You are not alone—not everybody loves the holidays, and plenty of people hate them. Thanksgiving is only round one. Not long after, you get socked with a real haymaker, the endgame (literally, December)—Christmas or Kwanzaa or Hanukkah or whatever version of party-on you choose … or that’s been chosen for you, I suppose.

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Not to mention it gets really dark really early now and, depending where you live, perhaps freezing cold and snowy. The celebrations you don’t feel part of, plus the longer nights, the light deprivation, and the crappy weather, can cause emotional and physiological reactions that make you feel even worse.

A lot of people struggle with the commercialization of the season as well; many stores set up holiday displays and started piping in seasonal music before summer was out! For many people, the significance of the holidays, or what they’re supposed to stand for, is lost in the hustle and bustle.

No, you are not a terrible person for feeling down this time of year. A great many people feel depressed and stressed and lonely and grief-stricken and resentful this time of year. It may seem like everybody else is celebrating with special loved ones and you’re not, and you may feel all alone and, worse, obligated to join celebrations you don’t feel are for you. But remember, not everyone has family, not everyone has family they want to spend time with, and not all families have learned to put aside the family drama and just let everybody have a good time together.

There’s a store near where I live. Every year about this time, they put a sign in their window: “Sharpen your knives for the holidays.” It’s a hardware store, so I read it literally—bring in your knives and we’ll sharpen them right up. But for what? I always wonder. Are those knives for slicing up turkey and ham or for self-defense? Do we kind of feel like turkeys and hams, sitting around the big table with all those relatives we have nothing to say to and who don’t like us much either?

No, you are not a terrible person for feeling down this time of year. A great many people feel depressed and stressed and lonely and grief-stricken and resentful this time of year.

Do you have to see your family? Spending time with friends instead can be enjoyable. Would you feel guilty if you did that?

Put aside for a moment family obligations. What would YOU like to do? What would make YOU happy? Some reflection on why, specifically, the holidays are so rough for you may help guide you as you search for ways to get through them. Any form of self-care might do. You deserve to feel taken care of, even if it’s you doing the caretaking.

Forget, for a moment, everyone else’s expectations of you—which are probably based on the expectations others have of them, anyway. What are YOUR expectations, both of yourself and of others? The weight of feeling like you have to meet someone else’s expectations can add to heaviness of the holidays. Know what matters to you and strive for that, first and foremost.

On the other hand, how long do the holidays last? Two dinners together can’t last longer than, say, twelve hours all together? Six hours each, maybe? Of course, in some families, even that much time can feel like an eternity. It may be that you have to set boundaries in order to ensure that your needs are met. This could mean limiting your exposure to family gatherings or festivities in whatever way makes them manageable or palatable. Two hours per event? Three? A $10 limit per gift? No gifts? Whatever you decide, no guilt necessary; you’re simply doing what you need to do.

Is there somebody you can talk to? There is always somebody, even if that person is a therapist, support group, help line, or faith or church community. I can assure you that you are not alone, and that many other people out there would likely find comfort in knowing you feel the same way they do. If you can’t bear the thought of family time, let like-minded people be your tribe this season—a season that will mercifully pass.

Sincerely,
Lynn

How upsetting to make such a discovery! It is unusual, developmentally, for an 8-year-old to smear feces on the wall, though I would hesitate to jump to the conclusion of mental health issues or other concerns without having more information.

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It doesn’t sound as if there has been a lot of open communication between your families historically. If that is the case, I can understand your hesitation. It sounds as if you are trying to be sensitive to their feelings, which is admirable. If, however, there are some developmental or behavioral concerns, it is important that her parents are fully informed so that they can take appropriate steps to get her the support she needs.

My recommendation would be to share the information in as nonjudgmental a way as possible. You can mention what you found, express that it puzzled you, and that you just wanted them to be aware.

My recommendation would be to share the information in as nonjudgmental a way as possible. You can mention what you found, express that it puzzled you, and that you just wanted them to be aware. Be sure to avoid jumping to conclusions or making accusations about intent. Sticking to the facts can make it easier to present difficult information. You said she “seems like a nice girl otherwise”—she likely IS a nice girl, and while it may be difficult to fathom what led to her actions, the simplest way to find out what happened is to ask.

It might be an awkward conversation. The parents might react defensively or with embarrassment. They may also appreciate knowing. What does your husband think? It is his sister and her family, after all. Does he have suggestions on what approach might work best? Would it be easier if the information came from him?

