Help! My Partner Doesn’t Like to Be Touched
Dear GoodTherapy.org,
Have you ever dealt with couples where one partner had issues with being touched? That’s the situation I am in now. I have been seeing a guy for about eight months and he’s really great. He’s sweet, gives me little gifts, great conversationalist, supports me, has a lot in common with me, etc. But one thing I’ve always found strange is that he doesn’t really like to touch me or be touched very much.
For example, we will be sitting next to each other on the couch watching a show and I’ll reach for his hand, but while he lets me touch it briefly, he pulls away fairly quickly and folds his arms or something. I can lean on his shoulder for a little bit and that seems okay, but he doesn’t go out of his way to touch me. Even hugging seems difficult. He’ll do it if I initiate, but he always breaks it off first. He also never goes in for the first kiss. We have sex, but that’s kind of distant too, in that we don’t really make eye contact and afterward he heads straight for the shower rather than cuddling with me.
This has taken some getting used to for me, as I am used to relationships where there is a lot of touch. Everyone is different, and I want to respect his differences and his boundaries. I don’t think this is something we can’t overcome. It’s just hard not to be touched by my partner, and I don’t know why it’s not as important to him as it seems to be for me. I did a little reading online and saw that abuse or trauma in a person’s past could make them more averse to certain types of touch. If that’s what’s going on, he hasn’t told me anything. And it doesn’t feel right to ask him about his past in that way if he doesn’t want to volunteer it.
What do you think might be going on? Is this just how some men are? —Out of Touch
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Dear Out of Touch,
Thank you for your note. While I’m not sure how “some men” are, I know how this man is, based on your description. You sound quite compassionate, incidentally, a great quality in a partner.
It does sound as if your guy has some discomfort with physical closeness. It is hard to discern what the source of that might be. I was impressed with your research and estimation of the cause as you try to understand him better. I hope he returns the favor.
I was struck by your comment that “it doesn’t feel right to ask him” about his past. Why? It may be hard for you to broach the topic. You may fear you’re wrecking the “honeymoon,” but I don’t see a good reason for you to suffer alone; you need more info here.
One way to attempt this is to say you find the topic awkward but necessary to discuss. I am fairly sure you are not the type to say, “So what’s the deal here? Think I got cooties?” At an opportune time, you could start with something along the lines of, “Listen, this is awkward and I don’t mean to rain on our parade, but I’ve noticed you tend to pull away when we’re close, and it’s confusing me.”
You can state your feelings without making demands or intrusions. Examples of this might include, “I find it a little odd or disconcerting when you run to the shower after sex,” or, “I really like cuddling after sex, but it seems you really don’t,” and so on. It gives him an opportunity to open up about a potentially tender issue.
I assume he, too, may feel awkward or antsy about the topic, which is why he hasn’t brought it up. He may be relieved when you do, in the thoughtful way you expressed in your letter.
I can’t see how bringing this up would be too forward. It would likely be worth your while to reflect upon why this is hard for you. I can only imagine that, over time, his barriers will become more off-putting—perhaps even cold or rejecting, even if he doesn’t mean it to be. We need our partners to care about how we feel and vice versa, even when there isn’t 100% agreement. Such emotional respect and trust is the mortar of intimacy.
In your case, you would need to loosen your own internal boundary regarding introducing a sensitive topic. He would need to ease up on his interpersonal barrier, enough to get the conversation started. Clearly you and your guy have different attitudes around touch, which cannot help but have an impact on the overall connection.
If you are right in your astute speculation that this is trauma related—and that would be my guess as well—it may be affecting him in some emotional or psychological way. As mind and body prove to be more intertwined as research on this progresses, there is undoubtedly some reason your guy is motivated to stick with a boundary that sounds a bit rigid.
It is nearly an axiom for me that, when it comes to close relationships of any stripe (even between therapist and person in therapy), rigidity can strangle spontaneity, love, or caring. The main thing I suggest you focus on, regarding whether this is a tolerable problem, is not the content of his response but how he responds.
All couples, at various stages, have issues that need addressing. What is important is how those issues are discussed and negotiated. As the cliché goes, relationships involve compromise. In the end, while neither person is disappointed nor thrilled at the micro level, the overall relationship is happily continued.
If your guy were unwilling to be even a little uneasy in talking about this issue, or talking about why talking about it is difficult, that would be concerning. The magic words in his response, were I your individual or couples counselor, would be something to the effect of, “Yes, I can see how that’s awkward or hard to understand for you.” The yellow or red flag would be, “Why are you bringing this up? There’s nothing to see here.”
Drs. John and Julie Gottman, pioneers in couples theory and counseling, say the “four horsemen of the apocalypse,” or major red flags in relationships, involve either excessive criticism or defensiveness. These are the danger zones: boundaries that are too rigid or a consistent lack of empathy between partners. Thus, while romance and finance tend to provoke anxiety in couples, it is how they are dealt with that matters, along with the degree to which each person emotionally “hears” the other.
