parents-arguing-behind-boy-032814Is the trauma children typically experience when divorce occurs in the family due to the divorce itself or other factors that surface around the divorce between the parents?

To a marriage and family therapist, this is an important question. If mental health professionals know specifically what it is about the process of divorce in the family that is traumatic for children, the trauma can be lessened to a great degree by addressing the specific factor(s) that children who experience divorce in the family are confronted with.

Many children experience the process of divorce in their families. During the 1970s and ’80s, the pop psychology was that parents should not stay together for the sake of the children. The theory was, “If the parents aren’t happy, the children will not be happy.” While that is most likely true, research has shown that there are, in fact, traumatizing effects that divorce can have on children.

However, the divorce itself does not appear to be the only factor that is traumatic for children when the divorce process takes place. Other factors, such as not seeing one of the parents as often, the parents transitioning into new relationships, changes in the socio-economic status of the family, and the constant transition from one parent’s house to the other parent’s house can also be difficult adjustments for children who experience divorce.

[fat_widget_child_counselor_right]Generally, children are very adaptable when they have enough support. When children who experience divorce do not have an appropriate amount of support and they reflect back on the situation, they often recall experiencing difficulty that they possibly did not realize they were experiencing at the time.

Some factors for parents to consider when children experience divorce in the family:

When parents have appropriate support systems in place for each other and the children while maintaining clear boundaries, the process of divorce is much less traumatizing for children. Ideally, in time, both parents can move forward with their lives and into healthy relationships with the outcome being extended family relationships that are loving and supportive of one another. Ideally, the children should have the perspective that they did not lose their family, but that their family changed and that the parents have the children’s best interests at heart.

angry young boy“I hate you!” 4-year-old Carly screams at her mother. Some moms might react by grabbing their daughter and spanking her on the bottom, or screaming, “You are a bad girl!” or telling her, “That’s a bad word, we don’t say things like that,” or starting to cry and admonishing, “You hurt Mommy’s feelings.” There are many ways children learn to think of their angry or hateful feelings as bad even though anger and hate are normal human feelings. Too frequently, families don’t differentiate between expressing these feelings through words and acting on them. When families succeed in outlawing feelings of anger and hate and don’t teach their children appropriate ways of expressing their feelings, they limit the child’s ability to be aware that he or she has these feelings and to use them successfully. These limitations seriously interfere with the ability to become a person who can navigate life and relationships with a full range of feelings and self states.

Several years ago, I received a call from Frank, who made an appointment. In our first session, he was clear that he wasn’t sure he needed therapy, but his wife thought he should see a therapist because he seemed so unhappy with everything. He told me that he thought his wife was probably right, that he wasn’t very happy. “But I don’t think I’m depressed,” he said. “You know, I just do my life. I share responsibility for my 10-year-old son, who I love. I have a job that helps to pay the bills, but I don’t care much about it one way or the other. I’ve been married for 14 years and my relationship is OK, even though my wife keeps complaining that I don’t seem happy. She can be a nag, but that’s fine—I’m used to it. I’m OK.”

[fat_widget_right]

I commiserated with Frank that it seemed his wife had sent him to therapy and that he didn’t really feel that it was something he wanted or needed. He responded, “That’s so true, but I guess I don’t really know what I want or need. My wife always seems to know what I should do more than I do. So I’ll give it a try.”

Frank and I began our work, and since Frank didn’t have any specific complaints, I thought it would be useful for him to tell me his life story.

Frank described his childhood as “the usual—no real problems.” In one session, he recalled, “My mother taught me to be thoughtful about people. She was anxious and always worried about what other people thought. It was most important that I treat her with utmost respect. I always did what she said; I was very aware of not wanting her to feel embarrassed by my behavior.” In another session, he spoke of his mother: “She could get very hurt if I disobeyed or said no in any way. I remember when I was 6 or 7, I wanted so badly to go to my friend’s house to play with these action figures he just got. She wouldn’t let me go because my father was away on business and she didn’t want to be alone. I think I said something like, ‘Please, it’s not fair. It’s only for a few hours.’ She got very upset with me and started crying, ‘How could you be so mean to me and hurt me like this? How dare you say I’m not fair?’ I felt terrible. I couldn’t stand to see her hurt.”

Frank’s father, a successful litigator, was always involved in his work. Frank understood that his job was to be there for his mother and keep her emotionally comfortable. Any attempt to protest or “do his own thing” would be met with the mother’s hurt and Frank’s remorse. He learned early how to be a “good son.” When I asked Frank if he ever felt angry with his mother, he looked startled. “Why would I be angry at her?” he said. “I was the bad one. I hurt her. Besides, I could never feel angry with her. She never said so, but it wasn’t allowed. I think it would have destroyed her.”

Frank’s demeanor in our sessions was usually slouched over, talking quietly, mostly in a matter-of-fact way. When he spoke about high school, he perked up and began to describe doing well academically and feeling good about it. But then those feelings disappeared as he explained, “In my junior year I was thinking about going away to college and started to talk to my parents about it. My mother said I would be better off going to college at home and my dad agreed. I remember him saying that he appreciated my being at home with his being away for business so much and that it would be good for me to live at home and save the family some money.” Frank looked sad and said, “You know, maybe I did get kind of depressed then. I know I didn’t have a choice. It seemed that was just the way things were, not something to have feelings about. I never applied to schools away from home. I lived at home all through college but got my own apartment when I graduated. My parents found one for me in the neighborhood where they lived.”

I asked Frank, “What do you mean when you say you had no choice?” He looked perplexed and seemed to have trouble responding. “I don’t know. It wasn’t something that I would have thought about once they said no. They said no and that was that. I suppose I never gave it a second thought.”

“What do you imagine would have happened if you did give it a second thought?” I asked.

“It’s not conceivable,” he said.

“Just try to let yourself imagine and see what you think of.”

“I don’t know …”

“It’s OK not to know. But I really would like you to try.”

“Well, let’s see. I feel like crying. … Maybe I would have cried.”

“What do you imagine you would have cried about?”

“Hmm. I would have been sad that I couldn’t go away to college.”

“Why do you think you would have been sad?”

“I don’t know. Maybe I would have liked to go away and was unhappy that I couldn’t.”

“I remember you told me about wanting to go with your friend when you were 6 or so and you told your mother that it wasn’t fair that you couldn’t. Do you think this could have been a similar feeling?”

Frank began to cry softly, “Oh yes, yes, that’s it. I couldn’t go with my friend, I couldn’t go away to college, and I couldn’t do a lot of things. It wasn’t fair.” Frank put his head in his hands, and his crying got louder.

“It’s very sad. You learned not to protest and to accept the life your parents prescribed for you,” I said.

