What a complicated, challenging situation you find yourself in! There is no one way you are supposed to feel. I’d expect you to be more than a bit confused. It sounds as if you and your wife have been able to be open with each other, work things out, and repair your relationship. I definitely recommend calling on the same skills and strategies that have worked for you in the past.

A key question for you to consider: If this child is not biologically yours, will you be able to parent him or her with the unconditional love he or she deserves? I strongly recommend that you dig deep and think about your honest answer to this. It’s tempting to want to be a “good” guy and say sure—but if you don’t think you can do it, you will suffer, your wife will suffer, your relationship will suffer, and this child will suffer.

Regardless of biology, you will be the only father he or she will know. If you are not able to love him or her, if you tolerate this child for the sake of your marriage, it will show in many small ways. Resentments will build, and you may end up losing your relationship down the line. Your wife has been clear that she is having this child. You have to ask yourself if you can get on board or not. This is not an easy question to answer, and I suggest you find someone to talk with to sort through the complicated feelings that come with your situation.

Becoming a parent, even under the best of circumstances, is challenging, and it is a lifetime commitment. It’s not for the faint of heart. It puts stress on relationships. Things will not be the same, ever. It’s incredibly hard. It’s also tremendously rewarding, powerful, and incredibly meaningful. There are many people who choose to parent children who are not biologically theirs, who love them fiercely and devotedly. This is something nobody can decide for you. If you open yourself up to loving this child and commit to being a true father (no matter what the tests say), it will be hard, but it can be amazing. If you don’t think you can do it, you owe it to yourself, to your wife, and to this child to talk about it honestly now.

Best of luck,
Erika

The thinking/feeling dichotomy was first connected to individual differences in psychological types (personalities) by Carl Jung. It is used in the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator’s personality typology and addresses natural differences in how individuals make decisions and experience emotions.

It is also the cause of a great deal of tension and conflict for couples that naturally differ on this dichotomy.

The terms used for descriptive purposes here can be misleading. For instance, someone with a feeling response orientation is not inherently more able to feel or less able to think than someone with a thinking response orientation; and someone with a thinking orientation is not inherently more able to think or less able to feel than someone with a feeling orientation (Reinhold, 2007).

These terms are used to address fundamental differences in the perceptual and experiential processes automatically triggered when thinking- and feeling-response-oriented individuals are sorting out and expressing what they are thinking and feeling. (Please note that this interpretation differs significantly from those of Carl Jung and the authors of the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator.)

Although human beings are aware that people differ in how they come to conclusions and experience and express emotions, few understand that these differences in self-expression are driven by innately different perceptual and experiential frames of reference. Of particular note is a fundamental difference in the experience of emotions when conflicts arise—a difference of such magnitude that role-reversal comprehension is not possible. These differences are a constant in interactions between thinking and feeling individuals, easily confirmed by observation of one’s personal and professional relationships.[fat_widget_right]

Those with thinking response orientation:

• Process thoughts and experience emotions with an objective, fact-based frame of reference.
• Base decisions on objective criteria of cause and effect.
• Automatically seek a logical explanation for what is happening when conflicts arise.
• Have a self-grounded sense of logical consistency in thought, action, and emotion.
• Interpret anything expressed or done that does not make logical sense as automatically invalid.

Those with feeling response orientation:

• Are wired to facilitate harmony in human relationships.
• Have a natural sensitivity to issues of fairness and inclusion.
• Are tuned in to the tone of communication. If it is not said nicely, it is not nice.
• Are susceptible to feeling guilty or bad out of proportion to objective reality when conflicts arise.
• Have a susceptibility to feeling hurt and rejected when responded to in an emotionally neutral or blunt manner.

Thinking/Feeling Couples

The usual cause of difficulty for couples that differ on this dichotomy comes from a fundamental difference in how they experience and express emotions. The moment harmony is disrupted, most feeling-response-oriented individuals feel bad, as if they have done something wrong. Knowing they have not, in fact, done something wrong does not usually help. They feel bad anyway.

When these feelings are triggered, they may immediately apologize, hoping to restore harmony and neutralize the guilt they are experiencing, or they may get upset with their partner for doing something that caused them to feel that way. Neither of these responses makes much sense to a thinking-response-oriented individual.

Why would a person feel guilty and bad simply because someone disagreed with them; much less suggest that the other is at fault for causing them to feel that way? From the thinking-oriented perspective these responses do not make logical sense and are therefore invalid.

Choice is not an option here. Very much like the degree to which someone is left-handed, right-handed, or ambidextrous, the manner in which feeling- and thinking-oriented individuals experience and express thoughts and feelings is natural and normal—just different.

The Challenge in Communication

In essence, two naturally disparate perceptual frames of reference for making sense out of the same reality have been activated. The feeling partner seeks validation for how they are feeling about the situation, while the thinking partner seeks validation for why they think their partner’s feelings do not make logical sense. Neither can provide a response that meets the other’s criterion for being heard.

Without intention or awareness, the explanations that each provide for justifying their own natural and normal responses de facto invalidate the natural and normal responses of their partner. Issues of little import can trigger emotionally charged exchanges that leave both parties psychologically battered, blaming each other for the damage done, while the issues themselves remain unresolved. The conflict resolution challenge is significantly magnified when the couple also differs on the extroversion-introversion dichotomy.

Conflict Resolution Approach

I have been using a natural differences questionnaire based on the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator with all couples and families since 2000. Information on natural differences has proven to be consistently accurate.

In fact, the accuracy of the information above is such that most thinking-response-oriented partners have been able to accept its validity. Feeling-response-oriented partners have usually been more ambivalent. Although the information provides concrete validation regarding their emotional sensitivity and reactivity, it does not provide them with much relief from the feelings that get triggered when conflicts arise.

If they accept the premise that natural and normal differences in response orientations are at play, they have to acknowledge that their partner

1. cannot experientially relate to how they are feeling when conflicts arise and, therefore,
2. is not at fault for the feelings their comments can trigger.

The inequity inherent to this difference in experiencing emotion is such that some feeling-response-oriented partners have great difficulty accepting it. Fortunately, once most thinking-oriented partners have a logical explanation for their partner’s feel-based responses, they have been able to soften their responses in general and become more considerate and accommodating when conflicts arise. This change has helped many feeling partners contain the resentment they automatically experience during conflict.

The intensity of the explosive exchanges that some thinking/feeling couples are dealing with is such that adherence to a timeout rule is an absolute necessity if they hope to replace their destructive conflict resolution process with a healthier one. It is understandable why some feeling-response-oriented partners have a hard time adhering to this time out rule. After all, extroverted/feeling-oriented individuals have a particularly difficult time letting go before their partner has acknowledged the validity of how they are feeling.

