I was very young when I knew I wanted to be a therapist. I became particularly interested in depression and how people deal with traumatic events. Never in a million years did I think I would be an addiction expert. After my graduate studies I took an internship at a substance abuse outpatient center. This was purely by chance and because they had a good reputation for offering really good supervision. During my internship it quickly became clear to me that my graduate program in mental health had left me ill prepared to work with substance abuse issues. I kept screening for mental health symptoms because that’s what I knew and we tend to go where we feel comfortable.

Substance abuse counselors on the other hand are often undertrained in mental illness and tend to ignore or dismiss signs of it, thinking once the drugs are out of someone’s life they will get back to normal functioning. And when they don’t they blame the clients “for resisting happiness” or being “chronic complainers”.  We fail to recognize that sometimes, even after drugs and alcohol are long gone, people struggle with what could have been there all along: mental illness. (more…)

So often, people talk about the struggles they experience, and how they’ve grown from the pain in their lives. It’s true, but the sentiment is often that it takes pain to grow. What’s not often discussed is how human beings grow from joy, from being in connection; that is, how we heal and grow stronger from the joyous moments in our lives.

These moments might be in the form of comfort: the savoring of a warm cup of hot chocolate on a cool night, or the texture of flannel sheets, sharing a smile with a stranger on the street. Or, it might be in the form of connection: laughing with friends, holding hands with someone you care about, or the feeling of a hug from someone you love. Think now. Feel it. Let the experience of love linger in your mind and heart. How does it feel to be loved? This is how we grow from joy, how healing happens.

Recently, I attended two separate seminars, each on the same subject led by different speakers. The first spoke of trauma and how we are all broken because any disconnection causes brain trauma. She said that our minds can mend, but even with years of “attaching,” as she termed it, we still sift through our hearts and find the broken edges, the places where connections have gone wrong. I looked around the room; people were having difficulty keeping their eyes open. Exhaustion often occurs when we feel overwhelmed. No one made eye contact. Many people looked blank. This is an understandable reaction when we’re told that we are infinitely broken.

The second seminar was led by a researcher and doctor. He talked of the joy of holding his children when they were babies, watching them grow; he spoke of his passion for mental health and educational reform, a society focused on wellness and connection. He smiled as he counted the blessings he’d experienced, he laughed with us, easily making jokes about himself and his own foibles; he told stories of how he’d learned to parent—not being perfect, but always striving to understand, to grow. He thanked all the past researchers who’d led him to create a path of clarity in the field of mental health. He thanked us, all therapists in the room, for creating the experiences he wrote about. He talked about how we all build on each other’s ideas, how we’re all more connected than not, and how everyone matters. He held the potential and the beauty of human nature in his words, and I felt that. I looked around the room. Everyone was beaming.

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When I think of the second seminar, other happy moments come to mind and I feel a flood of warm, happy feelings. Even now, as I type this, I’m smiling, my face is relaxed, no hint of tension in my jaw or shoulders. I’m breathing easily, feeling the warmth in my body of this memory. I remember it as though I’m living it now. Notice what you’re feeling as you read this. How is your breathing? Is it easy and relaxed? How is it different from how you felt when you were reading about the first seminar? Moment-to-moment awareness of positive feelings allows the positive experience to bloom, to be savored.

We all share emotions through our mirror neurons, though we might not realize it, and our minds create imprints of these interactions (Damasio). Our inner relationships (memories of relationships) are as vivid as our present interactions, and we connect one memory to others of their kind. In a sense, thoughts of a feather, flock together. So, when we hurt over something, it reminds us of other times we’ve felt pain, (and the brain actually lights up for emotional pain on MRI’s in the area where physical pain is expressed), and when we feel joy, it reminds us of other happy moments, and it strengthens us. It makes it possible for us to imagine other moments of joy, connection, comfort, and clarity.

This is why it’s so important to seek out empowering relationships, such as therapy, where we feel valued and heard. Our relationships—held in mind or in person—inform how we see ourselves, others, and the world. When you feel good in one moment, you’re more likely to seek out other connections similar to the one you’re experiencing in your mind.

