The recent news that troubled country singer Mindy McCready took her own life has thrust the debate about the efficacy and ethics of “rehab” television shows and the people behind them, such as Dr. Drew and Dr. Phil, into the spotlight. McCready is the fifth cast member from Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew to die, prompting one well-known musician to take to Twitter to compare host Drew Pinsky to assisted-suicide icon Jack Kevorkian: “Same results,” Richard Marx wrote.

We wanted to know what our Topic Experts think, so we asked them the following questions: Is the criticism of Dr. Drew, Dr. Phil, and similar so-called experts-turned-media personalities warranted? Is it enough? After all, for many Americans, they are THE faces of therapy. Is that fair? Are they doing more harm than good? Is what they do simply exploitation, or is there more to it? With the popularity of reality TV on the rise, how can therapy professionals counteract any damage done by Dr. Drew, Dr. Phil, and others whose platforms extend into living rooms from coast to coast and beyond?

Here’s what they had to say:

• Deb Hirschhorn (relationships and marriage): “Money is a problem, and even ‘real’ therapists get green eyes. I cannot count how many Internet marketers have advised me to have ‘real clients’ give video testimonials on my successful website—and I have refused. ‘But,’ they complain, ‘all the therapists are doing it!’ That may be true, but it’s still wrong. ‘But,’ comes the reply, ‘the clients want to do it. Aren’t they adults who can make their own decisions? If you don’t think so, then aren’t you treating them like children and isn’t that disrespectful?’ The question is good and deserves a response. It was my first child’s fourth birthday when my second child was born. The second needed a C-section, but that didn’t stop me from feeling the strong need to make a special birthday party for the first child. After all, I certainly didn’t want to provoke sibling rivalry by unduly fussing over the newcomer. I rushed to the grocery store and started shopping. Unfortunately, that provoked some pain and I phoned the doctor. ‘What?’ he asked, ‘You’re running up and down the grocery aisles? No ma’am! You need to sit and take it easy after a C-section.’ The moral of this story is that although I am an adult and quite capable of making decisions, I did not see the ramifications of my actions. The same is true for clients who go live on the air to tell their stories: They do not see the ways in which they may be hurting themselves by airing their troubles, their weaknesses, their mistakes, and their pain in front of an audience of strangers. Therapists, on the other hand, although not clairvoyant, have enough experience with people to be able to ‘see’ into the future and know that this is a formula for disaster. And the reason is actually quite simple: People of all ages need a higher number of positives in their life than negatives in order to go forward. They need to believe there is something good about their choices, their history, and who they are as people in order to be able to meet each day with the strength it takes to master challenges. Focusing on the problem instead of their resources is a formula for hopelessness. A good therapist will build on strengths and only dab a little drop of problem talk into the session as necessary to know what, exactly, needs fixing. Airing all this publicly does just the opposite.”

• Darren Haber (addictions and compulsions): “I think the criticism is actually too polite by half. It would help, for starters, if these guys were experienced clinical psychologists, but they’re not. Dr. Drew isn’t even a psychologist, he’s an internist, and Dr. Phil is more practiced at expert witness work for courtrooms—which makes sense, given his sensationalizing, sometimes prosecutorial style (‘you need a backbone,’ ‘and this was a good idea why?’ etc.). The bigger problem is the awkward marrying of psychology with entertainment, a devil’s bargain to begin with. Real clinical work is slow, repetitive, ambiguous, and often plain boring. It can also be exhilarating and tremendously moving … but after the kind of slog I’m describing herein. The big Hollywood cathartic breakthrough (a la Good Will Hunting) is rare, and only occasionally leads to change. (I’ve witnessed crying jags that are forgotten the following week.) The values of entertainment—of, let’s face it, tabloid TV—are contra the values of psychology, which in its authentic form is probably better suited to something found on PBS or NPR—or, better yet, as a book or classroom discussion, etc. To take one example of how the medium corrodes the message, via Dr. Drew: Many people in recovery have narcissistic tendencies; life is itself often a ‘performance’ in a desperate seeking of approval and attention. Sticking a camera into a therapy group is exactly what so many recovering people don’t need. (It doesn’t help those who are painfully self-conscious, either.) A camera changes the equation, period. It is naive and even dangerous to pretend otherwise.”

• Sarah Swenson (Asperger’s / autism): “Electronic communication is like any other form of communication in one very misunderstood way: Most of what is communicated is nonverbal. We can see the truth in this when we are speaking directly to someone and we incorporate tone of voice, gesture, facial expression, and other cues into our comprehension of what we hear. But when we are watching reality TV, which is a misnomer at best and an outright lie at worst, these cues are scattered to the wind. Viewers can be lulled into a false sense of reality, by design, and it would be a natural next step if they were to take these TV performances seriously and consider the outcomes of the treatments and advice as if they were valid and complete. Individuals who are less skilled at ‘reading between the lines’ to begin with are all the more vulnerable to the illusory nature of the reality being portrayed on reality TV. Even the so-called experts, such as Dr. Drew and Dr. Phil, are not working as psychotherapists, whose work takes place session after session in an environment of building interpersonal trust and a therapeutic liaison in which healing can occur. Yet these TV experts proffer advice through the airwaves, advice which often suggests that there are quick fixes to even the deepest problems, such as substance-abuse issues or mental illness. If a viewer sees someone (a celebrity, for example) take her own life after experiencing the supposed advantage these so-called experts proffer, and that viewer has an even less supportive environment than the celebrity, he or she runs the risk of thinking that if someone who has it all can commit suicide, can fail, then the odds against solving personal problems are overwhelmingly bleak. It is ingenuous to suggest that copycat suicide is an unlikely event. These TV experts do all psychotherapists a disservice. Most significantly, however, they do a gross disservice to their viewers, who are primed to fall into despair for having taking them seriously when their own clients, their so-called success stories, choose to end their lives.”

• Moushumi Ghose (sexuality / sex therapy): “I have asked myself this question, too: Did media kill psychology, or did it bring it to life? I think Dr. Phil and Dr. Drew definitely have a lot of insight, advice, tips, and suggestions to offer the greater public, and to help many to make changes in their lives. However, in the field of psychology, one of the rules of thumb is that the client is the expert. So, in this medium—whether it be Internet, TV, or otherwise—the client is an audience of millions subscribing to the same views. With the plethora of self-help and coaching, it seems that there is a lot of advice out there being misconstrued somehow as psychotherapy. Dr. Drew and Dr. Phil are educators giving insight into the process of self-growth, and should be seen as such. Their work is to reach a broader audience to get the ball rolling but in no way should be seen as a substitute for working on yourself. Media to reach a larger audience is great, but it’s too easy to fall into the trap of seeing their word as gospel. These shows don’t encourage individuals to find a path of growth that is unique to themselves; it encourages a sheep-like mentality, which is not the goal of psychotherapy at all. We also have an overabundance of coaches nowadays who base their teachings on personal experience and their practice on advice giving. I believe all of these have a tendency to water down the field of personal growth. There is a lot of information out there and much of it is free, so one must weed out the self-help information and TV shows, decide what is entertainment and what is real, and recognize which do not suit their needs and which ones may actually prohibit their own journey of personal growth.”

