Children are a product of their environments. Just as children who are brought up in loving, supportive, and caring environments are more likely to behavior that way as adults, children who are brought up in fear, anger, and hostility have a higher chance of experiencing similar environments in adulthood. But does this same theory apply to acoustic and physical chaos? Syeda Shamama-tus-Sabah of the National Institute of Psychology at Quaid-i-Aaam University in Pakistan wanted to explore this question. In a recent study, Shamama-tus-Sabah reviewed parent and teacher reports on 150 elementary school children. The children ranged in age from 8 to 11 years old and were all living with educated mothers. The children were assessed for depression and aggression to measure adjustment.

Shamama-tus-Sabah found a direct link between chaos and adjustment. “The results indicate that children from high chaotic families exhibit more aggression and depressive symptoms as compared to children from low chaotic families as reported by their parents and teachers,” said Shamama-tus-Sabah. This finding suggests that children who are not living in structure and routine may be more likely to struggle with behavior problems. This can lead to risk taking, including alcohol and drug use, tobacco initiation, and even sexually risky behavior. When Shamama-tus-Sabah looked at gender as a contributing factor, she found no difference in the chaos-adjustment relationship for girls and boys.

Some research has suggested that boys are more sensitive to chaotic environments, and therefore have higher levels of maladjustment than girls from similar environments. This research provided no support for that theory, but future research might explore that more in order to see if other types of maladjustment, aside from depression and aggression, manifest in boys more than girls. In western cultures, chaotic homes are not uncommon. However, in Pakistan, the increase in chaotic home lives, with more parents working and cities becoming overcrowded, could increase the risk for maladjustment in the youth population. In order to get a broader picture of the effects of chaos, future work should examine the gender aspect more thoroughly and should include parents of varying degrees of education and socioeconomic status.

Reference:
Shamama-tus-Sabah, Syeda, et al. (2013). Chaotic home conditions and children’s adjustment: Study of gender differences. Pakistan Journal of Psychological Research 27.2 (2012): 297-313. ProQuest. Web.

According to sociobiology, genetic preservation is at the core of human behavior. Because it is inherent in our genetic structure to ensure survival, individuals are predisposed to take measures to guarantee their genetic survival. In other words, they favor strategies and methods that will increase the likelihood of their family lineage being carried on. This is done through positive and negative methods. Positively, people have children so that their genetic tree can be extended to further generations. Negative methods of preserving genetic lineage also exist and include violence and aggression toward people who are not blood relatives. Based on these theories, it could be assumed that stepchildren are more likely to be abused by parents than biological children. In fact, some research has provided evidence of a 5-fold increase in risk of child abuse for step-children compared to biological children.

There is abundant evidence that children living in stepfamilies are more likely to experience sexual abuse. And children living with unmarried parents are also at risk for abuses including physical, sexual and emotional abuse. However, it has not been clearly established if stepchildren are injured as a result of their abuse more often than biological children. To get a better look at abuse rates among biological and stepchildren, Stewart J. D’Alessio of the Deaprtment of Criminal Justice at Florida International University recently examined data from more than 130 cities that was used as part of a larger study on abuse incident reporting. He looked at the biological status of the children, as well as the socioeconomic condition of their environment, as it has been suggested that disadvantaged communities have higher levels of stepchildren abuse.

D’Alessio found that children living in disadvantaged communities were more likely to experience abuse than those in socioeconomically advanced environments. He also found that the age of the perpetrator was influential of abuse. Younger parents were more likely to abuse children than older parents. However, there was no evidence suggesting that stepchildren were at increased risk for injury. “Contrary to expectations,” said D’Alessio, “Our results showed that the effect of a child’s genetic status on the likelihood of physical injury was in the opposite direction as predicted by sociobiology.” In fact, the stepchildren were less likely to be physically injured than the biological children. D’Alessio notes that these findings raise more questions for future research, and that that exploration should consider that many incidents of abuse are never reported. Methods to ascertain more reliable and valid abuse rates should be investigated in future work in this area.

Reference:
D’Alessio, Stewart J., PhD, and Lisa Stolzenberg. (2012). Stepchildren, community disadvantage, and physical injury in a child abuse incident: A preliminary investigation. Violence and Victims 27.6 (2012): 860-70. ProQuest. Web.

The sex talk is enough to send just about any parent into a tailspin of anxiety. Such anxiety can affect the quality of the conversation, your child’s attitudes about sex, and your child’s willingness to come to you with future sex-related questions. If your kid thinks he or she is going to be met with an anxious, flustered parent who conveys negativity, the child is much more likely to consult a friend—which can lead to misinformation.

Before you talk with your child about sex, you’ll need to examine your own attitudes so that you can convey comfort and confidence. While there’s no guarantee that you can completely move past your anxiety, there are a few things you can do to minimize it.

Examine Your Own Attitudes
Before you begin trying to shape your child’s attitudes about sex, look at your own ideas. Many parents, for example, want children to have healthy attitudes toward sex but feel uncomfortable with the topic themselves. Children believe what their parents do, not what they say, and no matter how positively you speak, negativity will rub off on your child.

Spend some time thinking about particular topics that make you uncomfortable and examine why these might be hot-button issues for you. If you have sexual issues of your own, it’s a good idea to talk to a therapist before you talk to your child. If there’s a specific topic that makes you uncomfortable, try delegating that topic to your spouse or a trusted family friend.

Start Early
There’s no way you can convey all the information your child needs to know about sex in a single talk, and trying to do so can spell disaster. Parents should start talking to their children about sex early, and continue providing age-appropriate information as children develop.

Starting early can help you move past your own anxiety. After all, it’s usually easier to talk to an adoring 6-year-old than to a judgmental teenager. By starting early, you get into the habit of talking about sex with your child, and this can make it easier to talk about other challenging subjects as your child gets older.

Make It Natural
Anything can start a conversation—a television show, news story, or the experience of a family member. There’s no need to corner your child and start a highly serious talk. Instead, use every opportunity you can to talk about sex in a comfortable, low-key environment.

When you let the conversation flow naturally, you’re less likely to build up dread. Conversations that occur as part of everyday events tend to be shorter, too, which can help reduce anxiety and stress.