Recent neuroscience research supports this. It shows that our brains actually create new neural pathways in response to our experiences. Experiences change the way our neurons fire and rewire in our minds. If these experiences are positive, new neural pathways form that increase our sense of health (viewed as integration), happiness, and connectedness to ourselves and others.

In other words, the more we have positive experiences in our lives, the more the neurons responding to these experiences, wire together. The more they wire together, the easier it is to experience more pleasure because those synaptic connections in the brain are strengthened. It’s circular. Depression works in an opposite way; we focus more on the negative because we feel bad. The keys to feeling better are self-compassion and a pairing together of sad feelings with exercises like the one below (which create new neural wiring patterns). Mindful attention to our emotions—both hard and pleasurable—enables us to move past difficult experiences, and to be open to positive ones. This could be called healing from pain by growing from joy! A true course of resiliency.

In fact, sharing difficult experiences with caring people actually changes the way we perceive those negative experiences; memories become less negative over time because they are paired with neural connections that are infused with being heard and cared about in a responsive connection. Over time, “pruning” of neural connections that are infused with negative experiences wither away. New neural connections are created that diffuse our perceptions of negative experiences. Pretty cool, huh?

This is why it’s so important to feel a sense of connection with the people around you, and why therapy that focuses on mindful awareness, with a person you feel connected to, creates transformation. It literally changes the way we relate to ourselves and those we love (Lewis).

Good therapy, like any positive relationship, creates increased clarity, self-awareness, self-esteem, a desire to create more relationships like the good ones you have, and an increased sense of zest for life. This is based on Relational-Cultural Theory’s perspective of the “Five Good Things” in what Relational-Cultural Theory calls, a growth-fostering relationship (Walker and Rosen). We all need growth-fostering relationships in order to feel emotionally and physically alive and healthy. Babies can die if they aren’t touched. One of the greatest forms of suffering is isolation. Every moment in positive connection is a healing moment. The scholars who created Relational-Cultural Theory knew that, and neuroscience supports this view. Without others, we wither. With others, we are more fully ourselves: vibrant, connected, loved, and joyful.

Suggested exercise: Think of a time when you felt fully connected to another being. It could be to a friend, an acquaintance, a partner, a parent, a teacher, an animal—someone who reminded you of your inherent worth. Feel the connection. If possible, pick someone who is still in your life in a positive way. The following exercise is meant for you to go at your own pace, and the questions are merely guides.

Bring to mind all the qualities of an interaction or experience you had with someone you love:
What was the day like?
Was it sunny, warm, or cool?
Could you feel the air touching your hair or skin?
Can you feel it now?
Where were you?
How did your body feel?
What do you notice right now as you’re sensing this moment?

Sense your connection with the other person.
Bring to mind the feeling of touch (in body or heart).
Notice how you feel, in your body, as you connect your interior experience to the feeling of being with this loved one.
Notice your breathing; is it slow and deep?
How was this other person responding? Feel the sense of that!

Now notice your body.
Has the temperature in your body changed?
Did your body soften?

How does this experience change your mood, your thoughts?
Does focusing on your breath or body-sensations enhance your awareness of the experience?

You can invoke the pleasure of this experience any time you want, simply by visualizing connection. Our minds don’t know the difference between what is visualized and what is actually being experienced (Damasio). When you imagine the joy of connection, your body physically changes. Your feelings about yourself change because the neurotransmitter, oxytocin is being released from the hypothalamus, which reduces anxiety and increases love, relaxation, and connection.

Every time you visualize connection, you strengthen your brain. Neurons in your brain are firing and rewiring, becoming stronger through one simple exercise. The more you do this, the more you strengthen the positive side of who you are. You can use this exercise any time you have a hard moment.

References:

1. Damasio, Antonio. (2000). The Feeling of What Happens: Body and Emotions in the Making of Consciousness.
2. Lewis, Thomas, MD, Fari Amani, MD, Lannon, Richard, MD. (2001). A General Theory of Love.
3. Siegel, Daniel. (2010). Mindsight: The New Science of Personal Transformation.
4. Walker, Maureen, Rosen, Wendy B. (2004). How Connections Heal: Stories from Relational-Cultural Theory

Many of the partners or loved ones (POLOs) of those struggling with addiction often seem reluctant to get help for themselves. I’m not sure why that is, but I’m hoping this article provides some answers.

