What an incredible breach of trust. Not only did he lie to you about not having kids, which I’m sure made sense to him at the time, but he perpetuated the lie by actively hiding an account from you and keeping important financial information from you. Of course you are having concerns and wondering if you can trust him.

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Often people lie for one of two reasons—from fear and a desire to avoid negative consequences, or to gain something they don’t believe they can gain via the truth. Your husband says he lied initially because he didn’t think you would accept him if you knew the truth. Lying can become a habit and even a coping mechanism. Lying can generate fear of being found out, which necessitates additional lies until it looks as if there is no way out. It seems as if your husband justified continuing to lie for fear that if you learned the truth his world would unravel. I am not condoning his actions, but I can see how one lie begets another and another until it seems insurmountable.

Often people lie for one of two reasons—from fear and a desire to avoid negative consequences, or to gain something they don’t believe they can gain via the truth.Now that the truth is out, this would be a great time to work with your husband on becoming completely honest with you about everything. That means giving you access to all of his financial records, legal documents, and passwords as well as sharing his entire unvarnished history with you. Whether or not you intend to stay in your marriage, if you are going to parent with him, rebuilding trust is going to be important for you and for your kids. I recommend working with a therapist on this process. If your husband has indeed been hiding even more, being able to tell you about it in a safe, neutral environment may encourage more transparency. It may also encourage him to consider why he chose dishonesty for so long.

I should mention that, while uncommon, there are some individuals who lie without remorse, who use dishonesty to manipulate, or who lie simply because they can. It is a very small percentage of the population, and I am not suggesting that your husband falls into that category, but it might be helpful to have professional support as well to ensure that you are not dealing with this particular type of individual.

Best of luck,
Erika

I don’t suppose it’s much consolation, but you describe your situation very well—lost in your mind, indeed. You seem very much in your head, sort of like having an “out of body” experience of sorts. So the antidote might be to get out of your mind, if you will. I say that with a smile because I think if you get out of your mind and into the rest of yourself—body and soul, for example—you may feel less lost.

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How to begin?

First, I’d pursue a therapeutic relationship with someone who will help you lose your mind and find yourself. Does that sound trite? Maybe, but the truth is often so simple that people overlook it. Based solely on what you have written, you sound as if you might be depressed. There are a number of ways to deal with depression, including, depending on the individual, psychotherapy (talk therapy is helpful), medication (in concert with therapy), body therapy (yoga therapy or some somatic therapy or mindfulness activity that you find to your taste), and participation in doings that have nothing to do with work. Such doings may include, say, yoga or art or sports or music or, maybe best of all, a volunteer activity that will exercise your compassion.

You write that you are privileged and have no purpose. Find one. Maybe you could tutor, garden, or help out at the animal shelter.

You write that you are privileged and have no purpose. Find one. Maybe you could tutor, garden, or help out at the animal shelter. I don’t know what kinds of things appeal to you, but find something you like that will enable you to contribute to our world and then do it. Having had the privilege of a good education, you have much to offer your community and the world.

You write that you “put a smile on” and go on. I applaud your “going on-ness” and it’s a good start, but remember what Henry David Thoreau wrote long ago: “Most men lead lives of quiet desperation and go to the grave with the song still in them.” I hope you pursue and find your song and sing it. Sing several. Sing a cantata.

You say you have “no real human experience.” I’m not sure what you mean by that, but if there is some particular experience you are lacking, then this would be a topic to discuss with a therapist. What is it? Can it be achieved? How can you go about doing it? Perhaps your life’s purpose is to discover what is meaningful to you and then to manifest your meaning by helping others find what is useful and meaningful to them.

Maybe when you write “human experience,” you mean experiencing your feelings. If that’s so, I invite you to awaken your emotional life through action.

Changing the way you approach the world may change it. I wish you the best!

Take care,
Lynn

Despite using protection, you have gotten pregnant; naturally, you are shocked. You are not happy with your boyfriend, he is not a person you want to parent with, and you’re wondering if you even want (or have) to tell him that you are pregnant in the first place. You seem to indicate that your relationship doesn’t promise the stability—emotional and financial—that a child needs and deserves. You are worried but very clear-headed and caring in your analysis of the issues involved in your pregnancy.

