Steve and Rebecca have been together for seven years, married for four, and have one toddler. Since the birth of their child, arguments between Steve and Rebecca have escalated to the point Rebecca’s threats of “I can’t do this anymore!” are met with shrugs. But after their last fight, she left to stay at her parents’ house for the weekend. It was a wake-up call for Steve, who wants to try couples therapy to improve communication and repair their partnership. Rebecca is tired of arguing and is still seriously considering a long-term separation.

Does this fictitious (yet all too real) couple sound like you and your partner? Is one of you leaning out of the relationship, unsure whether it is healthy to stay, while the other is leaning into the relationship and ready to make healthy changes? If so, you’re not alone. It’s not uncommon for couples experiencing the intense flames of conflict or the slow smolder of disconnection to view the future from different angles.

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In times of relationship distress, counseling can be a valuable resource. The question is, what kind? In individual therapy, only one side of the story might be heard, making it difficult to identify a way forward that serves not just one partner but the relationship. Yet this situation also can present a real challenge to even the most experienced couples therapist, particularly in cases where one partner isn’t totally on board with the therapy process. Three popular and well-researched couples therapy models—emotion-focused therapy, imago therapy, and the Gottman Method—are each effective primarily with couples who want to actively work on their relationship and are wholly committed to each other.

Discernment counseling is a chance to slow the decline into disconnection and take a deep look at your options for your relationship.

To help address this complex situation facing couples whom he describes as “mixed-agenda,” Dr. William Doherty envisioned a new type of therapy for couples on the brink of divorce: discernment counseling. Discernment counseling is a chance to slow the decline into disconnection and take a deep look at your options for your relationship. A trained discernment counselor holds hope for both partners—no matter their positions—while a decision about the future of the relationship is reached, whether that decision is to divorce/break up or make one last effort at repair.

Discernment counseling is designed as a short-term counseling process that is focused on making a mutual decision on one of three paths forward. In other words, each of the paths represents a different form of “treatment,” and the discernment counseling sessions represent the conversations to decide which treatment is best for both partners. Here’s a closer look:

Path One: The Status Quo

Path one is to maintain the relationship as it has been. Many couples who enter discernment counseling rule out path one quickly—the status quo has become unsustainable, thus they are seeking help to make a decision that brings change. Sometimes, however, at the end of discernment counseling no clear commitment to leaving or staying has been reached. In these situations, couples can simply default to taking a break from the process and trying again for a decision at some point in the future.

Path Two: Separation or Divorce

Path two is to move toward ending the relationship. Although some path two decisions are not mutual, in that one partner chooses separation or divorce against the wishes of their partner, the goal of a path two decision would be for both partners to feel clear and confident about a decision to part ways. When couples choose separation or divorce, the discernment counselor makes them aware of additional resources, including individual therapists and divorce professionals who can facilitate a healing and fair separation process.

Path Three: Couples Therapy

Path three is to make a six-month commitment to couples therapy in an all-out effort to restore the relationship to health. Separation or divorce are taken off the table during the couples therapy process, and at the end of six months both partners are invited to make another decision about whether to stay or leave. Couples therapy, in turn, is more likely to succeed because both partners are committed to applying themselves fully to the hard work of change.

In the conversations that lead to a choice for the path forward, here’s what discernment counseling offers couples in distress:

• Deepened clarity and confidence about a decision for the future of the marriage or relationship
• Deepened understanding of what has happened to bring the couple to this point, and an understanding of the role each partner has played in problems to date
• A mutually agreed-upon plan of action, should the couple decide to repair the marriage in couples therapy
• Insights about each partner and the relationship that will carry forward into future relationships, should the couple end this one

If discernment counseling seems like a good fit for you and your partner, seek a trained discernment counselor in your area.

I recently worked with someone who had his heart crushed by an individual who led him on for months, asked for his help with various tasks, accepted an invitation to go on an official date, and then ultimately, on the “date,” said she doesn’t date.

Knowing the timeline and details, I had been confident this relationship was headed in a positive direction and wound up feeling disappointed at how it had crumbled to pieces, leaving us both stunned and confused. This happened to somebody who has done so much work in terms of gaining self-confidence and developing interpersonal relationship skills. Having an important relationship dissolve in an instant was devastating.

We processed the experience and the many questions that arose in our next session: Where did he go wrong? Why did she agree to the date in the first place? Did she not date in general or did she just not want to date him? Did her rejection not confirm his feelings of unworthiness?

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As much as we could speculate, analyze the chain of text messages, and try to make sense of what transpired in the relationship, the frustrating truth was there was no logical justification for what happened or why this person treated him the way she did. At least not one he was ever going to be privy to.

He reached out for some clarification, but her responses were arrogant, passive-aggressive, defensive, and left no explanation for how he could have possibly misread her signals. Further, they changed his view of who she was and left it nearly impossible to continue their friendship. He grieved the loss, missing the person he thought she was.

We spent a good amount of time discussing what he should do next. He wanted answers that made sense, but instead he was being ignored. A part of him wanted to contact her, lashing out with his anger, to let her know exactly what he now thought of her. A part of me wanted to support him in doing that. I was appalled by her callousness. I was angry for him.

He wanted closure. At the same time, we both knew it likely wouldn’t accomplish anything. She wouldn’t change, her responses wouldn’t become any more enlightening or helpful, and there was probably no realistic scenario that would lessen his hurt.