The fact remains that once an issue has become emotionally charged and abusive, the possibility of a meaningful resolution no longer exists. Partners with strong extroversion, intuition, and feeling-response orientations may have a particularly difficult time accommodating this timeout rule.

The level of psychic distress (disruption of self) that some experience is so extreme that efforts by their partner to withdraw may trigger desperate, even violent behaviors to prevent their partner’s exit before a resettling response has been provided. However, a way must be found to contain these emotions if they hope to replace their destructive process with a healthier one.

Consequently, depending on the perceived volatility of the conflicted exchange, the person calling for a timeout may:

1. Agree to a future time to reconvene and try again, before their next counseling appointment.
2. Wait until their next counseling session to address the issue.
3. Contact the counselor to see if an earlier date can be scheduled to meet.

The timeout is almost always called for by the thinking partner and resented by the feeling partner.

Tip for thinkers: Seek to understand and accommodate your partner’s areas of sensitivity rather than attempt to help them understand why they should not feel that way.

Tip for feelers: Use logic-based constructs when explaining why they are upset. Example: “Even though you do not understand why I get upset when you say that, the fact remains that every time you say that I get upset. Given the predictability of my response, why do you keep saying that?”

Once most couples realize that natural differences are at play, and that neither is intentionally responding the way they do in order to get his or her own way, they are able to accommodate and compromise in areas that had not been possible before.

Reference:
Reinhold, Ross. (21 March, 2007). E-mail correspondence.

When something traumatic happens, the result can be the development of a variety of symptoms that impair a person’s ability to function. These symptoms reverberate beyond the person who was traumatized. They can easily impact close friends and partners, as well. According to Cook et al. (2004), trauma survivors often report a decrease in relationship satisfaction, along with impaired expression of emotion, sexual activity, intimacy, communication, and adjustment. Cook et al. also state that “those with PTSD have higher separation and divorce rates than their non-PTSD counterparts” (2004).

Trauma can impact intimate relationships in a number of ways. Some of the most common I have observed in my own practice include (but are not limited to) the following:

• Avoidance of and decrease in emotional and physical intimacy
• Isolation
• Feelings of helplessness and hopelessness (in both partners)
• Feelings of frustration, anger, confusion, and sadness
• Increase in anxiety
• More frequent arguments and difficulty finding resolution to problems

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These problems can cause a relationship to end if left unaddressed. I have often had partners of people with trauma in my office. They feel completely frustrated and alone, not knowing how to make their partner feel better or what to do to save the relationship. People in therapy are also affected by the above issues, which can further aggravate their trauma symptoms by adding stress. The result is two people in a relationship who both want the same things: to heal and make the relationship healthy. But they have no idea how to accomplish either.

Below are some of the behaviors and practices I suggest to people in therapy and their partners as they work through trauma.

For Partners

Don’t try to fix or heal the trauma and the accompanying symptoms your partner is experiencing. Sometimes well-meaning partners will try to “make it all better” by doing things they think will help the person heal. The fact is healing from trauma takes time. The brain needs time to process traumatic information. The best thing a partner can do is be available to listen when the person who is experiencing the trauma symptoms needs to talk. Be supportive emotionally by offering statements such as, “That sounds like it is really difficult to deal with,” and, “I hear you saying this is really hard for you right now.” The power of just being present for another person is often underestimated.

Don’t take it personally. Your partner is working through something very difficult. Sometimes people who have been traumatized feel more distant emotionally. Sometimes they also don’t want to be close physically. This is not necessarily reflective of how the traumatized person feels about the relationship or about you. This is a common occurrence and part of the process.

Don’t make assumptions. Sometimes well-meaning partners assume a person who has recently been through something traumatic will not want to connect physically. There is often a fear that connecting physically will make the traumatic symptoms worse. In some cases this may be true, as sometimes trauma is sexual in nature, which means some healing will have to take place before physical intimacy can resume. However, it is important to communicate with your partner about what they want and how they would like to connect with you. This subject can feel like the “elephant in the room,” but it is so very important that it is acknowledged. If either partner feels rejected, damage to the relationship can occur. By discussing where each of you are and what your desires are, even if physical intimacy cannot occur, the damage to the relationship has been controlled, as each partner knows where the other stands so those assumptions can be tossed out with the trash.

Consider getting your own counseling. I wrote an article on secondary trauma that discusses the difficulties loved ones often experience after someone they love has been traumatized. Vicarious traumatization is very real and possible. You are offering support to someone working through trauma, so it is vital that your self-care is excellent and that you are getting the emotional support and guidance you will need through this challenging time. You will be much more effective at helping your loved one if you are in good mental shape.

Mills and Turnbull (2004) give good advice for partners of people who have experienced trauma. They use the acronym LOVER to make some important behaviors easier to remember. They suggest partners Listen, Observe, Verify, Empathize, Reassure, and offer practical help. Practical help might include helping to rebuild, fight back, console, prevent, or repair.

For the Traumatized Individual

Involve your partner and communicate regularly. I have found many traumatized people are hesitant to share what they are going through with their loved ones for fear of becoming a burden. The fact is, when you don’t communicate with your partner, they may feel confused and left out. Your partner may tend to become anxious and can sometimes do things to try to make you feel better. But these things may just end up distancing the two of you further. Let your partner know what you are going through. You don’t have to give gory details,. Just let them know, as much as possible, how you are feeling right now and communicate how they can help. If you need someone to just listen, tell them so. If you need guidance and support, your partner needs to know.

Attend your counseling sessions and communicate with your therapist about stressors such as relationship strain. It is important for your therapist to know all your stressors so they can provide the best, most comprehensive care. Additional stressors can stunt healing and lengthen the longevity of symptoms.

For Partners and Survivors

Remember there is hope! People initially get into a relationship because there are things that draw them to one another. When you are having relationship difficulty related to trauma, the problems that arise can sometimes distract you from what you love about your partner and why you want to work in the relationship. A relationship can survive trauma if both people are willing to put in the effort it takes to heal.

References:

1. Cook, J. M., Riggs, D. S., Thompson, R., Coyne, J. C., and Sheikh, J. I. (2004). Posttraumatic stress disorder and current relationship functioning among World War II ex-prisoners of war. Journal of Family Psychology, 18(1), pp. 36-45. Retrieved from http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/14992608
2. Mills, B., and Turnbull, G. (2004). Broken hearts and mending bodies: The impact of trauma on intimacy. Sexual and Relationship Therapy, 19(3), pp. 265-289. Retrieved from http://www.recoveryonpurpose.com/upload/Broken%20Hearts%20and%20Mending%20Bodies%20The%20Impact%20of%20Trauma%20on%20Intimacy.pdf

is an important aspect of relationships, which can be incredibly complicated. Being in love doesn’t automatically lead to understanding or responding ideally to another person’s needs. Individuals with anxiety often feel misunderstood or unable to communicate effectively, and they may even avoid situations that require talking about certain topics.