You also may want to consider what you would want if the roles were reversed. If it were your child, would you rather find out right away, thus allowing you the opportunity to respond to your child’s needs? Think about what it might be like the next time they visit. Would you feel comfortable putting her in the guest room again? Chances are, this incident would come up, and then the embarrassment and awkwardness could be coupled with frustration at not having heard about it before.

Best of luck,
Erika

A WebMD study of stress in parents and children suggests many parents may not notice signs of stress in their children. When parents do recognize their children’s stress, they often misattribute the stress to schoolwork challenges, even when the cause of the stress is closer to home.

Do Parents Recognize Their Children’s Stress?

WebMD’s 2015 Stress in Children Consumer Survey collected data from June 1 to July 31, surveying a total of 432 parents of children aged 5 to 13. The survey showed high levels of stress among parents, who rated their stress on a scale of 1 to 10. Fifty-seven percent reported their stress at a 7 or higher, and almost 1 in 5 parents said their stress was a 10.

Even though these parents reported high levels of stress, most did not think their kids were stressed. In fact, 60% percent of parents ranked their children’s stress at a 4 or lower.

To analyze children’s stress levels, the survey asked about behaviors associated with stress, such as arguing, crying, anxiety, and headaches. Seventy-two percent of parents reported their children had at least one symptom associated with stress during the last 12 months. Forty-four percent of children complained of headaches or stomachaches, and 38% said they experienced frequent nightmares or insomnia. Forty-three percent of parents said their children argued more than usual, and 37% reported an increase in crying or whining. These findings suggest that parents notice symptoms of stress in their children but may not attribute these symptoms to stress.

Why Are Kids So Stressed?

The array of stress-related symptoms reported by most children in the study indicate that kids often struggle with stress, even if their parents do not correctly identify their symptoms.

[fat_widget_right]When asked about the sources of their children’s stress, most parents (53%) said schoolwork and homework were key factors, and 51% said their children’s friends caused stress. Yet 60% of survey respondents reported a stressful family event—such as a divorce, job loss, or death in the family—in the last year. This suggests much of children’s stress may stem from difficulties at home.

Bullying may also play a role in children’s stress levels. Thirty-eight percent of parents reported that their children experienced bullying, with 51% of those parents placing their children’s stress levels between 8 and 10.

The American Psychological Association’s Stress in America survey may help illuminate some causes of stress among older youth. During the school year, teens often report higher stress levels than adults, though 54% of teens say stress has little or no impact on their physical health, compared to 39% of adults.

Helping Stressed Youth

Therapy can help kids better manage their stress, and some of those coping with conditions such as anxiety or depression may also obtain benefit from medication or extensive lifestyle changes. Overload can affect a child’s overall well-being, so the American Academy of Pediatrics advises parents to intervene if they observe one or more of the following in their children:

• Frequent physical symptoms, such as stomach pain or headaches
• Fatigue, restlessness, or agitation
• A depressed or low mood, irritability, or negativity
• A loss of interest in previously enjoyed activities
• Difficulty communicating about negative feelings
• Changes in grades
• Behavior problems such as stealing, lying, or neglecting family responsibilities
• Changes in a child’s level of dependency; some stressed kids regress, becoming more dependent on their parents

References:

1. American Psychological Association survey shows teen stress rivals that of adults. (2014, February 11). Retrieved from http://www.apa.org/news/press/releases/2014/02/teen-stress.aspx
2. Shaw, G. (2015, August 17). WebMD survey: Parents don’t see kids’ stress signs. Retrieved from http://www.webmd.com/children/news/20150817/stress-survey
3. Signs of overload. (2015, August 20). Retrieved from https://www.healthychildren.org/English/healthy-living/emotional-wellness/Pages/Signs-of-Overload.aspx

Many parents will readily admit that parenting is the most challenging job they have ever had. According to a new study published in Demography, becoming a parent may make people less happy, and that unhappiness can cause parents to avoid having more children.

This might help explain why more than 15 million American families only have one child, which accounts for an increase in one-child families in recent years, according to the United States Census Bureau.

Does Happiness Decrease After Having First Child?

Lead researchers Rachel Margolis, of the University of Western Ontario in Canada, and Mikko Myrskylä, of the Max Planck Institute for Demographic Research in Germany, theorized that pleasant experiences with a first child might inspire couples to have more kids, but a difficult transition to parenthood could discourage further family growth after one child. To test this theory, they used data from 2,301 German parents who participated in the German Socioeconomic Panel Study between 1984 and 2010.