Lower the Stakes
Sex conversations can seem like high-stakes talks, during which you must give every conceivable piece of information your child might ever need. This attitude can contribute to parental anxiety and make your child not want to talk to you about sex again.

Instead, try treating sex like any other topic, raising it in an easy, low-key manner. Pretend you’re talking about how to safely cross the road or how to kick a soccer ball. Heavy-handed approaches may be more likely to be met with skeptical, dismissive, or even rebellious reactions.

Ask for Feedback
Most parents’ conversations with their children are two-sided. You might each share what you did during the day or discuss your thoughts on a family member or political issue. But parents tend to make the sex talk one-sided, lecturing their children and expecting them to take in a huge quantity of information.

This practice not only makes it less likely that your child will get good information, it can also increase your anxiety. Instead, try asking your child his or her thoughts, asking how much he or she has learned, or even asking if the child feels like he or she can trust the information you’re giving. This gives your kid a chance to provide feedback and ask questions, and makes the sex talk seem much more like any other conversation.

References:

1. Park, A. (2009, December 07). Parents’ sex talk with kids: Too little, too late. Time Magazine. Retrieved from http://www.time.com/time/health/article/0,8599,1945759,00.html
2. Talking with kids about sex and relationships. (n.d.). Talk With Your Kids. Retrieved from http://www.talkwithkids.org/sex.html

My family moved to England from the United States when I was very young. My first memories are British ones. I remember learning to tie my school tie, and being proud of the little sword and shield crest on my tiny blazer. When I was 7, we moved back to America.

Shortly after arriving back in the United States, my older brother began his sexual advances. I have never been able to find out what had happened to him before he began to repeat the behavior, or when and where it occurred, but I am sure he was abused at a point prior to moving back to America. The behaviors he adopted and the activities he was interested in experiencing were far too advanced for a boy of 10 years old to come up with on his own. I had tried to get these answers from time to time over the years, but my mother was far too delusional or ashamed to ever give any real information.

The first interval of sexual activity occurred over the first two years in the US, and escalated quickly until we were discovered. It wasn’t until about a year ago that I learned exactly how that happened. She must have stumbled on us during a “session” in his room, but didn’t react right away. My memory of this is mostly blocked out.

What I do remember happened later in the evening. She angrily grabbed my younger brother and me and shoved us into the van and drove like crazy to a park nearby. I assume she left my older brother at home out of shame, or merely because she didn’t know what to do. My father was out of the country for work, probably somewhere in Europe. It was in the winter time, that much I remember. The heater was cranked up to the max and we were in snowsuits. I wanted to get out of the van at the park, but she refused to let us out. We three sat there for hours in silence. I got more and more scared and confused. What had she been thinking?

Eventually, I worked up the courage to ask her if I was in trouble. She looked at me with wild black eyes and started to snap, then, as suddenly as she started yell, she stopped. I can’t recall hearing any actual words. I was petrified, and I didn’t even know why. I wanted out of that van immediately. My mind raced feverishly through ways to escape and protect my younger brother without arousing her anger. I came up dry, but luckily, she grew tired of the pointless sitting and drove us home without another word.

Lasting Aftershock
Two weeks went by with no mention of that night, and then my father returned home from his trip. Normally, we loved it when he came home; we typically got small presents, and we got to hear stories of the friends we had left behind in England. This was not to be such a day. I was summoned to the living room to sit on the couch next to my older brother and wait for mother to finish talking to father in their bedroom. They came in and sat across from us. I knew immediately that doom was imminent.

We were both then subjected to an intense and specific interrogation, so laced with shame and disgust that I had to bury my 9-year-old head in the couch cushions. I wept with total abandon. I have been trying to remember the specific details of this morning, but can’t seem to get there. A lot of my childhood has dark windows of redacted information — blank spots surrounded with shame and sorrow, but silhouetted by the clear details around them. I remember it ending at some point when I eventually stopped crying and sat up to see that I was alone in the living room. I ran to my room and hid under my bedclothes. Mother came to me later to tell me I was to stay away from my older brother and that he was clearly “sick” and something would have to be done with him. I look back now on that day and cry only for him. Whatever had happened to me could not have compared to what she had done to him.

Several decades later, I have drawn the conclusion that my mother suffered from borderline personality disorder. She is yet undiagnosed. I have become an apt student of everything related to those with borderline personality, and I try to share what I have learned where it is appropriate to do so. One of the defining characteristics she would manifest regularly was the projection of shame and revulsion regarding anything remotely sexual. I have pieced together a few loose theories on why this is, but not enough to really write about. As traumatic as the sexual abuse eventually became for me, it paled in comparison to what she did to both of us as a result of the discovery.

The “All-Good Child”
This event touched off a campaign of hers to emotionally destroy my older brother. He was painted black with an indelible ink that would never wash away. He was the “all-bad child” for the rest his childhood. I was elevated to the status of the all-good child. It was never that simple, and if we could have gotten together to figure it out, maybe we could have defeated her emotional polarization of our characters. But then again, we probably never stood a chance. A side effect of my mother’s “splitting” was that my brother started sneaking back into my room at nights to continue the sexual advances. This continued for two more years before I got strong enough to resist him and smart enough to keep a buck knife under my mattress. One night I put the blade to his face and made my unwillingness to participate clear. He never bothered me again.

When I turned 15, I met my first girlfriend. She was a visitor at my church, a guest of a single mother and her daughter. One Sunday after the church service had ended, my mother walked up to my girlfriend and me, grabbed us both by the shoulders, and pushed us roughly off to the side of the sanctuary and into an office cubicle. She brought in my girlfriend’s host mother and our pastor, and called her little meeting to order. She began by telling everyone there about my sexual abuse in graphic detail. I had never told a soul what had happened to me those years past, and she just trotted it out like a juicy rumor. When she had finished humiliating me, she moved on to my girlfriend, who had apparently been molested by one of her mother’s boyfriends a few years earlier. Until this point, my girlfriend knew nothing of my abuse, and I had known nothing of hers.

