GoodTherapy | Is Fear of Rejection Keeping You Single?You are single, feeling good about yourself, looking your best, and decide to go out for a night on the town. In the back of your mind, there is a small nugget of hope that perhaps tonight you will finally meet the person of your dreams and begin the relationship you have been fantasizing about.

As you arrive at the party, bar, or dance club, you settle in to the festive atmosphere and begin to enjoy yourself when you spot that potential mate across the room. Their physical appearance fulfills all your requirements and they appear to be witty, vivacious, and fun as you observe them interacting with their friends.

Suddenly, you find yourself unable to move, your feet stuck to the ground, and all of your desire to connect stymied by a sudden loss of will and resolution. As much as you may wish to follow through and walk the 20 feet across the floor, you find yourself unable to gather up the courage to make what now feels like a million-mile march.

This sudden shift is driven by a common fear among people both LGBT (lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender) and straight: the fear of rejection. Rejection is a concern that many people carry in the dating world, as it can influence one’s ability to make a connection to someone who could potentially be a great friend, a fun fling, or even a partner.

The fear of rejection is often rooted in the misguided belief that we are not good enough for a person. We fear giving that person the power to make us feel foolish or less than in comparison to them. We build a construct around the person we are hoping to meet that makes them better than us, even though this is often not the truth.

[fat_widget_right]

Here is the kicker to the fear of rejection: It is very possible that someone at that same party, bar, or club finds you to be the object of their attraction and is fearful of approaching you because they imagine you will reject them. It might even be that person you were attracted to, the one standing 20 feet away.

This ultimately leads to a room full of people, many attracted to others, and yet all equally fearful to step across the room and introduce themselves. Thus, the room is frozen in a static energy of missed connections.

There is a powerful means to counteract the fear of rejection—and that is by recognizing that almost everyone is being influenced by it. With this knowledge, you can choose to empower yourself and be the person who breaks the shackles of the rejection construct and risks crossing the room to say hello.

By taking this risk, you reveal yourself as someone who is not constrained by social encumbrance, someone who will take the time and energy to reach out for connection. This presentation of self-assurance and risk taking can be quite sexy to the person you are approaching. Confidence is a proven aphrodisiac.

It also helps to make the approach with a deep sense of curiosity about the person rather than being overwhelmed by your preconceived ideas of who this person is based on how they represent themselves in the moment. They may be projecting a little bit of attitude that is founded in their fear of rejection protecting them from harm. If you assume everyone is holding a tiny bit of fear of rejection, it can help you to be kind and gentle in your approach.

As you begin to release your fear of rejection, you will notice that other people begin to find you more approachable, and the potential for deeper connections will begin to blossom.

I really appreciate the authenticity with which you present your situation. The guilt you are feeling for writing in—and even for having the thoughts feelings you have—is palpable.

It is clear how much you love and care for your wife. You express concern about her physical and mental health and feel fearful that she will not survive long enough to grow old with you. This suggests that you want her to be around to grow old with and you know she needs to be healthier, both physically and emotionally, in order for that to happen. That said, you can’t control your wife’s choices and behaviors; you can only control your own choices and behaviors. In that vein, I think it could be helpful for you to consider engaging in your own therapy. You are dealing with fear, shame, guilt, and anxiety about the uncertainty of your marriage. This is a lot to carry around. Therapy can provide a safe place and a strong therapeutic relationship to support you as you sort through these issues.

[fat_widget_relationships_left]

From your description, it does sound entirely possible that your wife could be depressed. She may also benefit from therapy. Again, you can’t control whether she goes to therapy, but you can encourage her to consider it and ask her to do it. If you do decide to enter therapy and you share the benefits of your therapeutic experience with her, she might feel the inspiration and motivation to get started herself. If she doesn’t feel ready for her own individual therapy, maybe she would be willing to go to couples therapy with you or even just come to some sessions with you and your therapist.

Of course, it’s possible your wife won’t change, or even attempt to. It’s understandable that, if this plays out, you may consider walking away from the marriage. It’s also understandable if you decide to stay, in spite of your concerns, because of how you feel about your wife. There’s not really a wrong answer here.

I guess the bottom line is this: You both seem to be hurting, and it seems to be damaging your marriage, but there also seems to be a lot of love here. If you can each make a commitment to working through this to get to a healthier place, you’ll be off to pretty strong start.

Sincerely,
Sarah

unhappy friendsBy the time you’re in your thirties and forties, you’ve met a substantial number of people. A small percentage of that group is made up of people you now call friends. In discussing “friend divorce,” I don’t mean people you see only at work or on Facebook. A friend divorce is when you care enough about yourself and the other person to initiate a difficult conversation wherein you essentially say, “I don’t want you to be a part of my life anymore.”

