Raising a child on the autism spectrum can be one of the most rewarding and yet taxing things some parents will ever experience.

I know.

In addition to being a therapist who works with families affected by autism spectrum issues, I, too, am a spectrum parent. Many of the people I help in my practice ask me how I am able to do it, as if I have some kind of secret or special ability they don’t. Honestly, it was my own journey in counseling—as a person in therapy—that helped me the most and gave me the skills I needed to navigate this challenge. It’s also why I decided to become a therapist.

As spectrum parents, we become adept at researching, finding, and financing all the right therapies for our kids, but we also have a tendency to neglect our own needs. In order to survive this parenting journey, seeking professional help may be necessary at some point.

Here are four ways counseling can help a parent of a child on the spectrum:

1. Adjusting to the Diagnosis

The autism diagnosis itself is often traumatic for parents. It can be a grueling process that may take up to a year or more, with multiple visits to several different professionals. During the process, parents are typically faced with myriad feelings, including anxiety, guilt, excessive worry, hope, and fear about the future. Oh, and a lot of waiting. Many parents end up being told that their child does not qualify for an autism diagnosis and are left at a dead end, with more questions than answers.

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Diagnosis or not, the grief is very real. Often, an understanding of the grief stages, and the knowledge that grief is cyclical, helps parents adjust. Everyone reacts differently to grief, and how one reacts has a great deal to do with what happened and whether they’ve dealt with it appropriately. A person may need therapeutic interventions such as cognitive restructuring or EMDR therapy to help them get past the shock or pain of the initial diagnosis.

2. Parenting Skills

Parenting a child on the spectrum can be very different than parenting a neuro-typical child. There are sensory issues to consider, educational decisions to be made, medical interventions, safety concerns, and therapeutic decisions, to name just a few. More often than not, these children also have accompanying health conditions and self-regulation difficulties. Parents can become incredibly overwhelmed and confused when faced with it all.

A counselor who is well-versed in the needs of autism spectrum families is crucial. Such a professional can help parents prioritize needs and reduce the anxiety associated with overwhelm.

I often tell couples that a diagnosis of autism doesn’t ruin a relationship, but their response to it might.

3. Staying Connected to Your Partner

It has been reported that parents of children with autism have a slightly higher divorce and marital discord rate than parents of typical children. That certainly comes as no surprise, as the stressors are generally greater. I often tell couples that a diagnosis of autism doesn’t ruin a relationship, but their response to it might.

Autism tends to shine a bright light on whatever issues were already there. A counselor who understands the constant stress autism places on a family can help a couple navigate the difficulties while staying connected.

This doesn’t happen overnight. It’s process that takes time, patience, and perseverance. But the results are worth it. There is no doubt in my mind that counseling saved my own marriage.

4. Stress Management

Stress is a significant factor in the development of disease. It can literally make us sick.

In order to stay healthy, we need to learn to manage stress effectively. The daily stress of an autism parent is tremendous and constant. A counselor can help by offering a caring, supportive ear, validating parenting efforts and encouraging self-care skills. Counseling can help someone through a rough patch or be used on an ongoing basis throughout the parent’s journey. Some of the parents I help keep me on speed-dial for help during tough times, while others have attended therapy regularly for years as their child has grown.

It is said that we cannot give out of an empty cup, that we need to put on our own oxygen masks before helping others. If you are the parent of a child with autism spectrum, counseling can make a tremendous difference in how you play the cards you’ve been dealt. In the end, that’s a win-win for your entire family.

References:

Conversion therapy—which attempts to make LGBTQ people straight—is now illegal for minors in a handful of states, including New Jersey. Though proponents of this therapy argue that it supports sexual choice and religious freedom, it has been widely criticized for stigmatizing LGBTQ populations, using dangerous or abusive methods, and not working the way it promises it will.

Jews Offering New Alternatives for Healing (JONAH), a New Jersey organization that offered conversion therapy, was found guilty of consumer fraud late last month. In the first case to put conversion therapy on trial, jurors found that JONAH engaged in deceptive practices. The organization encouraged its clients to re-enact traumatic childhood memories, publicly undress, and attack effigies of their mothers. The civil jury agreed to award more than $20,000 to the plaintiffs.

Semicolon Tattoos Are a New Way to Talk About Mental Health

Project Semicolon hopes to add to the dialogue about mental health with a simple tattoo. Semicolons, the project explains, indicate a sentence that could have ended, symbolizing the decision to continue living. The project advocates drawing a semicolon or getting a semicolon tattoo somewhere on the body to draw attention to mental health issues while highlighting the power of continuing to live. [fat_widget_left]

Going on Nature Walks Is Good for Mental Health, Study Finds

If you’ve ever gotten lost contemplating everything that’s wrong with your life, you already know that rumination can cause depression. To test the ability of walking to reduce rumination, researchers recruited 38 participants, each with no history of mental health issues, and asked them to walk for 90 minutes. Questionnaires and brain scans before and after the walks suggested a reduction in rumination, but only among those who went hiking. Those who walked on busy streets did not reduce ruminative thoughts. 

Most Antipsychotic Drugs Prescribed to Teens Without Mental Health Diagnosis, Study Finds

Antipsychotic drug use is on the rise among teens, according to a study published in JAMA Psychiatry. The study analyzed prescription trends between 2006 and 2010, and found that about 1.19% of teens used antipsychotics in 2010, compared to 1.1% in 2006. Though these powerful drugs are designed to treat mental health issues, no clinical diagnoses were made for 60% of antipsychotic users aged 1–6, 56.7% of those aged 7–12, 62% of those aged 13–18, and 67.1% of those aged 19–24.

Screen Addiction Is Taking a Toll on Children

In China, doctors now consider screen addiction a clinical problem. Children who spend too much time on technological gadgets may face draconian treatments, such as being confined without access to technology for months. Children addicted to technology may refuse to eat, sleep, or even break to use the bathroom. Screen addiction is also raising concerns in the United States, where organizations such as the American Academy of Pediatrics have recommended limiting children’s screen time. 

Emotional Awareness Training ‘Reduces Severe Crime Reoffending Rates’

Some research suggests that young people who commit crimes have trouble reading social cues. This phenomenon is often written off as a permanent state, but a new study suggests that emotional awareness training could improve empathy and reduce recidivism rates. Twenty-four of 50 young people with a history of criminal behavior underwent training designed to improve emotional recognition. The other half of the group went through standard protocols recommended by their case managers. Both groups had a reduced recidivism rate, and those who underwent emotional awareness training engaged in less serious crimes when they did re-offend. 

