We all know an adrenaline junkie: the friend who jumps out of airplanes for fun, the sibling who spends her time traveling to war-ravaged countries, or the co-worker who spends her weekends speeding on a motorcycle. Adrenaline rushes are readily available at just about every turn. A number of factors can affect whether a person ends up a risk taker or a quiet homebody, but there’s evidence that a little risk-taking now and again is good for almost everyone.

Effects on the Brain

Risk-taking causes real changes in the brain, which might account for why risk-takers quickly seem to become adrenaline addicts. Major risks release adrenaline, which can lead to a quick rush, and dopamine, which causes intense feelings of pleasure. While these chemicals contribute to a powerful high in most people, the feelings can be especially addictive to people who are struggling with feelings of sadness or depression. Over time, risk-taking can function much like a drug. Risk-takers may need bigger risks to get the same rush, and mundane daily activities can start to seem boring and painful.

Personality

Personality plays a major role in an individual’s propensity for risk-taking behavior. While it might seem like those who worry excessively don’t make for ideal risk-takers, some studies indicate that people who score high on neuroticism – a combination of anxiety, moodiness, and worry – are more likely to become risk-takers. The data is not conclusive, though, and some studies have found that risk-takers actually score lower on measures of neuroticism than the general population.

Personality can also affect the kinds of risks a person is willing to take. The dedicated smoker might be terrified of heights, driving, or illness, without ever recognizing that smoking is a risky behavior. Some adrenaline junkies have a preferred risk-taking behavior, and this could be correlated with personality. People who love novelty, for example, might travel to dangerous locations, while people who are highly physical might get their adrenaline rush from rock climbing or mountain biking.

Culture and Peers

Cultural influences play a huge role in whether or not people are willing to take risks. As travel – particularly to remote locations – has become a part of the educational path of middle class students, more and more students are willing to travel to potentially risky locations. Peer pressure plays a huge role in risk-taking, and study after study has shown that people are more likely to take risks in a group setting.

Benefits of Risk-Taking

While some risky behaviors might not be worth their potential consequences, risk-taking in small doses is almost universally beneficial for your brain and mental health. Novel experiences can help to ward off depression and reinvigorate a stale relationship. Risk-taking is often a necessary prerequisite for starting a new business or launching a new career, and the excitement associated with uncertainty can be a powerful antidote to boredom and even depression. Because dopamine produces a natural high, risk-taking behaviors can help you get a positive mood and a new perspective without the risks associated with drug use.

References:

1. Adrenaline rush: The science of risk. (n.d.). Museum of Science, Boston. Retrieved from http://www.mos.org/imax/adrenaline-rush
2. Gardner, M., & Steinberg, L. (2005). Peer Influence on Risk Taking, Risk Preference, and Risky Decision Making in Adolescence and Adulthood: An Experimental Study. Developmental Psychology, 41(4), 625-635. doi: 10.1037/0012-1649.41.4.625
3. Park, A. (n.d.). Why we take risks — it’s the dopamine. Time. Retrieved December 30, 2008, from http://www.time.com/time/health/article/0,8599,1869106,00.html

Very few people in Western cultures enforce or even endorse arranged marriages. The thought of having your spouse picked out by your parents can be repulsive to many young adults. They often view the opportunity to sow their own oats and experience the rush of first love as a fundamental rite of passage into adulthood. It is a process that is born of free will, choice and many believe, should be the sole privilege and right of the individual seeking a partner. But for Eastern societies, arranged marriages are not only encouraged, they are required. It is when Eastern and Western cultures clash that the problems arise.

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A recent article describes some of the benefits and pitfalls to arranged unions. First, parents who favor arranged marriages believe that they are more experienced and objective than their children. They will be able to make better, less impulsive choices regarding a compatible, and often financially supportive mate than their child will. In many cultures, disobeying the arrangement can lead to disownment and exile from the family. But for the children, arranged marriages can cause fear and resentment. Many young people long for the chance to find their perfect soul mate, the one who makes their heart flutter and their palms sweat. They want to experience intimacy on many levels with that person before they make the commitment to spend the rest of their lives with them.

But do parents know best? Parents often arrange marriages for their children because doing so will ensure that their child stays vigilant in their religious beliefs. People from different cultures often see freedom of religion as a threat and are afraid of the varying views in Western societies. “The human mind finds security in habit so adjusting is hard and change is frightening,” says psychologist Jade Caton. That is why, according to Caton, many parents insist on arranged marriages. And maybe they are on to something. According to some research conducted in India, couples in arranged marriages have more extended periods of being in love than partners who choose their own mates. And arranged marriages end in divorce about 10 times less often than nonarranged marriages. But for young adults who cannot see past the pursuit and passion that come from falling in love, these statistics are often merely academic.

Reference:
Han, Mayzin. (2013). First comes marriage, then comes love. Spark Magazine (n.d.): n. pag. Web. http://www.sparksunderland.com/featured/2013/04/first-comes-marriage-then-comes-love/

Picture someone with attention-deficit hyperactivity. Odds are good you’re envisioning a child who can’t sit still zooming around his or her classroom, struggling with grades, and driving parents crazy. But ADHD isn’t just for children. Some kids grow out of this diagnosis or develop coping skills, but others continue to struggle as adults—some of whom were never diagnosed as children.