Each year, the study asked participants to rate their happiness on a scale of 0-10. Parents also answered questions about their relationships, jobs, and childbirth experience. This allowed researchers to compare parents’ happiness two years prior to having a child, through the transition to parenthood, and up to a year after becoming parents. More than 70% of parents reported becoming unhappier after the birth of their first child. On average, they reported a 1.4-point drop in happiness compared to two years before their first child was born. More than a third saw their happiness plummet by more than 2 points.

Unhappiness was also tied to the decision to have another child. Fifty-eight percent of parents who reported a decline in happiness had a second child within 10 years, compared to 66% of parents who did not experience a decline in happiness.

[fat_widget_right]Among parents aged 30 and older and those who had at least 12 years of education, the correlation was stronger. The researchers speculate that this may be because mature, well-educated parents may be better at applying their experiences to family planning decisions. Parents with more education may also have demanding careers that make it more difficult to balance family and work obligations, but the researchers say their findings remained even after accounting for factors such as parents’ income, marital status, and place of birth.

Despite Research, People Still Have Kids for ‘Joy’

The study only tracked happiness scores a year after having children, so researchers are not sure that childrearing leads to a permanent drop in happiness. It could be that the sleepless nights usually associated with raising a newborn, coupled with the challenges of transitioning to parenthood, temporarily cause happiness to plummet.

Previous research highlights the nature of parenting, which can be stressful. A study by sociologists Kei Nomaguchi and Melissa A. Milkie found that couples who became parents did more housework and bickered more often. That same study also found that mothers were less depressed after having kids than single women without children, and that single fathers were more likely to be depressed than any other group.

No matter what the research says, many parents continue to believe parenting is a recipe for happiness. A 2010 Pew Research Center study found that 87% of parents said they became parents “for the joy of having children.” Seventy-six percent cited this joy as a key factor in the decision to have kids.

References:

1. Jayson, S. (2010, May 6). Most parents have kids for ‘joy’; to many it ‘just happened.’ Retrieved from http://usatoday30.usatoday.com/news/health/2010-05-06-whykids06_ST_N.htm
2. Senior, J. (2010, July 4). All joy and no fun. Retrieved from http://nymag.com/news/features/67024/index5.html
3. Whiteman, H. (2015, August 13). Does becoming a parent make us miserable? Retrieved from http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/298122.php

This is a classic in-law conundrum. Many spouses can feel torn between their responsibilities to their families of origin and the families they are creating. It feels like a no-win situation for everyone involved. The quick—and oversimplified—response is that your husband needs to choose which of those families is his top priority and set appropriate boundaries. In reality, however, the issue tends to be far more complex.

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It sounds as if your husband (and perhaps his mother) believes him to be her sole source of physical and emotional support. Not responding to her needs is quite possibly laden with guilt and fear for your husband. It also sounds as if you have been incredibly accommodating (living with you for 14 months?) but that you are tired of being patient and feeling less important.

If you both can feel like you are on the same side, I suspect the pressure each of you feels will be reduced tremendously.

Fighting about it and competing with his mother for attention will only result in hurt feelings all around and a growing distance between you and your husband. When partners feel forced to choose, some will choose parents over partners; this can do irrevocable damage to relationships. I recommend that you seek out and work with a couples counselor to find ways to support each other as you navigate this dilemma together. Hear him when he says he feels “stuck.” He doesn’t see a viable solution, so working with someone who can offer a broader perspective and help you remain a team is very important.

It sounds as if your husband might also benefit from working on how to set workable boundaries with his mother without feeling the guilt he’s likely experiencing. Through that process, he will need empathy from you. When you feel (naturally) frustrated, try to imagine your husband stuck in the middle of a tug-of-war between wanting to meet your needs and wanting to meet his mother’s. Then imagine you and your husband pulling together in the same direction. If you both can feel like you are on the same side, I suspect the pressure each of you feels will be reduced tremendously.

Best of luck,
Erika

The key to tasty pizza is for each part—the crust, the sauce, the cheese, and the toppings—to be unique and distinct, but to blend into a well-balanced and delicious whole. Live life as though you and your family were a delicious pizza. This is the goal of family systems theory, though it’s probably not quite how founder Murray Bowen would phrase it.

Bowen was likely too academic to associate his work with a pizza, but it really helps explain his concept of good relationships. He used the term self-differentiation and taught that families and other groups function best when we are connected and in good relationships with other people. But at the same time, we are able to form our own opinions, feel emotions that are different from those around us, and choose our own responses to situations rather than simply following expectations.

