In my work with people who are facing things like stress, anxiety, or trauma, I often talk about the importance of making time for relaxation and self-care. Relaxation techniques, mindfulness, and meditation are some of the buzzwords that encompass practices that involve slowing down the mind and body.

These practices can be extremely effective. They not only provide a sense of calm, they can also create positive effects on the nervous system. They may even lead to noted physiological improvements, such as slowed breathing and decreased heart rate and blood pressure. These techniques are some of the best ways to improve physical and mental health. Even better? They typically have no negative side effects.

I teach various forms of relaxation multiple times a week, to many of the people I work with in my office. I recently became aware of how I had personally strayed from practicing what I preached. When I was pregnant with my first child, I made a conscious effort to embrace meditation. I was fully aware that the fetus experiences everything the mom feels. I also believed that a calm mom created a healthy, calm baby. But several years (and two more babies) later, I’m finding I rarely make time to utilize the tools I so often teach to others.

The Challenges of Relaxation

While I do use various relaxation techniques at night if I’m having a hard time falling asleep or when I’m aware I feel excessively stressed, I’ve gotten away from using meditation as a regular practice. I fully admit it’s often difficult to find the time.  [fat_widget_right]

Our society and age of technology can make this even more challenging. I realized this last week as I was sitting in a doctor’s office, waiting to be called back for my appointment. I passed time aimlessly looking things up on my iPhone. I checked my text messages, then my emails. Checked my Instagram feed, then my Facebook feed. Went back to check my emails again. There was nothing new, so I checked my text messages again. I checked my Google analytics app just for the heck of it. Then I checked my email again. “Oh! Somebody on SoundCloud liked the guided meditation I uploaded.”

This made me pause. I had recorded a guided meditation for the people I worked with to use at home. I urged each of them to make mindfulness a part of their routine. “Find a few moments every day to pause and slow down your mind and body,” I had suggested. But here I was, during the one moment in my day that involved simply sitting in silence. What was I doing? Frantically going back and forth between apps in order to kill time.

I stopped and checked in with myself, mentally asking how I felt in that moment. I realized I was anxious. Not about the appointment, but anxious and annoyed that things weren’t moving fast enough. I wanted to get the appointment done and get on with my day. I wanted to tackle some of the things on my ever-growing to-do list. I couldn’t do that while waiting, but by staring at my phone I was wasting a valuable opportunity to pause and allow myself a “reset.”

I know that pausing and slowing down can help create a sense of calm. I also know that from a place of calm, I’m always better and more effective at managing stress and upcoming tasks. But I often get so swept up in the busyness of life that I forget to stop and smell the roses, so to speak.

When we don’t make a point to slow things down and make time for stillness and relaxation, the less effective we become at managing the stressors in our lives.

I wondered why it was so hard for me to just sit in silence for a few moments. Balancing family and work schedules leaves little time for sitting quietly. So why was I not embracing this rare opportunity to enjoy a period of time where I had nothing to do besides sit and wait? Why did I feel the need to keep checking my email and going back and forth between apps? I wasn’t expecting anything important. I had just gotten caught up in the fast pace of life and the pressure to constantly juggle everything on my plate. In doing so, I neglected the chance to just be still.

When our lives become so busy and chaotic, we often forget to slow down. Some people have a difficult time being alone with themselves. Either their thoughts are filled with negative, anxious, or self-deprecating self-talk they would rather avoid, or they have become so disconnected from their sense of identity that they aren’t sure how to handle idle time alone.

Neither of these are true for me. In fact, I relish time alone. Nonetheless, the more chaotic, busy, and full my life becomes, the more difficult remembering to slow down seems to be.

Making Time to Slow Down

When we don’t make a point to slow things down and make time for stillness and relaxation, the less effective we become at managing the stressors in our lives. This can sometimes pose problems. An important point I teach about relaxation techniques is how vital it is to practice these tools on a regular, ongoing basis. It’s important to make them a part of your daily routine and use them often instead of just calling on them during moments of chaos.

This is especially true when you are first learning to embrace mindfulness and meditation and incorporate them into your life. Relying on relaxation tools only during moments of stress may help you to better cope in the moment. But utilizing them on a regular basis will help you operate from a place that is more grounded and stable. This can allow you to mitigate some of the stress that might otherwise become overwhelming.

Try this simple exercise:

Get into a comfortable position and try to relax. Release as much tension from your body as possible. Take a few deep breaths in … and out. Imagine your body is like a big, stable, old oak tree. Imagine yourself being strong and steady, even amid strong winds and stormy weather. Close your eyes and visualize this as you continue to breathe in and out deeply.

Imagine roots at the base of your spine, traveling down through anything below you and deep into the earth. Visualize these roots planted firmly into the ground. Imagine that any negative emotions or stressors can travel out of you, through these roots, and back into the earth where they can be released and recycled.

After you’ve finished embracing this visualization, check in with yourself to see how you are feeling. Notice if you experience any shifts in your emotions or changes in sensations in your body. Hopefully this exercise helps you to establish a better sense of calm. If so, congratulate yourself for successfully using a mindfulness tool. Know you can use this simple meditation anywhere, at any time, in order to feel more stable and secure.

If you found the visualization difficult, keep practicing. There are books, CDs, websites, YouTube videos, and more out there to help you embrace the practice of meditation. If you find the idea of meditating uncomfortable, that’s okay. My original thoughts on meditation years ago were a bit cynical. I believed it sounded hokey, crazy, or foreign. I imagined elderly monks in faraway places sitting perfectly still, eyes closed, for hours on end, depriving themselves of the ability to scratch an itch, not even allowing themselves to eat. I thought meditation meant blanking out your brain and not allowing a single thought to pass though your mind. This, I found impossible.

I’ve since discovered meditation really just means slowing down, developing more awareness, and taking time to be more mindful and present. There are many different techniques and ways to do this. One book I like is Learn to Meditate: A Practical Guide to Self-Discovery and Fulfillment, which offers many techniques for practicing mindfulness. Find what works for you. [amazon_affiliate]

It doesn’t take hours, and it doesn’t need to be difficult. You just need to find a few short moments to regularly and consciously slow down, become more self-aware, and allow your mind to take a break from everything you are juggling. If you aren’t sure how to begin, I encourage you to reach out for help. A compassionate therapist or counselor can offer guidance and support as you explore meditation and mindfulness practices.

Reference:

Fontana, D. (1999). Learn to meditate: A practical guide to self-discovery and fulfillment. San Francisco, CA: Chronicle Books.

“Mindfulness” is a popular buzzword in therapy and personal-growth circles. Mindful.org defines mindfulness as “the basic human ability to be fully present, aware of where we are and what we’re doing, and not overly reactive or overwhelmed by what’s going on around us.” In the vernacular, it essentially means “being fully present in the moment.”

