A woman writes in her journal outside at sunseyManifesto: a public declaration of intentions, opinions, objectives, or motives.

As a long-time yogi, I have been setting an intention before my daily practice for more than 10 years. Perhaps it was this habit that prompted me to write my first manifesto in 2004. Gathering healing thoughts and wishes into one short document was enlightening, centering, and deeply positive. Since others have found this process helpful, I wanted to share the method and some suggestions for possible inclusion in your own manifesto.

Guidelines for Writing Your Manifesto

Let it flow. In my opinion, the best thing you can do when you start to write anything is let it flow. As you allow thoughts, feelings, and ideas to take shape on the page, give yourself the gift of writing without interruption. That means both carving out a little time for yourself and not stopping to edit your words. You can revise and rewrite later on.

Brainstorm. Write the word “manifesto” in the middle of a blank page and let your mind wander. When an idea pops into your head write it in a circle around that central word. Then, focus on each word and write what comes to mind in a line branching out from it.  That may be enough for one day. If you feel like continuing, focus on any word or concept that speaks to you, and think of your wish for your own growth, development, or peace as it relates to that idea.

[fat_widget_right]Daydream. Recent studies show that encouraging your mind to wander in what appears to be an aimless manner actually generates creative solutions to problems and is just as valid as any other kind of “work.” If you regularly keep a journal, or a dream journal, you may find rereading entries gives you plenty of fodder for your manifesto.

Let go. If you have a health issue, you might explore ways to be more comfortable with your body. Think of phrases that help you let go of preconceived notions about your health, and accept things as they are because you can be sure they will change. In situations you can’t control, it is often best to find power in letting go, and allowing what is to be exactly as it is.

Build resilience. During a particularly difficult transitioning period, you may want to focus your intentions on building resilience. Certain life events—such as becoming a parent, taking a job, or moving—naturally inspire new thoughts and wishes. Let your mind wander, and imagine ways you would like to be in this stage of your life. If you are working with a therapist, there may be recurring themes you want to address.

Whether you try some of these suggestions, read the examples below, or just start writing, it is best to remember your manifesto is an ever-changing, fluid document meant to support you on your journey to your truest self. It is not a rigid set of rules or “shoulds” to encourage negative self-talk or critical self-evaluations. Let your imagination run wild. Think of how you would like to live your life, and write what comes from that deep, all-knowing place.

Here are some ideas to stoke your creative process:

New research suggests that stressful events may cause delayed increase in panic symptoms. Because the effect of stress on panic symptoms has not been studied extensively, researchers wanted to determine if people with panic problems experienced immediate increase or a gradual increase in symptoms following a stressful event. “We definitely expected the symptoms to get worse over time, but we also thought the symptoms would get worse right away,” said Ethan Moitra, a postdoctoral researcher in the Department of Psychiatry and Human Behavior at the Warren Alpert Medical School of Brown University. But the findings revealed that stress does not always cause an immediate panic attack. Dr. Martin Keller, principal investigator of the research and professor of psychiatry and human behavior, warns family members and clients to watch for signs of panic over the several months following the stressful event. (more…)

Laptop on couch tableI want to start off by saying that pornography in and of itself is not a ‘bad’ thing. We have preconceived notions about porn being something bad. Men feel guilty about it. Women feel threatened by it. I want to talk a little bit about why porn is good, and why porn is bad. At the core, I believe that everything in moderation is the best format to follow. And a little bit of porn should be fine, as long as it’s not interfering with your sex life, social life, finances, job, relationship, family, responsibilities and so on. (Read: Most mental health professionals will in fact determine whether or not something is considered an addiction, or if someone is addicted based on the aforementioned variables of responsibilities. If something is being affected, such as any or all of job, relationship, family, money, chances are the individual has a problem or addiction, and will likely be treated as such by the mental health professional.)