Before going further, I want to say it takes some confidence and self-worth to make a decision like this. If you considered yourself worthless, you wouldn’t be concerned that someone would be hurt if you cut him or her out of your life. I’m glad you value yourself enough to ensure that people who take up space in your life are doing so because they’ve earned it.

How Do You Know When It’s Time?

Sometimes a friend will do something so shocking that you know that this person cannot remain in your life, but there are also subtler reasons to consider a friend divorce. There’s the friend you’ve known your whole life and your high school days are marked by crazy memories, but now you’re both 37 and your friend’s attempts to relive those antics are embarrassing. There’s the friend who disappeared during a time you were sick or someone close to you died. You may have tried to sort this through with them, but you’re certain that their actions would be no different if a similar situation arose. Other friends might also warrant cutting ties. Do you find that you call or text someone out of obligation or only when you know there’s a clear end to the conversation (e.g., waiting for the bus)? If dread arises when you think about spending time with this person, it’s clear that this is no longer a relationship that brings you joy.

[fat_widget_right]

Six Tips for a Friend Divorce

This is a big step, but once you’ve settled on doing it, there are a few things to remember that may help you move through an admittedly painful and awkward process:

  1. Be direct: Your friend may hear that you need some time or that you’ll catch up next summer. You’ve put a lot of thought into this, so make sure you’re clear: you are ending the friendship.
  2. Expect anger and sadness: Endings stir up difficult feelings. Just because you’ve put a lot of care and concern into this decision doesn’t mean you’ll be thanked at the end of it. This person is losing you, and that’s no small thing. Don’t try to take away their feelings. Allow them, but be prepared for them. Also, remember that this may be come as a surprise to them—especially if their self-involvement is one of the reasons you’re ending the friendship. (And you now have the added bonus that their reaction reminds you why you’re doing this in the first place.)
  3. Expect anger and sadness from yourself: You’re losing a person who meant something to you once. That’s sad. It’s supposed to be.
  4. Be concrete (if you can): If there are specific moments, then this is a good time to point to them. Stay away from saying “you” if you can. The person may negotiate, but they can’t deny an action. You may have already had a conversation about the intentions behind that action; your focus here is the action and that it could happen again.
  5. Let the person know how much they have meant to you and that you’ll be sorry to lose them: This should not turn into, “It’s not you, it’s me.” Honestly, he or she was your friend for a time. There was a reason for that, and chances are it was a good reason. You may need to dig deep, but you don’t want the person feeling that you never cared for them at all.
  6. Let them know the limitations: This seems similar to being direct, and it is, but in the heat of emotions you want to ensure that you set specific boundaries, e.g., “Please do not call me. Do not include me on invitations. I’m not going to say ‘no,’ I’m just not going to respond.”

Saying goodbye under the best of circumstances is difficult, and this is hardly the best of circumstances. The older you are, the more you realize how precious your time is, and a lot of it will probably be spent with people. Make sure those people are the ones you want, the ones who add to your life, and the ones who bring you joy.

Thanks for your question. Boy, that is a doozy of a choice: bankruptcy or divorce. Would you rather lose the arm or the leg? It really does sound like your wife has a shopping addiction or compulsion that needs addressing sooner rather than later. As an addiction specialist, here are the (somewhat unsavory) choices I see you facing. The crux of it is this: get help … for both you and your wife. You are in a seriously traumatic situation, facing several imminent losses, and I would therefore suggest you:

  1. Find a couples counselor with experience in addiction. To make sure the counselor has this experience, ask him or her to give you a treatment plan for a couple where one is addicted. A good counselor will ask both parties to get help; a competent counselor understands that addiction (or destructive compulsion such as constant overspending) is a family issue. You are experiencing the trauma of facing bankruptcy and/or the loss of your partner, which is frightening to say the least (and probably causes strong resentments and/or fears, which is but one reason support for you is crucial). An inexperienced counselor will say, “Welp, not much you can do except get a divorce lawyer or cut up the credit cards.” You might want to consult with a divorce attorney, just for information’s sake—like tips on how to protect yourself financially—but I honestly don’t think that’s the most important thing initially. I think the most important thing is that you realize your wife has something akin to an addiction (or manic behavior, which often involves highly compulsive behaviors)—and that you take care of yourself, to ensure you make the calmest, most reasonable decisions possible. Even if she doesn’t agree to the couples counseling, I suggest you …
  2. Get yourself a therapist who understands addictions, for an outlet to vent, complain, cry, whatever … so that you can find some calm and at least passing serenity, to listen to what your heart and intuition are telling you. Otherwise, you will be acting out of reactivity and rage (or terror) and may make rash decisions you regret. Your wife needs help, and for your own conscience’s sake, you probably want to at least give her the opportunity to get help. You can search GoodTherapy.org for couples counselors and individual therapists.
  3. Attend a few Al-Anon meetings. Now, Al-Anon technically is for people who have a friend or family member “whose drinking or sobriety is bothering” the attendee. However, people in Al-Anon usually have very good experience with boundaries, and setting boundaries with compassion and detachment rather than a flamethrower. (Rage and resentment are completely understandable reactions, of course; it’s the decisions and actions taken I’m focusing on here.) You can share at the meeting in a general way about “my wife’s addiction” or talk to people afterward; I’d be surprised if at least a handful didn’t offer some practical, experienced suggestions.
  4. I would also look into a recovery program designed for precisely the issue you and your wife face: compulsive debting. Debtors Anonymous was created to help those who behave exactly like your wife. Here is their website, in case you want to go to a meeting to talk to some members for guidance or get some literature. You can, of course, mention this program to your wife, but I’d suggest you either go with her or go on your own to find out about one possible approach to treating this compulsive “debting.”