These beleaguered folks are often fixated on the behavior of the loved one who struggles with drugs or alcohol (or other compulsions). Of course, it’s hard not to fixate on rampantly destructive behaviors. It often seems as though families where addiction is present are always struggling to either avoid or deal with addiction’s collateral damage (financial, emotional, professional, etc). I’m coming to the conclusion that because the behaviors surrounding addiction are so darkly magnetic, a constant pull on the family’s attention, it may be hard to understand why focusing on oneself is important. (more…)

This article contains detailed information and accounts of suicidal ideation & behavior. If you or someone you know may be considering suicide, get help now.

To continue to discuss the very different types of experience people have with depression, this is one that most people don’t experience, but is important to address, since some do. Suicide is not in this case a tool to get people to do or feel what the suicidal person wants; it’s simply the ultimate way to make unrelenting emotional pain stop.

I believe people’s experience of the emotional pain of life varies tremendously. Some of this is due to genetically influenced brain chemistry and resilience, but much of it is due to how much trauma and emotional hurt, loss, injustice, abuse, and other painful experiences people have experienced. We have beta endorphins in our brains to numb pain and create euphoria, so we can handle both physical and emotional pain. But people are born with varying amounts and life events can influence our supply as well. For people with very little of this chemical, life is much more painful. (more…)

Each of us has our own unique identity made up of a combination of personality traits, personal and family history, and other attributes. But what happens inside when an identity is not celebrated by a person’s community?

In Stigma: Notes on the Management of a Spoiled Identity (1963), author Erving Goffman uses the term “spoiled identity” to refer to an identity that causes a person to experience stigma. For Goffman, “stigma” describes the experience of moving through life with an attribute that is deeply discrediting. This attribute divides people into those-who-are-normal and those-who-are-not, thereby making those-who-are-not less worthy. Spoiled identities include racial minority, ethnic minority, sexual orientation, gender, sex, and religious identities, body size, and visible and invisible disabilities. (more…)

I decided to dedicate myself to investigating and writing about the experience of body in transgender people. Though I am by no means an “expert” in working with this population, I have learned significantly from people I have worked with who identified themselves as transgender. I set out to organize my observations and insights by grounding them in current research, to offer something of use to the reader that is legitimized by work in the field. It struck me that in looking at body-appearance satisfaction we could learn a lot from people who experience being born with, and living with, a body that they experience as opposite of what they were suppose to have.

What is the nature of the relationship to the body for transgender people? How do they value their body? How do they take care of it, take pleasure in it? How do they deal with other people’s perceptions versus what they see or what they wish they could see? Does that change if they are able to change their body to look like what they believe they were supposed to have? What I was to discover was a dearth of research and a complete lack of theory or even sufficient conversation on the topic. There was certainly almost nothing scientific or academic of any use to working with clients. So here are my truncated thoughts combined with what I learned in my search for information on a very complicated subject.

For those new to this area, know that for transgender people, the desired body isn’t a thought, or a feeling, or even a drive. History has shown that the experience is relatively unchangeable. I would describe it as an experience of persistent identity messages incongruent with the physical body. There is a “hardwired” nature to this lived experience, though science hasn’t found the neural connections yet. Despite abusive efforts to create aversion in people who feel they are in the wrong body, to force them to stop thinking of it and stop expressing it (society can’t handle ambiguity or non-conformity, apparently), transgender people don’t stop being transgender.

[fat_widget_right]For most documented cases, it has proven to be a life-long struggle between the inner sense of self and the physical, external self. It has also, for most, been a struggle between expressing the true self and repressing it in order to earn or keep acceptance and belonging in relationships and in society in general. The extent that people (often rightfully) fear societal reactions to their true identity is directly related to how much psychological distress they suffer.

