GoodTherapy | 5 Steps to Reviving Sexless and Sex-Starved MarriagesFor many couples, the sexual intimacy tends to wax and wane over time. I get countless couples who state they have had sex-starved or sexless marriages for years. They come to sex therapy to rebuild, but then struggle on the path to recovery.

For the purposes of this discussion, a sexless marriage is one in which sex happens 10 times a year or fewer. In these marriages, sex is so infrequent that by the time couples do have sex it can feel awkward, uncomfortable, and even involve sexual dysfunction.

Sexless marriages tend to be cyclical in nature. First, individuals wait for long periods of time between sexual encounters. During that time, pressure or tension builds between the partners. Next, individuals put higher expectations on the sexual experience. When they do have sex, something goes wrong or it just doesn’t meet expectations. This leads to both partners feeling like failures and waiting even longer before trying sex again. It’s a vicious cycle.

Relationships become sexless or sex-starved for a variety of reasons. Sometimes couples don’t intentionally set aside time to themselves as a couple. It is hard to be intimate if you don’t feel connected to your partner. Other times, an individual may develop a sexual dysfunction such as orgasmic disorder, erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation, or pain during sex. Instead of getting treatment, the person avoids sex.

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Whatever the cause, once couples get into the cycle, it can be difficult to break, especially if the cycle lasts for more than a year. After a year, couples begin to build resentments toward one another. The lack of intimacy can lead to problems in other areas of the relationship.

In sex therapy, couples learn how to rebuild their relationship over time. Couples can expect a sex therapist to assign different intimacy-building tasks to help them gain confidence and comfort within the sexual realm. Typically, sex therapy can last anywhere from six sessions to 15-plus depending on what relationship issues may also need resolution. I strongly encourage couples struggling with this issue to seek help before it is too late.

For couples who would like to prevent sexless marriages, here are a few intimacy-building tips to keep the spark in your relationship long term:

  1. Make your relationship a priority. Set aside time together alone at least three times weekly. This can include a date night, going for walks, cuddle time before bed, sharing a hobby, having a coffee together on your porch, sharing a meal, exercising together, or anything else that involves you two being alone together.
  2. Create and keep couple rituals. A couple ritual is a habit you and your partner share with one another that is unique to your relationship. A ritual can be simple or great. Examples include brushing your teeth together, watching a game show and competing for who can answer the questions first, kissing before you leave for work and once you get home, an inside joke or special language only the two of you share, etc. Develop a variety of couple rituals and keep these rituals going over the years.
  3. Intentionally and regularly put yourself in the mood for sex. People tend to wait until they feel sexy before initiating sex. The issue with this is that during different times in your life, you will have more or less desire for sex. Rather than waiting, learn what turns you on and intentionally do things to put yourself in the mood. I encourage each person in a couple to put themselves in the mood and initiate sex with their partner once every week.
  4. Flirt and keep flirting. While dating, couples are great at flirting with one another. They share sexy text messages, speak with innuendo, smile and toss their hair, dress their best, and in general try to attract their partner. Many couples get married and assume flirting is not necessary anymore. Flirting is a key component to keeping that spark flowing.
  5. Work at it. Try new things. Talk about likes and dislikes. Practice being more romantic. Be affectionate regularly. Whatever you do, understand that intimacy in long-term relationships takes work from both parties. As long as you are both committed to do that work, you’ll do just fine.

Couple of two friends together in a parkWe’ve all heard that life’s problems don’t disappear because of a romantic relationships. But according to a new German study, love really might conquer all. Researchers found that positive romantic relationships can help stabilize people who tend toward neurosis. Neuroticism is dismissed by many in the mental health community; many mental health professionals see that it pathologizes personality traits, reducing mental health issues to an overall personality flaw. For the purposes of this article, we are recognizing neuroticism as a collection of traits including anxiety, insecurity, low self-esteem, and unhappiness.

The Study

Psychologists have long viewed neuroticism as a relatively stable personality trait. People who score high on measures of neuroticism tend to continue to score high months and even years later. But researchers wanted to see how a romantic relationship affected people who tended to be labeled neurotic. They followed 245 couples ranging in age from 18 to 30 for three months.

Using questionnaires, researchers identified some participants as having neurotic tendencies, then asked participants about their relationship satisfaction. Because people with neurotic tendencies often react negatively to everyday events, researchers also presented participants with various scenarios and asked them to evaluate how these scenarios might affect their relationships.

Researchers found that, as the duration of a romantic relationship increases, the negative reactions that people reported on questionnaires decreased. The researchers speculate that this may be because a romantic relationship increases the frequency of positive emotions, and that this process can help people with neurotic tendencies unlearn negative emotions.

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Will Romance Treat Anxiety?

The prospect that romance can treat anxiety and negativity is a promising one. However, researchers only looked at people in a romantic relationship. They did not evaluate whether the positive effects continued after the relationship ends, and this leaves open another avenue for potential future research.

It’s also important to note that rushing into a relationship is still not a good treatment for anxiety. The study only looked at people in relatively stable, healthy relationships. The results might look much different for people in abusive or unhappy couples, and the effects of such a relationship on an already anxious person could be even more pronounced.

We already know, for example, that a bad relationship can lead to physical illness, so people with neurotic tendencies shouldn’t pursue relationships solely to “cure” their anxiety. Ultimately, this study is part of a mounting body of research that shows that a healthy relationship yields healthy results.

References:

  1. Hodgekiss, A. (2013, February 18). How a bad relationship can make you ill—by damaging your immune system. Retrieved from http://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-2280629/Being-anxious-relationship-make-ill–damaging-immune-system.html
  2. Love makes you strong: Romantic relationships help neurotic people stabilize their personality. (2014, May 9). Retrieved from http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2014/05/140509074114.htm

Before I jump straight to the heart of your question—to divorce or to not divorce—I’d like to take a moment and encourage you to consider some intermediate steps.

