How to Be a Parent to a Teen Who ‘Hates’ You

Daughter looking a phone and ignoring her motherOften, I meet a mom who is on the verge of tears describing how her teen hates her. She can’t understand it, and she wants her baby back. The teen looks on sullenly, once again exasperated by a parent who just doesn’t understand.

As a nonparent but a therapist for many kids, teens, and families, I can easily understand what this teen is going through. I remember it well. I hated my mom, too, and she was a sobbing mess due to my abrupt withdrawal. All I wanted was independence and for her to get off my back. Looking back, I want to kiss my mom for being so annoying. She saved me from so many negative experiences by having rules and expectations, but she also pushed me away by being emotional and reactive to my teen antics.

The preteen and teen years are filled with intense emotions and conflict. Historically, this change has been attributed to hormones, which is certainly a large part of it. Through our entire adult lives, we wrestle with hormones surging in our bodies, but after our teenage years we have developed enough to manage most of the residual emotions. Teens, on the other hand, have not. They feel so many different and new things, and they don’t always have the ability to slow down their reactions.

Educate Yourself

Learn more about what your teen is going through and try to develop an objective lens through which to look. This may help you make meaning of some of the wilder behavior your teenager exhibits. It won’t buffer the sting of hateful comments, but understanding where they come from may help you think rationally about it all and not question every parenting move you make. Read books, articles, and websites about teen development. An informative, easy-to-read book I recommend is The Teenage Brain: A Neuroscientist’s Survival Guide to Raising Adolescents and Young Adults by Dr. Frances E. Jensen.

Remain Calm

When the situation is tense, take three deep breaths before responding to your teen. Don’t respond impulsively, as doing so may fuel the fire and create a bigger rift in your relationship. Attempt to process your emotions with another adult if you need to, and present yourself as calm, cool, and collected when approaching your teen. When this is not possible, try your best not to engage in an argument and instead walk away. If you are losing your cool or crying, your message may not be as effective and may further contribute to your teen’s negative perception of you.

See It from Their Perspective

It may not be sensible to you, but there is usually some merit to your teen’s argument. Validate it. Let them know that you get it, and you want them to be happy.

Guide Them

Looking back, I want to kiss my mom for being so annoying. She saved me from so many negative experiences by having rules and expectations, but she also pushed me away by being emotional and reactive to my teen antics.Almost all teens need some major guidance. Many lack the ability to think far ahead and weigh all the consequences of their choices. Part of your job as a parent is to control impulses. Your teen may rail against you, but don’t give up! Letting your teen run wild will help neither you nor your teen. Teens can be harsh, hurtful, and even intimidating to their parents, but you are the adult in the relationship and it’s your job—not your teen’s—to stand strong and maintain boundaries.

Stay Strong

Forget the messy rooms, don’t worry so much about the heavy eyeliner, and simply focus on safety and love. You love your teen because they were once your baby, and even though they can seem cold, moody, and sometimes downright mean, your teen loves you underneath it all and they do NEED you.

© Copyright 2015 GoodTherapy.org. All rights reserved. Permission to publish granted by Alexis Hansen, LCSW, therapist in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

The preceding article was solely written by the author named above. Any views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the preceding article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment below.

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  • kim

    kim

    September 3rd, 2015 at 8:28 AM

    don’t all teens hate their parents at some point? just keep loving them and eventually they will come back to you

  • La J

    La J

    September 16th, 2017 at 3:40 PM

    Yup, keep loving them, it sounds so nice, yet it’s hard to find what shape love must take each minute. Loving, that’s a given. How can you not love them! But HOW much to tighten rules, and how much to allow, when there’s permanent rudeness and rioting against authority, etc. A great challenge… It often wears one out to the limit. But true, avoiding showing negative emotion is effective. They actually do want you to keep your cool: they feel safer. God help any teen parent!

  • Madalyn

    Madalyn

    September 3rd, 2015 at 1:41 PM

    Above all else, I just want my children to know that I love them beyond belief and that nothing that they could ever say or do will change that. I might not like them at times, and they may not like me too much either, but that will never change the fact that they are my children and I will love and support them through the good times and the bad.

  • Deanne

    Deanne

    September 4th, 2015 at 5:31 AM

    Poignant and very well written. Thanks for an article filled with advice that’s helpful not only to mothers but also to teachers of teenagers.

  • annie

    annie

    September 4th, 2015 at 11:35 AM

    I have this tendency to shut down when I feel like I am being attacked and it is easy to feel that way with kids who are this age. The guiding light here is that this is not the time to shut down on them. They need you more than they know right now, and for you to shut down on them will only be one more thing in life that they feel is working against them. Be strong

  • La J

    La J

    September 16th, 2017 at 4:10 PM

    Thank you, Annie for this insight. It’s helped me a lot. Today I’ve felt at the end of my rope. Just wished I could pack up and leave forever, never to have to fight so hard for my teen’s well being by myself. Shutting down is a normal reaction. Yet I know I need to regroup, take it less personally, and fight diplomatically. And almost impossible challenge… But we also need to accept our limits, our failures, our imperfections. We too are persons, and we have needs and feelings. And that’s that. It’s hard to know you’re not going to be perfect, but it’s good to know you are doing you’re best and all you can, and even more… The painful thing is teens will blame and rant at the parent who is present… and the one missing or other family members that make no effort look good or at least don’t take the blows. It’s easy to love them — really hard to like them at times…

  • Lorri

    Lorri

    March 15th, 2018 at 2:35 PM

    I had such a rough day yesterday with my teenagers that I left the house, went for a drive, and thought of driving West maybe to California? I feel like such a horrible mother, but also,don’t deserve to be treated the way they are treating me. I give, give and get nothing in return. Maybe I’m giving too much. Really struggling with my first born 17 year old daughter. Did I mention she was strong willed? I can’t seem to say anything that doesn’t make her angry. I love her to pieces but don’t particularly like her right now. Any suggestions on how to break the silence that has occurred? I feel like there’s a power struggle right now.

