Experiencing anger in your relationship is not a sign that your relationship is doomed to fail.

Anger is an emotion that we all experience, and it signifies that something has to be done. Conflict really has a purpose, and the purpose is mutual understanding, according to relationship researcher Dr. John Gottman. Anger makes you aware that there is a problem. How you deal with your anger can become a big part of the problem. For some couples, anger can make it nearly impossible to figure out what the problem is and how to fix it.

For most couples, anger itself is not the problem. What becomes problematic is how partners deal with their anger and how well they deal with their partner’s. Research shows that 69% of problems in a relationship are unsolvable, emphasizing that couples must learn to manage conflict rather than eliminate it entirely.

Dealing with Your Anger

Managing your own anger effectively is the first step toward healthier relationship dynamics. Research shows that anger is often a secondary emotion which covers up more vulnerable feelings such as embarrassment, sadness, and hopelessness. Understanding this can help you address the root causes of your emotional responses.

Take time out to calm yourself enough to think about what you are angry about. Taking a break is the best way to keep a bad argument from getting worse, with pauses ranging from 20 minutes to 24 hours to allow both partners to cool down.

Own your anger. Remind yourself that your anger belongs to you and that it is telling you something about yourself. Anger is often directed at your partner, but your anger belongs to you, even when it’s triggered by your partner’s behavior. You can have valid complaints about your partner’s actions, but the emotion is yours.

If the anger is your own, then it follows that you are in control. Accept that you are in control. Your next step is to think about what your anger is about. Again, try to focus on yourself, not your partner’s wrongdoing. I’m not saying that your partner is right. I am saying that you need to focus on yourself so you can express yourself to your partner, allowing you to work together to find solutions.

See your thoughts and emotions as your perspective, and at the same time try to keep in mind that your partner has his or her own perspective that will always be different from yours—after all, you are two different people with different experiences. Thinking like this will help you stay calm through the process of dealing with your emotions.

What are your angry thoughts? Try to follow your thoughts to get a full picture. It may help to write down what, exactly, happened that led to you feeling angry.

Consider what other emotions are involved. Research on anger and emotion regulation shows that anger often serves as a defensive response to protect against more vulnerable primary emotions. Examples of primary emotions are feeling sad, afraid, hurt, or rejected. Anger activates when something stands between us and the gratification of our demands, serving as a defensive system. Vulnerability is often seen as weakness; many of us were brought up to ignore vulnerabilities and push through problems.

Anger can feel like relief as emotional energy is released and vulnerabilities are pushed away from awareness. Being angry at your partner is sometimes easier than facing fear of rejection. However, the consequences of reacting with anger in a relationship can be severe. We know this at work; screaming at colleagues is most likely going to get us fired.

Key Insight: Nathanael Schlect, Licensed Associate Counselor “Anger can feel like relief as emotional energy is released and vulnerabilities are pushed away from awareness.”

Dealing with Your Partner’s Anger

This guidance applies to relationships where both partners feel safe. If anger includes intimidation, coercion, or physical harm, professional support is important

Dealing with your partner’s anger is a totally different process. I suggest that you help your partner calm down and go through the process described above.

Your part is to be supportive, listen actively, and ask clarifying questions. (See other articles I have written on The Good Therapy Blog about communicating effectively and especially active listening.) As the listener, you must create a safe space for the speaker with no judging or arguing, showing genuine interest and allowing them time to fully communicate their concerns.

Remind yourself that your partner is coming from his or her perspective and personal experiences. Your own perspective and feelings are not important at this time. If you are able to do this for your partner, I can assure you that you will see big, positive changes in your relationship. Perhaps your partner will initially react with surprise and even anger that you are changing your steps of the dance you have danced together for so many years of fighting. However, if you keep up your end of the relationship and focus on being the best partner you can be, your partner will eventually follow and give you the same courtesy when you are upset and need support.

The happiest and most successful couples don’t avoid conflict, fear or anger – they just know how to fight fairly and productively. Research from the Gottman Institute shows that effective couples use “repair attempts” during conflicts—small gestures like humor, affection, or expressions of empathy to de-escalate tension and maintain connection.

In an ideal world, partners will take turns being upset. In the real world, we often get upset at the same time. This is where repair work becomes important. Practice apologizing, stay calm, and remind yourself why you are in the relationship and that you are in control of how you express your emotions.

Stable and happy couples maintain a ratio of about 5 positive interactions for every 1 negative interaction, which helps buffer against conflict and builds emotional connection. This research-backed principle can guide couples in maintaining relationship health even during difficult periods.

Key Insight: Nathanael Schlect, Licensed Associate Counselor “In couples work, the goal isn’t to eliminate anger, it’s to slow it down enough that the hurt underneath can be heard.”

References:

1. Blair, R. J. R. (2012). Considering anger from a cognitive neuroscience perspective. Wiley Interdisciplinary Reviews: Cognitive Science, 3(1), 65-74. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3260787/
2. Gottman, J., & Gottman, J. S. (2024). Fight Right: How Successful Couples Turn Conflict into Connection. Harmony Books.
3. Gottman, J. M. (2024). Managing vs. resolving conflict in relationships: 3 essential blueprints for couples. The Gottman Institute. https://www.gottman.com/blog/managing-vs-resolving-conflict-relationships/
4. Larsson, J., Bjureberg, J., Zhao, X., & Hesser, H. (2024). The inner workings of anger: A network analysis of anger and emotion regulation. Journal of Clinical Psychology, 80(2), 437-455.
5. National Institute of Mental Health. (2024). Novel treatment helps children with severe irritability. https://www.nimh.nih.gov/news/science-updates/2024/novel-treatment-helps-children-with-severe-irritability
6. Pop, G. V., Nechita, D. M., Miu, A. C., & Szentágotai-Tătar, A. (2025). Anger and emotion regulation strategies: A meta-analysis. Scientific Reports, 15(1), 6931.
7. Tharp, J. A., Zerwas, F. K., Mauss, I. B., & Chen, S. (2025). Power, emotion appropriateness norms, and regulation of anger and sadness. Emotion. Advance online publication.