Suicide Attempts Most Common in Newer Soldiers, Study Found

New soldiers who have not been deployed are more likely to take their own lives, a new study suggests. Researchers found that 377 out of 100,000 enlisted soldiers attempted suicide, compared to 28 out of 100,000 officers. White soldiers were more likely to attempt suicide than blacks or Hispanics. Those with no college education and at early stages in their career also showed an increased propensity for suicide.

Thank you for reaching out with such a powerful and important question. I commend you for taking the time and being thoughtful, considerate, and deliberate in planning your course of action with what could be a highly sensitive situation.

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My first thought about this is whether you’ve spoken to your girlfriend about your concerns. Does she know about your family’s tendencies? She may have similar feelings or worries, and together the two of you can discuss the various options and come to a decision that best suits everyone. I’m quite confident that she has been dealing with various forms of racism for quite some time, as she was in an interracial relationship and now has biracial children. Given that, she may have her own perspectives on how to deal with situations like this in a way that is supportive to her and the children. If you haven’t yet spoken with her about this, I would suggest you start there. Not only will having that discussion clear things up for you and help you clarify your course of action, it will help build your relationship by fostering open and caring communication.

As the saying goes, the best defense is a good offense. I suggest you openly discuss this with the whole family, talk about your concerns, and plan a strategy.

Should you both decide to attend the family reunion, you may indeed be faced with the challenges you are concerned about. As the saying goes, the best defense is a good offense. I suggest you openly discuss this with the whole family, talk about your concerns, and plan a strategy. Discuss the fact racism still exists, it’s still a problem for minorities, and it can be incredibly hurtful to be on the receiving end.

If your family makes racist comments, you can choose how to handle it. You can decide as a family if you are going to address the comments calmly and rationally, or if you will decide to remove yourself from the situation. You can plan a response such as, “I will not allow my family to be subjected to this sort of racist behavior. If you want us to stay, you will apologize and refrain from further comments of that nature.” The other option is to choose to leave immediately.

What is NOT a good option is to lose control, get angry, and make a scene. As difficult as it may be to remain calm in those types of circumstances, nothing is ever resolved by acting in anger. If you are concerned that you can’t handle this sort of situation without getting angry and making a scene, I suggest you not be in it at all.

It sounds as though this relationship has the potential to be long-term, as you seem committed to her and the children. If that is the situation, you will be faced with a lot of racism, microaggressions, and other painful situations for as long as racism continues to be an issue in our world. Sadly, there is a long way to go on that front. You are in a unique position to act as an ally for your girlfriend’s children, and in some ways, for all people of color.

If you and your girlfriend decide to go to your reunion and face what can possibly arise, you are opening yourselves up to be uncomfortable, hurt, and upset. On the other hand, you may be opening up opportunities for dialogue, reflection, and maybe even change in your family. This is not an easy situation, and it will require much of you and your girlfriend to navigate it with grace, but I believe that with honesty, openness, and a willingness to engage, you can manage it. I hope you believe that, too.

Best wishes in the journey!
Lisa

There’s a reason you and your partner can’t agree. It’s because you started out as opposites. And opposites attract. So annoying, right? But you are in excellent company because opposites attracted long before the human species got here.

It turns out that Einstein’s theory of relativity is built on it, and if you remember your high school science, electrons and protons whoosh right into each other. In the animal kingdom, opposite-ness has the survival value of creating a diverse set of genes.

But among humans, the problem gets a bit complex when the very qualities that attracted us in the first place are the ones we now find highly irritating.

In the world of corporate America, it is well known that people work well together when they are similar in outlook and disposition. If we merely choose people we can get along with, we tend to choose similar ones. But if we choose those we are attracted to, then our unconscious tends to kick in and lead us down paths we probably wouldn’t take if only we knew (consciously) we were doing it. Often, those paths lead to our opposites.

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Then again, attraction is hardwired into the animal kingdom, so it must have a positive purpose. What could that possibly be? Back in 1967, Henry V. Dicks had a theory about this (Whitehouse, 1981). According to his view, we are attracted to someone who has a quality we don’t have because that quality was a part of our personality when we were children. At some point, it was attacked or rejected by our parents. So we also rejected it, but at the same time missed it.

Because the quality was put down, we don’t care for it. But because the quality was a part of us at one time, it is still attractive. So, we now have ambivalence about that quality. In a 1981 study of 30 people, it turned out that the annoying quality was an exaggeration of the very quality the person was originally attracted to, supporting Dicks’ theory.

So, for example, if a person was attracted to someone who was outgoing, years later the complaint might be that the object of attraction socializes too much and doesn’t pay enough attention to the person.

What do you do? How do you resolve these sorts of things without giving up who you are?

This is an interesting psychoanalytic approach. Here’s mine: We are here on Earth to learn and grow. We reach for the stars. That is hardwired into us. That part of us that wants to expand our horizons naturally would be attracted to people who have qualities we don’t have. Yet, we of course get along best with people whose outlook and style are more similar to ours. We are pulled in both directions. I think it’s as simple as that.

What if you find yourself in exactly that situation right now? You are in a relationship with someone who seems to be your polar opposite. You are a saver; the other person is a spender. You like to travel; your soulmate likes to stay home. You feel that a comfortable home is a tidy one; your significant other feels home is where it’s most relaxed. You prefer time alone together; your mate wants to socialize. What do you do? How do you resolve these sorts of things without giving up who you are?

Step 1: Get the Magic Back

Without the magic you once had, all the discussions in the world may be of no avail. There was a time when you counted the minutes to being together. There was a time when the list of things above would have been petty in your eyes.

Do something fun, exciting, romantic, and then do something else that’s wild and happy.

The magic comes when you put the whole person into perspective. You used to love something deep and undefinable about that person; now it’s time to reach for that something again.

Step 2: Take a Look Inside

Use the ideas presented above to look at yourself. What is it that you wanted in this other person? What is it about you that is missing that thing? How did that happen? How did you come to find it attractive in your partner?

A little soul searching may help you remember that you had a reason—a good reason—to be attracted to this person. There was, indeed, something about him or her that completed you, even if you were not consciously aware of it at the time.

Step 3: Cherish That Quality

You were once attracted to that quality, so now is not the time to reject it. Cherish it.

True, it may need some refining. We were all put here to grow, and that includes not only you but your friends and relatives as well. By being in contact with one another, each of us can grow.

But the best possible climate for growth comes from acceptance, not rejection. If Dicks’ theory is correct, then plainly we see that rejection by our parents did not help us grow. Take responsibility for the fact you chose this partner.

Step 4: Say What You Need

If you have done all of this introspection and recognize where the attraction came from for this now-annoying quality, and it is still intolerable, speak up! But do it with love.