  • Sara

    Sara

    September 15th, 2018 at 8:21 AM

    Lorri – it’s been a few months since you left this post…I have a feeling things got way better…and then bad again…and then better and bad. :) I also have a 17 year old daughter. It is incredibly hard. We are super close on day, she hates me the next. A friend (also a parent coach) told me “Never ride the roller coaster”. That is WAY easier said than done. We are human, with emotions….sometimes I can’t keep them in. I never yell or raise my voice…My daughter typically tells me everything…boys, what she’s doing with friends, etc…until I lecture on the “why this is bad for you..and your future..your health as an athlete..blah blah blah”. She told me, and this is a gift, that she won’t tell me anything if she thinks she’s going to get a lecture. So, sometimes I’m read to explode on the inside, but I smile, ask a few questions and let it go. SO. HARD. This same parent coach friend told me to set boundaries that are in line with our family values and to hold firm to those. Your teen may fight back, complain, etc… however, they all need those tight boundaries while they are navigating their crazy, hormonal world. They will “get it” one day and come back apologizing (maybe). ;)

  • mel

    mel

    November 14th, 2017 at 12:27 PM

    I’d like to ask about the shutting down. 9 times out of 10, I take deep breaths, I keep the conversation going. The one time I break down and let loose, my 16 year old boy shuts down. I’m having a hard time breaking down the wall (it’s been 48 hours). How do I chip away at getting back to where we were (which was “normal” teen behavior, lots of time on his own and figuring out letting out the rope, but we could still find times to connect , the car, the dinner table, but right now it is complete shut down school and back to his room with no words.)? And for the record, his dad tends to shut down, I’m the one who always keeps the conversation going.

  • don m

    don m

    September 4th, 2015 at 1:24 PM

    Hind sight is 20-20, wish I had been able to have the knowledge and insight that comes with living through the challenge of raising teens prior to being a parent.

  • Gail

    Gail

    November 14th, 2017 at 3:38 PM

    Me as well. I have two generations kidds. My son was 24when my oldest daughter was born… Now I have 2 teenage girls and there is nothing about raising a boy that can prepare you for the hell that teenage girls put you through…Have lots patience, choose your battles, try not to let them know that you are loosing it, pray alot and love them alot. (even when they hate you)
    We will all get through this!!!

  • Alexis H.

    Alexis H.

    September 5th, 2015 at 11:04 AM

    Through my work, I have seen how the teen years can be such a challenge because the parent has to basically go through a grieving process to let go of their child. The desire of the parent is to have their child stay a child, while the desire of the teen works in opposition, with their goal being to become an independent adult. Navigating this is not easy, but as some of you have commented, keep loving them and in the end they come back to you!

  • Chris (Dad)

    Chris (Dad)

    December 26th, 2016 at 11:43 PM

    2 teen girls15 and 16. Their mom tells them I am the anti-christ. Was falsely accused of abuse and won and now they are back. They won’t go to counseling and I only have them every other weekend Friday to Sunday. So this is on me to fix. I am thinking of no phones no tv regime until there are some changes. But i don’t know if thats cause they hurt me tonight, or cause I feel like ive tried everything else. Suggestions

  • Sara

    Sara

    February 1st, 2017 at 12:08 PM

    Chris,
    Their mom has already made you out to be the evil, bad dad. So it’s going to be tough for you to show them that you’re not. Yes, you need some guidelines but talking to them together about what would be reasonable guidelines (phone use, TV use) might help. And most importantly, have fun with them! Go bowling or out to eat. Play board games. Get into what they are doing on their phones- join Snapchat, Instagram. Be patient and caring and have fun!!

  • Linda

    Linda

    May 1st, 2017 at 1:15 PM

    Always reach out to them and continue to love them. I promise one day – they will come to you. They will want to see for themselves what you are really like. Hang in there. I know this is hard.

  • Gail

    Gail

    November 13th, 2017 at 1:19 PM

    I hope so… She hurts my feelings almost every day… She was the sweetest baby, toddler, and preteen
    She woke up the morning of her 13th birthday I did not know who she was. She has gotten worse ever since…
    This morning she told me she would rather me not kiss her anymore… That my friends ripped my heart right out of my chest… She doesn’t know that.
    I have raised two other teen’s neither ever made me feel like that.
    SOMEONE HELP ME PLEASE.

  • Irene

    Irene

    April 4th, 2018 at 2:24 PM

    Same with my 11 (soon to be 12) year old daughter. We fight everyday and sometimes i feel that she hates me to her core. I took away her beloved celphone and despite her attachment to it, she refuses to change her attitude towards me. She woukd rather lose her celph than treat me with respect.
    The confusing matter is, the change in her did not happen gradually. It happened almost overnight. Like she woke up one morning and decided she hated her family.
    Most times i stay up late and cry and pray. Its tough. :(

  • Joyce

    Joyce

    September 6th, 2015 at 2:48 AM

    It is one off my fear already, mine daughter is only 3 and she is strong will already, as the article illustrate first you need calm yourself down first, listen to what they are saying and then you can try to give your best advice also mention the risk that may occur, be honest, because sometime our own fear can cloud everything, we can only try and do the best we can, be an example, be their role model, these kids are very smart, sometime they act all tough or rude just for attention or want to know that you care.

  • victoria

    victoria

    September 6th, 2015 at 7:59 AM

    No one ever said that raising them through the teen years was gonna be easy, but if you can find your way through the maze that is adolescence you could find yourself looking at a pretty cool kid once the two of you are finally once again able to meet in the middle.

  • Meg

    Meg

    September 7th, 2015 at 10:49 AM

    It’s not that they actually hate you, but they are going through a point where they are trying to figure out quite a few things on their own and that can be so frustrating and confusing to them all at the same time. I think that it is definitely a time where you have to be willing to give them a little bit of space space to grow and space to fail, and just let them know that you are still going to be there for them whenever it is that they decide that they need you again.

  • marilyn b

    marilyn b

    September 7th, 2015 at 5:19 PM

    I would rather they hate me now than go out and do something stupid

  • Jeanna

    Jeanna

    September 8th, 2015 at 10:36 AM

    The thing that has been the hardest for me is that I have always been so close to my girls when they were young and now it almost feels like they don’t want me to be involved in anything that they do anymore. I know that this is a natural phase for them to go through but it still doesn’t mean that it doesn’t hurt that they do not need me the way that they once did.

  • Di

    Di

    November 8th, 2018 at 5:24 PM

    Hi Jeanna, I read a lot of the posts on this site and yours hits home for me. I was just crying because I found out through the grapevine that my 18 year old daughter got a promotion in the Navy and never told me. I guess I’m writing you because I want to know how things are going 3 years later. Have things gotten better? I’m trying to figure out how long this emotional jail sentence is going to be. Any help would be appreciated! Thanks!!

  • Sally High

    Sally High

    September 9th, 2015 at 3:20 AM

    Take a deep breathe. Realizing they are trying to spread their wings of independence, we as parents represent boundaries, consequences, set of guidelines. Understand that although it feels personal it is not. Try to better understand the hidden message behind what they are saying and not directly listen to the words.