Thanks for writing in, and for the excellent question. I’d first like to congratulate you for having what appears to be an unusually expansive empathy, in that you are trying to do right by your fiancé in terms of your mutual sex life, his issues and sensitivity around trauma, and, of course, your own feelings about all this. Obviously, this is a complex question, which accounts for the long-ish answer you’re about to get.

The first thing that comes to mind here is: There’s something not sexy about this for you; sex is a little like humor in the sense that it tickles us or it doesn’t. Your fiancé’s request to carry out what sounds like a role-play scenario doesn’t seem to hit the eros chord for you, and nothing’s more of a turn-off than forcing yourself to do something too edgy or discomforting.

Part of the uneasy factor is that the requested scenario seems to parallel your fiancé’s sexual abuse, which is still fresh for you (just having heard about it). Let me say here that what defines “healthy sexuality” could—and has—filled volumes upon volumes. It is a never-ending debate in my field. My own guidelines for “healthy” sex would mean, first and foremost, that the sex is consensual and safe for all parties. Other than that, the spectrum is infinitely broad. I know heterosexual men who like wearing stockings, and gay men who act brutish and tough in the bedroom. Working with sexuality means you’re dealing with the unconscious, and 10 different therapists would give you 10 different interpretations of what your partner’s sexual preferences are “really about.” As indicated, however, I get the impression from your letter that something about this feels uncomfortable, perhaps a bit unsafe, and I think that is at the core of what needs to be dealt with between you.

My clinical experience has shown me that a dynamic sexuality often includes a sense of experimentation, emotional expression, and spontaneity. There’s nothing at all wrong with role playing, though when the “play” part becomes rigidified, with an endlessly repeated “script,” to the point where mutual expression seems muzzled, where the sex has to be a certain way or someone will be unhappy, then it’s time to take a step back and see how things can be loosened up. Playfulness and humor, too, can be a way of masking or deflecting emotion, but if sex becomes too serious or heavy, it becomes stifling. Just as important here is the fact that what happens in the bedroom so often mirrors what is happening, emotionally and relationally, in the relationship itself. Sexuality is another spoke in the wheel of relating, not a separate wheel unto itself, though we often think of it that way. This leads me to wonder if you ever feel kept at a distance or put in a position of power in your emotional lives together.

I’m not exactly sure how dark or heavy a “flavor” we’re talking about here, though it sounds like (I’m assuming) you would be in the “perpetrator” role; if I assume that these scenarios have a sadomasochistic tinge, perhaps your fiancé is asking you to take the “S” role in a way you’d rather not. I’m imagining it might be painful to play a role in which you are hurting your beloved in a way parallel to earlier, horrifying experiences.

Whether these scenarios are healthy for a person to enact really depends on context and their psychological history (and is a source of intense debate among therapists). I believe that, for some people, allowing scenarios derived from trauma to emerge in a sexual context might actually give a person control and power over a previously painful narrative; they are able to “make use” of the trauma in a way they can control and derive pleasure from, a way of telling their story their own way, which now offers pleasure and not just pain. Ironically, allowing trauma memories to mingle with consciousness, even under the cloak of sexual fantasy, is a step forward for some who have completely dissociated or disconnected from such awful memories. For other people, such enactments can take on a compulsive flavor, where satisfaction can be found only by acting out one’s feelings and experiences this way, which inevitably makes their actual sexual partners feel distant and/or controlled. Where one draws the line between playful expression of one’s sensibilities and a darker, more destructive and harmful behavior is up for debate and highly dependent on specifics.

I think the only way to resolve this, since it so directly involves so many facets of your relationship, is to handle it relationally—that is, with your fiancé. This isn’t something you can figure out on your own. Dialogue is essential. I’d first decide what you are and aren’t willing to try in bed. Would you be up for trying a “light” version of his scenario, or exploring it, to see if there are aspects of it that can be treated as a kind of game, where play and spontaneity are included? Could it be seen as a kind of foreplay, where (again, not knowing the specifics) you could employ a little spanking or tying up or a scenario that is sexy to both of you and not too edgy or overwhelming? Or is it all just a big turn-off and not your “thing” at all?

I’d then sit down and relate as honestly as you can. You obviously care about him a great deal, want to please him but have concerns about his request. I’d try to stick to your own feelings. Saying, “I’m not sure this is a good way to resolve your issues” sounds a little therapisty; you might try saying, “The idea of this makes me (uneasy, uncomfortable, etc.).” Can a compromise be reached? Can the two of you let your sexual imaginations come up with something you both find desirable?

Try not to think too hard about what will help your fiancé resolve his trauma. Frankly, just having an open conversation wherein you are honest about your feelings, while empathic toward his, will likely be a healing experience for both of you. I honestly do not think any partner’s job is to help the other resolve any issues; that’s what therapists are for. Honest relating and working through things respectfully and lovingly is itself healing.  You can support him in his therapy work, of course, but you, too, are on a journey, and one person’s trauma does not “cancel out” the other’s desires or wishes to feel heard, respected, and safe—sexually and otherwise.

Thanks again for writing. Hope that helped.
Darren

Does this song sound familiar?

“Every Breath You Take” by The Police:

Every breath you take
Every move you make
Every bond you break
Every step you take
I’ll be watching you

Some people think it’s a love song, but according to Sting himself, it’s the opposite—as he put it, “very, very sinister and ugly.” Does it remind you of your relationship with your girlfriend? The song is about a stalker, someone who watches every single thing their partner does or wants to do and takes away their freedom. In such a relationship, a person might feel safe and loved at first, in a secure space, but that space quickly turns into a prison.

You say you’ve read many articles about insecurity and the damage it can cause. I am not going to suggest any more books or articles to you; I think it’s time you stop reading and start doing. I think you already know all you need to.

In the kind of relationship you describe—of possessor and possessed—both partners are insecure. You ask if you should leave. I ask why you need to ask. What do you want to do? I suggest that you seek professional help and a support group so you can learn to listen to yourself, act on your true needs and desires, and develop better, healthier relationships that will help you honor your own inner guide and grow.