The knowledge you were the better or stronger person, or you were mature enough not to burn a bridge, doesn’t feel like much of a win amid the pain and anger. But resisting the temptation to lash out or search for answers you may never get forces you to face the pain head-on.

When this kind of thing happens—when a relationship ends in hurt and anger, when we feel like the rug has been pulled out from under us, or when life doesn’t go the way we were hoping—we want an immediate sense of closure or justification. The desire for closure might be the temporary satisfaction of telling off the person who hurt us, gaining an apology, having the person change their mind, or getting some type of definitive ending that seems clean and makes sense to us.

But the reality is these things generally don’t make us feel better in the long run. Typically, they simply never happen. So the search for closure is often futile and results in wasted energy, more frustration, and a delayed ability to begin healing and moving on.

It takes a lot of strength to be the “bigger person,” to walk away with your head held high, and to resist the urge to give someone who has hurt you a piece of your mind.

The knowledge you were the better or stronger person, that you were mature enough not to burn a bridge, doesn’t feel like much of a win amid the pain and anger. But resisting the temptation to lash out or search for answers you may never get forces you to face the pain head-on. While highly uncomfortable, the sooner you acknowledge and accept the disappointment and hurt, the sooner you can begin to move forward. It may involve coming to terms with the fact sometimes things aren’t logical or fair.

Having the strength to walk away from a negative experience with a sense of grace and your dignity intact will likely help you to feel good about yourself in the long run. With time and some distance, you may discover the experience taught you a valuable lesson or helped you grow in a way only the most challenging of experiences could.

While it’s inevitable that couples experience ups and downs over the course of a long-term relationship, there are times when conflict can reach a critical point and the prospect of a breakup begins to feel more real. Deciding whether to stay or go can be tough. Often, the relationship can feel compromised due to a variety of concerns that have not been adequately addressed. While it can be challenging to identify the real issues and determine the best course of action, doing so may lead to clarity and confidence as you move toward a decision. It can also help you to honor the good in the relationship and amicably move forward in your separate lives.

As a licensed marriage and family therapist, I greatly appreciate the extensive body of research that Dr. John Gottman and his team contributed to the field of couples relationships. When couples enter therapy, I find it helpful to review some of his core findings about relationships in order to provide an overview of the qualities and attributes that will help them to be more effective with each other.

Here are some points to consider if you’ve been feeling conflicted about ending a long-term relationship:

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1. Trust and Commitment

Perhaps there has been a rupture in the relationship and you find yourself wondering whether trust and commitment, two essentials, still exist in your relationship. Sometimes these two areas become so compromised that day-to-day life together starts to feel toxic. When this happens, it’s important to take inventory and understand each other’s perspective about what’s not working.

As a pro-relationship therapist, I believe there is value in working through relationship challenges. In exploring and sharing important feelings, individuals may begin to feel a sense of relief and a feeling of finally being understood—two important components involved in repairing damage and trust ruptures. When each person is able to identify their experience in their relationship, feel heard, and reach a mutual understanding about what needs to shift, couples are often able to move from feeling stuck to feeling more accepted by their partner. This shift in perspective often has a profound impact on a couple’s ability to nurture a more positive atmosphere with each other.

2. Friendship and Curiosity

Do you remember what it was like when you met your partner? Perhaps a thrilling sensation would pulse through your body when you knew you were getting together. You felt alive, curious, and desired at the same time! Everything was new and exciting—even a mundane afternoon together somehow felt like the most interesting day of the year. During the early stages of your relationship, you likely engaged your partner in a way that made them feel special, asking a lot of questions, eager to understand all the complexities that made up their unique way of navigating the world.

It is not uncommon for this level of curiosity to fade over the course of long-term relationships—you get into a routine, you know your person, so why bother asking questions anymore? This type of thinking can be detrimental to your friendship. A solid friendship allows couples to weather the inevitable ups and downs of their intimate relationship and to support each other as individuals separate from their partnership. When we stop being curious about our partner, the relationship may become stagnant.

3. Conflict Management

Do you find that you’re constantly at odds? If you’re able to repair arguments often, conflict might not be cause for concern. Research conducted by Dr. Gottman found that it’s not necessarily conflict or negative contact that is the issue in relationships, but rather that conflict in the absence of positivity and repair is predictive of instability. Gottman notes that when there is a 5-to-1 ratio of positive-to-negative interactions, the relationship is likely to be stable. Positive interactions include not only the obvious but also more subtle gestures, such as a glance in your partner’s direction when they are making a point or a follow-up question to an expressed need. Positive interactions demonstrate that your partner is present and responsive to you and your needs.

A solid friendship allows couples to weather the inevitable ups and downs of their intimate relationship and to support each other as individuals separate from their partnership.

In times of conflict, if you find that you are not able to repair and that any attempts to repair or make light of a situation are met with cold indifference, anger, or hostility, you and your partner may benefit from exploring your experience of each other more in-depth. The ability to repair can include the following: taking some responsibility for what went wrong, accepting your partner’s influence, and demonstrating a willingness to participate in a conversation about what happened and what could be better.

When thinking about resolving conflict in your relationship, how can you nurture an atmosphere of positivity? If it’s typically difficult for you and your partner to make repair attempts, you may need to work on the underlying dynamics that prevent you from being more effective with each other.

