A Call for Help Adjusting from the Military to Civilian Life

I recently separated from the Air Force after six years of service (that included two combat deployments) and I’m not adjusting well to the civilian world. My deployments were to relatively safe areas in Afghanistan doing a desk job, so I don’t think I’m suffering from PTSD, but my transition out of the military has been terrible. I don’t get along with any of my new civilian coworkers, I’ve been fighting with my family since I got out, and I’m constantly struggling with a strong urge to go back in—and I still might do it. My new job provides mental health benefits and I tried talking to a couple therapists about it thinking I was just depressed, but I’ve found the civilian therapists are clueless when it comes to what it’s like to be in or get out of the military. Do you have any advice for finding a military-friendly therapist or what I should look for if I decide to give it another shot? Also, what can I do to relate better to the civilians I feel so separated from? I don’t have any friends outside the Air Force, I don’t like associating with anyone that isn’t in the military or a veteran, and I feel completely alone out here in the civilian world. Sending a request for help. —Anxious Airman
Dear Anxious Airman,

Thanks for writing in, and thank you for your service. I can only imagine the difficulty of transitioning from being in the service overseas to civilian life. I’m curious as to why, if indeed you are more comfortable in the service—and considering that you were fortunate to have relatively safe assignments—you felt motivated to leave the service. Was or is there pressure of some kind—family, romantic partner, financial—to leave and rejoin civilian life? I wondered if this pressure, perhaps, was/is contributing to the agitation and what sounds like anxiety or need for distance from other civilians. For you, perhaps forming friendships with them would signify that you are definitely out of the military, and you’re not sure you want to be … ?

I am sure, regardless, that this challenge is more common than you realize—as is the case with every emotional or psychological challenge I come across. I, for one, see this as both a specific (in terms of leaving the military) and existentially human problem, in that many folks find social connection challenging for any number of reasons. The good news is, you’re smart enough to see it as a challenge and reach out for some help. That’s not necessarily easy to do, but it tells me you are seeking some kind of guidance and connection with others which is a very healthy impulse indeed. This also tells me you have the inner resource to overcome your challenge and find an answer. Quite often, it is in the seeking and not the finding that answers form.

My first point is practical: Have you contacted the VA or other agencies that might help you find the right counselor? I’m going to include links to three agencies I found whose mission statements include a commitment to help veterans find appropriate help. The first link here is the VA’s resource page for mental health, followed by links to two other agencies that were recommended by colleagues:

• U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs: http://www.mentalhealth.va.gov/
• Military with PTSD: http://www.militarywithptsd.org/
• Health.mil: http://www.health.mil/socialmedia

If I were your counselor or therapist, I would want to know what is symbolized or “metaphorical,” psychologically, about your return to civilian life—is it frightening or unnerving or unwanted for a reason that has emotional resonance for you?

Second, there is something paradoxical in your dilemma, in that you sound isolated and (perhaps) lonely, and yet you also state you “don’t like associating” with civilians. Again, I don’t have too much to go on, but instinct tells me you have a need to be understood and that need, understandably enough, is probably best met by those who can share your experience in the military. Which, again, leads me to wonder if the issue isn’t about leaving (or staying) in the service. Did something happen during your tour of duty that left you unsatisfied, so that returning to civilian life feels frustrating or premature? Did you want to form more military friendships but for some reason it didn’t happen? Was there a special friend you had to leave behind? Are there difficult feelings about having had a desk job that remain unresolved? Is it also possible you miss something about the military: the structure, the clear chain of command, the sense of duty and fulfillment?

If I were your counselor or therapist, I would want to know what is symbolized or “metaphorical,” psychologically, about your return to civilian life—is it frightening or unnerving or unwanted for a reason that has emotional resonance for you? For example, let’s say you had an attachment to the service as a kind of “home” and then had to leave that home in a way that paralleled earlier experiences, such as being away from home as a child in a way that was painful or sad; this might provoke current stress or anxiety over psychologically reexperiencing loss. Maybe this is why you are (from what I gather) ambivalent about forming friendships with civilians; being lonely sucks, but maybe the civilians won’t understand, and not feeling heard or understood is itself lonely and stressful.

Or maybe there is, again, something unresolved about your military experience, a hoped-for achievement or recognition that failed to happen. I’m also curious as to why you don’t return to duty if indeed you prefer to be there. Is someone in your life asking you not to do so? Is that creating a conflict of wanting and not wanting to be back among civilians? Is there an issue about friendships in general for which you are seeking some help? Is seeking help itself a little stressful? (Although you don’t indicate whether you’re a man or a woman, it’s worth noting that seeking help is difficult for many men I work with.)

My suggestion as a first step is to develop gentleness and self-compassion over whatever is happening here because I am sure that a solution can be found, and you are having a very human reaction to some as-yet-undefined challenge that, with the help of the right person, can be understood and illuminated in a way that makes more sense. I wish you luck, and thanks again for your service and for writing in.

Respectfully,
Darren