Feeling angry is an incredibly natural response to the feelings of betrayal that come from infidelity. Your husband broke your trust. Your relationship has been damaged. All of this is very real and comes with legitimate emotional reactions.

Anger is a powerful emotion, and it can mask other feelings. I’m guessing you are also tremendously hurt. Anger may feel like a safer way to manage your pain, but it will slow your healing. Admitting and confronting the pain behind the anger is essential, and it requires vulnerability—which is hard when you are dealing with this kind of breach of trust.

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Time, of course, helps in the healing process. I wonder, though, what it is you might need from your husband to help you with that healing. I’m guessing that right now apologetic words and acts of contrition are not helping you let go and move on. Often, when we have been hurt, we need to feel that the other person truly understands the pain we are experiencing and gets how serious the emotional pain and betrayal really are. Your husband may think he has accepted responsibility and gets how hurt you are, but it can take time for the empathy you need to feel from him to actually be heard and felt in a meaningful way. Until that happens, the rest of the healing—grieving, letting go, reconnecting—can’t really move forward.

There are many ways people choose to apologize, and some really are better than others. “I’m sorry” alone rarely makes us feel better. “I’m sorry for everything” can also feel general and unsatisfying. If, however, we hear, “I’m sorry for doing [specific action] and making you feel [accurate reflection of feeling],” we can feel understood and see that person showing empathy and taking responsibility, which helps us move forward.

While you are waiting to feel that empathy, however, there are steps you can take to reduce your distress. Although your husband’s actions created this situation, his actions alone won’t necessarily change it. Ultimately, that is because other people cannot make us feel a certain way—we have a part in choosing our own reactions. What we feel often comes from the meaning we make of an event. What does this affair mean to you? What are you telling yourself about it?

For example, are you telling yourself that his affair means he doesn’t love you or doesn’t love you enough? Are you dealing with fear that it will happen again? Are you stuck on the message, “I didn’t deserve this. How could he do this to me? This isn’t right”? By uncovering those messages, you can look at the ones that are keeping you stuck in a place of anger and work to let those go. This will take time and work. You can’t just flip the angry/not angry switch. Having an open conversation with your husband about the time you need to work through your thoughts and feelings can be helpful. Letting him know what you need from him during that time can help engage him in the healing process and also start the two of you working toward becoming partners again.

One common message that betrayed spouses struggle with is, “It’s not fair. He/She had an affair and ‘gets away’ with it because I want to stay married.” That is a fallacy that keeps you stuck in an angry, resentful place. In truth, nobody is getting away with anything. Both of you have lost the relationship you had. You are suffering, and he is likely aware that his actions are at the root of that suffering. If he cares about you, that awareness is a source of pain for him. Also, you “get” to be the forgiving spouse, and he is stuck being the one who “did you wrong.” That’s not a fun role to play no matter how deserved it might be. I don’t say this to minimize your pain. You are entitled to feel angry and hurt. If, however, you are able to recognize that he may be in pain as well, you may have an opportunity to connect with each other.

The past cannot be undone. So, you are faced with a choice. If you truly want to stay with him and rebuild a relationship together, you are going to need to choose to let it go. You are going to have to focus on the good that is between you, to let the balance of a life together outweigh the pain of infidelity. You are going to have to connect with each other on a deeper level and recognize that you are both suffering without focusing on laying blame for that suffering at his feet.

The impulse to lash out and hurt when we’ve been hurt is very human but ultimately not helpful if you want to reconnect. You say you don’t want to lose him, but something has been lost. The relationship you had prior to the affair is lost. It is OK to need some time to grieve that loss. It is also OK (and I strongly recommend) that you get some help with all of this. I urge you and your husband to find a couples counselor who can work with you on how to reconnect after an affair. You can build something together, and it can be something beautiful, but it will be something new. You cannot go back to the place you were before, and wishing for that is going to keep you stuck in this place of pain and, yes, anger.

Best of luck,
Erika

Thank you for this question. Handling the extroversion/introversion combination in a couple is something that many couples face. I’ve seen it quite frequently in my practice. Your “opposites attract” reference makes a lot of sense to me in understanding this dynamic. In the early days of dating, the extrovert/introvert match can create a certain ease in the interaction—the introvert can sit back, observe, and reflect on how he/she is experiencing the date while the extrovert can process his/her experience of the date by talking, sharing, asking questions, and driving the conversation. After the first couple of dates, the introvert can go home and quietly reflect and the extrovert can go home and talk about the date with friends and family.

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Everything moves along quite smoothly until casual dating turns into a more serious relationship. At this point, some of the challenges of the introversion/extroversion combination start to become clearer. That seems to be where you and your boyfriend are now. Like most extroverts, it sounds like you thrive on having a very active social life and you want your boyfriend to be a part of that social life. But, like most introverts, he probably thrives in a quieter environment with more solitude.

