Cognitive fusion is a process that involves attaching a thought to an experience. Cognitive fusion is beneficial in many ways. Through the process of cognitive fusion, people can become interested in story lines in movies and books because they attach their emotions to the events. Hobbies that elicit positive feelings can be enhanced as a result of cognitive fusion as well. Even feelings of love can be influenced by cognitive fusion. But this process can also impair behavior in individuals with certain psychological issues. People who struggle with anxiety and depression experience negative thoughts that can prevent them from taking positive actions. For instance, when someone with depression focuses on feelings of worthlessness because they have been unable to overcome their depression, they may continue to avoid seeking help because of the perceived outcome. Individuals who suffer with anxiety also find themselves trapped by cognitive fusion when for instance, they believe they will panic if they are exposed to stressful situations, and therefore avoid all situations that could induce stress, even if they are necessary for recovery.

Understanding how cognitive fusion affects mental health is a relatively new area of research. Acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT) is a mindfulness-based therapeutic approach that teaches clients how to accept negative feelings independently of perceived outcome. Therefore, ACT and other mindfulness techniques aim to teach cognitive de-fusion. Because there is little evidence exploring this, Kristen N. Herzberg of the Department of Psychology at the University at Albany of the State University of New York, recently conducted a study that employed a new tool to measure the effectiveness of ACT on cognitive fusion.

Herzberg and her colleagues developed the Believability of Anxious Feelings and Thoughts Questionnaire (BAFT) and administered it to over 900 individuals, half of whom struggle with extreme anxiety, undergoing 12 weeks of internet ACT treatment. She found that BAFT was quite accurate at identifying levels of cognitive fusion. Specifically, the BAFT was able to measure anxiety sensitivity, avoidance, and cognitive de-fusion in the participants. The results also showed that the anxious participants saw significant reductions in avoidant behaviors after completing the cognitive fusion–targeted ACT program. Herzberg added, “Taken together, these findings suggest the BAFT to be a reliable, valid, and useful measure of cognitive fusion.”

Reference:
Herzberg, K. N., Sheppard, S. C., Forsyth, J. P., Credé, M., Earleywine, M., Eifert, G. H. (2012). The Believability of Anxious Feelings and Thoughts Questionnaire (BAFT): A psychometric evaluation of cognitive fusion in a nonclinical and highly anxious community sample. Psychological Assessment. Advance online publication. doi: 10.1037/a0027782

Saturday April 28^th was my 11^th Ocha Birthday. That is to say it was the anniversary of my initiation as a Yoruba/Lucumi Priest  of Obatala (April 28, 2001). To me, it’s as important a date as my natal birthday. Traditionally, to mark the anniversary, we purchase food and cook for the Orishas (the divinities we worship), read each Orisha we have with Obi (4 quarters of coconut), and generally strive to have a peaceful and meditative day. Sometimes, if possible, we open our homes to other Orisha Priests to come and salute our Orishas and to offer their blessings. Since I was in a somewhat isolated location, I chose to spend the day with only one other person (my significant other).

My experience on the day of my anniversary was a very positive one. The Orishas were basically happy and were satisfied with my offerings of fruit, candy, and in some instances the food I had prepared for them. One or two wanted a bit more but nothing complicated.

Spending this day basically on my own, taking the risk of reading my Orishas on my own (previously I always had someone else do it) was a real boost to my confidence. I also prayed and sang and felt the presence of spirit. It reaffirmed for me that I was truly blessed. I felt truly grateful that the Orishas had guided me to them and had chosen me as their child.

Now I know this must sound kind of confusing to many of you; maybe even a little bit alarming. My religion is virtually unknown by many if not most Americans, despite the fact that there are millions of observers worldwide.  But my specific belief system is not the point of this article.

What I have in my life at this time in my life (I’m an Elder) is a solid foundation of faith, which is something I have never had before. I trust in the divinities to guide me, and I do what they say as I learn through divination. I feel protected and held. I have support and love that is unconditional. The Orishas are patient and giving as long as you are respectful and follow their advice (if you don’t, there can be consequences).

What this faith has done for me after decades of psychotherapy is help me heal. In treatment I gained a great deal of understanding, and the relationship with my therapists was healing in itself. There is great value in it. However, it was and is my faith that has taken me to the next level where I was able to finally forgive those who had wronged me; where I was able to either let go of or moderate my fear; and where I was able to accept myself and others as I am/they are.