4. Solvable vs. Perpetual Problems

In his research, Dr. Gottman emphasizes the importance of understanding the critical difference between relationship problems that are solvable and the ones that will always be there. I find this distinction to be incredibly hopeful. Couples often enter therapy in order to gain the clarity, skills, and confidence necessary to negotiate, on an ongoing basis, the many different points of contention unique to their relationship. In identifying which problems are which (solvable vs. perpetual), couples can begin to more effectively negotiate and compromise. For example, perhaps you have a contentious relationship with your partner’s best friend or an in-law. These situations can pose a big challenge for any couple; however, they are quite common and need to be addressed on an ongoing basis. For perpetual problems, the solution typically involves reaching a compromise.

Although spending time and energy on working through a relationship challenge may sound simple, it can sometimes be complicated due to past hurts or a lack of trust in a particular area, making it quite difficult for many people. If this area has been problematic for you and your partner, you may benefit from couples counseling in order to gain awareness, insight, and the skills necessary to negotiate important topics with greater ease.

5. Honoring Each Other’s Life Dreams

Do you sometimes wonder whether you and your partner want different things in life? You and your partner may have significant differences in your life goals, and that’s okay. The important thing to consider is whether you’re willing to support each other in accomplishing your respective life dreams. In thinking about ambitions, it’s helpful to consider them in categories. For example, what are some of your personal and professional goals?

For some people, it might be easy to define personal and professional life dreams. For others, it might involve more thought and soul-searching. If you are having trouble identifying these areas, start by considering what makes you feel happy, inspired, and joyful. Then think about your partner’s goals. Is your list similar in some ways? Are there significant differences? If so, what do you anticipate might be some of the challenges? Honoring the life dreams of a partner may involve some compromise, so it’s important to consider what you’re willing to compromise and what you’re not. This is an area that is worthy of thoughtful discussion so you can be informed and on the same page about accomplishing your respective goals.

Over the life of any relationship, feeling disappointed and hurt at times is inevitable. And while a breakup is sometimes unavoidable, other times it’s possible to work through difficulties and achieve a closer connection. Whatever the situation, it can be helpful to spend time reflecting on the areas mentioned above to help you determine a thoughtful decision. If you are committed to your partner but are having difficulty engaging in these topics or moving through your unique relationship challenges, you may want to seek couples counseling to help you to improve the quality of your relationship.

Reference:

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. New York, NY: Crown Publishers.

“To spare oneself from grief at all cost can be achieved only at the price of total detachment, which excludes the ability to experience happiness.” —Erich Fromm

We all know breakups are hard. Every one of us has experienced some form of heartache at one point or another, but we all experience and are affected by it in different ways. Why do some of us come out stronger in the end while others end up feeling beaten down and defeated? How can we harness the potential healing power of pain?

Fortunately, with enough will and hard work, this is a skill that can be learned by almost anyone.

Any breakup, even in the shortest-lived of relationships, can hurt like hell. One of the most devastating losses one can face, aside from the loss of a loved one, is the loss of potential—what could have been. The beginnings of any relationship carry with them the seeds of unlimited hope and potential. More often than not when a relationship doesn’t work out, it is not necessarily the person we ache for, but rather the story we created around them: what the person could have brought to our life, the vision we had for ourselves, and how the person fit into that vision.

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Breakup: Where Crisis Meets Opportunity

Like any crisis, a breakup can be an opportunity. In his book You Can Heal Your Heart: Finding Peace After a Breakup, Divorce, or Death, David Kessler describes loss as a window into old wounds. The end of any romantic relationship, be it a 20-year marriage or a three-month fling, can trigger a number of unconscious memories and hurts we thought had long ago healed. Much in the same way a familiar scent can take us back to a long-forgotten time or place, the pain of a breakup can open the deepest of wounds.

This could be just what we need to compel us to take a good look at our patterns and begin to change them. Breakups can be opportunities to reclaim our lives, on our terms, and to change any distorted thinking we may have around love and relationships. For example, metaphorically speaking, do you tend to date the same person over and over again, or do you find yourself dating the parent who loved you the least? Do you tend to idealize your partners? This could be a chance to learn how to see through the initial fog of infatuation, let go of unrealistic ideals, and move toward the relationship that is right for you.

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How to Cope with the Pain of Breakup

Kessler reminds us that if there is grief, there was love. What a beautiful thing to have been able to love and be loved! Though many would maintain it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all, some may prefer to avoid potential heartache by never risking loss. This may be a way to avoid the temporary pain of breakup, but it’s also a surefire way to miss out on one of the greatest joys of life.

Keeping the positive front and center in the devastating aftermath of a breakup is no easy task, though. So what to do? How to cope? The following are a few ideas and reminders:

1. Give yourself permission to mourn. You don’t heal if you don’t feel! Perhaps the most unproductive thing you can do with your emotions is shut them off. Whether five years or five months, a broken attachment hurts. The length of time or circumstances don’t matter so much as what these wounds stir up unconsciously. We all carry some baggage, but if you don’t allow yourself time to go through the stages of grief, you may run the risk of taking unresolved anger and resentment into your next relationship.
2. Reach out to your “fan club.” Surround yourself with positive supports. This is especially important if you were with someone who was emotionally or otherwise abusive. Spend time with friends, family, mentors, and others who can reflect back to you the wonderful, valuable, lovable person you are.
3. Talk to a helping professional. As a therapist, I may be biased, but if you’re not already in therapy you may want to consider it—especially if you recognize destructive patterns in your relationships. Working with a therapist, whether individually or in a group setting, is a great way to learn about and begin to change unhealthy relational patterns.
4. Find the lesson meant for you. As Kessler notes, breakups can be opportunities to learn about yourself and grow. Learning a “lesson” doesn’t mean you did something wrong. It means taking ownership of your happiness and taking advantage of a chance to create stronger relationships and possibly heal hurtful memories and distorted beliefs.
5. Channel your creativity. If you haven’t already done so, try to identify a creative outlet or activity that speaks to you and helps you heal. This can be journaling, painting, or taking an improv class, for example. As a writer and a former actor, I can attest to the cathartic power of creative pursuits.
6. Get back out there. There is something to be said for so-called “rebound” relationships—so long as all involved are honest with each another about what they’re looking for and how long they’re looking for it. Only you can determine when you are ready to re-enter the dating world. Whether for the purpose of finding a long-term relationship or simply to broaden your social circle, meeting people and cultivating new friendships, romantic or otherwise, can nourish the soul and help you develop a support network. So even if your next date doesn’t turn out to be the one, they could turn out to be a new best friend!

Of course, all of this is substantially easier said than done. As I write this, I’m reeling from my own recent breakup. It is what compelled me to write this piece, as writing is one of my creative healing outlets. My hope is to remain faithful to the advice I offer above. I will allow myself to grieve as I look for the lessons meant for me. And during the most difficult moments, I will remind myself that where there is grief, there was once love.

References:

1. Hay, L., & Kessler, D. (2015). You can heal your heart: Finding peace after a breakup, divorce, or death. Carlsbad, CA: Hay House, Inc.
2. Kübler-Ross, E., & Kessler, D. (2005). On grief and grieving: Finding the meaning of grief through the five stages of loss. New York, NY: Scribner.

Let’s face it: being single can be really hard! No matter your age, people are always asking, “So are you seeing anyone?” or, “Have you met anyone special lately?” Society at large seems to think there’s something fundamentally wrong with being single. There is also a prevailing (and inaccurate) perception everyone wants to be in a relationship or get married.

The truth is, being single can be positive and healthy for any number of reasons. Though it can feel lonely at times, it can be an empowering and healing experience.

Here are six signs being single is a good fit for you for the time being:

1. You Just Got Out of a Relationship

Take time to regroup. Jumping from one relationship into another may distract you from processing and grieving your recent loss. Whether you initiated the breakup or not, you will likely benefit from some form of healing. Give yourself the space to think about the meaning and lessons of your last relationship. You can come to conclusions about what you like or need (and what you don’t) in a partner, or discover, for example, you really care more about religion, intimacy, common interests, etc., than you had realized. This is the time to create an empowering message about why going through this experience was ultimately for the best.

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2. You Need to Focus on Healing

After a breakup, family crisis, medical scare, or major life transition, people often need time to heal and focus on themselves. Being single allows you the luxury of focusing on yourself. If it makes you feel good to run three times a week, do it. If you’ve been meaning to do a class or try therapy, now you have the time. If you’ve been wanting to eat healthier, now you can focus on that. It’s an ideal time to take care of yourself mentally, physically, and spiritually.

3. You Need to Work on Being More Independent

Sometimes in a relationship, it can be easy to develop dependence on the other person. Maybe you feel like you don’t know how to cook for yourself. Maybe you have no idea how to manage your money. Maybe you worry about who will fix your car when it breaks down or who will pick you up from the station if you need a ride. Developing self-sufficiency skills will prove to be helpful in future relationships, should you pursue them, because you’ll be choosing to be with the person rather than needing to be.

4. You Want to Be ‘Free’

If you have an itch for adventure and do not wish to be burdened by obligations, choosing to be single for a while might be best. If you have a desire for freedom, it’s a great idea to act on that before more obligations (financial, family, etc.) bog you down. If you’ve always wanted to travel to India, figure out a way to make that happen. Some people, especially in their late teens and early 20s, have more of an urge for independence than others. If the thought of being in a serious relationship or marriage feels entrapping for you, allow yourself some time to be free of commitments.

5. You Want to Put Your Time and Energy into Life Goals

You may have a hard time working on multiple goals at the same time, so focusing on one at a time may work better for you. Do you want to just focus on graduate school right now? Do you want to put all your time and energy into your work and try to get ahead? If working on a big life goal feels like a priority, give it all you’ve got and focus on dating later.

6. You Want to Get Married

You may be asking yourself, “How is being single going to help me get married?” Bear with me here. Many people waste time in dead-end relationships, believing “when someone better comes along, I’ll end this relationship.” That’s not generally how it works. If you’re not happy, everything you’re investing in who you are with now is taking away from the investment you could be making in developing yourself into a great catch or meeting new people. If marriage is your goal and you’re not feeling it with your current partner, then your time may be best spent on self-improvement, increasing insight, developing emotional self-regulation, and boosting your self-esteem. Being single also helps you re-set for a potential spouse. Think about what values and virtues are important for you, what you want from your life, and qualities you desire in a partner.

Being single can help you focus on much-needed self-care or allow the freedom to pursue life goals or interests. It can also give you the space to define what you want (or don’t want) from relationships. Being single doesn’t mean being a failure. It’s a choice that paves the way for better choices both now and in the future.