Extroverts tend to have a preference for, and gain energy, by engaging in an external world of people and things. Introverts tend to have a preference for, and gain energy by, engaging in an internal world of thoughts and ideas. It’s important to understand this concept because it can help both of you avoid taking these things personally. Absent this understanding, your boyfriend might feel controlled and scheduled by your attempts to include him in your social life, and you might feel rejected by his hesitation. Another benefit of fully understanding this concept lies in the word preference—neither of you is dealing with an inability here, and that means you can both compromise. For example, when you are hosting, maybe your boyfriend can be there for an hour or two and then he can slip out and return when the gathering is over. Or perhaps there can be an agreed-upon limit on the frequency or duration of the gatherings.

I think open and honest communication is going to be the key here. If you two can develop a deeper understanding of where you are each coming from and the role that your preferences toward introversion and extroversion are playing, you’ll likely be able to come up with some compromises that feel agreeable. Working through this process together may even improve and deepen the relationship that you have with each other. If you find you are having trouble getting through these conversations on your own, consider enlisting the help of a couples therapist. I know you mentioned your boyfriend was not interested in individual therapy, but perhaps he would be agreeable to couples therapy that focused on addressing this issue in your relationship.

Best wishes,
Sarah

That girl in your head—she was your first love, perhaps? And your first heartache too? You still have feelings for her, it seems, and I think that while she may have many wonderful features, she built a life with someone else, not you. You don’t know what her life is from the inside, so it’s easy to make it seem ideal. It may or may not be.

Also, she dumped you six weeks after you joined the military. First off, she might have dumped you anyway—you first got together in high school, a time when relationships can be flimsy and fleeting. It’s part of growing up.

Why do you wake up every day with her in your head? I’m guessing it’s not her so much as it is you and her together, the way you were 40 years ago—young, hopeful, naive, the world opening before you. You shared the exciting spirit of beginnings, but I wonder how long that would have lasted even if you hadn’t joined the military.

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The world seems closed to you now. You say no one loves you or knows you deep down. Your wife had two affairs, and you have been having a kind of fantasy mind affair with that girl, the ineffable first-time perfect girl. She stands between you and your life. You are holding her in between yourself and your life. What you had together for a short time 40 years ago stands between you and your real life, and it is taking the place of your real life. It’s time for you to dump her and live now. There’s no do-over.

Your two kids, you seem to suggest, are teenagers or young adults, and only interested in your money, not in you. Perhaps that’s true, I don’t know. I’m not sure you know, either, since you live with a curtain that blocks the reality of yourself in your life in this moment.

Why do people torture themselves with visions of a perfect past, a wonderful experience, that doesn’t exist? Why do you? Are you afraid of your life now, of looking at who and where you are now? Is it painful?

Perhaps you’re unhappy because where you are now is not where you would like to be. You can’t go back 40 years, obviously, but you can look ahead to the future and see what kind of life you would like to craft for yourself, what you need to do to make it real, to build a life for yourself—no matter your age—that is rooted in the present so it can be satisfying and genuine.

How can you do that? You can look deep inside yourself. You can go to therapy, or to group therapy, and dig hard and come alive.

I wish you luck, love, and satisfaction.

All my best,
Lynn

Thank you for your letter. This kind of issue comes up frequently with couples, particularly early on in one’s marriage or partnership. It often involves a topic that has potent but conflicting meanings for the people involved. A classic, somewhat stereotypical example is the guy who is a fanatic for his home team and MUST watch the game. His spouse (or partner, I use the words interchangeably here) may roll her (or his) eyes or argue or whatnot; clearly, each person sees the activity or event differently. It may be the same for a woman who just HAS to see Bruno Mars or Dave Matthews or Prince for the first or umpteenth time, or buy those Jimmy Choos at 25% off.

In this case, the symbolic “event” or activity revolves around something even more potentially charged with meaning: alcohol and drinking. Alcohol is symbolically loaded (no pun intended) for many who have complicated histories with drinking and corollary activity. I’d be interested—were I your couples counselor (and this is all conjecture, mind you)—to know the roots of your wife’s concerns. Did she have a former partner who drank too much and/or cheated on her? You say, “I don’t think she trusts me,” which to me hints that there hasn’t been a direct conversation about this. It’s striking how often couples don’t communicate directly with each other, usually because we’ve never learned how to in our own families. It helps to speak one’s concerns directly to your partner—how you feel about it—for the purpose of understanding first, before “winning” the argument. Because it has to be win-win (or else it’s lose-lose).

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Listening is, in a way, even more important than direct expression of emotion; try to “mirror” the other person’s point of view emotionally, without interjecting commentary or editorializing, which means you might say, “I hear you saying it bothers you when I do this because (fill in the blank).” “It sounds like you’re feeling worried or frustrated about (blank).” Focus on the feelings, and don’t worry just yet about finding a compromise or solution (or “proving” your point). I find that couples often find such answers organically once their heart-centered listening is in place. It sounds like she really values her connection with you (a wonderful thing) and gets anxious about whatever this activity symbolizes for her. Perhaps her best friend’s husband hit on a girl at a bar and they broke up. Perhaps her dad was a womanizer, or ignored her mom by hanging with his buddies at the pub … and so on. (Hold Me Tight by Sue Johnson is a good book on this, by the way.)

