frightened womanDo you live in fear and anxiety? Do you think they protect you? They may—to a degree.

The startle reflex is protective; if we happen to step in front of a moving car, we immediately jump back, and that is a good thing. This reflex originates in the brain stem.

The fight, flight, or freeze response originates in the amygdala in the mid-brain. It is triggered when we sense danger. When we do not feel safe, we react instinctively without being aware of what we just perceived. The amygdala can be compared to a scanner on a submarine that is always on alert for danger. We are mostly unaware that this is happening. If we perceive a threat to our survival or emotional well-being, we generally respond by fighting back, fleeing, or freezing.

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The third level of fear is irrational beliefs and unreasonable expectations. These beliefs are located in our higher brain, the cortex, which is the seat of judgment and executive functioning. Many of our beliefs were formed so early in childhood that they seem like facts that are a part of who we are. Others were adopted later through cultural influences. Challenging or changing these beliefs may bring up more fears and resistance. We are familiar with the way we think and experience and do not know what our world would be like if we changed our beliefs. We can ask ourselves, “Would I rather be right about my way of thinking and collect evidence to prove and validate my beliefs? Or am I willing to challenge my beliefs in a way that would allow me to be happier?”

Anxiety and stress can take a toll on our mental and physical health. At the same time, they can serve us. If we view stress as bad and try to get rid of it, it has a more negative effect. But if we understand it as serving us, the detrimental effects are negated. The degree of fear, stress, or anxiety, and the effect on us, has to do with our beliefs about it. If you’re about to step on stage in front of a few thousand people, do you experience exhilaration, terror, or panic? How you define the event and what you say to yourself about it will determine your stress or relaxation level. Being a little scared but having a lot more excitement may be the best combination for peak performance.

Worry is frequently based on irrational or unreasonable expectations about the future. You may worry about not having enough money. Or you may worry about not being liked, saying or doing the wrong thing, or doubting that you are worthy and valuable. Specific fears or phobias—for example, snakes, bugs, and storms—may also worry you. All of these can haunt you until you find a way to release them. Notice how much you say to yourself, “What if (fill in the blank)?”

Ask yourself, “Do my beliefs protect me or just cause me to feel miserable? Are they beliefs I have chosen or ones I have taken on because that is what others have told me?” Since you decide what to believe, you also decide what not to believe. It is your choice.

Make a list of the things you think you are afraid of or worry about and challenge them. Ask if these are beliefs you chose or ones you just grew up believing because your parents, teachers, church, peers, or media told you it’s what you should think.

Be honest with yourself. It is the only way you are going to get to having more rational, reasonable expectations that bring you more peace and happiness.

When trust becomes difficult or impossible in relationships, the impact can be devastating. Trust is widely regarded as a fundamental psychological concept in the study of relationships, yet for many people, past experiences make trusting others feel dangerous or impossible. Whether stemming from trauma, loss, or early attachment disruptions, trust issues can create cycles of fear, anger, and emotional distance that sabotage the very connections we most need.

For many people, trust issues don’t start with abstract trauma, they start with something painfully concrete: a partner who cheated, suspicious messages discovered late at night, or the sinking feeling that something was off long before the truth came out.

In today’s digital world, breaches of trust aren’t always obvious. Emotional affairs, secret conversations, and boundary violations through texting or social media can quietly erode a sense of safety. Many people searching for help with trust are trying to answer a simple but difficult question: “Why didn’t I see this coming…and how do I trust again?”

This comprehensive guide explores how trust issues develop, their impact on relationships, and evidence-based approaches for healing. If you’re struggling with trust in relationships, know that you’re not alone—and that with the right support, healing is possible.

The Connection Between Trauma and Trust

Trust issues rarely develop in isolation. While major trauma can play a role, many people trace their difficulties back to relationship experiences that felt confusing, invalidating, or deceptive—such as being cheated on, lied to, or repeatedly reassured that nothing is going on when something actually was.

In everyday relationship contexts, trust is often damaged by:

As one therapist explains to a client struggling after parental suicide: “The kind of traumatic grief and loss you’re describing will definitely impact your relationships. Sometimes people who suffer such losses find it hard to sustain the kind of vulnerability and trust an intimate relationship requires… While extreme losses can deeply affect trust, many people experience a similar emotional pattern after betrayal in relationships: You find yourself becoming frightened or angry over the inevitable conflicts of relationships, or over ‘red flags’ that definitely indicate betrayal or abandonment due to the amplified after-effects of your loss.”

Aspects of the traumatic event and certain biological and social factors may make some people more likely to develop PTSD. For instance, previous exposure to adversity and other traumatic experiences, especially in childhood, can increase a person’s chance of developing PTSD later in life.

Common traumatic experiences that impact trust include:

Why Betrayal Feels so Destabilizing

One of the most disorienting aspects of betrayal is not just what happened, but realizing you missed or dismissed signs along the way. Many people describe being blindsided, even when, in hindsight, there were moments of doubt: things that didn’t add up, gut feelings that were pushed aside, or boundaries that weren’t enforced.

This is where trust becomes more than trusting others, it becomes about trusting yourself. If you don’t feel confident that you can recognize problems early or handle the truth when it appears, it becomes much harder to feel safe in any relationship.

How Trust Issues Develop: The Role of Attachment

Our early relationships shape how we understand trust, but you don’t need to know psychological theories to recognize the patterns. If you grew up feeling secure and heard, trust may feel more natural. If your early experiences involved inconsistency, emotional distance, or unpredictability, trust may feel harder to obtain and easier to lose. Relatedly, the attachment theory posits that trust emerges out of a secure parent-child relationship, and these parent-child trust experiences may translate and extend to relationships later in life.

Childhood trauma, including abuse, neglect, and emotional neglect, significantly disrupts emotional development and the attachment process. The maladaptive coping mechanisms formed in response to childhood trauma can persist into adulthood, complicating the ability to trust others and navigate emotional connections. This is particularly relevant in romantic relationships, where attachment styles established in childhood continue to influence relational dynamics.

Insecure Attachment Patterns:

Recent research found that insecure attachment, such as avoidant and anxious dimensions in parent–child attachment, was negatively associated with romantic relationship satisfaction in early adulthood. This matches with attachment theory that early insecure attachment can bring negative impact on later romantic interactions.

