How Do I Succeed in Drug Rehab and Reconnect with My Son?

I have a lot of issues, but my major issue is disconnection with my 8-year-old son. I have not had any relationship or contact with him for two years. I am awaiting residential treatment for drug addiction, and I am very scared. I have been reading about a lot of failed rehab attempts at getting sober, and I guess my question is: Why is treatment for drug addiction not working for so many people, and what is the average success rate in completing a program? What are the steps you must take once you're done with treatment and back home? I understand that it doesn't just take a program to gain sobriety and that there are other factors at play. —Discouraged
Dear Discouraged,

Thanks for your question. And congratulations on your decision to get sober and go to treatment. I dare say it’s probably the best decision anyone in your position could ever make for themselves. It’s also understandable that you have questions about your son, what happens after treatment, what are your chances, and so forth.

Statistics are notoriously tricky with something like recovery because various studies have resulted in wildly varying numbers. There are also many differentiating factors involved—such as co-existing struggles with depression, anxiety, posttraumatic stress, and so forth, not to mention age, number of attempts at sobriety, and legal consequences—that I think we have to take things on a case-by-case basis. The key factor in success is consistency and follow-up: pilots, nurses, and doctors, for instance, are often highly motivated to stay sober because their licenses and livelihoods depend on it. Often such professionals are required to stay in monitoring programs and outpatient treatment, which usually includes random urine screens, Alcoholics Anonymous, and/or therapy attendance, etc.

Not only am I personally clean and sober for 15-plus years (and grateful for it), but as a former residential counselor, I helped hundreds of people get clean and prepare for life after rehab, in terms of meetings, sponsors, therapy, psychiatry, urinalysis, coaching, outpatient programs, and other possibilities. There is an exploding treatment “industry” with mostly sober individuals who have devoted themselves to helping others find the sometimes difficult but much more rewarding life they, too, have found.

My experience is that the first half of rehab is about detoxing and functioning sober, while the second half is largely about preparing for a newly sober life. Ideally you will want to start talking about your “sobriety plan” halfway through treatment. You might ask for help finding regular meetings, perhaps a sponsor (who is ideally also a parent), and possibly an outpatient program (which some residential programs encourage or offer). Is counseling or psychiatric help indicated? If so, how can you connect with a good professional who is affordable? In your case, perhaps some family therapy may be advisable. Your job is to be honest about what you need, and the rehab provider’s job is to connect you with resources and collaborate on a workable blueprint for your new way of life. Don’t be afraid to be the squeaky wheel if you’re not getting these things. They are essential.

As for what leads to successfully staying sober, my observations corroborate what is presented in much of the 12-step literature, especially the AA “Big Book,” which says in effect that we stay sober by practicing the “HOW” principles of honesty, open-mindedness, and willingness. Can we be completely honest—perhaps emotionally vulnerable is another way to put it—in stating we need help, that we can no longer consistently control our behavior and cannot stop by ourselves; can we stay open-minded in thinking “outside the box” and considering new ideas, required given the cunning nature of addictive thought processes; and, finally, are we willing to do the relatively simple but emotionally challenging things required to stay sober, such as attend regular meetings, call our sponsor and sometimes tell on ourselves, work the steps the best we can, etc.? Sobriety is a new perspective, an outlook and a way of life, just as drinking or using drugs was. Coming “out of the closet” as an addicted person is scary but can also be exciting and, in the long run, quite liberating.

Not to be glib, but many people struggle with sobriety because they would rather, for a variety of reasons, drink or use. It is said that people with alcoholism are excellent sprinters, but sobriety is a marathon. Patience—not exactly in abundance while we’re still drinking—requires daily practice.

Not to be glib, but many people struggle with sobriety because they would rather, for a variety of reasons, drink or use. It is said that people with alcoholism are excellent sprinters, but sobriety is a marathon. Patience—not exactly in abundance while we’re still drinking—requires daily practice. We are on a new kind of clock now, one we can’t control. Still, there has never been a better time to be sober, given the abundance of recovery consciousness in our culture: online, in the 12-step community, in films, television, and music, and so forth.

I can’t encourage you highly enough to develop a three- or, preferably, six-month after-care plan for yourself. Another major factor contributing to long-term success is outpatient or counseling services after rehab—the longer the better. Those who stay with continued support, post-rehab, greatly improve their chances. Most of the people I’ve worked with for this issue have found that continued engagement with newly sober peers preserves a sense of community and belonging—which is crucial—and accountability to others, where one feels a part of a recovery “team,” with members cheering each other on. One recovery slogan says, “Don’t sit in the stands, get on the field.”

Additionally, counseling—most cities have low-cost addiction treatment resources available, if finances are a concern—can help with the underlying challenges that often accompany addiction, such as depression, anxiety, insomnia, PTSD, as well as parenting or family conflicts. Physical and emotional withdrawal can often be painful, but it needn’t be impossible if non-addictive support is available via counseling or psychiatry. As always, work closely with a doctor who specializes in addiction.

Lastly, let’s talk about your main concern in regard to your son. Although it would be helpful to have more information about your specific situation, I would try to wait before making major decisions regarding that relationship. This is analogous to what we’re told on airplanes: stabilize yourself with oxygen before attending to your loved one. There is so much to be written about this, but the main point is that as a parent you set the tone and model a way of living, behaving, and relating to others. How you live sober is the most important “message” you can send.

Some children will be spiteful, angry, anxious, loving, quiet, withdrawn … all things are possible, and it usually doesn’t go the way we expect. Keep in mind that things will not change automatically simply because you’re sober. Repairing relationships is a slow, sometimes awkward process, and is not to be rushed. Certainly, action speaks louder than words.

While you’re in rehab, talk it over with your counselor in the context of the support you need to maintain sobriety. A very general rule of thumb in the recovery community is, “Don’t make any major changes in your first year.” Meaning your second or third month sober may not be the time to change careers, negotiate new custody agreements, and so forth. Sometimes it can’t be helped, but waiting is often better.

This is not to counsel you to avoid making contact with your son. Reuniting with him with a counselor present may be the appropriate plan. For some, the joy of a renewed relationship brings inspiration; for others, the guilt or shame is too overwhelming for one’s infant sobriety. The key, again, is to consult your support team and other sober parents, and reflect on it as best you can.

Again, I congratulate you on this brave step and wish you all the best of success. Work your program and stick with it. Life can only be lived, for all of us, a day at a time.

Best wishes,
Darren