I would also encourage her to listen to you and what these evenings mean for you. Rather than get into a tug-of-war power struggle—yes I will go, no you won’t, you’re not the boss, etc.—I would first suggest you reflect on why this is important, then communicate this to your wife. It sounds like this has become a necessity for you, and that raises my curiosity. What is it about this activity that feels essential (versus, say, a round of golf or a movie)? Both you and your wife would need to understand that before it’s “taken” from you. Maybe you had a controlling ex-partner, or maybe you saw your father controlled by your mom, which created marital strife, or maybe you believe your wife is overreacting or patronizing. Most people don’t like to be told what to do—or rather, “feel” like they’re being told what to do. (Often, requests, needs, or feelings are either stated or misinterpreted as demands.) The first step would be to state these feelings to her while keeping the focus on you and your feelings, rather than, “You’re being a controlling pain when you (blank).” Then she might try reflecting this back to you, so you each “try on for size” the other’s perspective without trying to negate, shoot it down, etc.

I had a tiny niggling intuition while writing this column that maybe your wife feels like ONLY a few rounds with the lads does the trick—while she’s kept at a distance. Perhaps her anxiety about being distant leads to you somehow feeling over-controlled (the classic pursue/avoid game). Perhaps she feels excluded (while you feel controlled and perhaps criticized). My hope is that after you share your feelings, you find an activity together. Maybe your wife could join you for a round one of those nights; maybe you could have people over to your house to watch the game. The guys can watch the game while the gals either join in or do something else. Or have a weekly barbecue. Something inclusive. There’s a very either/or tone to what you’re describing and a separateness that may be at the heart of what’s bothering your wife, who obviously wants to share your experience with you—togetherness and sharing are essentials for healthy long-term relationships. You’re both right, and both points of view need to be honored to prevent corrosion to the relationship. Hope that helps! Thanks for writing!

Kind regards,
Darren

It might surprise you to hear this, but I think you might be on to something in seeking self-acceptance. While I do not think that you should accept that your current circumstances and perspectives are all that you can ever hope for, it is very difficult to change deeply held beliefs about yourself. Leaping right to changing these beliefs might feel impossible and therefore fruitless. So, for now, you might simply accept that these are the beliefs that you currently have about yourself. Your next step could then be to fully explore these beliefs. Try to understand where they came from and how they are impacting your life. Partnering with a therapist to engage in this exploration could be very helpful.

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Often, the destructive beliefs we have about ourselves and the negative behaviors we engage in served a purpose for us at one time. For example, a child who is routinely told that he is no good and worthless might learn to believe this over time as a means of minimizing the shock and hurt that he feels when he is criticized. This child might also learn to keep people at a distance so that he does not risk being hurt by them, too. These coping mechanisms might help this child survive and make it into adulthood, but if he continues to hold these beliefs about himself and keep people at a distance, he will likely be quite lonely and unhappy. Working with a therapist might help you to identify the purpose that your beliefs once served and determine whether they are still necessary.

As for an exploration of how these beliefs are impacting your life now, consider some of the following questions: Do these beliefs prevent you from doing things socially? Do they interfere with your ability to succeed professionally? Do they create conflict in the relationships you have? Do they stop you from engaging in hobbies? Now, imagine you could somehow send these beliefs on a vacation for a day—they would just get up, leave you and be gone for the day. How might you feel without these beliefs about yourself? How would you spend this day? Who would you interact with? What would you do? Tapping into even a glimmer of what life could be like in the absence of these beliefs can arm you with the inspiration and hope you need to take some steps toward healing.

All my best,
Sarah

I don’t buy it, the fade-away stuff. I might go for burnout, considering that your kid just finished college, which implies many years of concerned parenting, but really, I have to say that you sound very successful—together with your wife you have created a solid marriage and seen your child graduate from UCLA. You must be doing something right, and I urge you to pat yourself on your back; you deserve it. I have the feeling you’ve been working hard for your family—long, hard work can lead to burnout—and now might be the time to take stock and then use some of that energy for yourself. You have completed an important life chapter. It’s time to turn the page and start another.

You wonder if you are having a midlife crisis, but I wonder what that means, exactly. Boredom? Dissatisfaction with where you are in the world at this particular point in time? You’ve never felt that before? Maybe you’re just tired out, finished with some things, and ready to start some new ones.

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Turning your attention to yourself is a challenge. Maybe you’d like to improve or make changes in your career, your marriage, or your health choices. Analyzing how to go about any of this, discussing different opportunities with your wife, can be rewarding. You can figure out what’s really important to both of you, your goals, and the steps you need to take to achieve them.

Perhaps you are having a “midlife crisis,” or perhaps you’re simply depressed. I recommend that you speak with a therapist to rule out dysthymia, a chronic depressive state characterized in part by feelings of hopelessness, ongoing negative beliefs, and a lack of energy for or interest in things you once enjoyed. Having a check-up with a physician is also a good idea. At 48, hormonal changes could account for a lack of zest and enthusiasm.

Whatever the case, it does sound like the spice has gone out of your life. Work. Dinner, TV, dog, bed. Boring. People in their forties or fifties often define their dissatisfactions, if they are feeling them, as age related. At the very least, unhappiness is heightened because you feel like time is running short. Your life is nearly half over, as you write. You feel internal energic changes, or see your parents aging or perhaps passing. I think it’s time for the next big thing.