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You ask whether you are within your rights to terminate your pregnancy and not tell your boyfriend. As you might know, abortion has been legal in the United States since 1973, when the Supreme Court ruled in Roe v. Wade that women have the right to abort prior to the viability of the fetus. I am not an attorney and nothing I write in this space should be construed as legal advice, but as far as I can tell the Roe v. Wade ruling doesn’t spell out paternal rights, and a little online research suggests that there are no barriers to you making this decision on your own, without your boyfriend’s consent or awareness (Planned Parenthood v. Danforth in 1976 addressed consent, and Planned Parenthood v. Casey in 1992 addressed awareness). Again, do not take anything I’ve written here as gospel. Your question is one that an attorney can and should answer definitively, possibly even over the phone. Please call one. You might also refer to Planned Parenthood, which would either be able to answer your questions or point you to resources that can.

Beyond the legalities, you ask “should it matter” whether your boyfriend knows about your desire to have an abortion. That’s a difficult question that only you can answer.

You do not indicate your age, nor do you ask whether your parents need to know, but for the record, according to Planned Parenthood’s website, there is no parental involvement requirement in New York for persons under 18. (Some states may require one or both parents to consent to an abortion or be informed of it, a requirement that can be waived by a judge.)

Beyond the legalities, you ask “should it matter” whether your boyfriend knows about your desire to have an abortion. That’s a difficult question that only you can answer. The fact you’re grappling with the ethics of it all is a sign, to me, that you are proceeding carefully and thoughtfully.

It seems to me that one of the questions you might be asking yourself is what it means to be a woman in the United States in 2015. There’s a book called Our Bodies, Ourselves, first published in 1973 and updated every few years—the latest edition was released in 2011. You might take a look at it and see if it helps you find peace. The book supports women taking ownership of their bodies, which seems to be one of the many issues you are struggling with.

You ask for reassurance that you are not a “bad person.” You don’t seem like a bad person to me. You seem like a worried and scared young woman who is in a bad spot and trying to figure out the best way out of it. I think you would benefit greatly from speaking to a counselor or therapist who can help guide you through some of the more challenging internal quandaries you face. You write, correctly, that it’s your body and your future that you have to consider when making important life-changing decisions. I salute your warm, level-headed, and thoughtful approach to finding your way.

Good luck! I’m with you in spirit.

Respectfully,
Lynn

Can relationships between people who share very different faiths work? Absolutely—but only if they also share a profound respect for one another and their respective beliefs. Does your girlfriend expect her partner (and perhaps future husband) to have an active shared religious life with her? If so, and if you are certain that this path is not for you, that is a conversation better to be had sooner rather than later.

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If you are open to sharing her experiences, that’s another story. It is also possible to share experiences without necessarily sharing the same beliefs. There are many people who accompany their partners to services that may not reflect their own personal spirituality or beliefs. As long as the expectations you have of one another are clear and accepted by both of you, faith differences do not have to be a deal-breaker.

As long as the expectations you have of one another are clear and accepted by both of you, faith differences do not have to be a deal-breaker.

What is most important is that the two of you have some open and honest conversations about your personal beliefs and the vision you each have for your future. Right now it’s just the two of you negotiating your relationship, but what might happen if you were to eventually start a family together? I imagine she might want her children to share in her faith and her experiences. Is that something you can see yourself accepting and supporting?

There are many families that make it work despite mixing very different religious views. Only the two of you can decide if that path will work for you. These are important conversations to have now and not months or years down the line. If you need help having these conversations, you may want to consult a couples counselor who has experience in issues related to faith-based differences.

Best of luck!
Erika

Thank you for your very honest question. This is, obviously, a sensitive topic. But you might take heart in the fact it is not all that uncommon an issue among couples.

In this case, it sounds like you have great respect for your wife but something is getting in the way of your enjoying physical intimacy. It also sounds like you struggle with the “double whammy” of feeling bad about your feelings about sex. In other words, you have a difficulty and then bad feelings about the difficulty. Try to give yourself a break with the latter, at least. It doesn’t sound as though you are intending to be unkind or selfish. It does sound as though there is some unconscious obstacle to enjoying closeness with your wife, whom you obviously love very much.

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You say she isn’t your “type” physically but also mention that with regard to sexual preferences, what she likes differs from what you like. The specifics don’t matter for our purposes here. What matters is that whatever she’s into isn’t your cup of tea. Again, this frequently happens with married couples, who discover a difference in sexual preferences or desires (or level of intensity, etc.) and then feel stuck in how to reconcile these differences, which may have very different meanings to each partner. What is edgy or exciting to one may be frightening or alienating to the other, and so on.

