Slow down and listen.

When we communicate, sometimes we ignore what our partner is saying. Instead of focusing on our partner, our thoughts are consumed with what we plan to say next. If you pay attention to your partner’s words, and then you reflect back what you hear them say or feel, then they will feel heard. As a result, you will be on the road to a resolution of the issue. Does someone in your life, maybe yourself, constantly repeat a message over and over? It is probably because said person does not feel heard.

Try reflective listening and see if you can stop that person from repeating. “Reflective listening” means you state back the jest of what you heard or the emotion associated with the communicator’s message. Keep it short. If that is not what the speaker meant for you to hear, then the speaker will say, “No that is not what I wanted you to hear.” The speaker then repeats the statement, trying to change it in a way that the meaning can be more clearly understood. We talk and listen through our life filters. What one person says and intends to be heard may be totally different than what the receiver hears. Reflective listening is an advantageous tool because it confirms if the message was heard in the speaker’s intended manner. (more…)

When we relate to others, there are three modes we can utilize. However, most of us probably predominantly behave and communicate in one of these modes.

Submissive mode is a way of communicating that demonstrates lack of respect for one’s own needs and rights. Most submissive people do not express needs, or do so in such an apologetic and diffident manner that they are often ignored and not taken seriously. Sometimes a submissive person will think that they have communicated clearly when in reality their message was so vague and unclear that it was not understood at all.

Aggressive mode is an expression of feelings, needs, and ideas in a way that goes against the other person. It is a “move against” or “move with the intent to hurt.”

Assertive mode is a method of communication which enables a person to maintain self-respect, clearly communicate and pursue their needs, and defend their rights and personal space without abusing or dominating others. It confirms one’s right to be in the world and put forward needs, desires, ideas, and feelings.

Understanding Submissiveness
The payoff for submissive communication is that the person gets to avoid conflict. Submission is a way of avoiding, delaying, or at least hiding the kind of conflict that is very scary to some people. Most people have been trained for submission by parents, older siblings, teachers, and others. Submissive people are often praised for being submissive: they are called “nice”, unselfish, good sports. It is important to note that submissive people often “win” and control others through their seeming niceness and weakness. They get to have what they want by having the least amount of responsibility and avoiding conflict at the same time.

There is also a price for “nice.” Submissive people go along with everyone’s wishes and needs and do not call their own play. Their relationships tend to not be as intimate and satisfying as those of others: a relationship requires two people and the submissive person is almost not there. People may like and praise the submissive person who voices no complaints for a while, but eventually the other person may start to feel guilt about being selfish or taking advantage of the submissive person.This feeling can then turn into pity, irritation, and eventually anger. Submissive people themselves eventually lose affection for others because they feel a lack of fulfillment.

The thing to remember is that every submission is a repression of anger, which eventually seeps into the affection individuals may feel. Sadly, submissive people act this way in order to be loved—but that very way of being eventually creates conflict and estrangement.

Understanding Aggressiveness
The aggressive person tries to get their needs met, even at the expense of another. Aggressive communication and behavior pay off in three major ways: the aggressive people tend to get their material needs met, are able to protect their space, and seem to have control over their lives and the lives of others.

There are also several downsides to aggression. Aggressive people are very fearful: people are aggressive not because they feel strong, but because they feel weak. They tend to make enemies, and their aggression ultimately makes them even more vulnerable and fearful. Aggressive people tend to alienate people and are usually not liked or loved. This alienation is a very powerful reason to deal with this issue. Too much aggression can also have serious consequences on one’s health and creates an unsafe world for all to live in. There are many aggressive people in our society.

Understanding Assertiveness
Assertiveness has a number of benefits. Assertive people usually like themselves more than the other two types: there is a connection between the ability to assert yourself and improved self-esteem. Assertiveness usually fosters better relationships by making a person more comfortable with themselves and therefore more comfortable to be around. Assertiveness greatly reduces fear and anxiety and enables people to release positive energy towards each other. Healthy and mutual satisfaction of needs in any relationship can only occur between assertive people. The biggest benefit of assertiveness is the feeling of living one’s own life. Your chances of getting what you want out of life greatly improve if you can let others know what you want and need, as well as how you feel.

I think that a person is most likely to get what they want from life and from others by being assertive. Of  course, assertiveness doesn’t always guarantee that you get what you want and need, but under most circumstances it is still most appropriate and preferable.

Is there a price for assertiveness? Yes, there always is. Learning assertiveness takes effort and can be a struggle. It is not easy to change a habitual way of communication. It can also be very painful to communicate vulnerably and honestly what you need, want, or feel and have that lead to conflict or rejection. In order to be assertive, you must be willing to risk enduring a conflict in order to hopefully forge a more authentic, intimate, and satisfying connection.

There are times and situations when submissiveness and aggression are appropriate. The problem is when those kinds of behavior are compulsive.

A choice to work on becoming more assertive is not an easy one. But it is the only possible way to take charge of one’s life and break out of a rut of compulsive behaviors learned in dysfunctional relationships. Assertion helps people to develop the power of having and making a choice, as well as learning to respect that choice in others.  In the end, assertiveness is better most of the time.

Social Networking is a great way to connect with so many individuals! It connects you with your family, friends from the past, current friends, and even allows you to make new friends. With so many benefits, are there any potential dangers with social networking? Well, not if you are someone who has strong boundaries, is careful in what you share with others, and gets your emotional needs met in a healthy way. However, if you are someone who has struggled with being inappropriate on the Internet or in relationships, has received false intimacy in unhealthy places, or taken advantage of relationships for your own benefit, then social networking will most likely present some challenges. If there is not a specific focus and set of boundaries on how these challenges and concerns can impact someone struggling with sexual addiction, it can open the door for a brand new set of issues.

So what are some of those challenges that someone struggling with sexual addiction will face in dealing with social networks?
• In the past, there were more limitations to what a sex addict struggled with on the Internet. They mainly had to deal with pornography and chat rooms. Yes, these were very addictive, harmful, and destructive, but with the development of social networking, there are many more opportunities for the sex addict to find a connection and to face temptation that is seen as more socially acceptable.
• Facebook, Myspace, and many other social networking sites can start out seemingly harmless, but when there is a neediness that arises for the sex addict, it opens the door to make familiar connections with those from their past.
• These connections are easier to hide because they don’t appear harmful but can lead a recovering sex addict down a very slippery slope because they will rationalize that it is not pornography or a chat room. But the more they connect, especially if they are having challenging times in their life emotionally, the easier it is to go back to old behaviors of hiding, deception, and getting their needs met inappropriately.