People can lose their zest at any age. My prescription for people who feel that they live boring lives is to look around a bit and simply do something different. What are your dreams? What are the things you like to do?

I don’t know you, what your tastes and dreams are, but maybe you could fantasize a bit, or imagine doing your favorite things, then talk to your wife about them—she might have ideas, too—and then spin some of them out together, if they have mutual appeal.

If she is not interested in doing the same things that you are, so what? Who says you have to do everything together? Many couples have different interests, and that difference can in itself be spicy and stimulating. Doing everything together all the time doesn’t appeal to everyone. A little distance can make for a better relationship.

Also, who do you know whose life seems ideal? You might ask yourself who you look up to or even envy. That can be a clue, a signal for something you might do on your own or get for yourself—your own version, of course, not a copycat imitation.

I wonder, also, if you’re not maybe a little afraid to strike out in a different direction, and whether fear is preventing you from living as you would like. All change is scary, but it’s exciting, too.

The way I see it, you’re a guy in your late forties, and the world is as open as you are. It’s a big world, too, so get started.

All my best,
Lynn

Thank you for your honest question. If anyone were to tell you that you’re “going straight to hell” for this, believe me, you’d have plenty of company on the way down—and an especially good chunk of the male population ages 15-25. My first thought was “he’s in high school or college,” when hormones have pretty much taken over, especially for men.

But the shame you refer to indicates that this is more of a psychological than physical issue; it’s as if you’re violating some strict “rule” by pleasuring yourself, which (again) is natural. It’s sad when I hear of people who can’t enjoy this; nature clearly intended this, or we wouldn’t be so powerfully stimulated by genital contact. I wonder what “commandment” or prohibition you are “breaking” by self-stimulating? Because of the intensity of the feelings here, you might want to seek out a therapist or counselor to sort out why you feel such strong self-loathing after masturbating. I would bet, in fact, that the intensity of the self-loathing creates a need for relief—and thus the compulsion to do it a second time, which then, of course, only stokes the angry “inner critic.”

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I would wonder, if you or someone else were to bring this issue to my office, if the voice of criticism might in fact exist before the act, and thus create a need to feel good in a way that is self-activated. Whose voice is this? A critical parent or caretaker? When did it start? What is the “crime” being committed here? Are you ignoring something else you “should” be doing instead? I would also be curious about the attitudes around sex in your family of origin. Was it seen as something “dirty” or wrong? Or maybe it wasn’t even talked about, creating a kind of unspoken shame around the topic; it could also be you are inheriting shame around sex and pleasure from implicit or explicit family beliefs.

Sometimes such intensely self-hating emotions come when there has been some kind of overt or covert abuse, physical or emotional. I am not suggesting this is the case here, only that sometimes in my clinical work, I find an association of good sexual feelings with shame over an earlier boundary violation, subtle or severe. Of course, any intensive criticism you might have received, about what you are doing in private with your own body, would constitute a boundary violation of its own.

The other thing I’d want to explore is the question of whether masturbation is the only way to bring some kind of embodied, out-of-your-head relief or pleasure to yourself. Sometimes folks with obsessive minds pursue repetitive means of relieving an overburdened or tired mind. If you feel you have no choice but to masturbate, or if it drains you of necessary energy to complete the tasks of living (work, play, socializing), then you might be caught in a compulsive activity which might necessitate a therapeutic intervention. (I could be wrong, but my sense is that yours is not a compulsive or addictive issue, since those with sexual compulsions usually reflect more ambivalence or torn feelings than your letter indicates.)

The danger isn’t so much the “wrongness” of the act itself, in my view; it’s the long-term effects of shame and self-loathing over bringing pleasure to yourself, and possibly sexual activity, which might inhibit intimacy and get in the way of developing satisfying romantic relationships—either concerning sex itself or shame over your habit. (I wonder if shame might also be felt in other areas where you seek personal satisfaction, like career, creativity, etc.) Shame about sex tends to create defenses that can keep others away, with heartbreaking results, when those we care about feel pushed away.

Good for you for having the courage to write in about such a sensitive issue; it’s not only a common pleasurable activity, it’s relatively common to question whether it’s OK to do. You needn’t feel shame about the need to get some guidance on this, especially if balanced, non-shaming guidance was missing in earlier years.

Kindest regards,
Darren

Before I jump straight to the heart of your question—to divorce or to not divorce—I’d like to take a moment and encourage you to consider some intermediate steps.

What I hear you saying is that while you love your husband, have a generally positive relationship, and are companionable, you feel as if there is something missing from your relationship, something you do not want to do without for the rest of your life. I wonder if he feels the same way.

What might it be like to open a dialogue that celebrates the time that you’ve had together and opens up a discussion about what you each want for your remaining years? If you haven’t let your husband know that you aren’t satisfied with the status quo, you have not given him, nor you, an opportunity to see if your relationship can change. That seems unfair, and it does not honor the relationship you have shared these many years. It may be that he also feels unsatisfied and doesn’t know what to do about it. You can’t know unless you begin communicating with each other.