When worry finds its way into your relationship, it can make it difficult to develop or maintain a strong bond with your partner. When you are experiencing fear or anxiety, your tendency may be to push others away, shut down, put up emotional walls, or isolate yourself. It can be a challenge to develop ways to turn to your partner. This can lead to questions, repeated attempts to “understand” what is going on, and this questioning can create feelings of uneasiness or being mistrusted in the anxious person’s partner. Such conflict can leave both partners feeling frustrated or angry.

People with anxiety typically report that their relationships improve once they are able to explain their condition and how it affects them to the important people in their lives.

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Effective reduction strategies can help control anxiety and allow you to challenge your fears more readily. Here are seven basic ones that can help you begin to heal your relationship:

1. Be honest. Talk about how your partner can support you when you are experiencing anxiety. Discuss how your anxiety creates tension.
2. Don’t shut down. If you have a tendency to distance yourself from others when you’re anxious, make sure they know that the distancing is due to the anxiety and not them. Let them know it is simply a coping strategy.
3. Explain what anxiety is and how it impacts you. Describe how it affects your thinking (intrusive and recurring thoughts, effects on decision making) as well as how anxiety manifests in your body (increased blood pressure, muscle tension, sweating). The more specific you can be, the more likely you and your partner will be to develop a plan to address these effects.
4. Incorporate more movement into your day. Many studies show the physical and emotional benefits of exercise. Some show that regular exercise can be as effective as (or more so than) medication.
5. Challenge your fears. Identify when you are having fear responses and pinpoint possible triggers. Dissecting your fears can make them seem less formidable.
6. Listen and reflect. With anxiety, distortions occur. When you are anxious, you may hear only a small portion of what is being said to you before your mind begins to fill in the blanks and get reactive or defensive. By practicing listening skills in nonanxious moments, you can develop skills to use when you become anxious. If you repeat or restate what you heard your partner say, you may listen differently. This can give your partner an opportunity to clarify if your reflection doesn’t match his or her intent.
7. Increase physical touch: Try to be more physically affectionate (holding hands, kissing, being close). Physical touch has been hardwired into all of us; each of us needs some level of connection. Discussing your touch needs can inspire dialogue that begins to repair any disconnect.

Each time we find the courage to challenge our fears, new opportunities can arise. What are you willing to challenge yourself to do in order to make your relationships better?

I remember deciding to leave my marriage. After months and months of trying to make it work, I got to a point where I couldn’t stay any longer. It wasn’t my choice to end the marriage, but my partner made it impossible for me to stay. The decision to walk away from something I had been so committed to was torturous because there was a part of me that would not let go of the idea that it could be saved.

I knew the ship was sinking fast, and I tried really hard to scoop out the water, but ultimately I got to a point where I had to jump. With no life raft waiting for me, I chose to plunge into the deep, murky waters of a new life that would be completely different than what I had planned.

People in therapy often ask me how they can know when it’s time to stop trying and give up on saving a marriage. My answer is always the same: There may come a time when you know you can’t stand it any longer. It may coincide with a loss of integrity and a fear of losing yourself in something you intuitively know is not healthy for you. There is no set time frame; it’s different for every person and every unique situation.

It takes a great amount of courage to walk away from a marriage even if you have exhausted all avenues to try and salvage what’s broken. Even when one partner refuses to work on things, the idea of leaving a marriage dead in the water is beyond painful and hard to overcome.

It’s almost always fear and hope that keep people in a terminal marriage for a little too long—the fear of walking away from something too soon, and the hope that it can be resurrected.

The limbo of whether to work on something or walk away can last for weeks, months, or even years. It’s a personal choice that can come only from a place of deep certainty and a readiness to relinquish the fantasy of what could have been.

I have seen many people who don’t technically “leave the marriage” until well after they are divorced. A signature on a page doesn’t define an ending in the same way a marital commitment is much more than a piece of paper.

No one can ever tell you how or when to be done with your marriage, but here are a few indicators that you might be staying in a marriage beyond its expiration date.

1. Your partner blatantly does and says things that hurt you.
2. He or she disappears for long periods of time without being “reachable.”
3. Your partner refuses to end the relationship he or she has been having outside the marriage.
4. Your partner no longer includes you in his or her daily life.
5. He or she has moved out of the house into his or her own place.
6. You constantly find yourself wondering where the person you married has gone.
7. You rationalize his or her behavior as a “midlife crisis.”
8. You witness big discrepancies between what your partner says and does.
9. He or she refuses to go to couples counseling.
10. Your partner tells you he or she doesn’t love you anymore.

Some of these indicators may be hard to swallow or accept, but if they raise your awareness or give you a bar by which to measure the health of your relationship, perhaps it will be easier to put your marriage to rest.

“In love we face challenges and in embracing these challenges, conflicts, and dark places, there is immense potential for transformation.” – J. Welwood

When conflict happens in your relationship, how do you react? Do you fly under the radar hoping to avoid detection, or come out fighting and go on the defensive?

Relationships can be wonderful, uplifting, and joyful, as well as challenging, painful, and destructive. When things are great and we’re getting along there is a feeling of deep connection and safety. But when there’s a sign of pain, misunderstanding, or disconnection, defenses are triggered and vulnerability goes into hiding. When conflict is viewed as a threat and met with defensiveness we get stuck in a power struggle that takes our relationship on an emotional rollercoaster ride.

Conflict isn’t a threat to your relationship. Sometimes we view conflict as a threat and respond to it as if it’s a sign that our relationship is in need of fixing or that one of us is at fault. In reality, conflict isn’t the problem—it’s how we meet conflict that becomes the problem.

Why We Don’t See Eye to Eye

When two people who grew up in two different homes decide to make a life together, conflict is going to happen. Each of us comes into relationship with different ways of seeing the world and when these perspectives clash, we encounter conflict. It isn’t about right or wrong; it’s about perception and how we see the world.

For example, if you grew up with a parent or sibling(s) who yelled and criticized you when they were angry, and this scared or frustrated you as a child, you might have learned to avoid angry confrontations at all costs. Now, in your present day relationship, if your partner gets angry your defensive reaction might be to ignore, shut down, or try to get your partner to calm down.