  • maureen

    maureen

    September 11th, 2015 at 10:08 AM

    I would never say that this will be easy because I can assure you that after going through this with four kids now, there is nothing all that easy about it. But at the same time It can be so rewarding once you establish a new relationship with your children after they have grown into young adults and you can truly see what a wonderful specimen that you have helped to mold and create. They will be their own person with their own identity but at the same time if you can just weather the storm with them they are going to become fabulous young adults that I promise you will be so proud of.

  • Papa

    Papa

    December 22nd, 2016 at 3:51 AM

    Ok my daughter “hates” me. She probably thinks this is really cool. I am mortal and will die in time. Then all the times we might have had will be lost and she will be left without wonderful memories. Just hate that she is bringing no matter how much I try to stop it. This is not a wonderful life it sucks and I am sorry to be living it.

  • Alexis Hansen, LCSW

    Alexis Hansen, LCSW

    December 28th, 2016 at 4:54 AM

    Sorry to hear about your experience. Teenage years can truly be hellish, and I can feel your pain! Stick with your daughter and remember she is likely going through a tough phase in life. Be curious, maintain your rules, and otherwise try your very best to remember that she doesn’t mean what she says right now.

  • Deb

    Deb

    August 24th, 2017 at 8:15 PM

    I agree…life sucks without one of your children…I have 5 boys 19 to age 1….my 17 year old quit talking to me 3 months ago…I have no idea why….he only lives with his dad now….it’s sooo hard! And sooo painful to send texts that he won’t respond to..life is too short!

  • Solaceraya

    Solaceraya

    June 11th, 2018 at 8:27 PM

    6 years ago, my teen daughter left me after high school to live with her grandparents on her dad’s side (they are wealthy). She has never spoken to me again, wont respond to texts, blocked me on all social media. I never received any explanation whatsover why she would do this. I am so distraught over this, She was never even a bad teen, just one day decided that she hated me. All this talk of, just wait it out, they will come back to you, sometimes just doesnt happen, in my case it did not. I am extremely worried because I have 16yo who is much more emotional and hard to get a long with and I feel that she is going to do the same thing because she saw her older sister do this. I honestly am clueless why this happened and do not know how to handle my 16yo daugher, she says the cruelest things to me and treats me horribly. Nothing I do for her is good enough, she blames me for everything. I just feel like giving up.

  • MARTIN

    MARTIN

    June 12th, 2018 at 9:20 AM

    Solaceraya, I have given up. I haven’t given up on my daughter but I’ve given up trying to placate her because it just plays into her hands. I’ve accepted she’s immature, I’ve accepted she sees life in black and white with no room for any grey areas and certainly no room for any understanding. It’s really up to them to catch up with the rest of the world and not the other way round like I was pandering to.
    Keep your chin up, my older daughter was the same but I have a great relationship with her now she’s grown up!

  • Sara

    Sara

    August 1st, 2018 at 7:41 PM

    Hi Deb, I am in the same boat as you do. I have only one son. And I raised him on my own as a single mother. I was always focused on him, He turned 16 in January this year. He use to be a very lovely boy, always well behaved and well manners. but all of the sudden everything changes, he is very rude and very disrespectful. He said to me that he hates me and he wished that I die. Now he moved with his father. I called him but he blocked my number from his phone.I keep texting him, my first couple texts he ignores and never replied back. but for my recent two texts, he replied me back (and what he replied I can’t even write here) was very very bad language. I am so broken heart. And always keeps thinking that what I have done wrong? I am always worried about him. Miss him so bad.

  • Martin

    Martin

    December 29th, 2017 at 10:34 AM

    I feel less alone after reading of all your experiences. My 17 yr old daughter is so hurtful to me, she gets up and leaves the room when I walk in, she talks to me like dirt. She can see how much it hurts me but doesn’t seem to care. My wife has tried to reason with her but apparently I just annoy her. This makes me feel like I can’t spend time with the rest of the family because when I try, she just leaves the room. I feel so isolated,

  • Becky

    Becky

    July 22nd, 2018 at 5:52 PM

    Hi my name is Becky and i seen your comment about dealing with teenagers. Yours stood out to me the most and I’m hoping I could get advice or anything because it feels like there’s no help out there and I’ve got to deal with this alone. I’m going through the same thing with my 16 year old who’s behaviour changed just after mum mum and died died in 2015 he was getting sent home from school the lot but his behaviour changed rapidly about a year ago I’m in and out of court and police stations with him all the time (nothing serious). I would give him anything he asked for especially money just so i could get abit of peace but i stopped all the money because I’ve had it upto my neck with how he treats me. He smashes things in my house even on a good day weather his clothes are not ironed or cant find socks and hes smashed my things when i dont give him money so my sister said to stop all the money and i said no because he gets worst and she told me he does it weather i give him money or not so that opened my eyes a bit and thought she was exactly right. He would rather go out with his mates than do anything at all with me . He wakes in the morning goes out all day, comes home at night (iv told him 10.30 and hes never been late) and goes on his game. He’s got no interest in speaking a word to me. Now that I’ve stopped all money till he does something around the house he’s gone worst he won’t do anything for me and refuses to talk to me at all and starts coming in later than late and doesnt care what so ever if I’m worried or not. I’ve asked him why he’s treating me like this and he says because I don’t like you. I cry almost every day and night and wonder what my purpose is for living.
    Hope you can help. I would really appreciate it.
    Many thanks.

  • Chris (Dad)

    Chris (Dad)

    December 26th, 2016 at 11:45 PM

    every other weeekend Dad, 2 teenage girls 15 and 16. Poisoned by the mother. But i meed to get through to them.Could use some suggestions on how to have conversations that mean something. and ae fruitful. Suggestions?

  • Alexis Hansen, LCSW

    Alexis Hansen, LCSW

    December 28th, 2016 at 4:51 AM

    Hello Chris,
    Without knowing the situation , my only suggestion would be to have some empathy for the girls for being put in between both you and your wife. This may not be your fault, but it sounds like they still feel pressure to be on their mother’s “side” which can be a terrible position to be in for any kid. Recognize that their actions may not be their own and try your best not to respond with anger, but rather with curiosity about what their experience is like. It wouldn’t hurt to seek counsel yourself to help you navigate this situation.

  • Nadia

    Nadia

    February 21st, 2017 at 1:37 PM

    Teenagers are the devil. They need to be disciplined…… American teenagers are spoiled and need to learn some respect!

