Many people believe that if you meet the right person and fall in love, you are meant to be with this person. That there won’t be anything you will ever want to change about them. That it should just work out.

There may be couples who do not struggle, but marriage counselors recognize that most relationships face challenges. If only it were easy, we would not have so many divorces or so many conflicts driving couples to counseling. Most people would agree that marriages and long-term relationships are hard work. There are many who resign themselves to sticking it out, thinking they can learn to live with, accept, and endure whatever arises, even though they may be miserable. That is not what most of us want. If we understood that there are stages to relationships and things we can do to make them better, more might work harder to make them last.

This article presents one clinical framework for understanding relationship development, drawing on Imago relationship therapy and longitudinal research, but other models exist, and couples may experience relationships differently.

Stage 1: Romantic Love

The theory of Imago relationship therapy explains that we tend to attract and be attracted to people who feel familiar. Romance happens unconsciously. At the time, we may not be consciously aware of how a person is like our childhood caretakers. We just experience the attraction and feel the chemistry. We discover all the things we have in common and minimize, if we even notice, the differences we have. We can’t take our hands off each other. We finish each other’s sentences. We merge with each other. It all seems amazing. We feel that this is the one person who will meet the unmet needs of childhood, but we are not consciously aware of feeling this. This stage is also referred to as the unconscious partnership.

Powerful neurochemicals fuel this early stage, with oxytocin playing a central role. Recent research shows that oxytocin levels are significantly higher in new lovers compared to singles, suggesting increased activity of the oxytocinergic system during the early stages of romantic attachment. These neurochemicals produce feelings of attachment and connection, a sense of well-being and belonging, with oxytocin particularly active during intimacy and caregiving moments. This phase can last anywhere from three months to two years, though recent research on college students shows this initial “flirtationship” stage involves the first sparks of attraction and exploration of common interests.

The purpose of this stage is to form a bond that provides a secure foundation for the journey forward.

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Stage 2: Power Struggle

At the beginning of a relationship, we generally do not see the things that will annoy us as the relationship progresses into the second stage. In the second stage, you start noticing each other’s differences. He likes to spend all Sunday afternoon in the fall watching football; you don’t. You have emotional needs; your partner has different wants and needs. You like to cuddle; your partner doesn’t want physical closeness.

You may find you feel frustrated in a similar way to your disappointments in childhood. Some of us are wounded and abused to the point of trauma, whereas others have minor hurts and disappointments.

In this stage, you may try to deny these differences in order to preserve the bliss of the first stage, or you may begin squabbling, trying to get back to the oneness that you previously experienced. The relationship may feel like a lose-win or win-lose. It may be experienced as competitive as to who is going to get his or her way.

Research shows that markers of the power struggle phase often include disillusionment, conflict, mutual blame, tension, anxiety, and doubt, with emotions running high and unresolved issues feeling overwhelming. Recent studies demonstrate that power struggles can be reduced through interventions that facilitate psychological distancing from reactive self-focus and redirect attention toward understanding the partner’s emotions, needs, and motivations, which interrupts the defensive cycles that fuel power dynamics.

Many couples can navigate disagreements with empathy and understanding, but if conflicts involve ongoing contempt, abuse, or safety concerns, seeking support from a qualified mental health professional can help keep everyone safe and supported.

When couples reach a power struggle stage, they often say it doesn’t feel like love. But if we care about a partner and the relationship, we become aware that love is more than a feeling—it is a behavior, a commitment to stay with your partner and do the work. As long as both are committed to the relationship and doing the work, a relationship can grow.

Most couples who go to marriage counseling have entered this stage. Research indicates there are five phases in romantic relationships—honeymoon, power struggle, stability, commitment, and co-creation—with the power struggle phase commonly showing up somewhere between two months and two years into a relationship. They feel stuck and don’t know what to do. There are also many who, at this stage, give up and separate or divorce.

The purpose of this stage is to learn the skills and tools to resolve differences without losing yourself. Once couples have worked through the power struggles and practiced healthy communication, they’re ready to enjoy the deeper closeness and stability of mature love.

Stage 3: Mature Love

Assuming that both parties are committed to growth and value the relationship, this stage reflects long-term, conscious love built on growth and mutual understanding. We are now aware that, together, we can heal our childhood wounds. We have learned the skills and tools of dialogue so that we can listen and hear each other. We understand that we have differences and how those differences make sense. We have compassion for our partner. We are less reactive and more intentional. We communicate our wants and needs more clearly. We allow ourselves to be influenced by our partner without losing ourselves because we care about his or her happiness. We recognize that to have a healthy, happy relationship, we both need to experience a sense of well-being. It becomes a win-win.

Research on mature love shows it thrives on transparency, with partners feeling safe sharing their innermost thoughts, fears, and desires, knowing they will be heard and respected. This level of communication builds a foundation of trust and deepens the connection between partners. Recent findings indicate that enduring connection in marriage results more from the intentional efforts of spouses than from spontaneous love and emotional spark, with high-connection marriages showing three times higher scores on proactive behaviors like spending meaningful time together, doing acts of kindness, and forgiving offenses.

Long-term research with couples married 40+ years identifies primary coping mechanisms that strengthen relationships: effective communication, drawing closer together, persevering together, prioritizing the relationship, and mutual sacrifice. Studies show 83% of successful coping mechanisms involve “together coping” that strengthens the attachment bond.

The purpose of this stage is to enjoy each other and feel the intimacy of connection with someone who gets you. We do this by using the skills and tools learned in the second stage when challenges arise.