After this session, Frank and I began to look at this pattern of accepting what was put in front of him, choosing what was pleasing for others and opting for paths that were least likely to create conflict or stir up feelings of anger.

We are currently talking about Frank’s relationship with his wife and son. He is more curious about his wife’s description that he’s “always unhappy” and is considering what he could be unhappy about. He recognizes that feelings have been accumulating about his life that he has never been free to feel or express. This worries Frank. “What if I know what I want or think or feel? What happens if I start to get angry at the people I love? Oh, my god! What if I even hate them?” These are frightening thoughts, and we are working on Frank becoming more comfortable bringing more of himself into his relationships. Frank had an “a-ha!” moment when it occurred to him that maybe his son doesn’t listen to him because he can’t say no to him. Frank told me with great surprise, “I’ve been afraid to get angry with him, so I just say yes, and I haven’t been tuned into myself. You know, I can see now—I do feel angry!”

Frank is scared but also excited about the possibilities of developing his voice and getting comfortable with his feelings. We have much more talking to do, and we will take it slowly. Frank will be anxious as he grows and develops and tests his new thoughts and feelings in the world. But each success in voicing his authentic self will make his next attempt to be the person he is becoming feel a little less frightening. With continued work, Frank can get comfortable enough with himself in the world.

Frank’s story is not unique. Many children grow up in families where they learn, consciously and/or unconsciously, that feelings of anger and hate are bad. They may be unaware that they are fighting within themselves not to feel these feelings. As they mature, they are handicapped. They can’t know themselves or be themselves or use these feelings to help make choices. For example, they won’t be clear that they are being treated badly, or that it’s OK to compete to get what they want, or, like Frank, that it’s necessary to say “no” to help a child learn to accept “no” and limits.

Children who grow up believing that anger and hate are bad usually believe that if they have these feelings they will DO something bad or act in a hateful or rageful manner. But feelings do not have to be acted upon, or can be acted upon in appropriate and nondestructive ways. If we don’t have a full range of feelings available to us, we are at risk of not knowing what we want and who we are—and of having limited lives and relationships.

Editor’s note: Names in the preceding narrative were changed to protect privacy.

lesbian couple with young boyAll children want to know about their origins. As their minds develop and their understanding of the world grows, their questions go deeper. Toddlers ask where babies come from; teenagers want to know where they came from. It is part of their identity development. For gay parents (and all adoptive and foster parents), the answers to those questions can be complicated.

Gay parents do not become parents in the usual way (unless they had their children while in a heterosexual relationship). They may use donor sperm or eggs; lesbian mothers may have each carried a child, or all the children may have been carried by one of them; gay male parents may use sperm from both, or just one of the men. And with both gay men and lesbians, they may have used either strangers or people known to them during the reproductive process. Yeah, complicated. So what DO you tell the kids when they ask questions?

[fat_widget_right]

The two most important factors in responding to any questions children have are (1) understanding their age/developmental level and (2) sticking to the truth. (I am reminded of the old joke in which 7-year-old Jimmy asks his dad where he came from. Caught off guard, Dad awkwardly tells Jimmy about the birds and the bees. After which Jimmy replies, “Oh. Davey came from Ohio.”)

Very young children require only a few words to satisfy their curiosity. When your 4-year-old asks where babies come from, they simply want, “They grow inside a woman’s body,” not a sex education lecture. Later, at around seven to 10 years of age, their expanding minds may start wondering how that baby got in the woman’s body. Even then, they are usually satisfied with, “The man’s seed started it growing there.” It is not usually till the preteen years when kids get curious about sex. So, don’t overwhelm your child with what you think they need to know or what you assume they want to know. If you’re not sure what they are looking for, get clarification. Then give them the simplest answers and if they want to know more, they’ll ask.

Children also want to know about their personal story. They like to see younger versions of themselves in the family photo album. Depending on the family, they may also see pictures of the orphanage they were adopted from, their pregnant surrogate, or their biological parents. This does not “confuse” young children—whatever they grow up with is normal to them. Even when they start school, children accept differences because the adults in their world do. In fact, children have to be taught by older kids or adults that differences are “wrong.” It is then that they may start questioning their origins or the make-up of their family.

It is best to know beforehand how you will respond to your children’s questions so when they come to you, you can be calm and assured. Your children will pick up on your feelings; if you are uncomfortable, they will sense that something is wrong or that this is a taboo subject. They may even transfer that awkwardness to themselves, thinking there is something wrong with them.

Many parents, both straight and gay, avoid the truth in talking to their children because they are not comfortable with certain subjects, or they think there are things the child is better off not knowing. While every good parent wants to protect his or her child, keeping secrets makes it seem like there is something shameful that needs to be hidden. And it is virtually impossible to keep secrets in a family forever. At some point, someone is going to let something slip. Or the adult child may need genetic information, or may find out through testing that he or she is not biologically related to one or both parents. There are few things as destructive to a parent-child relationship as betrayal.

Children can handle almost anything if they are given the information by someone they trust, in a positive way, in words they can understand. You and your partner or spouse should plan for this ahead of time. Sharing the story of how you became a family can be a special bonding experience.

toddler near legs of parentA great deal of what we bring to our roles as parents comes from the way our own parents treated us. This includes the big areas of values and morality, as well as the smaller corners of daily life, such as determining who is responsible for which chores. This is what makes a family a family: the shared values and traditions passed along from one generation to another.

But perhaps there are things our parents didn’t know that might have been helpful to them in raising us. There are things you can learn that will help make you better parents than your parents were, for all their good intentions.

They relate to understanding your child’s emotional and psychological development. If you have a clear understanding of what your child is capable of doing, understanding, and conceptualizing at a particular age, then you will be able to reach the child at his or her own level of capability with your words, your actions, and, perhaps most importantly, your expectations.

[fat_widget_right]

There are some obvious milestones in the development of a child from birth through late adolescence. These include first steps, talking, learning to socialize with other children, completing homework assignments on time, identifying and developing personal talents, meeting the expectations of coaches and teachers, and figuring out enough about personal identity to be able to face the world as a fledgling adult when the day comes to leave home.

What are the concurrent developmental phases that accompany the outward markers of growth and change in your child? These are the areas where insight can help you match your parenting with the child’s age and capabilities, so that you have less stress and the child has optimal support.

Erik Erikson, a great 20th-century psychologist, described what he called the psychosocial stages of development (see Erikson, E.H., Childhood and Society, 1950, or Identity: Youth and Crisis, 1968). His thoughts resonate today and include the following broadly outlined phases of normal development.