What I hear you saying is that while you love your husband, have a generally positive relationship, and are companionable, you feel as if there is something missing from your relationship, something you do not want to do without for the rest of your life. I wonder if he feels the same way.

What might it be like to open a dialogue that celebrates the time that you’ve had together and opens up a discussion about what you each want for your remaining years? If you haven’t let your husband know that you aren’t satisfied with the status quo, you have not given him, nor you, an opportunity to see if your relationship can change. That seems unfair, and it does not honor the relationship you have shared these many years. It may be that he also feels unsatisfied and doesn’t know what to do about it. You can’t know unless you begin communicating with each other.

There are couples who work together to reignite the “spark” that has faded. There are some who stay married, yet change the expectations of their relationship so each can get their needs met. There are others who decide that separation or divorce is the best option for them. Figuring out which path is for you should be, at the very least, a conversation rather than a unilateral decision.

These conversations can be challenging, often because we are afraid to hurt those we care about. Imagine, however, the depth of hurt when one is blindsided by a request for a divorce with no indication that one’s partner is unhappy. You both deserve better than that—as does your relationship.

I encourage you to get the support you feel you need in broaching these topics with your husband. He might be hurt to learn that you are not satisfied with your relationship, but he also may be relieved to finally be talking about it. If you are hesitant to open up a dialogue on your own, you can work with a couples counselor to explore these issues. Divorce is a big step to take, with logistical, emotional, and financial ramifications, but if the two of you are open with each other, explore options together, and ultimately come to that decision together, the chances of retaining the positive spirit of your relationship are significantly greater.

Best of luck!
Erika

Couple in disagreement sitting on a couchAt least once a week, we get a call from someone who says, “I know our relationship needs work, but my partner won’t go to therapy with me. What can I do?”

More often than not, when one partner (not always the guy) suggests going to couples therapy, the other partner hears an alarm. Danger! Danger! A tsunami of anxiety floods the mind. Fear abounds. Automatic thoughts start racing: “I’m not talking about our relationship with a stranger. How are they going to fix our problems? What could they possibly say that would make a difference? If you would just (fill in the blank), our relationship would be fine. Who is this therapist? What are they going to think of me? Will they like me? What if they tell me I’m wrong? We can fix this ourselves.”

In response to this resistance, the first partner either escalates the conversation, resulting in an argument, or stops talking and walks away feeling frustrated and hopeless.

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So how can you convince your partner to go to therapy with you? Here are five suggestions:

1. Address the objection or fear. Beneath the surface of defensiveness is fear. If it’s not obvious, you might ask your partner, “What concerns you about us going to therapy?” Once you identify that fear, you can address it. A sample conversation:

Him: “I don’t want someone telling me what to do. We can fix this ourselves.”

Her: “I wish we could, but we have been trying to do that with no success. An objective point of view would be helpful.”

Him: “How is a stranger going to fix our problems?”

Her: “I read about the therapist on her website, and she works with other couples just like us. Let me send you the link.”

Him: “If you would just (fill in the blank), our problems would be solved.”

Her: “I know I have a big part in resolving our differences, but it takes two people to have a conflict and two people to solve it. It’s important for each of us to look at our part and how we can improve our partnership.”

2. Describe the benefit to your partner. Think from your partner’s perspective. What would he or she get out of going to therapy? For example: “If you went, it would make me very happy; it would show me you are making an effort; it would make me feel like we’re truly partners; it would help us understand each other better; we would learn some new skills/techniques that would decrease our arguing so we would feel closer and be able to have more fun; if we felt intimate more of the time, I would feel like having sex more.”

3. Pique his or her interest. Find an article, podcast, or YouTube video and ask your partner to read, watch, or listen. You can use this as a conversation starter. Ask your partner what he or she thought about it or what part he or she related to. Then share your thoughts. Make your partner the expert on the topic and ask if he or she thinks most men/women feel that way.

4. Use a “coaching” model. Often, people think couples therapy is only for people who are deeply troubled. Describe going to the sessions as “relationship coaching,” putting the focus on learning skills and techniques, not changing him/her or his/her personality. Many men in particular often can relate to a coaching metaphor, as sports teams need a good coach to be their best.

5. Ask your partner to go just once and try it. Assure your partner that it is fine if he or she doesn’t want to go back after the first visit. He or she may resist less if it’s understood that he/she doesn’t have to commit to the therapeutic process. After the first session, he or she may see the value and want to continue. Also, this moves the fear of the unknown out of the way.

You might want to use one or several of these ideas when you approach your partner. The bottom line is that one person can work on his or her part of relationship issues, but there is much more that can be accomplished when both partners avail themselves of the process.

For more information about helping a loved one who needs therapy, click here.

GoodTherapy | How Being a Pleaser May Increase Your Risk of InfidelityCheating is an emotionally charged topic. When we hear of an affair, our immediate response can feel like a punch in the stomach. We empathize with what the betrayed partner must be going through. For most of us, in those moments, we feel aligned to that person because we either know from experience or can imagine what she or he must be feeling after such a revelation.

We may become triggered, wondering if our own relationship is vulnerable to an affair, and how we would get through such a traumatic experience. We may even decide we no longer want to associate with the partner who cheated, and cut off all ties or distance ourselves.

No relationship is immune to infidelity. Research has shown that oftentimes partners are not looking for affairs, but they gradually slide into one because the opportunity presents itself. Some relationships may be more susceptible than others, because of factors such as keeping separate social circles or having demanding careers that require travel or excessive time away from home.

An often-overlooked risk factor making a relationship vulnerable to infidelity is the presence of one or both partners having a “people pleasing” personality type.

[fat_widget_right]What does people-pleasing have to do with cheating?

Pleasers tend to share a commonly held set of assumptions:

In a relationship of any kind, these assumptions translate into behavior and feelings that look like this:

Pleasers often end up in places they do not want to be: they marry the person their parents adore; they propose because that is the next logical step; they have babies because their spouse is ready for parenthood. Pleasers may stay in a relationship because that is what they feel they are supposed to do.