Sounds good, right? Well, it’s trickier than it seems. As Peter Levine points out, trauma robs us of our ability to be in the present moment. The threat response in our nervous system gets stuck on “on,” and so we find ourselves automatically preoccupied with the past, or else projecting the past into the future.

Some people do this to such a degree they are not even aware that they are doing it. They have lost track of what it’s like to slow down and pleasantly be in the present moment (or they never learned in the first place). It can be amazing to witness when they learn to just be, to feel the sensations of simply being alive in a living, human body instead of constantly worrying and anxiously scheming.

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The power of somatic therapy is particularly apparent in working with this issue. I define somatic mindfulness as the ability to step back from what your nervous system is telling you. You step back, observe it, feel every bit of it. Then you consciously decide what you want to do instead of automatically falling into long-standing patterns and the behavior they dictate.

Here’s an example, representative of many people I’ve worked with: Bernard grew up in a rough and unforgiving environment. There was no one around he could trust. Many people around him got what they could by whatever means were available to them. He realizes this way of life left its mark on him, so he started working with me and eventually we settled into a productive therapeutic relationship.

One day, not long after we started working together, I rearranged the chairs in my office. I was preparing to start a new group and I needed more comfy chairs. At the beginning of Bernard’s next session, I noticed this caught his attention, so I encouraged him to take in the environmental changes and notice the sensations in his body. His body started to brace and his face became hard. He asked me if I made these changes simply to “screw around with people, you know, to get a rise out of them so they can get their money’s worth out of the session.” He looked as if I’d tried to pull something over on him.

Bernard was projecting his past onto his present, and he was also quite likely using this to make predictions about his future—or at least the future of his therapy with me. Both my training and my humanity encouraged me to be transparent in these matters, so I disclosed the reason for the changes in my office decor. He immediately softened, relaxed, and started to backpedal.

Somatic mindfulness creates mind-body integration where it had been lacking. It allows us to use our somatic responses as one source of information without letting them run the show.

Now we had something to work with: His body had sent out an exaggerated “danger” signal when there was no actual threat, either in my office or in his relationship with me. Had I not been prepared to calmly hold this, it could have unnecessarily ruined the relationship, as well as any benefit he could have obtained.

When we discussed it, he said he felt disoriented as he came in. As I encouraged him to notice his physical sensations, he said he felt a jolt of energy in his body, movement impulses in his arms and fists, a burning in his chest, and anger. In the future, if he can “catch” this automatic body reaction, to sit with it and question it, he’ll have mastered somatic mindfulness. He’ll have developed active control over this threat response. Over time, as his nervous system gets better at distinguishing when the threat response is necessary, it will soften.

These automatic bodily and behavioral responses can occur in any situation, in countless different ways. Somatic mindfulness creates mind-body integration where it had been lacking. It allows us to use our somatic responses as one source of information without letting them run the show. This kind of therapeutic work softens and reduces the hypervigilant threat response and hyperarousal in the nervous system. These old traumatic residues can stress the body and cause burnout. They are also thought to contribute to many physical health problems.

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Full embodiment in the present moment can be a truly wonderful experience. There’s no way to explain it if you haven’t felt it. I’ve watched it occur many times in my office. Time spent in nature or with animals is often helpful in this quest. When developing this skill, it is essential to work with a therapist or other trusted mentor who has somatic mindfulness training and a stable nervous system.

References:

1. Levine, P. (1997). Waking the tiger: Healing trauma. Berkeley, CA: North Atlantic Books.
2. Mate, G. (2003). When the body says no: Understanding the stress-disease connection. New Jersey: John Wiley & Sons.
3. What Is Mindfulness? (2014). Retrieved from https://www.mindful.org/what-is-mindfulness

One of the hardest things about stress and anxiety is that it often leads to overwhelm. Because of this, it is tempting to implement strategies that manage the discomfort but fail to offer lasting change. For example, many people choose to avoid situations that trigger anxiety, but they rarely address the sensations, feelings, and thoughts associated with it. It is natural to want to avoid feeling anxious. However, quick fixes don’t tend to bring long-term recovery. An integrative approach that includes both short- and long-term solutions is usually needed.

There are two main reasons for this:

1. Overwhelm feels more convincing than your ability to change it.
2. When you are immersed in overwhelm, short-term strategies become necessary for immediate relief before being able to consider long-term solutions.

While psychotherapy, social support, a nutrient-dense diet, spending time in nature, and exercise are important to prevent overwhelm, three key ingredients are necessary: expanding your window of tolerance, mindfulness, and self-compassion.

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Becoming Aware of Your Window of Tolerance

One of the most important aspects for reducing overwhelm is to become increasingly aware of signals that you are about to “flip out” or “shut down” (known in psychotherapy as hyperarousal and hypoarousal). The space between flipping out and shutting down is the zone in which you function most effectively. In this space, you can think clearly, communicate well, engage respectfully, and work effectively. In other words, you are in your window of tolerance.

As you might imagine, everyone’s window of tolerance is different. Understanding your baseline window of tolerance and how to expand it contributes to long-term well-being because it offers you the chance to change your relationship to difficult emotions.

You might wonder how you can come to know and expand your window of tolerance. One of the more effective ways is through mindfulness and self-compassion.

Expanding the Window of Tolerance with Mindfulness

Expanding your window of tolerance helps you navigate increasingly difficult experiences without becoming so easily overwhelmed. To expand the window, you must learn to notice when you are “triggered” or “hooked” into a negative reaction. Mindfulness helps you to tune into subtle messages in your body/mind, giving you insight about where and when you are triggered.

Mindfulness simultaneously offers immediate relief and long-term benefits. It is often described as the state of being intentionally aware of what is happening, as it is happening, without judgment. Psychiatrist and educator Dr. Dan Siegel describes it as “waking up from a life on automatic and being sensitive to novelty in our everyday experiences. Instead of being on automatic and mindless, mindfulness helps us awaken to moment-by-moment experience.” In other words, mindfulness gives us what psychotherapist Linda Graham calls “choice points” or opportunities where change becomes possible.

Mindfulness teaches you to be an observer of sensations in the body and the feelings associated with them. In this shift from immersion to observation, you can tolerate painful feelings as they arise and access your thinking mind with more clarity.

Change becomes possible because mindfulness prevents over-identification. When you are triggered, you are immersed in the experience and accompanying sensations, feelings, and thoughts. Mindfulness teaches you to be an observer of sensations in the body and the feelings associated with them. In this shift from immersion to observation, you can tolerate painful feelings as they arise and access your thinking mind with more clarity.