Common Signs of Trust Issues in Relationships

Trust issues manifest differently for different people, but common patterns include:

Emotional and Behavioral Signs:

Communication Patterns:

Relationship Behaviors:

The Cycle of Fear and Defensive Behaviors

One of the most insightful observations from therapy work is how “usually beneath anger is hurt, which might explain the intensity of the arguments you describe. You find yourself becoming frightened or angry over the inevitable conflicts of relationships… fear has a way of stoking adrenaline and anger as a way to defend against the terrors of loss and abandonment.”

This fear-anger-sabotage cycle is common in trauma survivors:

The symptoms of PTSD can cause significant distress and interfere with a person’s ability to engage in daily activities, including sleeping and eating. People with PTSD often have co-occurring conditions, such as depression, substance use, or anxiety disorders, which can further complicate relationship dynamics.

Another layer of this cycle is self-doubt. After being hurt or blindsided, many people stop trusting their own judgment: “How did I not see this?” This can lead to either hypervigilance (seeing threats everywhere) or avoidance (not wanting to look too closely at all). Both patterns make trust harder, not just with others, but within yourself.

Trust Issues After Grief and Loss

Loss can be particularly devastating to our ability to trust in relationships. While grief is often associated with death, many people experience a similar process after the loss of a relationship due to betrayal, infidelity, or deception.

*”Thank you so much for writing, and I’m very sorry to hear about your loss… It sounds like you find yourself unintentionally or unconsciously needing to defend against the terror of a repeated abandonment.”*

This response captures something crucial: after significant loss, especially traumatic loss like suicide, the fear of experiencing that pain again can make trusting others feel impossible. Recent clinical trials involving a combined 641 participants with Prolonged Grief Disorder showed that targeted grief-specific psychotherapy demonstrated over 70% effectiveness in resolving symptoms.

Specific impacts of grief on trust:

Darren Haber bio

Trust, Boundaries and Facing Reality

Trust is often thought of as something we give to others, but at its core, it’s also about trusting ourselves to face reality. When boundaries are unclear or difficult to enforce, people may ignore behaviors that feel uncomfortable or explain them away. This isn’t a failure, it’s often a way of protecting the relationship or avoiding painful truths.

But over time, avoiding reality can lead to feeling blindsided. Rebuilding trust, then, isn’t just about finding a trustworthy partner—it’s about strengthening your ability to:

In this sense, trust and boundaries are deeply connected.

Finding the Right Therapeutic Support

One of the most valuable insights about therapy comes from recognizing when treatment isn’t the right fit: “Ideally, we want to feel we’re seeing (and paying) someone who truly ‘gets’ how painful our challenges are (and why, within the context of our life histories), and who offers feedback or options that feel attuned to who we are and what we need at any given phase.”

Research supports several therapy approaches for rebuilding trust, but what matters most to many people is finding a therapist who helps them make sense of their specific experiences—especially around betrayal, boundaries, and self-trust.

Questions to ask yourself about therapy:

“A good therapist will be open to all sorts of feedback, so ask yourself these questions and please do voice your concerns with whomever you’re seeing.”

Building Trust in Relationships: Evidence-Based Approaches

Therapeutic Interventions

Couple therapy research shows that all family members benefit from trustworthy relationships, which result from (a) acknowledging the contributions of deserving family members, (b) engaging in responsible interactions, and (c) ensuring a fair distribution of relational burdens and benefits.

Attachment-Based Interventions:

Interventions that enhance interpersonal trust—perhaps through modeling trustworthy relationships or cognitive restructuring—could mitigate the impact of emotional alienation with parents on relational avoidance. Programs in college counseling or family therapy could include trust-building exercises to help young adults become more open and secure in romantic relationships.

Trauma-Informed Approaches:

Couples Therapy Approaches:

Building Trust Gradually: Practical Steps

For Individuals:

For Partners of Trust-Challenged Individuals:

“This really is impossible to do on your own… keep looking until you find the support that your heart and gut tell you is right.”

When to Seek Professional Help

To meet the criteria for PTSD, a person must have symptoms for longer than 1 month, and the symptoms must be severe enough to interfere with aspects of daily life, such as relationships or work. It is important for people with PTSD symptoms to work with a mental health professional who has experience treating PTSD.

Seek professional help if:

Crisis Resources:

Hope for Healing

“You have the courage to reach out and seek help, and that’s a noble thing… I can assure you that you’re not alone; so many of the people who come to me for help are wrestling with the same challenges, wrought by actual abandonments that have shattered their emotional lives and made current relationships difficult, if not impossible.”

Trust is responsive to important events and activities occurring within the confines of the relationship. That is, the major issues and themes in focus at the given period of a relationship’s development might give insight into the contents by which people construct their trust for their partner.

This means that trust can be rebuilt, even after significant trauma. With the right support, therapeutic intervention, and gradual practice, people can learn to trust again—both others and themselves.

For many people, healing begins when the focus shifts from “Can I trust someone else?” to “Can I trust myself to handle whatever happens?”

“Take it one day at a time, one hour at a time (fear tends to get us way into the future), and keep looking until you find the support that your heart and gut tell you is right.”

References:

  1. Camanto, O. J., Campbell, L., Stanton, S. C. E., & Others. (2025). Trust in close relationships revisited. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 42(9), 2516–2544. https://doi.org/10.1177/02654075251346105
  2. Daneshpour, M. (2025). Couples therapy and the challenges of building trust, fairness, and justice. Family Process, 64(3), 1–19. https://doi.org/10.1111/famp.12234
  3. Eisma, M. C., de Lang, T. A., Christodoulou, K., Schmitt, L. O., Boelen, P. A., & de Jong, P. J. (2025). Prolonged grief symptoms and lingering attachment predict approach behavior toward the deceased. Journal of Traumatic Stress, 38, 284–295.
  4. Goveas, J. S., & O’Connor, M. F. (2024). Prolonged grief disorder: Unveiling neurobiological mechanisms for a shared path forward. American Journal of Geriatric Psychiatry, 32(5), 535–538.
  5. Krabbendam, L., Sijtsma, H., Crone, E. A., & van Buuren, M. (2024). Trust in adolescence: Development, mechanisms and future directions. Developmental Cognitive Neuroscience, 69, 101426.
  6. National Institute of Mental Health. (2024). Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/post-traumatic-stress-disorder-ptsd
  7. National Institute of Mental Health. (2024). Coping with traumatic events. U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/coping-with-traumatic-events
  8. Papola, D., Miguel, C., Mazzaglia, M., Franco, P., Tedeschi, F., Romero, S. A., et al. (2024). Psychotherapies for generalized anxiety disorder in adults: A systematic review and network meta-analysis of randomized clinical trials. JAMA Psychiatry, 81, 250–259.
  9. Richmond, J., Anderson, A., Cunningham-Erves, J., Ozawa, S., & Wilkins, C. H. (2024). Conceptualizing and measuring trust, mistrust, and distrust: Implications for health equity and building trustworthiness. Annual Review of Public Health, 45(1), 465–484.
  10. Shanoora, A., Halimatusaadia, H., Mohd Abdullah, H., & Mohd Khir, A. (2025). Parent-child attachment and romantic relationship: Is there a relationship between parent-child attachment and young adults’ romantic relationships? The Maldives National Journal of Research, 11, 117–135.
  11. Smith, J. A., Johnson, B. C., & Williams, K. L. (2024). Childhood trauma and attachment styles as predictors of marital satisfaction: A psychosocial perspective from Türkiye. SDGs Review, 5, e06802.
  12. StatPearls. (2025). Grief and prolonged grief disorder. National Center for Biotechnology Information. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK507832/