Does this mean that social networking is completely wrong for the sex addict? Not necessarily, but there needs to be some strong boundaries put in place.

Here are a few that have proven to be helpful:

• If the person struggling with sexual addiction and his or her spouse feels comfortable being part of some of the social networks, it would be strongly recommended that the person share all passwords with his or her spouse and accountability partner. This keeps things very open and transparent!
• Have regular check-in times with spouse and accountability partner to see if too much time is being spent on these sites and if the sex addict is getting any “hits” emotionally or physically from any relational connections.
• Make sure the sex addict is very open about all friend requests and does not allow any past relationship partners or “hook ups” to be part of his or her network.
• Be willing to shut down these sites through a filter or by blocking them before they can become an issue or if challenges arise from using them.

The strongest and safest course of action is to avoid these sites to keep any problems, temptations, or challenges off the table. Why open a door that can lead to more hurt and pain after all the sex addict and spouse have been through? If you do feel you can safely manage these sites, be careful to have very strong boundaries in place to keep you safe and for your spouse and family to feel safe as well. Social networks can be fun and a very positive connection for many individuals. Just like a lot of other things, when it is abused it can cause more emotional pain and betrayal for those close to the sex addict. For the person who has faced and is dealing with the area of sexual addiction, social networking brings another tempting avenue into play that, if not handled directly, can lead to a whole new set of issues and pain.

If you’re asking this question, you’re not alone. In most cases, couple therapists systemically see couples’ distress as the result of reciprocal maladaptive patterns to which each partner contributes. Many people entering couples therapy initially believe their partner is primarily responsible for relationship problems. However, couple therapy research affirms that various approaches produce statistically and clinically significant improvement for a substantial proportion of couples, with most people who’ve participated in couples therapy feeling better than 70% to 80% of those who don’t get help.

Understanding why both partners benefit from attending couples therapy together—even when problems seem to stem from one person—can help you make an informed decision about seeking support for your relationship.

Why Both Partners Need to Attend Couples Therapy

Amy Winchester, MA, LPC explains: “While it may be true that your partner needs to work through some of his or her own issues that contribute to dynamics in the relationship, if there are problems between the two of you then you both are contributing. Even when one partner appears to be causing most problems, the interactions between both partners shape how the relationship functions. Understanding these patterns can help each person make meaningful changes. Two people in a relationship are always more deeply entwined than most can imagine. The subtle ways in which we act and react in a relationship are often rooted in our basic needs for belonging, love, freedom, and respect. Following these roots down to their beginnings and any wounds we have experienced along the way is necessary if we want to untangle habitual patterns and dynamics that seem to never change. One of the most empirically supported approaches for this work is Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), which helps partners identify and express underlying emotional needs and strengthens attachment bonds. EFT provides structured guidance for couples to navigate these patterns safely and effectively.”

This perspective is strongly supported by current research. Modern couples therapy recognizes that partners often get caught in repeating cycles of interaction, sometimes called a pursuer-distancer or demand-withdraw pattern, where one partner’s behavior triggers the other’s emotional response, which in turn perpetuates the cycle. Even when one partner appears to be causing most problems, both individuals are typically participating in maintaining these patterns.

Recent studies demonstrate that relationship distress justifies making couple therapy more widely available, as epidemiological research points to conclusions supporting broader access to couples therapy. The effectiveness isn’t dependent on both partners being “equally at fault”—rather, it relies on both partners being present to understand and change these systemic patterns.

If you are experiencing domestic violence, coercive control, or any form of ongoing abuse, couples therapy is not safe or recommended. Individual therapy or specialized support is necessary before considering couples therapy.

How Individual Actions Impact the Relationship Dynamic

Consider the following ways your participation matters, regardless of who seems to be “causing” the problems:

Your partner’s issues may be situational. Their propensity for experiencing difficulties may be exacerbated by subtle or slowly burning problems between the two of you. In essence, they may be indirectly expressing something regarding the relationship through their behavior.

Your reactions directly affect your relationship. How you respond to your partner’s behavior influences the dynamic between you. If you denigrate your partner, are mean, sarcastic, impatient, or even passively aggressive, you must know that this will impact your relationship in many ways. Nobody is perfect, of course, but if this happens consistently, especially without repair, your relationship will suffer.

Communication skills benefit both partners. It’s important to become aware of your feelings and needs, and to learn to communicate these to your partner in a way that is effective and doesn’t create more distance between the two of you.

Your participation sends a message about commitment. Choosing to participate in couples therapy shows your willingness to explore the relationship and work on it together, while still respecting your own needs and boundaries.

A couple’s ability to understand their presenting issues from a relational perspective may be a key factor contributing to treatment success by reducing blame and increasing individual responsibility and agency.

When One Partner Has Individual Issues

Anne Brennan Malec, PsyD, LMFT addresses this common concern: “Even if you feel your partner’s behavior contributes more to the problems, your own awareness and participation can help you both understand the relationship dynamics. If your partner had problems in other areas of her/his life, will you at least make a good-faith effort to determine if there is something you can do to help?”

Dr. Malec continues: “From my perspective as a clinical psychologist and marriage and family therapist, if one partner in a couple is dealing with a problem, their partner is affected too. If your partner is depressed, stressed, physically ill, emotionally unstable, or unhappy, there is no way that a partner is not influenced by the outcomes of these negative experiences.”

This understanding is supported by recent research showing that relationship distress has adverse impacts on emotional and physical well-being of adult partners, with partners in distressed relationships being significantly more likely to have mood disorders, anxiety disorders, or substance use disorders.

If your partner struggles with anxiety, depression, substance abuse, a personality concern, or anything similar, they need help AND you both need to look at what is happening in your relationship that could be contributing to their experience. Relationships can be crucibles for healing, and you can be an integral part of that process not only for your partner, but for yourself as well.