Children have the benefit of existing under the watchful eye of adults who can advocate for their interests. Adults, however, may struggle for years before they realize that their procrastination, difficulty concentrating, and trouble completing tasks are the result of ADHD, not a personal failing.

What Is Adult ADHD?
Adult ADHD is the same issue that children experience, but it can manifest in different forms. Children may struggle with school or making friends, but life-altering consequences from the condition in childhood are rare. In adulthood, however, failing to turn in a presentation, skipping a semester of college, or being unable to listen to a spouse can end in catastrophe. Consequently, adults who have ADHD—particularly if they’re not getting appropriate treatment—may have more dramatic difficulties than children, and often get much less sympathy.

Recognizing Symptoms
Symptoms of adult ADHD may include:

• Difficulty listening to others, trouble responding appropriately in conversation, or focusing on side details rather than the main point of a discussion.
• Procrastination and difficulty planning.
• Extreme disorganization that interferes with functioning; for example, forgetting to deposit checks or failing to bill clients.
• Trouble remaining focused on a task, even an important or fun one.
• Making careless mistakes.
• Zoning out in conversations.
• Anger.
• Restlessness and feeling unable to sit still.
• Impatience.
• Inability to tolerate boredom.
• Frequent fidgeting.
• Alternating between being excessively focused on a task—for example, reading for 12 hours—and being unable to focus on anything.

Adult ADHD and Other Mental Health Conditions
Some people with adult ADHD initially seek help for a different condition, such as depression or anxiety. The frustration ADHD can cause frequently leads to other symptoms. An adult with the issue might have trouble in his or her relationships, struggle to keep a job, have a hard time managing finances, frequently lose his or her temper, or experience low self-esteem. If the symptoms are caused by ADHD, treating depression or anxiety sometimes won’t help, which can add to the frustration.

In other cases, ADHD can co-occur with other mental health issues, and people with ADHD are more likely to be depressed than those without. If you’re experiencing symptoms of two different conditions, it’s often helpful to treat the one that’s causing you the most discomfort first. If your inability to focus is making you depressed, focus on that. But if your procrastination is a small problem and constant feelings of sadness are leaving you hopeless, it may be better to treat depression first.

Getting Help
Medication—including stimulants such as Adderall and Ritalin—and therapy can help people with ADHD, but this doesn’t mean you’ll have to be in treatment for the rest of your life. Simple lifestyle remedies such as staying meticulously organized, planning ahead, meditating, and adopting strategies for focusing can make a big difference. Seek treatment providers who specialize in ADHD. They’re more likely to understand the effects these issues can have on adults, and can recommend successful coping strategies.

References:

1. Adult ADD. (n.d.). Dr Hallowell RSS. Retrieved from http://www.drhallowell.com/add-adhd/adult-add/
2. Adults with ADHD. (n.d.). CHADD. Retrieved from http://www.chadd.org/Understanding-ADHD/Adults-with-ADHD.aspx
3. McGillivray, J., & Baker, K. (2008). Effects of Comorbid ADHD with Learning Disabilities on Anxiety, Depression, and Aggression in Adults. Journal of Attention Disorders,12(6), 525-531. doi: 10.1177/1087054708320438

Being stalked can be paralyzingly frightening. Victims aren’t traumatized just once; they’re perpetually unsettled by attempts at contact and often begin to feel like there’s no safe place to go.

The Bureau of Justice Statistics reports that about three million people are stalked every year, most by people they know—often a former intimate partner. As many as 10% of stalking victims fear for their lives, and all victims face massive disruptions to their routines. While stalking, like domestic violence, has been around for generations, it has been only in recent years that the issue has been taken seriously, and many victims may be hesitant to seek help.

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What Is Stalking?

At its core, stalking consists of repeated attempts to gain control over or terrorize someone. Stalking exists on a continuum. On the lower end, it might involve repeated phone calls, letters, or email contacts. In its more extreme manifestations, however, stalking might involve repeatedly going to a person’s house, making threats against a person, harming pets, stealing possessions, or interfering with a person’s relationships with friends, family, or coworkers. Stalkers may alternate between patterns of domestic violence and stalking.

Each state establishes its own legal criteria for stalking. Laws generally require multiple unwanted contacts and mandate that a victim fear for his or her safety. A coworker who comes back to see a person at his or her office daily, for example, would not be stalking, and a secret admirer who sends flowers once per week is not necessarily a stalker. Repeated contacts rise to the level of stalking when they’re designed to gain power over a person and cause emotional terror.

Why Do People Stalk?

Stalkers often emphasize that they “love” their victims and occasionally say they stalk to keep others safe. For example, an abusive ex-husband might say he stalks his ex-wife to ensure she’s properly caring for their children. Psychologically, however, stalking is a crime of control. Stalkers see their victims as possessions who are rightfully theirs, and stalking behavior is frequently activated by a breakup or an ex-partner’s new relationship.

