Should Step-Relationships Be Maintained After Divorce?
October 22nd, 2012
What was once considered a rarity—step-siblings, step-parents, and step-in-laws—has become more common than not. When couples marry, there is a very good chance that one of them brings an extended family that branches by halves and steps. And if that couple winds up divorcing, the tree splinters even further. Because there is no biological bond that obligates a step-family member to stay in contact with other steps, the rules of engagement can be confusing and tense. In a recent article, marriage experts explain how to navigate the rocky road of step-relationships after divorce.
Take, for example, the case of an ex-wife who spent decades raising her step-children. Should she continue the relationship with these nonbiological children, even though she has no legal claim to them? Mary T. Kelly, a marriage therapist from Colorado, notes that often step-children can be a contributing factor to divorce. Many blended-family parents disagree over how to raise his, hers, and their children. Tension that exists between step-children and step-parents seems like normal childhood rebellion, but in many cases may actually run deeper.
Paul Hokemeyer, a New York therapist, says couples and children need to determine if they want those relationships to continue after divorce. Many children may not be permitted to make contact with their ex-step-parents while they are minors, but can make the choice whether to have a relationship with that significant person when they reach adulthood. Even step-grandparents get caught in the mix when step-families divorce. Grandparents who become attached to step-grandchildren, only to have them taken away, may not be willing to invest as much into future step-family members.
One Massachusetts psychologist, Patricia Papemow, recommends that clients try to initiate contact through letters rather than personal visits or phone calls. It is important for step-children to be allowed to have time to process the shift in the relationship on their own terms. Letting them know a step-parent is there through cards and letters is a noninvasive and subtle way to continue contact and keep the door open for future communication. Regardless of how an individual chooses to stay in contact with their step-children, Hokemeyer insists that they review their motives so that all parties will be receptive. “Make sure that you are acting out of genuine love and concern for the other person, and not out of anger and attempts to manipulate,” Hokemeyer says. Following these tips could help step-exes maintain important family ties in a world of ever-changing family dynamics.
Reference:
Gootman, Elissa. When branches tangle in a stepfamily tree. (n.d.): n. pag. The New York Times. 3 Oct. 2012. Web. 8 Oct. 2012. http://www.nytimes.com/2012/10/04/fashion/-step-family-trees-with-tangled-branches.html?pagewanted=all&_r=0
Read More
Creating Divorce Rituals with Your Children
Blended Families & Father's Day: How Should Step-Fathers Celebrate?
How to Become a Good Step-Parent
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16 Comments | Click here to leave a comment.
Comments
I think that a large part of whether or not this happens is exactly how close the relatiosnhip was with the steps.
If this is something that really meant nothing when two adults with adult children marry and then divorce, and you have not really created a close relationship with those kids, then I would not expect you to stay in touch after there is a divorce. But if it is a case like it is with me and my step dad, who raised me and I think of as my father, if he and my mom were to ever divorce I would in no way ever stop seeing him and I know that he feels that way about me. So just like with anything else this is going to be very individualized and will come down to how each person feels about the step relationships that they have created and how they play out in their lives.
Look at it the same way you viewed the marriage- if it made a positive impact on your life, then by all means try to save it/ if not then toss it to the curb
When my dad and step mom got divorced I couldn’t have been happier to see her go unless it had been sooner.
No these are not always happy relationships, no are they always healthy, and I don’t think that they always have to be maintained.
the desire to have that happen must be mutual and if it isn’t then what is the need to even try?
I think this depends on the relationship shared by the two individuals.If they have been close enough then why not.On the other hand,each person must respect the other’s decision if the latter does not want to stay in touch with the former.It can happen,you know,things do change in a family after divorce.
I would never want to stay in touch with my step brothers and sisters because frankly they have been everything that siblings aren’t. There should be no compulsion in any relationship and step relations are no different. Its a mutual thing and I prefer it remains that way.
Alert – Do not put yourself under any kind of obligation if you do not want to stay in touch with someone!
So hard, especially if the relationship has been fraught with a lot of tension in the past
I have maintained a very good relationship with my step sons even after their father and I have separated.Its never been anything but smooth for all of us because the separation did not involve any conflict either and I hope it stays that way.They are really nice kids and they like me too.
I think its best to bury such relationships. Mainly because the divorce happening means there was bitterness between the two sides and it is best not to have any connection with members of the family your folks have some conflict with.It could lead to even bitter things in the future.
@ VX just because there was bitterness or animosity between the parents that doesn’t mean that that existed between the parents and the kids.
What if this was a very important relationship to one or the other?
Should they be forced to give that up just because the marriage falls apart?
I think that it takes a little more than this to force the severing of any relationship, and you have to make the choices that feel like they will be in the best interest for you and your family.
My ex and I divorced after 18 years of marriage. I met his children, who lived with their mother, when they were 9 (boy) and 11 (girl). They spent every other weekend with us until they could drive. The 4 of us also took an annual vacation together. Since the divorce I have remained close with the girl who is now 42 and the executer of my will. In support of his father, the boy chooses to have no contact with me. Family is who you choose to be your family.
i would love to be in touch with someone who was a part of family.I love having family members in touch and even if there has been a divorce i think I would stick with my step brothers and sisters. Just because your friend does not like a particular person does not mean you should stop being friends with the person,isn’t it!
My son and wife have divorced. She had 4 children from previous relationships.They had 1 child together.My dilema: Her “previous” children have never been close to my husband and I. We have always send BD cards with cash to each, with no acknoligement or thank you in return. Do I continue with BD cards? I do not want to be disrespectful.
HELP
I think you should still send BD cards but instead of giving money why not open savings accounts or buy children’s premium bonds from the post office and then you can give them lump sums when they reach such an appropriate age, this could mean the difference between getting driving lessons or not, paying for a smart suit for a job interview or not, or generally having a blast on that 18th or 21st birthday. I have 2 step children and I’m no longer with thier Fathers, I still send them BD cards, but both of an age where they earn but I stick £20 in for them as it buys a couple of pints or bottles of wine. But I also have god sons and I told the parents not to expect BD presents or xmas presents as I had set up an account and money goes into them, once they are of age then they can have it. xxx Good luck with your decision
Thank you so much, what good advise.
My ex and I divorced 4 years ago. We have a 7 year old daughter and I have an 11 year old son that has always called his stepfather Dad. The relationship has been difficult at times because my son is quiet and a bit socially awkward. The children have visited my ex together over the last 4 years. Now my ex has decided he doesn’t want to see my son anymore. I feel like he is misinterpreting my son’s “anti-social” behavior when he visits to mean he doesn’t want to be there. I have spoken to my son about this extensively to see if he does in fact enjoy visiting and he does. I think this would be catastrophic to my son and he would feel unwanted and rejected. It is not a clean break since my daughter would still visit and speak to my ex regularly. HELP! Does anyone have any advice?
My BF of almost a year was married for just about a year and was step dad to her son. They dated for two years prior to getting married and so formed a bond with her now 6yr old son. He still saw his dad weekends and still continues to do so. My question is my Bf wants to still see her son and still have a relationship with him – bearing in mind its been a year since he last saw him as she didn’t want him around him or me. She has she has since moved on and become engaged. What i need help with is knowing if this will be healthy for the boy as he will be torn between 3 ‘father’ figures and will it be healthy for my bf as she has a tendency of always making arrangement’s only when it suites her and has also cancelled the visits because she feels like it. She has made demands for what she thinks he needs has gifts over Christmas, almost like she is still trying to control my bf. please help
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