The first question that crossed my mind has to do with the timing of discovering that she isn’t your type, even though you obviously love her and want to be with her. Were you aware of this before marriage? Let’s say for the sake of argument you were. This to me could mean that (1) there are other qualities about her that drew you to her and made up what is lacking sexually, and/or (2) the sexual attractiveness factor was separated or minimized in your decision to marry.

I’d be curious about the underlying motivations here. The overall tone of your question suggests that perhaps your biggest struggle is with (I’m guessing) guilt or shame you feel about disappointing her sexually, rather than your own shortage of satisfaction. She seems to initiate sex, is how I interpret this, whereas you’d be happy just letting it go.

If I were your therapist, I’d be curious to empathically explore whether sexual compatibility was an issue before marriage, and what your motivations were to look for other factors in moving forward with marriage. I’d be even more curious to understand what sex means to you today.

Is it possible that, as with many young men, sex was too important in earlier relationships, so that you consciously decided to put sexual attractiveness or compatibility on the backburner with this relationship? That too much emphasis on sex (or something else about you) might turn her off? Do you compensate in the marriage with use of pornography or other self-satisfying methods? (If so, what would happen if you took a break? Would sex with your wife become more viable or enticing?) Did or do you struggle with sexual insecurities, as many people do (but are reluctant to talk about), which makes sexuality difficult or anxiety-provoking, even emotionally dangerous?

If I were your therapist, I’d be curious to empathically explore whether sexual compatibility was an issue before marriage, and what your motivations were to look for other factors in moving forward with marriage. I’d be even more curious to understand what sex means to you today. Was there guilt, possibly, over making sex a priority earlier on, or guilt or shame now about sexual enjoyment? Sometimes men are so intent on being respectful to women that they make their own desires and wants much less important, for fear of being a “pig” (which usually means they aren’t one). They may be ashamed of their sexual interests. Or they have developed a habit with porn (this may not apply to you) that they are ashamed of. Again, you are the one faking orgasm—so that, I surmise, your wife will not be disappointed or unhappy.

I wonder, in other words, about your sexual pleasure and happiness, which from what I gather is not as important as the other factors that make you crazy about your gal. If so, why? Perhaps your pleasure would also make her happy. Does she understand that her preferences, the things she likes to do in bed that you don’t, just are not doing it for you? It might be helpful to examine what it is you don’t like about these preferences. Is it that she is initiating them? Is there something emotionally or symbolically uncomfortable about it? Is sex too emotionally risky because one gets “naked” in a variety of ways (not just literally)? One simplistic example: A man with an overly controlling mother might be fearful of allowing a woman to lead the sexual dance too often, or forcefully, even if to her it doesn’t seem all that frequent or forceful; these are the types of differences that have to be gently and sensitively co-examined and mutually understood.

Each of us makes specific meanings of sex; for some, it may be a chance to express feelings and passions that can’t be said verbally, outside the bedroom. Some like darker or rougher sex, a way of expressing parts of themselves they feel can’t be “let out” otherwise (for various reasons). Some assertive people like to be more submissive (or remain assertive) in bed, and vice versa. Our choices come in so many different shapes and colors, choices that can mean very different things to a partner. What is enticing to some may be threatening to others, which can lead to misunderstandings and hurt feelings if not looked at in an empathic way.

To my mind, the most important thing is finding a way to communicate some of this—after your own self-examination and reflection, probably—with your wife, to avoid build-up of resentment, anxiety, or other emotional distancing. I might also take a look to see if there are other habits or methods of self-care that create distance between you and her. You might even want to seek out a couples counselor to help with this; even a few sessions can be helpful in assisting the communication and compromises necessary in this area, as with so many others.

It sounds like you care about your wife very much, which I found touching. I can only imagine she will be equally touched by your sincere effort to maintain or even build upon your connection with her, as she obviously means a great deal to you. And just because we have a problem doesn’t mean we are a problem.

Thanks for writing in.

Sincerely,
Darren

You write that you have lied, stolen, and pawned jewelry from family, and used that money to buy alcohol. You were seemingly out of control, but you weren’t really—you made choices, choices that had devastating consequences. Instead of showing your wife your best self, you showed her your worst. The only thing you didn’t do is cheat on her, although you lied about that, too, and told her that in fact you had been adulterous. The appearance of cheating was the last straw for your wife and finally broke your marriage. Did you know that might happen? How did you want and expect her to react? Why did you say you did something you didn’t do?