• John Sovec (LGBT issues): “As the market for reality television shows expands, many more therapists are being asked to step up to the plate and represent the field of psychology, with all of its benefits and challenges. The major players in the television field often seem to be playing for the television ratings rather than looking out for the best interests of the clients. The well-known television therapists are often represented in an omnipotent role with an expertise in every subject that is presented to them. The reality is that therapy is a personal and ongoing experience and that it is virtually impossible for a client’s issues to be resolved in 50 minutes and then neatly wrapped up in a bow. Clinicians need the time to establish rapport, learn about the challenges that are facing their clients, and then work together with their clients to find the appropriate tools for success. As a therapist who has appeared on television, it can be a very tricky balance to respond to the needs of the clients you are working with and at the same time create a sense of safety in the middle of a chaotic filming experience. Much of what the television audience sees is only a small part of the actual therapeutic process that goes into the making of these shows. The challenge is that most people are now viewing therapy as a sensational, dramatic, and immediate solution to their issues, and place unrealistic expectations on the process and their relationship with their therapist. Are media therapists doing harm? Maybe to the perception of what therapy is and how the process works, but at the same time, if television therapists can remain ethical and authentic, they can demystify the experience and open the doors for more people to consider the benefits of seeking therapy.”

• Jill Denton (sexuality / sex therapy): “ ‘Good therapy’ in the truest sense is therapy that provides safe, private, confidential space for a client to truly ‘go deep’ and explore their hopes, their fears, and their dreams. I’m deeply saddened when someone equates what Drew, Phil, or ‘rehab TV’ offers to the healing work that happens in my office, which is sacred space. What these charlatans are doing is downright reprehensible!”

• Sarah Noel (person-centered / Rogerian): “I have very mixed feelings on this issue. In some ways, the Dr. Drews and Dr. Phils of the world have increased the awareness of mental health issues and normalized seeking treatment. This decreases stigma and has probably led some people into therapy who may not have considered such a thing in the past. That said, what gets good television ratings and what qualifies as good, quality psychotherapy are, more often than not, very different things. While that seems an obvious distinction within the professional community, it is quite possible that your average viewer is not making such a distinction and therefore they believe what they are seeing on television is what psychotherapy is supposed to look like. This seems to lead to very dangerous territory that could be the tipping point into doing more harm than good.”

• Judith Barr (power: healing to the root): “For television personalities to be the face of psychotherapy—even TV personalities who were once practicing medical doctors or psychologists—is a huge disservice to the essence of psychotherapy. And it is a limitless disservice to members of the public who don’t yet know the best of what psychotherapy can be and who need, want, and could be deeply helped by real depth psychotherapy. Having TV personalities be the face of psychotherapy coast to coast and even abroad is not only a disservice, but also a misuse and abuse of power. The true essence of psychotherapy is “soul work.” It originally meant the healing of soul or spirit. With the best of psychotherapists, it remains so today … but that is in the privacy of the therapy room. Once someone takes psychotherapy into the public media for the purposes of entertainment, financial exploitation, and money generation off the backs and hearts of vulnerable people, the essence and process of psychotherapy becomes disfigured, and the healing of the person’s soul becomes secondary or tertiary to showbiz. A huge part of my intention and commitment of my energy has already been to help people widely get a better sense of how deep psychotherapy is and can be, when the therapist does his/her own inner healing work to the root, and then offers the same depth to his/her clients. I am not sure how else to fulfill this intention and to help counteract the damage of the abuse done to therapy and its name in many ways—including by TV personalities. Perhaps if those of us who are like-minded work together, we can help educate the public on the possible dangers of ‘TV therapy’ and help to give a more accurate representation of the best therapy can be.” For more from Judith Barr, click here.

What do you think about so-called “rehab TV”? Do you agree or disagree with our Topic Experts? Please share your thoughts in the comments section below.

Some people come to therapy full of negativity and anger toward parents whom they hold responsible for the way they feel and the lives they live. For example, they might explain their difficulties in relationships by referring to a parent’s emotional coldness, criticalness, or divorce. Or they will fault a parent’s lack of encouragement and involvement when they were growing up for their failure to do well academically or professionally. Blaming parents for their struggles keeps these people stuck in angry, anxious, and depressed feelings, and interferes with their ability to think about what they could do to make their lives different.

“Gloria” came to her first therapy session with me and immediately began to talk. Sounding irritated, she explained, “I’m here because I can’t take it anymore. I hate my life. I’m either angry or depressed. I’m 29 years old and I haven’t been in a relationship for more than three months. I can’t seem to keep my jobs for much more than a year. For nine months, I’ve been working as an assistant in a recruiting firm where I answer phones and type résumés. I know I’m smarter than that, but I don’t know what else I want to do. I seem to go from one dead-end job to another. I’m such a loser.” Then Gloria sobbed, “I am just so stuck.”

Gloria began therapy. She typically entered my office with heaviness and depression, and talked about how miserable her life was and how hopeless she felt. She believed that nothing could change. When I asked her why, she thought she was stuck in this awful place, her lethargic demeanor changed to anger, and her voice turned strong.

“How could I change?” she said. “It’s all about my childhood. My parents separated when I was 5. My father left the house and I rarely saw him. Sometimes he would take me for a weekend, but I never believed he really wanted to. He met this woman, Fran, and all he ever talked about was her. They got married when I was 7, and then he moved to another state. I would visit them three or four times a year. She had two daughters. I could see how much he loved Fran. He never looked at me like that. He would criticize how I dressed and compare me to my stepsisters. I hated them. I could never get anything right, and they were so pretty and perfect, and I could see they were the children he wanted. When I would go home to my mother and complain, she would hardly listen. She never seemed very interested in me, either. She had a big, important job, and as I grew up, I didn’t see so much of her. She never got very involved in anything I did. She would even get nasty and critical if I told her about something good that happened. I remember when I told her that I had been asked to run for class secretary in middle school. She laughed at me and said, ‘You’ll never get elected, so you shouldn’t run. You’re just not popular enough.’ I believed everything she said about me, so I didn’t run. By middle school she had a serious boyfriend and she was always with him and never had time for me. I never thought I was good enough for much. When I think about it now, I can see my mother was really into herself and I think she was competitive with me. I don’t think she wanted me to succeed or dress well or have boyfriends. I guess she is still getting her way.”

The more I learned about Gloria’s childhood, the more I could understand why it was so difficult for her to have positive feelings about herself and to believe that if she worked at something, she could succeed. She consistently assumed people’s responses toward her would be negative personally and professionally. While her expectations were understandable in light of her childhood experiences, she was able, when pushed, to come up with memories of positive relationships, work experiences, and even good feelings about herself. Nevertheless, these exceptions to what she anticipated did not go very far in allowing her to step back and consider that she was not (in her words) “doomed to fail.”

It became clear to me that Gloria was stuck in blaming her parents for how she saw herself and how her life turned out. What made it so hard for her to move on? Was there some risk in letting go of her anger? Was there a downside to not living up to what she saw as her parents’ view of her? Was there something positive in it for her to blame her parents? These were the questions that occurred to me as I listened to Gloria, who presented herself repeatedly as a victim who would always be at the mercy of the impact of her past treatment by her parents.