GoodTherapy | Anxiety and Relationships: Seven Tips to Improve Communication is an important aspect of relationships, which can be incredibly complicated. Being in love doesn’t automatically lead to understanding or responding ideally to another person’s needs. Individuals with anxiety often feel misunderstood or unable to communicate effectively, and they may even avoid situations that require talking about certain topics.

When worry finds its way into your relationship, it can make it difficult to develop or maintain a strong bond with your partner. When you are experiencing fear or anxiety, your tendency may be to push others away, shut down, put up emotional walls, or isolate yourself. It can be a challenge to develop ways to turn to your partner. This can lead to questions, repeated attempts to “understand” what is going on, and this questioning can create feelings of uneasiness or being mistrusted in the anxious person’s partner. Such conflict can leave both partners feeling frustrated or angry.

People with anxiety typically report that their relationships improve once they are able to explain their condition and how it affects them to the important people in their lives.

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Effective reduction strategies can help control anxiety and allow you to challenge your fears more readily. Here are seven basic ones that can help you begin to heal your relationship:

  1. Be honest. Talk about how your partner can support you when you are experiencing anxiety. Discuss how your anxiety creates tension.
  2. Don’t shut down. If you have a tendency to distance yourself from others when you’re anxious, make sure they know that the distancing is due to the anxiety and not them. Let them know it is simply a coping strategy.
  3. Explain what anxiety is and how it impacts you. Describe how it affects your thinking (intrusive and recurring thoughts, effects on decision making) as well as how anxiety manifests in your body (increased blood pressure, muscle tension, sweating). The more specific you can be, the more likely you and your partner will be to develop a plan to address these effects.
  4. Incorporate more movement into your day. Many studies show the physical and emotional benefits of exercise. Some show that regular exercise can be as effective as (or more so than) medication.
  5. Challenge your fears. Identify when you are having fear responses and pinpoint possible triggers. Dissecting your fears can make them seem less formidable.
  6. Listen and reflect. With anxiety, distortions occur. When you are anxious, you may hear only a small portion of what is being said to you before your mind begins to fill in the blanks and get reactive or defensive. By practicing listening skills in nonanxious moments, you can develop skills to use when you become anxious. If you repeat or restate what you heard your partner say, you may listen differently. This can give your partner an opportunity to clarify if your reflection doesn’t match his or her intent.
  7. Increase physical touch: Try to be more physically affectionate (holding hands, kissing, being close). Physical touch has been hardwired into all of us; each of us needs some level of connection. Discussing your touch needs can inspire dialogue that begins to repair any disconnect.

Each time we find the courage to challenge our fears, new opportunities can arise. What are you willing to challenge yourself to do in order to make your relationships better?

Photo of Robert MullerThose who have endured trauma experience unique challenges in coping with life after the fact. It may feel as though no one understands the anxiety, depression, nightmares, flashbacks, and other issues characteristic of posttraumatic stress.

Because of this, people who have experienced trauma tend to avoid intimacy and closeness in relationships. While it may be difficult for a partner, family member, or friend to offer the necessary support, there are professionals who are very familiar with what it takes to heal and recover from a traumatic incident.

Clinical psychologist Robert T. Muller, PhD, wrote a book on the subject: Trauma and the Avoidant Client: Attachment-Based Strategies for Healing, which was published in 2010. As part of our continuing education web conference series, GoodTherapy.org was fortunate enough to have Dr. Muller present on “Engaging the Traumatized Client Who Avoids Closeness and Vulnerability” in April of 2011.

Recently, Dr. Muller, who is also an associate professor at York University in Toronto, Canada, shared some of his insights with us in a written interview on roughly the same topic. Specifically, he reveals the common traits associated with those who have developed avoidance-based coping strategies in response to trauma, and he discusses how to help these individuals in therapy.

GoodTherapy.org (GT): What do you think is the biggest obstacle in overcoming trauma?

Robert T. Muller (RTM): The biggest obstacle is fear. Fear of getting hurt … yet again. Fear that people who seem trustworthy aren’t. It requires great fortitude to open up and take interpersonal risks when you were hurt by the people you trusted most.

GT: Why do people with a history of trauma often have trouble in interpersonal relationships?

RTM: A client of mine once told me, “You live what you know.” When what you know is betrayal, that’s what you live.

GT: What does attachment have to do with trauma?

RTM: Humans naturally seek closeness. Trauma takes away what is most natural, making simple interpersonal contact scary and complicated.

GT: Are trauma survivors more resistant to therapy than other people who seek counseling?

RTM: No, they’re not more resistant. And they can be rewarding to work with, even inspiring. But it’s not easy. For therapists, the trick is being open to difficult painful truths: The world is often unjust, [and] good people suffer. We can’t rescue our clients from their painful histories, but we can help them gain understanding and empathy for themselves, rather than judgment and self-reproach.

GT: What kinds of therapeutic strategies work best with trauma survivors?