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These are important questions that probably have complicated answers. A good therapist can help you unravel the mysteries of why you did what you did. That deeper exploration and understanding of yourself is key to keeping such behavior from happening again. In your letter, at least, you seem to be taking some ownership of your actions, and that’s a good first step toward healing. It’s far from the only step you’ll need to take toward preserving your marriage, however.

You have been together for 13 years and have two children, so there’s clearly a loving foundation somewhere underneath all the noise; you say you “really love” your wife and “want her back.” You have just begun seeing a counselor (good idea) and have started running (another good idea), but your wife says you should work on the marriage, not on yourself. She’s partly right and she’s partly wrong. Working on yourself is part of working on your marriage, but another part would be to earn back her trust, which—if it comes to pass—will take time and a lot of effort on your part.

In your letter, at least, you seem to be taking some ownership of your actions, and that’s a good first step toward healing. It’s far from the only step you’ll need to take toward preserving your marriage, however.

Part of that process is showing her your best self, and not just for a day or two at a time. I think seeing your pastor twice a week, seeing a psychiatrist, going to Alcoholics Anonymous meetings, being in therapy, and taking medication to help with your anxiety are steps to revealing the good parts of who you are, both to yourself and to your wife. Don’t underestimate what you’re doing; you are moving in the right direction, no matter what direction your wife is going.

You write that you and your wife had “amazing sex” before she kicked you out again. Don’t overestimate what that means. Maybe that’s a sign that the fire between you two isn’t out, but it could also be a sign that you both missed the intimate connection you had, were in the right mood, and made the most of the moment. Good sex can be a part of a good marriage, but a good marriage is mostly about the less sexy moments between those moments.

You describe yourself, your mistakes, and your perceived faults, but you say little about your wife. I wonder what she is like. It takes two to make a good marriage, just as it takes two to fight and make a troubled relationship. I’m sorry that so far she has resisted going to counseling with you, and I hope that in the future she changes her mind. Marriage is a joint effort, and I hope you can convince her of that while continuing to work on yourself and work toward being more worthy of her trust. Seeing a marriage counselor together would help you both deal with the strong feelings of fear, anger, and resentment that are characterizing your relationship, particularly from her vantage point. Even if she won’t go, though, I hope you continue to do so, as therapy will help give you the tools to be a more responsible father, partner, and person.

I wish you both the best for your future.

Kind regards,
Lynn

You have put your finger on one of the biggest challenges in blended families—the role of stepparents in discipline. There is no single right answer for this question; every family and family situation is unique. You are also a newly blended family and will experience growing pains as you all, kids included, adjust to this major change.

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This may be hard to hear, but marrying your husband does not automatically make you “mom” to his kids. I hear your desire to parent, and I am sure you have so much love and guidance to offer them. If, however, you and your husband are not on the same page about your role, there is no way the kids will follow your lead. Your attempts to parent them without the support of your husband will only lead to confusion and tension and very likely resentment. You can still be a loving, responsible adult in their lives without having to be their parent.

You mention he doesn’t want the kids to have a negative view of you. Perhaps he is nervous that if you take on the role of disciplinarian, it will negatively impact their acceptance of you into the family or create conflict he isn’t ready to handle.

I often recommend to couples who are blending families that they discuss expectations and roles prior to making any major changes. It is not too late, however to have these conversations. I highly recommend that you and your husband enlist the help of a therapist who works with blended families to talk through your concerns. Your husband may have some specific reasons he wants you to stay out of the discipline realm.

You mention he doesn’t want the kids to have a negative view of you. Perhaps he is nervous that if you take on the role of disciplinarian, it will negatively impact their acceptance of you into the family or create conflict he isn’t ready to handle. One of the greatest challenges in blended families is a parent feeling like he or she has to choose between the new spouse and the kids. Your husband might be trying to avoid that dynamic by keeping your relationship with the kids strictly positive. You may or may not agree with those reasons, but talking about them is the first step, and a trained therapist can help nurture and guide that conversation.

It is important for your role in the family to be clear to everyone. You are entitled to respect as a member of the family. With four children approaching the tween and teen years, you can expect many challenges to authority—yours and your husband’s. It is critical that you act as a team with shared understanding and purpose. What that understanding is will depend very much on what works for all of you.

