but for myself.
JoAnneJuly 1st, 2019 at 1:06 PM
Hi everyone. I posted in January 2017, about my longterm boyfriend losing his attraction to me over weight gain. He did end up leaving me, in April 2018. Over the phone. One day after meeting somebody else, who he ended up dating for three months. A few days after she dumped him, he moved on to someone else, who he has now been with for almost a year.
I cannot express the hurt of this situation, because I did ultimately lose all of the weight (and more) that my partner objected to. In retrospect, he put me through hell for reasons unrelated to my weight, and left me for reasons unrelated to my weight. I’ve found out that he cheated on everyone he was with before me, including on his wife during business trips, with prostitutes. When I confronted him about that, he told me it didn’t count as cheating if you paid for it. I found out he physically assaulted a woman he’d been dating/using, dragged her out of his house by her hair, when she came over one night and found him in bed with somebody else. I always knew he had a hairtrigger temper, but when you love somebody you have blinders on. I met him when I was a kid and loved him my whole adult life. Because I talked to his exes and exposed what he did to me, he has ghosted me and I probably will never see or speak to him again. But this too says more about him than me. He had no remorse for hurting me, no shame for mistreating me and others – just anger at having been found out. I have no idea whether his current relationship will last, whether he will treat her better than me, whether he only mistreated me out of frustration over the years because he didn’t want to be with me – but I know my weight turned out to be an excuse for him, a justification for leaving me. Of course, he couldn’t tell people he left me over my weight gain, and because he wanted to sleep with other people. So instead he told people I was a Facebook and email hacker, and an insecure, jealous girlfriend.
I don’t wish this nightmare on anyone. I wasted my whole adult life loving, missing, waiting for, being used and crushed by this man.
In closing, I still believe attraction is important in a relationship. We do need to constantly prioritize the needs of our partners, and we do need to be the best versions of ourselves. If someone’s weight gain is truly a dealbreaker, and you truly feel they are being complacent about losing it, love them enough to be honest, leave them before moving on to another relationship. Don’t be abusive, don’t be unfaithful. And if you see them making a legitimate effort to lose weight or to get and stay fit, for YOU, be patient. Not everybody loses weight at the same pace. If someone is doing everything they should be to lose weight, and you leave them or cheat on them because of their weight gain – you ARE superficial and you ARE cruel and you SHOULD BE ashamed.
I will never be able to trust anyone ever again because of my experience with this man. I thought he was my best friend. I thought I was with my life mate. Please don’t cause that kind of hurt to another human being. It’s just not necessary.
adamAugust 27th, 2019 at 3:07 AM
160 to 380 is a deal-breaker to me. And to all of you saying she might be depressed, or have that gene, or whatever: what if it was the guy who went from the 190 he said he was to 410 pounds? And then refused to lose weight? Having worked in the restaurant industry for over twenty years I can tell you every single time it’s a food issue, not a genetic issue. I owned a restaurant for a few years, as well. I never saw those fat customers who I knew were single and living alone get a sensible meal. Always the wrong stuff in excess along with several 2 liter bottles of coke, which is never good for you. You want healthy fizz go for either seltzer or sparkling water. That’s it. I don’t trust any of that sweetened sparkling stuff. Even if it claims to be zero calorie. But, yeah, 220 pounds is asking too much of the other person. What if instead of eating it was the guy and his self-esteem issues made him cheat: would you tell her to stick with him and work it out? Being that fat your health is at risk and others if you fall on them.
MarkSeptember 30th, 2019 at 10:50 PM
I think this goes both ways. However, seeing this original question was brought up by a man about his women, I see a lot of women spring to his wife’s defense. One erroneous comment was, well my husband had cancer and I stuck with him through 17 years of him being sick. Cancer largely is not a choice. Weight loss mostly is (except for medical conditions). Getting large is not only a turn off for both men and women, seeing that it is a choice and a result of the choices they are making (food choices, snacks, not working out) perhaps you can look at it as both not respecting themselves as well as not respecting their partner. And as another comment suggested, that is a disconnect in the relationship. The man or woman in question is off living their life stuffing their face and not exercising even in the face of their partner backing off sex or complaining about the weight gain. And when you cross 250-275 its going to start health issues that can affect the families finances and relationships. Ladies: if you are in shape and keep it together do you want to show up to picnics and family events and social occasions with a 345 lb husband? Some would answer for the sake of argument, well if I loved him I wouldn’t mind. Really? The sex is still hot? How about when you look at a ripped pool boy cleaning your pool in the backyard?
You see there is three main parts to a relationship: Spiritual, Mental and Physical. If any one of those is missing, you dont have a relationship that is a solid wife/husband relationship. With just Spiritual and Mental, you have a brother-sister situation, like roommates. With just a Spiritual and Physical, you are probably having sex with someone way younger than you or not the sharpest tool in the shed. Kind of like when a 50 year old is dating a 24 year old looker. With just a Mental and Physical relationship, the person you are with is attractive and smart, just on a totally different path than you in life and at some point will diverge from yours.
We have two sides to us: the basic animal that likes when bodies are toned and hot (which produces amazing sex where you are clawing at each other) and the other side to us that is more higher brain orientated that just is not only looking for the physical. We want both.