[fat_widget_left]

You may decide these meetings are not right for you or your situation in the long run, but if you try and listen with an open mind, you will hopefully discover you’re not alone in this, and many individuals and couples have recovered from a seemingly hopeless situation.

Which brings me to the emotional side of this. After you’ve tried some or all of the above, you’ll want to sit down with your wife and say, in as caring a way as possible, you are very concerned and would like her to get help (as in couples counseling or individual therapy). If she refuses, you may bring up the other tough choices you’re looking at. The point is, the current situation is intolerable, and you’re taking action and suggest she does the same. (This way you’re both doing something, and she’s “following along” rather than being shamed or cajoled into anything.) In other words, you feel you both need to do something different or you’re both heading for the poorhouse. You can stress how much this is hurting you. (Use “I feel” rather than “you” statements; as in “I feel terrified,” “I feel hurt” by her unwillingness to stop, etc.) This is harder than it sounds, which is why the support for you is so crucial. Your wife may need your help if she first refuses help then later “hits bottom” in realizing she is in fact drowning.

You may be thinking “why is she doing this to me,” but that might not be necessarily the case, or the whole of it. She may need treatment for mania, or is avoiding some kind of trauma, or is somehow addicted to the powerful “high” of shopping (much more common in our hyper-materialist culture than people realize). But my bottom line for you, since you have so wisely reached out for help, is to stabilize and soothe yourself in the midst of this traumatic chaos, and then have the conversation with her or begin contemplating the hard decisions.

If you want more information or consultation, feel free to contact me. Thanks again for writing. I hope your wife agrees to get the help she needs.

Kind regards,
Darren

Park-in-the-fallI am an introvert. Both of my daughters, now grown, are extroverts. When the second was in her mid-teens, I was working very long hours. I would frequently come home, brain fried, and find her waiting to tell me all the things that had happened during her day. I would try to listen, but more often than not I did not have the energy to do so.

One evening, after a few minutes I apologized and told her I was really tired and needed to just sit and read. She was more hurt and confused than angry. She said, “Daddy, I do not understand. You listen to others all day long, but when you come home you do not want to listen to me.”

I felt bad, really bad. However, feeling bad did nothing to generate the energy needed to engage. I apologized again and she left the room. I did not understand what was the matter with me. Her statement was so reasonable.

It was during this time, quite by accident, that I became aware of the existence of natural and normal differences in how individuals perceive, process, assign meanings, and respond.

These differences are determined by the degree to which each is:

[fat_widget_right]

The stronger an individual’s response orientation is toward one pole or the other on these dichotomies, the more likely the characteristics and traits known to be common for individuals with that orientation will be present. These differences are natural and normal, present at birth, identifiable at an early age, and do not change much across time.

An individual’s response process may be the same as or quite different from a parent, sibling, significant other, or child. A naturally extroverted parent, for instance, cannot get a naturally introverted child to become more extroverted any more than a naturally introverted parent can get a naturally extroverted child to be more introverted.

My efforts to get my extroverted children to be less talkative were about as successful as my extroverted children’s efforts to get me to be more talkative: close to nil. As best I can tell, the only change that has occurred across time has come from our accepting each other’s natures as a given and accommodating this difference whenever possible.

A number of misperceptions exist regarding the meaning of these differences in response orientations.

Extroverts, for example, tend to view introverts as quiet, shy, withdrawn, maybe depressed, or antisocial, withholding, self-centered, or uninvolved. Introverts tend to view extroverts as talkative, sociable, and friendly, or noisy, needy, intrusive, and either unable or unwilling to listen.

These assumptions regarding the meaning of these response behaviors are usually inaccurate.

Extroverts, in fact:

Introverts, on the other hand:

This information helped me understand my own process as well as that of my daughter in a way that took fault finding out of the equation. A natural disparity existed at the end of the day in what she needed to feel connected to me and what I needed before I could meet her need.

Conversations with her since regarding the nature of this difference have been very helpful. I had always thought I was too self-centered and insensitive, and she had thought there was something wrong with her, that she was too needy. Once we understood that natural differences were the real culprit, we were able to reconnect through an understanding of ourselves and each other.