So many people think that being assertive is the same as being harsh, demanding, and autocratic. That’s the furthest thing from the truth. The reality is that an assertive response is one that doesn’t beat around the bush but doesn’t say it with anger, either. Although you may be annoyed, do some deep breathing and let go of the bad feelings.

Step 5: Figure Out a Solution Together

The beauty of relationships is that so much can be accomplished by putting your head together with someone else’s. Almost every problem really does have a solution. Enjoy the teamwork and the renewed sense of closeness it fosters.

And if you need a little nudge or guidance in the right direction, contact a qualified therapist.

Reference:

Whitehouse, J. (1981). The role of the initial attracting quality in marriage: Virtues and vices. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 7(1), 61-67.

Amid or following divorce or separation, some families face the issue of one or more children refusing to be in contact with one of the parents. While the dynamics of any family experiencing this can be quite complicated, children may behave in this way for a variety of reasons.

Here are some examples (for the purposes of this article, one parent is referred to as the preferred parent, the other the resisted parent):

• There may be conflict between the parents, and the child does not want to remain caught in the middle.
• The child may have been closer to one parent than the other when everyone lived together.
• The child may be in a developmental phase where alignment with one parent over the other is age- and/or gender-related.
• One parent may be involved with a new partner before the child is ready and/or comfortable with the situation.
• The preferred parent is more financially secure or otherwise stable than the resisted parent.
• The child chooses who he or she believes most needs to be taken care of based on the circumstances.
• There is ongoing litigation (even if the children do not know the details, they often see the effects of the stress).
• Both the preferred parent and the child believe the resisted parent is not safe.

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In these situations, it is often the favored parent’s belief that the resisted parent caused the resistance; meanwhile, the resisted parent often believes that the favored parent is responsible for the child’s refusal to see him or her. While either of these scenarios can certainly be the case, families are complicated systems in which many behaviors and relationships impact what everyone experiences.

There are two important options, which are not mutually exclusive, to consider here: (1) Improve both the favored and resisted parents’ relationships with the child, or (2) improve the co-parenting relationship. As complicated as the family system may be, individual relationships within the system can be addressed. Both parents have responsibility for their part in the family dynamic, including the favored parent.

When children can see their parents having civil and respectful interactions and making it a mutual priority to offer safety, this often leads to a relaxation of the need to push one parent away.

The favored parent may have a difficult time seeing or appreciating how he or she responded when the child did not want to see the other parent. When a child tells you about something negative that happened with the other parent, for example, it can feel natural to sympathize with the child and build a case against or undermine the connection between the child and the resisted parent. This isn’t fair to the other parent or the child. When a child provides negative information, contacting the other parent and asking what he or she knows about it is a good place to start. Secondly, it’s important to help your child understand that he or she can talk to the other parent about it and not have you be his or her voice.

The resisted parent, of course, has an important role to play in the relationship with the child and in behaving in a way that is inviting. Children who resist a parent sometimes feel the expression of affection, for example, as intrusive. It can be expressed, however, without the expectation of reciprocation. This gives the child room to make a choice. It sometimes happens, with time, that the child begins to respond. It is important that the resisted parent let the child know he or she is loved, without conditions.

There are many more ways for both the resisted parent and the preferred parent to alter their behaviors with the goal of improving the relationships between children and parents. The most important is to improve the co-parenting relationship. When children can see their parents having civil and respectful interactions and making it a mutual priority to offer safety, this often leads to a relaxation of the need to push one parent away.

If a child in your family is resistant toward one parent and your co-parenting strategies have been ineffective, contact a therapist in your area for help.

We may have experienced various traumatic experiences in childhood, whether it be abuse, neglect, abandonment, or ongoing misattunements from caregivers that impact our ability to feel safe to attach. Even though the events themselves may be behind us, those internal responses to the traumatic experiences—images, sensations, meanings we create, and emotions—can become “stuck” in the nervous system. They continue to have a “charge.” That charge stays in our system, is stored maladapatively, and is part of our inner world.

At the most unexpected times, this material can push through what we would consider our “normal” day-to-day activities—such as parenting, working, relationship building, and self-care—in the “outside world.” As a result, we may find ourselves in a constant balancing act of pushing back at that charge. Our normal everyday selves, if you will, try to show the world that we are fine on the outside, even though there may be a lot of material that pushes through.

For example, perhaps we are in a discussion with a loved one when, all of the sudden, we interpret that we are being abandoned, even while there is no actual evidence of this. Or perhaps while attempting to set a boundary with a child, we feel feelings of guilt because we don’t feel that we “deserve” to set those boundaries. All of these can be intrusions on day-to-day life, all from past hurts.

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Those feelings and interpretations can actually be the experiences of the past clouding the now, stopping us from truly being in the moment. The nervous system is activated and defending itself from a past injustice. Unfortunately, that charge from the past compels your nervous system to act as if the traumatic experience is still happening.

There can then develop a kind of tug-of-war between who we are on the outside and the charges that remain from the past. If the tug-of-war with the traumatic material becomes too much and we become flooded, we may need to go numb in order to be able to still “do” life on the outside. We may shut down. Even if we do, it doesn’t mean that the material on the inside is gone; it just means that we have had to become more unaware of it in order to function on the outside.

One of the most challenging aspects of complex trauma, whether or not pursuing EMDR therapy, is that we must be able to identify and “own” our feelings and experiences. This allows us to then process traumatic experiences from the perspective of being “here and now” and visiting them versus feeling as if one is flooded and still in those experiences. In EMDR language, we look for one’s ability to maintain dual attention. It expands into making sure we stay within a window of tolerance as we visit those memories.

Often, those starting their healing work find themselves in one of two extremes: flooded by feelings all of the time or feeling completely numb.

For some, this may not seem like such a large step, but for the majority of those who are healing from complex trauma, it is in fact very difficult. Often, those starting their healing work find themselves in one of two extremes: flooded by feelings all of the time or feeling completely numb. The numbness often comes because the material in our inside world becomes unmanageable and we become more fearful of that material. We shut down from the outside world because the inside world is so invasive.

We typically learn to dance this dance of “daily life” vs. “inner stuff” at an early age. In infancy, we learn that our attachment to our caregivers is required; we cannot survive without a caregiver or we will die. Period. We also learn that our attachment relationship is dependent upon us being in tune with our caregiver’s reactions—to know what to do, how to act, and how OK it is (or not OK) to have our emotions be expressed and seen in the outside world.

We also determine whether it is dangerous to really identify, own, and be with the feelings of shame, anger, or sadness, even happiness or calm. We then create certain strategies that seem helpful at the time but show up later as distressing symptoms. As outlined in my previous article on blocking beliefs, it is often those cognitive errors that hold us back from fully realizing and being in tune with our past hurts because it was, at the time, too much to fully realize.