Best of luck!
Erika

Thank you for your letter. Let me start by saying this pattern is more common than many people realize. There are varying opinions on why feelings and reactions evolve this way, but there are a couple of things that may be playing into it. First, the revelation of an affair is indication that your marriage is on shaky ground, and your increased desire for sex may be one way of “staking your claim,” consciously or unconsciously, and regaining the ground you feel you have lost. You may—again, not necessarily consciously—desire increased intimacy with your husband because you are afraid to lose him.

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Second, there are many people who, for various reasons, associate love with extreme emotions. When those individuals get into relationships that are relatively “easy” and “normal,” they can and sometimes do lose passion for their partners. When something happens to heighten emotions, it can serve as a spark of sorts and passion can, as a result, be reignited. Based on what you described about the trajectory of your relationship, it sounds like you might be inclined—again, possibly unconsciously—to equate intensity with love. While maintaining passion is important for a relationship, it is also not reasonable to maintain high levels of intensity long-term. In the course of everyday life, over time, intensity may diminish and passion may wane. Part of the challenge every couple faces is how to have a strong, passionate union when life’s many demands creep in.

When something happens to heighten emotions, it can serve as a spark of sorts and passion can, as a result, be reignited. Based on what you described about the trajectory of your relationship, it sounds like you might be inclined—possibly unconsciously—to equate intensity with love.

During this confusing time, despite the intense feelings you’re having, you are asking yourself some valid and serious questions that deserve to be carefully examined before you make any rash decisions. While it is well within the realm of “ordinary” to have your passion reignited in a situation like yours, it is worth deeper examination to understand why you responded this way and if you want to continue this pattern. The other questions you are asking are also important to sit with; the trust in your relationship was breached, and that takes significant time and effort to repair. Are you both willing and able to do that? If you do choose to stay together and work things out, how will you deal with the dynamics at play and work to maintain passion without crisis? Another question that bears examination is if your relationship style is best suited for monogamy; it sounds like you both once enjoyed a more open or “swinging” style that inspired passionate feelings reminiscent of what you’re feeling now.

Your husband made his choices and surely had his reasons, and exploring his experience of this as well as yours in a safe, nonjudgmental, therapeutic space likely would serve him, you, your relationship, and ultimately your family. Your situation is complex, but there are many therapists who specialize in sexuality and relationship concerns. I strongly suggest you seek out a skilled therapist who can assist you in navigating your path, whatever you decide. Best wishes along the way.

Sincerely,
Lisa

Thank you for your question, and congratulations on your sobriety! Fifteen months is great; clearly, in spite of your current woes, you’re doing something right.

I think the answer to your question is in the question itself. Very often relationships that feel “broken,” dysfunctional, and so on lead to an overall bad feeling about ourselves, or low self-worth or self-esteem that, actually, may precede the relationship itself. I have found in my clinical practice that it is not just the relationship that isn’t working; it is the negative way we have come to see ourselves that defines who we seek as partners.

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If we have a negative self-concept—and I know few newly sober people who don’t—then we may seek out partners who have similar challenges with self-esteem, who then tend to act negatively toward others. Why should we act lovingly toward anyone “dumb enough” to be with us? Or, the flipside of the same coin: we feel we must treat with utmost deference anyone who would be gracious enough to come into our lives, since he or she is doing us such a tremendous favor. We therefore tend to dish out or absorb hurtful behavior that reflects a primal woundedness, unhealed and unconscious, guaranteed to keep us in relational unhappiness until squarely faced.

Your boyfriend treats you with much less than the respect and care you deserve—and you are obviously a caring soul—leaving you in a state, I would imagine, of bewilderment and pain. I would assert that abusive relationships, too, are cunning, baffling, and powerful, probably because there is an aspect of the partner that is “good” or caring and aware of the hurtful outbursts, perhaps even expressing remorse after the curses and fists have flown. We also might feel we “get” the person more than anyone else—that he or she is a sheep in wolf’s clothing, etc., and deserves a chance when everyone else is so against him or her. (Surprisingly, I see a lot of abused husbands and boyfriends in my private practice.) But then it happens yet again, similar to a person with alcoholism who rages while drunk and then makes “never again” promises or refuses to talk about it.

If we have a negative self-concept—and I know few newly sober people who don’t—then we may seek out partners who have similar challenges with self-esteem, who then tend to act negatively toward others.