It sounds like you are still in a great deal of pain after the loss of this relationship. I hear you when you say moving on is more difficult than it sounds. I also hear you expressing a very common belief that you need to be able to speak to your ex in order to gain a sense of closure, but the good news is … you don’t. In fact, it often seems that continued contact with an ex (especially if the contact revolves around rehashing what went wrong) just leads to more questions, fewer answers, and an emptier feeling.

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I suspect the answers about what keeps you hanging on lie within you. I imagine the sense of “purgatory” you reference as being less about seeking answers from someone you can’t access and more about the inability to access answers you already possess. It sounds like you have spent a good bit of time trying to resolve this by talking to her, by talking to your friends and family, and thinking things through on your own. I would suggest trying something different—like partnering with a therapist. Friends and family tend to give well-intentioned advice, and while that can be helpful, it isn’t going to help you access the deeper thoughts and feelings that might be preventing you from healing and moving on.

I imagine the sense of “purgatory” you reference as being less about seeking answers from someone you can’t access and more about the inability to access answers you already possess.

A therapist will listen to you and ask questions and make comments that will allow you to dig deeper. Maybe you will learn that you believed your ex-girlfriend was the one you would spend the rest of your life with and those unmet expectations have left you with insecurities and fears; insecurities about your ability to accurately assess your relationships or fears of being hurt like this again. Maybe you will learn that the relationship was actually quite unhealthy in some ways and that is what has made it so difficult to heal and move on. Maybe it is something else entirely that is holding you back. A therapist can help you unpack and examine with compassionate curiosity whatever it might be.

With the limited information I have, all I can do is make general speculations, but working with a therapist will give you the opportunity to understand why the end of this relationship has been so painful for you. Identifying whatever that is and healing from it may offer the closure you seek and maybe even lead you to a new, healthier, more rewarding relationship.

Best wishes,

Sarah

I can only imagine the range of emotions you are experiencing after a blindside like this. Based on the information you provided, the way your husband handled the situation absolutely seems unfair to you. Walking out with no prior conversation can indicate either a lack of care and respect for your feelings and your relationship or deeper issues of his own. He may be going through something that compelled him to make a major life change with no clear plan of where he was going next. Either way, trust that when he says he is done, he is done.

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He resisted attempts to go to counseling in the past and has let you know that he has no desire to do so now. Take him at his word. It takes two to fight for a marriage—and if he is not willing to even engage, fighting for your marriage will be an exercise in frustration for you and potentially damage what remains of your relationship. Not fighting doesn’t mean you don’t care about your marriage. By not fighting, however, you may be able to begin your grieving process, and subsequent healing process, sooner.

It is natural to go through many stages of grieving at the end of a relationship. Denial, bargaining, anger, and sadness are to be expected. Given your particular circumstances, confusion and the desire for reasonable explanations would be natural as well.

It is natural to go through many stages of grief at the end of a relationship. Denial, bargaining, anger, and sadness are to be expected. Given your particular circumstances, confusion and the desire for reasonable explanations would be natural as well. Unfortunately, it is possible that your husband will not, perhaps even cannot, give you the answers you need to make sense of this bewildering situation.

His departure and refusal to explain or consider working on things has not only hurt you deeply, but also likely left you feeling powerless. One important part of healing will be reclaiming your power. I recommend that you connect with a local counselor who can provide support and perspective as you grapple with the emotions that naturally will arise for you.

Through counseling, you can determine how you want to grieve and move forward. You can get support to handle the anger and confusion you are feeling. You can choose how to handle future conversations and interactions with your husband. You can choose whether staying connected to him is in your best interests or not. You can choose whether or not to remain friends.

Thank you for reaching out. I hope, with support, you find resolution for the understandable pain you feel that allows you to move forward with a clear mind and heart.

Best of luck,
Erika

When your life doesn’t go as planned, it’s natural to look back with regret. Experiences and time spent seem like a waste when you’re robbed of the opportunity to finish what you started. This may seem particularly true with the end of your marriage.

Regret is common when you’re going through divorce or separation. You might even question whether you would make the same choices knowing what you know now. Thoughts about the past may make you angry because it seems like everything was a big waste of time, or perhaps you feel like you invested poorly in the stock of your life. If you made a poor choice in a partner, or committed to a relationship you knew wasn’t right, the feeling of regret may be even stronger. Wishing you could go back in time and do it all over is normal.

Regret is very closely linked to anger and grief. It’s a natural part of recovering from the end of a marriage, but like anger and grief it can become problematic if left unresolved. There are certain emotions that easily pass through the system, but regret can be an emotional artery clog because, like resentment and shame, it survives in the dark recesses of your own mind. Regret is simply a construct of time because it can happen only when there is something in the past you haven’t been able to resolve in the present. Focusing or fixating on the past with a regretful perspective is toxic and may land you in a state of bitterness that is much harder to undo.

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Living with a feeling of regret is often painful and depleting. Energy that could be used for a new life or creating new memories gets drained when the focus is on what could or should have been. When you look forward toward the future, there’s a strong pull to compare it to the past, and when the past gets pulled into the present, it serves as a weight or obstacle that may prevent you from creating the life you are capable of creating.

Here are four tips to release your regret:

1. Make a List

Start by making a list of all your regrets. Get them down on paper so you can clearly see what you’re wishing were different. Some of the items on your list may be valid and connected to a natural grief process, but many will simply represent a resistance to the things you cannot change. You might regret selling your house, not paying more attention to the marriage, or getting married in the first place.

