Thanks for your question. Six years is a long time to be living with this kind of uncertainty! And not only is this situation more common than you might realize, but the concept of certainty, or security, is often at the heart of this existential dilemma—which is something all of us want and need, though it often proves elusive.

When we begin an affair with someone who is unavailable (via marriage or otherwise), there is certainty in the fact we definitely want him or her but can’t. This creates a very specific kind of focus around the question, “Will he or she leave or not?” If the answer is “yes,” very often it seems to be “evidence” of our worthiness: that we and not the other woman (or man) is the winner. We may start to feel resentful of our lover’s spouse, thinking he or she doesn’t deserve the one we love. There may be guilt, too, or most likely a mixture of conflicting feelings and desires.

Then one day it happens, and he or she is ours—except the imagined happy life we’d been yearning for isn’t exactly all that; it may even be more complicated, our feelings difficult to untangle. It’s common that, rather than wanting the partner to choose us, we find ourselves preoccupied with “proof” that the past will not repeat itself, that our beloved will not leave us for someone else.

[fat_widget_relationships_left]

The reasons for this are varied, and some or none or all of what I’m about to say will apply to your situation. Take what you like and ignore the rest. But just know that this kind of thing happens more often than is discussed (for obvious reasons).

There is a safety (i.e., certainty) in becoming involved with someone who is unavailable; we can love while focusing on the wanting, rather than the vulnerability that comes with actual availability. I don’t think we’re to blame entirely; this arrangement usually fits a template of our early experiences where caregivers were sporadically or consistently unavailable. It is absolutely thrilling to be chosen over an “outside” person, in a reversal of what we experienced earlier, where caregivers appeared more interested in things besides us (another child or family, for instance), which of course is a terribly painful abandonment that follows us into adulthood in the form of insecurities, needs, hopes, etc. To be chosen over another appears to be a reversal of abandonment that lands us on solid relational ground at last. We can then finally create or co-create the well-founded home we have dreamed about.

But how solid is it? After all, we might then ask, “Well, if he or she left his/her spouse before, who’s to say he/she won’t do it again?” Behind or beneath this question are a slew of factors that I think may be worth some serious reflection, either alone, with a trusted friend, or with a counselor. I would suggest doing this before going to your husband to verbalize any concerns.

It can be disconcerting that certain fears never go away. We learn to live with them, tolerate them, but they can never be banished, especially if we experienced relational traumas early on, such as abandonment, neglect, or abuse. We may have felt unabandoned when he or she chose us, but the underlying fear—because it is rooted in our own histories and psyches—hasn’t been banished, leaving us to wonder if we may, in fact, be abandoned yet again. The “proof” we were seeking is not, it turns out, as iron-clad as we hoped; there are no guarantees he or she won’t leave us for someone else. (There is never such a guarantee, actually.)

The traumatized, wounded part of ourselves needs to be heard, and this is, in part, a way of announcing itself. The critical voice within may attack us (or our partner) for the “wrongness” of what happened (“how could you be so selfish or reckless,” etc); there may be guilt about how this relationship has come to be, but most often this, too, is connected to the terror of abandonment (i.e., a repetition of actual past abandonment), and our yearnings for connectedness are suddenly subject to self-doubt, and questions arise about whether we’re worthy of happiness. (“You’re not all that; you’re a cheater, too,” and so on.) Of course, certain qualities or behaviors of our partner may stoke these fears, but if we truly, at the core, did not trust this person, we would never have pursued him or her. These fears are spurred for the most part by the historical trauma I’m discussing herein. We may zoom in like a laser on possible “signs” of such abandonment happening and interpret them as such, stoking our anxieties, but the cause of it is usually a terror of yet another experience of being left behind.

It’s something of a cliché in our pop culture to believe that (as Sting once sang), “if you love someone, set them free.” But the existential truth, I believe, is that we really do have to give our partners the dignity of their choices, and your partner has chosen to be with you now. That same respect is due us, since I believe that the majority of us are not malevolent and are, in the main, doing the best we can. Why not give the relationship a chance? It probably has a better chance if you take the risk of trusting him; otherwise, it could become a self-fulfilling prophecy where fear and anxiety suffocate any chance you might have. We can’t always help who we love; the point is to understand our choices rather than simply give them the thumbs-up or -down. I think the more important question is why we choose who we choose, rather than it being “right or wrong” (which only obscures the deeper issues).

Of course, once you have a clear sense of what those underlying motives are—once you understand what “your side of the street” looks like in terms of facing your inevitable psychological demons—then you might be able to reveal your vulnerabilities to your partner and verbalize what does and doesn’t help you in your personal quest for healing. (For example, “Do you mind telling me where you’re going for the time being? I appreciate you indulging me in this as I work on myself.” As opposed to, “Where are you going? Who are you seeing? What are you up to?”) Our partners can greatly support but cannot replace that healing process. In a way, we need these types of things to show us where the healing needs to occur. The danger is in expecting that a relationship can supplant past injuries. Vulnerability is inevitable.

Paradoxically, making peace with the worst of the past seems tied to a more secure future. Thanks again for writing.

Best wishes,
Darren

This is a gut-wrenching position you find yourself in. On the one hand, you’ve done some great work with this therapist and built a strong relationship with her; on the other hand, the work seems to have stalled because you are preoccupied with her potential departure. Should you stay or should you go?

It sounds like the therapeutic relationship is actually bringing out some of the relational issues you are working to address—fear of abandonment, distrust, and generally feeling unsafe. While it is deeply uncomfortable, and I in no way wish to minimize that, this can be a powerful way to work through these issues. The therapeutic relationship is different from any other relationship in large part because it is designed to serve the needs of one person—the person who sought therapy. You can raise the issues you are having in the relationship and deal with how they are affecting you, how they are connected to the past, how they are connected to other relationships in your life, and perhaps most importantly, how to heal from them. You do not need to be concerned with how your therapist is affected by this. If necessary, she can take care of herself through supervision and her own therapy. This relationship is 100% about you and your healing and growth.

[fat_widget_left]

It seems like you are having a very difficult time engaging in this process because of the deep-seated fear you have of her taking another extended leave. Presumably, if she were to go on another maternity leave, there would be a period of time for the two of you to work on preparing for this. Maybe you could even have a joint session with your therapist and the therapist who would cover for her during the leave, so that you three could talk about where you are in treatment, how you could best be supported during the leave, and what could be worked on. While it would not be easy, this sort of process could really contribute to your healing.

Finally, while your therapist has acknowledged that she may not be the safest therapist for you due to potential maternity leaves, it seems important to acknowledge that there are no guarantees in therapy. There is no therapist on the planet who can promise, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that he or she will be able to be there for you from the start of your work until you reach resolution. Illness, death, relocation, job change, and other issues can come up for anyone, including therapists, at any time. This is a frightening and painful truth about life, and this therapeutic relationship just might help you come to terms with that. I suspect that would be deeply liberating for you.