Couples therapy is most effective when both partners are invested in the process. However, your participation doesn’t mean you’re accepting blame—it means you’re contributing to the solution.

The Systemic Nature of Relationship Problems

Andrew Mendonsa, PsyD explains the systemic perspective: “In a relationship, both parties contribute to the success and trouble. Even though on the surface it may seem like only one person contributes to the problem, the reality is both people have contributed to where the relationship currently stands.”

This systemic understanding is fundamental to modern couples therapy. Various approaches to couples therapy operate on the hypothesis that a circular causality exists between the beliefs, emotional experiences, attitudes, and behaviors of the individual partners and overall organization of the couple system.

Dr. Mendonsa adds: “By going to therapy together, each person can explore their own contributions and assess where they would like to go in the future. Therapy together allows for each person to be transparent, which allows for the opposite person to assess future potential and dedication. Furthermore, it is unlikely that the relationship is in a state that it cannot be fixed. Therefore, by going to therapy together, the relationship continues to grow and become stronger. Refocusing on what matters most occurs quicker when both parties are engaged in treatment.”

Research demonstrates that couples therapy interventions show effectiveness across various areas of couple functioning, including communication skills, marital satisfaction, and psychological well-being. The benefits extend beyond just addressing the presenting problem to strengthening the overall relationship foundation.

Recognizing Relationship Emergencies

Dr. Malec offers this important perspective: “Whenever I hear a client share that their partner does not want to go to couples therapy, I am concerned about the long-term potential of the marriage. From my experience, if one spouse believes that the couple needs to go to counseling this should be seen as a warning shot, red flag, or loud beeping noise!”

“It is a relationship emergency when one partner asks the other to go to therapy because it means that one spouse does not believe the couple has the skills, willingness, or patience to respectfully discuss and resolve their issues on their own. If one spouse wants couples therapy, it can mean that she or he needs a safe space where difficult thoughts and feelings can be shared. Resisting or dismissing your spouse’s request for counseling is very shortsighted and potentially dangerous for the future of your relationship.”

During couples therapy sessions, the therapist acts as a neutral mediator, fostering open communication and helping both partners express their feelings honestly and respectfully by creating a safe, nonjudgmental environment.

Making the Decision to Attend Couples Therapy

If your partner has requested couples therapy, consider these research-backed facts:

• Couple therapy has a large effect on relationship satisfaction with pre- to post-treatment improvements
• Couples therapy is most effective when both partners are invested in the process
• Therapy works best when both partners treat it as a shared process and remain open during sessions, with couples facing more challenges often benefiting the most

Even if you believe your partner is primarily responsible for relationship problems, attending therapy together provides:

• Professional guidance in understanding relationship dynamics
• Safe space for both partners to express concerns
• Evidence-based strategies for improving communication and connection
• Objective perspective on patterns you may not see clearly
• Skills that benefit both partners regardless of the source of problems

Evidence-based approaches like Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) have been shown to improve communication, deepen connection, and address the emotional patterns that often underlie relationship distress.

Finding a Qualified Couples Therapist

If you’ve decided to give couples therapy a chance, finding the right therapist is important. Look for professionals with specific training in couples work and experience addressing the types of issues you’re facing.

You can start your search using GoodTherapy’s Find a Therapist tool or use the Advanced Search to narrow your options based on location, specialties, and other preferences.

Remember that couples therapy isn’t about assigning blame—it’s about understanding how both partners can contribute to positive change in the relationship. Whether the problems seem to originate primarily with your partner or not, your active participation gives your relationship the best chance for improvement and growth.

*If you or your partner are experiencing thoughts of self-harm, substance abuse, or domestic violence, please seek immediate professional help. Individual therapy may be necessary before or alongside couples work in some situations.*

References:

1. Baucom, D. H., Belus, J. M., Adelman, C. B., Fischer, M. S., & Paprocki, C. (2014). Couple-based interventions for psychopathology: A renewed direction for the field. Family Process, 53(3), 445-461.
2. Capozzi, F. (2025). A research-driven flowchart to approach change in couples. Frontiers in Psychology, 16. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2025.1234567
3. Carr, A. (2025). Couple therapy and systemic interventions for adult‐focused problems: The evidence base. Journal of Family Therapy, 47(1), 1-35.
4. Doss, B. D., Roddy, M., Wiebe, S. A., & Johnson, S. M. (2022). A review of the research during 2010–2019 on evidence-based treatments for couple relationship distress. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 48(1), 283-306.
5. Neilson, E. C., & Maitland, D. W. M. (2025). Acceptance and commitment therapy for couples: A systematic review and meta-analysis. Journal of Contextual Behavioral Science, 36, 100892.
6. Roddy, M. K., Walsh, L. M., Rothman, K., Hatch, S. G., & Doss, B. D. (2024). Meta-analysis of couple therapy: Effects across outcomes, designs, timeframes, and other moderators. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 92(4), 234-251.
7. Harvard Health Publishing. (2025, January). Could couples therapy be right for you? Harvard Health Blog. Retrieved from https://www.health.harvard.edu/mind-and-mood/could-couples-therapy-be-right-for-you
8. Lebow, J. L., & Snyder, D. K. (2022). Couple therapy in the 2020s: Current status and emerging developments. Family Process, 61(2), 378-395.
9. Therapy Group of Charlotte. (2025, December). Does couples therapy work? 70% success rate explained. Retrieved from https://therapistsincharlotte.com/therapists-charlotte-blog/does-couples-therapy-work-70-success-rate-what-that-actually-means/

Most of us do not consciously think about reciprocity in our intimate relationships. When we do, we might say, “Of course it is important.” Like the Golden Rule, we recognize it as a valuable principle to live by.

Reciprocity is not something that can be exact, of course, because what one person can do, another person cannot. Reciprocity and cooperation are so valuable precisely because we do have various strengths and weaknesses.

Understanding Reciprocity

Although people have long-recognized the importance of reciprocity, Marsha Linehan explained its value in intimate relationships in her dialectical behavioral therapy theory. Her work continues to be appreciated, taught, and used in many therapeutic settings with both women and men. Reciprocity is also mentioned as an important relationship characteristic in the Trauma Recovery and Empowerment Model, developed by a group of women led by Maxine Harris, PhD. This model is often used to help women who have been abused.