Respectfully,
Lynn

Long-distance relationships (LDRs) present unique challenges that test the resilience and commitment of couples separated by geography. While the physical distance can create obstacles, recent research reveals that these relationships may offer distinct advantages and can be just as fulfilling as geographically close relationships when approached with the right strategies.

According to 2025 research, the prevalence of long-distance relationships has evolved significantly, with current estimates showing that 10% of married couples in the United States maintain long-distance relationships. Among university students and emerging adults, LDR prevalence ranges from 30% to 50%, making this a common relationship structure during formative years.

Current Research on Long-Distance Relationships

The foundation for understanding LDR dynamics comes from groundbreaking research published in the Journal of Communication. Research from Jiang and Hancock (2013) observed communication patterns in long-distance versus geographically close relationships, finding that emotional connections in long-distance relationships may be equally strong or stronger than their geographically close counterparts. The study found that long-distance couples engage in more adaptive self-disclosures and form more idealized relationship perceptions than geographically close couples.

This foundational research has been validated and expanded by numerous recent studies. A 2025 study examining emerging adults in long-distance relationships found that relationship maintenance behaviors predict relationship quality both directly and indirectly through dyadic trust. Research on communication patterns shows that LDR couples use remote communication more frequently than geographically close couples, with text messaging showing particularly strong links to relationship satisfaction in long-distance relationships.

Current research indicates that 34% of long-distance relationship couples experience significant anxiety about future reunion plans, highlighting the emotional challenges that come with maintaining relationships across distances. However, studies suggest that college students in LDRs may not be at greater risk for negative psychological outcomes compared to their peers in geographically close relationships.

The Science Behind LDR Success

Several psychological mechanisms may explain why distance can strengthen rather than weaken romantic bonds:

Enhanced Communication Quality

Long-distance couples demonstrate more intentional communication patterns, engaging in deeper self-disclosure and forming more idealized perceptions of their relationships compared to geographically close couples. 2025 research shows that attachment-security strategies for LDR couples, including creating psychological distance from negative triggers through mindfulness and perspective-taking techniques, can reduce harmful coping behaviors and improve relationship stability. Regular communication schedules, shared digital experiences, and planned visits help maintain secure attachment bonds across time zones.

While enhanced communication can strengthen emotional intimacy, it may also introduce a subtle risk: the tendency to idealize one’s partner. Because long-distance couples rely heavily on curated interactions, texts, calls, and planned visits, partners may unintentionally “fill in the gaps” with assumptions that reflect hopes rather than reality.

Clinical observations and emerging research suggest that this form of idealization can create a “fantasy bond,” where the relationship feels emotionally fulfilling but is partially constructed in the mind rather than grounded in everyday shared experience. Over time, this gap between perception and reality can become a source of distress, particularly during transitions to living together or increased in-person contact.

The Power of Anticipation

The cyclical nature of separation and reunion in LDRs creates heightened emotional experiences. Recent research on “relationship jet lag” reveals that couples experience no difficulty adapting when reuniting, with researchers noting that “the joy of being together may be enough to supersede that jet lag effect”.

However, the same anticipation that fuels excitement can also amplify contrast effects. Time spent together often occurs under unusually positive conditions, planned visits, time off work, and heightened emotional focus, which can resemble a “holiday mode” of relating. This context may temporarily intensify emotional and physical intimacy, but it does not always reflect how the relationship functions under routine, day-to-day conditions

Attachment Theory Insights

Modern research examining attachment styles in LDRs shows that individuals maintain committed romantic relationships across significant geographical separation (averaging 1042 miles) for extended periods (averaging 3 years). Studies demonstrate that securely attached individuals report higher relationship satisfaction and greater interdependence in their relationships, while high relationship closeness predicts high satisfaction in long-distance relationships.

The Reunion Transition: When Distance ClosesOne of the most underexamined phases of long-distance relationships is the transition from distance to proximity. While much of the research focuses on maintaining connection across distance, clinical experience and emerging studies suggest that reunification can be a critical stress point.

When partners move closer or begin living in the same location, they often encounter a “reality adjustment period.” The imagined or idealized partner must integrate with the real, everyday person, complete with habits, routines, stress responses, and preferences that were less visible during long-distance phases.

This transition can affect multiple domains:

• Daily routines and pacing: differences in sleep schedules, work habits, and lifestyle rhythms
• Decision-making styles: financial choices, division of responsibilities, and conflict resolution
• Emotional expectations: shifts from high-intensity connection to more regular intimacy

Research on relationship transitions suggests that these adjustments can temporarily decrease relationship satisfaction, even in otherwise strong partnerships. Recognizing this phase as a normal developmental stage, rather than a sign of incompatibility, can help couples navigate it more effectively.

Modern Communication Tools and Their Impact

Technology has revolutionized long-distance relationship maintenance, providing couples with unprecedented opportunities to stay connected.

Text Messaging: The Relationship Lifeline

Research consistently shows that text messaging is the most frequently used form of remote communication in both long-distance and geographically close relationships, followed by voice calls and video calls. Study findings add to growing literature on remote communication and suggest a uniquely positive role of texting within LDRs.

Gaming as Relationship Maintenance

Recent research reveals that playing games together is an increasingly common way for couples to maintain long-distance relationships. Digital games serve as a form of relational maintenance, though they remain relatively understudied for romantic relationship maintenance compared to socialization with friends and family.

Video Calls and Beyond

While video calling shows weaker links with relationship satisfaction compared to other forms of communication, couples in LDRs report more frequent video calling and perceive their partners as more responsive during video calls compared to geographically close relationships.

Innovative research on haptic technology, including devices like the Kissenger machine that simulates realistic kissing sensations through smartphones, shows promise for enhancing relationship satisfaction in long-distance couples during experimental trials.