Best wishes,
Sarah

Thank you for your question. Boy, have you been on a roller coaster! In fact, this was my first response: Gee, does he really want to get back on? But then I reflected on it, and I began to see the question in a more positive light, thinking: Perhaps he really cares about her, loves her, and is willing to wait. Maybe he sees something worth waiting for. And what is nobler than that?

At the same time, it’s possible you are feeling some survivor guilt after all this intensity (i.e., a “horror film.”) Your girlfriend, while lovely in many ways, I’m sure, clearly has some posttraumatic stress-type abandonment terrors and, probably, some trauma or historical abuse to work through. This can take a while. It is hard to predict the course of therapy; my sense is that the more you give her space to really work on healing herself, the better. It is easy to find distraction when the hard road of recovery lies before you, especially in the early stages. Keep holding your ground, because many people in early treatment look for distractions or exits. In fact, I think the less talk of “we’ll give it another try,” the better. “Let’s see how it goes first” might be the more prudent approach.

[fat_widget_relationships_left]

Even if you do decide to give love another try, she needs time to establish some emotional balance in her life, to withstand life’s inevitable volatility—which has proven so dangerously destabilizing to her. (She must have really been treated horribly at some point in her life; how lucky she has someone who cares for her so much now!) Treatment is very hard to predict. Based simply on what you describe, it sounds like she has some knotty psychological issues to untangle. Also, there are always relapses in the best of treatments, and the inevitable ups and downs. Be prepared for a long haul with—I hope—subtle but lasting changes along the way.

But let’s talk about you for a moment. You are in an existential dilemma in the sense that no one except you really knows what it is like in your own skin, to say nothing of what lies within your heart. Because of the complexity of what you are facing, and if I may be so bold, might I suggest some therapy for yourself? Your questions are actually about your girlfriend, but what lies within you? What do you need to be happy from this or any partner—what can and can’t you live with to feel safe? I suggest a cooling-off period where you spend time with friends or doing things you enjoy, getting on with life, seeing how it feels to live without the “horror film” and threats. Sad to say, but I wonder if your girlfriend is really available for a relationship, given the inevitable challenges of intimacy. (What does her therapist say about this?) Love is often given as “the answer” to life’s woes, but love, like life, is always subject to unpredictability.

You say you need “expert advice,” a wise observation given that you have been through trauma; though your tone is admirably stalwart, I can’t help but think it disturbing to have witnessed your beloved behaving so destructively, perhaps like someone you hardly even recognized. (Trauma states are often jarringly alien to friends and loved ones, even the person him/herself.)

No one can say, when all is said and done, whether your questions are reflective of love and devotion or so-called “codependence.” But counseling, even short-term, would probably help gain some perspective as the dust clears. You’re very smart, by the way, to hesitate before leaping back in. The fact you are hesitating to seek “expert advice” might indicate a need to explore the pain of your own recent experience as much as the possible return of the relationship. And yes, I do mean your pain, which counts just as much as hers—or should, if we’re talking about a romance between equals. Without something resembling equality-based thinking, where both partners’ needs “count”—a relationship between two committed, equally available and accountable partners—intimacy cannot thrive.

Best wishes,
Darren

Photo of Robert MullerThose who have endured trauma experience unique challenges in coping with life after the fact. It may feel as though no one understands the anxiety, depression, nightmares, flashbacks, and other issues characteristic of posttraumatic stress.

Because of this, people who have experienced trauma tend to avoid intimacy and closeness in relationships. While it may be difficult for a partner, family member, or friend to offer the necessary support, there are professionals who are very familiar with what it takes to heal and recover from a traumatic incident.

Clinical psychologist Robert T. Muller, PhD, wrote a book on the subject: Trauma and the Avoidant Client: Attachment-Based Strategies for Healing, which was published in 2010. As part of our continuing education web conference series, GoodTherapy.org was fortunate enough to have Dr. Muller present on “Engaging the Traumatized Client Who Avoids Closeness and Vulnerability” in April of 2011.

Recently, Dr. Muller, who is also an associate professor at York University in Toronto, Canada, shared some of his insights with us in a written interview on roughly the same topic. Specifically, he reveals the common traits associated with those who have developed avoidance-based coping strategies in response to trauma, and he discusses how to help these individuals in therapy.

GoodTherapy.org (GT): What do you think is the biggest obstacle in overcoming trauma?

Robert T. Muller (RTM): The biggest obstacle is fear. Fear of getting hurt … yet again. Fear that people who seem trustworthy aren’t. It requires great fortitude to open up and take interpersonal risks when you were hurt by the people you trusted most.

GT: Why do people with a history of trauma often have trouble in interpersonal relationships?

RTM: A client of mine once told me, “You live what you know.” When what you know is betrayal, that’s what you live.

GT: What does attachment have to do with trauma?

RTM: Humans naturally seek closeness. Trauma takes away what is most natural, making simple interpersonal contact scary and complicated.

GT: Are trauma survivors more resistant to therapy than other people who seek counseling?

RTM: No, they’re not more resistant. And they can be rewarding to work with, even inspiring. But it’s not easy. For therapists, the trick is being open to difficult painful truths: The world is often unjust, [and] good people suffer. We can’t rescue our clients from their painful histories, but we can help them gain understanding and empathy for themselves, rather than judgment and self-reproach.

GT: What kinds of therapeutic strategies work best with trauma survivors?

RTM: Relationship, relationship, relationship. With survivors of interpersonal trauma, change happens through the here-and-now relationship between client and therapist. As a therapeutic alliance develops, as the client starts to feel a connection to the clinician, this feels scary, and the person struggles as they do in all relationships: They don’t know how to trust. They may push the therapist away (because that’s easier than worrying they’ll be abandoned); they may even criticize the clinician or become angry at times. How the therapist weathers these moments in the relationship makes all the difference. If the clinician becomes defensive or critical, it’s game over. But if the therapist sees this as an opportunity, an important moment in their relationship to help the client work through the conflict between them, that’s where change really happens. The person truly learns how the world of relationships can be nonexploitative and rewarding.

GT: How can therapists engage avoidant trauma survivors in therapy?

RTM: Even clients who avoid closeness and painful feelings are in the therapist’s office for a reason. Find that reason. What’s in it for them to change? Working with them can be hard, because they’re masters at pushing people away. The trick is seeing their distancing maneuvers for what they are: fear of closeness.

GT: What do you hope therapists will take away from your new book, Trauma and the Avoidant Client: Attachment-Based Strategies for Healing?