There are couples who work together to reignite the “spark” that has faded. There are some who stay married, yet change the expectations of their relationship so each can get their needs met. There are others who decide that separation or divorce is the best option for them. Figuring out which path is for you should be, at the very least, a conversation rather than a unilateral decision.

These conversations can be challenging, often because we are afraid to hurt those we care about. Imagine, however, the depth of hurt when one is blindsided by a request for a divorce with no indication that one’s partner is unhappy. You both deserve better than that—as does your relationship.

I encourage you to get the support you feel you need in broaching these topics with your husband. He might be hurt to learn that you are not satisfied with your relationship, but he also may be relieved to finally be talking about it. If you are hesitant to open up a dialogue on your own, you can work with a couples counselor to explore these issues. Divorce is a big step to take, with logistical, emotional, and financial ramifications, but if the two of you are open with each other, explore options together, and ultimately come to that decision together, the chances of retaining the positive spirit of your relationship are significantly greater.

Best of luck!
Erika

Therapy groups are formed around a common interest to promote cohesiveness, a central factor in the strength of the group. Generally, this central factor includes common life experiences as well as a common issue. Social anxiety is certainly an issue that affects all ages.

The group you’ve joined has three teenagers and three adults (ages 25-45). As you mentioned, generally groups of adolescents are kept separate from adult groups; this was addressed by the psychiatrist leading the group, but you do not write if there was any discussion around this issue. Discussion is a vital part of group therapy, as it is in individual treatment. I have questions about the group, and if there was a real discussion. Will the split ages split the group? Has good two-way communication been established?

Did everyone in the group start at the same time? It might be easier to have a discussion where everyone is equally new, although your questions should be addressed in any case. Was the group invited to share reactions, questions, and thoughts? There might have been a discussion, but in your questions you say that the “psychiatrist addressed” the age difference. Does that simply mean he or she mentioned it, and then the subject wasn’t taken up by group members? If there was no discussion including all members of the group, then there was not much dialogue and the question must still be addressed.

Will you meet for a certain number of weeks, months, or is this left open-ended? Will people be joining the group as you go along? Will group members have a say in this? At this time, the group is evenly split. This would change by the addition of one other member.

One factor in creating a group is homogeneity, which includes age. Homogenous groups are generally easier to manage from the group leader’s viewpoint and also show greater and quicker improvement than heterogeneous groups.

Are there external factors affecting the group leader, in this case a psychiatrist? The psychiatrist might have invited different age groups to attend so that enough people would participate to make a group.

To help you make your decision, I thought you might like to know some facts about group therapy, as explained by Irvin Yalom in his book, The Theory and Practice of Group Psychotherapy. Yalom is a pioneer in group therapy who identified what makes group therapy work.

Here is a list of five important factors:

  1. Universality: Shared feelings and experiences. Members of your group have similar experiences pertaining to social anxiety, for example, but the age difference will have an effect here.
  2. Altruism: Group members help each other, which has a powerful effect. Will the older members be able to help the younger members? Will the younger members accept help? Will their help be valued by the older members? Helping and being helped by group members is a powerfully curative experience.
  3. Instillation of hope: If people in your group have been members for different lengths of time, then someone who has been working longer might be a good role model for a new member. The older members in general might be good role models for the adolescents.
  4. Corrective recapitulation of the primary family experience: Sometimes people in therapy groups feel as though the group members are like members of their own families. This happens in a group where everyone is about the same age, but also in a group like yours, where the generations are a split. In this case the family experiences might feel a bit too real, which could hinder optimal group functioning.
  5. Cohesiveness: This is the most powerful and elementary factor affecting the group. Each member of the group has to feel that he or she belongs in the group and is accepted and validated. This might be a problem in the group that you described.

If you like, you can think about these points and see what your answers are, or even bring them to the group, first consulting with the group leader as to the policy regarding outside references, which might be experienced as interference.

Thanks for asking this interesting question. I hope this helps you decide what to do.

Kind regards,
Lynn

Thank you for your question. Boy, have you been on a roller coaster! In fact, this was my first response: Gee, does he really want to get back on? But then I reflected on it, and I began to see the question in a more positive light, thinking: Perhaps he really cares about her, loves her, and is willing to wait. Maybe he sees something worth waiting for. And what is nobler than that?

At the same time, it’s possible you are feeling some survivor guilt after all this intensity (i.e., a “horror film.”) Your girlfriend, while lovely in many ways, I’m sure, clearly has some posttraumatic stress-type abandonment terrors and, probably, some trauma or historical abuse to work through. This can take a while. It is hard to predict the course of therapy; my sense is that the more you give her space to really work on healing herself, the better. It is easy to find distraction when the hard road of recovery lies before you, especially in the early stages. Keep holding your ground, because many people in early treatment look for distractions or exits. In fact, I think the less talk of “we’ll give it another try,” the better. “Let’s see how it goes first” might be the more prudent approach.