My mother’s apparent goal was to get it all out into the open as to prevent our involvement that she saw ending in debauchery, depravity, and most likely shameful pregnancy. My girlfriend broke up with me over the phone a week later. I couldn’t blame her. My mother in full witch mode was a soul-chilling experience.

Fear into Obedience
I spent the rest of my time before leaving for college trying to please my mother, mostly out of fear. It would take some time away and separation from her to be able to look back and think critically about the time before I realized the truth about her. She reacted to anything remotely sexual with hysteria every time. Even things that were barely risqué resulted in meltdowns for her. A movie with a sex scene (no matter how PG), led her to fits of anger and projected shame. I would do anything in my power each time to escape her presence or distract her with whatever I could. Her shame, unchecked, always seemed to focus on her poor son, or worse, on the older brother who would be forever painted black.

I became a master at reading her moods and deflecting or distracting her scrutiny. My style of survival clashed with that of my brother. Where I chose capitulation, he opted for open rebellion. My great regret from all of this conflict was ever siding with her to spare myself. I’ve since been told that doing this to survive was nothing I should feel ashamed of, but I’ll bet my older brother suffered greatly as a result. I haven’t ever been able to talk to my brother about any of this, but I hope that one day we might try.

I suspect that when our mother passes away, there might be a window of time where we can find a common fraternal safe haven to talk candidly about our horrid upbringing. This is probably wishful thinking, as he has presented a lot of the hallmark traits of a narcissistic personality disorder. I have kept my distance from him for the last few decades. My younger brother was mostly shielded from our mother’s emotional abuse, and I see him once every few months. Since I have suspected my mother’s borderline personality, I have shared a little here and there with him, but for the most part we don’t talk about our childhood. I can’t help but feel that this is building to a conclusion of some sort. Her instability has gotten much worse in the last few years, and her alcohol abuse worsens as well. My father’s enabling has allowed her to continue on unchecked in her madness, but she has turned on him as well.

Healing from Shame
Coming to terms with my childhood has only come about since I sought out a therapist. I actually found her using Goodtherapy.org’s therapist finder application. I have been working with her for almost a year now, and have made a lot of discoveries, both good and bad. I write a blog of my own to make sense of what I was forced to be and what I am trying to become, but this particular story doesn’t want to fit in there anywhere. It’s too rough, too raw, too painful. While I have banished my mother from my life, her ghost still comes to call from time to time.

I write this now as a cleansing ritual to scrub her influence from my mind and spirit. I have reclaimed my life. Memories of pain like these ones have no place in my future except as footnotes. I hope that in sharing this story I can share the hope that comes from deep within me — the hope that we can heal ourselves from anything we’ve had to endure. The transmutation of shame into healing is the greatest magic I have ever seen, and it brought me to tears to see it for the first time in my own life. My greatest wish is to find a way to show this magic to anyone else who has ever needed it.

I was talking recently with a friend about surviving the “terrible twos” and she made a joking comment about how she couldn’t wait to do it again in the teen years. That got me thinking about the parallels between those two phases of life and how we react to them in similar ways.

In part, the “terribles” are a social construct. We are primed to expect as parents that those will be the most difficult stages of our parenting. Popular culture proliferates this idea through television shows and movies. Parents share “war stories” of toddlers and teens acting out. That said, there is some truth to the hype. In both phases, kids seem to challenge authority, push limits, and demand control and privacy. Frustration tolerance (for both kids and parents) is low. Relationships can get strained. Parents may feel pushed away. I’ve heard parents refer to both stages of life as a time when some alien creature seemed to come in and take the place of a previously loving, cooperative child.

What we don’t really hear a lot about is the important function that those phases serve in our children’s development.

For both the twos and the teens, the testing of limits, challenging authority, and trying to establish control all serve important developmental functions. Psychologist Erik Erikson, in his eight-stage model of development, identified specific tasks we navigate as we grow and develop. He suggested that successfully mastering the skills in each stage leads to healthy growth and development, whereas not doing so leads to issues that could impede healthy development.

According to Erikson, toddlers around age 2 are tasked with developing independence and a sense of control over their bodies. Potty training is an important piece of this puzzle, as is learning to control elements in their environment. If the 2- to 3-year-old is able to develop a sense of his or her ability to regulate his or her body, to do things for himself/herself, and to feel confident in his or her ability to do both of those, he/she develops a healthy sense of autonomy. If the child is not able to, shame and doubt in himself/herself and his or her abilities may result. So, when that previously loving, snugly, even-tempered little one starts refusing to comply with basic requests, when there is a major meltdown of nuclear proportions due to Mom or Dad putting the sock on the wrong foot first, these are actually signs that your child is exactly where he or she needs to be.

For teens, the task is to develop a strong sense of individual identity. Teens are trying to figure out who they are and what their place in the world, independent of others, should be. Establishing an identity for most teens means defining what they are not. Usually, that includes establishing beyond a shadow of a doubt that they are not their parents.

Sometimes the only way for them to declare that they are their own selves is to pull away from their parents. They may challenge expectations and rules. It’s not unusual to see a teen reject an activity or a goal because he or she fears that it was what the parents wanted for him or her, not what he or she wanted. The drive to figure out who he or she is, what he or she wants, what he or she believes, and what matters to him or her are all important elements of this stage. Usually, this means challenging conventions, testing out different identities until he or she finds one that fits, and pushing against authority as he or she seeks independence. It can lead to withdrawal, mood swings, and parents not being sure which child is going to show up at the table for dinner.

These stages are important. These stages are hard—for both parents and kids. The distancing that can be necessary for independence and autonomy to develop can be really painful. We, and they, feel the loss keenly. The undercurrents of our conflicts usually contain the messages “I want my child back” for parents or “I’m feeling alone and scared” for kids. The behaviors might manifest differently (a toddler tantrum is very different than a teen tantrum), but our role as parents is the same.

Just when our kids are pushing us away the hardest is when it is most important for us to reassure them that we aren’t going anywhere. We need to give them space to explore, but not withdraw from them. They can push and yell and pout and cry and withdraw—but if we can be constants for them, if our parental love can be consistent, stable, and unconditional, we help them have the confidence to navigate these important tasks, and we help ensure that they will find their way back to us eventually.