RTM: Up to now, avoidant trauma survivors have been ignored by the field of mental health; that’s a missed opportunity. As a way of avoiding closeness, they drink, become workaholics, get addicted, overdo food or exercise, and so on. But those strategies don’t work, at least not in the long run. Ultimately, they need to experience the emotions that go along with closeness; to feel loss, sadness, pain, and vulnerability without becoming terrified of losing control or falling apart. The best tool I know is the therapeutic relationship. My book focuses on how to help clients like these by skillfully using the therapeutic relationship as a vehicle for change. What they fear is closeness, but underlying that fear is a painful longing, a yearning to feel loved. And at the end of the day, therapy is about learning how to allow yourself that gift.

It sounds like you have tried to get help in so many ways, yet nothing has worked for you. That must be incredibly frustrating. There is no question that being left by a parent is painful. You are entitled to feel anger and hurt, though I hear you say that you don’t want to feel that way anymore, that you want to let it go. If you want to let it go, you will need to find a way to forgive your mother. When we forgive, we actually release ourselves, not the other person. Your mother is still responsible for the choices she made. Forgiveness does not mean that you are OK with her choices or that you condone them. You can’t change the facts of her choices, but you do have an opportunity to change what those choices mean to you.

There is no quick fix for these kinds of feelings, and the strategies that work will vary from person to person. Some people respond well to mindfulness work, whereas some people find cognitive behavioral approaches (REBT in particular) most impactful. I can offer you a couple of strategies to try, though in my experience, working through these strategies with the help of a professional is most effective.

The strategies I can suggest involve reframing how you tell your stories. Right now, you tell your story about how your mom left you when you were 16. My hunch is that each time you tell it, you may re-experience some of the emotions of loss, anger, confusion, or grief that you felt at the time. This can reinforce those feelings of hurt and keep them activated. The first step to making a shift is to start telling the story from the third person rather than first. Become a neutral observer watching the events. Instead of saying, “My mom left me …” you narrate the story, saying, “The mother left her daughter and the family …” By approaching your story this way, you start to get some emotional distance from the events and they aren’t quite as triggering. You may notice details that you didn’t pay attention to before. This is the first step.

When you are ready, you can try telling the story from the points of view of others—other people in your family, and eventually your mother. Consider what they were thinking and feeling, how they made the choices they made, how they saw events. By taking on the perspective of others, it can sometimes shift how we feel about a set of events. Again, I’d recommend that you do this with the support of a therapist who can help guide you through this process.

Another approach I’d like to mention is re-parenting work. Again, I strongly recommend doing this with therapeutic support. The main goal of re-parenting is to go back to the time when you felt abandoned, hurt, and let down, and to allow yourself to feel deeply while also becoming the loving parent to yourself you wish you’d had. Allowing yourself to fully experience and feel the pain of your abandonment is the key to healing here. You learn to offer yourself the unconditional love and support you wanted from your mom. You learn to nurture yourself and heal those deep, painful wounds which can ultimately allow you to release the anger you’ve been holding on to. This approach can be intense, and it is important to find a professional you trust to help guide you through the process.

Best of luck,
Erika

Wow. It sounds like you feel like you’ve really had the rug pulled out from under you. It’s certainly understandable; you’ve had daily contact for three years and it has suddenly ceased. The sense of loss you are feeling is likely compounded by how literally life-saving this communication was for you. The absence of it seems to have left you feeling very alone in dealing with a tremendous amount of anxiety. You indicated that your therapist believes that you are ready for this, so I’m wondering if the two of you have discussed the possibility of this uptick in anxiety and created a plan for handling it. If not, it might be helpful to spend some time talking about this in session. While it might very well be time to eliminate this particular source of support, it makes sense to have some strategies in place to fill this void.

The therapeutic relationship that forms between a client and a therapist is a very special and unique relationship. It is healing and powerful and not at all a fantasy. From what you have said, I feel confident that your therapist does care very much about you—daily emails for three years certainly provide supporting evidence. While you did not conjure up a fantastical relationship where none actually existed, you experienced a heightened version of this already unique relationship. The therapeutic relationship is different from any other kind of relationship, in part, because it is so one-sided. The relationship is designed for the sole purpose of helping the client. Because you were suicidal, you needed even more from your therapist than someone who was not suicidal, and you got more in the form of daily emails. Now that you have made so much progress and the suicidality has abated, your therapist has eliminated the additional support that was needed to get you to where you are today.

Finally, you mention this change in the relationship is tapping into some abandonment issues. While it certainly doesn’t feel like it now, this could be a wonderful opportunity. You see, your therapist has not abandoned you; she is still there for your weekly Monday sessions. She is still there to help you through this transition, and she is still there to help you process the issues of abandonment that this is bringing up for you. Because you have faced so much abandonment in the past, you might see it in the present where it doesn’t really exist. I wouldn’t be surprised if exploring this with your therapist and coming to terms with it is one of the final steps in healing from the abandonment in your past.

Sincerely,
Sarah

GoodTherapy | Recovering from Narcissistic Abuse, Part II: The No-Contact Rule
Back view of long hair brunette girl

In my previous article, I touched on the subject of narcissistic abuse recovery. I decided to write a second article as a follow-up for individuals who wish to explore further how to move forward through this specific healing process.

[fat_widget_right]

As mentioned previously, recovery from this form of abuse can take a fair amount of months (or even years in some cases), given the insidious and covert nature of the emotional abuse (Sokol and Carter). Individuals who exhibit malignantly narcissistic behaviors are predatory in nature and seek to “conquer” targets to fuel their narcissistic supply (NS), which is the emotional sustenance which drives and fills them. These people thrive on attention (negative or positive) and will do anything in their power to ensure that their primary and secondary sources of NS are working in concert to feed the insecure ego of a broken psyche. Although by no means exhaustive of the complexity describing the individual suffering from narcissism, the DSM-IV states that people with narcissism exhibit the following traits: inflated sense of superiority, grandiosity, attention-seeking, self-absorption, arrogance, entitlement, and limited capacity to empathize and reciprocate in relationships.

Trapping a Target

It would make sense that individuals pulling away from someone like this would experience tremendous loss and trauma (Brown). Initially the person with narcissism presents as a knight in shining armor, completely in sync with the target’s emotions and dreams. The target is unaware that the individual then hones in on the target, studying the desired love object so that he or she can then act as the target’s soulmate, in essence.

This “hunting” can occur on dating websites or in the initial stages of dating (Brown). The target, who generally has the capacity for true, mature intimacy and love, is intelligent, attractive, and successful, then falls head over heels in love with the person with narcissistic tendencies. Subsequently, that individual then feigns love for the target. And the moment the target is hooked, distancing maneuvers ensue, which serve to disorient and confuse the target.

The target then becomes incredibly confused and experiences what is called cognitive dissonance, or a state of confusion. The person with narcissism had expressed love, but is now exhibiting distancing and detaching behaviors, which are not in alignment with the initial honeymoon stage (Carter and Sokol). Eventually, the individual is fully satiated on NS and then becomes bored and tired with it, because the target is merely an object or a vessel to obtain NS.