Some mental health issues can lead to stalking. People with personality issues such as a borderline personality diagnosis may have trouble letting go of relationships and sometimes use manipulative tactics to control people. Erotomania is a delusion in which a person believes that another person—often a celebrity—is in love with him or her, and this can lead to stalking. However, not all stalkers have mental health conditions, and the overwhelming majority are men. Cultural and gender norms may contribute to stalking behavior.

What Can Victims Do to Get Help?

If you’re being stalked, don’t make excuses for the stalker or tell yourself you are overreacting. Tell a friend or family member what’s happening so you have a support person and a witness. If you are in immediate danger or are being followed, dial 911. There’s no price for overreacting, but underreacting to stalking can, in extreme cases, be fatal. Other things you can do to remain safe:

• Change your routine frequently so that it is more difficult for your stalker to find you.
• Instruct friends, family, and employers not to give out information about you without your express permission.
• Keep a log of every incident so you have evidence if you need to press charges.
• Seek a restraining order against the stalker, and call the police immediately if he or she violates the order.

References:

1. Help for victims. (n.d.). Stalking Resource Center. Retrieved from http://www.victimsofcrime.org/our-programs/stalking-resource-center/help-for-victims
2. King, M. W., & Sivak, A. (n.d.). Stalking: New studies shed light on a crime that terrorizes its victims. National Crime Prevention Council. Retrieved from http://www.ncpc.org/programs/catalyst-newsletter/catalyst-newsletter-2009/volume-30-number-11/stalking-a-new-study-sheds-light-on-a-crime-that-repeatedly-terrorizes-its-victims
3. Stalking. (n.d.). National Institute of Justice. Retrieved from http://www.nij.gov/topics/crime/stalking/
4. Stalking. (n.d.). USDOJ: Office on Violence Against Women: Crimes of Focus: Stalking. Retrieved from http://www.ovw.usdoj.gov/aboutstalking.htm

Visions of winning the lottery are enough to turn just about anyone into a dreamer who fantasizes about helping family members, starting charities, and—of course—buying a few nice cars and homes. But a 2006 study published in the Journal of Health Economics found that while lottery winners experience extreme happiness after winning, their happiness levels return to pre-lottery levels not long after.

For some lottery winners, winning the jackpot leads to utter misery. Bankruptcies, divorce, family troubles, and mental health issues including suicidal ideation sometimes come along with winning the lottery; many winners have met disastrous or tragic ends. How can a dream come true turn so rapidly into a nightmare?

Massive Change
Statistically speaking, happy life events such as the birth of a baby, a new marriage, or buying a house are among the most stressful experiences a person can have. Lifestyle changes require rapid adjustments, personality alterations, and negotiation of new boundaries and relationships with loved ones.

The lottery is no different. Going from rags to riches overnight can be overwhelming. Not only must a lottery winner plan for what to do with the money, he or she must negotiate changed relationships with friends and family, the challenges of a new lifestyle, and the potential boredom that comes with no longer working. People are vulnerable to depression and anxiety during major life changes, and the lottery may ignite a cascade of negative psychological and interpersonal events.

Poor Preparation
Low-income people are more likely to play the lottery than other groups; some analysts have even argued that the lottery functions as a “tax on the poor.” People who are unaccustomed to balancing complex budgets may be ill-prepared for the financial demands that come with winning the lottery. A $100 million jackpot might sound like a lot, but when it’s split between 20 relatives, a dozen charities, 10 new cars, and five houses, it’s not what it’s cracked up to be. Predatory financial planners may also prey on lottery winners, taking large commissions in exchange for poor or nonexistent advice.

Unceasing Demands
The moment a lottery winner wins, the phone starts ringing. Charities, friends, family members, and political causes all want a piece of the action. The price of saying no can be costly, particularly among family members who don’t understand why deep-pocketed lottery winners can’t finance their dreams—or at least their basics. Relationships may be left permanently broken, and the constant demands from strangers and loved ones can be crushing.

Little Credibility
Unlike people who build businesses or even inherit their money from successful parents, lottery winners might not be readily welcomed into the club of the super rich, and they may be derided as simply lucky. A lottery winner who dreams of building a charity or a new business might be questioned about his or her competence. Jealousy over winnings can cause people to say hurtful, mean-spirited things, and a lottery winner might spend the rest of his or her life hearing that the good fortune is not deserved. Pressure in the form of stress, anxiety, guilt, and self-image issues can add up.