References:

1. Bühler, J. L., & Orth, U. (2025). Terminal decline of satisfaction in romantic relationships: Evidence from four longitudinal studies. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. Advance online publication. https://dx.doi.org/10.1037/pspp0000551
2. Dupuis, H. E., Girme, Y. U., Overall, N. C., Cross, E. J., & Sibley, C. G. (2025). Changes in well-being and relationship satisfaction in the years before and after marriage in a sample of New Zealand adults. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 42(2), 315-199. https://doi.org/10.1177/02654075251315199
3. Galovan, A. M., Carroll, J. S., & Schramm, D. G. (2024). Flourishing marriages are made, not found. Institute for Family Studies. https://ifstudies.org/blog/number-5-in-2024-flourishing-marriages-are-made-not-found
4. Grob, A., Weidmann, R., Wünsche, J., Burriss, R. P., Bühler, J. L., Traut, A. C., Uhlich, M., Arnold, K., & Gander, F. (2025). Personality change in the light of relationship transitions in partnered and single individuals: Study protocol of a prospective measurement burst design. Swiss Psychology Open, 5(1), 1-15. https://doi.org/10.5334/spo.90
5. Hoan, E., & MacDonald, G. (2025). Personality and well-being across and within relationship status. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 128(3), 430-450. https://doi.org/10.1177/01461672231225571
6. Muñoz, N., Abalorio, B., & Yang, Y. (2025). The role of perspective-taking training on reducing power struggles and increasing relational empathy. Research and Practice in Couple Therapy, 3(1), 1-11.
7. Ogolsky, B. G., Dobson, K., Rivas-Koehl, M., Kawas, G., & Hardesty, J. L. (2025). The progression of college student romantic relationship development: Stability and change over 10 years. Personal Relationships, 32(1). https://doi.org/10.1111/pere.12590
8. Schneiderman, I., Zagoory-Sharon, O., Leckman, J. F., & Feldman, R. (2012). Oxytocin during the initial stages of romantic attachment: Relations to couples’ interactive reciprocity. Psychoneuroendocrinology, 37(8), 1277-1285. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.psyneuen.2011.12.021
9. Snowdon-Farrell, A., Attal, C., Nikkheslat, N., Pariante, C., Young, A. H., & Zahn, R. (2025). How does neurochemistry affect attachment styles in humans? The role of oxytocin and the endogenous opioid system in sociotropy and autonomy – A systematic review. Neuroscience & Biobehavioral Reviews, 169, 105994. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.neubiorev.2024.105994

Perfectionism is one of those things that carry both positive and negative qualities, making it a tricky and complicated issue to understand. If you are detail-oriented or want the best for yourself, are you perfectionist or just ambitious? I think the answer lies in (1) the way you feel about yourself and (2) whether the idea of perfection is an obsessive thought that won’t let go or, rather, a repetitive behavior done in an attempt to succeed.

Of course, some amount of ambition is a good thing, right? We all want to do our best, to look our best, and to have life go our way. In that way, striving is a positive quality. However, it becomes harmful and maladaptive when we attempt to reach an invisible goal. What is perfection, exactly? Doesn’t it depend on your definition? What might be perfection for some may not be for others.

In a quote by Anne Wilson Schaef, she writes, “Perfectionism is self-abuse of the highest order.” Self-abuse is a strong wording choice that defines the obsessive quality of the idea. Perfectionism can run rampant on your self-esteem, your confidence, and your motivation to do more. If your first thought when you start an exercise routine is that you want to look like a supermodel, you may be experiencing perfectionist thoughts. Even supermodels don’t look like supermodels in real life. If you lose weight, get fit, eat healthier, and yet don’t look like a magazine ad, have you failed? Perfection is a deep whisper in our souls that we, alone, are not enough. Its invasive quality can be quite destructive to a healthy outlook on life.

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Perfectionism is most apparent in three areas of our lives. First, we are perfectionists with our bodies and minds. Every commercial, every advertisement, every billboard reminds us that we are not “right” in some way. We’re expected to believe that we must have a toned body, the longest, sleekest hair, acne-free skin, and white teeth. Second, we are perfectionists in relationships and especially parenting. We read the books, get on the preschool mailing list before our children are out of diapers, and kill all germs immediately. This quest for perfection in parenting leads to perfection-driven children who may feel they cannot measure up. Third, we are perfectionists with our environment. We want our homes to be HGTV worthy while we bake like Martha Stewart. An entire home-design-and-improvement culture was created on the perfectionist ideal.

So, what to do when perfection is running our thoughts? Here’s how to get un-perfect and still be OK:

1. Check yourself. Are you thinking perfection all the time? What if you don’t reach perfection? Will you be happy, healthy, and alive? Will others still love you? Will you still be a good person? If you understand that thoughts can come and go, you will start to realize that perfectionist thoughts can be harmful and they can be released. Check to make sure that while your standards are being met, you are not preoccupied with perfection. Flawed people are great, too.
2. Focus out, not in. Focusing on ourselves too much can breed insecurity, which in turn breeds perfectionism. Instead of focusing inward, reach out to family, friends, and strangers to see what else the world has to offer. Take a class, help a friend, volunteer, teach, garden, or build something to give away. Perfectionism loves inwardly focused people. Open yourself up.
3. Fail. Try something new with the intention of being bad at it. Paint a picture and laugh at how ridiculous it is. Talk to a stranger with the understanding that if he or she ignores you, at least you tried! Failing is a vital step to get rid of perfectionism because you learn that failing isn’t as bad as you thought. In fact, it can be fun! If you are always trying to be perfect, it can paralyze you to never try anything. So go out there and fail!

If you believe you cannot get a grip on obsessive thoughts and behaviors, please contact a mental health specialist who can help guide you to feeling more balanced.

Have you ever busted out in good, hearty laughter for a couple of minutes and then felt a rush of blissful joy? You know the kind of laugh we’re talking about; the one where you have a tough time catching your breath, your stomach and cheeks hurt, and your eyes water like crazy. It is this kind of laugh that often leaves us feeling wonderful, and perhaps even a little exhausted afterward. But did you know that laughing like this is also great for your health? Want even more good news? So is smiling.