I began to raise these questions to Gloria, who became curious about them. She began to consider the risks of letting go of her anger and blame. She talked about worrying that she would be letting her parents “off the hook” if she stopped blaming them or being angry. “They know how I feel and I like to think I make them feel guilty,” she said. “When I was a kid, they never seemed to expect me to amount to much. They’ve gotten what they wanted, but I do think I’ve managed to finally make an impact. I think I’ve succeeded in making them feel guilty. If my life got better, maybe they wouldn’t feel so bad or guilty. I feel bad and I want them to feel bad.”

At first, when Gloria continued to talk about her desire to hurt her parents, she smiled and said, “Now that I understand that this is what I’m doing, I have to say that revenge is sweet.” She would also get angry in our sessions and acknowledge that this new awareness created a real conflict for her. “Rationally, I get that it’s me,” she said. “I can see that I think my parents are responsible for my being a failure. They made me this way, so I’ll be the loser they created. I want to hurt them. I guess I could work on getting the life I’m always moaning that I’ve never had, and I know that would be the best thing for me. But I just don’t want to give them any good stuff.”

As we continue to talk about this conflict, which creates great anguish for Gloria, she has not been able to choose to work on giving up her anger and blame. However, she is considerably less attached to viewing her life through the lens of doom and failure caused by her parents. She has begun to take some steps to get more for herself. She has gotten a promotion to recruiter, and has made a placement that will double her income this year. She has also enrolled in a management class at a local college. We’ve even begun to talk about online dating. As Gloria continues to work in therapy, I believe she will achieve more for herself and gradually be able to see her identity in a new way and identify less and less as a victim. As she allows herself to experience the satisfactions of success, I am hopeful that the pleasure of revenge will be less gratifying.

My work with Gloria is just one illustration of the ways in which blaming your parents can keep you stuck. There is a terrible paradox in these situations: You are angry and blame your parents’ treatment of you growing up for your unhappiness and failures in your adult life. But the wish for revenge and these angry, blaming feelings keep the connection and repeat the relationship between your “bad parents” and you, the unsuccessful, unhappy child. As a result, you are stuck in the position where you cannot become the person you say you wish to be or create the life you say you desire.

Thank you for writing in. This sounds like a very complicated situation fraught with the potential for significant consequences for many people, some of whom you love dearly. I’m curious why your mother chose to share this tragic portion of your family history with you now, after all these years. Is she proposing to do something about it? Is she trying to unburden herself after carrying this disturbing knowledge alone for so many years? Does she have reason to believe that your cousin is abusing his children and/or members of the football team? Is there some other motivation for the disclosure? If you haven’t already done so, it might useful to talk to your mom about why she shared this with you at this time. It is possible that her answers might help you decide what you will do with this information. For example, if your mother thinks that someone is presently in danger, then there would be ample reason to take this information to the police immediately.

If you do decide to go to the police and open an investigation, they would probably want to speak to your family, especially your sister and brother who were victimized by your cousin. If this is the course of action you choose, it would be best for your siblings to hear this from you and your mother, and possibly also a therapist in a safe, therapeutic setting. It would be unfortunate for your siblings to first learn about this from police investigators.

I would also suggest that you schedule a consultation with a therapist who has a strong specialization in work with childhood sexual abuse. Someone with an extensive background in this area would be very well equipped to meet with you and your mother, listen to the history you present, ask additional questions, and ultimately make some recommendations for developing an action plan that will serve everyone as best as possible. Consulting with a therapist in this capacity might also prove to be quite therapeutic for you. In reading your question, I can almost feel the anxiety you are likely experiencing. You might find it quite helpful to have the support of a therapist during this time.

Sincerely,
Sarah

Exorcisms occupy a hallowed place in horror movies, with some claiming to be “based on a true story”—attracting mass audiences, rampant skepticism, and much discussion. But the ancient practice of expelling demons or other entities from a person isn’t merely fodder for fright flicks or some relic of a less enlightened time. Exorcisms are very much a part of cultural mythology, and occupy an important place in some religions. The Catholic Church has 10 exorcists in the United States. Even Mother Teresa underwent an exorcism at the direction of the archbishop of Calcutta.

No one can say with absolute certainty whether demons walk among us and occasionally take control of living beings, but science can offer a helpful window into exorcisms and what might cause a person to appear “demonically possessed.” The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders does not recognize demonic possession as a psychiatric issue. There is little doubt, however, about the influence of issues that are recognized by the DSM, and no one questions the power of suggestion.

What Causes the Appearance of Possession?
Historically, exorcisms have been used to treat a wide variety of symptoms that are now associated with mental issues. People with schizophrenia, personality issues, delusions, hallucinations, or severe depression might all have been considered candidates for exorcisms in generations past. Each of these issues can, in some cases, cause unusual or frightening behavior.

In a culture where many believe certain behaviors may be caused by demonic possession, the manifestations of mental health issues may conform to popular mythology. A person with schizophrenia might, for example, believe he or she hears the voice of Satan, or that he or she is in fact Satan, because he or she grew up amid culturally ingrained messages that this is possible.

Even in contemporary times, people with mental issues may be subject to exorcisms, particularly in devoutly religious communities and developing countries. Epilepsy, which can cause severe seizures, may lead to exorcism being performed. Substance abuse, head injuries, and brain tumors can also dramatically alter behavior, leading someone to appear possessed.

What Happens During an Exorcism?
Exorcisms tend to follow a predictable path. The apparent victim of possession’s behavior becomes increasingly erratic, perhaps even violent, until the exorcist casts the demonic spirit out. “Possessed” people may speak in tongues, vomit, become violently ill, or harm themselves. And while these behaviors might seem shocking, they can be easily explained.

Mental issues can cause strange behavior, and people tend to conform to expectations. This means a person experiencing an exorcism is more likely to act in ways he or she has heard of others behaving during exorcisms. Exorcisms sometimes also involve the use of potions, drugs, or fasting, each of which can induce violent illness and strange behavior. Starvation can affect brain function, and the stress of an exorcism may radically alter behavior.

Some exorcism advocates insist that exorcism works. And it very well may. People undergoing exorcisms may enter hypnotic trances, during which time they may be much more suggestible, which means their behavior may later change. The dramatic ritual of an exorcism can also be cathartic for some deeply religious people, and may inspire a change in behavior or personality.

Exorcisms As Abuse
Although every person has the right to practice his or her own religious beliefs, exorcisms sometimes become a form of abuse, and some mental health experts are concerned that they may replace competent psychiatric treatment for people with mental health issues.

Over the past decade, several people have died during exorcisms. A woman in Fort Wayne, Indiana, attempted to exorcise her son by forcing him to drink vinegar and olive oil, then held him down during an exorcism. The boy suffocated, and his mother was convicted of murder in 2011. A 3-year-old in Arizona was nearly choked to death by her grandfather, who was attempting to exorcise her; the grandfather was shot and killed by police.