In the early years, the child is learning key aspects regarding trust: Who is a reliable and consistent caregiver? Am I safe here? These questions and their answers are experienced pre-verbally, which means that the way you care for your infant through the toddler years—your attention to the basic needs of hunger, thirst, touch, sleep, and physical comfort—all create the child’s sense of how safe he or she will feel in the world. If you are thoughtful and concerned for the child’s well-being at this stage, the world will become a place of caring adults. If child care is intermittent or inadequate, the child’s notion of safety will be compromised. This is a time for consistency.

In the early years of childhood come the first attempts at autonomy. This is when you see a toddler begin to leave the shelter of Mommy and/or Daddy and reach out to make connections with other people. Toddlers can do this only if they feel confident that Mommy and/or Daddy will be there when they return. If they are unsure of this, they will be reluctant to begin to explore the world. Your best efforts here include understanding the child’s needs for security and encouraging the child to move into the world beyond the family structure, knowing that you are there in the background.

Once you have a preschooler on your hands, you are looking at a child who is beginning to see that he or she can actually affect the world. You see attempts at managing the actions of pets and other children. In play, you can see stage managing that demonstrates this newly discovered power of influence. If a child is supported in this and encouraged to step out into the world, confidence will develop. If the child is told he is too bossy, and scolded rather than shown more appropriate behavior at this stage, guilt and shame can develop, along with a reluctance to participate in challenges.

You can help during this phase by understanding that your child’s need to begin to separate as an individual with power in the world is a key component in developing the independence that you eventually want for your child. Your guidance here is important because encouragement and gentle course correction will help the child learn which behaviors are acceptable to you and to others, and which are not.

Once a child starts school, the greatest developmental task is the development of a strong sense of self as a competent person. This comes from successful academic and social experience. Your encouragement in helping a child believe he or she is capable of meeting the demands of the classroom while also navigating the social environment is of great importance during these years. You help a child with homework, but you don’t do it for him/her. You listen to the grievances of playground politics, and instead of immediately taking only your child’s side, you offer for consideration various interpretations of the behaviors of other children, to help your son or daughter begin to see that there are other ways of looking at the same situation besides his/her own. It is still appropriate to support your child emotionally and to make certain that any obvious wrongs are righted, but the real learning at this age is in understanding the social landscape and taking care of oneself while honoring the points of view of others.

With the onset of puberty and adolescence, the game changes for your child on just about every front: the very earth that once felt so familiar beneath his or her feet is now shifting like sand. Not only does the world look different, but he or she has to figure out who he/she is in relationship to it. This is the task of adolescence. This is the chaos you witness in your teenager. It is a time of trying on various roles and affecting different behaviors, in an effort to identify which ones are the best and most accurate representations. This can be a maddening time for parents who just want to tell their children to knock it off.

If ever there is a time for patience in the life of a parent, this is it. This is a period of intensity on all fronts: emotionally, psychologically, and spiritually. Everything is in play. Nothing is certain. The best you can do at this time, in the interest of your child’s healthy identity development, is to continue to provide a safe and supportive emotional environment upon which your child can rely while everything else may seem to tip sideways.

The challenge, of course, is to remember that you didn’t learn anything about being yourself because your mother or father told you who you were. You learned by going through the very same process your own child is going through. If your parents were not patient with you, you might remember the feeling of searing wounds that felt as if they would last forever.

If you remain conscious of where your child is developmentally at any particular age, you can tailor your behavior and guidance to meet his or her needs and abilities to absorb your help. It is not so difficult a task if you bear in mind that a child matures slowly over the years under the warm light of your support.

Parenting is not for the faint of heart, however; challenges will most certainly arise. The easiest way to think of this is that your child is a young person who needs you to be the adult so that he or she is free to be the child. It is safety and security that give your child the opportunity to learn, make mistakes, and grow. You provide this best by understanding the developmental phase of your child at any particular age.

boy daydreaming in classWhen trying to determine if a child or teen is experiencing attention-deficit hyperactivity (ADHD), it is important to obtain an accurate diagnosis and sense of how he or she is functioning in different domains. This can help guide treatment and other interventions.

As parents begin the process of determining if a child or teen has ADHD, many wonder what is entailed in a formal evaluation by a psychologist—and what benefits it may provide. As a psychologist who provides evaluations to diagnose ADHD and treats the issue through psychotherapy, I thought I could shed some light here. The methods used vary from professional to professional, but here is a general overview of a formal evaluation for ADHD, as completed by a psychologist.

In-Depth Clinical Interview

The time frame may vary somewhat, but on average this lasts one to two hours and provides the clinician with an opportunity to gather comprehensive background information about the child or teen, current symptoms, and other difficulties. The psychologist generally spends time meeting with the child or teen and his or her parents, together and/or separately.

Consultations with Relevant Professionals

Many psychologists consult with other service providers working with the child/teen, including mental health therapists, speech/language therapists, occupational therapists, and psychiatrists. In a lot of cases, the clinician will endeavor to complete a school observation and interview teachers. (Depending on the circumstances and the comfort level of those involved, this may not always be warranted or feasible.)

Formal Testing

The exact measures used and amount of time needed to complete testing vary, to some degree, for a variety of reasons. On average, formal testing for ADHD lasts between four and nine hours. Many clinicians opt to break up testing into two or three sessions on different days.

A variety of standardized measures involving direct interaction between the psychologist and child/teen—computerized measures, self-report and parent/teacher report questionnaires, and other types—are used to look at several areas of functioning, including cognitive functioning, academic achievement in a variety of domains, reading/language skills, attention/impulsivity, visual-motor skills, and emotional functioning.

[fat_widget_left]

Completed Report/Formal Feedback Session

Reports can take several weeks to complete; it takes considerable time to carefully review/interpret results and document it all.

The feedback session is an opportunity to learn about the results of the evaluation and begin talking about specific recommendations to assist the child/teen in improving areas in which he or she is struggling.

Diagnosing ADHD in children/teens is often not as simple as one might think; many issues, such as depression, anxiety, sensory issues, learning difficulties, auditory processing disorder, and even autism spectrum issues, have symptoms that can mimic ADHD. A formal evaluation is helpful in ruling out other issues to ensure an accurate diagnosis.

Nonetheless, depending on the presenting issues, an evaluation doesn’t always lead to definitive conclusions about diagnoses. In these cases, a parent still would come away with a clear sense of how the child/teen is functioning, and would have recommendations to assist him or her.