Seventy percent of the nearly 400 couples I have seen since 2000 have combined an introvert with an extrovert. The information provided above has helped many move from never-ending debates over right and wrong to identifying ways to accommodate and compromise when differences lead to disagreements.

Misperceptions are also common regarding response orientations on the other three dichotomies.

  1. Individuals who automatically process information from a literal frame of reference, from noting what is happening in the moment within the context of past experience, are not usually rigid or lacking in imagination. They are simply wired to provide practical responses to what is happening in the moment. And individuals who automatically process information from a possible-meanings context are not usually unrealistic or unable to face facts. They are simply wired to explore alternative possibilities for meaning and application to future situations.
  2. Individuals who naturally come to conclusions based on objective assessments of cause and effect are not usually insensitive or uncaring. They are simply designed to draw conclusions logically, a process that requires feelings to be experienced in a more neutral manner. And individuals who automatically factor in how others will, or may, feel when making decisions are not usually emotionally weak or unstable. They are simply wired to make decisions in a way that minimizes disruption of harmony in human relationships.
  3. Individuals who naturally plan and structure life events are not usually inflexible or controlling. They are simply wired to plan events in a manner that minimizes the possibility of the unexpected happening. And individuals who naturally respond more in the moment as events play out are not usually immature, irresponsible, or unreliable. They are simply wired to respond more spontaneously as events play out and provide optimum creative adaptations when the unexpected does occur.

There appears to be a yin-yang aspect to these dichotomy-specific differences; responses that can appear contradictory but are actually interdependent and complementary, with each covering one part of that dichotomy’s whole that the other cannot. In my experience, understanding the meaning of these differences leads to increased self-acceptance as well as acceptance of those who naturally differ.

Feeling angry is an incredibly natural response to the feelings of betrayal that come from infidelity. Your husband broke your trust. Your relationship has been damaged. All of this is very real and comes with legitimate emotional reactions.

Anger is a powerful emotion, and it can mask other feelings. I’m guessing you are also tremendously hurt. Anger may feel like a safer way to manage your pain, but it will slow your healing. Admitting and confronting the pain behind the anger is essential, and it requires vulnerability—which is hard when you are dealing with this kind of breach of trust.

[fat_widget_relationships_left]

Time, of course, helps in the healing process. I wonder, though, what it is you might need from your husband to help you with that healing. I’m guessing that right now apologetic words and acts of contrition are not helping you let go and move on. Often, when we have been hurt, we need to feel that the other person truly understands the pain we are experiencing and gets how serious the emotional pain and betrayal really are. Your husband may think he has accepted responsibility and gets how hurt you are, but it can take time for the empathy you need to feel from him to actually be heard and felt in a meaningful way. Until that happens, the rest of the healing—grieving, letting go, reconnecting—can’t really move forward.

There are many ways people choose to apologize, and some really are better than others. “I’m sorry” alone rarely makes us feel better. “I’m sorry for everything” can also feel general and unsatisfying. If, however, we hear, “I’m sorry for doing [specific action] and making you feel [accurate reflection of feeling],” we can feel understood and see that person showing empathy and taking responsibility, which helps us move forward.

While you are waiting to feel that empathy, however, there are steps you can take to reduce your distress. Although your husband’s actions created this situation, his actions alone won’t necessarily change it. Ultimately, that is because other people cannot make us feel a certain way—we have a part in choosing our own reactions. What we feel often comes from the meaning we make of an event. What does this affair mean to you? What are you telling yourself about it?

For example, are you telling yourself that his affair means he doesn’t love you or doesn’t love you enough? Are you dealing with fear that it will happen again? Are you stuck on the message, “I didn’t deserve this. How could he do this to me? This isn’t right”? By uncovering those messages, you can look at the ones that are keeping you stuck in a place of anger and work to let those go. This will take time and work. You can’t just flip the angry/not angry switch. Having an open conversation with your husband about the time you need to work through your thoughts and feelings can be helpful. Letting him know what you need from him during that time can help engage him in the healing process and also start the two of you working toward becoming partners again.

One common message that betrayed spouses struggle with is, “It’s not fair. He/She had an affair and ‘gets away’ with it because I want to stay married.” That is a fallacy that keeps you stuck in an angry, resentful place. In truth, nobody is getting away with anything. Both of you have lost the relationship you had. You are suffering, and he is likely aware that his actions are at the root of that suffering. If he cares about you, that awareness is a source of pain for him. Also, you “get” to be the forgiving spouse, and he is stuck being the one who “did you wrong.” That’s not a fun role to play no matter how deserved it might be. I don’t say this to minimize your pain. You are entitled to feel angry and hurt. If, however, you are able to recognize that he may be in pain as well, you may have an opportunity to connect with each other.