In future articles, I will share more about what it means to fully realize and own what was once unrealized, back when we were experiencing past injustices. Similarly, I will share more regarding what it means to own and process feelings we may have deemed unacceptable in order to survive the past.

If you are a therapist and are interested in expanding your knowledge on this topic, especially as it relates to structural dissociation theory, you are encouraged to read The Haunted Self: Structural Dissociation and the Treatment of Chronic Traumatization (2006) by Onno van der Hart, Ellert R.S. Nijenhuis, and Kathy Steele.

It’s a commonly held belief that while our parents’ generation failed to pay enough attention to our thoughts and feelings as children, our generation cares too much about our children’s thoughts and feelings. While this is certainly an over-generalization, I believe it reflects an important reality: Parents today have difficulty setting limits and saying “no” to their kids.

This does not mean we should stop listening to our children. Rather, the key to effective limit setting is finding a balance between being firm, on the one hand, and giving our children some control on the other. If we can identify what our children are capable of, hold onto the limits we know to be important, compromise on those we don’t, and include our children in the process when appropriate, the limit setting process can be (if not exactly fun) quite manageable.

To illustrate this point, I would like to start by describing some limit setting dilemmas a few parents with whom I have worked have faced, and a parenting moment of my own (lest anyone think I am suggesting this limit setting stuff is easy). I have changed the names and details for confidentiality purposes.

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Sleepless Sally: Dan and Mary attended a limit setting workshop I gave because their 2-year-old, Sally, was not listening to them. When I asked Dan and Mary about their approach to limit setting, they explained that they never used the word “no” with Sally because it was too negative. Instead, they would try to explain the reason for the limit in a more positive tone. For example, when Sally refused to get ready for bed (a frequent occurrence), they would tell her, “You need your sleep. Aren’t you tired yet? It’s important to get enough sleep.” When I asked them what they would do if Sally started to run into the street by herself, they responded, “Sally, why don’t you stay with Mommy and Daddy?” They knew their approach wasn’t working, but did not know how to fix it.

Trampoline Thomas: Another parent, Karen, who consulted with me about her 5-year-old son, Thomas, explained that Thomas did not respect the limits she tried to set. Karen was particularly upset over a recent visit to a friend’s house. Her friend had a trampoline, which Thomas absolutely loved. Thomas loved it so much, in fact, that he refused to stay at the kitchen table during dinner, instead leaving the table to go on the trampoline. Karen tried to dissuade Thomas from going to the trampoline during dinner, but she couldn’t seem to figure out how to get him to stay. After a few nights of unsuccessfully trying, Karen decided to set a consequence for Thomas: If he got up from the table and went to the trampoline during dinner, he could not play on the trampoline at all the next day. Despite Karen’s warning, at the next dinner Thomas got up and went to the trampoline. The next day, Thomas was not allowed on the trampoline, but that night at dinner, he did the same thing again. When I heard this story, I was surprised; I would have thought a day without the trampoline would have been enough to get Thomas to change his tune. As I inquired more about the consequence and its implementation, however, Karen sheepishly admitted that not only had Thomas been prohibited from using the trampoline, but everyone had been disallowed from using it, lest Thomas be upset about being left out!

Reserved Rachel: While my daughter, Rachel, had always been rather reserved, it wasn’t until she was 9 years old that my husband and I really took in the fact she was not saying hello to anyone in our building (or in public), even if they greeted her first. Pointing out to Rachel that this was rude or that others might not like her did not seem to help, nor did setting consequences or rewards. We were really at a loss.

I recount these stories not to show how lousy these parents and I are at parenting. We aren’t. In fact, we are all loving, caring parents who really just want to figure out how best to support and help our children. Frankly, all parents try things with their kids that don’t work. Rather, I want to use these stories to highlight how complicated limit setting can be and to point out some of the important questions we need to ask ourselves as we go about the job of figuring out how to set limits with our kids. These questions include:

1. Why are limits important?
2. How do I know when limits are appropriate?
3. How do I enforce limits?
4. When and how should I use consequences?
5. When and how should I use incentives?

1. Why Are Limits Important?

Sometimes, amid the battle of limit setting, we feel like giving up and giving in. At these times, it can be helpful to remind ourselves why we need to stick with it. And here’s why:

Limits help children feel safe, physically and emotionally: It may seem like our children hate us when we tell them what (not) to do, but unconsciously (and sometimes even consciously), children often have their fingers crossed that we will take charge. Why? Because they don’t have total control over themselves and this is scary for them! Until they learn self-control, which happens slowly over the years, our children rely on us to provide that structure and control. In fact, it is partly how they learn self-control, by internalizing the structures and limits we provide them. It is how they feel safe.

For example, if a 2-year-old is doing something dangerous (like running out into the street), the parent must act quickly (“No!” is great for dangerous situations). Two-year-olds do not have the impulse control or reasoning skills to assess danger on their own. They need to be taught to be cautious and wary of certain situations.

Limits teach children how to regulate their different needs (hunger, tiredness, transitions, etc.): Children need to learn how to listen to their bodies and respond appropriately. This is not something that comes easily or quickly. By having routines and limits for our children, we are helping to regulate our children in ways they are not yet capable of. We are also modeling for them the importance of listening to one’s body and needs.

Perhaps because of our determination not to make the same mistakes our parents made with us and/or because of all the research showing us how smart and capable our children are from very young, parents today often assume that our children are able to regulate their needs on their own, much as adults do. However, this is typically not the case. Learning to self-regulate is a process that happens over many years; it is a developmental task that can’t be rushed. At any given moment in time, we need to figure out what our children are capable of and not ask more from them.

For example, understanding the importance of sleep and being able to choose one’s bedtime is something that Sally, at 2, is simply not capable of. She does not have the cognitive capacity to understand the importance of sleep, delay gratification, or regulate her tiredness and activity level.

Limits teach children important social skills (turn taking, being polite): I am a big believer in allowing children to feel whatever it is they feel, no matter how difficult it may be for them or their parents to handle. However, feeling something and acting on it are two very different things. While a 1-year-old may not be capable of distinguishing between the two, a 5-year-old certainly is.

Thomas, for example, is probably capable of sitting at the dinner table for a reasonable amount of time, assuming he is developmentally more or less on track. At some point, trying to understand why Thomas has trouble sitting at the table will be helpful, but understanding is not a substitute for setting the limit.