Benefits Beyond Diagnosis

Aside from obtaining an accurate diagnosis, here are a few possible benefits of having a formal evaluation conducted:

  1. Good understanding of the child/teen’s strengths and limitations
  2. Recommendations for teachers at school
  3. Recommendations for helping the child/teen at home (suggestions to improve organization, time management, behavior, etc.)
  4. Information and specific recommendations to help current and future service providers (psychiatrists, mental health therapists, etc.) best assist the child/teen
  5. Documentation of the issue that may qualify the child/teen for special education services in the form of a 504 plan or individualized education program (IEP). This may entitle the child/teen to accommodations such as extended time, private or small group testing environment to reduce distractions, use of a word processor in class, etc. Older teens may qualify for accommodations on college board exams as well as services in college. (Not all public school systems/private schools use outside evaluations in the same way, so depending on the school system, ADHD alone may not qualify a child for services.)

If you believe that your child/teen has ADHD and he or she is struggling academically, socially, or in other areas, it is important to get a clear sense of his or her difficulties, determine if it is indeed ADHD, and obtain appropriate treatment.

Disclaimer: The preceding article is intended as general guidance based on the author’s professional opinion, does not constitute an established professional relationship, and should not replace the recommendations of a psychologist or other licensed professional with whom you initiate or maintain a professional relationship.

GoodTherapy | Managing the Milestone: Your Child’s 18th BirthdayOver the course of a decade working therapeutically with adolescents and their families, I have observed countless young people as they reach a highly anticipated milestone in their lives: turning 18. I have also observed the parents of all those young people as they attempt to adjust to the transition that occurs when their “baby” officially becomes an adult. It has been my experience that a child’s 18th birthday is an especially potent event for families, and the ways in which families respond to this event, for better or worse, can form the basis for the launching of their child into young adulthood.

Of course, we all know why the 18th birthday is a really big deal: it’s the one on which Western culture bestows young people with most of the rights they will enjoy for the rest of their lives. These rights include moving about at will without restrictions, curfews, or the like; choosing friends and partners of whom the parents may not approve; signing contracts such as military enlistments, marriage certificates, and leases; borrowing money via loans and credit cards; obtaining or declining medical and mental health care; and quitting or enrolling oneself in educational programs.

Along with those rights, a number of new responsibilities are also bestowed upon each young person on his or her 18th birthday. For example, the young adult must actually uphold any contract that is signed, including paying back loans and lines of credit. Another new responsibility is that, legally, a person—even one who is still in high school—is treated as an adult rather than a juvenile within the legal system. The 18-year-old’s behaviors and choices carry consequences that are far and above what they have ever before experienced.

With all of the cultural and personal implications that hang on the 18th birthday, it is no surprise that navigating this milestone can challenge families. This is an event that can change, literally overnight, the power balances, rules, and expectations between parents and children. Families may spend months or even years nervously anticipating this change; conversely, they may be blindsided by the realities of parenting a child in this brand-new context, and find themselves dealing with unexpected consequences.

In some families, the 18th birthday is treated as a full stop to adolescence, and the newly minted adult is expected to (or believes he/she is ready and able to) immediately begin fulfilling many adult-like roles. The adult child may be expected to, for example, begin paying rent to the parents, purchase his or her own vehicle, or find a full-time job.

In other families, the cultural and legal implications of a child’s 18th birthday are treated as irrelevant inside the family fold; the family attempts to keep everything regarding their child, from rules and curfews to roles and communication styles, exactly the same as before.

In still other families, both the anticipation and actual event of a child turning 18 can become a flashpoint for family upheaval and conflicts. The newly adult child may use turning 18 as a springboard for rebellious or ill-advised shows of independence. Likewise, the parents may threaten the adult child with being kicked out, losing financial help, or other withdrawals of support in an attempt to enforce compliance with rules and expectations.

The “real world” is at once enticing and terrifying for emerging adults.

Many young adults have described feeling as if they’ve been thrown into the deep end of a pool once it sinks in that they are truly considered adults, and may often feel quite unprepared to meet the demands of the “real world.” At the same time, they are excited to flex some of their new independence and privileges, and may at times feel driven to act out adult-like roles and scripts the moment that they have the legal ability to do so.

One primary reason for this is that at 18, the young person’s brain is continuing to develop and does not yet function as a fully mature brain does. The brain’s reward system, governing the way that novelty- and pleasure-reinforcing neurotransmitters such as dopamine are released, peaks in activity in the late teen years. The prefrontal cortex—which aids with decision making, problem solving, and impulse inhibition—is not at its full level of function until the mid-twenties. The fact is, a young adult on his or her 18th birthday is not magically wiser, more resourceful, or more emotionally mature than he or she was the day before, and won’t think and act like a fully mature adult until a few years later.

To complicate the picture, there are almost always needs and dependencies that persist between the 18-year-old and his or her parents. For example, an 18-year-old who is still in high school cannot work full time even if he or she wanted to, and even those out of high school usually continue to be financially dependent. Shared health insurance, car insurance, family cell phone plans, and other matters of money and information mean that negotiating the leading edge of your child’s independence can be tricky at best.

Although we in Western societies now experience a more extended period of adolescent development and dependence than ever before, and although we are now more aware of the realities of brain development, the fact is that 18 continues to be the age of majority in the United States. The mismatch between the legal freedoms and the young person’s capacity to exercise them responsibly can create rough waters for families to navigate. Power struggles that exist between the child and the parents around the time of the child’s 18th birthday can quickly escalate into the child threatening to leave, and/or the parents threatening to kick the child out. The child may choose to do things that are legally acceptable, but are not acceptable to the parents who support him or her.

Every family will handle this transition differently, according to its own unique set of strengths, expectations, and history. However, there are a few rules of thumb that parents can keep in mind which may assist them in managing this major milestone.

The boundary around the family must be flexible—neither too diffuse nor too rigid.

First and foremost, resist the urge to threaten to kick your child out. The subject of your young adult child leaving home will often arise sometime within the months around his or her 18th birthday. You may find your child saying things like, “I don’t like your rules. I should go live with my friend where they don’t have these rules.” Often, by talking about (or threatening to) move out, the child is testing out ideas about being an adult, without any actual intention of following through on those ideas. The 18-year-old usually does not have the experience, wisdom, or resources to leave the home in a safe or well-planned way—and he or she knows it.

If your child does threaten to leave home, as the parent it is imperative that your response be one of reassurance that the child is still a part of the family and that the family home continues to be his or her home. Remember that your 18-year-old is struggling to adjust his or her self-concept to include adult-like roles, and mentally trying some of these on for size is developmentally normative. However, when parents respond to limit-testing behaviors by threatening to kick the child out of the home, the child feels insecure about the stability of the family system and his or her role in it; the boundaries become diffuse and the child becomes unsure about whether he or she can count on remaining a part of the family on which he or she remains largely dependent.