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So, with that said, we are long overdue to begin to wonder how the internet’s biggest industry Porn, which continues to infiltrate our relationships, our sex lives, our bedrooms, not to mention the lives of teenagers who have the highest porn viewing statistics, and so much more continues to thrive, when it seems to have so many negative connotations? How can 63 million viewers be so wrong*? As a sex educator, I feel that a lot of it has to do with our attitudes about sex. Naturally, when we don’t feel comfortable talking about something, that we already feel we know so little about, and ill-equipped to talk about, read: yes, I am talking about Sex, its presence, in a highly graphic manner is going to intrigue us. Hence we are enticed to watch such movies and videos. But on the flipside, the messages we were sent growing up about masturbation, sex and nudity, and the silence we were fed when it came to anal sex, girl-on-girl or man-on-man sex, group sex or orgies, and sodomy may also lead to anxiety about what we see, which can lead to the on the better end, aforementioned feelings of guilt, and full blown addictions on the worst-case-scenario end. (more…)

Child giving his father a father's day cardMy husband was surprised the first time he got a Father’s Day card from our kids. Not having any kids of his own, his assumed role of step-father was one he was utterly unfamiliar with. He had been raised by his mother and has never known his father. Perhaps that is why that the whole concept of celebrating Father’s Day was foreign to him. When he first saw the cards lying on the table, he did not realize they were for him. After a few moments, it sunk in and a look of confusion and trepidation came over him. After graciously accepting them from the kids, and thanking them profusely, he shared with me his true feelings.

He was uncomfortable at first, being recognized as a dad. He had no frame of reference for this title, and felt very awkward accepting gifts that he did not feel he deserved. My husband saw himself as an active parent in my children’s lives. But he shared that role, and does to this day, with their biological father. Their “real dad” is very present in their lives and sees them weekly. He speaks to them almost every day and is pretty up to speed on the events that transpire in their worlds. But my husband, their “other dad,” is the one who interacts with them daily. He is the one who bathes them, shops for them, tucks them in, attends their events and listens to their problems. So as each year passes, I wonder how sharing that title sits with each of the dads. (more…)

A Young couple calculates their finances togetherUnresolved conflict about money can be a major factor in a couple’s decision to get a divorce. Learning to communicate effectively about money may be the best solution.

The ability to face, handle, and resolve conflict is a skill. Unfortunately it is usually not a skill we are taught in school. What we do learn about conflict, for better or worse, comes from observing how conflict was handled in our families growing up.

Some people may have grown up in homes where conflict was hidden; peace at all costs. No one dared take it on or discuss it. Differences lay silent for years. Conflict was swept under the rug and its existence denied. It may have been a quiet home, but there wasn’t deep and genuine closeness. Others may have experienced the opposite—a home where conflict reigned as king. Chronic conflict may have been driven by one or both parents. Maybe there were episodes of yelling, fighting, or sarcasm in which nothing was ever resolved and tension filled the air. Somewhere in between, there may have been homes where occasional fights occurred with raised voices, but parents made a consistent effort to come back and talk calmly about issues so they could come to a resolution, apologize, and make up.

What Did You Learn About Managing Conflict?

[fat_widget_relationships_right]Education about financial matters can be scant or non-existent. I recall learning how to write checks and balance a checkbook in high school; but learning about income, debt, what it costs to buy a home or raise children, how to budget, why saving is so important, how a 401K or a Roth IRA works, the difference between a bond and a mutual fund, how to diversify a portfolio, or how to make financial decisions were all gaps in my education. Now combine two people—who were raised with different money values and experiences—into a marriage. Can you see why trying to communicate about and handle money differences can wreak havoc on a marriage?

What emotions do you feel about money?
What did you learn about handling finances?
How about your partner?

Our seven tips to resolving money conflict is a method we have used ourselves and with couples in Couple to Couple Coaching©. Conflict resolution is a skill anyone can learn. You and your partner can practice this, and then teach it to your kids.

1. Take it on together – Face and embrace conflict around money; do not avoid it or endlessly argue and fight about it. Carve out some quiet time for the two of you to talk without interruption, even if you have to hire a babysitter. Agree that during the discussion you will remember that this is not about who is right and who is wrong, but about two people with different points of view coming to a consensus.