For most of my life, psychotherapy was my higher power. That is different now. As I observe the patients I treat in my practice, I see that those who have some spiritual connection are those that make the most significant and lasting progress. Those that are what I would call spiritually bankrupt struggle the most for the longest.

People come to me knowing of my dual credentials as Psychotherapist and Ordained Yoruba/Lucumi Priest, and even though we talk about the issues and problems of the day, I believe some at least are seeking help in connecting to their spiritual selves. When they state this outright, I work with them on this. Otherwise, I am very patient.

Related articles:
Part 3: Source Energy Optimizes Life—Escalating Source Energy Through Trauma Resolution
Spirituality and Therapy: Opening the Portal with Prayer
Turning It Over

Have you seen the movie? There are a lot of parenting situations in it that we can relate to. The main one that I see is with Marlin and Nemo. Nemo has a short fin and his dad is very protective of him, which is natural. Nemo wants to show his dad what he can do in spite of his short fin, but this is a scary situation for Marlin (the dad), because he does not know how to protect Nemo.

Nemo is reacting in an age-appropriate way: He wants to show his dad what he can do; Dad won’t let him, and then Nemo does it anyway. Sound familiar? This pattern happens a lot and at different ages and stages with parents and kids. As the kids get older, we may become more comfortable with letting go, but it will still be hard.

The question is this: How do we allow our children to do more things on their own when our own fears get in the way?

At a young age, kids begin to pull away and search for independence, and as parents, we encourage that, support them, and cheer them on. When they stumble, we help pick them up and tell them to try again. When they succeed, we feel great! When they “fail,” we get discouraged and/or keep cheering them on. The latter is a healthier response: to keep cheering for and encouraging them and to allow kids to keep striving.

The challenge is when they are hurt or held back by a physical or mental challenge that as parents we want to protect them from. We may also want to protect them because of our own fears or beliefs that someone is going to hurt them even more. When a child is showing the desire to try again or to show you that he can do something, that is when it can be okay to allow it.

With Nemo, he wanted to show his father he could swim far (out to the boat) and come back. Yes, he was being oppositional and was not listening or following directions, but that is not really the point.

Marlin was afraid that Nemo would not be able to swim to the boat, and from my perspective, Marlin was afraid that he would have to go get Nemo, and Marlin was more afraid of that than anything else. So here is something to think about: we need to be aware of where our fears come from as parents. Do our fears arise from our own insecurities or doubts that we will not be able to swim to the boat? Or maybe the fear is that when our child does well, he will need us less.

Wherever Marlin’s fears were coming from, Nemo did what he believed he could do. Yes, he got caught, and his dad searched and found him; and then Nemo was able to show Dad that in spite of his short fin, he was still able to do great things. Maybe if Marlin had allowed Nemo to show him earlier, then the situation would not have had to go that far, but then the movie would not have been made.

It took Dori to point out to Marlin that maybe it was time for him to let go. Yes, they were in the whale, but Marlin got the message: Allow Nemo to show what he can do, even if Marlin has some fears.

But let’s look again at the question posed earlier: When is it okay to allow your child to have more freedom? How can parents manage their fears when a child is insisting on what he can do?

1. Identify your fears. Be aware of them. When we look at our fears, we can do something about them. Are the fears more about your child or that you may not be able to protect him from getting hurt? You are not always going to be able to protect your child; he may get hurt, but he probably will also be okay.
2. Focus on what your child is able to do. Look at where improvements have been made, and see how you can help encourage him. Look at how you can support him to try something new or a little more challenging.
3. Is your child asking to try something new? Is he wanting to try more? If he is, then believe in him, and try to understand that he believes he is able to try it. You can share with him your thoughts and concerns. He may disagree and still want to try, and if so, then trust him. Yes, he may not fully succeed, and that’s okay. He will learn more about himself and become more confident in himself. When he does succeed, it will feel wonderful and he will be very proud to show you.
4. If you have conveyed your thoughts/fears to your child and he’s still insistent that he can do whatever it is, then support him. Encourage him and be there for him.
5. If he “fails”, do NOT say, “I TOLD YOU SO” because that would be your fears talking. Encourage him to try again; failure means not trying at all.

