I Was Once My Husband’s Mistress. Now I Can’t Trust Him!
Dear Other Foot,
Thanks for your question. Six years is a long time to be living with this kind of uncertainty! And not only is this situation more common than you might realize, but the concept of certainty, or security, is often at the heart of this existential dilemma—which is something all of us want and need, though it often proves elusive.
When we begin an affair with someone who is unavailable (via marriage or otherwise), there is certainty in the fact we definitely want him or her but can’t. This creates a very specific kind of focus around the question, “Will he or she leave or not?” If the answer is “yes,” very often it seems to be “evidence” of our worthiness: that we and not the other woman (or man) is the winner. We may start to feel resentful of our lover’s spouse, thinking he or she doesn’t deserve the one we love. There may be guilt, too, or most likely a mixture of conflicting feelings and desires.
Then one day it happens, and he or she is ours—except the imagined happy life we’d been yearning for isn’t exactly all that; it may even be more complicated, our feelings difficult to untangle. It’s common that, rather than wanting the partner to choose us, we find ourselves preoccupied with “proof” that the past will not repeat itself, that our beloved will not leave us for someone else.
The reasons for this are varied, and some or none or all of what I’m about to say will apply to your situation. Take what you like and ignore the rest. But just know that this kind of thing happens more often than is discussed (for obvious reasons).
There is a safety (i.e., certainty) in becoming involved with someone who is unavailable; we can love while focusing on the wanting, rather than the vulnerability that comes with actual availability. I don’t think we’re to blame entirely; this arrangement usually fits a template of our early experiences where caregivers were sporadically or consistently unavailable. It is absolutely thrilling to be chosen over an “outside” person, in a reversal of what we experienced earlier, where caregivers appeared more interested in things besides us (another child or family, for instance), which of course is a terribly painful abandonment that follows us into adulthood in the form of insecurities, needs, hopes, etc. To be chosen over another appears to be a reversal of abandonment that lands us on solid relational ground at last. We can then finally create or co-create the well-founded home we have dreamed about.
But how solid is it? After all, we might then ask, “Well, if he or she left his/her spouse before, who’s to say he/she won’t do it again?” Behind or beneath this question are a slew of factors that I think may be worth some serious reflection, either alone, with a trusted friend, or with a counselor. I would suggest doing this before going to your husband to verbalize any concerns.
It can be disconcerting that certain fears never go away. We learn to live with them, tolerate them, but they can never be banished, especially if we experienced relational traumas early on, such as abandonment, neglect, or abuse. We may have felt unabandoned when he or she chose us, but the underlying fear—because it is rooted in our own histories and psyches—hasn’t been banished, leaving us to wonder if we may, in fact, be abandoned yet again. The “proof” we were seeking is not, it turns out, as iron-clad as we hoped; there are no guarantees he or she won’t leave us for someone else. (There is never such a guarantee, actually.)
The traumatized, wounded part of ourselves needs to be heard, and this is, in part, a way of announcing itself. The critical voice within may attack us (or our partner) for the “wrongness” of what happened (“how could you be so selfish or reckless,” etc); there may be guilt about how this relationship has come to be, but most often this, too, is connected to the terror of abandonment (i.e., a repetition of actual past abandonment), and our yearnings for connectedness are suddenly subject to self-doubt, and questions arise about whether we’re worthy of happiness. (“You’re not all that; you’re a cheater, too,” and so on.) Of course, certain qualities or behaviors of our partner may stoke these fears, but if we truly, at the core, did not trust this person, we would never have pursued him or her. These fears are spurred for the most part by the historical trauma I’m discussing herein. We may zoom in like a laser on possible “signs” of such abandonment happening and interpret them as such, stoking our anxieties, but the cause of it is usually a terror of yet another experience of being left behind.
It’s something of a cliché in our pop culture to believe that (as Sting once sang), “if you love someone, set them free.” But the existential truth, I believe, is that we really do have to give our partners the dignity of their choices, and your partner has chosen to be with you now. That same respect is due us, since I believe that the majority of us are not malevolent and are, in the main, doing the best we can. Why not give the relationship a chance? It probably has a better chance if you take the risk of trusting him; otherwise, it could become a self-fulfilling prophecy where fear and anxiety suffocate any chance you might have. We can’t always help who we love; the point is to understand our choices rather than simply give them the thumbs-up or -down. I think the more important question is why we choose who we choose, rather than it being “right or wrong” (which only obscures the deeper issues).
Of course, once you have a clear sense of what those underlying motives are—once you understand what “your side of the street” looks like in terms of facing your inevitable psychological demons—then you might be able to reveal your vulnerabilities to your partner and verbalize what does and doesn’t help you in your personal quest for healing. (For example, “Do you mind telling me where you’re going for the time being? I appreciate you indulging me in this as I work on myself.” As opposed to, “Where are you going? Who are you seeing? What are you up to?”) Our partners can greatly support but cannot replace that healing process. In a way, we need these types of things to show us where the healing needs to occur. The danger is in expecting that a relationship can supplant past injuries. Vulnerability is inevitable.
Paradoxically, making peace with the worst of the past seems tied to a more secure future. Thanks again for writing.
Please fill out all required fields to submit your message.
Invalid Email Address.
Please confirm that you are human.