Smiles and laughter have been proven in multiple studies to benefit a person’s wellness, and these two simple actions can also dramatically change the way others perceive you. If it has been a while since you enjoyed a good chuckle or shared an ear-to-ear grin, it is time to turn that frown upside down and get busy doing things that make you smile and laugh.

Here are four reasons to get you started:

1. Laughter Is Medicine and Improves the Body’s Functioning Almost Like Exercise

[fat_widget_right]You may have heard from Reader’s Digest that laughter is the best medicine. Well, in many ways that old saying is true. Physiologically, we change as we laugh. When you bust out in laughter, your heart rate goes up and your breathing rate increases, which gets more oxygen flow to the cells and gives your muscles a big stretch.

Dr. William Fry, a leading researcher of the psychology of laughter at Stanford University, discovered that it took him 10 minutes of rowing to get his heart rate up to the level that hardcore laughter achieved in just one minute.

In other studies, people struggling with illness, depression, anxiety, and other conditions who incorporated more laughter into their lives reported drops in blood pressure rates, stronger immune systems, and less stress.

2. Laughter Releases Endorphins

Endorphins are the “feel good” chemicals that are released when you exercise, and research asserts that endorphins are also released during a good laugh. A 2006 study by Lee S. Berk of Loma Linda University demonstrated the mere anticipation of laughter was enough to release endorphins.

There is even a new type of yoga quickly gaining popularity called Laughter Yoga, in which participants are led through laughter exercises. Laughter Yoga emphasizes the benefits of increased endorphins and utilizes laughter to reduce stress, encourage a positive attitude, and improve a person’s health.

3. Smiling and Laughter Improve the Way Others See You

If you laugh and smile more, it improves your overall quality of life by changing the way people perceive you. A study that built on previous research about the effect smiling has on others (1994) found that smiling is a universal response that is understood among human beings. Smiling indicates happiness, which is one of six basic emotions universally presented and understood across cultures.

In this study, students were asked to evaluate slides of males and females smiling or displaying other facial expressions. The students were then asked to rate the slides on 12 adjectives: optimism, conciliation, calmness, reliability, leadership, happiness, intelligence, attractiveness, beauty, sympathy, sincerity, and kindness. The only trait that was not found to have a significant positive correlation to smiling was leadership, which seemed to be more affected by the manner in which the subject was smiling (head tilted, closed lip smile, etcetera).

4. Laughter and Smiling Can Help Relieve Pain

A study published in 2010 examined the therapeutic value of laughter in medicine. One of the pieces of research this study built on was that of Norman Cousins, who published an article titled “Anatomy of an Illness” in the New England Journal of Medicine in 1976. This article serves as the basis of most research concerning laughter and health care.

Cousins was diagnosed with a severe form of arthritis called ankylosing spondylitis. This condition primarily causes painful inflammation of the spinal joints, leading to chronic pain and discomfort. Cousins theorized that adding laughter to his health care routine would help and began introducing a heavy dose of “Candid Camera” and comedies into his regimen. He found that this daily serving of humor helped him sleep comfortably—more than he had been able to previously. He said, “It worked. I made the joyous discovery that 10 minutes of genuine belly laughter had an anesthetic effect and would give me at least two hours of pain-free sleep.”

And as for the 2010 study that quoted Cousins’ finding? It concluded that there is “sufficient evidence to suggest that laughter has some positive, quantifiable effects on certain aspects of health … Add laughter to your working and daily life, remember to laugh regularly, share your laughs, and help others laugh too.”

When you feel down in the dumps, remember that you have an absolutely free, potent form of medicine available to help you relieve some of your symptoms. The acts of smiling and laughing can be healing, cathartic, and great for your health—even if you have to force it.

Smile and say hello to those you pass. Watch a comedy film or television show or attend a live stand-up comedy show. If you cannot shake the bad mood you are in, get around those that make you laugh. Laughter, after all, is contagious. As you become mindful of the positive effects of smiling and laughing, you may notice that your days feel lighter and a few laughs and smiles are aimed back at you.

References:

1. Griffin, R. (n.d.). Give your body a boost–with laughter. Retrieved October 7, 2014, from http://www.webmd.com/balance/features/give-your-body-boost-with-laughter
2. Mora-Ripoll, R. (2010). The therapeutic value of laughter in medicine. Alternative Therapies in Health and Medicine, 16(6), 56-64. Retrieved from http://search.proquest.com/docview/808403188?accountid=1229
3. Otta, E., Lira, B. B. P., Delevati, N. M., Cesar, O. P., & Pires, C. S. G. (1994). The effect of smiling and of head tilting on person perception. The Journal of Psychology, 128(3), 323-31. Retrieved from http://search.proquest.com/docview/213818302?accountid=1229
4. Psychophysiology: just the expectation of a mirthful laughter experience boosts endorphins. (n.d.). Retrieved October 1, 2014, from http://www.healinglaughter.org/blog/psychophysiology-just-the-expectation-of-a-mirthful-laughter-experience-boosts-endorphins

Opponents of gay marriage have periodically argued that gay marriage is fundamentally different and that gay couples are more likely to break up. According to a new study, though, gay marriage looks a lot like heterosexual marriage, with gay couples splitting at rates similar to those of straight couples.

Divorce Rates among Gay and Straight Couples

The study drew its data from the How Couples Meet and Stay Together survey and began tracking about 3,000 couples in 2009. They followed up with the couples every year through 2012. Because many states did not have legal gay marriage options at the time of the study, researchers looked at both legally married same-sex couples and same-sex couples who maintained long-term, marriage-like relationships. The study included almost 500 same-sex couples.

Researchers found that the rate of marriage breakup among same-sex couples was indistinguishable from that of straight couples. There was also no substantive difference in marriage breakup rates between lesbian and gay couples. Both straight and gay marriages had an annual breakup rate of less than 3%.