They live their lives by assumptions, and in the end do not really have a strong sense of who they are and what they want. They are often in a lot of emotional pain. Though they may feel hurt, resentment, and confusion, they do not actively acknowledge it within themselves.

Over time, the pleaser disappears in the relationship. They have been forsaken for the “should”. And when both partners are not showing up and representing themselves as two distinct individuals the, relationship can become ripe for an affair.

Which Partner Is at Risk for Cheating?

Well, that depends. The pleaser may cheat because she is extremely unhappy but doesn’t have the skills and sense of worth to speak up. Instead of using her voice to express her needs to the other partner, her pain may lead her into the arms of an attentive or exciting other. This may come after an awakening or realization that she is discontent or that her current partner is not a match for her after all.

Maybe the pleaser begins to assert himself, but the tracks are too deeply grooved and the other partner is not responsive to the pleasing partner’s new protests. He may be shut down and shut out more firmly than before, so any attempt to correct the imbalance leads him to the conclusion that he is stuck in an unchanging, painful dynamic. Turning away from his partner to fulfill his needs is much more appealing.

It can also be the non-pleasing partner who, over time, gets bored with the lack of challenge or resistance to being in relationship with a pleaser. There can be little push back or debate with a pleaser. The pleaser becomes invisible because who he or she is as a person is not adequately represented in the relationship.

The non-pleasing partner may feel suffocated by the needs and symbiotic pull (enmeshment) of the pleaser and can’t get enough time alone. An affair can be an act of defiance—a declaration of “I need some space.”

The Antidote

While there is no failsafe measure to protect against a breach of the marital walls, moving toward truth telling and away from pleasing will certainly help to minimize some of the risk. When both partners show up every day sharing the truth of who they really are, they create a strong, secure attachment to one another.

They acknowledge and are able to respond to each other’s separate and distinct needs. And this affirmation of both partners within the relationship keeps some of the holes filled so they are less likely to be filled outside the marriage.

Thank you for your question. Boy, have you been on a roller coaster! In fact, this was my first response: Gee, does he really want to get back on? But then I reflected on it, and I began to see the question in a more positive light, thinking: Perhaps he really cares about her, loves her, and is willing to wait. Maybe he sees something worth waiting for. And what is nobler than that?

At the same time, it’s possible you are feeling some survivor guilt after all this intensity (i.e., a “horror film.”) Your girlfriend, while lovely in many ways, I’m sure, clearly has some posttraumatic stress-type abandonment terrors and, probably, some trauma or historical abuse to work through. This can take a while. It is hard to predict the course of therapy; my sense is that the more you give her space to really work on healing herself, the better. It is easy to find distraction when the hard road of recovery lies before you, especially in the early stages. Keep holding your ground, because many people in early treatment look for distractions or exits. In fact, I think the less talk of “we’ll give it another try,” the better. “Let’s see how it goes first” might be the more prudent approach.

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Even if you do decide to give love another try, she needs time to establish some emotional balance in her life, to withstand life’s inevitable volatility—which has proven so dangerously destabilizing to her. (She must have really been treated horribly at some point in her life; how lucky she has someone who cares for her so much now!) Treatment is very hard to predict. Based simply on what you describe, it sounds like she has some knotty psychological issues to untangle. Also, there are always relapses in the best of treatments, and the inevitable ups and downs. Be prepared for a long haul with—I hope—subtle but lasting changes along the way.

But let’s talk about you for a moment. You are in an existential dilemma in the sense that no one except you really knows what it is like in your own skin, to say nothing of what lies within your heart. Because of the complexity of what you are facing, and if I may be so bold, might I suggest some therapy for yourself? Your questions are actually about your girlfriend, but what lies within you? What do you need to be happy from this or any partner—what can and can’t you live with to feel safe? I suggest a cooling-off period where you spend time with friends or doing things you enjoy, getting on with life, seeing how it feels to live without the “horror film” and threats. Sad to say, but I wonder if your girlfriend is really available for a relationship, given the inevitable challenges of intimacy. (What does her therapist say about this?) Love is often given as “the answer” to life’s woes, but love, like life, is always subject to unpredictability.

You say you need “expert advice,” a wise observation given that you have been through trauma; though your tone is admirably stalwart, I can’t help but think it disturbing to have witnessed your beloved behaving so destructively, perhaps like someone you hardly even recognized. (Trauma states are often jarringly alien to friends and loved ones, even the person him/herself.)

No one can say, when all is said and done, whether your questions are reflective of love and devotion or so-called “codependence.” But counseling, even short-term, would probably help gain some perspective as the dust clears. You’re very smart, by the way, to hesitate before leaping back in. The fact you are hesitating to seek “expert advice” might indicate a need to explore the pain of your own recent experience as much as the possible return of the relationship. And yes, I do mean your pain, which counts just as much as hers—or should, if we’re talking about a romance between equals. Without something resembling equality-based thinking, where both partners’ needs “count”—a relationship between two committed, equally available and accountable partners—intimacy cannot thrive.

Best wishes,
Darren

couple walking in a parkToday’s world is filled with messages on how to date, but frankly, most of what we hear is creating heartache after heartache for women. After even one heartbreak, a woman might find herself distancing herself emotionally, having problems connecting, or experiencing trust issues.

The examples in pop culture are numerous. On this past season of ABC’s The Bachelor, for example, viewers watched as women became physically involved with the leading man. In the words of one participant, when they kissed, all the issues in her mind “disappeared.” Several women during the season described delving into a fast, physical relationship, while the emotional relationship was missing something.

What we are seeing is that many women are first looking for a physical connection and then asking themselves: Do I really like him? Are we really compatible? Do we really want the same things in life? Unfortunately, once we develop a strong physical or sexual connection and become infatuated, our brains start to convince many of us that the answers to the above questions are yes, when in fact they may be no.