Another problem with parents threatening to kick the child out is that systems under stress tend to escalate to the most intense point of conflict during each conflict cycle. Once parents introduce the possibility of kicking the child out, it is likely to become incorporated into every argument that follows—either by the parents or by the child in anticipation of the parents’ threat. This escalation pattern severely disrupts the stability of the family system.

So it’s important that the boundary around who is in and who is out of the family system remains well-defined so that the young adult child feels secure about his or her place in the world long enough to figure out his or her next steps into adulthood. However, it is also important that the family boundary not be so rigid that it inhibits the child’s necessary practicing of adult-like behaviors in safe and appropriate ways. Families who refuse to allow their 18-year-old to make an increasing number of choices and reach increasing levels of independence can inhibit the development of responsibility, self-sufficiency, and life skills that the young adult child will soon need. Therefore, ongoing adjustments to certain family rules, such as curfews, jobs/bills, and friend/partner choices, are essential.

Use negotiation skills to co-create a new set of roles and rules that meet the needs of all family members.

How, then, can parents approach these transitions? One way to help your child learn how to be an adult is to treat him or her like one—at first emotionally, and later more practically. Speaking respectfully to your child, accepting his or her opinions as valid, and encouraging him or her to do the same to you are ways to introduce your child to adult-like, egalitarian relating. Negotiating new rules, privileges, and responsibilities together—“family meetings” are helpful for this—allows both the parents and the child to mutually create adjustments to the rules that are thoughtful, sensible, and predictable. Many families find it helpful to write down the new rules and display them in the home so that all parties remember them (and remember that they agreed to them!).

If any family member feels that the current rules and expectations are not working, they can call a new family meeting at any time to review and possibly revise them. If parents and child reach an impasse, try to be as creative as possible to find ways to meet the needs of all family members. Young adults may be happy to agree to increasing levels of responsibility in the home in exchange for increasing levels of trust and privilege. The family members should keep in mind that flexibility, communication, and negotiation with a goal of mutual agreement will take them smoothly through this period of transition.

It can be helpful for these discussions to begin well before the 18th birthday, so that there is plenty of time for the family members to think ahead, anticipate, and become mentally ready for the changes to the power balance and expectations that will likely occur. A discussion that occurs over the course of weeks or months is more likely to involve all family members, cover more contingencies and “what-ifs,” and result in a smoother transition through the actual birthday.

However, it is never too late. If you find yourself with a child who is already 18, or even 19 or 20, and are experiencing a difficult family adjustment into your child’s young adulthood, it is still advisable to approach your child and create an open dialogue about the rules and roles in the family.

Even if parents seem OK with a decision to divorce, it does not mean that their children have to be OK with it. Divorce changes a child’s world in a pretty major way. It is OK and normal for a person in such a situation to feel sadness, anger, resentment, confusion, frustration, and anything else he or she might be feeling. It sounds like you are being asked to make some big decisions before you’ve had much of a chance to process how you are feeling about it all. It also sounds like you feel your parents have put you in a no-win situation. By making you choose, it seems you feel like you aren’t just choosing where to live, but taking sides. I’m sure that doesn’t feel very fair.

It is OK for children, amid divorce, to tell their parents what they are feeling. If any decision feels too big to make alone, it is OK to ask them for help. It is also OK to ask them if they can connect with a therapist or someone who can help a child sort through this situation.

It sounds like your parents are trying to figure things out, and maybe, by giving you the choice, they are trying to make you feel like you have some control in what seems like a situation that is so out of your control. They may be trying to help and let you have a voice in the process. That can actually be a really good thing.

A child whose parents are divorcing should feel empowered to let them know that it is making things hard and that he or she needs help, support, and guidance. Also, keep in mind that the choice you have been presented with might not have to be a permanent one. One option might be to try to finish the year where you are, thereby staying in your school through this year and then reconsidering in the summer what will work best for you.

I know this choice feels monumental—it doesn’t have to be. You also do not have to do this alone. By asking for the help you need, you will set yourself up to manage the changes that are coming without feeling as conflicted and overwhelmed as you feel right now.

Best of luck!
Erika

Great question! I see this dynamic a lot in my own practice—parents or teachers feel a child could benefit from therapy, but the child is reluctant. Therapy is going to be helpful only if your son is a willing participant. Forcing the issue will not only produce minimal results, if any, but may turn him off from seeking out counseling support in the future.

It is not a lost cause, however. There are many things you can do to increase the likelihood of your son being willing to participate in counseling. First, give him a voice. What was it about therapy that he hated? Really listen to his answers. They might seem silly or arbitrary, but if you hear what didn’t work, you are much more likely to find someone who won’t recreate that negative experience. Second, give him some control. Let him know that he gets to choose the person he is going to work with. Get together and look through online profiles (such as the ones on GoodTherapy.org) that you’ve already pre-selected as viable options, and let him read through and indicate which ones he might be willing to meet with and interview. Many therapists offer a brief consultation to give client and therapist a chance to assess for fit. Let him select a few (I recommend no more than three or four) to have a brief chat with, and let him choose which one he is willing to talk with. You can let the therapist know that your son is reluctant about therapy so that he/she can address those concerns head-on.

When I meet with reluctant potential clients, particularly children, I often find that the barriers include a lack of understanding of what counseling is really all about. When they realize that they can tell me basically anything and I’m not going to judge and they aren’t going to get in trouble, that this time and space is all about them—their feelings, their needs, their experiences—I see even skeptical faces light up. When I tell them that we can do therapy while playing with my dog, going for a walk, or even playing basketball, they can even get pretty enthusiastic.

Finally, give him an out. Ask him to commit to four to six sessions with one therapist. If at the end of that time he isn’t getting anything from it or finds it unpleasant or objectionable, then he can decide to stop. Even if he goes six times and says virtually nothing, stick to your bargain. If he trusts he has some control, he may be more willing to try the next time.

One thing to keep in mind is that the single greatest predictor of positive therapeutic outcomes is the relationship and rapport the client has with the therapist. If your son really connects with someone, he can get a lot out of therapy. If he doesn’t, he probably won’t get much from it. As long as therapy is something that is being done TO him, he’s likely to be more closed to the experience. If he gets invested in the process of choosing someone, there’s a much greater chance of counseling being a positive experience.

Best of luck!
Erika

stop-bullying-prevention-month-102413If you’ve ever seen A Christmas Story, then you probably remember the words of the yellow-eyed, redheaded Scut Farkus as he taunts and tortures 9-year-old Ralphie Parker: “Come on, cry baby, cry!” As Farkus jeers with a maniacal laugh and violence flashing in his eyes, Ralphie finally snaps and fights back, pummeling his bully into the snowy earth.