DaphneDecember 5th, 2014 at 11:21 AM
I will not say that I would never be a man’s mistress because I guess that the opportunity had never been there for me, but I would be like you. Always questioning and second guessing his moves because I would always think that if he did it to someone else then I suppose he could do it to me too.
RosemaryDecember 5th, 2014 at 4:27 PM
The reason for Other Foot’s insecurity seems pretty obvious and quite reasonable to me. If you marry a cheater, then you are married to a cheater, and you know it. She might reassure herself by remembering that he chose her – but once upon a time he chose his first wife, too.
TeenaAugust 22nd, 2016 at 3:34 PM
Your last sentence is the best I have read on this site. Thank you
Sharon bFebruary 21st, 2017 at 7:27 AM
If a man cheats over and over with different women he will always cheat: but the sad part the last one got pregnant and later on his wife divorced they tried several times In getting back together he was still sleeping around: then he goes back to one of them that had a baby by him and they get married ; if he cheated multiple times on his first wife he will cheat on the second ; there is no way a man like that can be trusted : and the wife always went after married men broke two homes up what does she expect out of this marriage
NikkiDecember 5th, 2014 at 8:29 PM
I tried feeling sympathy for you and came up with nothing.
LauraDecember 5th, 2014 at 8:52 PM
Careful what you wish for and it sucks to be you. As a betrayed spouse, I say its your karma. Live with it like I had to.
TeenaAugust 22nd, 2016 at 3:35 PM
Touché Laura 💖
jacobDecember 6th, 2014 at 10:01 AM
Perhaps that insecurity is because you know just how easy it was for him to be led to another…?
MaryDDecember 7th, 2014 at 4:16 AM
I think I know how you feel.What’s bothering you is you married a man with a lack of character and integrity .When most people meet and date, the courtship before marriage gives you time to get to know you spouse and build trust and if they broke that trust, like not being faithful during their courtship or lying or how they treat others would lead you to decide if you wanted to get married or not to them.A long time ago I briefly dated a married man, but I did t want him to leave his wife for me cuz I knew he was not trustworthy and he had kids, too guilt provoking. I met someone else 6 months later who had been divorced and was a faithful person, it was such a relief. At any rate your husband probably does love you and its a rare man who will leave his wife for his mistress. You are ruining your marriage and punishing him with your lack of trust.Sure you went through some negatively when he was trying to make up his mind but he married you.I bet this situation put him in a lot of turmoil too but he did the right thing .He stopped cheating on his wife and he married you , he didn’t keep you in limbo forever.If he was a real womanizer he wouldnt have married you and you need to stop acting like he cheated on you.Your lack of trust will build a wedge between you and have you ever heard of a self fulfilling prophecy? Are you creating an uncomfortable environment for him that might lead him to want out? Being not trusted all the time is kinda mean.If you really think he is a promiscuous man than leave.But it might surprise you to know that most women get insecure about if husband is faithful from time to time.
justinDecember 8th, 2014 at 10:39 AM
None of us can judge the decisions that you made. You met this person, you fell in love and sadly you had to break up one marriage to get to yours. It’s common and it happens but I don’t think that this lets you off the hook. You have seen together what the two of you are capable of and that doesn’t make you feel too good. Understandable. Now you have to decide if this was all worth taking those chances.
LissaJuly 1st, 2016 at 6:11 PM
He broke up his own marriage.
JuneNovember 8th, 2016 at 10:38 PM
“….you had to break up one marriage to get to yours. ….” I believe the woman had no say in the breaking of the marriage because I believe it is the husband who has to file the divorce papers appear in court and settle with the judge. I get sick and tired of women blaming other women for broken marriages . My husband left me and married his affair partner but he’s the one who had to show up in court not her. Women stop blaming other women for your broken marriage and this is coming from a woman whose husband left her and married his affair partner.
LisaNovember 9th, 2016 at 2:10 PM
Do two wrongs make a right? Each spouse is at fault for the breakdown of their marriage. It is the cheating spouses fault for making a very poor, immoral and selfish choice. For the OP to be involved is deplorable. Maybe the OP didn’t or did know the person they were or are with was married…but the ugly deceitful truth comes out eventually. When the OP finds this out and continues to stay is sickening…As it put…following the ways of the world. If you are the OP you have no respect for yourself to begin with…no morals or values so I guess it’s good to say you don’t care about anyone else…just your selfishness. I for one would never cheat to begin with and if I were to find out I’m the other person…I’d run like crazy instead of staying. WHY be apart of a troubled marriage? Why even hurt another human being…children….such devastation and destruction to another humans life? For what…selfish pleasure that most likely won’t last? Someone’s spouse is not another person’s soul mate!!! I’m sorry to hear that your husband married the OP but honey…I doubt it will last. It will end up in Divorce most likely. Timing. Just because the spouse strays…gives no one right to participate…it’s sad really…Most people thst chose this path are so screwed up and the OP is screwed up just as bad. Two mentally and spirituallly unhealthy people….good luck in life…it will fail. It is also sickening when the OP tries to hold on when it’s over…I know…my husband came back and the pathetic woman had a hard time letting go…I guess so when what you had originally, was never meant to be theirs in the first place. These OP need to find an unattached person to get involved with…then they might find happiness. If I were the OP…I’d feel like such a total sh$t..I wouldn’t be able to look at myself without complete and utter disgust.