RTM: Relationship, relationship, relationship. With survivors of interpersonal trauma, change happens through the here-and-now relationship between client and therapist. As a therapeutic alliance develops, as the client starts to feel a connection to the clinician, this feels scary, and the person struggles as they do in all relationships: They don’t know how to trust. They may push the therapist away (because that’s easier than worrying they’ll be abandoned); they may even criticize the clinician or become angry at times. How the therapist weathers these moments in the relationship makes all the difference. If the clinician becomes defensive or critical, it’s game over. But if the therapist sees this as an opportunity, an important moment in their relationship to help the client work through the conflict between them, that’s where change really happens. The person truly learns how the world of relationships can be nonexploitative and rewarding.

GT: How can therapists engage avoidant trauma survivors in therapy?

RTM: Even clients who avoid closeness and painful feelings are in the therapist’s office for a reason. Find that reason. What’s in it for them to change? Working with them can be hard, because they’re masters at pushing people away. The trick is seeing their distancing maneuvers for what they are: fear of closeness.

GT: What do you hope therapists will take away from your new book, Trauma and the Avoidant Client: Attachment-Based Strategies for Healing?

RTM: Up to now, avoidant trauma survivors have been ignored by the field of mental health; that’s a missed opportunity. As a way of avoiding closeness, they drink, become workaholics, get addicted, overdo food or exercise, and so on. But those strategies don’t work, at least not in the long run. Ultimately, they need to experience the emotions that go along with closeness; to feel loss, sadness, pain, and vulnerability without becoming terrified of losing control or falling apart. The best tool I know is the therapeutic relationship. My book focuses on how to help clients like these by skillfully using the therapeutic relationship as a vehicle for change. What they fear is closeness, but underlying that fear is a painful longing, a yearning to feel loved. And at the end of the day, therapy is about learning how to allow yourself that gift.

ghostly figure in white dressAbout half of all Americans believe in ghosts, with 22% reporting a personal experience with ghostly phenomena, according to a 2009 CBS News poll. Science and religion have long competed to explain seemingly paranormal experiences, such as hearing the voice of a deceased loved one or seeing ghostly figures. While no one can say with certainty that ghosts aren’t a part of our world, psychological phenomena may explain many common experiences.

Suggestibility and Priming

People are highly social creatures, and this means they’re also highly suggestible. If you see another person behaving fearfully, for example, you’re more likely to feel fear, even if there’s no obvious threat.

Suggestibility can fuel myths about ghosts and haunted houses, particularly in an environment that seems creepy. If you stay at an ostensibly haunted house, you’re primed to see ghosts because you’ve been told you might. This means you might interpret a strange noise as a sign that a ghost is present, particularly if other people seem frightened by the noise. Old and abandoned houses and locations that have a scary story—such as a hotel where someone was killed, or a home where someone committed suicide—can further prime your mind to “see” ghosts, even when you might otherwise explain away unusual apparitions and sounds.

Hallucinations

It’s easy to think of hallucinations as the domain of people who are disconnected from reality, but hallucinations are fairly common. About 10% of people who don’t have psychiatric issues report experiencing a hallucination at least once. People are more likely to hallucinate after the death of a loved one, and a large portion of people who have lost close family members report “seeing” or “hearing” the family member shortly after his or her death.

If you have vision or hearing problems, your odds of hallucinating are greatly increased, as degenerative conditions that affect the senses can cause you to perceive things that aren’t really there.

Sleep Issues

Perhaps one of the most frightening and common human experiences is the “phantom face.” Sleep paralysis helps to keep you safe when you’re sleeping. It prevents you from jumping out of your bed when you dream you’re jumping on a trampoline and ensures that you don’t actually hit someone when you dream you’re in a fight. Sometimes, though, sleep paralysis lasts a few moments longer than sleep itself. This can cause you to wake up unable to move, and images from your dreams can make their way into your waking life, seeming very real.

About 40% of people report seeing an image, such as a phantom face, upon waking up. This phenomenon can be terrifying, but it’s not caused by ghosts. The technical term for this type of sleep-induced hallucination is a hypnagogic hallucination.

Connecting Unconnected Things

The human mind is incredibly adept at building connections. This is the reason we’re able to master complex math, build seemingly intelligent machines, and remember vast quantities of information. But this connection-building tendency can also cause people to believe things that aren’t true. Apophenia is the tendency to see connections between unconnected events. This tendency can cause you to interpret mundane experiences as supernatural. For example, if you dream about your grandmother and then hear her favorite song on the radio, you might conclude that she’s communicating with you.

Pareidolia, a related phenomenon, occurs when people “complete” incomplete images. There are mundane examples of this in everyday life. Anyone who has noted that the front of a car looks like a face is engaging in pareidolia. Pareidolia, however, can also cause people to see ghostly images. Your mind, for example, might perceive a cloud of dust as a face. Combined with high suggestibility, apophenia and pareidolia can cause you to see things that aren’t there. And while the two behaviors can be associated with some mental health conditions, they’re normal cognitive processing mechanisms that everyone engages in from time to time.

References:

  1. Alfano, S. (2009, February 11). Poll: Majority believe in ghosts. CBSNews. Retrieved from http://www.cbsnews.com/2100-500160_162-994766.html
  2. Pareidolia. (n.d.). The Skeptic’s Dictionary. Retrieved from http://skepdic.com/pareidol.html
  3. Poulsen, B. (2012, July 31). Being amused by apophenia. Psychology Today. Retrieved from http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/reality-play/201207/being-amused-apophenia
  4. Sacks, O. W. (2012). Hallucinations. New York, NY: Alfred A. Knopf.

blurry ghostly figure in a chairPeople have long constructed elaborate stories to explain things that science can’t. Almost every society has at least one origin myth. Ancient people constructed human-like gods to explain the weather, illnesses, and problems with interpersonal interactions.

While it’s easy to look back on outdated superstitions with equal parts confusion and judgment, there are still some things science hasn’t been able to fully explain. Parapsychology aims to fill this gap in knowledge, explaining phenomena that leave some people confused and others doubting the existence of the phenomena in the first place.

What Parapsychologists Study

Parapsychologists study any seemingly paranormal phenomena that are not studied by the broader psychological or scientific communities. Telepathy, near-death experiences, and extrasensory perception (ESP) have historically been popular parapsychology topics, alongside near-death experiences. Ghost-like phenomena such as apparitions are increasingly popular topics of study. Ian Stevenson, a University of Virginia psychiatrist, investigated reincarnation and past lives, and found that very young children sometimes reported “memories” of previous lives or life before birth.