The past cannot be undone. So, you are faced with a choice. If you truly want to stay with him and rebuild a relationship together, you are going to need to choose to let it go. You are going to have to focus on the good that is between you, to let the balance of a life together outweigh the pain of infidelity. You are going to have to connect with each other on a deeper level and recognize that you are both suffering without focusing on laying blame for that suffering at his feet.

The impulse to lash out and hurt when we’ve been hurt is very human but ultimately not helpful if you want to reconnect. You say you don’t want to lose him, but something has been lost. The relationship you had prior to the affair is lost. It is OK to need some time to grieve that loss. It is also OK (and I strongly recommend) that you get some help with all of this. I urge you and your husband to find a couples counselor who can work with you on how to reconnect after an affair. You can build something together, and it can be something beautiful, but it will be something new. You cannot go back to the place you were before, and wishing for that is going to keep you stuck in this place of pain and, yes, anger.

Best of luck,
Erika

GoodTherapy | 18 Qualities of a Marriage Built to LastHow do you stay married? One way is to be sensitive to each other’s needs and to compromise every now and then. That means taking turns getting one’s way, or finding a third way that suits you both.

I bought tickets to a concert months ago; I bought them because I’m the one who wanted to go, and my husband acquiesced because he is a good sport, better than I am. But when the time came to go (actually, the night before), I saw he wasn’t feeling that great and the concert promised to be a brawl anyway so I suggested we stay home. He agreed immediately because he thought I was tired, he said, even though we must have both known he felt lousy too and never really wanted to go in the first place. He told me he was skipping the concert for my sake. He’s done this before, where he indicates he’s doing something for me but it’s really for him. Occasionally I point that out, but this time I didn’t. And he was right; I was tired. This spring has been a rough time in many ways for us both, and I’m not talking about the weather.

I had bought the tickets looking forward to us having a good time together, but now I didn’t think it would be fun with him punky and me tired, although I felt disappointed. I knew someone who would probably like to go to the concert, so I gave her the tickets and got to be generous twice with one gesture. It all added up: two tickets minus two people who didn’t want to go plus two other people who did want to go equals four happy campers. My math may not be that good, but you get the idea.

[fat_widget_right]

Relationships are not logical like math. The numbers don’t always add up; they are about the space between people, the back-and-forth flow, feeling the whole being of the other. That takes time, determination, an open heart, and a sensitive touch.

Oh, and by the way, on the day of the concert I was very busy and tired and glad to have an early evening. When work was over, my husband and I met at a local restaurant, had a lovely dinner together, and went home feeling happy and connected. We had found the third way, a low-key evening that pleased us both.

Eighteen qualities that help make a marriage last:

  1. Trust. Our marriage space is sacred and private.
  2. Restraint. We resist temptation and remain true to each other.
  3. Intimacy. We are open with each other.
  4. Priorities. We both put our marriage first.
  5. Difference. We respect each other’s differences, and know that difference lends interest.
  6. Sameness. We share basic values, some interests, and tastes.
  7. Communication. We speak up and communicate our needs, likes, dislikes, agreements, and disagreements.
  8. Fairness. We play fair.
  9. Respect. We demonstrate it.
  10. Emotion. We get mad at each other sometimes; we are human.
  11. Reconnection. We get un-mad. If it takes a day or so, we live with it and work on letting the anger go.
  12. Humor. Having a sense of humor helps.
  13. Gratitude. We are so glad to be together, and we say so.
  14. Truthfulness. If we have to say something that might be hard for one of us to hear, we tell the truth, and we try to say it gently and clearly so that the other person can hear it.
  15. Sensitivity. We know where the buttons are and are careful not to push them.
  16. Persistence. Staying married takes time, determination, and hard work.
  17. Forgiveness. For your partner and for yourself, too.
  18. Teamwork. We help each other grow.

I’m sure there are many other qualities that you can think of that help a marriage stay healthy and alive, and I’d love to hear from you. What things do you and your partner consider important? How long have you been together? We first met in 1980 and have been together ever since.

Thank you for this question. Handling the extroversion/introversion combination in a couple is something that many couples face. I’ve seen it quite frequently in my practice. Your “opposites attract” reference makes a lot of sense to me in understanding this dynamic. In the early days of dating, the extrovert/introvert match can create a certain ease in the interaction—the introvert can sit back, observe, and reflect on how he/she is experiencing the date while the extrovert can process his/her experience of the date by talking, sharing, asking questions, and driving the conversation. After the first couple of dates, the introvert can go home and quietly reflect and the extrovert can go home and talk about the date with friends and family.

[fat_widget_left]

Everything moves along quite smoothly until casual dating turns into a more serious relationship. At this point, some of the challenges of the introversion/extroversion combination start to become clearer. That seems to be where you and your boyfriend are now. Like most extroverts, it sounds like you thrive on having a very active social life and you want your boyfriend to be a part of that social life. But, like most introverts, he probably thrives in a quieter environment with more solitude.