Back to Marlin and Nemo: Marlin learned that Nemo was able to do a lot of things, even with a short fin. He succeeded, and Marlin also succeeded: He learned that letting go is not only scary at times but also very rewarding. Nemo told him that he loved him and was thankful, and the letting go helped their relationship become more fun. Marlin also became better at telling jokes!

One last thought: When Marlin allowed Nemo to show what he could do, I think Marlin found his own “Nemo,” which I guess opens the door for another article on this topic: Finding “Nemo” Part II.

Related articles:
Increasing Children’s Self-Esteem
Importance of Coping Skills, Part 2: Building Resilience
When Not to Say “No” to Your Child

Racism and prejudice are issues that are at the forefront of social concern today. Ethnic differences are causing riots, uprisings, and loss of life in nations throughout the world, including our own. Classic conditioning is a theory that suggests that individuals learn racism and prejudice through exposure to events by either experiencing them personally or observing them. Once a perspective is formed, it can be reinforced through continual verbal, visual, or actual cues. For instance, a person who has a fearful encounter with someone from another race may later see others exhibit fear, thus reinforcing their opinion and prejudice of that race. Likewise, this effect can be reversed if this same person goes on to experience positive situations with people of the other race. Either way, discrimination and prejudice are learned at a very young age and unless it is reversed, can lead to significant stress and anxiety. People who are discriminated against based on their religion, race, or sexual preference often face obstacles in many areas of their lives. Finding a career, a job, or school can be a challenging experience for people who are faced with prejudice and discrimination.

To identify how different ethnic groups learn racism and how it is perceived across different races, David Rollock, Associate Professor of the Department of Psychological Sciences at Purdue University, recently conducted a study involving participants who were African American, White, Asian, and Hispanic. The 282 participants ranged in age from 17 to 61 years old and responded to a questionnaire that asked them about their experiences with prejudice. They were instructed to report their emotional responses to various interracial encounters, positive and negative.

Rollock discovered that the White participants had the strongest negative emotions as a result of bad interracial experiences, while other races experienced lower levels of negativity. The findings also showed that Whites reported fear as the most common response to negative interracial experiences, regardless of whether they were verbal, observed, or physically experienced. Whites and African Americans had similar levels of anxiety, but these levels were much lower than levels found in the Asian and Hispanic participants.

Although all the participants exhibited anger as a result of interracial experiences, it was minimal. Rollock also found that some of the participants had positive interracial experiences that decreased their prejudice, but the effect was minimal. Rollock added, “Interestingly, people from different ethnic and sex groups did not appear to ‘learn’ their adverse race-elicited emotions in different ways, suggesting that strategies that build or reduce adverse race-elicited emotion for members of one group should be similarly effective with other groups.” This finding could help clinicians who are dealing with victims and perpetrators of racial intolerance. By understanding that the mechanism that leads to prejudice and racism is similar across all races, mental health professionals should be able to help most people overcome these obstacles, regardless of their ethnicity.

Reference:
Conger, A. J., Dygdon, J. A., Rollock, D. (2012). Conditioned emotional responses in racial prejudice. Ethnic & Racial Studies 35.2, 298-319.

Psychotherapists and clients who are working with issues of dissociation talk about being grounded a lot. What we usually mean by grounded is the experience of feeling present and aware in our bodies and being able to interact with the world around us with a clarity of our senses. There are even formulas that seem to have developed for how to be present—“feel your feet on the floor, your butt in your chair, and breathe.” Sometimes this is enough, but often it’s not.

Moving your body is a much faster and more reliable method for becoming grounded. Although movement in general is often helpful for restoring awareness to the body and breaking free of dissociation, centered and well-organized movement is even more useful.

Try the following experiments to see if you can notice the benefits of grounding movement:

1.  Jump up and down and side to side while waving your arms wildly. What was that like for you? What did you notice physically and emotionally, both during and after the exercise? How satisfying was that?
2. Now try standing with your feet shoulder width apart and begin rotating in your hip joints. Twist side to side, letting your arms follow the movement of your torso. (Some people find it helpful to imagine that they are a washing machine). What was this like? What were your physical and emotional sensations? Did you find this movement satisfying?

People typically report that the second exercise helps them bring their surroundings into focus and reduces anxiety and fearfulness. They feel more grounded and less dissociated.

This works because it offers an organized and nonthreatening way to quite literally expand the body and bodily awareness.