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Why does this happen? According to researcher Helen E. Fisher, individuals who are “falling in love” experience elevated concentrations of central dopamine and norepinephrine along with lower levels of serotonin, which tends to mean they obsessively focus their thoughts and attentions on one another and, more importantly, on their partner’s positive attributes rather than the negative ones (p. 416). Once that “falling” feeling has diminished, as it generally does over the next few months, individuals begin to notice deficits more rapidly than before.

So now we have a situation where a woman is emotionally invested and connected with a man, but experiences confusion about whether they are actually compatible or share the same values or goals. To protect her heart, she tries to convince herself that they are a good match and that they want the same things in life. But she may still hear that “little voice” telling her that something is not right.

Ladies! Consider the following advice to protect your heart, make smart dating decisions, and more easily find the person you may be searching for:

  1. Take the physical relationship slowly. Very slowly. Even kissing.
  2. Get to know him deeply. Find out if you share the same life goals and values. What kind of lifestyle does he envision? What are his thoughts on marriage and commitment? (Hint: If he tells you he has commitment issues and you are looking for commitment, then back away now.) Do you share the same family values? Do you see eye to eye on religion and spirituality? These are the types of answers you want.
  3. Believe that you can know whether you have chemistry with him before you are physical. Many people ask me, “But if we do not have a sexual relationship at first, how do I know if we will have sexual chemistry?” Do you long to kiss him? Do you want to reach out and hug him? Do you stare into each other’s eyes? If the answer to these questions is yes, then you can relax your anxiety because you do, in fact, have sexual chemistry. You can work on whatever sexual issues may arise once you have built a solid relationship.
  4. If a little voice inside of you is telling you that it’s not right, pay attention to that voice and try to figure out why it feels that way. What is it saying? What are the red flags you are picking up? Why are you staying in a relationship if your gut is telling you it’s not right? Are you afraid of being alone? Do you wonder if you will ever find Mr. Right?
  5. Be OK with being alone for a while. If you have a need to be in a relationship, you may settle or convince yourself that he is what you want out of fear of going without anyone. While you’re with Mr. Wrong, you won’t be emotionally available and open to meeting Mr. Right.

If we take care to protect our hearts and open ourselves up safely and slowly, we will reduce our possibility of getting hurt. Opening yourself up too much, too quickly may create a pattern of distrust or emotional guardedness with others, making it hard for you to find “the one,” even if he is standing right in front of you. Taking the time to open yourself up slowly and protecting your body and feelings will let you lead with your head so that your heart can follow.

Reference:

  1. Fisher, H. E., Aron, A., Mashek, D., Li, H., and L. Brown (2002). Archives of Sexual Behavior. Vol. 31, No. 5. Pp. 413-419.

couple having problems“David, tell Randy you’re sorry.”

“Sorry.”

The mother takes 7-year-old David to another part of the playground. By the sound of the “saaaaawry,” I’m guessing that David was being obedient, but he didn’t really know what he did, didn’t feel like it was his fault, and wasn’t sorry at all.

As adults, we hear (or even give) apologies such as, “I’m sorry you felt hurt.” “If I did something that hurt you, I’m sorry.” “I apologize, but I was really distracted by something else.” “I’m sorry, but you should know that I really love you and you shouldn’t take it so personally. It’s just the way I am.” “I’m sorry, but you are really making too big a deal of this. It is just a little thing.” “I apologize, but give me a break.” “I’m sorry for the problem you had. My assistant is normally on top of things.” When we give such apologies, we can say, as 7-year-old David did, “But I apologized!” However, when the apology (as in the examples above) is an inauthentic or inadequate apology, it doesn’t heal, doesn’t resolve, doesn’t soothe, and the hurt remains unmoved.

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Authentic and effective apology is the very core of healing, clarifying, and restoring relationships, from interpersonal to organizational to cross-cultural ones. A real and well-thought-out apology can, like forgiveness, cut the cycle of anger, revenge, and hatred. However, making a genuine apology causes the giver to be extremely vulnerable. You are admitting directly to another that you did something that caused harm. This is very humbling! Doing so is also challenging because it’s like leaping off a cliff into the unknown. You are not in charge of how your apology will be received. Your efforts could be harshly rejected, your hopes for healing thrown back in your face.

A client spent some months working with his shame about having abused his younger sister. From a most humble place, he wrote her an apology in the hope that this could be a first step in restoring their relationship. Several weeks later, the letter was returned to him, with “Rejected. You will not be forgiven.” written across his words. He was devastated. Over time he began to look at what he could do rather than grieving for the loss of his relationship with his sister.

His sister couldn’t accept his apology, but he could demonstrate that he had learned and changed by volunteering at a women’s crisis center. He also could be proud that he had broken many generations of family history by not abusing his own daughters. These actions, which he was proud of, had shifted his inner wound from the shame of feeling unforgivable to the fact of being unforgiven. He could now move on.

I asked a few of my friends to remember a time when they needed to and did offer someone an apology. Usually, we rightly focus on the feelings and needs of the hurt person, but I wondered what the apologizer got from the process. This is what I heard: “I got to let go of at least some of my guilt.” “The apology was accepted. It repaired the relationship, and the friendship actually got better.” “In the process of getting to being able to apologize, I went through all my defenses and finally got to see something about myself that I didn’t like and face the truth about a familiar and hurtful pattern I had been denying or at least had been unaware of. This was hard work. Once I got it, the apology was easy.” “Honestly, I don’t know if I got anything at all. It was really like just getting it out of the way.” “It was unbelievably relieving for me.” “It took such courage. I try so hard to be ‘good,’ and it was painful but freeing to be able not only to see but to take responsibility for doing a bad thing.” “I learned that it’s really OK to make mistakes. What isn’t OK is not to apologize for them and learn from them.”