Don’t put a conflict between the two of you; put the problem on the chalkboard and solve it as a team.

2. Check your emotions – Money can be a highly charged issue. Agree that one of you will speak at a time. Use “I” statements so you own your point of view. While one person is speaking, the other person must listen for understanding, not for developing their response back. Listen deeply until you understand your partner’s point of view so well that you could defend them in court, even if you don’t agree with it. If the conversation heats up even a little, agree that you will stop talking for the moment.

If you get emotionally hijacked during conflict, separate to soothe your own emotions; then come back to continue the discussion.

3. Get the facts – When couples come in with money conflicts, we often find that only one of them really knows what is going on financially, or that the two of them have never sat down together and looked at the numbers. How much income comes in? What are the fixed and variable expenses? Get your financial facts in order. If you don’t know how, agree to go to a financial adviser or your accountant to get this information.

Part of the solution to money conflict may lie with the numbers; imagine your home is a family business and do a Profit & Loss statement.

4. Explore “who owns the money” – Most couples we have seen don’t have equal income. Maybe one partner is staying home with the kids and earns no income, or two partners earn substantially different amounts of income. What we see in practice is the one who earns the greater income or the sole income feels entitled to decide how the money is spent. Often, the one who earns less or no money feels deterred from spending the partner’s money. Here is how we look at it:

If you truly believe that the investment and synthesis of innumerable tasks is what creates a family—child care, shopping, doing laundry, cleaning, paying bills, managing finances, scheduling doctors appointments, making money—then it follows that return on investment, including income, belongs to the couple as equal partners.

5. Look for deeper meaning – Often, disagreements about money are not really what they seem. Each of us have very different feelings about money. Have a conversation with your partner about what positive and/or negative feelings money brings up for you. Here is a list to get you started:

Conflict over money can be a metaphor for a deeper struggle. Talk with your partner about what money may represent to each of you based on your experience with money in the past. Here are some possibilities:

It is easier to have understanding and empathy for our partner’s point of view if we understand what money represents to our partner.

Our feelings about money can be understood if we look at our money history. Don’t make your partner wrong for having his or her feelings.

6. Create consensus – Couples will never agree on all money expenditures or savings, so there is a need to compromise and come to consensus. Neither person may get it all their way, but both can live with the decision.

Money is just a means of exchange for what we value. Since value is in the eye of the beholder, there is no right or wrong purchase.

7. Agree to ongoing dialogue periodically – We live in a world where we can’t avoid dealing with money, so it is vital that couples embrace this as an ongoing issue that they need to discuss from time to time. We suggest you review your finances together at least quarterly so you learn to approach the issues of saving, spending, and investing as a team.

The way a couple handles financial conflict is a portal into the strength of their relationship. Learning to effectively communicate about money builds a couple’s “relationship muscles.”

Gay teenagers are faced with the same peer pressures as heterosexual teens. But a new study suggests their sexuality can lead them to be at a greater risk for engaging in unhealthy behaviors. According to a study by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), gay, lesbian and bisexual teens were more likely to take part in seven out of the 10 high risk activities, including drinking, smoking, drug use, attempted suicide, violence, weight management, and risky sexual practices. Director of CDC’s Division of Adolescent and School Health (DASH), Howell Wechsler, said, “This report should be a wake-up call for families, schools and communities that we need to do a much better job of supporting these young people. Any effort to promote adolescent health and safety must take into account the additional stressors these youth experience because of their sexual orientation, such as stigma, discrimination and victimization. We are very concerned that these students face such dramatic disparities for so many different health risks.”

The study also took into account the truancy rates of these teens, bullying, nutritional practices and safe sexual activity, specifically condom use. The researchers believe that better school health and public health policies and interventions should be put in place to lower the level of risky behaviors prevalent in this segment of the teen population. They also believe that screenings for high school age students should include information regarding their sexual preference, in order to better monitor health outcomes. (more…)

Distant couple on couchDo you know the difference between a relapse and a onetime occurrence of making a poor choice? In asking that question, let me first say that it is important to not excuse a slip up or any patterns of making healthy behavioral choices followed by re-engaging in old patterns, even one time. Yes, there can be times where the one struggling with sexual addiction has a prolonged period of sobriety, they let their boundary down briefly and then get back on track with honesty and help.  A relapse is more than one slip up. It is opening you back up to the addictive behaviors, choices and patterns that were so destructive in one’s life. Let’s take a look at three ways that an individual who suffers from sexual addiction can deal with relapse and then three ways their spouse can walk through this as well.