Simply put, this means that if you are the crust on the metaphoric pizza of your family, your role is to be a sturdy foundation for the rest of the pizza. Regardless of the specific ingredients, you hold the rest of the pie together. If you are spread unevenly or have a big hole in the center, this will make it hard for the sauce and cheese to stay on top and not stick to the pan.

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Here’s a real-life example of a family or workplace picnic that gives a variety of possible responses to one tricky situation. Each response results in a different balance between holding onto your own integrity and responding to the needs and expectations of others. Each possible response corresponds to a “relationship pizza quality score” rated from zero to five, with zero showing no self-differentiation and five indicating a high level of self-differentiation.

This scene takes place at either a picnic with extended family, a workplace outing, or a gathering of friends.

You arrive at the gathering and greet everyone. One particular family member or friend leads you toward the food table and piles a rich and savory dish onto a plate. They hand the plate to you and says, “You are going to love this!”

You look at the food and realize that you can’t eat it because you are on a new diet and this is not the kind of food you can eat right now.

Response One

You reluctantly take the plate and eat it without saying anything. You feel guilty and bad about yourself, but you don’t want to offend the other person.

Pizza Quality Score: 0

If you were the crust on this metaphoric pizza, you have holes in your dough. This represents a poorly differentiated response because you are letting go of your values and your needs and focusing only on the other person.

Response Two

You say, “No, thank you. It looks really good, but I’m on a new diet.” The other person responds by saying, “You are always on a diet. One taste won’t hurt you. I worked really hard cooking this.” This time you respond, “Oh, OK. Just one bite.”

Pizza Quality Score: 2

You start out with a response that defines yourself and sets your personal limits, but when the other person rejects that response and pressures you to eat, you let go of your own values and allow the other person to define you. If you were the sauce on this metaphoric pizza, you would be oozing off the edge of the crust.

Response Three

This time, when the other person complains about your diet and pressures you to eat a bite, you respond differently. You say, “No, I’m not going to eat that. That is just the way it is, so get over yourself.”

Pizza Quality Score: 3

Frequently, when one person changes their usual behavior, other people resist. Self-differentiation often takes hard work, but it can have life-changing benefits.You have taken a stand, but you are doing it by pushing the other person away and not showing any respect for their feelings.

Good self-differentiation involves both standing up for yourself and your values while simultaneously remaining connected to others. If you were the sauce on our metaphoric pizza, you have added a large amount of a spice that clashes with the cheese and the crust. The result is unappetizing, but edible. Let’s try again.

Response Four

The other person says the same thing, but you take a different approach. This time, you say, “I really appreciate all the work you put into that dish; it shows how much you care about me. I am sorry, though, I’m really not going to be able to eat any today. I need to stick to my diet.”

Pizza Quality Score: 4

You have held onto your values while also staying positive and appreciative of the other person.

Response Five

You can perfect your differentiated response by adding something to encourage a connection with the person in a way that doesn’t compromise your integrity. For example, after using something similar to response four, you could add: “How about if we take a walk together?” or, “I want to tell you a funny story about this new diet.”

Pizza Quality Score: 5

This response shows excellent self-differentiation because you are holding onto yourself and your values while fostering a relationship with the other person.

Finally, good self-differentiation does NOT depend on the other person’s response. Reaching out to foster connection is a self-differentiated move even if the other person responds by turning away. Frequently, when one person changes their usual behavior, other people resist.

Self-differentiation often takes hard work, but it can have life-changing benefits.

A happy event though it is, integrating a new baby into the family is a huge transition. It’s a huge transition for Mom and Dad, of course, but it’s also a huge transition for older children in the family.

The dynamic of the whole family changes when a new baby arrives. The arrival of a new baby can be one of the most traumatic events in a child’s life. It is a significant transition that must be handled with compassion and empathy, lest you risk harming his or her self-worth and sense of security. The integration of a new baby into the family can create an emotional crisis for children. Therefore, children need the assurance of their parents’ love more than ever.

It is completely normal for children to experience jealousy once a new baby arrives, even if the children are excited about having a new baby in the house. The reality is that children will have to adjust to the shift in the amount of attention they receive from their parents. Children may experience this shift as a loss that they grieve. How children adjust to a new baby depends on their temperament and the ease of the transition of integrating the new baby into the family. The goal for parents is to help children manage their jealousy so that, sooner rather than later, love for the new baby can take over.