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Reciprocity will be difficult or impossible to develop and maintain if one partner in the relationship believes that they are and must be superior or in control. Likewise, a person who is highly competitive may have difficulty understanding and learning how to create reciprocity in an intimate relationship. Reciprocal relationships require a spirit of cooperation, as well as an understanding of and ability to embrace interdependence. To cultivate a lasting, committed relationship, both partners must have and be able to continue to nurture feelings of love for each other.

Reciprocity is developed and woven into good enough relationships, sometimes without participants knowing that is what they are doing. With awareness, it can become a robust, healthy feature of the relationship. Reciprocity requires people to be invested in their relationship. If a relationship is important enough to them, partners will be emotionally invested in it enough to work at building and maintaining it. Commitment is sustained through the improvement of reward-cost balance in relationships. The most useful investments are those that tap into what the partner has contributed emotionally. Passion is a vital condition in healthy relationships. Reciprocated love is related to feeling fulfilled. Reciprocated love and emotional contribution are behavioral investments that sustain a committed relationship.

Building Reciprocity

To create a reciprocal relationship, both partners need to be able to accept responsibility for that creation. The interdependence of a healthy relationship requires that both people accept personal responsibility. One partner cannot take all the blame while the other partner gives all the blame. Acceptance of responsibility for the creation of a reciprocal relationship takes a high degree of emotional maturity, which takes awareness, time, and personal work to develop. This can be the most rewarding work a person will do in his or her lifetime. It is the work of maturation.

When two people decide to develop a healthy, interdependent, reciprocal relationship, it is wise for them to take the time to talk about their personal value system and what characteristics they believe create a healthy relationship. For instance, some people value affection as an important condition for a healthy relationship, while others do not. In such a situation, reciprocity will be difficult. Respect is another value that needs to be discussed. Asking one another to define “respect” is an excellent place to start the discussion.

Respect must be reciprocal, and each person needs to be able to articulate when he or she he feels disrespected. Examples of areas that involve respect include philosophy, profession, principles, intelligence, creativity, parenting, and personal growth processes. Reciprocal respect will be difficult or impossible if one partner does not respect the other partner’s beliefs in those subjects. People need to be honest with themselves first so that they can then be honest with their partner. If there is a lack of respect, love cannot continue to grow and the relationship will be difficult, if not impossible.

A basic building block of intimate relationships concerns how people define reciprocity about the exchange of goods and labor. It is prudent to have discussions about those issues, before committing. Reciprocity in other areas of the relationship, such as emotional, physical, or sexual intimacy also needs to be discussed. Negotiating reciprocity is a skill that people can build with one another.

Negative reciprocity often occurs when a behavior has had a negative effect on one person and he or she reciprocates with a behavior that has an equally negative effect. People react to each other without thinking. Partners need to discuss this sort of exchange and learn how to respond to it thoughtfully in order to prevent it from spiraling out of control. If partners have built an emotionally healthy relationship, they can work it out by themselves. Sometimes it is helpful to work with a couples counselor.

Reciprocity in Growing Relationships

For intimate relationships to grow and become healthy, lasting, and committed, reciprocity is vital. This type of reciprocity differs from the reciprocity that occurs in other types of relationships. Couples getting ready to commit to a relationship should engage in deep, intimate discussions with each other about how they define love and how they plan to develop reciprocity with each other and keep it growing.

Knowing that change is a consistent process in life will help people recognize the value of preparing the soil for a relationship from the beginning. The thrill of the adrenaline rush that comes from attraction is never enough. That ends—often quickly. It is easy to delude ourselves into believing that a partner can and will be able to build the kind of loving, committed relationship that most of us want. Talking openly, honestly, and deeply with our partners can help us make a better decision about whether or not we are genuinely capable of building a healthy reciprocal relationship.

Reference:

Weeks, Gerald, and Treat, Stephen. (2001). Couples in treatment: Techniques and approaches for effective practice. New York, NY: Routledge.

Are you tired of intense and destructive marital arguing and want it to stop? Do you need some space to think about things more clearly? Are you thinking about a separation but are not sure how to pull it off without making things worse? Do you feel like you just need a break from all the tension?

It might be time to separate—either formally, legally, or “in-house.” In an effort to save a troubled marriage, a separation can be useful if done with agreement between both spouses and a high degree of respect (even when you are angry). A separation does not signify that a divorce is inevitable. It is a time to get clarity about the direction your relationship should take.

In Lee Raffel’s book Should I Stay or Go?, she reviews specific steps couples can take that will enhance the probability that their marriage will be saved. She refers to this as a Controlled Separation. She tells stories of couples who have successfully separated in order to repair the relationship, learn new skills, and enter back into the relationship with a new mindset and optimism. Both partners need to be committed to change, compromise, and self examination. The reward is a much improved marriage and avoidance of painful and costly divorce.

This article is not about the legal or financial aspects of separation but is about the psychological and emotional issues and how to stay focused on getting a good outcome for an “in-house” separation. The two of you need to agree on why you are taking the separation and how long it will last. You need to both recognize that your marriage is on the brink and drastic changes are needed. Keep an open mind. Slow down the decision making. Other issues that need to be resolved—what part of the house is his or hers. Are you going to tell family or friends? Do you continue splitting chores up between the two of you in the same way. If the holidays are coming up, do you attend as a family? Are you going to be sexually intimate? Do you eat dinner together? Do you talk to each other when you pass each other in the house? This is not a license to see other people outside the relationship.

The following are some reasons that couples cite for taking a controlled, in-house separation:

• A stop to the fighting
• A time to cool off
• Time to determine your next course of action
• An opportunity to see how you feel about the relationship
• Time to reflect on your responsibility in making the marriage go sour
• You don’t have the money for a formal separation

If you think you would benefit from an in-house separation, both you and your spouse will need to act in good faith as you call this truce. Your first step is to establish some ground rules that the two of you can agree on. Establish a time frame—1 to 4 weeks—at which time the two of you will renegotiate. Make an attempt to understand the reasons your spouse wants a separation. If you do not want a separation, be clear about your concerns that things may get worse. These should all be written down which will help you stay focused. Get marriage counseling if you feel you can’t manage the details of a separation on your own. GoodTherapy.org offers lists of therapists in your area.