Relapse Steps for the One Struggling with Sexual Addiction:
1. Own it with no excuses: At this point, integrity and trust have been broken again. The wounds have been re-opened and most likely, there has been a pattern of dishonesty. If you make excuses, it is saying that there will always be a reason to relapse and to act out in an unhealthy way sexually or in addictive choices. By owning it and not making excuses, it can set up a scenario where communication can be real, true events and choices can be dealt with and one can start shedding the secrecy and shame that is trying to overtake them. There is freedom in being honest! (more…)

Couple screaming in each other's facesThis is not a post about people speaking two different languages such as English and Spanish.  This is a story about couples that talk to each other but it feels as if they just don’t speak the same language; they talk but they can’t hear each other, as if both are speaking in a foreign dialect. Couples who fall into this category try to communicate but usually end up giving up because it gets too frustrating. Both people want to get their points across, but because it’s so difficult, many couples just stop trying. This is more common than you might think. I often see couples come in for counseling; they will look at me as if I am a translator and can help them decipher their partner and help them understand each other. They both hope that I can bridge the gap that’s been keeping them separate, sometimes for a long time.

Most couples in this predicament have spent a lot of time trying to fix the problem.  They’ve also probably grown tired of trying because they each feel as if they already know what the other person is going to say and they just don’t want to hear it.  In this case they often just stop talking to them.  These couples are at an impasse, and that’s not uncommon either. Each person had needs that have not been met. They each want to convey something to the other person, only they don’t know how. They have been trying to accomplish this, maybe for years and they are so tired of trying they have just given up and accepted that this is how they are going to feel in the relationship—frustrated, disappointed, discouraged.

When people have been living with this situation for a long period of time it’s not uncommon for one or the other to say, “It’s not working.”  The truth is; it’s not. This relationship is not working in terms of two people feeling good about it and each other. That’s why counseling can be helpful. As a marriage and family therapist I am able to hear what’s missing. I can understand what a conversation would sound like if the couple was having one where each got his and her point across and could be heard.

When I meet with a couple in this kind of situation I start by asking each to tell me about their life.  As a third party I have no trouble hearing each as individuals.  I gather information and then I help them decode what they can’t seem to hear or understand about the other. Since I am not invested in the outcome of what I am hearing I can easily investigate what one person is trying to say to the other.  Sometimes it sounds like, “He never listens to me,” or “She always nags me.” These complaints are loaded with emotions. It’s not just the words I am interested in; it’s what feelings accompany the discomfort. I often can hear what is missing, which usually encompasses longing or attention. When she says, “He never listens,” I hear a longing to feel valued. When he says, “She always nags,” I hear “I feel invisible.” Some of what’s not being said could sound like this, the wife wants to be heard when she tells her husband about something. The husband wants the wife to understand that he doesn’t feel appreciated. It’s very frustrating to live in a relationship where you don’t feel your partner values or appreciates you. These are important aspects of a good partnership.[fat_widget_left]

Couples that find themselves in this sort of struggle are in need of new ways to communicate to get their points across. To achieve this, each person has to do some internal work to learn what they need. When each person knows what he or she needs they can then ask for it from the other person – instead of just being upset because they are not getting it. No more expecting from the partner, no more disappointment and loneliness either. Just two people relating openly and honestly about how they feel and what they would like. When couples do this, then they get true communication, where each person can be heard. And that’s a whole lot easier than speaking a foreign language.