According to meditation teacher and psychotherapist Tara Brach, mindful awareness has two qualities: seeing what is true and holding with love what is seen. You can ask two simple questions to create mindful awareness.

• What is happening right now? Seeing what is true is noticing the thoughts, feelings, and/or sensations arising in the moment from the observer’s point of view.
• Can I just let it be? Holding whatever arises with love means gently noticing each thought, feeling, and/or sensation with as much self-compassion as you would for your best friend. It’s one thing to get some distance on the patterns leading to overwhelm, but holding yourself and the part of you that is overwhelmed with compassion will make or break your ability to calm yourself.

Continuing to Expand the Window of Tolerance with Self-Compassion

If there is one thing I’d like you to take away from this article, it is to know every moment of suffering is an opportunity to give yourself love and compassion.

Self-compassion helps transform overwhelm and other difficult feelings by teaching us to cultivate kind, connected presence for ourselves. Kristin Neff, researcher of self-compassion and co-creator of the Mindful Self-Compassion program, says there are three main ways to initiate self-compassion:

1. Kind words
2. Caring tone of voice
3. Soothing gestures

Self-compassion increases oxytocin, a powerful hormone that acts as a neurotransmitter in the brain and, in turn, amplifies feelings of trust, calm, safety, generosity, and connectedness. A key thing to remember, however, is that self-compassion is a practice of goodwill, not good feelings. If you use self-compassion practices only to try to make bad feelings go away, you create the requirement that receiving compassion is valuable only if it removes the pain of life. Continue the practice of giving and receiving loving kindness without conditions, even when the pain doesn’t go away. By doing so, you create the habit of approaching yourself and others with kindness. You may feel more positive emotions as a result, but treat them more like a wonderful side effect than a goal. The long-term goal is to cultivate mindful self-compassion in as many situations as possible, and this takes time.

One of the most important points about this approach is to fully receive the compassion you offer yourself. This means to give yourself permission to get into it! This may be challenging at first because you are likely used to spending your energy on avoiding or managing overwhelm. If you shift your focus from avoidance to being compassionate with the part of you that is overwhelmed, you may be surprised how much you are able to expand your window of tolerance.

Reference:

Neff, K. (2011, June 27). The chemicals of care: How self-compassion manifests in our bodies. Retrieved from https://www.huffingtonpost.com/kristin-neff/self-compassion_b_884665.html

How do you react to your inner critic?

Have you found yourself responding to that internal critical voice that just won’t leave you alone? Maybe you’re feeling yourself shut down in response to all that ruthless chatter. You may not be able to figure out how to slow down and stop berating yourself.

An inner critic can be useful in ways, though we may not always be willing to acknowledge it. This internal voice can help keep us on our toes every so often with quick judgments. And judgments can often be useful. They allow us to make quick descriptions by creating simple categories and fast, shorthand ways of describing preferences and consequences.

At times we need to make judgments very quickly in order to act. For example, if we are driving and someone swerves into our lane, we have to make an instant judgment in that moment. The difficulty lies in the fact that the judgments we make are often incomplete and inaccurate. They can hold us back as a result. [fat_widget_right]

There are other problems with judgments, too:

• They have a tendency to distract us from what’s actually happening and may end up replacing facts.
• Judgments can lead us to stop observing or becoming aware of what’s going on for us.
• Judgments can feed negative emotions like guilt or shame.

Letting Go of Judgments

It can be helpful for us to learn to let go of our judgments. We want to be able to draw on them as needed and use them when they’re useful for us. But it’s important to know how and when to let go. That way, when our judgments are not really serving us, we can choose to stop judging and make a difference choice.

How can we do this? One way is through mindfulness.

One of the key elements of mindfulness is practicing the nonjudgmental stance. This can help us increase our compassion—not just for others, but for ourselves, as well. Learning to mindfully disentangle ourselves from our judgments can help us learn to quiet our inner critic. It can also leave us free to aim for the things we want to build in our lives.

The following steps can help you begin.

1. Notice your inner critic.

It may be difficult to notice your inner critic and the judgments it passes at first, but it’s possible to learn. It may help you to keep a tally of these judgments in a journal or on a worksheet. That way, you have an opportunity to stop and notice what it was that brought on the judgment.

2. Determine if the judgment is helpful.

When you’ve identified what led to the judgment or caused the self-criticism, you can then determine whether it’s something that’s helpful for you or not. If it’s something that is helpful, you can consider how you might navigate it in a way that serves you well.

At first, it may seem to you as though your inner critic is turbocharged. It’s full of power and overactive. It may feel as though you’re doing a lot of judging. You might even end up berating yourself for this and judge the judgments you are passing. Though it may feel as though your inner critic is running wild, what’s actually happening is that you are becoming more aware of the internal judging. Your awareness is leading you to start noticing it more and more. You aren’t judging yourself more, you’re just becoming more aware of when you’re doing it. This is a progression. By becoming more aware of where our mind is, we have a greater opportunity for bringing it back to where we want it to be.

When you’ve identified what led to the judgment or caused the self-criticism, you can then determine whether it’s something that’s helpful for you or not.

When we notice our judgments, we have the opportunity to ask ourselves, “Is this judgment helping or hurting me?” If the answer is that it’s helping us, we realize what can contribute to our lives and how that judgment has served us positively. We also have the option of taking action. If the judgment is one that’s hurting us, we have gained some additional information about our inner critic and the ways it works to denigrate us.

In these instances, the tools we’ve learned for letting go of that judgment can serve us well. For example, we might reevaluate and become aware of what it was we were judging and then replace the judgment with statements of preference or consequence. We can also replace judgments with things we have observed with each of our senses.

When we use these steps, we can practice accepting what it is we notice without getting entangled in our internal monologue. In this way, we can more easily allow the judgments to drift away. This can take some practice, especially at first. If you do notice, as you progress, that more judging is happening, try not to give in to the temptation to judge those judgments. Instead, allow yourself to simply notice how your inner critic is paying attention to what is going on. This can help you bring your awareness back to what might actually serve you in this moment.

If you are struggling to increase your awareness of your inner critic and the judgments it passes, a trained, compassionate counselor can help you explore strategies for doing so.

For many of us, stress is a fundamental part of life. Perhaps we tend to overextend ourselves with work, social commitments, and our personal lives. Or maybe we never turn off our many devices, which can prevent us from being able to simply relax and enjoy each moment. As a result of this overstimulation, we often end up seeking out ways to self-soothe.

Food can be a source of comfort for many people. And while emotional eating can help us feel good in the moment, it can often have negative effects over time.