Dissociation is a flight response to a perceived threat. Checking out, via either partial or total amnesia, or switching into another part of the self, makes awareness of the threat disappear. This is a very handy skill for small children who are not able to adequately protect themselves. This is less useful for adults who have developed habits of dissociating—whether the threat is present in the moment or remembered.

The problem with dissociation is that adults, who are capable of protecting themselves, lose access to that protective ability when they split. As a colleague of mine likes to say, if there’s a tiger in the room and you pretend it’s not there, that doesn’t actually make the tiger disappear. Dissociation doesn’t make you more safe, and it actually makes you less safe.

But, clients often tell me, if I don’t dissociate and I choose instead to be present, then I’ll be stuck in my fears—how does being petrified make me any safer? Good point, I reply. They’re right, after all. Being frozen with fear is not any more effective than dissociating is for dealing with that oncoming tiger. What is effective for safety is being present and grounded.

Here’s another experiment you can try which demonstrates this point:

1.  Imagine that you’re afraid. It might help to recall a time when something scared you—perhaps a loud noise, a spider, or something else that frightened you a little bit. Notice what happens in your body (pay attention to your breathing, posture, and points of tension).
2. Now imagine that you’re safe and satisfied. Pull up a memory of an experience of being warm and secure and loved. What’s going on in your body this time?

In general, people report that when they’re afraid, their bodies constrict and collapse, their stomachs tighten, breathing becomes shallow, jaws clench, and they notice tension in their arms, chest, legs, and/or back. When doing the second exercise, they typically feel their bodies open up and relax.

The feeling of safety is a lot like the feeling created by the washing machine exercise at the beginning of this article. This suggests that being present in our bodies is the path to safety. Instead of having to only choose between dissociation and petrifaction, people working with dissociation can make use of movement to come into a state of groundedness and safety.

Making a diagnosis of generalized anxiety is sometime a tricky proposition. Anxiety has many manifestations as well as many underlying causes. Anxiety may be chronic and always at the edge of a person’s consciousness or the condition may flare up in acute episodes called panic attacks. Appropriate treatment is essential and typically involves a mix of cognitive-behavioral therapy, pharmaceuticals, and careful follow-up by the treating physician. Xanax (alprazolam) is currently one of the preferred medications for dealing with many anxiety-related psychological illnesses. Anxiety should not be ignored, as the effects of nervous tension and fear include a decrease in quality of life, along with possible secondary effects such as high blood pressure.

Researchers in the Netherlands recently tested a model for understanding the nature of anxiety in humans. At the same time, the experiment highlighted the effectiveness of certain medications at reducing some aspects of anxiety. Specifically, these researchers used the startling effects of white noise and electric shocks to induce surprise or fear in the subjects. In addition to Xanax, subjects were given Lyrica (pregabalin), diphenhydramine (a common sedative ingredient in over-the-counter cold remedies), or placebo. Individual anxiety levels were measured through subjective reporting and a number of objective tests, including eye movements, pupil dilation, and skin conductance. The design of the experiment included random shocks and noises, both with and without prior warning.

As expected, shocking events preceded by a warning produced less anxiety than those that came by surprise. Both Xanax and diphenhydramine reduced overall levels of anxiety but for very different reasons. Whereas Xanax works by altering certain neurotransmitter levels, diphenhydramine has a more general, systemic effect. Surprisingly, subjects given Lyrica showed very little modulation of their anxiety levels. Researchers surmised that because Lyrica takes longer (up to 6 hours) to reach peak effectiveness, the experiment wasn’t capturing an accurate picture of events.

This experiment confirmed that Xanax is effective at reducing one manifestation of anxiety: the so-called “fear-potentiated startle response.” However, the results were less informative about anxiety in general than the researchers had hoped. The sample size was too small to uncover any new revelations about the nature of human anxiety. Ideally, research will one day make the work of quickly and accurately diagnosing anxiety disorders much easier and more straightforward.

References
Baas, J., Mol, N., Kenemans, J. L., Prinssen, E. P., Niklson, I., Xia-Chen, C., et al. (2009). Validating a human model for anxiety using startle potentiated by cue and context: the effects of alprazolam, pregabalin and diphenhydramine. Psychopharmacology, 205, 73-84.

Even when it is unintended, some people find it intolerable to hurt someone they love. To experience hurting the other can create shame, guilt and strong “I am a bad person” feelings. As a result, we may avoid saying what is on our mind and put aside our own feelings and needs. This inhibiting of the self can be harmful to our relationships and can create the conditions for developing anxiety and depression.