Evidence-Based Strategies for LDR Success

1. Leverage Modern Communication Technology

Take advantage of diverse communication platforms, recognizing that 67% of international LDR couples struggle with scheduling mismatches. Available communication windows often shrink as work and social commitments increase. Consider:

• Text messaging for daily connection and emotional support
• Gaming together as a form of relationship maintenance (studies show couples averaging age 25.2, with some couples meeting online and maintaining relationships without ever meeting in person)
• Video calls for face-to-face interaction and visual connection

2. Establish Clear Expectations and Timelines

Research shows that couples tend to experience less stress and uncertainty if they have a clear timeline for reunion compared to those uncertain about their reunion. Approximately 72% of successful LDR couples discuss boundaries and expectations early in the relationship. Planning visits and creating an end date for the long-distance phase are key factors, with couples having a concrete timeline being 30% more likely to stay together.

3. Focus on Quality Communication

Trust and communication are considered the two most critical factors for LDR success, with 85% of LDR couples reporting trust as their relationship foundation and 82% emphasizing the importance of clear, open communication. Rather than using your partner primarily to vent daily stress, focus on:

• Cultivating positive feelings and mutual support
• Practicing mindfulness and perspective-taking techniques, which research shows can be particularly effective when practiced during video calls

4. Maintain Romance and Connection

Emotional intimacy is crucial, with 74% of LDR couples sending care packages or thoughtful gifts to show love and affection. Maintaining emotional connection in creative ways helps fill the gap created by physical distance. Strategies include:

• Sending flirty texts, small gifts, or traditional love letters
• Sharing novel experiences through digital platforms, which research shows can enhance self-expansion and relationship quality
• It is also important to contextualize heightened intimacy during visits. Increased sexual or emotional intensity may be influenced by novelty, anticipation, and limited time together rather than solely reflecting deeper compatibility. Understanding this distinction can help couples set realistic expectations for how intimacy may evolve when the relationship becomes geographically close.

5. Maintain Individual Growth

Don’t put your life on hold during separation. Having friends, employment, and outside interests helps manage loneliness and makes you a more engaging partner. Research shows that students in LDRs have more positive affect when off-campus than on-campus, suggesting the importance of maintaining life outside the relationship context.

6. Discuss Realities of Daily Life

To reduce the risks of idealization, couples can intentionally incorporate elements of daily life into their long-distance interactions:

• Discuss mundane topics such as finances, chores, and daily stressors
• Spend time together virtually while doing routine activities (e.g., cooking, errands, or workout sessions)
• Have explicit conversations about expectations for living together, including conflict styles and personal space

Research and clinical insights suggest that couples who engage in reality-based interactions, rather than exclusively emotionally heightened exchanges, are better prepared for eventual reunification.

Challenges and Modern Solutions

Relationship “Jet Lag” and Transitions

Recent research identifies “relationship jet lag” as a phenomenon where individuals in long-distance relationships face unique barriers to both individual and relationship health. The transition difficulties upon separation can create negative associations with the relationship itself.

Time Zone and Scheduling Challenges

Time zone differences create psychological pressures beyond simple scheduling inconvenience. When partners operate on different circadian rhythms, 67% of international LDR couples struggle with scheduling mismatches that create cascading communication effects.

Digital Age Complications

The modern dating landscape includes challenges like “Nanoship” – ultra-short relationships that form and dissolve rapidly due to digital platform ease, creating additional pressure on couples trying to maintain long-term connections across distances.

Research-Backed Success Factors

Studies using serial mediation models show that relationship maintenance behaviors predict relationship quality both directly and indirectly through dyadic trust, with effective relationship maintenance behaviors playing a crucial role in maintaining relational balance and functioning.

Recent research examining adaptive models for long-distance relationships incorporates mindfulness, sexual function, religious, and online social support domains, with data from 366 couples (aged 18-57, averaging 34.82 years) demonstrating the validity of comprehensive support approaches.

Conclusion

Long-distance relationships, while challenging, can be as fulfilling and stable as geographically close relationships when approached with evidence-based strategies. The key lies not in the distance itself, but in how couples manage that distance through intentional communication, trust-building, and relationship maintenance behaviors.

Long-distance romantic relationships have become increasingly common, especially among emerging adults. This situation reveals the importance of understanding how these relationships are maintained and the quality individuals perceive from them. Success requires commitment from both partners, strategic use of available technology, and a clear plan for eventual geographic reunion.

• Acosta-Rodas, P., Arias-Flores, H., & Ramos-Galarza, C. (2020). Long-distance relationships: Use of technology advances in communication, idealization and satisfaction. International Conference on Human Systems Engineering and Design, 110-115.
• Du Bois, S., Weber, D. M., Baucom, D. H., Wojda-Burlij, A. K., Carrino, E. A., & Sher, T. G. (2022). Relationship “jet lag” in long-distance and geographically close relationships: The impact of relationship transitions on emotional functioning. Couple and Family Psychology: Research and Practice, 13(3), 157-171.
• Holtzman, S., Kushlev, K., Wozny, A., & Godard, R. (2021). Long-distance texting: Text messaging is linked with higher relationship satisfaction in long-distance relationships. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 38(12), 3543-3565.
• Jiang, L. C., & Hancock, J. T. (2013). Absence makes the communication grow fonder: Geographic separation, interpersonal media, and intimacy in dating relationships. Journal of Communication, 63(3), 556-577.
• Körün, O. (2025). Even though the long distance: Are we still going on? Dyadic trust, relationship maintenance behaviors, and relationship quality among emerging adulthoods. Scandinavian Journal of Psychology, 46(1), 123-135.
• Murikkattu, N. N. E., Shah, N. D., Singh, N. N., Bhatia, N. M. S., & Sinha, N. A. (2024). The experiences of individuals in maintaining a long-distance relationship through social media. World Journal of Advanced Research and Reviews, 23(2), 2736-2743.
• Reframe. (2025). Long-distance relationship success: 2025 tips & science. https://www.joinreframeapp.com/articles/long-distance-relationships-anxiety-2025-statistics-attachment-security
• Roberts, A. (2007). Long-distance romantic relationships: Attachment, closeness, and satisfaction. Dissertation Abstracts International, 68(3), 1887B

References:

1. Acosta-Rodas, P., Arias-Flores, H., & Ramos-Galarza, C. (2020). Long-distance relationships: Use of technology advances in communication, idealization and satisfaction. International Conference on Human Systems Engineering and Design, 110-115.
2. Du Bois, S., Weber, D. M., Baucom, D. H., Wojda-Burlij, A. K., Carrino, E. A., & Sher, T. G. (2022). Relationship “jet lag” in long-distance and geographically close relationships: The impact of relationship transitions on emotional functioning. Couple and Family Psychology: Research and Practice, 13(3), 157-171.
3. Holtzman, S., Kushlev, K., Wozny, A., & Godard, R. (2021). Long-distance texting: Text messaging is linked with higher relationship satisfaction in long-distance relationships. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 38(12), 3543-3565.
4. Jiang, L. C., & Hancock, J. T. (2013). Absence makes the communication grow fonder: Geographic separation, interpersonal media, and intimacy in dating relationships. Journal of Communication, 63(3), 556-577.
5. Körün, O. (2025). Even though the long distance: Are we still going on? Dyadic trust, relationship maintenance behaviors, and relationship quality among emerging adulthoods. Scandinavian Journal of Psychology, 46(1), 123-135.
6. Murikkattu, N. N. E., Shah, N. D., Singh, N. N., Bhatia, N. M. S., & Sinha, N. A. (2024). The experiences of individuals in maintaining a long-distance relationship through social media. World Journal of Advanced Research and Reviews, 23(2), 2736-2743.
7. Reframe. (2025). Long-distance relationship success: 2025 tips & science. https://www.joinreframeapp.com/articles/long-distance-relationships-anxiety-2025-statistics-attachment-security
8. Roberts, A. (2007). Long-distance romantic relationships: Attachment, closeness, and satisfaction. Dissertation Abstracts International, 68(3), 1887B

According to the results of a recent study, men who have experienced childhood maltreatment and stress prefer romantic partners who are heavy rather than thin. Jason M. Fletcher of the Department of Health Policy and Management at the Yale School of Public Health in Connecticut chose to extend the research on resource scarcity which suggests that people who have experienced abuse, neglect, or maltreatment are drawn to heavier body types because of the perceived ability of that body type to provide resources.

However, until now, few studies have looked at potential differences between types of childhood stress and their independent impact on body type preference. Additionally, little research has been devoted to the preference of men versus women. Therefore, Fletcher studied male and female teenage participants and evaluated their body type preferences during high school and into early adulthood. He looked at their childhood experiences of stress, abuse, neglect, maltreatment, socioeconomic status, and other factors to arrive at his findings.

The results revealed two distinct and unique patterns. First, men who had a history of neglect, abuse, or maltreatment of any kind tended to be attracted to obese women rather than thin women. The severity of the abuse was directly associated with the increased body mass index (BMI) of the women men chose as partners. This result supports existing research in this area.

However, in contrast to some of the literature on this topic, the women with abuse or neglect histories were more likely to be romantically attracted to thin men rather than heavy or obese men. Fletcher believes that for many women, the visible appearance of strength, as exhibited by a chest-waist ratio, may be a better indicator of resource availability than BMI alone.

“Overall these results in part confirm previous work on body type preference,” said Fletcher, “But also suggest opportunities for future research.” One area of research that could further strengthen our understanding of the neglect-partner preference association is to focus on sexual abuse, emotional abuse, and physical abuse independently and determine what influence, if any, the body type of the perpetrator has on survivors’ mate preferences.

Reference:
Fletcher, J.M., Tefft, N. (2013). The long-term effects of stress on partner weight characteristics. PLoS ONE 8(6): e66353. doi:10.1371/journal.pone.0066353

Editor’s note: Ashley Davis Bush, LICSW, and Daniel Arthur Bush, PhD, are co-authors of 75 Habits for a Happy Marriage. Their continuing education presentation for GoodTherapy.org, titled Helping Couples Connect When Life Is Pulling Them Apart, is scheduled for 9 a.m. PDT on September 13. The event is good for 1.5 CE credits and is available at no cost to GoodTherapy.org members. For details, or to register, please click here.

“Melissa” and “George” have been married for 19 years. Nine years ago, George’s excessive drinking had led to a separation. George admitted to his addiction and checked himself into a rehabilitation center. They reunited after six months, and George has been sober ever since.

They were in my office now because Melissa was feeling unfulfilled in their marriage. George had reluctantly agreed to come. “It’s not like I’m drinking anymore” he said, “so really, we’re fine.”

That’s when I heard the first damaging assumption: “Things are OK as long as there aren’t any BIG problems, such as addiction, adultery, or abuse.” WRONG. Certainly, those issues are significant, but marriages fall apart on far less. Bad habits such as under-appreciation, frequent exits, chronic complaining, and gradual distancing are the more frequent causes of death for a marriage. The four horsemen of John Gottman’s book, 7 Principles for Making Your Marriage Work, speak directly to this assumption.

In the course of the intake, I asked George if he loved Melissa. Melissa looked up expectantly, waiting for his answer. He replied, “Well, sure, she knows that I do. It’s not like I need to tell her every day.” Melissa sat back, deflated.

That’s when I heard the second damaging assumption: “My spouse knows that I love him/her. I don’t need to say it regularly.” WRONG. An important part of being in a romantic relationship is making sure that your partner knows, every single day, that you love him or her. Some people want to know this in words; others prefer that the message is communicated by actions or touch. Know how your partner wishes to receive your love message. This assumption is the topic of Gary Chapman’s book, The Five Love Languages.

Melissa and George had arrived at a place in their marriage where they simply didn’t understand where the other was coming from. They both felt stuck and unappreciated.

They were also holding on to the third relationship-eroding assumption: “My partner must have the same emotional needs and communication style as I do.” We all have unique neurological, biological, and social differences. And there are some dramatic differences between men and women in how they cope with stress, communicate their feelings, and get their intimacy needs met. Acknowledging and accepting the ways in which your partner is different from you is a crucial step in making your relationship work. John Gray has helped millions drop this assumption through his book, Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus.