The target is devalued and discarded when the individual exhibiting narcissism no longer feels the need to court the individual who is a source of NS (Carter and Sokol). Ultimately, the target is left wondering what happened, and how someone who seemed so perfect as a soulmate completely undid everything that the target worked so hard to build. It was the target who fell in love with that individual, not the other way around. The person with narcissism purely was “feeding” on the NS, and as soon as his/her ego was full, the target was no longer considered useful (Payson).

Motivations of Narcissism

At that point, the individual with narcissism will either vanish completely or will say and do certain cruel and emotionally abusive things designed to injure the psyche of the target. He or she actually seeks to cause harm, and straddles the line of sociopathy (Brown). Ultimately, the target has no way of understanding what happened and is left with confusion, shock, disbelief, and betrayal.

Because people who tend toward narcissism always needs newer and fresher sources of supply, they have a habit of devaluing and discarding targets (Hotchkiss). They may be incapable of true love, empathy, reciprocity, kindness, and compassion. In essence, they may have broken psyches, much like a broken appliance (Hotchkiss).

Studies show that there is very limited effectiveness in treating narcissism in psychotherapy, as it can be firmly hardwired to someone’s personality due to largely environmental circumstances that occurred in his or her early childhood (Martinez-Lewi), including parental abandonment and severe abuse. It could be that they had inconsistent sources of love as children, if any at all, and to survive childhood, they had to create an outward mask to the world of the perfect individual. Underneath, these children could be empty and lacking a core sense of self, prone to depression and anxiety without NS to fill a void. Adults who are narcissistic are often referred to as developmentally stuck at age 5, when their emotional maturity ceased (Hotchkiss).

So what is a person to do if they have been crossed by this kind of toxic personality? First, I would say that though the pain is initially intense, you are blessed that the person with narcissism left. And no contact with this person will result in any form of healthy exchange.

The No-Contact Rule

Experts on narcissistic abuse recovery all agree that contact with someone like this always results in pain (Payson). Maintaining zero contact is essential for you to be able to heal and cognitively and emotionally process the mental hurricane that hit. Some clients have likened the experience to like coming off a drug; it is so painful to go through the traumatic grief work in being abandoned that these feelings are akin to withdrawals. However, as you heal, you can be empowered, stronger, wiser, and more discerning and reclaiming of your own self-worth.

The target is capable of empathy, reciprocity, true and mature love, and growing in a relationship. People with narcissistic behaviors are generally not. They are only capable of deceptively seducing preselected targets to fill a psychological void. The same cycle may repeat every time. It is so imperative that the target understand the process of grieving the loss of the fantasy of the person who narcissistically manipulated him or her.

Those with narcissistic behaviors are usually hard-pressed to find a healthy connection in any relationship. When the masks are pulled off, they realize they cannot manipulate and seduce as they are accustomed to. Too many people have caught on and discovered who they really are.

Luckily, for those whose lives have been touched (or slightly marred), there is a path to healing. This process takes place through no contact, a compassionate and understanding psychotherapist, and a support forum (whether online or in person). Those who have been targets heal and move on to love others in healthy, mature relationships.

Resources:

  1. Saferelationshipsmagazine.com:  Sandra A. Brown, MA’s website and resources related to abuse recovery from unhealthy relationships
  2. Help! I am in Love with a Narcissist by Steven Carter and Julia Sokol
  3. Women Who Love Psychopaths: Inside the Relationships of Inevitable Harm with Psychopaths, Sociopaths and Narcissists by Sandra L. Brown
  4. Why is it Always About You? The Seven Deadly Sins of Narcissism by Sandy HotchKiss, LCSW
  5. The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists: Coping with the One-Way Relationship in Work, Love and Family by Eleanor Payson, MSW

lisa-snyder-share-your-story-0305138I woke up to my dad staring blankly at the wall the morning of October 14, 2004. It was the day before my 23rd birthday. I knew this day was coming, but nothing would prepare me to wake up and find my dad no longer alive—just a lifeless shell. He had battled Hodgkin’s lymphoma for a year and a half. At 54, his time here was over.

After my mom and I had cried over his body and walked the body bag down the hall, we decided to go out for lunch. Such an odd next step after your father was here on earth and now is suddenly just … not. We ate steak and potatoes and drank Diet Coke in his honor. It’s these things, I’m pretty sure, that led him down the cancer path, but that’s another story.

When I got home from lunch, I was all alone in the apartment we had lived in together. Strange things started happening. The lights went on and off. The song “Time Is Ticking Out” by The Cranberries was stuck on repeat on my stereo, the caps and num locks on my keyboard blinked back and forth without me touching anything at all, and my quiet cat, Bastian, was staring up at the corner, meowing at the wall. I was sure this was my dad trying to communicate that he had crossed over.

When I looked at him earlier that day and had called out, “Dad?” as if he was going to respond to me … I knew he wasn’t there, but what an odd thing? How can you be there and then … just not be there anymore? This moment made me come to be obsessed with learning about near-death experiences and worlds beyond the physical.

As I attempted to maneuver life, I felt like everyone started to disappear. The relationships my dad had built slowly started to fade. People were as scared to see or talk to me as I was of them, fearful of dealing with the harsh realities that my father was no longer with us. This took such a toll on my heart, as I wanted so badly to connect but had no idea how. How could life have brought me to this place of being 23 and not able to enjoy my dad in my life? Why do other people get this opportunity, yet it was “stolen” from me?

The Real Truth About Death
I continued to explore spirituality, reading many books about near-death experiences. P.M.H. Atwater changed my life with her book, The Real Truth About Death. In this book, Atwater tells the story of physically dying three times, each time going deeper into the afterlife. After returning from the dead, she interviewed more than 3,000 people from around the world who also had near-death experiences. After reading this book, I fully believed there was life after death. How could there not be? So many people from all over the world telling similar stories of tunnels, light, loved ones who had passed greeting them, and many times someone telling them their time is not over and it’s time to go back … doctors who can verify that their heart stopped beating for long periods and they were thought to be totally dead … there are too many similarities from all walks of life, all religions and ages, not to believe.

One evening in September 2008, I had one of the most dramatic spiritual experiences of my existence. I remember this event very clearly because I was conscious for all of it. My father came to me as what I can only describe as a spiritual entity—a ball of energy and white light. I knew it was him because I could feel him. The last time I had felt him in that way, he was alive and here on earth. He told me, “You need to spend more time with your mom because you don’ t know how much longer she’s going to be here.” I took this information very seriously and decided to take the opportunity to have a big 27th birthday party and invite my mom.