References:

1. Adams, S. (2012, November 28). Why winning Powerball won’t make you happy. Forbes. Retrieved from http://www.forbes.com/sites/susanadams/2012/11/28/why-winning-powerball-wont-make-you-happy/
2. Doll, J. (2012, March 30). A treasury of terribly sad stories of lottery winners. The Atlantic Wire. Retrieved from http://www.theatlanticwire.com/national/2012/03/terribly-sad-true-stories-lotto-winners/50555/
3. Spector, D., Lubin, G., & Kelley, M. (n.d.). 18 signs that the lottery is preying on America’s poor. Business Insider. Retrieved from http://www.businessinsider.com/lottery-is-a-tax-on-the-poor-2012-4?op=1

The sex talk is enough to send just about any parent into a tailspin of anxiety. Such anxiety can affect the quality of the conversation, your child’s attitudes about sex, and your child’s willingness to come to you with future sex-related questions. If your kid thinks he or she is going to be met with an anxious, flustered parent who conveys negativity, the child is much more likely to consult a friend—which can lead to misinformation.

Before you talk with your child about sex, you’ll need to examine your own attitudes so that you can convey comfort and confidence. While there’s no guarantee that you can completely move past your anxiety, there are a few things you can do to minimize it.

Examine Your Own Attitudes
Before you begin trying to shape your child’s attitudes about sex, look at your own ideas. Many parents, for example, want children to have healthy attitudes toward sex but feel uncomfortable with the topic themselves. Children believe what their parents do, not what they say, and no matter how positively you speak, negativity will rub off on your child.

Spend some time thinking about particular topics that make you uncomfortable and examine why these might be hot-button issues for you. If you have sexual issues of your own, it’s a good idea to talk to a therapist before you talk to your child. If there’s a specific topic that makes you uncomfortable, try delegating that topic to your spouse or a trusted family friend.

Start Early
There’s no way you can convey all the information your child needs to know about sex in a single talk, and trying to do so can spell disaster. Parents should start talking to their children about sex early, and continue providing age-appropriate information as children develop.

Starting early can help you move past your own anxiety. After all, it’s usually easier to talk to an adoring 6-year-old than to a judgmental teenager. By starting early, you get into the habit of talking about sex with your child, and this can make it easier to talk about other challenging subjects as your child gets older.

Make It Natural
Anything can start a conversation—a television show, news story, or the experience of a family member. There’s no need to corner your child and start a highly serious talk. Instead, use every opportunity you can to talk about sex in a comfortable, low-key environment.

When you let the conversation flow naturally, you’re less likely to build up dread. Conversations that occur as part of everyday events tend to be shorter, too, which can help reduce anxiety and stress.

Lower the Stakes
Sex conversations can seem like high-stakes talks, during which you must give every conceivable piece of information your child might ever need. This attitude can contribute to parental anxiety and make your child not want to talk to you about sex again.

Instead, try treating sex like any other topic, raising it in an easy, low-key manner. Pretend you’re talking about how to safely cross the road or how to kick a soccer ball. Heavy-handed approaches may be more likely to be met with skeptical, dismissive, or even rebellious reactions.

Ask for Feedback
Most parents’ conversations with their children are two-sided. You might each share what you did during the day or discuss your thoughts on a family member or political issue. But parents tend to make the sex talk one-sided, lecturing their children and expecting them to take in a huge quantity of information.

This practice not only makes it less likely that your child will get good information, it can also increase your anxiety. Instead, try asking your child his or her thoughts, asking how much he or she has learned, or even asking if the child feels like he or she can trust the information you’re giving. This gives your kid a chance to provide feedback and ask questions, and makes the sex talk seem much more like any other conversation.

References:

1. Park, A. (2009, December 07). Parents’ sex talk with kids: Too little, too late. Time Magazine. Retrieved from http://www.time.com/time/health/article/0,8599,1945759,00.html
2. Talking with kids about sex and relationships. (n.d.). Talk With Your Kids. Retrieved from http://www.talkwithkids.org/sex.html

Church attendance in the United States has been dwindling over the past several decades, with people who regularly attend church now accounting for a minority of the population. More than 90% of Americans, however, report that they believe in God, with many harboring faith but not participating in formal religion. More than 30% of Americans report that they are spiritual but not religious.

Spiritual people don’t subscribe to a single set of beliefs. They may simply believe in God but dislike formal religion, or they may combine practices from a variety of religions. Spirituality is frequently associated with new-age and alternative religious practices. A new study published in the The British Journal of Psychiatry finds that people who identify as spiritual are more likely to experience a wide variety of mental health issues than both nonreligious and traditionally religious people.

The Study
The study, which was conducted by researchers at University College of London, involved surveys of 7,403 randomly selected participants. Each participant was asked about his or her religious beliefs, emotional state, history of drug use, history of addiction, and history of mental health issues. Thirty-five percent reported that they were religious. Nineteen percent reported that they were spiritual, and 43% reported no religious affiliation.

The Results
On nearly every measure of psychological well-being, people who described themselves as “spiritual but not religious” fared more poorly than other study participants. Notable findings:

• Spiritual people were more likely to have used drugs than nonreligious and traditionally religious people. They were also more likely to report drug dependence. Thirty percent of spiritual people had used drugs, compared to 16% of religious respondents. Five percent of spiritual people reported drug dependence, but only 2% of religious respondents reported addiction issues.
• Spiritual people were more likely to experience mental health issues such as depression, generalized anxiety, and phobias.
• Spiritual people were more likely to take psychoactive medications.