While it is understandable to feel a sense of satisfaction watching someone overtake a bully and feel vindicated in a classic film scenario, this scene in A Christmas Story, as Ralphie’s mother insists, is not the ideal for those fighting to raise awareness and effect societal change where bullying is concerned.

Bullying of both a physical and psychological nature are realities many youth face on a day-to-day basis. StopBullying.gov states that for a behavior to be considered bullying, it “must be aggressive” and include “an imbalance of power” and “repetition” or the potential to become repetitive. Bullying may manifest as physical violence and abuse against those perceived as weak or different; it may also appear in the form of words and phrases used to hurt those same individuals. It happens in schools, homes, and the community at large, and is primarily associated with youth who are 18 and younger.

National Bullying Prevention Month, which was initiated in 2006 by PACER’s National Center for Bullying Prevention, encourages supporters and advocates to stand up and say, “The end of bullying begins with me.” Whether as a perpetrator, as a bystander, or as someone who has experienced bullying, everyone can play a part in putting a stop to the damaging effects of bullying.

Unity and Respect: Valuable Bullying Prevention Lessons

A variety of campaigns and opportunities to stand united with the movement to prevent bullying are accessible online. StopBullying.gov provides the public with resources and educational materials pertaining to bullying, and at StompOutBullying.org, those who wish to show their support can purchase wristbands, as well as access information on what’s been happening when and where regarding bullying prevention awareness.

The Parent Advocacy Coalition for Educational Rights website (PACER.org) is also an excellent resource. In addition to informational links and materials, the site encourages concerned citizens to sign their “The End of Bullying Begins with Me” petition. And perhaps most useful with regard to practical, long-term application and prevention is PACER’s free, online, student-focused curriculum launched on October 1, 2013, called “The We Will Generation.”

Designed with student leaders in mind, the hope is that under the guidance and mentorship of adult advisors, these young people will carry the message of bullying prevention to other middle and high school students in an ongoing, interactive educational format. Schools can sign up online to pilot the new curriculum, which includes a series of lessons, activities, a student-created video, student advice, and other resources for how to approach bullying in the school system from a student-to-student perspective.

The lessons cover topics like “Respecting differences and everyone’s right to be who they are,” “Ways in which students can reach out to their peers,” “Sharing ideas about how students can show that everyone matters,” and “How to move a situation from a negative into a positive.” The overall messages of The We Will Generation, which focuses its foundational teachings on the acceptance and appreciation of individuality, are to respect differences, unite together, and take action.

Growing Concern over Cyberbullying

An increasing trend in the rapidly advancing technological world is cyberbullying, also known as e-bullying, online bullying, and Internet bullying. The Cyberbullying Research Center defines cyberbullying as “willful and repeated harm inflicted through the use of computers, cell phones, and other electronic devices.”

Stopbullying.gov adds that the electronic technology used in cyberbullying includes “social media sites, text messages, chat, and websites.” Rumors, embarrassing photos, and fake online profiles are just a few examples of the tactics used in cyberbullying.

As with other forms of bullying, StopBulling.gov reports that victims of cyberbullying are more likely to abuse substances, skip classes or refrain from attending school altogether, receive poor grades, have self-esteem issues, develop health problems, and experience in-person bullying.

Both the Cyberbullying Research Center and StopBulling.gov offer helpful information on how to identify, prevent, and report cyberbullying as a parent, educator, counselor, peer, or youth worker. IBM is also currently offering a free downloadable activity kit for those who wish to present, teach, or somehow train others to recognize, prevent, and intervene in cases of cyberbullying. Resources like these are important in tackling the complex issue of cyberbullying, which is the subject of much media attention and discourse these days.

A Little Empathy, Please

There are a range of explanations as to why someone may end up physically or verbally attacking and putting down his or her peers, but one thing is agreed upon by researchers: Children and teenagers who bully others exhibit “a lack of appropriate concern for the other, commonly considered a lack of affective empathic concern” (Borgwald & Theixos, 2013).

Various efforts have been launched over the years in an attempt to eradicate bullying behaviors and rehabilitate those who engage in it. Some are more effective than others. In a recent article published in Social Influence, the authors argue that the federally instituted “zero-tolerance policies,” which involve systematic punishments and expulsions to deal with bullying are “ineffective, counterproductive, and unjust” (Borgwald & Theixos, 2013). They instead suggest the implementation of “inclusion and empathy training” as an effective approach for integrating those identified as bullies in the school system and community at large.

This approach is largely inspired by the notion that there is danger in automatically assuming that a child who bullies is somehow flawed or lacking. As Borgwald and Theixos point out, “[B]ullying is a complex behavior closely linked to an abusive/chaotic home life, and . . . we are concerned that bully-labeling further hinders these children from adequately developing pro-social behaviors” (2013). Hence the significance of empathy, which theories on the subject suggest “can be nurtured through counseling, teaching, and modeling.”

Empathy is defined by Merriam-Webster as,

the action of understanding, being aware of, being sensitive to, and vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts, and experiences of another of either the past or present without having the feelings, thoughts, and experiences fully communicated in an objectively explicit manner.

In other words, someone exhibiting empathy will feel the pain of another without being overtly told what that other person is feeling. It follows that if a child or adolescent is starting off with little to no sensitivity or concern for the feelings of others, then teaching him or her to experience actual empathy is going to require massive amounts of time, effort, and energy on the part of the student doing the bullying as well as the teachers, therapists, and parents or guardians trying to help that person. Regardless, Borgwald and Theixos assert, “If a lack of empathy is central to the problem of bullying, and empathy can be taught and learned, then empathy training in schools is a better (more just, more inclusive, and likely more beneficial) response to bullying” (2013).

A little kindness can go a long way. And it would appear that developing a sense of compassion and understanding for the perpetrators of bullying is just as important as it is for those who have been bullied. Considering the human capacity for change and transformation, perhaps it is possible that if someone notorious for being a bully is given the opportunity to acknowledge, feel, and accept his or her own sensitivity and weakness, then an improved sensitivity toward others will naturally follow.