HeatherDecember 8th, 2014 at 12:14 PM
I am dating a married man, and am married myself. We have been seeing eachother for 2+ yrs. His behaviors are concerning me thru social media, women being overly friendly etc. We communicate thru Viber and text all the time but our picture bubbles dont show our faces to be safe when txts come up on our phones. He recently had a business trip abroad and texted me most of the time but I noticed that he friended a beautiful asian girl on his fb while he was there.. Today on his way home (flying) I noticed that he changed his Viber bubble to show his face….which he knows is not safe for sending me messages..Also Viber is used for people to communicate internationally. Could it be that he hooked up with this Asian woman and now wants to be able to communicate with her? Am I crazy? Why would he change his viber picture to “his face” on the very day he was returning from Philippines??? Help!!! Am I reading into this too much??
LilySeptember 30th, 2016 at 6:20 AM
Hi Heather.not judging you.but.he’s cheating on his wife with you.So what makes you think he’s not going to cheat on you too. Once a cheater always a cheater..
adamDecember 9th, 2014 at 4:08 PM
Think of how your husband must feel
he is probably thinking some of the same things that you are
AlysonDecember 12th, 2014 at 10:44 AM
The numbers can’t be good in terms of history repeating itself. Just like if you are divorced once there is a greater likelihood that you will divorce again… I would suspect that the chances are greater that if you have cheated on someone once then you could do it again. For some people it is all about the chase and the deception… that is where the excitement is for them.
JuliaDecember 27th, 2014 at 11:51 AM
and now you think that you are punishing him for something that you were just as involved with???
The wifeMarch 21st, 2015 at 7:37 PM
Dear Cindy of Rockford, IL. I was the one who’s husband you slept with during the last 4 years of our marriage. I am the one who’s life you ruined. My 3 sons have suffered greatly because of what you and Dave decided to do. You cheated on your own husband, who loved you so much, and traded him for the looser you’re with now. I agree with you, Karma is a b$*%$#, so hold on b*&$%#, because you’re in for a ride!
ReneeJuly 19th, 2016 at 1:17 AM
Your life isn’t ruined unless you allow it to be. Sometimes when you lose you win and sometimes when you win you lose. God took this loser away from you….thank him. I pray for healing for you and your family. Success is the best revenge…life is short make the most of it….you will love again. You and your kids will be fine with God’s help. Nobody belongs to us everyone is on loan…we all go back to the creator in the end and we go alone. God is your constant and your everything….be blessed in Jesus name. Seek ye first tge kingdom of God and he will add everything else.
SandyJune 6th, 2015 at 9:20 PM
I don’t have much sympathy for people in this situation I have been hit on by players and recently a married man I couldn’t get involved with them, I don’t want the problems that result from these unions and I respect myself too much to do it.
RhondaAugust 13th, 2015 at 7:25 PM
NO WOMAN SHOULD EVER LOWER HER STANDARDS AND SETTLE FOR AN AFFAIR WITH A MARRIED MAN. YOU GET WHAT YOU ASK FOR. IF A MAN WILL CHEAT ON HIS WIFE….HE WILL CONTINHE TO CHEAT. THE PROBLEM IS NOT THE WIFE IT IS THE MAN. I DONT FEEL SORRY FOR ANYONE THAT TRIES TO TAKE ANOTHERS WIFE OR HUSBAND. LESSON HERE IS DO NOT BORROW ANYONE ELSES CRAP. BUY YOUR OWN.
GodsChildNovember 22nd, 2015 at 7:15 AM
Amen!! Couldn’t have said it better myself!
MariaAugust 23rd, 2015 at 8:33 AM
I’ve been the side girl before and broke things off because I was tired of feeling so wrong. Once I moved past this guy (on and off for almost 3 years-he was in a relationship the last 8 months.) I became interested in who is now my husband. He was in a relationship, one he claimed he tried to get out of but when accused of cheating, he would cling. Now, I assume he held on solely because she was a “suga momma” as she was constantly buying him things and saving him money. He started to show interest in me and one day we hooked up after becoming friends. He claimed he left her which I found out a few months later that he was still texting her in mornings after leaving my house and call her before arrival. She called me, told me that he broke up with her night before (4 months after he said he broke up with her). When I confronted him, he held nothing back to my knowledge but then again, he just sat back and confirmed the information i had was correct. It’s been a year and a half. He’s bought me a vehicle, and we are now married. I still battle trying to trust him again though nothing has really made me need to feel this way recently. He still deletes his phone history just as your man does but I was allowed all access to his phone, email, and social media (which he finally got rid of). I haven’t scoured lately but if I did, it would be his email.
Not all of us women are vengeful bitches. Most of us are just looking to be held and we end up in situations where we shouldn’t. (Most don’t learn of situations until they’ve already fallen because the trickery of these men is far beyond our immediate expectations)
I wish all gets well and everyone finds peace in whatever your situation might be. It’s hell living everyday with demons. Especially when brought on yourself.
GodsChildNovember 22nd, 2015 at 7:27 AM
No good end comes to those who interfere in someone else’s marriage. My best friend was married and her husband cheated. They eventually divorced because of it and he married his mistress who he’s still married to today. During the breakup of my friends marriage, a married man began to pursue her. Before she knew it, she was herself in love and involved with a married man. Soon the guy’s wife found out and his marriage fell apart. My friend married him. BIG mistake! He continued to cheat with other women and my friend was never at ease in the relationship. She soon also discovered she had an incurable STD. She divorced him and gave her life to Christ and apologized to the guy’s first wife. She is now happily married but she will carry the STD as a painful reminder of why she shouldn’t have ever gotten involved with a married man. Be warned: if the person will cheat on their mate with you, they will cheat on you with someone else. God bless!