The study also found that legalized same-sex marriage tended to encourage marriage among same-sex couples. Forty-two percent of same-sex couples living in states where gay marriage was legal were married when the survey began, compared to just 28% of couples in states that did not legally recognize gay marriage. [fat_widget_left]

Michael Rosenfeld, an associate professor of sociology at Stanford University and the study’s lead author, explains in the study that same-sex couples are more likely to stay together in states that legalize same-sex marriage. He further emphasizes that the sex of partners plays a less significant role in predicting divorce than other factors. The study notes that some previous research found that gay couples are more likely to break up, but that data did not come from a nationally representative sample. For both gay and straight couples, the study says, factors such as commitment, the history of the relationship, and the length of the relationship all play more significant roles in keeping couples together.

References:

Marriage break-up rates similar for gay, straight couples — study. (2014, October 6). Retrieved from http://health.usnews.com/health-news/articles/2014/10/06/marriage-break-up-rates-similar-for-gay-straight-couples-study

Sex sells. Sex sells vacations, music, perfume, clothing, even salad dressing with both covert and overt sexual messages. Sex also sells products that will supposedly help us become sexier, such as exercise equipment. Even the medical community tries to offer us ways to be sexier and maybe have more sex.

But what about better sex?

The word “better” is relative, of course. What is good or great sex to me isn’t necessarily good or great sex to you. Let’s keep those potential differences out of this discussion because what I want to talk about is highly individualistic, personal, and literally at your fingertips and at the end of your nose—your senses, which can play a big role in sensuality. “Sensual” is defined as relating to, devoted to, or producing physical or sexual pleasure. Even the dictionary sounds sexy with that definition!

This discussion is about the impact of our senses on sexual arousal. Accessing and becoming more attuned to our senses, and then incorporating that skill into sexual experience, either with another or on your own, is often an automatic or secondary component of sexual experiences. Still, we have an incredible opportunity to put our senses at the forefront of our sexual experiences.

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What the Science Says

Our senses contribute to the sexual arousal cycle. With some intention and perhaps experimentation, we can leverage what is sensual to each of us and our partners. Rachel S. Herz and Elizabeth D. Cahill (1997) found that men reported being aroused equally by visual and olfactory stimuli, while female olfactory sense was most powerful. In another study, 54% of men reported visual stimulation to be essential to their sexual arousal, while only 14% of women reported visual stimulation to be essential.

Touch is the most frequent method used to induce sexual stimulation. Skin is the largest organ in our body and has the most effective impact on sexual response. With practice, we can quiet the mind and listen to what the body is telling us about which types of touch are most arousing. We may think we know what touch is arousing based on previous experiences, but I challenge you to find new areas and methods of touch to add to your sexual experiences. As a simple example, we may recognize that having our calves massaged is pleasurable and relaxing; could this be added to your experience by asking a lover to massage your calves for the purpose of pleasure and eroticism?

The sense of taste as it relates to sexual response is a compelling but overlooked area of study. Obviously, we taste when we kiss and perform oral sex, but are we intentionally and mindfully tuning into this sense to explore a new dimension of our sexual experience? Consider this: phenylethlamine is a chemical believed to be produced during sexual acts and also released when we consume chocolate, cheese, and even salami! No wonder chocolate is a common part of Valentine’s Day—it’s sensuality in a box!

Incorporating the Senses into Daily Practice

A component of mindfulness is noticing what you are experiencing in the moment, which, of course, requires us to notice our senses. As I write this article, I am in a bustling, metropolitan coffee shop rife with opportunity for me to practice what my senses are detecting. Take a moment to practice this yourself. You may notice the lighting, the temperature of your environment, or the humming of traffic or conversation. I encourage people in therapy to sharpen their awareness to the information their senses are receiving by tuning in and detecting, just as I am asking of you.

Another daily practice is to take a moment and notice the thoughts, images, or memories each of the following words inspires. Now, no pressure here—I’m not suggesting you have to have a sexy thought, sexual image, or memory of a sexual experience. Set sex aside. Just take a breath, relax, and focus on each of the following words. Simply notice what you notice:

• Sight
• Sound
• Smell
• Touch
• Taste

Do two simple practices every day to enhance your sexual experience by tuning into your sensuality:

1. In everyday life, check in with your five senses. What are they detecting?
2. In sexual experiences, check in with your five senses. What are they detecting?

One final thought: As a sex therapist, I am often asked, “So, how do I spice up my sex life?” It is important to keep the first steps simple, use your senses, and remember which senses you and your partner are likely to respond to most!

Thanks for writing in. Gosh, I’m sorry you’ve been through such an emotionally brutal experience. I can’t imagine the blow of losing a girlfriend and an allegedly good friend at once, in this manner. It sounds like you had some suspicion that something was amiss, but when you asked your alleged friend directly, he lied.

I would not be surprised if you are experiencing some kind of posttraumatic stress from such an experience. Because relationships are so crucial to our sense of self and security in the world—especially intimate relationships—having our trust and emotional safety shattered in this way would naturally be extremely distressing and perhaps traumatic. Sleep, appetite, and other functionality is sometimes affected. Perhaps your other relationships are being affected, in terms of wondering who you can and can’t trust. Being lied to so baldly would completely scramble trust even in our own perceptions and sense of reality since what happened contradicts so dramatically what we thought we were seeing.

This may account for the self-blame on evidence in your question, when you “feel like an idiot” for trusting. That harsh self-condemnation is the result, I suspect, of trusting your own self-experience with people close to you—who often serve at least in part as reflections of ourselves, our sense of who we are and what we can have faith in—which, now shattered, leaves you with self-doubt over what you thought you were perceiving.