In your case, you would need to loosen your own internal boundary regarding introducing a sensitive topic. He would need to ease up on his interpersonal barrier, enough to get the conversation started. Clearly you and your guy have different attitudes around touch, which cannot help but have an impact on the overall connection.
I think you would be doing him a favor by bringing this up, because if he wants to be in any close relationship it will have to be dealt with. I would hope he’d be relieved at your courage, since the move would show him that the relationship is important to you.
Without risk, relationships suffocate. Keep the focus on how you feel, as best you can, and what you hope will come from discussion. Starting with a mention of the “good stuff”—such as his generosity, great conversations, and so on—could make the more difficult parts easier. You might want to partner with a couples counselor who can help facilitate things.
Thank you for writing. I hope this was helpful.
All the best,
Darren Haber
7 Ways to Succeed at Couples Therapy 
Emotional Connection: What Couples Who Stay Together Do Every Day 
What’s Wrong with Us? 4 Ways to Get Your Relationship Back on Track - 17 comments
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Heather
May 7th, 2018 at 5:06 PMThis sounds like textbook trauma to me. It also sounds like three out of my four boyfriends. Why is it always the guy who doesn’t like touch?
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Mel
May 8th, 2018 at 12:26 PMI’m a woman and I don’t like touch, although with time and work I’ve got better at it. It’s not always the guy!
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Merry
May 16th, 2018 at 10:15 PMI think that people who don’t like being touched are sensory defensive. Some people are born this way and for others it is acquired e.g. through trauma. A good book is Too Loud, Too Bright, Too Fast, Too Tight by Sharon Heller, PhD.
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ajb
June 11th, 2018 at 9:45 PMI agree with Merry that a sensory adversion is possible. Some people who are highly sensitive (in the sense of sensory sensitivity, not in the more common sense of emotional sensitivy) have an increased positive response to touch, but others may experience being touched as anything from mildly physically uncomfortable to excruciatingly painful. That could potentially explain the running to the shower after sex thing too — it could be an aversion to the feeling of sweat, for example, more than wanting to get way.
Many sensory adverse people (if that’s what this is) can tolerate or enjoy certain kinds of physical affection — they’re often unorthodox. Y’all might have to think outside the kissing-and-cuddling box.
While I’m heartened by the letter-writer’s compassion and desire to understand (rather than condemn or pathologize) her(?) boyfriend, I’m very put off by the therapist’s response. No acknowledgment that different people have different needs and that’s OKAY — he seems to want to treat the boyfriend’s discomfort with touch as a personal failing, even suggests that he’s obligated to change to be worthy of a relationship. Really really bad vibes.
Everyone’s needs are valid and people who don’t want to be touched deserve to have that respected just as much as people who do want touch deserve that. For @%&#s sake, not every difference between two people needs to have a “right” party and a “wrong” one!!
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PES
June 24th, 2019 at 9:48 AMI am in perfect agreement with ajb –
I also found the therapist’s comments condemnatory. I have worked with children for many years and now find myself in a relationship with a man who has difficulty with touch. I see him trying in so many ways to compensate and endure. We knew one another when we were younger and this did not seem to be an issue, but now that we are older it has surfaced. I agree with the questioner that it would be overstepping boundaries to have this conversation without a significant comfort level between the partners. Such things take time,
but I believe that a supportive, compassionate partner can be the helpmate God intended us to be for one another. -
Irene
August 25th, 2019 at 7:05 PMIs he married, does he work nights just turns up stays 4 hrs leaves again busy you things but that’s it? I SAW a guy I know signs still with him
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Ronna
August 8th, 2020 at 3:10 AM22 years into a relationship where he doesn’t like touching or being touched. I wish I’d left him 20 years ago. My hunger for touch has only grown, his aversion has grown – it’s lose/lose. Run away, honey.
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Missing out
August 22nd, 2020 at 8:54 PMI am married for 12 years. Lesbian relationship. My wife doesn’t like to be touch and she touches me. Oh dear. I wish I wish I didn’t tie a knot before. I wish I settle why she doesn’t like to be touched from 13 years ago. I wouldnt feel so miserable in my life now
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MM
September 12th, 2020 at 4:31 AMHello, I was in a relationship for a year with a guy who did not want to touch me, hug me, get close to me and I am very affectionate and I like cuddling. Even after we had sex he would leave to go to his home and did not stay overnight because he could not sleep in the same bed, he rather sleeps in his bed… I confronted him and I discussed the situation after 3 weeks we started dating. He said he did not realize his behavior was affecting my emotions so much. He tried and he changed and everything was great until I realized after a year that he was a narcissist. Ladies, be careful from “weird behaviors” because they do give you a clue something is not right. You just have to figure out what it is .