Tools and Theories

Parapsychologists have developed a number of theoretical explanations for paranormal phenomena. For example, Stevenson found that, of the children who described reincarnation, almost half had birth marks. He theorized that these marks could be the sites of injuries, or even fatal wounds, in a previous life.

Electronic voice phenomenon (EVP) has quickly become one of the most widely used tools in the parapsychological community. EVP, used on ghost-hunting television shows, works by increasing background noise on a recording. The recording is then amplified and played back, and the resulting sounds can resemble a human voice.

Parapsychologists have developed several theories to explain EVP. Some argue that ghosts and other entities create EVP via psychokinesis. Mainstream scientists have argued, by contrast, that EVP could be the result of radio interference and fraud. People who are invested in believing EVP may hear voices where there are none. Parapsychologists who take EVP recordings often transcribe the recordings in an attempt to make them more easily understood, but these transcriptions can be suggestive and cause listeners to hear a voice when they might not otherwise.

Reception in the Scientific Community

Parapsychology is widely considered a pseudoscience in the mainstream psychological community. This does not, however, mean that research into paranormal phenomena is scientifically invalid. Some seemingly paranormal phenomena, such as near-death experiences, have been researched by mainstream scientists. Oxygen deprivation and other abnormalities in the brain near death may contribute to near-death experiences. Apparitions such as ghosts could be caused by hallucinations, dreams, and high suggestibility.

Mainstream psychologists emphasize that parapsychology is more focused on confirming the existence of paranormal phenomena than scientifically explaining it. Small or biased sample sizes can alter the results of studies, and there have been several reports of outright fraud. For example, psychics and mediums may use cold and warm readings to get seemingly accurate results. A cold reading works by making broad statements that are very likely to be true, such as, “I’m sensing an older man in your life who has died.” Many people know at least one older man who has died. A warm reading gains information about a subject through secondary sources. A psychic might, for example, talk to a subject’s mother prior to her reading and gain additional information that can be used to convince the subject of the reading’s validity.

Some paranormal psychologists accept unscientific or unproven premises as part of their research. They might assume, for example, that all people have past lives and then attempt to demonstrate how past lives affect present ones, without ever demonstrating the actual existence of past lives.

References:

  1. About the Parapsychological Association. (n.d.). The Parapsychological Association. Retrieved from http://www.parapsych.org/base/about.aspx
  2. Carroll, R. T. (n.d.). Parapsychology. The Skeptic’s Dictionary. Retrieved from http://skepdic.com/parapsy.html
  3. French, C. C. (2008, March 15). Is parapsychology a pseudoscience? [PDF]. Conference on Science and Pseudoscience.

crop circles forming a spiralIn the classic television series The X-Files, FBI agents attempt to uncover a conspiracy between aliens from another world and the U.S. government. Ideas about aliens vary from culture to culture and can be heavily influenced by the media, but the phenomenon of so-called alien abductions is relatively new in human history.

In 1997, the year the Hale-Bopp comet blasted past Earth, belief in alien conspiracies was at an all-time high. Sixty-four percent of respondents to a CNN poll said they believed aliens had made contact with humans, with 50% claiming that aliens had abducted humans. The concept of alien abductions is well-established in American consciousness, but psychological research may be able to offer a more mundane explanation for widespread belief in so-called abductions.

Sleep Paralysis

When you sleep, your body freezes your limbs, decreasing the likelihood that you leap from the bed or injure yourself in your dreams. But sometimes sleep paralysis goes a little haywire and people wake up unable to move. This can trigger an assortment of bizarre, dream-like hallucinations. People who already believe in aliens may, in this semi-conscious state, interpret lights and sounds from outside as alien visitors. Upon returning to sleep, these memories can become even more lucid through further dreams about aliens. Because sleep paralysis can be so frightening, though, people who experience it and then dream about aliens may interpret their experiences as real.

Brain Disturbances

The brain can do all kinds of strange things that seem real in the moment. After all, it’s the source of dreams, false memories, and hallucinations. Researchers have found that electrical stimulation of the temporal lobe can produce images and experiences that some people may interpret as alien abductions. A seizure in the temporal lobe is sufficient to trigger abduction-like sensations, so it may be that some people’s memories of abductions are in fact memories of seizures.

Mental Health Issues

Many people who report alien abductions are healthy, high-functioning individuals. Some, however, have a mental health issue that clouds their ability to distinguish fantasy from reality. Delusional issues are particularly likely to result in alien abduction memories, but research has also shown a correlation between alien abduction reports and schizotypal personality. People with schizotypal personality are often perceived by others as eccentric, and typically have unusual beliefs. They sometimes engage in magical thinking, and may experience problems with perception. This may lead to interpreting an experience as an alien abduction.

Memory Difficulties

The memory can play a host of tricks on you. It doesn’t act as a recording device, carefully cataloging every life event. Instead, the memory is highly susceptible to suggestion, belief, and fantasy. In some cases, it’s possible people may misremember dreams as reality or interpret a strange experience, such as a house shaking due to an earthquake, as an alien abduction. Cognitive biases can further distort memory. Confirmation bias, for example, is the tendency to see evidence for something you already believe. If you believe aliens abduct people and then have a frightening nighttime experience with a bright light, you may be tempted to fit this experience into what you already know, seeing it as evidence of an alien abduction.

But What If It’s Real?

There are plenty of scientists who are convinced there is life on other planets. No one can say with certainty whether aliens have visited our planet. Some psychologists, such as John Mack, have studied abduction phenomena, taking the stories to be true at face value. This field of psychology, called parapsychology, has gained a cult following among devotees of aliens and the UFO culture. Parapsychologists are interested in the effects of apparent abductions and the ways the trauma of a memory of abduction affects the brain.

References:

  1. Cromie, W. J. (2005, September 22). Alien abduction claims explained. Harvard Gazette. Retrieved from http://www.news.harvard.edu/gazette/2005/09.22/11-alien.html
  2. Gurstelle, E. (2011, November 10). The psychology of alien abduction — an altered state of consciousness? The PsychMinder. Retrieved from http://psychminder.com/2011/11/10/alien-abduction/
  3. Poll: U.S. hiding knowledge of aliens. (1997, June 15). CNN. Retrieved from http://www.cnn.com/US/9706/15/ufo.poll/
  4. The psychology and neuroscience of alien abduction. (n.d.). Kuro5hin. Retrieved from http://www.kuro5hin.org/story/2002/9/1/14038/46155

woman in therapy is feeling uneasyPremature termination with people in therapy happens with both seasoned and newly licensed therapists. In a study that talked about the therapeutic relationship and psychotherapy outcome, it shows that 20 to 57 percent of people in therapy do not return after the initial session (Lambert). Another 37 to 45 percent only attend therapy a total of two times (Schwartz). Sometimes these people leave without warning, but sometimes they do give some signs they won’t be returning, even if they do not directly explain them. Some will contact the therapists by email, will leave phone messages, or simply will not show up for their appointments. These people may come back much later, or not all. Many will also find a new therapist when they want to resume their therapy work.