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However, you are not responsible for the heinous behavior of these two. Taking you at your word (and I see no reason not to), I see no trace of any reason for them to have treated you so shabbily. I imagine this to be another reason for the self-doubt and self-condemnation you express, because our loved ones are often mirrors for us: when someone we trust and love treats us badly, a possible instinctive reaction is, “What am I, chopped liver?” It sounds like these two colluded in deception and abusive behavior, and of course such betrayal would be intensely injurious to anyone’s self-esteem.

Of course, being a therapist, I am going to suggest therapy in the spirit of seeing this episode as trauma. Often, such experiences will revive historical doubts and losses or previous crises of faith, if we have had other betrayals in the past. I think having a safe place to vent and process all kinds of understandable emotional reactions could be quite healing. Rage, grief, shock, hurt, and fear of future betrayals are but a handful of the normal human reactions you might be having, and the safe space of therapy can provide an outlet. You may need to vent about this over and over for a long time, and this is OK; don’t worry about “boring” the counselor or therapist. These losses take time to process and heal.

You might also want to look around for support groups, even online. Perhaps there is a group, either locally and in person or online, that offers support for those who have been betrayed in this way.

Finally, I wouldn’t be in a super hurry to start pressuring yourself, or feeling pressure from others, to “forgive and move on.” Forgiveness is a more complicated subject than meets the eye, and often presented in highly idealistic terms. In principle, of course, it is a beautiful thing. But people often rush to forgive others for hurts that aren’t fully understood or acknowledged, even by the injured person; superficial forgiveness may be espoused while hurts and resentments unconsciously simmer and continue to impact the personality—exploding when the person is re-traumatized in parallel ways.

I am not “against” forgiveness, of course, and find it ultimately to be liberating (and probably necessary in the long run). But it is not as neat and tidy as presented on bumper stickers and inspirational Facebook posts. There is a nice saying from Al-Anon: “Acceptance is not approval.” One can accept what has happened, without acting vengefully and in a spirit of moving forward, but there’s something to be said for learning from harmful behaviors (dishonesty, selfishness), remembering so as not to repeat them. Sometimes others show us what not to do.

Thanks for writing, and I wish you the best in your journey of healing. I hope you find a girlfriend and friend who treat you with the honesty and integrity you deserve. I suggest you treat yourself as a very good friend who is suffering, which is more consideration than you received, sadly, from the two who betrayed you.

Kind regards,
Darren

A long time ago, my (much older) bachelor next-door neighbor confided in me that his pleasure in life was purely “sartorial.” Unfamiliar with the term, I ran to my dictionary and learned sartorial meant “pertaining to clothing, especially men’s.” But this distinguished college professor was—his clothes appeared unremarkable, plain, and masculine.

As we became better and better friends, he confessed to me that his sartorial interests were with feminine clothing, and that he had been wearing female lingerie under his tweed suits for many years. He lamented that he had lost his last girlfriend years before when “the allure of her panties reared its satin head.” What offered a sexual turn-on for him was a turn-off for her.

He wanted my help with shopping for dresses, but I was wearing work shirts and overalls—this was the early 1970s, and nobody condemned me for dressing like a male farm worker! Since I couldn’t offer shopping assistance, I spent time with him and listened.

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Since that time, I’ve learned much more about cross-dressing, now more commonly referred to as gender expression that varies from societal expectations. Cross-dressing itself is simply a clinical term, and most people who cross-dress do not have transvestic disorder. [UPDATED: It’s important to distinguish between cross-dressing as personal expression and transvestic disorder as defined in clinical contexts].

Research shows that 87% of male cross-dressers describe themselves as heterosexual, and 60% were married at the time of survey. Rather than choosing “macho professions to hide,” many people simply work in various fields while managing their personal expression separately from their professional identity.

Current understanding recognizes that cross-dressing exists on a spectrum of gender expression, distinct from gender identity. Transvestic disorder occurs when cross-dressing causes significant distress or impairment to daily life, but this represents only a small subset of people who engage in cross-dressing behaviors.

I don’t know what happened to Henry. I know he yearned for a female partner who would understand. He especially hoped that one day he would marry a woman who could accept him with all his quirks and proclivities. Back then I don’t believe there was as much support available as there is now.

Individuals reading this while exploring their gender expression might be concerned about being discovered. This fear is shared by many people who cross-dress. Rather than outdated resources, current support includes professional therapy specifically trained in gender and sexuality issues, as well as evidence-based online communities and educational materials. Modern gender-affirming care emphasizes patient-centered approaches and coordination between providers to optimize outcomes.

but it can help you find peace with yourself, especially if your intimate relationships are being adversely affected. Support groups and psychotherapy aimed at self-acceptance and reducing risky behaviors can be particularly helpful.

So, what if you’re a wife or girlfriend discovering your partner’s gender expression? I recommend a 90-day “chill” period before taking any drastic measures.

Talk to them about what they do and why. Current research-based resources for partners include educational materials from professional organizations and evidence-based support groups]. Research shows that a quarter of women report at least occasional positive responses to their partner’s cross-dressing, and acceptance is often linked to discovering the behavior before marriage and having open communication about it.

Professional support organizations continue to provide resources for cross-dressers and their families, offering everything from education to community support]. Organizations like Tri-Ess (Society for the Second Self) serve as educational, social, and support groups for heterosexual cross-dressers, their partners, and their families.

One wife told me years ago that it would have been easier to accept her husband if he announced he was gay. She felt scared she would lose “the butch part of him—the manly part.” That didn’t happen. Over time, she came to terms with it: “There are worse things he could be doing, and I’ve found he’s the same guy I fell in love with before he broke out the Little Bo Peep outfit for Halloween. I don’t always condone his fashion statements, but I don’t need to divorce him, either.”