References:

1. Attempted exorcism ends in man’s death. (2007, July 29). MSNBC.com. Retrieved from http://www.nbcnews.com/id/20027027/
2. Batty, D. (2001, May 02). Exorcism: Abuse or cure? The Guardian. Retrieved from http://www.guardian.co.uk/society/2001/may/02/socialcare.mentalhealth1
3. Interview with the exorcist. (2000, September 21). The Daily Beast. Retrieved from http://www.thedailybeast.com/newsweek/2000/09/21/interview-with-the-exorcist.html
4. Libaw, O. (2012, September 11). Exorcism thriving in the U.S., say experts. ABC News. Retrieved from http://abcnews.go.com/US/story?id=92541
5. Mom convicted in son’s exorcism death. (2011, May 29). WISH TV. Retrieved from http://www.wishtv.com/dpp/news/local/north_central/boy-dead-after-attempted-exorcism
6. Peter, B. (2005). Gassner’s Exorcism—not Mesmer’s Magnetism—is the Real Predecessor of Modern Hypnosis. International Journal of Clinical and Experimental Hypnosis, 53(1), 1-12. doi: 10.1080/00207140490914207

I woke up to my dad staring blankly at the wall the morning of October 14, 2004. It was the day before my 23rd birthday. I knew this day was coming, but nothing would prepare me to wake up and find my dad no longer alive—just a lifeless shell. He had battled Hodgkin’s lymphoma for a year and a half. At 54, his time here was over.

After my mom and I had cried over his body and walked the body bag down the hall, we decided to go out for lunch. Such an odd next step after your father was here on earth and now is suddenly just … not. We ate steak and potatoes and drank Diet Coke in his honor. It’s these things, I’m pretty sure, that led him down the cancer path, but that’s another story.

When I got home from lunch, I was all alone in the apartment we had lived in together. Strange things started happening. The lights went on and off. The song “Time Is Ticking Out” by The Cranberries was stuck on repeat on my stereo, the caps and num locks on my keyboard blinked back and forth without me touching anything at all, and my quiet cat, Bastian, was staring up at the corner, meowing at the wall. I was sure this was my dad trying to communicate that he had crossed over.

When I looked at him earlier that day and had called out, “Dad?” as if he was going to respond to me … I knew he wasn’t there, but what an odd thing? How can you be there and then … just not be there anymore? This moment made me come to be obsessed with learning about near-death experiences and worlds beyond the physical.

As I attempted to maneuver life, I felt like everyone started to disappear. The relationships my dad had built slowly started to fade. People were as scared to see or talk to me as I was of them, fearful of dealing with the harsh realities that my father was no longer with us. This took such a toll on my heart, as I wanted so badly to connect but had no idea how. How could life have brought me to this place of being 23 and not able to enjoy my dad in my life? Why do other people get this opportunity, yet it was “stolen” from me?

The Real Truth About Death
I continued to explore spirituality, reading many books about near-death experiences. P.M.H. Atwater changed my life with her book, The Real Truth About Death. In this book, Atwater tells the story of physically dying three times, each time going deeper into the afterlife. After returning from the dead, she interviewed more than 3,000 people from around the world who also had near-death experiences. After reading this book, I fully believed there was life after death. How could there not be? So many people from all over the world telling similar stories of tunnels, light, loved ones who had passed greeting them, and many times someone telling them their time is not over and it’s time to go back … doctors who can verify that their heart stopped beating for long periods and they were thought to be totally dead … there are too many similarities from all walks of life, all religions and ages, not to believe.

One evening in September 2008, I had one of the most dramatic spiritual experiences of my existence. I remember this event very clearly because I was conscious for all of it. My father came to me as what I can only describe as a spiritual entity—a ball of energy and white light. I knew it was him because I could feel him. The last time I had felt him in that way, he was alive and here on earth. He told me, “You need to spend more time with your mom because you don’ t know how much longer she’s going to be here.” I took this information very seriously and decided to take the opportunity to have a big 27th birthday party and invite my mom.

The Red Party
In October 2008, I had a red-themed party. Everyone came dressed in their brightest red. It was so good to see my mom, as we were just beginning to become friends again after a long period of post-teenage-into-early-twenties angst and her not fully accepting me dating women (I’d like to note that on my dad’s deathbed, he asked my mom to please accept me for who I am. Without the acceptance, we probably would not have a relationship in life.) This would be the last birthday she would spend with me.

A few days later, I learned that my uncle had taken my mom to the hospital. She was feeling weak and wanted to get checked out. I had planned to meet some new web clients at a cafe on this particular day. I’ll never forget waiting for my clients to arrive and, in the meantime, getting the phone call from my mom. She never expressed too much sadness in my life, but on the other end of the line, she was crying. “Lisa, I have leukemia,” she said. My heart dropped into my stomach. I realized this could be the very moment my father tried to warn me about.

We started the cancer roller-coaster ride of deciding what chemo to get and hospital visits. A few months in, the doctors had told us she was officially in remission. Come to think of it, this may have been a lie my mom had told everyone so we wouldn’t worry. In April 2009, her doctors had a sit-down with us and had the dreaded “there’s nothing else we can do for you” conversation. “All of your inner organs have a tumor wrapped around them.” ARE YOU SERIOUS? Part of me thought it was all a joke, and the other part of me was like, OK … OK universe … I know what’s going to happen. You have prepared me for this once before, and I’m going to have to do this again.

“I’m Sorry You Won’t Have Parents”
Later that day, I sat at my mother’s feet as she placed herself in the Pepto Bismol-colored recliner I had slept in many a night. She said, “I’m sorry you’re not going to have any parents anymore.” (This sentence has echoed in my brain thousands of times since this moment.) We used our time wisely, attempting to get things in order (or at least as in order as my mother would let them be). We watched our favorite movies, like “The Golden Child,” and laughed and cried in each other’s arms. I told her how much I was going to miss her … how much she meant to me, how thankful I was for her having me and everything she did for me in her life. She confided in me about things she would have never told a soul if she had the opportunity to continue on. We giggled at night about farts and stinky feet. I stopped my life to spend as much time with her as I could. I knew this time was precious and measured by the universe. I wasn’t going to let one drop of it go.

I was with her during her last weeks on earth. As the day got closer, she began to see people. My dad and her mother had come to tell her it was soon time. She had also seen people in Bermuda shirts with red balloons getting ready to welcome her. She saw an angel and I asked her to describe her to me. Long, blonde hair, white light around her, beautiful white dress … I could tell my mom was readying herself to transition, and these greetings were comforting to her. I played Enya in the background. Got her a professional, cancer-trained masseuse. Asked friends to join us and play music. The dreaded coma before death finally began to set in, and I wasn’t sure what moment she was going to go; it seemed like every breath could be her last.

Before I left to get some sleep, my mom had woken up with that last energy thrust many speak about (my dad had done the same). She was thirsty and hadn’t had water in what felt like days. I had been wearing a special shirt just for my mom because she liked it. The last thing she ever said to me—and I have no idea how she could have even formed words, because she had been on the edge of death for so long—was, “That’s a pretty shirt.” Hours before she passed, I began to get blank emails sent from no one, with nowhere to reply to and no subject line. Friends came to spend last moments with her. Her body got cold, her temperature was no longer reading on a thermometer … and after midnight on June 23, 2009, I watched my mom take one last, long breath. I had been watching the heartbeat through her neck for hours; after the long sigh that came from her lips, there was no movement at all. She seemed to settle into a peaceful smile. Her brow had calmed … her last day on earth had finally come … and I realized all at once that I was actually, totally, and utterly alone.