While your partner might benefit from learning how to tone down his/her anger, it’s also possible that your reaction to anger needs to change. The same goes for the partner who is angry—they may have grown up in a family where their needs weren’t being met so they learned that in order to be heard they had to yell, sulk, or complain.

If you both continue to meet this situation with defensiveness, then you’ll be mired in a power struggle that fills your relationship with negativity and resentment. If, on the other hand, you meet conflict with a willingness to listen and an intention to understand, and have empathy for each other, then there’s a potential for healing and growth to happen.

Shift from Conflict to Connection

Learning to become a healing partner takes patience, time, and commitment. Dr. Harville Hendrix, the founder of Imago Relationship Therapy, states that couples have the potential to become healing partners. He says, “It’s in relationship we are wounded so it’s in relationship we can heal.”

Learning to become a healing partner is what helps us develop a safe, intimate, and loving relationship. To get there it takes practice, patience, and a willingness to be vulnerable.

It’s when we learn to soften our defenses and become vulnerable and open that we begin to connect in a way that creates a feeling of safety, love, and connection. It only takes one partner to shift out of the power struggle and into connection. Below are some steps you can take toward helping yourself, your partner, and the relationship.

Steps to help soothe reactivity and calm difficult emotions:

• Develop awareness of your triggers. Notice when your body goes into flight, fight, flee mode. (I.e. rapid heartbeat, shallow breathing, muscles tensing, etc.)
• Take time out to soothe reactive emotions.
• During the time out, don’t dwell or analyze what happened. Let go of thoughts and stories and take care of yourself.
• Connect with your breathing. Breathe in and out slowly, and attune to the sensation of the breath flowing in and out of your body.
• As you breathe, scan through your body and soften the places that are tense.
• Feel a sense of self-compassion as you acknowledge feelings of hurt.
• Engage in activities that help alleviate stress, such as exercising, walking, meditating, or doing yoga.
• Once you are less reactive, see if you can connect with the need or hurt that’s beneath the trigger. Notice if you’re hooked into a story about what your partner’s intention was when you got triggered. Use the line, “What I told myself was_____. For example: “What I told myself when you were late to pick me up was that I’m not important to you.”
• Share what was going on for you (your feelings and needs) without blaming, criticizing, or attacking your partner. Use “I” statements and take responsibility for your reactivity. For example, “I feel hurt when we make plans and aren’t able to follow through.”
• Learn how to use intentional dialogue as a healing way to connect and learn about each other’s triggers, needs, and hurts. During this exercise, one person speaks as the other person listens with the intention of understanding, validating, and empathizing with the other, then switch.
• Feel compassion toward yourself and your partner when conflict happens.
• Be patient as you learn how to shift from a reactive response to one that heals and connects.

Meet Conflict with Acceptance, Understanding, and Empathy

Conflict in relationships is a catalyst for healing and growth. Learning to approach it in a healing way is challenging. It takes time, patience, and practice. In the end, if you want to develop an intimate, safe, and loving relationship, then it’s essential that you learn to approach it as an opportunity for healing and growth.

Remember, we come into relationship with past hurts, unmet needs, defenses, and parts of us that are in need of growth. When we let go of defenses and open our hearts to each other in a relationship, we create an opportunity for both of us to heal and grow—as individuals and as a couple—as we journey together through life.

May you have love, joy, and peace in your life.

You’re deeply in love. You’ve found your life mate and are confident that your future will be wonderful. It’s time to buy the rings. Marriage hovers at your horizon, like a gorgeous sunset.

But there is one teeny problem—really teeny and really giant at the same time. Teeny because it’s about a baby. Giant because this disagreement could mean curtains for your relationship. One of you wants a baby, the other doesn’t.

“No problem,” you might say. “I just know he’ll change his mind. He’s great with his nieces and nephews. Because he loves me and knows how much I want this, he’ll say yes when the time is right.”

“Not to worry,” you might say. “She says she wants a child, but the craving will pass when her newborn niece gets older. She’s always said she didn’t think she could handle children. She works long hours and then heads for the gym. Because she loves me and gets it that don’t I want a family, she’ll change her mind.”

(Please excuse the stereotypes. Many men want children, many women don’t. This example is typical, not universal.)

Often when a couple disagrees, a compromise can solve the problem. But you can’t have half a baby or be parents in odd-numbered years and childless/childfree in even-numbered years. How can you solve the problem?

The good news is that it’s not unusual for someone to change his or her mind.

Partners who have never spent time around young children may fall in love with a friend’s child and imagine themselves as a parent for the first time. A partner who would prefer to have a child but whose work, health, or extended family demands make parenthood less attractive may agree to remain child-free.

These changes can happen , but you can’t count on them. Any possible scenarios, depending on personal histories and experiences, could emerge, and suddenly having children will simply not be an option.

The husband with teenagers from another relationship, who said he couldn’t imagine starting over with a second family, not only didn’t change his mind, but also has a chronic illness or college tuition, or a troublesome relationship with a young adult to reckon with. Not only is the answer still “No,” but now it’s in flashing neon. A baby would be even more stressful on the marriage.

The wife who raised five younger siblings because of her parents’ addiction, who had therapy that was supposed to prepare her for a family, concludes with her husband and her therapist, that her breakthroughs, though wonderful, are too fragile for the stresses of motherhood.

Or the wife who loved her husband so much that she told him, “You’ll always be enough for me,” but after her mother’s death and niece’s birth, dreams of babies every night.

Given how much you are in love, that you don’t have a crystal ball, that you don’t want your partner to be miserable, should you marry anyway?

Take with a grain of salt anyone who offers easy answers.

Some people will tell you, “It’s obvious. Don’t get married. Find a partner who feels the way you do.” But maybe this person is your best possible life partner, and giving him or her up might turn out to be an even greater loss than not getting your way on the baby question.

Others will say, “It’s obvious. The other person will come around. Everybody should want children and those who don’t are being immature. Go ahead and marry.” But many responsible people don’t have children, and there has been research that says childfree couples have some of the happiest marriages.

Still others will say, “Love conquers all. You’ll find a solution that works for both of you.” Your family and friends mean well, as do therapists. But only you can decide what’s best for the two of you. If you are ambivalent about parenthood and can imagine a happy life accepting your partner’s choice, then your marriage has a reasonable chance of working out.