EmpathizerDecember 9th, 2015 at 2:18 PM
So many judgemental people replying to this. Had any of you actually experienced childhood trauma or abandonment, you’d sympathize with the response here. Nobody is a malicious or bad person with bad morals on purpose. Nobody wakes up one day just wishing they could break up a marriage and feel a complex bout of guilt and shame. With or without abandonment issues, it’s hard enough to make the honorable choices all the time. With abandonment or trauma issues, though, seeking validation with someone – anyone – is an instinct, not a right-vs-wrong choice. Perhaps we could all start seeing affairs as a mental illness, and not as an opportunity for a slut shaming.
Makes You ThinkMarch 19th, 2016 at 1:55 PM
Empathizer- It is not a mental illness. It is a severe lack of morals and character. They do wake up every morning thinking of ways to further their own selfish goals. You are no empathizer, you are an enabler. I’ve had more trauma and abandonment in my life than most, none of that would ever make me cheat or manipulate a married person into destroying his/her marriage purely for my own benefit or self esteem. Are you telling me as an adopted individual who has her share of abuse and neglect I shouldn’t have the ability to tell right from wrong choices? Don’t make me laugh. Cheating men and women and their partner are selfish, only caring about about themselves. Notice how the OP had no problem being the other woman, yet now that the shoe is on “the other foot” she has a problem? They are proud to be the other woman, tearing down a wife, destroying a family, all in a day’s work for these monsters. You want to feel good about yourself? Go ACCOMPLISH SOMETHING. Need self validation? Go HELP SOMEONE. It is truly amazing to me how mistresses marry their cheating jerk and think ” oh my gosh he might do the same to me?!” Karma is not a b!+(#, it is the great equalizer. I bet he is cheating, she knew exactly what he was capable of and married him anyway. I don’t feel bad for her or sympathize one bit. Where was her sympathy for the marriage/family she helped destroy? This isn’t about slut shaming, it is complete disgust that a human being could stoop so low until they are themselves in the position they put someone else. Selfish, horrid, abhorrent people. Go find your own man, a real man. Not the cheater who would cheat again, I assure you, if given the opportunity. She brought this on herself. Pathetic woman, no sympathy at all.
ReneeJuly 19th, 2016 at 1:48 AM
Empathizer….you’re in line with God’s heart….it’s all about God….only he knows the way someone takes….I’ve been hurt and betrayed but chose to be happy and live life….I don’t want to waste energy on hate it’s like drinking poisen hoping the other person gets sick. Hopefully they will heal…it’s a terrible blow buy not worth being a betty broderick over.
Sweep your porch!April 2nd, 2016 at 3:24 PM
A comment for Makes you think. May God have compassion for you in your judgement! Are you such a perfect person that you feel that you have the right to judge another? Do you live your life so perfectly in every way that you never make mistakes? It seems to me that you would quickly “write off” even a good friend if they make such a mistake in their life. I pray that you can continue to be this perfect person that only you in your own mind think you are. May God have mercy on you some day when you find yourself in a position where you need it and you, too, have made a mistake.
BrokenApril 30th, 2016 at 3:25 PM
I just found out my husband has been cheating with an old friend of his. It’s been going on for pretty much a year. I’m so angry, he has no remorse for his actions. We have 3 kids and one on the way. I don’t know what I am going to do. I feel like I failed at life. I hope his mistress gets it back 10 fold.
ReneeJuly 19th, 2016 at 1:26 AM
Hurt people hurt others…..don’t wish for revenge, becsuse all have fallen short of the kingdom of God….she didn’t do this to you he did….he had the commitment with you and if it wasn’t her it would be another and it’s not your fault….sometimes when you lose you win. Live your life and be happy vecause before you know it it’s over…grieve for a moment and be happy. Life really is short it’s not worth the rest of your life. Be blessed in Jesus name.
Linda gOctober 18th, 2017 at 6:22 AM
My ex left me 3years ago ,I still miss him but he and his misstress put me through **** with all the lies and deception I hope they burn in **** for the pain they caused.
Lisa M.April 30th, 2016 at 8:20 PM
Listen Empathizer and Sweep Your Porch…did your husband leave you for a marriage recker..do not say for God to have compassion on us for judging…..you need compassion because these enabling women who help ruin a marriage by not finding their own man…have to prey on troubled men or troubled marriages…think God wants divorce…READ the bibles you sick women
..cheaters and their paramours are selfish…non moral and values type of individuals…This home wrecker had kids from 2 different men…got involved with a married man…never once thought about me or my kids…I pity her children…they will grow up to be home wreckers also…before you both speak…think about what you say…think about the one who has been cheated on…go see a therapist if you have abandonment issues…go see a therapist for any issues…everyone has them…even myself…but the difference between me and my ex and his TRAMP…I would and could NEVER hurt anyone the way I’ve been hurt…never be that immoral…God will judge eventually….so they might as well enjoy sinning on this earth…read the BIBLE…they will perish…so deserved.