It is not at all uncommon for people who have gotten clean and sober to discover a secondary “addiction” or compulsive behavior (or even relationship or some kind). What you have going for you here is a dawning awareness that there is, indeed, something wrong with this picture: an excellent place to start. Try to keep your eyes and senses open to what your actual experience is here, rather than what “ought” to happen or the “tomorrow” that might be better. I also suggest that you try one or two possible options, namely Al-Anon or CoDA (Co-Dependents Anonymous), as well as counseling, since the roots of your own relationship perceptions and beliefs probably, I venture, go very deep indeed. You might also seek out a women’s group in AA or a women’s group where you can talk about these issues (often shameful and painful to discuss with others) and find proper support and feedback from others who have walked in your shoes (or similar shoes). It can be even more difficult to “quit” an abusive (or something like it) relationship, since we so often feel a strong tie with the “caring” or more aware part of the person per the above, even if he/she can’t or won’t stop. (And don’t believe for a second, in your case, that he can’t; he can, trust me, if there is enough consequence for his not doing so—i.e., losing the relationship!)

It’s time to learn new ways to enforce boundaries, in other words, just as you have done so superbly with the drugs and booze: here again I suggest you define and then communicate to him and, if need be, enforce these boundaries against any verbal, emotional, or physical behavior that crosses the line. There’s no shame in the fact this is difficult, given longstanding beliefs and convictions about ourselves and what we do and don’t deserve, beliefs which may again be unconscious or unarticulated. If we grew up in an abusive environment, we learned that we “must” tolerate chaotic or hurtful behaviors that become commonplace.

Finally, regarding the idea that your kids “should be enough”: watch out for “shoulds”; they only make us feel worse about ourselves. A relationship with children—and congratulations on making amends in that regard, by the way—is naturally quite different than one with a partner. It’s rather like saying, “Why do I need to eat vegetables, I eat plenty of protein and grains”; holistically speaking, we seek and desire different types of love, and naturally, parental love is quite different than intimate or romantic love, which is different than having good friends, etc.

Also, try to remember that you are a role model for your children. You don’t say if you have daughters or sons, but in either event your children will look to you as a prime example of what to expect from women (if they’re male) or how/what women ought to tolerate in their lives from men (if they’re female). Also, I wonder if your ex-husband might feel more comfortable with expanding visitation times if he knew the boyfriend had stopped his acting out or (if he won’t) were out of the picture? Is it safe for your kids if he is around? I don’t know the details, but it’s something to consider. Thanks again for writing. And keep up the good work in your recovery!

Best wishes,
Darren

You are feeling frightened and ashamed to talk to your counselor about your problems with self-injury and other “bad habits.” You might worry that your counselor will feel critical or think less of you, even though you know that it is an unlikely reaction to occur to a trained therapist. You know that you must discuss your worries and problems in order for the therapy to work. This is the hardest part of therapy—and the best part, too—because here is where you learn and develop yourself more than almost anywhere else. I have some thoughts and suggestions that might help you out.

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You write that you’ve been meeting with your counselor since September. The first part of therapy usually has to do with developing a relationship of deep trust, and that takes time, as it should. Even though you understand that your counselor is experienced and qualified, you are still getting acquainted and learning to have faith in yourselves and in each other, too. So your first step is to have patience and let the treatment develop.

It’s also important to understand what a good therapist does. A good therapist has compassion for the parts of you that are destructive, the parts you’re most ashamed of, and can help you see that those parts are protective and well-intentioned—even when it doesn’t feel like it, even when the strategies behind them produce unwanted behaviors and harm.

Sometimes, before we are able to talk about what we fear, we have to learn ways to handle feeling afraid. Your counselor might be able to help you become less blown about by the winds of your powerful emotions and more able to navigate your feelings and use that feeling energy for your well-being. Right now it sounds as if you are being controlled by gale-force winds of feelings—at their mercy, really, with little ability to grab the rudder and set out for a particular direction of your choice.

The first part of therapy usually has to do with developing a relationship of deep trust, and that takes time, as it should.

You write that you “can’t find the words to start the conversation.” I think that when you are ready for the discussion the words will come—it sounds to me like you have them already. In the meantime, maybe you don’t need words anyway.

“How can I not need words?” you might ask.

Maybe at this point in your treatment, words are less important than simply being comfortable with the person who will help you learn how to live with your strong feelings. Could you ask the counselor if he or she might know some methods for calming the self, centering the self, soothing the self? Breathwork, for example, is one way to calm down, but there are other ways that you might know of already, and with a little encouragement, you can use them.