The Red Party
In October 2008, I had a red-themed party. Everyone came dressed in their brightest red. It was so good to see my mom, as we were just beginning to become friends again after a long period of post-teenage-into-early-twenties angst and her not fully accepting me dating women (I’d like to note that on my dad’s deathbed, he asked my mom to please accept me for who I am. Without the acceptance, we probably would not have a relationship in life.) This would be the last birthday she would spend with me.

A few days later, I learned that my uncle had taken my mom to the hospital. She was feeling weak and wanted to get checked out. I had planned to meet some new web clients at a cafe on this particular day. I’ll never forget waiting for my clients to arrive and, in the meantime, getting the phone call from my mom. She never expressed too much sadness in my life, but on the other end of the line, she was crying. “Lisa, I have leukemia,” she said. My heart dropped into my stomach. I realized this could be the very moment my father tried to warn me about.

We started the cancer roller-coaster ride of deciding what chemo to get and hospital visits. A few months in, the doctors had told us she was officially in remission. Come to think of it, this may have been a lie my mom had told everyone so we wouldn’t worry. In April 2009, her doctors had a sit-down with us and had the dreaded “there’s nothing else we can do for you” conversation. “All of your inner organs have a tumor wrapped around them.” ARE YOU SERIOUS? Part of me thought it was all a joke, and the other part of me was like, OK … OK universe … I know what’s going to happen. You have prepared me for this once before, and I’m going to have to do this again.

“I’m Sorry You Won’t Have Parents”
Later that day, I sat at my mother’s feet as she placed herself in the Pepto Bismol-colored recliner I had slept in many a night. She said, “I’m sorry you’re not going to have any parents anymore.” (This sentence has echoed in my brain thousands of times since this moment.) We used our time wisely, attempting to get things in order (or at least as in order as my mother would let them be). We watched our favorite movies, like “The Golden Child,” and laughed and cried in each other’s arms. I told her how much I was going to miss her … how much she meant to me, how thankful I was for her having me and everything she did for me in her life. She confided in me about things she would have never told a soul if she had the opportunity to continue on. We giggled at night about farts and stinky feet. I stopped my life to spend as much time with her as I could. I knew this time was precious and measured by the universe. I wasn’t going to let one drop of it go.

I was with her during her last weeks on earth. As the day got closer, she began to see people. My dad and her mother had come to tell her it was soon time. She had also seen people in Bermuda shirts with red balloons getting ready to welcome her. She saw an angel and I asked her to describe her to me. Long, blonde hair, white light around her, beautiful white dress … I could tell my mom was readying herself to transition, and these greetings were comforting to her. I played Enya in the background. Got her a professional, cancer-trained masseuse. Asked friends to join us and play music. The dreaded coma before death finally began to set in, and I wasn’t sure what moment she was going to go; it seemed like every breath could be her last.

Before I left to get some sleep, my mom had woken up with that last energy thrust many speak about (my dad had done the same). She was thirsty and hadn’t had water in what felt like days. I had been wearing a special shirt just for my mom because she liked it. The last thing she ever said to me—and I have no idea how she could have even formed words, because she had been on the edge of death for so long—was, “That’s a pretty shirt.” Hours before she passed, I began to get blank emails sent from no one, with nowhere to reply to and no subject line. Friends came to spend last moments with her. Her body got cold, her temperature was no longer reading on a thermometer … and after midnight on June 23, 2009, I watched my mom take one last, long breath. I had been watching the heartbeat through her neck for hours; after the long sigh that came from her lips, there was no movement at all. She seemed to settle into a peaceful smile. Her brow had calmed … her last day on earth had finally come … and I realized all at once that I was actually, totally, and utterly alone.

I sat with her for a little while, until a crew of people came barreling in to “place” her body so that when rigor mortis set in, she wasn’t in a weird position. They told my uncle and me that we had about an hour and then had to leave, so we gathered up her things and walked out to the parking lot—which may have been even more weird than when I went out to lunch and then went home after my dad died. I told my uncle I loved him, went into my tired, blue jalopy, and cried harder than I had ever cried in my life. I wailed as the idea of being alone in the world sunk in … that I knew this day would come … but I was only 27 and would now have to live out the rest of my days attempting to make sense of being so young and without parents.

The days that followed were the most difficult in my life. Freshly moved by two beloved friends (I will never forget what you did for me) the day after my mom’s funeral, one by one everyone I knew went back to their regularly scheduled lives and I was left in an empty apartment, with no parents and way too much alone time.

A Turning Point
During my mom’s illness, I had started to paint whenever I came home from visiting her or when I felt sadness. Although I had gone to art school, I had never really done much work with the canvas. It gave me peace to move  paint around with a brush … my fingers … a random object. It was something I felt was beautiful, that I could control, and that helped me express feelings that continued to bottle up. This was the creative outlet I needed.

For several years, friends had asked me to submit to a local community art show. I felt finally this was the year I was going to submit. I found this painting I had worked on during my mom’s illness and decided to submit it to the show, completely releasing whether it would get bought and just focusing on the satisfaction of the simple act of submitting to a public show I’d always wanted to participate in.

I submitted it very last minute and the piece was placed in what I thought was a semi-punishing, badly lit area of the show. We spent hours at the show and, prior to our departure, my girlfriend and I stopped by for one more look—and there it was: a red dot! The piece had been sold!

Submitting this piece was a complete turning point for me. I learned that I had created a healing method that was between me and me. I could work through feelings by placing energy on the canvas, and suddenly I felt like negative energies such as fear and anxiety were being channeled and released on these canvases. The healing process had truly begun.

In April 2011, I decided I wanted to explore blogging. As a web designer, putting one together was easy, but what kind of writer was I? There was only one way to find out! I told myself that I would write when I felt pain and try to turn it into something positive, creating what has become a recipe book for myself and future life situations. My intention was to connect those who were suffering from parental loss, like I was, and to hopefully help myself and others heal through art, writing, and focusing on the positive. Thus, LosingYourParents.org was born.

My intention is to enjoy the time I have in this life, and if I’m not enjoying it, to figure out what I need to do to get unstuck. I got a tattoo that says “follow your bliss” to always remind me of this thing that can seem so easy to forget.

Using my blog and art has helped me tremendously through the healing process. Those of us who have lost our parents are forever changed and will never forget. I do have faith that if you’re dedicated to wanting to live a brighter, lighter life, doing the work, finding the tools, and feeling the feelings will help you move forward. It has helped me. You’ve got to feel to heal.

What was once considered a rarity—step-siblings, step-parents, and step-in-laws—has become more common than not. When couples marry, there is a very good chance that one of them brings an extended family that branches by halves and steps. And if that couple winds up divorcing, the tree splinters even further. Because there is no biological bond that obligates a step-family member to stay in contact with other steps, the rules of engagement can be confusing and tense. In a recent article, marriage experts explain how to navigate the rocky road of step-relationships after divorce.

