The month of May. Tulips and daffodils remind us that spring is a time for growth and change. May is not only Mental Health Awareness Month, it is also the month in which many celebrate Mother’s Day.

For me, this year has a particularly poignant meaning. My mom died four years ago to the day on May 13, which this year happens to be Mother’s Day. I am also a mother myself, walking the various tightropes of work-life balance, kid-marriage balance, self-care, and care for others. The day has even more meaning to me as I am adopted, yet I have a birth mother who I celebrate as the person who gave birth to me; she also plays a significant role as grandmother for my two boys after our reunion almost 20 years ago.

I share this with you because the more I speak with friends, family, and people in therapy, the more I realize how complicated Mother’s Day is for many of us. This day can bring a mixed bag of celebration, pride, and gratitude, but also shame, grief, and doubt.

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My overarching message this month is that there is room for all of it. Step back. Breathe. Perhaps there are opportunities for growth, new understanding, and more empathy as we ponder the meaning of Mother’s Day and what it might mean for our own mental health.

Mother’s Day can, for some, be a simple observance with brunch and flowers for the woman who gave birth to and raised us, but as we pan out, there may be many people (not just women) who played the role of “mother” for us. I am aware, for example, that my sons’ teachers step into the role of nurturing figures for them. Many of them are mothers themselves, often missing their own children’s field trips and events because of their obligations to the school. There are also many children raised by aunts, caregivers, foster families, or grandparents. They are certainly playing the role of mother and deserve recognition, celebration, and gratitude.

For many people close to me and for many of my clients, Mother’s Day brings up complicated feelings. For those of us whose moms have died, it may be a day of remembrance and grief. Many people have struggled with mothers who were abusive or mentally and/or physically ill. Some of their mothers struggle(d) with addiction and/or unresolved traumas and were not able to give them care, support, and guidance.

Despite having difficult and complex relationships, many keep in touch with their moms, but some have expressed angst about whether and how to celebrate Mother’s Day. The traditional Hallmark sections often don’t have cards that capture these complicated relationships. “I know you have your own unresolved stuff, Mom, and probably did the best you could; thanks for keeping me alive” doesn’t have the best ring to it.

Whatever Mother’s Day may bring up for you, I invite you to greet it with space, curiosity, and compassion. If it represents beauty, gratitude, and unconditional love, celebrate that! If it brings up feelings of doubt, guilt, or shame, let that have your gentle awareness and know you’re not alone.

On the other side of that, in my role as a mom, this day makes me reflect on the pressure I put on myself in being both a therapist and a mother. Despite knowing I am just another human doing the best I can, I often have an inner critic that says something along the lines of, “You’re a therapist, for crying out loud, you should know all the answers!”

Well, here’s a confession from a therapist mom: I don’t.

Despite my having read probably 20 parenting books, I still do things wrong and feel shame like most mamas out there. Perhaps we look at the Hallmark section ourselves and wonder, “Geez, will my kids feel this magical way about me?” Perhaps you are a mom who struggles with depression or other mental health issues. We get so many messages, usually rooted in shame, that amplify our feelings of not being good enough. We of course want to hold ourselves accountable for our actions, but often, we are so paralyzed by our sense of shame and isolation that we think we are the only ones struggling. (And, of course, you do not even have to be a mom to get shame messages about motherhood: “What do you mean you don’t want to have children?”)

Whatever Mother’s Day may bring up for you, I invite you to greet it with space, curiosity, and compassion. If it represents beauty, gratitude, and unconditional love, celebrate that! If it brings up feelings of doubt, guilt, or shame, let that have your gentle awareness and know you’re not alone. Perhaps it brings up grief of a mother lost or a mother you never had. Perhaps it is “just another day invented by card and flower companies.” This stance might also have a deeper meaning. Just be curious. A therapist can help with this.

There is room for all of it. Be gentle with yourself and the people who bring a nurturing presence in your life. Happy Mother’s Day.