References:

  1. Borgwald, K., and Theixos, H. (2013). “Bullying the bully: Why zero-tolerance policies get a failing grade.” Social Influence, 8: 2–3, 149–160. doi: 10.1080/15534510.2012.724030.  Retrieved from http://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/15534510.2012.724030
  2. Cyberbullying Research Center. “About us.” Retrieved from http://cyberbullying.us/about-us/
  3. IBM. “Cyber-bullying. Explore the dangers and signs of cyber-bullying with parents and teachers.” Retrieved from https://www.ibm.com/ibm/responsibility/initiatives/activitykits/cyber_bullying/
  4. Merriam-Webster.com. (2013). Empathy. http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/empathy
  5. PACER. “October is National Bullying Prevention Month.” Retrieved from http://www.pacer.org/bullying/nbpm/
  6. PACER. “The We Will Generation: Students leading the bullying prevention movement.” Retrieved from http://www.pacer.org/bullying/wewillgen/curriculum/
  7. StopBullying.gov. “What is bullying.” Retrieved from http://www.stopbullying.gov/what-is-bullying/definition/index.html#types
  8. StopBullying.gov. “What is cyberbullying.” Retrieved from http://www.stopbullying.gov/cyberbullying/what-is-it/index.html

young boy hugging his dogOctober is Domestic Violence Awareness Month, or a time to begin to understand the effects of domestic violence, which have been researched extensively. Domestic violence is a social problem, affecting each member of a family—including kids, even when they are not the ones directly experiencing violence or aggression. Parents under stress can create children under stress. For children, witnessing domestic violence can lead to the development of many negative behavioral traits or mental health issues. Exposure alone can be traumatic.

Children who witness violence in the home are affected in ways similar to children who experience physical abuse. These children are also at a greater risk for both internalized and externalized negative behaviors, which can manifest socially, emotionally, psychologically, and/or behaviorally. Research shows us that boys exhibit more externalizing behavior, like fighting, bullying, lying, and cheating, while girls exhibit more internalized behaviors, such as anxiety, withdrawal, and depression.

In addition to potential problem behaviors, children also may experience psychological ramifications which lead to difficulties in school and lower scores on assessments of verbal, motor, and cognitive skills. Other limitations identified are slower cognitive development, lack of conflict resolution skills, limited problem-solving skills, and even a more rigid belief in gender stereotypes and reinforcement of male privilege.

When parents are engaged in any type of dynamic of domestic violence or aggression, their children can be at an extreme disadvantage when it comes to emotional development. They may tend to show higher levels of anxiety, lower self-esteem, and increased depression and anger. Violence puts a barrier between child and parent, making it difficult for children to develop a nurturing bond with either parent, which in turn can result in extreme anxiety or worry. The children may also display extreme separation anxiety when they go to school or when the parent(s) leaves. Studies show that separation anxiety even takes a physical toll, so children may complain of ailments like stomachache or headache as reasons they cannot go to school.

Exposure to domestic violence can create in the witness a sense of shame, guilt, and self-blame, conflicting feelings about a parent, fear of abandonment, symptoms of depression, and feelings of helplessness and powerlessness. With an increase in stress levels in the home, children can begin bedwetting again, lie to avoid confrontation, and have difficulty trusting others, especially adults. Stress is known to put any immune system in jeopardy—and children are no different. Stress and violence in the home can indirectly result in a short attention span, increased somatic complaints, and frequent illness.

Many children, as a result of exposure to domestic violence, become very secretive about their families and often do not invite friends to the home. They may begin to isolate and detach from the support that they could receive from those around them. Occasionally these behaviors are also linked to developmental delays and difficulty with emotional regulation, so that children feel shame, fear, confusion, and rage, often uncontrollable.

As these children age, it has been found that they also have higher levels of adult depression and trauma symptoms. Their reaction may be to internalize these symptoms, or they may cope with their stress by utilizing drugs or alcohol, fighting rules, ditching school, or running away. When child witnesses to domestic violence start dating, their relationships could have similar negative dynamics to ones their parents or guardians demonstrated. The risk of ending up in a controlling relationship or developing control issues is higher for these individuals.

It is important to note that not all children exposed to domestic violence will experience deficits or cope poorly. Some children demonstrate enormous resiliency and find ways to manage the tension in their homes. They might develop games or withdraw in order to manage the tension. Often they internalize the conflict and it resurfaces much later in life. In my practice, I see children who are high achievers with extreme expectations of themselves, who also have many outside interests, like sports or music. Outside interests and activities keep them out of the home most of the time, and these children tell me that this limits the amount of time that they don’t feel safe and gives them some sense of control in life.

The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCADV) has created a website to help individuals who are in relationships plagued by domestic violence or provide people with resources to help family members and friends who are in abusive relationships.

References:

  1. Brown, B.V., and Bzostek, S. (2003) Violence in the lives of children. CrossCurrents, 1, Child Trends DataBank
  2. Edelson, J.L. (2006). Emerging Responses to Children Exposed to Domestic Violence. Harrisburg, PA: VAWnet, a project of the National Resource Center on Domestic Violence/Pennslyvania Coalition Against Domestic Violence. Retrieved 0ct 3, 2013 from michbar.org/publicpolicy/pdfs/Legislators_ResponsesDV.pdf

When choosing friends in childhood, many young people seem to gravitate toward peers with a history of delinquency or delinquent behavior. Delinquent peer affiliation (DPA) occurs most often during adolescence. Theories on DPA suggest that some teens may choose to associate with delinquent peers because they share similar beliefs and behaviors. Similarly, these children may be rejected by peers who do not engage in delinquent behavior, and therefore may be forced to choose other sources of social support. Along these same lines, some researchers believe that DPA is a result of genetics, causing some people to be predisposed to delinquent behaviors and thus, delinquent peer affiliation.

However, S. Alexandra Burt of the Department of Psychology at Michigan State University wanted to see how environment affected DPA. Using a sample of 726 twin children from a state registry, Burt conducted a study looking at environment, genetic predisposition, and other factors and how each affected DPA.

Burt found that although genetics were somewhat influential of DPA, environment played a much bigger role in the selection of delinquent peer friendships. In fact, the environmental conditions that influenced delinquency in the twins was a significant risk factor for negative behavior in those with strong and robust DPAs compared to participants with few DPAs. This finding suggests that a child’s environment, their family life, and social support within their world may serve as motivators for delinquency and delinquent affiliations. Burt also believes that perhaps these children find reinforcement and positive affirmation for their delinquent behavior from their DPAs, further strengthening the bonds they develop.

Burt also noted that when children have high DPAs, these friendships can increase the environmental risks and elevate their levels of delinquency. In some cases, children who befriend other delinquent children may then experience higher levels of parental disapproval. This can lead to higher stress levels within the home, more conflict and potentially increased delinquency.

In conclusion, this study shows that although genetics may plant the seed for delinquent behavior, environmental influences provide the food and water that allow it to grow. Burt added that this study provides new evidence into the effect of environment, but more research needs to be conducted. She said, “Future research should build on the present findings by examining these associations as they develop from childhood through early adolescence.”