  • Janice

    Janice

    March 6th, 2017 at 7:58 PM

    I raised my son for 15 years, suddenly he decided to move in with his father. I had no warning, was in the middle of buying a house with a garage and workshop for him. He knew he was moving in with his dad for months and never told me. I now only see him every other weekend and one night a week. I miss him terribly and when I cry or try to tell him, he gets angry with me. I dont know why he does not miss me and why he gets upset when I say do you miss me. He had been getting very rude to me and sometimes wonder if it was Gods way of protecting me from it and now he is treating his dad the same way. I spoiled him rotten and treated him like a king. I hope he remembers one day. He told me he spent fifteen years with me and now he wants to spend some time with his dad. I am trying to be understanding and support him but feel like he abandoned me. sometimes on my weekend he wants to see his friends,,,it is hard as i look so forward to evey cherished moment. I am single so when he is not here I am alone but he always has one of us so i guess thats why he does not miss us as much. My heart has never been so broken and he can be so cold…I never dreamed a child that use to cry when I left the room could walk away by the time he turned 15 like he never had such a close relationship. Its like a death…..my worst nightmare all opinions are so welcome

  • Anonymous

    Anonymous

    March 11th, 2017 at 6:14 AM

    no need to worry, that is normal teenage behaviour. He thinks that he doesn’t need you but he will always approach you when in trouble, deep inside he knows that you truly care about him and can do anything for him, but he has started taking your love for granted, he knows that you will always be there for him. He is an adolescent right now as he grows up he will start valuing you again. Just make sure he doesn’t fall into bad company. Cheers :)

  • Janice

    Janice

    April 24th, 2017 at 8:10 AM

    Hi…thank you to all who took time to reply. Your advice and kind words are appreciated. I have seen some improvements in my son’s behavior in some situations. The funny thing is he had been getting angry that I was keeping some of his clothing in his room so he had things when he is here. He was very angry and Sked why I’m obsessed with withholding his clothing from him. I spent a fortune on his wRxrobe and only wanted to make sure he had some things here for going out fancy or for play. Last week I poked up all of his clothing…in Ludington stuff he does not wear often…suits ..belts old no fault of items cloths….pyjamas…..everything in his suitcases ND told him with genuine smile thato I had packed all his things for him. He was in shock….almost looked embarrazssed. I said that is what you waneed. ..he said…ya UT I did not think you would do it..or at least everything..just like that. I gave him what he wanted…gave up the fight…and suddenly I think he felt I did not care so much any more. He lost his power abd control. He was very taken back when he got what he tbiught he wanted….interesting. you never know what you had until it’s gone. Next will be some of his clutter from his room that I thought remind me he is still here while his room at his dads condo looks like a hotel. I am left with cages of lizards hamsters etc…none of wich were allowed to go to daddy’s house…but are they not his sons belongings…feeling used. But I am realizing g he is seeing now all what he had….but it does nit bring him home. Then last week wanted me to buy him cool clothing for summer. I tried to explain to him that now that is daddy’s job because now I am the one paying 800 dollars a month child support….he said but daddy always says no…we have to wait for sales. I
    My son took away my parenting tools….he isaid not here but expects the same rights. I am left feeling the pets…cleaning the cages…walking his dog…..he ditched us all. If his dad wanted him. ..he should have taKen all of the responsibilities that come with him.

  • Maggi

    Maggi

    April 20th, 2017 at 9:42 PM

    Oh Janice, I am so sorry you are going through this terrible pain. Please know that your love for your son is good and as mothers, our love for our children no not depend on them. You must trust that there is a Father in heaven that loves you and your son, and even your son’s father. You are not alone, there are so many mothers like you – we should have a group to encourage each other and pray for our children. God is good, He is very good.

  • Becky

    Becky

    July 22nd, 2018 at 6:01 PM

    Hi my name is Becky and i seen your comment about dealing with teenagers. Yours stood out to me the most and I’m hoping I could get advice or anything because it feels like there’s no help out there and I’ve got to deal with this alone. I’m going through the same thing with my 16 year old who’s behaviour changed just after mum mum and died died in 2015 he was getting sent home from school the lot but his behaviour changed rapidly about a year ago I’m in and out of court and police stations with him all the time (nothing serious). I would give him anything he asked for especially money just so i could get abit of peace but i stopped all the money because I’ve had it upto my neck with how he treats me. He smashes things in my house even on a good day weather his clothes are not ironed or cant find socks and hes smashed my things when i dont give him money so my sister said to stop all the money and i said no because he gets worst and she told me he does it weather i give him money or not so that opened my eyes a bit and thought she was exactly right. He would rather go out with his mates than do anything at all with me . He wakes in the morning goes out all day, comes home at night (iv told him 10.30 and hes never been late) and goes on his game. He’s got no interest in speaking a word to me. Now that I’ve stopped all money till he does something around the house he’s gone worst he won’t do anything for me and refuses to talk to me at all and starts coming in later than late and doesnt care what so ever if I’m worried or not. I’ve asked him why he’s treating me like this and he says because I don’t like you. I cry almost every day and night and wonder what my purpose is for living.
    Hope you can help. I would really appreciate it.
    Many thanks.

  • Lee

    Lee

    April 22nd, 2017 at 10:23 PM

    Yes Alexis its easy to say when you dont have kids. Its like teaching someone to drive when your instuctor has never been behind the wheel of a car. Kids are like flowers (Ihave 3 )You give them lots of sunshine and love and food and shelter and support there dreamsand goals. I love being a dad and having a family there is no greater gift.But one thing that my kids have to do is treat me with respect.I may not have my phd in child physic and I dont believe I need one. I treat others like I want to be treated.I try to be as understanding and reasonable as possible but on the other hand I have my limits.Like in the the words of Rose Kennedy “I give a lot and expect a lot” . If my kids disrespect myself or my wife I will not tolerate it for 1 sec and I dont need to be calm and patient and understanding.They wouldnt receive any special treatment in school or any organized sport or group so why would parents who give them everything besubject to that sort of treatment. Just because they are our children it doesn”t mean that they can control our lives.

  • Alexis Hansen

    Alexis Hansen

    April 23rd, 2017 at 2:21 PM

    It sounds like you have a good handle on parenting. I wrote this article in response to the many parents I have worked with who felt very hurt by their teens anger and either gave up on parenting them or reacted to them in an aggressive manner. As a non-parent, I recognize that I am no expert in parenting. However, I’ve supported a lot of parents in managing their own emotions as they parent kids who have entered the mental health system for one reason or another, and I’ve seen good results when parents take a step back and react intentionally.