I sat with her for a little while, until a crew of people came barreling in to “place” her body so that when rigor mortis set in, she wasn’t in a weird position. They told my uncle and me that we had about an hour and then had to leave, so we gathered up her things and walked out to the parking lot—which may have been even more weird than when I went out to lunch and then went home after my dad died. I told my uncle I loved him, went into my tired, blue jalopy, and cried harder than I had ever cried in my life. I wailed as the idea of being alone in the world sunk in … that I knew this day would come … but I was only 27 and would now have to live out the rest of my days attempting to make sense of being so young and without parents.

The days that followed were the most difficult in my life. Freshly moved by two beloved friends (I will never forget what you did for me) the day after my mom’s funeral, one by one everyone I knew went back to their regularly scheduled lives and I was left in an empty apartment, with no parents and way too much alone time.

A Turning Point
During my mom’s illness, I had started to paint whenever I came home from visiting her or when I felt sadness. Although I had gone to art school, I had never really done much work with the canvas. It gave me peace to move  paint around with a brush … my fingers … a random object. It was something I felt was beautiful, that I could control, and that helped me express feelings that continued to bottle up. This was the creative outlet I needed.

For several years, friends had asked me to submit to a local community art show. I felt finally this was the year I was going to submit. I found this painting I had worked on during my mom’s illness and decided to submit it to the show, completely releasing whether it would get bought and just focusing on the satisfaction of the simple act of submitting to a public show I’d always wanted to participate in.

I submitted it very last minute and the piece was placed in what I thought was a semi-punishing, badly lit area of the show. We spent hours at the show and, prior to our departure, my girlfriend and I stopped by for one more look—and there it was: a red dot! The piece had been sold!

Submitting this piece was a complete turning point for me. I learned that I had created a healing method that was between me and me. I could work through feelings by placing energy on the canvas, and suddenly I felt like negative energies such as fear and anxiety were being channeled and released on these canvases. The healing process had truly begun.

In April 2011, I decided I wanted to explore blogging. As a web designer, putting one together was easy, but what kind of writer was I? There was only one way to find out! I told myself that I would write when I felt pain and try to turn it into something positive, creating what has become a recipe book for myself and future life situations. My intention was to connect those who were suffering from parental loss, like I was, and to hopefully help myself and others heal through art, writing, and focusing on the positive. Thus, LosingYourParents.org was born.

My intention is to enjoy the time I have in this life, and if I’m not enjoying it, to figure out what I need to do to get unstuck. I got a tattoo that says “follow your bliss” to always remind me of this thing that can seem so easy to forget.

Using my blog and art has helped me tremendously through the healing process. Those of us who have lost our parents are forever changed and will never forget. I do have faith that if you’re dedicated to wanting to live a brighter, lighter life, doing the work, finding the tools, and feeling the feelings will help you move forward. It has helped me. You’ve got to feel to heal.

“Take a look at the bright side,” we tell our loved ones when they’re feeling down. “See the cup half full, not half empty.” We help lift our friends by saying, “Cheer up! Don’t dwell in the negative. Be grateful. Think about all that you have.” If it seems our friends suffer from low self-esteem, we extol their virtues and exclaim, “People are attracted to positivity in others. Think positive thoughts and good things will happen to you.”

We draw upon a large base of common wisdom in order to combat the slings and arrows of existence. And some of the time, we do all right. When a person carries a cheerful spirit into a room, there is a terrific splendor that is contagious. We support one another. We lend one another positive strength when needed.

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With all its potential for good, positive thinking can at times act as an oppressive tyrant, an enemy of happiness. After all, if the solution were so straightforward, if we could think our way into happiness, then our world wouldn’t be riddled with chronic misery. The mandate to be positive and cheerful in our culture is so pervasive and powerful, even people in psychotherapy feel a tremendous burden in simply communicating uncomfortable feelings to their therapists. Everyday popular treatment of emotions is hardly hearing someone out.

The darker social message of an individual who insists on surrounding himself or herself exclusively with positive energy sounds something like this: “Don’t whine. You sound like a baby. Get over it.” The culture of positivity often forgets the need for the yin and yang, the harmony of opposites. It can squash the voices of hurt, dissent, disagreement, and injustice. Even more oppressive: “You are weak. You’re taking on a victim mentality. Don’t be a victim.” The unwitting oppression marginalizes the voices of victims—victims of trauma, of physical, emotional, and sexual abuse.

The fact is painful experiences can be uncomfortable to listen to. Nobody wants to upset their friends and family with feelings of discomfort. So, people become terrified of identifying as a victim. They deny trauma they have endured in order to spare “burdening” loved ones. They fear being considered weak because they are being asked to do something impossible—to get over it and move on. But in the case of trauma, the attempt to forget about it is the problem. Those who are identified as “victims” in our culture display exceptional bravery, refusing to act as though their hurt has disappeared, succumbing to the majority’s desire for them to get over it. One cannot simply “move on.” To live a fully human life, one must embrace the good and the bad in themselves and others.

It is true that some people dwell in cycles of negativity. But how do we know when we should or shouldn’t attempt to lift them from their sorrows? The key is learning how to listen. At times a person needs to endure a feeling, state, or mood in order to grow. What the person needs is compassion—a trusted other to listen while he or she endures his or her difficulties. Attempts to redirect the other toward positivity may be well intended, but may also lack compassion. Advocating a shift into a positive perspective may be received by the other as dismissive, even uncaring, depending on whether the listener is truly attuned to his or her friend’s needs. After all, how can you truly listen to someone if you’ve already decided what he or she should feel and how he or she should think?

Having compassion means feeling with someone—finding one’s way across the barrier of alienation. Having a need to redirect a friend’s emotions may indicate a difficulty or unwillingness to join him or her in a troubled state. Some may fear being “pulled down” by another’s troubles. Underneath the demand for oneself and others to stay positive is a terror about what lay on the other side of life, the darker side. Under the driven, fiery force of positive thinking lay immense anxiety. Ultimately, that fear inhibits a more fruitful joy—that of authentic connection, an enduring togetherness in the wholeness of life.

At first glance, the injunction to bless and release sounds just beautiful, and so evolved. On reflection, it is missing a crucial component: learning from the experience before you let it go. Jumping right to bless and release without first opening to the lesson is like putting a Band-Aid on a broken leg. You may think you did something helpful, but it’s a superficial solution.

If it were that easy to just bless and release, people would forgive far more readily, and generally move through relationship roadblocks and inner conflicts with ease. As you know, nothing could be further from the truth.

If you take stock of a situation, ask yourself what you could glean from it, and then consciously open your heart, you will be more able to truly bless the people involved and let it go. The psychic lightness you experience as a result comes from true detachment.

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In Buddhism, the concept of detachment is often misunderstood. It does not mean detaching your love and caring from someone; rather, it is detachment from outcome. This requires an understanding of your expectations, even when they are not readily accessible. It’s just another good reason to take time to meditate, as it allows previously buried thoughts and feelings to emerge from your unconscious to your conscious mind.

Once you are aware of your expectations, i.e., your attachment to certain outcomes, you can work to release them. The first step in letting go is acknowledging the hold they have on you. Is there a pattern of thinking, judging, reacting, or expecting that has dogged you in the past? If so, please resist the temptation to blame yourself. Trust that you were doing the best you could, and refuse to enter the cycle of self-criticism, as it will only impede your progress.