Apologies open big doors. As John Kador puts it, “Apology is the bravest gesture we can make to the unknown. … Apologies unmask all the hopes, desires, and uncertainties that make us human because, at the moment of genuine apology, we confront our humanity most fully. At the point of apology we strip off a mask and face our limitations. No wonder we hesitate” (Kador, pp. 43-44).

What is the value of apology to the one who has been wounded? Opportunity for restoring relationship, deescalating conflict, rebalancing power, recovering dignity, letting go and moving on, stopping a cycle of resentment and revenge, and increasing trust in the human capacity for goodness and truth. This is a strong litany. From the biggest perspective, “quarrels often escalate into serious conflicts on the fulcrum of apology. … Throughout human history, endless cycles of revenge and untold suffering have resulted from the denial of effective apology. It’s a tragedy because apology has the power to defuse almost all human conflicts” (Kador, p. 45).

In my book Right Use of Power: The Heart of Ethics and in my ethics programs, I talk about resolving difficulties as one of the most important and challenging skills to learn as leaders and human beings. I describe five things that most people need to hear in order to for an injured relationship to be restored. Not all of these things will be essential in all situations, but at least one—and probably more—will be needed. Here they are (Barstow, p. 160):

  1. Acknowledgement
  2. Understanding
  3. Regret
  4. Learning
  5. Repair

Making “a genuine apology or/and authentic expression of … regret” is the complete description of No. 3.

Effective Apologies

With a deep bow to Kador for his excellent book Effective Apology: Mending Fences, Building Bridges, and Restoring Trust, I want now to suggest how one can make an apology with greater wisdom and skill.

Kador also names five dimensions in making an effective apology (Kador, p. 124): recognition, responsibility, remorse, restitution, and repetition. Here’s more about each of these.

General Considerations

Accepting Apologies

The other side of offering an apology is accepting one. On the receiving side, you must discern whether the apology is genuine and whether it feels satisfactory. Accepting is just accepting. It doesn’t automatically include trusting or forgiving. Rebuilding trust happens over time. Forgiveness is a separate process.

When you do accept an apology, it is important to make an acknowledgment. Responses such as, “It was nothing,” or, “Don’t worry about it,” or, “You don’t need to apologize,” or, “It’s too late” have the effect of dismissing the intended communication. They trivialize a vulnerable moment. Before learning about the apology process, I had thought that when I said, “It was nothing,” I was being kind, generous, and forgiving. I now understand it to be disrespectful. When the apology is genuine, it is best to say, “I accept your apology.” The interaction needs to be complete and acknowledged. A friend’s “I’m sorry I’m late; I know that caused you some extra work” deserves my recognition of her humility and awareness of her negative impact. “Thank you, I accept your apology” as a response in this case works well.

Apology can move mountains. A half-hearted one can make things worse. A sincere and well-crafted apology can restore relationships.

GoodTherapy | How Much Grief Can a Relationship Handle?Although grief is a part of life, it can be one of the hardest parts of life, and one of the most difficult to understand. At the end of the day, grief is a very lonely journey. People who are ensconced in the process of grieving often say they feel like they’re alone, like they’re going crazy, like the rest of the world is buzzing around them while they’re trapped in a bubble, and like they’ve lost themselves and wonder when they’ll be “normal” again. It’s a process that is very internal and confusing, and it can be difficult to feel a sense of connection in the world.

To be in an intimate relationship with someone who is in this space can feel just as lonely and confusing. You want to be there for your partner, but don’t know what he or she needs or wants. You want the person to feel better. You want the person to be him/herself again. You want the person to be able to support you on those days when your life feels hard. Or maybe, very simply, you just want that smile or playfulness back that used to be so fun.

When a person is grieving, his or her capacity for giving to a relationship is far less than normal. He or she is consumed with comprehending the loss experienced, and with coping with the multitude of feelings that accompany grief. In many cases, a person experiences depression alongside the grief, which can feel like another barrier to relating with him or her.

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I’ve seen many couples, of all lengths of relationships, struggle through these issues and wonder how their relationship can survive such a raw and inevitably difficult time in life. It would seem that the longer a couple has been together, the greater the ability of both people to stick through the hard times with each other, possibly because they have made a commitment to each other, or because there is more trust developed in the relationship. But what I’ve witnessed is the success of many of these couples, regardless of how long they have been together, as they have moved toward each other, rather than away from each other, during this hard time. If two people believe in their relationship AND feel that they can get their needs for connection met AND there is patience available in the partnership, the outcome is usually positive. How long they’ve been together is less of an influence if these pieces are present.

  1. Get some of your needs met outside of your relationship. The simple truth is that your partner can’t be there as much as he or she could before the loss because the person is busy experiencing so many feelings and reactions to that loss. You may feel upset or angry that this is the case. If you do, talk with someone about it. If you’re judging yourself for feeling this way, talk with someone about that as well. And amid all of it, understand that your partner just can’t be there as much right now, and it’s OK for you to seek friendship and social connection with your friends or social spheres more regularly. You are experiencing something fundamentally different than your partner, and you cannot expect yourself or your partner to be in a different place.
  2. Have patience. Your partner will return. The grief will integrate into his or her life and psyche, and be less of an overwhelming force that shrouds each day. Grief doesn’t ever go away; however, it does subside, and your partner’s “normal” personality will come back, albeit with more of a personal understanding of what life means to them. This is an opportunity for you to connect with the person in a very deep way. The things your partner will come through this experience with are incredibly important and will offer you not only a perspective on how grief feels, but also a perspective on your partner’s unique way of finding meaning in life. This could be an amazing source of connection for you both as you gain understanding about this deep and sacred aspect of your partner’s psyche.
  3. Understand your own grief. Grief can beget grief. Seeing someone we love grieve often reminds us of our own grief, and can remind us in very visceral ways what it was like to lose someone—or a pet. In the grand scheme of things you do not have to put your experience on hold; in fact, this would be detrimental to your relationship and to yourself. In the moment, you may have to put aside what you’re feeling in order to be fully present for your partner, but please come back to it. Give your own experience the space it needs, whether by talking with someone, journaling, making art, taking a walk, or just sitting with it. When your partner is ready, he or she may even ask you about it.
  4. Let your partner feel all of his or her feelings. For those of us who take our responsibilities seriously, the experience of watching someone in discomfort or distress can trigger a cascade of our own discomfort that we often assuage by trying to say the right thing or by trying to find a solution to the “problem.” If there is one thing you remember from this article, remember that feelings are not problems. Your partner must feel the entirety of his or her experience if he or she is going to get through the grief in one piece. This means that there is nothing “right” to say, there is nothing you can do to make the person feel better, and in fact when you try to make the person feel better you’re creating a dissonance between the two of you that will just make your relationship suffer. Your partner needs you to simply hear what this is like for him or her, and to accept it. Accept your partner’s feelings as his or her truth, and accept the fact there is nothing to do about it. The act of simply listening without rushing in to change anything will offer more than you can imagine.