Modern relationship research emphasizes that successful navigation of these issues requires open communication, education, and often professional support for both partners. Studies indicate that relationships can maintain quality and satisfaction when both partners engage in maintenance activities that buffer challenges and focus on relationship positives].

References:

1. Docter, R. F., & Prince, V. (1997). Transvestism: A survey of 1032 cross-dressers. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 26(6), 589-605. https://doi.org/10.1023/A:1024572209266
2. Psychology Today. (2024). Transvestic disorder. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/conditions/transvestic-disorder
3. Bullough, V. L., & Weinberg, T. S. (1994). Women in relationships with cross-dressing men: A descriptive study from a nonclinical setting. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 23(5), 515-530.
4. Coleman, E., Radix, A. E., Bouman, W. P., Brown, G. R., de Vries, A. L. C., Deutsch, M. B., … & Arcelus, J. (2022). Standards of Care for the Health of Transgender and Gender Diverse People, Version 8. International Journal of Transgender Health, 23(sup1), S1-S259.
5. Moini, J., & Ahangari, R. (2024). Cross-dressers. In Foundations of the Mind, Brain, and Behavioral Relationships (pp. 285-290). Academic Press.
6. Tri-Ess (Society for the Second Self). (2024). Educational and support resources for cross-dressers and families. https://www.triess.org/
7. McCann, E., Brown, M., & McCormick, F. (2021). The quality and satisfaction of romantic relationships in transgender people: A systematic review of the literature. International Journal of Transgender Health, 22(1-2), 4-22.

Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother, Amy Chua’s controversial 2011 book, advocates a highly controlling and often punitive style of parenting. A new study that looked specifically at this “tiger parent” style of parenting has found that it increases problem behaviors in children and may lead to mental health concerns.

How Punitive Parenting Affects Children

Previous research suggests that Chinese parenting styles differ from American parenting styles. Many Chinese parents believe that controlling their children’s behavior is a sign of support and love. Consequently, some Chinese parents show less affection toward their children while behaving in more controlling ways—a parenting style commonly known as authoritarian parenting.

Although past research has suggested that this parenting style is damaging to American children, cultural norms play a huge part in influencing the way parenting affects children. Cixin Wang, a professor at the Graduate School of Education at UC Riverside, grew up in China and wanted to examine whether authoritarian parenting styles were hard on Chinese children. [fat_widget_right]

The study surveyed 589 middle and high school students in Hangzhou, China. Children reported on their parents’ parenting style and behavior, as well as their own academic performance, self-esteem, and behavior. Children with punitive “tiger” parents had lower self-esteem and more difficulty adjusting to the demands of school. They also displayed more problem behaviors and were more likely to experience depression. Psychological control techniques, particularly withdrawing love, were especially problematic. These kinds of psychological control techniques are similar to those advocated by Chua in her book.

Which Parenting Style Is Best?

Though the study found that punitive parenting negatively affected children, excessive permissiveness by parents was also linked to negative outcomes for kids. Previous research on Western children has uncovered similar correlations. Child psychologists often measure parenting style by evaluating two factors: warmth and control. Parents deficient in either behavior tend to generate worse outcomes for kids. For example, parents who are low in warmth and control may tend to be neglectful.

While the latest study did not provide information about the “right” parenting style for Chinese children, it does suggest that Chinese children have similar needs to the American kids from other studies. Research on parenting demonstrates that authoritative parents who are high on both warmth and control get the best outcomes.

References:

1. Hold on, tiger mom: Punitive parenting may lead to mental health risks. (2014, September 23). Retrieved from http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2014/09/140922130745.htm
2. Parenting styles: A guide for the science-minded. (n.d.). Retrieved from http://www.parentingscience.com/parenting-styles.html

Fall and winter bring cooler nights and darker mornings. Along with the temperature and light changes, many people are also dealing with back-to-school changes for themselves or their children. There are changes in schedules, routines, expectations, and even relationships.

Though many people consider spring to be a time of new beginnings, autumn is that for many people. It is a time of reflection on the summer and the year thus far, as well as a time of preparation for the winter and upcoming holidays. As we enter the harvest season, consider the physical, emotional, and relational ways you may be affected by this transition.

The impact of light and temperature on the human body is profound. We all need some level of light and warmth for our bodies to survive and thrive. Autumn, for some parts of the world, marks a change in both light and warmth as we approach colder and darker days.

Consider the ideal temperature and amount of light that you physically desire. Do you love the bright sun and hot weather? Or do you prefer cooler temperatures with less intense sunlight? Are you more active now than you were two months ago? Or are you struggling to be physically active? Whatever your preference, the change in season will affect you. Understanding and responding to your needs will help you prepare for whatever season is approaching.

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Many people struggle with seasonal affective mood issues, commonly referred to as seasonal affective disorder (SAD)—a depression related to the change in seasons. For most, this begins in fall and continues through the winter months. It’s marked by moodiness, low energy, difficulty sleeping, a lack of interest in activities and relationships, feeling hopeless, and an overall sense of depression. Known more casually as “the winter blues,” SAD can have a significant impact on your mood and relationships. If you are more irritable, withdrawn, or moody during the winter months, the time to plan and prepare is now.

“Vanessa” called me at the beginning of August wanting therapy to plan for the winter. I was impressed that she was being so proactive. “I can’t do winter like that again,” she told me when I praised her. She wasn’t willing to experience another winter feeling as low as she did last year, so she wanted to do it differently this time.

To help you prepare for the upcoming season, ask yourself the following questions:

• Do you find yourself sleeping more? Are you struggling to get out of bed?
• Is it harder or easier to exercise now?
• Do you feel less patient? Are you easily annoyed or irritated?
• Do you feel more energized and productive?
• Has there been a shift or change in any of your relationships in recent weeks?
• Are you actively involved in your relationships?

Answering these questions could give you some insight about how the change in season may or may not be affecting you. Regardless of whether you are affected by SAD, there are three key points that will help you navigate and manage any seasonal changes.