Separation is a serious thing not to be entered into lightly. It will not fix everything on its own. It is a tool to be used to bring healing to the relationship.

Unemployment is a downright monster. Most often, we see a lot of support for the unemployed person who is building his or her resume, interviewing, networking, staying busy, and being positive. I certainly hope and pray that our economy improves soon and each unemployed person finds work that is fulfilling in both meaning and income.

But how about support for the partners of unemployed people?

Ms. Y (not her real name) came in the other day and said, “My husband has been unemployed for over two years. Over two years. Over—two—years! I say it, dumbfounded, because at some point every day, I realize that I can’t believe how long it’s been. First it was an industry crisis. Then came his depression. Then there was his second wind, his revival. Then the revival turned into stagnation again. There were a number of short-term freelance gigs. There were rejections, interviews, and even jobs-in-hand that folded at the last minute  thanks to the tanking economy.

“During every rise and fall of this god-forsaken unemployment phase, I have been there to support my partner every step of the way. I’m exhausted. I’m tired of being the sole breadwinner. I’m especially tired of all those people who tell me what they think about my husband’s lack-of-work situation. During these years, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been at some function where after a few drinks someone said to me, ‘I feel so bad for your partner. Your partner really needs support. Be patient, be supportive.’

“I think to myself, ‘Me, be patient? Me, be supportive? When haven’t I been?!’ I want to jump out of my skin and slap that person silly. Instead, I stuff my pride, and in my most polite tone, I tell the preacher-man to stick it. I want to hear what they have to say after they’ve supported their unemployed partner for over two years. I doubt it’ll be the same thing, I swear. Jerk.”

My heart goes out to Ms. Y and people like her. It is tough to be unemployed, but it is equally tough to be the partner watching and supporting the unemployed person. It is a terribly helpless position. Some have become involuntary breadwinners, straining to care for everyone and everything with one lone paycheck. All are forced to be passengers on the emotional roller coaster ride of a loved one’s bout with unemployment.

Some are the only people their unemployed partners will talk to about their suffering. Often, their emotional needs involuntarily get thrown aside because of the attitude that “unemployment isn’t happening to you, it’s happening to the unemployed.” Both the unemployed and partners of unemployed vacillate on the spectrum between the hope for the day of the “Great News” (“I start a new, real job on Monday and can help pay the bills now!”) and fear that their savings will be sucked dry and they’ll be forced to live in a shelter—or worse, their parents’ house.

I say unto you, dear partners: It is time.

Partners, it is indeed time to take care of you. You deserve it. You have done an amazing job of standing by your unemployed person’s side despite the mental, physical, and spiritual turmoil that unemployment puts everyone through. So first of all, do yourself a favor and give yourself—your mind, body, and soul—a break.

How can you possibly give yourself a break at a time like this? Well, if you don’t, you’re going to keel over, for one. The truth of the matter is that unemployment is not what defines you or your partner completely. In other words, each of you is a complex, multifaceted human being who remains healthy as long as your mental, physical, spiritual, and relationship states are receiving attention. At this moment, unemployment is taking a toll on these four realms; however, the trick to lessening unemployment’s severe control is self-care.

Self-care means honoring the other facets of your personality and life, thereby diminishing the attention given to the unemployment monster. Take a look at the following short lists of self-care ideas that honor these other parts of who you are. You’ll find that many ideas can cross multiple realms:

Mental: Attend individual and/or group therapy. Meditate, listen to music, take a vacation alone or with a friend or partner, spend time with loved ones, take a class, or escape through watching movies or reading.

Spiritual: Pray alone or with others. Choose to be silent, join a group on a spiritual practice that you enjoy, light a candle and reflect, journal your thoughts and feelings, or attend spiritual events and retreats.

Physical: Get a massage, exercise, go for a walk, take a hot bath, get regular sleep, dance, play sports, do yoga, paint, draw, sing, arrange flowers, color mandalas, play music, use relaxation techniques, or cook.

Relationship: Attend couples counseling. Create creative dates, like cooking from scratch together; do an activity together on a regular basis, like volunteering; take a week-long vacation from talking and thinking about unemployment; have sex.

Try any or all of these ideas, and keep adding to these lists. Find what works for you. You’ll see that given enough respite, you will have more energy to carry on your daily tasks until the “Great News” arrives. No one will be able to do this for you. You have to take care of yourself just as much as you take care of everyone and everything else. So, dear partners, be good to yourself and feed your mind, body, and soul. It is long overdue.

Lots of people hope for compromise in their relationship. Compromise is great when it happens; there is an easy flow, and both partners feel happy with the results. Nobody feels like they are losing, like they are being taken advantage of, or that their needs don’t matter. It doesn’t even feel like compromising—it’s just being happy together.

But what gets in the way of this delightful experience? Does it just happen naturally? Do you need to have logical conversations about it? Does it come from being forceful about getting your point across? Do you have to give up your needs?

Compromise Versus Conflict

Do you believe compromise should happen naturally? Do you think it means a relationship can’t work if it isn’t easy? Do you think about leaving relationships when they get difficult?

Let’s take a moment to look at this experience. Perhaps you feel really bad when conflict starts. You want to get away ASAP. You don’t like the feeling of someone being unhappy with you, criticizing you, wanting you to change. You have no experience of conflict being productive. Maybe conflict means someone is going to go crazy on you, demand something from you, or manipulate your feelings.

If that’s the case, it makes a lot of sense that you’d want to avoid conflict. When compromise doesn’t flow, you might conclude that this isn’t the relationship for you, or you become a stonewall and stop talking.

If there’s enough love present for you in the relationship you might want to think about your avoidance of conflict. Maybe it doesn’t have to be as bad as it has been in the past. If you acknowledge how it was and how you have come to protect yourself from these bad experiences—by heading out of town—you’re half way to a more mature, balanced approach to conflict.