  • Holly

    Holly

    April 24th, 2017 at 5:04 AM

    The BEST coaches in the NBA never played professionally. Alexis, keep counseling and giving advice. Non-parent or not, you are spot on. If you have helped even one parent you have added sunshine in someone’s life. I had a terrible fight with daughter last night and googled to find this. Thank you for your counsel. This was an excellent article and I am taking advice from it this. From one parent of many to a NON parent, I am grateful for your gift of wisdom.

  • Joshua

    Joshua

    June 26th, 2017 at 7:40 PM

    I dont know what to do. My 15 year old son tonight said in a calm tone he hates me and if I died he wouldnt care. This feels like the final straw in a battle I always felt I was losing. As a man I feel defeated and broken. I feel I have lost him. I feel weak for even writing this. I love my son but I feel like he has finnally crossed a line I cannot return from. Ever since my ex wife died of cancer he has changed. I am so angry she died and took my relationship with my son with her. For the first time in my life I feel helpless. I have no idea how to fix this. My younger daughter is doing so well and my fiancee loves him so much, our lives could be so good.

  • Jeanette

    Jeanette

    August 13th, 2017 at 6:26 AM

    Yes I know that feeling. I guess for me its getting criticism for doing the very best possible. I have a disability and still hold down a full time job, have a house and have brought my girls up with no family or ex partners. But even when I am sick for a day they are yelling at me, slamming doors, saying they hate me. I just feel parents always have to be 100% there for the kids but aren’t they also supposed to grow up to be caring individuals? I completely understand that they go through hormones, and school troubles, but honestly I would never have spoken to my mother this way and it seems children don’t need to have respect anymore. Parents are just supposed to keep loving them regardless of their behaviour, but my concern is, what if they really don’t have the ability to care? I mean if there is no respect for the many years you have been everything for them, how do you actually know they care? I realise things get said in haste by teenagers, but more and more it seems they have less remorse and we hope they care, but don’t really know, and there are no real expectations. I was brought up strictly with manners and now parents have greater pressures as well now. So, if there is no mutual respect, how is it everyone just believes they care when you don’t know. I understand how you feel Joshua. When they say they don’t care if you die or not. It may be in haste, it may be manipulative, it might be they were angered with something else, but it is not acceptable. Sometimes they come back and apologise but then is it truthful? Where does this thinking even come from? I have taught my girls not to go to bed angry, to accept anothers point of view, to communicate rather than react and to do what makes you happy as long as it doesn’t hurt others. I am not sure this has rubbed off on them now. The real test is when you are down, do they ignore you, kick you when your down, or hold out their hand like you have done for them growing up? I guess only this shows if they love and respect you or not. And no, I don’t believe being a good parent gives you a guarantee they will love you back. That’s why it’s so hurtful after years of trying to be the best parent, that you may have a child / teenager / young adult that has iced you out. Watching many others go through the hurt, sometimes they turn it around and sometimes they don’t. All that is getting me through now is to slowly make time for me. Be a good parent but as they get older, ensure you make time for you. Be kind to yourself. If they don’t respect you, call them on it. I have said nothing for too long as they are more forceful speakers than I am. I have decided that I won’t be shut down. I deserve to be treated as I treat them, with kind words and care. Fingers crossed. At least now I have my own outlets so my soul is not always being crushed by them. Thanks for listening.

  • dolores

    dolores

    August 21st, 2017 at 10:21 PM

    My kids are older, 23, 20, 17. My oldest seems to get it and appreciates me, but my two younger ones honestly hate me. I can never get it right. When they are home for the summer, I don’t even ask them to do anything around the house anymore, it’s not worth the aggravation, and they won’t do it anyway. I now have an empty nest, and I thought I would be so sad, but after awhile I get tired of doing for them and I never get a drop of appreciation back. I have tried to friend my daughter (17) on social media, only the sites that she doesn’t really care about like facebook, (not snapchat or twitter) she is friends with our whole extended family, but will not friend me, she has even blocked me. I know she doesn’t do much with facebook, so what is the big deal? She has even told me, “we are not friends in real life, why would we be on facebook?” They never acknowledge Mother’s day or my birthday, other than a text maybe. My middle one did remember my birthday this year and even got me a gift. He was even kind enough to sign his brother and sister’s name, and I made sure I thanked all of them and showed my appreciation. They never gave him the money for their part of the gift, even after I gently reminded them, more than once that they should payback their brother. My older one forgot, and my youngest, my daughter had no interest in wasting money on me, so I just gave my middle son all the money for it. I don’t need anything from them, but it would be nice to just be appreciated. I was lucky enough to stay home with them when they were little, and I loved it. I loved being a mom and I love my kids, just feels like I failed. At least they are kind to pretty much anyone who is not me, but still.

  • Carol

    Carol

    September 2nd, 2017 at 7:31 AM

    I really needed this article and the comments from parents. My normally happy teen is “icing me out” as others have mentioned. The pain I feel is unlike anything I was prepared for. I guess you could say I was not prepared at all because my child was so obedient and kind all of his life, until now. He tells us to “not take it personally” and that he is “just figuring things out” but how could he need to figure out that he loves his own parents??? We have done nothing different or wrong and he has had a wildly better life than we experienced and I don’t remember treating my parents like this at all. People always think we look like a model family but I just think, ‘You have no idea how my son treats me, with no smiling, ignoring us online and in person, one word answers, glaring, blaming us for every little thing, twisting things that have happened in the past that were perfectly good memories, treating us like are horrible, etc.” The pain I feel is all-consuming. This is the best article (and most understanding comments) of any I have read. Here is another article that has helped: professorshouse.com/would-it-hurt-your-teenager-to-smile/ Good luck to everyone. I know there are far more difficult situations than mine. I wish we could have a support group. Who knew this would be so very hard?

  • Paige

    Paige

    June 15th, 2018 at 4:05 AM

    Carol, It’s his teen angst, hormones, etc. that make kids change, or even think it’s “funny” to hurt us. Later, he’ll regret the pain he caused. (But that’s later.) RIGHT NOW: tell him you will always love him. Keep all conversations light (nice weather today!) DO NOT respond to a negative comment and don’t start one. This only leads to more fighting and resentment. Hang in there. I survived, so will you!

  • Alexa

    Alexa

    September 5th, 2017 at 7:50 PM

    Tonight my daughter told me that “everyone ” agrees that being around me is bad for her mental health. She blamed me for her depression and for her eating disorder; for her social problems and her pretty much everything else. Talking to me is bad for her health and everything I say is stupid. Her Dad left me and them 7 years ago and moved 3000 miles away but I am the problem. I have only tried to love her and do right by her. It is so easy to feel like a failure and hopeless. I have never loved anyone like her and her brother. Clearly, love is not good enough.