1. Exercise, exercise, exercise. Moving your body on a regular basis has far-reaching, positive effects on your physical and emotional health. You don’t need to train for a marathon. Walking around your neighborhood, doing push-ups, running around outside with children—these all have the same benefit.
2. Get more light. Everyone needs to be exposed to sunlight on a daily basis. Since many jobs can be done indoors, this often takes effort. But the benefits are great, physically and emotionally. Our bodies absorb vitamin D, important to our health, from sunlight. And the energy and emotional boost that we get from a few minutes in the sun can be exceptional.
3. Talk it out. All transitions have their challenges, and it’s always easier when you’re talking to someone about it. Whether you’re talking to a friend, coworker, or therapist, let someone into your inner thoughts and experiences.

What works best for you as you enter a new season? What tips or techniques do you have to share with others? Share your experiences with us. Let’s learn from each other!

Most people have had a traumatic experience of some kind. While many of us learn to cope and be resilient in the face of trauma, others may become overwhelmed.

Trauma is an overwhelming experience, and it is our experience and reaction, more than the event itself, that defines trauma. The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders criteria for posttraumatic stress (PTSD) are specific and involve being exposed to something that threatens life; however, different people have a range of responses to similar situations. What may feel mundane to you could be traumatic to me, and vice versa. No judgment here—we are all wired differently.

Below are three simple steps that can help anyone facing an overwhelming life experience—be it a natural disaster, loss of a loved one, an experience of violence, or an abusive past.

Once we’ve encountered a trauma, how do we get through it? [fat_widget_trauma_ptsd_right]

1. Seek safety. The first step in addressing trauma is to create safety, on multiple levels. Physically, find a place to ground yourself and feel protected from harm. Then look for ways to actively nurture yourself. Think of a bird flying along and running into a glass window. What does that bird need—perhaps a little shoebox with some water and food, and loving hands and eyes to watch over it? On an emotional level, seek out those people in your life who can tend to you as you would that bird, who offer love, support, caring, and understanding. If you have a network of friends and family, call on them. There are also people and organizations out there to help, serve, and support you. Also, seek support on a spiritual level. Connecting with a higher power or deeper intelligence that resonates with you can be a saving grace. Many gravitate toward nature. Find what soothes your soul.
2. Process. Once you feel more grounded, contained, and safe (and you feel READY for this step), you can begin to process the parts of the experience that are still with you. Look to your body and find the movement that helps you get in touch with yourself and your feelings. Find a good therapist or group in which you can talk openly and honestly. As you process, you’ll continue to develop coping skills and strengths and build upon the safety and containment you’ve created.
3. Examine. When the bulk of your processing is over, life goes on. The goal is not to forget the traumatic experience but to resolve the emotional charge it holds in the present. Look at any learning or growth that has come from this experience. What insights have you gained? Make a note to yourself of any positive things you have learned that you can carry forward.

When we process one life event thoroughly, we may discover more there—other experiences or things we have learned about ourselves that deserve attention and healing. By now, hopefully, you have good relationships and supports you can lean on to continue your healing journey mindfully, with compassion for yourself and with the knowledge that efforts put toward healing will be helpful for you.

Disclaimer: It is never this neat. These steps will weave in and out of each other. Trauma, like life, can be chaotic, and healing is an art more than it is a science. Following your intuition and building a network of support will help. There is a way through; use these steps to guide you through your healing process.

I am primarily an introvert. Growing up, I didn’t give it much thought. I just remember that I enjoyed my alone time and would get annoyed if my mother pressured me to go out and play with friends. I was having fun with my books, war toys, and train sets, and did not understand what the problem was. She seemed to think I was being antisocial, uninvolved, and perhaps depressed.

It was as if I was doing something unhealthy and it was going to be her fault if she could not find a way to change me.

The thing is, I always had a few good friends. We just got together when we felt like it. Not seeing much of each other for a week or two did not matter. We always had fun when we got together, and have remained friends across time.

There were other things we had in common:

• We liked quiet. We could hang out for long periods of time and not talk much. When we did talk, we might talk a lot. But it was fine if no one had much to say.
• We liked alone time. It was as if we had only so much being-with-others energy. Once tapped, we would head to our caves and not come out until we felt like being with others again.
• We did not like study groups. Constant conversation seemed more disruptive than helpful when it was time to study.
• We were ambivalent about extroverts. We liked that they were usually friendly; that they initiated conversations in social settings; and that they liked it when we listened to them. We did not like that they talked a lot, all the time; that they got anxious or annoyed if we did not, or could not, respond when and how they wanted us to; and that they stressed so much if we did not agree with them, like we were committing a crime or something.
• We did not understand why so many people seemed to think we should be more sociable.

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One time, an extroverted girlfriend told me that my need for downtime was unhealthy, that I had a serious problem. This bothered me, so I decided to find out what people who are supposed to know about these things had to say about my inclination to introspection. I did not like what I found.

Among the descriptive terms for introverts in both standard dictionaries and psychological glossaries were: self-centered, primarily concerned with their own thoughts and feelings; reticent; lacking in energy and positive emotion; difficulty adjusting to social situations; excessive daydreaming and introspection; and withdrawal under stress.

A particularly annoying comment was found in the American Psychological Association’s Glossary of Psychological Terms—the message being that these behaviors and processes were matters of choice and, when not, may point to an underlying pathology such as a social phobia or avoidant personality disorder.

Talk about sandbagged! I was not choosing to enjoy solitary activities, I just enjoyed them. I was not choosing to be drained at times by ongoing interactions with others, I was just drained. Furthermore, I like people. When I choose to connect, I do so at a deep level, with genuine empathy.

However, according to some “experts” on human behavior, I run the risk of being perceived as seriously disturbed. Needless to say, I did not mention this to my girlfriend.