There can be many reasons for this. I have had some people and personal contacts share some of their reasons with me. Here are some common reasons I’ve heard:

The ‘Can of Worms’

People realize therapy opened a bigger “can of worms” than they were prepared to handle. They say hindsight vision is 20/20. I wrote in my previous article, Helpful Tips to Make Therapy Most Effective for You, that one of the things to keep in mind during therapy is what you want to achieve or gain in therapy. Sometimes we don’t always know, even when we are posed that question. We can identify that we are struggling in some area of our life, or we are in some pain either emotionally or mentally, and we want some relief. We find the therapist we have a good connection with, make the appointment, and go in for our sessions.

Sometimes, we never know what to expect. Some have really good results; others have light-bulb moments with increased insight. Some, however, are taken aback by the depth of therapy, and they realized they didn’t want to go further at that time. One particularly candid response I heard from someone in this position was, “it was just too hard and painful at the time, and I just didn’t want to see what else was there.”

Subconscious Resistance

I don’t often hear people in therapy say, “I don’t think I’m ready to continue with this issue.” Sometimes other reasons come up, which is known as resistance. Therapy can provide wonderful possibilities, benefits, and outcomes, but occasionally we still resist the experience. This may be because of fear of success, failure, feeling overwhelmed by truth, fear of the unknown, or simply overwhelming emotions.

Therapeutic Breach

Misunderstandings, miscommunications, and impasses can often happen between therapists and people in therapy during the treatment duration. In the study mentioned earlier, the top reason people dropped out of therapy after the initial session was dissatisfaction with the therapist, or the feeling that the therapist didn’t really “get” them. There can be both competent and unprofessional behaviors found in all professions, and this is holds true in the therapy world. Further, even with the best training and the heart to serve people, the best therapists are not omnipotent, nor will they be perfect in their approach.

Many interventions are chosen according to what the person in therapy presents. Some will make unintentional mistakes or misunderstand what people meant. Therapy is not like getting a medical exam. There is no therapeutic equivalent to getting blood drawn, waiting for it to be studied, then receiving a detailed evaluation and report. The journey of healing through therapy must be a collaborative effort to be effective. If or when a therapeutic breach happens, a person may choose to drop out prematurely, or avoid the elephant in the room—the elephant being that there’s something hindering your therapeutic growth; you can feel it’s there but you are not able to talk about it. Alternatively, the person in treatment and therapist could have a dialogue, which can offer the most constructive growth for both parties. Often, however, it’s difficult to initiate that dialogue.

Giving Feedback

Healing in therapy is not just about getting results and meeting goals; it is also about the process of the therapeutic relationship. It is about how things unfold as you are exploring issues with your therapist. Therefore, sometimes constructive feedback is needed from people in therapy to minimize impasses and misunderstandings. This proactive approach can itself be a reflection of significant growth. For example, let’s say this person has relational difficulties, such as discussing vulnerable feelings. This is a wonderful opportunity to practice giving constructive feedback, which the person can then apply to other relationships. A competent therapist will often be very receptive to constructive feedback at any time during the sessions.

Readiness for therapy often comes at a point where people experience greater pain and discomfort by remaining personally stagnant than by initiating small adjustments in life to feel better in the long run. While there is no exact time frame for those lasting changes to occur, that readiness provides that platform for real growth to occur. The key is consistency. Premature termination sometimes cuts that opportunity short, despite improvements thus far in therapy sessions. Therapy, no matter the duration, is not a pass-or-fail experience, but rather an opportunity for positive growth with the right therapist.

References:

  1. Lambert, M., J. & Barley, D., E. (2001). Research Summary on the therapeutic relationship and psychotherapy outcome. Psychotherapy, 38, 4, 357-361.
  2. Schwartz, Bernard, PhD and Flowers, John, PhD. (2010). How therapists fail: Why too many clients drop out of therapy prematurely. Impact Publishers.

Business man day dreaming about coworker with new carThe green-eyed monster of envy is often viewed as an emotion that leads to bad behavior. Envy can also be painful for those experiencing it. Longing for a new home or enviously watching friends post vacation photos on Facebook can slowly eat away at your self-esteem and harm your relationships with others.

Envy and jealousy may be used interchangeably, but there’s actually a meaningful distinction. While jealousy is the fear of losing something you already have – such as a spouse – envy is pain over something you don’t have – a flashy car, a perfect family, or a good marriage. Social networking can increase envy, and the media often fuels feelings of envy by parading an endless supply of things you do not, or cannot, have. You don’t have to permanently live with envy. There are several things you can do to cope with the overwhelming emotions that come with it.

[fat_widget_right]Deconstruct It
When you feel that first pang of envy, don’t ignore it, but don’t continue feeding it. Instead, try to deconstruct it. What’s really behind the envy? Envy can tell you a lot about what you want – a vacation, a successful spouse, a new job. And if you listen to your feelings of envy and interrogate them, you’re more likely to arrive at useful information about yourself. Question why you’re feeling envy, what is missing in your own life, and if any other emotions – such as anxiety or frustration – could partially account for your envious feelings.

Focus on Gratitude
You might not have a million dollar beach house, but you do have something to be grateful for; everyone does. Rather than fixating on what you don’t have, make gratitude a long-term strategy. Make a list of things you’re grateful for – no matter how small – each day. And when you feel pangs of envy, replace each envious thought with a moment of gratitude for something fabulous about your own life.

Get a Reality Check
When you’re marveling at someone’s social networking profile or alumni newsletter update, it’s easy to forget that everyone has a public and private face. We all strive to put our best face forward. That classmate or co-worker who seems to have an amazing life may be secretly struggling. Don’t believe the hype about other people. Instead, realize that everyone struggles with something and you might not know what the inside view of another person’s life is.