Accepting other people’s different ways of being and behaving is a wonderful goal. Like all major cognitive and heart-opening shifts, it does not happen overnight. A good way to start is by being aware of your thought patterns, behaviors, and physical responses to certain people and situations. If you sense a tightness in your chest or abdomen, ask yourself what you might be thinking about someone’s behavior. Are you judging it? Are you being critical of his or her way of handling something? Are you comparing how you would do things differently? Breathe into whatever tightness you feel. Give yourself a cosmic permission slip to have those initial reactions without resorting to self-condemnation. Then ask yourself: “How would I rather think and feel about this person?”Imagine reacting that way. Use all five senses to really feel the difference. Now, notice any changes in your body.

If you like how you think and feel after that exercise, you may be ready to bless. Following the teaching of the Buddha on metta, or loving-kindness meditation, bless yourself first. To Western minds, this may appear selfish, but it sets the stage for opening your heart to others. Once you feel that positive intention toward yourself, you can bless the other person. A classic invocation is: “May you be peaceful, may you be happy, may you be free from suffering.”

If that felt good, let it all go. This is easier said than done, as humans can’t erase memories at will; however, you can let go of any residual negative feelings, such as anger, resentment, or jealousy, especially if you feel yourself joyfully moving forward.

Letting go is powerful psychological medicine when it is done with a truly forgiving heart. Be patient with yourself as you traverse this new territory, and practice self-forgiveness as it paves the way to being more loving and understanding of others.

Several years ago, sex advice columnist Dan Savage coined the term “monogamish” to refer to long-term committed relationships that bend the rules of monogamy with the consent of both parties. Since that time, he has published thousands of letters from people in monogamish relationships, thanking him for giving them permission to try an arrangement that works better for them.

Last year, Showtime began airing a reality show called Polyamory: Married and Dating, which takes a close look at the lives of polyamorous people. Polyamory is the practice of loving more than one person at a time. The show stars a polyamorous triad—three people in a committed, long-term relationship—and a polyamorous married couple who have serious committed relationships with people outside of their marriage.

Both Savage and the participants in the Showtime series have experienced some backlash for their advocacy of nontraditional relationships. But when nonmonogamous relationships are loving and consensual, participants in them believe they can strengthen marriages, serve individual needs, and increase intimacy. Unfortunately, people in these relationships often face immense stigma and even legal problems propelled by myths about nontraditional relationships.

Myth 1: Nonmonogamous relationships are a free-for-all.

People who cheat on their spouse are, technically speaking, not in a monogamous relationship. But when nonmonogamy is entered into openly and on a long-term basis, all partners typically obey a variety of rules. In Showtime’s show, the polyamorous triad navigates the consequences of one member breaking the rules, and the result is increased communication. Nonmonogamous relationships don’t work without rules, and often the discussion and renegotiation of these rules can contribute to deeper intimacy.

Myth 2: Nonmonogamy is an excuse to cheat.

By definition, nonmonogamy means that people don’t have sex with only one other partner. But this does not necessarily mean they can have sex with anyone. Successful nonmonogamous couples establish strong rules about what is and is not cheating, and frequently have veto power over who their partners sleep with. While it’s certainly possible for one partner to be pressured into nonmonogamy, these relationships generally don’t work unless both partners enter into the relationship willingly and lovingly.

Myth 3: Nonmonogamy is bad for children.

With the divorce rate in the United States hovering around 50% and the number of single parents rapidly increasing, most children see their parents involved in multiple romantic relationships over a lifetime. So long as children have consistency in their caregivers and are not subjected to an endless parade of people to whom they become attached and who then leave, nonmonogamy is not harmful. Nonmonogamy, after all, does not mean an abandonment of all social mores and norms, and nonmonogamous parents are just as capable of keeping their sex lives private as monogamous parents.

Myth 4: Nonmonogamy harms women.

Well-publicized cases of polygamy abuse are often the first things people think of when they consider nonmonogamous relationships. But modern nonmonogamous relationships are consensual for all parties. In these arrangements, it’s not just men who get to sleep with other people. Given that more women than men report being bisexual, nonmonogamy can provide a healthy sexual outlet for bisexual women who might not otherwise have such an outlet.

Myth 5: Nonmonogamy harms marriages.

Many people involved in monogamish relationships have been married for decades. When one partner’s desire wanes, nonmonogamy can provide a sexual outlet that sustains the marriage. Because nonmonogamy must be carefully negotiated and constantly reevaluated, these arrangements can bring married couples closer together and encourage open, honest dialogue. Sleeping with other people also does not have to compromise the marital bond. Married couples sometimes have sex with friends periodically while still sustaining their primary commitment to their spouses.

References:

1. Polyamory. (n.d.). Alternatives to Marriage Project. Retrieved from http://www.unmarried.org/polyamory.html
2. Savage, D. (n.d.). Monogamish couples share their stories. Washington City Paper. Retrieved from http://www.washingtoncitypaper.com/articles/42014/savage-love-monogamish-couples-share-their-stories/

Are you a “beaten dog”? Rest assured, I’m not calling anyone names here. But have you been kicked around, treated like nothing, and hurt? Do you not feel loved unless you are treated badly? This is what I mean when I say “beaten dog.” If you are offended, maybe some truth is staring you in the face. If you are not offended, I’m glad—and while this may not apply to you, perhaps it does apply to someone you know.

If it does apply to you and you can see how this role has affected your life, I want to apologize. No one should feel beaten, abused, and treated so poorly that he or she feels unworthy and believes life is cruel. I hope you seek help in breaking this mind-set and take hold of the reality that you ARE worthy!

Some questions you can ask yourself:

1. When someone is nice to me, do I question it? Do I question that the niceness is sincere?
2. When things are calm and smooth, do I need to throw a fit so that I can verify that I am loved via being yelled at?
3. Do I want or tend to take advantage of a person’s niceness because I believe I can?
4. Do I pick negative, hurtful people to be around?
5. Am I envious of others who are in healthy relationships?
6. Do I want a healthier relationship but believe I can’t have one?
7. Do I believe that this is how things will be for the rest of my life and that nothing—not even me—can change?

To change a self-belief statement or self-perception, admitting the need to change is a must. If you change for someone else, the change may not last long. Identifying how you respond to the above questions is key. Looking at ourselves can be a difficult and painful challenge, but it is where healing begins.

A self-belief statement can be defined as how you view who you are, how your “world” is, and how things (positive or negative) happen/happened to you. When someone is brought up in a negative, abusive, and painful environment, a negative self-belief is formed. The self-belief statement can be changed, but it can be difficult and takes time.

To change a negative self-belief statement:

1. Identify and be aware of your negative self-belief statement. As Dr. Phil says, you can’t change what you don’t acknowledge.
2. Self-examine your thoughts and mind-set, and take responsibility for why your belief statement is negative.
3. Acknowledge what you can and can’t change. Example: You can’t change what happened to you growing up, but you can change how you respond and whether the past controls you.
4. Grieve. You lost out on a healthier childhood, the unspoken expectation that the adults in your life would be there to help you grow. Let go of the pain. Mourn. Cry.
5. Forgive. It’s a hard thing to do. Forgiveness is for YOU, not for them. To lose the power that the past has over you, forgiveness is key. Forgive shortcomings, failures, pain, whatever. Let go. Forgive yourself for not being perfect. When you forgive, you’ll feel less weight on your shoulders and be able to move on a little easier. Forgiveness is a part of a cleansing process, allowing healing to begin.
6. Redefine yourself—who you want to be, how you want to be, the type of people you want to be around, etc. Your personality may not totally change, but you can choose to be happier, to not let the same roadblocks stand in your way, and to have healthier relationships. You can choose to be a person who is not going to allow yourself to be kicked around anymore. Find what is good in your life; maximize those things while minimizing your weaknesses.
7. Be at peace with yourself. Self-acceptance is a great accomplishment. No one can do this for you. When you love and accept you, other people will see that and be drawn to it. Self-acceptance allows your inner beauty to shine.