It was the collapse of the fourth and fifth assumptions that finally brought this couple to counseling. But other couples need to be on guard. The fourth common damaging assumption is: “I know how my partner is feeling about our relationship.” MAYBE, but you need to find out for sure. Just because he or she isn’t complaining all the time doesn’t mean he/she is satisfied. Take up the habit of asking your partner: “Are you happy in our marriage?” “Is there anything that I can do to be a better partner?” Don’t wait until your partner drags you to marriage counseling to discover that he or she is unsatisfied. Conscious Loving, by Gay and Kathlyn Hendricks, is an example of a book dedicated to communication antidotes to this crippling assumption.

The fifth relationship-damaging assumption is: “We will never get divorced.” WRONG. A high percentage of people in divorce courts never thought they’d be getting divorced. Believing that it can’t happen to you can lead to your becoming apathetic, complacent, and lazy. You begin to take your partner for granted. Instead, knowing that time is finite (either because divorce or death might be looming), you begin to treat the relationship with TLC. George and Melissa already knew that their relationship was subject to separation.

However, once they realized that their assumptions had led to unhealthy and hurtful habits in their relationship, they began to turn things around. George, upon hearing that Melissa wasn’t feeling loved, became open to new ways of communicating to her. Melissa responded to his attention so positively that it was easy for them to embrace each other’s differences and develop new habits that eventually evolved into a whole new way of being with each other.

It is hard to be fully invested in a relationship if you’re already thinking about the messy ending. You are right about the statistics—many marriages do end. There are no guarantees. I do know that very few people go into a marriage with the intention of getting a divorce. Marriage is a leap of faith. It seems pretty clear that you are not ready to make that leap right now—and that’s OK. It’s good to know that is where you are.

What I think is interesting is that you say that you are fine with long-term commitments or even one life-long commitment. I’d be curious to know more about why that feels safer to you than marriage. The “split” rates for relationships are higher than for marriages. There are even fewer guarantees in “nonbinding” (for lack of a better term) relationships. The risks of not being able to trust, of being hurt, of friends taking sides are just as high. If you were to have children with a lifelong partner outside of marriage, custody issues would still be present; they would just look slightly different. You’d still have to figure out dividing up shared stuff (possibly even your home). There are even fewer guarantees in this kind of relationship, yet something about not being legally bound to another person seems less risky to you.

I wonder if the issue may not actually be the act of marriage, but the level of trust required to risk committing yourself fully to another person. It is not unusual for children of divorce to struggle with that trust. They experienced firsthand how marriages can end. It can profoundly impact their feelings of safety and security and limit their willingness to trust in others. You say that, right now, it feels like you have to choose between a very scary “risk-it-all” approach or be doomed to a life alone. There is definitely a middle ground which can allow you meaningful relationships without such high levels of fear. I strongly encourage you to explore these feelings with a therapist in your area.

Best of luck,
Erika

People in good relationships have developed the habit of looking out for their partner’s kindnesses and considerate actions. They succeed at preventing oversights and bad moods from interfering with their affections. When this “positive perspective” is not present or insufficient, couples are more likely to have trouble managing conflict, maintaining a sense of the relationship being in their own best interests, or gaining shared meaning from their involvement.

A state of “positive sentiment override” creates an atmosphere that allows couples to handle difficulties and stress while continuing to feel they are on the same side. Couples who offer consistent support to each other experience a connection that sees them through even when they are rushed, cranky, or feeling harried.

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Negative interactions predictably breed more negativity. This positive state of sentiment override develops when couples have a strong enough friendship to overlook or shrug off moments of irritability or distraction.

For example, when one partner is facing a tough meeting at work, the other person texts afterward to ask how it went. Later at dinner, when it turns out the partner who sent the text forgot to pick up a key ingredient for the meal, the couple solves the problem together and comes up with a different menu.

However, when one person goes off to work after mentioning it will be a difficult day, and he or she never hears from the partner nor is asked about his or her day upon getting home, it becomes more difficult to be understanding when the partner said he or she would stop at the store and yet neglected to buy something important. Then the person who had the hard day at work is more likely to think, “My partner is basically a selfish person.” That thought creates emotions that lead to criticism and bickering instead of mutual support. Each person ends up feeling alone and unhappy.

Of course, this is just one mundane example. Relationship patterns are made up of many interactions repeated over time. Any couple can fall into the kind of difficult exchange described here, but couples who function well can bounce back with statements such as, “I’m sorry, I screwed up. I forgot to ask about that meeting. My day ran away with me, too! Can we catch up now? I’ll pull a snack together for us.”

The danger of negative sentiment override is that the couple gets into a habit of failing to make these kinds of repairs to the relationship. Instead, each person retreats to a separate corner, each feeling self-protective and neglected. It becomes an uphill climb to re-establish positive sentiments when the negative experiences are repetitive. Members of a couple that loses positive perspective no longer naturally assume the best of their partner’s intentions; instead, they ask fewer questions, talk less with each other, and attribute negative motivation to their partner.

Our minds are built to seek evidence for the way the world looks to us, and we operate with many mental filters all the time; otherwise, we would be completely over-stimulated and would never get anything done. When one or both partners begin viewing the relationship through a negative lens, it is always easy to find evidence that our parent is a flawed and imperfect human being. We are more likely to notice the coffee grounds spilled on the counter, lights left on, and to resent the inevitable accommodations we have to make in order to live with another person. Says Dr. John Gottman: “I was not able to crack the code to saving marriages until I started to analyze what went right in happy marriages.”

Extraordinary marriages don’t happen by accident. They’re created by partners who understand that relationships take work.

When you were young, did you dream of finding your one true love and living happily ever after? Did you think your prince (or princess) would come knocking on the door and sweep you off your feet?

I know I did. I instinctively knew my love and I were going to be the cute old couple, twinkles in our eyes, walking down the lane. What I’ve discovered since then is that extraordinary partnerships don’t magically happen; they are created!

With 25 years of experience doing marriage and relationship therapy, Bob and I have learned what couples do to create an extraordinary connection that lasts “till death do us part.” Couples in our practice who thrive and grow deeply intimate relationships have three essential keys in common. Here they are:

1. Extraordinary couples consciously and actively co-create their relationships. Most couples marry at the height of feeling emotional and erotic love for each other. Partners have a strong and deep connection, and similar dreams about their future. They are sexually active and very much enjoying their physical relationship. Having found “the one” who will make him or her happy for the rest of his or her life, they take it for granted that these loving feelings, emotional and erotic, will always be there. It’s so natural! Isn’t that how it’s supposed to be?