Interestingly, to the transgender child, there is no incongruence or distress about the body until they are confronted with the gender that is socially assigned according to the worlds’ image of them. They are often shamed, ridiculed, and otherwise discouraged from expressing what they consider to be their true selves, from an early age. You don’t have to be a therapist to think about the impact of such conditions of worth on the development of self-esteem. Indeed, transgender people have the highest rate of suicide.

There is some published anecdotal evidence that children who are allowed to explore their gender-related interests and self-expressions without external pressure to conform are better adjusted. There is also some research that suggests that trans people who have the resources and support to transition—and who believe they will be able to “pass” as the desired, chosen gender—have better mental and physical health outcomes. Also, while trans people have been shown to be at greater risk for developing eating disorders due to body-image dissatisfaction, depressive symptoms, and low self-esteem—they have also been shown to have reduced risk of these problems after gender-confirmatory surgery.

How do we begin to support these people or even understand their struggle and offer them hope? What is our role as therapists or friends in supporting transgender people? We know that body image issues are a problem for women who feel the pressure to conform to societal ideals and this can result in negative self-perception and negative health outcomes. In clinical studies, trans people have been described as being obsessed with the aesthetics of outward appearance. It makes sense that a trans person, having to live with a body that looks nothing like what they want and one that is often in complete opposition to social ideals for the gender they feel they are, would have even worse self-perception and greater negative health outcomes. So how do we help?

I believe in the fundamental healing value of acceptance and understanding of human experience. In my role as a therapist, I must be a non-judgmental mirror for the people I work with. In asking “what” rather than “why” questions, like at the outset of this article—I can get closer to an understanding that can allow me to mirror a person’s inner view of themselves. In that way I can strengthen the sense of self and self-worth of a person. I work to emphasize the importance of the functions and joys of the body, not just its appearance.

I share the idea that self-esteem comes from dedication to loving self-care and encourage habits that lead to better relationship to the body. This can be life enhancing for a person who has had very little acceptance and hence suffers low self-worth. Indeed most trans people I have met tend to focus on the well-being of everyone other then themselves. However, to truly support trans people in healing their relationship to the body, I must also educate myself on their unique experiences and needs, whether they are in transition or not. I must also be political in joining the struggle for their rights, including educating others. I must be an advocate that supports their rights to dignity and well-being, if that involves gender-confirmatory surgery or other procedures or services. Hopefully this article is a drop in the bucket towards that monumental task.

Lois has five minutes left to her fifth session and is now having a flash of insight. “I’m bored to death with therapy,” she thinks. “This is getting me nowhere.” She feels close to her therapist and decides that he deserves more than a false excuse. “Look,” she says, “I think we can both agree that we’re nearing the end here.” Unsure about how to respond to his neutral facial reactions, Lois plunges forward. “Believe me, I’m as bored of myself as you probably are. There’s no reason to pretend that we’re making progress here when I’m just going over the same issues, again and again. You’ve been trying. I know you have. But I’ve got nothing else to discover about myself. I’m done. That’s all there is. I’m just done.”

There is nothing wrong with gaining the sense of well-being that comes with having a professional provide reflection and insight on one’s life. Lois is pleased with her therapist’s support and feels the first four sessions were a success. Brief therapy may have provided her the supportive boost she needs as she continues to apply new coping skills on her own. If, on the other hand, there are uncomfortable symptoms plaguing her (sleeplessness, worry, loss of interest in pleasurable activities, intense relational conflicts, etc), it will be worth her while to take a second look at the boredom that is blocking her way.

Lois and her therapist are at a common juncture in treatment. Research into the phases of therapy conducted by Kenneth Howard of Northwestern University outlines a progressive, three-stage sequence of change. In the first phase, the client experiences a restoration of subjectively experienced well-being. The second phase focuses on the resolution of the client’s symptoms. This phase occupies a greater number of sessions—generally, between the 5th and the 15th session of therapy. Curiously, over one-half of his clients had discontinued therapy by session four.