This is a process. It’s not always easy. Personal growth is not a straight journey. It has lumps, bumps, breaks, and is topsy-turvy. But if you are moving toward health, you will get there.

Recent research continues to support the connection between shyness and relationship challenges, with studies showing that shyness is “negatively associated with concurrent marital satisfaction” and linked to “declines in marital satisfaction” over time. While shyness may seem like a minor personality trait, emerging evidence suggests it can significantly impact romantic relationships and overall partnership satisfaction.

According to a landmark study by Sarah L. Tackett of the School of Family Life at Brigham Young University, shyness can indeed affect relationship dynamics. Her research examined how shyness affected self-esteem and relationship satisfaction in a sample of 14,807 romantic couples. While this foundational research from 2013 provided important insights, more recent studies have expanded our understanding of how personality traits like shyness influence romantic partnerships.

For the study, Tackett asked each partner to rate the other on levels of shyness. Then, each partner was to rate their own shyness and self-esteem. Finally, each partner was asked to rate their overall level of relationship satisfaction.

The results revealed that perceived shyness of one partner was directly predictive of that same partner’s low self-esteem and low relationship satisfaction. In other words, if a husband saw his wife as shy, the wife reported low levels of self-esteem and satisfaction with the relationship. The same pattern emerged when women perceived their partners as shy.

More recent research from 2021-2023 confirms these findings, showing that “shyness is negatively correlated with self-esteem” and that shy individuals often struggle with self-presentation, which can impact relationship dynamics. A comprehensive study of 1,020 women found that “shyness turned out to be negatively correlated with global self-esteem” and showed negative correlations with personal power, lovability, and relationship competencies.

These results show that shyness can create a path for unhappy relationships. Researchers believe there are many reasons for this trajectory:

Communication Challenges: Perhaps shy individuals are uncomfortable voicing their opinions and find it easier to accept an unsatisfying relationship than to pursue a new, more rewarding one. Recent studies confirm that “trait introversion was significantly associated with communication apprehension, including group discussion, meetings, and interpersonal” communication.

Self-Esteem Impact: It’s important to distinguish between normal shyness and social anxiety disorder, which “usually starts during childhood or adolescence and may resemble extreme shyness” but requires professional attention.

Limited Shared Experiences: When couples can engage in activities together, they can share the joy of those experiences. If one partner is introverted

Current research indicates that shyness “correlates with defensive styles of self-presentation” and “implies lower relationship satisfaction,” supporting the original study’s conclusions. However, newer studies also show that “individuals who had secure relationship attachments realized a buffering effect between shyness and well-being,” suggesting that “relationships can both minimize and maximize the negative effects of shyness”.

The research sheds light on some of the challenges couples with differing personality styles may face, but also points toward solutions. Recent therapeutic research shows that “integrative behavioral couple therapy (IBCT)” can help “improve constructive communication patterns and mitigate destructive ones in couples,” particularly benefiting “dyadic cohesion, affection, dyadic satisfaction, and dyadic consensus”.

For couples dealing with shyness-related relationship challenges, it’s important to understand that personality traits like shyness exist on a spectrum and can be addressed through therapy and communication strategies. Professional support can help partners understand each other’s needs and develop effective coping strategies.

*This information is not intended as a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition.*

Tackett, Sarah L.; Nelson, Larry J.; and Busby, Dean M. Shyness and relationship satisfaction: Evaluating the associations between shyness, self-esteem, and relationship satisfaction in couples. American Journal of Family Therapy. Jan/Feb2013, Vol. 41 Issue 1, p34-45. 12p. 1 Diagram, 1 Chart. DOI: 10.1080/01926187.2011.641864.

References:

1. Tackett, Sarah L.; Nelson, Larry J.; and Busby, Dean M. Shyness and relationship satisfaction: Evaluating the associations between shyness, self-esteem, and relationship satisfaction in couples. American Journal of Family Therapy. Jan/Feb2013, Vol. 41 Issue 1, p34-45. 12p. 1 Diagram, 1 Chart. DOI: 10.1080/01926187.2011.641864.
2. Baker, L., & McNulty, J. K. (2010). Shyness and marriage: Does shyness shape even established relationships? Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 98(6), 1048-1066. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/20363900/
3. Battle, N., & White, G. (2024). Intimate Introverts: Influence of Introversion on Self-Disclosure and Emotional Intimacy in Close Friendships. Journal of Mental Health and Social Behavior, 6(1), 188. https://gexinonline.com/uploads/articles/article-jmhsb-188.pdf
4. Bober, A., Gajewska, E., Czaprowska, A., Świątek, A. H., & Szcześniak, M. (2022). Impact of Shyness on Self-Esteem: The Mediating Effect of Self-Presentation. International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health, 19(1), 230. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC8744881/
5. Mandal, E. (2023). Shyness and self-esteem in women. The role of likeability, personal power, lovability, and self-worth conditioned by others’ approval. Current Issues in Personality Psychology, 11(4), 310–318. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC10699290/
6. National Institute of Mental Health. (2024). Social Anxiety Disorder: What You Need to Know. U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/social-anxiety-disorder-more-than-just-shyness
7. Rowsell, H. C., & Coplan, R. J. (2013). Exploring links between shyness, romantic relationship quality, and well-being. Canadian Journal of Behavioural Science, 45(4), 287-295.
8. Tackett, S. L., Nelson, L. J., & Busby, D. M. (2013). Shyness and relationship satisfaction: Evaluating the associations between shyness, self-esteem, and relationship satisfaction in couples. American Journal of Family Therapy, 41(1), 34-45.
9. Research team. (2023). Effects of integrative behavioral couple therapy on communication patterns and marital adjustment. Journal of Education and Health Promotion, 13, 280. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC11414875/

“I hate you!”

“You’re the worst parent who ever existed!”

“I can’t wait to move out!”

If you have recently heard these words (usually screamed at full volume, followed by the loud slamming of a bedroom door), you may be the parent of a teenager.

Only those of us with halos and wings are consistently able to respond to such statements with perfect compassion and sweetness: “I love you, honey, and I’ll be right here for you whenever you need me!” Parents are human beings, and as such we have a limited set of emotional reserves and resources, which can quickly become taxed by a raging or withdrawn teen.

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In fact, although you love your child as much as ever, you may be struggling with feelings of intense hurt, anger, dislike, distrust, grief, anxiety, and loneliness. You may feel that although you love your teenager, you just don’t like him or her very much right now. It may feel at times that your teenager has his or her finger on every one of your buttons, and is pushing them … all at once!

What can you do when the very child you love and worry over appears to hate and reject you as a parent?