ReneeJuly 19th, 2016 at 2:01 AM
Lisa….you wouldn’t hurt someone or do that to another???? , but you will hurt God by not practicing his will….if you don’t forgive you will not be forgiven….yes you have suffered greatly….but you must forgive not for them but for you….it’s the hardest thing to do….very hard…ask God to help you….please enjoy the rest of your life….with your children who need you now.
Lisa M.April 30th, 2016 at 8:33 PM
Pretty big ” mistake” as you call it just a mistake…These relationships don’t last as so deserved not to. What RIGHT do you have to say may God give me compassion….was your life altered….your heart broken…your children messed up…because of two selfish disgusting human beings…my ex is not a man…a coward…His woman is not a woman…a tramp…feel for the cheated..not the cheaters…obviously you both are delusional…self centered and sick…hope you find out what it’s like to be cheated on…then maybe you wouldn’t post such stupid and moronic replies…don’t mention the word GOD here…because really believers and followers would never make these disgusting…selfish and pigish choices.
ReneeJuly 19th, 2016 at 1:34 AM
Life isn’t about cheaters and mistresses….God tests people. It’s all about God and nothing else. Does a mistress need to love herself and have more self esteem? Do you need to learn how to forgive and pray for people….we come into this world alone and leave alone….seek ye first the kingdom of God…..It’s all about God everyone is on loan here and borrowed time and then it’s over. I bet if you learned you were going to die in a week you would be thinking about other things that are truly important. Life is short and it’s over before you know it…..live your life….yes it’s hard and you were hurt….we’ve all been hurt and betrayed but it’s not worth a lifetime of pain….no way…..live and be happy and find out what God wants you to do….that’s all that matters. I’ve been hurt in so many cappy ways….but I refuse to waste what life I have left on being unhappy….it’s not about people it’s about God and only him.
SoniaMay 16th, 2016 at 4:57 PM
Nope, no sympathy here.
LindaMay 18th, 2016 at 7:55 PM
I have no sympathy for anyone who cheats on their spouse. If they are not happy in their marriage they should try to work it out with their spouse or go for counselling and if things are still not good they should be honest with their partner and break apart rather than wasting their spouse’s time. I was cheated on and my ex did not communicate with me at all about how he was not happy so I figured all was OK. Then he spilled the beans at a cozy local restaurant that he had found his “soulmate”. We had been married 20 years and I was devastated and humiliated because it seemed everyone but me knew what was going on. He wasted my time, led me and our children on that we were OK, and I am a senior. It us not easy to find a good man at my age and I know I am a bitter person over this although I try not to be. He is still with her, living together now for 5 years.
ReneeJuly 19th, 2016 at 1:37 AM
I’m sorry for your loss….put God first….he will take care of you and love you….nobody will ever love you like Jesus…..will….he is all that matters make him your everything and he will take care of the rest and bless you.
LissaJuly 1st, 2016 at 6:13 PM
People talking about karma? Well what did you do to receive the karma of someone cheating on you? That should be your concern.
Lisa MJuly 2nd, 2016 at 4:19 PM
Listen Lissa…what’s the saying…The nice guy always finishes last. Myself as a betrayed spouse did nothing for my husband to have an affair…we are both to blame for the marriage break down…and I could of easily went out and had an affair…but that is just not my character…Unfortunately it was my husband’s. All I can say is I hope and I believe in Karma…it takes two…and I know my husband is mostly at fault….but the poor excuse for a woman…who knows is really pathetic…can’t they get an unattached man all by themselves? In my case…The OW has 3 kids…no man so what does that tell you…One she couldn’t keep any of those father’s of her kids in the first place…and to be involved with a married person…that is so low class. There are obviously people today that have no conscious…no self respect for themselves…or the poor children if they see different men come and go out of their parents beds. Sad really. Not all but the majority of men wake tfu and realize the.the huge mistake they made and go back to their wives…that is…if they take them back. So I have no empathy…no sympathy for a woman or a man who gets involved with someone who is married…is it worth it..getting hurt in the long run…hurting your children if you have any? Maybe that is Karma enough…but just think of this…what if the other person were to be cheated on…wouldn’t feel nice now would it? I wouldn’t wish this on my worse enemy…and its sad…we are women…we are to support one another…not knife eachother in the back…what goes around…comes around…and when you do something that disgusting and immoral…you get what you deserve…and maybe the OP should get some councilling or start going to church..everyone has issues…but no one can blame that type of actions on anything than pure selfishness..no self respect and a true lack of morals. That’s why the saying goes…karma is a b**** and it usually is.
As for the betrayed…If husband and wife try to save the marriage and sometimes it can be done and a better marriage in the long run…or simply walk away and live a healthier better life. In the long run…The big picture…The betrayed comes out winning om the top. The cheater whonstsys with the OP is not necessarily happy…and I can only imagine the OP fears of waiting for it to happen to them…they are the losing persons in the long run.
ReneeJuly 19th, 2016 at 1:40 AM
The rapture is at hand…..put God first he will take care of you ….he loves you so much. You are not alone.