Take, for example, the case of an ex-wife who spent decades raising her step-children. Should she continue the relationship with these nonbiological children, even though she has no legal claim to them? Mary T. Kelly, a marriage therapist from Colorado, notes that often step-children can be a contributing factor to divorce. Many blended-family parents disagree over how to raise his, hers, and their children. Tension that exists between step-children and step-parents seems like normal childhood rebellion, but in many cases may actually run deeper.

Paul Hokemeyer, a New York therapist, says couples and children need to determine if they want those relationships to continue after divorce. Many children may not be permitted to make contact with their ex-step-parents while they are minors, but can make the choice whether to have a relationship with that significant person when they reach adulthood. Even step-grandparents get caught in the mix when step-families divorce. Grandparents who become attached to step-grandchildren, only to have them taken away, may not be willing to invest as much into future step-family members.

One Massachusetts psychologist, Patricia Papemow, recommends that clients try to initiate contact through letters rather than personal visits or phone calls. It is important for step-children to be allowed to have time to process the shift in the relationship on their own terms. Letting them know a step-parent is there through cards and letters is a noninvasive and subtle way to continue contact and keep the door open for future communication. Regardless of how an individual chooses to stay in contact with their step-children, Hokemeyer insists that they review their motives so that all parties will be receptive. “Make sure that you are acting out of genuine love and concern for the other person, and not out of anger and attempts to manipulate,” Hokemeyer says. Following these tips could help step-exes maintain important family ties in a world of ever-changing family dynamics.

Reference:
Gootman, Elissa. When branches tangle in a stepfamily tree. (n.d.): n. pag. The New York Times. 3 Oct. 2012. Web. 8 Oct. 2012. http://www.nytimes.com/2012/10/04/fashion/-step-family-trees-with-tangled-branches.html?pagewanted=all&_r=0

Woman looking out train window

Dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) is a comprehensive, evidence-based treatment approach used to treat individuals with a wide variety of issues, including relationship conflict, anxiety, depression, bipolar, self-injury, eating issues, and substance abuse. Developed in the 1980s by psychologist Marsha M. Linehan for the treatment of borderline personality disorder and chronic suicidality, this method has since been adapted and utilized to help clients with much less severe issues. The therapy can help clients who exhibit extreme emotional reactions, helping them develop self-acceptance while also learning coping skills to better regulate their emotions and handle distress. DBT uses both individual therapy sessions and group skills training, as well as telephone coaching between sessions.

The DBT model combines a behavioral therapy approach with eastern mindfulness practices. In one sense, the term dialectical refers to the goal of synthesizing the extreme opposites inherent in the rigid “black and white” thinking of many clients who have trouble regulating their emotions. “Dialectical” also applies to the core DBT principle of practicing acceptance strategies while implementing change strategies, in the process of reducing and modifying self-destructive behaviors.

This type of therapy is very support-oriented; it helps clients identify their strengths, build new skills, and increase their self-esteem. DBT focuses on cognitive issues by indentifying destructive thought patterns and replacing them with more neutral and accepting internal dialogues. It is designed to be a nonjudgmental collaboration, with the therapist and client working together to increase emotional awareness and understanding, minimize negative thought patterns and behaviors, and develop new coping and problem-solving skills.

The four modules of dialectical behavior therapy:

In the case of adolescent treatment, Dr. Alec Miller has adapted Dr. Linehan’s model to incorporate parents attending skills training groups with their teens. There is an additional module, “walking the middle path,” which focuses on helping parents and their children understand each other’s viewpoints and reduce conflict and invalidation.

The five functions:

Dialectical behavioral therapy was designed to fulfill five primary functions:

Stages of treatment:

The course of DBT generally flows through three stages:

Who can benefit:

Though DBT originally was developed to treat more severe issues, such as borderline personality disorder, suicidal behaviors, and self-harm, the treatment has become a widely respected method for treating clients who exhibit the following, much milder traits and issues:

Dialectical behavior therapy has proven to be a very effective tool to help people manage intense emotions, change negative thought patterns, and decrease self-destructive behaviors. Individual therapy sessions focus on current detrimental behaviors in the client’s life, while group sessions involve learning skills from the four modules: mindfulness, interpersonal effectiveness, distress tolerance, and emotion regulation.

The ideal standards model (ISM) of interpersonal evaluations suggests that a partner becomes dissatisfied with his or her relationship when the significant other fails to measure up to what he or she expects an ideal mate to be. Likewise, this level of dissatisfaction can occur when one partner perceives that he or she is not living up to his or her partner’s standards. These relationship discrepancies therefore are indirectly caused by each partner, whether that person realizes it or not. Additionally, each type of discrepancy, whether partner generated (PD-Partner) or self-generated (PD-Self) can produce a different behavioral response. Although partner behavior has been studied in the context of ISM, it has not been explored further. Therefore, to address the partner discrepancy origins and effects using the ISM, Sandra D. Lackenbauer of the Department of Psychology at Western University in Ontario, Canada, recently led a series of studies of partners in unmarried and married relationships.

Lackenbauer assessed how PD affected motivation, avoidance, feelings of self-worth and agitation. In the first three studies, Lackenbauer found that those with high levels of PD-partner felt dejected while those with high levels of PD-self had more agitation. This was especially evident on scales that measured trustworthiness and feelings of warmth and caring. In the final two studies, the participants with PD-partner led to promotion-focused emotional responses while the presence of PD-self resulted in more prevention-based strategies.

The findings from these studies extend previous research on ISM and emotional regulation within intimate relationships. Although some existing research suggests that discrepancies are directly related to dissatisfaction within relationships, the results of Lackenbauer’s research suggests otherwise. In fact, the participants who exhibited PD-partner trends engaged in nurturing and promoting behaviors which can be a positive path for increases in satisfaction. The prevention behaviors displayed by those with high levels of PD-self suggest that individuals who perceive themselves as less than ideal take actions that minimize feelings of insecurity and abandonment in their relationships. Additionally, these individuals tend to maximize their assets in an effort to more closely match what they believe their partner’s ideal to be. Lackenbauer added, “Especially for those people involved in generally satisfying and committed relationships, this prevention strategy could be aimed at reducing the partner discrepancy to ultimately maintain the relationship satisfaction.” Regardless, Lackenbauer believes that more research is needed to fully examine how these discrepancies and ensuing behaviors contribute to overall relationship satisfaction.

Recent research continues to support these findings, showing that couples’ emotional regulation strategies and how partners manage discrepancies between expectations and reality remain crucial factors in relationship satisfaction and stability. Studies from 2023 demonstrate that satisfaction with relationship status and the alignment between relationship desires and reality significantly impact mental health outcomes, with higher satisfaction associated with lower depression and romantic loneliness.