What Does It Mean?
While the study shows that spiritual people may be more vulnerable to mental health issues, it provides little information about why. It could be that people are more likely to identify as spiritual when they have a mental health issue; it could also be that something about spirituality makes people more vulnerable to mental health issues.

Religion provides significant social support, as well as an explanation for life’s suffering. It could be that, absent this support, people are more vulnerable to mental struggles. But even the nonreligious people in the study had better mental health than the marginally religious spiritual people, so the psychological benefits of religion don’t tell the whole story. While more research needs to be done, some possible explanations include:

• People who identify as spiritual are more likely to admit to mental health conditions or more likely to diagnose themselves with mental health issues.
• People who identify as spiritual may receive lower-quality treatment or be less likely to seek treatment, which can lead to more severe mental health issues.
• People may become spiritual because they’re searching for answers, and this search could be spurred by drug addiction or mental issues.
• The study could be a fluke; future research will need to duplicate the results before mental health professionals can state with certainty that spiritual people are more vulnerable to mental health issues.

References:

1. Castella, T. D. (2013, March 01). Spiritual, but not religious. BBC News. Retrieved from http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-20888141
2. Corner, D. (2006). The impact of spirituality on mental health: A review of the literature[PDF]. London: The Mental Health Foundation.
3. Gallup, G. H., Jr. (2003, February 11). Americans’ spiritual searches turn inward. Gallup. Retrieved from http://www.gallup.com/poll/7759/americans-spiritual-searches-turn-inward.aspx
4. Merica, D. (2013, January 9). The spiritual but not religious likely to face mental health issues, drug use, study says. CNN Belief Blog RSS. Retrieved from http://religion.blogs.cnn.com/2013/01/09/the-spiritual-but-not-religious-likely-to-face-mental-health-issues-drug-use-study-says/
5. Newport, F. (2011, June 3). More than 9 in 10 Americans continue to believe in God. Gallup. Retrieved from http://www.gallup.com/poll/147887/americans-continue-believe-god.aspx
6. Spirituality ‘link’ to mental illness. (2013, January 2). PubMed Health. Retrieved from http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/behindtheheadlines/news/2013-01-02-spirituality-link-to-mental-illness-/

Insecurity is one of the trickiest relationship issues because it tends to create a self-perpetuating cycle. Insecure people frequently cling to their partners, which causes their partners to pull away, worsening the insecurity.

Feelings of insecurity often begin with family-of-origin issues or unhealthy early relationships. In many people, these experiences may interfere with their ability to choose good partners; some insecure people may choose partners who make the insecurity worse. There’s no quick fix for anxiety, and some people need therapy to move past anxiety in relationships, but there are several steps you can take to reduce it:

Determine the Cause

Not all insecurity is unwarranted. Objectively examine the behavior of your partner. Is he or she honest? Does he or she respond to your basic needs? Does he or she seem concerned about your feelings?
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If you’re not getting what you need in your relationship, your insecurity might be the other person’s problem, not yours. But this doesn’t mean you can force your partner to fix it. If your partner refuses to meet reasonable emotional needs, you can either end the relationship or find other ways to meet your needs, perhaps by taking up a hobby, expanding your circle of friends, or finding fulfillment in your work.

Negotiate Relationship Rules

Every relationship serves as a sort of mini-government that establishes its own rules and standards of behavior. Something that’s OK in your relationship might not be OK in another person’s relationship.
Talk to your partner about how you want your relationship to function and how each of you can get your needs met. You might, for example, agree that you need a lot of verbal reassurance, while your partner benefits more from favors and nice gestures.

When insecurity is a chronic problem, you should talk openly and honestly about it so that your partner knows you might need extra reassurance. If you have a disagreement about what constitutes a fundamental need, you might need to get out of the relationship or find another way to meet your needs.

Avoid Mind Reading

No two people think exactly alike, and what might mean absolute rejection to you could just be an oversight or misstatement by your partner.
Mind reading can contribute to insecurity when you make assumptions about your partner’s thoughts rather than asking him or her about them. If you’re feeling unsure of something, express this to your partner and ask for clarification.

Quit the Comparison Game

Almost any relationship, no matter how troubled, can look perfect from the outside looking in. Don’t compare your relationship to other people’s relationships, and avoid comparing your current partner to past partners.
It’s easy to find your partner’s weaknesses and assume that he or she doesn’t love you, and when you compare relationships, you’re much less likely to compare your partner’s positive traits to other people’s negative traits. Accept your partner for who he or she is and work on your relationship where it is rather than aspiring to emulate a relationship that might not even be real.

Look for the Positive

Confirmation bias is a psychological phenomenon that causes people to look for evidence of what they already believe to be true. If you’re convinced that your partner doesn’t love you, you might see his or her failure to say he/she loves you on the phone as irrefutable evidence that love has died.
But when you look for confirmation of the positive aspects of your relationship, you’re also more likely to find these. Focus on your partner’s positive traits, and interpret ambiguous statements and actions as positively as possible. In minor cases of insecurity, this can be all it takes to move past anxiety.