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The integration of a new baby tends to be most difficult for children 18 months to three years. Children younger than that aren’t as aware, and children older than that typically have other things distracting them. When the time comes for the baby to arrive, parents need to ensure that children do not feel abandoned. Having Mommy go away to the hospital can be traumatic if the children are on the younger side and don’t understand why she left, which may make it more difficult to accept the new addition to the family once the baby is brought home.

It is best to start preparing children for the new arrival before the baby even arrives. The goal is to help children feel connected to the baby and to become enthusiastic about its arrival.

Strategies for Helping Children Embrace a New Sibling

The following are some strategies parents can use to help children adjust to a new sibling:

• Be willing to validate children’s unhappy feelings. Acknowledge the frustration children may feel when a new baby arrives. By acknowledging the challenging parts, children won’t feel the need to bury or suppress their feelings, which is often at the root of misbehavior.
• Focus on what hasn’t changed. Even if they’re exhausted, parents should try to sustain whatever rituals have been established with their children.
• Don’t pressure children into “loving” their new sibling or being a “good big brother/sister.” If children are given time to adjust, they will have more room to bond naturally.
• Offer children the chance to be alone with each parent. One-on-one time with one parent may make less attention from the other more tolerable and remind children that they are still special.
• Create opportunities for children to be recognized. Tell others within earshot how helpful it is when they carry the diaper bag or get the baby powder. Also, remind children how lucky the baby is to have them for an older sibling.
• Recruit help. Enlist the help of a person the child likes or family members to spend time with the children and offer extra time and attention.
• When children are emotionally charged, process big feelings. Regardless of the reason they are upset, the opportunity to express their feelings (crying, yelling, etc.) and be comforted by a parent will help them adjust.

Patiently allowing the time needed for children to adjust to the arrival of a new baby, and providing love and emotional support of their feelings, will help children to recognize that their feelings are accepted and understood. As a result, children may be more likely to accept the arrival of a new sibling and view it as a joyful event.

Thank you for reaching out with such a powerful and important question. I commend you for taking the time and being thoughtful, considerate, and deliberate in planning your course of action with what could be a highly sensitive situation.

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My first thought about this is whether you’ve spoken to your girlfriend about your concerns. Does she know about your family’s tendencies? She may have similar feelings or worries, and together the two of you can discuss the various options and come to a decision that best suits everyone. I’m quite confident that she has been dealing with various forms of racism for quite some time, as she was in an interracial relationship and now has biracial children. Given that, she may have her own perspectives on how to deal with situations like this in a way that is supportive to her and the children. If you haven’t yet spoken with her about this, I would suggest you start there. Not only will having that discussion clear things up for you and help you clarify your course of action, it will help build your relationship by fostering open and caring communication.

As the saying goes, the best defense is a good offense. I suggest you openly discuss this with the whole family, talk about your concerns, and plan a strategy.

Should you both decide to attend the family reunion, you may indeed be faced with the challenges you are concerned about. As the saying goes, the best defense is a good offense. I suggest you openly discuss this with the whole family, talk about your concerns, and plan a strategy. Discuss the fact racism still exists, it’s still a problem for minorities, and it can be incredibly hurtful to be on the receiving end.

If your family makes racist comments, you can choose how to handle it. You can decide as a family if you are going to address the comments calmly and rationally, or if you will decide to remove yourself from the situation. You can plan a response such as, “I will not allow my family to be subjected to this sort of racist behavior. If you want us to stay, you will apologize and refrain from further comments of that nature.” The other option is to choose to leave immediately.

What is NOT a good option is to lose control, get angry, and make a scene. As difficult as it may be to remain calm in those types of circumstances, nothing is ever resolved by acting in anger. If you are concerned that you can’t handle this sort of situation without getting angry and making a scene, I suggest you not be in it at all.

It sounds as though this relationship has the potential to be long-term, as you seem committed to her and the children. If that is the situation, you will be faced with a lot of racism, microaggressions, and other painful situations for as long as racism continues to be an issue in our world. Sadly, there is a long way to go on that front. You are in a unique position to act as an ally for your girlfriend’s children, and in some ways, for all people of color.

If you and your girlfriend decide to go to your reunion and face what can possibly arise, you are opening yourselves up to be uncomfortable, hurt, and upset. On the other hand, you may be opening up opportunities for dialogue, reflection, and maybe even change in your family. This is not an easy situation, and it will require much of you and your girlfriend to navigate it with grace, but I believe that with honesty, openness, and a willingness to engage, you can manage it. I hope you believe that, too.