Rachel, after much discussion, agreed to work on greetings through role-playing with my husband and me. Rachel also suggested she would try to make eye contact and smile and/or wave to people so that they would not think she was rude. We all agreed on a system for carrying this out. Carried out with starts and fits over time, these solutions helped Rachel feel more comfortable interacting with the outside world.

Parents are one of the primary carriers of culture for our children in these early years. It is our responsibility to teach our children how to be in the world in a way that won’t annoy everyone else. Introducing some of the social graces—sitting at the dinner table, taking turns, greetings, thank yous, etc.—and limiting the no-nos—hitting, biting, grabbing, etc.—is an important part of that job.

Limits help children build self-esteem: When children are able to predict and meet our expectations, they feel more competent. As children learn through our limits how to regulate their needs, handle their feelings, and function effectively in the outside word, they become more confident. However, when we expect too much of them, the opposite can happen; kids can become very frustrated and disappointed in themselves. This brings us to our next question …

2. How Do I Know When Limits Are Appropriate?

I would argue that limits are appropriate when they reflect an understanding of what your child is capable of developmentally, reflect an understanding of your child’s unique needs, and take your (the parents’) needs and preferences into consideration.

One of the problems that Dan and Mary faced with Sally was that they didn’t seem confident about how much sleep she needed. Although it can be hard to know how much sleep an individual child needs, there is a range that is commonly accepted (which you can readily find online). After we discussed this range together, Dan and Mary, through trial and error over a few weeks, were able to figure out how much sleep Sally needed. Feeling more confident about how much sleep Sally needed then made it easier for Dan and Mary to enforce her bedtime. Having a consistent bedtime helped Sally get the sleep her body needed and helped her begin to learn how to self-regulate her own tiredness.

Another reason setting limits is important is that it helps you take care of yourself. For example, having a consistent, reasonably timed bedtime for your child usually gives you some much-needed down time—time to relax, catch up with your partner, and recharge a bit before you face another day of parenting. This benefits not only you, but your child as well. A parent who takes care of himself or herself is generally a happier, more patient parent.

Lastly, when deciding which limits to set, try not to sweat the small stuff. If allowing your child to watch an additional 15 minutes of television gives them a sense of agency and you a much-needed break, why not? As long as the 15 minutes doesn’t turn into two hours, being flexible within your structure gives your child the message you are willing to take their wants and needs into consideration, but that when you set a firm limit, there is a reason for it. In my experience, children tend to respect limits more when there is some flexibility on the stuff that is not as important.

3. How Do I Enforce Limits?

When setting limits, I recommend keeping the following in mind:

• Be clear (with yourself and child) about why you are setting this limit.
• Be clear with how you are setting this limit.
• Be firm; don’t turn back!
• Less is more.
• Separate feelings from behaviors.

Before setting a limit, you need to be confident about why you are setting it. Kids of all ages pick up on doubt. If you start to waver, you are going to have a much harder time setting the limit. When explaining a limit, less is definitely more. With Sally, age 2, “It is time for sleep” is about all she can handle. Said with confidence, Sally will understand the importance of this limit, even if she goes to bed kicking and screaming.

With a child like Thomas, age 5, a longer explanation can be offered, preferably ahead of time rather than in the moment, something in the realm of, “During dinner, you need to sit at the table with everyone else.” “You are not allowed on the trampoline during dinner; it is not safe.” “If you leave the table tonight, you will not be able to use the trampoline at all tomorrow,” or some variation thereof. If your child has questions about the limit you’re setting, feel free to explore, but when it starts to feel repetitive and unproductive, I would suggest ending the conversation with something like, “I’m sorry you feel that way, but this is how it is going to be.”

The key to effective consequences is finding ones that are realistic in terms of age-appropriateness and practicality, relevant to the behavior you are limiting, and are something you have the means and wherewithal to follow through on.

With Thomas, it might even be possible to discuss what is going on for him, what he is feeling, and why he doesn’t want to sit at the dinner table. Perhaps there is something specific that is bothering him. More generally, in setting limits with a 5-year-old, it is often a good idea to ask what limits they consider appropriate. Interestingly, children often come up with harsher limits than we do and are more likely to follow limits they have helped set. Of course, if it feels like your child is playing a game of what-can-I-get-away-with, this is not the route to go.

With Rachel, age 9, I believe she was able to follow through on the agreed-upon strategy in part because she helped come up with the alternatives (eye contact, smile, and waving) herself. Children tend to respond better to limits when they feel like they have some control, no matter how small that control is.

Of course, once you’ve set your limit, you need to enforce it. If you are not able to follow through, the limit obviously gets harder to enforce. However, even if you have had difficulty in the past, it is never too late to start to enforce a limit. A quick heads-up to your child about the change may be useful in advance. “I know I have been letting you get up from the dinner table the past few nights, but tonight is going to be different …” Your child may very well test you for a few nights, but if you are firm, you should be able to get back on track relatively quickly.

Checking in with yourself as to why you are having difficulty enforcing the limit is a good place to start. One reason some parents have difficulty enforcing their limits is because of what I call the “empathy trap.” When our children are upset, we feel badly for them and want to empathize with them. It’s important for us to do this, yes, but when their being upset is connected with a misbehavior or refusal to comply with a limit, we need to be able to separate our children’s behavior from their feelings so we can effectively set the necessary limit. I generally recommend a simple statement of empathy followed by a limit. With Sally, it might mean a sympathetic, “Aww, I know it’s hard,” as you carry her off to bed. With Thomas leaving the table, I might say something like, “I know it is hard for you to sit at the table, but dinner is not over yet.” With Rachel it was, “I know how hard it is for you to greet people in our building, but it is important you not appear rude.”

Later, when the limit setting moment has passed, you might talk to your child about their feelings connected with the (mis)behavior, either through direct conversation (as with Thomas or Rachel) or, for younger children such as Sally, through reading a relevant, age-appropriate book (e.g. on bedtime) or through making a simple observation such as, “Sometimes children get angry at their mommy and daddy when they make them go to bed.” We want to validate all of our children’s feelings, but not all of their behaviors.

4. When and How Should I Use Consequences?

Sometimes you can set a limit and not have to give consequences. Phew! For those times when limits alone seem not to be working, however, consequences can be very effective. Of course, setting consequences is not always easy. One of the difficulties parents face in setting consequences is the worry they will have to keep enforcing the consequence over and over again, which can feel too punishing and depriving, or feel like too much work. However, if consequences are chosen wisely, enforcing them just a few times is often enough to deter the continuation of the misbehavior without being overly punitive.

The key to effective consequences is finding ones that are realistic in terms of age-appropriateness and practicality, relevant to the behavior you are limiting, and are something you have the means and wherewithal to follow through on. In the example with Thomas, Karen was able to pick a consequence that was realistic insofar as it was developmentally appropriate and seemingly practical and relevant insofar as it involved the trampoline, but she didn’t seem to have the wherewithal or confidence to follow through. She simply could not tolerate the idea of Thomas being left out.