Next, take each regret and write a few brief lines about what would have happened if you hadn’t made that choice or if a particular experience hadn’t happened. How would things be different now? What would be different in the future? Use what you learn to reshape your regret.

2. Find the Silver Lining

Your mind is powerful, and your thoughts will likely be the biggest obstacle to letting go of regret. Replaying old stories and thinking about how things could have been different may keep you rooted in a negative space. When you pay attention to your thoughts, you can catch them and reshape them into something more positive. There is always another scenario that can be played out, so finding the silver lining by taking a bigger perspective may be helpful.

Take the list you made of your regrets and reframe each one into three positive points. For example, if you regret giving up your career for your marriage, a bright side might be that you had time away from work to engage other interests and aspects of your life.

3. Focus on Your Strengths

Regret can lead to a feeling of weakness because it implies that what you need is no longer available to you. Focusing on your present strengths may empower and encourage you to let that go.

Make a list of your personal strengths. You may have to dig deep if you’re feeling like a failure in the current context of your life, but if you sit long enough, you’ll likely come up with a few. Your strengths might be kindness, intelligence, courage, or compassion. Pick one strength and think about how you might use it to help you move forward without regret.

4. Transform and Grow

Regret is a part of your recovery process; after all, there is no way to move forward without reflecting on the past. However, there’s a difference between fixating on what could have been and learning from your choices.

The greatest gift you can give yourself is the wisdom you pull from the choices and experiences you regret. It’s a great opportunity for personal growth and transformation to learn from your mistakes, so turn what didn’t work out into a chance for change.

Your very sad story is touching. You’re worried that you’ve wasted four years of your life and clearly miss the man who was your partner, and you long for the good times you spent together. Nevertheless, your memories of the good are almost buried in your regret. I’m glad you’re seeing a therapist to help yourself grow and develop and learn how to hold onto the good, so you can learn to care for yourself and how to take care of yourself, too, and become a better partner. It’s apparent to me that you have accepted responsibility for your role in the way things ended, and that shows growth.

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Part of human development is learning to accept yourself and your actions, your history, and use it as a springboard to move forward in your life. As your therapist says, forgiving yourself is essential. Once you do that, it’s time to shut the door on it. You cannot return to your past.

Clinging to the past and especially to regrets about your behavior may feel unconsciously like a way to cling to the person who was once your partner, but in fact it’s only a memory you’re attached to.

You seem preoccupied with thoughts about how your partner thinks of you now. You’re worried that the bad times will outweigh the good ones, and the good will be forgotten. This may or not be so for him—we don’t really know that—but what we can be sure about is what your feelings are. You can remember the good and the bad that you both experienced, forgive yourself, forgive your partner, and move on. The best testament to the good times you enjoyed in your relationship is the ability to hold onto the good and go forward with your life. The past has a vote, not a veto. It can vote to show you better paths in the future, but it cannot have veto power over the rest of your life.

After some time of healing and mourning, I hope you will be ready to move on and use all you have learned to forge a new relationship filled with compassion and love for yourself and the person who becomes your next partner, if and when you choose to pursue another relationship.

Clinging to the past and especially to regrets about your behavior may feel unconsciously like a way to cling to the person who was once your partner, but in fact it’s only a memory you’re attached to. The person has gone away, and you deserve something real, solid, and present.

I wish you patience and success as you continue your journey with your therapist.

Take care,
Lynn

Breakups are often a painful ordeal, but the pain is all the more excruciating when you don’t see it coming. You thought things were going great, and then seemingly out of nowhere your partner breaks it off, leaving you alone with an aching heart.

Finding closure after an unexpected breakup can be incredibly challenging, but here are 10 tips to help you move on after getting dumped.

1. Allow Yourself to Feel

Studies have shown that the brain copes with rejection similarly to the way it processes physical pain. Some may be tempted to numb the pain with drugs and alcohol or jump immediately into another relationship to avoid their feelings. Rather than taking this approach, allow yourself to feel the emotions in their entirety, whatever they may be.

It is natural to grieve after any loss. Even if you avoid the pain initially, eventually you have to face it to heal. By giving yourself time to grieve, you’ll find it easier to obtain the closure you seek and move on with your life.

2. Understand the Grieving Process

[fat_widget_right]Relationship counselor Jesse Johnson, MA, LPC suggests, “After a relationship ends, it’s important to honor the grieving process, not only in the loss of the relationship, but in the loss of any future vision for the relationship. Some people need to grieve an entire life’s vision in this way. It’s a big deal and honoring the end will help greatly with closure.”

3. Practice Forgiveness

Holding on to any grudges or resentment for your former partner will only prevent you from moving on with your life. Offer yourself a pardon by being willing to let go of the past and forgive your ex for any ways you feel you were wronged.

Likewise, forgive yourself for any mistakes you may have made in the relationship. Hold yourself in a state of compassion, and be willing to learn from the past so you can make better choices in the future.

4. Channel the Energy Elsewhere

Rather than sit around and let your anger, sadness, or frustration eat away at you, choose to channel that energy into something productive. Exercise is an excellent way to move energy out of your body and it releases endorphins, which will help improve your mood. You may also consider getting involved in your community or taking up a new hobby.

5. Maintain Your Self-Worth

There’s no denying that being rejected by someone you love hurts, but refuse to let it impact your self-esteem. Know your value as a person, and honor your self-worth.

Choose to maintain your dignity by not trying to force someone to be in your life who doesn’t want to be. Eventually, the right person will come along and you won’t have to prove your worth because he or she will recognize it.