References:

1. 20 ways to beat relationship insecurity. (n.d.). YourTango. Retrieved from http://www.yourtango.com/200948412/how-beat-relationship-insecurity
2. Cassidy, J., & Shaver, P. R. (1999). Handbook of attachment: Theory, research, and clinical applications. New York, NY: Guilford Press.

It’s a classic dynamic in nearly every relationship: One partner tends to be the more vocal, outwardly emotional communicator, while the other partner is stoic, bottled-up, and emotionally reserved. Sometimes, one partner can be both. When the communicator tries to get the bottle to open up, the result can be a tug of war that ends in criticism and distancing. In a recent article, licensed clinical social worker Terry Gaspard describes why the “pursuer-distancer” pattern can be lethal to your marriage. Gaspard says that even though the pursuer partners, usually women, have nothing but good intentions when they try to coerce their spouses to crack open their emotional vaults, they approach it the wrong way.

Harassing and nagging a reserved person to communicate will usually cause that person to close up more tightly. They can become avoidant, angry, defensive, and even hostile. The nagging partner will then escalate the nagging, maybe throwing in a little criticism as a negative motivator, all with the goal of creating a more intimate union with their spouse. Relationship expert Dr. John Gottman also warns against pushing your relationship into this downward spiral. He believes that gender differences are at the core of how partners communicate. He suggests that if communication issues are developing in a relationship, the couple should examine how they are addressing those issues before they find themselves in the pursuer-distancer­ vortex.

Gaspard notes that our culture is partly responsible for perpetuating this destructive dance. “The irony of the pursuer-distancer pattern is that it’s reinforced by popular self-help books and websites to save your marriage,” said Gaspard. Even therapists encourage their clients to develop healthy communication strategies. But without proper guidance, couples can enter into a dialogue without boundaries that can quickly take on a life of its own. Gaspard suggests that couples remain open with each other and think of communicating honestly as a way to share information with each other. Learning more about your partner’s feelings should be a pleasure, not a chore.

Reference:
Gaspard, Terry. (2013). How the pursuer-distancer pattern can destroy your marriage. (n.d.): n. pag. Huffington Post. Web. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/terry-gaspard-msw-licsw/how-the-pursuerdistancer-_b_2856533.html

We all engage in manipulation from time to time. When your boss asks you what you thought of his or her terrible presentation and you render lavish praise, you’re concealing your real feelings in an attempt to elicit the reaction you want from someone in power. But in close interpersonal relationships, manipulation can take on a much darker hue, leaving its targets never quite knowing where they stand.

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The very nature of manipulation makes it challenging to know when you’re being manipulated. Manipulators attempt to conceal their motives and feelings, and their targets—who often struggle to sustain an honest, open, and manipulation-free relationship—may have to do some detective work to determine whether they’re being played.

What Is Manipulation?
Manipulation is the process of trying to change another person’s feelings, beliefs, or behaviors through indirect tactics. Rather than asking for what they want, manipulative people tend to use deception, coercion, even threats to get their needs met.

Manipulation is associated with a number of mental health conditions, including borderline personality disorder, passive-aggressive personality disorder, addiction, antisocial personality disorder, and narcissism. Not all manipulative people have mental health issues, but when manipulation becomes a primary style of interaction, it can indicate an underlying psychological issue.

Tactics Manipulators Use
If you’re concerned that you’re being manipulated, examine the tactics the other person is using. If you find yourself caught up in a web of deception and unclear motives, it could be manipulation.

Some common tactics manipulators use include lying, withholding information, denying feelings, playing the victim, blaming the victim, minimizing others’ feelings, pretending to be confused or ignorant, guilt, shame, and pretending that his or her tactics are intended to serve a higher calling such as God or a political cause. Manipulators also frequently use gaslighting—the process of provoking someone into an extreme or angry reaction, then blaming the other person for his or her reaction.

While anyone can be manipulated, expert manipulators tend to target people with and take advantage of certain personality traits. These traits include:

• The desire to be liked or to please; these people are more likely to take extraordinary measures to gain favor
• Low self-esteem
• Dependency; people who tend to be dependent upon others will be more easily swayed by threats to withdraw love or support
• Naiveté or ignorance
• Loneliness
• Impulsivity, greed, and materialism
• Low assertiveness
• Fear of anger, sadness, and other negative emotions—either in oneself or from the manipulator

Why People Manipulate
For some people, manipulation may be an inadvertent strategy for dealing with a cutthroat world in which discussing feelings is often taboo. Manipulation is part of the normal range of behavioral tactics, and most people engage in manipulative strategies from time to time. People whose primary style of interaction is manipulation, however, tend to share some traits in common. These include:

• A need for control or power over others
• A need to raise their own self-esteem
• Fear of abandonment
• Feelings of worthlessness, helplessness, or hopelessness
• A willingness to prioritize their own feelings and desires over the needs and well-being of others

How to Handle a Manipulator
Many of us are highly aware when we’re being manipulated, but are still left unsure of what to do. Because manipulators often play the victim, some victims of manipulation might excuse their behavior or insist that the manipulator doesn’t really know what he or she is doing. Manipulators thrive on hiding their motives, so it can be challenging to get them to admit their true intentions, and many people will refuse to do so even under pressure. Instead, try the following tactics:

• Avoid allowing yourself to be shamed or guilted into doing something.
• When a manipulator makes a covert threat, ask him or her about the threat.
• Ask the manipulative person if he or she can tell you directly what he or she wants.
• Avoid sharing how the manipulation makes you feel, as these feelings can later be used as a tactic by the manipulator.
• Be direct, clear, and honest, and refuse to participate in the escalating game of manipulation.