  • La J

    La J

    September 16th, 2017 at 3:44 PM

    Alexa, God bless you — I have heard this all summer from my 17 year old. I am the cause of all his troubles! Don’t take it to heart. It would be a mistake. They often contradict themselves, and it’s a sense of power they get from making you feel guilty and inadequate. As a single parent, myself, I know we second guess ourselves and our sense of inadequacy can be exploited. You must be doing a lot right, if she needs to tell you that. Courage! And thank you for your comment. It’s helped my sanity tonight, after another struggle with my son. We love them, and they know it, yet they push the limits…

  • Alexa

    Alexa

    August 28th, 2018 at 7:00 PM

    Somehow I never saw these responses until tonight. I hope your son is treating you better. My daughter came through most of the anger and acting out and is now at college. Just the first week, but she has been confiding in me and I can see that she knows who has been here for her. Thanks everyone for the responses. Hang in there everyone. xoxo

  • Maiken

    Maiken

    November 5th, 2017 at 2:11 PM

    Going through it myself with my older two. Left their father when they were babies over his domestic violence. He had more money and resources and took them away. Both kids distrust me. It’s really, really rough. Hang in there, both of you!!!

  • Tania

    Tania

    March 2nd, 2018 at 12:13 AM

    Alexa… Yes love is enough even when it feels wasted on them. My daughters father turned up in her life (behind my back) when she was 15. Within two months of meeting him she moved in with him. What followed was 18 months of sheer hell. She only spoke to me to yell and scream at me, blocked me from all social media, and was COMPLETELY disconnected from me and everyone who truly loved her. I got help from everywhere I could and never gave up on her. Slowly but surely she started to see where the love truly is. She’s home now – and still hates me – but in a way that all teenagers do. Guess who she comes to when she needs help though.
    So hard not to take it personally because it hurts so much but I just remind myself that she takes it out on me because she knows I will always love her regardless and that she can trust that love no matter what.

  • La J

    La J

    September 16th, 2017 at 4:03 PM

    Wonderful article and God bless you all for the helpful comments. Had another awful night with my son. As a single mother now, I struggle with a teen (16) who used to be a great kid, loving, a reader, listening to great music, from classical to all kinds, playing violin etc. Now he found ”friends” who smoke, drink, etc. and loiter. He gave it all up for them, and since one of them hates his mother, he hates me too. He tries to identify himself with them, for popularity. One of them has a dad who’s ”cool” and drinks, is permissive and the son goes to clubs from 14 overnight. Now my son thinks and tells them I am a psychopath because I worry and call him, sometimes get angry at him throwing away his future and wasting his life. He loathes to be told anything. After a serious illness and major surgery, he still doesn’t help me much at all, while, of course, showing off muscles all the time. Sadly, he has the least consideration possible, and he says he wants to be the opposite of me because I am a goody- goody and play the Christian. I try to take it all with a grain of salt, but not having another adult to support me, it does get to me and I cry a lot. I know I should try to keep calm, but it’s practically impossible. Thank you for saying that we shouldn’t give up. I will fight to the end, although it’s not easy to know how. I wish I knew how to keep him away from these ”friends.” No way, really… they are in the same school, and when he goes out, he meets with whomever he wants…. Hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. And most painful. Courage to all.

  • Maiken

    Maiken

    November 5th, 2017 at 2:13 PM

    Oh, I could have written 95% of this myself. :(
    I am so, so sorry. It’s difficult to be the “bad guy.” Going through it with my own 18 year-old son right now.

  • La J

    La J

    November 6th, 2017 at 7:38 AM

    Thank you Maiken — good to know we’re not alone. Hope and pray your son grows up (somehow I was hoping 18 was more sane! I guess it takes even longer…) Best wishes and thank you for your encouragement.

  • Karen

    Karen

    October 1st, 2017 at 5:22 AM

    Hello, I am very concerned for my grandchildren. You see my son is in drug rehab, his wife really could have used it also. They have a son 12 a daughter 9 and another son 3. I love them all the kids and even my son. But my son and his wifes drug issue have been a huge financial and emotional strain on myself and my husband who for the last 5 years has been 100% disabled. We support them 100% except for gov food stamps, thank God for those. They live within 15 min walking dist from us, in a house we own. I could give more history but I am worried about my oldest grandson. He has been disrespectful to his mom for the last 3 years its been a slow growing thing with saying you know why I hate you so leave me alone, which no one can get him to say what happened. But he has always shown respect when at my house he is calm and always follows house rules. But recently he constantly fights with his mom, leaving ang coming to our house then he refuses to leave. She has called the sheriff’s office several times to have him taken home. We try to support the whole family but its hard. He has gotten so much bigger this summer that him and his mom are closer to the same size. Now when she threatens him he threatens her right back.
    He is now at the point he cusses her out bad, and dares her to hit him in the mouth (I pray this is not happening)
    Today his 9 year old sister came to our home with him they were both upset. When the mom came they were both loud and cussing threats at her. At one point I had things almost calmed down when the 3 year old gets out of the car and points his little finger and said no mommy you lie mommy you bad go home, and I knew at that time something had to change before my son gets released, or my grandchildrens options change. Please if someone has an idea, wisdom, anything. We are praying. My 12 yr old grandson is so filled with anger, its consuming the other children im afraid.

  • Ren

    Ren

    October 14th, 2017 at 6:24 PM

    i have a 12 year old daughter and just had the worst night ever with her. All i was doing was trying to get her to help me do some housework and i got the “i hate you and i wish i lived somewhere else.” i admit i got really upset, i told her to go to her room where she has been since, a few hours later and i am still crying, its just me and i really don’t know how to handle this, please help!

  • Hilly

    Hilly

    March 9th, 2018 at 9:32 AM

    I hope things are better for you. I know that pain of rejection.

  • Ren

    Ren

    March 24th, 2018 at 8:25 AM

    thank you for the support, with the help of family and my daughter’s school things have got a lot better and our home is once again peaceful :)

  • Ren

    Ren

    August 28th, 2018 at 7:32 PM

    update..me and my daughter now get on amazingly well..her school helped me be able to sit down and talk to her so we were able to find out what was wrong and causing her to act the way she was..and with suggestions from my mum and friends as well like getting into the music she likes..its actully pretty good.. (i’m a fan girl at 39 hehe) but in truth its given us something thats pulled us back together..i hope this helps any of you..try and talk and try and find something you have in common..if not then just try and keep an open mind to things they are intrested in..weather this keeps working i don’t know but i am alot more hopeful of the future now. :) good luck and my best wishes to all of you <3

  • Estela

    Estela

    October 25th, 2017 at 9:28 PM

    It just hurts so much to feel my sons rejection. I understand that his teen’s brain is still developing and changing, and his emotional reactions are like a roller coaster, I try to be patient and understanding, but he can be very rude and insensitive, I ask God for strength and intelligence to survive this difficult period he is in.