First of all, I want to commend you on the great job you have done reflecting on and understanding your feelings around this issue, and on sharing them with your partner. It sounds like you two are able to communicate openly and honestly with one another even when it is not easy. I would encourage you to continue the conversation; keeping the lines of communication open will help each of you to get your needs met in the relationship.

Speaking of needs, I’m wondering if there is anything that your boyfriend feels is lacking in the relationship. It’s possible that he is perfectly satisfied by the relationship. However, there might be something he would like that he is not getting, or something he would like more of. If this is the case, it means there are things you can both be doing to nourish your relationship. If there is something he is seeking and you look for opportunities to provide that for him, he might not only feel even more loved, but also look for opportunities to make you feel loved by initiating that physical and verbal affection you are seeking. It could become a very positive cycle that allows you to deepen your connection to one another.

I’m also wondering about the other relationships in your life now—family, friends, colleagues, etc. What needs do these relationships fill? I raise the issue because our intimate relationships are so central in our lives that it can be easy to fall into the trap of expecting our partners to fill all of our needs. It is not possible for any one person to satisfy all of another person’s needs. So, if this is the expectation, even the best of relationships will surely miss the mark and leave us feeling disappointed.

Your level of self-awareness and your ability to speak candidly with your partner is so important. It was brave of you to acknowledge and discuss the connection you have made between your sour mood and your partner’s affection. This is definitely something you want to work through before it goes on too long. I doubt you want to have to be in a bad mood every time you want a little affection from your partner. Plus, while it is working now, your partner might grow to feel manipulated by it and ultimately become resentful. This is something you want to nip in the bud!

As I’ve said, the insight and communication here seems really strong, so keep talking to each other and working on this. If it seems like you are getting stuck, consider reaching out to a couples therapist to get some assistance with moving the conversation forward. Best wishes on your journey together.

Respectfully,
Sarah

When trust becomes difficult or impossible in relationships, the impact can be devastating. Trust is widely regarded as a fundamental psychological concept in the study of relationships, yet for many people, past experiences make trusting others feel dangerous or impossible. Whether stemming from trauma, loss, or early attachment disruptions, trust issues can create cycles of fear, anger, and emotional distance that sabotage the very connections we most need.

For many people, trust issues don’t start with abstract trauma, they start with something painfully concrete: a partner who cheated, suspicious messages discovered late at night, or the sinking feeling that something was off long before the truth came out.

In today’s digital world, breaches of trust aren’t always obvious. Emotional affairs, secret conversations, and boundary violations through texting or social media can quietly erode a sense of safety. Many people searching for help with trust are trying to answer a simple but difficult question: “Why didn’t I see this coming…and how do I trust again?”

This comprehensive guide explores how trust issues develop, their impact on relationships, and evidence-based approaches for healing. If you’re struggling with trust in relationships, know that you’re not alone—and that with the right support, healing is possible.

The Connection Between Trauma and Trust

Trust issues rarely develop in isolation. While major trauma can play a role, many people trace their difficulties back to relationship experiences that felt confusing, invalidating, or deceptive—such as being cheated on, lied to, or repeatedly reassured that nothing is going on when something actually was.

In everyday relationship contexts, trust is often damaged by:

As one therapist explains to a client struggling after parental suicide: “The kind of traumatic grief and loss you’re describing will definitely impact your relationships. Sometimes people who suffer such losses find it hard to sustain the kind of vulnerability and trust an intimate relationship requires… While extreme losses can deeply affect trust, many people experience a similar emotional pattern after betrayal in relationships: You find yourself becoming frightened or angry over the inevitable conflicts of relationships, or over ‘red flags’ that definitely indicate betrayal or abandonment due to the amplified after-effects of your loss.”

Aspects of the traumatic event and certain biological and social factors may make some people more likely to develop PTSD. For instance, previous exposure to adversity and other traumatic experiences, especially in childhood, can increase a person’s chance of developing PTSD later in life.

Common traumatic experiences that impact trust include:

Why Betrayal Feels so Destabilizing

One of the most disorienting aspects of betrayal is not just what happened, but realizing you missed or dismissed signs along the way. Many people describe being blindsided, even when, in hindsight, there were moments of doubt: things that didn’t add up, gut feelings that were pushed aside, or boundaries that weren’t enforced.

This is where trust becomes more than trusting others, it becomes about trusting yourself. If you don’t feel confident that you can recognize problems early or handle the truth when it appears, it becomes much harder to feel safe in any relationship.

How Trust Issues Develop: The Role of Attachment

Our early relationships shape how we understand trust, but you don’t need to know psychological theories to recognize the patterns. If you grew up feeling secure and heard, trust may feel more natural. If your early experiences involved inconsistency, emotional distance, or unpredictability, trust may feel harder to obtain and easier to lose. Relatedly, the attachment theory posits that trust emerges out of a secure parent-child relationship, and these parent-child trust experiences may translate and extend to relationships later in life.

