Help! I Don’t Want to Hang Out with My Friends Who Drink
Dear GoodTherapy.org,
I hope you can help me with something. Recently I decided I don’t want to drink anymore. I was never a big drinker to begin with and don’t have an alcohol problem, but when I hung out with my friends, I would often have two or three drinks, which is fairly typical for everyone in our group. But even though it feels good in the moment and makes me more social, I don’t like the way I feel after drinking alcohol, and that’s increasingly true as I get older (I just turned 35). It pretty much ruins the next day for me, as I barely feel like getting out of bed, let alone leaving my apartment.
This is a hard decision for me because I really like my friends and I don’t expect them to not drink around me. But it feels weird sometimes to be the only person who isn’t drinking—almost like I’m the one person who isn’t in on the joke. It’s just not as fun. I also don’t want to feel pressured to drink, even though I know my friends wouldn’t actively try to get me to do something I wasn’t comfortable with. Likewise, I also don’t want my friends to feel pressured to not drink just because I choose to abstain. I’m worried they will think I think they have a problem or that I am judging them.
What do you think I should do? —Sober Thoughts
Dear Sober,
Congratulations on a mature decision. I guess I have my own sober thought, which is (with all due respect to your friends): are there any social activities to choose from besides imbibing, especially at 35? I can understand this as the focus at 25, but as one’s 30s roll around, the “party” kind of peters out and new responsibilities—work, family, etc.—eke into the foreground. It sounds like this is where you are going with your admirable decision, quite appropriate for someone a few years from 40.
Of course, this is a generalization, and there are some professions—journalism, entertainment, trading, and tech, to name a few—where “getting drinks” can be almost ritualistic. But many folks in those professions are sober, or can have one or two and then head home, in some cases to their partner or kids. The focus becomes less the booze than the socializing. Plus, as you astutely state, as we get older it often gets harder to shake off liquor’s aftereffects.
Are there any alternatives for your group besides drinking? I would think your friends would support your decision, and wonder why you wouldn’t tell them. (More on that in a moment.)
I can understand feeling like the “odd person out” if you are not partaking. Though I can’t imagine that, if they truly are friends, they would mind trying something different now and again, especially if you are in a city. There are plenty of ways to hang out or blow off steam: music, readings, dancing, theater, comedy clubs, etc.
If the main focus of this gang is the liquor, that itself is worth a ponder. Perhaps it’s worth expanding your social circle in any event; try going online and finding a hiking group or even a language, photography, or cooking class (or whatever moves you). Perhaps you could get more involved with local community or, if you’re so inclined, religious or spiritual activities. Familiarity and routine can be comforting, but may also keep our worlds smaller than is needed.
Perhaps you fear feeling rejected or seen as “wimpy” for not drinking. You don’t sound judgmental and your decision is sound; anyone judging you is not much of a friend.
I am intuiting that this group may be a holdover from college, or that you work together? True friendships would have more than only that in common; the underlying anxiety in your question makes me wonder if you are concerned you’ll be alone if you lose this group, though again, if they are not willing to be flexible, how reliable are they? Perhaps you fear feeling rejected or seen as “wimpy” for not drinking. You don’t sound judgmental and your decision is sound; anyone judging you is not much of a friend.
I can share with you some personal experience, which parallels others’ experience, though my situation is slightly different than yours. When I got sober and began recovery, with an alcohol problem that had me at the end of my rope, only two people protested that sobriety was “going overboard”; one smoked marijuana regularly, while the other had a problem (long hidden) with “downers.” The rest of my friends were congratulatory and flexible in joining me in new activities. It was something of a revelation that they were happy to see me and not the bottle.
In fact, I was shocked to discover most people truly don’t care about another’s drinking, and most don’t get smashed at social occasions. The latter was truly revelatory to me. Even now, at intimate dinner parties, it’s rare that anyone comments on (or even notices!) my having juice rather than wine.
I find that as we get older, the time we get to spend with our friends becomes more and more precious as our lives fill up with more responsibilities, especially if we start a family. It’s good to be able to savor it as much as we can. (Is dating a goal or interest of yours, by the way? I am sure any worthy partner would respect your decision.)
Finally, I detect anxiety in your decision about your effect on others. Contrary to many self-help affirmations (such as “I don’t need anyone’s approval”), most of us do care—at least a little—about how others perceive us. But there comes a time when we have to decide what’s best for us … and see who stands by us. It is not always an easy choice, and I wonder if you are beholden to the opinions of the group in a way that limits your choices. If so, it might be worth some non-critical self-reflection as to why. It has taken me quite some time to finally accept that we cannot control how or what others think of us, even when we prefer those thoughts to be positive.
Any friendship worth its salt relies—to some degree, at least—on flexibility and empathy. It sounds like you have good reasons to set aside the booze to improve the quality of your life, and for that you are to be commended. My hope is you find that your friends are more supportive than you think.