JessicaJuly 9th, 2016 at 7:44 PM
Everyone seem to blame the mistress, what about those wife’s that ignore their husband for years and then when they realize someone else called their attention then they want to be the best wife in earth. Being a mistress is one of the most sad feelings out there. Even mistresses have feelings and are human beings. Stop judging the mistress instead find the root of the problem. If marriage fail it was not the mistress fault. Maybe wife was lazy, too boring, etc! I been a wife and a mistress; same pain, I been betrayed; I cried, being a mistress I cry all holidays etc. every situation is unique, I haven’t destroy a marriage; they still together 11 years later; why because I have a heart; but I also love that man; so who to blame? My unhappiness is my karma; my happiness is my life! Perfection does not exist. I was a great wife too by then cried rivers, so who to blame? Me bc I never wanted sex! J push that man out of my life and raised two kids alone. It was all my fault not the other persons fault. She simply gave love to someone unhappy!
Lisa M.July 9th, 2016 at 8:43 PM
You call that giving love? I call it being desperate! I have been the betrayed wife…you say you have? Which were you first? The betrayed or the mistress…because let me tell you…after being betrayed honey…I would never ever inflict the pain…anguish…devastation on my worst enemy. The emotions that I have gone through, and still going through…I would never do that to another woman. My husband is first most to blame, but the woman he was with was not much better, and you know the saddest part, he woke up and left her and asked to come back home. Don’t get me wrong, I do not like her, sometimes I hate her…but mostly I pity her. Most times a mistress ends up lonely and they have no one…NO ONE to blame but themselves…mistresses are playing with a married person…they are really…on loan. Sometimes these unhealthy affairs work out…but most times they don’t…why? No relationship built on deceit, lies, hurting another innocent human being…does it ever work out happily ever after. I was not lazy or boring..I loved my husband…get it…”husband!” Not your husband…my husband! He was never the mistresses in the first place. There were problems in my marriage…but not once an excuse to do what he did. He was weak to go that path…and destroy the best thing that he had. A living family…losing a respectable and loving wife…With morals and values…a respected person..for what..A woman the exact opposite. Maybe that’s the problem with these so called “mistresses”…I have a few colorful words other than that term…what man or woman that would get involved with a married person has morals and values and respects themselves….really now…think about that. Obviously my husband has some self respect issues of his own. No one in an affair ends up a winner…and certainly not the undeserving spouse on the betrayed end. I guess you had your karma…which has ever come first…and I hope you were the mistress first and not the latter…wakes one up to see the destruction they helped caused I pray. I am in counselling for this…obviously you should do so yourself. I am messed up from this…but let me tell you…If I was apart of the affair….I would be messed up even more…it would kill me to know what I have done to another woman…because let’s face it…it’s a wife’s worst nightmare. My husband’s OM…sometimes I feel bad for her…cause he woke up and left…but she is single for a reason…and probably will be until the next victim comes along. Good life she chose her herself and three kids with three different dad’s…a drinker to boot…so really…why cant she get a single man of her own…or one to actually stay…go figure eh?
ReneeJuly 19th, 2016 at 1:53 AM
Forgiveness is one of the hardest things to do and everyone on earth is guilty of sin. Please ask God to teach you how to forgive and release yourself from this prison. None are righteous and we all need to be forgiven and forgive….don’t waste life….it’s a gift that ends someday…..
NikAugust 16th, 2016 at 8:13 PM
Those that are harping on the women who’ve been hurt….. Your probably the side b*tch….
LisaAugust 25th, 2016 at 4:16 AM
Thank you for your kind words Renee…I am trying very hard to work on forgiveness…I will pray harder also…it is very difficult at this time. I am trying to forgive my husband…and that the same time the OW…but right now I HATE her with a passion…and I’m only hurting me. She deserves pity actually…she is a messed up woman…I just pray she doesn’t hurt anymore women again.
reginaDecember 22nd, 2016 at 9:49 AM
my husband have one night stand with my friend, Im mad but I stay calm, the reason my husband cheat only to have sex, so I tell this to my friend husband, and he is going mad and punch my husband, but I dont defence him, I talk to my friend husband that he is not happy with he is having illness, omg I show the interest in him and he have interest in me too, so I take care my friend husband, soon after he heal we decided to leave our spouse and live happy, this is not my fault but my husband and friend fault
alexJanuary 26th, 2017 at 7:35 PM
my wife is professional mistress. We live live together for 7 yrs as we have happy married life even though she meets her clients. Many married couples meet her
I don’t think any wrong for meeting married person with mistress.
Lisa MJanuary 27th, 2017 at 8:28 AM
It’s your life…
Maybell WApril 18th, 2017 at 6:17 AM
I absolutely like this website. Keep writing!
DONNAApril 27th, 2017 at 6:20 PM
MY husband has been cheating for the last 2 years with 2 mistresses and bedding prostitutes i beat up one of the mistresses and she put a caution on me then recently i slapped the other mistress and she taking me to court !!
RoseJuly 29th, 2017 at 1:15 AM
The only way you can know for sure if your husband is cheating on you or not is simply to find out, no amount of guessing or double guessing will clear your doubts or give you the answer you need. I know of a friend who used the service of an investigative firm she hired online and was able to get all the facts she had been yearning to get in months within a couple of days. Funny thing was, she just saw their email on an online forum and the puzzle was solved for her.