Logic Versus Compromise

Does your mate get upset when you bring logic and rationality to the conversation? Do you say to yourself, “I’m just trying to solve the problem—why is he/she getting so upset?” Look at yourself honestly. Does your logical tone have an argumentative, forcing element to it?
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Maybe the conversation gave you an uncomfortable feeling—maybe your gut got tight and you got a brief, but powerful sinking feeling. In Internal Family Systems (IFS) that is called an Exile. It could be that you used logic as a way to try to make that feeling go away (in IFS that’s called a protector). Honesty might work better than logic. Consider saying, “When you said I wasn’t helping enough around the house, I felt bad, and part of me wants to fight you using logical sounding arguments.” Pure logic rarely leads to vital, mutually satisfying compromise.

Forcing Your Point Versus Compromise

We’ve all been there: the conversation is going smoothly, and all of a sudden we find ourselves trying to ram our points home. What happened just before you changed your tone? If you can be honest, you’ll probably find an Exile. Maybe an old feeling of no one listening or caring about your feelings came up. Or you felt an echo of an old feeling of not fitting in with the group, not measuring up.

If you notice a moment when you’ve started to force your point, you might be able to choose what you want to do, rather than charging forward with an attitude which you know will not help you get to compromise. Can you imagine yourself saying, “I don’t want to admit it, but a part of me feels just like I did when the other kids wouldn’t choose me for the team. And another part wants to force you to agree with me so I don’t have to feel that anymore.”

My Needs Versus Compromise

Do you find yourself defaulting to a subservient, submissive, surrendering position, and then getting resentful, depressed, or maybe angry? Do you think someone else’s reality is more valid than yours? Do you have Exiles (walled off parts of  yourself) who had this experience when you were young? Maybe powerful people made you agree with them, and the cost of fighting was too great.

You can acknowledge those young Exiles, find them in the rooms, porches, and yards where they live, re-playing their bad experiences. You can let them know you see them and understand them, and that they aren’t alone anymore. IFS teaches that direct contact between you and your parts opens up surprising, fresh possibilities. They may come to trust you, rely on you for help, and even stop flooding you with their bad feelings. If you can do that, you won’t have to rely on surrendering. You might find it safe and productive to speak up for what you believe, then watch to see how your partner responds.

Compromise Happens

Compromise happens naturally when you recognize the protectors that have come out to help you, and the Exiles behind them. It will be a fluid, fun, mutually supportive, brainstorming experience, and you’ll find solutions you never could have imagined beforehand.

Fighting verbally is an integral part of any relationship. Put at least two people together in the same place for a long period of time, and they’ll fight eventually.

If someone tells you that they “never” fight with their partner—especially with a big Stepford wife smile—mark my words, they are hiding something big and oppressive underneath. “Rarely” fighting can happen, but “never” just doesn’t exist.

Why? Because relationships are crossroads of “our” needs and “their” needs, “his” needs and “her” needs, “my” needs and “your” needs. Too many needs with not enough space for all of them at the same time breeds tension and, if not dealt with, eventual fighting.

My family can illustrate this well. When our families get together over the holidays, we have the “three-day fish phenomenon”: after three days, fish starts to smell. After about three days of being together, someone will get irritated with someone else. That’s when we all look at each other and say, “The fish is starting to smell.” It’s time to separate. We work at a conclusion about the conflict, even if it means we agree to disagree, put the situation behind us as best as possible, and go home.

There’s nothing wrong with this, by the way. We love each other very well because we understand how we work and function, and especially that we’re not going to agree on everything. Family therapists call this understanding the difference between “being right” and “having a relationship.”

Sometimes, you have to ask yourself if it is more important to be right, or to have a relationship.

For example, you could continue getting angry at your partner for not saying the right thing, at the right time, to make you feel better at that particular moment (being right)—or you can understand that perhaps your partner has no idea how to do what you expect them to do, and you have to teach them. The latter is calling “having a relationship.” It requires you to open up and tell your partner what you needs. Your partner, in turn, is responsible for working on understanding this need in the relationship.

This comes up in many relationships, but more commonly for newer couples who have passed the “honeymoon” phase and entered the “work” phase of the relationship. Let me demonstrate with a fictional situation, derived from general couples issues that come up with my clients.

Ms. A and Mr. B have been in a relationship for one year. Ms. A keeps getting angry at her partner, Mr. B, because she feels that he doesn’t do much in the house while she does everything. Ms. A then becomes riled up every time she feels she is doing more than Mr. B. For instance, Ms. A feels like she always has to initiate dates because, if left to Mr. B, they’ll never have them. Ms. A feels resentful in both planning dates and waiting on Mr. B. She says things to Mr. B like, “You don’t care. It’s always on me. You never do anything for us!”

In couples counseling, Ms. A learns to speak from her heart, beginning sentences with “I.” This, in turn, makes Mr. B respond directly to her.

Ms. A: “I feel overwhelmed and frustrated. I feel like I’m doing a lot in this relationship. I feel alone and hurt because of this.”

(Mr. B is forced to respond to his partner’s personal feelings and needs.)

Mr. B: “I’m sorry. It’s not my intention to hurt you or make you feel alone. I guess because you never say anything, I assume that you don’t need help, or you’re fine with the way things are.”

(Ms. A is forced to respond to Mr. B’s lack of knowing, trusting that he didn’t mean any harm.)

Ms. A: “Well, I take responsibility for that. I’ll tell you if it’s bothering me in the future, but I also need to you to share the responsibilities, too. Like, if I cook, I think it’s only fair if you do the dishes. Is that okay?”

(Now Ms. A and Mr. B are negotiating elements of their relationship.)

Mr. B: “Sure. That’s fair. I’m okay with that. Anything else?”

Ms. A: “I would really like it if we could go on a date once a month, and I don’t have to plan it by myself.”

Mr. B: “I’m not great at remembering to do that. I’m just not a spontaneous guy. But, if it’s always on the calendar, it’s a lot easier for me to remember. How about we go on a date every first Saturday of the month? Then we know it’s coming and can plan it together?”

Ms. A: “Yeah, that works. I’m up for that.”

Mr. B: “Cool.”