How do we do this? One way is by allowing them more choices (though choices we can live with) and helping our kids accept the consequences of those choices. This can be as basic as letting the toddler choose which pants to wear (as opposed to whether to wear pants at all), or the teen to choose when to do homework (as opposed to not doing it at all). We give them increasing autonomy over choices in their world that are age appropriate, that are not likely to have dire consequences, and that give them a sense of having some control over their own lives.

The second task for us is to avoid judging their choices. Sometimes they have to learn the hard way. The teen who chooses to do homework late at night, falls asleep, and doesn’t finish does not need to be scolded for choosing poorly. Instead, we can ask how that worked for him or her, if there’s anything he or she wants to change, and how we can help. That keeps an open dialogue, conveys that we respect his or her ability to make good choices, and can reduce defensiveness.

It isn’t easy. Often, we’re feeling hurt and scared and helpless too. It helps to remember, though, that it isn’t about us. We aren’t terrible, mean parents because we made him or her wear shoes on the correct feet or held him or her to a curfew. The challenge is to hold boundaries with a firm but loving hand and not react to the testing of those boundaries with fear, anger, frustration, or sadness. If we respond to our children with consistency, patience, warmth, and compassion as they work through these stages, we might find that the twos and the teens aren’t so terrible after all.

“I hate you!”

“You’re the worst parent who ever existed!”

“I can’t wait to move out!”

If you have recently heard these words (usually screamed at full volume, followed by the loud slamming of a bedroom door), you may be the parent of a teenager.

Only those of us with halos and wings are consistently able to respond to such statements with perfect compassion and sweetness: “I love you, honey, and I’ll be right here for you whenever you need me!” Parents are human beings, and as such we have a limited set of emotional reserves and resources, which can quickly become taxed by a raging or withdrawn teen.

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In fact, although you love your child as much as ever, you may be struggling with feelings of intense hurt, anger, dislike, distrust, grief, anxiety, and loneliness. You may feel that although you love your teenager, you just don’t like him or her very much right now. It may feel at times that your teenager has his or her finger on every one of your buttons, and is pushing them … all at once!

What can you do when the very child you love and worry over appears to hate and reject you as a parent?

Teens are known for their emotional volatility. Unfortunately, when parents become as overwhelmed by negative emotions as their teens are, they are no longer in a strong position to be stable, loving, or helpful to the teen. In fact, the parents’ hurt and anger can easily add fuel to the fire and bring about a downward spiral that both parents and teens feel helpless to stop.

To say teenagers value their friends and social life is an obvious understatement.  However, to family members around that teenager, it can seem as if by “choosing” to value their friends, the teen is showing the family that they no longer matter. Indeed, as illustrated by the quotes above, the average teenager may even say as much in the midst of an angry, hormone-fueled argument.

The traditional task of adolescence is to move away from exclusive identification with family and to explore the greater world outside of the home. Separation of the child from the parents is absolutely necessary and healthy at this stage. However, that separation must be counterbalanced by the availability of the parent to continue to meet the adolescent’s needs. Therefore, this is an extremely frustrating time for many parents.  They feel as if the teen is pushing the parent away, only to pull the parent back whenever he or she “wants something from me.”

In order for the adolescent to explore the larger world in a healthy way, the home and family must be a sort of “home base.” This means the teenager needs to experience his or her family as stable, its identity as stable, its love and acceptance as unconditional, and its boundaries as safe and secure.

Understand that by focusing on his or her peers, your teenager is not rejecting you. Instead, the teenager is simply transitioning through an intense period of changes. The teen needs the family life to remain solid and secure, so that he or she can return to it for comfort and healing when the peer world becomes too intense or overwhelming.

Teenagers may often resemble adults physically, but socially as well as cognitively, they still resemble children much more than adults. We now know that the human brain does not fully mature until the mid- to late twenties. Executive functions such as prioritizing, consequential thinking, and evaluating options are still coming online. Furthermore, teenagers do not have the life experience, confidence, or savvy to navigate the complicated demands of life as adults do.

Because of these factors, it can be useful for parents to see past the bravado and the occasional glimpses of maturity that their adolescent displays; to understand that, inside, there still exists the child who has needs he or she does not have words to express, who cannot meet those needs independently of the parent.

The family itself is also moving through a transition period. They must move into a new life stage, with new roles for each family member. It can be difficult to feel entirely ready for these changes. Many parents of teenagers experience this time as a loss: the loss of the innocent and impressionable child they once knew and enjoyed; the loss of the role of all-knowing nurturer and protector.

Parents often report that they feel that “time is running out.” When your 5-year-old threw a temper tantrum, you knew as a parent that you still had “endless” years in which to heal relationships and correct behavior. When your child is 15, you understand that the years are not endless and that damage done to the relationship now may persist into your child’s adulthood.

Because the family is a “safe launching pad” for their forays into the larger world, teenagers move into and out of their family, and not always on the parents’ timeline. Your teen may refuse to join you for dinner, hiding out in his or her room; he or she may seem to eat, sleep, and shower with iPod headphones on. He or she may argue endlessly over attending important family functions such as weddings or funerals. And, just when you think the teen has disowned the family forever, there he or she is, curling up next to you to watch a movie or opening up from the passenger seat on a long drive.

Recognize your teenager’s attempts to reach out to you for what they are: The teen is looking for reassurance from you that he or she is still a part of the family; he or she wants to know that no matter what he or she screamed at you last week, you still love him or her. The teen needs to feel certain that if the “real world” becomes too scary, he or she still has a safe place to return. In order to practice being an adult, your teen needs to periodically return to being a child—and this will happen when you least expect.

Nobody said being the parent of a teenager is always easy, fun, or fair. As the adult in the relationship, it is you who holds the responsibility. It is you whose role, although different, is still most important in these last years of your child’s development. It is you who must keep the gates of the family open for your teen when he or she needs to reenter them.

Once you can view your teen’s behavior from this developmental context, you can depersonalize it. It is no longer about your teen’s rejection or manipulation; it’s an understandable and necessary stage in his or her journey to reaching his or her own, full potential as a young adult. It becomes easier and more natural to meet the ebbs and flows of your teen’s changing needs. Even when, sometimes, the need is for separation from the parent.