Teens are known for their emotional volatility. Unfortunately, when parents become as overwhelmed by negative emotions as their teens are, they are no longer in a strong position to be stable, loving, or helpful to the teen. In fact, the parents’ hurt and anger can easily add fuel to the fire and bring about a downward spiral that both parents and teens feel helpless to stop.

To say teenagers value their friends and social life is an obvious understatement.  However, to family members around that teenager, it can seem as if by “choosing” to value their friends, the teen is showing the family that they no longer matter. Indeed, as illustrated by the quotes above, the average teenager may even say as much in the midst of an angry, hormone-fueled argument.

The traditional task of adolescence is to move away from exclusive identification with family and to explore the greater world outside of the home. Separation of the child from the parents is absolutely necessary and healthy at this stage. However, that separation must be counterbalanced by the availability of the parent to continue to meet the adolescent’s needs. Therefore, this is an extremely frustrating time for many parents.  They feel as if the teen is pushing the parent away, only to pull the parent back whenever he or she “wants something from me.”

In order for the adolescent to explore the larger world in a healthy way, the home and family must be a sort of “home base.” This means the teenager needs to experience his or her family as stable, its identity as stable, its love and acceptance as unconditional, and its boundaries as safe and secure.

Understand that by focusing on his or her peers, your teenager is not rejecting you. Instead, the teenager is simply transitioning through an intense period of changes. The teen needs the family life to remain solid and secure, so that he or she can return to it for comfort and healing when the peer world becomes too intense or overwhelming.

Teenagers may often resemble adults physically, but socially as well as cognitively, they still resemble children much more than adults. We now know that the human brain does not fully mature until the mid- to late twenties. Executive functions such as prioritizing, consequential thinking, and evaluating options are still coming online. Furthermore, teenagers do not have the life experience, confidence, or savvy to navigate the complicated demands of life as adults do.

Because of these factors, it can be useful for parents to see past the bravado and the occasional glimpses of maturity that their adolescent displays; to understand that, inside, there still exists the child who has needs he or she does not have words to express, who cannot meet those needs independently of the parent.

The family itself is also moving through a transition period. They must move into a new life stage, with new roles for each family member. It can be difficult to feel entirely ready for these changes. Many parents of teenagers experience this time as a loss: the loss of the innocent and impressionable child they once knew and enjoyed; the loss of the role of all-knowing nurturer and protector.

Parents often report that they feel that “time is running out.” When your 5-year-old threw a temper tantrum, you knew as a parent that you still had “endless” years in which to heal relationships and correct behavior. When your child is 15, you understand that the years are not endless and that damage done to the relationship now may persist into your child’s adulthood.

Because the family is a “safe launching pad” for their forays into the larger world, teenagers move into and out of their family, and not always on the parents’ timeline. Your teen may refuse to join you for dinner, hiding out in his or her room; he or she may seem to eat, sleep, and shower with iPod headphones on. He or she may argue endlessly over attending important family functions such as weddings or funerals. And, just when you think the teen has disowned the family forever, there he or she is, curling up next to you to watch a movie or opening up from the passenger seat on a long drive.

Recognize your teenager’s attempts to reach out to you for what they are: The teen is looking for reassurance from you that he or she is still a part of the family; he or she wants to know that no matter what he or she screamed at you last week, you still love him or her. The teen needs to feel certain that if the “real world” becomes too scary, he or she still has a safe place to return. In order to practice being an adult, your teen needs to periodically return to being a child—and this will happen when you least expect.

Nobody said being the parent of a teenager is always easy, fun, or fair. As the adult in the relationship, it is you who holds the responsibility. It is you whose role, although different, is still most important in these last years of your child’s development. It is you who must keep the gates of the family open for your teen when he or she needs to reenter them.

Once you can view your teen’s behavior from this developmental context, you can depersonalize it. It is no longer about your teen’s rejection or manipulation; it’s an understandable and necessary stage in his or her journey to reaching his or her own, full potential as a young adult. It becomes easier and more natural to meet the ebbs and flows of your teen’s changing needs. Even when, sometimes, the need is for separation from the parent.

Marriage counseling can save your marriage, prepare you for the stress of a baby, help you communicate more effectively, and get you on track for a lifetime of love. But when marriage counseling doesn’t work, it’s like throwing away money. This can make marriage problems even worse; studies show that many couples tend to fight often about money, and the false hope given by bad marital therapy can lead to despair and increased conflict.

If you need help in your relationship, it’s usually not enough to pick the first therapist you find online or on your insurance plan. Not every marriage counselor works well for every couple, and couples seeking help need to find someone who works for their specific situation.

Reputation and Recommendations
Recommendations from friends and other people you trust can be a great starting point for finding a therapist. If you’ve noticed meaningful change in someone else’s relationship, the odds are good that his or her therapist is doing something right.

If you can’t rely on recommendations from friends, read online reviews and check out discipline records with licensing boards. A therapist with a stellar reputation—particularly one who has been in practice for several years—is likely one who has a long history of helping couples wade through difficulties.

Shared Values
Marriage counselors each have their own approach to marriage. Some draw on biblical principles, while others are influenced by feminism and humanism. You don’t need to agree with your therapist about everything, but you do need a therapist who shares your core values.

If you and your spouse are struggling to build an egalitarian relationship in which you share chores, you need a therapist who recognizes this goal as important and who has helped similar couples. If you’re deeply religious, you need someone who understands the important role faith plays in your marriage. If you start therapy and your counselor makes a recommendation that runs counter to your core values, find someone else.

Strategy
A therapist isn’t a paid friend. And while marriage counselors can serve as referees and mediators, this should not be their only role. Your therapist should have a specific strategy for helping you move past marital issues.

Ask your therapist how he or she wants to proceed with treatment, and if there’s a specific therapeutic modality he or she uses. After you’re in therapy, if you don’t feel like the therapist takes control and directs the session, it may not be a good fit.

In therapy, many people want results without having to make lifestyle changes. If your therapist doesn’t call you on problematic behaviors or make suggestions about what you can do at home in between therapy sessions, he or she might not be proactive enough to help you navigate the storms of marriage.

Results
After you’re in counseling, the key measure of success is results. Your marriage won’t be changed after one session or even five, but if you’re slogging out your differences in therapy week after week with no change, it’s time to move on.

Some people get stuck with an ineffective therapist because they like the therapist or because they’re not carefully monitoring results. But good counseling works, and if you don’t notice changes within a few months, find someone else.

Questions to Ask
A good therapist will happily answer your questions, so if you struggle to get information, this is a glaring red flag. Some questions to consider asking in your first few sessions include:

• How long have you been in practice?
• How do you define success? How will we know we’re making progress?
• How long can we expect to be in therapy?
• How much of your practice is devoted to marriage counseling?
• What is your background and training?
• Do you think divorce is ever an option? Would you ever recommend divorce?

References:

1. Harley, W. F., Jr. (n.d.). How to find a good marriage counselor. Marriage Builders. Retrieved from http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7100_counselor.html
2. Meineke, S. A. (n.d.). How to choose a marriage counselor. Center for Marriage. Retrieved from http://www.centerformarriage.com/how_to_choose_marriage_counselor.html
3. Questions to ask a marriage therapist. (n.d.). The National Registry of Marriage Friendly Therapists. Retrieved from http://www.marriagefriendlytherapists.com/questionstoaskatherapist.php