PeachyJuly 31st, 2017 at 9:58 AM
you get what you deserve ,my man left me for a misstress now I know she can’t trust him ,and never will she will be going through the same as you every time he goes to the bathroom she will be wondering if he’s texting someone …just like he did to me you will never have peace of mind.
buffyAugust 1st, 2017 at 11:26 AM
It’s true. If he cheated on his wife/girlfriend to be with you.. there’s absolutely nothing stopping him from doing it to you. Nobody wants to live like that. Always suspicious.. always second guessing yourself. It eats you up inside constantly and at times makes you think “am I really going crazy”. To all the scorned women.. I completely understand your judgement. I’ve been there..felt every emotion tenfold..and I’m here to tell you karma is in fact a massive bitch. You get what you deserve. You can’t intentionally. .and it IS intentionally hurt someone you love because of your selfish needs and expect your wife/gf to show remorse. Yes..it takes two to destroy a marriage.. but if it gets to that point.. just leave. What are you showing your kids? That it’s perfectly except able to cheat on your SO Cuz you are not happy? That it’s ok..to bring different men in the house..because YOU are lonely? It isn’t right. Also.. the mistress.. seriously as much as you want to hate her..half the time.. (not all) she’s being lied to as well. She meets a guy..thinks he’s great..he’s a supreme sweet talker. .and when you get suspicious like something isn’t adding up..he makes YOU feel stupid or crazy… RUN. Ladies the number one way of recognising a cheater is when they themselves excuse you of cheating. So.. if and when you divorce him.. be happy.. yes it’s 10 years.. or 20 of your life *wasted* but do you really wanna live the rest of your life nautious..beating yourself up? No. There are good guys out there.
lilyApril 30th, 2018 at 11:27 AM
I think whoever get involve in a relationship with an unavailable person decided to go through with it for however long usually is a person who is at a high level of selfish, insecure, dependent, greed. Why? selfish is because you only think of yourself, your desire, your want. Insecure, because you don’t think that you can be happy without this person in your life. You depend on this person to bring you happiness. Your greed is to take someone that is unavailable to you, a person that belongs to someone else. With just that your actions will cause pain and suffering to those around you. What you need is to focus on how to convert, or improve yourself. Being more thoughtful, compassionate for other people, self-awareness about your desire, self-confidence and being independent with your life. Self-respect for yourself. Once you concentrate on working with your own issues then I believe good things will happen to you.
JenDecember 19th, 2018 at 2:09 PM
I know this is years after the original post, I would be curious to hear how she is doing now. I cheated for about a year with a very close married friend who was also a co-worker. It ended three years ago. I stayed with my husband, and he stayed with his wife. It was SO very difficult to end it. I felt like a teenager who was dumped, crying in my room and eating ice cream and listening to sad songs. But for months (or years even), not just days. I’m not sure breaking the affair off is what I wanted. I may not have had a choice. But I also didn’t want to upset my kids’ life, and thought I would at least give my marriage a chance. Marriage is better in some ways, but always some distrust. The former guy and I still work together. Amazingly we have had no physical contact since we broke it off. Although it still hurts very much, and I miss him daily. Long story short, in hindsight I’m glad I didn’t leave my husband for this guy. This guy (and every guy) has his own issues. And I’m sure, like the poster here, that trust would be a major issue. In fact, I wouldn’t expect him to trust me either. One this this affair has actually taught me, is that people are sexual, they want to be loved, they want to be wanted, and they will look to multiple people to fulfill that. Maybe not all will “cheat”, but it’s human nature to desire more than just the person you chose years ago to couple up with. If I find myself single, I think I would stay single for a long long time. Or, I would enter into an open relationship.
JohnMarch 22nd, 2019 at 7:41 PM
I know i’m going to get a lot of stick for this and i actually deserve what ever comes…
I lived with my partner for 25 years and married for the last 15 years with 2 fantastic kids……
During this time i met and fell in love with a woman who was married whilst i was living with my partner and we have been seeing each other for over 17 years (yes I got married to partner – felt pressured and to coward to walk away even though i knew it was wrong – how i regret for my wife’s sake more than mine!!).
Myself an the other woman have tried to break things off but feelings for both are so strong that it never lasted, about 7 years ago she split with her husband and has never pressured me into leaving for her……however I know and it consumes me (I deserve it) that i’m not being fair to my current wife or the other woman.
I know the other woman is not only my best friend and i’m still in love with her as much now as i did when we met 17 years ago when we began our affair.
I need to sort this out as i’m not being fair to anyone involved….but struggling to find the best way (my heart and head are telling me to leave and will have to take whatever comes on the chin, i’ll always be there for my kids (well not so much kids at 23 yrs & 17 yrs) and if they dont want any contact i’ll have to take that on the chin however i’ll never stop letting them know that they are and will always be my priority..
Anyone on here been in same situtaion and can offer any advice (sorry for the ramblings )
KarmaNovember 7th, 2019 at 10:49 AM
It is called Karma. I m sorry I do not at all feel sorry for you. Did you care when you were cheating with your husband? Did you care about his wife? Nope, you wanted to win. And win you did. You won a cheat. You won a man who cared so little about his wife that he lied and cheated on her. How does it feel? Are you surprised that he might be cheating on you?? Did you think you were special?? There never is a good reason to cheat with a married man. Karma bites.