Ask yourselves four questions:

1. Are we exaggerating the likelihood that we might accept the other’s choice, because we can’t stand the idea of breaking up? Is at least one of us relatively confident that he or she can say, “Yes,” to the other’s choice?
2. If my partner never changes her or his mind, and I wind up childless/ raising a child I would have preferred not to have, could I adapt to my partner’s choice?
3. Is marrying my beloved more important to me than whether or not we have a child? How might I/we make life enjoyable if I have to make the best of my partner’s choice?
4. Which would be more painful—realizing that this issue is a dealbreaker and breaking up to search for a partner who shares your parenting goals, or granting your partner’s wish?

What if you decide to go ahead and marry, without any reassuring answers to the questions above, hoping that love will find a way? Choose a specific time to check in with each other in the future about where you stand.

If you’re in your 20s, you can plan to re-evaluate in a few years, after you’re further into your relationship. If you still disagree then, see a therapist who specializes in short-term, goal-oriented treatment of fertility issues.

However, if you are in your 30s or 40s, you will need to be more proactive. See a fertility therapist before your wedding date. You may want to do some noninvasive fertility testing to find out if your fertility is waning. Try not to delay your decision for so long that if you decide to have a child, this may no longer be biologically possible.

Ways that therapy could help:

• Give you a chance to fully listen to each other, and to understand that something you especially love about your partner may actually be a reason for the other’s choice. For instance, you may love that your partner provides care to severely ill children, and realize that parenthood would mean no night or weekend respite.
• If you seem to be totally opposed, and neither of you can imagine changing your mind, your therapist can give you homework assignments to learn more about parenting or the childfree lifestyle and how your partner could make the choice more palatable to you. If one of you is going to give up your preferred choice for the sake of the relationship, it will be important to know that your spouse made every effort to accept your choice. Read books on the topic, attend workshops, and consider interviewing friends on what they like or don’t like about parenting or being childfree.
• Help you sort out whether you are totally opposed to your partner’s wish or whether changing your mind might be possible.

Other Tips for Resolving the Conflict with Your Partner

Use therapy strategically. Make sure your therapist respects the childfree choice as well as parenting. Don’t be afraid to ask about this before making an appointment. You also want someone who is skilled in short-term, goal-directed couples work, has experience with fertility decisions, and can give you food for thought and homework assignments.

With this skill set, your therapist can offer you the best use of your time and money. It may make sense, after a few weekly visits to get some momentum, to spread out your visits so you have time for reflection and homework.

Speak up if you think the therapist is getting sidetracked by your past. While it may be relevant to discuss your family history, you need therapy that focuses on the tasks at hand: couples communication and decision-making. If you, your partner, or your therapist thinks you are too overcome with emotion related to your childhood or a condition such as depression, get a referral to a different therapist and work with that person individually.

Commit to working together, especially if you decide to get married anyway before finding resolution. Be aware that you are giving higher priority to the relationship than to whether you get what you want regarding a child, and work toward a future solution.

Think “child,” not “children.” Having one child can be a great solution for people who want to experience the joys of parenting without being confined to their homes for years, or having to deal with sibling rivalry. Despite stereotypes, children in one-child families are happier than the rest of us, according to extensive research.

Ask your partner for ideas about how your solution could be made more palatable. Some women agree to take on the major responsibility for parenting–even if this compromises a couple’s nonsexist ethics. Many women see this as a choice to have the pleasures of motherhood rather than absolute social justice.

Some men who persuade their wives to forego motherhood are appropriately gracious about making other sacrifices: “We’ll move to Florence for you to study art for two years, even though it will be expensive.” Or, “I won’t complain if you want to spend Saturdays with your nieces and nephews.”

Treat your partner as the person you love, in all his/her uniqueness, which may include a different take on parenthood. He or she is more than an obstacle to your parenting or childfree goal. Theologian Martin Buber distinguished between “I-Thou” relationships—in which we experience and honor the person in their fullness of being—and “I-It” relationships, in which the other person exists in our minds only as a facilitator of or an obstacle to our goals. The “I-Thou,” qualities of listening and respect are the essence of loving each other. They will bring pleasure and meaning to your life as parents or a family of two.

In 1982, sociologists Pepper Schwartz and Philip Blumstein published American Couples: Money, Work, Sex, the first major study of its kind to compare gay male, lesbian, and heterosexual couples on basic issues such as sex, communication, and money. Among many other findings, their research showed that lesbian couples had less frequent sex than anyone else. And thus was born the trope of “lesbian bed death.” A majority of comparative studies in the past 30 years have replicated these results, although a few have found no differences between lesbian and heterosexual couples.

Over the decades, though, those of us who first publicized the American Couples findings have come to doubt them. More specifically, we have questioned whether “sexual frequency” is the most valuable measure of the sexual health of a relationship, whether our views and definitions of sex may be inherently heterocentric, even phallocentric. However, until recently we had nothing but our theories—and the incontrovertible data showing that female couples have less sex. The stereotype of “lesbian sex” became … cuddling, even the stereotypes that lesbians have of themselves. Never mind that the frontiers of BDSM, polyamory, and erotic gender bending were explored by lesbian and bisexual women long before most heterosexual women had a clue. Let’s forget the gay and bisexual female sex radicals, from Virginia Masters to Betty Dodson to Tristan Taormino. Lesbian sex, when not thought of as entertainment for men, has come to be seen as tepid and a little bit boring.

But now, finally, someone has done the research that explores the questions raised by feminist sexologists. At the annual conference of the Society for the Scientific Study of Sex (SSSS), which I attended for the first time in many years, I discovered that an abundance of the smartest young researchers in sexology are women, many of them queer women. One of them, Dr. Karen Blair, presented research that tested several measures of “sexual well-being,” not just frequency. She compared more than 800 men and women in relationships, about equal numbers of lesbians, gay men, heterosexual men, and heterosexual women, and asked questions about sexual frequency, duration of each sexual encounter, types of sexual acts, and orgasms.

Sure enough, as measured by frequency lesbians fell behind the others. Only about 15% of the lesbians had sex more than twice a week, compared to 50% or more of the others, and about 40% said there were weeks when they had no sex at all, compared to less than 20% of the rest of the sample. But if you looked at how long each sexual encounter lasted, women in same-sex relationships were champs. Gay men and especially male and female heterosexuals reported typical sexual encounters of a half hour or less, often much less. Lesbians, on the other hand, described sexual sessions lasting upward of 30 minutes, and nearly 10% reported encounters of two hours or more. This is our first hint that the measure of “sexual frequency” is inadequate. Perhaps lesbians have lower frequency because if each sexual encounter involves extended periods of sensual and sexual activity, it is harder to find time for sex. And if sex is that intense, maybe you don’t need or desire it as frequently. Maybe some of the other needs that genital sex fills—such as the need for intimacy and closeness—CAN be fulfilled by cuddling.