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Precious
November 4th, 2020 at 5:18 AMI am in the same situation. My husband of 8 years will only allow me to get so close and then he get weird. I went to touch his butt last night and he said “get off of me” and shook the gaming chair. I felt so rejected. He said that he use to hate it when people would grab his head and shake it. He said he doesn’t like that. What man doesn’t like to be touched by his wife. I am totally confused and turned off. I went in the other bedroom and went to sleep. When I do sleep with him he turns over and hugs his blanket like it is a woman. He says his blanket brings him comfort. I can’t anymore. Help me.
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LoveTouch
November 18th, 2020 at 2:43 PMTouch, giving or receiving, makes me feel great – I crave it. There is a wonderful feeling and energy with it. My wife unfortunately doesn’t like to be touched and it has caused problems in our 10 year marriage. It’s difficult to get in the mood when you can’t even touch the other person. I don’t blame her – it’s the way she’s wired, but I am distraught because it is an area where we unfortunately are not and cannot be compatible, even though it is very important to me.
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Disappointed
December 31st, 2021 at 10:15 AMI have always suffered from aversion to touch since I was a child. I never understood why I did not want to be touched and made me feel uncomfortable. My mother usually tells me that, since I was the youngest of all siblings I would be left to my own devices playing with my toys on my own without much need for attention and I wouldn’t complain. Over the years this aversion to touch has made my relationships very difficult and I have been described as cold and insensitive and I have always tried to compensate showing affection in other ways. My partner of 15 years has just told me that this is not something they can live with and that it is better to part ways. I am devastated. I have tried to change in the past as it has been brought up many times but it was never enough according to my partner, while I was thinking I was making a huge effort. I understand their point of view. However, I cannot try to be someone I am not. I am never going to be very tactile as it is not in me. I will make the effort to increase this level of intimacy but this is not enough to make my partner happy. My partner is not perfect and there are things that could change and make me happier. No relationship is perfect and I am OK with that. I am extremely sad to see that this seems to be a reason good enough for a break up.
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Victoria
May 8th, 2022 at 11:16 AMI know this is an old post and I’m not sure if anyone is still keeping up with it but maybe this guy is on the spectrum. I’m on the spectrum and it’s not necessarily that I do not like to be touched (although I hear that a lot). My issue is that there is a time and a place for it. Intimate/bedroom time? GREAT time and place for it. A time when we are on the sofa snuggling and kissing? Also another EXCELLENT time and place for it.
Autistics, as we know, experience the world differently. I have a very rich inner life. When I am reading or thinking, I am in a completely different world. I completely forget where I am. It’s kind of like if a person was taking an important test and giving it 100% of their concentration or having a conversation and you walked up and pulled them completely out of that. It’s really that jarring. It’s not expected, and if I can get back into the zone, it will take 10-15 minutes, at which time someone will undoubtedly have touched me again. It’s really almost tear-inducing.
Also, who told someone that if it’s not **x time and it’s not snuggle time, that you have a right to touch someone without their permission? -
John
May 19th, 2022 at 12:26 AMI don’t like to be touched, hugged or kissed. Women have made a lot of progress in getting men to respect their boundaries, which is a good thing. But when a man enforces his boundaries, women call him “gay” and shame him, and think he’s less of a man. Well, no one has a right to touch me, male or female, and that’s the way it is. Do it once without my permission, and we are through.
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Dave
August 15th, 2022 at 7:17 PMWe’ve been married since 1967 and it’s been an OK relationship with one exception, and that is my wife hates being touched, especially sexually. Sadly, I have always found a vital element to show and share loving.
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edward
February 5th, 2023 at 11:47 AMbeen married sence 1987 same situation thought that she would change don’t expect people to change never just settle.
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jackson
September 26th, 2023 at 12:29 PMHi. My partner and I were together 7 years before marrying and now married 24 years. At the beginning we enjoyed touching and were passionate about our sexual life. When we married it seemed even more passionate as we were trying to conceive. Once she was pregnant our sexual life tapered and I thought it unsurprising. When our healthy child came upon the scene her interest in being touched disappeared. For years I tried to understand it and would initiate an honest and frank conversations about my confusion, my feelings and desire to have a closer more comfortable physical and emotional relationship. This conversation would repeat annually and usually resolved with some tears, understanding and commitment to making it better. I then, would be patient to see how our resolve would become evident… it never did. I grew up with 4 siblings and was accustomed to lots of contact as did she— though perhaps her family was less physical. For a while I strongly suspected some history of abuse but she always claims to have no memory of it. We love each other and I have put aside my need/desire for intimacy. It wasn’t an easy decision that was finally made, I just stopped trying to bridge that divide and I’m very aware of the gap and regret. The aspects of our relationship that are strong— our common interests, sense of humor, the wonder of our child’s development and the mutual support are some of the things that make our lives satisfying… still, I miss touch and intimacy.
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