Mother’s Day is observed on the second Sunday in May. Greeting card stores and flower shops go to great lengths to remind customers that many people have, or have had, mothers to celebrate. This is a time to send tokens of gratitude to self-sacrificing moms or to honor those who have passed. It’s the one day a year set aside specifically to cherish the mothers who nurtured us, provided for us, taught us, and played with us.

But what about the mothers who don’t have, or never had, much to give?

Children (including adult children) who were raised or abandoned by mothers with mental health issues may have mixed or negative sentiments. They may remember being embarrassed by their mother’s inappropriate behavior in public or around friends. They may wince at painful memories of their mom self-medicating her psychiatric symptoms with drugs or alcohol. They may have tried to forget Mommy Dearest hiding her bizarre thoughts or behaviors behind a cult affiliation or an extreme religious organization. Their mother may have ended up on the streets or spent time in a correctional facility. No matter how the mental health issues played out, her children paid a price.

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As a therapist, I hear many stories from people who survived difficult childhoods. Many had the misfortune of being born to mothers with chronic depression, personality disorders, or unrelenting anxiety. Children whose mothers had schizophrenia, bipolar, schizoaffective disorder, or other diagnoses may remember caring for their mothers rather than the other way around. Adult children who experienced the chaos of an emotionally imbalanced mother often fear they will inherit the condition or act in harmful ways with their own children. Being afraid of becoming one’s mother is the antithesis of what many people celebrate in May.

If you spent part or all of your childhood with a mother who struggled with psychological issues, you’re not alone. Be compassionate toward yourself.

The wounds left by a mother with a personality condition such as narcissism or borderline personality may heal slowly. Even after adults have worked hard to individuate from a toxic mother, they may encounter triggers that bring back difficult emotions.

Sadness

Adult children whose mother had a psychiatric issue often feel sad and may grieve the loss of a nurturing, emotionally safe childhood.

Adult children who experienced the chaos of an emotionally imbalanced mother often fear they will inherit the condition or act in harmful ways with their own children. Being afraid of becoming one’s mother is the antithesis of what many people celebrate in May.

Anger

When someone has been deprived of a caring, attentive mother and they see other families where the mom is connected and engaged with her children, anger can surface.

Fear

Parents who survived a poor relationship with their mother may fear they will not find positive ways to express love to their own kids.

Judgment

When a child has been repeatedly hurt by a mother who was preoccupied with her own mental state, they may carry grudges and resentments for years.

Longing

All humans are born with the need to be loved, nurtured, and protected. If a child’s needs went unmet, they may carry a deep longing to be unconditionally loved and cared for.

Protection

Children who repeatedly experience the fallout of a mother’s breakdown (she went off her medication, self-medicated with drugs, attempted suicide, disappeared for days or weeks, didn’t get out of bed, was physically abusive, was hospitalized, etc.) develop ways to protect themselves. In adulthood, these emotional protections are often interpreted by partners as isolating or distancing.

What to Do If Mother’s Day Is Difficult

If you’re struggling with how to celebrate a less-than-perfect mom this Mother’s Day, here are some tips:

1. Remember you did the best you could in an exceptionally difficult environment (and believe it or not, so did your mother).
2. Celebrate the courage and self-esteem you managed to develop even though your mother was unreliable in her nurturance and maternal affection.
3. Applaud the caring “mom” you have developed within you. Treat yourself like a loving parent would, with praise, loving guidance, and a lot of humor. Your inner child will thank you.
4. Give a gift of gratitude to someone else who provided loving acceptance and guidance to you as a child or teen.
5. If you decide to contact your mother, do, say, or write only what is comfortable for you, and only what you can do without feeling resentment.
6. Forgive yourself for anything you may be holding over yourself. Drop any “shoulds,” “ought-tos,” or “could-haves”—they won’t help anything. Remember you’re doing the best you know how to do. Every day is a chance to learn.
7. Look into meeting with a therapist who can help you work through difficult memories and experiences.

If you had a childhood that was devoid of a stable, caring mother, celebrate your strength and commitment to your own serenity and well-being. No one can take away your self-acceptance. No one knows you better than you. No one can compliment you better than the positive things you say to yourself. If no one else, celebrate you!