The Problematic Skill of Emotional Insulation

As children, most of us learn to create emotional boundaries around ourselves to keep us safe. Trapped with a negative or mean-spirited crowd, our emotional insulation kicks in and we can feel somewhat removed from harm. Dropping layers of emotional insulation while with a nurturing friend allows us to take in the nutrients of their care. By the time we become adults, this unconscious defense mechanism regulates our relationships automatically.

For those impacted by big or small experiences of neglect or harm from others, it follows that they would be prone toward a self-sufficient stance. This insulation might be felt in the emotional brain as apathy and irritability when the “threat” of an ongoing relationship is apparent. The cognitive messages associated with these feelings may be something like, “I’m fine not caring about this person. I’m waiting for them to leave so I can feel more safe.” Such feelings and thoughts get activated without permission from the conscious mind. Sometimes, as in the case with Lois, the realization of boredom can occur quite suddenly and emphatically.

Repairing Flaws in the Insulation

One does not need to be engaged in long-term psychoanalytic care to see the importance of the therapeutic bond. Even in brief, solution-focused therapy, progress results in large part from the trust established between those two people sitting in that room, taking time together to see what surfaces. Boredom is simply one of the body’s natural resistances to this process. Touching into that boredom gives one the opportunity to test and perhaps readjust one’s automatic reactions. Similar to removing an unnecessary layer on a hot day, the act of staying in a relationship even when bored can yield surprisingly pleasant results.

“So you’re feeling annoyed. I see that. Care to look at that feeling a little bit further?”
Lois laughs. Another minute or two, she thinks, and this will be over. “Oh, great. So now I’m going to pay you for the chance to look at my boredom.” She rolls her eyes and opens her pocketbook.
“Only if you want to,” he answers. She hands her check to him. The two stand as she makes her way to the door. Lois takes one last moment to collect herself before reaching for the doorknob.
“You know,” she says, “I’ve never done this before. I don’t know what comes next.”
She watches her therapist nod and smile. “I can be here if you want to find out.”

Navigating Boredom and Longing

Taking a look at the automatic effort to prevent intimacy is just as important as putting effort into stepping past the resistance. Examining the body’s reactions to closeness and distance can be an unasked for but enlightening part of therapy. As Lois drives home, she is no doubt reexamining that nod and smile from her therapist as she stood at the door. The boredom that prompted their last interaction has now been unmasked to reveal an underlying uncertainty and frustration. Beneath that lies an unanswered longing for connection.

There is no quick answer to Lois’s dilemma of whether to return for another session. There’s neither certainty that therapy is the ideal site for her to place that longing, nor an assurance that it’s better to listen to the call of her boredom and move on. She has her own mind to make up and her own body to tend to as she manages the ebb and flow of her tolerance for relationships. She is not alone in her struggle, though. Boredom and longing carry their unspoken and magnetic influences on our interpersonal behaviors, driving each of us to our own true north. Effective therapy simply offers us a safe place to unmask the process.

While managing the ebb and flow of your capacity for intimacy, remember that every moment offers an opportunity for healing. I find this piece of wisdom encapsulated within the following excerpt:

Empty yourself,
So that you may be filled.
Learn not to love
so that you may learn how to love.
Draw back,
so that you may be approached.

-St. Augustine Narration on Psalm 30:30

References:
Howard, K. I.; Lueger, R. J.; Maling, M. S.; & Martinovich, Z. (1993). A phase model of psychotherapy outcome: Causal mediation of change. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 61(4), 678-685.

Without playing with fantasy, no creative work has ever yet come to birth. The debt we owe to the play of imagination if incalculable.
-C.G. Jung

Jung wrote about the need for finding and living our myth, our story, as he grew older, he wrote his most important works and found his own unique ways to play. We need new stories that weave playfulness, gratitude, and compassion for self and others. Re-writing your myth or story can help you understand more fully your core values. Your story reflects your uniqueness and the many gifts you have to offer others. If you fully expressed your values, how would others see you? Would it change your life in some way?