  • La J

    La J

    November 6th, 2017 at 7:34 AM

    I can SO relate. This morning I have cried and barely felt able to do any work from the shock my son’s behavior can be. Sadly, I worry that he is in bad company or is smoking weed again, etc. He wants to rise back to the way he used to be, a boy with many interests, a reader, a classical musician, yet his friends drag him down. I represent the reminder of who he still is or could be, and he can’t stand being reminded. So I am the number one loathed enemy. Painful, but CAN NOT be taken personally. Deep down, they are different but can’t admit it right now. It’s like a mental disease. The more we detach emotionally and treat it like a symptom, the more success we may have and the more rational solutions can surface. God bless you and stay strong.

  • kim

    kim

    December 12th, 2017 at 5:36 AM

    Hi,
    I am going through **** with my 16yr old son at the moment. I am a lone parent and we have had a lovely relationship up until he was 15 but now I can’t talk to him without him biting my head off! He tells me he wishes I would commit suicide! He never wants to do anything with me anymore and he spends most of his time at his girlfriend’s house. I feel such a failure as a mother! Why doesn’t he love me anymore? he has no respect for me or our home. He refuses to tidy up after himself, which I can accept in his own bedroom but not every other room in our home! I try to be understanding and I encourage him to bring his girlfriend home and I invite her to many family occasions ( even though it is difficult to pay for a third person as I don’t get maintenance etc… from my ex husband) I often sit and cry to myself as I love him to bits but he pushes me further and further away. He loves spending time with her family and I wonder whether he resents me for not being able to give him the family he deserves, as it has only been the two of us from when he was a baby. His Dad didn’t choose to see him which wasn’t my choice for my son but he seems to want to punish me for it! I can’t see any end to this and it is breaking my heart. Please tell me this is normal teenage behaviour???

  • kim

    kim

    February 6th, 2018 at 11:21 AM

    Hi, I am going through **** with my 18 year old daughter, who is a senior. She is on the verge of failing her senior year. She was licensed last year in May, got a car, wrecked it in 4 days, it was totaled, got another, she has been in 4 accidents, smokes weed constantly. One accident I am involved in a lawsuit. Has a possessions charge for marijuana. She came home last Monday night, high as a kite, I took the keys and the car, since then, she said she hates me and is never coming back home. I have given her warning after warning, I haven’t slept in four days. The pain I feel is so immense, I can not stop crying.

  • Suzanne A.

    Suzanne A.

    May 26th, 2018 at 7:07 PM

    Kim,
    I’m so sorry you are going through this. I know that pain and I hope you find your way through it.

  • tammy t

    tammy t

    February 14th, 2018 at 7:09 PM

    its heartbreaking knowing you can give life to a child and one day they just decide they don’t love you anymore ! My daughter just turned 14 and I sware she has it out for me …..she looks up to her aunt but seems to degrade me as her mother …I feel like her aunt should have given birth to her they way she puts her up on a pedistool…just how I feel ..im almost positive her aunt downs me around her …..anybody else face these same issues ..my daughter hates me

  • Hilly

    Hilly

    March 9th, 2018 at 9:30 AM

    We are in despair with our 13-year-old who has Asperger. She has been difficult for a number of years, with episodes of rudeness that go well beyond normal limits. Now she says she doesn’t want to live with us any more and is making life awful for all of us, including her 15-year-old brother all the time. She has explained some grievances she has, mainly that we live in the country so she can’t walk to shops or friends’ houses, we have given her a lot less money than her school friends, and we are validating her feelings and trying to find compromises. When we do this, she says we are just horrible and she can’t live with us. I find it so hard not to get upset, even though I know this is not helpful. How can I feel less hurt by this and be able to keep my cool?

  • claire1357

    claire1357

    May 30th, 2018 at 11:40 AM

    hilly and everyone in pain
    So sorry to hear that you are suffering
    I guess every parent wants to know what is normal and what behaviour is an indication that things are not right and need special treatment, or whether the outcome of the relationship will be not what you have hoped and end sadly for you.
    I speak as someone who rarely has communication with my son in his 20’s; his choice. he does have problems and I understand and do not take it personally now. Suxh things may be out of our control. Life can still be good if we take steps to help ourselves.
    My advice would be to find books to work on yourselves and about parenting. Choose therapy to deal with your sadness if necessary, get the kids therapy if you think it will help. they may be able to talk to somebody else about what you cannot bare to hear.
    I also recommend the forum conduct disorders for parents who are having sustained problems. You will find support there and a lot of wisdom.

  • K3v1n

    K3v1n

    May 22nd, 2018 at 2:02 PM

    Thanks to everyone who has posted about your experiences with your teen. I was looking for any nugget of wisdom I could dig up and apply to my situation, wow, I found a whole mountain of wisdom from these comments. My 15 year old son is displaying some very destructive behavior. Caught at school with a marijuana pipe and had to appear before Teen Court. He is not abiding by the program or taking it or anything else serious. He is defiant to any type of authority right now, yes of course, with parents, family even our pastor. I guess I messed up by showing too much emotion and feeding into his power. I always look to God first anytime I am faced with a situation that I do not know how to handle but as we know the God plan often takes some time and I needed to hear something now. Makes me believe this article was an answer to prayer, God speaking to me through all of you, how cool. It eases my heart knowing that I am not alone and based on what I’ve read here today things do get better. Please don’t anyone hesitate for telling your story, your words may be an answer to someones prayer.

  • Anna

    Anna

    June 22nd, 2018 at 5:20 AM

    When did it become okay to allow such disrespectful behavior. I get the hormone aspect of it, but we all were teenagers at some point. In my day we would never think of disobeying our parents. The kids today, including my own, have NO regard for authority. They have a sense of entitlement and YES agree we most continue to love them but at what cost to our emotional well being. A mother’s love is unforgiving however, the verbal abuse that my teens display can really start to stretch that bond.