When you throw on 100-200 pounds you are causing the Physical part of the Spiritual/Mental/Physical aspect in the Man-Woman relationship to disappear. Then what do you have. Discord. This is about the partner that gained the weight. They need to work on that. Find out why, how, what is happening in the relationship that they need to put on that weight if its behavioral or if they just like to eat and not exercise. If both partners together do not work on this and one partner decides to live separately with a disconnect and continue to be large or keep gaining, well then you don’t have a relationship and its over.
jackOctober 20th, 2019 at 1:59 AM
I would leave immediately. Don’t waste time. This does not mean you do not love her as much as she loves being morbidly obese. This is beyond an additional 10 lbs. You can always be great friends – let her be free if she wants and you should be free too. You can still be in love with her, but at least you don’t have to come home to the double standard. Let her find someone that is also morbidly obese.
DonovanNovember 11th, 2019 at 5:22 PM
Ive realized with my own wife that its not easy and that the older she gets the harder it is for her, I found that when I stopped harping on weight loss and just started reminding her often of how much I loved her, that it motivated her to get it done on her own. she used the cinderella method and it worked for her. All im saying is that threats and ultimatums wont get it done, this is a marraige not the military.
JudyNovember 15th, 2019 at 6:31 AM
To all the men here feeling sorry for themselves because they have an overweight wife: Yes, please leave your wifes and fiancees because they deserve better!! Are you a bad person for liking what you like? No! Are you a bad person for showing now empathy, trying to rid of the person you promised to love in good and bad times? Absolutely! We all have been provided with a brain to think not just our basic primal urges. Women – especially the ones who carried YOUR baby – will eventually gain some weight. The ones that don’t are incredibly lucky. Nobody wants to be fat – to the guy who lost 20 lb in a month, that would not happen to a woman. Womens biological make-up is quite different to men’s. What have you done to show her love and encourage her to lose weight other than making nasty comments and fawning over skinny 18 year old’s who just happen to be young, childless and have little stress to deal with? Many thing can lead to people becoming overweight and seemingly lazy. Number one reason is being depressed and stressed – and having a husband like that is probably one of the main reasons why they become stressed an depressed. Even if you say nothing, don’t you think your wife knows what you are really like? Please do humankind a favour and don’t get yourself into a relationship. You don’t understand women and have no desire to do so. You don’t deserve the kind of woman you are after. Of course there are golddiggers out there – but hey, she can’t help liking what she likes (I am being sarcastic here…). If you gain your self-worth only from the money you earn and 130 lb arm candy then I have not much hope for you. Any hot, sexy woman you could possibly get will eventually get old and probably also gain a few pounds – especially if you treat her the same way.
MarkNovember 18th, 2019 at 1:09 PM
That’s just one excuse after another. Having kids is not an excuse, getting older is not an excuse. Saying women cant lose 20 pounds in a month is also another excuse. I’ve known plenty of women who are older who aren’t overweight. I’ve known plenty of women who have more than 4 or 5 children that did not gain extra weight from their pregnancies.
So stop with the excuses. Its a choice. Just admit it. People are fat because they chose to be fat and stay fat. If it wasn’t a choice then every women who is older or had children would be fat, but they arent.
MarkNovember 18th, 2019 at 11:49 AM
If your wife has gained more than 50 pounds, you have to leave her. Gaining 50+ pounds is a sign of trouble. It is no different than you wife becoming an addict. They chose to eat. They chose to stay fat. You didnt. You have to leave otherwise you will follow in her footsteps due to losing hope and the will to be better and do better.
Someone who gains 50+ pounds is showing the sign that they have given up on themselves and their relationships. When weight of this magnitude is put on it leads to very serious long term health consequences not only for that person but for the other spouse that will have to deal with as well.
You cannot make someone lose weight. You cannot make someone want to be fit and healthy. They have to choose it. And if they arent choosing it and instead choose to let the relationship suffer, then dont feel bad for leaving. People arent stupid. They know, deep down, what is right and what is wrong. They know what are and arent deal-breakers in relationships. Gaining double your body weight is a no-brainer. Its a deal-breaker for more than 95% of the population. She knows what she is doing, and she is choosing to do it on purpose.
She is not the person you married. You are not obliged to stick with someone who changed drastically in a negative way. Replace the word “food” with “opiates”, does that make her addiction sound worse or better? Both are the same. Lead to the same outcome in the end. Would you stay with your wife if she became a serious opiate addict that never went to rehab or cared to stop?
KellieNovember 22nd, 2019 at 10:37 AM
As I am reading through the comments here, I am reminded of the darker side of humanity. Truly, I am saddened for the bulk of people who posted unkind comments about their spouses as well as the people who agreed that “divorce” is the only choice. All of this hinges on what people feel they deserve. As if their spouse is a piece of property they purchased, rather than a life partner.
So, clearly, what seems to be missing here is empathy. It’s amazing what we human beings can be empathetic toward and what triggers our apathy. Obesity seems like one of those things that trigger apathy, rather than empathy. Also, don’t misunderstand that empathy = enabling, because it doesn’t. You can empathize with someone and still want them to be healthier. If you truly love someone, the bottom line here should be their health first and foremost. To these people who have such negativity towards obesity, I ask you this — what have you done to support your spouse’s endeavors to be healthier? Are you working on the issue together as a family unit or berating your spouse for not living up to the standards that you set? Are you being the person your spouse needs and wants? I mean, we all have our crosses to bear, right? Someone can check all of the boxes for perfect health, perfect job, tons of money, etc. and still be the most egotistical, selfish, and unkind person on the planet.
Obesity is a disease and a complicated one at that. Bottom line, I hope your spouses get the love and support they need to be healthier.
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