How can we know if we have an unhealthy relationship with food? Signs that indicate emotional eating may be having a negative impact can include:

• Craving certain kinds of food. When we eat to comfort ourselves, the types of foods we choose are usually those that are the worst for us. People don’t often reach for nutritious foods like broccoli or spinach when trying to feel better. We are instead usually drawn to greasy, fried foods or sweet treats. These foods may make us feel better at first, but they do not provide us with any real nutritional value. What’s more, if we consistently choose them, we will be more likely to crave them when stressed. This can contribute to an unhealthy cycle.
• Eating more than we should. When we eat for emotional reasons rather than to satisfy our hunger, we are more likely to miss the cues the body gives us when we’re full. Many people try to “fill” an inner sense of emptiness or numb out uncomfortable emotions through mindless eating. But this can frequently lead to overindulgence, as the food never truly fulfills the need we’re trying to meet. [fat_widget_right]
• Weight gain and health issues. Frequent overeating and choosing foods that have little nutritional value can lead to weight gain and medical issues, such as diabetes, high cholesterol levels, and heart problems, among others.
• Yo-yo dieting and/or eating disorders. When people gain weight as a result of eating to self-soothe, they may then be more likely to go diet frequently or skip meals in order to lose weight. Others may start an unhealthy cycle of bingeing and purging in an attempt to avoid putting on weight. Both of these patterns can be extremely harmful to the body.
• Low self-esteem. When we feel unable to cope with stress in ways that support physical and emotional well-being, emotional eating can negatively impact the way we view ourselves and our bodies. This added challenge can make the stress we are trying to cope with even more difficult to effectively address.

You don’t have to change all of your eating habits overnight. It’s often easier to begin by making small changes.

If you believe you might have an unhealthy relationship with food, you may find it helpful to try some of the following techniques:

• Practice mindful eating. Being more aware of our eating habits can help us begin to eat healthier. If we eat in front of the computer or while watching TV or texting, we pay less attention to what we are doing and may end up eating more than we intend. By sitting down at a table and removing all distractions, we can begin to eat more mindfully. By truly tuning in to our bodies, we are better able to notice when we start to feel full.
• Find more effective ways to deal with stress. It may be difficult, if not impossible, to remove all of your stress from your life. But you can help reduce its effects by choosing activities that help decrease stress levels. You might find it helpful to go out for a walk, practice yoga, meditate, or garden, for example. Other options include doing hobbies you enjoy, listening to calming music, spending time in nature, and practicing relaxation exercises.
• Take small steps to start to eat healthier. You don’t have to change all of your eating habits overnight. It’s often easier to begin by making small changes. Try bringing more nutritious snacks to work, cutting back on processed and fast foods, eliminating or reducing your soda intake, and including more fruits and vegetables in your diet.
• Seek help from a trained professional. If you feel as though you are struggling to control your eating habits or if you believe you may be struggling with an eating disorder, you may find it helpful to contact a therapist experienced in working with eating and food issues. The support of a compassionate therapist or counselor can help you take steps to get back on track.

If you believe your relationship with food has become unhealthy or you find yourself struggling to manage your eating habits, you may find some of the suggestions above to be helpful. Exploring them on your own, or with the help of a qualified professional, can be beneficial as you work to develop healthier eating habits.

Making one small change at a time can help you deal with stress in more effective and productive ways, and eating to self-soothe may become less of a habit as a result. Being able to eat better is not only likely to help us feel better physically, but can also lead to improvements in how we feel about ourselves!

Reference:
Smith, M., Segal, J., & Segal, R. (2018). Emotional eating: How to recognize and stop emotional and stress eating. Retrieved from https://www.helpguide.org/articles/diets/emotional-eating.htm

Do the sluggish days of winter have you feeling like you’re in “autopilot mode”? Perhaps you catch yourself living for the weekends, keeping them jam-packed and exciting—something to look forward to on the calendar. In contrast, on weekdays you may come home from work feeling uninspired and flattened, having barely seen daylight.

Here are five small changes that can impact your happiness and contentment on a day-to-day level, no matter the season.

1. Wake Up Mindfully

You may find yourself reaching for your phone first thing in the morning to silence the alarm, then autopiloting into checking email, apps, weather, and more. I challenge you to resist the urge to tune into something external to begin your day. Instead, begin from within.

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The screen time might help shake your grogginess, but it also has the potential to jar you from your mindful calm into a more stressful state. Creating a morning ritual, such as a quiet cup of coffee, soft music, or journaling may help you tune into yourself before you step out into the chaotic world.

2. Set an Intention for the Day

Setting an intention could be as simple as, “Today I will schedule my time in a way such that I am not in too much of a hurry,” or, “Today I will be patient with myself.” Let the intention guide your actions throughout the day, thinking of it as a lighthouse to return to when things become stressful or trying.

Once you get into the habit of it, this simple practice can help you to live with more intention rather than going through the motions. Write your intention on a sticky note if that helps; it can be as short as a few words.

3. Take the Scenic Route

Embrace the unexpected. One of the ways in which we most often fall into “autopilot” is being too stuck in our routines. Driving an unusual route to work or taking a different train may add a few more minutes to your commute, but studies have shown that switching up the norm can have cognitive benefits, allowing you to problem-solve and utilize areas of your brain that may have otherwise gone dormant.

Enjoy the scenery! Life is about the journey, not the destination.

These five practices share some common themes—each allows you to shake up your norm, find inspiration in the simple rather than the complex, and find connection.

4. Connect with Others

Every seemingly mundane encounter is an opportunity for two people to connect; when we do it, it feels good! It could be as simple as chatting with the person who delivers your mail for a bit longer than usual, or as elaborate as calling an old friend on your lunch break rather than tackling a stack of work emails.

Connecting can also boost your intelligence: Researchers have found that conversing and considering others’ perspectives may improve executive brain function and cognitive abilities in the attention and memory centers. It’s good for both the heart and mind!

5. Connect with Nature

It may be tougher to find ways to connect with nature when the sky is colder and darker, but I challenge you to do so as you would in warmer weather—perhaps standing outside your car for a few minutes to look at the stars or bundling up to spend a few moments on your deck with a cup of tea. Nature allows for the unexpected and creative moments that you may not find on your couch. You may see animals, hear sounds, or simply relax into the moment.

Research has shown time and time again there are psychological benefits to being in nature: A study published by Stanford University had one group of participants take a 90-minute walk through a city, whereas the other group took a walk through the woods. The group who walked in the woods had reduced blood flow to the prefrontal cortex, the area of the brain that causes ruminating and anxious thoughts.

These five practices share some common themes—each allows you to shake up your norm, find inspiration in the simple rather than the complex, and find connection. Defaulting to “autopilot mode” is often a result of loneliness or a lack of inspiration, and implementing mindfulness into your daily routine can be an antidote to both.