Decide What You Want
Rather than wallowing in envy, resolve to take steps to get your own life on track. Envy can be a positive emotion when it empowers healthy goal-setting. When you’re feeling envious, ask yourself what it is about another person’s life that you envy, then make a list of the steps you can take to reach your goals. By taking a minuscule step every day, you can get on track to have the life you want, of which you can be proud.

Help Others
While there may always be people who have things you don’t have, there are also almost certainly people who have much less than you. Helping others can offer an effective perspective adjustment. It also feels good all on its own. Try volunteering at a homeless shelter or soup kitchen, and use your volunteer experience as an opportunity to take stock of all you have instead of all that you’re lacking.

References:

  1. Controlling envy. (n.d.). Dr. Phil.com. Retrieved from http://drphil.com/articles/article/340
  2. Keeping envy and jealousy under control. (n.d.). University of Rochester Medical Center. Retrieved from http://www.urmc.rochester.edu/encyclopedia/content.aspx?ContentTypeID=1
  3. Matousek, M. (2012, May 29). When friends get rich or famous (or both). Psychology Today. Retrieved from http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/ethical-wisdom/201205/when-friends-get-rich-or-famous-or-both

person being stalked in parking garageBeing stalked can be paralyzingly frightening. Victims aren’t traumatized just once; they’re perpetually unsettled by attempts at contact and often begin to feel like there’s no safe place to go.

The Bureau of Justice Statistics reports that about three million people are stalked every year, most by people they know—often a former intimate partner. As many as 10% of stalking victims fear for their lives, and all victims face massive disruptions to their routines. While stalking, like domestic violence, has been around for generations, it has been only in recent years that the issue has been taken seriously, and many victims may be hesitant to seek help.

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What Is Stalking?

At its core, stalking consists of repeated attempts to gain control over or terrorize someone. Stalking exists on a continuum. On the lower end, it might involve repeated phone calls, letters, or email contacts. In its more extreme manifestations, however, stalking might involve repeatedly going to a person’s house, making threats against a person, harming pets, stealing possessions, or interfering with a person’s relationships with friends, family, or coworkers. Stalkers may alternate between patterns of domestic violence and stalking.

Each state establishes its own legal criteria for stalking. Laws generally require multiple unwanted contacts and mandate that a victim fear for his or her safety. A coworker who comes back to see a person at his or her office daily, for example, would not be stalking, and a secret admirer who sends flowers once per week is not necessarily a stalker. Repeated contacts rise to the level of stalking when they’re designed to gain power over a person and cause emotional terror.

Why Do People Stalk?

Stalkers often emphasize that they “love” their victims and occasionally say they stalk to keep others safe. For example, an abusive ex-husband might say he stalks his ex-wife to ensure she’s properly caring for their children. Psychologically, however, stalking is a crime of control. Stalkers see their victims as possessions who are rightfully theirs, and stalking behavior is frequently activated by a breakup or an ex-partner’s new relationship.

Some mental health issues can lead to stalking. People with personality issues such as a borderline personality diagnosis may have trouble letting go of relationships and sometimes use manipulative tactics to control people. Erotomania is a delusion in which a person believes that another person—often a celebrity—is in love with him or her, and this can lead to stalking. However, not all stalkers have mental health conditions, and the overwhelming majority are men. Cultural and gender norms may contribute to stalking behavior.

What Can Victims Do to Get Help?

If you’re being stalked, don’t make excuses for the stalker or tell yourself you are overreacting. Tell a friend or family member what’s happening so you have a support person and a witness. If you are in immediate danger or are being followed, dial 911. There’s no price for overreacting, but underreacting to stalking can, in extreme cases, be fatal. Other things you can do to remain safe:

References:

  1. Help for victims. (n.d.). Stalking Resource Center. Retrieved from http://www.victimsofcrime.org/our-programs/stalking-resource-center/help-for-victims
  2. King, M. W., & Sivak, A. (n.d.). Stalking: New studies shed light on a crime that terrorizes its victims. National Crime Prevention Council. Retrieved from http://www.ncpc.org/programs/catalyst-newsletter/catalyst-newsletter-2009/volume-30-number-11/stalking-a-new-study-sheds-light-on-a-crime-that-repeatedly-terrorizes-its-victims
  3. Stalking. (n.d.). National Institute of Justice. Retrieved from http://www.nij.gov/topics/crime/stalking/
  4. Stalking. (n.d.). USDOJ: Office on Violence Against Women: Crimes of Focus: Stalking. Retrieved from http://www.ovw.usdoj.gov/aboutstalking.htm

Conflict between man and womanInsecurity is one of the trickiest relationship issues because it tends to create a self-perpetuating cycle. Insecure people frequently cling to their partners, which causes their partners to pull away, worsening the insecurity.

Feelings of insecurity often begin with family-of-origin issues or unhealthy early relationships. In many people, these experiences may interfere with their ability to choose good partners; some insecure people may choose partners who make the insecurity worse. There’s no quick fix for anxiety, and some people need therapy to move past anxiety in relationships, but there are several steps you can take to reduce it:

Determine the Cause

Not all insecurity is unwarranted. Objectively examine the behavior of your partner. Is he or she honest? Does he or she respond to your basic needs? Does he or she seem concerned about your feelings?
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If you’re not getting what you need in your relationship, your insecurity might be the other person’s problem, not yours. But this doesn’t mean you can force your partner to fix it. If your partner refuses to meet reasonable emotional needs, you can either end the relationship or find other ways to meet your needs, perhaps by taking up a hobby, expanding your circle of friends, or finding fulfillment in your work.

Negotiate Relationship Rules

Every relationship serves as a sort of mini-government that establishes its own rules and standards of behavior. Something that’s OK in your relationship might not be OK in another person’s relationship.
Talk to your partner about how you want your relationship to function and how each of you can get your needs met. You might, for example, agree that you need a lot of verbal reassurance, while your partner benefits more from favors and nice gestures.

When insecurity is a chronic problem, you should talk openly and honestly about it so that your partner knows you might need extra reassurance. If you have a disagreement about what constitutes a fundamental need, you might need to get out of the relationship or find another way to meet your needs.

Avoid Mind Reading

No two people think exactly alike, and what might mean absolute rejection to you could just be an oversight or misstatement by your partner.
Mind reading can contribute to insecurity when you make assumptions about your partner’s thoughts rather than asking him or her about them. If you’re feeling unsure of something, express this to your partner and ask for clarification.