Best wishes in the journey!
Lisa

Amid or following divorce or separation, some families face the issue of one or more children refusing to be in contact with one of the parents. While the dynamics of any family experiencing this can be quite complicated, children may behave in this way for a variety of reasons.

Here are some examples (for the purposes of this article, one parent is referred to as the preferred parent, the other the resisted parent):

• There may be conflict between the parents, and the child does not want to remain caught in the middle.
• The child may have been closer to one parent than the other when everyone lived together.
• The child may be in a developmental phase where alignment with one parent over the other is age- and/or gender-related.
• One parent may be involved with a new partner before the child is ready and/or comfortable with the situation.
• The preferred parent is more financially secure or otherwise stable than the resisted parent.
• The child chooses who he or she believes most needs to be taken care of based on the circumstances.
• There is ongoing litigation (even if the children do not know the details, they often see the effects of the stress).
• Both the preferred parent and the child believe the resisted parent is not safe.

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In these situations, it is often the favored parent’s belief that the resisted parent caused the resistance; meanwhile, the resisted parent often believes that the favored parent is responsible for the child’s refusal to see him or her. While either of these scenarios can certainly be the case, families are complicated systems in which many behaviors and relationships impact what everyone experiences.

There are two important options, which are not mutually exclusive, to consider here: (1) Improve both the favored and resisted parents’ relationships with the child, or (2) improve the co-parenting relationship. As complicated as the family system may be, individual relationships within the system can be addressed. Both parents have responsibility for their part in the family dynamic, including the favored parent.

When children can see their parents having civil and respectful interactions and making it a mutual priority to offer safety, this often leads to a relaxation of the need to push one parent away.

The favored parent may have a difficult time seeing or appreciating how he or she responded when the child did not want to see the other parent. When a child tells you about something negative that happened with the other parent, for example, it can feel natural to sympathize with the child and build a case against or undermine the connection between the child and the resisted parent. This isn’t fair to the other parent or the child. When a child provides negative information, contacting the other parent and asking what he or she knows about it is a good place to start. Secondly, it’s important to help your child understand that he or she can talk to the other parent about it and not have you be his or her voice.

The resisted parent, of course, has an important role to play in the relationship with the child and in behaving in a way that is inviting. Children who resist a parent sometimes feel the expression of affection, for example, as intrusive. It can be expressed, however, without the expectation of reciprocation. This gives the child room to make a choice. It sometimes happens, with time, that the child begins to respond. It is important that the resisted parent let the child know he or she is loved, without conditions.

There are many more ways for both the resisted parent and the preferred parent to alter their behaviors with the goal of improving the relationships between children and parents. The most important is to improve the co-parenting relationship. When children can see their parents having civil and respectful interactions and making it a mutual priority to offer safety, this often leads to a relaxation of the need to push one parent away.

If a child in your family is resistant toward one parent and your co-parenting strategies have been ineffective, contact a therapist in your area for help.

For those of us in the United States, baseball season is well under way, with the major league season at its midpoint. I love baseball season—warm sunshine, the smell of freshly cut grass, kids smiling and dancing in the stadium bleachers. Hot dogs always seem to taste best at a baseball game, don’t they?

As an avid fan of America’s pastime, it should come as no surprise that I contend that you can learn important life skills and lessons from the game of baseball. Baseball involves competition, strategy, and teamwork, all useful life skills, and teaches those who play it to win and lose with grace.

A batter gets three strikes before he is “out,” or four balls before he “walks.” In life, we are given multiple opportunities to accomplish our goals, if only we keep our “eye on the ball” and are motivated enough to keep trying. In baseball, there are multiple ways to get on base, just as in life there is usually more than one way to accomplish a goal. In both cases, it takes patience, focus, and intent. Often in life, things don’t “just happen.” Motivation and intention serve as catalysts in helping us achieve our goals.

What fuels motivation and intention with regard to accomplishing a goal? A sense of meaning or having a stake in the outcome. Meaning, or making meaning, drives us.

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In baseball, there are nine defensive positions, with each having defined duties and responsibilities. The nine people manning these positions work together each inning toward a shared objective of three outs. The ability to work as a team involves understanding and embracing your unique talents and skills, and applying those talents and skills when and how needed for the benefit of the group or common objective.

Positions can change in any given context. Unless you live by yourself on a deserted island, there are various teams you are a part of in your everyday life. Probably the most important team you are a part of is your family. Inherent in family life are our roles (or “positions”), and those roles dictate our responsibilities in and to our family.