When counseling parents and their children, I often refer to the “love languages”—an idea coined by Dr. Gary Chapman, a relationship counselor most well known for the Love Languages series of books.

People express their love in a variety of ways, and what is important to one person may not be as much to another. If someone’s top languages are not being met, it can lead to negative feelings and behaviors.

The five love languages are as follows:

1. Physical touch
2. Words of affirmation
3. Quality time
4. Gift giving
5. Acts of service

While you may have heard of the love languages, you may not have applied them to the parent-child relationship. It’s telling kids “I love you” in a language they respond to. Saying the words often isn’t enough. Parents often assume their kids know they are loved, but that’s not always the case.

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Love should be unconditional, but is often displayed conditionally (such as when kids are good). Unconditional love can prevent problems such as resentment, feelings of guilt, fear, anger, low self-esteem, and insecurity. Children need to feel loved; if they don’t, they may seek approval elsewhere.

Now let’s talk about how to incorporate these into your daily lives:

1. Some ways to incorporate physical touch include hugging, kissing, child sitting on lap, cuddling during stories, television, or movies, tossing in the air, gentle touches on legs, arms, head, shoulders, etc., back scratches, high-fives and contact sports.

As kids get older, parents may touch only when necessary, like when helping with clothes or hair. Kids will crave more contact when sick, hurt, tired, or sad. Teenagers, especially boys, will pull back from physical touch. Make sure the touch is positive and at the right time and place. Don’t embarrass!

Conversely, a negative touch coming from a place of anger can be detrimental.

2. Words of affirmation are ways to give praise and encouragement for what the child does. Since a child’s behavior is something he or she controls, there is a direct effect.

Be genuine when giving praise. Praising too frequently may have little positive effect, as it can come across as insincere. This can set up an expectation for praise, and create anxiety when it is absent. The way you word praise and your voice tone and volume make a big difference. Words of guidance will be sought elsewhere—from school, TV, peers, or other adults—if not received from parents.

Although it may seem obvious, words of negativity really hurt, and the greatest enemy of encouragement is anger.

Make sure to say “I love you” on its own, not with qualifiers such as “but …” or “will you …” attached.

3. Spend quality time with your child. Kids really seem to crave this, especially any one-on-one time. This love language is fairly self-explanatory. It can be going somewhere or just hanging out. Think of those moments when you’re sharing thoughts and feelings, having good, quality conversations. Mealtime, going for walks, story time, or bedtime can be good opportunities.

4. Giving gifts can be one that parents roll their eyes at. Of course kids like gifts! However, it is more about the thought behind it. In a child’s mind: “You were thinking of me and got it, since I’m important.” Other languages need to be combined with gift giving. It is not a paycheck or bribe, nor should it be a substitute for time spent. As with praise, excess gifts lose their meaning. You can tell gift giving is important if kids express excitement when receiving a gift or based on how it is presented, or display it proudly.

5. Acts of service is a big part of being a parent, as the list of tasks, errands, and to-do list items never seems to end. Acts of service refers to going above and beyond making sure kids’ needs are met. This could include offering to help with something before they ask, or at least not saying “in a minute” when they do. Encouraging a hobby, checking homework, hosting events for the kids at home, or doing things to make an illness more bearable are other examples.

To discover someone’s primary language, note the following:

1. Observe how they express love to you.
2. Observe how they express love to others.
3. Listen to what they request most often.
4. Notice what they complain about the most.
5. Give them choices between two options.

You need to show love in all five ways, but try to discover the person’s primary language (or top two or three). When the person is under 5 years old, try to hit all five languages.

I was convinced that Joe Smith—not his real name, of course—wrote his letter V’s wrong in the second grade, and I thought it helpful to inform him of such. After all, he needed all the help he could get, and I thought, as a precocious 7-year-old girl, I had a monopoly on how to craft the most beautiful V on paper—how clueless could Joe be, after all?

Much has been written in recent times about how learning styles are different, neurologically, between girls and boys. As a mother of two boys, this subject matter has come to the forefront in my own household and, in fact, smacked me in the face on occasion (metaphorically speaking). Eons past, I recall being able to sit (with ease and no second thought), criss-cross-apple-sauce, and keep my hands to myself during circle time. What was the problem with these darned, squirrely boys who just couldn’t sit still and wiggled and squirmed, waiting with bated breath for recess?

Well, fast-forward 35 years and enter my life as a mother of two boys. What a wake-up call it’s been! What an honor, privilege, and learning process it has been, and continues to be, to nurture, guide, and educate my precious boys. I am so sorry to Joe Smith and for my judgment of his V’s! Humor me with the following, if you are reading this, dear Joe.

Our culture at large needs to do more to support boys and their unique hardwiring in educational settings. Although my sons have the advantage of great teachers and a nationally respected school district, the structure of our educational system does not favor boys’ unique learning styles. For those with financial and geographical barriers to accessing educational support services (tutoring, etc.), the circumstances are much more grim. We, as a nation, are failing our young men in the area of educational support. And we need to change that.

Studies utilizing PET scans and MRIs show that boys learn very differently than girls. One of the pioneers studying gender learning-style differences, Michael Gurian, reports several key factors differentiating girl/boy learning:

• Boys show more areas in the brain dedicated to spatial-mechanical strengths, whereas girls generally demonstrate a focus on verbal-emotive processing.
• Girls are generally hardwired to be less impulsive, enabling them to sit still, focus, read, and write at an earlier age than boys.
• Boys are often misdiagnosed with learning disabilities and attention-deficit issues when educators are not aware of the delicate neurology of the male developing brain.
• Boys’ brains need more rest times during a day of learning. When bored, boys tend to “zone out” more than girls and require rest periods before reengaging in learning.
• Boys are hardwired to be single-task focused, whereas girls’ hardwiring demonstrates strength in multitasking. Transitions are more difficult for boys due to this lateralization of the brain versus typical female cross-communication of brain hemispheres.
• Less oxytocin in the brain of males leads to more aggression and playful rough-housing. Girls, on the other hand, are more predisposed to cooperative negotiation, have a much easier time with impulse control, and can sit “criss-cross-apple-sauce” in the reading circle with ease. Many boys have a difficult time sitting still to hear the teacher’s story, as they are movement-driven (kinesthetic) in their learning process (research and findings cited from Gurian, 2006).