For more ideas, contact a licensed therapist in your area.

References:

1. Gilkey, R., & Kilts, C. (2007). Cognitive Fitness. Retrieved from https://hbr.org/2007/11/cognitive-fitness
2. Jordan, R. (2015, June 30). Stanford researchers find mental health prescription: Nature. Retrieved from https://news.stanford.edu/2015/06/30/hiking-mental-health-063015/
3. Sage Publications. (2008, February 19). Does Socializing Make Us Smarter? Retrieved from https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2008/02/080215135707.htm

All of us experience periods of ups and downs, which tend to be compounded by the demands of modern living. Stress has become the norm rather than the exception for many of us, and its long-term effects can be detrimental to our physical and mental health. Finding ways to manage stress more effectively is important in order to avoid becoming overly anxious, depressed, or contracting a physical ailment.

Meditation has been shown to hold significant potential in helping to reduce stress and increase a person’s sense of equanimity and well-being. Meditating on a regular basis can be advantageous for beginners and long-term practitioners alike. Regular practice is important, however, to maximize the benefits.

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Anyone can meditate. Pick a spot where you can be undisturbed for a predetermined amount of time and turn off your phone. If you have never meditated, start with just 10 minutes a day; later, you can gradually increase your time to 20 or 30 minutes, if you like. Consistency is key, so try to find a time that will work for you every day.

Many people like to start off the day by meditating. As meditation tends to have a grounding effect and helps to calm the mind, it can set the tone for the whole day when practiced first thing in the morning. If the evening works better, however, this can be a great way to unwind after a long day at work.

A few tips for meditating:

Meditation is a great tool to help us to deal more effectively with the pressures we face in a fast-paced world. If you remain open to its possibilities, practicing on a regular basis can lead to a healthier and happier life.

• Get in a comfortable seated position. You can sit in a straight-backed chair or on a cushion on the floor. If sitting on a chair, keep your back straight and both feet flat on the floor. If you opt to sit on a cushion on the floor, sit with your back straight and legs crossed or adopt a lotus or half-lotus position (if either is comfortable for you).
• Focus on your breath. Bring your awareness to the air entering your nostrils and going into your lungs during the inhale, then on the air emptying from your lungs and going out of your nostrils during the exhale. Counting each inhale can help you to stay more focused. Try counting until you reach 10, then start over. If you find your mind has wandered, bring your awareness back to the breath and start counting again.
• Allow your thoughts to come and go. Try to avoid getting caught up in your “normal” thinking process. Imagine that your mind is like the clear blue sky and your thoughts are clouds crossing overhead. As you become more accustomed to doing this, you may find yourself getting less attached to your thoughts and the story line you usually associate with your notion of who you are.

Some of the many benefits associated with meditating on a regular basis include:

• Stress reduction
• Increased ability to concentrate
• Increased self-esteem
• Greater self-acceptance
• Increased happiness and peace of mind
• Reduced levels of depression and anxiety
• Lower blood pressure
• Increased self-awareness
• Stronger immune system
• Improved cardiovascular health
• Better sleep

Meditation is a great tool to help us to deal more effectively with the pressures we face in a fast-paced world. If you remain open to its possibilities, practicing on a regular basis can lead to a healthier and happier life. For guidance in setting up a meditation practice, reach out to a therapist who is experienced with mindfulness techniques.

Reference:

Meditation: In depth. (2017, September 7). Retrieved from https://nccih.nih.gov/health/meditation/overview.htm

You’re feeling lousy? Good.

While it’s awful to be struggling, it’s also necessary. The pain is the signal you’ve been waiting for—that you’re motivated to change. No one ever woke up from a refreshing nap, looked at their lovely house and loving family, and said, “I really need to change my life in a difficult and lasting way.” It’s only when we’re suffering that we tend to dig in and do the hard work of choosing a new way to exist.

Whether the adjustment you want is small (to exercise a bit more) or large (leaving your relationship), whether it’s long-term (learning to love yourself) or temporary (finding the courage to ask for a raise), creating change means first figuring out why you haven’t done it in the past. Secondly, it means modifying your thoughts and your actions every day, maybe even every minute. This is difficult stuff. It takes determination and commitment.

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Which is why most people don’t do it. Real change is rare. People often start projects and then abandon them, because starting is exciting but continuing takes constant attention. This is where pain unexpectedly becomes a positive force. When you’re miserable, the discomfort pushes you to keep going with your new life plan, and see it through, because the stress of changing feels better than the despair of never changing.

Distracting from Pain Increases the Pain

Without pain as an incentive, many of us push away the bad feelings we get from whatever behavior is causing us grief. Your partner is distant and critical? Drink more to forget about it. Your job is unfulfilling? Veg out each night with potato chips and Netflix. It’s easier to numb ourselves to the pain, so we try that, maybe for years on end.

By distracting all the pain away, however, we can’t ever be in the moment (we’re too busy chilling out with Reddit or diverted by Twitter) and so we end up missing life. The idea of feeling an uncomfortable feeling is so scary that we run away from it, worried the emotion will overwhelm or devastate us.

If you’re so cut off from what you feel that you can’t name it, you can convince yourself it’s either not important enough (“I couldn’t possibly still be upset about what happened when I was 12”) or that it isn’t fixable (“If I don’t even know for sure what it is, why bother thinking about it?”) or that it will overwhelm you (“If I open the floodgates, I won’t ever be able to stop being angry”).

But what if the pain isn’t devastating? What if it has something to tell us?

Step 1: Mindfulness

What you don’t realize in that moment is that knowledge is change—or, at the very least, the first step toward healing. Feeling the pain is also called being mindful or being in the moment.

The practice of mindfulness helps to identify and tolerate uncomfortable emotions. The work is to notice you’re having an emotion, acknowledge it is there, and not try to push it away but merely sit with it. It’s tougher than it sounds. I recommend taking a class, contacting a professional, or using online resources such as those at UCLA’s Mindful Awareness Research Center.

That little kid is still inside, yearning for comfort and approval and unconditional love. At this moment, you are the only person who can provide that.

Step 2: Acceptance of the Pain

Another step in mindfulness is to accept that you feel the pain. Acceptance is often confused with resignation. Resigning yourself to bad feelings means being stuck with them and in them, with no options or hope. Acceptance, instead, means letting go of the illusion of control.

Acceptance says, “I’m okay right here. Even when it hurts, I won’t be destroyed. And by giving my pain a chance to breathe, I will understand it better, give it words, and uncover parts of it that have been so deeply buried I didn’t even know they were there.”