Unless you live by yourself on a deserted island, there are various teams you are a part of in your everyday life. Probably the most important team you are a part of is your family.

As we grow older, our responsibilities change. As children, we are taken care of by our parent(s); as parents age, children often find themselves in a responsibility shift wherein they are taking care of their parents.

Baseball games are full of strategy, from who will play where to the batting order to whether to swing away or bunt to when to pull the pitcher. Strategies are also employed in everyday life in order for a family team or work team to succeed or run smoothly. Such strategies play out in myriad simple or complex ways, from who will pick up the kids to how to meet a team project deadline. Discovering and appreciating our talents and how we can best “play our position” or contribute to our family/work life is an important life skill. Working together is key for any kind of team or unit to succeed—families included.

Finally, in baseball, no matter how well everyone plays, one team wins and one loses. Just as succeeding is a part of life, so is failing. One of the most important lessons baseball (or any sport) can teach us is how to win or lose—how to succeed or fail without letting either outcome define you. Because neither one should.

Life is full of wins and losses. Getting into college, a job promotion, and finding true love are happy life experiences that might generally be considered wins. But meaningful relationships sometimes end, people lose jobs, and there will be illnesses and deaths of loved ones. Just as in a championship baseball game, losing is often harder than celebrating a win. Just as a team that loses a hard-fought game will regroup and come out and play another game, those who experience painful losses can regroup and wake up to a new day. The loss is still there, and nothing will change that, but something generally can be learned from the experience of loss.

Baseball teams learn from losing all the time. Often, losses in life can teach us our most valuable lessons and give us our greatest strengths.

So next time you are taking in a baseball game, think of the correlations between the game and life … and enjoy every inning of both!

During healthy development, children learn that the people around them are mostly safe and trustworthy. Even when they do not get what they want, they eventually learn to self-soothe in many ways as they grow. They may try persuasion or defiance to get what they want or avoid what they do not want, but ultimately they learn that being respectful and cooperative maintains stability. Because the average child’s brain is not easily triggered to extremes, they typically find ways to self-soothe, delay gratification, and self-regulate their emotions.

Either due to traumatic experiences—including abuse or extreme neglect—or developmental anomalies, some kids have intense fight, flight, or freeze responses and little ability to self-soothe. Chronic volatility in family relationships can also set this pattern into motion. Developmental neurobiologist Daniel Siegel (2003) wrote, “The mind develops as the brain responds to ongoing experience.” Problem behavior is a manifestation of well-worn neural and cognitive pathways that translate into reflexive emotional, cognitive, and behavior patterns.

We must learn to detour kids’ domino-effect reactions, which so frequently emanate from underlying fear or shame. Matthew Selekman (1993) wrote that change arises “out of the breaking of patterns, both of thought and action, the interruption of repeating sequences.” Many adults perpetuate volatile cycles of emotion, thought, and behavior unintentionally by interacting with children in ways that trigger further volatility.

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Navigating out of these ruts requires self-control, empathy, and creativity. Explosive and withdrawn behaviors are typically adaptive responses, arising out of needs to be liked, valued, and respected, needs to have some sense of predictability and control, needs to heighten or lessen sensory stimulation, or all of the above. When behaviors are confronted through criticism or control, a defensive neurophysiological response perpetuates the vicious cycle through an emotional display on the outside of feelings being felt on the inside.

Development is a train choo-choo-ing along. When the Polar Express slid out of control on a lake of ice, it took courage, creativity, and collaboration to aim it back onto its tracks. It is important to maintain firm guidance alongside unconditional acceptance, as well as to discern that fine line between what is vital and what is negotiable. Consequently, the need to become defensive and act out may diminish over time if the child finds that it is not needed anymore to be heard or to feel loved.

I describe therapeutic connection in the acronym ATM, in which “A” stands for accommodation, “T” for tracking, and “M” for mirroring. We maximize opportunities for connection when we accommodate our use of words to those used by another, track and intentionally relate with the stories they tell, and mirror body language to the extent that it sends the message, “There is no need for defense. I’m here with you, and I care about you. I’m trying the best I can to know you.” This is part of the way we invest into the relationship account, and when the time comes for withdrawal, those who have done so won’t go for broke.

It is important to maintain firm guidance alongside unconditional acceptance, as well as to discern that fine line between what is vital and what is negotiable.