Blair’s other results are also food for thought. Not surprisingly, the most frequent sexual activity engaged in by heterosexual men and women was penile-vaginal intercourse, with the most common among gay men and lesbians being giving and receiving oral sex. More surprising was the finding that heterosexual women were most likely to say they did not always have an orgasm during partner sex—and lesbians, of all four groups, most frequently reported not only orgasms but multiple orgasms most frequently. Perhaps lesbians have sex less frequently because—due to those extended sessions and an abundance of oral sex—they tend to not only climax, but climax repeatedly on a regular basis. Looked at from this perspective, the “lesbian bed death” trope is clearly inappropriate and grossly misleading.

All participants in Blair’s study reported similar levels of sexual satisfaction, regardless of their orientation, and other comparison studies have shown a similar result. This is an interesting finding, considering that heterosexual women report fewer orgasms than lesbians, and that a common complaint of heterosexual women is that their partners do not spend enough time on foreplay. Do heterosexual women trade consistent orgasm for frequency? Do they care? The neuroscientist Sari van Anders, who rocked a plenary at SSSS with her research on hormones and neurotransmitters, provided a clue to the last question. Van Anders included both lesbians and heterosexual women in her research on the relationship of hormones to sexual behavior, and she found that heterosexual women did not expect orgasm during sex, while lesbians took having an orgasm in partnered sex for granted. Perhaps our expectations are shaped by our experiences, and “satisfaction” may have more to do with what we think is realistic than what is ideal.

So what does this mean about “lesbian bed death”? Sexual frequency declines in all long-term relationships, just a bit more drastically for women with women. Is frequency the only measure we should be looking at? Blair’s research suggests not. For lesbians, it seems just as satisfying to have fewer sexual encounters, to spend more time on each one, and to know that both partners will have at least one orgasm when they do choose to have sex. For many women, exchanging quantity for quality may seem an exchange worth making. What’s so bad about that?

To go a little deeper, if we throw out ‘frequency’ as the sole or even most important measure of sexual health, we see differences in sexual style that vary by sexual orientation but also by gender, and contrasting these dimensions gives us new insights. Lesbian sexuality could be thought of as what women do when they construct sexual scripts without male influence, while the sexual styles of women who have sex with men reflect how sex is constructed when there is a need to balance both male and female sexual styles. Lesbians construct sex as less frequent but more prolonged, intense, and orgasmic. Heterosexual women are content with fewer orgasms and more frequent genital encounters. Many heterosexual women dream of what in heterosexual terms is called “foreplay” but for lesbians is a routine part of sex—a lot of touching and oral genital contact. Do lesbians dream of quickies and sexual encounters where you go straight for the crotch?

There is tremendous variety, of course, in women’s sexual preferences, and the stereotypes I’ve created based on Blair’s study are grossly reductionistic. But there is something to be looked at here, something involving gender, the purposes served by genital sexual contact, clues that will help us learn more about human sexuality in gender.

But we will only learn it when we stop using terms such as “lesbian bed death” and start to look at all sexual styles as equal but different, instead of privileging certain types of sex over others. Sex is not a competition; it’s a rich and diverse activity whose mystery we have only begun to comprehend.

As a clinical psychologist and certified addictions counselor, I see husbands, wives, and partners in individual or couples therapy on a daily basis grappling with the decision to leave or divorce their spouse or partner. Therapists have long referred to the three “A’s” of divorce as legitimate reasons to consider ending a relationship when the behavior of one’s partner is clearly destructive, abusive, or there is no reason to believe it will improve. Psychologists have suggested that the top three reasons for divorce are abuse, addiction, and affairs.

Researchers have long reported that financial problems are the top area of conflict for most couples, and that communication is the second most-cited reason for marital discord. While that may be true, these problems pale in comparison to the severe and devastating consequences resulting from abuse, addiction, and affairs.

When people ask me whether they should leave their partner or initiate divorce proceedings, very often it is because of one of the above. Any one of these issues, in and of itself, can be severe enough to make the answer to this question simple, yet it is an intensely personal and complex choice and the decision must be made in the context of careful consideration for oneself, one’s family, and the state and federal laws pertaining to the behavior. It is of utmost importance that, when faced with a partner who is engaged in these behaviors, one consults a professional and receives support, education, and counseling.

These are not decisions that should be made in a vacuum—or alone. As the social creatures and pack animals that we are, we have evolved over time to need and rely on social supports to better understand ourselves and the situations in which we find ourselves. Seeking help and support is a necessary, if not sufficient, first step in making the right decision for ourselves when coping with addiction, affairs, or abuse.

Many people do recover. While keeping safety in mind first and foremost, any one instance of the three “A’s” may be something that couples can bounce back from if they receive enough help and support.

[fat_widget_left]One person with whom I worked found that she began to have feelings for a man she met online who was living in another state. She had no physical relationship with this man, but she continued to be connected with him for two years in what she later determined to be an emotional affair. When she and her husband finally entered couples therapy, she was able to confess her feelings for this man and her “emotional infidelity,” and end the affair promptly. She was able to work on what led her to stray from her husband and to articulate the ways in which she felt she was not getting her needs met at home and in their relationship, and they were able to make changes in order to save their marriage.

Another case of forgiving a violation of the three “A’s” involved a couple in which the man was physically abusive. He would block his wife’s exit from a door when she wanted to leave the house, jealously hack into her email, listen to her phone messages, and place restrictions on when she could go out and with whom she could spend time. At one point, he shoved her and she fell, almost bumping her head on a coffee table. While these are considered abusive behaviors in most states and punishable by law, the couple was able to learn about the definition of abuse—physical, sexual, and emotional—and the man fully engaged in individual and group counseling. He found a local therapist who ran groups for men with anger and physical abuse problems, enrolled in that program, and worked hard on himself for two years to save his marriage and family.

Often, couples enter counseling when marriages are on the brink and it becomes clear that one or both partners need individual counseling before the couples work can be successful. This last case is an obvious example where individual therapy would be essential at the start. The husband in this instance began individual therapy and conjoint group therapy, focusing on anger management and coping skills. Most importantly, he was able to identify and stop the abusive behavior, and the couple was able to resume their progress in couples counseling. After significant time and work, they were able to salvage their relationship and the marriage. This involved the wife’s ability to forgive and trust her husband again, of course, but also the husband’s ability to express his anger toward her in a more acceptable, healthy, and helpful way. The wife certainly needed her own individual therapy before she was even close to being willing to begin the couples counseling.