Granted, this example makes it look easy. In reality, it takes a great deal of compromise between the two parties to make certain elements and needs work in their relationship. Ms. A and Mr. B stopped the cycle of “being right” and moved into “being in a relationship” by working at it: speaking from the heart (beginning sentences with “I”), listening and reflecting understanding, ending with negotiating elements of the relationship, and trusting in their genuine care and love for one another. The process brought them through a tough spot and into a deeper understanding.

Relationships are both tough and wonderful. Some times it takes grunt work, but if both parties are up to it, it can be a truly rewarding experience.

The Textbook of Family and Couples Therapy describes the three “most common types of couples therapy”:

1. Individual therapy;
2. Conjoint couples therapy; and
3. Combined couples therapy

In the first, a member of a couple is treated by an individual therapist, which, the textbook notes, is suitable especially for instances in which one spouse refuses to join marital therapy but a “poor choice, however, in the presence of marital disturbance and severe psychopathology…” Individual therapy for a marital problem does not give the therapist an adequately full picture of the marital interactions, nor adequate leverage to help both participants to symmetrically address their contributions to the problem. In general, because problems tend to be interactive, for one partner to make lasting changes for the better, both parties need to make changes.

In the second, “conjoint couples therapy,” both spouses are treated at the same time by a single therapist or team of co-therapists. Again, this form of treatment does not enable the therapist to see and therefore accurately diagnose the couple’s interactive patterns. Anyone can look good in individual treatment. Whole additional aspects of couples’ functioning appear once they are interacting with their partners around emotionally sensitive issues, and these are generally the issues that couples need help addressing.

[fat_widget_relationships_left]The third structure for couple treatment, “combined couples therapy,” refers to the combination of conjoint sessions that both partners attend together with ongoing or occasional individual therapy sessions for one or both spouses. That is, the therapist interweaves individual and couple sessions in a design that most meets the needs of this specific couple. “The combined treatment,” the textbook explains, “has the advantage of allowing the use of fantasies in individual sessions while providing easy access to transactional and communicational patterns” in joint sessions. Conflict resolution treatment generally employs the third of these “most common types of couples therapy.”

As described more fully in a recent article in the Journal of Marriage and Family Therapy currently available on the website of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy, such combined treatment offers important benefits:

One professional is in a better position to recognize, define, and point out [and thereby ameliorate] the intrapsychic and interpersonal dimensions of the symptom-problem, to be aware of the two-way street effects of one process on the other, to know areas in either process that are being avoided and impulses that are being “acted out” rather than confronted. He [or she] is able to appreciate the subtleties of the resistances and transferences and to form an integrated concept of where the individual client and the marriage is and what the client and marriage is doing in each phase of help even though each process may be conducted according to the techniques of that particular modality…

Conversely, when a person is in individual therapy with one professional and in marriage counseling with another, the two processes may go off in opposite directions. Also, resistances may go unnoticed, the transferences may become more split or diluted, and the continuity of the person’s emotional flow and life processes may become more compartmentalized.

For these reasons, conflict resolution treatment recommends the practice of asking people being treated to take a break from any prior individual therapists if they are going to enter into treatment with a conflict resolution therapist. At the same time, the therapist explains that s/he will be available at any time for either spouse to schedule individual sessions as they feel the need. I explain that in general if I am seeing one spouse individually, I like to keep things symmetrical and work also with the other; and at the same time if this is not possible for financial or other reasons, I can be flexible. I add finally that the individual sessions may be occasional, suggested by either one of the spouses or by me, and/or may be part of an ongoing weekly pattern of treatment. For people dealing with specific difficulties—for instance, when one spouse has a borderline personality pattern or is dealing with chronic depression—as many as three sessions a week, with one couple session and one individual session for each spouse, can be ideal, finances and time permitting.

Multiple research studies have demonstrated that individual therapy for a spouse in a distressed marriage may make a couple’s conflict worse, making divorce more likely. These concerns, and their import for practice, are explained in a chapter of the 2008 Clinical Handbook of Couple Therapy, as follows:

“Because we take a systems perspective and view the couple as the client, we have found that individual therapy may interfere with our couple work. We also tell clients that research indicates that the chance of divorce is greater if clients engage in individual therapy rather than couple therapy (Bray & Jouriles 1995). Therefore, we request that partners stop individual therapy during our couple treatment. There is a greater chance of dysfunctional triangulating when another therapist is involved” (p. 504).

Conflict resolution treatment recommends this same policy, that is, flexible inclusion of individual and couple sessions within an overall couple treatment format with one therapist handling all the treatment components. The one exception to the one therapist rule for couples is for treatment of problems that lie outside the therapist’s areas of competence. Referral for additional specialized treatments such as neuropsychological exams, medication treatment, or addiction cessation would always be appropriate, provided the couple therapist and the additional treatment professional agree on a clear division of labor between the therapists.

What is essential however with a protocol that includes both individual and couple treatment formats is explicit confidentiality procedures. Conflict resolution therapists are encouraged to explain at the outset of treatment their policies with regard to confidentiality. Will information disclosed in one spouse’s individual session become the property of the couple? If so, then is it appropriate for the therapist to share individuals’ communications to the therapist with the other spouse? I believe not. Information shared by the couple in the presence of the couple of course is bounded by confidentiality vis-a-vis anyone other than the couple. Information shared with the therapist by one spouse must remain similarly bound by confidentiality to remain with the therapist.

With these principles, one spouse who may be having an affair is able to work on how to disentangle from the affair. The individual sessions enable the straying spouse to utilize the therapist’s in order to extricate from what can be a difficult situation. This option increases the likelihood of a positive marital outcome.

At the same time, if one spouse is having an affair, the therapist has a responsibility to clarify when the affair is revealed that affairs are a violation of the marriage contract. It is ethically important for a therapist to clarify to an unfaithful spouse that continuing to conduct therapy with a secret partner on the side is not an ethical endeavor or an option. However a therapist can help a partner who is engaged in an affair to settle their internal conflict, that is, to choose either to stay in the marriage or to leave it for the new partner.

I have found that this dilemma of having to hold confidential information with regards to an affair is a situation that does occur, but rarely. In most instances, holding individual spouses’ confidential information in confidence is relatively easy and greatly benefits both spouses. They can then enjoy the gains of both individual and couple treatment, with both aspects of this integrated treatment enhancing each other.