It is no surprise that in one study by Gurian (2005), 75% of students in a special education classroom were boys. The vast majority of special education student populations are, in fact, boys. This finding is curious in that it highlights the following: Boys are diagnosed with learning disabilities at a much higher rate than girls due to possibly 1) educational settings that do not support boy-friendly learning environments, 2) boys’ neurochemistry is different and more vulnerable than that of girls, thus indicating the need for adequate educational support for both boys’ and girls’ learning styles, and 3) evidence of hyperactive behavior is more prevalent in boys, thus, perhaps, a bias more toward referral to special education for boys (Hallahan and Kauffman, 2003).

Taking into consideration the many variables that affect learning style, including culture, family environment, resilience, and temperament as it relates to motivation, genetics, and uterine environment during gestation, among other factors, researchers recommend the following tips for ensuring a boy-friendly educational environment:

1. Boys are energized and motivated by movement. Teaching styles that encourage the experiential/kinesthetic learning modality support boys’ natural biochemistry, helping them to stay engaged and focused. My son’s magnificent teacher sings with her class and plays guitar; she discovers earthworms and creates ice castles with her students. She is amazing. I only wish all boys could have Mrs. Overstreet as their teacher.
2. Spatial-visual tools (pictures/graphics) assist with boys’ neurological needs in achieving literacy. Storyboards depicting images a boy is imagining can assist with translating story into words.
3. “Boys do their best work when teachers establish authentic purpose and meaningful, real-life connections.” (Gurian, 2006). Topics of learning particularly interesting to boys include ideas they can directly apply to their lives (science projects involving the germination of a seed, etc.).
4. Single-gender groupings for projects can be beneficial. Girls tend to verbalize during problem solving via cooperation and interactive learning. Boys are single-task driven neurologically, and enjoy a gentle banter that may include a camaraderie of innocuous, aggressive male bonding in the form of sarcastic (but innocent) put-downs and/or rough-housing (kinesthetic bonding not unlike playing football or karate).
5. Allow boys to choose topics in reading that appeal to them (superheroes, nonfiction works, etc.).
6. Ensure the presence of positive male role models (teachers, parents, extended family, tutors, community leaders, etc.) who emphasize the importance of education.
7. Parental assistance with homework accountability. Help your son stay organized by overseeing weekly assignments and highlighting the importance of a designated homework time after allowing for kinesthetic movement and discharging of school-day stresses.

The above suggestions are by no means exhaustive but are applicable in educational settings, meriting further consideration to support boys in their journey toward self-confidence, purpose, and authentic contribution to society.

As a mother of two boys, I am both honored and obligated to ensure that my sons have the most appropriate supports to guide and engage them in their formal education. Much change is needed to help our future generations of boys to emerge from grades K-12 with confidence as they follow their dreams into adulthood.

For more on boys’ learning styles, please see:

1. Gurian, M. & Stevens, K. (2005). The Minds of Boys: Saving Our Sons from Falling Behind in School and Life. San Francisco: Jossey-Bass.
2. Gurian, M. (2006). The Wonder of Boys. New York: Tarcher-Putnam.
3. James, Abigail Norfleet (2007).Teaching the Male Brain: How Boys Think, Feel, and Learn in School.

It is not unusual for someone who experiences a loss to romanticize the person, identity, or object they are grieving. This can occur even when what is lost was not just imperfect, but harmful. This tendency occurs more often and can be more harmful with folks who experienced depression, anxiety, or other mental health issues prior to the loss.

Myths can be helpful in meeting the obligation of respect and mourning we may feel toward the person. They can push us to broaden our memory of the person who died or the relationship we had beyond just the negative event to more positive or helpful content. They can influence the “story” of what was lost in a way that makes thoughts and emotions associated with the loss more tolerable to access and communicate individually and within our support systems.

It is natural to go back in time and reevaluate our perceptions of events and the decisions made during that time. Those who struggle with depression or anxiety already have a distorted view of reality that usually presents a world that’s unsafe or themselves as incapable. Both of these factors can set the stage for harmful myths.

Beliefs that drive guilt, regret, and failure are usually present and, when applied to the loss of a relationship, can set the stage for a rewrite on reality. These factors can result in a person deriving a meaning or value from what was lost that is heightened and, in his or her mind, exposes an inability and unworthiness in obtaining and holding onto the things people deserve to pursue. Even if the person holds some, or the majority of, responsibility in the loss, what was lost was probably imperfect and the behaviors that led to the loss are changeable. We’re human, and life is usually a trial-and-error thing.

Myths can also amplify the lack of purpose one feels after losing a job, becoming hospitalized, or losing a relationship. This is particularly true if the loss involved something the person felt defined them: “This is who I was, and now that it’s gone, where does that leave me?” Myths can hold us to the belief that purpose is unchangeable and who we were before the loss was the best we could have been.

In reality, there may have been significant problems and costs to the identity that we were not attentive to; these costs may have been a factor in causing the loss. Myths hold us back from an honest analysis of what led us to “the problem,” which in turn, prevents us from changing our behaviors or priorities in a way that works for us now. Myths can make us risk-averse, because if it can’t be the same, what’s the point? The answer is that “it” being different may be what we need, and the loss could be used as a wake-up call. In holding onto myths, we may reenact patterns and behaviors that are maladaptive.

When the loss involves a person who was both a family member and a perpetrator, myths can act as an obstacle to accessing traumatic content. Survivors of childhood abuse utilize several strategies to survive their environments and maintain a positive view of those they love because of the meaning that relationship may have in their minds (“she is my mother; I’m supposed to love her”). From their perspective, pushing for change may have a greater cost than living with it. This capacity or inclination can prevent survivors from feeling as if they have permission to think about the person they lost in a negative light. These are common issues for any trauma survivor, but holding on to the myth after a loss may make the work in acknowledging and processing the trauma that much harder.

