How Can We Convince My Sister to Dump Her Loser Boyfriend?
Dear Big Brother,
I hear your love and concern for your sister. There is nothing more painful than watching someone you love make choices you believe are harmful. Unfortunately, they are her choices. You will not get anywhere with your sister if you lecture her about the choices she is making. Letting her know (directly or indirectly) you think her boyfriend is a “loser” will most likely only serve to distance her from you and strengthen her bond to him. It also makes it less likely she would confide in you if she did have misgivings about her relationship or her choices; nobody wants to hear “I told you so” from anyone, particularly family.
At 19, your sister is technically an adult. You characterize her behavior as stubborn. That feeling may be contributing to a dynamic that makes her believe you and your parents don’t respect her, don’t see her as a capable adult, and don’t understand her needs. Given that dynamic, of course she isn’t going to listen to you. She may insist on sticking to her (destructive) choices just to prove her independence. As long as you continue to approach her with opposition, little is likely to improve. Also, even if you were successful in “getting rid” of the boyfriend, that is no guarantee her life choices would improve.
May I suggest you reach out to her from a different place? Listen to her. Find out from her what works for her in her relationship. What draws her to her boyfriend?
May I suggest you reach out to her from a different place? Listen to her. Find out from her what works for her in her relationship. What draws her to her boyfriend? Let her know you aren’t trying to “meddle”; you are just trying to understand her choices. Lead from a place of love and compassion, not judgment and fear. You can also ask her if she’d be willing to engage in family therapy with you and your parents to see about changing your family dynamic, independent of the boyfriend.
The drug use is absolutely a concern. Not only are there potential physical, financial, and legal ramifications for what she is doing, but emotionally, it is likely distancing her more from you and your parents and connecting her more to her boyfriend as well as impacting her ability to make effective choices. Working with a family therapist and an addiction specialist (with or without your sister) can help you identify some effective intervention strategies. Attending a Nar-Anon meeting could also shed some light (again, with or without your sister).
Best of luck,
Erika
Erika Myers
- 14 comments
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ellen
December 18th, 2015 at 1:15 PMUnfortunately this is something that your sister is going to have to realize on her own. One day he will do something so terrible to her that she will understand where all of you are coming from but until she can actually see that for herself, I think that you have to give up. His time will come, just maybe not as quickly as you would want.
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Milly
December 19th, 2015 at 7:12 AMI have to say that I usually love the good therapy posts, but this one upsets me quite a bit. The original letter is extremely judgmental and by calling the sister’s boyfriend a “loser”, only serves to perpetuate the stigma with regard to substance abuse. If the writer of the letter considers the boyfriend a “loser” because he’s making bad choices and doing heroin, then, using those standards, her sister is a “loser” as well. As a therapist it is clear that people make bad choices because of underlying issues that need to be resolved, and to call anyone a loser is judgmental and against the fundamental values of therapy. I am disappointed that the response to this letter did not address this issue at all. The writer’s sister is a perfect example of how a vulnerable person can get involved in drugs. The sister’s boyfriend was not born a heroin addict. He, too, was vulnerable at one point and succumbed to the drug. I’m not objecting to the idea at all that the sister and her boyfriend should not be together, and I agree with your suggestions on how to approach the situation. I am just very disappointed that this letter would be posted without addressing the stigma and judgment of the writer.
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Kimberly
December 21st, 2015 at 2:46 PMHave you thought about trying to get her into a rehab facility? With the drugs and him in her life I don’t think that there will be any way that you can convince her that she needs to make some serious life changes. The heroin is what I would most worry about but I know that being with this guy is only fanning the flames of her addiction. I am so sorry that you are having to watch someone that you love throw their life away on this
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Lora
December 22nd, 2015 at 2:41 PMI would hate to think that there was a part of her that was doing all of this as a way to rebel against you and other family members. That would never be healthy for anyone.