Contemporary research emphasizes that difficulties related to partner discrepancies remain among the most common complaints in people seeking relationship therapy, with communication quality playing a key role in how couples manage these discrepancies. Modern studies also highlight how partners’ mutual influences on behavior change intentions and emotional regulation continue to shape relationship dynamics, with individuals experiencing more negative emotions when their partner’s readiness for change differs from their own.

Reference: Lackenbauer, S. D., Campbell, L. (2012). Measuring up: The unique emotional and regulatory outcomes of different perceived partner-ideal discrepancies in romantic relationships. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. Advance online publication. doi: 10.1037/a0029054

© Copyright 2026 GoodTherapy.org. All rights reserved.

*The preceding article was solely written by the author named above. Any views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the preceding article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment below.*

Find a therapist

References:

  1. Baghaei, N., et al. (2024). The role of interpersonal emotion regulation in couples’ relationships. Iranian Journal of Psychiatry and Behavioral Sciences, 18(1). https://brieflands.com/journals/ijpbs/articles/148166.pdf
  2. Dębek, A., et al. (2023). Relationship (in)congruency may differently impact mental health. Clinical Psychology & Psychotherapy, 30(2), 121-135. https://doi.org/10.1002/cpp.2757
  3. Driebe, J. C., Stern, J., Penke, L., & Gerlach, T. M. (2024). Probing the predictive validity of ideal partner preferences for future partner traits and relationship outcomes across 13 years. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 41(4), 832-859. https://doi.org/10.1177/08902070231213797
  4. Galizia, R., Theodorou, A., et al. (2023). Sexual satisfaction mediates the effects of the quality of dyadic sexual communication on the degree of perceived sexual desire discrepancy. Healthcare, 11(5), 648. https://doi.org/10.3390/healthcare11050648
  5. Gouin, J.-P. (2024). Couples-based health behavior change interventions: A relationship science perspective on the unique opportunities and challenges to improve dyadic health. Comprehensive Psychoneuroendocrinology, 19, 100250. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.cpnec.2024.100250
  6. Lackenbauer, S. D., & Campbell, L. (2012). Measuring up: The unique emotional and regulatory outcomes of different perceived partner-ideal discrepancies in romantic relationships. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 103(3), 472-488. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0029054
  7. Roth, M., Landolt, S. A., Nussbeck, F. W., Weitkamp, K., & Bodenmann, G. (2024). Positive outcomes of long-term relationship satisfaction trajectories in stable romantic couples: A 10-year longitudinal study. Applied Psychology: Health and Well-Being. https://doi.org/10.1007/s41042-024-00201-1
  8. Wrobel, M., et al. (2023). What matters in a relationship—Age, sexual satisfaction, relationship length, and interpersonal closeness as predictors of relationship satisfaction in young adults. International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health, 20(5), 4103. https://doi.org/10.3390/ijerph20054103

GoodTherapy | Different Shades of Sexuality: The Psychological Aspects of BDSMIf you haven’t read the novel yet, you might be 50 shades of curious about why Fifty Shades of Grey is the most-talked-about tale in print currently.

A quick search will reveal that the romance between the main characters, Mr. Grey and Miss Steele, revolves around bondage, discipline, dominance, submission, sadism, and masochism (BDSM). In fact, Christian Grey appears to really only get satisfaction from sex when it involves inflicting pain or dominance over his partner, which, following criteria from the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM IV-TR) used by mental health professionals to make diagnoses, could be considered a mental disorder called sexual sadism.

[fat_widget_sex_right]

The DSM IV-TR states that “sexual sadism involves acts (real, not simulated) in which the individual derives sexual excitement from the psychological or physical suffering (including humiliation) of the victim.” In order to officially be diagnosed with sexual sadism, individuals must meet the following criteria:

1)    “Over a period of at least 6 months, recurrent, intense sexually arousing fantasies, sexual urges, or behaviors involving acts (real, not simulated) in which the psychological or physical suffering (including humiliation) of the victim is sexually exciting to the person.”
2)    “The person has acted on these sexual urges with a nonconsenting person, or the sexual urges or fantasies cause marked distress or interpersonal difficulty.”

In the first novel of the series, Christian Grey appears to engage in sexual sadism only with consenting participants (like Anastasia Steele, the main female character), but he openly admits to being abused (including sexual abuse) as a child and teenager and appears to be at least somewhat distressed by the fact that it’s difficult for him to have a “normal” relationship. He even explains to the character Anastasia Steele at one point that this is just the way he is, almost with sorrow. And although he does have “normal” or “vanilla” sex with Anastasia, he makes it obvious that he prefers sex that involves pain and pleasure at the same time, always with him dominating.

Anastasia also admits to herself that there is something unusual about Christian and his sexual preferences, but she lets her desire for him take over, and she hopes that she can make him want a “normal” relationship with her. She herself has issues with low self-esteem and confidence, which is perhaps why she is so drawn to the seemingly overly confident Christian. Both characters appear to function as well as the average person in their fictional world, but both have issues that could potentially need to be addressed by a professional if they lived in the real world.

So it appears that one of the main characters of Fifty Shades of Grey may have a diagnosable disorder related to sexuality, or at least has abnormal sexual preferences and a traumatic past that hasn’t been resolved yet. He has major difficulties maintaining any lasting romantic relationship, and yet the relationship between Christian and Anastasia seems to have been received in a somewhat positive light, considering the large following of readers.

The Experts Weigh In
Several mental health experts have offered their insight into the unusual relationship found in Fifty Shades of Grey (and the two other novels in the series). Reef Karim, a board-certified psychiatrist, the founder and medical director of the Control Center for Addictions, and author of Why Does He Do That? Why Does She Do That? and host of the new show Broken Minds on the Discovery channel, said that the novel is definitely making people think about normal and abnormal sexuality and possibly changing some people’s minds.

He said in an e-mail that the main question people are wondering is, “What is normal and abnormal sexual behavior, and when is aberrant sexual experimentation and behavior considered a mental health diagnosis?” “The really interesting part of psychiatric diagnoses is that many are based on a behavioral spectrum where the interruption of an individual’s social, relational, occupational, and functional life is a key factor in making the diagnosis,” Karim said. “This book has become a literary piece of pop culture that is challenging many to review their thoughts on normative and ‘out of the box’ sexual behaviors.”

He said that there could be concerns about a link between sadomasochism (S&M) and childhood abuse as well, since that is mentioned in the novel. “There is definitely a connection, but many people with no psychiatric or psychological history report enjoying BDSM primarily as a novel and alternative way to connect with each other,” Karim said.

Despite (or because of) the unusual relationship involving pain and pleasure (and emotional issues), many women appear to be captivated by the novels. Karim suggests this is because women enjoy having sexual fantasies, but that doesn’t necessarily mean they want the type of relationship found in the novel to become more than a fantasy. If anything, women might be more prone to sexually experiment during or after reading the novels.