A life story re-told:

Playful Kingdom
A little girl sat reading alone and wistfully looking out the window of her bedroom –dreaming, flying to places far beyond the confines of her sanctuary. She spent as much of her time as possible outside playing—skipping, riding her bike, walking and exploring, traveling by bus around the local area, dancing and choreographing shows on the spot for the neighborhood, creating puppets, puppet shows, and theatre, observing animals and recording their behavior, making lists of local plants, and gently tending and feeding them.
When it was time to come inside, the little girl would walk up the stairs to her room and settle in for a long read or daydream or she would travel by foot to a community building in her neighborhood where she could read and even borrow books whenever she liked.

She flew out her window whenever her Spirit wanted to soar beyond the earthly bound. Her visits to various realms allowed her to remain playful in her own kingdom where life was not always easy; a large part of her kingdom was at war with itself. The little girl’s imagination, dreams, and playfulness provided her with the needed support and fearlessness to move forward.

She listened to her dreams, acted, and found she wanted more of life. Her dreams brought her news that led her down many paths both harrowing and heart-y. Because she never left her playfulness behind, the little girl’s dreams provided a landscape to travel in and return to as she wandered earth. Many fellow travelers dismissed dreams and their own unique natures in favor of others’ visions for them.

The little girl grew in power and authority. She began to blend her own unique vision with what she had learned from her teachers about dreams and their importance in creating a playful life filled with meaning.

She married and became Queen to her King. Her children and grandchildren thrived and played. Each morning dreams were told and listened to, reflected on, acted upon for the benefit of all.

Dreams foretold of changes big and small for the Kingdom. Masterful communication secured peace. Instead of fighting or retreating as in past conflicts the Queen, her King, and past foes stood shoulder-to-shoulder and met for the first time. Foe became friend. A playful path of risk-taking and foolishness replaced a deep ravine.

Now that you have read one woman’s personal mythology, I invite you to write your story in any way that feels right to you.

Some ways to get started:

• Re-write a favorite children’s book story or nursery rhyme and write yourself in as the lead character.
• If you keep a dream journal, open one of your journals and see what dream finds you again. Re-write the plot, scenes, characters, location, and conflict in the dreamscape and see what happens.
• Change the lyrics to a favorite song and add lyrics that tell the story of your life’s journey. See what happens as you play with the words, rhymes, and melody.

Questions for you to consider as your write your story/myth:

• What is your story or myth?
• What have been your struggles?
• Have you celebrated your transformations?
• Are you shedding your skin or thickening your woolen coat?
• Who are your supporters?
• What do you fear?
• What do you easily move toward?

The term “spiritual bankruptcy” is a word used in the rooms of 12-step programs to characterize addicts who have lost their connection to “higher power.” One dictionary definition describes spiritual bankruptcy as “a state of complete lack of some abstract property.” Recently, I’ve been pondering what I believe “spiritual bankruptcy” means and how it appears in the people I know personally and treat in my practice.

If I were to think of the personal qualities of someone who seems to be spiritually bankrupt, what comes to mind is despair. The spiritually bankrupt person cannot envision a future different from the present. The spiritually bankrupt person has lost his/her moral compass and makes poor choices. The spiritually bankrupt person is self-absorbed and often oblivious of the effects of his/her actions on others.

As I write this, these qualities are sounding an awful lot like how I would describe someone who is deeply depressed. And I also wonder, what’s chicken and what’s egg. Does someone become depressed because he/she is spiritually bankrupt or is it the other way around?

People become depressed for many reasons including genetics, life circumstances and temperament (sensitivity). Can we say that a person who has faith and is deeply spiritual will never become depressed? That faith and being spiritually grounded will always be the antidote to depression?

I’m not so sure. But what I do know is that those who have faith, who are connected to the God of their understanding, who have a relationship with a higher power do recover from bouts of depression faster and more completely.

The reasons for this I believe are that a spiritually connected person knows somewhere in the depths of his/her being that the depression is temporary, an aberration as opposed to a constant and permanent state of being. The spiritually connected person can look at the depression as holding value for him/her, perhaps in the form of some opportunity for deeper understanding of self and life.

In other words, the spiritually grounded person may not succumb to the same level of despair or lack of hope that someone without a spiritual connection might.