Marlene, a 27 year old married woman, came into my therapy office feeling anxious and depressed. She described how unhappy she was in her marriage to Ben. She told me she loved her husband but was feeling like she was in a straight jacket. If she expressed a need that conflicted with his wishes, his feelings would get hurt. She couldn’t tell him that she didn’t want to play tennis with him every weekend or that she was tired of going out every Friday night with his friends from work. She explained to me that when she told him these things, he told her that she made him feel unimportant, criticized and pushed away. She felt ashamed that she was the cause of his feeling so terrible. She would apologize to him and try to keep her feelings to herself, but then she would attack herself and feel like a bad person. She was shutting herself down and feeling depressed. She also reported that when she was aware of a need that she felt she shouldn’t express to Ben, she would get anxious for fear that she couldn’t contain herself.

What Marlene described to me suggested that she had issues she needed to work on as an individual and that as we did this she would be more able to address the difficulties in her relationship with Ben.

While Ben might be particularly subject to feeling hurt or slighted, Marlene’s inability to tolerate hurting Ben and talk with him about these issues, made the relationship difficult. It also became apparent as I spoke with Marlene that she suffered in all of her relationships by worrying how she was impacting on everyone. She had never considered that we all hurt people, even those we love, unintentionally. She didn’t understand that it is impossible to be in a relationship without hurting those we love. When I suggested this to her, it didn’t make sense.  How could she possibly bear watching Ben be so hurt? She would have to give him what he wanted.

As Marlene and I talked, I wondered what made it so painful for Marlene to consider that something she said or did had the unintended consequences of hurting someone she cared about. I asked Marlene how she thought she got the idea that it was totally unacceptable to hurt someone she loved. We also explored Marlene’s idea that when someone feels hurt they are horribly harmed. Marlene thought my questions were strange. How could it not be painful to see someone you love hurting because of you? How could you not feel like a very bad person? Of course hurt causes terrible damage. I replied that it was appropriate to feel sorry or sad that you had been the cause of someone’s hurt, but that it didn’t have to make you feel like such a bad person. I said that you can’t always be sure how the hurt is affecting someone unless you are told or ask.  Each hurt is different. I said that these experiences could be talked about and the other person might be able to listen and understand the intent. I added that this was something she could work on with Ben.

Marlene considered my ideas with some skepticism. She remembered how her mother would get so hurt when she was little. She had one memory where her mother started to cry and tell her how hurt she was when Marlene didn’t like the dress she was given for her sixth birthday. She recalled how her mother told her how much Marlene hurt her feelings and how could Marlene not appreciate all the time and money her mother had spent to pick out such a perfect dress. Marlene remembered how scared she was when her mother was so distraught and how much shame she felt to have done such harm to make her mother feel that way.

Over the many months that Marlene and I continued to talk in therapy, she began to make connections between how her mother, on many occasions would be hurt if Marlene didn’t have the “right” response. She became clearer that she would do anything to ensure that she was not the cause of her mother’s distress. In fact, Marlene had given herself the job of making her mother happy. As Marlene became aware of this, she also began to realize that with her strong need to keep her mother happy and not cause her any hurt or distress, she had learned to overlook her own needs and desires, especially when they conflicted with what she knew her mother needed.

When Marlene talked about how she had learned to disregard her own wishes and squelch her own voice, she started to make connections to her behavior with Ben. Her fear of increasing Ben’s hurt when their needs conflicted, gave way to the idea that maybe she could talk with Ben about this. She recognized that Ben’s reaction when he was hurt was nothing like her mother’s intensely distraught response. Perhaps, there was a way for them to talk and negotiate and consider both of their needs.

In fact, Ben was surprised to learn that Marlene was scared to assert her needs for fear of hurting him. He told her that even though he felt hurt, he didn’t feel she had done any harm to him. He told Marlene that he didn’t think he was so fragile. He thought he could try to consider that when she expresses her needs, it didn’t have to mean that she was dismissing him. He told her he wanted to keep talking about this. He knew he could get hurt easily, but he didn’t want it to affect Marlene by causing her to inhibit her thoughts and feelings.