If that were true, we would have a lot fewer divorces. The problem is not that a lifetime of love is impossible; it’s that most people believe or expect that their connection will last without working at it. Nothing could be further from the truth. Most of the couples who see us have insidiously drifted apart because they did not know this.

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Extraordinary couples understand that they will succeed only if they consciously choose to make their relationship the highest priority, they commit to doing the work, and they actively love each other. They work on accepting and accommodating their differences. When problems arise, they turn toward each other instead of away to a friend or family member. They seek out resources and help, like counseling, when they get stuck and can’t resolve issues.

2. Extraordinary couples compassionately understand themselves and each other. Partners may come to a relationship with little or no understanding about their baggage, such as how their background and upbringing may create problems in their relationship. Whether she knows it or not, the woman who grew up abandoned by her father will undoubtedly at some point feel abandoned by her husband—like when he wants to go away with the guys for the weekend. She may experience strong anxiety about him leaving and not recognize that the strength of her fear is due to her “baggage” sneaking up on her. Not understanding how her history is being triggered, they fight about him going away without her.

Extraordinary couples are aware of the baggage they bring to their relationships. They are sensitive to their partners’ history and support each other when baggage gets in the way. They express empathy, understanding, and gratitude to each other and don’t take each other for granted. When conflict arises, they own their part of the problem, work through it as a team, and are able to apologize and forgive.

3. Extraordinary couples are vitally connected in head, heart, and hormones. In the beginning of relationships, most couples have a balance of the “head, heart, and hormone” connection—which is to say they are doing a lot of communicating, expressing their feelings to each other, and having sex. After marriage, when couples get busy and have less time, and especially after children, these connections may start to fade, and unless the couple nurtures them, they may slowly starve to death. The marriage unwittingly becomes last on the list, couples begin to take each other for granted, and they stop actively loving each other. We often hear presenting issues such as:

• “I feel like we are just roommates. We get along but don’t have sex.”
• “I love her, but I’m not ‘in love’ anymore.”
• “We have nothing in common but the kids.”

Extraordinary couples nurture and grow their communication, their loving feelings for each other, and their sexual connection. They make time to talk assertively and actively listen, and they embrace and manage conflict. They learn each other’s love languages and create romantic situations that stoke their sexual attraction. They create time for the relationship away from children and make sure nothing intrudes on the couple’s boundaries.

Having a lifetime relationship takes a tremendous investment of time, energy, and emotion. No one tells us this when we get married. That’s likely part of the reason about half of marriages fail. If only we were given the job description and understood what it takes, maybe we could decrease that percentage.

How does your relationship rate in the three areas above? Share this with your partner and then get to work on creating your extraordinary relationship. We are here to support you.

Editor’s note: Tammy Nelson, PhD, is the author of The New Monogamy and Getting the Sex You Want. Her continuing education presentation for GoodTherapy.org, titled Couples in Recovery After Infidelity: Creating a New Monogamy, is scheduled for 9 a.m. PDT on September 6. The event is good for 1.5 CE credits and is available at no cost to GoodTherapy.org members. For details, or to register, please click here.

“Lovesickness” means you have fallen hard. Or perhaps you love someone you can’t have. Or, worse, you have lost someone you desperately want back.

Being lovesick hurts and feels awesome at the same time. It is a romantic stage of love, a feeling so familiar because we see it in seemingly every movie, hear it in seemingly every song, and read it in seemingly every poem. Lovesickness is common in every culture in the world. In almost every story ever told, in every Disney movie, and in every vampire novel, there is an undercurrent of love or loss of love. Our longing for love and the “sickness” that comes from falling in and out of it are what make up our idea of romance.

Longing—the desire for another—and the terrible and obsessive feelings it brings are what we learn from an early age to expect when we fall in love. Wanting or longing is our cultural imperative. I want what I cannot have, either because you are from the wrong side of the tracks, the wrong family, I am alive and you are dead, or some variation on the theme. In the end, we find each other somehow. Love always prevails, and we are happy, even for a moment. When love is lost, we cry and the world cries with us. The loss of love is a universal pain, as is the joy of finding it.

New love can feel like addiction. If you put someone in an MRI machine when they are newly infatuated and look at his or her brain scan, the same portions of the brain light up as those that are triggered when high on cocaine. When in romantic love, or the limerence phase, the brain is overloaded with dopamine and norepinephrine production, which creates symptoms similar to obsessive compulsion. They include sleeplessness, restlessness, and obsession. Impulsive behaviors such as driving by the lover’s house, or sleeping with the phone waiting for a call, seem illogical. Longing to be with that person all the time, regardless of other responsibilities, precludes all logical thoughts. People with lovesickness often experience intense sexual feelings for that person and can feel desperate to see the person and to touch him/her constantly.

We may feel intense grief, frustration, and sadness when we can’t be with the person. When we get scared and worry we are losing our love interest, we might actually become physically ill. Depression can increase, and cravings for things such as ice cream or chocolate are common due to the serotonin levels changing in the brain. When our brain chemicals are disrupted, if our love object breaks up with us or if we are separated during this falling-in-love phase, we might become more obsessive and do things we never dreamed of, including parking in their neighborhood or outside their homes. At this point, those who are more unstable might even turn dangerous, breaking into homes, stealing belongings, or checking computers and phones. Jealousy, intense suspicion, and even violence can increase in people who have these tendencies.

If the relationship continues in a normal, happy way and real love kicks in, the relationship moves into the attachment phase. Dopamine levels in the brain begin to level off. Both people start to relax as levels of oxytocin and vasopressin increase. These chemicals make us want to bond, to cuddle, and to stay home. We stop wanting to see friends or even leave the house. Sex wins out over socializing, and if we’re not careful, we might get married and begin procreating.