References:

1. Psychological harassment and psychological manipulation. (n.d.). Psychological Harassment Information Association. Retrieved from http://www.psychologicalharassment.com/psychological_manipulation.htm
2. Simon, G. K. (n.d.). Dealing with manipulative people. RickRoss.com. Retrieved from http://www.rickross.com/reference/brainwashing/brainwashing11.html
3. Spotting emotional manipulation. (n.d.). Cassiopaea. Retrieved from http://www.cassiopaea.com/cassiopaea/emotional_manipulation.htm

Although jail time might seem like a distant possibility for most people, incarceration rates in the United States are steadily rising. One study published in the journal Pediatrics found that 41% of young adults have been arrested by the time they are 23. The U.S. Department of Justice (DOJ) reports that 6.6% of people serve time in prison at some point in their lives, and the statistic rises to a shocking 32% for African-American men. More than half of inmates are diagnosed with a mental health disorder.

As state mental hospitals continue to close and mental health services remain financially out of reach for many people, this number may rise. Moreover, prison itself can exacerbate preexisting mental health issues and create new mental health challenges among those who had never experienced them.

Mental Health Care Behind Bars

Jails and prisons are required to provide basic health care for inmates, but the quality of this care varies greatly. Often, prison-based mental health care focuses on stabilizing, rather than treating, inmates. A person experiencing hallucinations or psychosis might get medication to control the most severe symptoms, but people with anxiety issues, depression, posttraumatic stress, and other mental health conditions that don’t cause radical changes in behavior may go untreated. Prisoners rarely, if ever, get therapy or comprehensive treatment, so mental health issues that were previously controlled with medication and therapy may get much worse during incarceration.

Prison and Trauma

Even for the most hardened criminals, prison can be a scary place. The DOJ reports that 70,000 prisoners are sexually abused every year, and assaults, fights, and other acts of violence are common in a prison setting. But violence isn’t limited to inmates; prison guards work in a high-stress environment that can increase their likelihood of becoming violent. With little hope for reporting abuse by guards, some inmates may endure verbal abuse, threats of physical violence, and even severe attacks. Women inmates are at an increased risk of being sexually assaulted by jail and prison guards. This ongoing climate of trauma can create anxiety, depression, phobias, and PTSD in prisoners who previously had no serious mental health issues.

Lack of Support

Prisoners are, by definition, cut off from the rest of society, and their access to supportive friends and family may be limited. Many jails have instituted mail policies prohibiting letters and magazine subscriptions, and these policies can eliminate prisoners’ ability to communicate with and receive support from loved ones. Phone calls from jail can be costly, and prisoners from impoverished backgrounds may have families who can’t afford to cover the costs of collect calls, however infrequent. There’s little hope for getting any support in prison, as many prisoners are concerned more with gaining respect and avoiding fights in a relentless pursuit of safety. Support from loved ones can play a critical role in helping people overcome mental challenges, and isolation can increase a person’s risk of mental health issues such as depression and anxiety.

Getting Out

Most prisoners have ignored basic rules of society, so it can be difficult for prisoner rights issues to garner much public sympathy. But many prisoners are incarcerated for nonviolent drug crimes that are the result of substance addiction. And even inmates incarcerated for violent crimes do not typically serve life sentences. Most prisoners are ultimately released, and the mental health issues they develop in prison can increase their risk of reoffending and make it difficult to reenter society as a productive, nonthreatening citizen. Almost 70% of people who have been incarcerated are arrested again within three years, and the dire state of mental health care in prisons could play a significant role in this high rate of recidivism.

A mental health professional can help people who have come into contact with the prison system. A therapist can help prisoners reenter society or reestablish bonds with friends and family. Loved ones of incarcerated individuals can also get necessary emotional support in therapy. Therapy is a safe and confidential place for any and all people to get help.