Extroverts tend to have a preference for, and gain energy, by engaging in an external world of people and things. Introverts tend to have a preference for, and gain energy by, engaging in an internal world of thoughts and ideas. It’s important to understand this concept because it can help both of you avoid taking these things personally. Absent this understanding, your boyfriend might feel controlled and scheduled by your attempts to include him in your social life, and you might feel rejected by his hesitation. Another benefit of fully understanding this concept lies in the word preference—neither of you is dealing with an inability here, and that means you can both compromise. For example, when you are hosting, maybe your boyfriend can be there for an hour or two and then he can slip out and return when the gathering is over. Or perhaps there can be an agreed-upon limit on the frequency or duration of the gatherings.

I think open and honest communication is going to be the key here. If you two can develop a deeper understanding of where you are each coming from and the role that your preferences toward introversion and extroversion are playing, you’ll likely be able to come up with some compromises that feel agreeable. Working through this process together may even improve and deepen the relationship that you have with each other. If you find you are having trouble getting through these conversations on your own, consider enlisting the help of a couples therapist. I know you mentioned your boyfriend was not interested in individual therapy, but perhaps he would be agreeable to couples therapy that focused on addressing this issue in your relationship.

Best wishes,
Sarah

That girl in your head—she was your first love, perhaps? And your first heartache too? You still have feelings for her, it seems, and I think that while she may have many wonderful features, she built a life with someone else, not you. You don’t know what her life is from the inside, so it’s easy to make it seem ideal. It may or may not be.

Also, she dumped you six weeks after you joined the military. First off, she might have dumped you anyway—you first got together in high school, a time when relationships can be flimsy and fleeting. It’s part of growing up.

Why do you wake up every day with her in your head? I’m guessing it’s not her so much as it is you and her together, the way you were 40 years ago—young, hopeful, naive, the world opening before you. You shared the exciting spirit of beginnings, but I wonder how long that would have lasted even if you hadn’t joined the military.

[fat_widget_left]

The world seems closed to you now. You say no one loves you or knows you deep down. Your wife had two affairs, and you have been having a kind of fantasy mind affair with that girl, the ineffable first-time perfect girl. She stands between you and your life. You are holding her in between yourself and your life. What you had together for a short time 40 years ago stands between you and your real life, and it is taking the place of your real life. It’s time for you to dump her and live now. There’s no do-over.

Your two kids, you seem to suggest, are teenagers or young adults, and only interested in your money, not in you. Perhaps that’s true, I don’t know. I’m not sure you know, either, since you live with a curtain that blocks the reality of yourself in your life in this moment.

Why do people torture themselves with visions of a perfect past, a wonderful experience, that doesn’t exist? Why do you? Are you afraid of your life now, of looking at who and where you are now? Is it painful?

Perhaps you’re unhappy because where you are now is not where you would like to be. You can’t go back 40 years, obviously, but you can look ahead to the future and see what kind of life you would like to craft for yourself, what you need to do to make it real, to build a life for yourself—no matter your age—that is rooted in the present so it can be satisfying and genuine.

How can you do that? You can look deep inside yourself. You can go to therapy, or to group therapy, and dig hard and come alive.

I wish you luck, love, and satisfaction.

All my best,
Lynn

Thank you for your letter. This kind of issue comes up frequently with couples, particularly early on in one’s marriage or partnership. It often involves a topic that has potent but conflicting meanings for the people involved. A classic, somewhat stereotypical example is the guy who is a fanatic for his home team and MUST watch the game. His spouse (or partner, I use the words interchangeably here) may roll her (or his) eyes or argue or whatnot; clearly, each person sees the activity or event differently. It may be the same for a woman who just HAS to see Bruno Mars or Dave Matthews or Prince for the first or umpteenth time, or buy those Jimmy Choos at 25% off.

In this case, the symbolic “event” or activity revolves around something even more potentially charged with meaning: alcohol and drinking. Alcohol is symbolically loaded (no pun intended) for many who have complicated histories with drinking and corollary activity. I’d be interested—were I your couples counselor (and this is all conjecture, mind you)—to know the roots of your wife’s concerns. Did she have a former partner who drank too much and/or cheated on her? You say, “I don’t think she trusts me,” which to me hints that there hasn’t been a direct conversation about this. It’s striking how often couples don’t communicate directly with each other, usually because we’ve never learned how to in our own families. It helps to speak one’s concerns directly to your partner—how you feel about it—for the purpose of understanding first, before “winning” the argument. Because it has to be win-win (or else it’s lose-lose).