In my particular faith (Yoruba), we believe each individual has a destiny and it is his/her obligation to fulfill that destiny. Everything is part of it, including sadness, pain and even depression. Depression is not viewed as punishment for wrong doing or as some moral failure. Knowing that can be a strong hedge against losing that connection to higher power. It is a hedge against the sort of spiritual bankruptcy I started out describing in paragraph one.

We must each find our own spiritual path. Our beliefs can take many forms. We can be a part of many different spiritual and religious communities. But one thing all religions and spiritual paths have in common is the presence of the divine. A spiritual connection can help people feel a greater sense of fulfillment in life. The emphasis is on the “fill” in the word fulfillment. It is one of the best remedies for that deep-seated emptiness that many people feel. We as humans, by connecting to our spiritual selves, have the opportunity to compensate for what we never received in our families of origin and perhaps from society.

One way to understand the healing journey is to think of growing from a place of victimization to survival, and ultimately, to thriving. While a person has had no choice about being victimized, he or she does have a choice about growing through these stages.

Regardless of what the traumatic event was, where or when it occurred, there was a period of time when victimization occurred. This victimization is not something one should feel guilt or shame about, rather it is a factual reality to understand, accept, and grow through. When an individual cannot or does not grow through the period of victimization, one can think of this person as being stuck within the victim stage.

An individual in the victim stage feels as though he or she is still in the trauma—no matter how long ago the actual traumatic incident(s) occurred. The sense of being in that moment of time permeates the person’s feelings, thoughts, and behaviors and even his or her sense of self. It is common for an individual in this stage to avoid many emotions while experiencing in abundance feelings of helplessness, vulnerability, fragility, self-pity, numbness, defeat, shame, self-hatred, and discouragement. The person might feel out of control or angry, want to hide and hope to be rescued. The individual often believes he or she lacks choices and has few possibilities and a shortened future. This combination of thoughts leads to little planning for the future and a preoccupation with the past.

In addition, the individual may feel plagued by memories of the event, particularly if he or she is struggling with flashbacks. Common behaviors that arise out of these thoughts and feelings are self-destructive ones such as addictions or a pervasive passivity. While most individuals, even those who have been stuck within this stage for quite some time, do not desire to be within the victimization stage, some individuals do experience secondary gains (such as love, support, attention, assistance) from being within this victim stage.

[fat_widget_trauma_ptsd_left]These benefits can also become intertwined with the individual’s way of life and identity, making it all the more difficult to grow through this phase. Just as some individuals struggle with leaving this stage, some individuals struggle with being in this stage and try to avoid acknowledging the truth of the victimization. Neither approach is healthy, because true recovery can only occur when ones has dwelt within and then healed out of this stage.

Once a person has grown through the victim stage, he or she enters into the survivor stage, which is the time when one begins to feel strong and confident and to truly believe that there are resources and choices. A key realization of this stage is that an individual has gotten through the trauma intact, or mostly intact, and is indeed outside of it. This understanding allows the person to begin integrating the trauma into his or her life story, to take control of life, and to recognize potential for change and growth.

For many, a sense of satisfaction accompanies this realization as does a shift into an emotional state that has less suffering, less pain, less guilt, and definitely less depression. Many of the difficult emotions decrease, and though this is not necessarily a happy phase of life, moments of happiness will start to occur more often. As one progresses through this stage, living one day at a time increasingly becomes a primary focus. Coping from day to day and acting upon a commitment to healing, trusting, and restoring relationships becomes the essence of healing.

The thriver stage crystallizes the growth of the survivor stage and takes one’s healing to the point where he or she has general satisfaction with life as well as a sense that ordinary life is both interesting and enjoyable. Commitment to moving forward, to taking care of one’s physical health, to investing in one’s career, relationships, and love and life allow these gains to occur. On an emotional level, feelings of strength, empowerment, compassion, resilience, and self-determination eclipse the emotions experienced within the victim stage. In addition a renewed sense of joy, peace, and happiness arises because one has grown, despite the traumatic experience, and is living well.