However, he doesn’t think the novel is capable of completely changing sexual norms, so sexual sadism and sexual masochism will most likely still be considered mental disorders according to the DSM in the future. “I believe the novel opens up the conversation of BDSM, kink and sexual norms, but it’s much more in the curiosity range than actually changing research-driven professional medicine,” Karim said. “Expecting an increase in sex shop purchases is different than changing a clinical manual.”

Karim explains further why the novel is so appealing to women (and men), even with the dysfunctional (and sometimes even depressing) personalities of the characters. “In regards to sexual research, many women fantasize about submission, and many men fantasize about dominance,” he said. “Even though men and women are more equal than ever in regards to occupation and finances, we are still very different sexes, and definitive gender and role-based fantasies do exist,” he added. “Many people in our society have hidden (or not so hidden) fantasies involving kink, S&M, or altered sexual behavior. 50 Shades of Grey has opened up the conversation of previously hidden sexual desires and fantasies of many women.”

He said the novel could help couples become more creative in their sex lives, but going to any extremes is generally not beneficial. “The introduction of BDSM can add to a couple’s sexual tool box, but occasionally it can get out of control,” Karim said. “When extreme behavior leaves the bedroom or involves extremes in the bedroom, it can negatively impact the relationship. I’ve treated couples who use BDSM as a novel, fun experience in a healthy and intimate way, and I’ve treated other couples or individuals who became obsessed with the act or re-created a previous abuse history with a lot of painful markings.”

Overall, the BDSM series is encouraging men and women to discuss sexuality more openly with each other. “The book mentions childhood abuse and difficulties with self-esteem that contribute to the psychological make-up of these characters, but it has also found a way to tap into the S&M lifestyle curiosity shared by many men and women,” Karim said. “It may actually normalize the behavior, when done in moderation, as not something strange but perhaps just another form of sexual expression. Life isn’t always black and white; sometimes it’s fun to live with a little grey.”

Kari Tabag, a licensed clinical social worker, works with adolescents and college-age men and women and has read the series. She said the novel has passages that hint at mental health issues like posttraumatic stress, codependency, BDSM, and alcoholism.

Although she agrees that the novel can improve people’s sex lives through fantasy, role play, and experimentation, the sexual expectations people might have after reading the series might be set too high, leading to disappointment. Also, she emphasizes that the actual relationship depicted in the series is very unhealthy in many ways. “Christian and Anastasia’s relationship is not a healthy one. They are codependent and are too enmeshed with each other,” Tabag said. “A lot of women are codependent and are what I call ‘daddy hungry.’ This novel depicts two people who have abandonment along with trust issues.”
There are even more unhealthy aspects of the fictional relationship, according to Tabag:

Although the relationship in the novel is not healthy, BDSM is not necessarily as terrible as it’s made out to be. Tabag suggests our society is not necessarily mature when it comes to accepting and understanding sexual preferences outside of ‘man on top.’”

Viewpoint From a Submissive
Kasi Alexander, the author of several books and short stories about alternative lifestyles, such as Becoming Sage and Saving Sunni, has herself been involved in the lifestyles of polyamory, BDSM, and power exchange. She currently identifies herself as a “slave,” and the partner in her polyamorous relationship is the “master”; she could also be referred to as a submissive. She said in an email that the relationship between Christian and Anastasia is not necessarily a model of the typical BDSM or power exchange relationship. The characters themselves are also not typical. For example, Christian Grey was abused as a child and became involved in BDSM at 15, and he now avoids “vanilla” sex and relationships.

“Very few people in the lifestyle immerse themselves so deeply that they have no desire for a relationship outside the parameters of power exchange,” Alexander said. “The ones who do are using the lifestyle to mask other personality defects, not the other way around. Accepting your dominant or submissive tendencies does not kill the desire for intimacy, closeness, or connection.” Also, the character of Anastasia Steele is low in self-esteem, self-worth, and confidence, which is not usual for submissives, Alexander said.

“Many people assume that submissives give up all responsibility for themselves, are doormats that cannot stand up for themselves, and so are taken advantage of by predatory dominants,” Alexander said. “That couldn’t be further from the truth. Submissives are stereotypically extremely strong, capable people. Many of them crave submission as a way to temporarily escape the huge responsibilities they take on in their “vanilla” lives.”

Alexander adds that the BDSM lifestyle can even be considered therapeutic in different ways. “In my own relationship, we have used our power exchange to work on my self-image and body issues, increase my self-confidence, and achieve many goals, including writing and publishing three books (so far),” she said. “Other kinky people that we know use sensation play as therapy or catharsis to work through feelings of inadequacy, childhood abuse issues, and various kinds of mental health issues.”

The BDSM element of 50 Shades of Grey just takes the typical romance/erotic novel a little further. “Women have a genetic inclination toward alpha males, so we love our fictional heroes to be large, powerful, and a little scary—someone who has the ability to hurt us but doesn’t,” Alexander said. “And almost all BDSM play is based on the intensification of physical experiences. So the fantasy of the physical ‘danger’ (intensity of experience) goes along with the mental domination of having a strong alpha male taking over your life. It’s erotic, even if it’s not what we want in our actual day-to-day lives.”

She said BDSM and power exchange have the potential to make relationships more sexually fulfilling, but just like in any relationships, it’s a matter of communicating wants and desires. And just like in other bad relationships, abuse and manipulation can happen, but that is a matter of individual personalities and relationships, not a characteristic of BDSM as a whole. She said it’s important to make a distinction between mental conditions and different sexual preferences and alternative lifestyles. “The most important aspect of the mental disorder consideration is the difference between true sadism and kinky sadism,” Alexander said. “A vast majority of ‘sadists’ in the BDSM community derive no pleasure from inflicting pain unless the recipient is enjoying the experience, whereas a true sadist is not concerned with the benefit of the other person.”

She believes that people will eventually become more accepting of these types of lifestyles and realize that they can be beneficial to people who can learn how to make them work.

“More education is needed to show people that polyamory is not cheating, BDSM is not abuse, and power exchange is not manipulation,” Alexander said. “The important thing to keep in mind is the benefit for the people involved. BDSM and power exchange can be done badly and for the wrong reasons, but they can also be used for personal, professional, and spiritual growth and for the enhancement of relationships.”

Related articles:
What Do Your Sexual Fantasies Mean?
The Good and Bad Sides of Porn
Exploring Alternative Lifestyles in Your Relationship

Important Notice

GoodTherapy is not intended to be a substitute for professional advice, diagnosis, medical treatment, or therapy. Always seek the advice of your physician or qualified mental health provider with any questions you may have regarding any mental health symptom or medical condition. Never disregard professional psychological or medical advice nor delay in seeking professional advice or treatment because of something you have read on GoodTherapy.