Marlene continues to come to therapy to work on becoming more comfortable expressing her own thoughts and feelings and dealing with her impact on those around her. She has gotten much better at dealing with conflict and asking for what she wants in the world. She is worrying less about being a bad person.  Marlene has become more tolerant of herself and more respectful of her right to say what she wants. She is increasingly able to say no to what someone she cares about wants and risk the possibility that they will feel hurt. As she is able to allow fuller expression to her true voice, she is feeling less anxious and depressed. She and Ben are doing better at talking with each other and they are much more able to address the conflicts between their needs in a constructive and loving way.

When we become overly interested and vigilant about the impact we have on others and design our behaviors to make sure they don’t have feelings we can’t tolerate, we are putting our authentic selves on hold. This denial of who we are causes us to build up feelings consciously and unconsciously. Preventing ourselves from expressing what we think and feel, and shutting up our true selves, puts us at risk for anxiety and depression. If we can learn to become more comfortable with how we impact others, and address what we think our impact is, instead of trying to control the other’s feelings, we will be promoting the development of our true selves.

Without playing with fantasy, no creative work has ever yet come to birth. The debt we owe to the play of imagination if incalculable.
-C.G. Jung

Jung wrote about the need for finding and living our myth, our story, as he grew older, he wrote his most important works and found his own unique ways to play. We need new stories that weave playfulness, gratitude, and compassion for self and others. Re-writing your myth or story can help you understand more fully your core values. Your story reflects your uniqueness and the many gifts you have to offer others. If you fully expressed your values, how would others see you? Would it change your life in some way?

A life story re-told:

Playful Kingdom
A little girl sat reading alone and wistfully looking out the window of her bedroom –dreaming, flying to places far beyond the confines of her sanctuary. She spent as much of her time as possible outside playing—skipping, riding her bike, walking and exploring, traveling by bus around the local area, dancing and choreographing shows on the spot for the neighborhood, creating puppets, puppet shows, and theatre, observing animals and recording their behavior, making lists of local plants, and gently tending and feeding them.
When it was time to come inside, the little girl would walk up the stairs to her room and settle in for a long read or daydream or she would travel by foot to a community building in her neighborhood where she could read and even borrow books whenever she liked.

She flew out her window whenever her Spirit wanted to soar beyond the earthly bound. Her visits to various realms allowed her to remain playful in her own kingdom where life was not always easy; a large part of her kingdom was at war with itself. The little girl’s imagination, dreams, and playfulness provided her with the needed support and fearlessness to move forward.

She listened to her dreams, acted, and found she wanted more of life. Her dreams brought her news that led her down many paths both harrowing and heart-y. Because she never left her playfulness behind, the little girl’s dreams provided a landscape to travel in and return to as she wandered earth. Many fellow travelers dismissed dreams and their own unique natures in favor of others’ visions for them.

The little girl grew in power and authority. She began to blend her own unique vision with what she had learned from her teachers about dreams and their importance in creating a playful life filled with meaning.

She married and became Queen to her King. Her children and grandchildren thrived and played. Each morning dreams were told and listened to, reflected on, acted upon for the benefit of all.

Dreams foretold of changes big and small for the Kingdom. Masterful communication secured peace. Instead of fighting or retreating as in past conflicts the Queen, her King, and past foes stood shoulder-to-shoulder and met for the first time. Foe became friend. A playful path of risk-taking and foolishness replaced a deep ravine.

Now that you have read one woman’s personal mythology, I invite you to write your story in any way that feels right to you.

Some ways to get started:

• Re-write a favorite children’s book story or nursery rhyme and write yourself in as the lead character.
• If you keep a dream journal, open one of your journals and see what dream finds you again. Re-write the plot, scenes, characters, location, and conflict in the dreamscape and see what happens.
• Change the lyrics to a favorite song and add lyrics that tell the story of your life’s journey. See what happens as you play with the words, rhymes, and melody.

Questions for you to consider as your write your story/myth:

• What is your story or myth?
• What have been your struggles?
• Have you celebrated your transformations?
• Are you shedding your skin or thickening your woolen coat?
• Who are your supporters?
• What do you fear?
• What do you easily move toward?

A good therapist wouldn’t treat his or her clients like a science project. Though there is a scientific basis for how brain chemistry and feelings correspond, we don’t experience our world through chemicals. We experience it through pain and sadness, joy, and relief. These are the mediums that the psychotherapist works with, and these are where we make sense of our world.