It is within this thriver stage that a person’s thinking becomes less pessimistic; he or she begins to think and believe that that there are long-term options, that there is a point to planning for the future, and he or she begins to recognize and embrace new possibilities. This living well is also exemplified in an ability to connect with others who are suffering, to accept imperfections in loved ones, and to reach out to others. Life is once again rich in meaningful relationships which help the person find a sense of meaning and purpose. If any symptoms of posttraumatic stress or other issues remain, the individual has learned how to effectively cope with these symptoms. Ultimately, he or she perceives him- or herself as more than a victim. One recognizes him- or herself as a valuable individual who, though tempered by tragedy, has risen and moved beyond the trauma.

“For years it lay in an iron box buried so deep inside me that I was never sure just what it was. I knew it carried slippery, combustible things more secret than sex and more dangerous than any shadow or ghost. … I saw things I knew no little girl should see. Blood and shattered glass. Piles of skeletons and blackened barbed wire with bits of flesh stuck to it…The iron box contained a special room for my mother and father, warm and moist as a greenhouse. They lived there inside me, rare and separate from other beings. … I knew my parents had crossed over a chasm … The box became a vault, collecting in darkness, always collecting; pictures, words, my parent’s glances, becoming loaded with weight. It sank deeper as I grew older, so packed with undigested things that finally it became impossible to ignore.”
-Helen Epstein, Children of the Holocaust

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When sex addiction surfaces in a relationship, the focus tends to revolve around addressing the symptoms and causes of the addiction and the steps toward healing for the person with the addiction. In the process, the well-being of that person’s partner or spouse may be overlooked. The partner is likely to feel betrayal upon discovering the addictive behaviors of his or her partner. Although there may be times when a spouse suspects or feels something is amiss, many times, spouses are caught totally off-guard, they may feel alone, and it can be hard to consider how to take the next step. It is important for partners and spouses of those with sex addiction to take care of themselves and try to avoid the downward spiral that can threaten them.

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Seek Support and Self-Care

It is not uncommon for the betrayed partner to feel pity for his or her partner and focus attention on him or her. When people feel betrayed, it’s important that they take time to care for themselves first so as to build a plan to create structure, reduce anxiety, and get some much needed encouragement and support. A good counselor can be instrumental in providing that support because the counselor functions as an advocate, providing validation, compassion, and clear direction. Some may benefit from joining a support group of other spouses that are going through the same thing. Dependable friends and family can also provide support, especially on those very tough days. Incorporating a healthy lifestyle by getting plenty of rest, eating properly, finding some time for exercise, and scheduling times for fun will give the partner’s body, mind, and spirit the energy it needs to cope with daily stress.

Experience Emotions Fully

The person feeling betrayed may experience a sense of shame that results in the temptation to shut down, or to numb the pain by suppressing the painful feelings. The feelings are there and they are very strong, and it will cause more harm, eventually, than good by stuffing them or hiding them. That is why finding a counselor, having supportive friends, and being a part of a group are extremely important in providing a safe outlet for the partner’s full expression. Whether it’s anger, fear, abandonment, or any number of emotions, sharing those feelings in a safe and healthy way helps work through the grieving process and generate some hope. The hope may not be focused necessarily on the relationship, but on the person’s recognition that he or she can face these feelings of betrayal and survive, even thrive. The feelings are very real, and when handled appropriately, openly, and with care, some of the intense weight may be lifted.

Set Boundaries

The critical time to establish boundaries with a partner who has sex addiction is when the other partner is most hurt and vulnerable. This will help establish a place of safety for the person who feels hurt. Boundaries may include removing Internet access, changing what comes through the TV, establishing a bank account to insure bills are covered, and removing any offensive material from the home. If consequences are tied to the boundaries, it’s important that they are followed through with or they will not be taken seriously. This can be vital in creating some order to what feels like chaos.

There is no magical formula for healing a person’s experience of betrayal by a partner experiencing sex addiction, and every day is a new battle that can feel out of control if specific steps are not taken to handle the overwhelming feelings. The good news is that if these steps are followed, one can find that they are developing strength they never knew they had. The combination of empathy, compassion, and some tough love are necessary to guide a person down a path of healing and then to hope.