MsChiefJanuary 10th, 2020 at 4:35 PM
I loved Darren’s comments about “winning”, as if the cheater is a prize to be won. I think about always being last picked for a team sport, so being selected over a spouse, made me feel I had worth. I see how wrong I was. I relied on a cheater to make me feel I had worth?!! What the hell was I thinking?!! The cheater has no worth!!! Nor are they a prize!! I was his mistress, then I became the partner. He cheated on and off through our 14 year relationship, I left because his new mistress practically bulldozed me out the door of my own home, and I was in shock at her audacity and his weakness. Now she is the partner and I am the mistress. She knows about me, but for her I think it is all about winning him and not about loving him. She has now closed her legs (honeymoon phase is over), and he is left with her, the phoney dud (which is what 90% of mistresses are). She rarely leaves his side and knows 95% of the time where he is. There is GPS tracking on his vehicles and tracking on his phone. As they are company assets, he can not turn off these tracking devices. I know I should retreat and let this relationship fall on its own accord, but I love tormenting her, and her smothering him in the process (he deserves his punishment). That is something I know I need to work on. I also know that I am probably prolonging their relationship by adding the sex to his life. Stupidly enough, I love my ex partner, knowing exactly who and what he is. I know one day his cheating ways will stop; he is getting older, and his false belief that sex is love will change. He now feels trapped and smothered in his relationship with her, and to his employees this has become a joke. Being a narc, he wouldn’t like that one little bit. The partner he chose is a needy woman who knows how to manipulate, and he is a very weak man. She is much younger than he is, with a young child who is not his. He is a narc and loved her co-dependency in the beginning, but as time goes on, that dependency on him will become a burden he will detest. There is no doubt, he is emotionally abusive directly and indirectly to his spouse. When we were together, he ridiculed me to everyone, telling people I was this and that, all for narc supply. He does exactly the same to her. So why do I love this cheating, weak, narcissistic individual? Because we can not help who we genuinely fall in love with, even when we know it is wrong. Plus he is a good person (I know that sounds strange), we laugh and talk a lot and have really good times. I do know that he loves me, in his sick way. His sickness is due to his parents, I don’t blame him for that either. I feel that for her, it is/was a competition as to who will win the “prize”. In my current position, I see him at his best. I don’t get ridiculed any more, I don’t have to wash his clothes, make his dinner or put up with his cranky moods or his narcissistic abuse. Hell I don’t even have to worry about him cheating on me. I get taken out to dinner, I get lavished with attention and he treats me with the love and respect I deserve/deserved. We talk a lot more now than we ever did. I used to hold back so much of myself when we were together because of absence of trust. That isn’t saying I trust him now, it’s just I don’t feel the same vulnerabilities; I have nothing to lose. Now I say how I feel and he takes it on board. I no longer hold back for fear of losing him. I have provided myself with a lovely home, job and car etc, so I know what I am worth, I don’t need him to feel that. She wanted to win, she can now live with the instability, the housework, and the feeling of never being good enough. There is a price to winning such a “prize”. Do I want to get back with him? When he is too old for sex maybe, and when he discovers that when you get older, companionship is all there is left. Maybe. Or, maybe I will find someone who I love more, and who is more deserving of me and my affections. Who knows?
Ps. I am sorry for jumping all over the place. I was just getting out all my thoughts that were in no way in order.
TKSFebruary 25th, 2020 at 11:00 AM
You are living your own karma. You had no remorse when you shamelessly cheated with a married man. You did not care about his wife. You did not care that you played a part in ruining a family. Nope you thought you were special, She deserved to be cheated on. If she were a good wife he would not be sniffing around you. I do not feel sorry for you. You won the polished turd. If he is cheating on you? You are only getting what you deserve. Yes, I sound harsh. Cheating with a married man is nothing to be proud of. You married a lying cheater now live with the consequences.
KelleeMay 9th, 2020 at 5:29 AM
May god give you peace n happiness.
Linda gMay 9th, 2020 at 7:33 AM
My man left me 5years now andarried his mistress she’s in poor health she has money that’s why he married her he would be back here like a rocket if he could karma certainly comes around and I know she doesn’t trust him she is crap pin herself in case he wants to be back here ,but no way.
SaraMay 30th, 2020 at 3:07 PM
Now looking into your situation, I feel sympathy with you. What you can do? Now he left his wife. He is with you. Regardless of all the negative comments, he chose to be with you. No one steals anyone. If he wants to go, he will with you or with another. You need to leave your insecurity behind. Go work this relationship out with him. What your mind is projecting is not necessarily true. Many people left their spouses and have been happily married to their AP. It is not to say that I am recommending it, but it is too late to discuss other alternatives. In my experience in counselling, sometimes the AP are more compatible with the cheating spouses. Cheating is always bad. People have to leave the relationship if they are not happy, but sometimes it is how things works. If he wanted the marriage, he would have stayed whatever the matter is and I have seen many couples doing so. Now for the ex wife, I hope you are not resentful anymore. He might have left anyways. The divorce itself will be as painful. I am sorry for the experience, and I hope you find a true partner who loves you for who truly you are.
CarmaelaJune 1st, 2020 at 10:51 AM
I think you should accept the fact that if he did that with you he will do it again, with someone else. And with that knowledge, calm down, and very directly and calmly have a conversation with him and point blank ask him. If he denies, at least you can still voice your concerns. But be prepared for what he might actually own up to. Think ahead and decide how you would proceed. Open the relationship? Leave him? Get it all worked out now. But you have to come out with your feelings.
Leave a Comment
By commenting you acknowledge acceptance of GoodTherapy.org's Terms and Conditions of Use.