Within a familial context, myths can create a perceived demand for adherence to a “story” that may feel objectionable to some within the family. Trauma survivors can feel uncomfortable in processing the loss authentically with those they may feel closest to for fear of making waves or hurting them.

Grounding ourselves in fact can go a long way in helping us cope with a loss. Being factual means focusing on what we know, not what we believe, so that we can derive a reasonable meaning from the loss experience. It allows us to acknowledge and mourn the good while identifying what was harmful so that the work of adaptive grieving and behavior change can move forward.

One important aspect of remaining factual is communicating the emotional and cognitive content we hold to another person we trust. This allows us to expose any distorted beliefs or thinking to another person’s logic and perception. This is important because it creates an external brace against unreasonable thinking. By not allowing exposure, the only thing left to challenge the distorted narrative is the source of it.

Family, friends, and other natural supports (priests, rabbis, the lady who does your nails) are usually the best options if safety is not an issue because they represent long-term, sustainable resources you can access anytime. If safety is an issue or you are experiencing symptoms that go beyond a normal grief reaction, seeking professional help (therapists, psychiatrists, medical doctor) can provide more intensive support and a greater assurance of confidentiality.

I watch Lifetime movies. Yes, I help people get their lives back on the “straight and narrow” and be healthier with themselves, their emotions, and their relationships, but I still like to indulge Lifetime movies. That feels good to write!

The Pregnancy Pact is about girls who become pregnant. The issue makes the news, and a reporter tries to not just get the story but to also increase awareness about teen pregnancy. I recommend checking out Lifetime for the rest of the story.

The issue that I want to present today is parents’ responsibility to speak with their children about safe sex—abstinence, using condoms (if they do decide to have sex), and sexual health—and not just leave it to the schools.

It can be a scary thing to talk to your children about sex, but the reality is that they are going to ask because they are curious about their bodies and what they see on television. They don’t want to know that they shouldn’t have sex; they want to know why they should not have sex at a particular age. As a parent, it is part of your job to teach your kids about sexual health. I believe you get the picture.

There is a lot to think about, and no parent is ever truly “ready” to talk with a child about the “birds and the bees,” but again, it’s a necessity—and your child may, in fact, ask you. Of course, they will go to their friends, but they’ll come away with a lot of misinformation. You will give them the facts and help them make a healthy, well-informed decision. Yes, the child may still go out and have sex, but when he or she is informed with the pros/cons, the facts, etc., he or she can make a wiser choice.

When to Start
It’s best to start at a young age. My son will be 2 years old next month. At bath time, I show him how to clean himself, and he does a pretty good job. The other day, we had a conversation about him and Daddy having a penis, but not Mommy. That was it. I also said that only Mommy, Daddy, and a doctor would be able to see it, if needed. In the bath, we talk briefly about making sure our bodies are clean head to toe, and that’s one way to take care of our bodies.

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If your child is older, it might be good to ask what he or she knows about taking care of his or her body. This is part of sexual health, self-respect, and beginning to set healthy boundaries. Our bodies are important, and we need to keep them as healthy as possible.

What to Share
If the child is older, ask what he or she knows first, or what kids are talking about at school. Ask if peers are talking about who’s having sex, if there’s pressure, etc. This will help in pointing you in the best direction to help your child. Of course, if your child is in a sex-education class, and you have waited that long, use it to open up the discussion.

Be calm. Listen to what your child is saying. Observe how he/she is responding to your questions, the looks on his or her face. You need to know what he or she knows and what you will need to correct it, if the information is wrong. Try to limit your responses so that your child does not give you the glazed look on his or her face when you have said way too much or he or she is not interested anymore.

Share Your Beliefs
I grew up in church and was raised to not have sex before marriage. I grew up knowing what the Bible says about premarital sex, what my parents expected of me, and these things helped me develop my beliefs and standards about who I give my body to (or not). It also taught me to keep my kisses for people who are going to respect me and not just what I can give them.

That is definitely an important aspect of sexual health: teaching your child that his or her virginity is important, and whom they choose to have sex with may either take it or nurture it. Kids need to know that when they have sex, they need to make sure that the person receiving their virginity will protect it, respect it, and not take advantage of it.

I am not trying to stand on a soap box or anything like that, but the reality is that kids are having sex—a lot more than statistics will probably show, and sex is not to be used for random wants. Oral sex is often not perceived as “sex,” but it still involves the giving of oneself. There are feelings involved, even with a one-night stand. Whether you go to church or not, you have your own morality about sex, and all parents want their children to make healthier decisions than they did.

How Each Parent Can Help

• Dads: You can help demonstrate to your sons and daughters about how a girl/woman should be treated. You can share how you would like your daughter to be treated by how you treat your wife. Again, not on a soap box, but our children learn from us—verbal communication and nonverbal. You can share with your daughter the lines that boys may say to get into her pants: “If you love me …” “I love you.” “We can go slow.” And so on. You can also help your daughter to be confident in herself; treat her with respect. Tell her how much she means to you, and what type of guy you would like her to find. You can also help your boys to show respect to women—more than just opening doors for them, but demonstrating respect in speaking to them, etc. You are as valuable as your spouse, and you can give insight regarding men because you are one!
• Moms: You can help demonstrate to your sons and daughters how to treat a man. You can share with your sons what girls are like, how they can be, what type of girl they should be with, how to help with communication, how self-respect is important, and how to set healthy personal boundaries.

There are many more points that can be discussed on this particular topic. I wanted to highlight that it is the parents’ job to help teach children about sexual health, potential diseases, and all that encompasses choosing to have sex. Sex-education classes alone may not be enough.

As a parent, you are very important in your child’s life, even if he or she is not going to admit that. Keep the discussion about sex open with your child. Keep listening. Give the facts. Be there.

A few months ago, I wrote a piece about “good enough” parenting that seemed to strike a chord for many readers. Some challenged the idea that “good enough” could lead to complacency and short-change our children, but most expressed an appreciation for the self-acceptance inherent in that model. This month, at the risk of stirring up even more debate, I want to talk again about an approach to parenting.