Addiction may be no different from affairs and abuse in this regard. When one’s addiction is severe, it is clearly grounds for ending a relationship or getting a divorce, but by no means is this always the case. When a husband, wife, or partner adequately addresses his or her drug and alcohol issues or other addictive issues, such as shopping addiction, gambling, or love or sex addiction, a couple can recover from the hurt, shame, and consequences of the addictive behaviors.

Many people are familiar with the quote, “We’re not responsible for falling down, but we are responsible for getting back up.” This is a wonderful analogy for the “disease” model of addiction. If you are walking along, don’t see a hole, and you fall in it, it isn’t your fault. It is, however, your responsibility to get up, to get out of the hole or ask for help. An individual with an addiction is not responsible for having the disease. It is sometimes a hereditary illness, a brain disease characterized by chronic relapse with psychosocial, biological, personal, and cultural origins. However, once someone knows that they have an addiction, they are responsible for picking themselves up, getting treatment, avoiding people, places, and things associated with their addiction, and working a program of recovery involving therapy, meetings, and the use of a support network such as a 12-step fellowship.

A few important things to remember: The three “A’s” and the behaviors surrounding them need to cease right away. In some cases this can be a work in progress, but in others it can’t. Physical, sexual, and emotional abuse needs to stop immediately. Some of these behaviors are obviously illegal and nonnegotiable. There is no way to continue an affair and work on one’s marriage at the same time. Individuals need a comprehensive assessment and evaluation to determine the appropriate level of care and to engage in the level of treatment and support that will keep them and others safe. After this is determined, if treatment is not working adequately and that level of treatment is deemed insufficient, then the individual will need to step up his or her treatment to a higher level of care.

Often, separation is a good idea as couples learn about the addiction, affairs, or abuse. A healthy separation can enable individuals to focus on their treatment and come together as needed when both are ready. This sort of separation enables both parties and their family to recognize that recovery is an individual’s responsibility and it is also a family affair. Whether children or extended family know explicitly about what is going on, to be sure, they are all affected. So when an individual begins recovery, so too does the family, and each member of the family may need support and/or counseling.

It is a spouse’s or partner’s responsibility to communicate to his or her partner what is acceptable and what is not. It is also incumbent on a spouse or partner to become educated about the law, about the disease of addiction, and to learn as much about the psychological underpinnings of the three “A’s” and these sorts of behaviors as possible. It is a partner’s responsibility to communicate as clearly as possible about what he or she believes is going on and to insist that his or her partner get help.

Rarely is anyone able to work through these sorts of problems without the support of professional help. Finding someone to help you and your spouse these days is very easy, however. GoodTherapy.org’s therapist directory is a great place to start. You can also contact your local city or state psychological society or association. Speak with a physician or friend you know who has been in counseling and ask them or their therapist for a referral. Most local therapists are willing to consult at no charge over the phone to help you determine if they might be a good match for you or your spouse.

Thanks for your question. I can imagine your chagrin at your husband shifting from what sounds like frequent acquiescence to “no more Mr. Doormat.” The problem, however, is that in his new “take no prisoners” approach he has become rigid and defensive. At least in some areas; you say he is loving and affectionate, though the defensiveness sounds anything but. Is there a particular topic that seems to trigger his hard-line stands?

I don’t know if you’re familiar with the impressive work of John Gottman and Julie Schwartz Gottman, but they list defensiveness and stonewalling as two of the “Four (marital) Horsemen of the Apocalypse.” (Contempt and criticism are the others.) Because compromise and flexibility are key to an evolving relationship, I can understand your frustration and hurt feelings. Good you’re addressing it, otherwise resentment and withdrawal may ensue. It sounds like you are starting to feel what he felt in his previous marriages, except in this new casting you are expected to say “OK” to everything, and clearly that is not going to work.

I guess one question I would have is, does he really understand how his new attitude is hurting you? I suppose from a psychodynamic point of view one might say he is defending against feelings of unworthiness and low self-esteem, but he is shifting all of the focus on the outside instead of processing the hurt feelings that may still remain from his previous marriage. You say he is dealing with insecurity, shame, and regret from his previous marriage, all painful, yes—but something to share with you in a tender way, or with a therapist to process and move beyond these internal reactions. (I’m not sure why I’m saying this, but intuitively I sense it might be good for him to find a male therapist to discuss this with, or even a men’s therapy group to find his own voice in all this, without having to go to extremes.)

In any event, it is never a good idea to meet rigidity with rigidity, at least when it comes to relationships (we can see how great it works in the nation’s capital, too). Lasting intimacy rests on trust, and trust requires vulnerability, acknowledgment, mutuality, and an atmosphere of empathy. Your husband seems empathically disconnected from his behavior, which forces you to pull back to protect yourself. I suggest you sit down and tell him how you feel when he acts in such a defensive manner. Try to focus on your own feelings, as opposed to “you’re being defensive,” etc. I find it more effective to say “it really hurts and feels like you don’t care when you …” The hope is that he will listen with his heart and understand that he is harming his beloved with this new stance (the flip side of total acquiescence), and will be motivated to change. Finally, if nothing else works, some marriage counseling might help you talk to each other in a way that breeds closeness rather than hurt. Thanks again for writing.

Respectfully,
Darren

A colleague of mine encourages people to consider the first day of every month a “New Year’s Day” of sorts: Instead of one New Year’s resolution, why not mindfully attempt change every month? Imagine what you can do for yourself in only a year.

While popular wisdom has long suggested that habits can be formed in about 30 days, recent research reveals the process is more nuanced, with habit formation typically taking 18 to 254 days, with an average of 66 days. However, the beauty of a 30-day challenge isn’t just about permanent habit formation—it’s about creating momentum, building awareness, and experiencing positive changes that can motivate longer-term growth.

Having challenged myself to new habits 30 days at a time in 2013, I’m challenging you to begin your own changes today.

Accept this invitation to tackle a 30-day challenge to enrich intimacy in your relationship. Start now—don’t wait until the first of the month. Consider which habit(s) would benefit you and your relationship to enrich or enhance intimacy. I’ve drawn up a possible list, pulled from research as well as my professional and personal experience, to help inspire ideas:

Within 30 days, read a book to improve your relationship—people who seek relationship counseling with me are encouraged to read Hold Me Tight by Dr. Sue Johnson. This groundbreaking book on Emotionally Focused Therapy has sold over 1 million copies and continues to help couples strengthen their relationships through evidence-based approaches. Another favorite is The Truth About Love by Dr. Pat Love, which explores the predictable stages of love relationships.