GoodTherapy | Can My Child Choose Which Parent to Live With? On a fairly regular basis I am asked by a divorced parent how old their child must be before they can choose which parent they want to live with. Many parents tell me their child will be 12 years old, 13 years old, 14 years old soon and will be able to make their own decisions. They appear to be uniformly surprised to learn that a minor child does not have the legal right to decide which parent to live with.

Depending on the jurisdiction in which you live, the age of your child may matter only in terms of the weight a judge might give to a child’s preference, should he or she have one. In general, the older they are the more their preference might be considered. Their preferences are not usually considered in a vacuum, however. It could be that Susie might want to live with Dad because he is more lenient in his rules… He doesn’t make her go to church, let’s her stay out an hour later, doesn’t nag her about homework, etc. Or the preference might be because Mom is supportive of Joey’s desire to be on the soccer team or takes him to his horseback riding lessons or is excited about the dance program he is in. When Mom or Dad uniformly does not support a child’s activities when that activity spans the parenting time of both parents, it is not surprising to a judge that a child might have a preference. However, children rarely know all the details of how a parent decides to do something or what both parents talk about regarding their decisions. Sometimes the decisions are financially impacting one parent differently than the other. The child may only know that Mom or Dad is not taking them where they want to go but not that it is not affordable. Whatever the reason, by early to mid teens, a court is likely to take the child’s concerns into consideration in making an order while being very careful not to ask the child to make a decision and learning as much as possible about the context of that preference.

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A new study suggests variance in the brain activity of people suffering from body dysmorphia. According to Dr. Jamie Feusner, a UCLA assistant professor of psychiatry, people with body image issues have decreased brain activity when they view holistic images. “No study until this one has investigated the brain’s activity for visually processing objects in people with BDD,” said Feusner, director of the Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder Intensive Treatment Program at UCLA. “This is an important step to figuring out what’s going wrong in the brains of people with body dysmorphia so we can develop treatments to change their perceptions of themselves.”

Body dysmorphia is found in nearly two percent of people and more prevalent in those with obsessive-compulsive tendencies. The study, which involved 14 people with body dysmorphia and 14 control subjects, involved the use of a brain scans in order to determine the brain activity of the subjects while they viewed pictures of houses that were altered and houses that were unaltered. Those with body dysmorphia displayed significantly lower amounts of brain activity in the region of the brain that process visual details. The more severe a person’s symptoms of body dysmorphia, the less activity they displayed. (more…)

Hand shaking, one wearing braceletWe are taught from the earliest of ages that good communication is imperative. In both subtle, and direct ways, we are taught to be competitive when we communicate. Simultaneously, we are told to be cooperative.  What an impossible task–to be cooperative and competitive at the same time.

The conundrum we are all faced with has its roots in two complex social environments: those having hierarchy structures, and those which do not. Hierarchical institutions include schools, our family of origin, the family we create, workplaces, churches and government as the most common. Within those institutions we learn the power of the politics and practice of competitive communication. (more…)

I was very young when I knew I wanted to be a therapist. I became particularly interested in depression and how people deal with traumatic events. Never in a million years did I think I would be an addiction expert. After my graduate studies I took an internship at a substance abuse outpatient center. This was purely by chance and because they had a good reputation for offering really good supervision. During my internship it quickly became clear to me that my graduate program in mental health had left me ill prepared to work with substance abuse issues. I kept screening for mental health symptoms because that’s what I knew and we tend to go where we feel comfortable.

Substance abuse counselors on the other hand are often undertrained in mental illness and tend to ignore or dismiss signs of it, thinking once the drugs are out of someone’s life they will get back to normal functioning. And when they don’t they blame the clients “for resisting happiness” or being “chronic complainers”.  We fail to recognize that sometimes, even after drugs and alcohol are long gone, people struggle with what could have been there all along: mental illness. (more…)

Important Notice

GoodTherapy is not intended to be a substitute for professional advice, diagnosis, medical treatment, or therapy. Always seek the advice of your physician or qualified mental health provider with any questions you may have regarding any mental health symptom or medical condition. Never disregard professional psychological or medical advice nor delay in seeking professional advice or treatment because of something you have read on GoodTherapy.