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Even if you do decide to give love another try, she needs time to establish some emotional balance in her life, to withstand life’s inevitable volatility—which has proven so dangerously destabilizing to her. (She must have really been treated horribly at some point in her life; how lucky she has someone who cares for her so much now!) Treatment is very hard to predict. Based simply on what you describe, it sounds like she has some knotty psychological issues to untangle. Also, there are always relapses in the best of treatments, and the inevitable ups and downs. Be prepared for a long haul with—I hope—subtle but lasting changes along the way.

But let’s talk about you for a moment. You are in an existential dilemma in the sense that no one except you really knows what it is like in your own skin, to say nothing of what lies within your heart. Because of the complexity of what you are facing, and if I may be so bold, might I suggest some therapy for yourself? Your questions are actually about your girlfriend, but what lies within you? What do you need to be happy from this or any partner—what can and can’t you live with to feel safe? I suggest a cooling-off period where you spend time with friends or doing things you enjoy, getting on with life, seeing how it feels to live without the “horror film” and threats. Sad to say, but I wonder if your girlfriend is really available for a relationship, given the inevitable challenges of intimacy. (What does her therapist say about this?) Love is often given as “the answer” to life’s woes, but love, like life, is always subject to unpredictability.

You say you need “expert advice,” a wise observation given that you have been through trauma; though your tone is admirably stalwart, I can’t help but think it disturbing to have witnessed your beloved behaving so destructively, perhaps like someone you hardly even recognized. (Trauma states are often jarringly alien to friends and loved ones, even the person him/herself.)

No one can say, when all is said and done, whether your questions are reflective of love and devotion or so-called “codependence.” But counseling, even short-term, would probably help gain some perspective as the dust clears. You’re very smart, by the way, to hesitate before leaping back in. The fact you are hesitating to seek “expert advice” might indicate a need to explore the pain of your own recent experience as much as the possible return of the relationship. And yes, I do mean your pain, which counts just as much as hers—or should, if we’re talking about a romance between equals. Without something resembling equality-based thinking, where both partners’ needs “count”—a relationship between two committed, equally available and accountable partners—intimacy cannot thrive.

Best wishes,
Darren

First of all, I want to commend you on the great job you have done reflecting on and understanding your feelings around this issue, and on sharing them with your partner. It sounds like you two are able to communicate openly and honestly with one another even when it is not easy. I would encourage you to continue the conversation; keeping the lines of communication open will help each of you to get your needs met in the relationship.

Speaking of needs, I’m wondering if there is anything that your boyfriend feels is lacking in the relationship. It’s possible that he is perfectly satisfied by the relationship. However, there might be something he would like that he is not getting, or something he would like more of. If this is the case, it means there are things you can both be doing to nourish your relationship. If there is something he is seeking and you look for opportunities to provide that for him, he might not only feel even more loved, but also look for opportunities to make you feel loved by initiating that physical and verbal affection you are seeking. It could become a very positive cycle that allows you to deepen your connection to one another.

I’m also wondering about the other relationships in your life now—family, friends, colleagues, etc. What needs do these relationships fill? I raise the issue because our intimate relationships are so central in our lives that it can be easy to fall into the trap of expecting our partners to fill all of our needs. It is not possible for any one person to satisfy all of another person’s needs. So, if this is the expectation, even the best of relationships will surely miss the mark and leave us feeling disappointed.

Your level of self-awareness and your ability to speak candidly with your partner is so important. It was brave of you to acknowledge and discuss the connection you have made between your sour mood and your partner’s affection. This is definitely something you want to work through before it goes on too long. I doubt you want to have to be in a bad mood every time you want a little affection from your partner. Plus, while it is working now, your partner might grow to feel manipulated by it and ultimately become resentful. This is something you want to nip in the bud!

As I’ve said, the insight and communication here seems really strong, so keep talking to each other and working on this. If it seems like you are getting stuck, consider reaching out to a couples therapist to get some assistance with moving the conversation forward. Best wishes on your journey together.

Respectfully,
Sarah

When trust becomes difficult or impossible in relationships, the impact can be devastating. Trust is widely regarded as a fundamental psychological concept in the study of relationships, yet for many people, past experiences make trusting others feel dangerous or impossible. Whether stemming from trauma, loss, or early attachment disruptions, trust issues can create cycles of fear, anger, and emotional distance that sabotage the very connections we most need.

For many people, trust issues don’t start with abstract trauma, they start with something painfully concrete: a partner who cheated, suspicious messages discovered late at night, or the sinking feeling that something was off long before the truth came out.

In today’s digital world, breaches of trust aren’t always obvious. Emotional affairs, secret conversations, and boundary violations through texting or social media can quietly erode a sense of safety. Many people searching for help with trust are trying to answer a simple but difficult question: “Why didn’t I see this coming…and how do I trust again?”

This comprehensive guide explores how trust issues develop, their impact on relationships, and evidence-based approaches for healing. If you’re struggling with trust in relationships, know that you’re not alone—and that with the right support, healing is possible.

The Connection Between Trauma and Trust

Trust issues rarely develop in isolation. While major trauma can play a role, many people trace their difficulties back to relationship experiences that felt confusing, invalidating, or deceptive—such as being cheated on, lied to, or repeatedly reassured that nothing is going on when something actually was.