Step 3: Integration

The process will be difficult. But it’s not until you know yourself fully and accept all the pieces of yourself—good and bad—that you can be fully formed. It’s a process therapists call integration, to join together all the different parts of yourself and stop rejecting the pieces you think aren’t good enough. The parts that hurt or you’re ashamed of.

Often, what we’re running away from when we distract is something we dislike about ourselves, a perceived fault, or an anxiety. By confronting the idea that even our laziness, our extra weight, our selfishness are all normal, tolerable elements of ourselves, we can finally find a way to like ourselves.

Step 4: Learning to Comfort Yourself

Learning to like ourselves can be achieved by practicing and envisioning being loving toward ourselves. In the past, someone, parents or peers, likely shamed you about actions you took or feelings you expressed. You were taught by people or society that to feel sad, or to express anger, or to fail at anything is bad. So anytime you didn’t measure up, you covered up. That little kid is still inside, yearning for comfort and approval and unconditional love. At this moment, you are the only person who can provide that.

The process is, again, to sit with the parts of yourself that are hurting. But now, as opposed to when you were just being mindful and accepting, you embrace those parts and comfort that younger self. It’s often called “inner child” work, and is best accomplished with the help of a therapist or a guide such as this one.

Really knowing your own story, all of it, allows you to start rewriting it. “I was hurt in the past, I ran away from the hurt by drinking too much, and now instead of running I can comfort myself and choose better ways to deal.” What better mantra for the year ahead?

Mindfulness and meditation are two examples of Buddhist psychology that have been widely used to help people deal with a variety of mental health conditions, including mood and personality issues. Buddhist teachings tend to be easily assimilated into mental health treatments because they offer applied practices which help us to overcome unhealthy thinking, behavioral, and emotional patterns.

A practicing Buddhist psychotherapist for nine years, I find myself offering Buddhist teachings and practices to people with greater frequency. Buddhist techniques can easily be applied to “homework” assignments and real-world applications for people in therapy, making them especially useful therapeutic tools.

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Buddhist psychology contains myriad beneficial teachings and practices. I tend to teach people in therapy to meditate regardless of the presenting issue. Some individuals are unable to begin their practice by sitting quietly and following the breath because they experience intrusive thoughts. “Beginner” practices such as walking meditation, reciting a mantra, or counting meditation give the mind something to attend to while simultaneously slowing down racing or unwanted thoughts. Mindfulness, another technique, has become mainstream and is used by many psychotherapists to help people stay in the present moment. Other, lesser-known Buddhist psychology techniques can be equally useful.

Here are four Buddhist psychology concepts of particular note:

Right Action

When you are engaged in thinking, behavioral, or emotional patterns that may have less-than-beneficial effects, investigate and consider a different action that may be more conducive to your well-being. If the action you are considering supports wisdom, understanding, peace, and flexibility, you are on the right track. If the new action is creating more suffering, ignorance, rigidness, or is immoral, you are not engaged in “right action.”

You might start by identifying one minor action you can take the next time you are triggered to promote a sense of peace and well-being. Your practice could start with something as simple as changing an aspect of nonverbal communication such as the tone of your voice or sitting up taller.

After you identify a new right action, the egoic voice may begin commenting on all the reasons you couldn’t, wouldn’t, shouldn’t incorporate this new action. Don’t listen. The egoic voice is based in fear. Your inner wisdom, which knows right action, is based in fearlessness.

An element that is contained in any growth process is an ability to tolerate discomfort. When an urge arises, we must stay with the discomfort for as long as possible. This is “right effort.”

Right Effort

Our most harmful thinking, emotional, and behavioral patterns have been habituated over the course of years with thoughts and actions. What is a right effort to break our worst habits? This depends on many factors, including your personality, your motivation, and your support systems.

An element that is contained in any growth process is an ability to tolerate discomfort. When an urge arises, we must stay with the discomfort for as long as possible. This is “right effort.” Tolerating discomfort is by definition uncomfortable, but we can all tolerate some discomfort. We do it all the time.

Impermanence

Everything is impermanent. Your thoughts, emotions, job, health, relationships, physical appearance, and reputation (among other things) are all impermanent. Sometimes, the nature of impermanence results in sudden, life-changing experiences. At other times, conditions change at an imperceptibly slow pace.

My personal favorite is to witness the impermanent nature of my likes and dislikes. Some of my likes become dislikes and some of my dislikes become likes. The condition of clinging and aversion are constantly shifting.

How can we apply this insight to our mental health and well-being? It helps us to learn to tolerate discomfort. Unhealthy behavioral, emotional, or cognitive responses are driven by likes and dislikes. We desire something because we like it. If we can see the urge as an impermanent condition of “liking,” we can distance ourselves from the urge and the habituation may become less intense.

Ego

Buddhist psychology and Western psychology view the ego very differently. In Western psychotherapy, a therapist may strive to identify and empower a person to change aspects of their ego or sense of self. More specifically, a therapist may assist the person in therapy to sculpt their egoic sense of self to adopt healthy self-concepts. In Buddhist psychology, the task is more aligned with an attempt to annihilate ego. The idea is that when there is no longer ego, there is no longer suffering. That is because, according to Buddhist psychology, the ego is the fountain from which clinging and aversion flows. If we can stop the constant flow of clinging and aversion, we may be free from suffering. This is not to say we will not have preferences. We recognize our preferences, but distance ourselves from the perception that our preferences are conditions for joy and peace.

A personal experience I often share with people in therapy occurred at a local Zen temple that I often visit. A visiting monk was joining us for the evening. He was a distinguished older gentleman with a deep sense of stillness and peace. The abbot of the temple, who lives humbly and with minimal comforts, offered us dinner before we began meditation. The dinner consisted of mini-pizzas which still had the price tag of “10 for $1” on the cellophane wrapping. The dear abbot used an old toaster oven which burnt the pizza on one half and barely heated the other half.

After eating, we practiced walking meditation before listening to the visiting monk speak of preferences. He stated he preferred the food of his native country, Vietnam. He commented that the pizza, while offered with generosity, was not very satisfying. He went on to say that although the food was not good, during meditation he felt happy, peaceful, and content. His likes/dislikes, although present, did not affect his mood or mindfulness in the slightest. Our preferences are constantly presenting or taking from us and should not be a condition for our peace if we live with wisdom, he explained. The conditions come and go. Our peace does not have to if we accept the present moment and see our likes and dislikes with an element of detachment.

When we learn to distance ourselves from our clinging to favorable conditions as a condition of our peace, we are free. May you be successful in liberating yourself from suffering.