Years passed before I happened upon information about introversion that actually made sense. This information came from Carl Jung’s theory of psychological types and is the basis for the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator, arguably the measure of personality most widely referenced over the past 30 years.

Jung noticed that human beings have a birth nature. This nature, or psychological type, is determined by an individual’s natural and normal degree of response orientation toward one pole or the other on four behavior and/or process opposite dichotomies. Introversion-extroversion is one of these dichotomies.

A solid base of empirical evidence regarding the introverted process has grown from over 40 years of experience using the MBTI in both counseling and employment settings. Natural and normal traits and characteristics associated with the introverted process include:

• Primary source of life energy derived from introspective processes.
• Have limited social interactive energy. Usually require downtime to recharge when depleted.
• Come to conclusions through reflection. Conclusions are experienced as factual reality, as self-evident, and therefore may not be expressed.
• May have difficulty accessing words required to adequately express what they are thinking or feeling.
• Interruptions may disrupt their connection to what they are thinking, feeling, or saying.
• Are inner focused and, consequently, may not be aware of their impact on others.

As a general rule, the stronger an individual’s introverted response orientation, the greater the likelihood that the characteristics and traits above will apply.

Conclusion

There is a reason introverts experience a deep sense of satisfaction, even joy, in solitary pursuits, and it is not because there is something wrong with them. It is because they are, by nature, designed to generate life energy in this manner.

As with extremes in general, there is a point where one’s drive for solitude may become problematic. However, I have been working with introverted people in individual, couples, and family counseling settings for over 14 years now and, with rare exception, have found a person’s drive for solitary pursuits to be in balance with his or her degree of introverted response orientation.

Americans are famous for being a hard-working bunch, taking the fewest paid vacation days off. I, for one, spent the summer studying advanced yoga therapy techniques on weekends, and working during the week, especially during the months of June and August. But I made sure to take some time off at the beginning and again at the end of the season so I could relax a bit, and I’m glad I did. Studying ways to help people relax is hard work, and it can be pretty stressful!

What did I learn at yoga school? I studied what happens to your body when it is subjected to relentless stress, and the importance of learning how to relax and let go. The stress response works great if you’re running away from a hungry tiger, but prolonged stress is bad for you because it weakens the body and the brain.

This is why:

1. Your adrenal glands pump adrenaline, which raises your heart rate, your blood pressure, and increases the amount of sugar in your blood. Your adrenal cortex sends out cortisol, part of the stress response. This helps you run fast when you’re escaping the tiger, but when it becomes habitual and there aren’t any tigers to run away from, it is destructive.
2. Stress kills brain cells; a calm environment permits their growth. It is not true that brain cells stop growing when you’re an adult, they just grow more slowly. So help them out and give them a nice place to live.
3. Stress is associated with depression and anxiety. No fun.
4. Your immune system doesn’t work as well as it should. Ah-choo!
5. The right amount of stress is beneficial, but too much is deadly.

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That’s why relaxation is as important as eating well and getting enough exercise and should be part of your regular health routine. It’s a way to take care of yourself and show yourself some love. So if it’s not a part of your usual day, you might want to think about adding it to your program. Don’t have much time? I bet you can find five or 10 minutes to call your own if you look hard.

Maybe your family is demanding. Make some demands of your own in return. You need a break just as much as anyone needs anything.

Working hard for a tyrannical boss? Find a way to make your work environment more pleasant. Look around and see if there’s some small thing you can do to make things better for you—adding a foot rest, for example, if your seat is too high for you, or wearing really comfortable shoes if you spend a lot of time on your feet.

One powerful relaxation technique is restorative yoga. Like all yoga, the sequence is based on bending forward, backward, sideways, and twisting. The difference is that these poses are held for a long time—five or even 10 minutes. You place yourself in a pose, child’s pose, for example, but your body is supported by bolsters so that you are in complete and absolute comfort.

I invite you to try the restorative version of child’s pose. Start child pose the usual way, but with the short end of a bolster in front of you, and then fold over it lengthwise so your body is supported by the bolster. There are many such adaptations of yoga poses you may already know. You can get DVDs that will show you how, but I think if you are able, it’s best to visit a class or two and learn directly from a teacher.

Finally, if you absolutely can’t stop the worried, anxious chatter in your brain and you’re always wired, consider seeing a therapist for some help.

Below are some of my favorite ways to relax. Like everyone, I need time out for myself, even if it’s only a few minutes. I don’t always feel like I have to respond immediately to help other people. I need to take care of myself first, and you do, too.

1. Take warm, relaxing baths.
2. Go for a walk in the park.
3. Water and admire your plants.
4. Fill the room with a lovely scent.
5. Take a yoga class, or give yourself one.
6. Meditate.
7. Read.
8. Listen to music.
9. Have a nice visit with someone.
10. Watch television.
11. Go swimming.
12. Breathe.
13. Give yourself enough time to do things, so you’re not always rushing.
14. Laugh. This is very important. Among other things, laughter opens up the airways and pumps fresh air into your lungs. Also, it’s fun.
15. Dance.
16. Jog.
17. Pet the cat, dog, or other pets.

I bet you have many other favorite ways to relax, things you enjoy doing. The secret is to remember to do them. Helping others helps with your stress, by the way, so why not post your favorite ways to relax and give us more ideas? (If you feel like it, that is!)

References:

1. Berzin, R. (2014, July 20). 10 Reasons Why Stress Is The Most Dangerous Toxin In Your Life. Retrieved from http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-14560/10-reasons-why-stress-is-the-most-dangerous-toxin-in-your-life.html
2. Krantz, D., Thorn, B., & Kiecolt-Glaser, J. (2013). How Stress Affects Your Health. Retrieved from http://www.apa.org/helpcenter/stress-facts.pdf