  • mom of 3

    mom of 3

    July 20th, 2018 at 2:48 PM

    I need some help with this too, My 14 year old hates me, and i have done nothing but love her and give her everything.. she chose to live with her dad after he walked out on us 11 years ago. he was never there but now can be father of the year and hes all happy she chose him. Every time she has problems, its my fault.. she seriously cant stand the sight of me… i like reading all these comments.. you guys have helped me alot

  • Dolores

    Dolores

    July 20th, 2018 at 4:18 PM

    I wrote a comment a about a year ago. Things were miserable in my home. One year later so much has changed for the better. My youngest went away to school and came back a completely different person. She sought out help all on her own. I just have to say what a complete pleasure she is now. For my birthday this year I just asked for everyone to write me a letter about a memory of me. I was blown away with how appreciative the tones in all their letters were. My point is, there is hope. Seriously my kids pretty much hated me, but with my daughter changing the dynamic of the family for the better, well, what a difference. Hang in there!

  • Vicki

    Vicki

    August 24th, 2018 at 6:26 PM

    I have a 17 year old daughter: Who doesn’t speak to me. We live in the same house. But we do not communicate. I have been very patient with her for 3 years. She came down with an eating disorder at the age of 14. The silence and rejection I’ve put up with. But I can’t any more. She will not communicate. She doesn’t want help. And my pain has reached its limit. So, forgive me if I don’t see any comfort in “hold on, they will one day come back” I’ve been strong. I’ve been alone and strong. But I’m tired. And I don’t like her. And I don’t know what to do.

  • Martin

    Martin

    August 28th, 2018 at 9:09 AM

    Hi Vicky, I don’t like my daughter either and I don’t take any comfort that she will be a nice person to me one day. I do take comfort in knowing I’m not the only one going through this horrible situation with someone you love.
    I grew up with respect for my parents and would never of dreamed about treating them as my daughter treats me. One day they will regret how they’ve behaved but it’ll be when they’ve made some mistakes for themselves and realise life is not so black and white! So don’t hold your breathe!
    Keep your chin up and take care.
    Martin.

  • Hilly

    Hilly

    August 28th, 2018 at 9:55 AM

    Hi Vicky, I’m so sorry to hear how hard things are for you. Like you and Martin, I also don’t like my daughter most of the time, even though I guess I still love her. What we are going through is traumatic and abusive and perhaps it helps to recognise this and realise it’s understandable if we are not coping well.
    I think the main thing you can do during this awful time is take care of yourself. I find that not all friends are helpful, but choose wisely and make sure you have some support from friends and family, as well as professional support to cope with the situation. This can help you to survive. Also do some good things for yourself: exercise, cooking yourself good meals, outings, whatever makes you feel good. In the end, we can’t force our children to behave like reasonable human beings, or even to accept the help they need, but we can minimise the effect their behaviour has on us, and if we are making sure we look after ourselves and even have some fun, that puts us in a stronger position. This makes us less vulnerable and takes away some of the power they have over us.
    And like Martin says, take comfort in the fact that you are not alone, and one day we will see ourselves as survivors who are stronger for what we have been through.
    Take care and treat yourself to something nice today!
    Hilly

  • Vicki

    Vicki

    August 28th, 2018 at 11:26 AM

    Thank you Martin & Hilly. It’s true that by doing good for yourself, it takes power away from them. I figure, if she won’t talk or share, well, I can do something I like that makes me happy. Or like you said, eat out or make something I enjoy. Watch a funny show. I’m done letting her inaction cause my suffering. Thank you again.

  • Sara

    Sara

    September 15th, 2018 at 8:29 AM

    Vicki, I am so sorry you are going through this. Just know, you are not alone. My parent coach friend told me once “never ride the roller coaster”. I seriously have to repeat this every. single. day. It’s important that our feet are firmly planted on the platform as they go upppp and doooowwwwn and around and around and around…eventually, the roller coaster will stop. Talking to many parent coaches in my life, I’ve learned what is the best approach and what could be the worst. Silence is the worst. It’s okay for a little while..give some space… however, I have found when my child goes silent, after some time has passed, I start talking to her. Not big questions or conversations. Little things like “Would you like to go to Target?” “Do you know where the yellow boots are?” “I’m going go to the grocery store.” Even if she doesn’t respond, I carry on like this is a normal, fully functioning house (fake it till ya make it!) ;) And eventually she comes around and starts chatting. At the moment, she is not talking to me…This seems to be the worst ‘episode’ so far. I blew her trust (cause she had blown mine) and I apologized so now I’m giving her space. We shall see. I wish you all the best….and I highly recommend a parent coach/counselor/therapist for you. For YOUR sanity!

  • Vicki

    Vicki

    September 16th, 2018 at 5:12 AM

    Thank you so much Sara. You’re right. Stay OFF the roller coaster. And silence for too long just makes for isolation & then you get to a place where you are dying of pain. SO, I have finally found some answers & it requires me to change my tone when speaking to her, do not bring up the problematic areas but bring up lighter things in trying to regain conversation. And laugh. Lighten up. Stay off the negative. Oh, and the best advice yet: Love; like you’ve never been hurt. Love overcomes all. It may take lots of time. But if I can do this, I believe things will begin changing.

  • Susan

    Susan

    October 9th, 2018 at 12:26 PM

    It has been just over a year since my husband has died, I am now an only parent & my daughter is 18 next month. I have supported my daughter in every way since the passing of her dad, in the recent couple of months my daughter has been getting really mad/angry with me, mostly when I say “no to her”, then she will call me horrible names. It is difficult as I do not have her dad or another adult to back me up or to explain why I had to say no. I am left as the worst person

  • Vicki

    Vicki

    October 10th, 2018 at 11:03 AM

    Susan, boy do I know how you feel. My daughter will go talk to my dad who lives next door, but give me the silent treatment. I am alone also to make all decisions. Been that way for years. But only lately she will not talk. We can drive in car & there’s never a conversation. I have learned to talk to her anyway. I do better with coping with it when I have others I can talk to and just take some time out for myself & do something I enjoy. When I feel like no one appreciates me, I decide, ” I am worth valuing even if I must do it myself.” Hope this helps…..

  • Lib

    Lib

    December 8th, 2018 at 6:33 PM

    I am in the same boat as all of you. My daughter and I have our moments and she is still only 12. I think what is most upsetting is that we didnt treat our parents this way. There was no way for us to be prepared for this! There was no social media, there were no computers, or cell phones. Our parents dealt with us with a firm hand and we knew what to expect when we got into trouble. There were no lawsuits, no DSS knocking on your door due to your teen calling them “because he or she got grounded”….therefore you are charged with mental and emotional abuse. Times have changed. In my opinion, not for the better. My mom always says that “raising kids is the toughest job you will ever have, but the most rewarding”. I tend to like the sign I have in my kitchen that reads ” Raising kids is like being pecked to death by a chicken”

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