Children who are withdrawn often need greater affirmation of their strengths and efforts. Mark Twain once wrote, “I can live for two months on a good compliment.” When someone approves of some part of who we are, it is as if that part of us becomes illumined. The need for approval can be compulsive, but just about anything can be. The truth is that we benefit from that sort of love in our lives. We grow better in the light.

Discipline should aim to teach and to train a child. We must not fail to teach facts and skills, for they are pixels in the resolution of a bigger picture. Yet, insight also has its limitations. I believe that there are few better ways to teach or train a child than to immerse him or her in the best experiences that life has to offer: fun, silliness, art, creativity, exercise, work, rest, food, adventure, and relationship—not necessarily in that order. I call these the parenting disciplines. Shared moments equal shared lives.

Children who are explosive may engage easily in power struggles. Before getting hooked in, learn the patterns and try to better anticipate them. Proactively communicate about expectations, limits, and consequences so that they are clear, measurable, and enforceable. When a power struggle is beginning, verbalize guidance authoritatively, then stop talking, and maybe even walk away. Become a broken record, if need be, in reinforcing limits. Play good cop/bad cop, and let established rules and limits do the dirty work.

If you accidentally get stuck in a power struggle, catch yourself, confess it, and end it: “Ah, you hooked me, and I just realized it.” It’s OK to change your mind. It’s also OK to be honest about your own internal ambivalence about a decision, yet to be firm in it. We need not hide these tricks up our sleeves.

Also, be sure that you understand the difference between perpetual tugs-of-war and constructive complaints or requests from your child. Be open to negotiating or changing your mind when there is opportunity to be flexible. Diplomacy and adaptability are fundamental life skills for all of us, skills that are gained via modeling and experience, and we would do well to pass them along to our children.

More than anything, it is important to remain calm and cool-headed when facing difficult behavior. The best strategy is to “seek first to understand and then to be understood.” When people are angry, resistant, and anxious, feeling that someone is attempting to hear and understand them can be calming and helpful.

Many children carry with them legitimate anger, fear, sadness, and shame related to predispositions, situations, and experiences largely out of their control. They need someone to love them in spite of ways they reflexively aggress or distance as they negotiate through ambivalent inclinations. At the end of the day, every child wants to be heard, which is just another way of saying understood, and loved, which is just another way of saying known.

There is a child in your life secretly hoping you will hear and love him or her today. Will you?

References:

1. Selekman, M. (1993). Pathways to change: Brief therapy solutions with difficult adolescents. New York: The Guilford Press.
2. Hartzell, M., & Siegel, D. (2003). Parenting from the inside out. New York, NY: Tarcher/Penguin.

You have put your finger on one of the biggest challenges in blended families—the role of stepparents in discipline. There is no single right answer for this question; every family and family situation is unique. You are also a newly blended family and will experience growing pains as you all, kids included, adjust to this major change.

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This may be hard to hear, but marrying your husband does not automatically make you “mom” to his kids. I hear your desire to parent, and I am sure you have so much love and guidance to offer them. If, however, you and your husband are not on the same page about your role, there is no way the kids will follow your lead. Your attempts to parent them without the support of your husband will only lead to confusion and tension and very likely resentment. You can still be a loving, responsible adult in their lives without having to be their parent.

You mention he doesn’t want the kids to have a negative view of you. Perhaps he is nervous that if you take on the role of disciplinarian, it will negatively impact their acceptance of you into the family or create conflict he isn’t ready to handle.

I often recommend to couples who are blending families that they discuss expectations and roles prior to making any major changes. It is not too late, however to have these conversations. I highly recommend that you and your husband enlist the help of a therapist who works with blended families to talk through your concerns. Your husband may have some specific reasons he wants you to stay out of the discipline realm.

You mention he doesn’t want the kids to have a negative view of you. Perhaps he is nervous that if you take on the role of disciplinarian, it will negatively impact their acceptance of you into the family or create conflict he isn’t ready to handle. One of the greatest challenges in blended families is a parent feeling like he or she has to choose between the new spouse and the kids. Your husband might be trying to avoid that dynamic by keeping your relationship with the kids strictly positive. You may or may not agree with those reasons, but talking about them is the first step, and a trained therapist can help nurture and guide that conversation.

It is important for your role in the family to be clear to everyone. You are entitled to respect as a member of the family. With four children approaching the tween and teen years, you can expect many challenges to authority—yours and your husband’s. It is critical that you act as a team with shared understanding and purpose. What that understanding is will depend very much on what works for all of you.

Best of luck!
Erika