[fat_widget_relationships_left]

Listening is, in a way, even more important than direct expression of emotion; try to “mirror” the other person’s point of view emotionally, without interjecting commentary or editorializing, which means you might say, “I hear you saying it bothers you when I do this because (fill in the blank).” “It sounds like you’re feeling worried or frustrated about (blank).” Focus on the feelings, and don’t worry just yet about finding a compromise or solution (or “proving” your point). I find that couples often find such answers organically once their heart-centered listening is in place. It sounds like she really values her connection with you (a wonderful thing) and gets anxious about whatever this activity symbolizes for her. Perhaps her best friend’s husband hit on a girl at a bar and they broke up. Perhaps her dad was a womanizer, or ignored her mom by hanging with his buddies at the pub … and so on. (Hold Me Tight by Sue Johnson is a good book on this, by the way.)

I would also encourage her to listen to you and what these evenings mean for you. Rather than get into a tug-of-war power struggle—yes I will go, no you won’t, you’re not the boss, etc.—I would first suggest you reflect on why this is important, then communicate this to your wife. It sounds like this has become a necessity for you, and that raises my curiosity. What is it about this activity that feels essential (versus, say, a round of golf or a movie)? Both you and your wife would need to understand that before it’s “taken” from you. Maybe you had a controlling ex-partner, or maybe you saw your father controlled by your mom, which created marital strife, or maybe you believe your wife is overreacting or patronizing. Most people don’t like to be told what to do—or rather, “feel” like they’re being told what to do. (Often, requests, needs, or feelings are either stated or misinterpreted as demands.) The first step would be to state these feelings to her while keeping the focus on you and your feelings, rather than, “You’re being a controlling pain when you (blank).” Then she might try reflecting this back to you, so you each “try on for size” the other’s perspective without trying to negate, shoot it down, etc.

I had a tiny niggling intuition while writing this column that maybe your wife feels like ONLY a few rounds with the lads does the trick—while she’s kept at a distance. Perhaps her anxiety about being distant leads to you somehow feeling over-controlled (the classic pursue/avoid game). Perhaps she feels excluded (while you feel controlled and perhaps criticized). My hope is that after you share your feelings, you find an activity together. Maybe your wife could join you for a round one of those nights; maybe you could have people over to your house to watch the game. The guys can watch the game while the gals either join in or do something else. Or have a weekly barbecue. Something inclusive. There’s a very either/or tone to what you’re describing and a separateness that may be at the heart of what’s bothering your wife, who obviously wants to share your experience with you—togetherness and sharing are essentials for healthy long-term relationships. You’re both right, and both points of view need to be honored to prevent corrosion to the relationship. Hope that helps! Thanks for writing!

Kind regards,
Darren

girl on train listening to musicIf you like to listen to music, you’re probably familiar with the intense flurry of emotion that can come when you hear a song that precisely fits the mood you’re in—a song that perfectly captures what you’re thinking and feeling. You might have organized playlists to turn to in order to create such an experience, securing instant access to songs that can meet your needs.

You’re not alone if one of those playlists is suited for heartache. Many of us turn to music after breakups, whether this music is muffled from under a tear-soaked blanket, blasted through running earbuds, or belted from the diaphragm.

A breakup is a loss, so it evokes everything that comes with loss: confusion, denial, longing, anger, depression, despair. Through all this chaos, heartbreak can magnify our needs for comfort, support, and understanding. One way we can meet those needs is through music.

Pain Relief: How Music Supports You at the End of the Road

For decades, researchers have been examining the pain-relieving effects of music, and for good reason: a considerable amount of research supports the notion that music can have positive effects on listeners in pain.

[fat_widget_right]

In one study, published in 2006, Mitchell and McDonald induced pain by having participants immerse their hands in ice water. They found participants who listened to music of their choosing could withstand pain for significantly longer than those who listened to music chosen by the experimenters or no music at all. In a 2008 study, Mitchell, McDonald, and Knussen found listening to music also decreased study participants’ levels of anxiety when the researchers induced pain.

Researchers are investigating the mechanics underlying the impact of music on coping with pain. In a 2010 study by Salimpoor et al., participants were asked to bring along music they found moving. The researchers then examined functional MRI scans of participants and found significant increases of dopamine, the neurotransmitter involved in reward and pleasure, in the brain at the moments that participants were deeply moved by the music they chose. The dopamine increase started even in preceding moments, when the participants started to anticipate these poignant parts of their songs.

Have you ever gotten the chills while listening to music? Salimpoor et al. suggest this dopamine rush is responsible.

Music can have soothing and moving effects on us, including actual physiological reactions in our brains. Neuroscientists are continuing to research this topic, learning more about the way music affects our brains and shapes our experiences. But what we know so far indicates what many of us recognize intuitively: listening to music you love can alleviate some of the hurt in your heart.

Why, then, are we drawn specifically to breakup music? If any music we enjoy can give us a dopamine boost, why do we look to breakup songs to help us feel a little better?