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MsBrown
December 26th, 2015 at 1:37 PMThis has to hurt so much to see your sister living this kind of life with addiction. There is hope out there and I know it because I have witnessed many friends come off of drugs. It will be a challenge for her but she is so lucky to have so many people who care about her standing with and behind her. It is always good to know that there is someone out there who has your back when you are getting ready to take on something this big.
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Jada
December 28th, 2015 at 5:27 PMwe all hit these walls in our lives.
‘hers seems a little more serious than some
nut that does not mean that it is insurmountable
the struggle might be greater
and the fight a little harder
but if she is ready and he is ready they can both change for the better -
Florence
December 30th, 2015 at 12:35 PMum, she does realize that typically working full time in a department store and doing drugs on the side are two things that typically do not go together very well?
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Jason F
January 5th, 2016 at 10:53 AMI have been through this same thing before, thinking that I knew what was best for my sister and that she had no idea what she was doing .
Now granted, having a drug problem is a lot more serious than what we faced, but I think that in some ways part of it is the same because you have to know that no matter which direction you push the chance is pretty good that she will push back the other way.
No one wants to have yo u tell them what to do, you just have to pray and hope that eventually she will see that she is doing bad things for her life. And that the only way out is to give that up. -
Also a Big Brother
January 13th, 2018 at 10:47 PMI am so sorry to hear that Big Brother. I am also in a very similar predicament with my sister, except my situation is MUCH less dire and we have a little more control over the situation. Don’t worry, many feel for you bro, and I’ve had to painfully watch my sister get super obsessed with a guy who is submissively pushing boundaries that have been firmly set by our family and is continuing to do so. The best thing I’ve learned from situations like ours, is that we need to be compassionate towards our sisters and give them our unconditional love and support in whatever troubles they may face. You may never approve of what is necessarily going on, but in due time and with as much patience as you can muster, she will turn to you, tell you her worries and trust you to be that reliable big brother that she thought had given up on her but was in fact waiting with his arms open the whole time. If you haven’t already, give her a little space; and remind her every so often that you love her and you care for her. Because in this world of both tumultuous chaos, and combined beauty and creativity we can only do what we can to save those we love from the harmful despair and damage of things like drug abuse amongst other harmful practices. Just be there, help her and pray for her and I wish you all the best.
From a brother to a brother, I feel u bro 😌 -
Brooklyn R.
December 19th, 2018 at 4:06 PMi hate my boyfriend and i don’t realize it, but all of my friends hate him and its only us that loves us together. I just feel bad for him to be honest.
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Liz
October 10th, 2019 at 3:59 PMMy sister is still with her bf. Its been 3 months and he tried to have you know what with her. I told her to break up with him because he is no good for her. He brought my sister into drugs. She starts cussing at my dad. He makes fun of me because im fat. I know my sister deserves better.
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Aisah
April 16th, 2020 at 9:01 AMi had the same situation as liz :( i
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Brenda
January 9th, 2023 at 4:07 PMThat she is so much young to have a boyfriend
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slvy
September 26th, 2023 at 8:22 PMwhat do I do? My sister is dating some drop out and he keeps being immature and not mentally well and she does the same thing not being mature and yes she’s still young, she’s 14. My parents noticed and tried to help but when they do she gets upset, she’s still with him and it’s almost like his parents brainwashed her because even if she wants to leave, his mom continuously insists they are good for each other when in reality that’s not the case, I have to watch it all play out, and watch and hear him whine for her not to leave and she always stays even WHEN he breaks certain things they got together. He’s 18 and very immature and I’m worried and afraid she may be so different in a negative way by the time she leaves him or if he does. He ‘s always with her like some
weird baby always and always kissing even when I’m in our room she ALWAYS keeps him in for more then 15 minutes and I have to wait before I could change or shower or really even do anything because if I have a conversation with her and tease her IN a playful way, she always tries to impress him by basically acting like a pick me and is always mouthing and eating his face when me and my sisters or family members are around ( AND IT DOESNT EVEN MATTER WHICH ONES)
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