Have you noticed a general unease, anxiety, or agitation as you move through your days, with sudden bursts of more extreme rage or anxiety when certain things don’t go your way?  Do you notice a frequent feeling of depression and despair when you think about how your life is going?  Does every day feel like you’re walking through mud or as if nothing feels good enough?

There may be a variety of causes for these feelings, but I want to focus specifically on one cause that plagues many of us: the war we are waging against reality. To put it another way, we may have certain pictures in our minds of how we think life should look and cannot accept when those pictures do not correspond to what life really is shaping out to be. In this article, I want to help you identify if you are indeed waging such a war and (if so) how you can find peace by accepting yourself and your life as is.

Why Do We Wage War with Reality?

One of the most difficult aspects of life for human beings is our lack of control. It is often the cause of a tremendous amount of anxiety, and many of us unconsciously spend a great deal of energy developing strategies to attempt to establish control or convince ourselves that we can control life. When things in life go in certain ways that demonstrate our lack of control, it can be quite unnerving. If you experienced pain as a child, when a lack of control is quite evident, unnerving events now may feel especially threatening. [fat_widget_right]

If this resonates for you, you may be unconsciously fighting against reality. Other signs might include frequent agitation and anxiety or rage when things happen that you don’t want to happen. This can range from spilling something on the floor, to traffic, to not performing the way you want, to feeling frequently agitated by the people in your lives. And if these intense emotional reactions are due to particular events, they may be evoking memories of injuries you may have sustained as a child.

Fighting against reality, whatever is actually occurring in every given moment, can be the source of significant pain, but the thought of not fighting can be even more frightening. By not fighting, you have to accept that you are not in control.

Radical Acceptance

Radical acceptance describes the act of embracing, with your entire being, what is happening now. It is accepting that you cannot control others. It means accepting yourself as you are, no matter who that person is. Radical acceptance means removing the additional layer of reactions to the things that are happening that you do not like.

Accepting that you are not in control takes a lot of practice! It helps to remember you don’t have to like what is happening. In fact, radical acceptance does not mean you resign yourself to injustice or harm. What it does mean is accepting what is happening in order to take action appropriately and effectively.

Fighting against reality, whatever is actually occurring in every given moment, can be the source of significant pain, but the thought of not fighting can be even more frightening. By not fighting, you have to accept that you are not in control.

When you accept life, you will find that you can choose how to respond to it rather than feel imprisoned by it, and this, in turn, may help you find a connection to joy.

Here are a few ways to start down the road to radical acceptance:

1. Build your awareness. Start to observe your own reactions to life’s twists and turns as much as possible. Examine which kinds of twists and turns in particular get to you. How do you typically react? Building awareness in and of itself is an act of acceptance because it is separate from judgment and reaction.
2. Practice watching your breath. You don’t need a meditation practice to watch your breath. Whenever you feel a reaction coming on, take several deep breaths into your belly, as many as you can until your reaction subsides. This and awareness are the seeds of radical acceptance.
3. Work with your thoughts. As you build your awareness, you will notice your reactive thoughts take a certain form: “This sucks!” “I hate this!” “Why is this happening to me?” “Why do bad things always happen?” Once you can identify those thoughts, you can work with them by counteracting them. You can challenge those thoughts by refuting them in your own mind: “Actually, bad things don’t always happen to me.” “Yes, I don’t like this, but it’s okay. I can deal with it.”

These are some of the basic but surprisingly difficult ways to develop radical acceptance. If you dedicate to these practices, you may find it easier to shift the way you relate to life and that, by doing so, you find more peace and joy in life.

If you find the practice of radical acceptance to be challenging, a mental health professional can offer support and guidance. I wish you the best in your pursuit.

Always too bothered about what others thought—that was me, for the longest time. I would waste hours worrying about things that did not need so much consideration. Isolating myself from people did not help, as avoiding others only made me more anxious. The fear of not being able to meet people’s expectations was eating at me from within. I would panic at the thought of someday having a heart attack due to all the stress.

Some days anxiety affected me so much I became unpleasant to be around, and many people felt it was difficult to deal with me. You might wonder, how much worse could it be? But my anxiety was not just a general feeling of fear or panic. It was a heightened state of nervousness and fear, which would escalate to the point where I would start feeling short of breath. I had to deal with it somehow.

Addressing My Anxiety: The Beginning

One day, I slammed onto the floor, clasping my shirt, panting heavily, trying to catch my breath. I knew it—I was having a panic attack. The reason? Nothing that complicated, just a simple misunderstanding at work that caused an issue that wasn’t as major as it appeared to be. When things did not go my way, I often became loud and hasty, trying to prove my point, to the extent that I often became shaky and nervous. [fat_widget_right]

Why did these things affect me so much? I started zoning myself out, trying to maintain a clear distance from people because I assumed they were causing me to react this way. My anxiety led me to pull away from people and began to ruin my relationships, which became either heated and filled with arguments and fights or just silence and awkwardness. I felt like my work stress was ruining my life.

However, as it turns out, it wasn’t the work. It was me. Every small detail that caught my attention had to be perfect, and that need to be perfect was stressing me out. I was tired of not being able to enjoy things like everybody else seemed to. I did not want to keep ruining outings with my paranoia. I knew it wasn’t necessary to always perform well in whatever I did, that it was all right to have mishaps and pitfalls—but I had to go beyond knowing. I had to live this.

Once I had the willingness to change the way things were in my life, the desire to take this step to try and heal this illness of mine before it became worse, I could commit to my recovery, knowing there was no turning back. But even though I’d decided to address my anxiety, I knew change would not happen overnight. It was going to take some time. When I received help and support from those dear to me, I was touched, and I began to realize things did not have to be as bad as they seemed.

The following are a few of the steps I took on my path to eliminate anxiety.

1. Resist the urge to overexplain.

As I was often too anxious about what others thought of me, I put too much effort into trying to explain myself to people. I discovered I often went too far and said too much. When I finally learned it was not necessary for me to offer so many details, I was able to work on this by limiting myself in conversation. Doing this helped me begin to feel much better. I realized I was wasting mental energy when I overexplained, and this often led to my becoming emotional. Trimming my explanations helped me become more at peace.

I was tired of not being able to enjoy things like everybody else seemed to. I did not want to keep ruining outings with my paranoia. I knew it wasn’t necessary to always perform well in whatever I did, that it was all right to have mishaps and pitfalls—but I had to go beyond knowing. I had to live this.

2. Have more self-appreciation.

Being anxious was one major thing that often dragged me down and contributed to my low mood and energy. I believe it is important to feel proud of even little accomplishments, but I did not do that, which was why I was miserable. No matter what, or how much, I did, I felt like it wasn’t enough.