One consequence that is particularly controversial among parents and parenting experts is the timeout. There are probably as many opinions about timeouts as there are parents and experts, so my opinion should be taken as just that, an opinion. It is my belief that timeouts should primarily be used for when a child is in some way out of control—temper tantrums, disrupting a gathering, biting, hitting, or threatening another, etc. The main point of a timeout should be to help the child feel more in control of their behavior. In this view, timeouts are less about punishment and more about removing the child from a troublesome or volatile situation.

Regardless of why you give your child timeouts, however, it is important you do so in an effective way. Ideally, your child would be able to be in their own room or crib until they have calmed down or for however long you have designated the timeout. Depending on the situation, you might choose to be right outside the door to let the child know you are there (without a lot of discussion or engagement), but this does not mean being in the room with your child. Sometimes parents have their child sit on a chair quietly for a few minutes. This is fine as long as the child experiences it to be calming in some way or, if you are using it as a punishment, somewhat negative. The goal with timeouts, like other consequences, is to motivate the child to not do the behavior again and/or to help the child regroup and calm down.

5. When and How Do I Use Incentives?

Sometimes there are behaviors that don’t seem consequence-worthy but need limits, such as getting ready in the morning, getting ready for bed, cleaning your room, etc. In his wonderful book on limit setting, 1-2-3 Magic, Dr. Thomas Phelan calls these behaviors “start behaviors.” These are behaviors you want your child to do (rather than not do) that generally require more participation from your child than “stop” behaviors.

One of the techniques Dr. Phelan recommends for incentivizing these behaviors is “positive reinforcement” (or as some of us prefer to call them, “bribes”). Stickers, treats, etc., are great for these behaviors and help get you and your child out of battle mode. Just be sure to pick a reward that is age-appropriate (a 2-year-old simply cannot wait a whole week for a reward) and is sustainable over the medium- to long term—e.g. a few graham crackers versus a lollipop every day.

Again, as much as possible, involve your child. Even a 2-year-old can decide choose between graham crackers or Goldfish for a reward; the child will feel more in control and is more likely to comply with your limits. Some parents lament the idea of having to bribe their child indefinitely, but it is my experience that (for most behaviors) once the behavior becomes routine, the reward is less important and eventually can be discontinued or modified if you so choose.

Conclusion

Limit setting is not for the fainthearted (neither is having children!), and a lot of figuring out what works is through trial and error and being open to considering other approaches. If you maintain an open attitude to learning about your child’s capabilities and needs and set realistic, age-appropriate limits that allow for some input from your child when warranted, you will most likely find the job of limit setting gets easier and easier as time goes by (well, at least until your child turns 13—EEK!).

In my articles on anger management, I frequently talk about how anger gets disguised as another emotion. Conversely, I also emphasize the reverse: other emotions left unnoticed and unacknowledged can turn into anger. In this article, I offer no disguises, no cover-ups. Witness instead a direct creator and perpetrator of anger.

I expect things. So do you, and so does everyone else. These expectations encompass virtually everything we conceive. We expect things about our bodies and minds, other people (along with their bodies and minds), our jobs, our pets, the sun and moon. If I sound a bit hyperbolic, it’s because I mean to emphasize this: the vast majority of the thoughts we have throughout any given day are comprised of expectations. And with these expectations—every single one of them—we create frustration, irritation, and anger.

An expectation, put in the simplest of terms, is a thought about the way we want something to be. Expectations can range from the obvious form of “I really want to get that job” to more subtle expressions that hardly go noticed, like heavy sighing or rolling one’s eyes. Regardless of what form an expectation takes, it ushers in personalized judgment about the way we think the world should be.

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Expectations trap us when we cannot see past them. When we lead with them and then meet up with something very different from our particular desire, anger is typically the result. At its core, anger expresses dissatisfaction with reality. All the different words for anger apply here: irritation, frustration, annoyance, being “miffed,” etc. The intensity of our anger is often directly correlated to the level of attachment we have to our expectations of reality.

It might seem as if I’ve made expectations out to be truly heinous. Usually at this point, a person I’m working with in therapy might say something like, “Well, then, I suppose I should have no expectations at all? Just have no standards?” On the contrary! Standards dictate our commitment, connection, and drive for excellence. What I shop here isn’t an end to expectations, but a renegotiation with them.

Expectations in and of themselves are actually harmless. They can be viewed from the perspective of expressing personal tastes and preferences. Expectations get the better of us only when they become rigid barriers keeping us from flexibly working with what life hands us.

Expectations in and of themselves are actually harmless. They can be viewed from the perspective of expressing personal tastes and preferences. Expectations get the better of us only when they become rigid barriers keeping us from flexibly working with what life hands us. Toward a more functional use of expectations, I offer the use of what I call basic requirements.

Basic requirements express the base-level necessities that must be met for us to continue cultivating a relationship with another person, a job, a lifestyle, etc. Whereas expectations get used as billy clubs to bash over the head of a reality that doesn’t meet our desires, basic requirements take a more open stance. They state that certain things will need to be in place in order for the relationship to continue—for example, respect and trust in a committed romantic relationship. If for some reason the basic requirement isn’t met, both parties may move on.

The reason expectations so often create anger is we stubbornly keep insisting that the thing in question be different, be what we want. Basic requirements free us from this trap. Instead of staying locked in a constant struggle to get an experience from someone or something that just can’t supply it, we take our basic requirements elsewhere. We relieve ourselves of the need to be constantly angry, because we no longer resist the truth that X can’t give us Y.

Notice that attachment is the real culprit here. Basic requirements express how we want the world to be. Attachment keeps us locked in struggle. Freeing ourselves from chronic anger becomes easier and easier when we let ourselves move on from no-win situations.

It sounds like you are feeling very alone in your marriage. Understandably, that is causing you great pain. I imagine your husband’s rather disinterested, even cold, response to your concerns causes you to feel unloved and like you are just not a priority for him.

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Is he willing to consider engaging in couples therapy? Are you? It seems like it could be very helpful given how far apart you two are on this issue. You are so deeply hurt and unable to get your needs met, and he seems both totally unfazed by your expressions of pain and largely unwilling to make any changes. I wonder if couples therapy could help the two of you to hear each other a bit better. If empathy and compassion can fill the space between you, you might find some middle ground.

Is he willing to consider engaging in couples therapy? Are you? It seems like it could be very helpful given how far apart you two are on this issue.

