How Can I Deal with a Coworker I Hate?

Dear GoodTherapy.org,

Please help me figure out how to keep my sanity around this person I have to encounter every day at work. You know how some personalities just don’t match? Well, I guess this is a case of that—to an extreme. I have an uncontrollable, visceral reaction to this guy who makes me feel angry, sick to my stomach, even violent. The worst part is, he doesn’t even do anything wrong, from a human resources or company policy perspective. He just grates on every last nerve I have, from an annoying whistle to weird touching (again, not anything strictly inappropriate, but an elbow nudge after a joke, for instance). He has to insert himself in every conversation, make interjections, and relate everything back to his kids and family.

Unfortunately, he’s completely beloved by everyone else in our department. Everyone seems charmed by him but me. I can’t get away from him because of our communal office environment, and his antics are starting to affect my work. Even my home life suffers a bit because I end up going home and complaining to my wife so much.

There’s only so much I can do to avoid him or distract myself, and our work policies prevent us from doing much to personalize our environment. I can’t go to our human resources department to complain about things that are clearly just personality differences. I can’t address this guy directly, because it’s unreasonable to say, “Hey, please tone down 90% of who you are and change your (admittedly harmless) habits.” I can’t leave the premises, and I most definitely cannot quit this job altogether. So I’m left gritting my teeth and just taking as many deep breaths as I possibly can.

Since there’s probably no way of addressing this externally, is there any way I can internally deal with this person? Any tips you have are welcome. Thanks. —Uncharmed

Dear Uncharmed,

It sounds like you have a pretty good handle on the situation in that you understand that even though this person really annoys you, he isn’t actually doing anything “wrong.” It also sounds like you understand you need to look inward in order to better understand what is going on for you and cope with it.

I think one of the first things to do is to look at this person and the feelings he evokes in you and see if anything feels familiar about it. Does he remind you of someone? Do the feelings he evokes remind you of feelings you’ve had in the past? Sometimes when we have a really outsized reaction to someone, it is less about the person and more about what they represent to us. Spend some time trying to reflect on who or what he might represent to you and see what comes up for you.

Sometimes when we have a really outsized reaction to someone, it is less about the person and more about what they represent to us.

It is also possible there is something about him that creates some jealousy for you. You indicate he is “completely beloved” by everyone else in the department. I wonder what that feels like for you. Do you feel like you are not perceived the same way by your colleagues? Do you wish you were as “beloved” as he seems to be? Does he have an ease in connecting with people that you do not have? It can be difficult to consider ways in which you might be jealous of someone who irritates you to your core, but it is certainly something worth considering as you try to figure this out.

Perhaps some reflection on the aforementioned things will help you to gain a deeper understanding of what it is about this man that affects you to such a strong degree. If so, simply having some awareness about what is going on could help in lessening the impact.

If you don’t come up with anything, or if you do but the awareness alone doesn’t offer any relief, you may find it valuable to seek therapy. A therapist could help you to uncover the underlying reasons someone might evoke such strong negative feelings in you, when others seem to like him so much. Beyond uncovering the reasons, a therapist can help you to identify some strategies and coping skills to make you more comfortable in his presence.

Kindly,

Sarah

Sarah Noel

Sarah Noel, MS, LMHC is a licensed psychotherapist living and working in Brooklyn, New York. She specializes in working with people who are struggling through depression, anxiety, trauma, and major life transitions. She approaches her work from a person-centered perspective, always acknowledging the people she works with as experts on themselves. She is honored and humbled on a daily basis to be able to partner with people at such critical points in their unique journeys.