After the birth of my son, I realized that if I ever wanted to take a shower again, I was going to have to let him cry it out for a time. This was very hard, but it was an important first step in my parenting journey that led me to embrace the art of benign neglect. It soon became clear to me that I would not physically be able to attend to my child’s every need every moment of the day. He would have to wait sometimes. He would have to entertain himself sometimes. He would have to delay gratification. This wasn’t a conscious parenting choice; it was just our reality. As it turns out, it was a pretty good thing.

Once my post-childbirth head started to clear, I remembered some words of wisdom from one of my favorite grad school professors. She opened the year by making the bold statement, “Our kids don’t suffer enough. They should suffer more. Thank you.” This was my introduction to the woman who led courses in achievement motivation and social and moral development. I was struck, even intrigued, by her words. As I followed her courses, I began to get what she meant. It was not, however, until I became a parent that I truly understood the implications, and challenges, of this concept.

What my professor was talking about was not abject, crushing, demoralizing suffering, but a more tempered form of discomfort and struggle. She was not advocating throwing our kids into the deep end of life and letting them sink or swim. What she was talking about was allowing them to face adversity while they still had a safety net, letting them stumble over little obstacles as practice runs at life’s larger challenges. Noted psychologist Lev Vygotsky talked about the concept of scaffolding—a way of providing appropriate support to children to allow them to stretch beyond their current abilities. As parents practicing the art of benign neglect, that’s what we try to do. If we do everything for our kids, if we smooth out every bump in the road, if we do everything in our power to remove pain, challenge, and discomfort from their young lives, we deny them the opportunity to learn, to grow, and to develop the coping skills they will need as they become independent adults.

When I think about the skills I want my son to develop, I want him to be secure. I want him to be confident in his own abilities. I want him to struggle through things, work them out on his own, ask for help when needed, and bounce back when things go wrong. I want him to be determined and resilient. In order to do all of this, sometimes I need to do nothing. I need to give him the chance to fail. I need to let him fall down, but be there to pick him up. This is what separates benign neglect from just plain neglect. I need to know where he is. I need to know what he is doing. I need to know that I’ve put the sharp knives out of his reach. It means, though, that sometimes I need to not intervene even when I so very much want to.

I see this in action when we are on play dates with friends. No parent wants his or her child to be pushing other kids or to be the kid being pushed around. Those practiced in the art of benign neglect will watch to see how events unfold. Do the kids sort themselves out when they scuffle? Are things escalating? Is anyone in danger of getting seriously hurt? Most of the time, the kids work things out on their own, learning valuable lessons and negotiation skills in the process. Sometimes, adult intervention just makes things worse. Other times, adult intervention is exactly what is needed to prevent full-scale descent into a Lord of the Flies scenario. When well-intentioned parents are ever-present, however, and intervene at the first hint of discord, our kids don’t get to learn how to work things out.

For the parents who are worried that if we don’t intervene our kids will learn poor strategies, hold those concerns for just a moment. Just because we do not intervene doesn’t mean we lose the teachable moment. Sometimes, our kids are more open to learning after an event rather than in the heat of the action. We can talk with them about their interactions. We can hear how they felt about it. We can talk about the consequences of the choices they made. We can teach them new strategies that they can try out next time. We can share wisdom and perspective, talk about our values and the way we want them to treat others, and we can encourage their independent growth. We can encourage them to think about why what they say and do is important, not because “we said so,” but for reasons that feel real to them. In short, we become resources for them and partners in their learning.

Practicing benign neglect as a parent is not about abdicating responsibility, ignoring limits, or letting go of all boundaries. On the contrary. It is about creating clear limits and boundaries, which all children need, yet allowing for enough freedom within those limits for true learning to occur. It is about watching and waiting and being intentional in the ways we intervene. It’s about allowing our children to feel some discomfort, letting them struggle, and helping them work through it. It is about loving them enough to let them experience the world in a way that lets them grow and learn, even when, with every fiber of our being, we want to shield and protect them from the bumps and bruises they will get along the way.

Children learn an enormous amount from their caregivers and parents. They learn through direct contact how to communicate, interact, and perform daily activities. They learn through exposure how to react and emotionally respond to situations. And whether parents are fully aware of this or not, a child’s behavior is in part the result of their parents’ response to it. According to a recent study led by Diana Morelen of the Department of Psychology at the University of Georgia, children and parents have a reciprocal emotional relationship. In other words, the way in which a parent responds to a child’s emotional reaction directly influences the way in which a child emotionally reacts.

The primary aim of Morelen’s study was to determine how reciprocal the child-parent emotional relationship was. Using a sample of 54 participants made up of fathers, mothers, and pre-adolescent children, Morelen examined how supportive emotional parenting (SEP) affected emotion regulation when compared to unsupportive emotional parenting (UEP). Specifically, Morelen wanted to know if SEP increased adaptive emotion regulation (AER) in children and if UEP increased maladaptive emotion regulation (MER). She then wanted to find out if these relationships were bidirectional. Morelen assessed the parents and children as they talked about four different emotions, anxiety, sadness, anger, and happiness.

She discovered that the way in which parents responded to their children’s emotions directly impacted the way in which children emotionally reacted. Morelen’s theory of reciprocity was confirmed when she found that SEP led to AER and AER led to SEP in all four of the discussion conditions. Also, MER predicted more UEP than SEP for fathers and mothers when discussing anger. However, when discussing the more vulnerable emotional states of sadness, mothers responded with SEP more than fathers when children exhibited MER. This finding could be partially explained by the male ideal of power and strength. This, in turn, may lead fathers to identify emotional vulnerability as a weakness. However, Morelen believes this is concerning because there is an abundant amount of research linking UEP to feelings of shame and inadequacy and patterns of emotional suppression, all of which can increase the risk for psychological impairment. Because of this, Morelen hopes interventions aimed at addressing family, child, and parent interactions focus on the emotional response of both mothers and fathers. “Programs could highlight the role that child behavior plays in soliciting parental behavior and coach parents on how to be mindful of the potential (positive or negative) influence of child behavior,” said Morelen.

Reference:
Morelen, Diana, and Cynthia Suveg. A real-time analysis of parent-child emotion discussions: The interaction is reciprocal. Journal of Family Psychology 26.6 (2012): 998-1003. Print.