Reference:
Burt, S. A., and K. L. Klump. (2013). Delinquent peer affiliation as an etiological moderator of childhood delinquency. Psychological Medicine 43.6 (2013): 1269-78. ProQuest. Web.

mother-preparing-vegetables-with-childChildren with autism often have a variety of sensory issues. Sometimes they are very sensitive to certain sensations or, conversely, very insensitive to certain sensations. Understanding your child’s sensory needs can be a crucial component of treatment.

One of the most common sensory issues seems to revolve around food and eating. Specifically, many children on the autism spectrum have a particular palate that significantly limits what they will eat. This is known as food selectivity.

Food Selectivity vs. Picky Eating

Food selectivity is NOT just being a picky eater. Plenty of people are picky eaters. However, when push comes to shove (or when they are hungry enough), they will eat whatever food is available. When a child is a selective eater, he or she will eat only certain foods or strictly avoid foods and will not vary his/her diet without extraordinary intervention. It can get to the point that the child makes himself/herself sick. A child may not eat unless preferred foods are available. For parents of selective eaters, this can make mealtime a stressful and challenging time.

Examples

In my 15-plus years working and living with children with autism, I have seen food selectivity in action a number of times. One time, I was consulted about a young girl whose diet consisted entirely of McDonald’s chicken nuggets and fries. That was all she would willingly eat. To keep her child fed, her mother would buy four servings of each from McDonald’s at lunch time. She would reheat one serving at dinner and pack one for school in the morning. She did this seven days a week. Any attempt to try to get her child to eat anything else resulted in severe tantrums and aggression. To put food that wasn’t chicken nuggets or fries in her mouth practically required holding the child down and force-feeding her. The team I was on helped craft a behavior support plan geared toward decreasing tantrums around mealtimes and increasing acceptance of novel foods. It took a couple of years and a lot of hard work to change her palate and get her to eat a more balanced diet.

Another child I worked with was my foster child. He came to us at 6 years of age. We were told his diet consisted of the following: round cereal, chicken nuggets, fries, and grilled cheese sandwiches (we quickly learned he didn’t like grilled cheese). I remember putting a sugar snap pea on his plate with some chicken; he started screaming and threw the plate of food across the room. Basically, if we tried to feed him anything grown from the earth that wasn’t fried first, he would reject it. His diet was high fat, high starch—what I lovingly call the autism diet. Not only was his diet restricted, he had severe gastrointestinal issues due to high levels of lead in his blood (which can lead to constipation) combined with a family history of constipation issues. For him, a balanced diet rich in high-fiber vegetables was not merely a good idea but a necessity. I crafted a behavior-shaping protocol geared toward getting him to accept new foods and we worked on it for years. It was slow and frustrating, but we made progress. He is still with us today and now eats a fairly balanced diet. He has even learned to enjoy fresh fruits such as apples and oranges.

It’s Not the Result of Lazy Parenting

Some readers may be wondering if these issues are just a result of lazy parenting. The answer is a resounding no. Think about the aforementioned examples, and imagine each meal being a literal, physical fight to get food into your child. Imagine having to spend hours to get your child to eat a meal while he or she screams and yells and hits and bites you. Imagine doing this every day, several times a day. It might be a relief to find a couple of foods your child will eat. Having a quiet meal might be an incredible gift.

I know a lot of parents of special needs kids, and very few are lazy. They are simply dealing with problems that go far beyond what many parents have to face with neurotypical children.

Treating Eating Issues Is Autism Treatment

After my success with my son in getting him to eat better, I attended a conference about eating issues in autism. The presenter was a national expert whose practice revolved around this issue. I was pleasantly surprised to find that the methods I used with my son closely mirrored what he did. One thing he said that resonated with me was that treating eating issues was autism treatment. The act of expanding your child’s palate addresses many core autism issues such as rigidity, tolerance of change, sensory needs, and improved health and wellness.

Why They Won’t Simply Eat When They Get Hungry Enough

I can’t say why, for sure, children with autism and food selectivity don’t simply eat nonpreferred foods out of hunger. What I know from treating my son and working with many other children is that these children will make themselves ill rather than willingly eat nonpreferred foods. One child refused meals for days just because the cafeteria switched butter brands and he didn’t like the new spread. Since he primarily ate half a loaf of bread with butter as the main part of his meals, we had to get ahold of surplus packets of the old butter spread and gradually get him to adjust slowly to the new spread just to get him to eat.

My son, despite painful GI issues, would not alter his diet from foods that made him sicker. He was never able to connect his stomach pains with his diet. It took extraordinary measures (and a great deal of time) to turn things around for him. The bottom line is that while a neurotypical child will probably eat differently when there is no other choice, children on the spectrum typically will not. This leaves their parents in a quandary—do they starve and harm their child to force compliance with a healthy diet or do they simply defer to the pressures of autism and give in to their child’s desires to get him or her fed? Luckily, there is a possible solution.

Expanding the Palate Teaches Flexibility and Tolerance

One of the hallmark issues of autism is a need for structure and sameness. Children on the spectrum simply do not do well with change. By treating food selectivity and teaching a child to accept new foods, we combat this need for sameness and introduce tolerance. Learning to like new foods expands the child’s sensory world in a positive direction.

Improved Health and Well-Being Decreases Challenging Behaviors

Food selectivity often results in a poor diet. Poor diet impacts one’s overall health and well-being. When one’s health and well-being are poor, it leads to feeling lousy. When a child with autism feels lousy, he or she tends to act out. By improving the child’s diet, you improve his or her health, which leads to feeling better, which reduces challenging behaviors.

The Basic System in Five Steps

Here is the system I developed to treat my son’s food selectivity issue. I was able over the course of about a year and a half to take him from eating four foods (round cereal, red juice, chicken nuggets, and grilled cheese sandwiches) to eating a wide variety of fruits and vegetables and being willing to at least try bites of new foods. This system is based on sound principles regarding behavioral shaping.

Final Thoughts

Think about how often we eat. If every meal is a fight, imagine how draining and demoralizing that might be for a parent. By utilizing this system, meal times can become less stressful and more pleasant. The act of treating food selectivity is an important part of autism treatment. It doesn’t take any fancy therapy (although working with a skilled behavior therapist can make the process go quicker and smoother) and is well within the realm of possibility for most dedicated parents. I welcome your thoughts and experiences with food selectivity and its treatment.

Remember, parents: You’ve got this!

Important Notice

GoodTherapy is not intended to be a substitute for professional advice, diagnosis, medical treatment, or therapy. Always seek the advice of your physician or qualified mental health provider with any questions you may have regarding any mental health symptom or medical condition. Never disregard professional psychological or medical advice nor delay in seeking professional advice or treatment because of something you have read on GoodTherapy.

×

Are You a Therapist?

Grow your practice. Join our trusted directory and connect with clients who need your expertise.

Sign Up Now

Find a Therapist