Kind regards,
Darren Haber
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Arnie
December 14th, 2017 at 12:29 PMI learned that I don’t have to drink to have a fun time with a bunch of people who are drinking. You get all of the fun and lowered inhibitions of being drunk – who cares if you say something stupid when everyone is half in the bag? You also don’t have to pay for booze or deal with hangovers. Been going to bars stone cold sober for nigh on 20 years now, and cannot recommend it enough.
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Marcia Williams
January 5th, 2022 at 12:24 PMI don’t drink quit years ago. I smoke weed. No hang over, no getting violent, no throwing up, I can grow my own without pesticides, it doesn’t poisen my body, and the list goes on and on.
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Ellie
April 22nd, 2022 at 12:24 PMHi, so I have this uhmm idk issue?
So, I feel overwhelmed/weird around ppl who drink. Most of my friends love drinking and I don’t. I only ever drink when I’m alone but rarely cos I don’t want to be seen drinking?? and I’m not comfortable hanging out with other people while drinking. I had to lie to a bunch of friends that I can’t drink bcos I’m allergic and I don’t have meds. I had a drunk experience but I was alone and I knew I’m drunk bcos vision is spinning already and I want to vomit just to feel better (I vomitted out by will cos I hate the fuzzy feeling and I don’t like head aches). After that experience, I simply don’t want to drink again and I can already taste the alcohol just seeing the drink I had before and it would give me the bleh cos i remember the vomit and stuff and it makes me wanna throw up again.My partner loves to drink, sometimes they mention they would get a drink after work and it would make me upset. Somehow I feel insecure? Sad, unsafe, can’t relate, and would wonder why would they drink when I’ve been waiting for them to come home (it’s starting to feel like they would spend more time drinking than replying to my messages or hang out w me since I’ve been waiting for them to be free for a date or just a nice conversation to have). I also feel like I wouldn’t enjoy alcohol as much as others do even if I attempt to drink alone (and I would prefer strong fruity/coke flavors that I can barely taste the alcohol).
There are times where I want to drink w a friend but I feel nervous and unsafe so I would just drop the thought (I wanted to do it so I can train myself to be sociable and understand it better so that I wouldn’t feel this way to other people and to myself.)I honestly just want a word that would describe this feeling because I feel lost and I feel like I’m just destroying the party for being such a pooper/downer :((( esp w my partner, I just feel inferior complex, intimidation, and a bunch of other sht like I’m being compared to/being such an unrelatable person.
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John
March 30th, 2023 at 12:09 PMDear Sober,
Many people find themselves in your predicament ! What you write could easily pass for my words precisely including how you begin with “Help!” . But the question is a bit rhetorical in that you know the answer already and it seems like you are simply seeking the advice and the support of others! Am I wrong or incorrect in assessing this? If that is the case, then there are myriad reasons to not “drink” (consume alcohol ) not to mention its health concerns and overall ramifications . But since you have not yet killed anyone drunk driving or “drink driving” as they say in the UK and you have not been charged with a crime, we will keep it simple and address what you ask for help on.
Prior to the pandemic, this was a HUGE personal dilema for me as I have plans to obtain a commercial drivers license AKA CDL and drive semi trucks over the road and in order to obtain it, one has to not only take a UA drug test but also not be addicted or dependent on alcohol. I also do not particularly like drinking the same way my friends do and it is as you describe but am very close to my friends, some more than others. I often sat with my closest friend and we spoke about what it would be like to see the USA and get paid to do so and always my friend with a beer in his hand would say “I’ll ride with you bro!”. As much as I wanted this to be true, in the back of my mind I would say to myself : Yeah, right, absolutely! We would get about 20 miles out of town or to the next stop and he would panic and say to me “I am going to get off here and go get a beer!” BRO! But you keep going, you are doing a good job! Why do you need me ?”
So I will get to the point and that is; Better you address it, come to terms and not only be but remain true to yourself otherwise the longer you prolong it , the worse you will feel when down the road (pun intended) they leave you high and dry as they say and chose the bottle! The whole pandemic, I did not take one single drink and do not feel like I need it or missed it at all but after the pandemic ended and I got together with my friends again, I did drink two beers and got violently ill! While it seems like their drinking not only doubled but tripled in consumption and as some of you mentioned cannabis use up above AKA 420 “sparking up” etc. Yes, it played a big role in my life and I used to think my friends’ but I was wrong! I discovered that alcohol not only being the true “gateway” substance, is also where most will end up! The idea of chasing something and running out or not always being able to get a steady decent supply (or trusting cannabis derived products such as edibles etc not to mention the fake synthetic cannabinoids that ruined everything ) looses it’s appeal to them and they end up cozy with the familiarity and reassurance that they can just go to the “beer store” at the corner and get their fix. My friend who used to be a big weed smoker, did smoke after the pandemic but not as much and even said “It doesn’t take very much for me!” yet his drinking tripled intake replaced marijuana and even eating and I am sad to say even sex drive he told me! A very attractive girl wanted to be intimate with him and he was too busy “drinking and watching the game!” that he actually told her “No!” because intimacy would lead to him having to “cut into his beer money” eventually when it came time to “buy her something nice” or “taker her out” etc.
As my cousin who is already driving big rigs and training others said to me “You know what you gotta do!” .
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