In everyday relationship contexts, trust is often damaged by:

As one therapist explains to a client struggling after parental suicide: “The kind of traumatic grief and loss you’re describing will definitely impact your relationships. Sometimes people who suffer such losses find it hard to sustain the kind of vulnerability and trust an intimate relationship requires… While extreme losses can deeply affect trust, many people experience a similar emotional pattern after betrayal in relationships: You find yourself becoming frightened or angry over the inevitable conflicts of relationships, or over ‘red flags’ that definitely indicate betrayal or abandonment due to the amplified after-effects of your loss.”

Aspects of the traumatic event and certain biological and social factors may make some people more likely to develop PTSD. For instance, previous exposure to adversity and other traumatic experiences, especially in childhood, can increase a person’s chance of developing PTSD later in life.

Common traumatic experiences that impact trust include:

Why Betrayal Feels so Destabilizing

One of the most disorienting aspects of betrayal is not just what happened, but realizing you missed or dismissed signs along the way. Many people describe being blindsided, even when, in hindsight, there were moments of doubt: things that didn’t add up, gut feelings that were pushed aside, or boundaries that weren’t enforced.

This is where trust becomes more than trusting others, it becomes about trusting yourself. If you don’t feel confident that you can recognize problems early or handle the truth when it appears, it becomes much harder to feel safe in any relationship.

How Trust Issues Develop: The Role of Attachment

Our early relationships shape how we understand trust, but you don’t need to know psychological theories to recognize the patterns. If you grew up feeling secure and heard, trust may feel more natural. If your early experiences involved inconsistency, emotional distance, or unpredictability, trust may feel harder to obtain and easier to lose. Relatedly, the attachment theory posits that trust emerges out of a secure parent-child relationship, and these parent-child trust experiences may translate and extend to relationships later in life.

Childhood trauma, including abuse, neglect, and emotional neglect, significantly disrupts emotional development and the attachment process. The maladaptive coping mechanisms formed in response to childhood trauma can persist into adulthood, complicating the ability to trust others and navigate emotional connections. This is particularly relevant in romantic relationships, where attachment styles established in childhood continue to influence relational dynamics.

Insecure Attachment Patterns:

Recent research found that insecure attachment, such as avoidant and anxious dimensions in parent–child attachment, was negatively associated with romantic relationship satisfaction in early adulthood. This matches with attachment theory that early insecure attachment can bring negative impact on later romantic interactions.

Common Signs of Trust Issues in Relationships

Trust issues manifest differently for different people, but common patterns include:

Emotional and Behavioral Signs:

Communication Patterns:

Relationship Behaviors:

The Cycle of Fear and Defensive Behaviors

One of the most insightful observations from therapy work is how “usually beneath anger is hurt, which might explain the intensity of the arguments you describe. You find yourself becoming frightened or angry over the inevitable conflicts of relationships… fear has a way of stoking adrenaline and anger as a way to defend against the terrors of loss and abandonment.”

This fear-anger-sabotage cycle is common in trauma survivors:

The symptoms of PTSD can cause significant distress and interfere with a person’s ability to engage in daily activities, including sleeping and eating. People with PTSD often have co-occurring conditions, such as depression, substance use, or anxiety disorders, which can further complicate relationship dynamics.

Another layer of this cycle is self-doubt. After being hurt or blindsided, many people stop trusting their own judgment: “How did I not see this?” This can lead to either hypervigilance (seeing threats everywhere) or avoidance (not wanting to look too closely at all). Both patterns make trust harder, not just with others, but within yourself.

Trust Issues After Grief and Loss

Loss can be particularly devastating to our ability to trust in relationships. While grief is often associated with death, many people experience a similar process after the loss of a relationship due to betrayal, infidelity, or deception.

*”Thank you so much for writing, and I’m very sorry to hear about your loss… It sounds like you find yourself unintentionally or unconsciously needing to defend against the terror of a repeated abandonment.”*

This response captures something crucial: after significant loss, especially traumatic loss like suicide, the fear of experiencing that pain again can make trusting others feel impossible. Recent clinical trials involving a combined 641 participants with Prolonged Grief Disorder showed that targeted grief-specific psychotherapy demonstrated over 70% effectiveness in resolving symptoms.

Specific impacts of grief on trust:

Darren Haber bio

Trust, Boundaries and Facing Reality

Trust is often thought of as something we give to others, but at its core, it’s also about trusting ourselves to face reality. When boundaries are unclear or difficult to enforce, people may ignore behaviors that feel uncomfortable or explain them away. This isn’t a failure, it’s often a way of protecting the relationship or avoiding painful truths.

But over time, avoiding reality can lead to feeling blindsided. Rebuilding trust, then, isn’t just about finding a trustworthy partner—it’s about strengthening your ability to:

In this sense, trust and boundaries are deeply connected.

Finding the Right Therapeutic Support

One of the most valuable insights about therapy comes from recognizing when treatment isn’t the right fit: “Ideally, we want to feel we’re seeing (and paying) someone who truly ‘gets’ how painful our challenges are (and why, within the context of our life histories), and who offers feedback or options that feel attuned to who we are and what we need at any given phase.”