Song Lyrics: How Words Remind Us We Will Survive

Have you ever been so overwhelmed with feelings you just didn’t want to talk about them? Intense emotion can make you feel lost—stuck in a place where you may not know how to tame the tornado of thoughts and feelings inside of you and order them into tidy words.

The lyrics of a good breakup song can help you express thoughts and feelings often difficult to articulate otherwise. You may not even know how you feel before you hear it stated perfectly in a song. At a time when it can be difficult to organize your thoughts—let alone communicate them to others—hearing, “How can you mend a broken heart?” can suddenly give you clarity about the anguish you’ve been dealing with: it’s a broken heart! The lyrics of a song can bring unresolved, unspoken, unknown thoughts to the surface and bring you closer to understanding what is happening inside of you.

On top of realizing how you are feeling, it can be powerfully validating to hear someone express thoughts and feelings similar to yours. You learn even though you are hurting, you are not alone in an abyss of misery built only for you. You’re grieving, and that’s a human reaction to losing love. That experience doesn’t isolate you. In fact, it connects you to the people around you.

Coldplay and Carole King and Lauryn Hill can help you remember that.

References:

  1. Mitchell, L. A., & MacDonald, R. A. (2006). An experimental investigation of the effects of preferred and relaxing music listening on pain perception. Journal of Music Therapy, 43(4), 295-316.
  2. Mitchell, L. A., MacDonald, R. A., & Knussen, C. (2008). An investigation of the effects of music and art on pain perception. Psychology of Aesthetics, Creativity, and the Arts, 2(3), 162-170.
  3. Salimpoor, V. N., Benovoy, M., Larcher, K., Dagher, A., & Zatorre, R. J. (2011). Anatomically distinct dopamine release during anticipation and experience of peak emotion to music. Nature Neuroscience, 14, 257-262. doi:10.1038/nn.2726

toy left at grave siteThe death of a child is one of the most difficult and traumatic events that a parent can encounter, one that will shape emotional experiences over the lifespan. Parents will encounter a wide range of emotions that will, in most cases, fundamentally change who they are. They will experience not only intense grief but also regret, remorse, and guilt about not being able to protect their child.

The emotions experienced by parents with regard to the loss of a child are due, in large part, to individual and social beliefs about parenting and the roles of parents. The death of a child erases what many parents view as a fundamental certainty: that they will outlive their children. Although there are no certainties in life, the assumption that a parent will outlive his or her child is one that is clearly taken for granted. Further, because a parent’s identity is integrally tied to his or her child, the death will alter the way the parent looks at and experiences the world. Children change the way parents look at the world and themselves. A child’s identity often becomes an integral part of the parent’s lived experiences, views on life, and personal understanding. Thus, when a child is lost, a significant part of the parent can be lost as well.

The death of a child, to many, may seem like an insurmountable event. Parents may experience extreme difficulty in moving on and may, for a long time, be unable to connect with others. Parents may choose to isolate themselves and, for a time, this may be helpful. However, parents are social beings who sooner or later will need to reconnect with the world around them, either through work or through their community. When this does not occur naturally, help and support from a counselor may be needed to help the parent come to terms with the loss and to begin the healing process.

[fat_widget_grief_right]

The healing process may also include other activities that are integral to the well-being of the parent as part of a larger social community. As a parent begins to heal, he or she may seek out relationships, and, in time, may decide to marry or have additional children. For some, the prospect of having another deeply emotional relationship may seem too difficult. For others, these relationships may provide an important support for coping and healing. The decisions made by the parent should be respected, as each person will need to come to terms with loss in his or her own way. By enabling parents to grieve in the best way they see fit, true healing can occur.

The decision to marry following the death of a child is one that is deeply personal and requires the parent to consider his or her emotional state and readiness for this transition. Again, it is important to remember that each individual grieves in his or her own way. Some parents will be ready and able to move on with their lives before others. Accepting this and recognizing differences in grieving will help parents and their supporters to come to terms with personal decisions made following the death of a child. No matter what decisions are made, they must be respected by others and viewed as part of the healing process.

Parents experiencing emotional distress or uncertainty after the loss of a child should seek the help of a professional counselor to help them understand their emotions and to make positive choices moving forward. The help and support of counselors should also be sought if the individual is experiencing emotions that are detrimental to personal well-being and health (such as suicidal ideation, depression, etc.). The decision to marry following the death of a child carries with it the possibility for additional loss through divorce. Therefore, making this decision with proper support is advisable.

Important Notice

GoodTherapy is not intended to be a substitute for professional advice, diagnosis, medical treatment, or therapy. Always seek the advice of your physician or qualified mental health provider with any questions you may have regarding any mental health symptom or medical condition. Never disregard professional psychological or medical advice nor delay in seeking professional advice or treatment because of something you have read on GoodTherapy.