Childhood trauma, including abuse, neglect, and emotional neglect, significantly disrupts emotional development and the attachment process. The maladaptive coping mechanisms formed in response to childhood trauma can persist into adulthood, complicating the ability to trust others and navigate emotional connections. This is particularly relevant in romantic relationships, where attachment styles established in childhood continue to influence relational dynamics.

Insecure Attachment Patterns:

Recent research found that insecure attachment, such as avoidant and anxious dimensions in parent–child attachment, was negatively associated with romantic relationship satisfaction in early adulthood. This matches with attachment theory that early insecure attachment can bring negative impact on later romantic interactions.

Common Signs of Trust Issues in Relationships

Trust issues manifest differently for different people, but common patterns include:

Emotional and Behavioral Signs:

Communication Patterns:

Relationship Behaviors:

The Cycle of Fear and Defensive Behaviors

One of the most insightful observations from therapy work is how “usually beneath anger is hurt, which might explain the intensity of the arguments you describe. You find yourself becoming frightened or angry over the inevitable conflicts of relationships… fear has a way of stoking adrenaline and anger as a way to defend against the terrors of loss and abandonment.”

This fear-anger-sabotage cycle is common in trauma survivors:

The symptoms of PTSD can cause significant distress and interfere with a person’s ability to engage in daily activities, including sleeping and eating. People with PTSD often have co-occurring conditions, such as depression, substance use, or anxiety disorders, which can further complicate relationship dynamics.

Another layer of this cycle is self-doubt. After being hurt or blindsided, many people stop trusting their own judgment: “How did I not see this?” This can lead to either hypervigilance (seeing threats everywhere) or avoidance (not wanting to look too closely at all). Both patterns make trust harder, not just with others, but within yourself.

Trust Issues After Grief and Loss

Loss can be particularly devastating to our ability to trust in relationships. While grief is often associated with death, many people experience a similar process after the loss of a relationship due to betrayal, infidelity, or deception.

*”Thank you so much for writing, and I’m very sorry to hear about your loss… It sounds like you find yourself unintentionally or unconsciously needing to defend against the terror of a repeated abandonment.”*

This response captures something crucial: after significant loss, especially traumatic loss like suicide, the fear of experiencing that pain again can make trusting others feel impossible. Recent clinical trials involving a combined 641 participants with Prolonged Grief Disorder showed that targeted grief-specific psychotherapy demonstrated over 70% effectiveness in resolving symptoms.

Specific impacts of grief on trust:

Darren Haber bio

Trust, Boundaries and Facing Reality

Trust is often thought of as something we give to others, but at its core, it’s also about trusting ourselves to face reality. When boundaries are unclear or difficult to enforce, people may ignore behaviors that feel uncomfortable or explain them away. This isn’t a failure, it’s often a way of protecting the relationship or avoiding painful truths.

But over time, avoiding reality can lead to feeling blindsided. Rebuilding trust, then, isn’t just about finding a trustworthy partner—it’s about strengthening your ability to:

In this sense, trust and boundaries are deeply connected.

Finding the Right Therapeutic Support

One of the most valuable insights about therapy comes from recognizing when treatment isn’t the right fit: “Ideally, we want to feel we’re seeing (and paying) someone who truly ‘gets’ how painful our challenges are (and why, within the context of our life histories), and who offers feedback or options that feel attuned to who we are and what we need at any given phase.”

Research supports several therapy approaches for rebuilding trust, but what matters most to many people is finding a therapist who helps them make sense of their specific experiences—especially around betrayal, boundaries, and self-trust.

Questions to ask yourself about therapy:

“A good therapist will be open to all sorts of feedback, so ask yourself these questions and please do voice your concerns with whomever you’re seeing.”

Building Trust in Relationships: Evidence-Based Approaches

Therapeutic Interventions

Couple therapy research shows that all family members benefit from trustworthy relationships, which result from (a) acknowledging the contributions of deserving family members, (b) engaging in responsible interactions, and (c) ensuring a fair distribution of relational burdens and benefits.

Attachment-Based Interventions:

Interventions that enhance interpersonal trust—perhaps through modeling trustworthy relationships or cognitive restructuring—could mitigate the impact of emotional alienation with parents on relational avoidance. Programs in college counseling or family therapy could include trust-building exercises to help young adults become more open and secure in romantic relationships.

Trauma-Informed Approaches:

Couples Therapy Approaches:

Building Trust Gradually: Practical Steps

For Individuals:

For Partners of Trust-Challenged Individuals:

“This really is impossible to do on your own… keep looking until you find the support that your heart and gut tell you is right.”

When to Seek Professional Help

To meet the criteria for PTSD, a person must have symptoms for longer than 1 month, and the symptoms must be severe enough to interfere with aspects of daily life, such as relationships or work. It is important for people with PTSD symptoms to work with a mental health professional who has experience treating PTSD.

Seek professional help if:

Crisis Resources:

Hope for Healing

“You have the courage to reach out and seek help, and that’s a noble thing… I can assure you that you’re not alone; so many of the people who come to me for help are wrestling with the same challenges, wrought by actual abandonments that have shattered their emotional lives and made current relationships difficult, if not impossible.”

Trust is responsive to important events and activities occurring within the confines of the relationship. That is, the major issues and themes in focus at the given period of a relationship’s development might give insight into the contents by which people construct their trust for their partner.

This means that trust can be rebuilt, even after significant trauma. With the right support, therapeutic intervention, and gradual practice, people can learn to trust again—both others and themselves.

For many people, healing begins when the focus shifts from “Can I trust someone else?” to “Can I trust myself to handle whatever happens?”

“Take it one day at a time, one hour at a time (fear tends to get us way into the future), and keep looking until you find the support that your heart and gut tell you is right.”