Commit to kissing hello and goodbye. In a fast-paced culture, romantic partners are often like “two ships passing in the night.” We miss simple, everyday opportunities to slow down and reconnect with loved ones. For the next 30 days, make a new rule in your relationship: kiss hello and goodbye—no exceptions! (Already doing this? OK, try this one. Make each kiss last at least five seconds; trust me, it’ll feel longer and more intimate than you assume. Imagine your lips on your loved one’s lips, cheek, or neck for the count of one … two … three … four … five. Now THAT’s a kiss.)

Add the “hug to relax” or “five-minute hug” to your day, every day, for 30 days. Recent research confirms that couples with higher comfort levels around physical affection report significantly better relationship well-being, with private touch being particularly important for relationship satisfaction. Set a time, and in a standing hug enjoy the waves of experiences you have in your partner’s arms. Notice what each of your five senses is sensing. Notice the smell of your partner’s neck, shirt, hair, etc. What do you hear in the hug? A heartbeat, breathing, or sounds of the environment? Notice the touch of your bodies: Where do you touch? Where do you not touch? Notice the sensation of standing on your feet for a period of time in one place.

Reduce your complaints and increase praise of your partner for the next 30 days. Dr. John Gottman’s extensive research has identified a “magic ratio” of 5:1—for every negative interaction during conflict, happy couples have five or more positive interactions. As with good parenting, we need to balance negative feedback and interaction (“Go do your homework!”) with positive feedback and interaction (“Thanks for getting to your chores!”) in our intimate relationships. I often explain to people that we are born to particular caregivers, but when we mature into adults and commit to a relationship, we choose and become “chosen caregivers.” It’s essential that we remember that our spouses are sometimes just “tall kiddos” who need and desire more praise than complaints.

Last but not least, consider sexual, engaged activity every day for 30 days. Now, this doesn’t have to mean intercourse, orgasm, or even nakedness, the goal is to foster closeness, affection, and mutual comfort. There is an array of activities we can indulge in to ignite and nourish our sexual selves. Recent research highlights the strong connection between active, satisfying intimacy and overall relationship wellbeing, with studies showing that couples who engage in regular intimate connection report higher relationship satisfaction. Body rubs, hand massaging, bathing together, undressing your partner, spooning, masturbating solo or beside each other—these are just a few ideas for a 30-day challenge.

This exercise works best for couples who are feeling generally good in their relationship. If you or your partner are navigating sexual pain, past trauma, postpartum changes, big differences in desire, or other challenges, take it slow, and don’t hesitate to check in with a sex therapist before diving in.

Bonus idea straight from a sex therapist’s office: One of my clients’ favorite ideas for being sexual that doesn’t require much of anything is a “walk down memory lane.” This approach draws on the therapeutic power of reminiscence, which research shows can create positive emotional connections and enhance wellbeing. Reminisce together about the hottest sex you’ve had together, fire up your memory by indulging in a description of what your senses experienced, maybe even come up with a title for this memory as if it were its own sexy movie. Perhaps take the memory a little further by embellishing, elaborating, or peppering some components of fantasy by sprinkling in spicy details you would add if you could go back in time.

The “walk down memory lane” exercise is most enjoyable when your shared sexual history feels positive and consensual. If you and your partner have experienced trauma, coercion, or infidelity, revisiting sexual memories might feel upsetting instead of connecting. In that case, it’s perfectly okay to skip this one, or try it with guidance from a therapist.

Find a Therapist

This isn’t necessarily a go-big-or-go-home challenge, mind you. Take on something you can be successful doing. The goal is to form a new habit, enrich intimacy, and add pleasure to your relationship.

Enjoy!

References:

1. Singh, B., Murphy, A., Maher, C., & Smith, A. E. (2024). Time to form a habit: A systematic review and meta-analysis of health behaviour habit formation and its determinants. Healthcare, 12(23), 2488. https://doi.org/10.3390/healthcare12232488
2. Healthline. (2025, October 16). Habit formation: How long it takes and how to start now. Healthline. https://www.healthline.com/health/how-long-does-it-take-to-form-a-habit
3. Psychology Today. (2026, January). One powerful habit that couples should never underestimate. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/social-instincts/202601/one-powerful-habit-that-couples-should-never-underestimate
4. Johnson, S. (2008). Hold me tight: Seven conversations for a lifetime of love. Little, Brown and Company.
5. International Centre for Excellence in Emotionally Focused Therapy. (2024). Dr Johnson books. ICEEFT. https://iceeft.com/dr-johnson-books-2/
6. Gottman Institute. (2017). The magic relationship ratio, according to science. The Gottman Institute. https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-magic-relationship-ratio-according-science/
7. Psychology Today. (2022). The Gottman ratio for happy relationships at work. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/curating-your-life/202206/the-gottman-ratio-happy-relationships-work
8. Australian Institute of Family Studies. (2023). Relationships and sexual activity: Trends in Australia. https://aifs.gov.au/research/reports/relationships-and-sexual-activity-trends
9. Positive Psychology. (2025). Reminiscence therapy vs. life review therapy: A quick guide. PositivePsychology.com. https://positivepsychology.com/reminiscence-therapy-life-review-therapy/

I see you understand yourself very well—better than most people do, in fact, and I think your understanding comes from your intellectual abilities, which I believe are way above average. You’re quite blessed to have this capacity, but the mind alone is not capable of changing this style of processing.

You write that you are in a relationship, and I wonder how your partner is impacted by your distortions, and how you deal with that together. You say that you obsess that your partner may be cheating, though there is no evidence that this is true. If you’re feeling unwanted, you might ask for excessive reassurance, which rarely works for very long to calm anxiety and which can be annoying to others. How does your partner react to your fears? Does your partner know ways to help? If not, couples counseling might be good for both of you.

Listen to the way you talk to yourself—what you say about yourself to yourself. Perhaps you berate yourself as you lose patience with your repetitive and catastrophizing thoughts. Be kind, as kind as you probably are to others. Remember that charity begins at home, and exercise compassion. And practice ways to so soothe yourself, perhaps through restorative yoga or long walks or jogs.

Finally, your obsessions may be an indication of obsessive compulsion, which often runs in families, and treatment can help effectively manage this. One way to treat obsessive thoughts is with cognitive behavioral therapy, during which people are exposed to situations that they are afraid of until they gradually become less sensitized. Psychodynamic psychotherapy with someone who specializes in helping people reach their unconscious feelings and work them out in relationship with the therapist might be ideal, or you might want to work with an art therapist or even a psychoanalyst.

Anti-anxiety or antidepressant medications benefit some people, too, but if you and your doctor decide that this is your path, you must be carefully monitored by a psychiatrist. If you do take medication, you might consider combining this with some form of psychotherapy.

Thank you very much for consulting GoodTherapy.org; I wish you a successful journey!

Kind regards,
Lynn