6. Throw Out the Mementos

It’s tough to get rid of old love letters, photos, and other mementos, but choosing to keep them only encourages you to hang on to the past.

There is nothing wrong with keeping your memories, but choose to do so in a way that isn’t destructive. Consider taking down the old photos and keeping the mementos out of sight in a keepsake box or other non-visible location.

7. Create Your Own Closure

Ironically, seeking closure can be one of the greatest hindrances to moving on from a breakup. It can be tempting toSometimes when a relationship ends, it was meant to end. There may be someone else out there for you who is a far better match than your former partner. try to organize a big conversation with an ex to get real answers for why the relationship ended. In many cases, you won’t be able to have that conversation and the odds are that even if you did, it probably wouldn’t help much anyway.

While closure tends to work well in the business world, it doesn’t really fit in when it comes to matters of the heart. We may want a neat little ending to our pain, but it’s rarely that simple.

In reality, the best way to get closer to that feeling of closure you desire may be to simply cut off all contact. Let go of the idea of mending the relationship and create your own form of closure. Allow yourself to start building a new life outside of the former relationship and do what you need to do to move on.

9. Embrace the Impermanence of Life

Change is the only constant in our lives. As much as we try to hang on to anything in life, there is no forever. Everything is constantly in flux. By refusing to accept this, you resist life itself.

Help yourself move on by embracing the natural impermanence of our ephemeral lives on this planet. Understand that people come and go in our lives, and sometimes we have no choice but to let go of the old and embrace the new.

9. Keep the Faith

It is far too easy to become cynical after being dumped. Rather than being bitter, remain open to the possibilities of love. Therapist Deb Hirschhorn, PhD offers this piece of advice for the brokenhearted: “Don’t think of it as getting dumped; think of it as being set free.”

Sometimes when a relationship ends, it was meant to end. There may be someone else out there for you who is a far better match than your former partner. Allow yourself to grieve and then, when you’re ready, consider the possibility of entering a new relationship.

10. Seek Support

You don’t have to go through a breakup or any relationship problem alone. Seek support from your friends and family. Allow them to hold a safe container for you to share your feelings. If the container of family and friends is not enough, consider finding a therapist you trust to help you work through and process your feelings in a safe space.

Reference:

1. Saul, Heather. (2013, October 16). Brain treats rejection like physical pain say scientists. The Independent. Retrieved from http://www.independent.co.uk/news/science/brain-treats-rejection-like-physical-pain-say-scientists-8884507.html

Most breakups are painful—not just for the couple, but also for those standing in the surrounding blast zone. We often hear about how divorce can affect the immediate family, but we rarely think about how a breakup or divorce affects a couple’s friends.

Studies have shown that divorce often negatively impacts those with up to two degrees of separation from the couple. If you’re friends with a recently divorced or broken-up pair, it is likely that your life may be impacted in one of the following ways.

1. You’re More Likely to Get Divorced

You wouldn’t necessarily think that someone else’s divorce could affect your marriage, but some studies show it can.

Divorce contagion is a social phenomenon wherein certain behaviors, feelings, and attitudes spread throughout a social network. This occurs because people tend to become more open to ideas and behaviors when they’re supported by their peers. When a married person talks with a divorced friend, he or she directly or indirectly learns the benefits and drawbacks of separation and may become more accustomed to or interested in the idea. If your significant other has been on the fence about the viability of your relationship, a divorce within your social circle can become a tipping point.

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According to prominent research, if your friend gets divorced, your marriage has a 147% greater chance of coming to an end. Even your coworker’s divorce could affect your life, increasing your probability for divorce by 55%. According to the same research, however, if you have children your marriage will likely remain unaffected by the divorce of a friend. Children have been found to counter the effects of the social divorce contagion. Research reveals that couples with children are not as susceptible and their marriages are likely to stay intact regardless of the outcome of friends’ marriages.

2. Couple Friendships May Dissolve

If you’re married or in a long-term relationship and both you and your partner are friends with parting couples, it is quite possible that many or all of the shared friendships will dissolve. The double dates to movies, dinners, and sporting events will end immediately, but it may even be difficult to remain friends with an individual within a shared friendship.

Newly single people tend to dislike spending time with couples if it reminds them of an ended marriage or relationship that didn’t pan out. Similarly, couples may feel uneasy about spending time with a newly divorced friend if they were once friends with both partners. They may feel pressured to choose sides or reveal information to one party about the other.

In one study examining the fallout effect of ended relationships, for 50% of recently split couples, the former partners also ended friendships with one or more members of another couple with whom the former partners had been friends. One in eight couples ended their friendships with both partners in a mutual friendship. Don’t be too discouraged by these findings, however. It is quite possible to maintain your friendships after a relationship has ended. In fact, about 33% of the couples in the same study reported that they were able to remain friends with both of the individuals in a shared friendship.

3. Group Outings and Events May Never Be the Same

As mentioned earlier, if a couple in your social circle splits, your group of friends could end up losing one or both individuals from the recently parted couple. If your group is able to maintain the friendships, however, there will probably still be some difficulties when planning events such as birthday parties, group dinners, or other events that bring everyone together. One partner may not wish to see the other, forcing the group to choose when making invitations. One or both members of the former couple may choose not to come to a group event out of fear of seeing the other, or they could both come and end up arguing or making the event awkward for others in attendance.