Anxiety often made me feel self-conscious, and it also brought me down. I was feeling worthless all the time, but when I started praising myself more, I began to take pride in my achievements. I knew then that I was making progress.

3. Find effective coping methods.

We often turn to bad habits to cope with problems and challenges in our life. Many people, myself included, might drink alcohol or take up smoking in order to cope with anxiety. Others might self-isolate. But these methods proved to be ineffective for me, so I instead began to turn to activities that let me improve my mental and physical skills. I began practicing yoga and meditation. These activities not only helped me develop better self-control, they had a spiritual effect that was quite invaluable for me. Music was another method that helped me manage my anxiety to a large extent.

In general, I discovered finding things to do that helped keep my mind in a peaceful state was a good strategy for dealing with anxiety. The coping methods that worked for me also allowed me to strengthen my mental ability, which helped me overcome my anxiety. It’s important to remember, though, that not every method works for every person. What really helps one individual might provide little relief for another.

4. Change to (and maintain!) a more flexible mindset.

One thing I found to have a severe impact on my anxiety issues was my rigid, inflexible mindset. I had to learn (and reinforce) the idea that it was all right if things were not always perfect. Even if something didn’t go my way, I could still take a breather and take it easy. Of course, I still find it helpful to have a process and follow it, but once in a while, I think it’s good for everyone to change things up a bit.

Developing a more flexible mindset helped me not fixate on small mistakes. I became calmer overall and began to get stressed out less frequently. When I began to let things go the way they would naturally, I found it easier to avoid handling things in a mechanical way.

5. Eliminate anxiety through visualization.

Eliminating my anxiety began by facing and fighting my triggers instead of fearing them. Once I started visualizing myself as a calmer person, I began to feel like one. When I stopped being fearful and started to adapt to the situation I was placed in, things started to settle down. To expel the negativity in my head, I began to fill my mind with positive thoughts, and this greatly impacted me.

My journey through anxiety wasn’t an easy one, but these journeys aren’t usually easy. There are no miracles that can get rid of mental health challenges overnight. What mattered for me was my persistence to be committed and work on my well-being continuously.

Taking steps to address my anxiety helped me find great relief. It seemed difficult until I tried to face it, but doing so helped my life improve, personally and professionally. There is no more suffocation in my chest, and the skies seem clearer now.

If you are struggling with anxiety, consider seeking the help of a qualified and compassionate professional who can help you identify and address symptoms of anxiety.

Nisha has a passion for writing and loves the idea of sharing her thoughts with others who may be helped by them. She has written many articles on yoga, fitness, wellness, remedies, and beauty. 

“Pain is inevitable; suffering is optional.” —Buddhist proverb

One morning when I was trying to leave a meditation group, I became agitated because others were “making me late” for another meditation group. I moved swiftly from blaming others to feeling shame at my imagined late entrance and fearing that I wouldn’t be able to find a place to sit. These worries, coupled with my anxiety about pain in my back and whether I could even sit, led to a meltdown.

I rapidly convinced myself that everyone (yes, everyone) would stare at me and shun me forever (yes, forever). I disconnected from the facts. I forgot that these people were my sangha—my community of Buddhist practitioners—and are committed to compassion for all beings (yes, even for me). They weren’t there to judge me. Like me, they were there to hear our teachers. But who needs facts in the middle of a meltdown? I found myself weeping as I drove, conjuring all kinds of judgment about what a bad person I was for falling apart. “And you call yourself a meditator! Tsk, tsk!” said the voice in my mind.

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As I drove along in misery, I somehow remembered I could drop all of these stories. Suddenly the thought arose, clear as a bell: “I am just crying.” That was the simple truth of the situation, the only thing that was actually happening. My relief was immediate and complete. By the time I arrived, I had settled. I blew my nose and entered the hall as the lamas were beginning their talk. I found a seat easily and was greeted warmly by friends sitting nearby.

As usual, all my suffering was for nothing. If more pain had come my way in that moment, fretting about it wouldn’t help. Fretting only leads to further disconnect from my heart and my strength. If no pain had come my way, then fretting would only waste precious time and energy. As Buddhists say, “If you can do something about it, no need to worry. If you can’t do anything about it, no need to worry.”

Creating Suffering

We all experience pain in our lives. Unfortunately, our attempts to manage pain often turn it into suffering instead of providing relief.

Some common ways we create suffering include:

• Ignoring pain. When we ignore pain, we don’t learn anything. Instead we often continually repeat the habits that create suffering.
• Making pain our story. When we turn pain into our default self-narrative, we can overlook the details of our emotions. We might experience depression or anxiety as a solid, unchanging wall. But in reality the experience may be full of gaps and moments of freedom.
• Rejecting our pain. Making an enemy of our experience can lead to suffering. When we push away our experiences and don’t allow ourselves to explore and understand our feelings, we cannot learn or grow from them. Experience is just experience. Rejecting our thoughts and feelings is usually pointless. What’s more, it can deepen the conflict in our lives. (Of course, some experiences may be simply too painful to examine for a time, or on your own. If you are dealing with something particularly difficult, please seek help from a qualified therapist or counselor.)

Noticing Pain

Both physical and emotional pain can be effectively managed when we look directly at what is actually happening. We examine it, but we don’t reject it, cling to it, ignore it, or elaborate it. This perspective allows us to notice the true nature of pain: transitory, mutable, and impermanent. It is not solid and ceaseless, It has no story—despite our attempts to give it one. It appears and then dissolves over time.

We all experience pain in our lives. Unfortunately, our attempts to manage pain often turn it into suffering instead of relief.

It takes an open mind to perceive our situation clearly and accurately. It takes patience to sit and observe without altering, judging, or making assumptions. It can help to remember that we are never alone. Any pain or suffering we feel has also been felt by others. There is no one whose life is free from pain, who does not wish to be free of suffering, and who does not deserve compassion. We are all in this together.

Practice sitting quietly a few minutes each day without letting your thoughts or feelings run things. Use this time to wish for all beings—including ourselves and the people we find difficult—to be free from suffering. Practice mindfulness. This can help us learn to recognize which of our stories are creating suffering. When we recognize this, we may become more willing to drop them on the spot.

When we simply rest our minds on pain without aiming to alter our experience, we might notice that the pain changes. This can bring great comfort and reassurance. Pain is no more permanent than anything else. Headaches are not solid and unchanging. Neither are depression and fear. Through this practice we can gain confidence in our ability to work with whatever arises in the moment. We don’t need to cover the world with leather to protect our feet. We can simply wear shoes.

One thing is certain: more pain will come our way in this life. It is inevitable. But it is possible to choose whether we will turn it into suffering or simply leave it to arise and dissolve on its own. That is always an option.