But that doesn’t mean that better understanding of brain chemistry and neurology can’t inform even more effective therapy. Take, for example, post-traumatic stress disorder. Those who’ve lived through trauma know that their experiences are the cause of their flashbacks, moodiness and other symptoms. But severe forms of PTSD can be very hard to work through, even with the help of a great psychotherapist. Late last year, scientists performed experiments with rats to better understand how the brain processes memory in relation to stress. Physically documenting changes between experience and brain behavior can help therapists better understand how things like PTSD work and, therefore, develop specific therapeutic strategies in light of that new knowledge. Those strategies don’t manifest through scientific terminology—they may be as simple as changing the therapy setting—but they use the science as a jumping off point for real-world strategies. (more…)

One of the most arduous decisions you may ever have to make is whether to stay married to someone who has cheated on you. For many people, the decision to not stay in the marriage is pretty straightforward, most often due to moralistic views about infidelity and the covenant of marriage. More often than not it’s complicated, and deciding whether to divorce or salvage a marriage can be heartbreaking and confusing. Marriage is a huge investment for many people, and as with anything in life, the greater the investment, the greater the loss. Marriage is tied up with many dreams, expectations, and fantasies, so divorce is a hugely difficult decision that should be taken very seriously.

Here are some issues that can get in the way of making a sound decision about whether to divorce:

Fear
Fear is at the core of most bad decisions. When we make choices in life based on fear, we are using the most primitive part of the human brain, a part designed to help us respond to dangerous situations for survival purposes. Human beings are the only species with a more evolved part of the brain that allows us to assess, reflect, and consider a situation before acting on it. This is the part of the brain we want to be using when making decisions about whether to divorce. Slowing things down, not acting hastily, and talking with a professional will help you achieve this goal.

Having Children
Many divorcing couples base their decision to stay in a marriage on their children. While it is extremely important to consider the impact of divorce on your children, it is helpful to not make them the determining factor. Children can easily be used as scapegoats to help parents avoid looking at all the options, even if those choices do not offer the most ideal consequences. There are many divorced households in which the children actually do better, so staying together for the children is not always the only and best solution. Meeting with a child therapist and reading up on the impact of divorce on children will help you make an educated decision.

Low Self-Esteem
Staying in a marriage because you are afraid there is nothing better out there is an issue of low self-esteem. Not feeling worthy of something better leads people to stay in bad marriages at the expense of their own happiness. Working on building your self-esteem and being clear about your value will help you make a proper decision about staying or leaving. Feeling empowered and complete with yourself is a valuable goal regardless of where you are in life, so use this opportunity for personal growth.

Black-and-White Thinking
Thinking in terms of right and wrong is the most obvious form of black-and-white thinking. It is easy to slip into a moralistic or righteous place after an infidelity, but it’s just a way of coping with the painful truth. Black-and-white thinking is very limiting and can lead to making a decision that is not founded on the whole truth. It is important to approach the decision to divorce with flexibility and openness to all options. Staying in the gray, as opposed to rigidly clinging to the black or white, allows for a more efficient and genuine decision.

Anger
Anger, not unlike fear, is not the best state of mind to be in when making a decision about your marital situation. Anger is a defense mechanism we use to gain control in a powerless situation, and it can cause us to make rash decisions that are not based on fact. If you respond to the circumstances of your marital conflict with anger as opposed to a calmness and clarity, you become blind to the possibility of potential solutions or answers. While the anger you feel may be justified and expected, it does not serve you in dealing with this important decision.

Uncertainty
Uncertainty breeds the tendency to cling to what we know. When it comes to the unpredictable future that is inherent in divorce, the first instinct is to hold on to the past because it’s familiar. The decision to stay or leave a marriage can be clouded by the unpredictable nature of your future without your partner, but the truth is that your future is unpredictable whether you are married or not. However, it is important to remember that the best predictor of the future is the past, so use your past experiences, successes, and failures to provide you with an accurate assessment of what you are capable of doing going forward. This will help you make a choice that is founded on the realities of who you are.

Deciding to stay in or leave a marriage can be torturous. Often, the heart and mind are conflicting when it comes to marriage and divorce, so it is normal to feel confused and uncertain about what to do. It can also be confounding to make a decision about something that doesn’t appear to have any positive consequences. Consulting a professional, becoming aware of your thinking and feelings, and taking the proper amount of time and space is integral to making the best possible decision for your future.