Being lovesick can cause great surges of creativity. Some of the greatest songs in history are written at times like these. Creative urges are strong at times of real lovesickness; poets, writers, and artists have known this for ages. Sublimation means turning intense emotions into something else. If you are lovesick, now is the time to write, sculpt, sing, or even start a new workout routine. This will help you take all of the intense energy in your heart (and brain) and channel it into something that will benefit you. Start a journal and write about your feelings. Two years from now, you might read it and think, “Ugh … what was I thinking?” Or you may find you have a wonderful new romantic novel or beautiful new love song.

Does menopause or a hysterectomy quash or quicken your sex life? This question applies not only to those of us who might face these, but also to the romantic partners who love and live with many of us. Since our most important sexual organ is between our ears and not our legs, I believe our interest in sex (libido) is largely dependent on our beliefs about sex and what we can and should expect.

In my practice, I work with many older women who have read about increasing their estrogen levels in order to improve their sexual experiences and increase their sexual desire. Some swear by bioidentical hormones, while some declare that testosterone (T) is their favorite “hormone of desire.” (Susan Rako’s popular book bearing this title swears by T, but she backs her theory with personal anecdotes and no scientific data whatsoever.)

In 1985, researcher Barbara Sherwin wondered if lack of testosterone caused problems with libido. She discovered that administering T to women who had undergone hysterectomies enhanced the intensity of their sexual desire and increased frequency of sexual fantasies. But there was no evidence the hormone had affected their physiological response, so its effect was more motivational than physical.

There have been few well-designed studies of sexual interest in healthy people. Most studies of sexual problems have come from women who consulted their physician because of some health concern and thus had issues of some kind already. When well-known sexologist Alfred Kinsey and his colleagues spoke to women throughout their life cycles, they found that as age increased there was a distinct decline in the frequency of intercourse. But there was no decline in solitary self-pleasuring until well after age 60.

Among people I’ve talked to about sex, I’ve found over the years that men report a greater loss of sexual interest between 45 and 55 than women do; perhaps that’s why some of these women are masturbating! Many women over the course of menopause do report some decrease in intercourse and vaginal lubrication, but not in solitary sexual enjoyment when utilizing one of the many intimate lubricants available. Hooray for the slippery stuff!

A high percentage of our feelings about sex are determined by the culture that surrounds us. I once read about a study of aging women in a small village in Thailand. Some of them experienced a decline in libido, but they celebrated this, perceiving it as a welcome release from having to worry about sex. So while uterine changes may cause some lessening of sexual desire, not everyone experiences it and not everyone who does experience it considers it a problem.

I once worked with a young, single woman who underwent surgical menopause when she was in her late twenties. (I don’t recall whether her ovaries were removed.) She initially lost interest in sex, but when she regained her libido she began to lament that men were no longer interested in dating her. She would sit in my office and weep: “I’ve lost my mojo!” I scoured professional journals and spoke to colleagues about how the surgery might have affected her level of sexual attractiveness or desirability, and finally read about a study of monkeys that showed that males were no longer attracted to females who had hysterectomies. But when vaginal secretions containing pheromones from “intact” females were rubbed on the ones who had hysterectomies, males regained interest.

Pheromone secretion aromas are sexually stimulating, and after hysterectomy they are no longer produced in females. We do, of course, need to be careful about drawing conclusions about human sexuality from animal studies such as this, since so much of our sexuality is psychological and sociological. But popular magazines have recently published findings that seem to show that men “rate” women they’re watching on video who are ovulating as “more attractive” than women of a similar age and appearance who are in other stages of their menstrual cycle.

However, it isn’t as simple as no womb, no pheromones, no sex. Many older women are seen as sexy and are enjoying as much sex as they want. I guess we’re more complicated than monkeys!

We like to think we are good listeners, but I’m smart enough to know that even I miss things. Being a good listener is more than just allowing the other person to speak and you being nearby. You have to take in what the person is saying and sometimes go deeper. You may have to read between the lines, ask questions, and offer support. You may even have to bite your tongue, resist giving suggestions, and just truly listen, reflect what you are hearing, and ask the person if you understand the situation correctly.

Sometimes, you may be confused as to why the other person is sharing with you. Does he or she want you to just be there and listen? Does he or she want your opinion and help in problem-solving his or her struggle? I can tell you that a lot of us guys are great at coming up with ideas for you, so if this is what you are looking for, you may be in for a treat. But what if you need to just vent? It’s OK to get yourself out of an uncomfortable situation (say, a disagreement at work or with a neighbor), know that is not the time or place to sound off, and find a friend or significant other to bend an ear a bit and blow off some steam.

If you are not looking for advice in those moments, it may be important to share this upfront. “Hey! Can I vent with you a little bit?” you might say. “I had a frustrating day at work. I’m not looking for advice right now, but I could really use your support.” This is a perfect start to the conversation. If I am in a position to just listen, I can best support this person without having to come up with a game plan. If I am confused, I can ask questions and even share how I might feel in that situation: “Wow! That sounds frustrating. I can imagine that was not a comfortable moment.” Not that there is a specific way to respond in every situation, but since I care about the other person, the sharer will know of my concern in being there.

The idea of being mindful can be challenging, though. Buddha noted mindfulness as a key to enlightenment. But it takes practice. When I am present for the sharer, I am not thinking about what I am going to do later in the day or about the meal from earlier. I am in that moment with the person, paying attention to what he or she is experiencing, both in actual words and emotion. Unfortunately, I fear our everyday lives are over-full of activities and stressors, both good and bad. We are constantly being bombarded by stimuli—conversations around us, work expectations, family members’ activities, places to go, people to see, television, radio, game systems, a trillion new phone apps, etc.—all competing for our attention. This makes it too easy to drift in and out of conversations with all the ideas in our minds.

We need to resist the urge to drift away from the person or situation at hand, especially if we want to have meaningful relationships in which we feel supported by others and they feel supported by us. If you find it difficult to remain focused, do some reflection on all that is going on in your life and evaluate if there is too much. If so, perhaps you can cut back on some of those things. Even a few reductions may help you both relax more and find it easier to focus on the moment. Furthermore, tools such as meditation and other relaxation techniques can allow you to give your mind a rest for a bit as well as help you better manage stressful times that can command your attention.