It should be stressed that this isn’t always the case. Many couples are able to maintain healthy friendships and treat each other with kindness and respect. Regardless, your group of friends will notice some changes when it comes to getting the gang together.

4. Remaining Neutral Could Be Difficult

Most people who are mutual friends with both members of a divorced or split couple will choose to remain neutral and maintain friendships with both parties. Unfortunately, this isn’t always easy. Many people feel pressured to choose between friends, and they may not know how they should act around their newly divorced pals.

For this reason, people may start to distance themselves and friendships could weaken. As a mutual friend of the couple, expect to experience some uncomfortable feelings in the months following the breakup.

Help Your Friends Reach Out for Help If They Need It

Ending a relationship or filing for divorce is tough on all involved parties, including a couple’s friends. In the days, weeks, and months following a breakup or divorce, people generally reach out to friends for support, confirmation that they did the right thing, and a shoulder to lean or cry on. Be a good friend and be aware of some of the changes within your friend’s life.

If your friend has recently ended a relationship, know that some things are going to change, especially if he or she (or they) belonged to a larger social circle that you’re a part of. Be sensitive to these changes and try to help your friend get through them. If you notice he or she is exhibiting symptoms of depression or experiencing an unusual amount of stress and anxiety, please consider helping your friend find a qualified therapist to speak with. A therapist can provide a safe, neutral space, free of judgment, to help a person understand his or her feelings and behaviors related to the ended relationship, and the shifting dynamics that will inevitably occur after the split.

References:

1. Chen, Stephanie. (June 10, 2010). Could you be ‘infected’ by friend’s divorce? Retrieved from http://www.cnn.com/2010/LIVING/06/10/divorce.contagious.gore/
2. Deal, Katherine H., and Grief, Geoffrey. (August 31, 2012). The impact of divorce on friendships with couples and individuals. Journal of Divorce and Remarriage. Vol 53, Issue 6. DOI: 10.1080/10502556.2012.682894
3. Morin, Rich. (October 21, 2013). Is divorce contagious? Pew Research Center. Retrieved from http://www.pewresearch.org/fact-tank/2013/10/21/is-divorce-contagious/
4. Moutria, Kristen. The Effect of Divorces on Mutual Friendships. Global Post. Retrieved from http://everydaylife.globalpost.com/effects-divorces-mutual-friendships-14139.html

After experiencing relationship disappointments such as breakup or divorce, it can be hard to move forward and have hope that you will find love again. In today’s online dating world, it is easy to meet many potential mates, but that makes it just as easy to experience letdowns and heartbreak when a relationship doesn’t work out. It can also feel like our dating culture is increasingly superficial, squashing our dreams of finding meaningful and committed connections.

It’s hard to pick yourself back up after heartbreak, and the more rejection you experience, the harder it may be to believe that you will be able to find the right person and relationship for you. We’ve all heard the cliché sayings—“date yourself,” “take time for you,” and “find yourself” among them—thrown out as advice, but what does that really mean, and what do we do when we feel as though we’ve lost all hope of finding a life partner?

Taking time for yourself is more about working on yourself than it is “finding” yourself. The person we are inside changes over time. We grow, learn, change, react, and respond to our environment and the people around us, so who we are isn’t necessarily something that is concrete.

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Working on ourselves consists of taking an honest look at the ways in which we have responded to hurt, anger, and loss following a breakup. It’s normal to develop walls and barriers in order to protect ourselves, and it’s also normal to feel anger. We are allowed to feel and express our feelings, and doing so speeds our recovery. However, we don’t want to bring these feelings into our next relationship or dating experience.

Hanging onto these emotions and keeping walls up gets in the way of us opening up to the possibility of allowing someone to get to know us, thus greatly reducing the chance we will find the relationship we are looking for. So, working on ourselves means identifying our feelings, expressing our feelings in healthy ways, and then releasing those feelings so that we can move on.

Breakup and divorce can be devastating, and it’s important to know it’s normal to grieve the loss of the relationship. It takes time to move through the stages of grief, and the more we can feel and release our emotions while we are moving through the stages, the quicker we can let go of the old relationship and be ready to move forward with a new one.

Relationships are built on foundations, and those foundations are made up of the things each person in the relationship brings to the table. We all have our baggage from past experiences, but in order to create the best possibility for a healthy, happy relationship, we want to bring our best selves to the table and show up for ourselves and for our potential mate.

Bringing our best selves to a relationship means forgiving ourselves for the mistakes we may have made in previous relationships. If we are harboring blame, regret, or feelings of shame, we sabotage our confidence and our chance of bringing our best selves to a new relationship.

Another way we can regain hope that we will find the relationship we are looking for is to focus on self-care. Although the term “self-care” is overused by life coaches, psychologists, and yoga teachers, the premise is possibly the most important component of healing after a breakup and regaining hope for the future.

Self-care starts with taking the time to know who you are and what you like. This may sound easy, but your preferences typically change when you are in a relationship and then change again after a breakup. There is no magic formula to getting to know yourself again, but taking time out to focus on what is important to you and the activities that make you feel good is the first step to knowing how you can nurture your true self.

When we’ve experienced hurt and heartbreak, it can seem overwhelming. We can’t always deal with it on our own, nor should we have to. Building a strong community of support helps us heal. Seeking the guidance of a compassionate therapist can help you get back on track, regain hope of finding love in the future, and empower you to bring your best self to future relationships.