I also wonder if middle ground isn’t closer than it seems. It sounds like he is willing to compromise to some degree in that he is planning to work from home one week each month since he is also planning to take one weekend a month to go on photography trips. This may indicate that he has heard you to some degree and is willing to make a change to address your concerns.

Couples therapy might also provide an opportunity to bring some of your individual issues to light. I wonder what it is like for your husband to have had both of his previous relationships end due to infidelity. Does this cause him to keep you at a distance so he doesn’t get close enough to get hurt?

You indicate that this is your first relationship. It sounds like you had a lot of expectations about what marriage would be like and those expectations are not being met. An exploration of these unmet expectations might produce some valuable insights for you.

I hope you will both consider seeking out couples therapy to try to bring the relationship to a place that works for both of you. Even if he is unwilling, you might find your own individual therapy to be helpful in sorting out your feelings and determining your course of action.

Best wishes,

Sarah

Many little girls grow up dreaming of being in a fairy tale relationship, being swept off their feet by the perfect gentleman and living happily ever after. As boys get older, they, too, can develop idealistic thoughts about becoming someone’s knight in shining armor. Although Cinderella and Prince Charming’s enduring love story may be the stuff of fantasy, trying to create perfection in a real-life relationship can backfire.

Key Insight: Nathanael Schlect, Licensed Associate Counselor “Fairy tale fantasies often serve a protective function. When love feels uncertain, imagining perfection can temporarily soothe anxiety, even if it ultimately increases pressure on the relationship.”

Modern social media platforms have amplified these fairy tale expectations, with couples constantly exposed to curated “relationship goals” content that can create unrealistic standards for their own partnerships. Research shows that women who endorse fairy-tale ideas about romance and marriage tend to have less relationship satisfaction and a more negative sense of psychological well-being.

When we fall in love, we want to be on our best behavior, look our best, and show our partner how much they mean to us. This is perfectly normal. As love develops and grows, it is also normal to expect love to change and evolve into a maturity and grace that allows for some imperfections to begin to show through.

Over time, all relationships weather ups and downs and highs and lows. Nobody’s perfect, and no partners are perfect together all the time. But in the quest for the “perfect” relationship, sometimes we expect more from our partner than is reasonable. This can mean nobody’s happy.

Recent research published in Frontiers in Psychology describes perfectionism as a “destructive factor” in relationships, with studies showing that high perfectionistic standards for a partner exacerbate stress, burnout and conflict.

Perspective is important in relationships. In that spirit, you might want to check your expectations if you expect your partner to:

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• Read your mind—because if they love you, they should “just know,” right? Wrong. Mental health professionals emphasize that even the strongest emotional bonds cannot replace honest communication and active listening.
• Hang out and get along with all of your friends.
• Meet your every emotional need, desire, and want.
• Never slip up, say the wrong thing, or make the wrong move.
• Never get angry or upset.
• Love you as intensely as you love them.
• Look a certain way 100% of the time.

When we allow for the idea that relationships are perfectly imperfect, we leave room for ourselves and our partners to be authentic and real.

When we are obsessed with the idea of a perfect relationship, we tend to work very hard to maintain what we think is “right” and “correct” without objective balance. We want to present to the world how solid and strong our love is by metaphorically riding off into the sunset. However, the idea of never having challenges and struggles is unrealistic and disingenuous. If the pattern of portraying perfection in your relationship becomes obsessive and intrusive, it may be time to seek help from a therapist.

Obsessive thoughts may be grounded in our own fear. We all fear abandonment and hurt, but some of us have a stronger inclination to create a sense of security. Mental health research shows that fear of abandonment can drive maladaptive behaviors and create chronic feelings of emptiness that further complicate relationships.

To begin loosening the grip on the compulsion to be “perfect” in relationships, try the following strategies:

• Acknowledge that the quest to be perfect is exhausting. Meta-analysis research indicates that perfectionism has a small-to-moderate negative effect on marital outcomes, prompting couple therapists to address it as a destructive factor in intimate relationships.
• Be mindful about when the obsession for perfection comes up in your relationship.
• Ask yourself: What’s the worst that can happen if it isn’t perfect?
• Ask yourself: What kind of love do I want?
• Examine why perfection in a relationship appeals to you. Learn from your findings.
• Allow your partner space to make mistakes. Acknowledge that they are normal.
• Understand that the things you want most are almost always rendered less achievable by your perfectionistic tendencies.

The obsessional quality of perfection is that it is relentless! There is not much room in a fairy tale-like relationship for arguments, hurt feelings, forgotten promises, and repair—the trials all meaningful relationships go through (and typically emerge stronger for) at one point or another. When we allow for the idea that relationships are perfectly imperfect, we leave room for ourselves and our partners to be authentic and real. There may not be a perfect relationship, but a healthy one, in which two people can love, learn, and grow together, might be as good as it gets.

Key Insight: Nathanael Schlect, Licensed Associate Counselor “Healthy relationships are not conflict-free. They are repair-capable. The presence of disagreement is not a failure of love, but an opportunity for growth.”

If you’re struggling with obsessive thoughts about relationship perfection or experiencing significant distress about your romantic relationships, consider speaking with a mental health professional who can provide personalized guidance and support.

References:

1. Baldwin-White, A., & Gower, K. (2023). Influence of social media on how college students perceive healthy relationships and consent. Journal of American College Health, 71(4), 1301–1309.
2. Hadian Hamedani, S., Majzoobi, M. R., & Forstmeier, S. (2024). The relationship between perfectionism and marital outcomes: a systematic review and meta-analysis. Frontiers in Psychology. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2024.1466806
3. Kakembo, A. A. (2024). The impact of social media on modern relationships. Kampala International University.
4. National Institute of Mental Health. (2024). Borderline personality disorder. StatPearls. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK430883/
5. Travers, M. (2025, April 7). 2 ‘unrealistic expectations’ that can destroy a marriage. Therapy Tips. https://therapytips.org/articles/2-unrealistic-expectations-that-can-destroy-a-marriage
6. Troutman, M. (2025, August 23). From fairy tale love to social media: External factors affecting relationships. Medium. https://medium.com/@ClassyWriting/from-fairy-tale-love-to-social-media-external-factors-affecting-relationships-63741bdc4d1a
7. Weber, J. P. (2015, May 5). 5 reasons fairy-tale romances almost always go wrong. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/having-sex-wanting-intimacy/201505/5-reasons-fairy-tale-romances-almost-always-go-wrong

As human beings, we have all had to deal with our share of suffering. The causes of our suffering may change, but the experience remains the same. For some, their struggle may be with depression, anxiety, or having experienced abuse or trauma, whereas others may have to deal with a serious illness, chronic pain, an addiction, or the death of a loved one. In all cases, we may ask ourselves why we have been given this cross to bear and whether the pain will ever go away.