Quit the Comparison Game

Almost any relationship, no matter how troubled, can look perfect from the outside looking in. Don’t compare your relationship to other people’s relationships, and avoid comparing your current partner to past partners.
It’s easy to find your partner’s weaknesses and assume that he or she doesn’t love you, and when you compare relationships, you’re much less likely to compare your partner’s positive traits to other people’s negative traits. Accept your partner for who he or she is and work on your relationship where it is rather than aspiring to emulate a relationship that might not even be real.

Look for the Positive

Confirmation bias is a psychological phenomenon that causes people to look for evidence of what they already believe to be true. If you’re convinced that your partner doesn’t love you, you might see his or her failure to say he/she loves you on the phone as irrefutable evidence that love has died.
But when you look for confirmation of the positive aspects of your relationship, you’re also more likely to find these. Focus on your partner’s positive traits, and interpret ambiguous statements and actions as positively as possible. In minor cases of insecurity, this can be all it takes to move past anxiety.

References:

  1. 20 ways to beat relationship insecurity. (n.d.). YourTango. Retrieved from http://www.yourtango.com/200948412/how-beat-relationship-insecurity
  2. Cassidy, J., & Shaver, P. R. (1999). Handbook of attachment: Theory, research, and clinical applications. New York, NY: Guilford Press.

Hands resting on prison barsAlthough jail time might seem like a distant possibility for most people, incarceration rates in the United States are steadily rising. One study published in the journal Pediatrics found that 41% of young adults have been arrested by the time they are 23. The U.S. Department of Justice (DOJ) reports that 6.6% of people serve time in prison at some point in their lives, and the statistic rises to a shocking 32% for African-American men. More than half of inmates are diagnosed with a mental health disorder.

As state mental hospitals continue to close and mental health services remain financially out of reach for many people, this number may rise. Moreover, prison itself can exacerbate preexisting mental health issues and create new mental health challenges among those who had never experienced them.

Mental Health Care Behind Bars

Jails and prisons are required to provide basic health care for inmates, but the quality of this care varies greatly. Often, prison-based mental health care focuses on stabilizing, rather than treating, inmates. A person experiencing hallucinations or psychosis might get medication to control the most severe symptoms, but people with anxiety issues, depression, posttraumatic stress, and other mental health conditions that don’t cause radical changes in behavior may go untreated. Prisoners rarely, if ever, get therapy or comprehensive treatment, so mental health issues that were previously controlled with medication and therapy may get much worse during incarceration.

Prison and Trauma

Even for the most hardened criminals, prison can be a scary place. The DOJ reports that 70,000 prisoners are sexually abused every year, and assaults, fights, and other acts of violence are common in a prison setting. But violence isn’t limited to inmates; prison guards work in a high-stress environment that can increase their likelihood of becoming violent. With little hope for reporting abuse by guards, some inmates may endure verbal abuse, threats of physical violence, and even severe attacks. Women inmates are at an increased risk of being sexually assaulted by jail and prison guards. This ongoing climate of trauma can create anxiety, depression, phobias, and PTSD in prisoners who previously had no serious mental health issues.

Lack of Support

Prisoners are, by definition, cut off from the rest of society, and their access to supportive friends and family may be limited. Many jails have instituted mail policies prohibiting letters and magazine subscriptions, and these policies can eliminate prisoners’ ability to communicate with and receive support from loved ones. Phone calls from jail can be costly, and prisoners from impoverished backgrounds may have families who can’t afford to cover the costs of collect calls, however infrequent. There’s little hope for getting any support in prison, as many prisoners are concerned more with gaining respect and avoiding fights in a relentless pursuit of safety. Support from loved ones can play a critical role in helping people overcome mental challenges, and isolation can increase a person’s risk of mental health issues such as depression and anxiety.

Getting Out

Most prisoners have ignored basic rules of society, so it can be difficult for prisoner rights issues to garner much public sympathy. But many prisoners are incarcerated for nonviolent drug crimes that are the result of substance addiction. And even inmates incarcerated for violent crimes do not typically serve life sentences. Most prisoners are ultimately released, and the mental health issues they develop in prison can increase their risk of reoffending and make it difficult to reenter society as a productive, nonthreatening citizen. Almost 70% of people who have been incarcerated are arrested again within three years, and the dire state of mental health care in prisons could play a significant role in this high rate of recidivism.

A mental health professional can help people who have come into contact with the prison system. A therapist can help prisoners reenter society or reestablish bonds with friends and family. Loved ones of incarcerated individuals can also get necessary emotional support in therapy. Therapy is a safe and confidential place for any and all people to get help.

References:

  1. Chaddock, G. R. (2003, August 18). US notches world’s highest incarceration rate. The Christian Science Monitor. Retrieved from http://www.csmonitor.com/2003/0818/p02s01-usju.html
  2. Gann, C. (2011, December 19). Study: Significant number of young Americans get arrested. ABC News. Retrieved from http://abcnews.go.com/Health/arrests-increasing-us-youth/story?id=15180222
  3. James, D. J., & Glaze, L. E. (2006, December 14). Mental health problems of prison and jail inmates [PDF]. Washington, D.C.: U.S. Department of Justice Bureau of Justice Statistics.
  4. Purdy, M. (1995, December 19). Brutality behind bars. The New York Times. Retrieved from http://www.nytimes.com/1995/12/19/nyregion/brutality-behind-bars-special-report-prison-s-violent-culture-enveloping-its.html?pagewanted=all
  5. Recidivism. (n.d.). Bureau of Justice Statistics (BJS). Retrieved from http://bjs.ojp.usdoj.gov/index.cfm?ty=tp
  6. Sakala, L. (2013, February 7). Return to sender: Postcard-only mail policies in jails. Prison Policy Initiative. Retrieved from http://www.prisonpolicy.org/postcards/report.html
  7. U.S.: Federal justie statistics show widespread prison rape. (2007, December 16). Human Rights Watch. Retrieved from http://www.hrw.org/news/2007/12/15/us-federal-statistics-show-widespread-prison-rape
  8. U.S.: Number of mentally ill in prisons quadrupled. (2006, September 6). Human Rights Watch. Retrieved from http://www.hrw.org/news/2006/09/05/us-number-mentally-ill-prisons-quadrupled
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