References:

1. Chaddock, G. R. (2003, August 18). US notches world’s highest incarceration rate. The Christian Science Monitor. Retrieved from http://www.csmonitor.com/2003/0818/p02s01-usju.html
2. Gann, C. (2011, December 19). Study: Significant number of young Americans get arrested. ABC News. Retrieved from http://abcnews.go.com/Health/arrests-increasing-us-youth/story?id=15180222
3. James, D. J., & Glaze, L. E. (2006, December 14). Mental health problems of prison and jail inmates [PDF]. Washington, D.C.: U.S. Department of Justice Bureau of Justice Statistics.
4. Purdy, M. (1995, December 19). Brutality behind bars. The New York Times. Retrieved from http://www.nytimes.com/1995/12/19/nyregion/brutality-behind-bars-special-report-prison-s-violent-culture-enveloping-its.html?pagewanted=all
5. Recidivism. (n.d.). Bureau of Justice Statistics (BJS). Retrieved from http://bjs.ojp.usdoj.gov/index.cfm?ty=tp
6. Sakala, L. (2013, February 7). Return to sender: Postcard-only mail policies in jails. Prison Policy Initiative. Retrieved from http://www.prisonpolicy.org/postcards/report.html
7. U.S.: Federal justie statistics show widespread prison rape. (2007, December 16). Human Rights Watch. Retrieved from http://www.hrw.org/news/2007/12/15/us-federal-statistics-show-widespread-prison-rape
8. U.S.: Number of mentally ill in prisons quadrupled. (2006, September 6). Human Rights Watch. Retrieved from http://www.hrw.org/news/2006/09/05/us-number-mentally-ill-prisons-quadrupled

remain relatively rare in the United States, but are a common cultural practice in many countries. As many as 55% of all marriages globally are arranged, most of them in South Asia, Africa, the Middle East, and Southeast Asia. Immigrants and children thereof are sometimes involved in marriages arranged by third parties in the United States. Although the practice remains controversial due to concerns such as freedom of choice and the oppression of women, abuse is not the norm in arranged marriages.

Many people willingly enter into arranged marriages, believing that their parents are well equipped to choose a lifelong partner for them. People in arranged marriages face many of the same issues as people who marry for love—communication, infidelity, the death of romance, fights about money, and different parenting philosophies—and sometimes seek counseling to resolve these issues. Therapists counseling clients involved in arranged marriages must be sensitive to cultural practices, and may need to take a closer look at some common issues in arranged marriages.

Cultural Awareness and Ethnocentrism
In a culture that focuses on marrying for love, it’s easy to look down on arranged marriages and to view them as products of force. But many people enter into arranged marriages of their own accord, and the low divorce rate among arranged marriages globally—between 4% and 6%—clashes greatly with the high divorce rate in the United States (around 50%). Therapists counseling couples involved in arranged marriages should suspend judgments and display respect for cultural practices, even if they disagree with them.

Premarital Counseling
Some people believe arranged marriage involves a couple meeting for the first time at their wedding, but many couples in arranged marriages know their spouses for years before getting married. However, they don’t typically live together and may not spend much time together prior to marriage. Some couples are introduced to each other by third parties but left to make the ultimate decision as to whether to pursue marriage. Premarital counseling can greatly benefit couples involved in arranged marriages and help them prepare for the stress of adapting to a shared life.

Values Within Marriage
Married couples come from all walks of life, and every couple has its unique set of values. Some couples may relish religious-based counseling, while others may struggle with establishing equality within marriage. Couples involved in arranged marriages may have a wide variety of values, and therapists should investigate the core beliefs of their clients early in the process. For some couples in arranged marriages, divorce may not be an option due to family values, beliefs about marriage, or a simple commitment to see the marriage through. Therapists should not make assumptions about marital values; for example, some couples within arranged marriages may highly value gender equality, while others might see separate roles for men and women as a fair approach that promotes marital harmony.

Abuse and Coercion
There are many happy arranged marriages, but abuse of women and coercion into marriage remain a sad legacy of some arranged marriage practices. In cultures where women are not treated as equals, women may be hesitant to report abuse, and may not even recognize abuse as a problem. Therapists should be prepared to intervene if they see signs of abuse and to educate both partners about steps they can take to end abusive behavior. Some abused partners may benefit from meeting with the therapist individually, as they may be hesitant to report abuse or other marital issues in the presence of a spouse. Consequently, therapists should consider meeting with each spouse individually from time to time.

Family Issues
In cultures that practice arranged marriages, families often play a central role in the relationship. Spouses may have conflicts with their in-laws or struggle to establish proper boundaries. Therapists should determine each spouse’s comfort level with family involvement before making recommendations. Some couples, for example, may welcome the input of parents or in-laws but need help determining how much input to accept or whether living with parents is an appropriate strategy. Others, however, may want to establish completely separate lives from their families and may need advice about how to establish boundaries and navigate conflicts.

References:

1. Delp, V. (2006, November 20). Lessons from an arranged marriage. Families.com. Retrieved from http://www.families.com/blog/lessons-from-an-arranged-marriage
2. Lee, J. H. (2013, January 20). Modern lessons from arranged marriages. The New York Times. Retrieved from http://www.nytimes.com/2013/01/20/fashion/weddings/parental-involvement-can-help-in-choosing-marriage-partners-experts-say.html?pagewanted=all
3. Pre-marital counseling. (n.d.). Between Us Relationship Helpline RSS. Retrieved from http://betweenus.bharatmatrimony.com/?p=263