These are important issues about caring for yourself. An important part of therapy is learning how to care for yourself. Maybe you could ask for help in self-care, then later get to know who you really are, deep down. Therapy is an exploration, done with a guide who will walk the deep walk with you and protect you in your journey. Feeling safe and good self-care come first.

Eventually you will feel safe enough to speak up and communicate your fears and needs more directly. Even now I think you are beginning. Soon you might tell your counselor that you are afraid, that you have a secret and you’re afraid to say what it is. That’s the truth, and the truth is a good place to start.

Sincerely,
Lynn

Of course you are concerned! Anytime we see a behavior like that in a child and she or he is unable or unwilling to explain the change, we fear the worst. Your primary responsibility is to protect your daughter. Your mother and father-in-law may get offended and angry, but that can’t be a reason to ignore your fears.

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Since you are working from intuition, it may be worth looking into having an evaluation done with a good, reputable child therapist to explore if anything has happened with your daughter. It is true that you don’t want to plant ideas in her head, but you also want to find out if something scary or inappropriate has happened and help her process it. A good therapist can do that without planting ideas. It may be that your father-in-law has been inappropriate with her. If so, you will want to connect her with professional supports as soon as possible.

Your mother and father-in-law may get offended and angry, but that can’t be a reason to ignore your fears.

It also might be that she had a bad dream about him and is now scared of him. It may be that he was stern with her and she got upset and doesn’t want to engage with him. Without knowing more, it is hard to know how to proceed. I don’t want to diminish your concerns—until you know for certain that he is a safe person for her, absolutely continue to make sure that you supervise their interactions.

How receptive do you think your mother and father-in-law would be to a conversation that explored whether they had noticed a change in the way your daughter is reacting to him? If you approach it from a place of curiosity rather than accusation, you may be able to learn more. If nothing untoward has happened, they may be concerned and confused as well.

That said, if you want to wait to address any of this with them until you have more information, you can certainly do so. You know your family dynamics and should proceed in the safest way possible for everyone, particularly your daughter.

Best of luck,
Erika

Let me start off by saying, I hear you! I actually recently noticed that watching too much news was getting me down a bit, too. I cut back and shifted my focus to other, more uplifting things and I feel some relief. That may or may not work for you. It seems like you are haunted by this on a deeper level and feel a strong sense of duty to be well informed about the world around you.

I wonder if at least part of the answer for you could be getting more involved. You mentioned knowing that there are good people doing good things in the world, but you indicate that you aren’t really exposed to them. Is there an organization near you that you could get involved with that works on a cause that you feel strongly about? There are many different options. You could volunteer in a soup kitchen or homeless shelter, work behind the scenes in fundraising or public relations, or get involved in activism on a grassroots or legislative level. Contributing to the betterment of the world and surrounding yourself with people who are also committed to that cause might help you to find some much-needed hope and inspiration.

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I also find myself feeling curious about what else is going on in your life. Are there other things, on a more personal level, that are getting you down? Sometimes when we are unhappy with our own lives, it can be even harder to endure the tragedy and injustices of the world.

At some point, sadly, all of us need to come to terms with the fact there is much suffering and cruelty in the world and we’re largely powerless to change the balance. There is so much love and joy, yet simultaneously so much pain and misery. In the same way many of us are compelled to face our own mortality, we also have an opportunity to find some meaning in the face of all the suffering. Along the lines of Viktor Frankl‘s book, Man’s Search for Meaning, in which he wrote, “What is to give light must endure burning,” you might benefit to see that there is silver lining of sorts to all this suffering. If it were not for suffering, we would not grow and become more evolved beings; likewise, joy could not exist without its counterpart, pain.

You are clearly a sensitive being, like many of us who don’t have defense mechanisms strong enough to keep us happily oblivious and in denial. Therefore, it’s even more important for you to do your deeper work to identify and truly care for the “weight on your soul.” Doing this will help you find some meaning in it all, keep you persevering, and give you some sense of hope.

Partnering with a therapist to explore your thoughts and feelings about the world, and your place in it, could be helpful in sorting some of this out. Engaging in therapy might help you to create some positive changes in yourself and the world around you, and I suspect that would make you feel much less dejected—maybe even happy (or happier).

Kind regards,
Sarah