Experiencing anger in your relationship is not a sign that your relationship is doomed to fail.
Anger is an emotion that we all experience, and it signifies that something has to be done. Conflict really has a purpose, and the purpose is mutual understanding, according to relationship researcher Dr. John Gottman. Anger makes you aware that there is a problem. How you deal with your anger can become a big part of the problem. For some couples, anger can make it nearly impossible to figure out what the problem is and how to fix it.
For most couples, anger itself is not the problem. What becomes problematic is how partners deal with their anger and how well they deal with their partner’s. Research shows that 69% of problems in a relationship are unsolvable, emphasizing that couples must learn to manage conflict rather than eliminate it entirely.
Dealing with Your Anger
Managing your own anger effectively is the first step toward healthier relationship dynamics. Research shows that anger is often a secondary emotion which covers up more vulnerable feelings such as embarrassment, sadness, and hopelessness. Understanding this can help you address the root causes of your emotional responses.
Take time out to calm yourself enough to think about what you are angry about. Taking a break is the best way to keep a bad argument from getting worse, with pauses ranging from 20 minutes to 24 hours to allow both partners to cool down.
Own your anger. Remind yourself that your anger belongs to you and that it is telling you something about yourself. Anger is often directed at your partner, but your anger belongs to you, even when it’s triggered by your partner’s behavior. You can have valid complaints about your partner’s actions, but the emotion is yours.
If the anger is your own, then it follows that you are in control. Accept that you are in control. Your next step is to think about what your anger is about. Again, try to focus on yourself, not your partner’s wrongdoing. I’m not saying that your partner is right. I am saying that you need to focus on yourself so you can express yourself to your partner, allowing you to work together to find solutions.
See your thoughts and emotions as your perspective, and at the same time try to keep in mind that your partner has his or her own perspective that will always be different from yours—after all, you are two different people with different experiences. Thinking like this will help you stay calm through the process of dealing with your emotions.
What are your angry thoughts? Try to follow your thoughts to get a full picture. It may help to write down what, exactly, happened that led to you feeling angry.
Consider what other emotions are involved. Research on anger and emotion regulation shows that anger often serves as a defensive response to protect against more vulnerable primary emotions. Examples of primary emotions are feeling sad, afraid, hurt, or rejected. Anger activates when something stands between us and the gratification of our demands, serving as a defensive system. Vulnerability is often seen as weakness; many of us were brought up to ignore vulnerabilities and push through problems.
Anger can feel like relief as emotional energy is released and vulnerabilities are pushed away from awareness. Being angry at your partner is sometimes easier than facing fear of rejection. However, the consequences of reacting with anger in a relationship can be severe. We know this at work; screaming at colleagues is most likely going to get us fired.
Key Insight: Nathanael Schlect, Licensed Associate Counselor “Anger can feel like relief as emotional energy is released and vulnerabilities are pushed away from awareness.”
Dealing with Your Partner’s Anger
This guidance applies to relationships where both partners feel safe. If anger includes intimidation, coercion, or physical harm, professional support is important
Dealing with your partner’s anger is a totally different process. I suggest that you help your partner calm down and go through the process described above.
Your part is to be supportive, listen actively, and ask clarifying questions. (See other articles I have written on The Good Therapy Blog about communicating effectively and especially active listening.) As the listener, you must create a safe space for the speaker with no judging or arguing, showing genuine interest and allowing them time to fully communicate their concerns.
Remind yourself that your partner is coming from his or her perspective and personal experiences. Your own perspective and feelings are not important at this time. If you are able to do this for your partner, I can assure you that you will see big, positive changes in your relationship. Perhaps your partner will initially react with surprise and even anger that you are changing your steps of the dance you have danced together for so many years of fighting. However, if you keep up your end of the relationship and focus on being the best partner you can be, your partner will eventually follow and give you the same courtesy when you are upset and need support.
The happiest and most successful couples don’t avoid conflict, fear or anger – they just know how to fight fairly and productively. Research from the Gottman Institute shows that effective couples use “repair attempts” during conflicts—small gestures like humor, affection, or expressions of empathy to de-escalate tension and maintain connection.
In an ideal world, partners will take turns being upset. In the real world, we often get upset at the same time. This is where repair work becomes important. Practice apologizing, stay calm, and remind yourself why you are in the relationship and that you are in control of how you express your emotions.
Stable and happy couples maintain a ratio of about 5 positive interactions for every 1 negative interaction, which helps buffer against conflict and builds emotional connection. This research-backed principle can guide couples in maintaining relationship health even during difficult periods.
Key Insight: Nathanael Schlect, Licensed Associate Counselor “In couples work, the goal isn’t to eliminate anger, it’s to slow it down enough that the hurt underneath can be heard.”
References:
- Blair, R. J. R. (2012). Considering anger from a cognitive neuroscience perspective. Wiley Interdisciplinary Reviews: Cognitive Science, 3(1), 65-74. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3260787/
- Gottman, J., & Gottman, J. S. (2024). Fight Right: How Successful Couples Turn Conflict into Connection. Harmony Books.
- Gottman, J. M. (2024). Managing vs. resolving conflict in relationships: 3 essential blueprints for couples. The Gottman Institute. https://www.gottman.com/blog/managing-vs-resolving-conflict-relationships/
- Larsson, J., Bjureberg, J., Zhao, X., & Hesser, H. (2024). The inner workings of anger: A network analysis of anger and emotion regulation. Journal of Clinical Psychology, 80(2), 437-455.
- National Institute of Mental Health. (2024). Novel treatment helps children with severe irritability. https://www.nimh.nih.gov/news/science-updates/2024/novel-treatment-helps-children-with-severe-irritability
- Pop, G. V., Nechita, D. M., Miu, A. C., & Szentágotai-Tătar, A. (2025). Anger and emotion regulation strategies: A meta-analysis. Scientific Reports, 15(1), 6931.
- Tharp, J. A., Zerwas, F. K., Mauss, I. B., & Chen, S. (2025). Power, emotion appropriateness norms, and regulation of anger and sadness. Emotion. Advance online publication.
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