In most cases, we tend to make our suffering worse by our ongoing negative thoughts and ruminations about the situation. We create worst-case scenarios in our minds or believe that our agony will never subside. In so doing, we perpetuate and amplify our suffering, remaining attached to our pain rather than looking for the life lessons or gifts that may be present within the experience.

What are some ways we can choose to heal from our afflictions and discover the gifts they may have to offer? The following are a few methods to adopt in order to begin to examine our suffering from a different perspective:

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1. Develop a Different Relationship with Your Emotions

Most people shy away from uncomfortable feelings, preferring to deny or repress them rather than exploring their purpose. If you become more curious about what you are feeling, you can begin to relate to your emotions in a different way and discover what they may be trying to communicate to you.

Although suffering is an integral part of the human condition, we can learn to look for the gifts and life lessons that are present within the experience rather than remaining engulfed in our pain.

For example, we tend to become anxious when we try to conform to others’ expectations rather than remaining true to ourselves. Making an effort to become more authentic can help to alleviate the anxiety in this case.

When we are feeling depressed, on the other hand, our emotions may be asking us to make more time to really listen to what is going on inside of ourselves. These feelings present us with an opportunity to turn inward, examine our lives, and determine any areas where we may have gotten off track and need to make changes.

For individuals who are struggling with the residual effects of trauma, their emotions may be an indicator that they need some help coming to terms with their painful experience. In this case, reaching out to a therapist or support group may be what is most called for to help in the healing process.

The gifts that are available in all of these cases would be in discovering new ways to listen in to what our emotions are trying to tell us and to develop a healthier relationship with them.

2. Forgive and Let Go

Often, we remain attached to our suffering because of our inability to forgive others and/or ourselves. Our inner anger and resentment can lead us to try to punish others in various ways, but we end up punishing and hurting ourselves more than we can ever hurt anyone else. We may rail against the unfairness of the situation, the universe, or even God. In doing so, however, we tend to remain in the role of victim rather than taking responsibility for our lives and attempting to gain understanding. We can never be truly happy as long as we are holding on to grudges against others.

The gift that can be found in this situation is in learning to forgive others and ourselves for any wrongdoings and bringing more understanding and compassion to the situation.

3. Learn to Surrender Control

We tend to want to maintain a sense of control over our lives and can feel helpless, anxious, or heartbroken when something unexpected occurs that disrupts our sense of comfort or peace. Learning to become more accepting of the fact we ultimately are not in control of our lives, and surrendering to the experience of the moment, can help us to find more serenity, despite the struggles or pain we may be going through.

When someone close to us dies, for example, we can grieve the loss and the hole that is left in our lives, but also be thankful for the gift of the time we were granted with the person and the joy that he or she brought to our lives. Meditation and mindfulness are both helpful tools to learn to accept the things we cannot change and to remain grounded in the present moment rather than ruminating on the past or fantasizing about the future.

Although suffering is an integral part of the human condition, we can learn to look for the gifts and life lessons that are present within the experience rather than remaining engulfed in our pain. For individuals dealing with severe emotional or traumatic issues, the help of a professional may be required in order to help them on their healing journey.

Often, we find that the most painful experiences of our lives are those which teach us the most. Living our lives from this perspective can help us to remain more open and present on our ongoing journey of inner growth and discovery.

For those of us in the United States, baseball season is well under way, with the major league season at its midpoint. I love baseball season—warm sunshine, the smell of freshly cut grass, kids smiling and dancing in the stadium bleachers. Hot dogs always seem to taste best at a baseball game, don’t they?

As an avid fan of America’s pastime, it should come as no surprise that I contend that you can learn important life skills and lessons from the game of baseball. Baseball involves competition, strategy, and teamwork, all useful life skills, and teaches those who play it to win and lose with grace.

A batter gets three strikes before he is “out,” or four balls before he “walks.” In life, we are given multiple opportunities to accomplish our goals, if only we keep our “eye on the ball” and are motivated enough to keep trying. In baseball, there are multiple ways to get on base, just as in life there is usually more than one way to accomplish a goal. In both cases, it takes patience, focus, and intent. Often in life, things don’t “just happen.” Motivation and intention serve as catalysts in helping us achieve our goals.

What fuels motivation and intention with regard to accomplishing a goal? A sense of meaning or having a stake in the outcome. Meaning, or making meaning, drives us.

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In baseball, there are nine defensive positions, with each having defined duties and responsibilities. The nine people manning these positions work together each inning toward a shared objective of three outs. The ability to work as a team involves understanding and embracing your unique talents and skills, and applying those talents and skills when and how needed for the benefit of the group or common objective.

Positions can change in any given context. Unless you live by yourself on a deserted island, there are various teams you are a part of in your everyday life. Probably the most important team you are a part of is your family. Inherent in family life are our roles (or “positions”), and those roles dictate our responsibilities in and to our family.

Unless you live by yourself on a deserted island, there are various teams you are a part of in your everyday life. Probably the most important team you are a part of is your family.

As we grow older, our responsibilities change. As children, we are taken care of by our parent(s); as parents age, children often find themselves in a responsibility shift wherein they are taking care of their parents.

Baseball games are full of strategy, from who will play where to the batting order to whether to swing away or bunt to when to pull the pitcher. Strategies are also employed in everyday life in order for a family team or work team to succeed or run smoothly. Such strategies play out in myriad simple or complex ways, from who will pick up the kids to how to meet a team project deadline. Discovering and appreciating our talents and how we can best “play our position” or contribute to our family/work life is an important life skill. Working together is key for any kind of team or unit to succeed—families included.

Finally, in baseball, no matter how well everyone plays, one team wins and one loses. Just as succeeding is a part of life, so is failing. One of the most important lessons baseball (or any sport) can teach us is how to win or lose—how to succeed or fail without letting either outcome define you. Because neither one should.

Life is full of wins and losses. Getting into college, a job promotion, and finding true love are happy life experiences that might generally be considered wins. But meaningful relationships sometimes end, people lose jobs, and there will be illnesses and deaths of loved ones. Just as in a championship baseball game, losing is often harder than celebrating a win. Just as a team that loses a hard-fought game will regroup and come out and play another game, those who experience painful losses can regroup and wake up to a new day. The loss is still there, and nothing will change that, but something generally can be learned from the experience of loss.

Baseball teams learn from losing all the time. Often, losses in life can teach us our most valuable lessons and give us our greatest strengths.

So next time you are taking in a baseball game, think of the correlations between the game and life … and enjoy every inning of both!