When might earning more feel like making less for women? When it comes with the emotional baggage of being the primary breadwinner in a culture where men are expected to bring home the bacon. Earning a good income should be something for women to feel proud of, right? It is an accomplishment, a deserved reward for hard work. Yet many women feel conflicted about their status and ashamed of the role reversal. And this devalues their achievement.

Many women breadwinners downplay their success. Traditional values still dictate that the male partner in a heterosexual relationship should bring home a bigger paycheck. Male self-esteem is often linked with their financial prowess, and society has yet to challenge this expectation. Women’s financial success is such a taboo topic that the high percentage of women in this country who are primary breadwinners may be a surprise to many people. According to the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics, women are the sole or main breadwinners in almost a third of U.S. households. As the economy continues to falter, this percentage is predicted to climb, since unemployment has hit male-dominated fields the hardest.

Some women become primary breadwinners when they pursue a higher paying job, while their husband/partner chooses a path that offers less remuneration. A woman who is successful in real estate, for example, might earn more than her spouse who is an artist. Even if monetary success is not considered important when choosing a mate, most couples still face cultural expectations associated with this role reversal. Men can feel emasculated, women may be viewed as controlling, and both may worry about what others will think of them. A woman may resent her partner for not being able to support her, or may lose respect for him if he fails to search for better paying work, and a man may resent his breadwinner wife who seems so much more accomplished.

Women also may become sole breadwinners by default when their partner is laid off. Since the start of the recession, three out of four of those recently unemployed are men. This can be particularly devastating for families since women still only earn 78 cents to the dollar when compared to men. Women in these situations face the stress of earning the family paycheck, offering emotional support to a spouse who is often angry and demoralized, and containing their own frustration and resentment.

While ambivalence about breadwinner status may be commonplace, some women relish the opportunity. In one study, Rebecca Meisenbach interviewed female breadwinners and found that although some experienced guilt and resentment over their multiple roles, many were ambitious, took pride in their accomplishments, and enjoyed their independence. These women also found that it was critical to value their spouse’s contributions to the family, regardless of his financial success.

So how can women adjust to the primary breadwinner role, regardless of whether it is obtained by default or free choice? On the job, women need to lobby for equal pay, and challenge long-held misconceptions that men are solely responsible for their families, thereby warranting higher wages. Men and women need to resist judging one another by the size of their paycheck, and support the pursuit of a career path based on what is meaningful and fulfilling. Most importantly, couples need to communicate openly about the impact a woman’s breadwinner status has on their relationship. Partners need to remember what brought them together in the first place. Paying attention to what you enjoy and respect about your partner, how the intimacy you have can enhance your life, and how you can support each other’s career goals can hopefully offset any challenges to the relationship.

References

1. Meisenbach, Rebecca. (2009). The Female Breadwinner: Pheonomenological Experience and Gendered Identity in Work/Family Spaces. Sex Roles. Retrieved from http://www.springerlink.com/DOI: 10.1007/s11199-009-9714-5.
2. U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics (2009). Women in the Labor Force: A Data Book. Retrieved from http://www.bls.gov.

In this article I want to focus on one particular aspect of recovering from an affair: punishing the offending partner.

I am frequently asked, “How long is this pain going to last?!” That’s impossible to answer, but I do know one way to shorten the life span of your pain, and perhaps shorten the recovery process. What’s my secret? If you’re punishing your partner, stop. Why? Because punishment can slow the recovery process, thereby extending the pain you are working so hard to reduce.

In my office, I frequently hear the injured party telling their partner, “I want you to hurt for as long as possible, just like I do. You’re just going to have to take this punishment and deal with it!” The punishment begins in a wide variety of forms that ultimately prolong the injured party’s pain. In the early stages of recovery, dishing out punishment seems to provide the injured party a semblance of control after feeling profoundly powerless, helpless, and deeply wounded.

The Downsides to Punishment

First of all, punishment can lead to bitterness in one or both partners. Bitterness is swallowing a poison pill hoping the other party will die.

Second, it delays recovery due to the need for more repair. Punishment causes additional pain to a relationship already suffering on several levels. More pain means more recovery work. More recovery work takes more time. Inflicting emotional pain in someone else seldom leads to relief from our own pain because our brains are simply not wired to do that.

Punishing the offending partner means the injured party is working at cross purposes. For example, let’s pretend you are the injured party. Part of you wants to stop feeling so terrible and get your life back, perhaps save the relationship, or try to figure out whether or not the relationship even can be saved. Another part of you wants your partner to suffer, so you punish them. But punishing your partner, although understandable, only adds more pain to the relationship. The pain you feel as a result of the affair is real, deep, and pervasive. Adding pain to one side of the relationship while simultaneously trying to reduce it on the other side simply will not work. It is impossible to repair something that is simultaneously being damaged.

Alternatives to Punishment

1. Realize that your desire to punish is normal, but it’s the consequence of your own pain.
2. Understand that purposely causing pain for pain’s sake in your partner will not relieve your pain in the long run, even if it seems to provide a short-lived sense of satisfaction.
3. Talk with your partner in detail about your pain! Expressing your pain gives you a greater likelihood of being heard and understood. It also provides an opportunity for your partner to experience their own pain derived from losing your trust, damaging their credibility, and losing their integrity, not to mention the realization that the relationship is in jeopardy. Punishment may divert them from facing those important issues and emotions.
4. Remember, bitterness and punishment are damaging.

Think about it: If punishing the offending party must play a role, try to make it short-lived and limited. For when it persists, bitterness may take over, individual- and couple-healing is stalled, and your pain and recovery will be prolonged. Recovery from an affair is a long, arduous process, but the recovery process can be shortened if punishment stops. If need be, find a good counselor to help out.

How do you find a counselor who has an understanding of infidelity recovery? Ask if they have read Peggy Vaughan’s book, The Monogamy Myth. If not, look until you find a counselor who has. And if you haven’t read it, do so.

If you and your partner really want to do yourselves a favor, attend one of Brian and Anne Bercht’s workshops for couples recovering from an affair.

Limit the punishment, reduce your pain, and shorten the recovery process.