Research supports several therapy approaches for rebuilding trust, but what matters most to many people is finding a therapist who helps them make sense of their specific experiences—especially around betrayal, boundaries, and self-trust.

Questions to ask yourself about therapy:

“A good therapist will be open to all sorts of feedback, so ask yourself these questions and please do voice your concerns with whomever you’re seeing.”

Building Trust in Relationships: Evidence-Based Approaches

Therapeutic Interventions

Couple therapy research shows that all family members benefit from trustworthy relationships, which result from (a) acknowledging the contributions of deserving family members, (b) engaging in responsible interactions, and (c) ensuring a fair distribution of relational burdens and benefits.

Attachment-Based Interventions:

Interventions that enhance interpersonal trust—perhaps through modeling trustworthy relationships or cognitive restructuring—could mitigate the impact of emotional alienation with parents on relational avoidance. Programs in college counseling or family therapy could include trust-building exercises to help young adults become more open and secure in romantic relationships.

Trauma-Informed Approaches:

Couples Therapy Approaches:

Building Trust Gradually: Practical Steps

For Individuals:

For Partners of Trust-Challenged Individuals:

“This really is impossible to do on your own… keep looking until you find the support that your heart and gut tell you is right.”

When to Seek Professional Help

To meet the criteria for PTSD, a person must have symptoms for longer than 1 month, and the symptoms must be severe enough to interfere with aspects of daily life, such as relationships or work. It is important for people with PTSD symptoms to work with a mental health professional who has experience treating PTSD.

Seek professional help if:

Crisis Resources:

Hope for Healing

“You have the courage to reach out and seek help, and that’s a noble thing… I can assure you that you’re not alone; so many of the people who come to me for help are wrestling with the same challenges, wrought by actual abandonments that have shattered their emotional lives and made current relationships difficult, if not impossible.”

Trust is responsive to important events and activities occurring within the confines of the relationship. That is, the major issues and themes in focus at the given period of a relationship’s development might give insight into the contents by which people construct their trust for their partner.

This means that trust can be rebuilt, even after significant trauma. With the right support, therapeutic intervention, and gradual practice, people can learn to trust again—both others and themselves.

For many people, healing begins when the focus shifts from “Can I trust someone else?” to “Can I trust myself to handle whatever happens?”

“Take it one day at a time, one hour at a time (fear tends to get us way into the future), and keep looking until you find the support that your heart and gut tell you is right.”

References:

  1. Camanto, O. J., Campbell, L., Stanton, S. C. E., & Others. (2025). Trust in close relationships revisited. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 42(9), 2516–2544. https://doi.org/10.1177/02654075251346105
  2. Daneshpour, M. (2025). Couples therapy and the challenges of building trust, fairness, and justice. Family Process, 64(3), 1–19. https://doi.org/10.1111/famp.12234
  3. Eisma, M. C., de Lang, T. A., Christodoulou, K., Schmitt, L. O., Boelen, P. A., & de Jong, P. J. (2025). Prolonged grief symptoms and lingering attachment predict approach behavior toward the deceased. Journal of Traumatic Stress, 38, 284–295.
  4. Goveas, J. S., & O’Connor, M. F. (2024). Prolonged grief disorder: Unveiling neurobiological mechanisms for a shared path forward. American Journal of Geriatric Psychiatry, 32(5), 535–538.
  5. Krabbendam, L., Sijtsma, H., Crone, E. A., & van Buuren, M. (2024). Trust in adolescence: Development, mechanisms and future directions. Developmental Cognitive Neuroscience, 69, 101426.
  6. National Institute of Mental Health. (2024). Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/post-traumatic-stress-disorder-ptsd
  7. National Institute of Mental Health. (2024). Coping with traumatic events. U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/coping-with-traumatic-events
  8. Papola, D., Miguel, C., Mazzaglia, M., Franco, P., Tedeschi, F., Romero, S. A., et al. (2024). Psychotherapies for generalized anxiety disorder in adults: A systematic review and network meta-analysis of randomized clinical trials. JAMA Psychiatry, 81, 250–259.
  9. Richmond, J., Anderson, A., Cunningham-Erves, J., Ozawa, S., & Wilkins, C. H. (2024). Conceptualizing and measuring trust, mistrust, and distrust: Implications for health equity and building trustworthiness. Annual Review of Public Health, 45(1), 465–484.
  10. Shanoora, A., Halimatusaadia, H., Mohd Abdullah, H., & Mohd Khir, A. (2025). Parent-child attachment and romantic relationship: Is there a relationship between parent-child attachment and young adults’ romantic relationships? The Maldives National Journal of Research, 11, 117–135.
  11. Smith, J. A., Johnson, B. C., & Williams, K. L. (2024). Childhood trauma and attachment styles as predictors of marital satisfaction: A psychosocial perspective from Türkiye. SDGs Review, 5, e06802.
  12. StatPearls. (2025). Grief and prolonged grief disorder. National Center for Biotechnology Information. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK507832/
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