References:

  1. Camanto, O. J., Campbell, L., Stanton, S. C. E., & Others. (2025). Trust in close relationships revisited. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 42(9), 2516–2544. https://doi.org/10.1177/02654075251346105
  2. Daneshpour, M. (2025). Couples therapy and the challenges of building trust, fairness, and justice. Family Process, 64(3), 1–19. https://doi.org/10.1111/famp.12234
  3. Eisma, M. C., de Lang, T. A., Christodoulou, K., Schmitt, L. O., Boelen, P. A., & de Jong, P. J. (2025). Prolonged grief symptoms and lingering attachment predict approach behavior toward the deceased. Journal of Traumatic Stress, 38, 284–295.
  4. Goveas, J. S., & O’Connor, M. F. (2024). Prolonged grief disorder: Unveiling neurobiological mechanisms for a shared path forward. American Journal of Geriatric Psychiatry, 32(5), 535–538.
  5. Krabbendam, L., Sijtsma, H., Crone, E. A., & van Buuren, M. (2024). Trust in adolescence: Development, mechanisms and future directions. Developmental Cognitive Neuroscience, 69, 101426.
  6. National Institute of Mental Health. (2024). Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/post-traumatic-stress-disorder-ptsd
  7. National Institute of Mental Health. (2024). Coping with traumatic events. U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/coping-with-traumatic-events
  8. Papola, D., Miguel, C., Mazzaglia, M., Franco, P., Tedeschi, F., Romero, S. A., et al. (2024). Psychotherapies for generalized anxiety disorder in adults: A systematic review and network meta-analysis of randomized clinical trials. JAMA Psychiatry, 81, 250–259.
  9. Richmond, J., Anderson, A., Cunningham-Erves, J., Ozawa, S., & Wilkins, C. H. (2024). Conceptualizing and measuring trust, mistrust, and distrust: Implications for health equity and building trustworthiness. Annual Review of Public Health, 45(1), 465–484.
  10. Shanoora, A., Halimatusaadia, H., Mohd Abdullah, H., & Mohd Khir, A. (2025). Parent-child attachment and romantic relationship: Is there a relationship between parent-child attachment and young adults’ romantic relationships? The Maldives National Journal of Research, 11, 117–135.
  11. Smith, J. A., Johnson, B. C., & Williams, K. L. (2024). Childhood trauma and attachment styles as predictors of marital satisfaction: A psychosocial perspective from Türkiye. SDGs Review, 5, e06802.
  12. StatPearls. (2025). Grief and prolonged grief disorder. National Center for Biotechnology Information. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK507832/

couple laying on bed making heart shape with handsMany couples with whom I work continue to return (or call back if they’re in distance therapy). They find it’s helpful to have regular “tune-ups” even after we have repaired and healed their relationships to move past whatever hang-ups or problems inspired them to contact me in the first place.

In these ongoing conversations, I get to learn about many ways that loving couples heighten sexual intimacy and strengthen their relationship by creating fun and pleasure. I continue to notice that couples who have a happy sex life view lovemaking as an expression of intimacy, but they don’t take any differences in their needs or desires personally. They enjoy a relaxed and accepting view of sexual pleasure.

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Fantasy is an important aspect of creative intimacy. Believe me when I tell you that your sex life will be greatly enhanced if you feel safe enough to share your sexual fantasies with your partner—and perhaps even explore them with one another. Does your partner know about what really turns you on? Can you imagine telling him or her about it?

Fantasy is the base of variety, imagination, and adventure for most of us when we experience sexual pleasure, either alone or with a partner. But relatively few couples seem to be able to trust their loved one with their fantasies and then find some way of “acting them out” together. When we share these secret places in our minds, the result can be great romance and excitement that swoops us out of the monotony that can ensue when we are mating in domesticity.

I encourage couples to cultivate the idea that within the safe boundaries of their relationship, all wishes, images, fantasies, and desires are acceptable and welcome. Nothing is intrinsically wrong or disgusting. We can decline a partner’s request, but we don’t judge or disparage him or her for it.

Describing and sharing a fantasy requires a great deal of courage, so receive your partner’s secret longings with tenderness and compassionate curiosity. One couple recently shared about their bedroom “treasure chest” that includes sartorial regalia honoring each of their delights and predilections. The contents include police and nurse uniforms, a cheerleader outfit, and several pirate costumes—sort of a Caribbean theme!

“It’s really a helluva lot of fun,” one person laughed. “I don’t even begin to understand some of my desires or fantasies, and I have no idea why Johnny Depp got me so turned on in Pirates of the Caribbean! But my sweetie doesn’t care—they just consider it play and we have a ball!”

Most of us base our expectations about sex on informal and unreliable sources, usually friends we had as adolescents. And this “information” is usually based on fantasy.

Ignorance often leads to people judging themselves harshly and comparing their performance to the actors who appear in their favorite fantasy. I often hear people lament that they are “just no good in bed.” An obvious example is the guy who believes he always has to be able to produce an erection whenever the situation requires it. When it doesn’t happen, self-doubt and genuine fear often result.

Years ago an author named Nancy Friday interviewed thousands of women about their sexual fantasies—one of her books that I really enjoyed is My Secret Garden: Women’s Sexual Fantasies. Those of us who are female are usually (not always!) less visual and therefore more inclined to enjoy reading erotica, while men tend gravitate toward video/online stimulation. Consider watching with your partner, discussing what’s exciting and what isn’t.

Talk about your fantasies with your partner. He or she might be surprised and/or delighted. I guarantee you will grow in intimacy as you trust one another with your deepest desires. Let go of any attachment you might have to a particular outcome, such as orgasm.

The results can be downright entertaining, and you’ll learn a great deal about one another. Just don’t take things too seriously. You’ll laugh together at the very least, and that’s one of the best aphrodisiacs!

Important Notice

GoodTherapy is not intended to be a substitute for professional advice, diagnosis, medical treatment, or therapy. Always seek the advice of your physician or qualified mental health provider with any questions you may have regarding any mental health symptom or medical condition. Never disregard professional psychological or medical advice nor delay in seeking professional advice or treatment because of something you have read on GoodTherapy.