3 Simple Ways LGBT Couples Can Revive Their Sex Lives

Two young women at the park

Remember when you were first dating your partner and the sex was hot, heavy, and frequent? As time passed and you and your partner slowly built a life together, the initial passion might have lost some of its luster or faded altogether.

As with heterosexual couples, LGBT couples often find the responsibilities of life take over as work stress, family issues, finances, and life events begin to distract from sexual connection. In fact, it’s a subject that’s quite challenging for many gay couples to talk about.

As a therapist who works with lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender couples, I assist with better communication and connection. Early in the conversation, couples typically talk about a variety of issues that are affecting their relationships, some easier to broach than others.

The topic of sex is a particularly tough one for many to bring up, let alone address.

Although some couples find contentment and intimacy within sexless partnerships, an active, satisfying sex life can be an important part of human connection and self-care. Is it possible to reconnect to your partner and bring passion back into the bedroom? Absolutely. It just takes a little focus, energy, and of course desire.

Here are three tips you can use to begin the process of reconnecting to your partner sexually:

1. Start Simple

Often, couples hoping to rekindle a spark want to rush right back into sex and one or both partners end up feeling overwhelmed. So instead of trying anything, they do nothing and the frustration grows.

Building anticipation, excitement, and romantic feelings can help. Perhaps take a moment to put on some music and slow dance together, giving your bodies a chance to reintroduce themselves to each other. A little massage time is great for setting a comfortable pace for touch.

These types of activities help to create a safe bridge of connection and allow space for intimacy to develop. Once that reconnection occurs, you might find that your primal urges take over and your bodies naturally pursue the best routes to sexual release.

2. Think Creatively

Even in the most satisfying relationships, sex can become stagnant or routine at times. It’s nothing a little creative thinking can’t fix.

Is it possible to reconnect to your partner and bring passion back into the bedroom? Absolutely. It just takes a little focus, energy, and of course desire.

Consider developing a collection of sexual activities with your partner that either of you can draw upon to liven things up. This exercise can build up your sexual vocabulary and serve as foreplay in its own right.

Have each partner separately write down sexual activities he or she would like to bring into the relationship, with each idea going on its own piece of paper. Then go through the ideas together, with no judgment, and decide which ones you both would feel comfortable trying out.

Put all the slips of paper featuring ideas that you both are willing to experiment with into a hat, box, or other container. Whenever either of you wants to initiate sex, you can draw a piece of paper that represents your activity for the night. It can be fun and playful, and it may relieve the pressure of having to figure out the right activity for the moment.

3. Rediscover Life

One of the major reasons couples get bored in the bedroom is that they are bored in life generally. Look at the routines and traps you may have fallen into and notice how they have influenced your connection with your partner. Is Friday night always Mexican food night? Do you always watch the same television shows? Do you attend only events that you are comfortable attending, where you know what’s going to happen?

Although it’s lovely to be with someone you can create rituals with and let down your guard, if these rituals become cemented and inflexible, they can bring a malaise into the relationship that affects your sex life.

So look in your local paper or on social media for events in your community, check the LGBT guides, or see friends you have not seen in a while. Rekindling your passion for life can, in turn, ignite your passion for each other.

Applying the three tips above will help you create a blueprint to reconnect with your partner and reinvigorate your sex life. Satisfying sex with the same partner can be one of the delights of a long-term relationship, but sometimes you need to bring a little awareness into the room to keep the fire going.

© Copyright 2015 GoodTherapy.org. All rights reserved. Permission to publish granted by John Sovec, LMFT, therapist in Pasadena, California

The preceding article was solely written by the author named above. Any views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the preceding article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment below.

  • 11 comments
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  • Rebecca

    Rebecca

    May 15th, 2015 at 11:31 AM

    One of the most important things that any couple, gay or straight, can do is to keep that connection. You have to WANT to be together all of the time to keep the romance happening and hot. We all let life’s little inconveniences get in the way of keeping our relationship with each other strong and vital, and for any couple that is the thing that you can’t let slip away. It is important to stay focused on one another, to let the other person in your life know just how much you care about them and that you are willing to do what you can to keep the romance alive.

  • caroline

    caroline

    May 15th, 2015 at 1:46 PM

    Do you find that because of the other obstacles that these couples face with society and such that this actually makes their relationships more stressful than that of heterosexuals overall? tat would feel like so much pressure when you know that there are people out there who automatically think that your relationship is wrong even when they know nothing about the two of you.

  • Stacy

    Stacy

    June 15th, 2019 at 4:45 AM

    Yes, it does make a difference. Many of us were raised with strict religious upbringings and have lost family, friends, etc. This can be an issue when you need to relax and be comfortable in your own skin. It can cause one to feel immense shame and guilt over their own sexual desires. I was raised in a household where my sexuality was not necessarily embraced but accepted. I was not made to feel sexually ashamed and I enjoy my sexuality and the act immensely. However, I have been with partners who have not had this upbringing and it has caused them severe trauma and pain in regards to expressing themselves and receiving love.

  • Jane

    Jane

    May 16th, 2015 at 5:28 AM

    Most of us try to get right back to the part that has failed, let’s say the sex life, when we forget that there has to be some step taken to repair what has been broken before you get to that part. All along the way in any relationship there are going to be small little steps that will lead you to the path of love and success. Sometimes those little things are fractured along the way and you may not even know it until the rupture begins to show elsewhere in your relationship. Take it slow, pay attention, and you will find where those broken pieces are so that they can be put back together again.

  • Moe

    Moe

    May 18th, 2015 at 3:41 AM

    Couples will struggle but in the end the ones who are meant to be together will always find a way to hold it together. I truly do believe that.
    I know that every couple has ebbs an d flows, with some times that are better than others. That is normal.
    I think that there are some who think oh we are going through a rough patch right now and then they are unwilling to stick around and tough it out.
    You grow apart and ten it becomes that much harder to find your way back to each other again.

  • ally

    ally

    May 18th, 2015 at 10:32 AM

    How could one ever make it in a sexless relationship?

    That is a friendship, not a relationship.

    Well I guess it is but not an intimate relationship.

  • Stacy

    Stacy

    June 15th, 2019 at 4:49 AM

    Well just because you don’t perform the act of sex does not mean your can’t be intimate…kissing, caressing, hugs, being held, flirting, massages….you can do plenty outside of sex. Anybody who has made it past a few years in their relationship probably knows all about this.

  • William

    William

    May 18th, 2015 at 3:17 PM

    These are suggestions that everyone can use

  • Corrinne

    Corrinne

    May 19th, 2015 at 3:42 AM

    I guess on some level I would have thought that same sex couples would actually have it easier than heterosexual couples because there is more of an understanding between them that they have to be a little stronger and more focused on one another to do this.
    Also I thought that since they were the same sex that talking would be easier because, you know, there are none of those misunderstandings that would usually pop up between a man and a woman.
    I guess I was wrong on so many levels! These things are universal and often affect all of us.

  • Thomas

    Thomas

    May 19th, 2015 at 10:22 AM

    Now I like the thought of changing things up and getting a little more creative romantically

  • sherra

    sherra

    May 20th, 2015 at 1:13 PM

    I always think that the healthiest couples are the ones who know themselves outside of their role as a partner.]

    They are strong and confident on their own, which then means that they can be stronger and more confident with one another.

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